FRIDAY MAY 14 – COMMODORE BALLROOM TICKETS ALSO AT SCRAPE
JUNE 8 MACEWAN HALL, CALGARY JUNE 9 RED’S, EDMONTON
FRIDAY JUNE 11 QUEEN ELIZABETH THEATRE
MAY 18 – COMMODORE BALLROOM TICKETS ALSO AT SCRAPE
Cover Story 20
of the month!
Photo: Laura Murray
photo: Chapman Baehler
Band Slut
Innards
This month’s Band Slut has been pre-empted to make room for the more mystically energized Stevie Kicks of the Month. After he beat out our Band Slut, Kicks lifted his two testicles above his head like a couple of Everlast Speed Bags on a chain and bellowed his mighty song. Then we asked what he was up to these days and he said, “the thing about a slut is this: if she ain’t fuckin’ you, she’s probably fuckin’ you over. Get my drift?” And he winked at us. In a Texan accent. Who will tame Stevie Kicks? Will it be The New Town Animals? The Smears?
THE NERVE HIT SQUAD King Pin (a/k/a Editor-In-Chief) Bradley C. Damsgaard a/k/a Badly Damaged
editor@thenervemagazine.com
Pistol Whipper (a/k/a Music Editor) Sarah Rowland sarah@thenervemagazine.com
The Getaway Driver (a/k/a Production Manager) Pierre Lortie
Ashtray Boy? Or will it be...The Briefs! Cuz now he’s touring with that band too. He’s such a slut—he’s Stevie Kicks! Stevie invented the “Pornado”! It’s a way of remaining connected at all times to your perfect naked self in a relentless ecstasy of porn love. Ask your teacher about it. But who will mop those tears that you leave behind, Stevie Kicks? And who will provide comfort when your precious wick can no longer yield flame ? -We asked several experts about Stevie Kicks. This is what they said
Writers Wanted!
production@thenervemagazine.com
2 Bit Rounders (a/k/a Editorial Assistants) Music Ed’s Mom and Intern From Hell Father Gary (a/k/a Visual Arts Editor) Jason Ainsworth Shotgun (a/k/a Film Editor) Bjorn Olson Friend of the Family (a/k/a Adult Content Editor) Max Crown The Henchmen (a/k/a Design & Graphics) Pierre Lortie, Saturnin, B. Damage The Muscle (a/k/a Staff Writers) Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Cowboy TexAss, Casey Bourque, Sinister Sam, Adler Floyd, Aaronoid, Billy Hopeless, D-Rock and Miss Kim, Michael Mann, Adrian Mack, Jake Poole, Max Crown, 8-Ball, Jono Jak Girl Friday (a/k/a Subscriptions/Mailouts) Sue Hobler Weapons Cleaners (a/k/a Article Editors) Jon Azpiri and RyanCalvery Fire Insurance (a/k/a Advertising) Brad Damsgaard, Kevin Angel advertise@thenervemagazine.com
Out-of-town Connections (a/k/a Distribution) Calgary: Rick Overwater, Mike Taylor. Edmonton: Graeme MacKinnon. Winnipeg: Phil and Ryan of Steel Capped Records, Victoria: Jono Jak, Seattle/Bellingham: Frank Yahr The Nerve is published monthly by The Nerve Magazine Ltd. The opinions expressed by the writers and artists do not necessarily reflect those of The Nerve Magazine or its editors... but often do. First publishing rights only are property of The Nerve Magazine cause we have no desire to “own” you. The Nerve does not accept responsibility for content in advertisements. The Nerve reserves the right to refuse any advertisement or submission and accepts no responsibility for unsolicited manuscripts or artwork. Copyright 2003
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Descendents have a lot to answer for. By making such great music, they inspired a generation of mall punks to start their own SoCal bands. Read what drummer Bill Stevenson has to say for himself.
The Riverboat Gamblers 21 Bush: Look no further for weapons of mass destruction. This Texan band is set to explode worldwide.
Tricky Woo 25
From Woo to Wank and back again.
Casey’s Q & A 12 Has been postponed in lieu of a Cougar’s Night Out
Adrian Mack is an Idiot 13 Takes on the resurrected Dawn of the Dead
Adrian Mack is a film maker 17 Premieres his first movie, starring Jeffie Genetic
Live Wires 26-27 Enjoy. This will be the last month of concert reviews
Hopelessness 18-19 Bullies into two pages with the Lancasters and The Start
Off the Record 28-29
Nikki Sixx, Subhumans, plus DVD’s and Books on p. 33
Film 34
Gore: When Animals Attack! Optic Nerve: Shattered Glass
Skate 39
Where to shred this Spring
Ainsworth 30
The Hardships of the Anonymous Pornographer
Found 30
Wicca Lesbian Support Groups?
Smut Ranch 38
The Joys of Pam and Anal Champions 5
IN STORES NOW CLUTCH One of the Dead Kennedy's last ever live concerts, captured on film just months before their breakup in 1984!
AVAILABLE NOW
“BLAST TYRANT” PRESENTS A VAST AND INTRICATE TAPESTRY OF SOUND, TAKING US ON A SONIC JOURNEY THAT BECOMES MORE AND MORE ENRICHING WITH EVERY LISTEN.
KOTTONMOUTH IN STORES KINGS APRIL 20TH BACK FROM THE CATACOMBS OF EROTICA COMES THE HIGHLY ANTICIPATED BRAND-NEW RELEASE FROM KOTTONMOUTH KINGS. INCLUDES BONUS DVD!
2 complete live sets from the Camden Underworld, London - NOMEANSNO and Hanson Brothers.
Music
Cheap Shotz By Sarah Rowland
photo: Casey Cougar
A typical day at the Nerve Orifice with INTERN FROM HELL: All that lazy son of a bitch was good for was lipping off Badly Damaged and me. And to think, we actually looked forward to the arrival of our fresh-faced protégé. Oh, we had grand plans to mould our Calgarian journalism grad into the prototype Nerve employee— one that could proofread 40 pages of copy, push a 100 dime bags to help cover our printing bill and change Badly’s colostomy bag all in one day. But this is what we get: right: His response when Badly Damaged points to the clock and gently reminds him that time is money.
Hey ladies, make way for some new rock meat. Red Hot Lovers frontman Danny Danger is moving to B.C. to be with his bandmates. But before he turns in his Albertan citizenship, here are five things he should know about Vancouver: 1.) McPickton pork sandwiches and Fraser Valley chicken burgers are on special for a reason. Vegetarians rejoice! 2.) No, Billy Hopeless isn’t from New York. We don’t know why he talks with an accent. 3.) Ever since the Nerve published that RHL article, your infamous quote, “I fucked my way through Calgary” has become part of the Lower Mainland vernacular. Example: Badly Damaged: Good morning Miss Rowland, How are you today? Miss Rowland: I fucked my through Calgary, thanks. And you? Badly Damaged: Well, you know what they say: I just fucked my way through Calgary. But other than that, I’m doing fine. 4.) We’re a lot more open-minded when it comes to same-sex relations out West so don’t be surprised if someone like… oh, I don’t know, Badly Damaged, asks if he can snort lines off your ass. That’s just our way of saying hello. 5.) Finally, if you do plan on fucking your way through Vancouver, think twice about buying blow from our local dealers. A recent Nerve study revealed that UCNS (Useless Coke Noodle Syndrome) affects one out of every ten rock stars in Vancouver. But if you need something to bitch slap your drummer with should he get out of line, by all means, Hoover away.
The ruf, the ruf, the ruf is on fire. The good Lord must have been watching over producer/sound tech/musician Myk Shafllik last month when a three-alarm blaze burned his home and studio to the ground. Unbelievably, he
above: ….and when Badly threatens to fill out IFH’s evaluation form honestly.
above: Later on…. he demands that Badly give him money for smokes. right: Leaving two hours early to go back and fuck his way through Calgary. managed to escape the burning inferno with his long Pearlgarden mane intact. However, his life’s work wasn’t so lucky—$12,000 in protool gear, which he’s still paying off, is nothing more than a pile of ashes on Robson Street. His entire backlog of work from the last 20 years was also burned beyond recognition, including two albums worth of recorded material from his own bands, Catapult and Tarnish by Graie. That’s why Friday, April 9 @ The Showroom Cabaret at The Plaza of Nations (formerly Yuk Yuks), several Vancouver acts including the Rumours, Todd Kerns and Exithiside will perform at Mykfest. $10 at the door. No advance tix. All proceeds go to Shaflik. Donations can also be made at www.diepopstar.com
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Music
Cougie’s Night O u t
Photos by Casey Cougar
The Bash: The Nerve Magazine’s March issue launch, Friday March 5th @Brickyard The Scene: Hot dirtbag rock ‘n’ rollers and the naughty chicks who dig them. The Talent: SprëadEagle, John Ford and Video Tokyo. Danny Danger (Red Hot Lovers) in full-on heartthrob mode.
Chris Read (John Ford) doing his Rocky Dennis impersonation.
Toby Marie (graphic artist) lookin’ fresh as a daisy.
Nerve CEO Badly Damaged and Sue from TV Mamas posing for a potential blackmail photo hahaha.
CITR DJ Sean Law—his show Caught in the Red plays Fridays, 8-10am on 101.9 FM CITR-wearing...HEY! THAT’S MY FUCKING JACKET AND SHADES!
Selim, Dawn, Eddie Big Beers, 8-Ball and Loloa in TROUBLE as usual...
SprëadEagle’s Donnie James Rio and Mattias Stabbz in very similar genetic makeup.
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Johnny Woggles, Good Buddy Dan, Lena & Josh havin’ a toke with yours truly (outside of course).
Music
Adrian Mack is an Idiot By Adrian Mack
F
irst, I notice that the Hash index is UP while the Chocolate index is DOWN. It’s getting harder to find either Haagen-Dazs Chocolate Chocolate Chip or Ben & Jerry’s Double Fudge Brownie. Even the Safeway in Kitsilano—where all things are available to the young and the beautiful who reside there with their fancy titanium feather-lite preambulators and good jobs (assholes)–couldn’t fix my Coco Jones (Lady of the Night) that was brought about in the first place by…. all that Hash out there. Second (and I mean this), there are a lot of pundits and bloggers cracking on about the Post Millennial Fast Zombie, now ratified as the Official Upgrade, in this new Dawn of the Dead. I’ve been boring people with my opinion on this for a couple of weeks already and you’re next in line. I also wanted to mention that I love Girl’s Comics from the seventies. Who doesn’t? Remember Bunty? It featured a strip called “Marnie – the Melancholy Fox” (I think) about a fox that was quite moody on account of being chased by hunting parties and vivisectionists from month to month (so I can relate). The best thing about Bunty and its ilk was the photoplay, a lost art now that everything is run by jerks. The photoplay became a bit of a publishing phenomenon in the 70s when Hollywood found it could adapt movies to the photoplay format. The comic book photoplay, however, was superior because the stories were
original (and stupid) and because the models they used were so wretched looking. Typically, the tale involved a spotty tubpot only minutes away from her first kiss/period/orgasm/shit in some mind-bending drama with a boy in a jumpsuit and Pro-Keds. And Goddamn! Those kids were UGLY. I got to discussing all this with Jeff Genetic at the offices of the New Town Animals PLC and, after agreeing to not publish our opinion of M**t Records, we decided to make our own photoplay. Jeff is a little too advanced in his cuteness for the Zit Romantic genre, if you get my drift, and I wouldn’t want all hell coming down on my head because I published photos of that man giving a pubert her first taste of clitoral thrum (no matter how innocent or coy our presentation). That’s just sick. So we decided to re-make the ORIGINAL version of Dawn of the Dead that was created in a period when Giants roamed the earth. Giants do not roam the earth no more. You don’t need me to tell you that (actually you do), nor should I have to point out that when they died so did the Thinking Gentleman’s Horror Film. This remake of Dawn of the Dead that just came out has caused terrible problems with my spleen. Hollywood has forgotten how to make horror movies, leaving it up to maverick visionaries like Mel Gibson to pick up the slack with projects such as his recent guinea pig, The Passion of the Christ. George Romero used to make ferocious films ‘til Hollywood plucked him out of Pittsburgh, performed a transverse lobotomy on him and tied his nuts to
an old radiator until he agreed to make shit that I can’t even remember or be bothered to Google right now. His original version of Dawn has been called the “Citizen Kane of Horror Movies”. Me and Jeff agreed to take back the Dawn. Here’s what’s wrong with the new version – I’m in a good position to tell you as I haven’t seen it yet. In other news, I haven’t heard the new Destroyer record either, if there is one, but I’d like to review that too: “Wow! What a piece of shit! It’s worse than shit! Real Human Shit is better than this CD. I would welcome Real Human Shit into my home before I would let this new Destroyer CD cross my threshold. You’re an AHole. All of you.” You see? Fair, balanced and just. Similarly: “The new Dawn of the Dead is a major disappointment. Shit from my ass is better than this movie. Go fuck yourself and eat shit.” That one’s for the poster. Moving along, now: I notice that the new Dawn of the Dead (henceforth known as Shit From My Ass) features the new-fangled Fast Zombie. Wow. Here’s what happened: Bonehead from L.A. gives scriptwriter two things: a crayon to write with and half a billion dollars. Scriptwriter rents 28 Days Later and steals the one new idea
in THAT film. Sadly, 28 Days Later is also a piece of shit. I made a peanut butter sandwich this morning that is better in every way than anything Danny Boyle has ever done. Did you really think that the upside down baby of terror in Trainspotting was all that creepy? You did? Eat my shit! The Fast Zombie, some have informed me, reflects the fears of an accelerated culture. I can buy that. On the other hand, FUCK OFF! To take this analogy further, if the producers of Scooby Doo – The Movie decided it was high time to re-make Citizen Kane (which is the “Citizen Kane of Citizen Kane Movies”) and then go on to “re-imagine” Orson Welles with a more Matt LeBlanc feel (to reflect a culture that has renounced “fat genius” in favour of “hot moron”) then my response would be the same. FUCK OFF! The essence of the Slow Zombie is that you have to really deserve it if you get caught. You have to be a real dummy—that’s the jeopardy. A Fast Zombie can kill whomever it wants and your narrative subsequently falls apart. It’s a crock. So to cut a long story short, I wanted to rent Dawn of the Dead to prepare for OUR remake, but I honestly didn’t have a penny to my name and I have late-charges at every video store in Vancouver. Having said that, I went into Rogers last week and the girl at the counter wiped away my entire debt. She told me that I had “a nice smile”. I thanked her and told her she had nice tits.
