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Montclarion #MSUStudentVoice Since 1928

Volume XXVII, Issue 21

Thursday, April 1, 2017

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DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOLS’ DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.

Susan Cole’s Status as Lizard Person Confirmed Jessica D’Onofrio Social Media Editor It has long been rumored that premier members of the world’s nations, ranging from political leaders to beloved celebrities, are secretly members of an alien race of lizard people hellbent on destroying Earth and its people, and the latest confirmed member is among the Montclair State University community.

First theorized by David Icke, who claimed in 1989 that Queen Elizabeth was a synthetic skin suit-wearing humanoid lizard, the reign of The Reptilian Elite has been indoctrinated into many internet conspiracy theorist’s repertoire.

However, what psychologists are quick to call “prudent paranoia” has indeed been proven true as newly discovered evidence proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Dr. Susan A. Cole, the eighth president of Montclair State University, is, in fact, a lizard person.

Counted among public figures like George W. Bush, Bill and Hillary Clinton, and television personalities like Bob Hope, Cole’s true extraterrestrial nature was a well-kept

Dr. Susan Cole is captured on camera in her reptilian state, talking to students.

secret until students began reporting strange occurrences and odd inconsistencies in her behavior. Rachel Trotter, a sophomore, reported seeing Cole snack on a bag full

of what looked like dead flies at Homecoming this year.

“At first I thought they were raisins,” Trotter explained, shuddering. “But then I saw the wings. She was using her

Photo courtesy of Mike Peters Edited by Jessica D’Onofrio| The Montclarion

fingernail to pick them out of her teeth. That’s sick!”

Trotter was not the only student to notice something off about Cole. Linguistics major Ivy Jane Dimaculangan also

reported to The Montclarion that, after last Wednesday’s Student Government Association meeting, Cole’s skin Lizard continued on Page 2

President Donald Trump to Speak at Spring Commencement Ceremony Lucia Godoy Assistant Web Editor

A week after the Student Government Association (SGA) voted anonymously against a bill that would have made Montclair State University a sanctuary campus, Susan A. Cole announced that President Donald J. Trump will be delivering a speech during the commencement ceremony in May 2017.

“I guess after Rutgers University had their first sitting president give their graduation speech last year, we just couldn’t be less,” said Henry Nunez, a sophomore political science major.

After the mass email sent out by Cole on Tuesday, in which the president of the

school confirmed rumors of Trump being the first choice to deliver the commencement speech, students had a wide variety of reactions.

“I had heard rumors for a while that they were considering having Trump give our graduation speech, but I never actually thought Montclair State would fall this low,” said Claire Smith, a senior biology major. “I mean, we go from considering becoming a sanctuary campus, to having Trump give our commencement speech? I think that’s pretty ridiculous.”

Despite part of the student body being outraged, some of the students found it an honor that the 45th President of the United States was conPresident Trump’s spokesperson says he has already started brainstorming.

NEWS

FEATURE

p. 4 Disney Purchases Montclair State

p. 8 Bradley Cooper Spotted on Campus

Photo courtesy of Mike Peters Edited by Jessica D’Onofrio| The Montclarion

Trump continued on Page 2

OPINION

ENTERTAINMENT

SPORTS

p. 11 We Love You Susan Cole

p. 15 Susan Cole Releases Diss Track, Slams Rutgers

p. 20 Ostrich Racing Added to NCAA Sports

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PAGE 2 • April 1, 2017 • The Montclarion

THE MONTCLARION Student Center Annex 113 Montclair, N.J. 07043

Managing Editor: (973)-655-5282

Operations Manager: (973)-655-5237 / (267)-981-9909

The Montclarion is a publication of Montelican Publishing, Inc. published weekly, except during examinations, summer and winter sessions. The Montclarion is funded by student fees distributed by Montclair State University and incoming advertising revenue. The views expressed in the Opinion section, with the exception of the Main Editorial, do not necessarily reflect the views of The Montclarion.

The first issue of The Montclarion, then named The Pelican, was published on Nov. 28, 1928.

OUR STAFF Executive Board Editor-in-Chief

Editorial Board News

Managing Editor

Feature

Deanna Rosa montclarionchief @gmail.com

Thomas Formoso montclarionmanaging @gmail.com

Production Editor Kevin Saez

montclarionproduction

@gmail.com

Assistants News Alexandra Clark Tiani Rabb Christina Urban Opinion Vaniele Casimir Entertainment Babee Garcia

Feature Chanila German

Copy Dominique Evans Haley Wells

Sports Anthony Gabbianelli Photography Rebecca Tash Web Lucia Godoy

Editorial Cartoonist Dan Evans

Staff Operations Manager

Don Spielvogel montclarionadsales @gmail.com

Dana Jarvis montclarionnews @gmail.com

Teanna Owens montclarionfeature @gmail.com

Lizard: Students Spot Dr. Susan Cole’s Reptilian-like Tail and Long Tongue Continued from page 1

took on a sickening green hue.

“It was so weird,” said Dimaculangan. “And right after I noticed her skin was all dry and scaly, I saw her tongue slip out of her mouth and, get this, she licked her eyeball! Her eyeball!”

To most, this information is unsettling. However, there are some on campus who have long suspected Cole’s true reptilian nature.

“I knew it,” said Shane JonesRust, a junior English major. “I’ve been saying this for years. Finally the truth comes out. I also have this idea that at least 70 percent of the professors here are actually just Chuck E. Cheese animatronics, but I’m still working on finding proof.”

It was not until The Montclarion received an email from an anonymous source containing a photo of Cole, hands folded over her chest, in her true reptilian form, that the staff began investigating these claims. After having experts analyze the email and its contents, it appears as though the photo was not doctored or manipulated in any way. The

photo printed above is not a hoax: it is Dr. Susan Cole.

This, coupled with the influx of reports of Cole’s frequent trips to the recreation center pool and talk of the “long, lime green and yellow tail” that has recently appeared through her pantsuits, seems more than substantial evidence to unmask Cole as the fraudulent fly-eating, blood-drinking, Earth-ruining lizard person she truly is.

Many questions are still left unanswered: Is Cole purpose-

fully forgoing her synesthetic human suit, allowing students to see her real self? Does the failing of her skin suit mean tuition will spike in the near future to cover the cost of making a new one? What does this mean for the future of Montclair State and its human students?

When asked about these allegations, Cole—who recently released a fire diss track entitled “Back to Barchi” under the name S. Cole—declined to comment.

“At first I thought [she was eating] raisins, but then I saw the wings. She was using her fingernail to pick them out with her teeth. That’s sick!”

- Rachel Trotter, sophomore

Opinion

Emily Rovner montclarionopinion @gmail.com

Entertainment Awije Bahrami Tess Reynolds montclarion entertainment @gmail.com

Sports

Emma Cimo Josue Dajes montclarionsports @gmail.com

Chief Copy Editor Fiorella Medina Cassandra Sardo montclarioncopy @gmail.com

Web Editor

Daniel Falkenheim montclarionweb @gmail.com

Photography

Alex Gamboa Therese Sheridan

Trump: Students Have Mixed Reactions about this Year’s Commencement Speaker

Continued from page 1

firmed as the first choice to give the opening speech at the commencement ceremony.

“Honestly, if more than half the country votes for an egg to be our president, that egg would deserve the same respect that is given to every other president, whether the other half like it or not,” said Christiana White, a freshman business administration major. “I personally think it’s an honor that a president comes

to give our graduation speech, and I would hope that he’s treated with the same respect that Obama was treated with at Rutgers.”

According to a member of the administration, among the choices for the speaker was Lester Holt, who already visited Montclair State last December when he was awarded Allen B. DuMont Broadcaster of the Year for 2016. However, the same member of the ad-

ministration said that, for the sake of offering the students a variety in speakers and presenters, they discarded that option early on in the debate.

“I would seriously prefer Kevin Hart to give that speech,” said Mark Landis, a junior psychology major. “I’d definitely take him more seriously.”

Red Hawk Rap Sheet Friday, Mar. 24 Montclair State Police Department: One student, a professional eSkills Competitor, reported a case of fried eye balls from staring at the screen for too long.

Graphic by Claudia Habrahamshon

Editor-in-Chief: (973)-655-5230

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOLS’ DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.

Sunday, Mar. 26 Sam’s Place: Staff reported that a student walked in without swiping and stole all of the pasta. This case is under investigation.

Monday, March 27 Lot 60: An unidentified student was arrested for taking up four spaces in the parking lot. UPD has charged the subject with being an impolite jerk with no regard for others.

Monday, March 27 Bohn Hall: Students reported seeing a non-student knocking on doors, trying to sell fake Pokemon Cards. This case is under investigation.

Tuesday, March 28 College Hall: Staff reported that the Red Hawk statue has been vandalized and part of its left wing is missing. This case is under investigation.

