Panther Prints | Satirical Issue | March 2012

The Potbellied Pig P rints Cool Stories, Bro.

Volume VII. Edition 27.

March 40, 2024

118th Annual Edition

DeMore: M astermind Behind Facebook Group Pinewood Memes OWEN LEWIS DEBUTING IN TITANIC 3D In the wake of the mysterious and captivating Facebook page “Pinewood Memes,” a wave of anonymity rolled through the student body of Pinewood School, leaving fans of the fabled page asking a single, resounding question: Who was behind it?

For those who aren’t familiar with memes, a meme is a generally well-known picture with a caption sandwiching the picture in large white font, intended for humor.

In a shocking turn of events, Pinewood’s own Spanish instructor Carmen DeMore came out of the shadows and revealed herself as the creator of Pinewood Memes.

“I felt like this was my chance to connect with the youth…I always feel so left out with all my students making their inside jokes in class, this was my chance to show how I’m not just a ‘mas practica’ based individual. I’m really just a rebellious soul at heart,” DeMore said.

And “connect” she did; the public page racked up over 300 likes in a single week and was filled with hilarious posts from Pinewood students (especially those of junior Nate Bell, who received nothing but praise for his many memes).

Yet the creator of the page remained anonymous and seemingly toyed with the

Pinewood Spanish teacher Carmen DeMore finally reveals herself as the unlikely creator of Facebook group, Pinewood Memes, leaving Pinewood students and faculty perplexed about her true identity.

Photo taken by Natasha Khan.

followers of the page by posting witty comments and laugh out loud funny memes without revealing a name. So when it was finally revealed that DeMore was behind it all, students had mixed reactions: “Uhm looks like I have a new favorite teacher,” sophomore Courtney Copriviza said.

“Yeah, I basically knew it was Senora the whole time, I just didn’t want to tell people,” Junior Grayson Burdon added.

Others, such as Junior Jack Hochberg, were more frightened. “This is scary! The fact that such an online mastermind is on

the loose, let alone a teacher who successfully manipulated us, is downright scary.

We need to step up our game, students, before it’s too late,” Hochberg said.

The announcement was perhaps foreseeable, considering the poster had such an intellectual and satirical tone. How could we not have guessed that it was DeMore?

Yet still we remained oblivious. In fact, several frauds attempted to take credit for Pinewood Memes, such as Junior Joshua Rose. However, this scenario was deemed impossible due to the strictly contrasting

levels of cunning wit.

Probably the most impressive feat DeMore pulled off was the ruthless, three way, online war between students of Sacred Heart Prep, Woodside Priory, and Pinewood, in which explicit, biting insults and stinging humor were tossed back and forth like bullets.

Of course DeMore (who fronted Pinewood’s side of the battle) kept a level head and emerged victorious (especially considering that the argument centered around basketball, in which Pinewood swept both teams). Her knack of languages gave her an edge in spewing out burns to the rival teams, as she engaged in witty banter.

“Dios Mio! Sacred Heart es ridiculo! I’m so glad I got the chance to oppose them!”

DeMore said as she relished her victory.

So who really is DeMore? Is she the seemingly innocent and loveable teacher we students perceive her as? Or the techsavvy computer whiz, who, unbeknownst to us, seeped into our after-school lives and left her mark. Or perhaps she is the unstoppable hybrid of both? We may never know.

Yet, at the end of our interview before kicking open the door and barging out of the room, I asked if she had any last thoughts. She paused, turned around, lowered her Gucci sunglasses and said, “I’m just getting started.”

English Teacher R ob Mor - ASB Bribes Students to Attend Pinewood Dances rill SARAH Joins Hippie Comm une LAWSON their education around farming, agriculture, and the Earth. “We’re really looking forward to having neighbors, or roommates, who have the same ideNotoriously known for his Tupperware and dou- als as us and put the Earth first. I think it will be a ble-sided printing, Pinewood English Teacher Rob- smooth transition for my family,” Morrill said. ert Morrill has decided to move into a commune, Although the commute will be significantly lonbelieving that a simpler, greener life is better. In the ger, Morrill will continue to teach at Pinewood. The commune, Morrill, his wife, and their kids will be commune issues each family living there a horseresponsible for the cloth making and weaving duty. drawn carriage for transportation, hoping to reduce “Weaving really relieves stress,” Morrill said. the Earth’s gas emissions. “The horse-drawn carAlong with his weaving duty, Morrill will be re- riage is a huge benefit. My Scion has awful gas sponsible for keeping the farm tenders in shape via mileage,” Morrill said. core work so they can produce a higher crop yield.

Hoping for a greater connection with the Earth, “It all starts at the core. The farmers, they really Morrill has a made a pact to grow out his hair and know how to plank,” Morrill said. facial hair and refrain from cutting them for at Morrill anleast one year. “I hope nounced to his flowing locks on male writing and litteachers is in accorerature classes dance with the Pinethat he would wood dress code,” be moving to a Morrill said. commune, which Morrill will be handwas followed by ing out pamphlets an invitation to at lunch in campus, come along with hoping to raise awarehim and tend to ness on a devastathis organic, freeing chicken tongue range chicken disease. “The poultry ranch.

“Shockrevolution starts with ingly, none of my you,” Morrill said. students wanted Pinewood Writing teacher Rob Morrill embarks on a new way “I’m not surprised of life in an environmentally-friendly, hippie commune. Photo by to join me on this Mr. Morrill joined Annie Whitacre. revitalizing jourthe commune; in fact, ney,” Morrill said.

I’m surprised he wasn’t already in one,” freshman “I really wanted to go to the commune with Mr. Juka Kim said.

Morrill and his family, but my parents wouldn’t let Morrill has sent a letter to the Pinewood adminme. I guess I’ll have to wait until I’m 18,” sopho- istration and faculty, suggesting that they join him more Natasha Khan said. in the commune. Teachers have shown interest, but The commune bans the use of portable electronic none have moved into the commune yet. “I’m seridevices, so Morrill had a tough decision to make. ously considering joining Rob, but first I have to “It was Siri or Mother Nature, and I chose Mother sell my truck so they don’t think I’m a polluter,” art Nature,” Morrill said. teacher Jared Leake said.

Living in a communal home in the outskirts of Morrill encourages anyone interested in living in San Francisco, Morrill hopes his family will ad- the commune to come and take a visit of the place. just quickly. After pulling his children out of their “One sight of the lifestyle, and you will fall in love,” current school, Morrill has decided to centralize Morrill said.

NOTORIOUS PROCRASTINATOR

SHANI ROSENTHAL LOVES HER SISTER ADI

The Associated Student Body has figured out a new way to convince students to attend school dances: bribery. ASB has promised students A’s in exchange for coming to dances. In fact, this new bribe has proved so successful that the Pinewood dances will now be held at a new venue, due to the theater being too small for the hundreds of students that will be attending.

“We have found this system to be extremely effective. We offer them an A on one test in any subject they choose for just coming to the dance. If they bring five other guests they get A on the rest of their homework for the semester.

The only way they can get promised an A in the whole class is if they dance the whole time,” Activities Director Jackee Bruno said.

The ASB started using this system ever since the disappointing head count at the last spirit event: the birthday party-themed dance in February. “We were brainstorming ways to try and get more people to come to dances and I just suggested this idea, and everybody seemed to love it,” Senior Evan Chan, ASB Activities officer, said.

Students of all grades were thrilled at the news that more people would be coming to dances and that their grades would improve at the same time. “I am excited to start seeing more people on the dance floors,” senior Woo Nguyen said.

This is seen as a a great way to redeem lower grades, especially among those concerned with academics. “I am so glad that they

started using this system. I really needed to bump up my math grade,” sophomore Dylan Dreyer, a student involved in the bribe, said.

So far, the ASB has raised every student’s grade point average in the high school. Once the ASB announced that they were going to make a deal with students who were willing to go to dances, everybody could not wait to sign up.