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Music
Get Out of My Jam Space!
Asking Michelangelo to give a tour of the Sistine Chapel before it was completed is both absurd and insulting to not just the artist but everyone involved. But that is just what we did. We asked punk’s most highly-touted experts on interior design to not only unveil their work areas to us but explain what motivates them. From Art Deco to raw lust, Cüm Soc, S.T.R.E.E.T.S, and Sidesixtyseven offer intimate access to their jam spaces.
By Ryan Calvery, Photos by Jeremy Van Nieuwkerk
Cum Soc, rulers of Vulgar Rock, plan to introduce modern Russian ballet moves into their live shows.
Drawing inspiration from Post-Americana themes, Cüm Soc long ago decided the best route for design is mass porno. Ever the perfectionists, Cüm Soc take pride in the painstaking detail they put into every image. The addition of a big cock to the legendary Vince Neil is proof of this. The engulfing porno is not just a visual slap in the face, it also propels the group to strive for the kind of perfection that only a band with a lead singer who can puke on command deserves.
Visually motivated by their visit with Mexican Zapatista Rebels Skate Punk band, S.T.R.E.E.T.S now carries a cardboard cutout of a cop wherever they go.
S.T.R.E.E.T.S. want their jam space to be a reflection of themselves. Always motivated by strange and misplaced textures, the carpeting of the room was moved from the floor to the ceiling. At first, it would seem that this is simply for sound-proofing but that would be wrong. The truth is they just want to confuse themselves, to stay alert to the fact that nothing is as it seems and they should question everything. Some critics of this theory have called it gauche and unfeeling, but it is a perfect example of Functional Fusion—practicality and beauty all in one.
Winding up their tour of randomly selected hallways throughout North America, Seriouslyfuckingfast Punk group Sidesixtyseven took a break in between floors 4 and 5.
Using their fear of open spaces as their muse, Sidesixtyseven chose to set up camp in a hallway instead of an actual room. Utilizing Art Deco nuances, the narrow passage is plastered with antique posters of summer festival moustache competitions. This adds that quaint Country Casual appeal long sought after by countless generations of interior designers/ punk musicians. Constantly searching for self-improvement, Sidesixtyseven are planning on shrinking their jam space to 3/4 of its current size by this time next year.
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“Jeez – I hope the world hasn’t been overtaken by zombies...”
FRANCINE WAKES UP TO A WORLD GONE MAD!!!
DAWN of the DEAD Starring:
Jeff Genetic as: Stephen Genetic, Roger Genetic, Peter Genetic and Francine Genetic. Annie Totalenkrieg as: Zombie Nurse Director of Photography: Laura Murray Written and Directed by: Adrian W Mack
meanwhile...
“Francine – turns out the world has been overtaken by zombies. Me and the other clones are gonna steal a helicopter, fly out to some shopping mall in the late seventies and hopefully find food, supplies and a satire of rampant consumerism
“Whoa! Who knocked you up, bitch?”
“OK Stephen but there’s something I must tell you…”
You did Stephen. You had me modified specifically for that purpose. You said that our child would be like a DNA-boosted New Wave Jesus and all Hu-Men will worship him. Remember?
BUT STEPHEN BRINGS A GRIM MESSAGE!
“Remember?”
“Aim for the head, ya douche.” sweet!
“Shut up, Telford – unless you want me to kick your ass”
“8Ball! Dude! You totally nailed that zombie in the gonads! That’s so deadly!
ANARCHY REIGNS ACROSS THE LAND. BUT NOT FUN PUNK-ROCK ANARCHY!!! SHITTY, DANGEROUS, MANIACS-AT-LARGE- STYLE ANARCHY
WHILE UP IN THE AIR…
“Frannie – these are my other clones, Roger and Peter. Together we will re-populate the earth entirely with me. By my calculations, the undead outnumber us by 50 million to four so I’d like to start right away with some get-to-know-you sex and then once Peter and Roger are more comfortable we can start improving your efficiency as a multiple egg host, OK hon?”
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I hate you! I hate all of you!” “Frannie… Honey…I wish you wouldn’t smoke and drink and shove food up your ass. You gotta think of the baby…”
…AND THINGS GET WORSE…”
THE CLONES SET DOWN AT A VAST, ABANDONED SHOPPING MALL
“The best part is, when I Roger her, you can feel it in YOUR Peter! And Vice-Versa!”
That is both mindblowing AND weirdly gay!”
“It’s OK!!! It’s the end of the world!!!”
“I know baby, I know…Hey! Can I cum on your tits?”
“Take that, hot zombie nurse!”
OUTSIDE, THE UNDEAD GATHER IN THEIR THOUSANDS…
(Everybody): AAARRR RGGHHHHHH!!!!!! “nngghghnn nlenelovichhhgggnnnn…”
WITH SO MUCH ZOMBIE-KILLING, INTER-CLONE RUTTING AND AN ATTACK BY SOME HELL’S ANGELS (not pictured), OUR HEROES BEGIN TO FALL APART. ROGER SUSTAINS A BITE BUT REFUSES TO SAY DIE!!!!
!!!PETER AND ROGER SWING INTO CLONE-FU ACTION!!!
“That just leaves me and you, hot stuff…”
“Aarghhen bzzwirex rayspexspi zzen ergi plastic ber trand”
…THINGS GET WORSE!!!
…WHO WILL STOP THEM???
BUT ONLY FOR SO LONG!!!! “You men are all
“Ya, Buy NEED A WAVE on Dirtnap Records.”
FRANNIE AND PETER ESCAPE – BUT FOR HOW LONG?
17
Incomin ’
You You Can’t Can’t Beat Beat
Two out of three Lancasters agree violence does solve problems.The third member simply accepts ritual beatings as part of showbiz.
By Billy Hopeless
A
s a somewhat established local musician who has traveled many streets of the world, I find it amazing that the one form of music Vancouver is universally known for (and not made fun of by others), is great punk rock. The only problem is that we often overlook great bands until after they’ve broken up and then worship their albums years later and call them collector’s items. For example, The Lancasters are a truly great Vancouver punk band. They’ve received praise in rags like Maximum Rock ‘n’ Roll as well as press elsewhere in Edmonton and Germany. Yet they seem to have been overlooked by local writers except for us bastards at The Nerve. So I figured I’d get together with Al, Greg, and Evan, who make up this three-piece, and give them a well deserved pat on the back for the release of their Longshot Music debut, Alexander and Gore, one of my favourite Vancouver records in years. It was all good until they realized I was actually just putting “Kick Me” signs on their backs. But hey, if someone was gonna beat me, I’m glad it was the Lancasters! Hello funboys. I’ve got to tell you again how great the album is, and let’s start this thing off by asking you about the title Alexander and Gore. Why did you call it that instead of
18
Attack of the Oi! Boy Toys? Originally it was going to be called Attack of the Al Choy Boy Toys, but it was a last minute decision and since we practice at Alexander and Gore, we decided to use it as our album title. It’s a shitty neighborhood full of junkies, hookers and Lancasters, so we figured we’d pay homage to it! Now Greg, during your time on and offstage with your previous bands, I’ve witnessed you dressed in full clown make-up and many other
monastery. So is it true that Chelsea girls are the best goers (nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more). Or who do you think make the best lovers? Lancasters: Alcoholics make the best lovers! Well, thanks for naming me the best lover, but this one’s for Al. Al, every time I see you playing live you’ve got the biggest smile on your face and I really have my doubts that this is because you’re so elated to be playing in The
“Why do you think my bass is hung so low? It’s rubbing my crotch constantly and I try to jump and move up and down as much as I can.” -Al of the Lancasters
disguises doing the worm and other break dance moves. Are you still up to these antics or have you packed in the red nose and giant shoes now that you’re in a serious band like the Lancasters? Greg: The clown will be back doing the worm when you least expect it and, who knows, maybe movie star Chad Rancid (another of Greg’s aliases) will make an appearance! Since I’ve brought up the past, it’s well known that certain members of this band have a bit of a reputation around town as being loose cannons and fight provokers, but that’s just a myth and you guys are really just a group of polite little nancy boys, aren’t you? Lancasters: Al was known to swing blackouts until he spent some time in a Tibetan
Lancasters. What dark, twisted secret are you hiding in that noggin of yours? Al: Why do you think my bass is hung so low? It’s rubbing my crotch constantly and I try to jump and move up and down as much as I can. Yeah, yeah, I know there’s a picture of my face on the back of Al’s bass. So, in fact, you’re not willing to tell us the truth behind the smile, but I’m sure it has to do with the fact that Greg digs graves for a living. Evan, let’s talk to you since you’re known as the militant genius of the band. Tell us what is the band’s war slogan and strategy? Evan: To quote an old Dunderheads term—I’d say both can be answered with drink, stink, and slaughter.
The song “Take A Look Around You” is an anti-poverty anthem. Does this mean that you’ll be doing benefits for the homeless or did you just figure it would make you look like nice, caring individuals? Lancasters:Exactly. We thought it would make us look nice. We really don’t care. Nice try. So since you’re now self-proclaimed exploitive, uncaring, honest assholes (my kind of people) name five Canadian bands that deserve to exist and five that should be chopped up and fed to the RCMP dog squad. Lancasters: Let’s see. Riot 99, the Black Halos, Wednesday Night Heroes, Knucklehead, and Emergency deserve to live. The Grapes of Wrath, the Northern Pikes, the Black Halos, Wednesday Night Heroes and Nickelback deserve to die. Last but not least, which of the following famous skinheads would you droogs be most pleased to see at a Lancasters show and why? The choices are Uncle Fester, Mr. Clean, Charlie Brown, Calliou, Lex Luthor, Right Said Fred, or that hot chick from the first Star Trek movie. Lancasters: Mr. Clean is too violent. Charlie Brown is too depressing. Fester eats too many hot dogs. Lex Luthor is too much of a criminal element and would try to blow up the venue. Al’s the only one allowed to wear a fishnet tank top so Right Said Fred is out. Calliou is too young as we mainly play bar shows so he couldn’t come. I guess the choice is obvious: it’s the girl from Star Trek ‘cause she’s tough, beautiful, and has a solid crew that would back her anytime.
Photo: Laura Murray
The Lancasters But But They They Can Can Beat Beat You You
Incomin’
You Can’t Stop
The Start By Billy Hopeless
Photo: Trisha Leeper
W
ow, my first actual feature here in the Nerve. I would like to thank all the millions of Hopelessaholics who sent in their fan mail demanding more Hopelessness (thanks ma) and I would like you to know that Sarah, the shewolf of the Nerve, is using all those letters to line the cages of her pet band members and columnists. Thankfully she allows me to run free with all the other strays and alley cats here in Nerve land which brings us to the subject of my first feature interview. The Start are a bunch of cats from Los Angeles who had a short stay in the luxury house of Geffen records but soon found themselves back on the streets until recently when they were adopted by Nitro records. Their music can best be described as neo-wave synth-and-guitar driven pop with a punk attitude. What initially made me perk up my ears was the feline purr, hiss, and caterwaul of their lead singer Aimee Echo. I was very pleased upon doing this interview to find that not only is Aimee a lot of fun to play with and, unlike so many Divas with new coats and collars, she doesn’t want to be put up on a pedestal and have her ego stroked. So if you’re not too jadedly domesticated by all the spaying and neutering of the mainstream’s lame attempt at coughing up a shiny fur ball, we’ll see you at the Fox Festival at the Plaza of Nations on April 10th as Aimee and The Start claw their way into the hearts of The Offspring’s crowd.
W
here shall we start? I know! Why don’t we start with the start of the Start? How did The Start start and when did The Start officially start being known as The Start? The Start started being The Start after the band we (The Start) were in (not The Start) lost the right to use our former name, which started as an idea Jamie (guitar/synths) and I had when we met in our former bands on tour together. As the Start, your first album, Shakedown, came out on Geffen in 2001 and your new album, Death via Satellite, has recently been brought to the masses by Nitro records, briefly yet passionately could you please tell us in your best imitation of old English (i.e.: Ye brave knights of ye royal start) what happened there and all points in between? I beg of mercy O’ noble Knight. In plain English not olde: The Label didn’t want to spend any more money being the label. So off we went on our merry way to be reborn the way a band should be born, in a van. In the van, we toured the land in circles until the icky afterbirth stuff had worn off and we placed ourselves on the doorstep of Nitro in a basket, with a note of course. The note said “feed us” and they did. After six months of feeding us they decided to keep us. We decided we liked the idea of being a kept woman. The rest is about to be history. Now you’re a self-proclaimed L.A. band and it’s no secret that I have a love-hate relationship with La-La Land, so name five things you miss about L.A. when you’re touring and five things you’re glad to be away from. Things I miss about L.A. when I am not in L.A. and things I am glad to be away from: 1. The ability to have any substance from vegan pizza to illicit drugs delivered to my
door at 6 a.m 2. The people I know 3. The fashion 4. The weather 5. The vampires
be a whole new market just waiting to explode. I love God, man I do. I wish he/she/it would direct a video for us. I especially love his/her/its early work. That Creation shit was a riot.
