The Rambler Vol. 100 No. 7

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The Rambler

The students’ voice since 1917

www.txwes.edu/rambler

March 26, 2008

NEWS BRIEFS Happy April Fools!

See The Lambler, our annual April Fool’s issue, on page 3 for some seasonal news fun.

News Briefs

FAFSA time!

The office of finanacial aid reminds all students that it’s FAFSA time once again, for the 2008-2009 school year. Remember that it’s mandatory for all students seeking financial aid. First, either complete your 2007 taxes or make sure your parents complete theirs. Next, get a pin number at www.pin.ed.gov. Next, fill out your FAFSA at www.fafsa.ed.gov and enter in the Texas Wesleyan University federal school code (003645). For extra information, visit the office of financial aid on the third floor of the administration building or call (817) 5314420.

Game on!

Texas Wesleyan’s International Club hosts its annual international games day April 2.

The Asian game Five Stones, the Swedish game Kubb and Europe’s Boule (also known as Petanque) will be demonstrated and played from 11 a.m.-1 p.m. on the mall in front of the library.

Floorball, wildly popular in Europe, will be played from 5 p.m.-7 p.m. in the gym.

Wesleyan’s table tennis team practices in preparation to defend their national championship titles in Minnesota April 11-13 from 7 p.m.-9 p.m. in the gym.

Do you survey?

Campus food service company Aramark is conducting another survey to get information on campus lifestyles and preferences. It only takes five to 10 minutes and answers are confidential. Participants can enter to win a Bose SoundDock Digital Music System. Visit www.collegesurvey.com/txwes to take the survey.

Calling all alumni Wesleyan’s All Alumni Reunion will include a picnic in front of the Eunice L. West Library followed by a spirit rally with performance by current and former cheerleaders April 18. The Alpha Chi/Golden Shears breakfast and a performance of the Spring musical “Little Me” take place on April 19.

A full schedule and links to register can be found at www. txwes.edu.

HOT JOB opportunities @ Career Services Part-time Tutor, Refugee School Impact Program Various Positions, Fidelity Investments Program Coordinators, Envision

Vol. 100, No.7

Now that we have your

attention

Photo by Kevin Keathley

The girls of Lambda Theta Alpha celebrate their sorority’s official recognition by Texas Wesleyan University before spring break.

City manager emphasizes community when it comes to growth.

“Expanding our water resources will help Dallas and STAFF WRITER Fort Worth to further grow,” said Fisseler.

This requires drastic measures, Fisseler said, such as Fort Worth’s new city manager, Dale Fisseler, gave one of his first speeches as head of the city at Texas the proposal to build another lake in East Texas . Like the Wesleyan University earlier this month. He spoke at the Lake Worth proposal by a city engineer in 1897, the curLouella Baker Martin Pavilion and expressed the impor- rent lake proposal in East Texas remains controversial tance of community and collaboration along with the primarily because of land utilization disagreement.

Another project underway that could better Fort infrastructure to support the growing city.

Fisseler spoke to the East Area Fort Worth Chamber Worth’s water systems is the well-publicized Trinity River Vision master plan. Spanning 88 miles of the of Commerce celebrating its 125th anniversary.

The revitalization of older neighborhoods like those Trinity River, supporters say this plan will support the around Texas Wesleyan University is a focus of city lead- city’s growing population, enhance flood protection for ers. Fisseler shared with the east Fort Worth audience the residents, provide recreational opportunities, preserve example of the redevelopment of the area at Berry Street the river and its ecosystems, allow better access to the and Riverside Drive, an area infested with high crime and river’s waterfront and revitalize the urban setting of Fort Worth. unsightly housing.

Along with these things, Fisseler said it will provide According to Fort Worth Weekly, more than 1,000 the city better drainage, a challenge that molding apartments that were housing has grown for Fort Worth. much of the area’s illegal activity were With so many ideas and visions torn down under the Sierra Vista Plan. “We won’t be able to do in mind to enhance the Fort Worth The empty space left is being used to anything without you all.” area’s infrastructure, the cost is not build single-family homes that will be – Dale Fisseler cheap. Currently, the city needs $2.38 priced around $80,000. Such effort for Fort Worth City Manager billion to continue on with its improve“quality affordable housing” is a top priment plans. As he talked about the many ority for city leaders.

Another area Fisseler said is constantly being projects underway to improve the city’s infrastructure, improved is downtown. It has drastically evolved over Fisseler pointed out some challenges he is prepared to face as the new city manager. These challenges include the decades into what it is today.

“This could not have been done without private maintaining the city’s financial stability, investing in infrastructure and increasing gas drilling for the area. investment and civic support,” said Fisseler.

As he foretold the challenges he will face and the Although certainly considered a success as it stands now, downtown Fort Worth is still changing. Projects goals he and the city council have, Fisseler stressed that such as the construction of the Omni Hotel and they will not be able to do it alone.

“We won’t be able to do anything without you all,” Convention Center and the improvement of Lancaster Avenue are in full force. The portion of Lancaster in said Fisseler.

Fisseler noted the impressive growth and popularity downtown is being redesigned to encourage pedestrian of the city, even with one of the area’s highest property activity and public transportation.