As soon as the offer was released on the morning announcements on March 1, 150 of the 200 high school students put their name down on a list of volunteers by the end of lunch that same day.

“I think this is a great idea. It encourages students to be school spirited and have fun at dances and at the same time they are taking initiative to raise their grades,” principal Mark Gardner said.

This bribe has been so successful that the attendance of school dances has more than quadrupled.

In fact, the amount of people that have agreed to come to the Pinewood dances has exceeded the legal capacity of the theater.

The ASB had to look for a new place that allowed them to host hundreds of students for a dance.

After hundreds of searches for a venue, it was decided that it would be cheaper, more efficient, and safer to build a new Pinewood dance center off campus.

This new event center was built in downtown Los Altos and will begin being used as soon as the speakers and lights are installed.

Although concerned about the shortage of chaperones to contain the bustling crowd, Pinewood is excited about this new facility.

Garrett’s World

The Time Has Come: Let Woo Down.

(A Letter to the Editor)

Dear Panther Prints:

I think the time has come to let Woo down from the balcony. He’s been hanging there for a good week now, and I think he’s learned his lesson.

Now I know that Ms. Scicinska has been telling him for months that she will hang him from the balcony if he doesn’t stop talking, and I know he didn’t listen. I’m even proud that she lived up to her promise. But have some sympathy; he’s been up there for ages. Here are the reasons as to why this punishment has become excessive: 1.

Certain Death: If Woo falls, he’s done. And I feel as if people have been taking advantage of this, by placing even more dangerous objects underneath him. First it was the spikes, and then the pit of vicious rattlesnakes. It’s funny, I won’t deny it. But the time has come to let him down and stop the teasing.

2.

His Hands Must Be Exhausted: He’s been hanging there non stop Poor Woo. Photo taken by Kevin Sweat. for a week, and most people are surprised he didn’t fall days ago. I guess he just has the will to live. The point is, he has learned his lesson and if he gets let down, he probably won’t ever act out in class again.

3.

We Already Miss the Dancing: People have begun to miss his sick break dancing moves already. Just last week, I was walking through the parking lot, and I saw students imitating his dance style. It was terrifying, and I may be emotionally scarred. Woo is already facing muscle damage, and will take some time to recover before he can dance fully, but it will be well worth it.

4.

He’s a Hazard for Passing Birds: EcoBeast is already filing complaints with Pinewood’s administration that birds are dying after hitting him. My first concern was Woo when I heard that they were flying into him. It turns out that the birds are the ones at danger and he is fine. I mean yes, he has a few beak marks on his legs, but is overall in good shape.

That said, the bird poop must be gross.

Please, if you are reading this article Pinewood Administration, let him down. It has gone too far.

-A Concerned Reader

This Article is the Most Groundbreaking Opinion of the 21st Century

During the recent debate over birth control insurance coverage, the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops defined religious freedom as their freedom from government.

The First Amendment does, of course, protect religions from government interference in rites and beliefs.

But the opposite is also true, and equally important.

The “establishment clause” also protects people from efforts by leaders of any church to impose their religious beliefs on the public.

A federal judge affirmed this second (but not secondary) meaning on Friday. US District Judge Richard

EDITORS IN CHIEF: Garrqett Biggs Max Darqrow NEWS EDITORS: Maqtti Thurston Emily Zhaqng ADVISOR: Kim Pretzel

Stearns ruled in ACLU of Massachusetts v.

Kathleen Sebelius et al. that the government cannot allow the Conference of C atholic Bishops to prohibit the use of federal money under its control for birth control counseling.

“To insist that the government respect the separation of church and state is not to discriminate against religion,” Judge Stearns wrote.

“Indeed it promotes a respect for religion by refusing to single out any creed for official favor at the expense of all others.”

The facts of the case: The Trafficking Victims Protection Act of 2000 allocated money

to combat “a contemporary manifestation of slavery whose victims are predominantly women and children.”

In November 2005, the Bush administration gave the CCB a contract

to administer the bulk of the money, and allowed it to stipulate that it would not permit any subcontractor to provide “referral for abortion services or contraceptive ma-

Pot Belly Pig Prints Staff

FEATURES EDITORS: Karalena Davqis Niunqiu Teo SPORTS EDITORS: Mqax Darrow Stephqen Yu

OP/ED EDITORS: Garrett Biqggs Tiffany Chqen

ASSISTANT EDITOR: Roqbin Sanders PHOTO EDITOR: Lindqsay Riches

STAFF WRITERS: Ben Broqwn Saqm Carp Rorie Duqncan Keqvin Endersby Victoria Gaqrdiner Andrew Gerqson Alqex Hasnain Annqie Kong Sarah Lawqson

Owqen Lewis Austin Liaqng Raquel Peqrez Camqille Polster Shaqni Rosenthal Kelly Ryqan Briqttany Schulte Etelle Stephqan Syqdni Topper Karina Upqpal

terials.” That is, it permitted a religious organization to decide how to disburse (or not disburse) federal funds, muddling dogma with policy.

The American Civil LibPHOTOGRAPHERS: Faqiz & Naqtasha Khan Amqrith Deepak Visqhal Jindal Emily Nqg David Roqdden Anqnie Whitacre WEB OVERLORD: Alex Banqning

Blahblahblah 3

Why

Snooki BRITTANY SCHULTE FUTURE GUIDETTE

Let me start out by saying, I am absolutely, legitimately serious when I say that Snooki is my idol. She is smart, talented, and downright hilarious. Even though the tabloids and media make her out to be this crazy, dumb party girl, there is more than meets the eye when it comes to this pint-sized guidette.

Trust me when I say that Snooki is actually quite the smart cookie.

As a country, we shine a glowing light upon her; she represents the glorious idea that anyone can achieve fame and fortune by doing absolutely nothing. Isn’t that the real dream?

Why work your butt off in school and stress over a real job when you can just party the night away while being on T.V.?

Snooki’s living the life, and let’s face it; we all secretly want her life. While everyone else sits and complains about their boring, stressful lives, Snooki gets to live it up!

During the day, her only job is to maintain her glowing, deep, carrot-orange tan and her slim physique, while at night she gets to dance the night away. Now doesn’t that just sound splendid?

I would also like to get it out there that Snooki is not stupid.

It is just that society simply does not understand her! Her decisions are in fact carefully calculated, made to make her seem funny and fabulous to the rest of us. Indeed, we have all been duped by Snooki’s intelligence.

When Snooki is not drunk, which is 99% of the time, of course, she is actually a person of true substance. She is a caring, genuine person who looks out for her friends. She not only has a big heart, but a big brain.

She’s even written her own book, and writing a book is

Hero

Is My

Cartoon by David Rodden.

practically equivalent to getting an A in AP World History.

Only people with great minds have the concentration and dedication to write an entire book.

As you may have heard already, Snooki is having a baby! I cannot tell you how excited I am for her to be a mother.

Not only will she be a caring, loving parent, she will also be the most responsible, low-key parent around. Sounds ridiculous? No. Think about it.

Snooki is going to be the mother we all wish we had.

She is fun, laid-back, and won’t yell at her child if one day she comes home drunk in the middle of the night. She will be the absolute antithesis of an Asian tiger mother.

And perhaps she will even get a reality show, “Snooki and Pregnant,” resembling the popular show “16 and Pregnant.”

Everyone knows that reality shows are the key to successful families and relationships. That type of fame and success solidifies the basis of the happy American family.

All you haters out there will stand in awe at her classiness and beauty during her motherhood.

Our society today is just too uptight to understand the greatness of people like Snooki. Politicians, lawyers, and all the other boring people out there should be a little more like Snooki: relaxed, kind, and always down for a good time.

Living a Snooki-inspired lifestyle could cause depression and stress rates in the U.S. to plummet, and people in general would be more carefree and happy, like Snooki herself.

