Issuu on Google+

Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:45 PM Page 1


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:45 PM Page 2


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:45 PM Page 3


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:45 PM Page 4


Band Slut

Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:45 PM Page 5

Innards

Cover Story

of the month!

Band slut of the month: Cam Hayden

How many musical outfits are you currently whoring around with? I’m currently gigging with 2-3 (Ag Club, C.C.F. and Legion of Doooom) and the rest are in various stages of perpetual recording with future gigging plans as time allows. With the Cripple Creek Fairies I’m not so much a whore as a whorehouse madam, providing a refuge

THE NERVE HIT SQUAD

King Pin (a/k/a Editor-In-Chief) Bradley C. Damsgaard editor@thenervemagazine.com

Pistol Whipper (a/k/a Music Editor) Sarah Rowland sarah@thenervemagazine.com

The Getaway Driver (a/k/a Production Manager) Pierre Lortie production@thenervemagazine.com

Father Gary (a/k/a Visual Arts Editor) Jason Ainsworth Shotgun (a/k/a Film Editor) Bjorn Olson Friend of the Family (a/k/a Adult Content Editor) Max Crown The Henchmen (a/k/a Design & Graphics) Pierre Lortie, Saturnin, B. Damage Cover Photo: Joanna Ferraro

The Muscle (a/k/a Staff Writers) Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Cowboy TexAss, Casey Bourque, Sinister Sam, Adler Floyd, Aaronoid, Billy Hopeless, Dennis Regan, D-Rock and Miss Kim, Michael Mann, Adrian Mack, Jake Poole, Max Crown Girl Friday (a/k/a Subscriptions/Mailouts) Sue Hobler Weapons Cleaners (a/k/a Article Editors) Jon Azpiri, Ryan Calvery, Shawn Conner Fire Insurance (a/k/a Advertising) Brad Damsgaard, Kevin Angel advertise@thenervemagazine.com

Out-of-town Connections (a/k/a Distribution) Calgary: Rick Overwater, Mike Taylor. Edmonton: Graeme MacKinnon. Winnipeg: Phil and Ryan of Steel Capped Records, Victoria: Jono Jak

The Nerve is published monthly by The Nerve Magazine Ltd. The opinions expressed by the writers and artists do not necessarily reflect those of The Nerve Magazine or its editors... but often do. First publishing rights only are property of The Nerve Magazine cause we have no desire to “own” you. The Nerve does not accept responsibility for content in advertisements. The Nerve reserves the right to refuse any advertisement or submission and accepts no responsibility for unsolicited manuscripts or artwork. Copyright 2003

508 - 825 Granville St. Vancouver, B.C. V6Z 1K9 604.734.1611 www.thenervemagazine.com

How does the press respond to what is obviously a steaming pile of contrived bullshit surrounding each of your bands? You’d think they’d run with it, but a lot of press types would rather dig for the real dirt, which is, of course, boring. Nobody really cares that me and some buddies from school/work/the adult video store, decided to start a rock band that would “turn the music world on it’s head”. I don’t want to be a rock star anyway. I’d rather be a cartoon character like The Misfits or Kiss. Bands are actually pretty boring when you get down to it. Wearing leather pants and whining about how your parents don’t love you doesn’t make you interesting. Shut up, we don’t care. I, on the other hand, hunt Bigfoot from an ultralight— so buy my records. -Rick Overwater

Writers Wanted!

Victoria, Calgary, Edmonton, Winnipeg writers and Photographers to cover their respective music scenes... for more info, contact:

ADVERTISE sarah@thenervemagazine.com

(604) 734-1611

Did you know that The Nerve is now picked up by punks, drunks and yer mom clear through to Winnipeg? You do now. Get exposure for your band across Western Canada. Ask about our damn fine indie rates. contact Brad advertise@thenervemagazine.com 604-734-1611

photo: Joanna Ferraro

for a revolving lineup of other band whores including notables like the guy who claims to be Iggy Pop’s guitar player. In the meantime and in-between time, I comismanage Catch and Release Records, (www.catch-andrelease.org) and record various Calgary bands in my basement, all the while deflecting throwing stars hurled at me by my wife.

The Nerve takes a look at 20 punk peddlers, groundbreakers and troublemakers in Western Canadian rock. L to R: Joe Keithley, Drew Burns, wendythirteen

Live Wires 10

Enough about us; what do you think about us: Vancouver Bands in Different Cities plus the Playboys

Incoming 9, 13

Pulley singer plays hard ball with Judge Smails and Spackler

Jay Millette 16

Adrian Mack packs his bags and goes on a spiritual journey to find out how much beer one Black Halos guitarist can drink

Cheap Shotz 7 Casey’s Q & A 6

She wants to know: Is that a horse shoe up your ass?

Adrian Mack 7

The original idiot still drums to a different beat

Hopelessness 6

Remembers the Forgotten Rebels

Off the Record 15-16 CDs, DVD’s and Books

Film 21

Gore: Cheap Alcohol, Cheap Ass and Cheap Films Optic Nerve: Suicide Club

Skate 20 Ainsworth 18

Bumblebees and a Caveman

Smut Ranch 23 Porno Movies reviewed!

UNCENSORED!

Viewer Discretion Advised

5


Casey’s Q & A

Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:45 PM Page 6

Music

Well, it’s almost March so bust out yer green clothes for St. Patrick’s Day or else I will pinch you! I wanted to ask people this month:

Would you rather BE lucky or GET lucky? Jill TruebloodMexican Blackbirds: “I would rather get lucky, but that’s an incredibly long and complicated story….”

Monty CarloInternational Playboys: “I’m Irish so I am lucky AND get lucky!”

Laura MurrayNerve Photographer: “I get lucky enough so I’d rather be lucky. Oh, wait I am lucky-FUCK YOU!”

John Jew (he’s in the front row at every awesome Vancouver show): “I would rather be lucky ‘cuz I need the cash!”

Le Tigre Blanc-International Playboys: Well I’m Irish so I feel lucky! Plus I’m a white tiger so I get lucky too!” *Photo N/A (he’s the shy one in the group)

MARCH 22 VOGUE THEATRE, VANCOUVER MARCH 23 MACEWAN HALL, CALGARY MARCH 24 WINSPEAR CENTRE, EDMONTON TICKETS AT THE WINSPEAR BOX OFFICE, CHARGE BY PHONE (780) 428-1414, CALL TOLL FREE 1-800-563-5081

MARCH 26 BURTON CUMMINGS THEATRE, WINNIPEG 6

Forgtottenicus Rebelicus De Sadistasourus “Tell the dinosaurs not to stick around” are the opening lines to the Damned’s song “The History of the World” and though I do love that song, I disagree . Ever since I was a kid I’ve always loved dinosaurs and I’m planning to become quite a fierce one with  gnarly sharp teeth as I age. It’s unfortunate that only a few of these ferocious creatures that I’ve looked to as role models throughout my life have escaped extinction or being turned into fossil fuel for the gears of  a less threatening future. Here in Canada I’ve had a few chances to study the species known as The Forgotten Rebels and since Hamilton’s answer to a T-Rex otherwise known as Mickey DeSadist has just released his first solo album on Amp Records I thought this would be a great chance for me to do my part in leaving a personal record of his existence. Since Mickey doesn’t have a computer I thought I’d make him go over to Larry’s place-- (he runs Amp’s Records) and answer my questions via e-mail and make him take a bold step into the age of technology and let him loose for all to see.

By Billy Hopeless

So Mickey, I’ve really been enjoying your new solo record but I need to know, are the Forgotten Rebels finally over or is this just a break that’s given you time for personal reflection? Nooooo!!! What kind of idiot are you? You think the Rebels [are] over? We’re playing all the time, what’s the matter with you? We’re the biggest slackers in show business, we’ve had the best gigs we’ve had in years. This is just a bunch of stuff I was doing. Oh Mickey, I think you have me mistaken for another one of our writers named Adrian Mack. He’s an idiot. I’m just a hopeless romantic. But back to the interview, as I’ve always enjoyed seeing you live I’ve got to ask, are you planning on touring as a solo artist or are you just going to stay in your basement? OK, the Rebels are on tour and writing stuff now. I am hanging around my basement and I’m hanging around Larry’s place. We’ll do a few solo shows until we sell the records, so buy them all ‘cause you might not see them again. On the album you give us not one but two G.G. Allin covers. How did you pick these gems out of his vast wealth of hits and why did you do two instead of one? Well, because I did not have the third one recorded yet. Since we’re talking about…controversial songbirds and you’ve previously covered everyone’s favourite anthem-writing childlover, Gary Glitter, I was wondering what’s your opinion on Michael Jackson’s recent situation? Oh, and have you ever thought of covering “P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)”? Michael Jackson! I’m not going to cover any Michael Jackson songs. You know what? I think Michael Jackson is innocent. He’s just an idiot and does stupid things with money and he just wants [to] show off his money to the kids. I think he’s…a kid himself, just a bit of a dingdong, you know, because he invited trailer trash to his place and they [tried] to exploit him through their own children. But then again, I WAS NOT THERE AT ALL!!! So how would I know about that? I wasn’t there at the O.J. Simpson thing, so I am not going to make comments about that. I think he was innocent too. Joe “Shithead” Kiethley has released his biography, I, Shithead, about his life in D.O.A. and it’s doing quite well. Have you ever considered writing your life story and, if so, what would it be called? Listen, I am not going to write a story about my life. Why don’t you guys just buy the records and be happy with that? Leave me alone...leave us alone. And If I did write a story about my life I would call it Soul Motherfuck Stardust in Your Style. One of my favourite Forgotten Rebels songs is the wartime classic “I left my heart in Iran” so I was surprised you didn’t have a song about he war on Iraq on your new album. Is this because every punk band on earth has used this topic?

What kind of a question is that? Uhhh, what’s the matter with you? So I didn’t have a fucking song on it! Big deal! That’s all! Ha ha. I’m just getting started now. So c’mon, sweetheart, tell us what do you got to offer that Britney, Christina and all the other pop stars don’t got? Well I give it to my wife every other night. Britney and Christina don’t have penises and that’s about it. I’d much rather look at them. Look, at least they’re good pop songs, half of these other bands just plain stink. You know [what] these other bands should do? They should go hang out with, who’s that trailer trash guy? Bob Seger! As for Janet Jackson showing her tits... she should [have] shown the other one too. I wish it was Shakira instead, but that’s okay. Or Jenifer Lopez should have shown butt cleavage...YES! TV NEEDS TITS!!! Ok here’s the clincher, Mickey. Here in Vancouver we got this young teenage heartthrob named Chris Houston who used to date you back when he was known as Pogo Au Gogo. I highly admire this young scallywag as a singer-songwriter and it’s obvious he still holds fond memories of his unForgotten Rebel days as he plays “Surfin’ on Heroin” constantly. Do you have any parting advice for such teen dreamers as me, Chris and the rest here in Nerveland? Just don’t sign with major labels ‘cause they’re all a load of shit. Everybody [thinks] this guy [with] $100,000 with get you somewhere. If you get $100,000, take it and disappear to South America because those guys will only let you touch the money and you won’t be able to use any of it, so you might as well play in a local band in South America or something where the weather is warm. I have something to say about Al Mocambo who passed away the other day and he was a valued member of the band during [the] In Love With the System era and was one of the co-writers of “Surfin’ on Heroin” among other things. It’s sad to lose a friend after all these years. [He’ll] never be forgotten ‘cause his music lives on with us guys, and I had a chance to exchange e-mails with him the other day just before all this happened, so I am glad to have talked to him. Well, I’m just glad that you and The Rebels are still around and thank you so much for sharing your charming personality and thoughts here in the warmth of cyberspace with all of us. Any last words till we see you again? The Forgotten Rebels are never going to be over. See, the thing is, it is or laziness that gets the worst of us and then our laziness kicks in and out. It’s hard enough to get me off my ass just to stop watching Britney Spears videos to play guitar. It’s hard to put this guitar on when I can have Hugo, our guitar tech, to do it so I can hold my drinks. AS LONG AS WOMEN HAVE A REASON TO MASTURBATE THE FORGOTTEN REBELS WILL ALWAYS BE AROUND!!!


