est 1843 vol c l x v i, issu e 1, 1 Dec em ber 2 0 0 9
e di t or i a l Trinity’s Gay Elite: Everything they don’t want you to know p2
news Friends made during Freshers’ Week will do until Freshman finds new, better friends p4 ***** Girl who put on weight over the summer optimistically joins Trinity sports clubs p5 ***** Cute guy that you totally connected with at Traffic Light Ball can’t remember your name p6 ***** Maths Soc in sexist policy rap p8 ***** Cajun chicken in deliciously tasty rap p9 ***** Latest research from Trinity School of Physics posits link between more funding for Physics research, Provost’s children being returned to him unharmed p10 ***** Provost approves funding for trip to Las Vegas on “official Provost business” p10
op i n ion The Low-Carbon Industrial Complex: friend of the Earth, enemy of freedom p12 ***** I say ‘No’ to drugs, but they won’t listen p15
lifestyle Insanity... And 10 more defences for your upcoming rape trial p17 ***** Are you a kept woman? Or a victim of domestic abuse? Take our quiz and find out p18 ***** Ejaculating in her hair... And 3 more ways of pleasing your woman in bed p18 © The Piranha, 2009. All Rights Reserved.
a p ol i t ic a l , l i t er a ry & gen er a l n e w s - pa per
Provost claims Trinity needs more students with big brains THE PROVOST, John Hegarty, has reaffirmed his determination to make Trinity College one of the foremost academic institutions in the world. He claims that the key to success is to attract highly intelligent students to the university. “We need brains. Big, juicy brains,” argued Dr. Hegarty. When pushed for exact details of the scheme, the Provost would not deviate from his central message. Student Union President Conán O’Broin welcomed the news and described it as “a step forward for students”. “Bring me the biggest brains,” moaned the Provost, to rapturous applause from spectators. Sources say plans are in development to realise these new targets. “Brainnnnss!” added the Provost.
The Provost formally announces the new policy. He exhibited paleness, which aides attributed to “illness”.
Ents Officer stays at home, only as fun as regular person FAITH IN the Student Union Ents Officer was shaken to the core last night when it emerged that self-described ‘mad lad’ Mick Birmingham (21) recently spent an evening at home working on his model aeroplanes and watching downloaded episodes of Gray’s Anatomy. Further revelations rapidly followed, with inside sources on the ‘Ents Crew’ telling The Piranha that Mr Birmingham’s secret hobbies include, but may not be limited to: not drinking, browsing science-fiction themed internet forums and reading. Mick Birmingham, who can often be seen walking around campus with his trousers at an extremely low level to indicate how hip and easy-going he is, ran his election campaign on a platform of being “so much more fun than those other
Artist’s Interpretation of what the real Mick Birmingham may look like.
lame douchebags”. In his campaign literature, Mr Birmingham (who is well known for cocking his hat at an unorthodox and anti-authoritarian angle, even wearing it indoors) claimed that “one night I got so drunk that I threw up on the Provost, and he chased me through the underground catacombs of Trinity”. Recent events have placed some doubt on the truth of these accounts.
“If Mick isn’t partying to physically dangerous levels, I would question his ability to lead the partyingest ents crew around,” BESS student Gavin Cunningham told The Piranha. “I definitely feel like Mick misled students during the election. I mean, I want my Ents Officer to wake up every morning, unable to account for or even remember his actions from the previous night,” said Senior Sophister Eleanor McGuire, “Maybe Mick isn’t qualified to manage such an important aspect of our student community”. “He should definitely resign,” she added. When asked for comment, Mr Birmingham paused from graphically describing a recent sexual conquest to a large group of Ents minions. “Dude, I was planning a prank – to show the Provost that he can’t
put me on double-secret probation and get away with it,” he declared, in a tone of voice clearly implying that he lives his life to the maximum. Pushed for further details of the plan, Mr Birmingham would only say “Well, it involves model aeroplanes, amateur surgery and the Provost’s cat”. “But don’t worry, dude. I won’t never stop partying, even if they gets the pigs in on me,” he added, before exposing his genitals publicly to affirm his image as a free spirit who plays by nobody’s rules but his own. When contacted for comment by The Piranha, Students’ Union President Cónán Ó’Broin replied “This is an automatic delivery status notification. Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently”.