Snooki has truly outsmarted us all; instead of sitting at a boring desk job all day, she gets paid millions of dollars to party.

And for this, I applaud her.

No More Clubs! RON VICTORIA GARDINER SECRETLY STRAIGHT SANTORUM SUPPORTER As I’m sure everyone knows, Pinewood has recently been plagued by an outburst of the terrible scourge of student unity. That’s right, everyone, I’m talking about social diversity. As a result, our very own Pinewood adminstration has decided to ban all social clubs on campus.

Folks, this is dangerous stuff we’re stepping into.

Clubs are springing up left, right, and center, each and every one of them potential virus, festering, waiting for its chance to spread horrible calamity among the student body.

The administration has reacted effectively. It has been said by great men that the sharpest knife affects the speediest remedy. To ensure the purity and unity of the Pinewood student body they have eliminated all social clubs and stopped this cancer.

God forbid that a bunch of intelligent teenagers have different opinions!

But really, we do have a limited student body.

If we continue to allow this infectious spread of fractionalization in our students, soon there might have been all-out war between Eco Beast and the Rock Club!

“With such a small student body, we have to be extra careful to ensure that we aren’t overly fractionalized and divided,” Principal Mark Gardner said.

I agree entirely. This onslaught of clubs has threatened the peaceful community of Pinewood I mean, it’s not like students factionalize over things anyway. It’s not like all the basketball players coordinate clothing almost once a week. Or that the AP kids in each grade spend all their time together. Or that all the liberal activists on campus somehow find themselves coalescing in the biology room twice a month. Not at all.

At any given time on our Pinewood campus, students are evenly distributed over every square foot of property, each a student of a different age,

belief, and political affiliation. This school has no cliques whatsoever.

There is no room for other opinions in this tiny high school of 200! So I say to you, whippersnappers and troublemakers preaching acceptance and tolerance and other such unacceptable messages, put down your signs and posters and stop taking up so much class time with endless club meeting announcements.

If your cause is truly that important to you, you can always unofficially meet at lunch. I mean, that’s not going to make you feel like we don’t really want your presence on campus, is it.

No, of course not! You shouldn’t be ashamed of [insert cause/ ethnicity/ religion/ political affiliation/ social movement/non academic extracurricular interest/ 90% of academic extracurricular interests here], not even being recognized or supported by the administration no matter how important you may happen to think it is. We just can’t afford to acknowledge it, because we’re preparing our students for the real world.

Yes, that’s right, our Pinewood students will be prepared for the real world out there; where everyone is in complete and utter consensus all the time.

Just look at how quickly we have resolved issues over abortion and gay rights in perfect agreement.

Really, why do you need half these clubs when there are no “multiple points of interests” in the real world? That’s just silly.

And if some different points of view happened to arise, all we have to do is ignore them, no harm no foul. Congress of our Holy Government managed to table the issue of slavery for some 50 years; it won’t be hard for us.

With the accepting and diverse environment Pinewood already is, I don’t see why so many students are whining about their need to “express” or “make people aware” of their specific crusade.

Everyone’s a special snowflake but at Pinewood, we just all happen to be the same one. Anyone who thinks otherwise…why would there be anyone?

Photo not by Pinewood GSA.

PAUL WILL WIN the primary.

TIFFANY CHEN RON PAUL 2012 I have faith. I have faith in Ron Paul. I have faith in the Republican electorate. Ron Paul will win the Republican primary.

The primary season is not yet over.

He hasn’t yet won a state, but that won’t stop him. There are still 21 states left, and so many delegates left to delegate.

College students will come through for him. After all, refined marijuana smokers are some of the most dependable voters out there.

Paul’s simply been biding his time.

His time will come. The widespread media coverage he’s been getting, especially from Fox News, his greatest supporter that has never forgotten him in its coverage of the primaries. While Republican voters certainly don’t only get their news from Fox News, its slight influence will surely help him. His message of a tiny government—tinier even that that espoused by fellow candidates Romney, Santorum, and Gingrich—will resonate with Republican voters, who always fervently champion their hatred of government interference through their stances on gay marriage and abortion. Choose freedom!

Paul’s refusal to cater to voters will win him admiration of true Republican voters—who would never appreciate fake southern accents, cheesy grits, or repeated squawky renditions of “America the Beautiful.” Paul is consistent of so many fronts! Just as his opposition of abortion complements his belief in government non-intervention, his advocating free trade meshes well with his voting against free trade agreements.

Moreover, his ingenious stance on the economy, the hot topic of today, will certainly gain him followers as well.

They will see the wisdom of reinstating the gold standard, which will free the government to do absolutely nothing during financial crises. No point in government, anyways, not when the Invisible Hand always works perfectly and produces wonderfully stable business cycles with shiny bubbles and glorious busts. Why have government control in the economy? Everyone loves roller-coaster economies. Such fun, with the dips and the hills and the loopthe-loops.

Paul has the common touch. He even quit being a doctor to try and fit in with the common man, a sure sign of his connection to common people. And on a typical Saturday night, he does what everyone else does. He reads one of his textbooks on Austrian economics. Ron Paul’s non-elitism will elicit a huge amount of votes from true Republican voters who search for the President they can have a beer with. They can have a beer with this one. He’ll always be down for one.

If nothing else, Paul’s eloquence will for sure bring home the votes. His debate and campaign appearances are permeated by short, direct, non-rambling sentences that always stay on topic. The message he gets across is clear: small government, except in certain cases.

This flows quite well with the Republican mainstream’s ideas, so there is no reason why people will not start voting for him. He has the clearest message, the best organized campaign, and most importantly, the most fervent beliefs.

Ron Paul will win. He will restore America now. We need that.

Photo from http://virginiaconservative.files.wordpress.com.

Feeeetchurs 3.14159

Panther God Attacks Pinewoodian Tribe This is a developing story. Updates will appear on the Pinewoodian Twitter page under #peacockpanthers.

However, updates will not necessarily appear in a very timely manner due to the fact that the Head of Pinewoodian Publicity must trek two moons and three rivers before arriving at the temple that is hooked up with Wi-Fi. Thus, perhaps it would be more effective to talk to the old oak spirit in the forest--she’ll let you know.

GNU2 sENIOR WILDEBEEST On Tuesday, the eleventeenth of Ianuarius, the Pinewood clan living deep in the unexplored depths of Los Altos Hills found itself under attack by the very beast the villagers (often called Pinewoodians, due to their relation to the Native Americans) have worshipped for over half a century.

There were two maimings and one fatality--a brutal hit for the clan and its already dwindling numbers. First suffering through a drought and now attacked by their icon, the villagers have decided to worship a different god, considering perhaps the Peacock god instead, finding their own god to have not only deserted them but sent a messenger to wreak such havoc among the people.

Although others have been considered in the past, such as the Platypus god of diversity, or the Pig god of abundance, Pinewoodians seem set on the Peacock god of looking good, knowing their fortes.

They believe the Peacock to have more sympathy for them than the others, for obvious reasons.

However, no official announcement has been made yet, as the head shamans of the tribe are debating whether the change would incite more anger from the Panther.

Left: Pinewoodians flee in terror. The Panther god’s messenger was moving so fast that, as you can see, many Pinewoodians only reacted after it had already passed (hence many seem to be looking the wrong way).

Photo by Niharika Advani.

Note: Niharika Advani, one of Pinewood’s most intrepid photographers, was badly maimed shortly after taking these shots. She is currently hospitalized, suffering from slight lacerations and a toe infection. She remains one of our most esteemed students and we hope for her speedy recovery. Our deepest condolences go out to her parents, outside relations, friends, dog, and grades.