Adrian Mack Cheap Shotz Is An Idiot

Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:45 PM Page 7

D

By Adrian Mack

id you check out the video for Joe Strummer’s “Redemption Song”? This could be so wrong in so many ways…first of all, the song itself is a sharkpool. What Strummer has achieved here is nothing short of a daring rescue. “Redemption Song” started life as a heartbreaking Bob Marley spiritual that, sadly, leaked into the brainpan of every poe-faced white hippy on earth – each one pleading redemption from what? From the dehumanizing monthly trip to the Welfare Office? You’ve all seen it: the Hacky Sad Sack with whitey dreads and a pair of ethnic trousers serenading a bunch of vaginally-unkempt students at a party on Commercial Drive who are consequently inspired to spin around in circles in some weird form of libido-discharge. Then they all join

suffer when we don’t’ make our street date; just think of the old perverts, living in S.O.R hotels waiting for their monthly fix of Smut Ranch.

in his playing. Topper, on the other hand, was a fucking freak, – a kickboxing, gun-toting jerk with a lot of bad habits. Ipso Ludwig – he’s the better drummer coz his soul was on fire. The other thing one should remember about the drummer is that he (or she) can kick your ass faster than the intro to “Ace of Spades” because the drummer lives in a world of physical grace that other humans cannot comprehend. Especially guitar players. Guitar players can fuck up all over the place and everybody (including the guitar player) thinks it’s an indication of genius. The drummer, whose first priority is humility, takes that secret to bed with him every night – except the drummer usually sleeps on the floor. This is after he’s hauled everybody’s gear in and out of the club because guitar players are built from balsa

I have some Bongos from Morocco made from human skin that I like to take along to parties. Once I’ve honed in on the one guy that weeps over the miracle of menstruation as a way of demonstrating his solidarity with half-educated radical feminists (just before he nails them), I pass them along to him and then watch the vomit fly...

hands and cry in anguish over some woman’s hellish life in an Afghani Tent Community before one of them – usually the youngest one – disappears into a room with the guy and they have smeary, sensitive hippy sex which stinks like garbanzo-poop and tiger balm. Satiated, the hippy promptly forgets about the Tent Community and looks for some Kettle Chips. I hate that guy – I especially hate his Djembes which he will also pull out of his MEC kit bag at some point as if that’s gonna get the party started. I have some Bongos from Morocco made from human skin that I like to take along to parties. Once I’ve honed in on the one guy that weeps over the miracle of menstruation as a way of demonstrating his solidarity with half-educated radical feminists (just before he nails them), I pass them along to him and then watch the vomit fly as I reveal that somebody was flayed in an alley for a lousy 10 Dirham so that he could sit there and ruin “Peace Train”. Why must hippies play drums? The drum is a deeply misunderstood instrument and drummers (real drummers – not that hairy drop-out fuckwit and his bony, starving Alsatian) are even more misunderstood. One thing that Strummer said in that great Clash documentary, Westway to the World, is that your band is only as good as your drummer. Strummer was always right, though I don’t expect to see Topper Headon canonized in quite the same way once he passes. If you listen to From Here to Eternity, the official Clash live album that was released a few years back, you can hear where Terry Chimes takes over from the smack-addled Topper because the songs don’t swing as much. Chimes is an uptight, middle-class drip and it comes across

Music

wood and fucking poems about marzipan or something and their weedy little arms snap whenever they try and lift a Marshall amp. Aside from that, the guitar player is generally involved in having his nuts stroked by everybody, which leaves it up to the drummer to emerge from his pokey and underlit corner of the stage only to be met with indifference from the crowd who don’t even realize that he’s in the band. Then there are the jokes. The “Drummer Jokes”. These can all be traced back to the Beatles and that moment in time when somebody decided that Ringo got lucky when he signed up to be in the most important band on earth. John, Paul and George were all included recently in a list of the 100 most important Britons that ever lived and Ringo was left out. As I write this, a rising sense of rage and mortal insult is spreading into my big drummer arms and I will have to leave my apartment shortly to break some poor bastard’s neck, which is the only way I can calm myself down. I want you to bear that in mind every time you tell a “Drummer Joke” or underestimate Ringo’s contribution to the Beatles and the western tradition in general – every time you do that, somebody’s neck is getting broken. I think Strummer would agree with this. He was an old-school walking contradiction, to quote Kris Kristofferson, and his project was a kind of all-encompassing humanism that acknowledged, every once in a while, that somebody oughta get their head kicked in once the bullshit detector goes into the red. In reclaiming Bob Marley, the High-Flying Daredevil Poet has brought redemption to that song, at last.

Three Inches of Blood—Don’t expect the mavens of metal to take your calls anymore coz they just signed a sweet deal to Roadrunner Records. Their new lablemates include Nickelback and Cradle of Filth. It’s funny how fame changes everything. All those “supposed” friends you haven’t talked to in years suddenly calling you up and asking for favours. But we here at the Nerve are professionals. Being able to brag that lead singer Jami Hooper was willing to pose as Fred Durst on our Rolling Stone mock-up cover is gratitude enough for us. We’d just like to say congratulations and umm….is there anyway you guys could pull a few strings and get The Darkeness to play at the next Nerve issue release party….after all we did for you?

Nerve Distribution We had many frantic calls to our complaints department last month. All from avid Nerve readers wondering why their favourite birdcage liner wasn’t on the Vancouver stands the first week of the month. That’s because our distribution manager was taken down by the man for a shitload of unpaid parking tickets. Cuffed and strip searched, he was forced to park his truck and head downtown for some routine buggery. Meanwhile, a few thousand copies of our cold, scared magazines were left in the back of the beat-up pickup. Like it’s not bad enough that they’re brought into this world handicapped with lame grammer, missing fax and week spelling? Must they be plagued with abandonment issues as well? And it’s not just the mags that

Backlog of Vancouver Records And in missing records file: We started noticing all the promised new releases from our favourite local bands aren’t on the shelves yet, like the Excessives, John Ford and the Gung-Hos. We know thy’ve been recording so where are the goods? Well, we traced it back to Jay Solyom, a rock ‘n’ roll drifter with no roots in the community whose been spotted hanging around jam spaces offering young musicians candy if they come back to his studio. However, our surveliance team revealed that it wasn’t as sinister at is it sounds. It turns out Solyom’s mixing board is missing a piece so there’s a backlog of great Vancouver music waiting to be mixed and masterd. Nevertheless, Solyom is still a person of interest to our Nerve Security Department.

Mad Caddies Skankin’ punk lead Singer Chuck Robertson is on the patch. This could explain why his band decided to record their up coming live album in Great, North Strong and Relatively Smoke Free Opera House March 17th. But it doesn’t explain why he chose Toronto over Vancouver. Oh well, better he hack up all his honkin’ brown loogies on the streets of Hogtown than here.

Stumble Records Showcase Possibly on their ninth life, the Deadcats are an inspiration to young psychobilly fans everywhere. They still get all the stacked chicks in vintage leapard and pin-up tatties. You can see for yourself at Railway Club March 27, where they’ll be one of several bands that will no doubt set their standup bass on fire as part of the Stumble Records showcase

7


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:45 PM Page 8

Music

AGRICULTURE CLUB Farmageddon Dirty, Distorted Rural Rock

Available from: Sudden Death Records suddendeath.com

Farmageddon on Catch and Release Recording Collective C&R Catalogue distro by Sonic Unyon

Live!

w/ Unca’s Old Boys Edmonton - Likwid Lounge, Mar. 5 Calgary - The Underground, Mar. 6

8

agricultureclub.ca catch-and-release.org


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:45 PM Page 9

WAS JAY MILLETTE WASTED WHEN HE DID THIS?

1. The Axiology of Jay. Jay plays guitar and drinks beer. It’s that simple. He excels at both.

beer chamber

2. The Physiology of Jay. Jay LOVES a beer. TONS of beers in fact. Take a look at this MRI that I stole from his doctor’s office. Notice anything unusual?

3. The “Was Jay Millette Wasted When He Did This?” of Jay. Now that we’ve established the connection between rock and roll supremacy and beer let’s assess the interface between the two at various stages in his career.

Wow! Look at that. Jay

has beer chambers! Do you know who else has

beer chamber

beer chambers? Nobody! That’s why Jay rocks and

you don’t.

beer chamber

Age 18 - Jay forms high school cover band called “Confused Youth”. Was Jay wasted when he did this? Yes. In fact, they played exclusively in Quebec so that the little booze-bag could kill his beer jones. The King of Rock

cock

Shazam!!

Vagina

Vancouver

Hawaii

Cobalt, Ontario

London, Ontario

1989 Jay leaves his hometown of Cobalt, Ontario and heads south for London. This devastates his family, all 18 of whom rely solely upon Jay’s income. IMPACT? Infinite. Nothing else would have happened if Jay hadn’t made this journey. In rock and roll terms it’s as important as his passage through the birth canal. WAS JAY WASTED WHEN HE DID THIS? Of course he was. Nobody destroys their family when they’re sober.

London Ont. - Jay joins a band called “Hog Bitch.” They play with, among others, the Doughboys, Change of Heart and Alice Donut. Jay’s impact? Immeasurable. Through his modest and friendly demeanour, Jay made those alt-rock 90’s asswipes feel important about themselves for 5 pathetic minutes and now that we all know just how cool they weren’t, we can rejoice in Jay’s still-rising wicked-ness factor. Quote: “It was super-drunk punk rock. If we did originals, they were just ridiculous.” Yay!! London, Ont. - As a fine art student in London, Jay shocks the art world when he shows up to a grad show, wasted and covered in blood, playing “Don’t Fear the Reaper” through a 300 Watt Traynor with his cock hanging out. What they don’t understand at the time is that Jay’s wasted mind thinks he’s at band practice. The next day, he DOES show up at band practice but with a vial of his own semen embedded in raw hamburger meat, which he insists is his “second-year project.”WAS JAY WASTED WHEN HE DID THIS? Fuck - do I have to spell it out for you?

Fuck Sloan

London, Ont. - Jay and his friends start a new band called Timmy Lupus. One day, they play with Sloan. Sloan don’t get it. What don’t they get? They don’t get the name. Timmy Lupus is a character from “The Bad News Bears”. Naming your band after a character in THAT movie is cooler than fuck. The best line in the film is this: ‘All we got on this team is a bunch of jews, spicks, niggers, pansies, and a booger eating moron.’ And that’s from a doe-eyed eight-year old! Oh - and Sloan? What a bunch of poseurs. Those phony fuckin’ gaylords don’t know dick about shit if they haven’t seen “Bad News Bears”. I don’t know if Jay was wasted but standing next to those wimp-sucks in Sloan would make anybody look drunk. They have about as much edge as a fondue party. Queers. London, Ont. - Jay joins Killswitch. They record a version of Slow’s “Against the Glass” and another number called “Drunk on Cock”.WAS JAY WASTED WHEN HE DID THIS? Yes, on cock apparently.

