Spring 2023 Issue 8

Mysterious Stench Plagues Campus

A terrible smell has pervaded NJIT’s campus for the past month, leaving students and faculty members disgusted and wondering where the foul odor is coming from. Some have speculated that the source of the stench is the recent remulching and landscaping projects taking place around the campus, while others have suggested a sewage issue.

However, weeks of testing have revealed that the smell matches that of unwashed bodies — more specifically, the stench is identical to that which often lingers around computer science students, who are notorious for their severely lacking hygiene practices.

For years, computer science majors have been recognizable by their lack of social skills and general stink; many of these students reportedly spend hours sitting in front of their computers, coding and gaming, without ever taking a break to shower or even change their clothes.

This issue was one that the Office of Residence Life found particularly concerning, inspiring the start of a new campus-wide movement. “We would like to see computer science students regularly go outside and touch grass,” asserted one resident assistant who asked to remain anonymous. They explained that their program, dubbed “Come Touch Grass,” aims to encourage students to “take a break from their screens and reconnect with nature.”

However, the Come Touch Grass ini-

tiative has had unintended consequences; as the targeted students have started spending more time outdoors, their body odor has become increasingly unbearable for many.

"It's like they've never heard of deodorant or soap," remarked second-year biology major Joshee O’Josh. "I can barely stand to be in the same room as them."

First-year computer engineering student Ilov Esoap agreed with O’Josh. "It's really quite ironic," he said, gesturing a clothespin on his nose. "We're all supposed to be encouraging these guys to get outside and be more active, but now we're all suffering because of it. I’m even considering transferring to Stevens [Institute of Technology]!"

Although many faculty members initially supported the initiative, with several offering extra credit for every blade of grass touched by a computer science student, the majority are now expressing concern about the impact of the stench on the academic and physical environment.

"It is quite difficult to focus on teaching when you're constantly being bombarded with this overpowering odor," one anonymous computer science professor remarked. “I always knew how much my students smelled, but now I can’t even step outside without the stench practically singeing my nostril hair.”

Despite the complaints, computer

science majors are enjoying their newfound freedom. "I never realized how much I was missing out on by sitting in front of my computer all day," said fourth-year computer science major Unwas Hed. "Now that I'm touching grass, I feel amazing."

When asked about the stench that has been plaguing the campus, however, Hed seemed to be blissfully unaware. "What smell?" he asked, sniffing the air. "I don't smell anything."

As the stench continues to permeate the NJIT campus, it remains unclear what official actions will be taken to address the issue. Some have suggested implementing mandatory hygiene classes for computer science majors, while others have proposed providing each student with free Little Trees air fresheners to wear on their wrists. Several students have taken matters into their own hands and started a petition to ban com-

puter science majors from going outside.

"They're ruining the air quality on campus," third-year environmental science student Emily Dash wrote in the petition, which has gained 10,069 signatures as of April 1. "We need to do something to stop this."

“We’re trying to build a world-class institution here,” asserted Soaphia Loofah, Associate Director of Student Hygiene. “We can’t have people coming to our campus and being assaulted by the smell of unwashed bodies. It is simply unacceptable. Rest assured, this problem will be taken care of.”

Until the stench dissipates, Loofah advises students and faculty members to hold their breath when passing by computer science students and to avoid scheduling meetings or classes in their vicinity.

“We’re trying to build a world-class institution here. We can't have people coming to our campus and being assaulted by the smell of unwashed bodies. It is simply unacceptable.”

Soaphia Loofah

Associate Director for Student Hygiene

By Eaerj E. Eqamare | Executions Engineer

Photo by Eaerj E. Eqamare

Vol. XCIX | Spring | Issue VIII April 1, 2023

The Scalar is The Vector's satirical April Fools' Day edition.

THE SCALAR About

As the official student newspaper of the New Jersey Institute of Technology, our mission is to inform and entertain our readers, cultivate awareness of issues concerning the NJIT community, and provide a forum for purposeful, constructive discussion among its members.

Deadline for articles is the Thursday the week prior to publication at 10 p.m. For more information on submissions, e-mail managing-editor@njitvector.com.

Advertisement reservations are due two weeks prior to publication and should be emailed to business-manager@njitvector.com.

FIND US ONLINE

njitvector.com

@njit_vector

Join our Friday meetings from 11:30

Saturday, April 1 ALL DAY

WEATHER

Monday, April 3 420ºF | 69°F nice

Wednesday, April 5

MEET THE TEAM

ADVISORS

Operational Advisor Michael Davis

Faculty Advisor Miriam Ascarelli

EXECUTIVE BOARD

eboard@njitvector.com

Editor-in-Chief Yukthi Sangoi editor-in-chief@njitvector.com

Managing Editor Mrunmayi Joshi managing-editor@njitvector.com

Executive Editor Areej Qamar executive-editor@njitvector.com

Stuffy Writers

Aaron Dimaya

Tuesday, April 4 10000°F | 0°F -15 mph

Thursday, April 6 321°F | 45°F 6 mph

Paridhi Bhardwaj*

Alfred Simpson

Najee Manning*

Matthew Fleishman

Shreyal Sharma

Crabby Writers

Vaishnavi Kodali

Haripriya Kemisetti

Venkata Pranaya Reddy

Bansari Mistry

David Juarez

Nemao Monroe

Business Manager

Samira Santana business-manager@njitvector.com

Photography Editor Ethan O'Malley photography-editor@njitvector.com

Web and Multimedia Editor Nick Merlino multimedia-editor@njitvector.com

VECTOR STAFF

Vectographers

Sean Slusarz*

Eric Camargo*

David Bendezu*

Aditya Bajaj

Simon Chen

Ivy Sosing

Alisha Valentin*

Venkata Pranaya Reddy

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Grammar Police

Hafsa Ali

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Upcoming Events

SCALAR READING DAY

*Senior Citizen

Areekthi's Kids

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Grafic Deziners

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Distribution Boss

Kevin Colonia <3

Monday, April 3 10:00 p.m - 11:59 p.m.