Science Teachers Fight Back: “Science is Fun!” KARINA DOWNPAL SENIOR BOSSER AROUNDER OF EDITORS Last month, Pinewood science teachers surprised their students with a spontaneous field trip to Disneyland in order to study the physics of roller coasters. After hearing about the Pinewood choirs’ trip to Disneyland from March 22-25, the head of the science department, Kim Hudson, was overcome with jealousy that the choirs’ field trips were more popular than the science field trips. She decided that she would also take the science students to the “Happiest Place on Earth.” The science students joined the Pinewood choirs, Pinewood Singers and Women’s Chorus, on their trip to Disneyland.

The substitute teacher for AP Physics, Christine Normoyle, felt the visit to Disneyland was a learning opportunity, not only for the students, but also for herself.

“I think this trip was beneficial to the students in AP Physics because it was an opportunity for them to see how physics relates to everyday life. Also, the students actually paid attention to this physics lesson,” Normoyle said.

For the most part, this pleasant surprise was a huge hit with

Daines

the students, who thought the trip was an enjoyable combination of education and amusement, and provided them a better sense of their sciences. Supposedly.

“Going to school in Disneyland was the best experience of my life and the most fun I have ever had. On this field trip, I learned the most I’ve ever learned in physics. I also liked that I had an excuse to go on the same roller coaster more than 30 times because I was learning,” sophomore Maddy Augustine said.

Although most of the students had an amusing time on the trip, one student, freshman Sydney Goeld, was sent home when she refused to throw away her water bottle at the security point in the San Jose airport. The bottle was apparently given to her by her favorite hockey player from the San Jose Sharks, Jamie McGinn.

“I was not going to give away my water bottle. He is my favorite player and has even drank from the water bottle. I would not give up such a valuable item for a boring school field trip,” Goeld said.

On the field trip, one of the science students, junior Erica Lynne Osterberger, thought about her future, deciding that her career would not be in science but rather in

D N U in Lost And Found

FO

CHAMOMILE POLSTER CUP OF TEA Annie Daines, a sophomore at Pinewood, was recently found living in the Pinewood lost and found. She was discovered living there when, in preparation for spring break, principal Mark Gardner began laying out the clothes and other miscellaneous items from the lost and found, in efforts of the students stopping by and finding items they had previously lost. Instead of the usual sweatshirts, baseball caps, and binders that one would usually find in the lost and found, Gardner came across something he had never seen: a student.

“It’s something I could never have imagined would happen, in all my years of working here at Pinewood,” Gardner said.

Daines was found nestled up between some sweatshirts and other clothing items of the lost and found in hopes of keeping warm. She appeared to have set up a miniature shelter for herself.

The school did not know how to respond to the situation.

In all of Pinewood’s 3,900 years, there has never been an account of anything like this happening. Gardner immediately called the fire station and paramedics to make sure that Daines had not undergone any medical harm while living in the lost and found. In addition, Pinewood’s board called an emergency meeting to discuss how to handle the situation at hand, to set a precedent. Daines’ parents were immediately notified, and upon hearing the news they rushed to school, overwhelmed with joy that their daughter had been found.

According to experts studying the scene, it is believed that Daines had been living in the lost and found for as long as two weeks. There is still no definite reason for why she was living there, but it is presumed that she went to the lost and found in hopes of finding her World History

textbook and simply fell in. Daines attempted to crawl out, but she was overwhelmed by how comfortable the various sweatshirts were and decided she never wanted to leave.

She managed to supply herself with food and water by befriending the squirrels.

“For the first few days, I lived off the extra food I found in the lunch boxes there, but after I ran out of that supply I began to worry that I could die from starvation; however, the squirrels are really what helped to keep me alive this whole time. I’ve found a new respect for them within my heart.” Daines said.

Even though she was gone for nearly two weeks, Daines appeared to have enjoyed her stay and the short break from school.

Although she is excited to be back, she does miss the lost and found sometimes.

“I was excited to see my family and friends again, but I’m really going to miss those squirrels,” Daines said.

Sophomore Annie Daines in her newfound humble abode.

Photo by Annie Whitacre.

the amusement park business.

“After this trip to Disneyland, I have a new aspiration in life. I have decided that my future job is going to be working in an amusement park either as a stand worker or dress as an animated character like Shrek. It is going to be a great life,” Osterberger said.

The teachers were proud that the trip inspired the students to think about their future profession.

“Although I am not sure if making the students want to work in Disneyland when they grow up was the desired effect of this trip, I am glad the field trip generated some enthusiasm,” Normoyle said.

Because of Hudson’s connection with one of the Disneyland executives, the students were presented with an entire night at the park to themselves, while the other park visitors were sent home by midnight.

“My roommate from college happened to become one of the executives of Disneyland, so using my connections, I managed to get the students one whole night in Disneyland to themselves,” Hudson said proudly. The priority of the trip was not only to have fun, but it was also to show the choir students that the science field trips are better. Did you see the choir singers

Pinewood Raves Really Really Hard ETELLE STEPHAN FRENCH IMMIGRANT Pinewood will be hosting a rave on April 20, 2012 at the Warfield Center featuring Skrillex and DeadMau5.

Pinewood School had been receiving many complaints about the school dances not having enough people, from both the student body as well as the student council members. As a result, the Associated Student Body (ASB) has been organizing larger events.

ASB came up with this event one year ago planning and booking the Warfield Center and the performers. “This has been a lot of work and unusually hard but it’s going to be worth it,” ASB President Bradley Naumann said.

The rave itself will be open to all due to the small size of our school. There will be no age limit at all. Tickets will not be bought but handed out at the door since there is no person limit.

The rave itself will be April 20 starting at 9 p.m., because that is the only date Skrillex and Dead Mau5 claimed to be available.

The Warfield also was available on this day so the date was set in stone.

Students are even more excited at the prospect of attending a school dance than normal.

“I am so excited to party hard,” freshman Evan Escher said. “I can’t wait to get my groove on!”

Skrillex and DeadMau5 themselves said that they were “so excited to perform for Pinewood students.”

“Pinewood’s rep for partying hard has preceded them, and we’re so excited to finally be able to experience it for ourselves,” a Skrillex representative said. “I can’t wait to brag about this to my friends in Avicii!”

Tickets are available online at www.pinewoodparties.com. The site is currently overloaded due to server overflow but should be up and running shortly. We thank you for your patience.

After all, it’s a small price to pay for attending one of the best party schools in the nation.

Farts And Culture

DAMES IS SET ADRIFT KELLY RYAN MOCCASINLESS AND MAD What started out as a play review for “Dames at Sea” has turned into a reporter’s nightmare. “Dames at Sea” is a play about putting on a play set on a navy ship because the theater has been demolished (confusing, right?), and it has come to Pinewood.

With the reconstruction of the Upper Campus theater, Pinewood’s production of “Dames at Sea” has been moved to the San Francisco Bay. Pinewood’s theater did not provide adequate space for the “sick” high school dances, so it is being expanded and remolded into a state of the art theater that will rival other schools’ arts programs. Unfortunately, this left the production of “Dames at Sea” adrift. However, when Pinewood needed a stage, one of performing arts teacher Scott Lacy’s contacts, the accomplished manager of the Horn Blowers cruise line, came to the rescue. After watching the performers rehearse in the gym with basketballs flying overhead, the cruise manager, Martha

Kruize, was sold. “This act will save our business!” said Kruize. Miraculously, Pinewood’s performing Arts Department had a stage, with their first performance only a week away.

Although the Pinewood performers, Bradley Naumann, Dante Fraioli, Andie Huebsch, Jenny Hansen, Adrienne Whitlock, Garrett Biggs, and Talmage Wise, are keeping up the motto “the show must go on,” this production has been fraught with problems since they moved to the ship. At show time, irony hit the stage as Pinewood performers underwent similar upsets that occurred in the play.

Naumann, coming off the basketball team’s long and successful season, was overly exhausted and fainted at the first onboard rehearsal, just like one of the characters in the actual play. He was revived by his leading lady, Ruby, played by Huebsch, in the case of role reversal.