Since we just talked about your home and you’ll be on my native soil when this article comes out I need to ask you a few questions of a Canadian nature, starting with Canadian dirt. I understand that you were on the girl’s garage tour with those Canadian poptarts known as Lillix, so can you give us a little behind the scenes teen talk about them? Don’t worry about discretion it’s a fact that teenagers don’t read anything besides articles written in teen magazines about cute boys, so they’ll never know. They are all foul-mouthed, hard-drinking, severely entertaining pirates with a taste for professionals and the singer has a small penis. Oh wait, wrong band.
I heard you recorded your first album at Sunset Sound where Prince recorded part of his epic Purple Rain album. I find there’s a tension and darkness on your debut while the new album sounds brighter and more excited like a release from this state. Was the mood of the first recording created due to the lingering vibes of Prince’s parental issues and rivalry with Morris Day as depicted in the movie Purple Rain, and what was the mood like in the studio when you recorded the new album? I can see how you would think that. They had removed most of the purple by the time we got there, but there was lingering odour (kind of like those grape scratch ‘n’ sniff stickers) that may have influenced our state of mind at the time. You can definitely sense the lavender undertones on our first record, especially on the closing track “Time”. We went back there for our next record that will be out this summer, so expect some deep violetish sort of hues.
OK, how about Michael Moore? I noticed you have a link to his page on your website, so could you please explain your love or admiration for that jolly Canadian shitdisturber? I love him, I really do. The world is a better place for him being in it. I wish he would do a video for us. Dancing in a field in bumblebee suits, Michael and me. Speaking of jolly Canadians, what’s your favorite role that Canadian comedy legend John Candy portrayed in his hilarious career? Barf, but I also love the part about the two pillows in Planes, Trains and Automobiles. That was it for our Canadian Heritage Moment, now let’s get back to The Start. In your lyrics you use a lot of religious references. Are you a religious person? Although I am sure there’s probably a whole Christian synth-pop scene that is unknown to my barbaric eyes, this might
This is it Aimee, the last question. Thanks again for this interview and when you’re up there so many miles above us all flying in the Pretty Fly for a White Guy or whatever Dexter’s magic flying machine is called, don’t forget that down in that little spot known as Nerveland Vancouver a little spec known as Billy Hopeless is your un-humble servant. If you and I were at the Dufferin, which is the best karaoke bar in Vancouver, and we could sing a duet on any song, what would your choice be for this unforgettable moment? “Love Stinks” - J. Geils band.
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Incomin’
Photo: Jamin Bartonr
The Riverboat Gamblers
Above: Don’t be fooled by Patrick Lillard’s smile (blue t-shirt). This poor unsuspecting pig (one of God’s creatures, if you will) has no idea the bassist has an insatiable appetite for raw pork. Below: The aftermath: Lillard licks his chops after gorging on swine tartare.
By Sarah Rowland
P
umped full of strychnine, fitted with lethal instruments and bred to destroy, gamecocks have no choice but to put on killer shows. After the caranage is over, promoters, bookies and management count their cash as their investment lay in a bloodied heap. Sound inhumane? Now replace gamecocks with the Riverboat Gamblers and strychnine with readily available Lone Star beer and you begin to understand the significance of the cockfighting footage in the Texan band’s latest video, “Ice Water.” “We kind of feel like these chickens, getting tossed into the dirt ring and everybody’s out there betting on us,” says lead singer Mike Wiebe. He speaks in a surprisingly subtle Southern accent about that other inherently cruel blood sport: the music industry. “We’re out there, pecking, clawing and getting scarred up and cut up. Everybody’s making money but us is how we feel a lot of the times. We’re just out there doing it as hard as we can and we’re probably gonna get killed doing it and it’s all for everybody else’s enjoyment.”..Silly Texans. Not only are the Gamblers cursed with a critically acclaimed album, Something to Crow About, they have a reputation for sweating out the best fist-pounding punk rawk shows outside of Norway. Unfortunately, the members of the Denton quintet have been literally beating themselves up on stage trying to live up to these high expectations. In fact, the pressure to blow people’s minds and levitate attendees to a higher level of rock ‘n’ roll consciousness has resulted in insurmountable medical bills. One particular incident that put the band in the red happened last October in San Francisco when about two songs into the show bassist Pat
Lillard ate Wiebe’s mike. “I kinda swung it back and he was behind me,” recalls Wiebe. “He happened to be just like looking straight up. I wasn’t even swinging it that hard. I guess microphones are heavier than I thought. It just kind of fell right perfect there on his teeth. It cracked his front three teeth way up in the gum line like where you couldn’t even see ‘em. So they’re kind of hanging in there by the gums but they’re cracked and dead. One tooth got actually chipped where you couldn’t see it and that got embedded in his lip. They pulled that out the next day. They didn’t even know it was in there.” In shock from the taste of his own ivory, Lillard kept playing, which doesn’t surprise Wiebe. “He’s Pat. He’s tough,” the singer says with Texan pride about his bandmate, who’s gone from being the prettiest member of the band to resembling a hockey goon that happens to have the gentle eyes of a fawn-like creature. “I was like, ‘can you keep going’? And he said, ‘I think so.’ I just remember looking back and there was so much blood and he was just swallowing mouthfuls and it was just making him real tipsy and woozy. We could kind of tell he was about to pass out. He’s usually really active and he was just kind of wobbling there. I think he would have maybe played another song but he had to sit down on the stage. So we were like, ‘Ah, we better get him out of here’.” Good Call. Six-and-a-half hours of emergency reconstructive surgery, thousands of dollars in band debt and several charity concerts later, the group had to cancel their highly anticipated U.S. tour. The timing couldn’t have been shittier for the band that started playing house gigs
in ‘97 and only recently started getting a lot of push from their label, Gearhead Records. “I felt just completely miserable and horrible,” says Wiebe, who can be quirky, selfdeprecating and witty all in one phone conversation. “I mean I was just really beating myself over it for a long time. I remember a couple days later, somebody would be like, ‘God, that is so punk rock.’ And I was like, ‘yeah, but is it punk rock if I almost want to cry about it?’ I felt like, not only did I hurt him, but I really screwed things up for our tour and everybody who worked hard to set up shows and everybody that wanted to come out and see us.” L i l l a r d ’s face-distorting accident isn’t the only onstage mishap that has led to the Riverboat Gamblers flagging a cab and yelling, ‘take us to the nearest infirmary. On the double.’ “In New York I fell on a pint glass and broke it and got like 20 stitches or so in my hand,” admits Wiebe. “They had to take me to Bellevue hospital, which is where all the crazy people go and most of those crazy people seemed to be in full force that night and I was there for like six hours. There was a guy who burned his top lip off with a crack pipe and one time I had to get stitches on my eyebrow cuz Fadi [el-Assad] hit me with the guitar by accident.” You’d think with so many RBG shows ending up in the ER room, their premi-
ums would suck up all their royalties. “Well, none of us really have health insurance cuz it’s so damn expensive in this country and it sucks,” says Wiebe. “And we’re so jealous of you guys. Seriously.” Basically, they have two choices: apply for refugee status and move north of the border to reap the benefits of universal health care-- or continue to destroy themselves on the road until the rest of the world gets it. Alas, rock’s favourite cowboys weren’t meant to be Canucks. For starters, guitarist/designated ladies’ man, el-Assad, would be forced to sport sleeves on his shirts due to the climate change. Drummer Jesse Hamilton couldn’t adjust to Canada’s hurtin’ burrito situation. Poor wee Lillard would be left to gum his way through our back bacon. And the new guy? Well, who knows? But Wiebe, no way. He suffers from a rare form of moosephobia. So they best be loading up the van and start pushing arguably one of the best albums of 2003, Something to Crow About. And that’s exactly what they’re doing for the rest of the year. They’ll bring their Texas-sized AC/DC blowtorch rock along with their punk sensibilities to the Sunset Tavern in Seattle Friday, April 9. Check them out and buy some merch. The band still needs to raise money for more dental surgery. Furthermore, the guilt-ridden Wiebe is sick of chewing and regurgitating Lillard’s food for him.
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Descendents:
Photo: Craig Cameron Olsen
Cover
The following transcript is a conversation recorded between Bill Stevenson (drummer, songwriter, producer, Descendents, Black Flag, All) from his base in Fort Collins, Colorado and Judge Smails and Carl Spackler who were calling via satellite phone from their recently refurbished Stuks over Swedish airspace on a mission of mercy or possibly vengeance. The true facts may never be known as communication between the plane and the Franklin J. Schaffer satellite broke off as the plane vanished from radar screens somewhere over the mountains of Sekasden. All efforts to find the Judge and Carl have proved futile. By Judge Smails and Carl Spackler J.S. I didn’t want to find you guilty of ruining music, nay, modern society due to your spawn whose sub-mental meanderings permeate the airwaves and bedrooms of every teenage punk pretender from here to Bora Bora. With their fake angst, watered-down sound, and bad fashion, these no talent cretins lay waste to everything my esteemed colleague and myself hold dear. Real rock n’ roll, real punk rock! Passion, son! You sir, are the brightest of the best of this pop rock. And yet look at the horror left in your wake. C.S. I was enjoying your new record Cool To Be You last night at my place. I really marveled at the fact that you guys still manage to capture a youthful exuberance in a bottle. After all these years, what’s the secret? Botox? Testosterone injections? Virgin’s blood?