Social Media

Jessica D’Onofrio

Faculty Faculty Advisor Tara George georgeta @montclair.edu

Writers and Contributors Chantel Diaz, Julia Siegel, Luis Ari Lopez Wei, Jess D’Onofrio, Bradley Cooper, Sleeping Beauty, Lilo and Stitch, J.K. Rowling, The Brady Bunch, Nigel Thornberry, Spongebob, Ed Sheeran

Saturday, Mar. 25 University Hall: Rebecca Tash, 20, from Randolph N.J. was arrested for making too many people laugh during a class session.

Anyone who has information regarding these incidents is urged to call the police station at T-I-P-S (8477).

All calls are strictly confidential.

themontclarion.org

The Montclarion • April 1, 2017 • PAGE 3

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.

University to Debut New Parking Deck in Student Center Quad Spring 2018 Luis Ari Lopez Wei Staff Writer Tiani Rabb Assistant News Editor Students at Montclair State University have mixed opinions about the school’s announcement that construction on a new 1,700-spot parking structure will begin next semester.

The new parking structure, which will cost $13 million to build, is in response to complaints from the student body concerning trouble finding parking in existing parking structures. The school has plans to place this new parking deck in the middle of the Student Center quad, which will involve uprooting sidewalks, trees, and more construction delays due to re-routing walking paths.

“There have been times when I’ve spent over an hour looking for parking in CarParc Diem or Red Hawk Deck,” said Jason Bannon, senior at Montclair State. “Honestly throughout my time here, I’ve considered dropping out just because of the parking situation, numerous times, but I’m glad I’m not gonna be footing the bill on this one.”

Some are worried that the university might be taking on way too much with this new project because of all the construction already happening.

Junior psychology major Jaelyn Pitts said, “I think it’s absolutely ridiculous how the university thinks that they can just keep adding stuff. There is already too much construction going on. There’s no need for more additions.”

Some students are concerned about the price tag, and the height of the structure, which will stand taller than most

Rebecca Tash| The Montclarion

When completed, the garage will tower over Schmitt Hall by at least 300 feet.

“There have been times when I’ve spent over an hour looking for parking in CarParc or Red Hawk, honestly throughout my time here, I’ve considered dropping out, just because of the parking situation, numerous times, but I’m glad I’m not gonna be footing the bill on this one.”

- Jason Banon, senior other buildings on campus.

However, some students don’t have a problem with either. It will be available for overnight

Official blueprint of the new parking structure.

Only a few students own passes to park in the NJ Transit deck.

parking, free of cost which is seen as a perk for many.

“Seventeen hundred spots?

Hell, if I were them, I’d make

Dana Jarvis| The Montclarion

it double that,“ said Ashley Sessions, a junior at Montclair State. “The bigger, the better!

And it’s okay—we’ll make the town pay for it.”

Some people, however, are just downright upset that a big part of the main campus where students hang out on warm days is now going to be used to hold cars.

Senior biology Jack Downer said, “I’ve been at this school for four years, and my college experience wouldn’t have been the same without the quad. I made some of my best friends there and the fact that the university is building a parking deck there now is really disappointing.”

According to Parking Services, there are currently 6,297 parking spaces at the university. For a school with over 20,000 students, and an increasing number every year (the majority of whom commute), many students feel that the number of parking spaces is not sufficient.

The new parking structure will bring the number of spots to almost 8,000, which the university’s president, Dr. Su-

san Cole, hopes will help put students at ease. Cole also has more plans to alleviate parking problems in the future.

“This is just the beginning,” said Cole. “In the coming years, we plan to continue working on parking at the school and also hope to greatly increase the number of students who live on campus.”

Employees of Parking Services are also happy about the new structure.

“Hopefully with this, we’ll see a decrease in annoying students complaining about not being able to find parking,” said Anthony Spicer, an employee of Parking Services.

“We get it—parking here is awful, but it’s not our fault.”

Parking Services will also be opening another small office in the new parking structure to be on-hand to deal with any potential issues that may arise.

The ambitious project for building the structure will begin at the end of the current semester and is expected to be completed sometime in early 2018, just in time for the beginning of the spring semester.

Alex Gamboa| The Montclarion

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PAGE 4 • April 1, 2017 • The Montclarion

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOLS’ DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.

Disney Purchases Montclair State Julia Siegel Staff Writer On Wednesday, March 29, Montclair State University President Susan Cole made a shocking announcement: The Walt Disney Company has purchased Montclair State University and will be taking over all operations immediately.

The presumably multimillion-dollar deal gives full ownership, power and control of the university to Disney.

In a meeting with the Board of Trustees, Cole stated, “Unbeknownst to many, we have been looking for a corporate partner for Montclair State for years. I fully believed that we could find a great partner, and we certainly never expected a company would be so interested that they would buy the university.”

While the full details of the new arrangement have not been fully disclosed, Disney announced some big changes coming to campus starting next week. First, the name of the school will officially be changed to Mouseclair State University, effective Saturday, April 1, to keep with Disney’s branding.

Students will no longer be allowed to wear any apparel that supports the former Montclair State University.

Disney has been kind enough to offer a clothing swap on Monday, April 3 in the Student Center Ballrooms from 12 to 8 p.m. Students are encouraged to bring their old apparel and swap it for the newly-branded Mouseclair clothing.

Say goodbye to Rocky the

Disney is going to change the entire atmosphere on campus.

Red Hawk and hello to Iago, the obnoxious red parrot from Disney’s 1992 animated classic, “Aladdin.” Iago will replace Rocky as Mouseclair State’s mascot immediately, and will make special appearances in every classroom next week.

The Red Hawk statue outside of College Hall will be melted down and recast as a giant totem of Iago wearing Mickey Mouse ears.

“Everyone at Disney loves the idea of the Red Hawk

Photo courtesy of Marc Levin (Flickr.com)

statue greeting students and visitors to the university, so we want a similar representation for Mouseclair State,” Disney’s chief financial officer, Christine McCarthy, said. “By repurposing the current statue, students will quickly feel at home with the new feel of the university.”

Tuition will also be raised by $10,000 per year, starting in the fall 2017 semester, in order to compensate for some new features. The Iago statue will feature two 200-carat ruby

eyes, which will be paid for by tuition money. Disney also announced that they will be adding their famous underground tunnel system to campus for professors and staff members to move around quicker. Construction has already started, so students may experience some rumbling sounds and feelings while sitting in class.

The Student Center will also be updated in 2018 with a brand new castle facade. Disney is planning on having a student vote for which castle

to construct.

One major change that is sure to upset students is that Disney will be utilizing the new School of Communication and Media for its animators and visual effects teams.

“On a recent tour of the campus, we saw that the students already have wonderful facilities to utilize,” Disney CEO Bob Iger said. “One of the main reasons The Walt Disney Company has bought the university is its proximity to New York City and the potential to have more space to create more content.”

The specific Disney teams moving into the new building have yet to be determined, but are scheduled to start working as soon as the building is complete and Disney’s equipment is installed.

Disney is planning a massive press conference on the quad on Saturday, April 1 to announce all of the scheduled changes to campus.

“The press conference will be the perfect opportunity for students to learn all about the new Mouseclair State University and show off their pride for their new school,” Cole said.

The quad is rumored to eventually have classic Disney rides for student enjoyment.

“The Walt Disney Company is excited to start this new adventure with the community of Montclair, New Jersey,” Iger said. “We hope the students will embrace the updates immediately and will enjoy their yearly 50 percent off a theme park ticket coupon as being members of the Disney family.”

The Montclarion Staff Goes on Strike, Refuses to Write Articles Until Demands are Met

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The Montclarion • April 1, 2017 • PAGE 5

P E R F O R M A N C E S

Arditti, Chiara, Harlem, Shanghai Quartets With

Eliot Fisk and John Patitucci

March 31 – April 2

20

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Commuter Life Appreciation Party!

March 31, 5:30 – 7:30 p.m.

Alexander Kasser Theater Upper Lobby Free food, games, prizes and more!

No charge for Montclair State Undergrads courtesy of your Performing Arts Fee

Department of Theatre and Dance

Danceworks April 6 – 9

Free Event!

Into the Sun April 6–9 Life Hall, Performance Studio

973-655-5112 | peakperfs.org Alexander Kasser Theater Convenient parking in the Red Hawk Deck Photo: Courtesy of Montclair State University/Mike Peters

All Seats

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No charge for Montclair State Undergrads courtesy of your Performing Arts Fee

PAGE 6 • April 1, 2017 • The Montclarion

themontclarion.org

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOLS’ DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION.

ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THROUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.

The Big Bird on Campus Rocky Receives Offers Outside the Nest

Rocky showing off at the Feliciano School of Business.

Teanna Owens Feature Editor This week, Montclair State’s very own Rocky the Red Hawk made his debut in Times Square, starring in a 30-second student-produced commercial.

After being on the big screen for only a couple of days, the advertisement has apparently caught the attention of some big name companies who have since inquired about having Rocky join their franchise.

