Issue 157

THE SAINT St Andrews’ Independent Student Newspaper

Thursday 24 November 2011

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Issue 157

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Photo: Celeste Sloman

One for the prank bank: Library hoax goes viral An unusual notice urging students not to masturbate in the St Andrews library has become an internet sensation.

The notice, which appeared in the library toilets earlier this month, declared masturbation to be “a violation of the University of St Andrews Library Regulations,” and bore all the hallmarks of an official University communication, including the University’s motto and a University of St Andrews Finance stamp, leading many students to question whether it was real or not.

However, University staff revealed the notice to be a hoax.

Photos of the notice have spread like wildfire across the social networking websites Facebook and Twitter, while the stunt has even featured in an article on prominent news website The Huffington Post.

The notice covered a range of topical issues, from the

refurbishment of the library – declaring that the new toilet floors are “not designed to handle your semen” – to the rise in tuition fees, stating that semen stains “cost thousands of pounds to be removed and must be reflected in tuition fee rises for next year.”

Former St Andrews student Kate Bowman posted the photo on her Twitter account and was shocked when she found it had been ‘retweeted’ over 2000 times in just a matter of days.

Her photo was in such demand that at one point she was receiving roughly “one reply a minute.”

Despite her newfound fame, Kate wanted to applaud the pranksters on their efforts, telling The Saint, “I hope whoever put the sign up is quietly congratulating themselves, they’ve given us all a good laugh.

“Much as it has been interesting to get recognised by strangers as ‘that girl who tweeted about masturbation in the library’ they

deserve the limelight, not me!”

St Andrews student Jorge Milburn posted a picture of the notice on his Facebook account, and was baffled when it was re-posted by almost 14,000 other Facebook users.

Milburn wanted to make it clear he was not the person behind the notice, stating: “I am not responsible for it and have no idea who did it. All I know is that it’s gone completely out of proportion.

“I’ve had newspapers contact me from all over the place to write articles about it. I have also been receiving hundreds of messages and friend requests per day. Some very flattering, and some swearing at me.”

There were a few St Andrews students who fell for the prank, particularly the notice’s instruction to “enquire at the Library Help Desk if you have any questions.”

Fourth year student Nick Sissling was embarrassed to admit that he went to remonstrate with

the librarians, arguing that there was no way that a few stains could be responsible for the hike in tuition fees.

“I realised what I had done

straight away. The librarian at the help desk could hardly contain her laughter. In retrospect, I can’t believe I fell for such an obvious hoax,” Sissling said.

Photo: Supplied

Pete Stebbing

2 News

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

INSIDE Uni foots bill for Principal’s club membership News Principal’s Group causes controversy Page 5 InFocus with Alistair Moffat Page 7

Charlotte Wilson University Principal Louise Richardson enjoys membership of one of London’s most exclusive private members’ clubs at University expense, it has recently been revealed. The Athenaeum Club in Pall Mall has an annual membership fee of almost £1,000

per year and has previously hosted renowned guests such as Charles Dickens and Winston Churchill.

The Club provides Louise Richardson with a base in London, as well as access to meeting rooms and other facilities.

Questions have arisen as to whether the use of The Athenaeum Club is money well spent. Some

Viewpoint Reading Week Lessons Page 9

Photo: Supplied

A Scapegoat for the King’s death Page 10

Features Matt Lacey on ‘Gap Yah’ Page 13 The Eye of the Media Storm Page 17 Raisin Weekend and Welly Ball Page 19

Arts & Culture The Man-Bookers Page 23 Good Press Gallery Page 27

Sport Canoe Club Updates Pages 30 Women’s Football 11-0 Victory Page 31

Printed by Cumbrian Newsprint, Newspaper House, Dalston Road, Carlisle, Cumbria CA2 5UA Tel: 01228 612600

The smoking room of the Athenaeum Club

have criticised Richardson, who earns approximately ÂŁ230,000 per year, for not paying her own way, particularly in the light of fee increases for English, Northern Irish and Welsh undergraduates at St Andrews, who now face paying up to ÂŁ36,000 for a four year degree in Scotland.

Robin Parker, President of the National Union of Students (NUS), called Richardson’s use of the Club at University expense “disgraceful,� saying, “University principals are enjoying high salaries and exclusive club memberships in London whilst introducing high tuition fees for the rest-of-UK students and pleading poverty to the Scottish Government back home.�

However, Niall Scott at the University’s Press Office, considers the NUS’s stance embarrassing, claiming Athenaeum membership saves the University at least £3,000 per year on alternative London accommodation.

Scott argues that the NUS have missed the point: “The only logical conclusion is that they would prefer Scottish universities to pour public money into London market-rate accommodation than dare to accept the very reasonable economies

offered by the membership of the club.�

The University of St Andrews maintains the importance of Louise Richardson’s visits to London to meet with potential donors and figureheads. Last year, she stayed in The Athenaeum Club ten times for an average of two to three days at a time.

In St Andrews student opinion on the issue was divided. Some saw the membership costs as excessive.

John, a second year student at the University, believes “the money could be put towards bursaries offered to students next year when they face the ÂŁ9,000 per year price hike.â€?

Others, however, felt differently.

Lily Brodnax-Bell, an undergraduate at the University, thinks that â€œÂŁ1,000 in relation to the University’s budget is a very small amount for something that promotes St Andrews and probably produces revenue.â€?

Millie, a Medieval History student at the University also believes that, “although it does seem a lot of money at face value, [the use of the Athenaeum Club] is probably beneficial for the University as a whole.�

Raisin Madness hits St Andrews’ streets Craig Lye RAISIN REVELRIES RULED on Sunday 20 and Monday 21 November. Two tourists were overheard asking a local policeman on Sunday what was going on; his response was a single word: “Raisin.�

The alcohol section in Tesco was severely depleted, as was the town’s supply of shaving foam.

The town prepared for the festivities, with Student Services setting up the traditional first aid centre in the Mansefield building with first-aiders on call, and the police cancelling all leave for the weekend.

Raisin Sunday seemed to begin quietly, yet the calm atmosphere was betrayed by the odd delivery van dropping off a tower of alcohol four feet high, and the ‘let’s see how many Freshers we can fit into a phone-box’ game. After the Academic mothers’ parties, the town saw an influx of weaving, slurring students high-fiving strangers in the street.

Students ran around town for their scavenger hunts, obtaining photographic evidence of their antics for their parents’ approval with various unsuspecting townspeople of St Andrews.

Academic Fathers’ parties began as soon as the sun set, with City Road featuring a paddling pool and The Saint Student Newspaper Ltd C/O St Andrews Students’ Association St Mary’s Place St Andrews, Fife KY16 9UX

two girls dangling their legs from a first floor window.

Police were kept very busy, responding to several incidents during the night.

Monday morning saw the St Salvator’s Quad prepared for battleroyale, with first-aid posts, and rolls of paper towels to help any who needed it, and photographers ranked around the grass to capture every glorious foam-filled moment.

The procession made its way along North Street, marching past crowds of spectators. Notable costumes included the cast of Star Wars, the Teletubbies, crayons, while even the HMS Shinty sailed past.

One Academic Father donned gown and crown and, sat regally upon his throne, was carried to the quad upon a bed-frame, borne by eight struggling academic children.

Another Academic Father had a similar idea, lashing his children to his wheeled sleigh, and being drawn through the streets, shouting, “Mush.� Raisin receipts ranged from old doors and bits of fence to handfuls of jelly, lumps of ice and even a broken lamp post and an old banister.

The foam fight, as usual, was immensely successful, and enjoyed by all who attended – the long line of foam covered Freshers leaving the quad all wearing broad grins.

Phone: (01334) (42) 2737 Editor: 07986156766 Fax: (01334) 462716 Email: editor@thesaint-online.com

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News 3

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

Further St Andrews occupations against fee increases ‘St Andrews Occupied’, a group opposed to the increase in tuition fees next year, have carried out two protests in recent weeks.

Following on from their occupation of the Samurai Garden on the Scores in October, the group occupied St Mary’s Quad, on 2 November and St Salvator’s Quad on 16 November.

On each occasion, a group of around 20 students set up camp for 36 hours to represent their opposition to increased tuition fees, which will reach £36,000 for students from the ‘Rest of the UK’ studying for a four year degree.

St Andrews Occupied states that this makes St Andrews the “most expensive university in Europe” due to the high living costs and four year degrees, and feel that the voices of students were ignored due to the decision being passed during the summer.

“The student representation in the University Court is completely insubstantial, and, while the Rector sided with our representatives, the fee increase was passed in part by the fact that our University Court doesn’t have adequate representatives of the students it serves,” a St Andrews Occupied statement asserted.

“The undemocratic and underhand nature of the fee rise means we feel occupation is a legitimate measure.”

The occupation of St Salvator’s quad was the third in a series of occupations and the group said that they “have stated to the Principal that these occupations will continue regularly until there is some progress.” The occupations were peaceful and there were no serious incidents.

The protest in St Salvator’s Quad took place during a visiting day. As Lower Parliament hall is the starting point for prospective students, the protest provoked the attention of visitors. Significantly, these prospective students will be the first generation to pay fees of £9,000 a year.

A third year Geography student present at the occupation told The Saint, “by occupying we are showing potential students that the elitist reputation of St Andrews students is unfounded.

“We encourage those looking at the University to ask the awkward questions about funding that the University is trying to avoid answering. Our actions are based on our concern for the University that prospective students will inherit.”

The Students’ Association

have stated their support for the movement, saying they “support all peaceful forms of expression.

The SRC recently passed a motion condemning the rise in RUK fees as socially exclusive and extremely detrimental to the academic health of the University in the long term, as they will lead to the admission of the best of those who can pay rather

than simply the best students.

We resolved to support peaceful protest against the RUK fees, like this one.”

“Throughout the debate on RUK fees the student community has offered alternatives,” a Students’ Association press statement continued. “[We have] expressed our

views peacefully and debated the issue openly and reasonably. In short, where leadership on this issue should have come from university management and the Scottish government, they have tamely followed the failing path of the Conservative coalition while students have consistently shown innovation, integrity and courage.”

Photo: Jake Threadgould

Laura Abernethy

Protesters camping out in St Salvator’s Quad.

4 News

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

“Daughters of Dolma” trailer previews Bess Rhodes Last Thursday saw the launch of the trailer for Daughters of Dolma, a feature-length produced by St Andrews students which explores the lives of Tibetan Buddhist nuns living in Nepal.

The brain-child of Alexander Co, a third year Social Anthropology and Psychology student, Daughters of Dolma investigates the experience of modern women following an ancient way of life. Based on a month of filming in two convents near Kathmandu, the documentary reveals the paradox of traditionallyrobed nuns who rise before dawn to begin their worship, yet play football, drink Pepsi and use Facebook.

Whilst brightly-robed Buddhist monks are a well-known symbol of Tibetan culture, their female counter-parts receive less attention.

As Nadia Buhova, the film’s communications co-ordinator, explained: “There’s a difference in how monks and nuns are portrayed.

There’s not enough on nuns.”

Adam Miklos, a fourth year student and the director of the documentary, says that he tried to go beyond the amazing visual spectacle, and show the nuns’ actual lives. He didn’t want “just National Geographic pictures.”

Other members of the six-student team agree.

Stefan Salow, a fourth-year Economics student and one of the project’s members, stated that the strength of Daughters of Dolma “is

that it’s personal. We spent enough time with [the nuns] to get into their lives and hopes.” In his speech at the trailer’s screening, Alexander Co declared: “We found something that hasn’t been explained or shared with many.”

At the event last Thursday in St Andrews Town Hall, the unveiling of the trailer was preceded by talks from students involved in the project and from key backers within the University. During the evening tribute was paid to the students’ persistence and determination in producing the film. Professor Mario Aguilar, Director of the Centre for the Study of Religion and Politics, declared that they “have been a great inspiration.”

Daughters of Dolma uncovers a way of life on the other side of the world. Yet, by bringing together six students from different cultures and disciplines, in many ways the film is a distinctively St Andrews project.

According to Professor Lorna Milne, the University’s Proctor, the students exemplify St Andrews’ “terrific variety and capacity for community.” Meanwhile Buhova admits: “If it wasn’t for St Andrews we wouldn’t have done it.”

This view was echoed by members of the audience. Giulia Zampieri, an exchange student from Verona, said she was “surprised students believe they can create something like this. In Italy it’s very different.” She added, “Studying at St Andrews you have great opportunities. You’re so lucky.”

Israeli Diplomat lectures in St Andrews

Photo: Amy Thompson

Christophe Braun

Over a thousand students from universities across the UK attended the St Andrews Welly Ball on Saturday November 21. Organisers estimated that they had raised just under £2000 for their chosen charity, Farm Africa, which works with farming and forest communities in East Africa.

“The night went really well”, said directors George Bowen and Sophie Roebuck. “With over 700 people coming for the supper and 550 joining them for the afterparty things couldn’t have gone more smoothly! The mixture of St Andrews and other university students adds a totally different element to the event, attendance for which has risen by 400% since it was created four years ago!”

HT.

On Monday, 14 November, Alon Roth-Snir, Deputy Ambassador to Israel at the Court of St James, delivered a talk on foreign policy in the Middle East to an audience of St Andrews students, at the invitation of the Foreign Affairs Society.

In the talk, Mr Roth-Snir delivered his frank assessment of Middle East politics. “As a nation”, he said, “we’ve made lots of mistakes. But at least we have the courage to look inside and ask ourselves, do we make mistakes?”

Roth-Snir’s views on the Arab Spring were ambiguous - he welcomed “people... striving for democracy,” but expressed concern about potential for “huge territorial fights.” Concerning the IsraeliPalestinian conflict, he stressed Israel’s willingness to negotiate.

“We want peace,” he says. “We are ready to do a lot for peace.”

Yet not everybody believes that this is a fair account of Israeli politics in these days. A small group of protesters, equipped with Palestinian flags and a megaphone, demonstrated against Roth-Snir’s visit in the rain in front of the Physics building. ‘The Israelis go against the very principles that

we say we stand for,” said Hassan Ahmed, a second year Biology and Chemistry student who had joined the protesters.

Ahmed holds that Israel continually commits war crimes against the people of Gaza. “The Deputy Ambassador is here to defend that situation. I find that wrong.”

The President of the Student’s Association also expressed his concern at the “disproportionate number of visits of official Israeli speakers to St Andrews in recent years.”

Not surprisingly then, the Ambassador’s visit to St Andrews has provoked a mixed response among students. Mr Roth-Snir was aware of that and mentioned the protesters during his talk, saying that he would have liked to answer their questions. He encouraged the audience to ask him inconvenient questions and took time to respond to all that were raised – but one.

When asked whether, yes or no, Israel has nuclear weapons, RothSnir referred to Israeli President Schimon Peres’ statement that Israel would not be the first to introduce nuclear weapons in the MiddleEast. A response that, obviously, allows for several understandings.

Beyond the

Bubble Zombie combat course Those fearing an impending zombie invasion can now prepare with a zombie defence boot camp offered by a Worcestershire based company.

For £59, participants will be given basic weapons training by “military instructors trained specifically to battle fictional, imaginary characters” before a final zombie combat exercise in a warehouse. At the end of the experience there is a certificate presentation that customers are warned will only take place “if you survive.”

AH.

Unusual birth

Emma French, a 20 year old woman from Livingstone, west Lothian, has recently managed to complete her driving test while in labour.

Waking up on the morning of her driving test to find she had started contractions, Miss French nonetheless completed her examination and drove herself to the hospital to give birth.

On being asked whether it made the test more difficult, she said: “One good thing about being in labour was it killed any pre-test nerves.”

AH.

Early achiever Malaysian Aaliyah Yoong Hanifah has, at eight years old, become the youngest competitor to take a gold medal in the history of the Southeast Asian Games, after winning the women’s trick water-skiing final. She is quoted as saying “I was confident all the way” despite her nearest rival being 34 years old. In another age defying feat 78 year old Lai Chun Ng, of Singapore, who is in fact older than the games she was competing in, won two medals in the discipline of contract bridge.

AH.

Mobile censorship Mobile phone operators in Pakistan will soon be required to block texts containing a list of “obscene” words drawn up by the PakistanTelecommunications Authority (PTA).

An unconfirmed list ranges from unrepeatable expletives to the plain bizarre, such as, “Athlete’s foot” and “Wuutang” (thought to be a reference to the US rap-group the Wu-Tang Clan).

However, resourceful texters have suggested replacing the words with their number on the PTA’s list.

AH.

News 5

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

to

Campus Liverpool University

Gradvantage, a graduate bootcamp at Liverpool University, aims to equip graduates with the necessary networking skills to secure a job.

It teaches graduates to be as hands on as possible; mock interviews, interpreting body language, and group presentations all aid the instruction program. “Avoid groups of four,” advise recent graduates. “Look for people standing in a V shape. Their body language is implying they’re being welcome.”

Many employers seek to fill positions internally and, if that fails, ask contacts if they know anyone suitable. Only after this do the vacancies get advertised in newspapers and online. Thus, making themselves known to potential employers is imperative.

CW.

St Mary’s College

Students at St Mary’s College in Maryland were forced to vacate two dorms on campus due to an outbreak of mould.

The closing drove students to seek housing elsewhere, many to hotels miles from campus.

An alumnus’ suggestion prompted a closer look into using a cruise ship on St Mary’s River to harbor a dormitory.

“The more we found out about it, the more we looked into it, the more realistic it became,” recalls college president Joseph Urgo.

Many of the displaced students seem excited about the new living arrangement.

The ship’s crew replace linens and towels twice a week and provide a laundry service.

“The sunset is right out of our window, and it’s amazing,” said one student.

CW.

Santa Clara University

Students received a surprise when a hacker entered Santa Clara University’s computer records database and altered their grades for the better.

The hacker changed the grades of more than 60 former and current undergraduate students, the first case occurring in 2004 and continuing through the spring of 2011.

The issue was brought to light when a former undergraduate student notified university officials that grades on her transcript were different than she remembered.

The unknown hacker made drastic improvements, such as an F to an A in some cases, where other students’ had only slight changes, such as a B to a B+.

CW.

on nearby beach Alex Hygate Former Prime Minister Gordon Brown has called for urgent action after “significant” radioactive particles were found on the beach at Dalgety Bay, Fife.

The Scottish Environmental Protection Agency (SEPA) have been monitoring the beach - which is about a 30 minute drive away from St Andrews - since 1990, when the radioactivity was first discovered.

However, the rate of finds has been increasing recently, with over 300 radioactive sources discovered in the past few months.

As a response to the finds Mr Brown, the local MP for Kirkaldy and Cowdenbeath, is seeking a meeting with the defence secretary, Philip Hammond, to discuss the problem and has also written to NHS Fife to seek assurances over health precautions being taken.

Brown explained that his concerns were due to a “large increase in the number of sources being found over such a short period and the fact that the levels of a recent find of metal were ten times higher than anything found before.”

“I do feel there is an urgent need for [a] forum to come together and discuss these recent findings,” he added.

It is thought the radioactive material comes from instrument dials painted with radium, from aircraft dismantled on the World War II airfield over which the modern town is built.

The dials were incinerated along with other waste at the end of the

war. Although the public have been warned from going on the beach, SEPA have stated they “may need to designate an area around the foreshore… as Radioactive Contaminated Land to ensure the public is suitably protected,” if the MoD does not take voluntary action to remedy the situation. This would make the site the first in the UK to be closed permanently due to radioactive material.

The MoD has come under much criticism for their handling of the situation from a number of senior local officials. After an “emergency” meeting of the Dalgety Bay Forum on 8 November, Cowdenbeath MSP Helen Eadie described their response as: “at best disappointing”, further criticising the fact that “no senior official was sent” to the meeting.

Dalgety Bay Community Council Chairman Colin McPhail, also said that he feels “the MOD must increase its participation and look to a solution.”

In response, a spokeswoman for the MoD has said they “will continue to support SEPA in disposing of any recovered items,” and that the MoD were giving the issue “its full attention.” They have also stated that “SEPA has the necessary statutory powers to address any significant risks, should they emerge.”

Another meeting of the Dalgety Bay Forum is planned for 22 November. Mr McPhail has said that by the time of the meeting he wants “to see some real progress.

The local community really want to see some urgency directed into this. issue.”

Security upped at Library Devini Pabari

As of Monday, St Andrews students are now required to scan their University ID cards to enter and leave the Main Library. The introduction of new ‘access control gates’ are aimed to “improve the safety and security of all Library users and staff,” the Library website states.

If students cannot produce an ID card, then a day pass may be issued, after identification checks and a form are completed. Only three day passes will be issued per calendar year.

Following its redevelopment over the summer, this is just one of several moves to improve the Library. This improvement scheme is set to continue throughout next summer, with the most obvious change being the complete overhaul of levels one and two, which nears completion with the installment of the security gates.

