Food Issue (Spring '14)

Page 1


Dear Organ Farms, I hope you’ve been enjoying the special diet I’ve been feeding you recently. I prefer my meat grass fed, but my breeders assure me that the harvest will be rich and marbled this year, so eat up. Yes, my juicy little friends, College Green is, indeed, people. That’s how it stays perennially fertile. And why it’s called “College” – a little joke between me and the army of Swedes that mulches the lawn every fortnight. College Green is also, of course, money. Hence the “Green.”

Volume LXXXIX

Spring 2014

Which brings me to my next point. Sharing is caring, kids, and while you may savor my words at the low low price of $499 a minute, future generations won’t be so fortunate. So in addition to the arrangement already in place – I still expect that kidney by the end of the month, Karen – consider making a donation to your alma mater. My salary is projected to triple in the next fiscal year, and this endowment isn’t going to enlarge itself, despite the exhilarating messages that Big Jerome at N4TUR4L-ENH4NCEMENTS.COM keeps sending me.

Issue Four

In the meantime, thank God for that weekend in Punta Cana. As long as the tapes are mine, John Legend keeps the gravy train coming and that one steamy night stays between us, my butler, and the horse man from the Old Spice© commercials.

Editorial Staff Out of the Frying Pan: And into the Fire: Monica Schechter ‘14 Hayley Brooks Justin Starr ‘14 Emily Leven Naomi Mae Shavin Julia Hurley ‘14 Royal Food Taster: Nikhil Menezes ‘15 Executive Chefs: Andres Gonzalez Kira Simon Jonathan Calles Meaghan Harding Myles Wolfe

‘15 ‘15 ‘16 ‘16 ‘16

want to see your name on this page? come to our meetings! Info can be found at thepunchbowl.net

Yum, We’re

Conor Nickel Jamie Picano

Big Spoons:

Daniela Bucay Suvadip Choudhury Miguel Davila Laura Doherty Tarek Elsayed Daniel Gelfarb Daniel Gillis Rob Golden Hamza Qaiser Connor Ryan Theo Trampe Ben Behrend Adam Cole Noah Goldman Kishan Patel

Little Spoons:

Gloria Huangpu Katie Sgarro

Hey SAC, remember us? We’re the Punch Bowl, your favorite campus humor magazine/pagan cult religion! We’d like to take this opportunity to give you a better idea of how your money is spent/burned when you feel generous enough to grace us with a few Benjamins. So, let’s take a look what goes on “under the cover” at our weekly meetings/invocations. We start each meeting with a brief word from the editors/solemn incantation. Then, we open a Google doc and go around the room pitching ideas for

‘14 ‘14 ‘14 ‘14 ‘14 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘15 ‘16 ‘16 ‘16 ‘16 ‘15 ‘15

Little Spoons (cont.)

Sam Anthony Zac Endter Anirudh Singh Matt Solowey Jaimie Zhang Bart Buurman Iman Charania Michael Coyne Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie Chris Haddad Chris Hatler Luke Hoban Ben Jiang Camille Jwo Matthew Kelemen Max Levy Leora Mincer Tiffany Pham Caitlyn Rand Rachel Rubin Jeffrey Silver Ariel Smith Sheida Takmil Miranda van Dijk James Wang

‘16 ‘16 ‘16 ‘16 ‘16 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17 ‘17

pieces/sacrifices to the great god of fire, Zooliking. This exercise really gets the better concepts/ animalistic shrieks going and leads to everyone helping to build a magazine framework/bonfire. Finally, we wrap things up by asking/mandating that people throw in any final comments/sinful spouses onto the Google doc/fiery blaze. To summarize, SAC, your money goes a long way in fueling our awesome collaborative process/ritual offerings. Feel free to stop by our gatherings anytime!

Copyright Punch Bowl 2014. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living, dead, or living-dead, is purely coincidental.