Lucky she was there to catch him and he was able to perform later on.

Sadly, the next mishap was not off stage. During the opening night performance, Hansen, playing Mona, began to turn

green in the middle of her solo.

Luckily, this fell into the actual plot of the play, when her character gets seasick.

Huebsch, playing Ruby, realized what she had to do to save the show.

She stepped forward and finished the solo and the rest of the musical number as if it was all staged. Later the director, Lacy, recalled, “At first I thought it was just Hansen’s skilled acting, but then I realized the swaying of the ship really had taken its toll.”

The audience loved it. They were all on their feet cheering, and many commented afterwards saying how skilled all of the actors were. “It’s always a great feeling when you can bring the audience to its feet,” Wise said. The play was such a hit that it will be the first performance held in the new theater.

After the hubbub of the opening night had died down, Kruize offered them the job permanently and offered to pay them an extra bonus for signing with her on the spot.

The cast members were ecstatic, but they declined the offer saying, “We could not bear to leave Pinewood.”

PHOTO OF THE MILLENIUM

Casey Cairo has become an overnight star at Pinewood after winning the Pullitzer Prize for photography with her “udderly” groundbreaking portrayal of the harm that methane gas from cows has done to Pinewood. Last month, the lot behind Pinewood was turned into a pasture to produce grass-fed beef in response to the Eco-Beast club’s presentation on the origin of store-bought meat. However, in the time since the pasture’s creation, the excessive flatulance drifting from the pasture into Pinewood has caused mass concern among students, many of which have begun to wear gas masks to school. The problem became worse when the cows escaped and made it onto the terrace! Could this excess of methane cause health problems? It is for this deep inner meaning that we chose her photo as photo of the month.

Photo of Zoe Sharky taken by senior Casey Cairo. Text by Hyperactive Squirrel Girl Karalena Davis.

BEANBER INSPIRES

A NATION

RAQUEL PEREZ CONQUISTADORA

Justin Beanber’s new album flew to the top of the charts on March 3rd, the day of its release. All around the world, millions of devoted fans rushed to the stores to get their very own copy of the new version of his 2011 CD “Never Say NeverThe Remixes.”

This album could mark a turning point in the music industry since the depth of the lyrics and the truth that Beanber’s voice carries throughout the whole album is Photo courtesy of justinbieberz.net. nothing but worthy of a Grammy. In my opinion, one of his most uplifting songs is without doubt, “Born to be Somebody,” which talks about making your dreams come true and not being afraid to stand out. “Whenever I’m feeling down or need something to help me get through the day I listen to this song and feel like I’m on top of the world,” math teacher Scott Green said.

Beanber’s music seems to be getting better and better everyday. At the start of his career people saw him as nothing more than an unworthy Jonas Brothers successor, but dazzled by his obvious talent, the music business was slowly forced to bow down to him. “Never Say Never- The Remixes” has everything a good album needs: passion, power, and a strong connection with the audience. The cult that surrounds Beanber has grown over the last years. Now, California fans are anxiously waiting for his tour to start so they can catch a glimpse of his killer dance moves and sway to his slower, more heartfelt songs. Those adrenaline junkies will also go wild with his more upbeat tunes like “Runaway Love.”

Another of the highlights of this album is the single “Never Say Never” which discusses the importance of staying strong and believing in yourself. Over the years, great songs like John Lennon’s historic “Imagine,” or Queen’s anthem, “We Will Rock You,” have attempted to convey this feeling of unity and power but never really hit those exact notes. Meanwhile, Beanber, at only 18 years of age and in his third album, got all the chords right and managed to transcend the limits of music. Personally, his music has inspired me to write my own album and start a career as a singer and songwriter. Beanber is without a doubt what brought out my artistic side and gave me the strength to sing to the world about my deepest emotions.

Some of Beanber’s previous hits are also included in this album “When a song is as good as ‘Somebody to Love’ you can hear it over and over again and never get tired of it” said sophomore Talmage Wise said. “Justin is unique and inspirational, I admire him more and more everyday.” This record is far from the usual commercial pop album and has an inspirational vibe to it that simply makes you want to fight for your dreams and fight for love. As Beanber said himself, “I will fight till’ forever/When you knock me down I will not stay on the ground.”

It’s Never Been Don: A Taiko Class!

ALEX HIDDEN HASNAIN CAMOUFLAGE OFFICIONADO

to start this class for a while now, but it was only after Amanda and SJT’s performance in February that I knew it was popular enough for a club,” Eivers said.

Although he has plenty of knowl-

Eivers said. Excited for his second musical instrument club, he invited Suzuki, Watanabe, and Tanaka to teach Pinewood how to play the taiko drum.

“Daniel [Suzuki], Kim [Watanabe],

In April, drama teacher Doug Eivers, will be teaching a taiko, or Japanese drumming, class to increase the school’s cultural perspective. Students may sign up by finding him in the theatre or going to his website, ilovetaikoandiwanttheworldtoknowitsaideivers.com.

Inspired by San Jose Taiko and the performance of our very own senior, Amanda Zucker, Eivers has decided to teach lessons so students can also learn the ways of the Taiko. Eivers knew about Taiko before it became popular and was taught by professional taiko players, Daniel Suzuki, Kim Watanabe, and Sean Tanaka. However, Eivers’ interest to learn how to play, which began in 2008, came from a documentary he saw about cultural and native Left: Performing arts teacher Doug Eivers poses for a photo with his taiko sticks. Right: Eivers teaches colleague Scott Lacy the art of taiko. Photos taken by Emily Ng. music from Asia, Africa, and Europe.

“I learned how to play the taiko drum edge about kumidaiko, he has only per- and Sean [Tanaka] were the best instrucaround 2008 because I was interested formed in front of a large audience once. tors and teachers I met at SJT. I contacted in different instruments from different “I only performed once with SJT in them recently in case they were interested parts of the world…I’ve actually wanted 2011 in their Himawari collaboration,” in helping me start this club,” Eivers said.

Working with SJT and their Junior Taiko program, Eivers said that the club will sometimes take field trips to San Jose to see a professional kumidaiko. Suzuki told that the students and teachers can also participate in SJT’s Himawari collaboration.

Unfortunately, the club will not be able to use authentic taiko drums due to the fact that they cost upwards of $3,000. Instead, they will visit SJT and rent their drums.

Also, for the first few weeks, he said he will only teach club members how to use the drums and the history of the drums.

Club members will listen to different taiko pieces and will learn how to speak in the taiko “language,” which is used to express different notes and methods to play.

Club members will be charged a $20 fee every month to pay for the regular field trips and the club will take place every Monday and Friday at lunchtime in the theatre.

“Since many people aren’t available during H period, the club will be at lunch every Monday and Friday in the theater. Anybody can join! Teachers, students, faculty…just about anyone who’s interested,” Eivers said.

YEAH SPORTZ 6

Ministry Brings Quiddich to Pinewood ANDREW “THE BEAR” GERSON REDBEARD “Quidditch will be coming to Pinewood, starting next year,” Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge announced earlier this week at the Ministry of Magic in London.

Replacing the boys and girls’ soccer teams, Pinewood’s new Quidditch team will mark the first team fielded by a Muggle high school in an attempt to introduce Quidditch to the non-wizarding community.

Sacred Heart Prep and Menlo may soon follow suit, but in the mean time, Pinewood will look to fill its schedule with matches against wizarding schools.

“I see no reason why Pinewood can’t compete with the likes of Hogwarts, Beauxbatons and Durmstrang,” Fudge said.

This announcement has excited many Pinewood students, but also brought about apprehension concerning the use of magic.

“I would love to play, but, as a muggle, I’m scared of competing with wizards,” sophomore Kevin Tracy said. “What if one of them casts a spell on me?”

