Fall 2011 - The OutCrowd Magazine

Syracuse University, SUNY ESF The Independent LGBTQA Student Magazine The Outcrowd, Fall / 2011 / #7

letter from the editor

Over the summer, I interned in Washington, D.C. I didn’t have a place to stay, so I couch surfed with strangers. I lived with an adorable family in Maryland, a plastic surgery journal editor in Virginia, and a World Bank operations officer in D.C. One day, on my way to a host’s house, a man asked me for directions on the street. After chatting, we exchanged numbers and hung out the next day. A week later, he was my boyfriend. Soon after that, I moved in with him.

To say that I believe in the kindness of strangers would be an understatement.

So, when Yiwei and I needed to find a new staff for The OutCrowd this semester, I wanted to reach out to people we had never met before. I’ll admit, we were on a tight deadline, desperate, and we were exploring new directions for the magazine.

This is not a magazine run by seasoned magazine journalism students. Bryan, our narrative editor, is an architecture student.

Vittorio, our politics editor, just transferred to SU this semester. The OutCrowd is about the genuine passion of diverse individuals like Bryan and Vittorio. Our stories offer insight into the multidimensional personalities and opinions that exist within the LGBTQA community – whether they are radically political or sexual (see our piece on the Radical Faeries, page 25).

All of our other editors, writers and artists involved this semester produced several thrilling surprises. The Radical Faeries story inspired us to have a naked photo shoot in the woods. (You can see it on the center spread.) We bring you on a trip to Adult World (page 14) and invite you to think about the serious topic of gay male anorexia (page 16). We share ideas about how to be a good ally (page 28) and what it takes to be a good icon (page 40).

I hope you enjoy our creation.

-Calvin Iverson Editor-in-Chief

table of contents

narrative 3 4 6 9 11 13

H2O Being A Gay Athlete Beyond Dogma Rainbow This/It Two Clumsy People Equal Perfection

sex & health 14 16 18

Adult World Wonders The Nasty Monster We Embrace FML at the Doctor’s Office

q&a 19 31

Matthew Breen Kim Dill

feature 25 28

Radical Faeries al•ly (n.)

politics 33 34 36

Queer Events of 2011 Moral Hatred A Different Kind of Closet

arts & entertainment 38 40 42 44

GAGaga Better Gay Icons Are Your Friends With Judy...or Dorothy?

Queer Artists

out 47

Jake Hebert

The views expressed in The OutCrowd do not represent those of the entire staff of the publication, its sponsors, or of Syracuse University as an institution. The OutCrowd welcomes all submissions and suggestions but reserves the right to refuse materials at the discretion of its editors. All contents of the publication are copyright 2011 by their creator and may not be reproduced without their consent.

outcrowd.su@gmail.com

editorial Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Production Director Features Editor Arts & Entertainment Editor Sex & Health Editor Politics Editor Q&A Editor Narrative Editor Copy Editors

Calvin Iverson Yiwei Wu Shaun Janis Katie Dupere Katie Dupere Matty Bennett Vittorio DiVentura Elizabeth Lee Bryan McKinney Michael Harper, Eric Vilas-Boas, Melissa Savignano, Briana Murrel

creative Design Director Art Director Creative Advisor Contributing Writers

Contributing Artists/Photographers

Cover Art

Sarah Foley Jill Stromberg Daisy Chen Rachael Card, Kassie Brabaw, Kelsey Rubeor, Emily Allen, Donovan Smolenyak, Raul Xavier Ramos, Jayne Jaramillo, Jake Hebert, Ben Aaron, Justin Dorsen Emmett Baggett, Sean Basista, Ashkay Gedam, Kristen Leonard, Natalya Linina, Melissa Smith, Molly Mendenhall, Carly Piersol, Matthew Pevear, Daisy Chen Daisy Chen

special thanks The LGBT Resource Center, Kim Dill, Matthew Breen, Giddyup, Jeff Carroll

poetry

H2O Spend a night reflecting Listening to the sound of rain Bathe in the soft rhythmic sound of waves The steady beating of a baptism I have worshipped over meals Worshipped in the houses of God But then the water seeped into the loopholes Fit that story of redemption To a body only water can cover To many mythic men cowards behind a robe and hammer I have played this war of identity Long before picking teams for a game of Marco Polo I forgive myself for not fitting in The water unlike people holds no bias No glass big enough to contain this contradiction After hitting the gym lifting iron to lift the weight of Having to walk home clutching spears of keys for safety Spend an hour in a steaming bath Scald off the shame of the body.

Living beneath the glass top water No matter how much beer all senses Alert on dark corners Paranoia over something as small as a name on a credit card See these scars turn pink in steaming water These will always be my form of ID Eventually water cools Absorbs the heat of rage Slows the swelling of bruises From beatings against the world Rise out of that pool and drip dry Wrap the battered body in cotton to lay between sheets If only hope came as easily as hot water. poem & illustration by Bryan McKinney

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narrative

Being a Gay Athlete

by Kelsey Rubeor

There are many things I fear as a Gay American; the Westboro Baptist Church, pray away the gay camps, and my grandmother’s living room to name a few.

The beauty of those situations is I can avoid God hates fags protests, not enroll in those “corrective” therapy camps, and grind my teeth through the proverbial “when are you going to settle down and get me some grandkids?”

But my fears as a gay athlete hit much closer to home and avoidance is not an option.

For anyone who has ever been on any type of team, you know that not being accepted by your teammates can make your life a living hell. Being gay, locker

photo by Leva Staponkute, Women’s Track & Field team member

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rooms can feel like a claustrophobic, anxiety-inducing jail cell. Rooming with a teammate who is outwardly homophobic will send shivers down your back. As a gay athlete at Syracuse University, I lived with these fears, these intolerant realities.

It wasn’t untill I was 19 years old and had my first same sex kiss that I realized that I was gay. And boy did it hit me hard. My athletic endeavors had been my life’s work and this gay identity did not fit into my world what so ever.

So I did what I thought was best: I got into a relationship but I stayed in the closet in all aspects of my life, not just athletics. I will be the first person to say that it was amazing for the first year. I thought I had it all figured out; I could avoid all of the issues that came with being a gay athlete and still be with the person I loved. I was still part of the majority and I liked it that way.

But as time wore on, I felt myself being torn apart. Completely ripped to shreds by my two identities. I would kiss my partner goodbye, catch a bus to Manley, and when I got off at the Manley South bus stop I was straight as an arrow. I would hear “no homo” and “that’s gay” at practice and not say a word for fear that me standing up and saying something would lead to me being outed. I felt disgusted, ashamed of what I had become. I was raised to stand up for what you believe in, to

narrative

never sacrifice your morals and here I was living a lie.

I am saddened to say that I heard over two years of homophobic language and did nothing about it. That was until I sat in the South Carolina airport lamenting about how all of my friends were going dancing at TREXX that night and I wouldn’t be able to go. A curious freshman pulled out her iPhone and googled TREXX. Michele* turned to me and said “but that’s a gay club”, not in a naïve tone, but much more a derogatory tone. I had finally had enough. My blood boiled as I turned to her and said “honey, I’m gay. Does that answer your question?”

My freedom to be out in athletics came with its repercussions. It wasn’t perfect, but when I received my Big East Champion medal I knew that all of my struggles had been worth it; because I proudly stood on that podium as an openly gay athlete and that was the most liberating feeling I could have ever imagined. I wave a Pride flag and I will forever bleed Orange. *name changed for anonymity photo by Steve Parker, SU Athletics Staff Photographer

It wasn’t exactly how I had planned to come out to my team, but it was finally over; my internal struggle was over…. or so I thought. For the rest of the season I was assigned a hotel room by myself, everyone else had same sex roommates but me. I didn’t mind having two double beds and the remote control all to myself, but it made me feel as though I was being quarantined, secluded. I would go from Pride Union on Wednesday night and TREXX on Thursday night, two of the most accepting and liberating environments I had ever felt, to an isolated hotel room in a random city just waiting until it was over so could go home to my LGBT safe havens.

I will be the first to admit that it wasn’t ideal, but I was free. Free to confront my teammates when they used any homophobic or derogatory language.

Free to walk into my locker room and stay as long as I wanted because I was no longer imprisoned by my sexuality.

Free to talk about my girlfriend instead of “my friend”.

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narrative

Beyond Dogma A Look into the Quaker Experience

by Vittorio DiVentura

We are born, we live, and then we die.

This common fate of mortality has led humankind to search for a world that extends beyond the subjective senses, and to coalesce around those who share a similar notion of divinity. For me, this quest for a religious identity has been particularly conflicted. I’ve always been torn between my sexual identity and my spiritual one. Sometimes I tell myself organized religion is evil, and that it is a source of hatred toward gay people, but then at other times I desire to be a part of a community that looks into the empyrean and wonders.

My own personal religious identity has been marked by great ambivalence and haziness. To reify this a bit more, perhaps I could say that my religious identity has existed in a state that lies somewhere between agnosticism and mysticism, that is tinged with influences of Buddhism and Animism.

As convoluted as that may seem, my guess is that it wouldn’t be unusual for other LGBTQ people to find themselves fitting within their own complex religious framework. Certainly, beyond a religion that isn’t some amalgamation of various others or a form of universalism, I’ve always felt limited to a few religions.

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For me, this limitation led me to search for a religion that would defy my own notion of what could be a suitable religion for me. I didn’t want something that outwardly said, “Oh hey! You’re queer? We’re the LGBT church, come on in!” No, I’ve always been much too demure to ever want that kind of direct invitation. What I wanted was a religion that has always had a latent understanding that everyone was accepted no matter who you are or what you think, but at the same time has a tradition and a history.