Among the improvements, however, are the chal- tax rates.

“It is amazing how we have so many people living lenges. Such factors as homelessness and a high infant here,” he said. Realizing mortality rate are hindering this, Fisseler said, the city’s progress. As of now, shows there is a lot the homeless population in more to the city of Fort Tarrant County has reached Worth.

4,042. Some 85 percent of Fisseler replaced in Tarrant County’s homeless February retiring City population resides in Fort Manager Charles Worth, and city leaders Boswell.

Fisseler had believe it is far too much. been an assistant city “The issue of the homemanager since 2004 less population in Fort Worth where he was responsineeds to be addressed,” said ble for Fort Worth’s Fisseler. The infant mortality economic and commurate is also of great concern. nity development, hous“A city with a high infant ing, minority and mortality rate is deemed as women owned enternot being a world class city,” prise and development said Fisseler. services. Fisseler is a The city is also facing Texas A&M University challenges with infrastrucgraduate with a bacheture, including traffic and lor’s degree in civil water supply. Traffic is obviPhoto courtesy of city of Fort Worth ously a concern, but the water Dale Fisseler is Fort Worth’s new city manager. He spoke at engineering. supply is also a top priority Wesleyan earlier this month.

SHAMEKA HYATT

TAJC calls to students for legal aid shortage The Texas Access to Justice Commission has a message for law students: “We need your help.”

Catherine Nahay, program developer for the commission, spoke to Texas Wesleyan University School of Law students this month about the serious shortage of legal aid attorneys in Texas and how the commission is working to involve law schools and law students in addressing the challenges faced by legal aid.

With current funding, legal aid service providers in Texas can help only about 22 percent of lowincome Texans in need of civil legal services. Critical legal problems facing low-income Texans include domestic violence, housing issues and consumer scams targeting the elderly, among others. Currently, there is one Texas attorney in private practice for every 519 Texans.

However, there is only one legal aid attorney for every 11,762 lowincome Texans.

The Texas Access to Justice Commission’s Law School Advisory Committee, composed of the deans of each of Texas’ nine law schools, has implemented several programs, including internships, student loan repayment assistance and scholarships, to further involve law students in the legal aid delivery system.

Cynthia Fountaine, interim dean and professor of law at Texas Wesleyan University, believes law schools and law students play a vital role in the justice system.

“Providing and improving access to justice are important aspects of the school’s mission of public service,“ Fountaine said. “I hope each of our students gains an appreciation for his or her own civic and professional responsibilities to work to improve access to justice in our community, in our state and in our country.”

This year, up to three students from each of the state’s nine law schools will receive Access to Justice Summer Internships to work at legal aid offices for seven weeks during the summer. Thanks to a generous donation from the Texas Legal Protection Plan, the interns will receive stipends to cover their increased living costs during the internships. This distinctive program places students in academic internships at legal aid offices in areas of the state where there is no law school.

Opportunities for summer internships in legal aid offices are also available through the State Bar of Texas Litigation Section and the State Bar Labor and Employment Law Section. Both sections fund these paid internships for law students as part of their pro bono activities.

The commission created the Texas Student Loan Repayment Assistance Program in 2002 to encourage and enable recent law school graduates to work for Texas legal aid organizations and to assist legal aid programs in retaining experienced lawyers. For current recipients, the average salary is $45,000 per year; however, the average education debt is $85,000.

The program currently provides up to $400 per month in the form of forgivable loans to qualified applicants. To date, the program has provided almost $500,000 to legal aid lawyers.

For more information, visit www.TexasATJ.org.

-Rambler staff report

2 March 26, 2008

College Life

The Rambler

Internet is key in modern-day relationships I

RACHEL HORTON

love your sleek designs, your qwerty attitude and your ability to make me laugh, cry and think. You can give me the world in 30 seconds or less at my fingertips; without you, life would be meaningless!

While certainly not found among Shakespeare’s sonnets, the above sentiment supposedly rings true for one in every four Americans and 31 percent of singles according to a poll released by 463 Communications and Zogby

International.

With that statistic in mind, imagine your classroom of approximately 20 students. At least five would say that the Internet could serve as a substitute for a significant other for some period of time. If your classes are composed of singles, then increase the odds.

Before you laugh, as I did, and wonder which idiots, nerds or Star Trek junkies would actually admit to replacing good ol’ human interaction with a computer, think for a second.

Ever been in a relationship that began online? With advertisements like “Every year, hundreds of thousands find love!” or “Get matched on 29 dimensions!” the draw to fit or belong acts as the magnet to our basic social instincts.

There was no surprise, then, when I discovered that U.S. residents managed to spend $469.5 million on online dating and personals in 2004 and more than $500 million in 2005, the second largest segment of “paid content” on the Web, according to a study conducted by the Online Publishers Association and comScore Networks.

Sites such as Facebook or MySpace place Internet social networking on steroids, especially in light of the 78 percent of college age individuals who have an account with one or the other.

Interestingly enough, however, many do not believe that the Internet plays a large role in who they are.