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Bill: I’m gonna attribute it to the one very thing about us that frustrates people most: the fact that we don’t record very frequently. I think that’s kept the quality high. J.S. Hear hear, son. Quality! C.S. The thing that still blows my mind, okay, I’m listening to guys last night out on the 18th green and I really dig the new record and yet, I can’t help but be overwhelmed with deep seated feelings of violence and hate towards your spawn. That sound. I hate that sound! I love you guys but Jesus! Look at the bands that have been influenced by you guys: Lagwagon, Blink182, Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, Sum 41, 10 Ft. Pole, Newfound Glory, Field Day, Millicolin, Pulley, Gob, all dog shit vermin, scum! Eradicate them! I mean Gob, for Chrissakes, give me one minute alone with my Weed Whacker and that fat guy from Gob. Dammit I mean it! Ooh yeah baby. J.S. Carl, simmer down! C.S. Sorry Judge, I’m good now. Bill: Yeah, it’s a real interesting time for us to
put a record out now. People are so fucking fed up with hearing that pop punk thing run into the ground. C.S. I was fed up with it in ‘89! Bill: Yeah, but now it’s everywhere—beer commercials, you know some weird bastardization of “Silly Girl” is on the radio. What I notice is people are really embracing our records and saying, “hey I knew I liked this music - it just hasn’t been done well” C.S. The difference is that you guys are real. The guitars sound like a Husqvarna 11000 revved up to take on all comers. It’s dangerous, primal, and carnivorous. And then it’s candy-coated! Bill: I’m not interested in having too big of a discussion on where the current state of American mall punk is at. I don’t have much to do with it to be honest. I’m 40—my daughter probably likes those bands. I think those bands you guys are talking about have about as much in common as Poison does with Black Sabbath. When people say what about these bands you influenced I say we didn’t influence ‘em! We
don’t sound like that! J.S. They may try, my good man, but they don’t get your top notch boogie-woogie. Eh? Billy? Bill: You guys are prepared to talk total shit about it. I respect that. C.S. So you don’t feel any guilt over these sons-of-bitches? Bill: It’s flattering really, but we didn’t invent this. We had influences too. C.S. Like the Last, Buzzcocks, The Alleycats? Bill: Oh yeah, and early Black Flag , X, The Germs; all those wonderful bands from that late 70’s rock scene. It changed my life. It gave me a life. I didn’t have any friends or anything. So that was a cool period of music C.S. What happened to the Alleycats? Bill: I don’t know. We used to share a practice space together with them and the Minutemen and Black Flag. C.S. At the church? J.S. Now we are talking! Good show! I knew you had strong religious roots Billy
Cover
The Revenge of the Nerds eeeh! Eh? Uumm. C.S. Did Redd Kross rehearse there as well? Bill: Yeah, they were there for a while when Ron was playing drums for them. C.S. Do you keep in touch with the MacDonald Bros? Bill: I keep in touch with ‘em a little. I mean we’re not buddy buddy, but I ran into them a little while ago. C.S. One time I saw the MacDonald Bros. get into a fight onstage over whether they would play “The Rose”. I believe Jeff thought it was out of his range and Steve was not handling the news too good. J.S. Any other old friends that aren’t true Scotsmen? Bill: Yeah, I keep in real good contact with Greg (Ginn), Mike Watt and Spot and Dezo. That’s what is cool about E-mail, you E-mail Henry on his birthday. Don’t have to invest a bunch of time to keep tabs on old buddies. C.S. Where’s Spot now? J.S. The man’s name is Spot? Bill: He’s in Austin. He’s doing a lot of shows, you know, just himself, which are cool. He’s such a talented musician and has so much to offer. Just fun and soul that he puts into the music. I used to just sit around and watch him when I was a kid and he’d pick up any instrument--banjo, whatever--and play it. He’s one of those guys, music is just in him. C.S. You guys have that ability, you know, to connect with people in your songs. You must get that a lot with fans where people tell you “that song is me, man!” I know when I was seventeen, the song “My World” really seemed to be written for what I was feeling at the time. Bill: Yeah, we were those dorks, you know? We weren’t, you know, like I’m seeing on T.V…what are basically cool guys, tattooed guys dressing themselves down to look geeky, whatever this whole emo/indie rock thing is. I mean everybody trying to look like Buddy Holly. I mean we were just genuine geeks. Like- the jocks were gonna throw the last bite of their hot dog at my head. I mean it was just gonna happen, period. We weren’t trying to be these nerds. That’s what we are. C.S. It’s there in the music. Bill: Try being like 20 and never ever had a girlfriend before. It will turn you into a psychotic person. That was my situation. C.S. Yeah – the Judge could tell you about that. J.S. Oooooh!! C.S. I see a lot of emo kids look at Milo like he is the Dalai Lama and stealing his glasses is seen as the highest form of worship. How does Milo feel about the rapturous love from his more obsessed devotees? Bill: He’s pretty oblivious to it. He’s pretty focussed on his science stuff, which is what he is mainly working on with corn DNA—to make corn more efficient to grow in the nutrients side of things. C.S. Nitrates and stuff, oh yeah I know about that. I got crops of my own. Bill: He’s really busy with songs and music, but he doesn’t pick up fanzines or any of that stuff. He doesn’t give a fuck about any of that stuff. C.S. Besides any of the more obvious influences, sometimes I get a sense of other things lurking under the surface—jazz influences, bebop, Charlie Parker or… Bill: Where did it sound like Charlie Parker? C.S The jazzy parts. Bill: That’s just rad ‘cuz I love Charlie Parker
and the instrumental stuff where we establish something in the beginning and then improvise on it and maybe it becomes sort of tonal or chromatic. ‘Cuz Bird really brought that into the thing. J.S. What the hell are you talking about? C.S. Swing! The whole band swings! It pushes and pulls; it’s not automated like so many new records. Bill: On that note, one thing about the new record—and this isn’t the first time we’ve done it but the first time in a while—is we played it all together live. No overdubs, just us live. We use pro tools sometimes to grab verses… J.S. Use pro tools for good, not evil. Bill: Well, when I’m producing bands I’m unfortunately using them for evil. A lot of the younger kids can’t quite exercise their idea, and I kind of massage it along a little. J.S. What about touring your fine new record Billy? Bill: We don’t have any plans for the moment. Milo just had a baby last week—a baby girl— and Stephen’s wife is pregnant so we gotta get this baby business squared away first. J.S. Get them up and running, man. Bill: Exactly, up and running before we talk about doing shows. C.S. I saw you guys in 1986 and there were maybe 100 people there. And now when you guys play you are able to sell out the San Diego Sports Arena, which holds about 8,000. Bill: Yeah, us and Minor Threat. We weren’t huge, huge bands or anything back in the day, but the legend is so huge. We are one of surviving ancestors of the original late 1970’s punk movement that is still active to some degree. And I think people are always gonna be fascinated with that late 70’s punk movement, the same as they are fascinated with the 50’s rock movement or anything. C.S. Yeah, but you guys also sound like teenage male life. You have it in spades for the guy who feels he doesn’t fit in. Bill: I think it goes back to us being guys who
managed to get all the way through high without having touched a girl. You know that can tweak you out and a lot of guys pick up on that, even though I’m 40 and have kids now, that nerdy reject is still in me. It’s real. C.S. I can’t just shut him off with a switch. J.S. Who wrote the song “Mexican”? Seems like this is a song with a political angle, eh? Bill: Karl. It’s political, but it’s based on personal life. We’ve written about sociopolitical issues before. “Mexican” is a little more apparent. It’s really [about] if you can picture being in a pub in Europe and having someone hassle you ‘cuz of your accent, blame you for stuff Bush did or whatever. And you know what my critical new friend at the pub…? You’re right! We suck. We got the KKK and we are the worst thing in the world. But wait a minute, we got Otis Redding and Duke Ellington too! We ‘re not all bad! J.S. It seems like it’s a strange time to be an American with a brain and a heart. Bill: It’s the first time when actually the thought of not living here anymore crosses your mind frequently. What are these guys doing? They’re gonna fuckin’ get us all killed or kill a bunch of other people we don’t know. C.S. Coffee intake - seems like you fellows like to stay frosty. Bill: Yeah, I’ve found a new drug which is Mountain Dew.—so much caffeine in it. It makes me wonder why I don’t just pop pills. I never did drugs before, but what does it really mean when you’re drinking like fifty million cups a day? How much more druggy can you be? C.S. You must have seen a lot of casualties in the early days… Bill: Well, the poster boy for that was Darby, of course… In my opinion Darby is the greatest lyricist in punk rock. No question about it. But with Darby…even if he hadn’t found drugs he was just so…one of those people that was too intelligent to even be able to function. I think people like that sometimes end up on drugs as a way to make the brain stop throb-
What is it about Descendents that makes so many other musicians drool “Can I get back to you on that one?” – SprëadEagle bassist 8-Ball commenting four days before the Nerve goes to print. “Well they don’t really make me drool. But guys that skateboard down the street dressed up like sperm are OK in my books.” —Black Halos frontman Billy Hopeless referring to the video for “I’m the One”. “I’m a drummer so I love all of Bill Stevenson’s shit. He just plays really tight California surf beats.” —Keg Killers’ Dustin Jak “More hooks than a tackle box… they had songs about food. They had songs about farting. They had songs about girls, which at 17 is the hugest part of your world. And if you were having a hard time getting some back then, knowing there were others helped ease the pain… it’s a coming of age thing.” -John Ford bassist Chris Read “I thought of something really funny to say when I was drunk and high on crack but then I forgot. But you can rest assure: it was fucking brilliant.”- SprëadEagle bassist 8-Ball two days later.
bing. I never tried though, so I’m probably just talking out my ass. C.S. Ever play with The Chiefs, Aggression or Los Olvidados? Bill: You know we recorded a Chiefs’ song for the record. It didn’t go on but we cut “Knocked Out” by the Chiefs. C.S. Did you ever see Plugz? Bill: Oh come on, of course. Our first show was with Plugz. Dude out-first-show this: Descendents; Minute Men, only they were called The Reactionaries; the Plugz; Alleycats; The Last and Black Flag. C.S. Charlie Quitana lives in Vancouver now. Bill: He does? C.S. He is playing in Social Distortion, but lives in Van. Bill: His playing was a big influence on Robo who was a big influence on me. I respect Charlie for sure. C.S. What about the pop influence for you guys - Like Cheaptrick, Big Star, Pez Band, Flamin’ Groovies…any thing like that? Bill: Not really. Other than the Beatles and Beach Boys. The thing is--this is gonna sound like I’m completely full of shit--but every time I try to explain this to someone, they think that I think I’m cool. But I totally don’t. I have this weird thing when I wake up in the morning, before my brain turns on I get these ideas and when I get them they’re done--it’s a done song, you know. “Those sheets are dirty and so are you”. I hear it in my head the way you hear it on the record. And I don’t write it, it just writes me. I know that sounds like a load of shit but it’s true. I don’t have the ability to craft songs so they come to me. It’s not like I listen to Pet Sounds and go “hey, let’s write tunes.” They just come to me, and I go, “hey, that’s cool.” C.S. I think a lot of writers work that way. Keef does--he says he just pulls them out of the sky. Bill: Really, cuz I can’t work at them. I don’t have a very good imagination. That’s why my new songs are about, you know, strange things. “One More Day” is about my Dad dying. That whole episode. Things that come to me because I’m having strong feelings. Emotional problems--sadness, stress. C.S. What about rock drumming? I know you love big Bill Ward. Bill: Oh yeah! C.S. Who else? Bill: Umm... C.S. Jerry Nolan? Bill: Who’s Jerry Nolan? C.S. New York Dolls & The Heartbreakers. He really swings. You swing too when you play, so I was wondering if you were a fan! Bill: Wow, lets talk about that. This is an interesting bit of minutiae. This band I worked with, the Lemons, their original drummer had a way of swinging that he picked up from the Dolls. I picked up a little of it from him. I can see that I’ve always tried to have swing in my playing, like jazz. C.S. Jerry was a huge Gene Krupa fan. Bill: I’m getting it right from Elvin Jones, Krupa, Tony Williams. So maybe that’s how it works. I don’t know. C.J Have you ever seen Elvin Jones play live, he quacks. Bill: Yeah, yeah he does. C.S. For the first time half of the show I thought I was having some kind of full-on feathered freakout, then I really realized it was Alvin. Do you quack? Bill: No.
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24
Tricky Woo
Incomin’
By Casey Cougar
Y
ou probably think ya know Tricky Woo, but I bet ya don’t. Most folks are so enraptured by their infamous third album, Sometimes I Cry, they’re unaware of the Canadian quartet’s equally fantastic (yet completely different) previous LPs, Rock and Roll Music Part One and The Enemy is Real. Yet it should be noted that their first two full-lengths were, ahem, instrumental in shaping their future masterpiece. Therefore, I feel it’s my rock ‘n’ roll duty as a TW superfan to enlighten anyone who’s curious about the group and how they’ve truly come full-circle (fuckin’ true clichés!). Whilst chipping away in a sculpture program at Concordia University in Montreal in ‘97 founder/singer/guitarist Andrew Dickson decided, “It was full of shit! I’d played bass casually as a teen but it was when I dropped out of art school that I got serious about playing guitar.” Dickson coerced pal Sasha Roiz into playing the drums along with brother Adonis on bass. Tricky Woo swiftly earned a reputation as a sexpunk force to be reckoned with. The songs on RRMP1 have a feminist bent to them; they’re almost exclusively about worshipping female sexuality. They managed to pull off the almost/barely legal fantasy without being gross: “You said you were 17/I know you’re only 16/oh baby, I don’t care! /Schoolbell rings, I pick ya up at 5/my lil’ rock n roller…” Call me a pedophile (or a cougar), but their execution is sexy ‘cuz the females are always in control. One of the most challenging aspects of fronting a band is maintaining an engaging stage presence while rockin’ out on an instrument. “It’s a terribly hard task. I’ve lost many years thinking about it!” laughs Dickson. Although he juggled both duties impressively, Dickson set his sights on recruiting a young Montreal guitar whiz named Adrian Popovich. Despite his mop of hair and grampa-esque, thrift-store fashion sense, Popovich possessed the guitar ferocity of a 20something Angus Young. “Other people thought I was crazy for wanting this weird, shy guy in the group. He reminded me of a cross between Crispin Glover and Thurston Moore but that’s not who he is,” Dickson recalls. Not long after Tricky Woo became known as a wicked rock four-piece, the group fired bassist Adonis. “He was out of hand with the bottle…no need to be polite about that one!” says Dickson. Soon after, Eric “Rocco” Larock, a former member of Ottawa’s the Chronics, joined Tricky Woo as a bassist. Larock became a key singer— not just backing vocals yet not quite fronting either. Rocco’s sweet vox combined with Popovich’s buzzsaw riffs bolstered their sound, creating a sexed-up punk/rock hybrid unlike anything out there, even six years later. Tricky Woo then put out The Enemy is Real and toured incessantly, playing Vancouver three or four times in ’98 alone. That October I saw them at the Starfish Room opening up for the Make-Up (cool ya-ya band) and Blonde Redhead (overrated avant GARBAGE band) and they mopped up the floor with both of those more established NYC
rock outfits. Their sound was so genuine and primal, it stirred something deep inside the crowd: to my left the shyest wallflower screamed to Dickson “TAKE OFF YOUR P A N T S ! ” (Immediately clamping her hand over her mouth, eyes saucerwide). To my right Dickson was willfully being spanked by a lass on his ass with his own belt while simultaneously rippin’ on the guitar. Other than being an excellent rock band, Tricky Woo had no gimmick— no matchymatchy outfits, no pineapple hairdos or visible tattoos-they were the most straightforwardly rockin’ band I had seen then or since. Anyone I know who was there (who wasn’t a tight-ass scenester) felt the undeniable magic. The band was in fact so awesome that Roiz decreed himself too novice a drummer to play with them and quit to become their manager. Dickson did not look very far for a replacement. He was playing in a band called Ultraviolet Blues Catastrophe and asked their drummer, Pat Conan, to join Tricky Woo. Roiz’s somewhat amateurish drumming added to their punk edge but Conan’s experience lifted the band to new heights, utilizing every single drum and cymbal in his kit. Their sound embodied the complex rock they’d grown up with—Led Zep, Thin Lizzy etc.— but remained fun and unique. Pick any song on the groundbreaking, Sometimes I Cry, and you’ve got a classic with hit potential. Dickson sings “I’m gonna save you with rock and roll!” and you believe him. Never afraid of constant touring, the boys hit all points of Canada and much of the USA and their fan base built with each show (even getting props from Dave Grohl himself-”Tricky Woo are the greatest rock band on the planet!”). However… …The direction of the band began to change by early 2000. “At the time, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do (musically),” says Dickson. “It may sound selfish but I see music as freeing and needed to explore further,” Dickson’s new direction didn’t mesh with Popovich’s dynamic guitar style so he soon quit at the turn of the millennium. The remaining members, along with Popovich’s
Photo: Courtesy of Tricky Woo’s Web Site
Reanimated
replacement Phil Burns, put out Les Sable Magic, which was an excellent album but a sonic shock to diehard fans. Their punk energy gave way to a slower pace, and like many of their original fans, I found myself impatiently waiting in vain for their old excitement. I even nicknamed my beloved band’s new sound “Tricky WANK”. Soon after, Rocco left the band as well. The group enlisted a few other members, but by 2001 Tricky Woo folded. Popular music changed a lot in the next couple of years with unlikely bands such as The Hives, The Vines and, of course, The White Stripes finding mainstream success. I felt kind of bitter that the Tricky Woo I had loved did not persist and gain the recognition they deserved. “I never really felt that way. It was more other people (who) kept reminding me of it…” insists Dickson. In early 2004/late2003, while listening to Bryce Dunn’s outstanding rock ‘n’ roll radio show, Third Time’s the Charm (Tuesdays @9:30am on 101.9 CITR FM), I heard the announcement I had been dreaming about: “Tricky Woo are getting back together.” Although Dickson had felt the need to grow musically, he decided to return to his raucous roots. “I now realize people wanna rockpartyhard!” says Dickson. Their reunion shows how dedicated they are to their art despite the
fact Popovich and Dickson are hardly best pals. “We acknowledge one another while we’re playing but (our relationship) is really all business.” Drummer Pat Conan moved to Toronto, so this time Popovich enlisted Pat Sayles, formerly of 1-976 (fronted by Canada’s most beautiful tranny, Plastic Patrick!), to fill the other Pat’s huge shoes. “I went in prepared to jam with them, knowing “Fly The Orient” and “Born Due” and immediately felt lots of energy and magic,” says Sayles. “We jammed two times together and they straight out asked me to join the band.” The band has just cut a new album, Heavy Feelings, which Dickson says “means the boys are back together playing and there’s heavy rock ‘n’ roll business and goin’ down. A lot of emotion and possession—being possessed in that way. We feel as though some hex has been lifted from us. We’ve been essentially sad since we stopped playing together. Now we’re happy again!” Do yourself a favor & see them live: 04/03 Calgary @Night Gallery 04/04 Nelson @The Royal 04/07 Vancouver @The Drink 04/08 Whistler @Merlin’s 04/09 Victoria @The Cambie 04/13 Banff @Buffalo Bills
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Live Wires Black Halos/ By a Thread/End this Week with Knives/ Honeysuckle Serontina
Supernal/ And On/ Rosetta Stone/ My Sister Ocean @Red’s, Edmonton Friday, March 5, 2004
Photo: Laura Murray
@Mesaluna, Vancouver Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Sorry, no review here. What can we say? Intern From Hell shit the bed. But we can almost guarantee that Hopeless did us all proud.