The issue of magic-related injuries is not lost on Pinewood faculty, who are working hard to find a solution.

“Even with all my experience, I would have no idea what to do if a student had a spell cast on him,” athletic trainer and Assistant Athletic Director Chad Morin said.

The Ministry of Magic has suggested employing former Hogwarts professor and novelist Gilderoy Lockhart to solve this problem, but Morin staunchly refused.

“I’ve only heard bad things about Lockhart. The last thing I want is an athlete with no bones in his arm,” Morin said.

Charlotte Johnson (center) prepares for the new Quidditch tryouts at Pinewood. Johnson looks to join her friends and to contend for the Quidditch cup. With or without her, the Quidditch team must take on teams such as Hogwarts. Photo taken from http://images.wikia.com/harrypotter/images/3/3a/Ron_in_Quidditch.jpg.

Another issue surrounding the team is the construction of a stadium.

Initially the gym at Fabian Way was considered as a possibility for an indoor arena, but it is too small. Pinewood is currently considering a redesign of the field, in which the tennis courts and football field are combined, creating enough space to build an arena with appropriate seating.

This option would appear to upset some of the tennis and football players.

“I can’t believe that Pinewood and the athletic department have agreed to destroy my football field!” senior quarterback Amanda Zucker said. “I would understand for a sport like cricket or bocce ball, but Quidditch? Can you even call that a sport?”

However, the majority of them are enthralled with the idea of a year-round Quidditch team.

“I would sacrifice tennis to play Quidditch,” senior Trevor Leimer said. “I’ve always wanted to be a Seeker.”

While the team’s schedule is unclear, Pinewood will most likely face a tough road schedule filled with overseas trips, where tough, seasoned teams will be ready to compete. Many wizarding schools are ready to establish dominance over the muggles in the sport.

“We will destroy Pinewood with ease,” Hogwarts Headmaster Severus Snape said.

This team is more than just about Quidditch, however.

This team represents the beginning of interaction between wizards and muggles, who have been separated throughout history. While wiz-

ards are known for their magic, muggles have made significant technological progress, leading some to wonder whether magic brooms are the proper choice for muggles.

“The filthy muggles don’t deserve the right to ride broomsticks,” wizard and Slytherin graduate Draco Malfoy said. “I’m sure they can whip up some muggle contraptions that will suffice.”

Few wizards feel the same way, as the Ministry of Magic is providing brooms for Pinewood. While it has yet to be seen if muggles and wizards can coexist, there is great optimism surrounding the idea.

“I’m absolutely positive that the Pinewood Quidditch team will lead to great muggle-wizard relations in the future, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be rooting for Pinewood when they come to face Hogwarts next year,” wizard Hermoine Granger said.

Senior Cameron Helvey rocking out in the viral YouTube video. Photo taken from youtube.com.

Getting a Chance to Sing with Miley Cyrus KEVIN ENDERSBY KEVIN STARTERSBY Sophomore Austin Twombly gets dress coded for SHP colors and gear. Photo by Lindsay Riches

All things SHP Banned MAX DARROW OFFICER OF LOVE Due to the cross-town rivalry with the Sacred Heart Prep Gators, a new rule has been created at Pinewood. As the rivalry has reached its highest point, all things Sacred Heart have been banned from campus. This ban includes everything from gator prints to the colors red and white. Literally nothing on campus can have a smidgeon of red or white on it.

Not that many people at Pinewood wear gator prints or clothing reading “Sacred Heart Prep,” but the red and white ordinance will cause many students and teachers problems.

“I don’t even care about the sports rivalry with Sacred Heart!” senior Alex Stitt said. “Now this means I have to get rid of my white backpack with red hearts all over it. To make it worse, the warranty has expired and I can’t even get my money back for it!”

“Almost all of my clothes are red and white!” senior Nate Brown said. “There

is only one solution to this problem.

I’m coming to school in my birthday suit. Sorry Mom!” There will be no exceptions for this rule and strict punishments will be enforced. Teachers will forego any warnings of punishments and immediately hand out detentions for any sign of anything that doesn’t abide by the new regulations, especially the red and white rule.

“This is serious business,” librarian Karen Hall said. “Cutting class is one thing, but carrying a bottle of Gatorade or sporting red and white clothing?

That is just unacceptable. If I ever see a student with those colors on in my library, he or she will never set foot inside again.”

A handful of students agree with the new rules and feel that they are necessary.

“It’ll be tough not to wear red and white, but something must be done,” senior Ava Adlparvar said. “I can still wear pink on Valentines Day and be spirited in other ways.”

Right at midnight on April 1, the Boys’ Varsity Basketball Team’s “Party in the USA” music video went viral, reaching 40 million views and 30 million likes on YouTube. Unknown by the team, one of the many viewers was the singer of the original song, Miley Cyrus. Surprised by their skill and wondrous voices, Cyrus, also known as Hannah Montana, asked the team to travel and perform with her on her summer worldwide tour. At the end of the tour, Cyrus is hoping to hire the team as her full-time back-up vocal group.

“I was blown away by the fantastic quality of all of their voices,” Cyrus said. “Their tone and style are exactly what I need on my tour team, and I think this could be the beginning of a new trend. I think together we could definitely be the next big thing.”

“I’m super psyched to be going on tour with Miley Cyrus,” senior Dante Fraioli said. “I’m her number one fan; touring with her has been a dream of mine ever since I first saw her TV show and then her live concert, and now that dream is becoming a reality. It’s amazing!”

While on the tour, they will be given VIP treatment, including being driven in a personal tour bus, staying in 5-star luxury hotel suites, and taking private jets from country to country.

“I’m hoping that the unremitting travelling and relentless singing won’t take a drastic toll on my superb and breathtaking voice,” senior

Cameron Helvey said. “I may converse with ‘Miles’ about considering taking some time off in the Bahamas in between our European and American concerts.”

As well as being asked to go on tour with her, the Basketball team’s music video now has a Facebook fan page with over 20 million likes, and their Twitter account has reached over 30 million followers. The team has also been offered million-dollar record deals from some of the biggest names in recording, such as Sony and Warner Brothers Recording Studios.

“We heard we were being asked by some of the most well known recording companies to come out with our own album, either with just our one cover song or with a whole new set of songs,” junior Sam Carp said. “I hope the team will make the right decision on who to make the deal with.”

The team will be featured in Cyrus’s new album, Where’s The Friend, and on the TV show Ellen.

“I can’t wait to record with Miley in person,” senior Solomone Wolfgram said. “I’ve always wished that one day I could be with her on stage, and to record a song with her is a dream come true.”

Now that we’re also going to perform with her in concert and on Ellen is just too good to be true. I honestly can’t believe it!”

With high hopes and great excitement, the team will depart for the beginning of their long string of concerts this summer. While a few may still be swayed to play basketball, the tour may turn many of them into full-time performers.

SPORTY SPORT SPORTS 7

Manchester Drafts Faiz “The Furry Furious” Forward BIBBLE SNIBBLE (BALL OF YARN) and FAIZ “THE FURIOUS FORWARD” Perhaps the most momentous draft decision in Manchester United history occurred on Mar. 25, 2012 at exactly 3:07 p.m. Heralded by the public as the future franchise player for the team, 16 year old Faiz Khan, appropriately nicknamed Furious Faiz, signed a $2,147,483,648 (annually) contract for the rest of his life. With this bold move by General Manager Sir Alex Ferguson, the Red Devils have made it clear that they will stop at nothing to win the FA Cup, European Cup, UEFA Super Cup, Intercontinental Cup, FIFA World Cup, and the Cup of Noodles Cup… Now let’s rewind a bit to the events leading up to Khan’s draft. At birth, Khan showed exceptional girth and overwhelming strength, for he weighed in at 15 pounds and 9 ounces and could perform 100 pound leg presses. In his early years, Khan showed a burning passion for football (take that Americans!).

