On the Road
Alan B’Stard’s secret? His hair Scriptwriter Maurice Gran on the origins of Harvey Moon, Birds of a Feather – and the dastardly Tory MP. By Louise Flind Marks and Gran (right)
How did you meet Laurence Marks? We grew up within about half a mile of each other and we first met at the Jewish Lads’ Brigade which we were compelled by our parents to join. How do you work together? Attritionally, through a dialectic of shouting and bullying… How did you get on with Rik Mayall? We loved him. Did any particular MPs inspire Alan B’Stard? He was really a compendium of Tories and I was very keen to get his hair right. Conservatives had this crinkly hair behind their ears achieved by someone running a wet comb through it, which is presumably what Nanny used to do… Have real politicians been worse than B’Stard? I think that Alan B’Stard was quite loved – he was never a hypocrite and the comedy came from him saying the unsayable. Who inspired Birds of a Feather? Me observing two couples having lunch in a hotel at Christmas in 1987 and it struck me that they looked like gangsters and their molls. What was it like growing up in postwar London? There was still rationing, pig bins in the street, the milkman and the coal man had a horse, and the streetlights were gas. Women knew their place and fathers ruled the roost. We didn’t have a television and listening to Round the Horne on a Sunday lunchtime certainly influenced Laurence and me. What inspired Harvey Moon and Goodnight Sweetheart? Harvey Moon was sparked by Laurence seeing a picture of a man coming home from the war and running up the path
towards his family, and Laurence thought, ‘Suppose she was thinking, “Oh f**k! He survived…” ’ Then we challenged ourselves to write a comedy about a man who’d lost everything – so that was Harvey. As for Goodnight Sweetheart, we were setting a scene in the East End for another show and Laurence said, ‘There are some streets not far from here where nothing has changed since the war.’ And I said, ‘That’s a series.’ What is your favourite bit of north London? As a kid, I used to love going to Alexandra Palace because I thought it was a real palace someone called Alexandra lived in. What are your earliest childhood holiday memories? Almost my first-ever memory is a holiday memory; throwing up on someone’s lap on a little plane to Jersey. Are you a traveller? I’m a tourist. I don’t want to go by camel to Uzbekistan; I want to go by business class to Los Angeles.
What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten? In Vietnam, in Hanoi, the sizzling prawns started walking across the hotplate. Have you made friends when you’ve been away? We’ve done the thing of exchanging phone numbers and then praying they don’t get in touch. What’s your biggest headache? I think if you have the wherewithal to travel, it’s a bit naff to moan about it. What is the strangest place you’ve ever slept in – while being away? In a run-down colonial house in Galle in Sri Lanka, with an outside shower room. In the morning, something had eaten the soap… Do you like coming home? Yes and no. Laurence and I are doing a live tour. Some weeks, we’re doing five different dates: Scunthorpe, Macclesfield, Wigan… I can imagine I’ll be looking forward to coming home then.
Where did you go on your honeymoon? We went to Jersey for four days because we had, appallingly, a child already, who was with the nanny.
What are your top travelling tips? Don’t – like Laurence – try to go through customs with your gold Dunhill lighter and then have a terrible row because they want to confiscate it. I never take a good watch on holiday. Hats are good, now that I’m practically bald. Try not to spend £5 on a Mars Bar on a RyanAir-type flight – buy your sweeties on the ground.
Do you go on holiday? Every winter from 2009 to 2019 we went away in February – somewhere long-haul, to shorten the winter.
What’s your favourite destination? I like Lyon, Lisbon and Seville and I’ve got a soft spot for Cardiff because it punches above its weight.
Do you lie on the beach? A bit in the shade. I’m Mediterranean – I don’t see the point of lying in the sun when there’s shade.
Marks and Gran are touring nationwide in Blokes of a Feather in May. Shooting the Pilot – a collection of their six most successful TV pilot scripts – is out now
Do you work on a plane/train? If I have to. I can’t sleep on planes. The one time I was upgraded to a flatbed, I felt as if I was falling over backwards.
The Oldie May 2022 85