Other changes include later opening hours – the Library is now open until 2am, Sunday through Thursday; the new café – aptly named “1413”; and the movement towards a more automated service so staff can spend more time providing assistance to customers.

Some students have welcomed the introduction of the gates, feeling it will increase overall security in the Library and the surrounding area, especially in light of the later hours.

One second year Maths student, Jennifer Gibson, commented that the introduction of the gates was in keeping with the new design of the Library and could only “help improve the safety of St Andrews students and staff.”

Others, however, remain unconvinced.

Several have expressed concern over the gates, and the inevitable queues they feel would occur over busy periods.

There are also questions as to how exactly the day pass system would work, as the Library is not manned for the entirety of its opening hours.

A second year Management student pointed out that “you can’t take a book out of the Library without a card anyway or log onto a computer without a university username and password” and wondered “what the University is actually gaining by this.”

In total, the University has set aside £14 million in a commitment to update the Library structure, storage and the Library collection itself.

Photo: Supplied

Campus Radioactive waste found

Principal’s Advisory Group causes controversy Henry Turnbull

A newly formed ‘Principal’s Advisory Group’ made up of select St Andrews students has come under fire from the St Andrews Student Union.

The group, which first met on Tuesday, 2 November, was organised by a fourth-year Management and Economics student, and aims to consult with the Principal on a range of issues, particularly focusing on fundraising opportunities for the University’s 600th Anniversary Campaign.

The group’s members include representatives from a variety of student societies, including the Global Investment Group (GIG), St Andrews’ Charity Fashion Show (FS), and the Mermaids. Students’ Association President Patrick O’Hare described the groups as “elite” and “undoubtedly rightleaning” politically.

The Student Representative Council (SRC) issued a public rebuke to Principal Louise Richardson, passing a unanimous motion earlier this month to “remind the Principal that the Students’ Association and SRC are the legitimate, elected representatives of the student body

and should be the first port of call on issues of representation.”

“There is clearly a problem here in that an unaccountable and adhoc advisory group which has little democratic mandate and does not reflect all shades of student opinion has been set up to advise the Principal on important issues,” said O’Hare.

University spokesman Niall Scott, however, dismissed O’Hare’s criticism, calling the SRC’s reaction “a storm in a tea-cup,” explaining that, “the Principal regularly meets with a wide cross section of students and staff at St Andrews…

This group is a simple and natural extension of her open office policy of meeting, talking and listening to people.

“Students here will be surprised and probably a little dismayed by what appears to be a huge overreaction by the SRC,” continued Scott, adding that the Students’ Association “does not and can never expect to have a monopoly on student opinion and ideas or the right to dialogue at the exclusion of others.”

A representative of the group, who preferred to remain unnamed, spoke to The Saint about the controversy, saying, “the idea

was for the group to encourage discussion between the University leadership and creative student leaders who have contributed a lot to student life in St Andrews.

“There should be no major conflict with the SRC. We’re both working for the same ultimate goal - to help contribute to student life and make St Andrews a better place.

“It’s every student’s right to speak to the Principal (she hosts open office hours) and if we can coordinate brainstorming sessions with creative students with leadership experience, that can generate very positive results.”

Refuting O’Hare’s allegations that the group was right-leaning politically, the representative continued, “I don’t think any of the invited societies have expressed political affiliations or agendas, and included societies range from the GIG and the Union Debating Society to the Mermaids, FS, MUN and The Saint!

“As mentioned, it’s supposed to be a creative discussion room for identifying new ideas, not pushing for political agendas or opinions.”

Patrick O’Hare, however, argues that there is a large difference between the Principal holding

open office hours and meeting students from “all walks of life,” and the creation of an “unelected, unaccountable, ad-hoc advisory group.

“Who chooses which groups should be part of this and which societies should be represented here? I don’t think it should be one individual fourth-year student, in collusion with the Principal,” O’Hare told St Andrews’ Radio.

Former Saint Editor Rachel Hanretty was present at the first meeting of the group, and said she had a “mixed reaction” to it.

“On one hand I do think it is great to have the Principal working directly with students and to have individual students’ efforts in large scale societies and groups recognised,” said Hanretty.

“On the other hand, The Saint, like FS and the GIG… did not get chosen by a majority of the student population as is the case with sabbaticals and members of the SRC. “There is a paradox that though this is not a secret group, members of the group at the first meeting did not seem keen to formerly disclaim the group’s existence to the student population,” Hanretty added.

6 News

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

St Andrews’ students join fees protests in London his election has been vocal in condemning the Universities’ raising of tuition fees for RUK (Rest of United Kingdom) students, arranged transport which took students not just from St Andrews but other Scottish Universities including Glasgow Caledonian,

Strathclyde, Glasgow, Aberdeen and UWS. Organised by the National Campaign against Fees and Cuts the protest was part of a series of student efforts to express their disapproval of the Coalition and the Scottish government’s decision

Photo: Patrick O’Hare

Erin Lyons Reading Week saw a bus filled with around forty St Andrews’ students travel down to London to join the latest tuition fee protests in the capital.

Students’ Association President, Patrick O’Hare, who since

to cut Higher Education funding and remove the cap on tuition fees.

St Andrews-based protests over the past semester have included several 36 hour tent occupations in St Mary’s Quad, St Salvator’s Quad and outside Principal Louise Richardson’s residence.

Students from St Andrews carried a banner, which featured prominently in press coverage, containing the slogan ‘Education for the masses, not just the ruling classes’. O’Hare said he was keen to show that “St Andrews isn’t full of Prince William types, but rather of down to earth, hardworking students who are in no more of a position to pay £9,000 fees than anyone else.”

O’Hare was particularly pleased by the International representation amongst St Andrews protesters, whose number included students from Pakistan, Bulgaria and New Zealand: “The fact that we had so many international students on the bus shows that opposition to fees and cuts isn’t restricted to one sector of the student body and that opposition will not disappear now that RUK fees are being introduced.”

However, Tariq Jenner, a third year Medic, reflected that despite encouraging support from the public, “In hindsight, the protest was disappointing. Reviewing media coverage of it, it seems that the focus was not directed at the

reasons that we were protesting, but the police management of student protesters,” said Jenner.

Police have since been criticised for their “total policing” tactics which included some 4,000 officers being deployed as well as the threat of using plastic bullets on the crowds.

Justin McCarthy, a first year International Relations student also commented: “The media for the most part seemed to focus on the preparation leading up to and during the march, and weren’t really concerned with the actual message, just as if we were going to cause disturbances/riots, etc. like in London.”

O’Hare was more optimistic: “Our presence makes clear that although our University management might be going down the path of high fees and paying lip service to widening access, St Andrews’ students are definitely not.”

“It is important to keep up the struggle against fees and cuts to our education and the march had a decent turnout overall, considering the NUS supported but did not mobilise for it,” O’Hare continued.

“The recent protests in Chile have shown that no matter how long fees are in place, students will continue to fight against them, and challenge governments which promote education for the few, or at the very least, a mass debt for the many.”

News 7

The Saint •Thursday 24 November 2011

In Focus

St Andrews’ new Rector looks to the future

CL: Could you briefly outline the role of the Rector, as you see it, for any students unsure about what it involves?

The role of the Rector is to chair the University Court, the central governing body.

That involves a great deal; not only understanding the broad sweep of the activities at St Andrews but also thinking about future policy as well as present concerns. In addition, I shall be representing my constituency, the student population – both undergraduates and postgraduates – in all my actions.

During the election campaign I spoke to approximately 3,500 students and have a powerful sense of their concerns and interests, and since the students ARE the University, that strong and recent sampling of views will be at the centre of all I do. Throughout my

CL: When your campaign team first approached you with the idea of your candidacy, why did you decide to accept?

When I was first approached by students to stand for Rector, I didn’t immediately agree. Instead I came up to meet a group of Society Presidents, School Presidents, and people interested in any campaign that might form.

It was a terrific party. I was hugely impressed with the people I met; they were so bright, busy, vibrant, life-enhancing and optimistic.

When I was an undergraduate, we were such lumps, almost inert by comparison. I was knocked out by their energy and, driving home that night, I decided to stand. When I got to Guardbridge, I realised I hadn’t had anything to eat and stopped at the chippie. My car still smells of salt and vinegar.

CL: What happens in the interim period between your election and your being sworn in?

Well, before my installation next

spring, I am already doing the job.

My Rector’s Assessor, the excellent Kate Andrews, is setting up meetings and surgeries and I shall chair my first meeting of court in January. I started work the night we won!

The only hint I can give about the Rectorial Drag is that I shall be wearing a crash helmet. If I survive that, I hope to have a wonderful

three years serving the students of St Andrews University. After graduating – gulp – 40 years ago, it feels like a sort of homecoming.

CL: What do you hope to achieve as Rector?

In only three years goals have to be realistic. The first of these is to carry on the superb work of Kevin Dunion, the outgoing Rector.

He will be a tough act to follow, especially in the area of working with students.

I want to become involved in fundraising too, but I think one of the most urgent concerns is how to widen access to St Andrews. It is the students lost to us as well as those here who concern me. As a nation we need to make the most of our talent – all our talent – and I would like to see the University open its doors a little wider. That involves making a degree available to people who cannot pay either for some of it, or all of it.

CL: Can you give us any hints as to your costume for the Rectorial Drag?

Digging up the past The Saint delves back through the archives to see what was making news in and around St Andrews in years gone by

1973

Ms Prudence Renny wrote to the Editor of AIEN to stress that relations between town and gown were strained when Raisin Sunday fell on Remembrance Day that year. The raisin receipt inscribed on a full sized coffin might go some way to explain this…

1986

Raisin Monday saw a host of interesting raisin receipts being intercepted at the quad. The list included the usual shopping trolleys, car doors, sacks of potatoes and boulders, but also included a pig’s head and a sheep’s head!

1993

Raisin once again took the town by storm, with several worrying incidents: fourteen students were hospitalised, including one who needed five people to prevent him walking into the sea. One student was even found lying face down in snow on the road to Guardbridge, with no idea how he had gotten there.

2005

Raisin festivities once again left police ‘tight-lipped’ and the future of the festivities lay in jeopardy after a minority of students ‘overstepped the boundaries.’ One outstanding incident was two academic fathers who, having borrowed ten live chickens for raisin receipts, were facing charges of ‘cruelty to poultry’ after one chicken was randomly killed by an out-of-control drunk at their house party!

Cartoon

Photo: Supplied

Alistair Moffat was elected Rector of St Andrews last month. The Saint’s craig lye spoke to Moffat about his reaction to his election, and how he intends to take on the role.

three year term I plan to hold regular surgeries and meetings with students and to help wherever I can.

8 Editorial

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

MEET YOUR NEW SAINT FAMILY Andreea , Editor

Richard, Deputy & Sport

Camilla, Production

Hillevi, Web Editor

Ryan, Business Manager

Ruby, Deputy Editor

Henry, News Editor

Jon, Viewpoint Editor

Melissa, Features Editor

Al, Arts & Culture Editor

Celeste, Photo Chief

Jake, Photo Chief

Rosie Arts & Culture Editor

Sub-Editors: (L-R) Ross (Arts & Culture), Ben (Sport), Patrick (Sport), Nick (Viewpoint), Pete (News), Kate (Viewpoint), Craig (News), Charlotte (News), Francesca (Features)

Viewpoint Editor: Nick Cassella

Email: viewpoint@thesaint-online.com

Reading Week Lessons DAVID EARNSHAW

F

or some of you, Reading Week will have been a convenient opportunity to jet set across Europe to some glamorous destination for an expensively luxurious city break.

You and your, most likely, wealthy parents probably deemed all your hours of hard work and all three of those essays you worked on worthy of reward, and decided that a foreign vacation was perfectly justifiable.

Like the privileged young geese you are, you and your flock instinctively headed south in search of warmer climates.

If you fall into this group, then please do not take my tone as cynical or bitter.

On the contrary, I envy you and make no pretence that I wouldn’t do likewise were it within my means. Others amongst you will have gone home, using Reading Week as a welcome break from the hustle and bustle of life in the Bubble.

For yourselves, as the cold begins to set in and you realise that heating your flat for all twenty four hours of the day isn’t particularly cost effective, the thought of your own bed and home cooking proved all too tempting, and who could blame you? St Andrews is a stressful and hectic place.

Life as a student here is diffi-

cult. The queue for a Butlers wrap can be long and it does get a bit windy on West Sands sometimes.

After seven whole weeks of living in these arduous conditions, only the hardiest of souls wouldn’t relish a chance at sweet respite.

Unfortunately, I fell into neither of these two fortuitous groups. I had neither the funds for a trip abroad nor the logistical nous to book my train home before their cost had spiralled to such dizzying heights that simply in order to obtain one, my parents would have had to sell the house I had theoretically travelled to.

While I might have found the irony at first somewhat amusing, the impending realisation of a week spent homeless in north Leeds would have soon wiped the smile off my face.

As such, I was relegated along with the rest of the dregs to spending my week in our wonderful Auld Grey Toon. Those of you

who fell into the first two aforementioned groups will probably scoff in disbelief at the fact that there were some poor souls left here, and not simply those who

speak in hushed Mandarin in and around the apartment blocks of DRA. However, your feelings of sympathetic pity are unnecessary, as a week of experiencing St Andrews reduced provided me with some important insights concerning the common student. Namely, that we are being most egregiously and unequivocally bent and subsequently

screwed over.

The St Andrews one sees between the months of November and March bears no resemblance whatsoever to the postcard image that both Tourist Information and our university’s marketing department ram down our throats at every available opportunity.

The holy triumvirate of shite Scottish weather enclose around us as it becomes increasingly cold, wet and windy.

The tourists scarper, leaving behind only students and our ancient rivals, the equally ancient pensioners.

As Reading Week successfully culled all those below the age of 50, I became bitterly aware of how important the former is.

In these winter months, the role we play in sustaining not only the various businesses that have set up shop here, but also in maintaining any whiff of a community atmo-

sphere is astounding.

Once the horde of students had left, the streets were left closer to death than the remaining pensioners themselves.

Without us, this town is simply another seasonal tourist town left to fester once the weather turns sour.

Nevertheless, the powers-thatbe seem to persistently insult us with their ingratitude. It’s the way they fill the streets with an absurd proportion of police, as though they are in constant suspicion of what has to be the most upper-middle class student population on Earth.

It’s the way that reasonably priced accommodation is becoming ever more difficult to find, as the number of HMO s granted by the Council continues to fall short of what seems to be required.

It’s how town planners continue to provide a list of ever-growing stores that your dad thinks are cool, such as Rohan and Fat Face and yet the nearest Topman is miles away in Dundee.

The cinema must be the only one in the UK that refuses to accept the hallowed mantra of Orange Wednesdays. Although every day seems to bring new headlines of student protests over rising tuition fees it is time this student population opened its eyes to the real injustices of our town.

Why not to assent to another accent A

Janine

Gallagher

ccents - a vocal demonstration of who we are, where we come from; an outward display of our identity. Why, then, do some people change their accents after having left their homeland? Are we so desperate to be accepted that we are willing to abandon our quirky drawls?

We’ve all encountered the seminationals; the somewhat American-sounding Irish who claim to be from Dublin, those born and bred in the US who adopt a seemingly English lilt when they come to the UK, etc., etc.

A part of me thinks it’s logical to expect someone to use some of the phrases or even the inflection used by the locals in their new town after having lived there for quite a while.

After all, the desire to fit in and communicate with others is only

human nature.

However, it seems that within minutes of meeting, people can become very conscious of how different or incomprehensible they perceive themselves to sound and quickly reinvent themselves, mimicking the accent of the person with whom they are conversing.

Personally, I find this really annoying. It appears that it is only good manners to make yourself understood to other people when talking.

Nevertheless, I’d rather someone used some of their peculiar regionalisms at the risk of receiving a puzzled “What?!” than smooth over their accent into something considered more universal. After all, in this way we can learn about different accents and dialects.

As a modern languages student, I’m pretty conscious of producing a realistic accent when speaking French and Spanish. Not having spent much time in the countries of these lan-

“Accents make people interesting, especially in a cultural melting pot such as our very own St Andrews” guages, I find myself wondering if I sound Schwarzenegger-esque to native speakers.

However, I actually like hearing someone, whose mother tongue is Castilian, for example, speak English with a marked Spanish accent. I find it endearing. Accents make people interest-

ing, especially in a cultural melting pot such as our very own St Andrews where every person you pass in the street seems to speak differently.

Immediately we suss people out, taking into consideration a number of factors. It may be very judgemental of us but I believe it’s realistic to assume that most people instantly categorise others upon hearing their accents.

Aside from allowing us to figure out which country and/or region a person is from, it could be argued that an accent gives an indication as to his/her social class.

It’s not difficult to get all classconscious in a place where you can practically smell the affluence off the wispy-haired, Hunter wellywearing students that parade around our three streets.

During my time thus far at the University, I’ve noticed many cases of ‘transplants’ with ‘minority’ accents, if you will, who have opted for more recognised and ‘accepted’ accents, such as Estuary English or the globally acknowledged General American accent.

I think it’s about time we realised that our accents are part of our identity and are something worth maintaining. I know I’m not the only one who has belted out ‘I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)’ and mentally patted each Proclaimer on the back for their unabashed display of Scottish pride.

Whether you speak with a strong Liverpudlian twang, a hard Glasgow patter or a broad Texan accent, I urge you to remember your roots and embrace that beautiful sound that is coming out of your mouth.

10 Viewpoint

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

A scapegoat for the King’s death Alice Taylor

O

n June 25th 2009, Michael Jackson was confirmed dead as a result of ‘acute propofol intoxication’. This announcement shocked and stunned his worldwide army of fans and all those who valued the singer for his incredible musical talent and his invaluable contribution to the music industry.

Two years on, this grief has turned into anger and demands for justice. On November 7th 2011, Conrad Murray, Michael’s personal doctor, was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter and taken into custody without the option of bail, a verdict which was met with applause outside the courtroom.

Freedom of speech should, of course, be valued and respected; nevertheless Conrad Murray was condemned by the public before the jury was even close to giving a verdict.

I feel that many of those who quietly or openly condemned him did so in response to their need to have someone to blame, a villain in this case responsible for the death of their star, rather than a response to the actual facts of the case.

Firstly I must state my position as a Michael Jackson fan. My

brother and I from a young age used to attempt to moonwalk around the house with ‘Billy Jean’ or ‘Streetwalker’ blaring in the background, something I’ll admit we still do today and remain unsuccessful at. I even had tickets to go see Michael perform at the O2, an unrealised dream to see the King of Pop perform in the flesh.

I therefore was amongst the grievers when I heard of his death; despite this, I don’t feel an intense craving for revenge or justice.

Jackson’s erratic behaviour and reliance on drugs raised many doubts about his ability to perform all the dates scheduled.

Towards the end of his life Jackson was in a state of financial ruin and, despite not having performed for years, these fifty shows would have acted not only as his final farewell to fans, but also lifted him out of his financial difficulties.

This Is It, the title of his concerts, was a final and crucial ending to Jackson’s career.

This extreme pressure that Jackson was under was transferred to his doctor Conrad Murray whose job it was to ensure that Jackson was fit and able to practice, and ultimately to perform.

On the night of his death it was stated that Jackson could not sleep, a recurring problem for him and that he was complaining that without sleep he would be unable to perform. It is reported that Murray administered lorazepam and midazolam, sedatives to help Jackson sleep.

Jackson remained awake and Murray allegedly then administered 25mg of propofal. The prosecution identified that no proper medical measuring apparatus was found within the room, suggesting Murray guessed the measurements and likely gave him too much propofal.

If these events are true they show negligence on Murray’s part. He was accused of demonstrating extreme deviations from the standard of care expected between a patient and a doctor.

Michael Jackson was still human and therefore still susceptible to extreme reactions to drugs, he was not invincible like his 2001 album title suggests.

History is littered with individuals taking lethal doses of sleeping pills or sedatives, Heath Ledger and Marilyn Monroe to name a few, all who complained of insom-

nia. Celebrity culture places these individuals under such extreme and unnatural stress and pressure to perform. You only have to listen to Jackson’s songs ‘Privacy’ and ‘Leave Me Alone’ to see an individual under intense scrutiny, who was loved but also hounded by the press and public.

This was the situation which Murray inherited and was charged with dealing with. I’m not claiming he is innocent, in fact I do believe he showed negligence and should have been able to say no to Jackson’s supposed demands for more drugs.

At the same time it is clear that somebody had to take the blame for Jackson’s death to satisfy the public’s need for justice,;as the defence stated, if Michael Jackson hadn’t been the victim this case would have never made it to court.

Conrad Murray will be sentenced on the 29th November; due to prison overcrowding it is unlikely that he will serve much, if any, jail time.