And as if my search weren’t difficult enough, I wanted a religion that wasn’t

narrative

dogmatic and could be open to many interpretations of God and the meaning of our existence. What religion meets all of these qualifications? Perhaps I can give you a little hint. Does the old gentleman with the toothless smile on your favorite oatmeal box ring any bells?

If you said Amish you’re wrong, but if Quakerism was your answer, then bingo!

The beginnings of my interest in Quakerism began back in my hometown of South Jersey. The Philadelphia area, close to South Jersey, has been the historical heartland of Quakerism, and growing up in the area meant I’ve

photo by Matthew Pevear

always known about Quakers. I knew they weren’t some luddites who wore strange hats, and I had even attended a few of their meetings – during which I had a few enlightening religious experiences.

The first time I went to a Quaker meeting house, it felt like walking into a Church service that never started.

I could see little décor aside from a simple cross, so unnoticeable it seemed like it was intended to blend in with scenery. Then I turned my attention to the people in the room: everyone sat in complete silence, undisturbed and unwavering in their focus. The scene struck me as quite a different feeling than the look of anxiousness and moral damnation that I’m used to seeing in people at Catholic services. Finally, I sat down, and what I expected was for some pastor or priest to stand up and start preaching. But that’s not what happened. After a half-hour, I began to think that the service would never begin, and then finally some woman stood up and said, “We all have expectations of what everyone should be or do, but what we should all expect of one another is love, and nothing else.”

After that, she immediately sat down, and the only thing I could think was, “Gee that was a short service!”

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narrative

Not until afterward did I fully understood what I had just witnessed.

Unlike other religions, the Quakers have no formal setting of worship, leader or pastor, or planned service. Rather, people meet together in what some Quakers call a “circle of friends,” and sit and silence, and wait to hear the voice of God. When someone feels that he or she has discovered something worth sharing, he or she stands, shares his or her thoughts, and then sits back down. As I discovered later on, sometimes no one will stand up, but other times five or six people have something to share, and sometimes people will even sing.

After gaining a better understanding of the Quakers, I went to the next meeting prepared with different expectations, and ready to have my own revelation.

As I sat down and began to focus in silence, I quickly became aware of how difficult it can be to filter out the random thoughts in your head, and just listen in silence. The trivial thoughts that littered my mind amazed me.

“Do I want waffles later?” “I should paint my room green,” and “I really

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don’t like that person who sits in my statistics class,” were just some of the useless things stirring around in my head. Finally, my mind quieted, and for the first time in a while I was able to put my life into perspective.

The things important to me – my family, my boyfriend, and my friends – became apparent. Everything else was irrelevant. As I began to feel my emotions bubbling to the surface, I wanted to stand up and say something, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t quite ready.

Regardless of the fact that I didn’t say something, I left the meeting that day feeling ebullient. Perhaps I had heard the voice of God: did I experience some post-meditative bliss, or did it just feel good being in the presence of such peace? All I can say is that I believe the Quakers have a wonderful way of worshipping. Their sense of welcome and acceptance of all creeds, individuals and ideas sets Quakerism apart from many religions Perhaps it is this basic tenet that opens the Quaker’s minds and allows them to hear what is claimed to be the voice of God.

narrative

Rainbow

by Kassie Brabaw

I met a rainbow haired girl on the bus to my grandmother’s house.

It was her hair that first caught my attention as I waited silently at the station for my bus to arrive. I sat there, gazing at her for quite some time. As I watched her, I found myself wondering about her life. How had she come to have rainbow hair? Was it intentional, some kind of social protest perhaps?

She intrigued me, so I continued to watch her, taking note of her body language. She was almost like a statue, so static in her position. Her legs were crossed, eyes and hands preoccupied with her phone, but as I continued to watch her she glanced up at me with her bright green eyes and smiled, a quick flirty smile meant only for strangers.

We began to board the bus and I secretly hoped that it would be full, only then would it be acceptable for me to sit next to my green-eyed beauty, to learn her name and the secrets I was desperately longing to know. But the bus wasn’t full, in fact it was barely to half capacity, and social decorum dictated that she and I both sit alone.

She boarded first, which allowed me

to take the seat of highest advantage, two places back and on the right of her. This let me secretly watch her for the entire ride. I continued to contemplate her life. I imagined her as a social activist, standing up for rights of everyone, human, plant, and animal alike. In my mind she had dyed her hair in protest, perhaps against rules prohibiting taking another girl to prom; she looked young enough to be going to prom. I then began to imagine her life in the future, and how that life may involve me. We would live a life of adventure, always traveling to new places, but never the typical tourists.

We would wander off on our own, exploring caves and back roads. We would make love under a water fall, in a field of wildflowers, and anywhere else that suited our fancy. Then, when we tire of adventure, we would settle down and grow old together on our front porch swing, sipping iced tea with three or four little grandchildren in tow.

About halfway to my destination, the bus stopped outside a Burger King. The bus driver announced a 15 minute limit for a bathroom and food break. Initially I planned to stay on the bus, but when I saw my girl get up I knew this was my chance to live out my fantasies. I followed her into the restaurant, stood behind her in line, and watched as she ordered a triple cheeseburger with fries.

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narrative

So she’s definitely not vegetarian, I thought, but that’s not a deal breaker, I can work around it.

I quietly stepped out of line and followed the girl again, this time outside of Burger King, where she promptly lit up a cigarette. Uh oh, a smoker too! I thought again, but still not a big problem, especially if she is the amazing girl I imagined. Sliding up next to her, I slowly leaned my weight against the wall, making sure my eyes never met hers. She glanced at me again, her green eyes gleaming like a bright beacon of hope, and said, “You want a light?” “No thanks,” I politely replied, “I don’t smoke.” She shrugged at me and continued to stare straight ahead.

After a few more moments I decided to break the silence, “I’m sorry to bother

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you”, I said, “ but I’m just so intrigued by your hair! Why did you dye it that way?” My girl rolled her eyes over to me, gave a deep sigh and said, “I just thought it looked cool okay? And I wanted to piss off my mom.” My heart dropped in my chest. She was obviously not the girl I had been imagining for the past hour. She was not a social activist, so dedicated to her cause that she changed her physical appearance in protest, but just a silly young girl rebelling against her parents. We would not travel the world together or sit on a front porch swing as senile old women; she was not the epic love of my life time.

Our fifteen minutes were over so we boarded the bus once again. I resumed the same seat as before, but this time I leaned my head against the window and stared into the abyss.

poetry

This goes beyond what is definable. .ssik ruoy ni dna hcuot ruoy ni si tI It enters the realm of the unknown and of fear .elims ruoy ni dna seye ruoy ni si tI Of incessant worry and unnecessary complication.

The barrier that was built ,rethas nuoacnpurpose. e yreve htiw sniev ym hguorht secar taht gnileef eht ni si tI .htaerb yreve ,ecnalg yreve There comes a point in time when that it seems that that barrier can be demolished – because .ydob eritne ym hguorht nur taht sllihc eht si tI this is the time it will be different – tahw ton wonk eW this is the time that it is truly unique – hw heralding ro erutuf rand uo roallf syour dloh ti this is the time that it can’t fail because it is what all the songstaare taht si wonk od ew tahw tub ,otni hprom lliw ti friends are discussing – .emit dnthe a ecpage natsid fo syou tsethave eht dwritten natshtifor w nyourself ac dna ghas nirebeen vawnu si ti this is the time that you discover that co-authored for the past 20 years – Y .ytfail niatbecause recnu fo there tpecnis ocno ehother t seil ,way nwon knuthis ehtcan fo nbe oitofound n siht again. nihtiW this is the time that it,tecan’t that taht noissap reehs eht no desab ytniatrecnu fo tpecnoc siht etacidare ot smees ti .sessessop ti So the barrier falls. The why it crumbles is what’s indefinable.

It lies somewhere between comfort, trust, hope, faith, passion and the essence of what is truly genuine. .sevil ruo ,straeh ruo ,seidob ruo ,sdrow ruo ,gniyrc ruo ,gnihgual ruo ni si tI This is something ni tliubthat sihleads t taht to sllavulnerability w eht nwod and kaeruncertainty, b dna sraef yweakness m yawa eand kat udread. oy yaw eht si tI The knowledge that you have everything to lose sits in the background of each .ecmoment, alp tsrfi eht each scene, each sequence in what becomes your daily routine. There is an intricate on ti od ecaof lpnwhat ommthis oc ohas s sdbrought row eerhyou t esoand hT what .revelitc can wohtake rettaaway m on and - cirwhat otehr itdn oyethe b si tI interweaving has yaw eto ht make ni gniryou aeb become on ,ecne–uq noc on ,rettam on ,yas on sah noinipo cilbup ehT .ecitsuj power ofeswhat .su senfied dna su sepahs ti this can define your next action as – of how .noitan alpxerase e dna- cofigwhat ol fo syou timiknow l eht syou dnecknow snart tI this will remain with you like a scar that nothing can and what you know you will never have the benefit of knowing…better yet understanding. fo ytuaeb eht s’taht ,yaw a nI .elbacilpxeni si tI edoced reve nac nosrep eno toN .ti It is impossible to have your mind remain stagnant. terpretni ,ti You are constantly thinking, constantly analyzing and gniconstantly dnatsrednuaware neveof othow esolcthe emslightest oc ro ,ti of actions will transform into a much larger play thats plot is too twisted to even try to .ti rationalize. The moments when you cannot discern reality from a nightmare are the.siclosest tsuj tI things to a definition that are accessible to you. .ssilb – noitavitpac ,noitcartta ,noitome ,noitasnes eht ni si tI This is the most frightening of all. .era ereht won dna owt sekat tI This is what keeps you hooked.