Only 14 percent of Americans say that the Internet is an important part of their identity. It’s OK then; Mr. Anderson can stop for a cup of coffee before running to save us the matrix of ones and zeroes.

Intelligent life does apparently exist on earth, and the Internet, while certainly addictive, is not the end of human

relationships as we know it. Editor of World on the Web Alisa Harris noted that “since togas were in style,” mankind has worried advances in technology would eventually destroy our ability to successfully build meaningful relationships.

Socrates decried the use of pen and paper for fear of memory ruination; your mother still wonders aloud if your brains are turning to mush in front of the television. Yet our social skills have survived despite radical changes in the manner and speed at which we communicate.

It could even be argued that mankind’s drive to network is the force behind the advances in communications technology.

In Business 2.0, Oma Malik reminds us that “instant messaging was an alien concept to most people 10 years ago, and MySpace didn’t exist in 2002. What’s stayed the same, as technology keeps improving,” he continues, “is that very human urge to connect in real time.”

So I unashamedly admit that I love the Internet. I like talking to people across the United States and keeping in touch with friends as we move about in our versatile little worlds. My infatuation, however, is nothing that a couple of walks on the beach and a real hand in mine will not cure.

Rachel Horton is a freshman political science major and is Web editor for The Rambler.

Faculty piano duo shoots for fifth success COLLEEN BURNIE ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR Courtesy of International Department

International Game Day 2008 arrives Take a break from school and join the activities April 2, when you can try fun, new games. The International Club is hosting International Games Day to provide an opportunity to learn the most popular games in Europe and Asia. Kubb, boule, five stones and floorball will take place for all to try. The games will be followed by a chance to watch the table tennis team practice for its defense of the national championship. *Kubb, boule and five stones 11a.m. to 1 p.m. on the mall in front of the library: Try your hand at the most popular game in Sweden. Easy to play, it is loved by the college-age students in Sweden as a way to relax and have fun. Kubb is similar to bowling but with sticks instead of balls. The idea is to knock down the king pin. It is a Swedish game dating back to the Vikings and has enjoyed a new popularity with people of all ages.

Five stones is a popular game in Asia, and students from Nepal and India will be happy to show you how to play it. Five stones is a traditional game that involves throwing a ball to knock over a stack of stones. No previous skill required, just good fun!

Boule (or petanque) is played throughout Europe with gusto in city parks. The French especially love this sport. It is similar to the game of horseshoes but with metal balls instead of horseshoes. The point is to throw the ball as close to the target as possible without getting knocked out of the way.

You will love this game. *Floorball 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. in the gymnasium: Join the floorball team and play this popular, fast-moving sport. Originating in Sweden but spreading rapidly throughout Europe, this sport combines elements from soccer and hockey but wasn’t designed as a contact sport.

The newly formed Texas Wesleyan team invites you to join the fun and learn floorball. *Table tennis championship practice 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. in the gymnasium: Stay and watch Texas Wesleyan’s national champion table tennis team practice to defend its title the next week.

This is a rare opportunity to see some of the best players in the country play.

For more information about this International Games Day, contact Betsy Johnson, Director of International Programs at (817) 531-4965.

German international student Toby Rachau trys his stuff at Kubb at last year’s International Game Day.

-- Staff report

Dr. John Fisher, professor of music theory and piano, and Dr. Bruce McDonald, assistant professor of philosophy and religion, are coming together again this week for their fifth annual collaborative piano recital. The program, which is drawn completely from the 20th century, will display a wide array of musical styles and themes.

Fisher will open the program with Alban Berg’s Sonate. It was Berg’s opus one and recalls the feeling of Wagner’s Tristan and Isolde.

“It’s in the old world fashion of going from one climax to the next, to the next until you reach exhaustion while foreshadowing the 20th century atonal dissonant techniques that would come later,” said Fisher. “It is somewhere in the twilight between Wagner and Schoenberg.”

Fisher said that while the very volatile piece has its dissonance, it also has beautiful lyrical moments.

McDonald will follow with Sonata No. 3 in A Minor by Sergei Prokofiev, a Russian composer who is known to many children as the writer of Peter and the Wolf, a basic introduction to the Symphony set to a story.

“The piece is one I played for my senior recital,” said McDonald who received his first degree in music. “But it’s still in my fingers and memory for the most part.”

Although only one movement, the piece is divided into four parts creating the feel of a mini-symphony.

According to McDonald, Prokofiev died the same day as Stalin and was somewhat forgotten in the mix. During his life he tried to react and rebel against the lushness of Romantics like Tchaikovsky, but was able to get completely away from it.

“He’s not my favorite of the Russians,” said McDonald, “but he has moments of brilliance and he is a strong consistent composer.”

After a short pause, the two will come back on stage to perform Francis Poulenc’s Sonata together on the two twin ivorykeyed Baldwin SD-10 pianos that were donated to the music department in 2005.

The concert will close with Aaron Copland’s El Salon Mexico which was arranged by Copeland’s good friend Leonard Bernstein, composer of the famous West Side Story.

“From a performance view the piece is very fulfilling,” said Fisher, who also mentioned that the work is a tribute to an actual cantina in Mexico that Copeland visited.