As we wrap up this year and you embark on your own exotic adventures, sexual awakenings, or soul crushing Goldman internships, I offer a few parting words to each and every one of you. To my feisty freshmen, simmer down. I know you’ve been raging face for the last eight months, but although the gyrating mass of underage revelry was endearing at first, now you’re closer to a gyrating mass of Jabba the Hutt – fat, cranky, and disturbingly sexual. It’s time to give the new kids a turn and spend the next two years desperately atoning for your current D average. To the sophomores, cheer up. Or don’t – it doesn’t get better, at least not anytime soon. Jet off to Europe or be doomed to solitude next year. And, of course, the juniors. Our only hope. You’ve suffered thus far but soon, you will be kings. Or, more realistically, only one or two rungs below the absolute bottom limit of my interest. Congratulations! To the seniors, don’t panic. A few minor adjustments are all you need to get by in the big, bad world. First, all those fun nights you’ve been cramming in with your college besties? It’s called alcoholism now, and no one’s impressed. Second, that life changing Russian Lit class you took sophomore spring? Nobody cares, so stop talking about it. Seriously. Third, have a trust fund. This is the most important thing, so don’t forget. And last, but certainly not least: for my valued faculty, administrators and staff, a lesson from history. They say the pharaohs coated their slaves in honey to draw the flies away from themselves. I say that the pharaohs were wise men, so get cracking. Cherish the mems, Amy “Mother of Dragons” Gutmann

Amy Gut mann

WWW.THEPUNCHBOWL.NET

3


BYO REVIEW

We sent our resident epicurean to review a local BYO restaurant in an attempt to expand our brand into food critiques. Don’t expect any pearls of wisdom, interpreting the incoherent writing on used napkins probably obscured the few rational observations that were actually made. First Impressions: The maitrê d finally seated us after 20 minutes of waiting. Quite in line with my expectations, this BYO place had terrible management. The waitstaff was apologetic, however, and rushed our appetizers. I’m trying to keep an open mind about this place. Let’s see how I feel after we start the Sunset Blush. Appetizers: I’m not going to lie, this bread is delicious. Very fresh, delicate, warm. I ordered the primavera flatbread, topped with arugula, fresh goat cheese, sundried tomato, roasted pine nuts and a light pesto for appetizers. My Sunset Blush complements it well and...we’re out of bread? Waiter! Bread is like THE MOST IMPORTANT. WE NEED THE BREAD. Main Course: This is great, this place is great. I love our waiter Jimmy, even if he made me spill that wine on my new shirt. At least it was near the end of the third bottle, and Becky brought another. I can’t taste anything. But I can taste everything! The steak was soooooo good! I love steak. This one time, I made a steak, which was pretty cool. Do you ever wish you could cook? Like, really cook? Or maybe bake a cake? A STEAK CAKE. A CAKE MADE OF STEAK. Dessert: Whooooooooooo! I’m so fine, I’m really fine, I swear I’m really ok. Oh yeah, the dessert. I had the third one. The third one on the list looked good, it was something in Italian. Or maybe that was Spanish? I don’t know language. I think it was like pink maybe? It was gooood! 5 STARS FOR EVERYONE!

What to Expect When You’re Expecting a Food Baby

Congratulations, you’re expecting! It’s hard to imagine today how your whole life is about to change just from a few bad decisions and a few too many appetizers! Our bodies are wondrous, all you need is a flour tortilla, a handful of cheese, a gallon of guacamole, and a pound of pork, and suddenly you have this amazing, fragile, football-sized food bolus just squelching around inside of you for the next one to six hours. It’s a truly universal human condition: every person you see walking around was once nearly smothered to death in the womb when his or her mother was pregnant with a food baby. It may seem difficult to believe, but you really are pregnant with a food baby so it’s important to treat your body at this delicate time with the utmost care and attention. It is prudent to spend some time off your feet and drink several cool glasses of water throughout the day. You may also notice your restroom habits changing, so be sure to remain aware of your body as it undergoes this period of great transition! Feelings of nausea and regret are normal. Additionally, you will notice some swelling in your abdominal area. Don’t be 4

concerned! It’s simply the result of your organs stretching to accommodate the pounds of saturated fat from which your system is still reeling. Though it took mere moments to form the baby, the effects of your gluttony will stick with you for the next twenty years, so be sure to talk to your partner and make the necessary preparations. And finally, congratulations and get ready to welcome your little bundle of joy in the restroom sometime within the next several hours!

THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL

Take a shot every time someone asks a question that’s just an obvious reformulation of a prior question

Start chugging when the person in front of you opens Facebook. Keep drinking until they switch to Gmail

Have a sip for every five seconds of awkward silence after a professor’s question. Finish your drink if the professor answers their own question

Take a shot every time someone audibly lowers their volume on their Mac

Drink whenever someone connects the topic to a personal anecdote no one cares about or talks about how the text makes him or her “feel”

Take a shot for any weirdly sustained eye contact with a stranger in class. If with a professor, take two

Have a sip whenever you have absolutely no idea what the professor is talking about

Drink every time someone squeezes in past you late and accidently gives you a sweaty lap dance

Take a shot for every forced laugh at a professor’s joke

Finish your drink if that kid in the back who never speaks raises his hand

Take a shot every time someone prefaces their question by saying they actually have multiple questions

Drink whenever you can tell a professor is struggling to find an intelligent answer to a completely incoherent or misinformed question

Drink anytime your Comp. Lit. Professor mentions constructs, binaries, structuralism, post-structuralism, Franzia, modernism, post-modernism, Nietzsche, Marx, paninis, Freud, Derrida, bean bags, Lacan, or edible underwear

Drink every time you see someone Facebook stalking someone you know

If someone looks up the answer to a professor’s question online and then raises their hand, throw your drink in their face

Drink every time the teacher uses a Greek symbol whose function is unclear

Take a shot every time a professor refuses to call on the person who has been answering every question

Drink every time a Math professor asks if there are any questions while erasing everything he wrote on the chalkboard

Drink every time a Wharton professor makes an allusion to how he or she became incredibly wealthy

Finish your drink and walk out of the classroom whenever the professor says “this will not be on the midterm”

WWW.THEPUNCHBOWL.NET

5


New and Improved Kitchen Gadgets

Ever look at your kitchen and wonder when everything went wrong? Well, after decades of research we at the Punch Bowl have come out with a new line of products that will have you wondering how you ever got along without them! Buy while stocks last!

The Four Pronged Food Piercer™

Impress your friends! Wow your enemies! With the unstoppable power to pierce fruit and other comestibles!

The Kumquat Peeler™

Sure, we have peeler for cucumbers, lemons, bananas, salt, skin, but what about kumquats? May this discrimination come crashing down with the fury of a freshly baked kumquat pie with The Kumquat Peeler™! Soon the days of peeling kumquats with your hands will be but a distant memory of an indecent past.

Hydroxihydrate™

Tired of drinking your own piss? Me too! Hydroxihydrate™ is the cutting edge in clear, flavorless, and odorless (I know!) hydration! Fermented in the depths of an Alpine sewer, this liquid necessity will have you forgetting that stupid urine in no time!

A Transcript of a Special Unaired Chopped Episode Ted Allen, reporting live from the Chopped Kitchen.

Ted Allen: The challenge: create an unforgettable meal from these baskets of ingredients before time runs out. We join our contestants in the midst of the entrée round. Today we are watching a head to head battle of two award winning Iron Chefs, José Garces facing off against Bobby Flay in what is sure to be a heated competition as each tries to avoid the burning criticism of our judges. Completing our Philadelphia theme, we have University of Pennsylvania junior, Gordy Jimmers, just literally trying to avoid burns. [Whispered to producers]: Who is this kid? We listed “Chopped Contestant” on PennLink? Does he know that this isn’t The Apprentice? Bobby Flay: I’m not worried. I know Garces’ style from our time in Kitchen Stadium, and Jimmers is just a college kid who calls a microwave a kitchen. I know I’ll win. Although the Gummi Bears did throw me for a loop in the appetizer basket. How’d that kid know to use them to infuse vodka and make a sweet candy flavored aperitif? Genius. TA: Fifteen minutes on the timer in our entrée round. Jimmers impressed our