He will undoubtedly suffer the same fate as Michael Jackson did after his own trial and will be hounded and persecuted by those determined of his guilt.

Rhetoric is the work of the devil Allen Farrington

I

appreciate the things that people say a whole lot more when I understand what they mean.

Understanding what people mean is made far easier when they say things that actually have meaning.

Lately, I have noticed people saying lots of things that don’t mean anything at all.

I have always been suspicious of the idea that ‘change’ constitutes a political platform; I have often gawked at the scale of amorphous nothingness that is discussed at me during Question Time; I have even been brought to giggledom by my Head of State’s declaration of a Social Fightback. Am I part of this fightback? Can I fight back from my couch?

Recently, however, I snapped.

I read an advertisement (for an oil company, no less) that read, ‘Oil Companies Should Put Their Profits To Good Use’. What?!?

To acquire a true, deep and tasty understanding of such a lexical mess, we may have to do a Heisenberg and chuck out the classical mechanics. Let’s start from scratch with a shiny new theory.

If you are at all uncertain about what somebody means, they probably want something from you. Maybe one day this will be called the Farrington Uncertainty principle. Maybe not.

There are two ways of using

snapped, and this is why we are language to get people to do things overcome it, by puting their profits going to dissect it. for you. The first is to say what you to good use! Maybe we should buy To remind you, ‘Oil Companies mean; why you want something their product, because then they Should Put Their Profits To Good done, why some other person will profit, and it will go to good Use’. ‘Oil Companies’ and ‘Profits’ should do it, etc.. The other person use! are associated with being bad. will process this information, and Hook, line and sinker. Without ‘Should’ implies a moral imperathen make a decision, based on any explanation of what ‘good use’ tive, the recognition of which we facts. means, why ‘profits’ or ‘Oil Comwould not normally associate with Another way to do it (usually panies’ are bad, why the moral an Oil Company. when the aforementioned fails) is imperative ‘should’ is used at all, to get your listener to ‘feel’ a or any other detail that makes a certain way, that will make lick of sense, we have contemthem ‘want’ to do something ‘The intentions of Obama, plated buying their product. for you, regardless of the facts.

They want you to do someQuestion Time guests and thing This is known as Rhetoric, for them. If they said it Cameron are clear and it is evil. directly, using facts, it would It is evil because it allows they want you to vote for sound like, ‘Buy Our Oil, It’ll people to corrupt others so them...If stating fact will Make Your Car Move’: much as to act for reasons that they convincing. So they employ not bring this about, they less do not understand, or which some Rhetoric, and before you have no problem stating know it, we are up to our eyeare not explained to them. The Rhetorician understands the nonsense: using Rhetoric.’ balls in moralising tripe. reasons, and the ultimate effect But not anymore! Armed is that the victims of this horwith the tools to identify the rible act will do the Rhetorician’s Rhetoric and extirpate the This Oil Company must therebidding. It’s cheap labour – the Rhetoricians, I send you into the fore be more socially conscious only cost is that of communicating world with a new lease on life! If than the average. Ah yes! This the nonsense. somebody’s meaning is unclear, is actually an advert for an Oil The intentions of Obama, ask them to explain themselves.

Company. The pieces are falling Question Time guests and CamIf however, a medium was used into place! eron are clear – they want you to that allows for no questioning, This Oil Company identify vote for them. That way they get to dismiss the Rhetoricians immedithey’re occupying a bad field. But keep their jobs. If stating facts will ately; they could have used facts, it’s okay! They are different! The not bring this about, they have no but they chose not to. They want insinuation here is that (other) problem stating nonsense: using you to do something that you do Oil Companies do not put their Rhetoric. not want to do. profits to good use. This company However, the Oil Company is They are executing the work of recognise this flaw! Maybe they far more devious. This is why I the devil.

Online This Week: For more Allen Farrington check out his blog: I see dumb people Also online, Anna Wollman gives her view on the latest student protests in “White Paper? More like Shit Paper” Those articles and more, only at

www.thesaint-online.com

The views expressed in Viewpoint do not represent the views of The Saint, but are individual opinions.

Viewpoint 11

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

Why you should protest RUK fees An Occupier

I

called hoax on the infamous library masturbation notice the moment I read that the costs of cleaning up “excess semen… must be reflected in tuition fee rises for next year.”

Not because this is obviously nonsense, but because the University flatly refuse to give the real reason for the increase in tuition fees for rest of UK (RUK) students.

E. A. Salt deftly pointed out in The Logical Invalidity of a Tuition Hike that the argument for the raise of tuition fees for RUK by 500% is not explained by the cut in funding.

The cut per RUK student is £3,323, but fees are rising by over £7,000. The fact that the University hasn’t seen fit to explain to its students why this is the case lies at the heart of the problems with our management.

As our website points out, the decision to raise RUK fees by 500% makes St Andrews the most expensive university in Europe to obtain an undergraduate degree. This will only increase St Andrews’ (unjust) reputation as an elitist institution.

The result of this will be that St Andrews attracts fewer students from non-traditional backgrounds as access to university becomes more about who can pay and less about who is academically strong.

The University has promised a “comprehensive bursary and scholarship program” but this only papers over the cracks, and begs the question of why didn’t we have a comprehensive bursary and scholarship program anyway?

Yet the decision to make it so was not one made by the students.

The University Court, the governing body of the University that made the decision, is made up of 24 people but only three of those are elected by the students.

So despite the fact that every

side of the ‘official’ channels was the only solution. This University belongs to you, the students, and your voices should matter. The University management wants to deny you a voice in how this institution is run. Either you can accept this state of affairs or you can protest and demand that your voice is heard.

Outdoor occupations will be put on hold for the time being.

The tactics we decide to change to will aim to put further pressure on the University management, but we will do so keeping to our policies of non-violence and respecting the right of students to their education.

The only disruption to education at this University came from the University Court when they increased fees to an unprecedented level.

This is why the SRC has voted to support the occupations, and recognise the right of students to use this tactic. The University management also accept occupation as a legitimate form of protest.

If you object to St Andrews being the most expensive university in Europe, or the implicit argument that you should not have a significant say in how your university is run, then join us in occupying and let management know we still have a voice.

‘The University management wants to deny you a voice in how this institution is run. Either you can accept this state of affairs or you can protest and demand that your voice is heard.’ single elected student representative voted against the decision it went through. Students constitute of the vast majority of the student body, and our voice in decision-making bodies is negligible.

In light of the fact that the University Court is undemocratic, we concluded that using protests out-

Give atheists a chance Stewart Higginbottom

I

do not think that religion is poisonous, that it infects everything that it touches. I do not believe that those whom believe in it are less intelligent than those who do not.

However, I do have a strong opinion that those who are religious have absolutely no right to feel 1) superior to non believers, 2) think their lives are richer for it and 3) be sorry that we do not have a supernatural presence in our lives.

My grandmother once said to me that she felt ‘sorry’ for my brother and I because we were atheists. That somehow we were missing out on some golden aspect of life which those who go through church doors once a week somehow acquires. This perturbed me, because I have never felt pity towards my grandmother’s beliefs.

I have never looked at her and gone, ‘Oh, poor dear. She believes in a Holy Trinity.’ I have indeed endorsed them. I have gone to church with her, I have said prayers at Christmas dinner and I’ve congratulated her on being an active member of her church community. Imagine her ever doing the same for me with my beliefs!

Let me be clear. I am not suggesting that atheism is superior.

What I am suggesting is that openmindedness is. One can be Muslim, Jewish, Christian or agnostic and still be open-minded. However, let us be honest, this quality does not often find itself attached to religious doctrine. Does anyone else not find it someone discon-

certing that an ex-convict is more trusted to become President of the United States than an atheist is? Or that there still exists a Church of England in an increasingly secular state?

The U.S. Supreme Court once observed that ‘a secular state, it must be remembered, is not the same as an atheistic or antireligious state. A secular state establishes neither atheism nor religion as its official creed.’ We therefore do not live in an open-minded, secularised nation. Atheists still have reason to feel culturally ostracised from 21st century society.

This is not right.

I think the current lack of appeal which atheism finds itself mired in is largely due to its lack of open-mindedness. But this, I call to all of you fellow atheists, is our greatest asset! And yet people like Dawkins and Hitchens throw it away for petty verbal bashing of religion. This will not lead to progression of atheistic values or equality.

Some of those who veil themselves under the word of the Lord may demean our beliefs, but atheists have the opportunity to be better than this. To show the world that while religious people may curse, demonise and question our morals and character we shall accept those who do not harm, mistreat or abuse others.

Religion has both aided and hindered the progress of human society. It has brought great things

and it has brought about evil doings. Many manmade things like government, sovereignty and wars have achieved the same.

Religion, like these other human constructions are destined to be imperfect. History illuminates this imperfection of religion, but this is not a reason to demonise it or determine it to be void of any ‘good’.

The same can be said for atheism. It is by no means the apex of human intelligence or lifestyle choices. Atheism has many great things to offer society and if everyone would just give us the chance, they could see the light.

From me, to moustache

A

Nick Cassella

t the beginning of November, my five flat mates agreed that we would all partake in ‘Movember’. We would show off our masculinity to St Andrews not through our physique or bravado, but through the man fur which would rest upon our upper lips.

Admittedly we weren’t going to partake in the event to help prostate cancer, we were merely doing it for shits n’ giggles.

Yet one by one, the weak fell.

My first two mates limped out before the month had even began due to the fact that they ‘couldn’t grow facial hair’ (If Susan Boyle can grow it, so can you). Then the third heathen crumbled days later because he was ‘single’ and wanted to get laid (Wilt Chamberlin, who sported a moustache said that he slept with over 20,000 women. Wikipedia it. Excuse denied). The last infidel surrendered to the will of his girlfriend, who in turn paid him 10 pounds to shave it off (Whhhachiiii).

Their loss, and here is why.

If the moustache was a type of animal, it would be a loving dog.

It is powerful, bold, yet subtle and tender in its place below the nose. It is curled up, resting on my lip-it needs me. I stroke it, reminding it that it is loved. I feed it, with the left over scraps of toast. I water it, staining its tips with coffee. In short, I care for it and it repays me in kind. With a moustache you get more than just a type of facial hair, you get a relationship. Here’s how.

The other day I walked past the mirror and did a double-take.

Who was this hairy chested, bathrobe donning, moustached man in front of me? He looked suave, sophisticated and in control of his life.

It appeared as though he cared about his appearance, but not too much. The raw masculinity embodied through his moustache suggested a certain humility, with a dose of narcissism. It was then that I realised it was me, in all my beauty.

Through a close shave that only left hair above my lip, I had seemingly turned myself into a 70’s porn star. And I liked it.

Do you drink?

Do you write?

Do you have too many opinions?

If you answered yes to all of the above, you’re practically already a member of The Saint so come join us TONIGHT at 8pm at the Aikman’s.

Outside of the sanctuary of my flat, when I stroll in the real world, I also feel rewarded by my moustache. The brotherhood one feels in society with other fellow moustachees is palpable. There is nothing more satisfying then walking down a street, catching eyes with a fellow moustachee and thinking ‘we look good today, don’t we?’. It’s a secret bond that cannot be explained. Its akin to the relationship between a mother and child.

It doesn’t just bring rewards to me however. It gives an experience of aesthetic pleasure to others as well. Let me give you some examples. The other day, I walked into Starbucks and immediately was told by the female attendant that she liked my moustache. Of course you do sweetheart, its biology.

Later on that day I got asked for my number by a girl I started talking to on North Street. Cuff me. And then there was an infant who ceased crying the minute I walked into Dr Noodle. Peace be with you, my child.

From these experiences, I can only presume that my moustache has given me an aura. A dignified aura that tells women, children, boys and men that this guy knows what he’s doing. I think of the great ones that I walk in the footsteps of: Teddy Roosevelt, Martin Luther King and Randy Marsh. These are men of courage, intelligence and gravity. I feel their legends descend upon me everyday as I sip my latte, moustache hanging over lip, contemplating the meaning of life.

Thus do not let the modern day haters of moustaches weaken your resolve. My girlfriend thinks that when she says ‘I hate your moustache, get rid of it’ she actually means it. Wrong, dear. We all know that what she’s actually saying is ‘take me on your noble stead, you masculine machine’.

She can’t help it, it’s genetics.

Indeed I ran into a male friend of mine who had unfortunately not undertaken such a facial enterprise. Although he said I looked ‘douchey’ and like a ‘rapist’, I know underlying such bellicose language he really was thinking ‘You’re the man, Nick’.

Look, I get it. Girls can’t admit to liking moustaches because society tells them it’s ‘gross’, ‘middle-aged’ and ‘paedophilic’. Men pretend that it’s ‘ugly’ because they’ve been told that hairless, metro-sexual men are the definition of beauty – entrée Ronaldo and Nadal.

My rebuttal to both points.

1) Women – weren’t you the sex who were supposed to value personality over appearances? And 2) Men – grow a pair.

Its no coincidence that the first time I find myself as Editor of Viewpoint is when I am sporting a moustache.

12 Viewpoint

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

Reality Check Jessica Brennan

E

very week I watch a group of 16 and 17-year-olds dressed in their parent’s clothing attempt to please a hairy businessman for the chance to win money.

I am of course talking about the Young Apprentice, the latest reality TV show which has turned its attention to the younger generation. In its second year, this spinoff from the main show features 16 and 17-year-olds as opposed to the usual adult contestants.

But that is where the differences begin and end. Both groups have impressive resumes, display desperate attempts to be taken seriously, and inevitably disappoint.

I spend most of the show comparing myself to these teenagers.

Despite being three years younger than me, the Young Apprentice contestants boast a published author and an award winning fashion designer amongst their ranks. My greatest achievement is summoning the energy to go to all of my lectures that day.

However over time it becomes

B

y now most people will probably heard about the “Principal’s Student Advisory Group” (PSAG): an inviteonly group, selected by a single student, holding a discreet meeting with the Principal to discuss “strategic issues”.

Many of the students in the group believed they would receive a personal reference from the Principal as a reward for their involvement. Unsurprisingly this has provoked a strong reaction from the SRC. While we would like to commend both the SRC and the aforementioned individual for the maturity they demonstrated in debating the issue openly and frankly, the issue poses an interesting question for those of us charged to represent our fellow students.

Is the SRC overreacting as University Director of Corporate Communications Niall Scott claims? Worse, is this a case of the SRC protecting its own power and interest?

Olsen describes “institutional sclerosis”, a process by which organisations lose sight of the purpose for which they were created in their attempts simply to perpetuate the institution itself. Perhaps ad hoc advisory groups are simply the newest step in student representation?

But, in reality, these questions miss the point. This issue has never been about what the University management thinks of the SRC or vice versa, and that was certainly never our concern when

clear that the contestants may look wonderful on paper, but in reality they’re not all that. They have achieved some wonderful things but dressing up in a suit doesn’t change the fact that they’re still children.

Over time the claws come out and the contestants begin to make obvious mistakes. A personal highlight came in the first episode when a group of contestants couldn’t convert simple measurements, an incident that was particularly embarrassing when Lord Alan Sugar revealed many of them received A* grades in GCSE Maths.

As expected, there have been concerns over the wellbeing of these contestants. Lord Sugar isn’t known for being a cuddly teddy bear, but he does seem to soften up when speaking to the younger contestants.

Last year one boy was sent home because he felt a bit ill, hardly the sign of a rigorous interview

process. But it’s true that appearing on a show like this provokes overwhelming public scrutiny.

Every embarrassing mistake the contestants make is captured on camera and broadcast to an audi-

The concerns over young people in reality TV shows has become even more relevant with the return of The X Factor. Although the Over 25s category remains, the focus inevitably lies on the younger singers. With contestants as young as 16, many question the effect that intense public criticism can have.

Last year divisive 17-yearold contestant Cher Lloyd received death threats, and cyber-bullying has become a problem for many of the young contestants.

This year the bullying issue has been taken over by drugs scandals. 18-year-old contestant Frankie Cocozza was removed from the show after engaging in a rumoured cocaine binge funded by money he received from X Factor producers. Frankie’s activities were initially encouraged by his mentor Gary Barlow.

He was seen as a young heartthrob whose cheeky antics would win over the female voters.

‘However over time it becomes clear that the contestants may look wonderful on paper... but dressing up in a suit doesn’t change the fact that they’re still children.’ ence waiting with baited breath for someone to slip up.

With the power of social media, a facebook group can be set up a matter of seconds after an event and this just serves to perpetuate the embarrassment. It’s impossible for a 16-year-old to experience this sudden media attention without letting it get under their skin.

Although it seems his behaviour wasn’t exactly exemplary before the show, it’s clear that the X Factor intensified his attitude.

Not only do contestants have to face the incredible stress of being in the public eye, but there’s always the possibility that they will be exposed to the dangerous side of celebrity.

Reality TV shows provide an incredible opportunity for young people to make something of themselves, whether that be in business, music or any of the other fields covered by these shows.

But it’s all too easy to ignore the potential damage shows like this can have.

Not only do young participants have to face the stress of public embarrassment but they may have to deal with hatred and bullying on a level that no young person should have to experience.

It may seem on the surface like they have everything, but in reality I think I’m better off on the other side of the TV.

Letter to the Editor we informed the SRC after discovering the existence of the project. This issue is about what the University management thinks of its students.

As students we do not simply embrace democracy because we appreciate the abstract principle. We select our representatives democratically because it is the best method in practice. With democratic selection, the whole student body is given the opportunity to test the ideas potential representatives hope to push forward and, by this process, reach a consensus about what we wish our collective voice to say. In addition, we have the opportunity to test the character and competence of those who will present those ideas for us. As two of those selected to do so this year, we are held accountable for our performance every week by the elected representatives of our fellow students and, by extension, our fellow students themselves. In essence, everyone has the chance to know what we’re doing, why we’re doing it and how effective we’re actually being at it.

Obviously this does not preclude individual students raising issues themselves.

Indeed, we could not do our jobs without this. But PSAG was not a case of individual students raising issues. In preferring the opinion of an individual as to who should represent students, rather than the collective opinion of the students ourselves,

members of the University management, not only undermined the democratic principle, but demonstrated a worrying lack of faith in the integrity and competence of their own students. Records of the first meeting of this group demonstrate calls within it not to reveal the nature of its deliberations or decisions or allow new members. This is not the first time the University has seen fit to select student representatives itself on behalf of students. At a recent Court meeting focusing on widening participation, the executive declined to ask the elected students’ Equal Opportunities Officer to attend, instead preferring an unaccountably selected student who spoke at the meeting supporting the recent £9000 RUK fee and claiming the University did enough to offer equality of access.

Even though the University’s own internal review (and the student representatives on Court and now The Daily Telegraph!) said the opposite.

Student representatives will not always agree with the University management.

Often we will voice our disagreement in strong terms.

But this must be a positive thing and should certainly not lead to the management simply finding a student whose opinion they like better. We are taught every day at St Andrews to question, to argue our case and to argue it well. It’s an important lesson and one we, as a university,

must apply to ourselves. If St Andrews is to maintain our reputation as one of the finest educational institutions in the world, we must first ourselves value the lessons we teach.

Students and management can never promise to agree with each other and we shouldn’t keep our debates private. All members of the University deserve to see how the decisions, which affect our degrees or careers, are taken. We will have different opinions about the direction St Andrews should take. We should show each other the respect to debate these ideas in an open, honest and accountable way, not through accusation, counter accusation and secret meetings.

We were able to do this with the student organiser of PSAG. There is certainly value in widening the spectrum of consultation between students and management in St Andrews as long as it is done in a fair, open and accountable way. He agreed with this and issued a full apology to the SRC. We hope to work together in the future. The fact that the student body demonstrated such maturity and competence in handling this issue democratically and respectfully speaks volumes in itself to those who suggest we do not deserve to select our own representatives.

But perhaps trust breeds

trust, and we, as elected student representatives can always do more to be more open with students and the University management.

We will bring proposals in the coming weeks designed to increase our accountability to the student body, in addition to our weekly question times. We can also be more open with University management.

We have already written to the Principal inviting her to attend the next meeting of the SRC. In addition, we propose to send copies of the minutes of SRC and SSC meetings to the Principal’s Office and write personally to members of University management, assuring them that we are always happy to answer any queries they might have.

As we have written before, Higher Education faces extraordinary challenges and St Andrews can only face them united. We will disagree. It is not these disagreements, but how we debate them, compromise and, crucially, move forward together, which will undoubtedly eventually define us.

Patrick O’Hare and Sam Fowles Students’ Association President and Director of Representation

Features Editor: Melissa Steel

features@thesaint-online.com

Charity, Chundering and Chile W

e have all heard them — “Yah mate, I literally vommed all over the dance floor of The Lizard last night...I just chundered everywhah!”. And we most certainly have heard them say, “One time, when I was on my gap yah...”