“It has driving rhythms and deliciously wrong rhythms all together,” said Fisher.

“There are times when there are just two independent players. It becomes quite chaotic, but also has beautiful lyric moments.”

The piece, which challenges the players, has a hint of humor and tongue-incheek personality.

“You’re just counting away like a mad man and praying that your partner is as well,” said Fisher.

The concert marks five that the two have collaborated on.

“I’m very fond of John Fisher,” said McDonald. “We approach music the same way and the music that I know he is less familiar with, and vise versa, so we both bring something to the table.”

“We are both on equal footing with skills, background and interest,” said Fisher.

“We each picked two pieces, and it makes for a balanced collaborative effort.”

Although the music is more modern, McDonald assures concert-goers the music is pre-atonal and accessible.

“We wanted to play music that was approachable, and nothing that would sound like a toothache,” said McDonald. “We like taking lesser-known music and making it known to those who are interested.”

The music promises to offer an evening of dissonance, lyric melodies, unpredictable turns and a collaborative effort.

“Those who overlook classical music are missing out on a lot,” said McDonald.

“It is our hope that we perform in a way that makes people want to dig for more.”

The recital is at 7:30 p.m. March 27 in Martin Hall. Admission is free and open to the public. Refreshments will follow.

The Rambler Founded in 1917 as The Handout Harold G. Jeffcoat, Publisher Kelli Lamers, adviser Tiara Nugent, managing/college life editor Colleen Burnie, entertainment editor

Shawn R Poling, editor-in-chief Bryce Wilks, sports editor Skyla Claxton, advertising manager

Member of the Texas Intercollegiate Press Association.

Opinions expressed in The Rambler are those of the individual author only and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Texas Wesleyan community as a whole.

Letters to the editor: The Rambler, a weekly publication, welcomes all letters.

All submissions must have a full printed name, phone number and signature; however, confidentiality will be granted if requested.

While every consideration is made to publish letters, publication is limited by time and space.

The editors reserve the right to edit all submissions for space, grammar, clarity and style.

Letters to the editor may be subject to response from editors and students on the opinions page.

"We are not afraid to follow the truth...wherever it may lead." -Thomas Jefferson Address all correspondence to: Texas Wesleyan University, The Rambler, 1201 Wesleyan St., Fort Worth, TX 76105.

Newsroom: 531-7552 Advertising: 531-7582 Fax: 531-4878 E-mail: twurambler@yahoo.com

This edition of The Rambler is to be taken in jest as it is April Fool’s!

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The Lambler

The students’ voice since 1917

Fort Worth, Texas

April Fool’s 2008

NEWS BRIEFS Got Skateball?

The United States’ first ever national skateball championships will be held April 29 in the Sid Richardson Gymnasium.

The Wesleyan Lambs will face off against Texas Christian University and Arkansas State University, the only other two universities to have heard of the game. The first match begins at 7 a.m. Team members must bring their own skateboard.

President’s Food Forum University President Hal Jeffcoat wants your opinions about food. Not food on campus, just food in general. What is your favorite restaurant, soft drink or color of sprinkles?

Make your voice heard!

The forum will take place at 2 a.m. April 28 in Dora’s Residential Restaurant.

Getting loose no longer permitted in the ARC TIPSY GONE STAFF WRITER

Walking in Texas Wesleyan University’s Academic Resource Center (the ARC), students were well aware of the privilege they had. While getting free tutoring in math and writing from phenomenal student tutors and help finding employment, TWU students could also enjoy a tall one. Until recently, students could drink any alcohol they brought along with them.

This privilege, however, is no longer available in the ARC. Alcohol was once allowed in this area of the library when it was a meeting area, but the facilities department recently reviewed the campus alcohol policy to add the Baker Martin Pavilion to the list of permissible places for alcohol.

It was at this time that it was discovered that the east room of the library had not been removed from the list when it was converted to the ARC. ARC officials were also finding that students were coming to the ARC to have a drink rather than get the academic help they needed.

“Parties were so loud that it was disturbing everyone in the library,” said Glynn Mathis, director of the ARC. From 2003 to 2007, the number of students using the ARC tripled from 400 to 1,200.

Mathis said they began to fear it was because of the alcohol rather than the academic and career services.

Although the ARC saw a high volume of students coming through its doors, average student grades across the Wesleyan campus in math and English courses were not good. Instead of overall student performance in the areas of math and English increasing, a major decline in performance was detected in these areas.

“Findings indicate that alcohol relaxes people; therefore, it was difficult for the tutors to force-feed the students with the information they needed in math and writing when alcohol was consumed,” said Mathis. TWU English and math department faculty brought performance figures to the attention of ARC officials.

Math and English teachers complained about the ARC’s wet status, say-

A Legend Returns!

For one day only, campus legend and honorary voice instructor Britney Spears returns to Wesleyan for a very special voice workshop.

Attendees (music majors only) will master the “super-sexy hyperventilation” technique, learn 32 ways to sing the phrase “oh, baby” and receive a limited edition Britney pacifier. Beer and cigarettes provided.