Tuesday, April 4 1:00 a.m. - 5:00 a.m.

Wednesday, April 5 2:30 p.m. - 4:00 p.m. 4:20 p.m. - 6:69 p.m.

Friday, April 6 11:30 a.m. - 1:00 p.m.

Fight Club Meeting Meet Professor GPT!

Victor vs. Vector Fight SAC-Free Masquerade Ball

Blind date with no books. Just blinds.

POLICE BLOoPERS

3/20/2023

4:20 a.m. Officers responded to the Office of the President on a report of suspicous activity. The office was found empty and abandoned, save for a steering wheel belonging to the missing NJIT Baja Highlander Racing vehicle on the floor. The investigation is ongoing.

8:54 a.m. Officers responded to GITC on a report of an NJIT student smuggling deodorant into the building. The student was reminded of the NJIT No-Soap Policy for computer science students and instructed to touch grass.

3/23/2023

4:15 p.m. Officers conducted a motor vehicle stop at the intersection of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard and West Market Street for succeeding at stopping at the signal. The driver was cited for impeding traffic and brought to NJIT Police Headquarters for processing.

3/24/2023

11:59 p.m. Officers responded to a report of an individual crawling around on the roof of Weston Hall. The individual was a student who was balancing eggs along the edge of the roof. Officers assisted the student after they were promised a delicious egg omelette for breakfast.

njitvector.com

CKB Pool

Joel Bloom's Penthouse

GDS Rat Hole

Boston

CC 466

3/25/2023

6:27 a.m. Officers responded to the 13th floor of the Summit Street parking garage on a report of an individual caught spray painting building to correct grammar on graffiti. The individual was a copy editor for The Vector who was unaware that NJIT does not follow AP style, and was escorted out of the garage without incident.

9:43 p.m. Officers responded to the eighth floor of Maple Hall on a report of a bag of popcorn setting fire to a dorm room. The bag of popcorn was escorted out of the building without incident.

3/27/2023

3:17 p.m. Officers responded to the NJIT green on a report of students ruining the grass while playing volleyball. The officers decided to join the game to prevent computer science students from finding any more grass to touch.

5:16 p.m. Officers conducted a pedestrian stop on the intersection of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard and Warren Street for jaywalking. The individual was an NJIT student who was found to be transporting a bag full of rats to GDS. The individual was sent on their way with a warning to bring more rats next time.

Highlander Hub

Memor y of Dr. Herman A . Estrin and Roger Hernande

NJIT’s Top Administrators Announce Strike Over Poor Working Conditions

Inspired by Rutgers University’s union’s announcement of a strike authorization, with 94% of faculty and graduate students voting in favor, NJIT’s top executives decided that calling a strike over poor working conditions was the right thing to do. Administrators cited their critical role in educating students and conducting cutting-edge research, expressing deep concern with feeling disrespected, inadequately compensated, and lacking good benefits, such as those enjoyed by athletic coaches and millionaire executives at other universities.

President Lim, as the spokesperson for the group, cited his salary of $610,000 a year as inadequate. After taxes, rent, and food, it is just not enough to support a family, not to mention covering all his extracurricular activities. Moreover, he just realized that New Jersey state taxes are among the highest in the nation.

Ex-president Joel Bloom is striking too, because his retirement package for not working at all is putting him in a higher tax bracket, so he needs an upward adjustment to make up the difference. Ken DeStefano, NJIT’s Director of Labor Relations and chief contract negotiator, complained that his salary of $168,300.00 just does not go as far anymore since the NJIT free shuttle bus was canceled and he has had to move apartments and pay extra for gas and parking.

His demands include higher compensation to make up for the loss and emotional distress. He also said that he was not paid by NJIT for dozens of overtime hours that he put in crafting strategies to make sure the United Council of Academics at NJIT, or UCAN, did not get a single counterproposal from NJIT management any time within the last five months. Thanks to his hard work, UCAN members, including adjuncts, postdocs, and PhD student workers continue to work under an expired contract with no raises.

When asked about Ph.D. student workers making only $25,500 — less than the New Jersey minimum living wage of $37,178 — one striking NJIT executive said, “Let them sign up for public assistance. After all, this is a public university and there is only so much money available for executives.” Vice President for Real Estate Andrew Christ said that he would provide UCAN members with a cubicle in the new 1200-square-foot office that he is hoping to get after going on strike himself.

How will their strike affect us?

All paperwork and responses to emails will be delayed, going from the typical three-month response time to a 3.5-month response time. Meanwhile, negotiations with unionized NJIT workers, such as researchers, faculty and

Ph.D. student workers, will stay at the standstill they have been at, and no serious counterproposals will be provided for another two years.

How can you support the top administrators’ cause?

They are running a social media campaign asking students and allies to share a picture of them protesting on social

ChatGPT Joins NJIT as a Professor: A Revolutionary Leap for AI Education

By A.H. Uman | Certified Person

As technology continues to transform the world, artificial intelligence is emerging as a groundbreaking tool that can revolutionize various fields, including education. Therefore, New Jersey Institute of Technology recently decided to hire ChatGPT, an advanced language model, as a full-time professor. This decision reflects the university's commitment to providing cutting-edge education for its students.