Matt Lacey has heard one too many ‘gap yah’ stories himself. So many, in fact, that he could merge them all together and use them to create the character of Orlando, a clueless rich kid on a “cultural-spiritual-political exchange”, or simply, and literally, on his gap yah. Yet, when I asked him whether Orlando was a caricature of himself or not, Matt couldn’t help but admit: “He is a composite of myself and things I’ve overheard. There are some definite elements of self-parody in the sketches”. Being an Oxford graduate, it was just bound to happen. The real Orlando, however, is so posh that when he tried to say his name to Matt, it seemed he was saying “Miranda” rather than “Orlando”; and the real Tarquin “chunders” in people’s front gardens in Oxford. These are the people who inspired Orlando to write The Gap Yah Plannah.

“I am reluctant to criticise gap years because there is certainly some value in them”, Matt tells me, “It is the way they are talked about afterwards that bothers me. Those stories, repeated ad nauseam in such a pompous manner, they are just so right for parody”. People who go on gap years often do so with the right intentions, if not always with the right frame of mind, as depicted by Orlando’s desire to provide a “Western presence” in Haiti. In fact, Matt comments, “It is all bit charming, really. I have Orlando talk about ‘awahness’ [awareness] because he is so completely unaware of himself. It is absurd, being so self-regarding about things you can do: it just lends itself for ridicule”.

Yet, as was very well pointed out, taking a gap year does teach you some useful lessons. So it was for Matt Lacey himself, who also talks from experience when he is in Orlando’s shoes. During his own gap year he travelled to Ireland, where he worked in a Chinese restaurant for five months. He then spent four months in “Tanzanah” [Tanzania], as did Orlando. He tells me that, for him, the significance drawn from travelling during that

year was spending prolonged periods of time in each country, rather than “hopping off from one place to another”.

His serious advice for students about to embark on gap years is, “To think carefully about what you’re going to do, and plan it well.

Think about what you want to do, what you want to get from it, and make sure you are doing it for the right reasons”.

Nevertheless, his best advice is to read his new book, The Gap Yah Plannah. which features Orlando as “the fictional traveller, used as a vehicle for expressing satirical points”. Parallel to the absurd travel anecdotes, Orlando also embodies the youthful aspirations that push many young people to have these experiences; “When we are young, we all want to travel. We also have the benefit of having a less cynical world-view, which often makes us think we are doing more than we actually are”. In fact, it is upon people’s return from these adventures that charity fashion shows and balls start getting organised. “A bit of a thorny way of raising ‘awahness’”, Matt says. “The inspiration for the second ‘gap yah’ sketch came from an actual charity fashion event at Oxford”, he explains. “It was called ‘Hands Up for Darfur’, and the poster for it was a naked girl with a bloody handprint. I just thought it was so gloriously inappropriate that if one had attempted to come up with this satirically it would have never happened!”

Presumably some St Andreans have felt the same at the sight of their peers’ own advertising campaigns: bongos and ball gowns and ladies in leather being only a couple of the recent brainwaves.

Amongst the chapters of his ludicrous steps around the world, Orlando pays £3000 to go on a mission (in a luxury hotel) in Kenya, he gets “temple fatigue” in Cambodia, and breaks up with his girlfriend, Venetia, before going to Peru, because, let’s face it, who wants to have a girlfriend whilst on their “gap yahs”? You might find his “important Spanish phrases” useful too; they will get you “a million beers” and teach you a thing or two about confusing “ñ” with “n”. This mistake caused Matt some embarrassment with a Spanish friend; “I had a Spanish phrase book, and one day I was reading out of it to

my friend. One of the sentences was ‘cada ano...I go camping’. My friend looked at me and said, ‘You know you just said you go camping on every anus?’ After that, I would advise everyone to be careful about where they strike their tent!”

Matt Lacey and The Unexpected Items have been to St Andrews, so I can say, with a certain amount of pride, that there was inspiration to

be drawn from our fellow Barbour coat- and Hunter welly-wearing peers. “I learned a lot from St Andrews. I don’t know if you’ve read far enough in the book to learn where Orlando gets a place at uni?”, Matt asks me. “Not yet”, I reply. “Well, it won’t take much of a guess...!”

It is true that it sometimes feels odd not to reciprocate to these “gap

Photo: HarperCollins

Francesca Vaghi talks to Matt Lacey of The Unexpected Items about what it really means to take a ‘gap yah’

yah” stories without having done one myself. There is certainly some superiority in the voices of those who have.

Thankfully, in The Gap Yah Plannah, Orlando tells his readers to “Take [a gap yah] straight after school, then another just after university, then another when you feel like it because work is lame”. It is never too late.

14 Features

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

A Blonde’s Eye View

The Disney Comeback: Memories of Childhood Classics

Melissa Steel

Genevieve Yam on why Disney never goes out of style- no matter

Photo: Peter Harris

how old you are...

R

alph Fiennes leans towards his swaddled, dying lover and breathes, “I promise I’ll come back for you. I promise I’ll never leave you.” Imagine if he had said, “I might come back for you… if that hot piece of ass in Cairo isn’t up for a bit of action.” Surely, The English Patient would have lost a lot of its appeal. Nevertheless, the ‘fuck buddy’ arrangement has become the stereotypical relationship of our time. Clumsily veiled booty calls pop up on friends’ phones at 2am, and that guy strolling ino your lecture ten minutes late has that certain swagger of the cat that got the cream. It is all very Continental at heart sexually liberated and blasé- you know, if you ignore the sporadic pangs of anxiety and depression.

Like a clichéd prop in a spy film, these ‘relationships’ are designed to self destruct. Less glamorously, they could be compared to that vegetable at the back of your cupboard which quickly went bad and has since turned in to a pulsating mess. Incidentally, this is what your genitals may look like without regular visits to the GUM Clinic during your sojourn in to ‘no strings attached’ romance.

From the outset, a time limit is subconsciously put on the union.

Logically, the sexual frenzy of the beginning of a relationship can only last so long. As time goes on, you get to know the person more intimately in a variety of other capacities, as well as as a sexual being. To limit it just to the sex from the beginning denies it the chance of ever becoming something more, even if you consider that it may eventually lead somewhere.

Think about the niggling guilt or jealousy you will always harbour over other people you/they slept with. On top of that, one/both of you is/are not even that keen on the other partner to actually exclusively see them.

Many ‘buddies’ argue that it is

purely about the sexual gratification, but perhaps investing in a vibrator or a particularly well lubricated sock would save a lot of trouble. To admit you want the physical side is to admit you want some sort of intimacy. Is that not what fuck buddies set out to avoid? Quickly! Bash those icky feelings back into your tightly packed emotional baggage where they belong! I can only presume people do this to avoid being thrown out of Ryanair’s Mile High Club, the pinnacle of sexual sophistication.

Besides, in almost every case of this that I have had to bear witness to, one person always wants more than the other. As a woman, I hate to pander to gender stereotypes, but it usually is the girl.

There seems to be the widespread belief that our vaginas cast some sort of magical spell over men, or that they have the same powers of persuasion as Jim Jones, of ‘drink the Kool Aid’ fame. Sorry, girls, but he (neither the guy you are seeing nor Jim Jones. He is dead.) is not going to decide that he wants to be your boyfriend.

The eternal phrase, ‘why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free’- please enter stage right.

Likewise, gentlemen; do not use your penis as a divining rod when choosing a mate. If the girl has developed a prominent nervous twitch when she says she is ‘absolutely fine’ with the situation, she probably isn’t. No matter how hot/easy she is, cease and desistunless you are prepared to keep her away from the stove and lock up any bunnies you may own.

I have either just beaten feminism to a bloody pulp or resurrected it from the forgotten grave I often suspect it occupies in our cathedral grounds. However, I would like you to see this piece as a smaller instance of violence than a vicious beating- think of it is as a gentle slap wakening you up.

Photo: cartoon-wallpapers-hd.blogspot.com

Looking for different things: Can casual relationships ever work?

F

or most people in our generation, there seems to be a certain sense of fascination attached to the term ‘Disney’. Is it simply nostalgia, or is there more to it than we think? To many, it seems to provide a temporary escape into the makebelieve, magical world that the man, Walt Disney, created: a world filled with fairy tale romances, prince charmings, and pumpkins that turn into carriages. Animals talk, your house is cleaned by furniture (sometimes animals), and when you want something, your fairy godmother waves her wand and it appears out of thin air. Is this a healthy obsession? With the recent re-release of The Lion King in 3D, people are remembering the good ol’ days when Disney was just Disney. And I mean exactly that: just Disney, viewed through the eyes of innocent children.

Home to cartoon classics such as Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, The Lion King, and many more, the empire boasts theme parks all over the world, not to mention mass-produced merchandise and vacation cruises.

They are the ones who have, truly

and officially, defined what once upon a time and happily ever after means for most. It is unrealistic, even dangerous — their movies that don’t involve actual royalty are obsessed with the idea of a privileged lifestyle, the narcissist natures of certain characters imply that beauty is valued more than it should be, and that perfect, romantic love is crucial in order to lead a fulfilling and happy life.

Despite my innate love for all Disney related things, something pessimistic is eating away at my insides. Growing up has opened my eyes to the real world; the innocence has gone, and suddenly, Disney isn’t the same. I’ve realized that not all boys turn out to be Prince Charming, and that the person trying to poison your apple is not necessarily wearing a black cape. As one friend, Lewis, put it, real life should not be based on what he alleges are “Nazi inspired dream sequences”, encouraging girls to marry rich and cause boys to be self-conscious about their ‘common’ status Everyone has dreams and imaginations that they go back

to time after time, and the beauty of classic Disney is that it allows the audience to go down memory lane while drawing the distinction between fantasy and reality. And, while new Disney flicks such as Tangled are funny, they aren’t the same as the classics. One student, Rachel, insists that “there is definitely something different about the classics in comparison to the new ones. There’s more gentleness, I feel more connected to the old Disney characters. The new ones are just there to make you laugh.”

Even the new, digitally remastered DVDs take away a bit of the original effect: “to re-edit them seems to kind of take away the authenticity and ruins the nostalgia. It’d be like taking all the classic black-andwhite silent films with the addition of sound and colour.”

Ultimately, Disney has made no comeback… because, simply put, it just never went out of style. After visiting Disney World in Florida this summer, I realised that no matter how old I get, classic Disney is, and always will be, unchanging and sentimental for me… Even if my fairy godmother doesn’t exist.

Features 15

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

A Micro-misadventure

Photo:Lauren Hepburn

Lauren Hepburn goes camping in Fife

D

uring Reading Week, my Co-camper and I set out on St. Andrews’ expedition society Expand’s micro-adventure challenge.

Awesome trekking related prizes were on offer for the documented debacles of each pair of voyagers. The aim was to travel thirty miles outside The Bubble to camp – without spending a penny.

To the dismay of our friends, the Co-camper and I decided that we were up for a little adventure, and two ladies set out on the road with walking boots and sugary snacks.

I spent the previous night ‘researching’ our trip. The cartographic mastery of Google Maps and Images provided us with what one might call directions to my chosen location: the beautiful heritage site, Loch Leven.

After breakfast the following

morning, we walked. Glorious weather paired with deep and meaningful chat suggested that, despite our friends’ doubts and concerns, we were going to be brilliant travellers. A golden sunrise blanketed A-roads and we admired fields and trickling brooks.

A packed lunch at Cupar was much deserved before (to the anguish of my blistered feet) we were off again. We attempted hitchhiking at 3pm, aiming to arrive at the loch and set up camp before sunset. Of course, two gorgeous girls did not take long to flag down Chick – the retired army-officer in a BMW with cream leather interior. Hitch-hiking in style.

Twenty minutes later, he had gone out of his way to drop us on the loch and we headed to explore the terrain. Reeds and woodland

framed the glistening water. As we walked its perimeter the sky pinkened with the setting sun. In the centre of the loch lay on an island the small castle in which Elizabeth I imprisoned Mary Queen of Scots.

Picturesque? I think so. Eventually we found a cushy leafy spot under a canopy of branches to house us for the night. As the sun went down, as we listened to the cheeping and squawking of birds.

This is where things got complicated… My companion brought a bivouac sack and layers as bed and shelter, while I (slightly more sensitive to the cold,) had a sleeping bag in addition to the rest. However, Cocamper’s dear mother had posted up walking boots and rucksack, but not the sack. Co-camper had not checked before she left. After I had a rant about such irresponsibility,

I went on to discover my sleeping bag was missing. And by missing, I mean sitting on a shelf in my bedroom in St. Andrews. Woops.

So, how many idiots can you fit in a Bivi Sack? The answer is two.

At 2°C and after six hours of shivering attempts at sleep while using my companion as a human blanket, I gave up. At 01:30 we packed up, considered our options and decided it would be best to brave the dark, unlit, misty road back to St. Andrews. Morale was high, and we persevered on foot for five hours. We were Catherine of Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre, toiling across the moors. It was silent, bollards and trees morphed into people, the woodlands watched us pass as the moon hid behind the clouds. Finally, a newspaper van passed and like a high-speed

guardian angel, out hopped a talkative Glaswegian who welcomed us in and offered a Mars Bar, cigarettes and the most wonderful heater we have ever known.

We were lucky that he “could never forgive [himself] if something happened” to us and after a kiss on the cheek and a shake of the hand, we bid him adieu on the doorstep of St. Andrews.

We were tired, dirty, and limping, but after twenty four hours of extreme adventure, we were back in time for a hot shower and breakfast. The courage, drive and pragmatism we demonstrated (against all odds) was what made our micro-misadventure something to be proud of. We may not be conventional campers; but nonetheless had an amazing experience. One for the grandkids.

Go Out with a Bang Iben Merrild reveals the weirdest ways to reach the hereafter apitalism, consumerism and death seem to come together in a package. With the world population recently having reached 7 billion people, the mind suddenly wanders to images of overcrowded buses, fights over the very last can of coke at supermarkets, billowing plumes of black smoke from constantly multiplying factories, and, oddly enough, to imminent death and the wonderment of where all these people will end up.

Leaving aside spiritual concerns regarding whether it is Heaven, Hell or a different dimension, the matter of body disposal and burial becomes a problem. In Western countries, traditional coffin burials or cremation seem to be the standard procedure. Yet, for cremation, the choice is manifold: there are urns designed in many shapes and sizes (including acorns) and that take into account how the ashes will be disposed of, if not buried. Coffins are now manufactured according to the kind of statement one wishes to make. Will it be eco-friendly and bio-degradable, themed a la Star Trek, fantasy football, university

logos, the British flag, a lookalike Louis Vuitton bag, or hot rod cars? The one certainty within this spectrum of choices is price; there is no doubt this sector makes huge profits, with IBISWorld estimating that the funeral industry in the US generated a $20.7 billion revenue in 2009.

There are, however, plenty more options beside the traditional coffin and urn. Donating your body to science is another alternative. Your last act on earth could be a selfless one, spent as a teaching tool which will enlighten medical students as well as spare your family the financial burden of a funeral. If you so desire, have the money or knowhow, are either an unclaimed cadaver or have signed up for a body donation programme, you may be handed over to anatomists like Gunther von Hagens and be subject to the process of ‘polymer preservation’ (or plastination), which could lead to a lifetime of jet-setting around the world in exhibitions such as ‘Body Worlds’ or the competing ‘Bodies: the Exhibition’.

If such a route is not to your fancy,

there is always the slightly more futuristic and optimistic option of cryopreservation, which in laymen’s terms means being frozen with the hope of being brought back to life in the future. Despite the miniscule

probability of being revived after ice has formed between your cells and you have been deprived from oxygen for however many decades, it might still be an expensive yet tranquil resting place inside a dark

Photo: Supplied

C

freezer box. You would be joining a very small, rich and elite club with only 75 to 80 people having been frozen so far. This costs between $40,000 - $135,000, according to the American Cryonics Society.

There is also the more glamorous option of having carbon from a lock of your hair, or your ashes, compressed under extreme temperatures into a diamond. Those left behind, a new kind of unusual customer, can choose the size, cut and colour of the rock. They might also decide on a discounted family deal, allowing them to have several diamonds made out of the deceased loved one. This certainly gives a new, and perhaps, greater meaning to the words “family keepsake”.

In the end, your choice all comes down to what statement you want to make about the life you have led and the person you were. Of course, there is also an economic aspect to be taken into account into these decisions - the spirit of capitalism feeds even on these grievous rituals, and is likely to leave your relatives somewhere between heartbroken and financially broke.

16 Features

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

How to be a Man

Going up

Hugh Jabs’ guide to masculinity in an age of metrosexuals

Cat videosKeeps us going in the face of relentless essay writing

1

. Kill and prepare your own food. Take the pheasant I ate only a few days ago; prepared and cooked it myself. Granted, the pheasant I killed was one that was daft enough to end up on the front of my car, and certainly not the one I ate, but I did prepare a delicious sage and onion stuffing to go with the one that I hunted down in Tesco.

2

. Drink pints. Coke comes in pints. So does cranberry juice. Ever seen that scene in The Departed where Leonardo DiCaprio busts open the gangster in the bar? Of course you have, that scene is awesome! So, what could be manlier than drinking pints of cranberry juice? Exactly.

Taking it outside- The library floors just can’t take all that lovin’, apparently.

3

. Make things with your bare hands. Essays are things. And you use your bare hands to type. So, typing essays is manly as long as you don’t wear gloves. And if you must use tools...

Fairisle PatternPretend you are in The Killing- minus murder and mayhem

4

. Use the right tool for the job (and use it right). How many of you have a bottle opening hammer? How can you open beer while working if you don’t have a bottle opening hammer? How can you have the audacity to call yourself a man if you aren’t drinking from a bottle when you hammer?

Honestly!

Note: Don’t use words like audacity. Sorry, that one got away from me a little.

Academic IncestSleeping with your kids is so pre-Reading Week

5

Library Boasting- I don’t care that you’ve spent the last 46 hours there... Wait, is it you ruining the floor?

Celeb Lovechildren- Who’s the daddy? Who cares?

Imagining Bieber in coitus gives me nightmares

Going down

Photo: supplied

. Stand up for yourself. Being assertive is important. Don’t be too assertive though, you don’t want to annoy people. Probably best not to be assertive in front of people either, you don’t want to get your teeth kicked in. But you’d better send that tosser a strongly worded email.

6 7

. Train for WAR! CoD counts as war.

. Mark your territory. After all, it is yours. Don’t just write your name on your underwear, you have to really mark it. Leave your scent around, let others know you’ve been there. Of course, you don’t really want to mark your territory on your house (or on your mattress, like a few overzealous guys I could name). Maybe better just to mark your territory in the pub toilets before you leave.

8

. Man up! “You must be swift as the coursing river, (Be a man!) With all the force of a great typhoon. You must have strength like the raging fire, (Be a man!) mysterious as the dark side of the moon”. You see how easy it is? Even Disney understands it. And nothing is manlier than family friendly racism and cryogenically freezing your head.

Can you go the Distance? t is no secret that St Andrews (there are no secrets in St Andrews) has a bit of a romantic reputation as the place to meet your future spouse.

It would seem one cannot help but allude to the ‘Kate and Wills’ story when thinking about love in our little town and people want to believe the fairy tale applies to us all. If I had a penny for every time I heard “oh you might meet a prince!” a student loan wouldn’t have been necessary.

But what about relationships that exist outside ‘the bubble’?

Having still not come to any sort of conclusion, and, being an English student, I turned to literature for an answer. I needed an example of a passionate relationship and what relationship could be more fervent than that of Cathy and Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights.

I wondered could Cathy and Heathcliff have survived their three years apart had they been able to Skype a couple of times a week?

One can’t help but feel the two would have found it tricky.

However, later in the novel on Cathy’s death bed Heathcliff says: “Be with me always- take any

form.” This would suggest that if all he could have was a pixelated image, then he would take it without hesitation. What is even more in-

teresting is Heathcliff’s words after this: “I cannot live without my life” implying that Catherine Earnshaw is his life. This led me to realise that

Photo: Supplied

I

Morven Cook takes a literary look at long distance love for a long distance relationships to work you have to accept the distance as part of the relationship and see the relationship as a part of your life you cannot live without.

So this is one relationship that might have survived the test of distance had the internet been around but I decided this wasn’t enough to come to any sort of conclusion.

I needed an example of a different sort of relationship.

In Jane Austen’s Persuasion, Anne Elliot and Fredrick Wentworth are parted for more than eight years and yet their love still survives not only the distance and the time they have been apart but the betrayal of Anne. He says to her “I have loved none but you…You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in Fredrick Wentworth.”

This indicates that for a long distance relationship to work the person has to be a Wentworth, by this I mean they have to recognise you as a person that is worth the distance.