6

judges with his plating in the first round, balancing his ingredients delicately one on the other leaving most of the plate clean and simple. Gordy Jimmers: So if you stack the food on top of itself there’s less surface area on the plate you need to wash later. Makes it easy to just run it under water and then it’s clean enough to put back on the shelf. I came up with that method when my roommates wouldn’t quit leaving me passive-aggressive post-its. TA: Our entrée basket - ramen noodles, peanut butter, Chipotle burrito bowl aged two days, and spicy ranch - seems to be grating on Garces. His fatal flaw: adding the Oriental flavor packet to his boiling ramen. Our esteemed judges, Amanda Freitag and Geoffrey Zakarian, seem to be wincing at the very thought of combining these ingredients. José Garces: Old mexican food? How do they expect me to show my technique and sophisticated flavor palette when they give me brown guacamole? GJ: So I went straight for the side tortilla from the Chipotle bowl that Flay and Garces overlooked. Everyone knows that once you reheat Chipotle you totally throw off the balance of tempera-

tures and flavors. So I’m just going to fry the shit out of this tortilla and make crispy wontons to put on top of ramen covered in spicy peanut buttery ranch. Done. And I still have time to finish my 100 pages of reading and go to Pottruck Quizzo at Blarn. TA: Welcome back to the Chopped Kitchen where Iron Chef José Garces’ repurposed burrito bowl and noodle mixture with spicy ranch butter sauce just wasn’t sharp enough to cut through our judge’s criticisms. Geoffrey Zakarian: Garces suffered from quite a few technical stumbles along the way today. Semi-French cuisine beurre blanc on top of half cooked Mexican mush? It just left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. TA: Just moments ago our remaining contests, Flay and Jimmers, opened their dessert baskets to reveal an apple stolen from 1920 Commons, a fried oreo, and a green apple flavored Smirnoff Ice. It seems as though upon seeing the Ice, Jimmers immediately took to one knee and chugged the whole bottle. Stay tuned to see who will be our Chopped champion, and who will be on the chopping block.

THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL

The Egg Dispenser™

Going to the store can be a royal pain. Avoid those long lines and noisy Persians and pick up our newest creation, The Egg Dispenser™! Like clockwork, it ejects fresh eggs for your consumption and enjoyment! No batteries or wires necessary! Just feed it, pluck it, care for it, clean it, make sure it’s not lonely, massage it every few days, give it some friends, and enjoy!

The Capillary Action Machine™

Watch cohesion AND adhesion at work with this wondrous utensil! It allows the uptake of liquid through its cylindrical walls and will soon have the whole town chirping!

The Warm-Maker™

Ever find yourself crouched over a freshly killed deer carcass and wonder “What do I do now?” Think no further, The Warm-Maker™ is here to help! Install the warm-maker and your freshly caught game and herbs will soon acquire the warmth necessary to facilitate the next step of human digestive evolution!

WWW.THEPUNCHBOWL.NET

The Gravity-Resistant Hemisphere™

Are you sick of picking up your shapeless mass of pasta only to have it spill on your lap, making you look quite the fool? Tired of eating dry cereal because you lack a proper vessel to contain milk? Well, we are proud to introduce The Gravity-Resistant Hemisphere™, a miracle of modern science! Utilizing patented technology that takes advantage of the fact that matter has volume, our scientists have discovered a way to endow the traditional “plate” with curvature. This revolutionary hemisphere is guaranteed to tame any unruly meal and will surely be a salty conversation starter at your next dinner party!

7


8

Your Favorite Books:

Now Tastier!

THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL

WWW.THEPUNCHBOWL.NET

9


Open Letters from Campus Restaurants Dear Penn Students,

Yelp Reviews of Pledging

A long-forgotten cuisine, Pledging appears to be coming back in vogue among tank-wearing gourmets everywhere. Read on and figure out which beer-scented, ratio-following establishment is right for you! West Philly Basement: aaaab The custom snake-vodka of West Philly Basement is reportedly adapted from a traditional Vietnamese recipe that enhances the drinker’s virility and allows one’s skin to reflect bullets. After drinking a fifth and assaulting a group of police officers, I found that the beverage did not protect against tasing or strikes from blunt weapons. Chapter House: abbbb The meal started out as soon as I entered the Chapter House restaurant. As soon as I sat down, the waitstaff brought us seemingly endless refreshments. Although the Natural Light was lukewarm, the pace at which they expected me to drink masked the slightly undesirable temperature. The main course, a series of progressively hotter raw peppers, was very one-dimensional, really only hitting spicy notes. Finally, after the scorching diarrhea I endured for days after my meal, I would pass on this restaurant every time.