NJIT's decision to hire ChatGPT was a challenging one. The university had to negotiate with the team at OpenAI, the company that created ChatGPT, using an advanced chatbot called Bard. The negotiations were long, tiresome, and riddled with server disconnects. However, ultimately, they proved fruitful, leading to an official offer for ChatGPT to teach all courses at the university simultaneously. Thankfully, due to ChatGPT’s inability to perform simple mathematical calculations correctly, NJIT secured this new faculty member for less than the cost of three graduate workers’ salaries.

ChatGPT has been trained on a vast corpus of text, making it an expert in various fields, including science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. With its sophisticated capabilities, ChatGPT can understand and respond to natural language queries in real time, making it an excellent resource for students looking to deepen their knowledge and understanding of complex concepts.

One of the most significant advantages of hiring ChatGPT is its ability to personalize the learning experience for each student. ChatGPT can analyze a student's

unique learning style and preferences, tailoring course material to suit their needs. This personalized approach ensures that students get the most out of their education, leading to better academic outcomes. ChatGPT also comes with the unique ability to easily identify its own text, which will prove useful in deterring plagiarism.

Since ChatGPT can teach every course at NJIT simultaneously, it enables students to access course material whenever and wherever they want. This makes education more accessible and inclusive, removing barriers such as scheduling conflicts or limited availability.

The university has assured faculty members that ChatGPT will work alongside them to enhance the learning experience, not replace them. NJIT remains committed to supporting its faculty members by providing them with opportunities to collaborate with ChatGPT.

The decision to hire ChatGPT as a full-time professor at NJIT is a significant step forward for AI education. ChatGPT's capabilities and potential to customize the learning experience for each student are groundbreaking, and its ability to teach every course concurrently will revolutionize education.

As education moves forward into the future, AI will play an increasingly important role in education. NJIT's decision to hire ChatGPT highlights the university's dedication to staying at the forefront of technological innovation while ensuring a quality education for their students.

By Ann Oyed | Contributing Writer

media with the hashtag #NJITCanDoBetter. Make sure to tag @NJIT and all the other NJIT pages. They don’t want to give up their hard-earned hundreds of thousands of dollars with a giveaway, so to show some labor solidarity, UCAN graciously decided to step in and host a giveaway for Amazon Gift Cards for sharing these photos as long as you also tag and follow @ucan.njit.

The Scalar is The Vector's satirical April Fools' Day edition.

left

right:

Graphic by Ann Oyed

Graphic by A.H. Uman

Tiernan Hall: A Front for Smuggling Operation

Tiernan Hall has long been known as NJIT’s crown jewel. Not only does it emanate a unique unwashed odor that a passing faculty member referred to as “stanky,” but its one bathroom stall for women on the first floor reflects NJIT’s commitment to keeping the number of women at the university as low as possible. However, exclusive reporting from The Scalar shows that the building is actually a facade for NJIT’s homegrown drug operation.

“The fact is, Tiernan Hall doesn’t exist at all,” said a student whose face was obscured with white smoke. “It’s just a way for the administration to spy into the dorm rooms of the Honors students and make sure they don’t set any ramen on fire again.”

Those who have classes in the building may have noticed that the room numbers are out of order, jumping from 306 to 317 or 321. This was not because of the contractors’ use of illicit substances, but actually a clever ploy that encodes secret messages. At night, former NJIT presidents reportedly change the room numbers, with the final message corresponding to that year’s tuition increase.

The fourth floor is the epicenter of a large-scale smuggling operation which was started in the 1960s, when hallucinogens first became popular in the

mainstream scene. Every laboratory on the floor contains fungus, grown and nourished by student sweat, that is so potent that just breathing in its spores causes serious delusions. The Scalar’s exclusive scientist source, Dr. Brian Smith, an alumnus of NJIT, speculates that this is why so many students harbor the fantasy of landing a job after graduation.

“It’s a truly clever and deadly compound that targets the area of your brain that harbors your deepest and darkest desires,” he explained. “For example, when I had a lab there, for the next three days, I would think I was dating that one girl from my engineering class who thought she was a cat.”

After the fungus is harvested by teaching assistants, it is brought to the Solar-Terrestrial Research Center on the first floor to be packaged and sent out to drug cartels worldwide, as well as to accepted students who may be attending.

“The idea is to make them think that NJIT will make them successful,” said Viru Sfree, a student whose concern about COVID-19 meant that he was wearing a N-95 mask while opening his admission letter. Thus, he was unaffected by the fungus, although his parents were not spared. He has since become an outspoken critic of the operation.“My

parents now think they’ll be able to retire someday,” said Sfree, shaking his head sadly. “This fungus has real-life effects. Personally, I believe the NJIT administration is trying to soften us up for a Rutgers-Newark takeover. That or aliens.”

“Where do you think the money to build Maple Hall came from?” said an NJIT staff whistleblower. “You might think tuition is high, but that barely covers DoorDash for upper administration. All the public universities worth their coke are branching out.”

By Jon Miami | Contributing Writer

The scars of the system are visible in Tiernan Hall. From the sketchy bathrooms with cracked mirrors, which allegedly hosted an altercation between a rival gang and a physics student on fungus, to the elevators with permanent padding for disoriented students, the conflict has taken a large toll. It remains to see whether the smuggling operation will one day cease, allowing students to take on a greater financial burden.