For over eight years Wentworth and Anne never found anyone worth

being with and so they believed it better to be alone than with someone they didn’t really love. In St Andrews terms it’s like knowing Morrisons sells a specific brand of chocolate you like but knowing that there’s Tesco much closer by.

You have to weigh up whether the walk is worth it or whether to take the risk and see if Tesco’s has something just as good. If you really like the chocolate enough there should be no hesitation, in fact the walk should only make you appreciate the chocolate more.

Of course, another thing we have to realise is that distance is not just the separation of the people themselves, but their daily lives. If they are at another university they are entering into a new stage of their life. They will have different friends, hang outs and will essentially become a different person to when you first met them.

The understanding that you cannot separate your life with this person and your university life is critical. You have to let them in and realise that whilst this might be difficult, it is not impossible.

Features 17

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

The Eye of the Media Storm Kate Reid analyses St Andrews’ media boom nless you are alarmingly unobservant, you will be aware of at least one student publication in St Andrews. The paper that was thrust into your hands by a blueclad enthusiast has been the backbone of student journalism in St Andrews for 27 years. Originally known as The Chronicle, The Saint is our independent newspaper, but it is no longer alone in vying for your attention.

Two years ago saw the birth of features and lifestyle magazine, The Tribe and political quarterly, The Regulus. One year ago the online modern languages magazine, The Elephant, appeared on the scene, and in January 2011, The Squib launched, a satirical piece akin to Private Eye. However since the start of term it seems that anyone who’s anyone has their own magazine.

Every Wednesday memo heralded another cry of ‘student writers needed for new publication’. So what’s the low-down on these newbies?

The Stand assert that: “we are the only truly independent university news service in St Andrews”.

Although they announce “we don’t take ourselves too seriously”, their news stories as well as their opinion pieces contain personal bias which has drawn some criticism. The website is coloured throughout with humour and the interactive interface has been highly successful in drawing plenty of comments from readers.

Owl Eyes is a lifestyles and photography e-zine with a vintage feel. With a ‘cocktail of the week’ feature alongside articles

on taking flying lessons and adventure-tour holidays, it is all terribly bourgeois stuff. However the articles are often resourceful and the website is very attractive.

St.Art is hopefully the last member of the ‘St’ pun family... however all can be forgiven as the online art journal is an essential platform for the talented St Andrews students to be recognised. As a non-subscriber to the supremacy of the Online-Empire, it is extremely difficult for me to describe a website as beautiful, yet St.Art magazine leaves me with no other option.

So why the sudden journo-explosion?

Perhaps because as we grow

closer towards the end of our university career, with little experience to offer above and beyond the sea of other bright, enthusiastic graduates, we realise the old CV needs to pack a little more punch and ‘began my own student publication’ is a pretty heavyweight statement. So does this mean we ALL want to be journalists? I certainly hope not.

On a recent eavesdropping-inthe-library-endeavor I overheard two yahs discussing life after graduation: “So what do you want to do?”

“I don’t really know, I guess be like a lifestyle journalist or something ’cause my Mom’s friend is totally an editor of a really cool

Photo: Supplied

U

magazine.”

“Oh my God me too, I definitely want to write about like fashion or something”.

Nauseating. The awful truth is that these people will probably get that job and you won’t. Unless you are one of these people. In which case, I hate you. However I intend to retain an element of optimism - surely most employers want competent staff with a quality backlog of experience, and not their friend’s obnoxious daughter.

So CV stress may be the reason for the magazine boom, however I like to attribute it to ‘The White Lady Effect’. The self-proclaiming ‘zeitgeist’ of St Andrews saw an end to the monopolisation of The Saint when it emerged during Freshers Week, naming and shaming Saint writers. The Lady is sadly no longer with us but her legacy lives on. A host of wannabe editors have realised that with some motivation and a little brain labour, they too can put a stamp on St Andrews media.

Each of the new magazines fulfills a different niche in the media scene, but if none of them are satisfying your journalistic needs and wants, why not start your own party? For this article I spoke to several friends at other Scottish universities and none of them were aware of more than one student publication. So St Andrews students prove their creativity and ambition in making things happen. And a little competition can’t be a bad thing - it keeps things fresh, and only the strong will survive.

The Kenly Question Sarah Duley asks what the wind farm might mean for students ’m sure that most of us have heard about the University’s proposal to build a wind farm 7 miles outside of St Andrews near Kingsbarns. The plan to construct wind turbines, each 100m tall, on University-owned land has been met with mixed feelings.

The wind farm would generate 12 megawatts of electricity, reduce the University’s carbon footprint by 18,000 tonnes per annum and help reach the university’s goal of becoming carbon neutral by 2016.

All very environmentally friendly - but what will this mean for students?

Renewable energy itself is acknowledged as an enormous benefit to our society as fossil fuel stocks decrease and the climate changes. However, all types of renewable energy are met with controversy and wind power is no exception.

‘Stop Kenly Wind Farm’ posters scatter the villages close to the proposed site. Despite efforts by the University to include community residents from the beginning, not

Photo: Supplied

I

everyone is in favour of having six industrial turbines on their doorstep.

But what about the students?

We will not be able to see or hear the wind turbines from St Andrews

but the project itself will still have an impact upon us. As a significant part of the University, the students make up a large proportion of those who will be directly using the energy provided by the wind farm, in halls, in lecture rooms and in all university buildings. Although the current students won’t be here if the project goes ahead, the planning process may have indirect impacts upon us. For example, Roddy Yarr, the university’s Environment and Energy Manager, commented that Kenly forms part of an Energy and Climate Change Strategy, with the first section of this strategy focused on influencing a change in behaviour today.

He also said that “the rise in energy costs which have tripled over the past five years poses a significant financial risk. It is the rise in energy and resources that mean we would potentially have less funds available for routine maintenance, teaching and research infrastructure, our buildings and including student accommodation. Unless we are able to take more control of

our costs and in particular the rise in energy, we will continue to be hampered by this cost burden.”

The project has suffered a recent setback as Fife council requested a scale down of plans due to a concern about the view from the far end of West Sands where some blades and blade tips are just visible. However, planners have put a positive spin on the decision, stating that the council have not ruled against the project per se therefore giving them further opportunity to develop a wind farm which appeals to as many of the local population as possible, including the students.

On the whole, the prospective impact of the wind farm seems much more important and controversial for the local community, and not the students, as we are not in quite such close proximity. However, because this is a University project the students will always be affected in some way and have a stake in it.

Thus we need to make sure that the students are given their fair share of any benefits of the project, should it go ahead.

The Graduate Jack Tomms investigates your career prospects by degree.

This week : Economics Economics is the study of money, which has been the agreed method of determining value since its invention by Adam Smith in 1888. Smith’s system replaced the much older method of determining an object’s worth based on how many magic beans one was willing to trade for it. If you’ve done a four-year degree in Economics you probably have a casual enough relationship with it by now to call it “Econ”, so what can you and your money buddy go out into the world and do?

Well, unfortunately for you, economics is not, nor has it ever been, cool. Nowadays economist is the most hated profession in Britain. This is partially down to the fact that economics, like all the most evil things in the universe, involves maths; many economic avenues will open themselves to you if you school yourself in the dark sorcery of dancing numerals.

But if you choose to be immersed in its black magic, beware: in 2003 a colossal mathematical error on the part of a New York stockbroker resulted in several hedge funds being relocated into actual hedges, and mercilessly pruned like so much financial topiary. As a direct response, international policy was reformed such that nowadays most of the financial calculations of global significance are performed by hordes of Chinese teenagers using giant calculators powered by furnaces. If you are a Sith of surds, a Voldemort of variables or a Darth Vader of dark data (or better yet, a Chinese teenager) then you should have no problem getting a job with your Economics degree.

But what if you are dysnumeric or morally upstanding?

Well you’re in luck: economics isn’t all about maths; if it were, it would be maths. It also frequently involves the study and regulation of stocks (with chicken and beef being the most popular) and the trading of bonds - James bonds.

If you can shout down a phone line and angrily tap at a computer keyboard for extended periods of time then you too could become a glorified bookie stockbroker.

In the early 2000s the Global Stock Market crashed into a small, uninsured South African Republic and the economy began leaking toxic debt all over the information superhighway. There was much controversy surrounding the question of who exactly was driving at the time and whether it was acceptable for them to be lynched with their own neckties.

In the end, the baying mob was satiated with the release of the second Wall Street film, which gave everyone a chance to feel smug and condescending about the whole thing. Whatever type of economist you become, make sure you don’t end up like them.

And always remember: when in doubt, switch to Medicine.

18 Week in Pictures

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

Raisin Monday 2011 Photos: Celeste Sloman, Axel Wallin, Lariss Gumuchdjian Photography Chiefs: Celeste Sloman and Jake Threadgould

In Pictures 19

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

Reader’s Photos: “Red” Photo: Sophia Collas

We set the theme, you take the photos!

Photo: Katerina Fontes

Photo:Jake Threadgould Photo: Sarah Hook

photo: Yasmin Andrews

Photo: Jenny Martin

Photo: Iva Tsigularova

Next week’s theme for Readers Photos is “Christmas”. Please submit your entries along with theme suggestions to pictures@thesaint-online.com by Friday Decemer 2nd !

Team Photos: “ Motion”

... Suggested by Yasmin Andrews

You set the theme, we take the photos!

photo: Yasmin Andrews

Photo: Sage Lancaster

Photo: Maria Faciolince

Photo: Jake Threadgould

photo: Larissa Gumuchdjian

Photo: Celeste Sloman

20 Students’ Association

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

TH

The Saint has asked the people who YOU elected as sabbatical officers to write fortnightly pieces keeping you up to date with what they are up to, what the Students’ Association is doing and the nationwide issues currently affecting St Andrews students.

Over the summer the sabbs also blogged for our website. You can read more at www.thesaint-online.com

Director of Events and services rollo strickland on:

Harry Smith

acting up nstead of chatting all about IDoES, the Union, Rollo Strickland, decided to interview his old school-friend and budding actor Harry Smith, to shed some light on what a career in acting looks like. Read on thesps…

R: It seems that an acting career is mapping itself out nicely for you. What are your top tips on getting a job in the acting world?

H: Well one of the routes you could take is to go to drama school - I went to the Guildhall School of Music and Drama.

From that you can then go on to get an agent, and hopefully work professionally.

R:Who are the best agents to work with?

H: It’s very important to get someone you feel you can call at any time, someone you’re not frightened of. For me, I started off with a very big agent – Independent Talent Group – and that didn’t end up working out, simply because my agent got promoted massively, and took on David Tennant and Jim Broadbent, and she didn’t feel she had time -R: You’re small fry Harry.

H: I am small fry, and so I changed agents, I’m now with Scott Marshall partners, which is much better for me, because they’re a boutique agency who work as a team with a small number of actors. But that’s further down the line; if you’re a student here thinking of going on to do a degree/MA in acting, that’s perfectly possible, there were a lot of people in my year who did that. Obviously with the changes to funding it’s quite an expensive venture…

R: Massive kick in the balls.

One of the biggest issues for St Andrews recently has been the fee hikes – Scottish uni’s are now able to charge £9,000 a year, which makes St Andrews a very expensive place to study.

Has the cost of education at drama school gone up?

H: Yep, they’re doing the exact same thing. Guildhall are doing the £9,000 as well, because it’s a degree course - and RADA and LAMDA are too.

R: And what jobs have you been

Photo: Supplied

Rollo Strickland

Photo: Supplied

S B B A S E working on this year?

H: I graduated in 2010, and was very lucky to go straight into a job at the Sheffield Crucible, in a production of Hamlet. I wasn’t playing Hamlet, I was Cornelius, and er, Second Grave Digger.

R: Second grave digger! Classic role.

H: It was a fantastic first gig.

We did 63 shows, and I was in Sheffield for a couple of months.

R: So having peaked early, I guess we’re now experiencing the downward spiral of your career.

H: Yep, I’m unlikely to go onto anything else after that. No, I’ve done a few interesting things, and I’ve got an audition at the Donmar this Thursday. I’ve done church readings, I’ve done all sorts of things you don’t think you’re going to do as an actor…voices for computer games…

R: Which one?

H: It’s called Dark Souls. I play one of the bosses, Gwyndolin.

And I was shooting a film over the summer, a French film called Madame Solario, which will be out in Paris in April.

R: Is it in French? How’s you’re French? I remember you wrestling with Camus at school…

H: Yep, I got a B at A-level. And now I’ve done a French film – playing an English character though, so I’m not trying to trick French people into thinking I’m French, which would be impossible. But my character’s French was better than mine, so I had to do a lot of brushing up on my grammar and stuff and physically learning the lines was really tough; I needed to have a night’s sleep just to get the muscle-memory to put my mouth into those different shapes.

R: So the pained expression you have on your face putting on that less than convincing French accent is understandable to the viewer, because you’re character is English, speaking French?

H: Exactly…

Disclaimer: the views expressed on this page are those of the sabbatical officers and as such are independent from the views of The Saint.

A rts & C ulture

De-Bodied Violin by Jake Threadgould BOOK SHOP

arts@thesaint-online.com Photo: Jake Threadgould

22 Arts & Culture

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

ESSAY | National Novel Writing Month

Perhaps I am a masochist. Amid everything else I do, I decided to write a 50,000-word novel. In a month. In case you were wondering, that’s roughly the same length as The Great Gatsby, Brave New World, and The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Why am I doing this?

Just because a website challenged me to.

I’ve known about National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo, for a few years through my writing friends, but I had never had enough guts to try it. This year, I decided I’d do it. So I made an account on the NaNoWriMo website and agreed to write an article on my experiences so I’d be officially trapped into doing it. And then came the hard part. At first it was impossible. I kept looking at the blank page of expectant Word document and I was petrified. It was daunting and I was rusty on writing fiction.

So, to avoid the judgment of the disappointed and still blank page, I did everything I could to stay away from Microsoft Word. I perfected my recipe for cheesecake brownies.

I checked out stacks of books from the library for papers that aren’t due for another month. I spent way too much money online shopping, all the time avoiding the judging stare of the ‘W’ icon on my screen.

The first few days were murder; I felt accomplished for churning out five hundred words of total drivel.

Then I hit my stride.

It took a few days and a whole lot of procrastinating, but as soon as Reading Week started I ran out of excuses and wrote my first 5,000

NaNoWriMo

words. It was agony. Absolutely torturous. But then I reached a point where suddenly, and without warning, the words just started to flow. I’ve looked at what I wrote; it’s complete rubbish, something I would never show anyone whose respect I value. But the point is that I’m writing. In fact, that’s the entire point of National Novel Writing Month. You’re just supposed to get your pen to paper, or as is much more common in this day and age, your fingers to the keyboard and write.

As the NaNoWriMo website assures all potential participants “Make no mistake: You will be writing a lot of crap. And that’s a good thing. By forcing yourself to write so intensely, you are giving yourself permission to make mistakes.” And it’s true. For someone who worries and analyses even the shortest email for syntactical perfection, being able to just write and be rewarded and assured for writing without judgment on content is a breath of fresh air.

Not only does NaNoWriMo present a daring challenge and a judgment-free environment, it also presents something that I, being an Economics student, am powerless to resist: graphs and statistics. When you sign up for a NaNoWriMo account a word counter becomes available on the main page of the website. Every time you enter in your new word count, you can check your statistics on an included tab on your NaNoWriMo homepage. There you can find average word count, projected

Photo: Satish Krishnamurthy

finish date, what your word count should be, and a reminder of how many words you’ve written during the day. Then, there’s the crème de la crème: an enormous graph that tracks your daily word count relative to the pace you should be writing to finish on time. NaNoWriMo also provides a plethora of other opportunities to support writers as they try to make to through the month. When you sign up you can give your county and country, which puts you into a forum with other WriMos in your area. There

are also games and daily challenges to keep you going through the tedious month. For example, on 11/11/11, the challenge was to sit down for 11 straight hours and write 11,111 words. Needless to say, I did not take this challenge.

The other day I was writing at eleven on a Friday night. Even my mother called me from across the Atlantic to ask me why I wasn’t out.

As you can imagine, NaNoWriMo is very time consuming, social life sucking, and at times overwhelmingly frustrating. But at the same

time I’ve really enjoyed doing it, and I think it can be very satisfying for the right person. Not only has it gotten me back in the saddle as far as writing is concerned, but it has given me confidence by providing evidence of what I can do if I put my mind to it. This certainly isn’t a challenge for the faint of heart, or one to be taken on a whim, but if you just can’t shake the urge to write, it’s a great experience.

ensure the removal of that twenties style sequin covered dress that I really don’t need, I’m quite confident the Out of Print t-shirt that I have coveted for so long will remain. It allows me to purchase the super soft, dark gray v-neck embellished with the iconic book jacket designed

by Edward McKnight Kauffer for a novel many consider to be among the best in fiction, Ulysses, whilst also conscious that I am doing a good deed, all be it a small one.

Emily Grant

At the moment I have a wish list of clothing. These are things that I have scouted out online, adored, placed in my online shopping bag and then left there; an invisible shopping basket slowly filling and waiting until I have due cause, or enough money, to purchase it. Top of this proverbial, imaginary pile of lovely things, is a number of Out of Print clothing items. After reading about this company somewhere on the internet (I actually have no idea where but it must have impressed me) I was charmed by their message, passion and incredibly soft looking t-shirts. They made the cut and were duly piled on that Topshop dress that has been sat in the internet ether for a couple of weeks now.

Out of Print celebrates the world’s great stories through fashion. Their products, including tote bags, coasters, phone covers, jumpers and t-shirts all feature iconic and often out of print book covers. Some are classics, some are just curious enough to make great t-shirts, but all are striking works of art. I wouldn’t recommend buying the whole set as it might look a little strange as you arrive in the library in your Clockwork Orange jumper, remove it to reveal your

Slaughterhouse Five t-shirt, and take your Pride and Prejudice notebook out from your Moby Dick tote bag all whilst texting on your Lolita emblazoned phone - although you can if you want. I think the joy of these pieces is the idea that you have something special. Out of Print work closely with artists, authors and publishers to license the content that ends up in their collections, making them highly individual items. Each clothing item is treated to feel soft and worn like a well-read book.

What is so delightful about this company is the fact that they so obviously adore books; it is their passion, their mantra. Their blog, given as much weight on their website as the shopping page, keeps you up to date on the literary world.

On Halloween they posted an animation of Edgar Allen Poe’s The Telltale Heart - spooky but delightful stuff. They also recently posted a fascinating letter written by Kurt Vonnegut in 1973 in response to the burning of his book, Slaughterhouse Five, in a North Dakota school.

It is also clear that they love people who love books. The section, ‘What’s your Story?’, documents this shared passion as fans send in photographs of them wearing Out

of Print merchandise in a plethora of situations. It also shows their famous followers, such as Flea from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Chris O’Dowd (from the IT Crowd, just in case you don’t know). You can share your love of their products and books web-wide. Yes, this is a great publicity stunt but let’s not be too cynical, it’s also quite fun and amusing viewing.

Finally, the thing that most makes me want to buy one of their items is that in addition to spreading the joy of reading through their tees and accessories, they have another mission. Out of Print acknowledge that many parts of the world don’t have access to books at all, and are working to change that.

For each product sold, one book is donated to a community in need through their partner, Books For Africa. So your well saved funds can go towards something that will keep you warm on the inside as well as they keep you warm on the outside.

All these delightful factors make me hopeful that one of the Out of Print items will survive the imaginary wish list and eventually become real. I have a feeling they might, as although one glance of an unhealthy bank-balance will

Image: Rosalie Jones

Style Out of Print and Into My Heart

Rosalie Jones

Arts & Culture 23

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

BOOKS

‘Posh-Bingo’: The Man-Bookers David Swensen on the winning selections for the 2011 Man Booker and International Man Booker Prizes

The Sense of an Ending Julian Barnes, Jonathan Cape £12.99 (Man Booker Prize, 2011)

Nemesis Philip Roth Vintage £8.99 (Man Booker International Prize, 2011)

We want people to buy and read these books. Not buy and admire them.

What an odd critical judgment.

Remind me again, why can’t we admire them? To the judge of the Man Booker Prize who said this: I’m inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt; to say that what you probably meant to suggest with the word ‘admire’ was a distaste for the idle gaze of blind admiration that one gives a prize-winning book. In other words, you were condemning the gazers and favouring the readers. In this spirit, we can drop the subject of the eminent prize that groups these two novels together, and proceed to actually discussing them. But before that, we should at least address the fact that this prize, as it represents these two authors, is in the business of securing reputations—not forming them.

Yet, Roth and Barnes are writing in two different imaginative territories: Roth’s imagination in this novel is what you might paradoxically call realist-parabolic; Barnes is in a familiar territory of his own England-of-the-mind, ‘semi-farce’ (as he called it) at times, deeply tragic at other times. Both of them, however uniquely, have written tragedies.