SNFU / The Retreads / The Rebel Spell @ The Cobalt, Vancouver March 19, 2004
It seemed like half of Vancouver crammed into the sold out Cobalt to see the triumphant return of Edmonton skate punk legends SNFU Saturday night. That’s right, SNFU. But before the magic came the openers. New-to-the-scene up-and-comers the Rebel Spell started off the night with their catchy, melodic, hardcore street punk, generating a great reaction from the crowd that started the circle pit early in the evening. The two-girl, two-guy group pulled off a great live show despite the Fleetwood Mac-like lineup and the disappointment of expecting the Rebel Spell to be a Billy Idol tribute band. Remember when black teardrop eye shadow was cool, back in the Alice Cooper days? Well, me neither ‘cause that was a long time ago and I’m too young. Now bands like Good Charlotte sprout the gothic look. Which side are the Retreads on? Steppin’ up on stage with black shirts, red ties, and wearing more eye shadow than a wife who recently
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received a black eye from her deadbeat husband at the trailer park…This is The Retreads. The Retreads are a street punk-style band that played new stuff from their upcoming album Pink and Black Attack. Not as fast as the Rebel Spell, but they were able to keep the crowd interested and made them forget that Chi Pig was backstage warming up his smoked-out vocal box and about to tear the Cobalt in two. And so it began, the return of SNFU. It was everything an old school skateboarder could want and everything a new school punk fan needed. Despite looking burnt out from cough syrup abuse or some other substance, lead singer Chi Pig had massive energy and worked with the crowd as they fed off each other. All the classics were mixed with some new material that SNFU has been working on and getting ready to release. It’s about damn time. -Intern From Hell
Okay, so Red’s may not be the hippest place on earth (picture a Chuck E. Cheese masquerading half-assedly as a nightclub), but they have been known to showcase some great local talent. Supernal does not qualify. That is to say that they’re from Calgary, not that they’re not good. Actually, Supernal was the band I had come out to see, as I had seen them several times before and had been impressed by their darkly catchy tunes and Angela’s lungpower vocals. As usual they didn’t let me down. Next up was a local band called And On who may as well have been called Sum 41 Lite. They captured the whole carefree mall-punk sound perfectly with a string of harmless tunes and infectious hooks, and were talented enough that I probably would have liked them if not for the fact that I hate the pop-punk sub-genre with every fiber of my being. I had fully expected Rosetta Stone to be a young Latino woman and was a bit thrown off when she, um, they turned out to be a Pearl Jam-inspired alternative rock band (named after an ancient stone slab, for what it’s worth) I would later dare Marco, their lead vocalist, to start introducing himself as Rosetta at the beginning of future gigs. I guess I’ll have to catch them again to see if he follows through. Lucky for me I like their music. My Sister Ocean rounded off the evening’s events, juxtaposing their melancholy alternative rock with upbeat between-song banter. At one point, the bassist jokingly “quit” the band and set his bass in the drummer’s lap. The drummer then proceeded to play both instruments simultaneously and better than most pussies who only play one musical apparatus at a time. -Jett
Dry Fisted/ Jak’ Uzi/ Neo Nasties @ Pub 340 Vancouver Saturday, March 6th, 2004
What crazy fuckin’ bastard booked Vancouver’s Neo Nasties as the opener at Pub 340 Saturday March 6th? [Music Ed: Um…that was Badly Damaged, just so ya know] Frontman Ashtrey was drunk before he took the stage. This, of course, always makes for some sort of fun. Although his singing is questionable, he had the crowd’s eyes glued to him as he surfed a half stack, played around with the lighting, stripped down to his American flag boxers and pissed off a waitress by throwing an empty beer jug across the room and hitting an innocent bystander. What the Neo Nasties lack in musical talent they sure as hell make up for with showmanship. The aftermath of their set saw several people get the boot for rowdy behaviour. Man, you guys are so punk rock it makes me sick. A couple skins and die-hard British Oi!-clad fans where spotted, obviously there to see the old school British street punk band Jak’ Uzi. The lead singer looked as though he had been around the punk rock block enough times to know that throwing beer jugs won’t make the crowd like you any more. The audience soon became sparse and concentrated more on beer than Jak’ Uzi, but still the band stuck it out to hear Dry Fisted, Calgary’s self-proclaimed hardcore kings. Dry Fisted is new to the scene, but the members are not. The veteran team of punks has been playing since the 80’s in bands like Six Feet Under. The adding of a second guitarist (the second member from Six Feet Under that is now in the band) has given Dry Fisted’s new berth in the punk rock community a buzz. Their live show, which mixed a harsh blow of metal and hardcore punk, made it worth worth being hassled by the cops for I.D., fending off drunks trying to start a circle pit, and losing my hearing the next day. -Intern From Hell
Live Wires MC Battle
@ The Cobalt Wednesday, March 24 2004
Frostbite Tour: Mad Caddies/Pulley/Choke/Clos et Monster/Irish Car Bomb
Photos: Smarten Up
@Legends Nightclub, Victoria Friday March 5th, 2004
Fuckin’ eh! Knowing that Canadian bands like Choke and Closet Monster are putting out great music… well it gets me right here (tear, tear). This fantastic voyage highlights some of Canader’s most excellent prospects mixed with some of ‘Merica’s finest. Epitaph Records offers up Pulley, a band headed by an antagonistic Scott Radinsky, touring in support of Matters, their fifth major release. Mad Caddies, of the Fat Wreck Chords dynasty, were showing off their latest contribution, Just One More. Florida presented us with indie-punks Irish Car Bomb while Choke and Closet Monster are from our own backyard. Edmonton’s Choke has been dubbed one of Canada’s best punk groups as of late. Their latest release, There’s a Story to this Moral, offers eclectic sounds, offbeat timing and high-pitched vocals that make for an interesting genre that they can call their own. Closet Monster joined us from Ajax, Ontario. These guys have worked with the like of Sum 41 and Bad Religion. If it wasn’t for the shitty sound and lighting at Legends Nightclub (I really abhor this venue), I might not have gotten so drunk. I think it just sounds better by the bar. To start the night, Closet Monster and Irish Car Bomb brought the attendees to a lukewarm temperature. Pulley, using aggressive, pumping lyrics, got people simmering. They were followed by Choke who, with their unbridled style, definitely got the pit bubbling over. But it was the Mad Caddies that brought the crowd to a full boil and burning for more. -Smarten Up
Photo: Laura Murray
Photo: Laura Murray
The Cobalt was beautifully grotesque as usual, but for some reason I could smell Dove soap. Fuckin’ gorgeous. Now I do admit I didn’t mind that the show was lagged. As people wandered in, I noticed one thing about the Cobalt is that the girls love to drink! With DJ Seko at the scratch, P.O.S. on stage and chronic in the air, it was time to fuck it up. One dude that I thought really stood out from this crew was Konrad a.k.a. Euro MC. Sporting huge headphones and lickity-slick rhymes, this guy should have been in the battle but wasn’t. The main offender himself, however, (from the Main Offenders) was. The battle started with an anonymous Japanese MC going up against the leader of the M.O. posse. Even though most of the packed house including myself couldn’t understand this rhyming Ronin, I say he won the first round. When Mike Clarkson, a.k.a. Mic Murder hit the stage the show was pretty much stolen. This guy was making Biblical references about getting burnt like Sodom and Gomorrah, and dissing his Main Offenders counterpart so bad, shit almost erupted into a full-fledged war. The cool thing about this was that dudes were tryin’ to chuck the knuckles instead of pulling out gats. Cooler heads prevailed, however, and in the drunken chaotic end I never actually saw anyone receive the bronze microphone trophy. If you have balls (I would have loved to have seen some girlie MCs), you can battle. Remember, a lot of people hate hip-hop, but it is an underground art form that has been exploited so maliciously that it has given itself a bad rap (pun intended). We need more shows like this. It’s not independent hip-hop artists shooting each other outside Vancouver nightclubs. Let’s keep it real. Peace. -J. It’s a Cardinal Sin Villeneuve
Franz Ferdinand
@Richard’s on Richards, Vancouver, BC Wednesday March 24, 2004 At the last Red Hot Lovers show, there was a skanky Sur-dog couple grinding by the girl’s can. No doubt, they were contemplating screwing in the ladies’ lew. They didn’t, but not because the situation presented a moral dilemma, God love them. No, it had more to do with the fact that there was already a lineup of rock hos waiting to snort, fuck and puke in washroom stalls. This is home. Rock to me is the familiar sight of Gung-Ho’s singer Mike Roche in the front row pounding his fist in the air and grabbing for the mike, Casey Cougar ambushing people with her camera and Badly Damaged doing his man-gina twist on the dance floor. Franz Ferdinand is not rock, and the asexual scenesters with got-chewed bangs couldn’t have been happier. Combing the contemporary sounds of Hot Hot Heat, the Strokes and Electric Six, Franz Ferdinand put out a perfect album. Live, the wee Scottish men played a perfect album. If their on-stage performance is any indication, members of Franz Ferdinand don’t enjoy sweaty romps. After all, fornication could lead to a single hair falling out of place or a scuff on their designer loafers or a pit stain on their retro shirts. Like all good British art-school dropouts types, they delivered clever music but lacked soul. I guess I just like a little more sex in my monitors. -Meathole
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Off The Record
pin’, but with cover art depicting Confederate soldiers rising from the dead (often seen as racist imagery), their soapbox gets a little wobbly. Being straight edge isn’t an end; it’s just a truck stop on the way to an open mind.
Brides of Destruction
-J. Pee Patchez
Photo: Courtesy of Sanctuary
Cougars Nice, Nice Go Kart
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hile Vince Neil enjoys wife-swapping with 80’s also-ran Corey Feldman, Tommy Lee is hard at work on his new collaboration with the fat dude from Breaker High. Rumour also has it that Mick Mars is recuperating from extensive plastic surgery that make him look like a slightly less ugly Mick Mars. Nikki Sixx, on the other hand, has teamed up with Tracii Guns to form Brides Of Destruction. Along with hotshot vocalist London LeGrand and drummer Scot Coogan, Sixx and Guns have just dropped their atomic debut, Here Come The Brides. The Nerve recently spoke with living rock-legend Nikki Sixx to ask him everything we always wanted to know but he was afraid we’d ask. How does your lifestyle today compare to the way you lived 20 years ago? Well I probably get 99 percent more things done in a day. I kinda feel like a fighter in the ring…. I wake up in the morning and go, ‘whose ass am I going to kick?’” So as a California resident, are you required by law to be on a low-carb diet? Bioni Deliverance Sound King Records Mmmm, vinyl. And a limited edition picture disc, no less. Bionic’s sophomore release sees Jon Cummins sharing guitar and facial hair duties with none other than Change of Heart’s Ian Blurton, with devastating effects. It’s kind of hard to put Bionic’s sound into words (all I could say at first was ‘Fucking Hell’), but if you can imagine the Queens of the Stone Age meeting their maker in a horrific train wreck, you’d be getting warm. The opening track, “Turn You Out”, is a blistering statement of intent with Cummins ostensibly pioneering the concept of singing whilst constipated. Their balls-to-the-wall, rock’ n’ roll swagger is prominent throughout, although “Shake It Annie, Shake It!” and “Little Mistake’ could be described as radio-friendly. As a truly mindblowing record that transports the listener to well within beard-tugging distance of Bionic’s live sound, this one goes to eleven, as a wise man once said. -David Lawrence Boyskout School of Etiquette Alive Records This San Francisco all-girl band plays a blend of pop and new wave, bringing to mind early Cure, Sleater-Kinney and Joy Division. Their songs range from tight, dark ditties to synthdriven ballads. Not really my bag, but good for the 1-4am driving shift on a road trip down the Oregon coast....on mushrooms.