“Oh yeah, you wouldn’t believe some of the offers I’ve gotten,” said Rocky. “Angry Birds has asked me to star in their sequel, 'Angry Birds 2.' And do you know the app, Flappy Bird? Even they want to feature a Rocky character in their game,” he explained eagerly.

Although he was honored to be recognized by such big

name brands, Rocky said that recognition and offers from the bird entertainment industry was expected.

“I’m a pretty good looking bird,” said Rocky jokingly as he proudly rubbed his beak.

However, what wasn’t expected was the attention he’s now getting from brands asking him to model clothing and promote products that are set to launch this spring.

Beats Electronics, Hugo Boss and Nike have all presented offers that are “to die for,” according to Rocky. Not only is Rocky being asked to model men’s clothing lines and walk in New York Fashion Show: Spring Edition, but the brand strategist at Nike has also asked Rocky to star in a commercial promoting a new slogan: "You Can Do It." The commercial would take

Photo Courtesy of Feliciano Center for Entrepreneurship Website

a month to film and would be shot overseas. As of now, it would follow a similar story idea to the Times Square commercial that Rocky starred in with the "zero to hero” theme.

The student-produced commercial begins with a young Rocky who encounters failures such as having difficulty learning how to drive and going to prom dateless. The story line then transitions to show Rocky’s success after being admitted to Montclair State's business school.

According to Rocky, Nike ambassadors want to test drive this new slogan in an effort to promote the new campaign that encourages people to live healthier lives. The producers are eager to get started on the project and are having Rocky fly to Brazil, as they want to launch the commercial in May.

“So far, the producers want me as the main character of the commercial,” said Rocky. “So it will be me pretty much failing at life, then putting on some Nike clothing gear and then succeeding.”

Although Rocky shared small details of the potential deal, he admitted that his starring in the commercial, as well as the story line for it, are not set in stone, but they’re in the works.

He also explained that with May being National Physical Fitness and Sports Month, they hope to get started on the project as soon as possible.

When asked what the holdup was, Rocky replied somberly that he couldn’t fathom the thought of being away from the Montclair State community.

“You know, I’ve been here for 15 years,” said Rocky. “I

just celebrated my birthday last semester here, and I just really appreciate the love and support I get from the students and faculty here at Montclair State.”

Rocky explained that he loves going to athletic and social events and greeting his fellow Red Hawks on campus.

Although Rocky hasn’t decided on whether or not he’ll be leaving Montclair State to live in Brazil for the entire month of April, he has admitted that, so far, he has enjoyed the perks of being in the spotlight and having companies throw money at him.

“The other day I ordered leaves from the largest tree in the world,” said Rocky. “I’m excited to add them to my nest.

They’re supposed to be the most conforming to your feathers.”

"I just celebrated my birthday last semester here and I just really appreciate the love and support I get from the students and faculty here at Montclair State."

- Rocky the Red Hawk, Montclair State University mascot

themontclarion.org

The Montclarion • April 1, 2017 • PAGE 7

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Pay SAME Flat-rate Tuition & fees you pay to study in Montclair! You can use federal, state, and private financial aid as well as MSU scholarships!

Student Center Annex, Room 207 http://www.montclair.edu/global-education/ study-abroad/outgoing-students/

PAGE 8 • April 1, 2017 • The Montclarion

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DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOLS’ DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION.

ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THROUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.

"Bradley loves chin rubs," says Chiara LaFazia, his long time friend and caregiver.

Jessica D'Onofrio | The Montclarion

Hollywood Star Bradley Cooper Spotted On Campus Jessica D'Onofrio Social Media Editor

Bradley Cooper, star of the upcoming film "Guard-Dogs of the Galaxy 2," has been seen trotting around campus by multiple eyewitnesses. No one is sure why.

Montclair State University is no stranger to celebrity visitors, from the upcoming literary festival panel with Trevor Noah to last semester’s homecoming concert with Andy Grammer and Gavin DeGraw, but it has never seen the likes of its newest, cutest A-list celebrity resident: Mr. Bradley Cooper.

Most know Cooper, 2, from his critically acclaimed films "American Sniffer," which was nominated for six academy awards including Best Actor, and "Silver Linings Pupbook," where he starred alongside Jennifer Lawrence of "The Hunger Games."

Cooper has been spotted by several Montclair State students trotting through campus, occasionally stopping to sniff and eat the grass, according to eye witnesses. While often seen sporting a fabulously trendy Tom Ford Emotional Support Animal (ESA) vest, his longtime friend and caregiver, Chiara LaFazia, often helps him pick “fun, snazzy little body suits” to make sure he is snug and warm. His suits, LaFazia continued, also help to “keep his chiseled abs hidden from view so crowds don’t flock around him.”

What a shame.

What is Bradley Cooper doing at Montclair State? That remains the question. Eyewitnesses have claimed to see Mr. Cooper rather frequently in or around Webster Hall 200A, chatting with students as they wait to meet with their advisors.

“He’s a great friend to the Center for Advising and Student Transitions (CAST) office,” said James Carolan, junior, in regard to Mr. Cooper’s semifrequent visits. “The students like listening to his Hollywood stories and he’s a huge flirt. You just have to watch out for your jacket because he likes to crawl

in them and sleep sometimes.”

Whether or not Cooper has accepted a full-time position with CAST is unclear, though his picture is on the “Meet the Peer Advisors” board in Webster Hall.

When asked, CAST declined to comment.

Students have also speculated that Cooper may be auditing classes as a means of researching for an upcoming project.

LaFazia laughed at the idea, stating that Bradley Cooper is “more interested in chewing the eyeballs out of plushies than researching for a role. He’s more of a practical aesthete, anyway.” Whether or not being a "practical aesthete" means mutilating helpless stuffed animals, however, is questionable.

Liv Rauso, a sophomore psychology major at Montclair State and friend of LaFazia, said that, despite his affinity for chew toys that aren’t really chew toys, Cooper is really just “a fun guy to be around.”

Rauso lives with LaFazia in Dinallo and claims Mr. Cooper is “a bit of a freeloader” as he eats their food and sleeps in their beds but doesn’t ever chip in for groceries. “He sleeps 18 hours a day!” Rauso exclaimed, taking a moment to compose herself. “I don’t mind, but when you’ve got a paper to write and there’s a movie star sleeping on the floor, it’s hard not to get jealous.”

Whatever his reason for visiting Montclair State, Cooper has become a staple of the campus community. If you see Cooper with his friends, feel free to say hello. Unlike most Hollywood celebrities, Cooper is always willing to take a photo with fans or paw-print an autograph.

“He loves his fans,” gushed LaFazia. “Where would he be without them?”

Cooper is fun, friendly and eager to star in your Snapchat story. All he asks in return is a few scratches behind the ear (always ask first!), a simple "what a good boy you are!” and your unwavering love and devotion.

With a face like his, that isn’t hard to promise to make.

Bradley Cooper smiles for the camera.

Jessica D'Onofrio| The Montclarion

Bradley Cooper signs autographs for his adoring fans.

Jessica D'Onofrio | The Montclarion

themontclarion.org

The Montclarion • April 1, 2017 • PAGE 9

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOLS’ DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION.

ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THROUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.

Professor Rock

Unsung Heroes of Montclair State University A series featuring stories about people within the university community whose jobs are unusual and often go unnoticed

Montclair State Professor Rock poses in front of the Student Center.

Chanila German| The Montclarion

Montclair State's Best 'Shoulder to Lean On' Announces Retirement Chanila German Assistant Feature Editor “He is always ready to help those that desperately need it,” said Alexandra Smith, a communication major at Montclair State, when talking about the famous rock that has stolen all the hearts at Montclair State.

Professor Rock, the name of the infamous rock sitting outside the Student Center, is known to lend a helping hand to all his students in their times of need. Whether it is a class assignment, or a friend that you just need to talk to, Professor Rock is always sitting and waiting to listen and help.

He often spends his days sitting and looking like all the other rocks around the school, but Professor Rock is no ordinary rock. All a student needs to do is sit on top of the rock, and talk about his or her problems to him. The famous rock seems to always have the perfect advice for any situation, and is a perfect professor and tutor for subjects like math and science.

Matthew Johnson, an English major, said, “If it wasn’t for Professor Rock, I would not even be here right now.

He just understands me, and knows what I need to succeed.

He doesn’t even need to utter a single word for me to learn from him. Just sitting on top of the rock with my textbook open helps to bring the knowledge into my brain.”

After spending years in beauty pageant contests, and winning several awards including

“New Jersey’s Best Looking Rock” and “Best Looking Rock in the World,” Professor Rock wanted to pursue his true passion in life—teaching.

After a successful run in pageantry, Professor Rock put down his makeup bag and picked up a textbook at Montclair State. In September 1985, Professor Rock started his first year of college and majored in mathematics.

After completing all of his courses and being at the top of his class, Professor Rock sought employment at his alma mater and was hired immediately.