92/93 - Because Canada traditionally pays no tribute to homegrown genius (remember our government’s attempts to assassinate Marshall Mcluhan?) Jay is forced onto Welfare. He also forms KAK (with Chad from Nasty On and Dog Eat Dogma). IMPACT? You’ve seen Nasty On. Isn’t it obvious they’ve been touched by Jay? He also bides his time with Sifter and Sanseiru but wonders if anybody has formed the Black Halos yet. He moves to Vancouver to find out.

94 - The yawning talent-gap between East and West is sealed for all time when Jay lands in Vancouver. Settling in at the Biltmore, he waits for the ACTION to come to HIM

95 - Black Market Babies/Black Halos. Hmmm...IMPACT? Like the Big Bang, only Bigger and Bangier! WAS JAY WASTED WHEN HE DID THIS? Every goddammed second! By the way, here’s what those OTHER Black Market Babies look like these days: D-Day, 2002 - Rich Jones is hired to tour with Lenny Kravitz and the Halos fall apart. Jay takes to the bottle.

The Day After D-Day, 2002 - After a long and dark stretch in the wilderness (12 hours) Jay re-emerges as a member of the revamped Spitfires. He persuades the band to play Live Rock Music instead of driving to Wisconsin and getting on a rollercoaster and the band subsequently blow everybody else to smithereens. Then Jay Solyom goes completely mental in Toronto. QUOTE: “That was where all the Trouble-Shit happened...” Solyom tries to murder everybody at the Horseshoe with some fire retardant. Then there’s further trouble-shit at Lee’s Palace. Ralph James, President of the Agency Group, tells them they’re finished, due to their reputation for causing trouble-shit. Ralph James used to play in Harlequin..

Black Market Babies? Big Girl Blouses?

2003 - The Halos regroup and discover that the other Black Market Babies have changed their name to the New Black Halos

Vancouver Band Toronto’s Our Lady Peace

2003 - Weirdo Dada-ist Art Pranksters Sprëadeagle attempt to humiliate Jay by tying his shoe-laces together. It doesn’t work. Trying to hurt Jay is like trying to sucker punch a ghost. Your fist just goes right through.

CONCLUSION? 1. When Jay enters the room, History dutifully takes note. 2. Jay has progressed from wasted to Meta-Wasted. We cannot comprehend

his transformation. We understand it like a Tree understands Foucault. 3. Our Lady Peace come from Toronto. Other Toronto based Rockers include Irony-Sides, Poop Crayon, Jelly is Fun, Rod Jane & Freddy, The Safety Toys, Ron Sexsmith, Oopsie! and Dangler. All of these bands, plus Broken Social Scene, can be read about at length in Exclaim magazine, month after month.

Hog Bitch photo by Henri Cartier-Bresson

9


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:45 PM Page 10


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:45 PM Page 11

Judge Smails: As Bushwood’s most highly respected member I find it refreshing that a young man would demonstrate as much moxie and can-do spirit as Pulley’s Scott Radinsky. Aside from his musical accomplishments he’s a former pro baseball player and he currently owns the “Skate Lab” in Simi Valley, California. I believe that they’re involved in some sort of Marine Research. Spackler: I have to correct you on that one, sir. I think the Skate Lab is, you know, a fun park for skateboarding individuals.

Pulley Frontman Talks Drugs, Rock & Kevin Costner By Judge Smails and Spackler

Judge Smails: I have Mr. Radski on the phone. Good day, sir. Radinsky: Hi Smails: You own the Skate Lab? Radinsky: Yeah. Smails: Outstanding! And you used to play ball? Radinsky: White Sox…Dodgers. Seventeen years. Smails: I don’t know much about baseball. Radinsky: Me neither. Smails: Other than the Costner movies. When did you retire? Radinksi: A year and a half ago. Spackler: Are you familiar with Bill Lee a.k.a. “The Spaceman”? Father of Jason Spaceman? From Spacemen 3? That’s just a theory. Radinsky: I’ve heard the name. I don’t know him personally. Spackler: Who? Bill Lee or Jason Spaceman? Radinsky: What? Spackler: Bill Lee pitched a no-hitter once on LSD, with the Expos… Radinsky: That’s what he was claiming. Spackler: He liked to sprinkle a little sinsemilla on his cornflakes in the morning. You know…to give him a little boost. Radinsky: No. No one that goofy. Spackler: He planned to paint the White House pink and turn it into a Mexican restaurant. Played for the Expos. He recommended mandatory drug-testing for everyone. Said he liked to test different drugs all the time. Radinsky: He got off on that wacky attention. It was kinda the opposite (for me). I just kept being myself. Most guys don’t want that kind of attention. Spackler: True. I notice that players such as Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa prefer to avoid publicity.

Radinsky: You sound like the kind of person who can imagine what it was like. You’re the kind of a person that didn’t really fit in but you were there, you know? Spackler: How many other pro baseball players are into punk and skating? Radinsky: Maybe one out of seven or eight hundred that you meet might be into something like that… Spackler: How do the groupies compare, if you don’t mind my asking? Radinsky: Baseball’s another spectrum, you know? The people you associate with are different. Spackler: Ever meet Harry Caray? Radinsky: (Laughs) No. Spackler: What about Morgana the Kissing Bandit? Hello? Hello? ….Scott? Judge Smails, Your Eminence, sir, I think the phone went dead. Smails: Well, fix it! Spackler: Yeah, I should do that. Radinsky: Hello? Spackler: Who were your favourite bands when you were a kid? Radinsky: Descendents, Minor Threat, shit like that. Growing up in Southern California I was able to go to a ton of shows. It was a time when that whole scene was starting to go off, right around ‘81-82. Spackler: How about The Faction–remember them? Los Olvidados? Drunk Injuns? What about Drunk Injuns? I hear they were all killed in a plane crash over Wyoming. Remember? Scott? He’s gone again. Radinsky: I’m drivin’ through the mountains. Sorry. Spackler: Are those the same mountains that once provided a home for Charles Manson? I’m not all that up on the guy but I seem to remember he had some pretty good ideas, you know. Getting back to nature and building dune buggies with those chicks and so forth. Good golfer. Smails: Wasn’t he one of the Monkees? Spackler: I think that was Stephen Stills, sir. I sure like the clear mountain air and dune buggies are cool. I drive a modified Taylor Dunn, you know–I mounted an M230 Automatic on the hood, on a turret. 30 mil. It upsets some of the older folks so I tend to drive at night or just around the poolhouse. I think the phone cut out again.

Smails: You’re a moron, Spackler. Spackler: Yeah, he needs a new phone. Smails: Scott? Are you there? What can we expect from a Pulley show? Radinsky: We got some new songs from the new record that we’re playing live. We’ve [been] playing for a while together so we’re totally comfortable on stage. It’s a good time and hopefully the songs will sound like what you hear on the CD. Smails: I bet that you’re a competitive man! I bet you like to stick it to the other band! I’m trying to work in a Sports metaphor here. Radinsky: That’s more about winning. This is more like a big party every night. It’s about entertaining the people, man. It’s not like us against them. Smails: What are the younger kids into? Radinsky: I call it Scr-emo Spackler: That sounds a little heavy. Radski: It’s alright, you know. It’s like any style of music, it’s pretty saturated to me right now but I think some of the breakdown stuff is cool. I think there’s some pretty good emotion in some of the music but I think a lot of the kids who’re thirteen years, fifteen years old, that’s ALL they listen to. Spackler: What kind of board are you riding there, cowboy? Radinsky: Right now I’ve got this Alva. Spackler: We got an indoor park now–The Red Dragon, named after Tony Parsons. Ever been to Hastings? Radinsky: I don’t think I have. I like that one in Calgary they got. Spackler: How about Orcas Island in Washington State. It’s out in the wilderness so you can camp in it or you can set up base but you gotta stay mobile, you know. Attacks will usually come from the South but they have a nice hedgerow that’ll supply most of the camouflage you need. I always bring some of my own. Like John Bjornstrom, the Shuswap Bush Man. They’re building parks like crazy right now. Radinsky: Yeah – it’s always been huge up there. That’s the word we always had down here. Skating for me now is like…when I can, you know? I don’t really have the time to turn it into my mission. Spackler: Favourite skaters? Radinsky: I was into Steadham, Lance

Photo: Kevin Estrada

Incoming

Mountain, Hosoi. Spackler: Hosoi! Master of the Christ Air. Duane Peters? Radinsky: I like him. Spackler: Does he come to the park? Radinsky: Yeah, he comes by, man. He’s classic. He’ll grab a Thrasher Magazine, go out in the parking lot and light a cigarette with it. Spackler: Do the kids know who he is? Radinsky: Most of the kids nowadays, they have no clue. Spackler: What else did you listen to, growing up? Anything aside from Punk? Radinsky: I got into (punk) pretty young. I was into Kiss, Sabbath, but I wasn’t really, like, old enough to be a Hesher, you know? It seems different to me now. You’re not an outcast anymore, you’re just part of society! Spackler: Do you miss the…danger? Radinsky: People can have fun now coz it’s not so violent. Spackler: Violence came from other places–nazi skins or the police or fire department. The Bilderbergers had some black-ops guys that would shake up the old soda bottle, you know. Or Heavy Metal guys. I think they were probably running with the IMF. They might have been working on the water supply, too. Smails: What about Ty Cobb? He played baseball. Good man. Radinsky: I read a book about him once. Smails: And Field of Dreams? Radinsky: What about it? Smails: Costner. Radinsky: I couldn’t care less about Costner.

Pulley is touring through Western Canada on the Frostbite tour with Mad Caddies, Choke, Irish Car Bomb and Closet Monster. March 4 - Vancouver,BC @ Croatian Cultural Centre March 5 - Victoria,BC @ Legends March 7 - Whistler,BC @ Garfinkels March 8 - Banff,AB @ Wildbills March 9 - Calgary,AB @ Macewan Balllroom March 10 - Edmonton,AB @ Red’s March 11 - Regina,SK @ Riddell Centre March 12 - Winnipeg,MB @ West End Cultural Centre

11


The 20 Sweatiest Rock-Driven Undergrou

Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:46 PM Page 12

1

By Sarah Rowland, Pics by Joanna Ferraro

1. Lady Commodore—Whoever thought the Liz Taylor of music venues would make it to 75? But come this December, she will celebrate almost a century of excessive booze and too many one-night stands to count. At the peak of her career, her beauty and charisma was credited for making Western Canada a primary market for touring acts, for bands like the Specials, the Clash and the Beastie Boys. However, a well-publicized break-up with her manager of 30 years and a near-death experience in the late ‘90s rendered her out of commish for nearly three years and left a hole in Vancouver’s music scene. Now with the help of a fairly obvious facelift and new management, she’s looking to make a comeback. With so much rock ‘n’ roll history to share, we here at the Nerve are dying to know what her walls would say if they could speak. We think the first thing her newly renovated bathroom partitions would utter is something like, “Thank God someone finally hosed off all that jizz leftover from all the Gay Balls.” Or maybe she’s just looking for some beauty tips: “Is it just me or did Billy Idol have a permanent look of surprise on his face the last time he played here? I wonder who his surgeon is.” These are just theories, of course. We can’t be sure, but it’s a pretty safe bet her backstage washrooms would want to know: “What the fuck crawled up Lemmy’s ass and died?

