THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
Sometimes I think all I want to find is a mean guy and make him be nice to me. Or maybe a nice guy who’s a little bit mean to me. But they’re usually too nice too soon or too mean too long.
- Kim Jong-un
Chock full of GMOs
March 14, 2018
Volume XXIV Issue V
U.S. Children Secede, Form Gun-Free Country
In This issue Confused woman drives into eighth floor of geisel
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Trump Administration Scandal-Free for 13.5 Hours
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the Mq’s magic regents shuttle adventure
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Investigation Finds Rhode Island is Not an Island Muir College announces new writing sequence
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News in Brief PHOTO By daniel clinton
This day in the history in Kidonia would later be known as “the shots not heard around the world.” By Summer Davis
T
Staff Writer
his month, former U.S. citizens under the age of 18 established a gun-free country called Kidonia in response to decades of inaction over school shootings. “We couldn’t vote in the
U.S., but we were getting tired of living in a country where children are shot in schools,” said fifth-grade student and Kidonian Press Secretary Arthur Chen. “So we were just like, ‘Why don’t we make our own country?’ And then we won’t be shot while we’re
“It’s weird how quickly it worked,” Secretary Chen continued. “None of my friends have been shot yet, so it seems like when you get rid of guns, fewer people are shot with guns.”
reading books and stuff.” The idea for Kidonia started in a Facebook group founded by people who had been at a school when a shooting happened. The plan was trending in record time as there were 150,000 teenagers in the group.
See Secession, page 2
Chick-fil-A Launches New Campaign of Human Sacrifice, Profits Remain Unchanged
Busy Student Forced to Schedule Mental Breakdowns After crying for five hours straight, ERC student Josie Lilian made the lifechanging decision to add mental breakdowns to her already busy schedule. “As a student who’s taking 20 units and is involved in four clubs, I need to be on my A-game every day,” Lillian stated proudly. “But all that stress really takes a toll on me from time to time, so I find that I’m in-between complete apathy most days and crippling depression the next. Sometimes, it’ll even alternate from hour to hour! Those days are fun,” Lillian added with a thousand-yard stare. Following Lilian’s seemingly improved mood, other
students have started to follow suit. “Honestly, after scheduling time to punch my pillow and scream in agony, I feel like my life is together,” said Jack Morset, a second-year Muir student. “I mean, I know that it’s not, but it feels like it is, you know? Right? Please tell me I’m right. Tell me I’m doing something right in my life for once.” Since implementing her new strategy, Lillian has disavowed CAPS and a healthy lifestyle entirely. “Who needs sleep? Anything’s possible when you don’t give a shit!” Lilian shouted with bloodshot eyes and a laugh that struck fear into onlookers.
Bottomless Pit Found Not To Be Bottomless
“Can I get a number three, a small fry, and a large human sacrifice?” asked one Chick-fil-A customer. By Hannah Lykins
Managing Editor n what many consumers considered a distasteful choice, Chick-fil-A has recently launched a new campaign: for every 100 chicken sandwiches sold, the company will donate $1 to Sodom and Eve, an organization dedicated to “freeing the planet of infertile women.” “We at Chick-fil-A know that our customers believe in wholesome, all-American values. That’s why we have decided to continue our tradition of giving back by supporting Sodom and Eve, a charity that we think will really revolutionize the country,” said Dan T. Cathy, CEO of Chick-fil-A. “This addition will add to a list of already amazing organizations we support, such as the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Focus on the Family, and the Salvation Army.”
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The Chick-fil-A chain has often been criticized for its support of anti-LGBT and other discriminatory organizations. Sodom and Eve continues along a similar trend as an organization that stands to “achieve a wholesome society through eliminating non-childbearing Americans.” Though controversial, the group garnered support from Chick-fil-A whose mission statement reads: “We stand for traditional Christian values, populating America with God’s children, and good chicken.” The decision to partner with Sodom and Eve has accumulated criticism from many consumers who claimed that “delicious meat isn’t worth the murder.” However, long-time customers of the chain have not let the decision stop their purchasing habits. “Honestly, I just like their
Area barista tries new tea recipe Is promptly fired from Starbucks
chicken too much to stop going,” said Donovan Fronte, a local supporter of the restaurant. “I’m not sexist or homophobic or anything, so I definitely don’t support those weird groups. But then I realized: I’m a cis straight man, so this doesn’t really affect me. Even though Chick-fil-A supports killing women, I still can’t make myself care. Maybe if they were taking away my guns or my dipping sauces ... ” Other customers supported the campaign, citing the company’s adherence to “wholesome values.” As of Monday, small groups of customers have taken to standing outside of their city’s restaurants, advocating for the campaign. “I, for one, endorse this new campaign, and I’m glad that there’s at least one company I can count on to support my viewpoints. I honestly
PHOTO By jessica ma
don’t care about their food, but I’ll keep paying money to stick it to those overly-sensitive snowflakes. Also, I’m pretty sure those women deserved to die — women are just here to be mothers, and they aren’t doing that. And that’s just unAmerican,” said Tom Maginer, a frequent customer rallying in front of his local store. In spite of a mixed response, Chick-fil-A has already begun planning their next campaign: for every 50 frozen lemonades purchased, the company will sponsor the euthanasia of one dog or cat in a shelter. “Alright, now they’ve crossed a line. Gay people, whatever. Women, who cares. But cute puppies and kitties? That’s just too far,” said one former Chick-fil-A customer. “I like to consider myself a real animal lover.”
Local bank burglarized Man convicted of melony
A small pebble was tossed into a large, seemingly bottomless pit early last week by third grade student Darius Macondo. The pebble has reportedly not yet reached the bottom with no sounds or splashes heard. Darius was hoping that an eventual pitter or a muffled pater would give him some comfort in the universe and resolve the whole matter, but no such sound emerged. He recruited more students who listened in shifts for a plop or a splish, but none came back to class aghast when they failed to sense a semblance of sound. As days turned to almost a week and spirits turned meek, this small group of kids felt themselves falling
further and tumbling longer down the pit, upturning supposed physical constraints. Their aim was modest and their intentions pure, but they quickly got caught in the mysterious lure of a forever falling piece of rock. They became more obsessive. Their parents claimed they were regressive, and they hoped that an echoing sound would put the experiment to rest. They tried their best to forget and continue, but they couldn’t pursue anything quite as divine. When finally, at press time, Darius peered over the pit, trying to get closer to hear the rock hit, he jumped back in wonder as he heard from way down there a definite, finite plop.
Research Shows Your Childhood Bullies Were Right New research released by the Psychological and Brain Science department at SDSU has revealed that your childhood bullies were right. The study conducted by Alex Bullebak followed students from early elementary school into adulthood, tracking how the study participants deviated or fulfilled the insults thrown at them by their bullies. The study concluded that your childhood bullies were extremely effective at finding your flaws. Per example cited by Bullebak, one participant, given the pseudonym “Student A,” in fourth grade was called a “lazy stupid-head” by another student in the grade
above them. During a follow up on the study, Student A revealed that they procrastinated in college and had failed at least two classes because they were too challenging. Bullebark commented on this by writing, “As you can see, Student A was called stupid and lazy in elementary school, and this attribute was detected later in life. The bully was 100 percent effective in detecting Student A’s flaws.” Bullebak believes that his research is groundbreaking and hopes that more funding is given to detecting how much of a fucking failure you will be later in life.
See BRIEFS, page 11