For the last 25 years, Professor Rock has been the rock of the school by giving lectures, helping students with homework and making time to listen to students' problems.

Sadly, Professor Rock is retiring after his countless years of working. On his retirement, Professor Rock said that, “I’m heading off to Van Saun Park. It’s a comfy park that has tons of room for me to just sit around and do nothing. I’m most excited to finally get some rest done, and be alone with my thoughts. I haven’t been able to do that in a while.”

All of Montclair State is wishing Professor Rock with the best of luck for his next stage in life. He truly is the rock of the school.

"If it wasn't for Professor Rock, I would not even be here right now. He understands me and knows what I need to succeed."

- Matthew Johnson, English major at Montclair State

PAGE 10 • April 1, 2017 • The Montclarion

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Place your Classified Ad right here in The Montclarion.

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Book your classified NOW! For info Email: MontclarionAdSales@gmail.com or call Don Spielvogel (973) 655-5237 or (215) 860-5533 CHILDCARE / DRIVER NEEDED FOR UPPER MONTCLAIR FAMILY Seeking a responsible, reliable person to pick up two (busy!) middle school children from school in Montclair, and drive them to their various sports and lessons, walk our friendly Labrador, and help with errands. Must have reliable car, good driving record, and strong references.

Nonsmoking home. Can be for 1, 2 or 3 afternoons a week, 2:30pm to approx. 7pm.

Email: Judigermano@gmail.com $15-20 / HR, BEFORE or AFTER SCHOOL, DRIVING SITTER, LIVINGSTON Seeking responsible care for two children (age 3 & 6).

Monday to Friday, 7:00 am-9:00 am to assist with breakfast, light clean-up & getting the kids to school. On some workday afternoons, we may need someone from 3:30 – 5:30 pm to pick-up from school, light snacks, homework assist, driving to local sports & supervision of play. Must have own car with a clean driving record. Experience preferred & a reference(s) required.

Email: yihongzhu@live.com or text: (973) 520-6980.

EARN $$$; START BUILDING YOUR SUCCESSFUL CAREER NOW! Make $$$. Use your social media & marketing skills to attract people to career success courses & coaching. Earn a commission & experience. Send Resume and Cover Letter to: coachnancy@getyourselfstarted.com. Courses include How to Gain Valuable Experience from Internships, Transitioning from Graduate to Professional, Getting Ahead of the Competition, and Staying Sane While Being an Alzheimer’s Caregiver for a Parent or Grandparent.

See www.GetYourselfStarted.com. Makes a great graduation gift from the parents! $15-20 / HR, AFTER SCHOOL BABY SITTER FOR 12 & 10 YR OLD, MONTCLAIR Montclair family is seeking a reliable after-school nanny / sitter – 3:00-8:00 PM (some flexibility). Job includes picking up kids from school and/or driving to activities or play dates, meal planning and preparation for kids, keeping kitchen clean, helping kids with homework & doing their chores,light kid laundry. May include occasional errands related to kids, scheduling play dates, etc. Need own car with clean driving record. Looking for someone who is well organized, responsible and fun.

Start: ASAP Email: Bigb@siteny.com MAKE EXTRA MONEY, MONTCLAIR Looking to Make EXTRA $$$ No Base, great commissions.

Connect us with new potential companies wanting Tech Service & Solutions. Interested?

Send Resume & Cover Letter to: Earnextracash@jmor.com.

LOOKING FOR INTERNS, PAID & UNPAID, MONTCLAIR Looking for paid & unpaid Interns to do Social Media Marketing! And office mailings. If interested send Cover Letter and Resume to Internships@Jmor.com.

DATE NIGHT/AFTER-SCHOOL SITTER NEEDED, UPPER MONTCLAIR Seeking an occasional sitter for my 11-year-old son, especially Saturday evenings (usually 6-8:30) and some weekdays (flexible) after school (starting around 2:30). I’d love to find someone upbeat & fun who has experience in education / working with kids with special needs.

Also, my son adores video games & creating computer animation, so an interest in those things is a plus! Must be comfortable with cats & dogs and strong enough to walk our sweet (and strong) French bulldog.

Please contact me at vanessavozar@gmail.com. $120.00 / WK, AFTER-SCHOOL DRIVER NEEDED, MONTCLAIR After-school driver needed for our 2 children, ages 13 & 15. $120 / week – All driving is local – to and from activities, some of which change weekly. Must have own car and clean driving record, be super responsible and flexible. Driving needed for entire school year. If interested, please email: abramsliza@gmail.com AFTER-SCHOOL BABYSITTER NEEDED, MONTCLAIR After school sitter needed starting mid-Sept for our 10 year-old daughter. Mon, Tues, Thurs & Fri, 3-6 pm.

Responsibilities include: School pick up, light help with homework, prepare dinner, and drive (incl. carpool) to gymnastics practice in Woodland Park. Sitter must have own car and clean driving record. If interested, please email: Edinajung@gmail.com.

AFTERNOON SITTER, GLEN RIDGE We are seeking an afternoon sitter 3 days/week, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 3:00 – 6:00 pm. We have three children, 11, 8, 4 and a dog. Sitter must be able to drive & have a clean driving record. Afternoons will consist of homework help, driving to activities, occasional playdates and tidying up. If you are interested, please email: Lonergana@gtlaw.com.

Classifieds Help Wanted

$200 / WEEK AFTER-SCHOOL SITTER, MONTCLAIR Seeking an After-School Sitter Beginning 9/12, Mon, Wed, Thurs, 3-6 pm w / flexibility. Responsibilities include: Receiving 10 year-old from school van that drops at our home, Overseeing homework, Occasional driving to after school activities for 10 year-old & siblings, 17 & 14. Walking distance to MSU. Good opportunity for education students interested in working with children with learning disabilities.

Email: Pamelagoldsteen@gmail.com.

Help Wanted PART TIME RECEPTIONIST/TECHNICIAN NEEDED, CLIFTON NJ Eyes in Clifton is looking for a friendly, outgoing, quick learner to work part time in our Optometrist Office.

Evenings & Saturday hours a must. Optical sales and help will be needed also. $10 an hour. Email resume to: Info@ newjerseyeyes.com or call: (973) 777-9296.

P/T CHILDCARE, VERONA We are a warm and friendly family living in Verona and $200.00 / WK – AFTER SCHOOL BABYSITTER NEEDED, seeking childcare for our sweet 1 year old boy. We occasionMONTCLAIR ally need help with our 5 & 7 year old children as well. Hours Need an after school sitter starting Sept. 13 for our three chilare flexible but we need a consistent, regular schedule with dren ages 3-1/2 – 5. Tues – Thurs, 3-6 pm. You will drive our 3-4 hour blocks starting in January. Need occasional help in minivan to pick them up from school. Looking for someone December too. You must be comfortable engaging children very reliable. and you must be reliable and on time. Please email me your Please email: kgrayrock@gmail.com. $200 per week. availability and a little about yourself if interested.

Email: Marshahabib@gmail.com.

LOCAL WRITER SEEKS WEBSITE DESIGN HELP, WOODLAND PARK $15-20 / HR, MOTHER’S HELPER / OCCASIONAL BABYLooking for a student with website design experience to help SITTER, UPPER MONTCLAIR me update my WordPress author site. Fees negotiable. After Seeking energetic & reliable person with a flexible schedule an initial meeting most of this work can be done via email to help care for our 8 month old daughter. The position exchanges. I’m located in Woodland Park, just 5 minutes from would begin immediately and would entail watching her campus, but am willing to meet wherever is convenient. If in our home while I am there. We would need someone 2-3 interested, please email me at days a week for approx. 3-5 hours a day. There will also be sharonmccloskey1@gmail.com and include references, sample occasional overnight help needed. Start: ASAP! Experience work and resume. with infants and references required. Education Major a plus!

Email resume to: Greta.veledevilla@gmail.com.

P/T SITTER/HOMEWORK HELP FOR TEENS, AFTER SCHOOL, MONTCLAIR AFTER-SCHOOL SITTER, GLEN RIDGE Looking for a smart, reliable, fun after-school sitter for our We’re looking for an after-school sitter Monday–Friday two teens (13 & 15). We need someone Mon– Fri from around 3 – 6:30pm / Can be 4 days a week for the right candidate.

3-5:30 (hours can be a bit flexible) to drive them to & from Responsibilities include, picking up kids from school, helpvarious after-school activities / appointments. You will also ing with homework and driving them to their after-school need to help motivate the 8th grader with attention issues to activities. Must be “dog friendly”. Two kids, 8 & 6 years old. do his homework. Exp. w /algebra, and other middle school Email: ceng01@gmail.com subjects a big plus. We are 5 minutes from MSU & have a third floor living area we would exchange for childcare. We will $15 / HR, AFTER-SCHOOL & EARLY EVENING CHILD also pay hourly or some combination, if that’s your preference. CARE, MONTCLAIR References and experience required. Will exchange for room/ Monday- Thursday, 2 – 6:30 pm, Start date – ASAP… third floor of house, or hourly pay! Close to MSU. Looking for energetic, flexible and upbeat person to manage Please email me at KerriHK@yahoo.com. my house in the afternoons. Three great kids (middle school & high school) who need meals & driving to practices & other activities. Household duties include laundry and light SEEKING EXPERIENCED BARISTA & COUNTER-PERhousekeeping. Located in convenient part of Montclair.