“The first time I played at the Commodore, I was really drunk! I’d like to say it was an experience that I will always remember, but due to my undying love for Jack ‘n’ Cokes and the giving spirit of the staff and promoters at said venue, every time has been like the first time and I just keep making and forgetting those magic moments”

2. Drew Burns/Showman- Old Blue Eyes was faithful to Lady Commodore for 30 years. Together, they made 868 Granville Street an internationally renowned venue for rock ‘n’ roll’s royalty and has-beens. With her looks and his vision, the Ballroom was a perfect training ground for bands to learn their chops before selling out coliseums: U2, Ramones, the Police etc. For some, the Commodore was a pit stop on the way up and on the way down i.e. the Rebel Yeller. Burns’ personal touches also made the room a dignified halfway house for groups adjusting to life at Studebakers. More importantly, he was always very supportive of the area music scene. During his tenure he started Alternative Nights, a showcase that allowed several Vancouver indie-acts to grace its world famous stage, including local scribe Shawn Conner’s band Foam. So, on behalf of West Coast music fans, Foam and other bands that never went anywhere but still get to brag that they played at the legendary Commodore, Thank you Mr. Burns.

“If there ever was one single venue in Canada where rock really lived, it was the Commodore. It featured lots of other great music as well, but I didn’t really give a fuck about that when the Commodore was in its glory years 1978-1995. One of the big reasons why it had a great fucking atmosphere was Drew Burns (with help from Robbie). He knew how to make enough money without gouging people. Drew gave many a band their first real big show with a wicked PA, a wicked dance floor and a wicked crowd. Drew ran the joint for the love of music first and foremost. The first time I played there with The Skulls, we got chucked off the stage, a short while later, D.O.A. opened for the Ramones. A couple of years later, I got chucked down the stairs by the bouncers, a few days before the D.O.A./Dead Kennedys show, so I went and smashed the entrance sign with a huge boulder. Yeah, I loved every minute of hanging around that place in those days. Shit, Drew even paid for our hockey team’s jerseys (The D.O.A. Murder Squad) here’s to Drew Burns, you’ll never find a finer promoter!” - Joey Shithead Keithley

3. Wendy/ Cobalt C.E.O.- Just as every thriving music scene needs a Ballroom, every city needs a crusty punk rock bar and that’s why wendythirteen is The Nerve’s cover girl. The queen of creative theme nights has been booking the puke-stained East Van dive for almost four years and, although we didn’t ask for a full financial disclosure, we’re pretty sure she’s not getting rich off this scheme. When building inspectors shut ‘er down for six months, Wendy and her partner Jason LeBlanc paid for the labour costs to renovate out of their own pockets. While the Cobalt underwent reconstructive surgery, she moved all her shows to the Astoria. Thanks to Wendy’s dedication, aspiring dish pigs have a thrash metal outlet on stage, socially challenged bike couriers can vent their frustrations in hardcore circle pits and seasoned skateboarding gangstahs have a showroom for their vests.

“My memories from the Cobalt are always extremely foggy. But a moment that sticks out in my mind is after Death Sentence or Dry Fisted, during the Jaks reunion, when 30 Jaks stormed the stage for a photo-op, but there was no camera, so it ended up being a big wastebag battle royale.” - Jono Jak (Gung-Hos, the Excessives)

4. Joe Shithead/ D.O.A Frontman/ Author/ Label Exec/ Punk Rock Activist- If you ask anyone anyplace in North America to name one punk band from Vancouver, for better or for worse, you know what they’re gonna spell out and it ain’t B.T.O.

“I will always be grateful to Shithead for letting the world know that you’re not dead until you’re buried and that you can’t polish a turd.”- Mr. Chi Pig (SNFU and Slaveco)

5. Meegan Maultsaid/ Rockivist- When’s she’s not raging against sanctions in Iraq at Under the Volcano, the social event of the year for the socially conscious, or raising awareness about the need for better health care access for First Nation’s women at Vancouver’s annual Rock for Choice benefit, which she co-founded, Meegan actually finds time to front her hardcore band, Che Chapter 127. Yep, she’s a real inspiration. Oh, who’s kidding who? She makes the rest of us look like a bunch of lazy self-serving sods.

“Where a lot of us have enough energy and focus to get up and play a little music on the weekends, Meegan instills purpose into the scene beyond being a soundtrack for people to get drunk to and/or weep about failed relationships. I’m happy to be dragged into that purpose.” - Joel Tong (Black Rice)

6. Bryce Dunn/ CiTR Program Coordinator- As the defender of all that is good in rawk, Dunn works tirelessly as a club DJ, on-air personality, musician and rock columnist, injecting soul, punk and garage into everything he does. As a result, BC’s most listened to college radio station is not colonized by sensitive indie-rock wankers who are waiting to get on the cover of Exclaim!

“Dunn is one of the only guys in Vancouver who can give you an update on any garage/punk/rock’n’roll band you can possibly think of ... and on a weekly basis! He is Vancouver’s Renaissance Man of All That Is Rocking, and is a quintessential devotee…. and yet he still finds time to hit a ton of shows every month. We would be lost without him.” - Mike Roche (Fluffer of The Gung-Hos)

7. Grant McDonagh/ Zulu Records – After 22 years in business, the West Fourth Avenue landmark is a bloodline for anemic Vancouver vinyl geeks, which is something owner Grant McDonagh must keep in mind during the hiring process. First-time shoppers should be warned that if you’re a poser, the staff will smell it on ya. A Zulu employee may go so far as to pull you aside and offer you a Stones bootleg just to test you. But if you want to pass the audition, don’t panic— simply act insulted and insist they direct you to the Japanese noise section. “Zulu’s gotta great selection of reggae and blues discs... imports, too.  And who can resist that friendly service?” -Rich Hope (John Ford)


ground Pioneers and Pushers You Should Bow Down To Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:46 PM Page 13

Cover

6

5

Exposed, Stripped Down and Praised by Their Peers

8. J.J. Caithcart/ Scrape Records— Is his metal heavy? What a question. J.J. has been running Vancouver’s only safe banging site since 1997. In that time, he has put out a compilation of all local metal mucic on his store’s label. He is deeply committed to up holding the high standards set by Sabbath. For instance, he refused to fling his beautiful mane in a full throttle tilt-a-whirl hairmill for our camera because he felt it would make a mockery of metal and its many dignified sub-genres. Finally! Someone who understands that when I walk into a record store and ask for a vinyl slab of Anal Cunt, I expect to be taken seriously.

“If it wasn’t for Jay and Scrape Records, I never would have found my current position as bassist for local black metal group Maggots Eat Your Brain. Hats off, Jay! Opening for the Darkness is just around the corner!”— Shawn Conner (Freelance writer (for now) and world-dominating rock star (soon)

3

4

7

2 8 Continued on next page...

13


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:46 PM Page 14

Cover

...Continued

9. Janet Forsyth/ Railway Club Entertainment Coordinator- She’s been doing a bang-up job booking tons of local talent for over 20 years. The multi-chambered venue is still the best place for last call because even if you don’t like the main attraction, you can make a b-line for the back room for a private party. First, you have to maneuver your way through the gauntlet of aging scenesters, which is like trying to avoid landmines in Mozambique. Some nights you can’t swing a Deadcat without hitting an I, Braineater.

“If it weren’t for the Railway, I’d have to get my musical kicks in a cruise-ship combo playing Barry Manilow covers to a bunch of obnoxious, drunk, blue-haired seniors. Me and my bands are forever indebted to the Railway Club & their staff—God bless ‘em all!” -Mick Nitro (Guitarist, vocals:  Deadcats, Los Nitros)

corporate rock and bar bands since the 80s, the mysterious basement floor offices of Timbre has been the hub of Vancouver’s coolest shows, including the upcoming and highly anticipated Pixies reunion tour. In all those years, not a single quote from an active Timbre employee has been printed in the press…. and this piece is no exception.

12. Steve Chase/ Fireball Productions- Say what you want about this hotheaded fire crotch, but you can’t deny that the Brickyard promoter (and former Piccadilly talent buyer) has worked his ass off to bring some fan-fucking-tastic rock ‘n’ roll to this town: Detroit’s White Stripes, Andre Williams and all the way from Surrey, the Hellcaminos.

13. Mike Thug/ Longshot Music Exec- The return rate on every dollar Thug spends on his tenyear-old street punk label is further proof that he signs bands like the Wednesday Night Heroes, the Excessives and Knucklehead for the love of his day job, which he is now financially bound to for the rest of his Oi!-loving life.

“When I think of Brainless, the first thing that comes to mind is his commitment to the Victoria punk scene. He has done much over the years to ensure the scene is documented by making good recordings for bands for next to nothing. Viva La Rat’s Nest!” -Ty Forslund (The Hoosegow)

11. Timbre Productions- Toeing the line between

“Mike Thug is to street punk what Jesus Jones is to Christianity—a great guy who will do anything for his bands while keeping fashionable in his designer hypercolour t-shirts, Chip’n Pepper sweatshirts and Anthraz Jammers. All around a swell guy, too bad he now lives in the States.” - Graeme MacKinnon (Wednesday Night Heroes)

14. Keith Parry/ Scratch Records Exec- He’s been running his retail business, label company and independent distribution office all under one roof since the ‘80s, cramming everything in alongside ceiling-high stacks of vinyl and CDs. Think Zulu without the feng shui decor.

“It doesn’t matter who you are or who you just signed to your roster, if you’re a new independent label with no one offering quality distribution, you’ve but a snowball’s chance in hell of selling your records. As far as I’m concerned, what Keith and Scratch have done for Nerve Records and other small labels is the backbone of independent

interacts with one another. But that’s all I can say on the matter. There’s also been talk around the Nerve beer cooler that Read writes for a trashy rock rag under a pseudonym.

“People join because he has what it takes to form a successful superstar rock group, and when that private jet crashes into the ocean in legendary rockstar fashion, he will save them. - Frank Yahr (Rumbletone Productions)

“The most important thing I learned about promoting was to believe in the act. Get the tickets on sale, get the word out by whatever means—doesn’t matter if it is a venue people aren’t familiar with, if it is an act they want to see they will buy the tix. On a less serious note, I also learned that you never use the term “sold out”. If someone wants to buy a ticket, you should find a ticket for them.” -Keith Buckingham (talent buyer for Monqui Presents in Portland, worked for Timbre 90-93)

“He’s tireless and he has great taste. He’s also a nut—brilliant people are always slightly impossible. Nobody ever told the legendary Bill Graham to act normal, did they? Well yes, but it was James Taylor and he’s a twat. So which side are you on? Steve Chase’s Magnificent Obsession and Grand Folly have kept us all in work and at play for years. He makes the city go round. – Adrian Mack (Drummer/ professional idiot)

10. Garry Brainless/ Victoria-based Dirt-cheap Recording Engineer, Promoter of House Gigs, Mickey Christ Drummer (above)- When we polled Victoria musicians about who was the biggest contributor to the local punk scene, only one name came up. But he wasn’t available for an interview so we went with this guy coz he’s got cool hair.

music publishing, period.”- Badly Damaged (Nerve Records Exec/ Nerve orifice janitor)

18. Mike Usinger/ Georgia Straight Music Editor- The same local musicians who love to hate him religiously scan the music section every week hoping to see their name in print. That’s because if he likes a band, you read about it and so do record execs….in most cases anyway.