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You know, I think that’s going to be brought up for vote with Schwarzenegger. You’ve spent a lot of time in Vancouver. In your expert opinion, what is the best gentleman’s club here? At the time, I think it was called the Marble Arch. [R.I.P.] We all know from the book and the videos that Tommy was the biggest. Who’s the most well endowed in the Brides of Destruction? I don’t know. We haven’t got out the old ruler lately. Hey, I guess people will just have to find out on their own. What’s your favorite Venom song? I was never really a fan of Venom. What’s your favorite SprëadEagle song? Be honest. I don’t even know who that is. Are they on a record label? -8-Ball
The Breakup Society James at 35 Get Hip Recordings
In sharp contrast to my no-man band concept, Chicago’s Cougars boast eight men among their ranks. This makes for a kind of ‘Oxes From The Crypt’ type thing—loud guitars, horns and keybz, as well as a real Albini-esque drum sound. These guys also have the funniest song titles around. I’m sure these are inside jokes that only the band and their tightest bros truly “get”, but I’d be hard pressed to deny the comedy of a song called “Mustard Is Pissed”. –8-Ball Brides Of Destruction Here Comes The Brides Sanctuary I became a Mötley Crüe fan on my 8th birthday. My older sister gave me a tape of Shout At The Devil and it blew my feeble mind. Now, many years and many many hangovers later, that album remains an all-time favourite for both sentimental and aspirational reasons. Unfortunately for the Crue, the ‘90s happened and we watched in disbelief as they put out a string of albums that were less than inspired. With Brides, Sixx and Co. have made an album that takes everything that was great about hard rock in the ‘80s and put a modern edge on it while still remaining as in your face as fuck. If you buy only one album this year, you probably won’t take my advice and will end up buying the new G Unit or something. Fine. If you buy only one album in the next week or two, buy this and prepare to have most or all of your ass kicked out of your face. -8-Ball Damageplan New Found Power Elektra
–Jono Jak
I’m not one for the pop-punk craze, and the Breakup Society isn’t about to change my mind with their new album, James at 35. Think Bowling for Soup’s more immature, more emo, younger brothers. Fine, I’ll admit I did like a few of the 16 songs. “Robin Zander” is a good way to start off the disc and “The New Ronnie Spector” caught my attention. But the “Yeah Yeah”s and “Uh-huh”s got to me after a while and I had to lay this one to rest. Keep at it, find your voice and get back to me when emo isn’t cool anymore, then we’ll talk. -Intern From Hell Casey Jones The Few The Proud The Crucial Indianola Records Drop that brewski, spit out that doobie, wipe the Big Mac bits from the corner of yer mouth, weld that zipper shut, and tell yer folks there will be no church for you this Sunday. This is straight edge anthemic hardcore, y’all. These Floridian upstarts take an admirable stand, X up their paws and shred. Their songs are obviously tailored for performing live with sweet pit-producing breakdowns, double kick, and frantic vocals. The song titles are hilarious, but the songs themselves often have vague lyrics that are left wide open for misinterpretation. Or worse. “...I eat you like a buffet of fried chicken on Black Church Sunday...” could be forgiven as youthful yap-
Having cared little for Pantera in the first place, I wasn’t really expecting much from their new incarnation as Damageplan. Headed by ex-Halford and Diesel Machine guitarist Pat Lachman and ex-Pantera members Dimebag Darrell and Vinnie Paul, New Found Power has a few shining moments but remains a mediocre record at best. The sound is straight outta 1994 with its dropped-D grungy guitars, bitter lyrics, and drawn-out vocals. A lot of these songs wouldn’t be out of place on preNirvana metal records, but unlike fine wines this style doesn’t age very well. I will, however, give Damageplan some credit for “keeping it real” and not enlisting a spiky-haired DJ or hip producer to keep their sound fresh. -Adam Simpkins Deicide Scars Of The Crucifix Earache Deicide has been at it for about 15 years now. Their new album is a real change of pace, lyrically speaking, in that it deals exclusively in Satanic subject matter. Also included is a 40minute “Behind the Scenes” DVD that really sheds some light as to why singer/bassist Glen Benton is so fixated on his anti-Christian campaign. Apparently he was made to attend catholic school as a child where a priest touched his bum on a fairly regular basis. Who knew? -8-Ball
Grandma Moses Too Little, Too Late Perris records This early-90’s band was Vancouver’s answer to Hanoi Rocks. Other than having a hilariously cheesy cock rock hotline that I’d constantly call and laugh at, they stood out from the bad hair metal of Madi Hai, Nemisis Gypsy, Kiss, Bang and so forth. There’s talk of a reformation, which I leave open to speculation, and wonder why the McCrackins just don’t make a new omelet as I really thought those were some good eggs. -Billy Hopeless Holopaw S/T Sub Pop This sounds familiar. Oh wait, it’s exactly like the last album I just listened to by Iron and Wine. What? They’re on the same record label? What? They’re going on tour together this summer? How convenient. Aside from some backing vocals and a few instrument changes, Holopaw and Iron and Wine are not much different from each other. Holopaw has a strong album—it’s a little more upbeat than Iron and Wine, but still has the same melancholy effect. Both write songs about nature and love and all that gooey stuff. -Intern From Hell Hoosegow The Last Buffet Independent Here we gotz another Victoria super group. Tyler (Staggers, Jizz Wailers) Big Rick Sweathog, Glen Lid, and Jason A.W.T round out this enormous line-up. These bastiddz must outweigh Poison Idea. As for the CD, this is one solid, crunchy production job courtesy of Brainless and the Rat’s Nest. “Julie’s Dad’s a Cop”, “Gator” and their rendition of the Bad Brains’ “Pay to Cum” all fuckin’ rip. This fucker has a rockin’ style to it that kind of sticks from start to finish. Tyler’s dual vocals reminded me of the Stitches and the Freeze. I’ll be bringing this fucker to the Vic-West Bowl. You can catch these guys at the Bro-balt every few months. Don’t let yerself down. -Dustin Jak Iron and Wine Our Endless Numbered Days Sub Pop Sub Pop can’t afford to pump out the 90’s alternative bands anymore if they expect to survive, so why not some folk rock? Singer Sam Beam, aka Iron and Wine, brings us 12 good ol’ fashioned American countryside folk songs. OK, so it’s not exactly Simon and Garfunkel, but the effort is there. Iron and Wine manages to make a slow, melancholy record, but somehow keeps you interested enough to not fall asleep. If you’re into the coffee shop acoustic acts or need background music for studying—and by studying I mean making out with chicks—then this CD should be aces up your sleeve. -Intern From Hell Jet Get Born Elektra Everyone’s heard of Jet—they’re that Australian band that wholesale ripped off Iggy on their first radio single “Are You Gonna Be My Girl”. But hey, there’s no such thing as bad press. There are some catchy rock ditties here, but hear something on the radio enough and you’re gonna hate it. All it takes is some Jock hummin’ “Cold Hard Bitch” at the bank machine, and I’m out. These guys are no better than any other greasy rock bands slugging it out in the sewers; they just got the “Big Break”. You can definitely hear influences from the Kinks, AC/DC and Oasis. Major label rock—
Off the Record -Jono Jak
Kataklysm Serenity In Fire Nuclear Blast Fleshcrawl Made Of Flesh Metal Blade Into Eternity Buried In Oblivion Century Media A Frenchman, a German and a Canadian walk into a bar. They all decide to start metal bands and put out albums that bore people to death. When I start my death metal band, we’re going to have kick-ass lyrics about the eye of the Cyclops or the conquest of groupies and our pursuit of the “Golden Fleece”. We will also have an unequalled live show with lasers and giant fans. This will create the illusion that we are playing above the lip of a tornado with herpes. -8-Ball Various Punch Drunk 5 TKO First off, this is some of the best cover art I’ve seen in a while: a clever, well illustrated drawing based on the first volume of the “Killed By Death” compilation series. In this 5th edition of the Punch Drunk series we get the official debut of Vancouver’s Emergency with their explosive track “Bombs Still Ticking”! Other exclusive and unreleased material includes stuff by Class Assassins, the Partisans, Terminus City, Reducers SF, Antiseen and The Butchers. Twenty-nine acts in total, all playing quality punk rock. The retail price goes for around six measly dollars, so if you know what’s good for you, get this compilation. -Aaronoid Soldier of 4tune Lets Rock SOCAN 80’s metal fans rejoice! Vancouver’s Soldier of 4tune has come to resurrect your faith in the Metal Gods and prove that Ratt and Poison are still cool. OK, that may be a little extreme but Soldier of 4 Tune’s Let’s Rock tries to rekindle some of that 80’s metal magic without much luck. “Defenders of Faith”, “Let’s Rock” and “Rock Bottom” are the highlights of the disc, but only because the riffs are catchy. The voice of Mark Champagne is tolerable as well, but all seven of these songs sound like generic metal that would fit in nicely to a soundtrack for an early Duke Nukem-type video game. -Intern From Hell The Special Goodness Land Air Sea Epitaph Taking a cue from Dave Grohl, or maybe even Phil Collins, Weezer’s Patrick Wilson has taken himself from behind the drum-kit to front the Special Goodness. Joined by ex-Rocket From the Crypt sticks-man Atom Willard, Land Air Sea is a crisp little pop album without any pretensions. The twelve songs clip along at a steady-pace without treading into the fauxarena rock that Weezer has succumbed to with its last two albums. Don’t let the Epitaph label fool you though, the Special Goodness are as sugary as the name suggests. -Adam Simpkins The Mighty Stars The Mighty Stars Are Go Avebury Records From studying the Evil of Mankind throughout history it has become apparent to me that all the
wickedest serial killers— madmen, dictators and all-around dark souls—listen to pop music. The more sugary the songs, the more crazed their deeds get. So if you really want to scare someone, throw out those death metal, industrial and goth albums and try cranking up these four lads from England and notice how your friends and neighbours will start worrying about your sanity and talking to you with hesitation as this is the happiest, gooiest hookiest stuff to blare out of the evil house of hopeless in ages. -Billy Hopeless
Subhumans
The New York Vaults s/t EP Misshappen Publishing, BMI If you ain’t hip to the NYV, where ya been? Listenin’ to something good or somethin’? Sheeeet, anyone can make a good album. These rebel rockers don’t conform to those antiquated conventions. Contrary right down to their marketing, the NYV are out to twist up the game, flip the script, if you will. Peep the steez: 1. Design a full colour poster 2. Autograph it (thanks Hyde, Race, and Slade!) 3. Declare yourselves to be the “greatest rock and roll band on earth” 4. Release a CD single and an EP 5. Decide who gets to play what instrument 6. Learn how to play (Optional). The Result: Apprehensively yodeled lyrics no deeper than a bottle cap and a drummer that sounds like he’s being lurched out of a nap several times a song. If this album was made by elementary students.....nope, it still sucks. I need a Nickelback enema. -J. Pee Patchez Subhumans Live In A Dive Fat Wreck Chords My teenage years. How misspent they were, coping with angst and the outside world. But what restored my faith was a handful of bands that would occupy my stereo. Discharge, MDC and the Dead Kennedys all had a message with meaning. But England’s Subhumans’ had a message and defined sound that stood out above all the rest in the late 80’s. A few short decades later, give or take, and we get a live album. Recorded last April in front of an enthusiastic crowd in Corona, California, this quality sounding performance features multiple tracks from the band’s 10 releases between 1981 and 1985. Also included is a brand new track entitled “This Year’s War”, a poignant song with a self-explanatory title. -Aaronoid. The Sounds Living In America New Line Records Swedish people are small and cuddly. At least that’s what I would think if I based my perception of Swedes by the Sounds. This is a cool sounding record that sounds like it could have easily been pulled from the middle of anyone’s 80’s record collection. They have the energy of such 80’s power groups as The GoGo’s and Billy Idol. Lead singer, Maja Ivarsson, carries herself with the confidence of a young Deborah Harry. This album is packed with retro keyboards, xylophones and all sorts of weird shit. This is the type of CD you could slide on at a punk rock party to get the ladies dancing while still keeping the vests happy. -Jono Jak
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inding up the North American leg of their tour to promote their new CD, Live in a Dive, Dick Lucas of Subhumans fame took time to randomly email me info. I later formed questions around this info. Dick is also a member of Citizen Fish along with two other Subhumans. He was also in Culture Shock along with the member of Citizen Fish who wasn’t a Subhuman. Huh? What act does your band never want to be compared to? Compare us all you like! I mean, there’s a list of bands a zillion miles across that we don’t sound like, and another list that we do. So if there’s any way you can compare us to say, Kajagoogoo, go for it! But on the other hand, don’t. People might read between the lines and think we have secret 80’s pop-pap record collections [shiver]. On your dream bill, what two acts would Subhumans be sandwiched between? KajagooWHOOPS...um....Minor Threat and
away” and “the girl it would never work with anyway” and “the girl…” Fuck. By song six, eBay was beckoning. I can only hope this claptrap of mainstream brainwashing did not infiltrate my steel-trap mind. The world doesn’t need more McLitter. -madmarco Story of the Year Page Avenue Maverick I’m really trying to be open-minded and patient with the current state of manufactured punk rock. I realize that hardcore bands will never get the attention they deserve, and I know it will be a long time before the Blood Brothers
Photo: Courtesy of Fat Wreck Chords
buy the record or turn on the radio.