SON, MONTCLAIR Promise – you will love the kids! If interested, please call or 2 openings for new local Montclair coffee shop. Please send an text Nancy at Email with interest & qualifications to: Localcoffeemontclair@ (973) 757-5554. gmail.com, and/or call Robert: (917) 406-0464. $15 / HR, BABYSITTER, MONTCLAIR Looking for a reliable, responsible & energetic sitter for our TEACHING FELLOWSHIP AVAILABLE, WOODROW 21 month-old son. Two afternoons per week (days flexible) WILSON NATIONAL FELLOWSHIP FOUNDATION while we are home, and potential for other occasional days & If you love science or math, help kids learn to love it too. nights. Experience with infants & toddlers a must. Immediate Apply here: Woodrow.org/STEM start. Please email your information to: Lauren1039@mac. com.

ART STUDENTS! WHO’D LIKE TO DO A PAID INTERNSHIP WITH A RENOWNED ARTIST?, MONTCLAIR AFTER-SCHOOL SITTER, LIVINGSTON Looking for a student of the Fine Arts to assist in the home We’re looking for an after-school sitter for our 2 kids (8 &11) studio & warehouse of an artist, author, playwright, filmMonday–Friday 2:30 – 6 pm starting in January. Responsimaker relocating from NYC to Montclair. Schedule is flexible, bilities include: Picking up kids from school, Helping with but looking for availability approx. 15 hours / week. Salary is homework & driving them to their after-school activities. negotiable. Duties would include photographing & cataloguSitter must have own car and clean driving record. To apply ing paintings, computer work , transcribing scripts, assisting in or for more information, studio, and in production of digital interview show. Must be Email: jnightnyc@yahoo.com. tech savvy (Mac), personable, efficient and have a passion for the arts! Start date August 1st.

WAITER / WAITRESS POSITION, VERONA Please forward resume and cover to info@modat.tv and please Zaferon Grill, a new American Bistro located in Verona, NJ use “JRP JOB” in subject line. is seeking qualified Waiters or Waitresses to join our small professional team, working with up-market clientele in a $15 / HR, P/T BABYSITTER, GLEN RIDGE friendly environment. This can be a full-time or a part-time We’re looking for a part-time babysitter for our 20-month-old position Monday-Sunday. If you have 2 years of experience, son. Ideal hours are 3 to 6 pm, Mon-Thurs. Start ASAP. Look- great work ethics, excellent communication skills, positive ing for a fun & energetic person to play with my son while I attitude and professional approach, we would love to receive run errands, etc. Must be able to provide own transportation. your resume at: Education Major a big plus. If interested, please email Ashley: snelson@zaferon.com.

Ashley.A.Owen@gmail.com. $15-$20 / HR, P/T BABYSITTER NEEDED FOR NORTH SEEKING EDUCATION STUDENT, P/T SITTER, MONT- CALDWELL FAMILY, ASAP! CLAIR Perfect job for earning extra cash before your classes even Want to pick a seasoned teacher’s brain while caring for her start for the day! Looking for a responsible, energetic & relichildren in her home? Energetic, sensible, and pretty fun sitter able babysitter for our two great boys, ages 7 & 4. Hours are needed for part time work. No driving required, but must 7:30 am – 9 am on Tuesday & Thursday mornings. Responprovide own transportation to & from the house. We are sibilities include: Helping the children get dressed, brush within walking distance of the Train. Guaranteed 10 hours a teeth, preparing breakfast & driving them to school (North week but may be more as agreed upon.

Caldwell & Caldwell). Must have experience with children.

Email: Laurenq.Griffin@gmail.com.

Please call or text Allison if interested: (917) 902-4124. $15/HR, AFTER PRESCHOOL & EARLY EVENING CHILD CARE, BLOOMFIELD Monday to Friday; 2.30 to 5.30 pm, Start Date: Immediate.

Looking for energetic, flexible and upbeat person to take care of our three-year old daughter and help out with light housekeeping. Days and time can be flexible for the right person.

Some late evenings – ending at 8.30pm – would be necessary after January. Two important requirements: 1. Must have clean driving record and own transport to pick up child from preschool in Montclair; and 2. Must enjoy being with a child, and know how to be super engaging, loving and alert with a three-year old. If interested please email Lauhona: Lauhonaganguly@gmail.com. $20 / HR TUTOR NEEDED, NORTH BERGEN Looking for a tutor, for my 13 year old daughter in 8th grade.

Wonderful personality very easy going. Proficiency in math and science preferred. Start ASAP. Hours are flexible, and travel to North Bergen on River Road may be necessary, however all is workable, including days of week or weekends.

Twice a week or three times a week, whatever works best. At least 2 hours to 3 each session.

Email: Flopezca@yahoo.com.

$15-$20 / HR RUSSIAN SPEAKING NANNY, MONTCLAIR (FLEXIBLE TERMS) We are looking for a Russian speaking nanny who can look after our two children in Montclair. Start date could be some time in January. We are somewhat flexible about times / days / etc. and could consider full day or part day (afternoons) 4 or 5 days a week, and possibly even live-in (might suit a student). Children are 7 & 1. Responsibilities would include collecting 7 y.o. from school, collecting 1 y.o. from childcare (if part-day), looking after children at home – preparing their meals, feeding them, playing with them, speaking Russian to them. Some light housework, e.g. children’s laundry, helping them clean their rooms, put toys away, etc. Optionally driving them to various things, e.g. ballet class. Would also consider a housekeeper / nanny combination to do the above plus some housework – cleaning / cooking / shopping / etc. Must have experience, references. Happy to consider student / young adult through to older applicants. Email: mark.x.nelson@gmail. com or call (469) 907-9250.

themontclarion.org

Help Wanted/ For Rent $15+ / HR, AFTER-SCHOOL BABYSITTING, SHORT HILLS Tuesday – Thursday, 2:30-5:30 pm and Friday 9:00am – 2:00pm, Start date – ASAP. Looking for energetic, flexible & upbeat person to help take care of our two adorable boys (ages 5 & 7). We will need someone who will play with the kids, help with homework as well as drive to & from school and to some after school activities (all locally). You will need your own car & have a cleaning driving record. Located in convenient part of Short Hills. Promise – you will not be sorry, they are the best! If interested, please call Quinn: (917) 414-2230.

BABYSITTER, VARIOUS HOURS, SHORT HILLS We are looking for a responsible, friendly, fun, energetic babysitter for our 6-year-old son. Responsibilities include pick-ups/drop-offs from school & activities, play dates, meal preparation, homework help. Candidates must have their own car & insurance with a clean driving record. Please be a fan of outdoor activities and games. Arts and crafts lovers are strongly encouraged to apply! Hours needed range from 3 p.m. to 6 or 7 p.m. during the week.

Email Debbie: dmccarthy@KoboProductsInc.com.

LEARN ARABIC (STANDARD & COLLOQUIAL) $19 / HR , FIRST HOUR FREE! I want to help people learn a new language to find out the beauty of different cultures around the world. Born in Egypt, I have a BA in Economics,& a Graduate study in Economic Dev. from Alexandria University, Egypt. I have been working in Sales & Marketing for Minolta & ABdick Co. in Egypt, Saudi Arabia & Dubai, and I worked with Kodak in the US for 17 years. Recently I got The (CCTAFL ) Certificate from AUC . Call / Text (862) 777-0832 or Email: Sabryrsoliman@gmail.com. $15 / HR, SPRING / SUMMER BABYSITTER NEEDED, GLEN RIDGE Seeking a reliable & responsible sitter for 2 children. Our current MSU sitter is going home for the summer so we are looking for a new sitter to start week of May 15th.

Spring hours M-F from 2:30 – 6:30 pm. Summer hours 2030 hours a week depending on summer camp schedule.

Must have clean driving record and dog friendly. Duties include: After-school pick-up, homework help, and driving to / from activities. Contact: Ceng01@gmail.com. $15 / HR, BABYSITTER NEEDED, SPRING / SUMMER, CLIFTON Reliable & responsible sitter needed for 3 children and a small dog; M-W-F from 3 -7:30pm. Must have own car.

Duties include: After-school pick-up, homework help, prepping simple meals, and driving to / from activities.

Contact: Blayneybreakers@gmail.com.