“Mike has gone on record in the Georgia Straight and elsewhere suggesting that the Nasty On are possibly one of the greatest rock bands to ever come outta Vancouver. It’s not his fault no one else really agreed.” -Jason Grimmer (Nasty On)

15. Wee Claire/ Calgary Underground Booker (above)- Cowtown’s foremost self-sacrificing purveyor of the punk. (refer to #3 in this here guide)

“Calgary, like most cities, has a mixture of promoters who genuinely want to help musicians and jaded types who bristle at the suggestion that they owe something to the scene and up-and-coming bands. Claire is in the first category—a university student, educator for special needs children and totally overlooked heroine who books tons of local acts. I wish we had ten of her.” Rick Overwater (Calgary Music Writer)

16. Chris Disregard/ Steel Capped Records Cofounder, Mastermind Behind the Winnipeg Punk Site and Winnipeg Nerve Paperboy etc…. This was a tough one. After all, we here at the Nerve don’t like the perception of nepotism but when Nerve publisher Badly Damaged’s motherin-law mentioned that she used to carpool with Disregard’s great aunt, we knew we had our man.

19. Nardwuar the Human Serviette/ Media Mogul- If you don’t know who he is and how much influence the bespectacled one has on Canuck culture, then you obviously didn’t read a single rock rag in the Western Hemisphere last month.

“He selflessly helped out bands like the ones I’m in, just for the sheer goodness of it. Time and time again, he’s always been very selfless. And, of course, he has the heart of a performer, something I very much respect. Gawd bless this tartan. Oh, and once I made him sing the All In the Family theme with me on radio becuzz he sounds like Edith Bunker.” Robert Dayton- (Entertainer with Canned Hamm and July Fourth Toilet, also Ladies’ man, man for all seasons,, writer, bullshitter, etc.)

“Winnipeg needs more people like Chris because suckers who work for nothing are hard to come by. Plus his store is a warm place to hang out and steal stuff.” -Chris Walter (ex-Winnipegonian, Geritol punk, and would-be author)

17. Chris Read/ John Ford Bassist / Rock ‘n’ Roll Innovator — He’s the ideas guy who surrounds himself with follow-through guys like promoter Frank Yahr, Badly Damaged and Adrian Mack. As many of you may remember, last summer BC rock festivals were folding faster than blue-eyed punks in a Sacramento prison — with one notable exception: Read’s brainchild a.k.a Hot August Nights, the all-day Waldorf parking lot rock explosion. Currently, he’s in the process of plotting several other top-secret missions including a Nerve Records compilation that’s going to revolutionize the way the Western rock community

20. Nik Kozub/ Edmonton Musician, Promoter, Studio Engineer, Radio and Club DJ (above) He has his fucking area code tattooed on his arm. Need we say more?

“I can honestly say that our band wouldn’t be where we are today if it weren’t for Nik, and we’re probably not the only band to say so. Despite him being in T.O. right now, all the hard work he’s invested into this city still contributes to the amazing music scene we have in this city.” -Konrad Andrelunas (Wednesday Night HeroesGuitarist)

Rock’s Honourable Mentions According to the World of Adrian Mack

John “Bluto” Blutarsky – The Nerve is often asked by much more august media outlets (The New Yorker, Vanity Fair, Entertainment Weekly etc) to describe the booming “Fraser Valley Sound”. Well – the best description that anybody has come up with, so far, is this picture of Delta House Pledgemaster John “Bluto” Blutarsky. The Fraser Valley Sound, we say, is a stocky guy shotgunning two dozen beers. Add to that Blutarsky’s naturally comedic physicality and his overall inappropriateness in any situation – how did he even

14

end up at Faber College? – and you have a fairly comprehensive impression of the fish-eyed and largely sociopathic nature of bands like Sprëadeagle or the Spitfires. That’s not a “sound” say the august media outlets. Well, we reply, that’s not a “drink” – and we swipe their Aqualibre off the bar and smash it into their stinkin’ New York faces.

Ty Scammell - Ty ran the record stall at the Flea Market for a million years. Ty’s taste in music was eccentric and controversial (lots of iffy psych) but his love for the business of trading vinyl was beyond reproach. Many of the people you are reading about here first bumped into each other in that tight and sooty little corner of the shit-class yellow stained hoser-world, and many of them went on to fight over an original mono pressing of “December’s Children* (*and Everybodys)” at some point. Many were also the recipient of Ty’s legendary largesse and generosity. If Ty knew you wanted something bad enough, he always came through and usually to his own detriment. Sadly, Ty has moved on but his humble influence, and his abiding love

for Flea Market Cheesburgers and Fries, will never be forgotten.

Selim Sora – Selim is “That Guy”. Every city has “That Guy”. If he’s not at your show, then it basically wasn’t a show. Selim’s presence guarantees a certain “cache” – which is French for “I saw That Guy at the show last night – I always see That Guy.” Or, to put it another way, “That Guy wasn’t there…the absence of That Guy indicates to me that the show sucked.” French is such a beautiful language, n’est pas? (Except when it’s Canadian. Then it sounds like people in clown-noses getting sucked into a turbine). Selim is also known as “Oh…you mean That Guy!” or “That Dude” or for those of us who’ve been on the merry-go-round for a few years too many, simply “…Him.” We urge all readers, upon spotting “…Him” to buy “…Him” a drink for years of dedicated taste-making and halting, slightly nervous conversation.


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:46 PM Page 15

Off The Record

T he L a st Vega s

L

ike a group of 10 year olds sneaking into the bushes after raiding Dad’s stash, The Last Vegas politely pass around the wealth. Each fielding question in turn. Sharing the fame. This leads to a utopian democratic system. But what happens when you ask an unequal amount of questions to them?

What group or artist does your band never want to be compared to? Tanner: The Last Vegas!

What recording humbles you every time you hear it and why? John: Well, that’s a bit tough.  I can appreciate really high studio quality stuff and I can really dig a dirty-ass recording as well so it’s kind of a toss-up.  I’ll say nothing’s shocking by Jane’s Addiction.  I just listened to it on headphones last week and I really get off on all the swirling crazy noises.  Gotta love psychedelic rock mixed with great structure and excellent songwriting.  There are many records that I am blown away by time after time.

On your dream bill, what group and/or artists would you be sandwiched between? Nathan: Pretty hard to pick a couple so it would be a two day festival called Viva Last Vegas.. Day 1: The Jimi Hendrix Experience, Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, The Who, The Last Vegas, John Lee Hooker, James Brown, Cheap Trick, Remhead, The High Grass Dogs, Bill

Day 2:Black Sabbath, The Stooges, The Rolling Stones, Muddy Waters, Ted Nugent, Guns N’ Roses - w/ Izzy, Steven Adler, The Last Vegas, The Dragstrip Syndicate, The Steepwater Band, The Ramones, The Creatures From The Black Lagoon

Worst gig to date? Adam: Anything we’ve played having remotely anything to do with rap-rock.

Favourite Red Hot Lovers song? (Who’s speaking?) Mystery spokesman or perhaps a group effort: Red Hot Lovers, eh? (Not really sure what this means)  I don’t know what that is, a band I’m assuming.  I have no clue.  I fear the unknown.

The Last Vegas Lick ‘em and Leave ‘em Get Hip Recordings

RAWK is HEAR to stay! There are so many great rock & roll bands rocking and rolling right now, and The Last Vegas is certainly one of them. How can you go wrong with walls of guitar, screamin’ leads and heavy bass breakdowns, and that’s just the first song. Lick ‘em and Leave ‘em is packed with songs about drinking and fucking. These raw, hard-hitting dirtbags are from downtown Chicago but could easily be from downtown Calgary or Auckland. If you’re into The Red Hot Lovers and D4, you’ll love these fuckers. As the saying goes, “It ain’t about cryin’ into your microphone...” It’s about dancin’ yer ass off, drinking yer face off and getting yer rocks off to The Last Vegas. -Jono Jak Action Now All Your Dreams…and more Avebury Records

Reissue of early 80’s California power-pop, featuring guitarist Paula Pierce before she went on to form The Pandoras. I like to put this on when I’m feeling saucy and dance around in front of the mirror, singing into a hairbrush. Delicious! -8-Ball

The Black Keys The Moan Alive Records

Two-man bands are all the rage, and The Black Keys are no exception. There’s two of them and they are indeed both men. Do you know what would really do it for me? A no-man band. Just imagine instruments floating in mid-air, magically playing themselves.

Fuck, that would kick ass.

Given the right combination of technology and good old-fashioned witchcraft or alchemy, I’m sure it could be done. If I was an alchemist, I’d probably turn my jean jacket into a solid gold jean jacket. -8-Ball

Cougars Nice, Nice Go Kart

In sharp contrast to my no-man band concept, Chicago’s Cougars boast eight men among their ranks. This makes for a kind of ‘Oxes From The Crypt’ type thing—loud guitars, horns and keybz, as well as a real Albini-esque drum sound. These guys also have the funniest song titles around. I’m sure these are inside jokes that only the band and their tightest bros truly “get”, but I’d be hard pressed to deny the comedy of a song called “Mustard Is Pissed”. –8-Ball God Forbid Gone Forever Century Media

Somewhere in deepest New Jersey, three vanloads of metalheads collided and the survivors were forced to get along in order to begin metal anew. Thrash metallers, death metallers, and classic metallers were forced to work together to survive. This hardy new breed is God Forbid. The drums, tempos and breakdowns are thrashy, the

More Reviews on next page...

15


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:46 PM Page 16

Off The Record

sexy. This CD is a must-have for any acoustical, freespirited, sexual deviant musician. All in all, this disc can be called a true masterpiece. Mr. Plow, I’m the fuzzy white polar bear on your list and I do like your tits. -Coffee Guy

Bill y Th e Kid An d Th e Lost Boys

S

ome bands take their names from their inspirations. Radiohead comes from a Talking Heads’ song. If this is true for all bands then Billy the Kid and The Lost Boys must be huge Kiefer Sutherland fans. Combining Kiefer’s animalistic appeal as a flying blood sucker from Lost Boys with the common sense of a gun-wielding Doc from Young Guns.