This is something that is so complex and deep that the only way to explain anything is that …rof sehcraes su fo eno hcae – rof sgnol su fo eno hcae tahw si tI you can’t this at all. .ti evah I dna The feeling derived from all of this is so awesome and rich that it is inhumane to think that anyone should go through life in search of it or lacking it.

.tiorsi sihT When it is encountered it is so hard not think that there would be any downside drawback. Yet, there is no way to avoid how things feel or how they are destined to play out.

This is the way it is going to be.

This is how the circle is drawn.

This is what plagues my mind. nAnd ellA ylimthis E yb

is… fall 2011

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poetry

It is in your touch and in your kiss.

.elbanfied si tahw dnoyeb seog sihT - raef fo dna nwonknu eht fo mlaer eht sretne tI It is in your eyes and in your smile. .noitacilpmoc yrassecennu dna yrrow tnassecni fO sopruencounter, p a sah tliub saw taht reirrab ehT It is in the feeling that races through my veins with.eevery every glance, every breath. taht smees ti taht nehw emit ni tniop a semoc erehT esuaceb – dehsilomed eb nac reirrab taht – tnereffid eb lliw ti emit eht si siht We know not what – euqinu ylurt si ti taht emit eht si siht it holds ruoy llfor a dour na gfuture nidlareorh what era sgnos eht lla tahw si ti esuaceb liaf t’nac ti taht emit eht si siht it will morph into, but what we do know is that – gnissucsid era sdneirf it is unwavering neeb sah fand lesrucan oy rowithstand f nettirw ethe vahtests uoy tof ahdistance t egap ehand t revtime. ocsid uoy taht emit eht si siht – sraey 02 tsap eht rof derohtua-oc Within .niaga this dnunotion of eb nof acthe sihtunknown, taht yaw rlies ehtothe onconcept si ereht of esuuncertainty. aceb liaf t’naYet, c ti taht emit eht si siht it seems to eradicate this concept of uncertainty based on the sheer passion that it possesses. .elbanfiedni s’tahw si selbmurc ti yhw ehT .sllaf reirrab eht oS si tahw fo ecnesse eht dna noissap ,htiaf ,epoh ,tsurt ,trofmoc neewteb erehwemos seil tI It is in our laughing, our crying, our words, our bodies, our hearts, our lives. .eniuneg ylurt .daeyou rd dtake na ssaway enkamy ew ,fears ytniatand recnbreak u dna down ytilibathe renlwalls uv ot that sdaethis l tahbuilt t gnihintemos si sihT It is the way , t n e m o m h c a e f o d n u o r g k c a b e h t n i s t i s e s o l o t g n i h t y r e v e e v a h u o y t a ht egdelwonk ehT the first place. etacirtni na si erehT .enituor yliad ruoy semoceb tahw ni ecneuqes hcae ,enecs hcae It isehbeyond Those it rno t sah ti rhetoric tahw dn-a no yawmatter a ekathow nac clever. ti tahw d na uothree y thguwords orb saso h scommonplace iht tahw fo gnivdo aew etni justice. The public opinion has no say, no matter, no tconsequence, ahw fo – emocno eb bearing uoy ekain m the ot reway wop it shapes us and defines us. woh fo – sa noitca txen ruoy enfied nac siht It transcends wonk uoy wthe onklimits uoy tof ahlogic w fo -and esaexplanation. re nac gnihton taht racs a ekil uoy htiw niamer lliw siht .gnidnatsrednu tey retteb…gniwonk fo tfieneb eht evah reven lliw uoy wonk uoy tahw dna It is inexplicable. In a way, that’s the beauty of it. Not one person can ever decode .tnangats niamer dnim ruoy evah ot elbissopmi si tI it, interpret tseor thcome gils ehclose t wohto foeven erawaunderstanding yltnatsnoc dna gnizylana yltnatsnoc ,gnikniht yltnatsnoc era uoY it, o t y r t n e v e o t d e t s i w t oot si tolp staht yalp regral hcum a otni mrofsnart lliw snoitca fo it. tsejust solcis.eht era eramthgin a morf ytilaer nrecsid tonnac uoy nehw stnemom ehT .ezilanoitar It .uoy ot elbissecca era taht noitinfied a ot sgniht It is in the sensation, emotion, attraction, captivation – bliss. .lla fo gninethgirf tsom eht si sihT It takes two and now there are. .dekooh uoy speek tahw si sihT taht si gnihtyna nialpxe ot yaw ylno eht taht peed dna xelpmoc os si taht gnihtemos si sihT It is what each one of us longs for – each one of us searches for… t’nac uoy .lla ta siht and I have it.

It is the chills that run through my entire body.

taht kniht ot enamuhni si ti taht hcir dna emosewa os si siht fo lla morf devired gnileef ehT .ti gnikcal ro ti fo hcraes ni efil hguorht og dluohs enoyna

This isroit. edisnwod yna eb dluow ereht taht kniht ton drah os si ti deretnuocne si ti nehW .tuo yalp ot denitsed era yeht woh ro leef sgniht woh diova ot yaw on si ereht ,teY .kcabward .eb ot gniog si ti yaw eht si sihT .nward si elcric eht woh si sihT .dnim ym seugalp tahw si sihT

…si sbyihEmily t dAllen nA 12

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narrative

Two Clumsy People

Equal Perfection

by Rachael Card

An evening with you is all I need.

A slow walk down the west side highway, as I listen to the stories you tell me about your childhood, your fears, your secrets, and anything else that happens to escape your thoughts.

I’d simply listen because I can tell no one has ever listened before. Of course, I’d nod in response, say the appropriate yes and no’s, but you wouldn’t be able to begin to fathom what would be going on in the crevices of my mind.

Every smirk, and every smile with those beautiful lips, every look with those devious eyes, and every wiggle of that nose of yours drives me to the world in which only you and I reside.

I cannot wait until the day I can tell you this in grave detail in which you would understand. Until then I will stay by your side, stay because I know you wouldn’t have it any other way, stay because I love you, stay because actions speak louder than words. So I’ll be here, showing you the deepest desires of my heart; to make you the happiest woman alive…subconsciously.

A noise from the window interrupts my thoughts, I look up, and it’s just the wind. I fuckin’ hate the wind; it always manages to mess me up at the most vital moments. I look back down at my letter; it’s good, but not good enough.

This is the only girl that has ever had a hold on me. Why can’t I just look her in her beautiful, sparkling green eyes and tell her how I feel? The thought echoed in my mind until I heard the shower turn off. Dammit, it seems

like she’s only been in there for ten minutes! I glance up at the clock, its 11:00pm, it’s been well over half an hour. I scramble to make up the bed, put a shirt on and hide my letter. I rush to the bathroom door and knock.

“Is everything okay in there?” I ask. A moment later she replies, “Yes! I’ll be out in a sec!”

A sec came sooner than I thought. As I was fumbling with the door knob, she quickly opened the door and bumped into me; I immediately fell to the floor.

“Why are we so clumsy?” She asks, half giggling and smiling. Rubbing my head, I look up at her and I swear time stopped. Wrapped around her body was my favorite pink towel, with a hand drawn superman logo on it. Her long, curly, dark brown hair draped down her back, still wet and dripping from her shower. She was smiling at me waiting for an answer. I decide to tell her the first thing that came to my mind; “Because one clumsy person equals disaster but two clumsy people equal perfection.” I look at her and give her my cheesiest smile knowing what came out of my mouth was ridiculously corny.

She laughs, “You’re such a goofball, come here!” I take her hand and she pulls me up. She wraps her arms around me and I sink into her, fitting perfectly into the mold of her body. “See?” she whispers in my ear, “we fit like pieces of a puzzle, I told you, you were made for me.” I take in her scent, her touch, the way her skin feels on mine. I run my hands up her back... fall 2011

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sex & health

Adult World Wonders A seemingly shady store offers potential opportunities to spice things up.

by Sarah Foley

Many people probably assume that Adult World is just a sketchy strip club on Erie Boulevard.

However, it’s not just a strip club – it’s also a sex toy shop that has 19 locations across Pennsylvania and New York. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any less sketchy.

I’ve been to Adult World twice. The first time, I wanted to buy something; the second time I didn’t go in with that intention, but wound up getting something anyway. Let’s be honest – sex toys can make things more fun.

the awkwardness you inevitably feel while roaming the aisles, navigating your way around prematurely balding, overweight, middle-aged men.

The first time I went, my friend Kelsey and I walked in (after deliberately waiting for the stop light at the intersection to turn green) and hesitantly walked through the aisles of Adult World. As we looked around, we saw all the different vibrators, cock rings, bachelorette party favors, onesize-fits-all stripper outfits, BDSM paraphernalia, and the like. I had a specific toy that I was looking for, but I didn’t see it. It took all my courage to ask the saleswoman for help.

My first excursion to Adult World was with a fellow gay female friend of mine; the second was with a queer male friend. Both were marked by an intense amount of embarrassment walking both in and out. This was due to the fact that every car that was stopped at the red light right outside the store saw you walk in empty-handed and walk out with a little black bag.

“I was wondering if you could help me.

I’m looking for a strapless strap-on…”

The shady exterior of Adult World is a pretty accurate representation of the atmosphere inside. The entrance door has no window and no sign. The shop itself is dimly lit, and there is no ambiance or music to distract you from

“It’s a lesbian thing.”

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When I saw the confused look on the saleslady’s face, I knew I was going to have to go into more detail. Luckily, she was a friendly, outgoing black woman who had no shame in describing the benefits and setbacks of vibrators, so I loosened up a bit.