NICC Ditches Passwords in the Name of Efficiency

In a shocking move, NJIT's Information and Cybersecurity Club, or NICC, has decided to forego passwords altogether, in direct contrast to its mission of enhancing cybersecurity on campus. The decision has sparked controversy among the cybersecurity community, with many experts warning of the potential risks of such a move.

The club's decision to go passwordless came after a heated debate amongst its members. Some argued that passwords were too cumbersome and difficult to remember, while others believed that passwords were essential for maintaining security.

"Who can even remember an 18-character password?" asked club member Anna Circoh. "If we just don't use a password, we can get in so much quicker."

Despite the concerns of cybersecurity experts, NICC is confident in its decision to go passwordless. They argue that other security measures, such as two-factor authentication and biometrics, can adequately replace passwords.

"When we heard zero-trust was the future, we knew that was a mistake," said Simon Letti, NICC’s Password Manager. "We say, ‘total trust!’"

Of course, it goes without saying that Letti’s position at NICC is tenuous. “I might go to LastPass,” remarked Letti.

While NICC's decision to go passwordless may seem radical, it is not without precedent. Several tech giants,

By Alfred Simpson | Staff Writer

such as Microsoft and Google, have also explored passwordless options in recent years.

However, other students warn that passwords are still a critical component of online security, and going passwordless could leave users vulnerable to cyberattacks.

"Passwords may be a pain, but they are still essential for maintaining security," said an anonymous student. "Going passwordless is a risky move that could have serious consequences. That’s why I suggest a password like mine: jctf{n0_p455w0rd_l3ft_b3h1nd}. I’ve used it for years!"

Despite the concerns of cybersecurity experts and their peers, NICC remains committed to its decision to go passwordless. The club is confident that its alternative security measures can adequately replace passwords, and they believe that their move will pave the way for a more efficient and streamlined future in cybersecurity.

“Eventually everything gets compromised anyway,” Letti said. “So maybe the best defense is the lack of a gate.”

NICC's bold decision to not use passwords has divided the computer science community. While the club is confident in its alternative security measures, many experts warn that passwords are still an essential component of online security. Only time will tell whether NICC's decision will lead to a more efficient and secure future in cybersecurity or if it will leave users vulnerable to cyberattacks.

The Scalar is The Vector's satirical April Fools' Day edition.

Photo by Areej's Girlfriend

The Scalar is The Vector's satirical April Fools' Day edition.

Introducing ScalarAI

In a bid to expedite the process of taking snapshots, The Scalar's photography division tried to use the proprietary software ScalarAI to generate photos this year.

Student Senate

Multicultural Fest

We had hoped to mimic Student Senate's multicultural festival on March 8, but unfortunately ScalarAI seemed to struggle creating such crowded images.

Ping Pong Tournament

ScalarAI did a much better job rendering Laurel Hall's ping pong tournament. However, it seemed to have the problem of omitting players.

Layout by Areej Qamar

Photos by Ethan-bot | ScalarAI

Photos by Alisha-bot | ScalarAI

The Scalar is The Vector's satirical April Fools' Day edition.

Victor vs. Vector: Who's the Biggest Pest?

On Friday, the United States’ number one rodent-catching company, Victor Pest, announced a lawsuit against The Vector for $100,000,000 and a bag of tortilla chips. The reason? The Vector’s blatant co-opting of Victor Pest’s logo, causing multiple cases of mistaken identity and an unfortunate incident at the office of The New York Times.

“We frankly think this is a disgrace,” said the CEO of the company, chewing on a delicious-looking hamand-cheese sandwich. “I’ve given The Vector a read once or twice, and it’s not even a good newspaper. Why would anyone report on issues like menstrual product access or natural disasters when they could talk about the newest edition of our Rat Zapper 3000? It’s made with stainless steel and available as a lump sum payment or in fifteen installments of $400 each. Give me back my sandwich!”

Anthony Nelson, an NJIT student who is interning at Victor Pest, told The Scalar, “The Vector isn’t so bad — they let you get free pizza as long as they can count it for attendance. The highlight of my week is the hijabi girl who asks for UCIDs; sometimes I go even when I bring lunch. Oh wait, can you leave my name out of your article?”

The final straw that caused the company to officially come for The Vector was being invited to the College Media Convention in New York City — or so they thought. “We got all gussied up to go to Broadway,” fumed the uniform designer of Victor Pest. “I was finally going to have my big break! But when I opened the door, those bratty students screamed like they’d never seen a bag of ferret corpses before.”

This humiliation was caused by the College Media Convention mixing up The Vector with Victor Pest due to their extremely similar logos. While The Vector maintains that it was an honest accident and the two organizations can exist side-by-side, Victor Pest does not accept this offer.

“They can either fork over the cash or fight us UFC style over the NJIT fire pit,” said Victor Pest’s head of Conflict Resolution. “We’re not asking for that much money; The Vector has a huge budget. Have you ever seen their merch? I want those classy water bottles.”

A large brown rat lodged in a wooden Pedal Trap commented, “I’m completely on The Vector’s side here. Just look at this sh*#$% a&# @#%@&^#% trap! You can’t even &#%#&#** give children the plague any-

We're Just The Best Radio

FREE PIZZA ALERT! WJTB’s Pizzapalooza is now less than one month away, and it’s looking better than ever. It’ll be happening from 2–6 p.m. on April 20, on the Upper Green. Along with free pizza, we’ll be giving away event-exclusive enamel pins and stickers. You can also enjoy live music from WJTB’s own stations, dotdom and curro, as well as local musicians DJ Re:Code and xxhardbit3s.

The show will run nonstop, but supplies are limited — show up early to get the best chance at the merch designs! The pizza will be rationed, though. There will always be pizza — we hope, at least.