What act do you never want your band to be compared to? Anything to do with American (or Canadian) Idol. On your dream bill, what two bands would you be sandwiched between? Rancid and Ted Leo and the Pharmacists Worst gig ever? The gig that never happened in Prince George because they “had too many bands on the bill”. No matter how much we begged they wouldn’t let us drive up there with the

...Continued

vocals are death, and the wailing lead guitars and anthemic choruses are all classic. Most of the time the music is hard aggressive death/thrash divided by a handful of melodic parts that mercifully explode back into some ol’ Carcassy parts. Such ambitious hybridization can often result in ghastly abominations, and there are a few short questionable moments during this album, but all said, God Forbid has succeeded in making a fresh sounding record, and set themselves apart from the rest of the New Wave of American Metal(TM). -J. Pee Patchez

Photo:

The Horrorpops    Hell Yeah!   Hellcat Records

van and PA we rented especially for the show to play for free. What recording humbles you very time you hear and why? Both S.T.R.E.E.T.S. records. They make me want to practice. With your Velma Dinkley sex appeal that attracts so much attention in the press, how do you keep the rest of the band from feeling like the guys in that No Doubt video, “Don’t Speak”? I pay them very well, which isn’t very hard considering they think that pencil shavings are legal tender. Mr. Plow It’s Plow or Never Crusty Records

Mr. Plow tackles the forbidden thoughts haunt the minds of most men, except maybe the god-fearing freaks of the world. Actually, scratch that—especially the religious fanatics. He packs in 15 songs of pure East Van unplugged bliss. Songs like “Bukkake Night in Canada” deals with the statistic that 5% of women enjoy the occasional deluge of sperm showers. While other tracks such as “Golden Shower Girl” takes on the stat that 48% of females like to get urinated on and find it

I really wanted to love this album and was really hoping that this would be a great horror-themed rockabilly band as there are few that really do it well and don’t come off as goofy. I’m sure a lot of gothic and rockabilly kids will eat this candy up, it just might be a bit to sweet for my cavities. This CD reminds me of why I don’t consider No Doubt skatastic and why those old Misfits classics like “American Nightmare” still rule the ghoul school! -Billy Hopeless Billy and the Lost Boys Breaking Down the Barriers that Break Down Your Music Lost Records

I like hearing bands for the first time because I never know what’s going to pop into my head. First song into this CD...Gwen Stefani singing for Samiam, and that’s not a bad thing. Billy can sing, which is a good thing when the vocals as prominent as they are. Overall, it’s a decent record. I haven’t heard any of their previous efforts, but from what I’ve read about it, it must be a little “punkier” than this one. Breaking Down... would make a great soundtrack to a teen movie. I liked the heavier tracks like “Nothing To Prove”, but it gets a little adult for me near the end when the pianos kick in. Jason Biggs definitely gets the girl by the end of this album. –Jono Jak Probot self-titled Southern Lord

Dave Grohl is a pretty cool guy. When he’s not recruiting swordsmen from bands like Sunny Day Real Estate or No Use For A Name for the Foos, he’s endorsing breath mints in Japan and jammin’ with his good buddies Pearl Jam and Cat Power. More recently, D-Rizz has been poundin’ skins in Queens Of The Stone Age and twiddling knobs for the new Rye Coalition. With Probot, Dave Dawg has put together an honest to god, headbanging, heavy metal album. Not only that, he got his homies like Lemmy, King

Diamond and Jack Black to come over and lay down the vox. I can see them, polishin’ off a couple of sixers and just rockin’ the fuck out. Never one to rest on his laurels for long, I heard he’s already got a new project on the go with Axl, David Cross and The Neptunes. -8-Ball Red Tyger Church Free Energy Alive Records

Ex-members of The Warlocks and Brian Jonestown Massacre. The bio describes them as “an occult gospel garage punk commune.” While I do really dig the song “Cherry Cola”, I would have to describe them as Stonesobsessed hippies who are leaning dangerously close to 54-50 territory. -8-Ball Remembering Never Women and Children Die First Ferret Music

This is, as they say, the shiznit. Florida’s Remembering Never aren’t waiting for anyone to hand them the hardcore flag, they’re snatching it up and running with it. They have a clearly defined mandate and wear their causes on their sleeves, refusing to dumb down the message. Subjects such as guns, drug abuse, veganism, and political freedom are taken on with total disregard for being pegged as preachy. The music is hard and dynamic, sharing characteristics with such great bands as Earth Crisis and Sparkmarker. The twist is in the vocals, which are 90% Max Calavera-style metal-gruff with short bursts of angry, passionate wailing that is emotional without being wimpy. This album serves as a defiant flame showing the way through these darkest ages. Well done. -J. Pee Patchez The Downbelows Queen And Bathurst October 32

Pretty standard slicksounding rock ‘n’ roll stuff. At times, pretty catchy with MC5 and The New York Dolls coming to mind as possible influences. Listen to this act from Toronto and I’m sure you’ll agree. -Aaronoid

Enter to WIN an autographed cd and a t-shirt from Lucky-13 Apparel.

16

Email epitaph@thenervemagazine.com to enter


Live Wires

Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:46 PM Page 17

away on booze and late-night pizza Friday and Saturday, getting off your ass to attend a show can be laborious at times. However, rarely have I I’ve been let down on the Lord’s Day. The Shark Tank, nestled nicely between Edmonton’s seediest hooker row and largest police station, is a surprisingly cozy venue with a small room, and even smaller stage. The opening act, The Morellos, is an early high school version of The Clash. The crowd appeared to show their interest as well, and probably the deafness that came from all the feedback. The Homewrekers, played an intense set in order to get the crowd hyped for the headliners. The Whiz Kidz played a standard high energy set, unveiling the new hit “Guerilla Whiz Kidz”, along with other classics like “Too Rad For Mum and Dad” and “Zell Out”, which seemed to get the crowd hyped for the headliners. Vamped from their show in Calgary the night before, The Riff Randells’ lead singer, Kathy Camaro, certainly left an impression on all of us as she berated any of the drooling prepubescent boys that got a little too close. As far as the all-girl, pop-punk trio goes, any band that has the nerve to pick out the hecklers in the audience and dis them back tenfold wins in my books. Many a colourful character, such as bandana-clad mexi-punks and some fat kid in red tights and white tassels, felt the sting of Camaro’s wit. The new bass player, Felicity, rocked out full-throttle despite a precarious hole in the stage left by The Whiz Kidz. Nonetheless, the Randells played a wicked set, and I’m sure that anyone who went home that night was glad they dragged their asses out for this night. -Konrad Andrelunas

Nardwuar

New Town Animals/ Wednesday Night Heroes/ Emergency

Riff Randells/ The Whiz Kidz/ the Homewrekers/ the Morellos @the Shark Tank, Edmonton Sunday Feb 8, 2004

Sunday night all-ages shows have become a staple over the last few years. With the trend comes an inertia that can make packing a full house hard at times. After pissing all your money

@The Night Gallery, Calgary Saturday, February 14th

Most love-deprived people don’t like going out alone on the consumer whore extravaganza that is Valentines Day, but the single rockabilly fans of Cowtown had no choice Kabuki Guns as Vancouver’s Big John Bates brought his B.B Burlesque King-signed Telecaster and Brian Setzer-looks along with the sexy Voodoo Dollz Burlesque show to the Night Gallery Saturday. I think there was some music in between the burlesque dance routines. I’m not sure. I wasn’t really paying attention as the musical interludes were merely an opportunity to switch film and get the camera ready for the next set of busty babes. The lack of rockabilly in Calgary is a shame. Leave it up to the homegrown Night Stalkers to fill the void as the drummer-slashlead vocalist began the half-decent, B-side rock assault on the rapidly filling crowd. The popularity of two-man bands (ie The White Stripes, The Black Keys and Canned Hamm), gives the second set of the night, Hip City Blues, some trend points. Add the singers Aviator glasses, and you’ve got full on rock ‘n’ roll revival. The Hip City Blues are just that—Hip and Bluesy, (and probably from some city). With the accompaniment of the Kabuki Guns Burlesque dancers, the crowd was in for one hell of a fuckin’ rock show. What can I say about flask-swingin’ John Bates? Highlights of the night were the firecracker, Care-oline, climbing onto her upright bass and their renditions of “White Wedding” and “Tainted Love.” Bates’ live set was enough to turn any newcomer onto rockabilly—his show will give you wood, and the general hotness of the Voodoo Dollz will finish the job, making this antiValentine cynic one happy pappy. -Brad Halasz

Photo: smarten up

@ the Brickyard, Vancouver Friday Feb. 13, 2004

A really great crowd crawled out of the gutters to pack The Brickyard for this show including yer Lancasters, yer Dunderheads, yer Badamps, yer scuzz punks and yours truly. The one real standout person to me was some guy with a Poison shirt on who I gather was wearing it as a sort of sarcasm but I just think Poison were neither cool nor funny  (they sucked and suck now) so his irony was lost on me! I really love Emergency. To me they are Vancouver’s answer to S.L.F. (if you need an explanation you don’t deserve one). I do miss the stage moves and energy of their young and charismatic lead singer now that he’s taken up bass duties in the band Emergency delivered a great set that had the only true slam dance action reaction and included a cover of The Jam classic “In the City”. Next up was living proof that the boredom of living in a wasteland like Edmonton can create some great punk those yobs known as The Wednesday Night Heroes. The Heroes are like a swift kick in the head delivered from a bunch of smiling faces and frontman Graeme is truly a master of punk rock slapstick who’s worth the price of admission on his own. The band gave the people their money’s worth and more buy whipping out a breakneck cover of my favourite Ramones song “my brain is hanging upside down “ which will be released on a German Ramones tribute comp later this year . What can I say about my brethren the New Town Animals? If you didn’t miss them in their absence, then you’re really missing something vital. The recently reunited New Town Animals played the best set I’ve seen them do as they carelessly banged their instruments like a bunch of mongoloid Muppets on crystal meth. Everyone, myself included, had a great time and my request to those sweet little New Town Mongrels is keep it up. Stay together. Fuck everything else, we’re all glad yer back. Oh, one more thing, somewhere during the show the guy lost his Poison shirt and hopefully he bought a Wednesday Night Heroes shirt to replace it! -Billy Hopeless

Burlesque / The Night Stalkers

Photo: Brad Halasz

Photo: Laura Murray

New Town Animals

The Evaporators/ Immaculate Machine

@Lucky Bar, Victoria BC Thursday February 5, 2004

There are many distinctly Canadian traditions for the rest of world to marvel. Good beer, salt & vinegar chips, BTO and Nardwuar The Human Serviette. It was good to see him again. Victoria’s Immaculate Machine opened up with what I thought was a very good, interesting set. Not at all what I was expecting. A three-piece with keyboards and switch off male/female vocals, IM kind of reminded me of that old SubPop band Hazel. Quirky, poppy, and good at their instruments. The show tune at the end was kind of weird though. You either know The Evaporators or you don’t. There is no explaining what they sound like. Jangly garage rock with the master showman that is Nardwuar. Let the spectacle begin. First off, I’d like to say that the band has never sounded tighter. In control yet all over the place, the band is the perfect pallete for Nard to work his magic. The tunes consisted largely of material from their previous LP, I Gotta Rash, and the new slab, Ripple Rock. Then the cavalcade of costume changes began. You would look away for a second and BAM, Nardwuar had new clothes on. Or the rest of the bands did. Or the audience did… Another thing that should be noted is Nardwuar’s ability to command a crowd. He had us on the floor, jumping up, dancing with strangers, on stage playing his keyboard, carrying him around the room. You name it, Nardwuar had the crowd doing it. Basically, it was a typical night with The Evaporators and I enjoyed every minute of it. -Ty Forslund

Big John Bates and the Voodoo Dollz / Hip City Blues Combo/ the Kabuki Guns

Chinatown/ International Playboys @the Brickyard, Vancouver Friday Feb 20, 2004

It was a gorgeous February Friday night so I impulsively decided to ride my bike to the Brickyard, dodging many a basehead along the way. Upon entrance, I asked a pal (who shall remain nameless) who the opening band was and they replied “the worst band ever” so I’ll leave it at that. The reason I peddled down there was to see Missoula, Montana’s International Playboys ‘cuz last time I saw them I was workin’ the door so I couldn’t rock out efficiently, but bought their debut CD “First Album” and have played it daily since. That show the IP opened for Black Halos and, coincidently, Chinatown but hit the stage the same time Ween were rockin’ the Vogue so many folks missed them. Unfortunately this time the people who would dig them most stayed away ‘cuz they’re not down with Chinatown. The IP are complexguitar rawk (much like the nowdefunct Tight Bros From Way Back When) anchored by equally heavy, stylish bass and drums topped with scuzzy vocals. They’ve got loads of style both in their mod fashion sense and wild stage antics. They blew the roof off of the Brickyard with many of the wicked tunes on their “First Album” and new songs on their forthcoming album so hopefully they’ll return and play with a band more similar in aesthetic and draw the appreciative crowd they deserve. What can I say about Chinatown-they’re a bunch of really cute guys who play really simple rock music-a more syrupy Motley Crue. All the kids love ‘em but they don’t do anything for me. Sorry dudes, but after all it’s “show business, not show friends.” -Casey Cougar

17


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:46 PM Page 18

Books & DVDs

Joe Keithley What other books would you be proud to see I, Shithead sharing shelf-space with? On The Road , Jack Kerouac. Bowering’s B.C., George Bowering. Bound For Glory, Woody Guthrie. You are known as a devoted husband and father, what do your kids have to do to rebel when their dad is known as Shithead? Vote for the Alliance? No, they listen to jazz and emo and watch Friends! Where does a guy whose previous works were all less than three minutes long get off writing a full-length book? Well it was easy. I have been through a lot. When I originally wrote it, it was much longer and the publishers went, “Whoa!” and this book only covered the first half of my career. Writing is a lot of fun and it gives me another outlet to advance my chosen career of being a “professional troublemaker”. (need for quotation marks?) I will start writing a new book about activism next month.