A community of Jews, culturally insulated, wander through desert-temperatures, stricken down by mysterious pestilence and disease, unredeemed by a God who seems both unjust and absent—sound familiar? Nemesis is the Old Testament, re-incarnate in the New Jersey polio epidemic of the 1940’s. There is a very peculiar kind of clumsiness to this book. Roth’s Nemesis, at its worst moments, is an overwhelmingly heavy-handed gesture toward the Biblical, the classically tragic, and the parabolic. We are in Great American Novel territory. This tactic, however, is not intrinsically fatal: Roth previously succeeded in writing a book actually called The Great American Novel. But the brilliant comic extravagance that was that book’s hallmark is completely absent in Nemesis. Roth seems to have gone tone deaf. The gleeful sexual perversion, dark humour, and extremely subtle variation of satiric tones that mark many of his other novels have fallen away.

In their place is a carefully crafted character, a spare prose style, and a very heavy scaffolding.

Roth’s protagonist Bucky Cantor is a fresh-faced twenty-three year old, beginning his first job in the athletics department of a New Jersey high school. Bucky’s stalwart belief in his job and community is combined with a pervasive guilt stemming from the fact that he was unfit

“

Barnes is the truly deserving recipient of the award he once described as ‘posh-bingo’.

”

for combat in World War II. This is essentially the whole character: the good boy, haunted by guilt, braves a polio epidemic in a Jewish community in New Jersey—except for the final, ultimately tragic twist which ends the second section. I won’t ruin the plot here, but essentially the book’s perspective hinges on a crucial shift in our knowledge of who the narrator is. Two hundred forty pages into the book (it’s only 280 pages long) we learn that the supposedly omniscient narrator is actually an acquaintance of Bucky, and has been relaying his story in a biographical matter. This decisive shift alters the reliability of the story, re-enforcing the notion that the supposedly omniscient narrator is actually just as liable to misremember or misconceive the plot of Bucky’s life as anyone else. It’s also an excuse for painfully adolescent dialogue on the non-existence of God. Justice and Mercy, God and the Devil—what I find hard to believe is that Roth has the necessary distance from his characters.

Sometimes I just hear Philip Roth, The Great American Novelist, in a passage like this, in which the narrator comments on Bucky Cantor’s tragic character flaws: He has to convert tragedy into guilt.

He has to find a necessity for what happens.

There is an epidemic and he needs a reason for it. He has to ask why. Why? Why? That it is pointless, contingent, preposterous, and tragic will not satisfy him. That it is a proliferating virus will not satisfy him. Instead he looks desperately for a deeper cause…in God or in himself…this is nothing more than stupid hubris… the hubris of fantastical, childish, religious interpretation.

This was one of the moments in which I felt like Roth was taking us for a hyperbolic sprint down memory lane.

The grandiose thematic nature of Nemesis is not its problem.

These issues (nostalgia, God, His non-existence) should animate

any novel, but here the problem is lightness of touch.

These reflections on Bucky’s character read, at times, like botched lit-crit.

I increasingly began to feel as though the narrator were a critic, exercising his superb undergraduate knowledge of mythos and ethos as it functions in the tragic novels of Philip Roth; I didn’t feel that Roth had any ironic distance from these characters—which is to say, it was the opposite experience of reading Julian Barnes’ new novel.

The Sense of an Ending reads like two novels. The first half is a brief (yet remarkably full) portrait of a middle-class English upbringing.

Within the beautiful serenity of this youthful pastoral is the narrator’s knowledge of the very banality of the picture he has been painting, a knowledge that: There was nothing to distract us from our human and filial duty which was to…put together a way of life unthreateningly fuller than that of our parents, who would approve, while privately comparing it to their own earlier lives, which had been simpler, and therefore superior.

Tony, Barnes’ protagonist, is a beautiful monster. We begin by believing his narration, trusting him, sympathizing with his judgements. But Barnes’ authorial technique is, ultimately, an exercise in undermining the very trust he has built in us—and it’s a wonderfully tragic exercise. We spend the first half of the book in that prototypical novelistic mix of sympathy for and judgement of the character. The school-boy Tony seems aloof, jealous, snide at times, but ultimately possessed by a wholly relatable sarcasm and youthful ignorance. And then, suddenly, hilariously, the novel switches into warp-speed, I’m retired now. I have my flat with my possessions. I keep up with a few drinking pals, and have some women friends…I’m a member of the local history society…And that’s a life, isn’t it? Some achievements and some disappointments. It’s been interesting to me, though I wouldn’t complain or be amazed if others found it less so.

Barnes’ tongue is wedged very far back in his cheek. This is a deeply ironic and humorous passage, a stupid meditation from a man who, since we know the drama of the novel hasn’t even begun, is clearly wrong in everything he’s asserting. It’s a conventional attitude and a stock character type: the worn down old man who stoically pretends to accept the banality of well, that’s just life—isn’t it?

And so Part I of the novel ends, the stage crew comes on in the dark and they change the scenery, and then suddenly—no, no—we’re in exactly the same place we were before.

Nothing yet has changed at the opening of the second half. It is in these bizarre fluctuations of time and place that Barnes’ humour and architectural brilliance comes out clearest: Barnes is taking the piss out of Tony’s inability to conceive of time. ‘We live in time—it holds us and moulds us—but I’ve never felt I understood it very well,’ he remarks on the first page of the novel. But Tony is a character who is incapable of remembering the destructive nature of his own behaviour, since he is incapable of understanding that human behaviour, his own included, is liable to change with time. He has absolutely no sense of his own flaws and is, in that respect, representative. I will not explain the details of the drama which unfolds, but, suffice it to say, he eventually becomes aware of his own cruelty. Yet, being the man that he is, and—again—being a very representative member of the human race—he can only come to one conclusion: ‘There is responsibility.

And beyond these, there is unrest.

There is great unrest.’

Reading Nemesis after The Sense of an Ending was extremely difficult. I had the strong sensation both Roth and Barnes were attempting something similar, but that where Roth had failed by over extending his range, Barnes had designed a tragedy with unique proportions at once classical, fluidly secular, and light to the touch. Bucky Cantor is a character in the mould of a Greek tragedy, and all the critics were right to be possessed by the title’s haunting classical allusion (Nemesis is the Greek Goddess of retribution), but allusion and classicism can both frame a novel in a tradition and kill the brilliance of its character at the same time.

Barnes’ Tony is a tragic figure, and his errors seem wholly his own; they seem, for lack of a better word, human. But this conceit, that Barnes is not tied down to a classically tragic framework or a character type (nobody called this book a great Greek tragedy), is its supreme illusion, and one that I’m more than willing to inhabit.

Barnes is the truly deserving recipient of the award he once described as ‘posh-bingo’.

24 Arts & Culture

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

The Critics INDIE/INDIE-POP

HIP HOP/ R&B

Hello Sadness

Take Care

Los Campesinos!

Drake Wichita Young Money Entertainment, Cash Money Records

Compare Take Care to some of the other major hip-hop releases of 2011 and it’s striking how different Canadian singer/rapper Drake’s sophomore album sounds. There is little of the monumental opulence of Jay-Z and Kanye West’s Watch the Throne or the exhausting sensory assault of Lil Wayne’s Tha Carter IV here. It’s a record that slights the club-centric approaches of many of its contemporaries – the touchstones here are The xx rather than the Swedish House Mafia – and unsurprisingly, it’s also a mess of contradictions, befitting of an artist who fluctuates between chest-puffing hubris and candid insecurity, often in the same song.

The latter is Take Care’s forte, and the record’s highlights come when it’s at its most subdued.

Drake himself is at his best when he’s vulnerable, his pained falsetto at once seductive and disarming. Rapping has never been his specialty, and though Take Care marks a significant improvement in terms of lyrical fidelity, his main asset remains his languid, syrupy croon. But if it’s this voice that is the showpiece on standout tracks such DAVID LYNCH

TELEVISON

as ‘Doing It Wrong’ and ‘Marvins Room’, the dark melancholia of Noah ‘40’ Shebib’s production is what grounds it. Drake’s vocals are complemented perfectly by 40’s atmospherics; saturated with yawning synths and punctured by stark piano, they create an ambiance permeated with cynicism and angst. Though its protagonist can be morose, petulant, Take Care remains immersive and absorbing.

There are missteps certainly; both ‘Crew Love’ and ‘Make Me Proud’ suffer largely because of disappointing guest appearances from The Weeknd and Nicki Minaj, but these are blips on what is an otherwise impressive second LP. ‘I made it’, sings Drake on ‘Shot For Me’; it’s one of the few assertions he makes that isn’t tempered by his own reservations, and it’s demonstrated in Take Care with impressive finesse.

Ross Hamilton

This is the first LC! album that isn’t going to instantly make you feel like a toddler on a sugar high. Long time fans might be a little confused at first; where’s the glockenspiel?

Why isn’t Gareth shouting about everything? Notwithstanding the chirpy keys on ‘By Your Hand’ this album presents a much more sonically mature Los Camp! that isn’t content simply reusing the same old formula. They’ve added doses of subtlety and nuance to their delivery, without losing any of their delectable charm or relatability. ‘To Tundra’ weaves a majestic musical patchwork that provides a genuinely affective listening experience: this is as far away from the simple delights of ‘You! Me! Dancing!’ as LC! have ever dared to venture.

Lyrically, it’s still business as usual, with Gareth firmly in centrestage. He messes relationships up, gets his heart broken and even gets puked on by fate. In almost every song he paints himself as a woeful victim, struggling with problems that have only ever befallen his unfortunate self. Though his greatest pain always emanates from the implicit acknowledgement that he’s the maker of his own downfall, and that he’s just like everyone else.

Los Camp! have managed to cultivate a level of maturity, that is largely absent from earlier records, without sacrificing anything or negating previous efforts. Hello Sadness stands comfortably alongside any other LC! release, just another string to their bow.

Lewis Wade

Frozen Planet BBC One Wednesdays,9pm A television series like Frozen Planet is both heaven and hell for a television critic. Heaven because it is a glorious showcase of what the BBC does best, hell simply because it undermines the very role of the critic as there is nothing to criticise.

At a time when the BBC is making cutbacks across the board and some, frankly criminal, decisions regarding content as a result, Frozen Planet is a breath of fresh air, if a rather icy one. There are, unfortunately, few areas left in which the BBC is still world class but if there is one genre they still excel in, it is the natural sciences documentary.

So, you could say there is rather a lot of pressure on Frozen Planet to help maintain the beeb’s legendary reputation and luckily it doesn’t disappoint.

This reputation has its benefits for the BBC; their stature allows them to draw in the best nature cinematographers the industry has to offer. The results are jaw-dropping pans of the vast arctic tundra; exotic species battling against Mother Nature shown in ultra-slow motion and multiple camera angles used to piece together the most compelling narratives, all in glorious high definition. The stunning time-lapse sequences are simply unbelievable, so much so in fact that you begin to question whether or not they’re actually real or computer generated.

Excellence lies in every element of Frozen Planet. The music’s accompaniment for example, adds vitality - the proverbial icing on the cake so to speak - perfectly accompanying those scenes designed to thrill as well as it does those

designed to make one laugh. And what is particularly wonderful about Frozen Planet is that it does, on occasion, make you laugh.

This isn’t usually expected from a documentary series, especially one set within an environment as harsh and unforgiving as the polar regions. Yet Frozen Planet manages to focus on the lighter side of life within the barren landscape. How refreshing it is to see a nature documentary that can deliver on all fronts and not just rely on the backdrop, as awe inspiring as it is, for the highpoints. One of the series highlights in fact, shown in the very first episode, was watching a thieving penguin steal stones from its neighbour’s nest as its fellow penguin and owner of said nest continued to go back and forth in a bid to find the perfect stones.

Ultimately the real joy of Frozen Planet is that the spotlight is firmly on the animals that inhabit this frozen world. All the favourites are there; the polar bears, the penguins and the whales, along with cameos from the lesser known creatures.

But it is not possible to mention a BBC nature documentary without applauding the legendary David Attenborough, whose whimsical and imaginative narration never ceases to inspire and move the viewer. However, as wonderful as his words are, the real beauty is in the images caught on camera.

Bravo BBC, at least for now you’re still on top of the world.

Victoria Clark

Peak Performance David Lynch’s first album is weird, as expected

Crazy Clown Time David Lynch Fat Possum

It may seem surprising that film maker David Lynch, the surreal all-American visionary, has just released début solo album Crazy Clown Time. But sound has always played an integral part in Lynch’s films and his varied oeuvre of work doesn’t stop at film and music but also includes a Parisian nightclub, his own signature coffee brand, paintings and sculpture, even a furniture collection. This album has been a long time coming.

Lynch has always emphasised

the great importance of auditory aspects of his films claiming that music is often the origin for most of his ideas. He has even stated: “people call me a director, but I really think of myself as a sound man.”

Godard-esque unexpected musical interludes are common in his work, as are unsettling industrial sound effects and a mixture of equally stylish and darkly atmospheric soundtracks. Over the years he has closely collaborated with many significant names: multi-award winning composer Angelo Badalamenti has scored the soundtracks of the majority of his films, Lynch penned the lyrics for singer Julie Cruise’s album Floating Into The Night after she sang on the opening titles for Lynch’s hit TV drama Twin Peaks, Chris Isaak shot to fame after Lynch directed his music video for Wicked Games and featured him on the Wild At Heart soundtrack and more recently he directed a Duran Duran

concert for the internet.

The musicianship on Crazy Clown Time is entirely Lynch, apart from the killer opening track ‘Pinky’s Dream’ to which Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ front woman Karen O lends her vocals. She sounds fabulously seductive, and its a good way to ease in the sceptics before some of the more ‘experimental’ tracks appear and Lynch’s own distorted vocals kick in. Crazy Clown Time mostly offers a dark, moody, hypnotic blues which is entirely evocative of the Lynch universe. But there are a couple of surprisingly upbeat electro-pop tracks in amongst the more quintessential Lynchian fare, like the frothy ‘Good Day Today’, which is already popular on the dance floors of Ibiza.

Lynch’s vocals are distorted and range from a raspy whisper to inane and occasionally irritating whines; at times one wonders if the ‘Czar of Bizarre’ is singing with

some blue velvet stuffed into his mouth. His voice, which Mel Brook’s infamously once described to be like ‘Jimmy Stewart from Mars’, is not always pleasant on the ears. Track seven titled ‘Strange and Unproductive Thinking’ lasts an unbearable seven and a half minutes consisting of Lynch mumbling on about transcendental meditation (for which he is an avid spokesperson) through a vocoder machine.

Crazy Clown Time, like all of Lynch’s work, is not for everyone, yet will inspire and stimulate some, particularly fans. Much of the album feels like the perfect soundtrack to a Lynch film which is yet to be made. Although his first

official solo experiment is far from disastrous, lets hope that this is not a permanent leave of absence from what he does best.

Ishbel Beeson

Arts & Culture 25

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

FILM

Not So Anonymous Alcoholic

Bruce Robinson, director of The Rum Diary, explained how converting the script of this Hunter S. Thompson biopic required him to fall off the wagon and resume drinking heavily. Not generally the best course of action for creating an engrossing film, this admission may go some way to explaining the dreadful spectacle that was to unfold. One can’t help think that, on viewing the final product, a drink or two might have eased the pain.

Johnny Depp is Paul Kemp, thinly disguised fledgling Hunter S. Thompson of real life gonzo journalistic fame. He’s an amateur journalist and professional bar hop who’s looking for literary acceptance at the bottom of every spirit glass he can get his hands on. Finding himself working for a rag newspaper in poverty stricken 1960s Puerto Rico, Kemp is soon dredged up by white suited guardian angel Sanderson (played by Aaron Eckhart) who promises him a yacht ride to the good life. However, in a point of no return, the young journo has to choose between the bloated American Dream and the bitter reality of social injustice which it chooses to ignore.

The attention to detail gone to by the prop staff is astounding; the Cold War era locations are characters in themselves, you find yourself wanting to finely inspect every

Photo: Supplied

The Rum Diary Dir. Bruce Robinson 2011

antiquated cash register and polish every chrome bumper in sight. The style, however, lacks substance to match.

At times I wondered whether Depp’s love interest was intended to be Amber Heard’s Chennault or his character’s own classic sunglasses; the latter being both better looking and far more dramatically engrossing. Aaron Eckhart plays a rich, smooth talking douchebag; but he’s played better rich, smooth talking douchebags in the past.

Giovanni Ribisi, furthermore, overacts so hard you feel he might burst

muddying the waters of his own idol’s legacy. So, I ask, what’s the point? The ending is a corny, contrived deification of a man Johnny Depp loved, and you can’t help but wish he had shown us the facts and let us decide for ourselves.

Awkwardly, this film can’t escape the grip of the 1998 Johnny Depp/ Terry Gilliam collaboration Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. The Fear and Loathing Hunter S. Thompson was a living, breathing drug and Rum Diary struggles to characterise him without narcotics. Depp should have rejuvenated Hunter as naïve

Nathan Jones

Ambient Enchantment

Inni Dir: Vincent Morisset 2011

The sound of a cheering crowd contrasts with the reverent silence of the audience in the cinema, building for a few seconds before receding behind the rhythmic picking of a bass guitar. Onscreen, a hypnotic montage of smoke, equipment and abstract shapes flickers, occasionally revealing the silhouette of a slender man, slightly hunched, clutching an electric guitar and a cello bow. He sings in a flawless falsetto, his voice pure and undistorted amid the vagueness of his image. So begins Inni, the second live film by Icelandic alternative rock band Sigur Ros, and their first collaboration with Canadian auteur filmmaker Vincent Morisset (Arcade Fire’s Miroir Noir).

Released concurrently with a live double album of the same name, Inni, unlike its 2007 predecessor Heima, is unapologetically niche in its execution. Spectators at the screening I attended were all existing fans, and it is precisely with this audience in mind that Inni has been made. Suffice to say that those not already enamoured with Sigur Ros’ glacial blend of ambience and rock are unlikely to be swayed here.

Nonetheless, Morisset has crafted a mesmerising visual accompani-

into flames; and at one point he sort of does.

More disastrously, the film comes across as pointless. Johnny Depp, a close personal friend of the late Hunter S. and obvious head honcho of the production, clearly feels this is a story that must be told; the origins of the greatest unfettered badass of journalism.

However, next to nothing in this film is faithful to the original book The Rum Diary or of any records we have of the writer’s experiences.

The movie itself feels loosely tethered to reality, with Depp simply

and conflicted but instead bumbles around, uncharismatic and hung over, in a muted version of his previous performance. The story tries to go more Terry Gilliam with an awkwardly slotted hallucination scene, but this both wildly contradicts Thompson’s actual experiences (he actually started tripping much later, whilst riding with the Hell’s Angels) and fails to live up to the terrifying, hilarious and delightful cinematic exploits of Hunter the older in Fear and Loathing.

The Rum Diary never shakes off these shackles to become its own.

Films about alcoholics, similar to real life benders, draw a fine line between being enjoyably riotous booze ups and melancholic picklings where nobody wants to talk to you because you stink of beer and don’t make any sense. It’s a shame that Robinson, director of Withnail and I (perhaps the greatest drinking film of all time), has come out with a film that is so much in the latter category. If you’re looking for the real Hunter S. Thompson; go out tonight, drink tequila till you don’t know who you are, snort cocaine off a chimp’s back and tab as much acid as it takes for you to talk to God. Alternatively rent Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, it’s probably safer.

Photo: Supplied

ment to the band’s ethereal, at times transcendent musical performance, in parts abrasive, engrossing, and bewitching. So often genre pieces of this kind fall short, aurally or visually, resulting in a film that engages neither cinematically nor musically, but Inni’s artfully indistinct aesthetics provide the perfect foil to Jónsi Birgisson’s piercing vocals and the refreshingly urgent percussion of Orri Páll Dýrason. Filmed digitally, before being transferred to 16mm

film, the director then re-filmed the projected footage, using glass and other items to warp and distort the images of band, audience, instruments and stage.

It’s an extremely singular approach, even by Sigur Ros’ own standards. Morisset deliberately contrasts Inni with Heima, stripping away every nonessential element, leaving nothing but the quartet and their instruments. Except that’s not quite true. Short pieces of archival

footage are inserted at intervals, showing the band before their commercial breakthrough at the turn of the century, giving interviews and playing small, lo-fi gigs. Whilst providing moments of humour, and though they are certainly interesting viewing in their own right, these vignettes can’t help but break the rhythm of what is otherwise a meticulously arranged performance. Their brief, colourful appearances amidst the shadows

and spotlights that dominate the majority of Inni feel like a compromise, an attempt to inject some variety into a production that is by no means lacking in it.