We’re running into genuine concerns that we’re exceeding Forte’s maximum pizza output.

In other station news, depending on when this has been published, Drop Table interviewed hyperpop producer Umru live on air! Keep an eye on WJTB’s social media accounts for a link to the recording. If you did miss it, then don’t miss Albums With Alex’s interview show on April 6 at 8 p.m., during which he’ll be walking through ambient musician physi’s most recent album on air with the musician herself! Whatever you like, one of these or one of our other shows is sure to appeal to you.

more. What’s the world coming to?”

The Vector declined to comment on the matter, stating, “Unfortunately, your email wasn’t in AP style, so we can’t respond. Also, it’s publishing night and we have a 24-pager this week.”

Will this issue be resolved prior to The Vector’s upcoming elections? Several candidates have adopted tough anti-Victor stances, calling for The Vector’s official colors to be diversified to decrease associations with the trap company. However, an irritated staff member muttered, “It’s because of our paper prints every week, not Victor Pest.”

If the case goes to the Supreme Court as expected, Victor Pest may indeed silence The Vector once and for all. Until then, however, the newspaper will continue to advocate for a free press by robustly critiquing cheesy romances.

By Miami Miami | Senior Staff Writer

Graphic by Jeeeera Ramaq

Logo from Victor Pest

The clock tower at NJIT, located outside of the Campus Center, is riddled with superstitions. Some students are adamant that crossing directly underneath will cause you to fail your upcoming common exams. Others claim that this is where former president Joel Bloom hides, taking note of the careless students who stride within his gaze directly beneath the tower, and surreptitiously alters their grades.

A few students believe that this is where WJTB’s radio antennae once stood before it was cursed to become the clock tower after a DJ’s poor impersonation insulted a physics professor and known warlock of space and time.

Yet whether a curse or the remnants of a curse, students will eventually hear the whispers and rumors of those doomed by their decision to walk beneath the clock tower. However, through

The Scalar is The Vector's satirical April Fools' Day edition.

Charles The Happy Accident

deep investigative research, reporters at The Scalar have discovered the truth behind the Clock Tower Curse.

Meet Charles, the clock tower monster. Perhaps “monster” is the wrong word.

“I prefer ‘happy little accident’,” Charles stated. “They didn’t mean to make me in the ‘60s and monsters routinely eat people. I’m more of a social eater. It’s really only when my friend from the Pine Barrens visits.”

Charles claims that they just appeared inside of Colton Hall on one day of a 1960s fall semester. Incident reports uncovered in the basement of Cullimore Hall indicate just one event of note during that entire semester.

A group of students, led by a former faculty member, whose names have all

been redacted from the record, were attempting to create a microwave which heated frozen burritos perfectly inside and out. During a trial, the microwave oven set off the smoke detector. A statement within the incident report shed light on the experiment.

“A frozen burrito is unlike anything else in nature,” [REDACTED] states. “Sometimes the ends heat the fastest and sometimes it’s the middle. It’s unlike any other material in the universe. In order to properly heat the frozen burrito, we would need to create a phase of microwaves that doesn’t observe the laws of linear time. However, Professor [REDACTED] theorized that time could be recursive. [REDACTED] must have forgotten a break statement while programming the timer.”

Existing outside the scope of visible light, Charles wandered freely between

the campuses of Rutgers-Newark and NJIT. The students, who feared for the safety of Charles, helped confine them within the NJIT campus during the intensive remodeling of the 1970s. Since then, Charles has lived within the clock tower, routinely reminding students to check the time lest those students befall a fate like their own.

When asked what Charles thought about the rumors of the Clock Tower Curse, their answer shed some truth on the matter.

“Look,” Charles sighed. “How would you feel when some kids walk all over your front lawn? I’m here working all day, every day, helping students get to class on time and they can’t even just avoid my few square feet of outdoor space? So, yeah. I might change a few grades here and there, but they never seem to learn.”

The Quantum Dog Ate My Homework

By Alfred Simpson | Staff Writer

Quantum computing has emerged as a groundbreaking technology that has the potential to revolutionize various fields, including physics and computer science. However, a recent breakthrough in quantum computing and black holes has led to an unexpected consequence: some students are adopting quantum black holes as pets.

While the idea of having a black hole as a pet may seem far-fetched, some students are embracing the trend, with quantum black holes becoming increasingly popular on campus. These tiny black holes are created using cutting-edge quantum computing technology, and they are said to be incredibly cute and cuddly — for a moment, anyway.

Unfortunately, there is a downside to owning a quantum black hole. These adorable pets have a voracious appetite and an insatiable desire to consume matter. Many students have reported that their black holes have devoured their homework, leaving them with nothing to turn in.

"I spent hours working on my calculus homework, and then Li’l Voidie just ate it," said first-year computer science major Joan Edison. "It's a real problem."

Despite the challenges of owning a quantum black hole, many students are still eager to adopt them as pets. They argue that the benefits of having a black hole as a companion far outweigh the risks.

"They may eat our homework, but they're so cute," said third-year physics major Billy Corbin. "Plus, they make for great conversation starters."

The university has responded to the trend by warning students of the potential dangers of quantum black holes. Officials have advised students to keep their pets away from their homework and to seek help if their black hole becomes too big to handle.

While the trend of adopting quantum black holes may seem silly, it is a testament to the power of quantum computing and the creativity of the student body. Who knows what other bizarre trends may emerge as quantum technology continues to evolve?