18

Photo: Laura Keithley

Joey Keithly I Shithead - A Life In Punk Arsenal Pulp Press

Some of the most popular and controversial rock bios tend to contain gritty details down to the ounce, gram and cc. Why did you choose to give an immaculate account of the early years as compared to a sleazier beanspillin’ tell-all? Well, we were involved in a lot of controversial issues and we did our fair share of stupid things as [a] band as well, but what I really wanted to get across with I Shithead was the fact that there was a purpose behind the whole thing—a purpose behind punk and D.O.A. We didn’t fall into activism by chance. I wanted to show the positive aspect of punk. To show people if you set your mind to it, you can change the world for the better. What is the highest compliment/accolade you have received in your career? I would say it’s when people come up and let me know that what I and the band have done has had a real good affect on their lives. When people tell me this, I never quite know what to say, but I am glad that they’re happy.

Original-school punk-rocker, newschool folk-rocker, social activist, record producer, label mogul, politician, actor, family guy, and now Joey “Shithead” Keithly can add author to his long list of personal achievments. Of course the one common thread that allows all of his incarnations exist at once within his imposing frame is his general propensity for shit-disturbing. The primary focus of “I Shithead” is to document the early trials and tribulations of his seemingly immortal band, D.O.A. Starting with his seminal pre-D.O.A. band The Skulls and proceeding chronologically in tour diary fashion through to the present, Keithly dumps armload after armload of hilarious anecdotes into the reader’s lap. Anyone who has seen D.O.A. or one of his solo gigs knows Joe’s wry wit and style as he never seems short of stories. His writing style is equally blunt and heavily steeped in his trademark sarcasm. When he says that for every story that made the book there are a hundred that didn’t, you can’t doubt it. If David Lee Roth in a headlock or running the Clash out of town doesn’t impress you, the countless photos and ancient gig posters should. If every band that opened for D.O.A. and then went on to make a million dollars shot Joe a fiver, he’d have enough dough to buy out Paul Martin. We are also afforded a generous peek into his personal life along the way, as well as his initial forays into activism and politics. Also, his tales are usually set against the political backdrop of the particular time and place. One of the endearing qualities of this book is Keithly’s steadfast avoidance of selfagrandising. He let’s the deeds do the talking. If you only pick up one book this year....you don’t read enough. -J. Pee Patchez

Zeke Zeke You DVD Dead Teenager Records

Band DVD’s of shakey handycam interviews and early live footage are being released by the truckful. Although many can only appeal to the hardcore fan, Zeke You surpasses most in quality and variety of footage and wow, it actually has some timeline consistency. This film features a cameo by current Black Halo and Vancouver’s own, Jay Millette that has Millette drinking beer in a hotel room with about a dozen other people. When the camera finishes panning the room and lands on the interviewee, someone courteously turns off the music only to have Millette (we don’t see this as much as hear it) yell “What the fuck happened to the music!” (or something like that, Adrian Mack stole my copy so I can’t confirm the exact words.) Bottom line: an entertaining rock film whether you give a shit about Zeke or not. A.D. MADGRAS NOFX 10 years of Fucking up

NOFX has been around forever. All the “punx” who hate NOFX  have never heard of S&M Airlines. This DVD pays TRUE homage to NOFX, with footage from 1986 to present day. They even have footage of them playing the Jaks Reunion in Portland in 86. Like any Punk DVD you have to watch it with the band commentary. Watching footage of yourself 15 years earlier while being videotaped watching that same footage is just priceless( but when all else fails...fart into the mic). Being a fan of NOFX in the late 80’s, the old footage brought me back to a special time when chain wallets were king and big pants got you laid. It would have been cool to have the dvd included in one of their latest cd’s, but hey, who says it doesn’t pay to be punk. –Jono Jak


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:46 PM Page 19

It’s Rainin’ Men

Opinion

The Giant Bumblebees and Caveman Love

T

he day the first caveman conquered the first bumblebee, that was a great day for animal husbandry. Keep in mind the earth is spinning in a concave gravitational orbit, spinning around the moon at a tremendous rate, thus causing wind, which can clearly be seen in the trees. Windy days are days where the world’s spinning faster, but all this poses problems for gravity, and by extension, for beekeeping. This is important to remember. How else would the dinosaurs stand up? In the past there was less gravity. And this caused real trouble for the cave men! If there was less gravity because the earth was spinning faster, then by definition the bees would be larger in mass. This would also I guess apply to birds, flies, wasps, etc. ad nauseam. Anything that could fly would have been huge and vicious. I’m only guessing here. Possibly a bumblebee, what nowadays is just a child’s plaything, could have been as large as a box. Imagine what happened when the bees attacked the cavemen! Mayhem! And they would, too, because of honey, which was worth more than gold to a caveman because it is a nutrient rich condiment that can save a life, and also it has antibacterial properties that the cavemen doctors would have been aware of. God, just think of the fear. I can’t imagine the fear. Sneak-attack super extra large bumblebees bent on sexual violence and violent sex causing mayhemitery in the cavemen camp. One of the cave men, Og, he ran into the water to save himself, bumblebees being unable to swim. Actually, it makes me

utterly batshit crazy when people who are discussing cave men give them stupid, gutteral one-syllable names. In actual fact, basic linguistic exploration will show that human names have in fact de-evolved elequentorically since the stone-age times. In the old days there were all these guys called Hermando and Jesus Christ walking around, and nowadays it’s all Lonny and Donny and Tyreeeece. It’s Mayhem! And like a lemming I just did the same thing, giving this caveman guy I was telling you about a stupid name. Remember, it’s impossible to tell you his real name as it’s been lost to history; this all happened in cavemen times back in the 1600’s, noone knows about it anymore. It’s not that big a deal, his name, it is his actions, that’s what counted, okay. I think his name was Johnstone.

Anyway, this guy, Johnstone, he saw the massacre and what it did to his fellow cavemen, they were all Homo Habilis cavemen. It was Mayhem! There was a little baby, it was drunk, and it was dragged away by a bumblebee that was the size of a NFL football, and everything was on fire. I imagine, (sorry this article has a lot of imaginary things in it, because I was not there in cavemen times to record what really happened precisely, you fucking complaining faggot of a bitch), he said something like... “Oh God! It’s Mayhem, it’s moved me to tears” Don’t for one moment think that the Homo Habilius had insufficient cranial magnanimity to process a vocalized language of this level of sophistication. Granted, they had no written language, per se, although, as

Jesus said, “you never know what you’ll find tomorrow.” Simply not having physical evidence of a written alphabet doesn’t mean there never was one. Wait and see, there’s always room for more research. Let’s “go with the flow”, though, so to speak, and assume that these cavemen had in fact no written script, which raises some issues in itself. “I...I want to take a bumble bee into my arms.... I want to hold it, to embrace it.... perhaps... perhaps...” Lost in thought, the caveman Johnstone came up with an idea for final victory. It would make him a household name in the war against these strange, large insects and their friend gravity. Johnstone came up with a tyre of horse’s bridle that tied on to the bee’s antennas. In a matter of weeks they were defeated, and sent to work in honeycombs. Then gravity went all fucky and they shrank, I guess. Remember, we have actual dinosaur bones in museums that prove that there were large things in the past, including bumblebees, or at least the biological predecessor to the modern or household bumblebee. “Gaythrills…. (grunt) Primitive Man… and…. Sex-Whore CaveBee (grunt) All… Anal Action” I like to think Johnstone said that. But I have no proof. As Golda Meir once said, “The proof is in the pudding.” Thanks for reading!

19


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:46 PM Page 20

t e a S p k ot S

Skate

Hall Ass

VSPC Heritage Hall Event March 11 Thursday, March 11 is the date for the Vancouver SkatePark Coalition’s annual fundraiser/par-tay, this time at the Heritage Hall on Main Street. - $30. 7-9pm: Eatin’ an’ Talkin’ 9pm: Drinkin’ an’ Rockin’ - $7 Two skatey bands. For details on the event or to volunteer, call acting VSPC Prez Travis Cutler at 505-VSPC.

??Cractpipe?? We went by the C’pipe/Shred Shed the other day and saw a “For Rent” sign on the door. If this truly is its demise, blame must be placed directly on inspector harassment and red tape from all the bureaucrats that want to suppress anything that’s not aimed at 50-somethings. Yeah, let’s squeeze out all the lively little places so that downtown can remain the perfect devastated area in which to enjoy a random act of violence.

RDS Indoor Gnark Some parks is so gnar they is gnarks. Calgary’s Source indoor skatepark and Millennium outdoor park are gnarks. Hastings is a definite gnark. Well, we moved a big step toward indoor gnarkdom with the new RDS Skatepark in Richmond. A thorough street area, Animal

20

Chin vert ramp, and masonite bowls - the place looks rad-infested. It costs $7-$10 and a commute per session but blow off that Tuesday movie or just dump the girl altogether. Peep rdsskatepark.com for pix and directions to this rain-free masonite Habitrail, and watch next month’s Skate Spot for a review.

North Van Plaza Park Big ups to Jim Barnum for continuing his pioneering skatepark ways. Spectrum’s pure street plaza in North Van (the first of its kind in the world, to our knowledge) shows the doubters that there are tricks up his sleeve. When was the last time Big Brother wrote a 2-page article about you? There’s probably a reason for that, so you might want to keep it to a dull roar. The choice of skatepark terrain in VanCity is getting world-class, and his team is one of the major reasons why. Nobody’s getting sponsored for their bitching, except maybe writers - heh. -D-Rock and Miss Kim. email

downspace@telus.net. Thanx to Cory MC and Travis 4 info.