Sex Pistols What recording humbles you every time you hear it and why? Fixed CD by Nine inch Nails, ‘cause the sounds they generate on that are beyond comprehension, as in how do they do that? Amazing, and very good music for driving. Worst gig ever? Possibly Chippenham [local] in ’85— Subhumans and four other bands and vodkaderanged kids putting hands thru windows and cops closing it down and a shit sound and general dismalness. It was the gig that led Trotsky [our drummer] to announce he was going to pack it all in! Have you ever thought of pulling a switch with the Vancouver Subhumans and play each other’s show like the movie The Parent Trap? Well, no. I mean they split about 22 years ago for a start. Sounds like a wacky idea if you avoid realism creeping in though! -Ryan Calvery get their due credit, but it is inexcusable for a band like Story of the Year to exist. Page Avenue opens with a fiery spark: a force of guitars and a throaty scream, but forty-five seconds later the band feels the need to break-itdown in a way that leaves me shaking my head. The band takes the worst elements of Death by Stereo and composes lyrics that would make Dashboard Confessional wince. Story of the Year obviously has some decent hardcore influences in them, but for some unknown reason they sabotage each song with pissy laments or a string-arrangement. Shame on you. -Adam Simpkins
The Get Up Kids Guilt Show Vagrant Records This CD is a total piece of piss—diluted, washed-out, tame, wholesomely bland. Bad music heavily produced for fifteen-year-old pop princesses. It has all the passion of a young suburban egocentric trying to be famous, dealing with such hot issues as “the girl that got
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Column
CONFESSIONS OF A PORNOGRAPHIC EXCERPT-IST by Big Red Ainsworth
says my father. Nuts. Some guy on the bus, he could tell I was mad. He kept his mouth shut for a while, then he asked me, I can’t believe he asked me this: “Why not try to earn extra money on the side?” he asked me. His name was Lance, a notorious homosexual with a love for fine kicks and all night ass-action
My new friend on the bus pointed out some facts: “The market for pornographic novels and novellas, that is, pornographic writings, not pictures, is both wide, busy and lucrative. You can write straight-on stuff, or gay stuff, or stuff about lesbiands, but be warned because the lesbiands are intellectual and caustic. All lesbiands are noted to
My new friend on the bus pointed out some facts: “The market for pornographic novels and novellas, that is, pornographic writings, not pictures, is both wide, busy and lucrative.
M
an o man o man o man. After an eighty-hour week in the hat factory making berets for soldiers, I got my first paycheque. It was a paycheque for six dollars. I get paid only a nickel an hour, and I work, man, I work like a Greek in the basement, on the bobble-machine that I took the safety guard off of. Six dollars. Jesus wept. I took off the safety to facilitate rapidoment in the bobbling process. It increases work rate, but you can easily lose an arm. But that’s why God gave you two,
and fullbore fisting, all day and all night and with a member to match. He was, in fact, performing an outrage on himself as he said the words. He modeled his unit like a rubber sculpture, Clause Oldenburg’s plastic monument, issues of consumerism; it was a neoconstructivism of the pants, okay. It was all there in his pants. It was disgusting. “You can earn extra money writing pornographic novels, novellas and extracts!” And he was right. To date my new career, so to speak, has netted me a mouthopening four hundred and seventy-five dollars. Maybe it’s not a fat ransom, but it’s nothing to criticize. God, you people are such prisses!
have violent and intemperate dispositions… oh, is this my stop? Goodbye.” He left. I went to work. Under the penname Enoch Powell, I have published seven novels of a straight, lesbiand and so-called homofagual disposition. It is a great thing to be a man of letters. And now, here it is, and extract from my yet unpublished novella: HELP! FIRE! Call the Fag Department! King Junior looked up from his novella about parachutes when the doorbell runged and he got up and you could see in his slacks and he answered the door and it was the guy from the Fag Department and he was nude,
Found!
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of course. His penis was mean. It was a penis ready for action, but with a difference. It was a mean, BIG Penis. “Instead of Frank Piston, they should call you Frank Penis!” he laughed. He was nude in seconds. “I’ll take your dick now!” “Put the dick in me, from behind.” “Let’s do it, this sex! It’s really hot!” “This is the hottest act of sodomy ever or my name isn’t King Junior!” “And in that case, that unlikely case, my name also would not be Frank Piston!” They had sex for hours. Thanks for reading! BONUS!~ For Lesbiands only. Gail had so much mouth suck with Tabitha it was like she was sore down there. It was a red-hot sex action of an all-lady nature, just like the novel Stone Angel by Margerat Lurence, which is a pen-name of notorious homosexual Gary Isaakson, who is known as a notorious and distemperate prostitute and has anonymous sex-acts in cars. Also with women, who are really just men with
The Shit People Go and Drop
Uh, not quite sure what to say about this one... except... WHAT!?!? “Found” by M. Mann somewhere in the East End.
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Books & DVDs Coloring Outside the Lines: A Punk Rock Memoir It’s not often that we here at the Nerve get such in-depth interviews. Aimee Cooper, author of Coloring Outside the Lines, is an emotional powder keg and wants you to know it. She tells us her darkest secrets; things she couldn’t reveal in her book. She puts her heart on the line; she digs down deep inside herself and speaks her mind. She is a true inspiration to all struggling writers. Where is all the sex and drugs in your rock ‘n’ roll book? There isn’t any sex or drugs. In the book you mention you were close with Black Flag. Give us the dirt on Henry Rollins. Was there any indication that he would grow up to be a spoken word artist ? Be honest. There isn’t any dirt Does Henry give you the time o’ day now? Why would he? Just out of curiosity, how do you define groupie? I don’t. How is it that a dozen or so teenagers were living in the same house together for months on end and not one case of herpes or crabs went around? I don’t know. Ivory soap? After reading Coloring, I noticed you have an unhealthy fetish with exclamation marks. When did this first start and are you getting help? Childhood, most likely. What do you think you have contributed to punk rock by writing this book? Probably not a darn thing. -Intern From Hell
By Aimee Cooper Rowdy’s Press
I
am Istvan. Caretaker of Nerve offices during night time. Istavan is from Hungary. I am Istvan. People ask me to say something about this boy, his name is Brad and he is intern from Calgary. I suppose Istvan remember Brad best of all because Istvan and Boy very close. Very close. I am Istvan. What Istvan remember about Boy now he is gone like so much of the phlegm in the wind of time and fields of endless grey? Well. Istvan tell you something. Many lunches we enjoy. Brad like Lion!!!. He also have the humourous aspect. We paint kooky clown faces on each others during our magnificent friendship. During lunch one time, Istvan he growls - I love you so much Brad. I want to paint your face like the clown! He say go ahead. His laughter remind me of tanks in streets of Budapest, small boy, bad time for Hungarian people you have no idea. That is why Istvan is so what is it - dissappoint by Brad book review. Was it too much of our time together so that he cannot write properly? I am Istvan! Coloring Outside the Lines is the memoirs of a girl who shared accommodations with a bunch of street kids, some of whom turned out to be reknowned punk rock stars. Even with all the hatred surrounding punks in L.A. in the early 80’s, author Aimee Cooper manages to convince us that this was the place to be. They were spit at and were the targets of ridicule at the best of times, and were targets of gang-beatings and police brutality at the worst of times. Her autobiography brings readers
back to that special period in American music when punks were under constant scrutiny for the way they dressed and stabbings and overdoses were the order of the day. Many new Black Flag and X fans are too young to have lived through this era, and Coloring provides a nostalgic lesson of what it was like to be a punk rocker in the 80’s. Cooper’s upbeat tone may seem excessive at times—proven by the obscene amount of exclamation marks—but that just proves how grounded Aimee is and was. The book goes through tales of police harassment, band members passing out on Cooper’s couch (a scary but true story involves the one and only Johnny Thunders) and housemates stealing from each other. With all that baggage it’s easy to become jaded and bitter about that time, but Cooper embraces the adversity and claims that she learned a lot from that time in history. Cooper then shares her story of becoming a college graduate who tries to fit in and belong to something important. After reading Coloring, we realize that what most people want is to belong. Cooper just happened to belong to one of the most memorable eras in punk history. -Intern From Hell You see what I am meaning? Istvan worry about Brad and contact Brad school the Albert Intézmény Technika - forgive poor english. Istvan old and life is hard. Istvan know that belly not so big if Istvan do bad job of mop Nerve floor and such. Then Mrs Istvan very cold. Very sad because she hungry. I say to Brad (other Brad) is funny, eh??!! HA HA HA HA HA OLD ISTVAN!! He say - what is funny Istvan? I say - is like Brad (is first Brad I mention to you) write about book, OK? Then Istvan write about Brad!! HA HA HA!!! He do pretty lousy job, though. I am Istvan!
DVDs
The Dropkick Murphys On the Road with the Dropkick Murphys [DVD] Hellcat I’m pretty sure bands put out DVDs to SHOW everyone how cool they LOOK. We know how cool they SOUND, but the DVD gives us a visual feast. This DVD shows the Murphys playing a slew of cool Boston/Irishy events. They play St. Patty’s Day in Boston and even a Boston Bruins hockey game. Of course, these shows are very well received, making them look super cool, hence making it onto the DVD. They have a tour video section entitled “65 Days of Hell”. If playing in front of thousands of people every night and traveling in a half-million dollar tour bus is hell, I’ll meet you at the fiery gates! The DVD also has tons of videos and a Labour Day documentary with the boys playing AFL-CIO Headquarters in Washington D.C. and being introduced by president John Sweeney. Must be an Irish working class solidarity thing. This DVD has lots of good stuff for the full-time or part-time Irishman. -Jono Jak The Dead Milkmen Philadelphia In Love DVD Restless/Ryko Disc Some people out there really like the Dead Kennedys. You could probably find them down at the Cobalt. Some others really like the Dead Boys. These types are more likely to be stumbling around the Brickyard. I always really liked the Dead Milkmen and I spend most of my time hanging out in Mission. Anyhoo, what we’ve got here is seven music videos, seven live clips from various points in their career and a very fucking funny TV news-piece from 1985. Unlike most other DVDs, the additional audio commentaries from the band are hilarious, especially the opinions of singer Rodney Anonymous. Irreverent genius! R.I.P. Dave Blood -8-Ball
AN EVENING OF SPOKEN WORD WITH
JELLO BIAFRA WEDNESDAY APRIL 21 – VOGUE THEATRE GENERAL ADMISSION • DOORS 6:30PM • SHOW 7:30PM TICKETS ALSO AVAILABLE AT ZULU AND SCRATCH
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Fi l m
THE ANIMALS ARE ATTACKING THE HUMANS
Nerve-worthy Films New to DVD Glass and Shattered Glass is a dramatization of his rise at The New Republic and his ultimate downfall. As played by Hayden Christensen, Stephen Glass is a typical nebbish, over-educated white upper middle-class twentysomething trying to eke out a living using his liberal arts degree in the best possible way. Shattered Glass is an excellent recreation of the office hothouse environment, due in large part to the work of a fine ensemble cast. Besides Christensen (who still seems unsure, but turns in his finest work to date), Hank Azaria, Chole Sevigny, Melanie Lynskey and Steve Zahn are all impressive. The greatest kudos here have to go the Peter Sarsgaard, who’s understated performance as New Republic editor Chuck Lane is so believable that he almost becomes the main focus of the film. Unfortunately, director Billy Ray makes a fatal mistake and prevents Shattered Glass from becoming a great movie instead of being a merely good one. The film refuses to indulge the viewer in the details of Glass’ con. There is precious little information on how and why Stephen Glass did what he did, which seems an odd choice considering the details of his deceptions are highly germane to the film’s narrative. I find it hard to believe that most people going in to Shattered Glass wouldn’t already have an idea that it was a movie about a journalist who fabricated his stories. So why does Billy Ray feel it necessary to play things coy and pretend like we don’t already know Stephen Glass is fucking everyone over? I wanted to see how Glass concocted his schemes and covered his tracks. I wanted the fake notes, the fake websites, the fake voicemails and everything else behind Glass’ deception revealed (in such a way as to elicit the maximum amount of suspense, of course) for all to see. What good is a con-man movie that doesn’t share some insider secrets? I guess the point is that Shattered Glass isn’t really about the con; it’s about the environment that created it. It’s about the intense pressure-cooker office environment that allows for blunt criticism of each other’s work, but a lackadaisical attitude towards factchecking. Fair enough, but after it all I remember more details from the “60 Minutes” piece that accompanies the DVD than the film itself.
SHATTERED GLASS Directed by Billy Ray Starrign Hayden Christensen, Peter Sarsgaard, Chole Sevigny, Hank Azaria, Steve Zahn, Melanie Lynskey and Rosario Dawson.
By: Bjorn Olson
M
ost of you know that journalism requires the gift of bullshit. Be it an Op-Ed item flaunting some trendy political agenda or a record reviewer cumming all over their best friend’s band, writers constantly rely on lies, trickery and deceit to make their piece more intriguing, or incendiary, or just more readable. Shattered Glass is about one journalist who went far enough to make his stories eminently readable if not fantastical that it allowed him to have over 50 stories published over a three-year period and rise to the associate editorship of The New Republic (before getting his ass fired and completely blacklisted from even the tiniest backwater tabloid). He made shit up. The bullshitter in question is Stephen
the situation, and the gloss white and bloodied aesthetic of the corpses really brings to mind the Sesame Street skits that used to freak me out as sergeant Dan approached from the back alley. All childish memories aside, this film will really get to you as the clumsy look and feel of the rubber leeches pack a gross and drawn out punch that stalks the viewer until the explosive conclusion. They don’t make swamps like they used to….