First Official Meeting The first meeting of Wesleyan’s home chapter of the United Association of Student Procrastinators is coming! We will decide on a time, date and place later.

HOT JOBS @ Career Services - Wal-Mart, bagger - Polytechnic Cemetary, caretaker - New Orleans Nights, “waitress” - TWU, Britney teaching assistant - Taco Casa, taco crisper

Courtesy of Google Images

ing that it was hurting the students rather than benefiting them.

“When alcohol was allowed in the ARC, my students were averaging 20s on exams,” said Dr. Jane Moore, head of Wesleyan’s math department.

Instead of seeing an increase in the number of A’s and B’s in the classroom, TWU math and writing professors saw a major rise in the amount of D’s and

See ARC, page 2

Wesleyan mascot stolen, Lilly Lamb replacment BABA BLACK

Musical Auditions!

Theater professors Connie Whitt-Lambert and Joe Brown are now auditioning for the 2008 fall musical, a live production of Once More, With Feeling, the classic musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Be prepared to sing either The Mustard or Bunnies as well as do a jig.

Vol. 100, No. 7 3/4

other organizations with a logo flaunting a ram must alter their insignia.

STAFF WRITER Wesleyan’s ram logo dates back to 1930s with The vote for a new Wesleyan logo came to a the school’s name changed from Texas Womens’ vote before the board of trustees last week after College to Texas Wesleyan University.

Chrysler LLC filed a patent on behalf of Vice President its Dodge automobile line for its long- “We are hopeful that the Schooner Wiliams said standing horned-ram logo. Wesleyan’s new mascot will be a hit the school is sorry to part logo will now be a lamb. with the old-time with students and that they “We want our Dodge Rams to not will wear the lamb with Wesleyan icon, but that only stand apart from every other vehicle pride.” the change will be as out there on the road, but also to hold an minimal as possible. unique symbol, one that all will recog“We feel the transi– Schooner Williams nize for greatness,” said Dodge tion will be easiest on Vice President spokesman Dale Goat. “It will be a symstudents and faculty bol of the Dodge ruggedness, endurance and qual- alike if the new icon resembles the ram but is difity.” ferent enough to appease Dodge.”

Chrysler filed for a patent last fall. The patent The new logo, a fluffy white lamb, was chowas granted this February and, as of April 1st, all sen as the most similar option. The fair sheep will

signify the purity of Wesleyan education.

“Instead of fighting with intimidation, Wesleyan will now be fighting with prayer and supplication,” said Williams.

The athletic department is hesitant about the switch.

“We are a bit worried about being taken seriously by our opponents, but we will fight through,” said Martin Fields, director of athletics.

The change is beginning to be evident on campus. The campus newspaper is being renamed The Lambler, and new spirit apparel and accessories will be available in the bookstore in upcoming weeks.

“We’re hopeful that the new mascot will be a hit with students and that they will wear the lamb with pride,” said Williams.

The mascot will be named Lilly.“It’s a nice transition from Willy,” said Williams.

Bell discovers child cartoon cause of cancer NOHABLA ESPANOL STAFF WRITER

Monnica Wingate, a Wesleyan senior, is very upset.

Every morning before heading out the door, she treats her daughter to an episode of Dora the Explorer. But not anymore. Starting March 22, episodes of Dora were pulled from television line-ups, DVDs of the program disappeared from shelves, and piñatas bearing her bright smile were nowhere to be found at the neighborhood Carnival grocery store.

“All because of one of my own professors. This is absolutely disgusting,” said Wingate.

Wingate refers to Dr. Amy Bell, professor of Spanish. Bell met with the educational show’s creators and producers March 21. Within minutes of the meeting’s dismissal, news of the show’s fate had spread across the nation.

Nickelodeon and Dora co-creator Chris Gifford have not yet released a statement explaining the hasty decision, but said that they “had no choice” and that Bell would address the topic at an upcoming presentation she will give at New York University April 1.

Although the subject seems to be of a top-secret nature, Bell was kind enough to speak exclusively with The Rambler.

“It’s just too terrible to imagine, the things she does to you.

People won’t want to believe it, but the proof is all there,” said Bell.

Bell, an avid fan of foreign languages, wanted to determine to what degree language-themed children’s programs aided in learning a second language. She started up the program in the fall of 2007 as collaboration between the foreign language and psychology departments.

Thirty Fort Worth elementary school students signed up for the program, which had participants take a Spanish class and watch an hour of Dora the Explorer a day.

“Everything was going fine. We were collecting significant amounts of data, getting close to discovering an answer,” said Bell.

But the original experiment was never completed. A week before the end date, all the participants came down ill. Doctors assumed the children had passed around a cold.

Soon enough it was clear the reality was far more serious.

Friends of Bell from Cook’s Children’s Hospital admitted the children for tests and discovered that all the children had developed brain cancer.

“I made my niece watch an episode the next day. It was her first time. Within minutes the cancer was there. By the half hour mark, it was unstoppable.

We put together a report, got on a plane and met with the producers the next day,” said Bell.

Now that Dora’s reign is suddenly over, at least for now, Gifford is hopeful that Bell’s claims will be proven wrong.