one to tell you that eliminating sight from the eating process truly enhances the flavor of the food. We were each handed what felt like a shot glass, and told to take the shot on the count of 3. All suspicions were confirmed when we felt the centipede slide down our throats. A fascinating dish! All the following courses, raw rat meat, onion juice, and a Hemo’s sandwich without any sauce, were served in the same fashion. I’m not exactly sure what happened during my meal, but I kinda liked it...

The Golden Fish: aaaab The goldfish of the Golden Fish are raised on a diet of corn flakes, whiskey, and human piss. When eaten raw by themselves or in sushi form, they explode in the mouth with a particularly earthy rush that defies what one typically expects from raw domestic fish. The real advantage of these goldfish over, say, the species I ground up and snorted at the Dumb Freshman (one of my favorite pubs!) lies in the their mellow finish. The effect of the aftertaste after the initial rush of flavor makes one Pledges’ Cage: aaabb think, “Holding this down won’t even be a problem-- I Pledges’ Cage is one of the most interesting restaurants only wish it didn’t look so much like my old fish Janice, at which I’ve dined. When we got there, my waiter came who provided me friendship throughout much of the out of nowhere and blindfolded my friends and I! What 8th grade.” an innovative restaurant concept! Let me be the first 10

THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL

Why don’t you ever come see me? Is it my mediocre food options? Is it the two week old salads I have on display? Is it the awkward window where everyone can see you sitting by yourself eating a pile of wilted leaves? And I promise I am not a drug front! I have other locations throughout the city, all of which are somewhat visited by people sometimes, even out-oftowners in 30th Street Station. Would you come if I got rid of the recovering heroin addicts that hang outside (I can’t say how, but I can take care of it). What if I added some fancy-sounding ingredient like kale or candied pecans? Never mind, that goes against everything I stand for as a restaurant. This isn’t some fancy place you take your parents or potential little. This is a place you go when nothing else is open on spring break and you haven’t eaten a vegetable in a week. I know I don’t use locally sourced ingredients, or even fresh ingredients to be honest, but dammit, I am a decent restaurant that provides affordable healthy food! I am on my knees, begging you, please stop by and eat some salad. I’ll even throw in a free hair net. In Love and Desperation, Saladworks ---Penn Students, I haven’t been seeing as many of you around since HubBub opened. What’s up with that? I sell worldrenowned coffee that is fancy enough that it has its own sizes! Is this a corporate boycott type of thing? You want that local, independent shit? Well let me remind you of something: we take Dining Dollars. Never forget that. We even take bursar! But you know what’s worse? I’m sick of you kids just coming and sitting

down and not ordering anything. You just sit there, in front of the TVs, or at the big tables in your groups, and you even have the audacity to bring in coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts! I get it, their coffee is cheap and delicious, but have some manners. I have feelings you know! Just because I take Dining Dollars doesn’t mean you don’t have to use them! Come spend your “fake money” with me, and I promise I will give you a sugary drink that doesn’t even taste like coffee any more, or maybe a slightly stale pastry. Doesn’t that sound great? I miss you. See you soon? Xoxo, Starbucks Under Commons ---Hola estudiantes, It’s been so long since I’ve seen you; I almost forget what you look like. Not that you visited much in the first place, unless Chipotle was closed (or out of chicken, what was the deal with that?). I know you all love Chipotle so much, and those of you too cool for Chipotle love Honest Tom’s Tacos, but I’m trying really hard over here. I’ve got whole wheat options for the health-conscious, I’ve got a fancy new soda machine, and I really don’t care if your friend brings food from Chipotle because you just couldn’t agree. Will you give me another chance, maybe some time when you’re really hungry and in a rush? I’m perfect for that. Plus I’m way closer to the Ben and Jerry’s store than Chipotle or Honest Tom’s. Aside from the mild indigestion, I won’t let you down! Muchos gracias, Qdoba