“I loved playing football in my adolescent years for three simple reasons: gettin’ lean, kickin’ balls, and gettin’ girls,” Khan said in a recent telephone interview.

Through the years, Khan has maintained his zealous passion for football, and all through high school Khan has improved his mastery of the sport. With the 2012 varsity high school season over, Khan has had time to reflect on his play-making ability.

“I don’t usually have hat tricks in a game, but when I do, it’s against Priory. You mad?”

Khan said while speaking on behalf of the team’s only win of the season.

After receiving the call from Manchester United, Khan was shocked, startled, and amazed. However, in a public statement during his sophomore year, Khan had made it clear he intended to go pro one day – to play with

Junior Faiz “The Furry Furious Forward” Khan stares intently into the distance whilst thinking about his most recent drafting. Photo submitted by Faiz “The Furry Furious Forward” Khan.

the likes of David Beckham, Christiano Ronaldo, and Wayne Rooney.

“I was so ecstatic that I cried rivers of tears and then I called my mama who supported me all my life and told her the news and then SHE began crying oceans of tears.

I mean I knew one day I would be able to bend it like Beckham, I just didn’t know when. I am looking forward to wearing the red jerseys,” Khan said.

Khan and family are not the only ones who are overjoyed at this auspicious news.

Pinewood school has recently expressed its happiness in an exclusive interview with the local newspaper.

E pic C lash B etween 49ers A nd P anthers TOODAI DABIDDD ASSISTANT LAMPSHADE Prepare to see some changes happening around the campus, because the San Francisco 49ers are coming to Pinewood! In their first exhibition game, the fabled NFL football team will face off against Pinewood’s all-star 8-man football team. On April 24, Pinewood’s field will be filled with a clash of green and red.

Anthony Dixon, running back for the 49ers, found about Pinewood’s team when he was searching for good Bay Area teams.

Pinewood’s name came up first, being not only the best 8-man team in its league, but also the team with the most average touchdowns per game, with a remarkable 10. Dixon then contacted his head coach Jim Harbaugh. “Coach, we got to play this team,” Dixon said.

Harbaugh, after consulting with the team managers, got in touch with Pinewood Athletic Director Jackee Bruno. After shooting a couple emails back and forth and a few phone calls, Bruno agreed to let the 49ers come to Pinewood for a fullyrefereed exhibition game.

Preparation for the game has the entire school buzzing with activity. Construction of goal posts, two additional locker rooms,

and a new set of 10-row bleachers will begin by April 2. The two locker rooms will be replacing the Spanish and French rooms, and the 10-row bleachers will take up the place where the tennis courts originally were. In addition, the creation of a cheerleading squad has been enacted in order to give more encouragement to the Pinewood football team.

The entire football team has been re-assembled, with a new training regime and practice schedule to add to it. Practicing from 3:30 to 9 p.m. every day, the team hopes to be at the top of their game by the time that the 49ers arrive. They recognize themselves as the underdog, and they are prepared to surprise their guest by starting the game off strong and powerful.

The exhibition game at Pinewood will be one that will never be forgotten, by either the 49ers or Pinewood. It will be a clash between two of the arguably best teams in their league. Player to player, each skill set is roughly equal, which will size up to be undoubtedly a entertaining, nail-biting game that will most likely be decided in the last minute or two. Head Coach Harbaugh himself is expecting a great season opener himself. “It will be one of the hardest games our team will face our entire season. We are greatly looking forward to it,” he said.

(Left) San Francisco linebacker Patrick Willis readies himself to sack the quarterback. (Right) Senior quarterback John Bennett pulls off a QB draw. Photos by Vishal Jindal and Faiz Khan.

“We are all proud of Faiz for all his accomplishments and are super excited that he is representing us in the big leagues. Way to go Furious Faiz! We love you so much and want your future babies because of your flawless bone structure and also your nose,” a representative said.

Now that Khan has found his way into the international spotlight, his passion for football has not diminished the least bit, but his reasons for playing have.

“I love playing football now for three simple reasons: gettin’ girls, gettin’ girls, and gettin’ girls! But seriously, I get all them girls now!” Khan said.

With Khan’s arrival to the team, rivals of Manchester United, most notably Leeds United and Liverpool, have expressed open animosity. According to legend, the conflict between Leeds and Manchester stems from the War of the Roses, an ancient war between the house of Lancaster and the house of York.

“To be honest, I don’t give a flying duck about what this conflict is. I’m just here to play the game. Look at my toned legs and hot bod and tanned complexion and perfect toes. Look at them. I am flawless. I will be the best forward ever to play this game. I guarantee it,” Khan said.

Jeremy Scheppler And doc lin Swap BENJAMIN THE AQUATIC BROWN SACK OF BEANS Girls’ varsity basketball coach Doc Scheppler resigned last week to pursue a career in the NBA, causing Jeremy Lin to take his place.

Last summer, Scheppler worked out with Lin, helping him improve his shot, along with the rest of his game, and in February, Lin led the Knicks to four straight victories, averaging 27.3 points, 8.3 assists and 2.0 steals, amazing the American public.

Scheppler also has had great success; working at Pinewood for over a decade, he coached the girls’ varsity team to five state championships, but now it seems that this has not been great enough for him.

“I’ve been at Pinewood a very long time, and accomplished a lot here, but I decided that it’s time for a change of scenery. Plus, after seeing Jeremy Lin’s success in the NBA, I asked myself ‘I taught him everything he knows, so why don’t I just play in the NBA too?’ So I decided to quit my job, move to New York, and play for the Knicks. I guess you could say that Jeremy inspired me,” Scheppler said.

“When Doc showed up in New York, I was horrified. Not only was I worried about him stealing my playing time, I also couldn’t imagine what the girls’ basketball program at Pinewood would be like with-

out him. So I decided to set my NBA career aside in order to coach at Pinewood,” Lin said. “Doc has left a huge legacy here, and I have a lot to live up to. However, I’m confident that with the skills he taught me, I’ll be able to coach the girls well.”

“Jeremy is very enthusiastic and wants us to win the state title next year,” Sophomore Kendahl Wallis-Lang said. “He’s having us train super hard, but he yells at us a little less than Doc did. Also, Jeremy is really smart, and if I ever need help with homework, he’s more than happy to give me a hand, just as long as it’s not during practice.” Lin decided that six weeks off is too much for the girls, an d has already gotten them started with offseason training.

“I’m going to get the girls in such good shape that when the season comes, they’ll be running circles around East Side Prep and the other teams in our league,” Lin said.

“I’m very excited for the girls’ team next year. I think that with the talent and athleticism they have, along with having Jeremy Lin as their coach, they have a great shot at winning state,” Scheppler said, “But I’m also excited for my NBA career; Kobe better be ready.”

“It’s going to be fun to see Doc play in the NBA,” Wallis-Lang said, “He’s a tremendous athlete, and a great basketball player. Did you know that he can dunk?”

(Left) Doc Lin drives to the basket for an epic layup. (Right) Jeremy Scheppler poses for a picture with the CIF trophy. Photos by Annie Whitacre.

Nooz ∞

Paved Paradise, Put Up Parking Lot SYDNI CHOPPER HEATH BAR ADDICT After many years of student protest and administrative discussion, Pinewood has finally decided to build another parking lot to give more parking space to the students and faculty.

Not only will this parking lot give students more space, it will also reduce congestion on the roads outside Pinewood and cause less trouble for Los Altos residents. Construction will begin in early May for the new parking lot.

“I used to think we had enough

parking spaces, but during the basketball game there were so many people that I realized we needed more room,” principal Mark Gardner said.

“I’m glad we are getting a new parking lot so I won’t get doubleparked anymore. I always seem to get blocked in,” junior Nancy Sutter said.

The original plan was to build a two-story parking lot, but there were difficulties getting air rights above the current parking lot. The administration has decided to build the second story on top of the gym instead.