“Dora belongs on the air. Without it, the Spanish language has no hope of survival, and I have car payments,” said Gifford.

Bell doubts Dora will return to the air or store shelves.

“We know for a fact that cancer growth begins after three minutes of viewing, then takes over the brain within an hour. The piñatas work instantly. If Spanish has to die so our children can grow up, good riddance,” said Bell.

Bell looks forward to her NYU presentation but also has her sights even farther in the future.

“After Dora’s gone once and for all, we’re taking on big tobacco next,” Bell said.

4 March 26, 2008

The Rambler

DINOSAUR FOUND ON CAMPUS! ACORN SPIELBERG GOSSIP EDITOR

Demolition crews were greatly surprised March 21.

Three demolition trucks were lined on Wesleyan Street, the crews working to demolish campus building the Boyd House to make way for Wesleyan’s first night club (a total of three themed night clubs are planned).

Work was halted immediately after workers claimed to have discovered something underneath the Boyd House.

According to campus officials, art professor Kit Hall was called to the scene immediately.

“They sounded panicked, screaming about eggs or something. When I got there, it looked like an egg statue was buried in the ground,” said Hall.

Soon after, physics professor Bobby Deaton was summoned to help exhume the item.

“Nobody knew what it was. Kit kept her fingers crossed for something valuable as I dug it up,” said Deaton.

The excavation lasted hours into the night, finally revealing what looked like an egg, about the size of a basketball. Hall made some calls to local museums and art experts, all of which expressed interest.

“I was just about to schedule an appraisal with the Smithsonian when it started moving. I thought it was about to start rolling down the street,” said Hall.

Instead of rolling, the egg started cracking, and within minutes a dinosaur hatched from inside. Most of the crowd ran away immediately, but Deaton was seen standing still in shock.

“I must be insane. That’s what I told myself. I had a triceratops standing right in front of me,” said Deaton.

Hall had already contacted authorities and had retrieved animal tranquilizers from the nurse’s office. In a desperate attempt to save Deaton’s life, she aimed for the triceratops and

fired. Unfortunately, she hit Deaton instead.

“My butt still hurts,” said Deaton.

Hall feared for the worst when Deaton crashed to the ground, especially when the triceratops started closing in.

“I just screamed and screamed, trying to scare it away. I thought it was about to bite him when it just flopped down next to him instead,” said Hall.

By the time Hall reached Deaton, both he and the

dinosaur were asleep. The authorities arrived soon after, but weren’t sure how to proceed. News crews flooded campus to gaze upon the historic site: man and dinosaur in harmony.

When Deaton awoke, so did the dinosaur.

“I would have been scared had it not been purring,” said Deaton. “I had to get home to my Dr. Bobby Deaton, professor of fiancé, so I jumped in the car. Luckily, the physics, and fiance (left) look on little dude followed me home.” as Barney grazes their spacious The triceratops, now known to Deaton backyard. Below, Deaton’s as Barney, was still under Deaton’s care as nephew poses with Barney, of March 24. The Fort Worth Zoo and the which is now the family’s National Wildlife association have filed a favorite pet. l a w s u i t a g a i n s t D e a t o n , claiming he is unqualified to care for the creature.

Deaton disagrees. He has been feeding Barney canned Alpo, local greens and fresh spring water.

According to him, Barney is looking better than ever.

“He’s a big dog, and he likes it here.

Even more, I was the first thing it saw. That means I’m its mother. If that Google Images

Martians spotted landing on Martin field PLUTO DIAZ STAFF WRITER

The Fort Worth UFO-spotting club recently released a report that not only have there been UFOs spotted over Wesleyan’s Martin Field, but the Martians have landed.

“We could not be more ecstatic about this meeting,” said Ima Freak, president of the club and certified ufologist. “We currently have each one of them fostered out in our homes and are trying to keep them safe from probing science.”

According to the club’s spokesman John Smith, the first sighting took place more than a year ago, and sightings have become more and more frequent as the time has gone on.

“We believe that they were scoping out the perfect place to land and live,” said Smith.

“The residents of Fort Worth may not be able to see the value of Lancaster in this area, but our intergalactic neighbors saw past the run down look and picked this place to make their homes.”

The landing apparently took place during spring break and was late at night.

The news of the landings has just begun to spread around the nation and is causing uproar in the religious community as Scientologists fight to see the aliens that could be related to the Evil Lord Xenu and call for their execution.

According to E!News, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have taken their daughter Suri into hiding and are leading the campaign against the alien invasion.

Wesleyan administration commented that while the story seemed to be something out of a science fiction novel, the press that it was bringing Wesleyan was a positive effect.

“We’re not sure what to make of all of this,” said John Phenom, Wesleyan’s strange happenings expert. “We do know what we want everyone safe and we are glad that the field was mostly unharmed during the landing.”

No one has offered any explanation about the whereabouts of the spaceships, and the Fort Worth UFO spotting club isn’t volunteering any information.

The soccer players seem to be strangely affected while on the field during practices and games.

“My legs sometimes feel like someone has taken over them,” said Jock Star. “Whatever

ARC, from page 1 F’s.