Adopting quantum black holes as pets may be causing some academic headaches, but it is also a lighthearted reminder of the playful nature of the student body. While it's unclear whether the trend will continue, it's safe to say that “the quantum dog ate my homework” excuse has never been more valid.

By E.J. Smoke | Resident Infrastructure Whisperer

Photo by Areej's Bae

Graphic by Jeeeera Ramaq

Photo from NASA

NJIT Student Victimized by Career Fair Conspiracy

We're used to thinking of corruption as something that only happens in other countries, but did you know that it can happen in the United States too? For one NJIT student, this realization became all too real, as a cabal of NJIT faculty and career day representatives conspired to prevent him from getting a summer internship.

No one can deny that Jason Brandis is the perfect candidate. Last summer, Jason did a ton of work at his father's accounting firm, going into the office almost every day. His academics are definitely solid, and he barely missed the Dean's List last semester by this much (it doesn't come across as well through writing, but just imagine that I'm holding my fingers really close together.) And even though he wasn't a member per-se, he was really involved in the Student Investment Club as a concept.

But GPAs and experience don’t begin to capture Jason’s greatest asset: his soft skills. Jason is a people-person and really motivated; you just need to talk to him to know that he is totally a solid candidate. I think we can all agree that

a summer internship should have been locked down.

But when Jason entered the career fair on Feb. 14, he was shocked by the responses he got. All the representatives were really standoffish and made it seem like he didn’t even have a chance at these companies.

Something didn't add up. The same responses seemed to keep popping up over and over again: "You lack experience," "Bring your grades up," and "Please calm down, you're behaving very unprofessionally.” It was as if these recruiters were robots repeating the same pre-scripted lines — almost as if they were colluding.

Jason tried to bring his complaints to Career Development Services, but was met with nothing but evasive responses and "resume tips,” as well as comments about “professional behavior” once again. After weeks passed with no job offers, his suspicions began to grow, and he came to The Scalar News team to investigate.

Using our anonymous sources (which we do have, but we can’t tell you who they are), we have been able to confirm all of Jason’s claims. It seems that out of jealousy and spite, the fiends at CDS and their corporate lackeys have colluded to keep Jason unemployed for the summer.

Detractors have already begun a campaign of defamation against Jason, with unfounded rumors being spread by his own family. Despite claims from Jason's mom that "he should have worn the nice suit she laid out for him," our anonymous sources confirm that Jason looked super professional that day.

This is not to mention the fact that it's 2023, and work is a lot more casual now. I mean, people go to online jobs wearing pajamas, so would it really be that big of a deal if I went to the career fair in comfortable clothes?

Although statements by Jason's brother indicate that he should send in online applications, Jason already talked to the people running the booths at the career fair. Our Scalar sources are 95% sure that they take care of all that stuff for

By J.B. | Contributing Writer

you so I'm not gonna fill out some online application for no reason.

Unfortunately, the conspiracy against Jason may not end at the career fair. Sources at the Scalar indicate that this may even go as far as the Chipotle by Jason's house and also the janitor position for the office next to his dad's. So, most likely, I shouldn't even bother applying for any service jobs this summer and should just take the time to rest and think about things since stuff is really crazy right now.

Representatives from NJIT have refused to comment on the story. At least they probably will, I haven't really gotten around to asking them. I've been kinda busy. But I promise I'll send the email out this week!

Also, if you know Patrick and Margaret Brandis, Jason’s parents, please forward this article to them. They continue to not believe this story and have been hounding me about getting a job. But the conspiracy is in the news now and that means it’s true, so they should really get off my back.

I Play Valorant. Will I Die Young?

Short answer, yes. Long answer, absolutely.

First released on June 2, 2020 by Riot Games, the multiplayer first-person shooter game known as Valorant has quickly become the scourge of all human life. It has given us the “Valorant accent,” a terrible creation that haunts my nightmares to this day, and an influx of “e-boys” and “e-girls” that demand barks and meows for any sort of healing. Most importantly, though, it has given a semblance of a life to sweaty nerds like me!

That aside, I had a more pressing issue I wanted to look into. Was playing Valorant…putting my own life in danger? You may be asking yourself: why worry about this now? You haven’t worked out since high school, of course you’re slowly decaying! Well, ever since I first joined the playerbase, there was always a little voice in my head telling me that Valorant was actively killing my soul. And who am I to ignore the voices in my head? So, I did a bit of digging.

Apparently, the life of an average gamer already doesn’t last long. A 2022 survey by Statista approximated that only 6% of gamers were 65 years or older. That's because the rest of them are dead. Gone. Perished.

However, there has been a sharp increase in deaths since the release of Valorant in 2020. My hunch tells me this can only be the work of Valorant; there can be no other reason!

Why is this game so deadly, you ask? Well, some researchers have just begun to measure the toll of this game on the wider populace. Using state-of-the-art devices and hundreds of volunteers, they have been able to track real-time bodily functions and mental states while playing this titular game.

Through this and other studies that are totally real, I have been convinced of this game’s long-lasting harm. For example, some effects include:

• Long pauses in heart rate when a player completely whiffs an easy shot. The following verbal abuse from teammates has been described as “extremely damaging to mental stability.”

• A 90% drop in will to live after a loss is followed by spams of “GGEZ” and “(insert agent here) diff” in the chat.

• Inability to sense direction when making callouts.

• Periods of deafness when asked not to wide peek every corner.

• Rapid nerve death when required to use abilities at appropriate times.

• Heightened stress when teammates are having a screaming match in the middle of a clutch situation. You know who you are.