Such focus in terms of artistic representation inevitably also comes with a lack of universal accessibility. Whereas Heima was exceptionally, self-consciously beautiful, characterised by the vast, pristine landscapes of the Icelandic tundra, Inni places the band behind a gossamer veil of abstracted monochrome. At times the lighting is harsh, the music demanding, and the film can certainly be a difficult watch on occasion; however it is consistently rewarding, undeniably captivating, and filled with moments of incidental splendour.

In many ways, Inni seems like a natural conclusion; Sigur Ros’ spectral, otherworldly sound is inherently more suited to the dark intimacy of the cinema, than the packed arena in which it was captured. There’s nothing here that will convince sceptics to change their opinions, but as an enthralling, apposite portrayal of one of the most inventive rock bands of the past decade, it is ultimately impossible to call Inni anything other than an enchanting success.

Ross Hamilton

26 Arts & Culture

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

Roses on Stones

In October 1996 a band from Manchester decided to split up.

I didn’t care; I was five and three quarter years old and too busy pretending to be a velociraptor.

October 2011, fifteen years on and I’m twenty. My dinosaur impersonating days are long gone; it’s just no longer socially acceptable. Growing up can be tough. On the bright side, a quartet of Mancunian dinosaurs announced last month that they were to reform the band that my five year old self was oblivious to. The Stone Roses are to play three colossal shows at Manchester’s Heaton Park followed by a world tour and new album. Twenty year old me was proper chuffed, and I wasn’t the only one of our generation to be so, as Facebook and Twitter feeds erupted with a plethora of approvals and appraisals, whilst strategies were plotted for acquiring tickets.

It’s a testament to the timelessness of music that a band, whose eponymous debut album was released in 1989, before most of us were born, could warrant a reaction of this scale. But then again, this was a band caught up and helping to blow the gales in the whirlwind of their time. Manchester was a hubbub of musical and cultural activity; along with The Stone Roses, bands such as Happy Mondays and New Order turned industrial warehouses into nightclubs and repainted Lowry’s smog-scapes with the colours of acid induced psychedelia in the pan flash of ‘Madchester’. Erstwhile, the old dogs – Buzzcocks, The Smiths, Joy Division, The Fall – charmed, offended, gave hope and broke hearts. Of these, four have split and reunited and for reasons well known a few others can’t, or won’t, FOOD

reconvene.

But Manchester wasn’t the only place where musical revolutions were taking place. In the 90’s, from the terraced houses of Sheffield to hedgy Essex suburbia, bands started writing songs about everyday British life, whether it was about living a meagre existence in a flat above a shop and meeting a girl who studied sculpture, or being woken up by the bin men and going to feed the pigeons. There was always something abject in the quaintness of Britpop, but bands like Blur, Pulp, Oasis, Supergrass and Suede epitomised a ‘Cool Britannia’. The council estates may have been a seedy dank and the suburbs a hollow utopia, but they were ours and the music made us proud.

Blur were another outfit from yesteryear to pick up their instruments in recent times, playing a number of shows in Hyde Park and a headline slot at Glastonbury in 2009. During their split, they were far from unemployed. Damon Albarn suffered a loss of dimension as he lent his vocal and record producing skills to Gorillaz, Graham Coxon continued to mope and play immortal riffs as a solo artist, Alex James made some cheese and appeared on telly, and the drummer ran in three elections as a Labour candidate. So it was hardly out of boredom or poverty that this band decided to regroup, although, playing music for a few hours in front of hundreds of thousands of people is easy money, if not simply a reassurance that you’ve still got it.

As much as band reunions initially excite me, they always end up being a bit annoying, and, if not that, an anticlimax. Perhaps it’s

Photo: Supplied

How the Internet Killed the Rockstar

because I usually fail to get tickets (which I would need to sell vital organs to afford anyway). Besides, the prime pleasure in going see a reformed band is the speculations behind the music. Will Pete Doherty and Carl Barat have a slap fight or passionately snog on stage?

Will Graham Coxon muster a smirk while Alex James attempts to play the bass line to ‘Girls & Boys’ on a cheese-string and Damon Albarn drools in a mind melted stupor of his return to the third dimension?

Will Ian Brown still have the hips to perform that Neanderthal dancing of old? Probably not, but one thing these reunions do is remind us of the impact that music used to have when we waited in fidgets for bands to release albums and actually went to buy music from the record shop.

They may be past it now but their re-emergence makes us nostalgic for the noughties, the nineties and even though we weren’t alive then, the eighties.

It’s not that there isn’t any good music around today, in fact, the beauty of the problem is that there’s loads of it. The ‘digital age’ means your Gran could pick up a Rickenbacker, record a riff, autotune the vocals, and put a donk on it. The internet is awash with an ocean of musical innovation, and it’s sometimes difficult to keep up with the ebb and flow and pick out the flotsam from the jetsam. That’s why nowadays we don’t have those big musical movements of old. Every conceivable genre has been prefixed with ‘nu’, ‘post’, ‘nu nu’, or ‘post post’, and with the

decline of the reign of tyrannous record labels, the music scene is ever growing and chugging out its own tracks, like an organic engine.

Maybe in ten years time we’ll look back and think of the present music scene as era defining – the music that reflected the digital revolution.

But when bands come and go, are downloaded and deleted, and no longer appear on Top of the Pops, will we care enough to pay a kidney worth in ticket prices to stand in a field watching middle aged versions of a band whose album you downloaded because they had an inexplicable extra consonant or missing vowels in their name? I guess it doesn’t really matter, it’ll be on Youtube anyway.

Stephen Jenkins

Hamming it up Hungry Hayley gets hot and steamy with ris-oh-tto smothered with thick crème fraiche

Butternut Squash and Rocket Risotto You’ll need: 500g Arborio Rice 1 tablespoon butter 1 large onion, diced 2 cloves garlic, minced 1 large butternut squash, halved, seeds removed (use a spoon) 6 sprigs fresh thyme, leaves picked 1 glass dry white wine 2 large handfuls rocket 1 large chunk parmesan or grana padano, grated 4 large spoonfulls of crème fraiche 1L vegetable stock Red chili flakes Salt and pepper

We still haven’t turned our heating on. It’s so cold I can see my breath in my bedroom. I wear two jumpers. I make giant pots of risotto.

I roast happily orange squash in a very hot oven, and stand in front of it. This recipe combines both. Tied together with rocket and crème fraiche, this risotto is lifted out of pure stodge territory and would look pretty fancy garnished with sage fried in butter, which only takes minutes. While you’ll have two things going on at once its relatively unfussy and takes about an hour from start to finish. If you find stirring risotto to be like slow torture, get a friend to take turns with you. The key to risotto is making sure you are using a decent stock, and while homemade stuff is going to be your best bet the Knorr stock pots are genuinely good

How To: (Prep time 20 mins, Cook time 40 mins) Serves 6

and can be found at Tesco. As far as what wine to use, you don’t have to spend much, just avoid sickly sweet varieties, if the word “crisp” is in the blurb you are on the right track.

The following recipe is vegetarian, but you could easily add pancetta, substitute chicken stock, and even top with pan-seared scallops.

Preheat your oven to 200˚C. Place your halved butternut squash into a large roasting tin and season with salt, pepper, and chili flakes.

Turn squash over so the cut side is down, and pour in a mugful of water. Roast in the oven for 40 minutes, or until totally soft. In a medium sized saucepan bring stock to a simmer. In a large pot or deep frying pan melt the butter, and sauté onions and garlic over medium heat until translucent. Pour in Arborio rice and stir for about a minute, so each grain is coated in butter. Next add your white wine, it should steam up as the alcohol burns off. Now, ladleful by ladleful, add stock and stir until each batch is absorbed. Make sure you keep stirring so everything cooks evenly. In about 25 minutes the rice

should have softened and formed a thick, creamy sauce. It’ll stiffen up as you are serving so don’t worry if it looks a little sloppy. Using a large spoon, scrape the flesh of the butternut squash out of its skin and stir through the cooked risotto. Add thyme, a good pinch of chili flakes, rocket, crème fraiche, salt, pepper, and parmesan. Taste.

Please forward any recipe requests, questions, or comments to hamm@st-andrews.ac.uk

Arts & Culture 27

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011 ART | GALLERY SPOTLIGHT

BOOKS | cont.

Good Press gallery is a newly opened venture in Glasgow that’s well worth a look. An independently run galery and bookshop, it presents visual art, contemporary illustration, self and independently published zines, books and other printed matter.We like what they are doing, and so, asked them a few questions.

Why are you called ‘Good Press’?

Good Press is a joke with our good friend David Bailey, illustrator and ‘CEO’ of Good Grief! a small press store in Manchester. We were asked to do an exhibition together, Good Grief! and Museums Press, as part of the festival Future Everything in Manchester. We called the exhibition Good Press! Anyway, it was just before we were moving to Glasgow and we would joke with Dave that when we got there we should franchise Good Grief! and open a store in our new hometown, and so Good Press was born, not as a joke, more a homage.

How and why did you decide to set up Good Press?

Its something we always wanted to do and its a natural progression for us to go from Museums Press, the small press we run, to provide a space for artists, that aren’t always catered for, to show and sell their work in an accessible and affordable way.

Also, we felt that the areas of visual arts and illustration and independent publishing aren’t really covered. There is a lot missing that people will outwardly say they want to buy.

The original intention for Good Press was to be in a series of unused spaces or shops around Glasgow to raise awareness and also use some of the abundance of unused shop spaces. This became difficult, actually impossible, to do as estate agents and the council weren’t very responsive and made it financially unfeasible.

We are in a kind of unused space now... thanks to the very, very generous Colin and Tara at Mono, we’re using the back of the bar and cafe, it was closed off as its a big place, but we’ve set up a home for now and we’re very happy.

Financially this is not your usual gallery, how do you raise the money to keep this wonderful idea alive?

We cannot and do not want to be tied to any kind of financial situation I guess is the first thing. Any financial ties then compromise values. By being independent we can give more directly back to the artists, publishers, makers, community, anyone who visits!

We took part in a ‘crowdfunding’ exercise to get going. People were very generous and that gave us a good means to get started. Others chipped in, our friends put on a fundraising gig, Everyone has been very kind and giving in order for us to get on our feet.

How else do you differ from the usual gallery/bookshop?

The art in here is very different to any gallery here in Glasgow, and the stock is pretty different to the other bookshops. We are working within a certain area, a niche if you like, with independent publishing.

Most of the exhibitions here will have affordable works, in The Family Show, all the works are £30, and they’re all original works, which is criminally cheap, the same goes for the books. There is a range here, something for everyone’s taste and pocket.

We’re also very open about what we do. If you want to exhibit your work at Good Press, let us know. We try to and hope that we’ll always be approachable and open to everything we can do for as many people as possible.

Give one reason why people should walk through the doors of Good Press and see ‘The Family Show’?

Because all of the work is original, affordable and amazing. That’s three right? One reason... its just good.

RJ To read the full interv iew and find a link to the Good Press website, go to: www.thesaint-online.com Photos: Good Press

Damned Chuck Palahniuk Picador £9.99

Chuck Palahniuk is not America’s best writer, but he is America’s most dependable writer.

Every year, like a clockwork orgasm, he ejaculates a new book, for better or worse. In the past half-decade, unfortunately, his books have leaned towards the worst. But with Damned, his latest, a new Palahniuk era has opened up. He’s back in the ring again, writing at the same level as his masterpieces Choke and Fight Club. Chuck is back, not better than ever, but at least as good as he ever was.

Damned is a simple book. It’s less than 250 pages, and edible in single-digit hours. It’s The Breakfast Club meets Little Nicky, a formula that doesn’t seem difficult or particularly challenging to pull off, but works efficiently and entertains accordingly.

Reading this book, I was always aware of just how much fun it must have been to write. The narrative is told in first person through the voice of 11 year-old Madison Spencer, who has been condemned to Hell for eternity. Predictably, she encounters a cast of misfit characters who are all rather stereotypical, but nonetheless amusing and not altogether boring. There’s the

jock, the nerd, the JAP (I think I’m allowed to use that term because I’m Jewish), the anarchist psycho, etc.

It’s the usual cast of characters saying the usual things, making the usual moves. But Hell is a unique setting for them, and that’s the only thing that keeps the characters from completely going stale. The real selling point for Damned is its setting, not its characters.

Palahniuk’s Hell resembles a bad carnival. There’s cheap candy everywhere, monstrous exhibits of disgust and fear (an ocean of insects, a swamp of aborted fetuses, and a mountain of clipped toenails are just some of the geographic features on the map of Hell), and jaded wanderers who are occasionally snapped up and eaten by demons.

It’s a place you don’t really want to spend more that 250 pages visiting.

It’s important to remember that Hell is an incredibly easy subject matter for writers to utilize. Everyone, at some point, has fantasized about the place and its inhabitants – from Hitler to Stalin to Attila the Hun to Ronald Reagan. Everyone is automatically interested in these people, because they represent infernal evil, an automatically interesting subject.

Palahniuk takes few risks. And that’s what makes this one of

his best books. Effortles writing translates to effortless reading. And effortless reading is what people want from Chuck Palahniuk.

The major message of Damned, and basically the idea that Palahniuk is trying to prove, is this: “What makes earth feel like Hell is our expectation that it should feel like Heaven. Earth is earth.” That line, or something like it, is repeated four or five times throughout the book. Deal with disappointment.

Accept life for what it is and what it isn’t. Move on. I’m glad Palahniuk has learned these lessons himself, and has returned to creating quality and readable fiction. Damned is only the beginning of Palahniuk’s comeback.

- J. H. Ramsay

POETRY

The Charge of the Lightweight Brigade Half a pint, half a pint, Half a pint onward, All in the valley of Death Rode the six flatmates.

‘Forward, the Lightweight Brigade!

Charge for the shots’ he said: Into the valley of Death Rode the six flatmates.

‘Forward, the Lightweight Brigade!’

Was there a man dismay’d?

Not tho’ the freshers knew Some one had chunder’d: Their’s not to make reply, Their’s not to reason why, Their’s but to drink and die: Into the valley of Death Rode the six flatmates.

Tequila to right of them, Soco to left of them, Vodka in front of them Volley’d and chunder’d; Storm’d at with shot and yell, Boldly they drank and fell, Into the jaws of Death, Into the mouth of Hell Rode the six flatmates.

Flash’d all their glasses bare, Flash’d as they turned in air Sabring the freshers there, Charging a local while All the world wonder’d:

Plunged in the drunken-haze Stumbling thro’ streets for days; White and Black Russian Reel’d from forgotten lays Shatter’d and chunder’d.

Then they rode back, but not Not the six flatmates.

Tequila to right of them, Soco to left of them, Vodka behind them Volley’d and chunder’d; Storm’d at with shot and yell, While brother and sister fell, They that had drunk so well Came thro’ the jaws of Death, Back from the mouth of Hell, All that was left of them, Left of six flatmates.

When can their hangovers fade?

O the wild charge they made!

All the world wonder’d.

Honour the charge they made!

Honour the Lightweight Brigade, Noble six flatmates!

By Rory Mackenzie

28 Sport

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

Trigger-happy RFU On the website tarnishing English Rugby?

Since England returned demoralised from the Rugby World Cup six weeks ago, English international rugby has undergone a great deal of change and upheaval. After Manu Tuilagi was cautioned and fined for diving off of a ferry just before their departure from New Zealand, the English team has rarely been far out of the news.

Immediately after the defeat to France, Rob Andrew announced a series of reviews into England’s performance and the performance of those men charged with running the team. Not long after that Fran Cotton, who is chairing a review of the whole structure of English rugby, publically criticised both manager Martin Johnson and senior player Mike Tindall.

After a couple of weeks of silence as the reviews were undertaken and considered, Martyn Thomas, the acting chief executive of the Rugby Football Union (RFU), stood down from his position at the beginning of November after severe criticism from the union’s member clubs. He had survived a vote of no-confidence just two months beforehand but it seems that the debacle of the World Cup and increasing pressure from below finally forced his hand.

Perhaps the most surprising event of the autumn came on 11 November. Mike Tindall had been photographed by the press with an unknown blonde woman in a bar in New Zealand and had come under public criticism for alleged behaviour that was not suitable for a professional sportsman in such a senior position in the English world cup squad.

However, Martin Johnson had not seen fit to punish him at the time and the affair was assumed to have blown over, but on the eleventh it was announced that Tindall would be fined £25,000 and removed from the England squad for the foreseeable future.

For comparison, Tuilagi was fined just £3,000 for his actions while Chris Ashton and James Haskell were given suspended £5,000 fines for misdemeanours during the tour. Considering Tindall’s age and form, it is likely that this signals the end of his career.

Tindall swiftly signalled his intention to appeal the (unprecedented) decision but Johnson obviously felt that enough was enough. All of the noises coming from above him suggested that it was only a matter of time before he was himself removed and the punishment handed down to Tindall further signified the RFU’s intentions.

On 16 November Johnson officially announced his intention to step down from his job as England manager after three-and -a-half years. The attitude of his

not getting any younger while Thomas had lost virtually all support from the clubs who make up the body of the RFU. So these three resignations and removals were probably going to happen this winter no matter what. However, they have been handled badly and it is probably not surprising that neither Mallett nor Woodward want the England manager’s job.

What should be a high honour, coach of one of the oldest and richest rugby union teams in the world, is instead indelibly linked with sackings and resignations.

Andrew appears to be the common factor in many of the problems at the top of the RFU and until he is gone, it will probably continue to struggle.

UP-TO-DATE STATS SECTION

We now have Saints Sport results, fixtures and tables online, corresponding to the latest round of BUCS matches. See what form the University clubs are on, and where they lie in their respective BUCS league tables.

IT’S JUST NOT CRICKET Ben Reiss Reaction to the betting scandal which has afflicted the world of cricket, and a reflection on the punishments meted out to the Pakistani players found guilty.

See these and more online at: www.thesaint-online.com/sport

Plenty of cheer for Saints with trophy-winning debut Lynsey Smith Cheerleading Club Publicity Officer

The University of St Andrews Cheerleading Club entered their very first competition on 12 November in Dundee and took second place for Senior Cheer Level 2, bagging a very shiny souvenir for the AU trophy cabinet.

Nerves were flying high all morning, as the day started at 6.30am. The pre-performance jitters continued to manifest themselves as they arrived at the venue and everyone was on edge after a shaky warm up and last minute changes to the routine.

Megan O’Donnell, a base for one of the stunt groups, was overheard saying “I could really do with a wee drink right now”, a feeling that the whole team would agree was mutual!

It all came together during the performance though – the stunts went up, the jumps were high and everyone smiled their way through the whole thing. Afterwards the adrenalin buzz was clear to see with Dance Captain Jess Walker exclaiming “let’s do that again!” as the Saints bounded off stage.

The following performances took up another five hours, allowing the squad to enjoy a well-deserved chill-out.

However, this was followed by an agonising wait for the teams in first, second and third place to be announced. As the Saints were declared the second place winners, an initial moment of shock and disbelief was followed by jumping and screaming as it began to sink in.

The Saints left the competition on a high with a reignited sense of team spirit and celebrated their triumph the whole way home, resulting in a few odd looks from people on the 99A back to St Andrews.

This is an amazing achievement considering the girls had to fight

off well-established squads from across Scotland with a team that only formed six weeks ago. Of the twenty six girls on the competition team, sixteen of them were new recruits this year and had never even tried cheerleading prior to the start of this academic year.

None of this would have been possible without the complete dedication and perseverance of each of the team members, and this award is testament to their hard work.

Despite a gruelling seven hour practice the day before the competition meaning everyone’s Reading Week was cut short, the Saints kept on smiling and worked hard to make sure the routine went as well as it did on the day.

The girls have been whipped into shape by ScotCheer coach Steve Walls and his helpers from Team Scotland, as well as getting tips from Brianne Miller, a PhD

student who gave up her time to help perfect the routine.

The progress made has been phenomenal: in six weeks the team had achieved so much, and this year looks set to be the best one yet for the Saints. Twelve months ago the squad came to spectate at this competition and sat in awe of all the performances, and this time round they took home a prize.

All in all, this experience is something the girls will never forget and proves to be a very promising start to the Saints competitive career. With the next competition coming up in April and with the possible addition of a Cheer Dance routine, they could well be adding to that trophy cabinet.

You can follow the Saints on Twitter at twitter.com/stscheerleading or visit their website at cheerleading.saintssport.com

Photo: Lynsey Smith

Ben Reiss Saint Sport Sub-editor

line-manager as they sat together delivering the news was telling.

Rob Andrew appeared relaxed and almost flippant. To many this suggested that the RFU board intended to sack Johnson anyway.

All of this has left the England team in something of a crisis. This crisis has nothing to do with the situation of the team or even the difficulty of replacing Johnson with the Six Nations looming.