ARC leaders said they once believed that the open policy would motivate students to relax and not be intimidated to come to the ARC to get help in academics when needed. With more students coming to get help, ARC officials believed student performance in the areas of math and English would skyrocket.

Alcohol’s depressant characteristics, such as slowed brain activity, impaired judgment and disruption of recent experiences being processed in long-term memory during the moments of consumption, depicted otherwise.

Holding up to their motto “keeping you afloat in the academic seas,” the ARC wants students to be aware that requesting for tutoring should not be labeled with a feeling of inferiority. With alcohol consumption no longer tolerated on its premises, the ARC still looks forward to helping the many students of Wesleyan with academics whenever needed.

Wesleyan’s Academic Resource Center was the only place on campus and among all colleges in the nation where students could get tipsy on Bacardi, Hypnotic, Colt 45s and other campus favorites while getting academic help. Now the ARC is looking for other incentives to ensure TWU students that the ARC should be one of their top stops for academic assistance in Math and Writing.

Sources said they’ve considered promotions like Ladies Night or bikini contests to drum up interest.

it is, we haven’t lost a game since the landings, so it’s alright by me.”

Winning streak or no winning streak, the government has threatened to shut the area down for investigation but is currently hung up at the regional level due to red tape.

“It’s crazy. They already have the field blacked out on Google Earth,” said James Johnson, sophomore science major.

The future of Martin Field and the extra-terrestrial visitors is currently uncertain, but what is for sure is that Lancaster and Wesleyan will never be the same.

Courtesy of Will Smith

The Fort Worth UFO spotting club has its sites fixed on Wesleyan’s Martin Field, a hot spot for UFO sightings and intergallactic parties.

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Upcoming Events March 26 *2 p.m. JV Baseball vs.

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Paul Quinn March 29 Noon Baseball @ Paul Quinn March 30 Noon Softball @ Bacone 3 p.m. Baseball @ LSUAlexandria March 31 1 p.m. Softball @ Langston *3 p.m. Baseball vs.

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LSU-Shreveport April 2 5 p.m. Softball @ Texas Woman’s 2 p.m. JV Baseball @ Richland College *denotes home game

March 26, 2008 5

Wesleyan president followed his father to a career in baseball, now reflects on a lifetime of memories kicking leg. Schools like Florida, Florida State and Alabama wanted me to kick for them,” he said.

SPORTS EDITOR Jeffcoat decided to take the baseball route when the San Francisco Giants drafted him with their 72nd overall pick in 1965 when he was just In the Grapefruit League in Florida and Cactus League in Arizona, 17 years old. baseball action is underway, and there are sure to be many great moments “I promised my dad that I would get my college degree by taking throughout the season. classes in the off-season. He was supportive and helped me invest the America’s pastime hosts great memories each and every season, and money from my first contact wisely.” for many years, Texas Wesleyan President Dr. Harold When he went off to his first spring training, it wasn’t long Jeffcoat was involved with professional baseball. before he started crossing paths with many historic baseball Jeffcoat hails from a lineage of baseball tradition. His figures. uncle George Jeffcoat played for Brooklyn in the 1930s, “One season in the Giants organization, my roommate was and his father, Hal Jeffcoat, enjoyed success in the pro an outfielder named Bobby Bonds. He had a young kid ranks as well. named Barry (now the all-time home run leader) at the time, He first became a hero during World War II with the and I used to help look after him.”

517th Parachute Regimental Combat Team. He sustained Jeffcoat witnessed another legend at a young age when he serious injuries, and was the lone survivor in his regiment was playing down the road in Arlington. after an attack in France.

“There was a team called the Dallas-Fort Worth Spurs that After recovering, he met an American woman who was played at Turnpike Stadium, where the Rangers ballpark is also serving in the armed forces in Naples, Italy. They fell located now. My team was playing there one day, and there in love and got married in 1945. Their first child, Harold, was born in 1947.

Photos courtesy of google images was this kid running around and chasing balls. The manager for their team was Cal Ripken Sr., and the kid was his son, The senior Jeffcoat got his first break in professional Before his career in higher Cal Ripken Jr.” baseball in 1946 with the Nashville Vols of the Southern education, President Harold The young Ripken went on to become a hall-of-fame playAssociation.

Jeffcoat enjoyed 10 years of er and is recognized as the greatest “Iron Man” in baseball At the time, the Vols were associated with the Chicago professional baseball. He played seven years in the history.

Cubs, and after a great season, Hal’s contract was purGiants organziation and three Although Jeffcoat had many productive seasons in the chased by the Cubs in 1948 for $40,000. minors, a big league call-up always managed to evade him.

“Dad could run like a deer and was a great defensive with the Cardinals.

“San Francisco was the wrong place to be as a young pitcher. They had outfielder and good hitter at that level. $40,000 was a lot of money at that an outstanding rotation led by Juan Marichal, and it was nearly impossible time for a player,” Jeffcoat said. to break in,” Jeffcoat said.