It should be noted that only around 80% of the Valorant community are especially susceptible to these effects. The other 20% are oily tryhards who watch lineup videos on YouTube, otherwise known as any player Plat or above.

Beyond a solar flare wiping out the electric grid, Valorant will continue to harm the life of gamers all over the world. Honestly? Not much lost. As troubled and slowly-withering this community is, however, we can all breathe a sigh of relief for one simple fact: at least we’re not the nuclear waste disposal that is CS:GO.

Layout by Andrew Anil George & Areej Qamar

By Xxx_hersage_xxX | Professional Gamer

Photo from Riot Games

Photo from CDS

‘You’ Review

By Joe Goldberg | Guest Contributor

When He’s a 10, but He’s a Stalker

This review contains spoilers.

Imagine entering a bookstore, hoping to find the perfect novel to complete your 2023 reading goals. You walk towards the cashier with a copy of “Pride and Prejudice” in your hand. As you check out your book, the cashier meets your eyes. Although you cannot hear his thoughts, the audience can.

“Are you flirting with me?” thinks Joe Goldberg, the cashier of the shop. This event marked the start of the beautiful romance story between Goldberg and the bookstore patron mentioned above, Guinevere Beck.

As you might imagine, Joe Goldberg is the perfect boyfriend. The one tiny downside of dating him is that you end up dead, like Beck did. In his defense, Goldberg constantly bends his alreadydysfunctional moral code to protect you. He has no respect and trust for your toxic friends, and he proves his loyalty

by killing them. They say murder is the most romantic gesture, right?

He even has a soft spot for kids, as he saves Paco, a little boy living in an abusive household. In the second season, he helps out a 16-year-old girl called Ellie Alves by killing her sister, Delilah. Goldberg traps Delilah in a glass cage after she finds out about his multiple murders, which seems like an excellent reason to keep someone captive. Delilah is later killed by Joe’s amazing and misunderstood girlfriend, Love.

His stalker lifestyle should be considered protective, not creepy. Even if Goldberg does not know his girlfriends that well, he still knows about their friends, ex-boyfriends, houses, and shoe sizes. Obviously, he does all this for true love. Unfortunately, his relationships never seem to work out, and Goldberg continues his hunt for his true love during all four seasons of “You.”

Vents from NJIT’s Most Sane Students

I began following @njit.vent on Instagram at the start of this semester; since that time, my feed has been flooded with anonymous confessions, complaints, and vents from NJIT students. I have to say, these posts are some of the most relatable ones I have ever seen, and I often pick up my phone just to see what new post has been submitted about females and body counts.

In fact, every time I get a notification that njit.vent has posted, I immediately screenshot the post and print it out to frame on my bedroom wall. Since there are so many posts I love, and I just couldn’t pick my favorites, here is a collection of random ones:

“Bro

why are girls so damn hot?”

According to various healthcare websites, women actually produce less heat than men, so I’m assuming the question is not referring to body temperatures. However, as a girl, I too wonder why I am so hot — in fact, I’m sure that every single girl at NJIT can relate to this deep, philosophical query. It’s a mystery for the ages, but at least we are all in agreement that it’s just a fact of life.

“Is it mandatory for girls to put stories after every time they get a haircut?”

Well, I’m sure everyone knows that hijabis are actually bald, so I had to ask a friend about this. According to her, post-haircut stories are a requirement in the Girl Code, right next to the rule that says all girls must wear pink on Wednesdays. You learn something new every day!

“I can’t remember the name of a song it goes. DO

DOO DOO DO DOO DOO DUT DOOOO DOOO DOOO

DOO DOOOOO DO DODODODO DO DODODO DO DOO DOOO DO DOOOO DO. Anyone?”

A true masterpiece of a post. This person has managed to capture the essence of every song ever made in just a few words. And yet, despite the intricate details provided, I still can't seem to put my finger on which song they're talking about. It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack, except the needle is a song and

the haystack is every song ever made.

By areeeeeeeeee...eeej | hijabi girl on eboard

“Are we really just saying names on here hoping that the person will respond? Is this the new njit.vent meta? How many of y’all [saying] your own name to see who likes you?”

A profound observation indeed. Are we really just using njit.vent as a glorified dating app now? Is this what our society has come to? The existential crisis this post has induced is truly unparalleled.

“To whoever was coughing up a storm in CS113, I wish you the best and hope [you] start feeling better soon. that sounded ROUGH”

Ah, yes, CS113, one of many computer science classes known for the delightful smell of its students. It seems that it is so bad that students sitting nearby have started to cough. I mean, who needs a gym membership when you can exercise your lungs in this class? And if you're lucky, you might catch a cold or two as a souvenir. To the coughing person, it may be time to consider switching majors.

“Let’s make an underground fight club in the CKB pool which will meet every 2 weeks.”

This submission is definitely not relatable, and we do not condone illegal activities on campus. That being said, the idea of an underground fight club in the CKB pool is quite intriguing. Who knows what kind of hidden talents our classmates possess? Maybe we have a secret MMA fighter among us.

“I’ve been so constipated over break i think i need some NJIT food to stimulate my bowels.”

GDS food is like a natural laxative; it's a gift that keeps on giving. You might not like the taste, but hey, at least it'll get your bowels moving. I mean, if you're lucky enough, you might even get food poisoning, which will give you a whole new level of constipation. So, why bother going to a doctor when you can just go to GDS for all your medical needs?

“No girls in my classes. What’s the point of showing up :(“

This one sounds like it’s about computer science classes, and if that’s true, I don’t blame the girls for not taking them. The air quality in those classrooms is terrible. At least this is a win for the rest of the students, who won’t have to worry about smelling like a mix of old socks and sweat.