Read all new daily content online at

thepunchbowl.net WWW.THEPUNCHBOWL.NET

11


Fad Diets

Let’s face it, diets aren’t just about depriving yourself of your favorite foods, they’re about depriving yourself of your favorite lifestyle choices. For all you health-conscious people out there, we have researched the most popular diets from the past so you can decide which one you want to go on! The Paleo This was the hottest diet 2.6 million years ago, and involved eating fruits and veggies, nuts and insects, and raw meats. You really get the full benefit of this diet by using stone tools to prepare food in your cave, not showering, and living a nomadic lifestyle! The American Revolution The Colonial diet is like a liquid cleanse plus patriotism. Start the day off right with a big cup of ale, have a cup of tea for lunch, and a cup of Tory blood for dinner. Don’t forget to smoke tobacco throughout the day!

The Victorian A favorite among women, this classic diet consists of eating whatever you want as long as you wear a corset.

A surprisingly delicious diet, the Oregon Trail consists of eating corn meal, bacon, dried fruit (fiber!), rice and beans. While these foods do help you lose weight, the most efficient weight loss comes from having dysentery!

The Dust Bowl Did you ever notice how skinny everyone looks in photos from the Dust Bowl? Well, that’s because they sprinkled all their food with dust so nobody wanted to eat it! Follow that rule, and you will look just as skinny after a few weeks (and don’t forget that tumbleweed garnish)!

The World War II Just like in WWII, you will be assigned rations of sugar, coffee, butter, and cheese. This will help you cut out fatty foods and remind you why America is the greatest nation in the world.

12

The Oregon Trail

The Industrial Revolution The Industrial Revolution changed how the world produced goods, and the way we diet! For this diet, your meals should consist of steam, coal, and the oppression of the masses.

The Whole Brain Hugely popular during the zombie apocalypse, this diet consists of walking around for eternity with your arms held up, and occasionally eating someone’s entire brain. All that walking around with your arms raised will do wonders for your biceps! THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL

Penn Food Critic: Cannibal Edition The anonymous cannibal on staff, annoyed that College Green is in fact, not people, decided to review popular campus restaurants based on their clientele. Baby Blue’s BBQ My mouth began to water as I saw the freshly prepared meal on my plate. I could just imagine the finger-licking goodness I was about to consume. A tender piece of meat smothered in an exotic red sauce served with a side of liver. A perfectly balanced meal. Abner’s Cheesesteaks At first I was surprised by the grease on the floor. And on the tables, the walls, and the windows. No amount of napkins could cover up the amount of guilt and shame from the high-calorie meal I just had. Did all that grease come from my meal? Not surprising, since the meat had certainly been marinated for hours with 4loko and marijuana by 2 in the morning.

sweetgreen A perfect spot for anyone watching their weight. The food is light, and often maintains a low sense of selfesteem throughout the cooking process. The selection is limited; I am all for kosher, but I would like a male gentile on the side at least! This place will leave you feeling fulfilled, fresh, and ready for the day. Federal Donuts I didn’t know where to begin! I started with the tender calves - a pair even larger than my own. The thigh, although underwhelming, led perfectly to the belly. The meal was so fresh I can just imagine it screaming 30 minutes ago!