“I’m very excited to have a parking lot on top of the gym, because this way, I can get out of my car and I’ll already be right where I need to be!”

P.E. teacher Doc Scheppler said.

This new development requires a few other changes as well. First, new supports must be installed inside the gym to account for the new story. While the gym is under construction, PE will be cancelled for all grades and replaced by “Hiphop Abs” and P90X in Room 8.

Second, the weight room will be temporarily removed during construction, which which will most likely cause some unrest among teachers who frequently use the weight room.

“I use the workout room in much of my spare time so I can work on my core. I don’t know what I’ll do when it is taken out,” English

teacher Rob Morrill said.

Rooms 22, 23, and 24 will be temporarily unavailable and taught on the tennis courts until construction is completed, forcing the tennis season to be cut short.

“I’m very upset that our season ended early this year; I really thought this was going to be our greatest season ever,” boys tennis coach Craig Corfield said.

Third, large ramps must be built to give cars access to the roof of the gym. These ramps will connect the small parking area behind rooms 20 and 21 to the new roof parking lot. A second school entrance will be created to allow cars direct access to the roof lot and will prevent

congested traffic.

The new space provided by the parking lot will help Pinewood immensely. There will be enough room for each grade to have their own designated parking area along with a separate sphere for the faculty and administration.

In addition, since they now have enough room to store them, Pinewood has bought two large buses that will be used for transportation to and from events such as basketball games and field trips.

“This new parking lot will really make things easier for Pinewood as a whole, and I’m glad students are having such a positive reaction to it,” Gardner said.

Ribaudo Target of Mac Computer Hate Crime ANNIE “KING” KONG SENIOR GORILLA Computer teacher Phil Ribaudo, known Mac supporter, was attacked by a Macbook-hating band of terrorists on March 12. When Ribaudo, computer and communications teacher, unlocked and opened the door to his classroom, he was greeted with a cardboard box attached to a string from the ceiling; written in black sharpy on its side was “Macbook’s Suck!

Go PC’s!”

Pushing the cardboard box away from his face, Ribaudo scannned the room and almost had a heart attack. Tables were overturned, chairs broken and tossed to the side, and papers were scattered and ripped.

The worst shock came when the Macbooks came into view.

Cords unplugged, shards of computer screens across the floor, keyboard covers ripped up and lying around, the white server boxes thrashed around and cut up, the screens snapped off their bases lay dejectedly on the ground.

Toilet paper, strewn throughout the room, decorated the ceiling and walls.

“I couldn’t believe the state that the room was in,” Ribaudo said.

Ribaudo silently absorbed the shock.

His beloved Macs – ruined! All that time put into setting them up, gone!

Wasted! Ribaudo tried to calculate the amount of money it would take to repair the damage, but the numbers started to spin in his head and he was forced to sit down.

However, Ribaudo didn’t real-

ize at the time that he might still be in danger. According to an intial police report, he reported that he thought he was hearing things, but through straining his ears, he could faintly make out people whispering.

Before he could even react, five people clad in black sprang

then danced around him while chanting “Go PC’s!” and stepping all over the Macbooks.

They then lit a bonfire in the parking lot outside of Ribaudo’s classroom, and threw all of the Macbooks, keyboards and covers, and mouses in to burn.

“My eyes watered as I watched my precious computers go up in flames,” Ribaudo said.

The robbers proceeded to rip off the tape from Ribaudo’s mouth and force him to condemn Macs forever. “They were very violent and forceful, and it was a very frightening experience. Not at all a memory I will fondly cherish.

They ripped off the tape from my mouth quite brutally, mind you and taking with it some pieces of my beard,” Ribaudo said. “I almost cried as I watched my dear Macbooks being incinerated.”

The robbers then left suddenly, leaving Ribaudo to untangle himself from the chair and put out the fire himself.

In a final act of violence, the robbers, using a homemade catapult, propelled Ribaudo’s car into the Pinewood trees.

Although this event took place on Mar. 12, the police still are keeping an eye out for possible suspects. If LEFT: Ribaudo’s Scion XB, found March 12, sitting atop the Pinewood trees. Photo submitted by Adrienne Whitlock. TOP: Rib- you see anybody suspicous that apaudo trying to defend himself with his MacBook Pro. Photo taken pears to glorify PC’s and appears to and submitted by Faiz “Faizeebo” Khan. be in all-black, please call 911.

Cafe Pre-Pay Starts Bartering System AUSTIN LIANG THE LAST SAMURAI Starting next week, Café Prepay will trash its current system of credit accounts and will offer its goods through the barter system. This barter system, which was originally proposed last year by the history department, will act as a simulation for students to know what market life was like back in the Middle Ages, when the barter system was mainly used.

This sudden change will occur because 85 percent of the entire Pinewood Upper Campus scored a C or below on their history finals. Students will be able to trade in items that can range from the expensive: a Rolex watch, to the cheap: tattered boots. Based on the value of the item, students will be able to receive the appropriate amount of baked goods, sandwiches, or sweets in return.

Café Prepay is getting a whole makeover, starting from expansion of the hallway of the café to the bathrooms on either side. Unfortunately, this will leave only one pair of bathrooms out on the school hallways, with which the students will just have to make do.

Fridges, racks, and shelves will be revamped and decorated to resemble a 1600s marketplace, complete with squawking chickens, braying donkeys, and mooing cows. The cashier, Angel, will even be dressed up as an English pilgrim in order to further strengthen the simulation’s authenticity.

Additionally, Dr. Mark Hecht Ph.D, a professor of bartology from nearby Stanford University, will

be coming to Pinewood to supervise the simulation and various trades to make sure all trades are fair. Cafe Prepay will auction off all high-value goods to fervent antique collectors, while the rest will be sold for profit or given to the employees themselves.

Many teachers anxiously await the launch of this new barter system. “We all are very excited for this change,” history teacher Mary-Kate Leos, said “I also feel this could be a good way to help my students learn, as some class time can be devoted to some fun show-and-tell of various items students have brought from their homes to barter with, which can help me teach my students in a fun way about the origin of each item, instead of plain note-taking.”

“My family left me some old suits of armor and medieval weaponry, and I never knew what to do with them. But now, with this new barter system, I can get rid of them while getting free food!” history teacher Daniel Cristiani said.

Moreover, students are very eager for the barter system to open. “This system could be my saving grace. I could trade in lost clothes and school items that I will refurbish and be able to support and feed myself,” sophomore Annie Daines, who has been living in the lost and found, said.

“I bet this system will be great, as occasionally when I walk around my house, I can find various prehistoric fossils, and I presume these will fetch a high price of possible two or more cookies at Café Prepay,” freshman Oliver Cho said. “Gee, I can’t wait to trade in that set of old dragon scales I have collecting dust at home too!”

out from behind the overturned tables. They tackled Ribaudo football – style, and forced him into a chair, binding him with ropes and duct-taping his hands and feet together.

As if this wasn’t enough, they also slapped on a long piece of duck tape over his mouth. The attackers

Normoyle Deported MATTI “THE BLASIAN” THURSTON TEENAGE HEARTTHROB In a shocking series of events, Math teacher Christine Normoyle has been detained by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

Normoyle, previously believed to be a simple American-born citizen, was taken into custody during the morning hours on Feb. 30.

A spokesperson for ICE failed to delve into the details of the situation. No knowledge was given on the warrant for Normoyle’s detainment or the reasons why they suspect her of being illegally here. The only information that we have at this time is that Normoyle will have a hearing on June 27 to determine whether or not she will be deported to her “home” country of Liechtenstein.

As we are only in the earliest stages of this report, the Pot-Bellied Pig Prints will keep you posted on the situation.

ABOVE: Math teacher Christine Normoyle gets detained by an ICE agent while teacking. Photo by Vishal “I Like Famous Amos” Jindal.