PROPHECY
By: Sinister Sam
I
remember back in high school English class when my teacher asked us what we think symbolized the end of the hippy generation. All the snappy answers began to flow as we all contemplated the big issues and shit, but when he revealed to us the easy answer, I just smiled. Of course, the movie JAWS (1975) marked the official end to the hippies and their seemingly endless amounts of love and harmony via drugs, alcohol, and sex. The fact that nature is finally attacking back, struck a real symbolic chord with North American civilization at the time. JAWS also put an end to the seventies stylizations of class films (albeit JAWS did and does carry some amazing seventies subtle power), with its empire of future blockbusters, changing the face of Hollywood, but I like the nature reference a lot more. Let’s face it; humans are filth. We are indeed human animals. Nature will always “find a way” to eat, mangle, and constantly remind us who is really boss. Deeper than the ocean is the concept that life must be renewed and we all must be discarded among the relics by the killer fucking shrews, the fucked up weasels, and the blood insects! This sets the stage for this little list of “animals that kill” movies. Nature’s blood recognition cult!!
WEASELS RIP MY FLESH
(1979 Dir: Nathan Schiff) A rocket that picks up some radioactive material from the planet Venus crash lands in a Long Island pond and the shit is poured by some kids into a weasel hole. Of course, the weasels are transformed into giant genetically mutated brown rubber suited beasts that
THE KILLER SHREWS
(1959 Dir: Ray Kellogg) Witnessing scenes from this intense nuclear age horror film really stuck to me as a kid, all the way up until I finally acquired a good copy of the film. The changes caused by some fucked up medical experiments via a doctor making the giant shrews are played magnificently by dressed up dogs that have the fanged faces of the girls from SHE DEMONS. The intensity of the attacks is venomous as the dogs squeal and hiss like feedback as they ravage the occupants of the island with their fangs. Some abstract and genuinely horrific chaos here.
ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHE
(1959 Dir: Bernard L. Kowalski) The underwater caves that the leeches use for storage is, of course, dark and dank, exposing an atmosphere that resembles something from the darker moments of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, but with more umph as the leeches slowly drink the humans. The moaning and the groaning supports the reality of
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(1979 Dir: John Frankenheimer) Quite possibly the the most underrated of monster movies. The answer to the 25-cent question is that there’s mercury spilling into the river systems thanks to the mill upstream. The animals in the area are drinking and living off the water, resulting is monsterish changes to the critters of the forest. After we are inflicted with the sighting of a giant salmon, and then a raccoon attack, then the shit hits the fan when the towering mutated bear gets into the action. The sleeping bag wailing scene is brutal, the bear looks like an extra from Fulci’s ZOMBI 2, and the aggressive killings that follow strike some real terror in the hearts of man hiding underground. The director makes great use of the old night time driving view via the headlights as the heroes make their way out of the deep forest, adding to the B WITCH side of things. You leave this film with the same feeling after watching Carpenter’s THE THING, “Man, that was an in depth creature muck/fuck ride!”
look like monsters from SPECTREMAN. The film even has a surprise mutated weasel human monster and the stolen soundtrack from HORROR OF PARTY BEACH and even THE SHINING (edited like a Merzbow album) add to the Long Island atmosphere. Amazing low budget trash that re-defines the monster picture all the way from the get-go credit speech that sums up nature’s human trodden path.
DO
N’T
and TOM LEE MUSIC present the
MIS
SI
T!
C AREER DEVELOPMENT SERIES featured speakers
SHOPPING FOR A DEAL: Getting Your Music Out There WEDNESDAY, APRIL 7th - 7:00 PM Tom Lee Music Hall - 3rd Floor, 929 Granville To pre-register for this session call 604.873.1914 or visit www.musicbc.org $15 Music BC members - $25 non-members
Chris Brandt Universal Music
John Dexter Dexter Entertainment
Steve Dickson PHD Canada
Marc LaFrance Delinquent Records
John Maniatis Nettwerk Productions
“We acknowledge the financial support of the Government of Canada through the Canada Music Fund for this project.”
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Games
Puzzle Page
WIN A BIG FAT JOINT!
In Person: Bring your completed puzzles to the Nerve office weekdays between 12- 5pm or you can mail them to: The Nerve Magazine 508-825 Granville St. Vancouver, BC V6Z-1K9
Crossword -by Dan Scum Across 1. Sleep spot 4. Recipe measurement 8. Restaurant at Kingsway and Earles in East Van 12. ____ and Joe’s deli at Hastings and Nanaimo in East Van 13. Camera stand 15. Section 16. McDonald’s and______(90’s) 17. Male Prostitute 18. Kitsilano’s premier Vegetarian restaurant 19. Home of the Whopper 22. Scums of a sort 23. Censor from the public 24. “look under the ____” 27. Citrus drinks 28. Postal circuits (abrv) 29. Prod about 31. Music genre with Bitches and Hos and Beats and Rhymes 32. Make a mistake 33. Burger King Fish Sandwich 34. Taco Bell favourites 37. Taco Bell Chihuahua, A&W Root Bear, and Ronald McDonald 38. Monopoly Erections 39. Mink 40. National Trade Organization 41. “Weird” Al Yankovic’s Smash Hit of the 80’s 42. Diving birds 43. Was at 44. Smart New Yorker 45. Beachcomber’s bum 47. Headlock, e.g. 48. Late founder of Wendy’s 50. Gaelic Ass 53. Means of income 54. Soda chiller 57. Jell-o ingredient 58. Distribute cards again 59. Last half of rolling papers 60. Dear ______ 61. Canuck’s Cptn’s nickname?
62. Co. near Sco. And Ire.
33. 1812,WWI,and WWII 35. Garment worn at a Hawaiian feast 36. New Atkin’s-friendly Beer by Molson 37. Snack Attacks 39. Taco Bell Breakfast 42. 7-_____ (Oh, Thank Heaven) 43. Big Snake 46. Norwegian Ivan 47. Music Programming Language 48. Rebel against 49. Oil of _____ 50. Cry of discovery 51. Steal 52. Cry 55. Soup container 56. The perfect food?
Down 1. Purchase 2. Narcissist’s problem 3. Big Mac feature 4. Geo’s partner 5. McDonalds burger 6. Pugilist 7. “Weird” Al’s Dad’s tunes 8. Crappy Orange drink powder 9. Oregon Restaurant Association 10. Soup with Ham 11. _____ I am 13. Striped cats (abrv.) 14. Rollin’s album title like Nike 20. United Kingdom Securities 21. Unk’s rels. Last Issue’s 22. Potato type 24. KFC Meal dimension 25. Assisted a fugitive 26. Human being 27. McDonalds logo 28. Fast Food Chain Sales People 30. Masked dumpster diver (abrv)
Secret Wives Club Developer: Sekilala Publisher: G-Collections Platform: PC Rating: Adults Only Web: G-collections.com If there’s one thing to love about Japan, it’s Anime… and, of course, the fact that they introduced bukakke and golden showers to the rest of the world. Secret Wives Club is an interactive dating-sim, a very popular genre in Nihon. SWC is a fucking click-fest nightmare and these types of games are heavily story driven, so there is lots of reading to do before you’re jerkin’ the gherkin, for those of you looking for that. A nice feature provided is a button that skips all the conversations and gets you to the Hentai photos of young, nude, sexy, anime women. Anyway, the story revolves around 3 housewives who aren’t being satisfied at home by their men. That’s where you come in, training the wives to perform sexual acts, obedience, torture
and more. In Japan they call this fetish “hitozuma”. It roughly translates into, erotica involving married women. Secret Wives Club has superb anime art and happy fun music, as do all these hentai wankfests. The Japanese female voice actors are top notch and it doesn’t matter what they say, they sound so damn sexy. Dating-sim games are getting more exposure in North America, which is fine, but they don’t have much to offer. I would rather see an American publisher translate a proper Japanese adult oriented rpg along the likes of the Viper series than a click-through game. I can’t really recommend this one, even for a good tug. You’ll probably have more fun diggin’ out the old classic cobra mission adult rpg from the early 90’s. Adler Floyd
Eye Candy: 5 Tunes: 3 Gameplay: 1 Chill Factor: 1 Verdict: After playing this game, you will need to buy a new mouse.
Solution:
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Porn
NERVELAND SMUT RANCH
The Best of Pamela Anderson Starring: Pam Anderson Director: Vicangelo Bulluck
Pam Anderson is the epitome of every teenage
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boy’s fantasy. So, in keeping with the freshness of spring, I thought it appropriate to revisit lustful innocence with this video. This video is not hard-core porn (you’d have to check out her home movie with Tommy for that), but it is hot! It starts with early footage of Pam when she still had the girl next-door look and an unshaved beaver. Playboy has an uncanny knack for making ladies look good, and Pamela, in this video, is no exception. This movie contains a lot of biographic information, so for those who want to know all about Pam, you’ll find much to indulge in. For instance, did you know that Pamela was born in 1967 on Canada’s centennial birthday? She was the first baby born on this day, so she received a grant and some medals commemorating that day. Yes, exciting. This video is at its best when Pam talks about her experiences, rather than the terrible voice over which takes away from the Pamliciousness. You can see the transformation that Pamela undergoes from a brunette girl-next-door from Comox, B.C, into a bottle blonde, with huge tits, and a slowly diminishing brown beaver. If this film would be any longer it would get tedious, because it is not much more than Pamela posing and looking like the supreme fuck cushion.
Anal All Stars
Starring: Sally Layd, Valentino, Marc Wallice, Jordan Lee, Joey Silvera, Vanessa Chase, Tom Chapman, Dallas D’Amour, Sean Michaels, and Michaela Adkins. Director: Jackson St. Louis My, my how fast we grow up. What started off as innocent wantonness has matured into fullfledged debauchery. We have moved from classy fun, appropriate for the whole family, to a ‘C’ grade hard-core anal cheese fest. From the moment you hit play, you will know by the picture quality and the xylophone used in the intro music, that your discretion will be put to the test. Although this is a ‘C’ grade film, the dialog and set-up really draw you into the action. A group of ladies are assembled, but a couple of them are a little weary about the whole situation: “Don’t worry about it, kid, they know what they’re doing, these guys are the best… Who are these guys anyway? The all-stars, kid. The Anal All Stars…” And thus the action begins. The fast paced dialog is a major asset to this film, adding sex, drama, and humor into the story. What is great about this film is that it does not take itself too seriously. It knows you can still have a lot of fun with a low budget. Be prepared for clit piercings,
mediocre looking actors and ass acne. Although anal penetration is the main feature of this film, pussy penetration is not neglected. This film is by no means a masterpiece, but it has its moments and should sustain your interest long enough to get the job done. -Max Crown
Skate
t e a S p k ot S
Cract Pipe RIP
F
irst, Skate Spot would like to formally thank the Cractpipe for 4 years of shredding and keeping it real on the east side. It’s true, the Cractpipe is no longer, but we can always hope for a new location, though Andy wouldn’t comment on that possibility. We can always hope. The Cractpipe didn’t, as previously insinuated, close as a result of bureacratic wrangling (in fact, Andy was grateful for some of the help he got from some people at the City), but for a variety of others reasons. Although skaters as a whole did appreciate having a dry place to skate and a really well-designed and unique mini, support was inconsistent (you know when it’s sunny, skaters just don’t show up to indoor facilities) which contributed to the ramp’s demise. We’re all grateful that ramp was around for as long as it was. Thanks especially go to Andy Hurcum, Shan, Willis and the ESD, Seb and crew for the great design, Char Hunter and Sarah Blythe for trying to keep the project going as the Shred Shed, and everyone who came out to support it over the years. We’ll all remember the Hallowe’en and New Years parties. Keep RIPpin’ ! Yes, it’s still the rainy season. Yes, it sucks. Now there’s no more Cractpipe to ride, you can take 3 buses to Richmond or steal yo’ mama’s puce AMC Pacer and go to the RDS skatepark, located at 14380 Triangle Road in Richmond BC. For directions, go to rdsskatepark.com/location.html. You sissy. New Gastown Skate Shops “...but hope remains while company is strong...” Two shops are moving into downtown. Bomshell, previously located near the PNE, and a new store called 434 Skate are trying their luck in the big city, bringing some much-needed revitalization with them. For details on the new shops, call 434’s Logan at 604-683-4349 or Bomshell’s Mitch at 604291-0574.
Toons
Grouse presents Wind Down, April 10th, a comp for everyone from am to pro. Call Grouse for more info at 604.984.0661.
Time to reach deep into yo’ mama’s pockets and shell out for Camp of Champions in Whistler. Fun slopestyle-y terrain park, lots of rails, funboxes and superpipe to kill yourself on. Oh, we can dream, can’t we? We never got to go to Camp of Partyanimals when we were groms. Slam City is coming up! This year the circus will be at BC Place. What about those classic ho-downs and beer-swilling-while-bowl-riding fests we’ve all grown to love at Hastings Bowl? That’s a long way to drink and drive. Be sure to scam your way in, good times to be had. Skatespot is once again taking the show on the road to the Source skatepark, for Zero and Mystery tour, April 23rd. Sure, they’ll probably be in Van too, but we need a road trip! Besides, that skatepark rocks and maybe we’ll get some stickers. Adrian Lopez and Ryan Smith (hometown!) are Mystery’s first two pros with pro models available now. You can check MysterySkateboards.com for a peep at all the shiny new products your mama can’t afford. The Vancouver SkatePark Coalition fundraiser was a well-attended well-heeled hoohaa. Plenty of local politicos who lately have grown to love skateboarding. Brings a tear to the eye. Plus video premieres! No get to see Board Kennel video. See antisocial video twice, though. McCrank and Sauder have nice parts. Also very nice snax and drinx. And rad as always to see S.T.R.E.E.T.S. perform - skatespot’s favourite song was Hocus Stokus. Skatespot like the rock. -D-Rock and Miss Kim. Email us at downspace@telus.net.
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