“Oh! Well we cater to all kinds of people and things, but I’m not sure we have anything like that…”

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From then on out, she thought Kelsey and I were two of the funniest patrons she ever had. She was thoroughly helpful, giving welcome advice to a first-timer (we learned that 4 speeds were better than 2 and that the raspberry lube doesn’t actually taste like raspberry). She let out a hearty laugh when I mentioned to Kelsey that the mere existence of “desensitizing throat spray” was unfortunate in and of itself. She even asked to learn more about what exactly a strapless strap-on was so that she could see if they could start to keep it in stock.

My second trip to the shop was much less exciting.

Granted, I didn’t out myself as gay, and I was accompanied by one of my guy friends who was looking anything but gay that day, yet overall the staff was considerably less approachable and friendly. Bryan and I walked in, after again waiting for the light at the intersection to turn green, and again hesitantly roamed the aisles. We spent most of our time in the novelty section, griping about the fact that the sex dice and the kinky truth or dare didn’t help

us queer folk much. I wound up with a pair of handcuffs, and we left.

I have to wonder whether or not my second venture to Adult World was less exciting because Bryan and I were not visible members of the LGBT community. We were merely seen as just two more straight patrons, and therefore members of Adult World’s dominant consumer base. That’s not to say that the bubbly saleswoman Kelsey and I encountered wouldn’t have been just as helpful had we been straight.

However, I think it’s safe to say that Adult World doesn’t see too many queer folk pass through on a daily basis.

Regardless of the staff you encounter, who you go with, or what you’re looking for, Adult World isn’t a terrible option if you’re looking to spice things up a little bit. They have a decent selection, considering the fact they’re in a small metro area, and the products turned out to be pretty good quality (if I do say so myself). I still have to try out those handcuffs, though… illustration by Natalya Linina

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The Nasty Monster

We Embrace

by Matty Bennett artwork by Jacob Corvelo

Frightening facts about eating disorders in the gay community hit close to home.

Coming out should be a freeing experience. It should be about discovering yourself and being accepted for who you truly are.

me trying to be healthy and lose weight,” Corvelo said, a junior sculpture major at Monseratt College in Massachusetts, “but once I started getting positive feedback, it turned into something different. I wanted to be smaller.”

Yet for many gay men, coming out has led to intense pressure and scrutiny from the gay community, specifically about body image.

The obsession with being skinny is a common theme for gay men. Often times it’s not about being healthy, it’s solely about being as thin as possible.

For Ethan Parisen, a senior Syracuse University finance major, that is a sentiment he knows all too well.

According to a study done by Columbia University in 2007, at least 15 percent of gay men experienced having an eating disorder. Compared to less than three percent for straight men, eating disorders and body dysmorphia have become widespread within the gay community.

For many, the road to an eating disorder can start off innocently enough, but turn into something much worse.

“At first it just started out with

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“Having a small waist and being able to fit into smaller clothes, and being fit and lean is idolized,” Parisen said.

Yet even with the pressures to be skinny, there are also pressures to be strong and masculine looking.

“You don’t know what you’re supposed to look like,” says Parisen. “You think so much

sex & health

about what other people want to see rather than what you want to be yourself.”

So where does all this confusion and pressure about body image stem from?

Cory Weaver, a mass communications PhD student at SU, believes the media, and specifically media geared toward the gay community, sends complicated messages.

“It’s hard to tell whether the media is telling us to think that we need to have perfect, hard bodies, or if that’s how we want the media to portray us.”

Either way, the media may have a hand in helping the community solve the problem of eating disorders and poor body image.

“The way to fix it would be to have a broader range of body types in gay media,” Weaver said. “Also, it’s important for everyone to know that you don’t have to fit an exact mold.”

Yet ironically that is something most gay men know. The problem is, they don’t care.

“We’re smart kids,” says Jake Hebert, a senior TRF major. “We know what to do to live a healthy lifestyle. We just don’t.”

Besides eating minimal amounts of food and going to the gym multiple times a day,

smoking, tanning, and drugs are frequently used in the community. Why? To look as thin as possible – health be damned.

“It’s a lifestyle,” Parisen said. “It’s not about health anymore. It’s not about is my health and wellness where it should be?

No. It’s is my body skinny? Can you see my ribs? Can you see my abs? It’s not about is my blood pressure good, or if I’m going to live a long, healthy life. I’ll tell people that to make them not worry about things, but that’s not true.”

Clearly, health is not at the forefront for many young gay males. And unless the community truly desires change for the better, things will not improve: the statistics will continue to reflect the dangerous lifestyle so many young men take part in.

“Everyone just wants to be liked or feel wanted,” Hebert expressed, honestly.

“Whether you feel wanted by getting laid, or smoking with the other kids because that’s what they’re doing, you just do it to fit in.”

Thus, until gay men feel wanted and accepted, eating disorders and unhealthy lifestyles will be a continuing trend in the gay community.

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FML at the Doctor’s Office

Being queer can often lead to some embarrassing moments...here are some of yours. illustrations by Melissa Smith

-Tori, Marketing, Management & EEE 2012

About six months ago I finally made the switch from using a pediatrician to actually going to an adult doctor that my parents also use. At my first visit with her, we had to take about 15 minutes to fill out all of the necessary paperwork regarding myself and my medical history. Finally, the awkward questions on the questionnaire came along like “Do you smoke marijuana, drink alcohol and do you have sex?” That final question made me pause and as she saw me hesitating my doctor asked “Are you having sex?” and encouraged me to be honest. Initially I said no until I spoke up and said the difficult sentence. “Well I am gay, so I do have sex but...not with a guy.” My doctor paused briefly as my heart raced but she replied charismatically, “Oh okay!

Sex is sex!” and we continued on normally, as if I told her I prefer Pepsi to Coke.

I was overseas in Taiwan visiting my boyfriend. Being the pragmatic couple that we are, we decided to get tested for HIV/STDs. For me, an individual with a longstanding fear of needles and blood, found this particularly challenging. When it was my turn to get blood drawn, my face quickly turned white and I ended up fainting. Fortunately for me though, when I regained consciousness, the nurse was there to cheer me up with a variety of condoms and flavored lubes!

-Anonymous, International Relations 2013

-Bryan, Architecture 2013

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I had been coughing for a week or so and the stuff from CVS wasn’t working anymore, so I decided I should go to the health center to get antibiotics. At this point I had not changed my name with the university and had an F on the gender marker. I was a year and a half on testosterone and had a full beard. So I am sitting in the room waiting for the nurse to come in and look at my throat. The door opens slowly and she was staring at the computer chart as she walked in and she says, “So Brigid, before we start is there any chance you’re pregna...” At that point she looks up at me, full beard and all, and abruptly turns and leaves. About 5 minutes later another nurse came in apologizing, explaining that the other nurse had walked into the wrong room. I answered with, “No, she didn’t. She just obviously didn’t know I’m trans.” To this day I don’t know what a sore throat and cough have to do with being pregnant.

q&a

Matthew Breen Editor-In-Chief, The Advocate Interview by Justin Dorsen

Matthew Breen leads his staff to produce a monthly serving of the latest LGBT focused, news, arts and entertainment, politics, and opinion for The Advocate magazine, the oldest LGBT monthly publication in the nation.

What is your favorite aspect about being EIC for the Advocate?

I get to see a slice of gay life. I work with so many talented reporters and editors who go out and report on their individual stories, and then, in the end, I get to see an overview. It is a really fantastic to see so many aspects of our cultures.

When you were in college, would you have considered yourself an advocate for LGBT rights?

No, I was not out when I was in college. I wish I had been, I came out right afterwards. I have always had a strong sense of fairness and in college; I was extremely interested in civil rights. However, I was not specially advocating for LGBT rights. Now, however, I am out and proud and a complete advocate.

How has the progression of the magazine mimicked the progression of LGBT rights?

Both The Advocate and LGBT rights have progressed over the years.

However, they have progressed in different ways. The Advocate progressed in the way that we deliver our news. Currently, a most of our news is online. I believe this mirrors our daily lives and the way organize and share our information. So much of our lives are shared on line, and because of this, our important stories can be found online as well. As a magazine, we try to pay special attention to celebrities coming out, and celebrating these announcements.

Why is it important to have a magazine like The Advocate?

In many ways members of the LGBT community are still special class citizens. The LGBT community has a specific and unique view of the world, and our individual experiences are different that the rest of our society. It’s important to maintain our sense of community through a publication. The Advocate serves as a medium for people to read about political events, the latest on LGBT rights, and arts and entertainment.

The publication really speaks to the community.

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What has been your biggest success as editor-in-chief?

My biggest success as editor in chief was hiring Diane Anderson-Minchall as the executive editor of the publication and Lucas Grindley as the online editor. They are incredibly smart and surpass my expectations everyday.

Who would The Advocate be if it the magazine were a person?

You couldn’t define The Advocate as a person. The idea that the entire LGBT is similar is a misnomer. We are a number of smaller communities within a larger community.

How do you handle your diverse readership within the LGBTQ community?

The challenge is specifically addressing the different communities and not blending the stories as one sub community and not pegging them as one personality. The community has a cult of personalities – the editors that I work with think about the LGBT experience from as many aspects as they can. They put themselves in the readers’ shoes, and look far and wide for applicable stories to cover. There is never enough time in the day, however, to cover everyone’s experiences and to balance topics about different LGBT communities.

“

Being editor in chief is an extremely tough job but I absolutely love working at The Advocate. Everyday I get to go to work and have a strong sense of mission, to advocate for the LGBT community. Every day I look forward to coming to work. Overall, I believe The Advocate has an impact on the legislation of the country as well as positive changes in the culture. As Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice,” and this is exactly what is happening for the LGBT community.

