Motherhood: Learning Your Child’s Love Language

FEATURE | Motherhood

How learning your child’s LoveLanguage can strengthen your relationship

by Mary Jane Bogle

We all crave close connection, now more than ever. Our kids especially are relying on us to provide a safe, warm, loving environment when they walk through the front door. If your relationship with your children isn’t as strong as you would hope, learning their love languages just might be the key to making sure they feel valued and loved.

First coined by author and counselor Gary Chapman, the term “love language” speaks to everyone’s unique craving for love and affection. According to Chapman, each of us gravitates to one specific language that deeply touches our soul.

Words of Affirmation – Children who speak this love language are always giving compliments and might seem overly offended by negative remarks. This child needs to hear the words, “I love you,” repeated often and in many ways. A sticky note in a lunchbox or a folded message left on a pillow is just as powerful as a spoken word. Phrases like “You are so good at…” “I love the way you…” and “You are so important to me…” will touch them deeply and create a close connection with you.

Acts of Service – This child genuinely appreciates small acts of kindness throughout the day. Parents hoping to instill a sense of responsibility in their children might chafe at the constant requests for help with making a bed, choosing an outfit, or tying shoes, but occasionally doing their chores will send a loud message of love without diminishing that child’s move toward independence. Little acts of service, such as warming her clothes in the dryer in the morning or fluffing a pillow before bed, can work wonders.

Giving and Receiving Gifts – Kids who speak this love language appreciate the time and thoughtfulness behind a gift and can tell you who gave them what for Christmas or birthdays long after the day has passed. Remember, a gift doesn’t have to be expensive to be memorable to this child. A wildflower set in a tiny vase by her place at the table, a bottlecap you found on the beach together taped to a lunchbox lid or even a smooth stone from a recent hike pressed into the palm can become a treasure to this child. Quality Time – “Come play with me!” is a common mantra for a child who craves quality time as a primary love language. The child who constantly asks you join in activities is really saying, “I need to know you love me.” Getting down on the floor and playing with Legos, reading a book together, or going on a special, one-on-one trip is exactly what this child needs to feel secure and loved.

Physical Touch – The child with this love language is easy to recognize. He or she is the one constantly climbing in your lap, holding your hand, or playing with your hair. Hugs, cuddles, high fives, and back rubs are way more important to this child than words alone.

Remember that love languages can change as children grow, so continue to look for cues in the ways they offer love to help you respond to them in a way they crave and value. a