The senior Jeffcoat established himself with the club, and when young “I could have just as easily tried to Jeffcoat was old enough, he experienced one of Jeffcoat wasn’t the first advance playing second base and hitting, but the greatest jobs a boy could ask for. Starting in in his family to achieve they were paying me to pitch. The problem 1952, he was a clubhouse helper at historic baseball success. His was I didn’t quite throw hard enough or Wrigley Field while his father was out on the uncle George pitched throw a sharp enough breaking ball to be a field. for Brooklyn in the big league pitcher. I had to get people out “I polished cleats and did other jobs with 1930’s and his father with my control and determination.” clubhouse manager Yosh Kawano. I grew up with Hal played outfield and Jeffcoat walked away from baseball in great players like Ernie Banks and got to go up in pitcher for the Cubs, 1975 after a stint with the Cardinals. He said the media box and enjoy hot dogs and lemonade Reds and Cardinals. he has many great memories and few regrets with Jack Brickhouse.” (Brickhouse was a baseJeffcoat enjoyed many about his career. ball announcer during that time). thrills during his childhood as a clubhouse “One of the toughest things to do in life As the father’s career went on, he was strughelper at Wrigley Field. is to accept your own faults. Once I did that I gling to consistently hit major league pitching, was able to overcome them and have a good but the team loved his arm. To prolong his career, career. I had fun and used baseball to pay he changed positions when the team tried him out for my education, which carried me through as a pitcher. In his first appearance, he had to trot Photos courtesy of google images life once I was done with baseball.” to the mound in the middle of the game straight Life after baseball has been successful from the outfield. for Jeffcoat. He and his wife have three kids The move proved to be beneficial, and Jeffcoat’s father continued his and two grandchildren. Professionally, career as a pitcher for the Cubs, Cincinnati Reds and St. Louis Cardinals.

Jeffcoat has been involved in higher educaThe junior Jeffcoat continued to help in the club house at Crosley Field tion with several universities. in Cincinnati and Sportsman’s Park in St. Louis.

“Once my career was over, I got very After each baseball season, the Jeffcoat family retreated to Tampa, serious about academics, and it has paid off Fla., for the school year. Raised in sports, the young Jeffcoat eventually for me. My career in baseball was great, and became a highly-touted football and baseball prospect coming out of I am part of a closely knitted group that has high school. a spot in the history of the game.”

“I was a pretty good quarterback, but my best skill in football was my

BRYCE WILKS

Too much madness Loss in Kansas City ends productive season for Wesleyan basketball team

Photo courtesy of athletic office

Hopes for a national tournament run came to an end March 8 with a 73-71 loss to McKendree University.

2008 National Honors: No. 7 in field goal defense No. 7 in scoring defense No. 10 in total rebounds No. 11 in offensive rebounds

2008 Conference Honors: No. 1 in total defense No. 1 in scoring defense No. 1 in rebounding First ever conference championship

Wesleyan awards table champs match with Hazinski. Hazinski played well in the preliminaries, but was not ready for the exceptional blocking and counter attack of Owens. Despite In spite of savage Texas weather (light snow- early leads in several games, Hazinski was unable fall) earlier in the week that led to closing business- to mount a consistent successful attack, winning es, schools and the airport, the Four Star Texas only the fourth game. The veteran Owens conWesleyan University Open began in bright sun- trolled the match winning 9, 10, 8,-8, 6. shine March 8. From across the nation, 131 players The final showdown began with Lupulesku assembled for competition and the chance to win starting a bit tight. Owens, continuing his excellent more than $12,000 in play, forced both of cash prizes and equipthe first two games to ment. deuce, only to lose in Despite some specthe tie breakers. In the tacular play in the third game, Round Robins and Lupulesku, appearing early cross-over matchmore relaxed, brought es, by the Semi-Finals on a blistering crowdonly the top four seeds rousing attack to win remained.

Ilija the Open Lupulesku faced Shu Championship in Sara Fu in the first straight games: 10, S e m i - F i n a l .

12, 4, 7.

Sophomore athletic For his win, Photo by Mike Lin Lupulesku won the training major Mark Hazinski would face off Ilija Lupulesku (left) emerged from the field to claim $2,000 top prize with with TWU alumnus victory in his event at the Four Star Texas Wesleyan Owens taking the Eric Owens in the other. Open March 8. Lupulesku walked away with a $2,000 $1,000 second place. prize.

Lupulesku looked relaxed against Fu who, Top three events nonetheless, used her skill to take advantage of results (Open Singles, U-2400 rating and Under every opportunity allowed her by Lupulesku. The 18 years old): match featured consistent high-level, crowd-pleas- Open Singles: First: Ilija Lupulesku, Second: Eric ing play with Lupulesku winning in straight games: Owens, Third/fourth: Mark Hazinski, Shu Sara Fu 9, 9, 9, 9.

U-2450: First: Timothy Wang, Second: Carlos Owens completed two close matches with Chiu, Third/fourth: Shu Sara Fu, Nigel Webb Nigel Webb and junior international business major Under 18: First: Timothy Wang, Second: Chance Carlos Chiu and was primed for the Semi-Final Friend, Third/fourth: Judy Wang, Andrew He Chen

DAVID LIVINGS CONTRIBUTING WRITER

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