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photos by Daisy Chen

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Welcome to Discovering A Spiritual Subculture

by Gay Kassie Men Brabaw of Radical

by Kassie Brabaw

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Faeridise

Imagine yourself in a Tennessee airport. You are surrounded by people scurrying about in their busy lives, desperate to find their next location.

You slowly look around, noting the way people walk, how they dress, but mostly how they carry themselves.

Suddenly, you see him. He is your kindred spirit. He carries himself with confidence, so incredibly sure of who he is and how he is moving through life. You watch as he heads toward the airport’s back exit. You follow him from a distance, hoping he is who you are looking for.

Outside the airport, the man stops at the sidewalk and slowly looks up and down the street. You watch him in the background and when a large white van pulls up alongside him, you move forward.

The driver looks at both of you and quietly says, “Are you going to Short Mountain?”

You and the man both reply affirmatively.

Immediately, the van door opens to reveal several other men. You climb in and the driver takes off, as the jitters in your stomach begin to rise in anticipation. You can’t believe you’ve made it. You are on your way to your first Radical Faerie gathering.

Who The Hell Are The Radical Faeries?

Radical Faeries are a group of predominately gay men who believe that sexuality is inherently connected to spirituality. This connection between their queer identity and spirituality is

their only common characteristic. They are not cookie-cutter versions of one great Faerie master, but instead a collection of individuals who share common beliefs.

Many Faeries are Pagan. They can be feminists, healers, bards, wizards, or shaman. They believe in the sacredness of nature and the Earth. Radical Faeries also believe in the interconnectedness of the spirit to the mind, and of the heart to the sexual and physical being.

Giddyup, a Radical Faerie from Denver, explained that a majority of Radical Faeries are feminists because feminism is about having the rights to decide what you want to be. According to him, “That is what radical self-expression is all about.”

Another characteristic of Radical Faeries is reclaiming the word “faggot,” which Giddyup says is a commonly used term in the community. “We do not take it as a derogatory word,” he said. “We are proud of who we are and we accept who we are even if others don’t.”

Not one Faerie represents all of these beliefs or identities, but each Faerie is some combination. “We are self-defining,” a faerie on RadFae.org said. “We each choose to be who we are, and there is no authority but our hearts.”

History Lesson: Faerie Style In 1979, Harry Hay, original founder of the Mattachine Society, and Don Kilhefner, director of the Los Angeles Gay Community Services Center, came together to found the Radical Faerie community.

Their first advertisement was a flyer, titled “A Call to Gay Brothers,” which asked them “(t)o share new insights about

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ourselves; To dance in the moonlight; the Radical Faeries of Denver can go, hang To renew our oaths against patriarchy/ out, and cook at any point during the day. corporations/racism; To hold, protect, He said that Sanctuary Sunday is a nurture, and caress one another; To talk “safe place where Faeries can be honest, about the politics of gay enspiritment/the express themselves, and connect with one enspiritment of gay politics; To find the another without a fear of disrespect.” healing place inside our heart.”

Other tribes use different forms of The men’s initial goal of attracting 50 Sanctuary, such as an actual camp set people for their first meeting was far aside for Faerie meetings. Blue Heron surpassed when nearly two hundred men Farm in Dekalb, New York is the closest showed up. camp sanctuary to Syracuse. According to Khrysso Heart, who has been a Faerie the Sanctuary description on since 1994, wrote, “Hay, for one, had RadFae.org, “Blue Heron Farm is owned apparently said along the way that a by a Faerie couple who went to the first movement was not what Faerie gatherings and he had envisioned at this have been holding a The men’s initial first gathering of faeries Radical Faerie gathering goal of attracting qua faeries, a movement every year in August (gay fifty people for their men only, usually around is essentially what developed.”

50 Faeries) since 1980.” first meeting was Over the years, the When it is not far surpassed when Radical Faerie community geographically viable nearly two hundred has grown to encompass for a Faerie tribe to Faeries showed up. get together, they use circles across the United States and visible electronic means of communities in Thailand, Germany, Sanctuary — like tribe.net and an email France, the United Kingdom, Canada, circle on RadFae.org. Through emails and and Australia. collective comments, Faeries are able to share recipes, tips, stories, and feelings.

A Very Faerie Sanctuary In order for Radical Faeries to express Free Your Heart themselves without outside judgment, Other than Sanctuaries, Radical Faeries they must be able to come together in safe periodically come together in what is spaces known to them as “Sanctuary.” their defining event: Faerie Gatherings.

According to Giddyup, the idea of Gatherings are typically in the wilderness, Sanctuary is something that is defined by separated from all civilization. Here, each tribe, which is a collection of faeries Radical Faeries are allowed to be free who share the same beliefs. among their peers with no social restraint For his tribe in Denver, Giddyup said or judgment. they have Sanctuary Sunday, which Radicalfaeries.net describes these happens each week at the house of one of events as allowing Faeries to “experience the Faeries in the tribe. It is a space where the joy of Heart Circles, to celebrate

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the Seasons of the year, to Drum and inclusive of other identities. Giddyup Dance together, have sex, share make-up hypothesizes that this phenomenon is tips, plan actions as Drag activists and closely related to the hippie movement in contribute in Innumerable ways to the the late 70s to early 80s.

Liberation of Queer Consciousness.”

He said that Short Mountain, one of Though all gathering activities are the most influential of Faerie gathering equally important, spaces, was once One critisicm of the Faerie Heart Circles are most a hippie sanctuary. community is that they are too In the early 1980s, conducive to interexclusive, historically limiting Radical Faeries began Faerie bonding. In a Heart Circle, a group their members to biologically to move in and Short of Radical Faeries use Mountain slowly born gay men. Since the a talisman to indicate became a place for mid-80’s, however, the the Faerie who is Faerie gatherings. community has been more allowed to speak.

The queer hippies inclusive of other identities.

Anyone has the ability who once occupied to take the talisman, but is only allowed to that space remained on the land, and speak if he is speaking from the heart. eventually assimilated into Faerie culture.

Speaking from the heart is hard to However, these hippies were not all gay define, even for a Radical Faerie. They say men. Soon, other tribes began to allow they know when it happens and when it other non-gay male, yet still queer, Faeries does not. Fellow Faeries listen intently as to join their ranks. the one with the talisman shares his story, Although Radical Faerie tribes are offering silent support and compassion. still predominately gay male, it is not “Many of us have had some or our most uncommon to find a lesbian, transgender deeply emotional, healing, transformative man or woman, genderqueer, or otherwise experiences in Heart Circle,” one Radical identified Faerie.

Faerie on RadFae.org said. “A heart circle can go on for a long time. It’s So, You Wanna Be A Faerie? generally okay to join the circle in progress The most effective way to join a Radical (between speakers, as the talisman is Faerie community is to immerse yourself passed), to take a break, or to leave into the society. Go to a gathering, join in entirely, although the reason they go on so a Heart Circle, or contribute to a potluck long is that they’re so wonderful nobody dinner. If you are uncomfortable jumping wants to leave.” right into the culture, go to www.RadFae. org for a list of upcoming gatherings, Not A Gay Man? Not A Problem. circles closest to you, and sanctuaries One criticism of the Faerie community you can join. For local information, join is that they are too exclusive, historically “Faerycuse: CNY Radical Faeries,” a limiting their members to biologically born Facebook group for the Faeries of gay men. Since the mid-80s, however, Central New York. the community has been becoming more

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al•ly (n.)

On a routine trip to Wegman’s, Dr. Francine D’Amico, a professor and director of Undergraduate Studies in International Relations at Syracuse University, picked up a Thanksgiving greeting card.

On its cover was a family around the dinner table, about to dig into their meal.

The inside of the card read, “It is time to put aside the differences and get together with the family.” D’Amico curiously opened the card and was struck with an image of two female members of the family holding hands.

This card was portraying them as lesbians. The lesbian couple was the “problem,” and the family had a day set aside for overlooking that “problem.”

These greeting cards mocked the LGBTQ community. D’Amico battled with what to do. Tell a manager? Do nothing?

She decided to take action. D’Amico picked up all the cards and hid them away so no one could buy them.

D’Amico considers herself to be an ally to the LGBTQ community, a term that fluctuates in meaning. But, one part of the definition stays the same: Ally: (n.) someone who doesn’t directly identify as LGBTQ but still supports and advocates for the community as a whole.

What makes an ally a good one? Are they

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stuck inside the box of the definition?

Junior Michael Tassini, ally and the Director of Finances for campus LGBTQ advocacy group Pride Union, weighed in on how being an ally surpasses simply being accepting of the LGBTQ community.

“It’s more than that,” he states. “That’s just being a good person. To be an ally, you have to break down the barrier that says you don’t identify with the LGBTQ community directly; to say that to be an activist, to change for that community, is part of your identity.”

Tassini adds that this ally identity means that allies should put a distance between themselves and their privilege in support of equality by immersing themselves where they become the minority group.

The notion of identity is something allies believe to be critical when it comes to relating to the LGBTQ community.

“It’s important to fight against discrimination without saying I completely understand, because in actuality, I don’t,” SU alumna Meena Haque says. Haque touches on an issue that many allies face.

Because they are not LGBTQ identified, the LGBTQ community might believe that these allies do not understand their issues to the fullest extent. Haque acknowledges this and says that even though she may not completely understand what it is like to be LGBTQ, she is still willing and happy to fight for equality.

She is not the only one who does this.

Tassini also fights against discrimination and says one of the most important things is stopping people from using anti-LGBTQ

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The definition of being a good ally by those who take a stand. words. “Anytime you hear something going on and stop it, it still helps,” he says. “I feel that an aggregate of those times matter.”

It does not just stop at halting people from making anti-LGBTQ jokes or statements. Being an ally continues into everyday life. “For me, it’s hard to figure out where I don’t do ally work. I don’t have a picture of my partner on my desk. For some people, that’s a risk,” D’Amico says.