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:46 PM Page 21

Suicide Club

Nerve-worthy Films New to DVD

J

By Bjorn Olson

apanese cult horror has exploded in recent years. Films like Kyoshi Kurosawa’s Cure and Pulse have gotten rep house play dates, Battle Royale is quickly becoming one of the most popular films to never receive North American distribution, Ringu spawned one of the most effective American horror films in recent years, and no film festival worth its salt is complete without a Takashi Miike film. The latest Japanese horror film to stir underground buzz is Sion Sono’s Suicide Club. A convoluted yet effectively creepy post-modern tale about a sudden rash of suicides among high school-aged children in and around Tokyo, Suicide Club is a perfect example of the mood and style of the Japanese new wave. Suicide Club opens with one of the most talked about scenes in recent memory. After being warned by the public address system to stay back from the tracks, a group of 54 schoolgirls do exactly the opposite and join hands to obliviously leap to their deaths as the train station runs red with blood. This is as darkly comic and splatter-y as Suicide Club gets, as the rest of the movie is played as fairly straight (with the occasional surreal touch), social critique. After opening a movie in this manner, it’s clear that Sono is a director who likes to fuck with his audience. Contemporary Japan is dealing with a social crisis called “Hikikomori”, or “social withdrawl”, a condition occurring in young

Film

Cheap Alcohol, Cheap Ass & Cheap Films

paid for this crap” kind-of way. There’s been many examples of these films and director genres to boot, and I have many favourites, but here’s some of the spicier examples for your “entertainment”:

C

By Sinister Sam

people resulting in an over-reliance on technology for companionship due to an alienation from the over-populated and economically depressed society. Japan in the ‘00s seems to be going through a similar upheaval as America in the ‘90s, resulting in sometimes violent and irrational behavior; new phenomena to a society world-renowned for it’s peacefulness and civility. While Miike’s excellent Visitor Q is one of the best depictions of this malaise, Suicide Club uses it in a more dramatic context as a framing device for a murder-mystery. One could go nuts trying to figure out who or what is causing the suicides, but the who’s and what’s in Suicide Club are meant to be symbolic more than anything. The fact that Kuroda (Ryo Ishibashi of Audition), the lead detective can’t communicate with his kids is no coincidence. That’s not to say that Suicide Club suffers from a lack of narrative focus. The investigation of the suicides, and the exceedingly weird paths it takes are gripping and tightly paced. Darkly odd and deeply fascinating, Suicide Club proves that troubled times often result in fascinating art.

Suicide Club and other films like it can be dug up at Oddity Cinema (198 East 15th Ave @ Main)

heapness has always played a major role in determining the aesthetic and overall feel for a film or any other piece of art for that matter. The creative energies that are focused on a production line, if done at a personal obsessive level, usually surpass the tools and the materials at hand. The millions being spent on productions happening around town boggles the imagination. The sheer amount of energy, crews, and time spent on the sewage that usually turns out to be another derivative flash edited star powered horror film or some waste of space comedy or sci-fi “drama” is amazing. It’s amazing that crust punks don’t take over theatres and thrash the living hell out of the places on accordance to the expense versus the integrity of the film: another movie bombs – and some more people are ignored as they sleep on the street. FUCKING MOVIE TERRORISM. Here’s some entertainment: feed the homeless with all the extra money that would otherwise go toward another flop that “should have been good”. The beauty of the vicious human beast is that we are basically easy to entertain, but the main problem these days are all of the “discerning tastes” that have to be appeased by expensive production. Fuck that. As we begin to conjure the directors and projects that went in the other direction and saved money in order to appease obsessions, we get into the world of the (falsely titled) exploitation film. We should re-title these films “The films of the common man”. These are the true films for the people. Neorealist films have their place and mighty stature, but we have to entertain the masses with what they want – to be entertained in that “head flying off looks fake as hell, but who fucking cares, I know that no one was over-

BLOOD FREAK (1972 Dir. Brad Ginter / Steve Hawkes). This film has a strange effect on women. They can never fathom the fact that a man can turn into a turkey and thrash people for taking drugs and doing other detrimental things. The turkey man looks amazing, the kills are fantastic and somewhat disturbing as the cartoonlike quality of a giant turkey man dismembering people has an abstract feel to it that can be really disconcerting. The film has a real odd Christian edge to it as well as finally puts a stamp on the ideology that Christians may all be hypocrites. Yes, deep down inside they’re not peace loving, but want turkey men to fucking rip us apart for drinking too much, doing drugs, and not believing in their “God”.

BEAST FROM HAUNTED CAVE (1959 Dir: Monte Hellman) Monte Hellman went on to make some of the most powerful and respected Americana film productions of all time. TWO-LANE BLACKTOP (1971), THE SHOOTING (1967), RIDE IN THE WHIRLWIND (1967), and COCKFIGHTER (1974), are some of the finest examples of filmmaking anywhere. Hellman films are pure realist slice-of-life on a modest budget, from existential westerns to road movies. It’s no surprise that Hellman got warmed up by directing BEAST FROM HAUNTED CAVE, which is definitely my favourite of his strong repertoire. The film is exactly what is sounds like, a cheap monster movie, but the atmosphere and claustrophobic feel due to the snowy wilderness scenery is amazing. The monster itself is another of my favourite creature creations - covered in webs and darkly menacing – lurking from out of nowhere. B & W atmosphere man, B & W atmosphere. CURSE OF THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN (1972 Dir: Leonard Kirtman) The director of the H.G. Lewis splatter style epic CARNIVAL OF BLOOD (1970), Leonard Kirtman also served up this entry into the headless horseman genre that, in my opinion, captured the intensity and the freefor-all gore in a heavier manner than that of CARNIVAL OF BLOD. The nature of CURSE OF THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN is pure chaos as the camera winds its way around the characters as the plot constantly moves and builds. The badly mic’d dialogue (which is par for the course with these films) drives home the essential realism and distortion). When the headless horseman attacks the resulting blood flying is a sight to behold as the erratic build up of the scenes makes for an intense, although fucked up, viewing.

21


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:46 PM Page 22


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:46 PM Page 23

NERVELAND SMUT RANCH The Ozporns Starring: Tawny Roberts, Chloe, Nikita Denise, Sindee Coxx, Tanya Danielle, Calli Cox, Samantha Sterlyng, Aria, Steve Hatcher, Pat Myne, Marty Romano, Kyle Stone, Ricky Roberts, Cheyne Collins, and Baz. Director: Antonio Passolini

From talk about cat shit, muffins, and … what was I talking about, oh yeah, drugs and the amount of fiber needed for Izzy (Ozzy) to take a shit, this film, obviously, is a spoof of The Ozbourne’s television show. This movie definitely takes liberties as Kelly is a… college student!? What the fuck? She never finished high school or even attends it. What makes the real show funny; watching people who are seriously retarded from a life of excess go about their daily lives, just doesn’t work as a porno. The jokes are dead stale. Messily strewn about this film are scenes such as Jack and his buddy fucking some chick with a d.p. and Kelly dyking it out with two chicks and a selection of dildos. Instead of music, Jack is producing porn… wow, what a surprise. This movie has its moments, but otherwise it’s kinda shitty.

Max: I was confused right from the beginning. Is John West supposed to be the girls’ personal trainer or their cheerleading coach? Another thing that bugged me was the awful transition between the exercising and the fucking. They must have cut something out because there was no real flow to it. Maja: First they were outside, and next thing they’re inside without any segue! At least say something about a time machine or, um, a location transporter or something but noooo…. Max: Uh, I think you mean teleporter… but please, go on…. Maja: The next scene with Slim Shady and Julie Night is HOT!! She’s in a cute tennis outfit and Slim starts macking on her... then they’re all just standing around flirting with Julie like she’s the girl next door... Max: The flirting was the best part of the movie… it seemed very real. I wonder how scripted it was because it sounded very natural. Maja: I thought this scene was totally hot and realistic... I mean, this happened when I was in high school! But not in the middle of the tennis court.… Max: Even though there were a few good parts, there were times where our attention was pulled away… But anyway, Maja, I know you enjoyed the last scene so how about finishing us off?

CROSSWORD

Games

WIN A NERVE MAG GIRLIE T-SHIRT!

In Person: Bring your completed puzzles to the Nerver office weekdays between noon and 5pm or you can mail them. Our address is 508-825 Granville St. Vancouver, BC V6Z-1K9 -by Dan Scum Across

1. South in Quebec 4. Driver’s licence, passport, etc. 7. Spanish gold 10. Nice boobsize 12. _____ in the bucket 14. Sketch out 15. Range above Tenor 16. LEADing health company 17. ______ in Blood 18. Canadian punk legends from Victoria 21. Aah preceder 22. Michigan school 23. Small dollop 26. French bags 29. Too fat 33. The Bagnold 35. Once ______(fairy tale starter) 38. Amebix album title 41. Local Scottie 42. On top 43. Step 44. Kiss; I Love it_____ 47. Random word 48. Joisey playa 50. Billy Milano+Anthrax=_____? 52. Cro-Mags album 61. Get well 62. Type of sub at Duffins Donuts at 33rd and Main 63. Assistant 64. Dixie chicks song (_____ had to die!) 65. Slow pace setter 66. There____ the neighbourhood 67. Not Miss or Ms. 68. Stone Temple Pilots 69. (Oi!) Dynamite

Down

1. One of many? 2. California University 3. Obligation 4. Brainstorm 5. Insipid 6. ______& Gomorrah 7. Multiracial cookie 8. Pleu 9. Has 11. Gacy’s clown name

12. Hawaiian Hello Punk Legends from Van 13. Character 49. Looney _____ 14. Hardcore legends from 51. Dressed as the opposite sex Texas 52. King Diamond album 19. Those(Sp.) 53. Receive sound 20. Oom-pah horns 54. Organs for 53D 23. Fender bender result 55. Descendents descendants 24. Health supplement brand 56. College Brotherhood V 57. S S 25. Prejudiced one B Y O Cleaner of 54D E A T A 58. P P 27. The C-word Result of Rodney King ver28. Ruin A C K I L L dict E R 30. ____ James “Tell God’s garden K EMama” S A U 59. C E 31. Sieta? ______ we forget A L S Z E 60. K E 32. ElectroT R I Magnetic MLast R Issue’s A N T E DSolution: Radiation T R A N G L E R Optimum V A I C E E Neutralizer E N D O 34. Type of A S A L A D S Arabic P S H E L I O 36. R____ & O H O M O L K A Juliet O N E E E K 37. ESPN T O R N D S Award show 39. Engaged in 40. Skating Totally Rules Everything Else Totally Sucks 45. The _______ Suspects 46. Canadian

Fast Times at Deep Crack High #7 Starring: Foxy Lady, Karie Anna, Julie Night, Cindy Lolly, Alura, Vanda, John West, Slim Shady, Lee Stone, and Joey Ray. Director: Stoney Curtis

Max: How can you resist a porno with a name based on a piece of 80’s Americana? Maja: The box cover looked promising but I was disappointed. I was ready for a plot akin for Ferris Bueller or some other complex 80’s high school storyline… Max: I agree, Stoney Curtis could have done so much more with this film. They totally could have gone for the “look”; ladies with teased hair and guys driving muscle cars and shit. Maja: Any story line would’ve been good! Like, the first scene with Foxy & Karie Anna… they’re in the woods doing exercises with juiced up John West.

Maja: The last scene had some good passion... too bad the pick-up didn’t make sense, but I don’t think the Hispanic chick spoke English. She was supposed to come in and “seduce?” the councilor... of course she just plops right down and starts showing her pussy and kicking him in the crotch. Geez, some guys are just too fucking easy!! -Max Crown and Maja Lee

23


Nervemaster March 04 24p_Nervemaster March 04 24p.qxd 2013-05-14 9:46 PM Page 24


The Nerve Magazine - March 2004