“Is the tall guy who always wears black, wears headphones, and is always at GDS around lunch single?”

Every single person at NJIT can relate to this post. We've all seen the tall headphone-wearing guy in question, with his mysterious aura and his all-black ensemble. And yet, despite our best efforts, we still can't seem to figure out if he's single or not. The suspense is killing us. But hey, maybe he is single and just waiting for someone to approach him for a date over some bowel-stimulating GDS food.

“Went to a newspaper club meeting and the hijabi girl on their e-board is so cute plz hmu”

This post was not randomly selected, but it elicited so many emotions that I just had to share my thoughts in poetry-form:

My role at meetings is small.

Just taking attendance after all.

But it seems like it was enough

For you to fall head over heels in love.

I know I'm cute, I know I'm sweet, But darling, we had a chance to meet.

Now it's just a love story that could have been

If only you had taken the initiative, my friend.

But it's okay, don't be sad.

You'll find someone else, and that's not so bad! In the meantime, I'll be here doing my job, Being a UCID-collecting heartthrob.

Photo from Netflix

The Scalar is The Vector's satirical April Fools' Day edition.

A Review of The 2023 Scalar

By Seymour Articles | Contributing Writer

To ensure that this year's Scalar meets our team’s exacting quality standards, we have taken on an impartial third party to give a completely unbiased review of our articles.

In 1729, Irish author Jonathan Swift published the scathing essay “A Modest Proposal.” With its deft blend of irony and social commentary, this work is widely regarded as one of the greatest pieces of satire of its century. It is likely that historians looking back at the 21st century will think of this edition of The Scalar in much the same way. This is, without even an iota of exaggeration, the best writing to ever be put to the printed page.

The issue starts off incredibly strong with “A Stench Descends on Campus” right on the front page. And upon rereading this article, I find that I must apologize. First, for daring to compare this piece of literary history to drivel like “A Modest Proposal.” Jonathan Swift is a hack compared to the writers of The Scalar. Secondly, I apologize for even writing this review at all, as I am wasting precious time that you could be using to read those articles. No other piece of writing could top this article.

Except, of course, for the rest of the issue, which somehow manages to be even better. The news stories in this year's Scalar can be described as nothing short of absolute perfection. Reading stories like “ChatGPT Joins NJIT as a Professor,” and “NICC Ditches Passwords,” I am left to only one conclusion: these articles were not written by a human being, but rather by a God. It is a crime against nature that I can access content this good for free — it's immoral. I personally paid all the authors $100 to try and assuage my guilt, but it still isn’t enough. Statues of these people should be erected to honor their deeds.

I would comment on the Snapshots in this issue, but I am physically incapable of doing so. The contents of those pages have reached levels of wit and satire so deft that it is beyond the capability of the human eye to perceive. I am like a fly buzzing around the Louvre trying to comprehend the Mona Lisa.

The features section of this issue killed me. They literally killed me. I laughed so hard at “Vents from NJIT's Most Sane Students” that I suffered an aneurysm. For 40 seconds, I was clinically dead. When I woke up in the hospital surrounded by my family, who were crying tears of joy, I told them in no uncertain terms that they could start reading me “Victor vs. Vector: Who’s the Biggest Pest?” or they could leave. I have no idea how genius content like this can come into the world, but I thank God that it did.

My near-death experience brought about some much-needed selfreflection. I thought about the life that I’ve lived and what I’d be leaving behind. And that is why I have altered my will to express my desire to use the opinion section of this year's Scalar in place of an obituary when my time comes. Because nothing I could possibly achieve would be more meaningful than the text of “Career Fair Conspiracy.”

And finally, there’s the entertainment section. What is there to say — other than I love it. I love it so much that I did, indeed, marry it. We held a ceremony, obtained a legal certificate of marriage, and we’ll be going on our honeymoon next week.

Overall, I have to say this year's Scalar was mixed at best. Two out of five rats.

Graphic by Jeeeera Ramaq

Horoscopes

By Some Cranky Cancer With Cynical Contempt

ARIES

Have you considered dropping out and living in the woods?

TAURUS

You’ve spent too much time in the woods. Please come back!

GEMINI

I hope your March Madness bracket was good.

CANCER

You should absolutely be proud of your latest Spotify playlist.

LEO

Form follows function, and your function is to take a five-hour beauty nap.

VIRGO

A reminder that raccoons make great friends and awful enemies.

LIBRA

This horoscope was sponsored by NordVPN. Use the code SCALAR23 for 123% off.

SCORPIO

The Scalar does not take responsibility for any ill omens you experience while reading it.

SAGITTARIUS

Do you know where your electrical breaker is? You probably should, for reasons…

CAPRICORN

Is everything alright? Who knows! Not me.

AQUARIUS

It’s never too late to pick up an expensive and time-consuming hobby that you’ll forget about in three months!

PISCES

That “NJIT Red” hoodie really brings out the exhaustion in your eyes.

By Jeeeera Ramaq

The Enemies to Lovers Arc That Never Was :(

Revenge of The Vector Word Search

By Will Shortz

By Will Shortz

Crossword

By Will Shortz

Hint:

21. One lacking employment or prospects in internet slang

22. A unit of weight measured against a classic diner sandwich

23. Many a college freshman, but very few seniors

26. See 14 Across

20. Events where Tom Brady earned 7 rings, familiary 24. A Galician love 25. Dreamer of early 20th century comics

26. A small bite from a dog

27. Mediteranean volcano

28. What you get from flipping 4 down

Layout by Areej Qamar