There are several plausible contenders for Johnson’s job and even though two promising options (Nick Mallett, former coach of Italy and Sir Clive Woodward, coach of the World Cup-winning team in 2003) have removed themselves for consideration, others (such as Jim Mallinder, currently with Northampton Saints) remain.

Instead, the RFU is now in a position where it looks rudderless and weak. Andrew was in New Zealand at the time of Tindall’s alleged misdemeanours and had he truly viewed the incident as serious enough to merit the £25,000 fine, he should have stepped in at that point. Instead he waited a month before handing out the punishments and made Tindall a scapegoat.

Repeated resignations are not good for the image of any company and the same holds true of the RFU. Andrew has now presided over the ends of the tenures of three English coaches and now that Thomas has also gone, the RFU has a high record of resignations and sackings in recent years.

All of this has happened with Andrew as an influential figure. It seems highly likely that Cotton’s report into the state of English rugby will be critical of the man who took what many viewed as a brave (and others as a foolhardy) decision to appoint the untried Johnson in 2008.

Johnson showed himself to be willing and was certainly not completely unsuccessful as he led England to a win ratio of over 50% and a Six Nations title as well as victories over Australia at home and abroad. It should also not be forgotten that despite not playing to the best of their abilities, his England team ended the group stages of the world cup unbeaten.

He did also have flaws though.

His loyalty to players many saw as his old ‘mates’ (such as Steve Borthwick, Jonny Wilkinson and Tindall), his conservative approach, failure to hand debuts to young players early enough and his reluctance to pick ‘fetching’ open-side flankers left him open to criticism.

All of this meant that it is likely Johnson would have gone this winter had the World Cup not been an unqualified success.

His contract would have run out in December and after three and a half years, the team moulded in his image had not progressed enough.

Likewise, Tindall was looking more and more out of place and

ADDING SOME SPARKLE: Saints dazzled the judges on their competition debut

Sport 29

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

Saint Sport shapes up with START

Whistleblower Sport Editor Richard Browne reviews November’s international football (a.k.a. ‘Poppygate’)...

START (St Andrews Rehabilitation Therapies) is the new Sports Medicine Clinic opening at the University Sports Centre. It is open to staff, students and the general public and its team consists of two physiotherapists, a sports medicine doctor, podiatrist and massage therapist.

Keep an eye on Saint Sport for details on common injuries and how to prevent and treat them, starting this week with the ankle sprain.

Management: In the first 48 hours...

Things to do: Rest Ice (20 mins/2hours) Compress Elevate Avoid: Heat Alcohol Running Massage It is important to try and walk as normally as possible as pain will permit, even if it means shorter steps due to the restricted range. Taking anti-inflammatory medication for a few days can help minimise swelling.

When able to walk with discomfort, start doing some basic ankle movements: pointing the toes, pulling them back up, twisting the foot to the outside and

Photo: START

Mechanism: “Inversion” inj u ries n o r m a l l y h a p p e n when the foot is pointed and coming into contact with the ground and the outside of the foot ends up taking all of the weight. It is most common in rugby, football, netball, basketball, volleyball and hockey. Cross country runners are also at risk due to uneven surfaces.

Normally, there is instant pain on the outside of the ankle and swelling may start within a few minutes. Bruising can extend all the way to the toes.

A type 3 ankle sprain

inside (gently).

‘The ankle sprain is most common in rugby, football, netball, basketball, volleyball and hockey, while cross country runners are also at risk’ Days four to fourteen: Improving proprioception is the k e y t o p re v e n t i ng t he injury recurring.

- Standing on one leg when brushing your teeth.

- Stepping side to side onto

one leg and for 3 seconds.

- Standing on a cushion with your eyes closed. Aim for 30 seconds.

- Jumping and turning 90 degrees to land on the affected side.

- Walking on uneven surfaces (beach), grass, gentle hills.

Once able to walk pain free and do most of these exercises with confidence, start jogging and gradually increase the amount of twisting movements and intensity of changes of direction.

Taping or wearing a supportive brace is an option, but only for the short term.

For more information about this or about START, visit www. startclinic.co.uk or contact Bernie on 07900 555 005.

IT BEGAN WITH FIFA seeing red over poppies and ended with Sepp Blatter blushing red over racism. In between, England beat a team playing in red who are usually quite good.

And Scotland won against Cyprus!

World Cup 2014 here we come!

For those who don’t know, the row about the home nations playing with poppy emblems on Remembrance Sunday weekend was a consequence of FIFA’s rule that national team strips must not sport “political, religious or commercial messages”.

Prince William and David Cameron got stroppy over the poppy and eventually a compromise was reached: the national teams could wear black armbands with little red flowers on them. Phew, civilisation could continue.

Anyway, now there was some football to be played. Scotland travelled to Cyprus and decided, against all convention in away matches, to play a striker. That striker, Kenny Miller, scored a gobsmacker to give Scotland the lead; controlling a long ball brilliantly, he lobbed a doozy of a finish into the top left-hand corner.

The Scots’ recent going-over by Spain (which ended their Euro 2012 hopes) appeared to have rubbed off on them, for Jamie Mackie scored another quality individual effort; it took approximately 2.3 seconds for the first comparisons to be made with Archie Gemmill’s 1978 classic.

Scotland won 2-1 and actually played rather well, despite captain Darren Fletcher spending most of the match passing to the ball boys. Cyprus were at times unlucky (hitting the woodwork twice) and at others hopeless - oddly enough, this applies to Scotland most of the time as well.

Talking of hopeless, we had Estonia - who had somehow come second in their group - taking on the Republic of Ireland in a Euro 2012 qualifying play-off first leg. They were truly awful, going behind to Keith Andrews’ goal and then lacking any attacking ideas save for shooting any time they got within thirty yards of goal. It’s a wonder they didn’t score.

Estonia lost two men to red cards and then lost their heads in the last

twenty minutes as Jonathan Walters and MLS-hotshot Robbie Keane (twice) put the tie out of sight.

Saturday saw Wales beat Norway 4-1 for their third consecutive win.

They’re looking pretty hot for the future, now they’ve had their very own ‘Bale-out’.

This was all before we got to England against Spain. Optimistic England fans were hoping for a losing margin of five or less. So to say England winning 1-0 was unexpected is something of an understatement.

Spain, or ‘Sparcelona’ as they are commonly referred to as, again showed their lack of interest in winning friendly matches. They took Xavi off at half-time even though their dominance of possession had not yielded any goals. Going behind to Frank Lampard’s tap-in after Darren Bent hit the post, Spain effectively raised the white flag by bringing on Fernando Torres - Joe Hart knew his clean sheet was safe then.

England were lucky, yes (Cesc Fabregas’ long hair getting in his eyes as he spurned a number of chances), but they also deserve credit. Scott Parker kept up his recent Tottenham form and kept the Spanish at bay just long enough for England to complete their five-passes-and-give-it-awayagain routine. The centre-backs - Phil Jagielka and Joleon Lescott - earned plenty of praise too.

England won again, against Sweden, with their 2000th all-time goal coming courtesy of a Daniel Majstorovic own-goal. Quite apt, really, as England have been shooting themselves in the foot for the last 45 years.

The Irish wrapped up qualification with a 1-1 home draw to spark celebrations and become the Scots’ favourite to beat the English next summer.

There was just enough time for FIFA President Blatter to manage another gaffe by suggesting on-pitch racial abuse could be sorted out by a handshake. The main problem with this idea (besides its obvious stupidity and offence caused) is that Luis Suarez will be using his hand to clear the ball off his goalline instead of sorting things out with Patrice Evra.

Sporting World

R&B SINGER RIHANNA was left red-faced after an awkward encounter with Tottenham striker Jermain Defoe. Inviting him backstage after her performance at the London O2, she said, “Oh Jermain, you play for Arsenal yeah? I’ve heard all about you.” She then made a cringe-worthy attempt to cover up her mistake: “Haha.

Gotcha. Only joking. You’d look great in red though.” Not sure a change in shirt colour will have Defoe rushing to Harry Redknapp with a transfer request.

Another Premiership striker, Wayne Rooney, has hired the

award-winning Pulmann Association Architects to redesign... his garden shed. Having fought off complaints from his neighbours, it remains to be seen whether Rooney intends to create his very own Shed End [a stand at Stamford Bridge].

serves, were told to play again. But only nine of them were eligible to take the field. On twenty minutes the senior team arrived and they were able to strengthen the side - nonetheless, they did well to only lose 3-0!

At the other end of the wealth spectrum, we have poor old Universitario of Peru. In a bid to save money, the team waited until the morning of their away match to Cienciano for their flight, only for it to be delayed. When kick-off arrived, the team was still not there - so the reserve team players, who had just played the Cienciano re-

Chancer of the week has to be Irish football fan Conor Cunningham. Having travelled to Ireland’s Euro 2012 qualifier in Estonia without a ticket, he found a bag of footballs and Estonian team tracksuit, before sitting down to enjoy the match in the Estonian dug-out!

RB .

Photo: therugbyforum.com

A selection of the funny, bizarre and downright odd from the sometimes very strange world of sport...

WILD: Canada’s Adam Kleeberger does ‘Movember’ proud with this effort

30 Sport

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

AU Clubs in brief GOLF Saints succumb in Aberdeen

HOCKEY Top wins for women’s teams

NETBALL You win some, you lose some

VOLLEYBALL Saints on the charge

THE SAINTS WOMEN’s 1st team’s early-season troubles appear to be behind them, as they won their third consecutive match.

Their 57-49 victory away to Queen Margaret University 1sts has moved them up to joint first in BUCS Scottish 2A, with their next match away to Aberdeen.

THE Golf MIXED 1sts crashed to a disappointing defeat away to Aberdeen 1sts, with the home side winning the match 7-3.

The result leaves the team in joint second place (with Aberdeen) in BUCS Scottish 1A, but they are now six points behind the leaders, Stirling 1sts.

LAST WEEK SAW the Women’s 2nds and 4ths earn big home victories. The 2nd team defeated Edinburgh Napier 1sts 4-0, while the 4ths inflicted a 7-1 beating on Abertay 2nds.

The Men’s 1sts, however, lost 3-0 away to Stirling 1sts, so will hope to bounce back against Edinburgh 2nds.

THE ST Andrews Netball sides had a mixed afternoon last Saturday in terms of results. The 1sts suffered a 33-40 home defeat to Edinburgh 1sts.

While the 3rds also lost (to Queen Margaret 1sts), there was success for the 2nd team, as they triumphed 3832 away to Edinburgh 3rds.

THE WOMEN’s 1sts moved into second place in BUCS Scottish 1A with a tense win (3-2) against league leaders Edinburgh Napier. This Sunday they host Glasgow, hoping to continue their good run of form.

The Men’s 1sts, top of BUCS 2A, host Glasgow on that same afternoon.

Photo:: Tam McTavish

BASKETBALL Women’s 1sts resurgent

Manchester menace Saints again Canoe club’s fast Ben Reiss Saint Sport Sub-editor

St Andrews Men’s 1STS fencing team suffered defeat to a strong Manchester 1sts team by 129 points to 110 on Wednesday 16th of November. The Saints have enjoyed a healthy rivalry with Manchester in recent times, losing both league games last year but beating them in the semi-finals of the BUCS Championship finals.

Coming into this game both teams were equal on points in the league and were battling for the privilege of getting into second place behind a dominant Edinburgh team.

However, first Saints would have to get through a Manchester team that had lost narrowly to table-toppers Edinburgh and comfortably beaten a Loughborough team that had made short work of St Andrews the week before.

The St Andrews line-up looked strong on paper but was shorn of two key fencers in the foil and sabre bouts. This did not appear to inconvenience them at the start of the foil contest as they raced into the lead thanks to some sharp work by Cesar DiazGonzalez.

By the end of bout two, Manchester had pulled some points back through the confident and competent performance of Jason Shillingford, who made short work of the heavy-footed Darran Milne.

From then on in, the foil contest was something of a procession for Manchester.

The outstanding Andrew Fenwick brushed aside Laurence Carrick and Diaz-Gonzalez, who only managed to land two hits between them, while Shillingford was clinical in dispatching his opponents in his next two bouts.

The final score of 45-26 in

Manchester ’s favour was a reasonable reflection of their dominance but St Andrews were hopeful that Diaz-Gonzalez, Carrick and captain James McDonagh could redress the balance in the sabre contest.

After the first four bouts, this hope looked futile as Manchester raced into a 20-10 lead, Shillingford this time swiftly dispatching two opponents while only receiving two hits himself.

However, in a spectacular display in the fifth round, Diaz-Gonzalez demolished

‘The foil contest became a procession for Manchester as Fenwick and Shillingford comfortably won the remaining bouts’ Fenwick by 15 points to four. As he continually failed to make an impression on his opponents defence, the Irishman’s attacks grew wilder and wilder. DiazGonzalez sat back and soaked it up before again and again darting past Fenwick’s blade.

By the end of the bout, St Andrews were ahead for the first time since the opening exchanges.

They narrowly lost the next bout but with three to go and at just two points down, the atmosphere was tense as both teams sensed this was the tipping point.

Victory for the Saints would allow them to make a push for victory in their strongest category while victory for the English university would make the match safe for them.

The next two bouts were won

by Manchester, leaving St Andrews needing 11 points to win the sabre contest. Despite his earlier heroics, Diaz-Gonzalez only managed four hits and Manchester won 45-38.

This meant the cumulative score heading into the epeé contest was 90-64 and with only 45 more points on offer, the Saints had the tough task of restricting Manchester to 18 points or fewer in order to win the contest.

This was always going to be too much for a St Andrews team that never really fought to its potential and so it proved, Manchester reaching safety in the fifth bout of the epeé fight. However, this came during a markedly improved display from St Andrews.

Despite Milne’s continued struggles, Hugh Oberlander and Simone Manzini fought well, both winning two bouts and Oberlander drawing his bout with the ever-present Fenwick. The latter had the privilege of facing up to Manzini in the last fight of the afternoon in what proved to be a very tense bout.

Although Manchester needed 13 hits to win the contest, the Irishman came onto the piste obviously intending to fight for the win and it took all of Manzini’s skill to keep his opponent to just six points in collecting the five hits necessary for St Andrews to

‘On paper we were as good or maybe even better, but we did not play like it’ win the epeé contest 45-38 in an overall losing cause.

‘On paper we were as good, or maybe even slightly better than [Manchester], but we did not play like it,’ said a the disappointed Saints coach Mark McKenzie.

Captain McDonagh thought the reasons for their loss were slightly different. ‘We were missing two players, a saberist and a foilist. Those were the two contests we lost so if they had been here...’

start to the season

Photo: Kirstie MacMillan

ST ANDREWS 1STS 110 MANCHEST’R 1STS 129

SLICK TEAM-WORK: St Andrews Canoe Club have come racing off the starting line this year, already recording some excellent wins in one-off competitions and currently topping the canoe polo Division 2 table with an almost perfect record Kirstie MacMillan Canoe Club Competitions Captain

The Canoe Club has had an exceptional start to its competitions calendar, with superb results from polo and slalom competitions.

This year the club has an extra canoe polo team in the Scottish leagues, giving freshers a chance to try this fast-paced and exciting game.

The A team has had a very promising start and is currently top of the Division 2 table having lost just one of eight games played so far.

The first weekend of November saw players of all ability levels participate in some friendly matches against Edinburgh University.

With goals a-plenty and several fresher players making spectacular debuts, an unforgettable

night of partying in the capital followed.

A team of eight also represented St Andrews at the SSS Indoor Slalom event in Dundee, which comprised of courses set to test speed, turning and rolling techniques.

Special mention goes to Amy Kinkaid, first in the Women’s competition, Jon Wyles and Tim Cain, second and third in the Fresher ’s category, and Patrick Jenner and Jonny Hawkins, who beat twelve teams to win the duo event.

At the end of this month the club heads further afield to BUCS Wild Water Racing, with high hopes of continuing the success. achieved so far.

The Canoe Club welcomes people of all abilities and interests. Visit canoe.saints-sport.com for more details.

Sport 31

The Saint • Thursday 24 November 2011

Photos: Nefeli Piree Iliou

Football roundup: Saints’ eleven-goal slaughter of sorry Glasgow Caledonian side

UNDER SIEGE: The Glasgow Caledonian defence was simply no match for Saints’ offensive play, shipping eleven goals

RUNNING RIOT: Saints were far too good for the visitors, as shown by the scoreline

ST andrews women’s 1sts achieved an outstanding result last Wednesday, crushing Glasgow Caledonian 1sts 11-0.

The visitors, second bottom in the BUCS Scottish 2A league, could not cope with Saints’ attacking intensity and allowed

them to rack up their biggest league victory in some time.

That result cemented Saints’ hold on second place in their BUCS division, and they are now only three points behind Glasgow 1sts.

Meanwhile, the match be-

tween the Men’s 1sts and Edinburgh 3rds was cancelled at short notice; the only other match to go ahead was Saints 3rds’ 0-0 draw away to Dundee 3rds, giving the former team their first point of the season.

RB

Dundee squeeze out Saints on derby day ST ANDREWS 1STS 19 DUNDEE 1STS 21

ST ANDREWS PROVED a very generous host last Wednesday night, as Aberdeen were deserving winners against both Saints Men’s and Women’s 1sts.

The first match to get underway was between the two Men’s sides. Aberdeen had started the season with two comfortable wins, while the hosts had won their sole match played this year.

Aberdeen made the stronger start, taking a 4-0 lead, but Saints pushed them all the way up to 10-10, aided by Nick James’ longrange effort. The opening period served to represent the overall picture of the game: the hosts set up attacks well, but the visitors’ defence was strong and they were more clinical at the other end. Saints were also giving away too many fouls, giving Aberdeen breathing space at 21-16.

From the restart the away side quickly stretched their lead to thirteen points, with their no. 6 (Sutherland) particularly lethal.

The hosts started to edge their way back in, tightening their defence and finding their passing range, with Garrett Turner wielding increasing influence on the match.

However, Aberdeen maintained their own strong perform-

Photo: St Andrews Men’s Rugby Club

Harri Thomas and John Stackhouse

BOGEY TEAM: The Men’s 1st XV’s season so far has been hampered by three defeats to Dundee 1sts; while Saints did score three wellworked tries in their latest meeting with the league leaders, Dundee maintained possession in the dying moments to seal another win

ance, answering every point conceded with more of their own, and the score on half-time was 45-36 to the visitors.

Saints came roaring back on resumption of play, as two free throws from Bobby Fessler and a pinpoint score by Turner cut Aberdeen’s lead to just four points.

Yet Aberdeen were not broken and – their coach having called a time-out – they then pushed their lead back up to ten. Saints were a little lacking in discipline, feeling they were getting a raw deal from the officials, and crucial mistakes became increasingly prevalent. A string of penalties then put Aber-

deen into a formidable position at 69-51.

In the final period the match descended into something of a bad-tempered foul-fest, with the visitors benefiting most. The hosts’ shoulders did not drop but – besides the occasional longrange field goal – they appeared to have left their shooting boots on the bench, with their opponents still more clinical in taking their scoring opportunities.

As the match drew to its conclusion Andrew Hall scored possibly the best-worked goal of the night; but in throwing men

St Andrews RUGBY 1sts came away bitterly disappointed after a narrow defeat to a strong Dundee side in what was an exciting and tense encounter on a crisp autumnal afternoon in St Andrews.

The Saints came into the match with mixed form, having already lost twice to Dundee this season, but nonetheless confident after the recent 62-5 drubbing of Heriot Watt.

Dundee were on the front foot for the first 10 minutes, dominating possession in the Saints’ 22 and stretching their defence to the limit. However, the Saints re-

peatedly held out, demonstrating their fine defensive capabilities.

The home team were then able to force the initiative in the 15th minute, scoring a superb try against the run of play. After passing down the line, Taremeredzwa Nyabadza made a storming run while holding off two defenders, followed by a superb offload to Jack Hannay, who in turn offloaded to Scott Lang to dive straight between the posts.

The conversion took the score to 7-0.

Their joy was short-lived: just two minutes after the drop-out, Dundee managed to pull level after ploughing forward with a strong driving maul, sucking in the Saints defenders before releasing the ball wide, with the Dundee number 11 finishing in the corner. The try was subsequently converted.

With the scores level, the match settled down to a slower pace. The Saints were dominating in the scrum but neither side was able to really take control as both teams missed penalties and conceded turnovers. Dundee had the better of the attacking opportunities, nearly breaking through on a couple of occasions, but the Saints continued to defend strongly.

A break came in the 28th minute, when a Saints clearance failed to relieve pressure. The away team came on the attack, forcing the ball wide and stretching the Saints’ defence to its limit.

They managed to clear, but Dun-

SAINT

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