SEEKING F /T INFANT TODDLER TEACHER ASST OR 2 P/ T, MONTCLAIR Hours are as follows, F/ T 9:30 am - 6:00 pm. P / T 9:00 am - 1:00 pm & 1:00 - 6:00 p.m. Job description: Assist lead teacher w / effective planning & implementing activities (Infant toddler creative curriculum). Must be willing to take the CARI background check and all States required trainings, which includes First Aid & CPR, Health & Safety Basics 6 hour training, Child Abuse & Neglect and Child Development. To apply, or for more info Email: Neighborhoodchildcare@verizon.net or Call: (973) 744-4228 WORKOUT WHILE GETTING PAID!, CALDWELL This job is a full day position, working from 8 am to approx. 5 pm. Superior Cleaning, LLC is looking for engaged, motivated students. We are a small business with openings for house cleaners & team managers. It’s a therapeutic way to work out and we are constantly engaging and training employees. It’s a great way to earn extra cash on your free days. We don’t work nights or weekends and we will work around your school schedule.

Call: (973) 575-3309 for application info!

ROOM RENTALS & PARKING SEEKING FEMALE GRAD STUDENT, MONTCLAIR Seeking Female Graduate student to share house, 1 mile from University. Private Loft Bedroom, Lots of space, backyard, off street parking. Avail.3/1/17. Small dog, cat O.K. $700 + utilities. Contact Donna: (973) 714-5501 or dbrenner7295@gmail.com.

SAVE $$$ – ROOM RENTALS ACROSS FROM MSU Female students: Summer and / or Fall Room Rentals 2016 school year. Furnished – across from campus. Internet included. Singles or shared. Available June & Sept.

Call: (973) 778-1504.

OFF-STREET PARKING Reasonable Off-Street Parking, M-F. Only 3 mins. walk to MSU Bridge & Shuttle! Call (973) 819-0334, Sun-Sat, 5am-8pm ONLY. ROOM FOR RENT, MONTCLAIR Wonderful attic room for rent on the 3rd level of a beautiful house in Montclair. Close to downtown & 3 train stations. Great for Students! We are a 4 person family and have parking & laundry included! Rent is $920 with utilities and internet. Some furniture available if desired.

Please contact me at: Moonbearxo@gmail.com.

themontclarion.org

The Montclarion • April 1, 2017 • PAGE 11

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOLS’ DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION.

ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THROUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.

Dan Evans| The Montclarion

M

We Love You, Susan Cole, Even if You Are a Lizard-Person

ontclair State University may just be the first college in the world to have a lizard person serve as president.

After years of speculations, campus journalists can confirm that Dr. Susan Cole is a lizard person.

While Cole has been able to shrug off past reports, overwhelming evidence supports what campus journalist and student scientist have hypothesized for years. Cornered, Cole has kept low profile, besides her

upcoming mixtape, refusing further interviews and skirting questions on her identity.

Cole’s distance could be due to fear of judgement and hatred. In a time of fear, hatred is so easily thrown around and we forget to accept, so instead of hiding her true identity, Cole should stand up and proudly say, “I am a lizard-person.”

For years, Cole has fostered a campus community that cultivated support and acceptance from and for her students, staff and faculty, and now it is time

for us to support her. We urge Cole to place her faith in her students, staff and faculty, and shed her human exterior to live her life free of fear. We want her to know that we support her as much as she has supported us.

Cole should be able to walk to College Hall without concern that students, faculty or staff can see her tail lines or that she will be judged for eating a pesky fly. These attributes are unique, but they are not a reason to treat her any different than a human president. Instead, we should

embrace her true self as a part of our mission statement which boasts inclusivity on campus.

Each and every day, Cole is disproving stereotypes that have been associated with lizard people. She has shown that she is selfless through her acceptance of food pantries and her attempts to raise morale through her approval of the Red Hawk statue.

She has gone above and beyond to prove that she is not a monster. She is our president and she has shown her love for

us in many ways.

Cole may be a lizard person, but she has concerns like us.

She thinks of others, and tries to feel what they feel to anticipate their needs like we do for the people we love. She is no different than the rest of us in this respect, so if her only difference is that she has scales, killer instincts and quick reflexes, we should not treat her less than she has treated us.

Show Your Support for Dr. Cole at

themontclarion.org Thumbs Up

Thumbs Down

Easy to find parking

Red Hawk statue flies away

Construction makes it easier to navigate campus Montclair State University announces it will no longer collect tuition

April Fools’ Day Comic Sans (but really.)

themontclarion.org

PAGE 12 • April 1, 2017 • The Montclarion

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOLS’ DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION.

ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THROUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.

Schwarzenegger Wiretapped Trump Tower: The Star’s Biggest Success in Years Why the ‘Apprentice’ Host Did It, and Why it is Important

A

fter weeks of incessant wiretapping claims, a new special Chantel Diaz report from Columnist the White House is in. Host of “The New Celebrity Apprentice,” Arnold Schwarzenegger, had allegedly been the one who wiretapped Trump Tower.

The specific reason, as a spokesperson for Schwarzenegger outlined in a statement, was “due to an effort to prepare himself for ‘The Apprentice,’ damage Trump’s reputation, and find ways to take down his presidency.”

The “Terminator” star stated in a video, “I had tremendous foresight into the future of our country, and I knew I had to take action against Trump,

whatever would be the political climate.”

But why and how did he do it?

When Schwarzenegger first announced he would be the new host of the “The New Celebrity Apprentice,” most wondered what would be the outcome. Ratings were low, which became a catalyst for former apprentice host and current president to attack on Twitter.

These attacks led the CIA to find that Schwarzenegger was able to wiretap Trump Tower through tips from Director James Cameron of “The Terminator.” He most likely learned more about artificial intelligence and other ways to terminate anyone using technology.

Schwarzenegger became angry when he saw Trump go against his green initiatives in California, and made a vow to retaliate once discovering

Trump’s plans to win and execute authority. He heard all of this through Trump Tower, and likely worked out his master plan. These tactics helped get him on “The Apprentice,” sabotage the show, and then mock Trump on Twitter for policies Schwarzenegger was against.

No one knows what will be the real impact after, but Schwarzenegger may have very well been trying to get in office himself. Either way, his actions have made Trump look like a crazy person as the president had been pointing the finger at former President Obama for weeks.

While Obama may have been part of the operation, he was clearly not the mastermind of it. Yet, the mystery still lingers, but we should not be surprised if more apprentice stars will do the same.

While Schwarzenegger

should have chosen not to wiretap Trump, the move shows the growing divide between Trump and the stars and politicians that are closest to him. It makes sense as to why Trump’s paranoia continues to increase regarding the “dishonest” press.

Unfortunately, the false accusation that former President Obama was responsible had severe consequences. It further divided the country with Fox News conspiracy, and wasted taxpayer dollars to investigate the allegations. Schwarzenegger should have not only avoided the scheme altogether, but also admitted he was responsible immediately when Trump’s first tweet released.

In addition, “The Terminator’s” tactics may have jeopardized National Security, since classified information may have infiltrated Trump Tower, if not

granted by Foreign Intelligence Surveillance requests. Schwarzenegger could have exposed Trump of wrongdoing, but if nothing was found, then the wiretapping would be considered a criminal offense in the eyes of the Intelligence Committee.

The investigation of Cameron, who may have also taken part in the scandal, will entail more scrutiny on Hollywood movies featuring similar stories and usage of technology on set.

Schwarzenegger’s wiretapping of Trump Tower, while maybe well-intended, was a careless act. The star should have taken more responsibility in handling his frustrations with Trump.

Chantel Diaz, a business administration major, is in her second year as a columnist for The Montclarion.

Tacos To End Hate

New Food Program Hopes to Stop the Spread of Hate at Montclair State

T

o curb hatred and hunger on campus, Montclair ofVaniele Casimir State ficials anAsst. Opinion nounced Editor that every Wednesday between 1 and 2 p.m., student will be able to get free tacos. The movement is called “Food Trumps Hate” and hopes to demonstrate the power of food to overcome the differences and boundaries constructed by a society, which

have been bolstered by Donald Trump’s presidency.

“Food Trumps Hate” volunteers will be stationed at different parts of campus where students can choose from a variety of tacos starting in fall 2017.

Bringing this movement to campus will only have positive consequences. Students, staff and faulty will be completely unable to spread hate when they are too busy shoveling tacos into their pie holes. Montclair State has demonstrated that they are open to the idea of inclusion and they are prepared to follow through on their mis-

sion statement.

Officials have organized food pantries, there are commuter appreciation weeks, and more, however, “Food Trumps Hate” will be the first thing they approve that attempts to pull students of opposing values and mindsets together through the power of tacos. The mission then becomes more than just trumping hate, but a mission of reminding students that Montclair State is a diverse campus, but all of us are here together for the same reason: the almighty love of tacos.

The main job of “Food Trumps

Hate” is to provide students with enough food so that they become too full to insult each other. The idea is clever because there are very few college students who will say no to free food. Student who do not have meal plans will have another way to get food while on campus.