If you haven’t noticed from her statement, D’Amico doesn’t call her spouse her husband, but instead her partner. In society, the term partner is typically reserved for the LGBTQ community – D’Amico fights against these norms in support of the community.

As a professor, D’Amico finds it easier to expose people to the LGBTQ community.

In the classroom, she speaks of rejecting one’s hetero-privilege and explores sexual minorities within the world.

“I want to move the middle; disturb the privileged,” she says. “And to do that, you have to do it in all spaces where it’s unexpected. It’s an obligation.”

The LGBT Resource Center conducts one and a half hour ally development training sessions upon request. Potential allies discuss what they know about the LGBTQ community, go over terms as pertaining to the community, and talk about resources available on campus, such as the LGBT Studies Program and New 2 Quse. The sessions also cover what an ally can do to help the community.

Danielle Sutton, graduate assistant at

the LGBT Resource Center, is part of the ally development training program. “Don’t assume the sexual orientation of another person,” Sutton says. “Stereotypes are just that—stereotypes. Even when a person is in what you think is a heterosexual relationship, they can still be LGBTQ.” Some other points that are stressed are to use inclusive and non-gendered speech, to validate people’s gender expressions by asking them how they identify, educate oneself about LGBTQ history, culture, and concerns, and give visibility to LGBTQ issues and experiences. Sutton, as well as other ally development trainers, goes over these essential topics so allies-to-be can understand their roles.

With all these ally duties, one may feel that being an ally can be difficult.

Haque is one of many who have felt that difficulty. “I get called names for being an ally,” she says. “Growing up, people used to call me a ‘fag’ and ‘dyke.’ People assumed I was a lesbian, but I still felt it was important to be an activist.”

Discrimination from a homophobic society isn’t the only form of discrimination allies may face. Some feel it from the LGBTQ community, too.

Tassini says, “[allies] also have to be open to, and willing to work through, the exclusivity they’ll face from some parts of the LGBTQ community as straight people trying to enter a community and space that was created in opposition to the way cis-gendered straight people viewed and treated LGBTQ people.”

Nevertheless, allies have found their

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own way to the community. For some, the process of understanding is something that develops over time.

“All I knew was gay, lesbian, and bisexual [in high school],” Tassini says. “I had no idea about the difference between transgender and transsexual. I was probably a poor ally in high school.”

Being an ally is about this growth, but it is also about being part of the community when it comes to acting for equality.

“Allies definitely help out the LGBTQ community through showing support and also by standing up as someone in the privileged group saying that this [inequality] is not okay,” says Sutton.

“I think it’s important to stand in solidarity with people without overshouting them,” says Haque.

D’Amico also says that this act of speaking up for the LGBTQ community is one of the most important roles of an ally.

“Stand up for what’s right!” D’Amico says. “Do the right thing. That’s what an ally does. They have to stand up and use their voices. Otherwise, it authorizes and legitimizes it [inequality]. There can’t be a silent majority.” photo illustration by Jill Stromberg

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q&a

Kim Dill

Executive Director, SAGE Upstate Interview by Yiwei Wu

SAGE stands for Services and Advocacy for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Elders. Kim has a young heart and a life full of experience.

The conversation with Kim was like drinking a glass of old red wine, rich and exciting.

What’s your best memory of a pride march?

I’d have to go back to my first pride parade in around 1984. I’ll never forget that we marched down to the State House, and whoever was putting on the event said “Now we are going to play music and you can dance, so that everyone can tell people that you danced with your partner on the State House.” It was just huge! That we got to do something so visible was pretty awesome. It made me feel a lot different about who I was. If you can celebrate who you are in a world that you are likely to be [ostracized], that’s political. There are always some people like me who get to the parade and feel like they belong to something.

You said history gives SAGE people lots of stories to tell, can you share some with us?

I don’t want to sound all grim since there are many stories that come to my mind that are very sad. The most exciting thing about the people we serve is that so many of them are out there and doing it – biking, single, with a partner, whatever – having fun, really. Coming to SAGE and building a world they want to see.

Who are the gay icons of your age?

Madonna, she’s a phenomenon, and pro-gay. Martina [Navratilova], I couldn’t believe how someone could be an out lesbian and a tennis star.

I don’t even like tennis, but I would get up at 6 a.m. to see Martina play.

And her girlfriend would be at the stand, and it would show, it was like “Oh my god, this is like regular life.”

What do you think of queer life now?

I’m sure it’s better. We’ve made huge strides. However, there are still a lot of people who get harassed, and beaten up and have bad things happen to them. If you are in a major city like Syracuse, you can usually find some resources. But in some places in the middle of nowhere, you

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might feel like you’re living in the 60s. The difference now is that there are resources. When you talk about trans people, there’s much more to do. Here in New York, people get fired because they are trans. I don’t think people understand that. We’ve come a long way, but we’ve got a long way to go.

Can you give us some tips to confront work place discrimination?

It’s easier for an ally to address it. If someone says, “That’s so gay,” you can question him or her, “So they are gay, is that relevant?” There are more positive people today, because as more people come out, more people realize that they have LGBT friends, family members, neighbors and co-workers. It affects not just LGBT people; it affects families and friends, too. But if someone doesn’t feel like their family or work place is ready for it, you can’t force that. In the same way, you can’t tell people that if someone has an anti-gay joke, you have to do something about it.

That person has to feel out the situation.

“

Remember we are all different, that’s what makes it great. Celebrate the difference.Someone said, “When one group is not free, then no group is free.

If one group is oppressed, then everyone is oppressed.”

We’re all in this together. If one is held down, we all hurt.

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politics

Queer Events of 2011 UK Ends Law Prohibiting Gay Men From Donating Blood The UK Government announced on September 8 that it would lift the lifetime ban on men who have sex with men giving blood, replacing it with a one-year deferral period. Men who have had either oral or anal sex with other men now must wait a year before being eligible to give blood. Chris Ward, co-founder of Liberal Democrats Against the Blood Ban, laments the policy’s discriminatory nature. He notes that the new twelve-month deferral is solely based on homosexual acts, and not nearly just behavior that is proven especially risky.

Marriage Equality in New York New York became the sixth country in the United States to pass legislation changing the government’s definition of marriage to include same-sex relationships. Officially titled the Marriage Equality Act, the bill permits genderneutral marriages for same-sex and opposite-sex couples. Key players in the fight for legalization made sure that the religious exemptions in the bill were extensive and specific enough to dissuade its opponents from questioning its legality.

End of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell After nearly 18 years of service members being given dishonorable discharges because of their sexuality, the United States Military has ceased its discriminatory policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” President Barack Obama signed the repeal of DADT into law on December 22, 2010. The law officially expired on September 20. Equal rights activists around the country celebrated in response. The military has already begun accepting openly gay recruits.

Soldiers are beginning to scout for recruits in LGBTQ settings, such as schoolrun GSAs and LGBTQ resource centers.

United Nations Passes First LGBT Rights Proposal The United Nations passed a resolution calling for the condemnation of discriminatory acts against LGBTQ people. Proposed by South Africa, it is an unprecedented policy that will become the first international endorsement of LGBTQ rights. The vote passed 23-19, with support mainly coming from Western nations like the European Union, the United States and several Latin American countries.

Many African and Arab nations opposed, with a Nigerian delegate stating, “We are dealing with a matter that falls outside of human rights.” The review of anti-LGBTQ discrimination and the specifics of the new policy are expected to finish by 2012.

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Moral Hatred The Spread of Homophobia in Africa

by Vittorio DiVentura

With the legalization of equal marriage rights in conservative Iowa, the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and numerous other LGBTQ victories throughout the United States, the nation seems to be moving inexorably toward an era of social justice and equality.

Even the socially conservative seem to be beginning to realize these inevitable gains.

Despite all these victories, the reality for many LGBTQ communities throughout the developing world is much bleaker.

In Africa in particular—a continent ravished

by Colonialism and cultural imperialism—gay legislation is best described as medieval in many places and people’s attitudes towards homosexuality seem to match. The roots of Africa’s homophobia can be traced back to the Age of Imperialism, when European missionaries established sodomy laws in places where homophobia was nonexistent.

Today, many of these antiquated laws still exist in postcolonial Africa, and after years of inculcated moral ideology, homophobia has become just another facet of certain cultures.

For many LGBT communities within those countries, the battle being waged is not over the right to marry or to adopt children, but rather the right to exist. Oftentimes the people who are fighting this battle are either

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illustration by Jill Stromberg

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violently forced into submission or stomped out altogether.

Homophobic animosity in Uganda has reached a climax. In 2009, a bill was introduced that would make homosexuality a crime punishable by death. Pastor Martin Ssempa — one of the bill’s primary backers — pushed for the bill by using distasteful propaganda techniques, including displaying gay pornography in churches and other religious centers. He used these tactics not only to push the bill, but also to propagate an image that portrayed gays as sick and mentally unwell. Moreover, the matter has been exacerbated by American missionaries, who see the events unfolding in Uganda as an opportunity to rekindle the dying flame of their own campaign against homosexuality.

The culmination of these events has resulted in a modern-day Salem Witch Trial. The bill has still not been decided upon.

Other instances of such vehement homophobia are not limited to Uganda. In Sudan and Mauritania, homosexuality is punishable by death. In other countries, it is punishable by fines and jail time ranging from a few years to life. This lack of legislation regarding gay rights throughout African societies is very telling of the long way we have to go for global equality. And perhaps more importantly, the situation in Uganda is indicative of how hateful discourse and dialogue can incredibly impact a society’s ethos and culture.