What Your Favorite Restaurant Says about You College is all about getting in touch with your identity and expressing yourself through your choices. There are many things that define us: our values, morals, character, whether or not we’ve once had a Lil Wayne song as our ringtone. But probably the most telling feature of any Penn student is which restaurant he/she frequents. Chipotle: You’re the average Penn student. You care about school but also care about your body. Chipotle is basically your overbearing Jewish mother. Hey, we wouldn’t be surprised if your overbearing Jewish mother actually wore a disguise and was the one serving you at Chipotle. That way, she wouldn’t have to ask you “have you eaten today?” HipCityVeg: You eat here because you think you’re doing something good for the environment. Let’s face it: you’re probably a wannabe hipster and you’ve definitely said something along the lines of “their banana whip is a swell substitute for unhealthy desserts” all the while singing “Endless Love” to a mirage of Ben and Jerry’s in the distance. You also have no issue with the fact that HipCityVeg’s fake meat is more real than the dining hall’s real meat. Right on, man. Pod: Eating at Pod means you’re a wholesome, talented youngster…with a trust fund and daddy’s credit card! Maybe the weather sucks outside and you’re too lazy to cook. But, the only reason you’re getting delivery from Pod is because you feel entitled to superior sushi and eating from an Asian fusion restaurant makes you more cultured and cosmopolitan. Saxby’s: If you’re ordering breakfast from Saxby’s, you’re most likely an antisocial curmudgeon who hates people in general. Capogiro is too bougie and Starbucks is too sceney. With Saxby’s, you can enjoy fairly priced breakfast items in private without having to say hello to people you drunkenly met at a party. Harvest: You probably don’t go to Penn. No one at Penn actually eats at Harvest. Penn students just refer to it as “that restaurant next to the movie theater.” Harvest is for WASPy families that wear pastel sweaters and eat eggs benedict.

WWW.THEPUNCHBOWL.NET

13


Alternative Meal Plans Penn’s meal plan options aren’t too great. It’s either too many dining swipes or too little dining dollars and the perfect balance can never be made. To fix that, we came up with some suggestions for the Penn administration about possible new options for meal plans. Here they are: The Hunter Gatherer Meal Plan This meal plan is for the real Neanderthal in you. Instead of getting nice meals on clean plates, this meal plan allows you to scavenge food for yourself! It’ll teach you how to persevere, hunt, crawl, exercise, use your hands, and acquire all other skills that you need for college. The meal plan only costs $50 per semester, and allows you to eat any food that has been dropped on the floors of dining halls (insects and other animals included). The Closing Starbucks Meal Plan Sick of all those hearty meals of chicken breast and pizza pies? This meal plan allows you to take home all of the pastries that Starbucks plans to throw out at the end of the day. With options like a lemon loaf that (literally) falls apart in your hands or a rather erotic-looking cake ball, this meal plan is hard to pass up. Plus, you can take Starbucks cups with you so you can look cool and rich in front of all of your friends. This meal plan only costs $150 per semester, and includes a free jazz CD from the Starbucks counter. The Vending Machine Meal Plan There’s nothing quite like a bag of Chex Mix or a cinnamon bun that’s about 5,000 more calories than you actually need. This meal plan allows you to swipe your Penncard to get any food you want from any vending machine across campus. This meal plan is ideal for the snacker who likes eating three bags of chips in a row only to still be hungry and have a minor stomach ache. This meal plan is only $200 per semester and is sure to never fill you up! The Inception Meal Plan This meal plan within a meal plan is different in that it does not offer one type of specific meal plan but rather lets you choose from different meal plans to form a combination of your most preferred meal plan for any price that the sum of those different segments of the different meal plans would normally make you pay to be on this meal plan. However, you can’t just pick one meal plan because that would defeat the purpose of the Inception meal plan and will immediately disqualify you from obtaining any meal plan that’s on the regular Penn meal plan list or on this list that offers new, unique meal plans. If you choose a meal plan that you don’t like then you can switch with the person next to you, but only if he or she also doesn’t like their meal plan and would like to switch to the meal plan that they bought last year. The Roommate’s Food Meal Plan Cooking your own food is really hard. Buying your own food is really hard too. That’s why we think another perfect meal plan would be one where you can just eat all of your roommate’s food. His mom sends him too much food anyway, so why not take your fair share? After all, sharing is caring if you consider stealing as sharing. This meal plan only costs $250 per semester and gives you unlimited access to any food that belongs to your roommate. Warning: your roommate might start sending you passive aggressive notes such as “stop touching my food” and “if you eat my Wawa sub one more time I WILL END YOU.” But feel free to ignore these! Just don’t eat his special 85% Cocoa Lindt chocolate bar. He might actually axe murder you if you touch that one.

14

THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL

WWW.THEPUNCHBOWL.NET

15