The thing that makes it different is that the students in the line will be from different political parties, which demonstrates the unifying potential between the students. In doing so, students will understand that tacos are more important

than our political differences.

Montclair State is creating a generation of graduates who understand that no two people have the same values or tacos orders. They will learn to treat everyone with respect and kindness because that is what “Food Trumps Hate” is all about — and food appreciation.

Vaniele Casimir, and English major, is in her first year as Assistant Opinion Editor for The Montclarion.

OPINION

WANT TO BE AN OPINION WRITER? Bring your thoughts to life and write about what you’re passionate about.

Contact MontclarionOpinion@gmail.com for more information.

Concerning Editorials and Columns

Main editorials appear on the first page of the Opinion section. They are unsigned articles that represent the opinion of the editorial board on a particular issue.

Columns are written by individuals and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Montclarion staff.

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The Montclarion • April 1, 2017 • PAGE 13

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Room 113 Student Center Annex 973.655.5230 Montclarionchief@gmail.com MontEditor@gmail.com

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PAGE 14 • April 1, 2017 • The Montclarion

themontclarion.org

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOLS’ DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION.

ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.

Susan Cole performing “Back to Barchi” at a private listening party on Wednesday, March 29.

Gabe Wanissian | The Montclarion

Susan Cole Releases Diss Track, Slams Rutgers

Tess Reynolds Entertainment Editor

This week, Susan Cole released her first diss track under the name “S. Cole,” attacking Montclair State’s prime collegiate competitor, Rutgers University. The song debuted on Montclair State’s website early Monday morning and was performed live by Susan Cole herself later that day in the Student Center Quad on campus.

Even though “Back to Barchi” is S. Cole’s first public stab at the rap game, her rhymes and quick jabs prove she has been honing her craft for some time now.

“I’ve actually been writing sick verses for a while now,”

said S. Cole in an exclusive interview with The Montclarion.

“I saw many students attempting to break into the world of rap and figured I could do it too.”

The most notable aspect of Cole’s track is the lyrics, particularly how clever they are.

Even the title is a jab, calling out not only Rutgers’ president, but also referencing an equally iconic diss track of our time, Drake’s “Back to Back.”

“I definitely feel a lot of influence from rappers like Drake,” explained S. Cole. “When I first heard him rip Meek apart in his freestyle, I couldn’t believe my ears. I decided this would be the best way to come after my own personal Meek Mill, Rut-

gers.”

“I’ve been trying to one-up Rutgers for years and they always beat me in some way.

Like last year, when Barack Obama was their commencement speaker. A diss track was the only way I could get the attention for Montclair State I needed.”

Surprisingly, students gave an overwhelmingly positive response to the track. Many students have been sporting S. Cole t-shirts around campus.

The song, which became available to download on iTunes on Monday night, is soaring to the top of the charts, currently resting at number one on the rap and hip hop charts and number 16 on the overall charts.

“I never knew Susan Cole could rap,” said Matthew Harris, a sophomore business major. “But her track is so lit, my laptop literally caught fire when I first played it. I can’t imagine that anyone would ever go to Rutgers again after this.”

Students flocked to Montclair State from colleges around New Jersey to watch S. Cole’s performance in the quad after the track was dropped. “Well, since the song is about my school, I wanted to check it out,” said a Rutgers student who did not want to give his name. “I don’t think I’m going to transfer, but I did consider it.”

“I think people forget we are even a college in New Jersey,” said Jamie Adams, a student

from Ramapo College. “I just wanted to be part of the fun so I came.”

It is too soon to say whether the song influences more potential students to attend Montclair State over Rutgers, but the popularity of the track has greatly boosted S Cole’s rap career. Cole has already received offers from many popular rappers to be featured on their tracks.

As for the identity of the rappers, “I can’t say who wants me to freestyle on their records,” laughed Cole. “But I can say that this might be my last few years as president of Montclair State as I prepare for vice presidency of the United States.

Kanye 2020,” she added.

Student Artist Profile:

Jason Biggs Jason Biggs is most famous for starring in the “American Pie” film series.

He dropped out of Montclair State in the 80s after only three weeks. He is now back as a justice studies major with a concentration in paralegal studies. The Montclarion sat down with him for an interview.

Q: Why did you decide to come back to Montclair State?

A: I decided to come back because I realized that it was a mistake to drop out of Montclair State in the 80s. I was reading in various newspapers that the university is bringing in new facilities that allow students to reach their full potential and I want to take advantage of that.

Q: Why Justice Studies?

A: I am currently preparing for a role, and for that I need to know a lot about how our legal system works, and I thought the best way to do that is to take a few justice studies classes. Maybe I’ll even finish a major this time, who knows?!

Jason Biggs is a freshman justice studies major with a concentration in paralegal studies.

Photo courtesy of Flickr (Ruff Ruff and Meow)

Q: When and why did you decide to pursue acting as a career?

Q: How has Montclair State University fostered you as an artist?

A: Nothing else felt right. I had contacts from my acting gigs from when I was younger and I just kept getting parts, so that’s how I made it my profession.

A: It wasn’t all here in the 80s, but I now hope to learn a lot about our legal system in the next few semesters. I hope I won’t be disappointed.

Q: What experiences have you had acting?

Q: Who are your biggest supporters?

A: I am most famous for playing Jim Levenstein in the “American Pie” series, but I have also acted in “Orange is the New Black” and provided the voice of Leonardo in Nickelodeon’s “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” among other gigs.

A: My wife Jenna Mollen and our son Sid. They are my biggest supporters as well as my mom and dad who still live in my childhood home in Pompton Plains, New Jersey.

Q: What have you learned through acting?

A: I am currently working on a literary project. It is a memoir in which I talk about my experiences growing up in New Jersey. You should check it out at www.JerseyBoyJasonBiggs. com.

A: I have learned that everybody has a story to tell.

Q: What is your latest project?

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The Montclarion • April 1, 2017 • PAGE 15

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Please apply online by Monday, April 3, 2017: http://www.montclair.edu/chss/english/scholars hips-awards/ Discounts on Tuition & Housing

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PAGE 16 • April 1, 2017 • The Montclarion

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOLS’ DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION.

ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.

Mama Monster Celebrates Birthday with Red Hawk Inspired Wardrobe Babee Garcia Assistant Entertainment Editor

On her 31st birthday, Lady Gaga made a bold fashion statement by wearing a feathered hat inspired by Montclair State’s beloved mascot Rocky.

Paparazzi photographed Gaga at the Fox Theater in Los Angeles, California at approximately 8:30 p.m. on Tuesday.

When asked about the wardrobe choice, Gaga stated, “I wanted to express myself this way to show my support for Montclair State University.

I am doing it for all my little Monsters there, especially the ones who thrive in the Arts. Put those claws up cause we were born this way. “ Lady Gaga, born Stephanie Joanne Angelina Germanotta, has displayed her creativity in music and fashion within the last decade. Her 2010 Video Music Awards meat dress was every butcher’s fantasy and her 2011 Grammy entrance in an egg was a tough outfit to “crack.”

The Montclarion staff informed Rocky the Red Hawk about Gaga’s odd collection of clothes. He was not impressed and rather insulted at the situation. Then, he flew away with disgust.

“She is definitely one of the weirdest people in Hollywood,” Montclair State senior Ben Dover responded to Gaga’s bizarre fashion sense. “I always wondered how the hell she

walks with those high heels. If I wore those, I would trip over everything, even a puddle.”

Fashion designer Donatella Versace worked on the feathered hat piece for three months.

Versace told reporters that no Red Hawks were harmed in the making. She also made a purse out of tin foil and paper clips for the Grammy and Oscar winning artist.

“Oh my god! Gaga looks absolutely gorgeous. I love her so much,” junior and President Foxy Roxy of the Born This Way Fan Club on campus said.

This “Edge of Glory” superstar continues to raise the bar in her craft as an artist.

Gaga leaves her fans “Speechless,” “Starstruck” and encourages them to be as free as their “Hair.” She gives us a “Million Reasons” to love her, including ex-fiance Taylor McKinney.

What’s next for this fierce female? The world may never know, but in Gaga we trust.

Lady Gaga can do it all—from performing in an outfit made out of bubbles to starring in the fifth season of “American Horror Story.” She could make a burlap sack look radiant on a catwalk if she decided to wear one.

In the end, it was all a “Perfect Illusion.”

Lady Gaga performing in one of her other extravagant outfits.

Photo Courtesy of wikipedia.org

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The Montclarion • April 1, 2017 • PAGE 17

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Sports

PAGE 18 • April 1, 2017• The Montclarion

This Week In Red Hawk Sports THU 3/30 Softball vs. Team USA 3 p.m. and 4:30 p.m.

DOUBLE HEADER

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DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOLS’ DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.

‘eSports’ to be Renamed ‘eSkills Competitions’ Thomas Formoso Managing Editor

Baseball vs. Toronto Blue Jays 2 a.m.