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A Different Kind of Closet Queer undocumented immigrants face the challenge of coming out in more than one way

by Jayne Jaramillo

Under the U.S. Immigration and Nationality Act, U.S. citizens and legal permanent residents can sponsor their spouses, along with other immediate family members, for immigration purposes.

However, the same-sex partners of U.S. citizens and permanent residents are not considered “spouses.”

As a result, hundreds and possibly thousands—the numbers are unclear—of lesbian and gay couples are kept apart or are forced to stay together illegally.

Sometimes one partner may have a legal status, while the other is forced to remain in the country illegally and live in constant fear of deportation.

The Uniting American Families Act (UAFA) was introduced in 2009 as a possible solution to this problem. UAFA would allow U.S. citizens and lawful permanent residents to sponsor their same-sex partners by adding the category of “permanent partner” to the application process instead of just “spouse.” Samesex couples would require the same burden of proof as married couples.

But as of 2010, it had not gained the votes necessary to pass. Lack of legislation leaves same-sex partnerships in limbo, with no status and no legal way to attain it, as is the case with Juan Rodriguez.

Rodriguez was brought to the United

States by his parents when he was just six years old. “Due to my sexual orientation, I felt as if I had to come out of the closet twice in high school: first as a young man with sexual interests in men, and then as an undocumented student,” he writes in a blog for dreamactivist.org. “Neither of these two instances helped my life in high school—degraded by the school jocks for my orientation and degraded by the administration for my legal status.”

Rodriguez graduated from high school ranked fourth out of a class of 500 students, but was told he would have no future. “I felt that in one field I had to struggle to be accepted for who I am,” he wrote. “And in the other, I was told that my existence in this country at all was a criminal act.” Rodriguez’s partner, Felipe Matos, is also undocumented. Matos, who identifies as bisexual, was brought to the United States from Brazil when he was in middle school.

Matos was accepted to Miami Dade

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College, but because of Florida state laws, was charged tuition as an international student.

“The most painful part of this experience came upon my graduation,” Matos writes in his blog. “I am part of the 2008 All USA First Team and a New Century Scholar representing Florida and I couldn’t finish my bachelor’s degree because I could not afford the high cost of my education in the university level.”

In 2010, both Rodriguez and Matos walked, with fellow students, on the “Trail of Dreams,” from Miami to Washington D.C., in support of the DREAM Act; legislation that would allow students brought to the U.S. as children to attain legal status. The DREAM Act did not gain enough votes to pass Congress, but some states, including California, have adopted versions of it.

Recently, Jose Antonio Vargas, a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, wrote an article in New York Times Magazine where he

confessed he was undocumented.

Vargas was brought to the United States when he was 12 but did not realize his green card was fake until he tried to get a driver’s permit at 16 and was told to leave and never come back by a DMV worker.

He came out during his junior year of high school during a discussion about Harvey Milk in his history class. He became the only openly gay student in his high school.

“Tough as it was, coming out about being gay seemed less daunting than coming out about my legal status,” he wrote in his article. “I kept my other secret mostly hidden.”

After the publication of his article, Vargas founded defineamerican.org, which he hopes will help start the conversations about what it means to be “American” and how to fix our broken immigration system.

According to the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, there were an estimated 10 million undocumented immigrants living in the United States as of January 1, 2009. That means millions of people are living an alternate reality— one they can’t escape.

“I am still an undocumented immigrant,” Vargas wrote, “And that means living a different kind of reality.

It means going about my day in fear of being found out. It means rarely trusting people, even those closest to me, with who I really am.”

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GAGaga

LGBTQ community dethrones perceived leader via the Internet

by Donovan Smolenyak

Since “Just Dance” hit the charts in 2008, the music industry has been gaga for Lady Gaga.

She has broken records across the board and has changed the way younger generations view pop culture, art, and individuality. She has attempted to take her gay fans – especially her young gay fans – under her wing and fight of their rights via anti-bullying campaigns and announcements at her shows. In spite of this connection between Lady Gaga and her gay fans, some gay men don’t feel that Lady Gaga’s crusade for tolerance is entirely righteous. Her make-up and costumes cover up more than a big heart.

They even took their campaign to the Internet. The website, gaysagainstgaga. tumblr.com, isn’t trying to turn people against Gaga. They aren’t trying to aimlessly rip apart her performances, lyrics, and interviews. The blog and its creators only mean to open consumers’ eyes to what they are supporting. While Lady Gaga preaches about expressing tolerance and equality through artistic performance and shock value, Gays Against Gaga, or GAGaga, examines the possible roots of said art.

For instance, Lady Gaga presented herself at the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards as her drag alter-ego, Jo Calderone.

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The Jersey-born persona wore a simple white T-shirt and black jacket, and had a slicked-back Danny Zuko mop. He smokes.

He drinks. He’s a total badass. If this were the 1970s, he and John Travolta definitely would’ve been chums. What most people don’t know about this performance is that it was done before. As GAGaga points out, Annie Lennox performed the same genderbending idea in 1984. In protest you may say, “But that’s how art works! Artists borrow from other artists and evolve.”

“Not like this,” argues GAGaga. GAGaga believes in credit being given where credit is due. Who would argue with that? It’s one thing to admit having been inspired by Madonna and every look, style, or mantra that she has had over the years. It’s another to copy something almost exactly and play it off as soul-searching art.

The writers at GAGaga also feel that Lady Gaga, is too easily forgiven for her word choicse just because she is a lyricist. As my mother always said, “If you need to use bad words, you don’t really know what you’re trying to say.”

It’s disheartening when Lady Gaga uses words like “retarded” in interviews, especially when she claims to be campaigning for acceptance. Gaga also refers to her most loyal followers as “the gays.” While this term implies a close-knit relationship between “Mother Monster” and her biggest group of fans, some of these “gays” feel that the word

illustration by Kristen Leonard

has a negative connotation. For someone that prides herself on accepting every individual for the way they were born, she’s quick to clump large demographics into a single term.

John Duff, a Syracuse University alumnus, has an entry on GAGaga’s website dedicated to New York City Pride becoming Gaga Pride.

“You’re a straight white woman, you don’t know shit about being bullied,” he yells in the video.

Although the video is consistent with GAGaga’s frustration with Lady Gaga’s anti-bullying crusade, GAGaga uses this as an example of what they do NOT aim to do. “Gaga’s own sexuality is not relevant to the reason we criticize her,” says the blog.

GAGaga is not the only blog dedicated

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to the criticism of our “Lady Libertarian.”

Other blogs, like gagacheat.blogspot.com, are much more malicious in attacking the pop icon for just about anything they can, like posting unflattering pictures to “expose what Lady Gaga really is.” It is these kinds of posts, as seen with the entry that features Duff, that GAGaga attempts to avoid.

As much as they post about Gaga’s artistic discrepancies, they also post blogs in her defense. GAGaga is not attempting to condemn her for what she is. Rather, they are trying to condemn her for who she says she is, but isn’t. The blog “collects dissenting voices” and proposes the debate over Gaga, but leaves it to the critical eye of the beholder to make up one’s own mind.

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Greater Than Gaga

Our A&E Editor Katie Dupere breaks down six current icons to admire before Mother Monster

Cher Cher has been the default gay icon for years. Her songs make an excellent soundtrack for any drag queen performance. The acknowledgment and support from her gay fans is fantastic. Her ally status was truly tested when her child, Chaz, recently came out to her as transgender.

Though Cher admits that she had a difficult time with Chaz’s transition at first, she has grown to be incredibly accepting and supportive of her son. Cher is a great example of a strong, active ally. But more importantly, she is a role model as a loving mother of a trans child.

Tim Cook Cook recently became the CEO of Apple after the late Steve Jobs stepped down from the position. Now being called the most powerful gay man in the world, Cook is running an empire. An icon for gay advancement in the business world, Cook is the leader of the team that brought you such classics as the iPod, iPhone, iPad and Mac computers. The dedicated businessman is reported to have a killer work ethic and undying love for his job, making him a definite iCon.

RuPaul RuPaul helped bring drag to the masses through 1990 dance-pop hit songs. As his celebrity grew, RuPaul gained a stint as a MAC Cosmetic model in his early career, making him the first drag queen supermodel. More recently, he has helped other queens come to center stage through the hugely successful television shows “RuPaul’s Drag Race” and “RuPaul’s Drag U.” He is the face for the underrepresented art of drag, bringing gender bending into mainstream media.

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Neil Patrick Harris Neil Patrick Harris may be one of the most popular television stars of recent years. Currently charming audiences on the hit show, “How I Met Your Mother” as ladies man Barney Stinson, Harris is known for his acting chops and respectable singing abilities. Just over a year ago, Harris and his partner, David Burtka, started the most adorable family ever with the addition of their two twins.

The model for a successful personal and professional life, Harris also advocates for LGBTQ equality by participating in the efforts of organizations like the It Gets Better Project and The Trevor Project.

Cyndi Lauper Cyndi Lauper, a prominent activist and ally for the LGBTQ community, is involved with several LGBTQ campaigns and organizations, including a current line of lip color for MAC Cosmetics that gives all profits to AIDS research. Aside from this involvement, she started her own organization, the True Colors Fund, which mainly serves as an avenue to help end LGBTQ youth homelessness. A branch of this organization is Lauper’s Annual True Colors Tour, which encourages political activism for LGBTQ rights. She also launched the Give A Damn campaign in April 2010, which educates about LGBTQ issues.

Ellen DeGeneres Ellen DeGeneres has paved the way for gay personalities in current media. She was one of the first major television actors to step out of the closet in the late 1990s. Since then, DeGeneres has become profoundly successful. She is the host of a popular talk show and has an admirable relationship with wife, Portia de Rossi. DeGeneres is an activist who transcends the gap between LGBTQ-identified people and straight-identified people. Not only did she star as the voice of Dory from “Finding Nemo,” but she is also an important voice from the LGBTQ community to mainstream America. Hilary Clinton recently appointed DeGeneres as the US Government’s Special Envoy for Global AIDS Awareness. illustrations by Emmett Baggett RuPaul illustration by Jill Stromberg

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Are You Friends With Judy...or Dorothy?

The difference between the iconic character and the woman who portrayed her.

by Katie Dupere

You are standing in the midst of a celebration.

Cheering people, confetti, loud music — the whole nine yards. Everything is rainbow-clad, drag queens are everywhere, you have glitter in your eyes, and everyone you ever hooked up with is within a onemile radius. It is the gay pride parade on Main Street, USA. Oh, the wonder!

A float comes sailing down the street with a drag queen displayed like a wedding cake topper. She mouths along with a quivering voice to the popular gay anthem, “Somewhere Over The Rainbow.”

“Oh, Judy,” the man next to you in booty shorts swoons, “She is such an icon.”

Hold up, scantily dressed, Judy Garlandlover. Who exactly are you admiring?

Judy Garland is known as an icon for the gay community. Being an icon to mostly gay men, she is noted for having the title because of her personal struggles that gay fans relate to in their own lives. She is also known for her talent as a performer and status as a camp figure. These are all fantastic things, but they give her no gay icon cred. What the hell did Judy do for the gay community? Sure, there were reports her father was gay and that she was surrounded by gay men, including musical trainer and friend, Roger Edens.

But Garland herself did not really show

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any advert support for gay fans. In fact, she sometimes showed the opposite.

In a 1967 interview on The Tonight Show, Garland was asked her opinion on a previously published article which stated she had a tendency to attract gay fans. She stated that she thought it was ridiculous that people drew this parallel. She then attacked the interviewer of the article, stating, “She also has a few problems of her own. Talk about homosexuals. Well, she was a fella, so we’ll say that.” She then goes on to say that such accusations are against her audience, stating, “I’ll be damned if I have my audience mistreated.”

So is Garland a real gay icon? In this interview, she does not seem to defend gay members of her audience. Rather, she defends her audience from being labeled as gay, as if being gay is a bad thing. A true gay icon would not do that.

A gay icon would state they didn’t care if their audience was gay. And they would certainly not accuse interviewers of being “fella-like” as a euphemism for acting like a lesbian (whatever that means). They also would not take the label of gay as an insult, claiming their audience was being mistreated by having that label thrown on them.

At the very most, you could consider Garland a passive supporter of her gay fans. But she certainly was never caught

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saying, “Huzzah, my gay fans are fantastic!”

If you want the true gay hero, you may want to turn your attention to the character Garland played in the timeless classic, “The Wizard of Oz.” Frolicking down the yellow brick road of Oz, this character was a true gay icon. Befriending misfits along her merry way, helping these outcasts find their missing pieces, fighting a defiant Oz — Dorothy kicked ass and took names. She never let the man, or the Wicked Witch, bring her down. She fought for her right to return home and for her friends’ rights to get what they were lacking, all while in a pair of sparkly red heels. Dorothy was a fantastic ally to those around her. She sang about rainbows and better days. What isn’t to love?

And she took good care of her dog— which is totally unrelated to how Dorothy is a stellar gay icon, but who doesn’t love Toto?

Garland was lucky to play the role of such an iconic character. Any actress could have landed that role and been therefore branded a gay icon. Dorothy is everything the gay community needs in an ally, but Garland simply portrayed the character on screen. Though she is a phenomenal actress, one should not confuse the beliefs and actions of Dorothy with those of Garland herself. If anyone deserves recognition as an ally, it

is the person who penned the character of Dorothy and not the performer. And if anyone deserves to be labeled a gay icon, it is Dorothy and not Judy.

There is no doubt that both Garland and Dorothy have impacted the gay community. The problem is the two often get clumped into one entity when they should be separate. So, next time you are citing your favorite gay icons, rethink if you are really in love with Garland or just with who she portrayed on the silver screen.

illustration by Sean Basista

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Six in the Spotlight Artists and Entertainers Currently Queering The Media

by Katie Dupere

1 Girl, 5 Gays

STALK:

logotv.com for the 10 most current epispodes

One gorgeous girl sits down with five humorous gay men to talk about their views on love and sex? Sounds like a normal day in my life! Alyia-Jasmine is the perfect host for this Canadian MTV import, and the guys on the show are brutally and hilariously honest.

Want to know what semen in the eye feels like? The shameless cast members will tell you flat out. Some guys you will love, some you will hate. The questions they answer will make you think, laugh, cry and squirm.

You can watch episodes for free online at logotv.com.

The best news: they just did a four-episode series of Q&A’s with super hot lesbians. Christina, call me.

Invincible Who said rap can’t be queer? Invincible, a lesbian rapper and LGBTQ activist from Detroit, already has a bit of a following within the hip-hop community. Invincible is a lyricist who won’t offend you, while simultaneously having a flow that will impress you. Her lyrics reflect social issues, a refreshing departure from the sexism, homophobia, and violence that often plagues rap rhymes. Letting her songs chill on your iPod certainly won’t make you feel guilty because all of the content is respectable. Even with this departure, Invincible’s songs will still be appreciated by your rap-loving friends.

BUMP:

“Sledgehammer!”

by Invincible

Ivan Coyote

DISCOVER:

“The Femme Piece”

by Ivan Coyote on YouTube

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Coyote is a Canadian spoken word performer, author, and activist with some major talent. Penning short stories and poetic pieces, Coyote writes about life and love through the eyes of a queer member of society. With brilliant honesty and topics that are easy to relate to, her words will have you mesmerized. Excerpts of her short stories are available on her website, ivanecoyote.com. If you really want the experience of all Coyote has to offer, look up her live performance of a letter to all of the “kick-ass, fierce, and full bodied femmes” on YouTube. If you aren’t crying at the end, you aren’t human.

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Bryan Safi

DISCOVER:

“That’s Gay!” on YouTube

Safi is the hysterically sassy host of Web and Current TV series, “That’s Gay.” The show deals with Safi’s view on gay issues in society. He covers everything from gay conversion therapy to same-sex marriage to use of the phrase “no homo.” Every episode is spoton. Safi delivers the content in an informative yet comical manner. Sadly, “That’s Gay” recently ended its run, but Safi’s segments are still available on Current TV’s YouTube channel. You can’t go wrong by picking any video to watch. One episode of Safi’s brilliant commentary and you’ll be hooked.

EveryoneIsGay.com Dannielle Owens-Reid, creator of Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber, and her upbeat friend, Kristin Russo, started everyoneisgay.com in April 2010. Through the site, the duo answers reader-submitted questions related to LGBTQ life and love via blog entries or webcasts — and they do a good job at it. As a bonus, they start every video off by lipsyncing a song. Owens-Reid is basically the missing lesbian Weasley sibling that you will adore, and Russo is her sensational sidekick with deadly lip-syncing superpowers.

STALK: Together they are a well-balanced, hilarious pair of lovely everyoneisgay.com ladies with some wise advice.

Katastrophe

BUMP:

“The Life” and “Man Enough” by Katastrophe

Transgender rapper and activist Rocco Kayiatos, better known by his stage name Katastrophe, is definitely someone to keep on your radar. The charming and quirky lyricist has been around for a while, breaking stereotypes one rhyme at a time. His songs can be strange and are certainly like nothing you have ever heard before. Just listen to one song and you will be swooning over both Katastrophe and his music. If you want to listen to the wildest rap song ever, bump up Katastrophe’s jam “The Life.” If you would rather hear Katastrophe’s optimistic view on identifying as trans, listen to his piece “Man Enough.”

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Drag

by Ashkay Gedam

Boss

by Ashkay Gedam

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out

I uttered the words “I’m” and “gay” in the same sentence for the first time after a few weeks away from home during my freshman year in college.

My friends’ candid, “So, Jake, you’re like gay or something right?” was innocent, and not nearly as shattering as the question felt when I first heard it. Before I knew what “gay” was I had denied the accusation. For the first time, I told the truth.

photography by Molly Mendenhall

From there, turning back was impossible. Like many, I officially “came out” to my mother first. As we both sat watching the sports recap on the 10 o’clock news, I told her I had “something” to tell her. I proceeded to word-vomit the phrase, “I’m gay.” About an hour of awkward, interview-esque dialogue followed. Some questions she asked were ignorant; “When did you choose to be this way?”

Some were hurtful; “Why are you telling me this?”

Some were motherly; “Does your father know?” And some were humorous; “So, do you have a…friend?”

Almost three years later, our relationship has evolved from a façade, to one on eggshells, to a full-circle, honest relationship. Whether war-torn or peaceful, our relationship is at least honest.

Now on a sort of “coming out” high, in coming months I spilled the truth to my sister. “So, you like, know I’m gay, right?” and to important friends via varied forms of communication. Then just a few short months ago, mid sentence of my anthropology reading, I whipped open my computer and spilled my soul in to a long and worded email in which I told my father, the 76 year old marine, that his only son was gay. My father’s reaction astounded me. He sent back an equally long letter describing his love, pride, and even defense of me, his son. He broke down in our subsequent phone call and eventual face-to-face confrontation a few weeks later. And that’s it. Instant acceptance (and indifference) from people I met from all wakes of life, ages and professions reinforced my free life as an “out” gay man. I eventually realized that repression of part of oneself represses all of oneself. I found myself laughing more, crying more, getting angrier, happier, more excited than I had ever been before. My life had real passion for the first time in 19 years.

- Jake Hebert Television, Radio & Film 2012

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