Monumental ground was broken when the Society of Sports ruled that “eSports”— commonly referred to as video game sports — were officially renamed “eSkills competitions.” One member, DR, who requested anonymity, expressed complete disagreement with the title eSports.

“All you do is sit in front of a screen,” DR said. “How can anyone in their right mind classify that as a sport?”

Despite the most recent ruling, gamers around the world are pushing back. Newlycrowned North American FIFA Champion, TF, who also asked for anonymity, believes eSports should not be disrespected, but accepted.

“Competitive gaming isn’t a leisurely activity,” TF said.

“There is a high amount of stress, coordination, reaction time and communication required in most competitive eSports.”

Professional eSports teams

FRI 3/31 Women’s and Men’s Outdoor Track at 2017 Olympic Games TBA

SAT 4/1 Men’s Outdoor Track at 2017 Olympic Games Men’s Lacrosse at Boston Cannons Noon Softball at Donald Trump and Friends 12 p.m. and 2:30 p.m.

DOUBLE HEADER at White House Lawn

Real athletes rejoice everywhere, while gamers are disappointed by decision.

such as Faze and Optic Gaming are planning on fighting the most recent court ruling. Many others around the world who are frequent competitive gamers in games such as “FIFA,” “Call of Duty,” “Rainbow Six Siege” and “World of Warcraft” are looking to organize a fight of the most recent decision.

“It doesn’t really matter who

organizes and how much resistance there is,” DR said. “The court has reached a decision and that’s all there is to it. I’ve played countless real sports, like softball and soccerr, and this simply isn’t a real sport. It’s nothing more than a skills competition.”

DR doesn’t want to stop there, however. According to DR, fake

Maxime FORT | The Montclarion

sports have been alive for too long and it’s time to take them down.

“Chess is the next bad example of ‘sports’ that require very little effort, but are considered sports,” DR said. “Don’t even get me started on NASCAR.” The opposing groups plan to meet during the summer, as both sides look to gain momentum for their cause.

Pool Party at Floyd Hall

Ice Rink to be Turned into Swimming Pool during the Summer

Women’s Lacrosse vs.

Martha Stewart 2 p.m.

Baseball at. New York Yankees at George Steinbrenner Field

SUN 4/2 No Games

MON 4/3 No Games

TUE 4/4 Softball vs. New York Mets 3 p.m. and 4:30 p.m.

DOUBLE HEADER

Floyd Hall will be transformed into a swimming pool for use this summer.

Anthony Gabianelli Assistant Sports Editor

WED 4/5 Baseball vs. Montreal Expos 3:30 p.m.

Men’s Lacrosse at Cleveland Browns 7 p.m.

Floyd Hall plans on turning its hockey rink into a swimming pool during the summer.

The announcement came during a press conference with the vice president of Arena Operations Kevin McCormack saying that he has noticed a large drop in attendance during the summer months.

“I know people would rather be out in the sun,” said McCormack. “But you can swim inside and outside; there’s no excuse for that.”

While there are professional hockey arenas, like the Pru-

dential Center and Madison Square Garden, that have their hockey rinks with the ability to be switched out easily for something like a basketball court, Floyd Hall’s rink can’t be switched out. The vice president had a couple alternative ideas.

“At first, we were like, ‘Why not put an inflatable pool in the middle of the rink?’ But we thought people’s feet would get too cold walking to it on the ice,” McCormack said. “Then we wanted to put the inflatable pool closer to the entrance to the rink, but we realized that we could melt the ice and make the entire rink a swimming

Photo Courtesy of Angie Linder via Flickr

pool.”

McCormack said that if they were to melt the ice, they could hopefully get a good two feet out of it. “I think that’s deep enough,” he said.

Along with the ice rink to swimming pool changes, McCormack also said that they will be selling pool accessories at the store inside Floyd Hall.

“All the hockey equipment will be replaced with pool noodles and floaties,” McCormack said. “Since there won’t be any ice to play hockey or skate, we can have water wars with Super Soakers.”

McCormack also said that if this idea is successful, they

might keep the rink as a permanent swimming pool.

“I mean, where else can you find an Olympic-sized pool anywhere around here anyway?” said McCormack.

Both Montclair State’s men’s and women’s hockey teams play at Floyd Hall and are preparing to still play regardless of the state of the rink.

“If we have to play in the water I guess we’ll have to play that way,” said the head coach of the men’s hockey team. “It’ll be a first-time experience for pretty much all of us, but we’ll definitely learn something out of it.”

Red Hawk Recap

Red Hawks Baseball: -5 Bad News Bears: 2

Red Hawks Men’s Lacrosse: 7 Susan Cole and Friends: 1

Red Hawks Softball: 2 Rockford Peaches: 1

Red Hawks Woman’s Lacrosse: 3 Red Hawks Women Field Hockey: 2

SP

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The Montclarion • April 1, 2017 • PAGE 19

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DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOLS’ DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION.

ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.

Ostrich Racing Added to NCAA Sports, Coming to Montclair State This Fall

Photo coutesy of Darrell Miller via Flickr

Tryouts for the ostrich racing team will be held in August.

Josue Dajes Sports Editor

Do you like racing? Well a new form of racing has arrived to NCAA Sports and Montclair State University. It may be weird, it may be fun, but no longer will it be ostracized. Ostrich racing will be speeding its way to the track at the campus of Montclair State University this upcoming fall semester.

The ostriches will be brought in from Roaming Acres Farm, a 100-plus acre farm in Lafayette Township, in which ostriches are raised. Athletes will ride the ostriches like horses or cam-

els. Races will include 100- and 200-meter dashes.

“We look forward to having ostrich racing in our school. It’s a new and exciting sports that I think will be very fun to watch,” Mike Scala, the sports information director, said.

Students will be allowed to try out for the team in August right before the fall semester begins.

Montclair State will be placed in the New Jersey Athletic Conference (NJAC) for ostrich racing.

There will be six ostriches racing in each race. All ostriches will be available to participate in both 100- and 200-meter dashes.

“I think it’s going to be amaz-

ing covering ostrich racing,” WMSC Radio sports director, Sean McChesney, said. “Our broadcasts will be so fun. Seeing animals run will make for great commentary.”

MontclairAthletics.com will stream a live video feed of the ostrich races along with the WMSC Radio audio commentary for those who cannot attend the races, but still wish to see the running ostriches.

It’s rumored William Paterson University will push hard to win the ostrich racing NJAC Championship. Montclair State will need to become a committed program to be one of the top

teams in the NJAC. The athletic department has hired former NBA player Chris Bosh as the first ever Montclair State ostrich racing head coach.

It’s believed he was hired because he looks like an ostrich, but Scala insists that is not the case.

“Chris is very knowledgeable in many things,” Scala said.

“When he explained to me his love and passion for ostrich racing, I knew he was the one. To me he looks like a winner, not an ostrich.”

Bosh is determined to lead the team to glory and has high hopes for the team.

“I want to make this the best sports program on campus,” Bosh said. “I want to make this a team that students, alumni and anyone associated with Montclair State can be proud of. We will compete hard and look to win the NJAC Championship in the first season. I am not scared of William Paterson.”

The first home race will be Sept. 7 at 3 p.m. in the Montclair State track. Attendees are not allowed to touch the ostriches or feed them food, especially candy. Pictures with flashes in front of an ostrich are also prohibited.

Baseball Team Names Derek Jeter New Assistant Coach

Derek Jeter will be taking over as assistant coach of the baseball team.

Emma Cimo Sports Editor

Yogi Berra won’t be the only legendary Yankee with a presence here at Montclair State.

Future Hall-of-Famer and dadto-be Derek Jeter accepted an assistant coaching gig with the baseball team, as announced on Tuesday by Head Coach Jared Holowaty.

not by the end of this season, then in the upcoming seasons.

Jeter is hoping to not only scout out the competition, but to scout out potential schools for his little girl a couple of decades down the road.

Looking to pay homage to his friend Yogi Berra, Jeter is happy to bring his knowledge over to the university on Normal Ave., and maybe even mold a protege while he’s at it.

There is no need to state the obvious, but the players are more than excited about their new assistant coach. Learning from someone as successful and skilled as the Captain is an opportunity most students could only dream of. The student-athletes are getting guidance from

one of the most respected men in their game and in all of sports.

The folks at Yogi Berra Stadium, along with the Montclair State community are just as excited as the players, if not more.

The thought of having Jeter coaching the Red Hawks isn’t only the ultimate bullet point to entice potential students, but it will definitely fill up the empty seats at home games.

Jeter is excited to begin his new position while the team is excited to hopefully get a second wind this season. You can catch the new assistant coach at the Red Hawks’ next home game on Tuesday, April 4 against The University of Scranton 4 p.m.

Jeter will now regularly be seen on the bench at Yogi Berra Stadium

Photo Courtesy of MSU Athletics

Photo Courtesy of Keith Allison via Flickr

It seemed like a perfect match for the pair. The team, struggling with a 5-10 record, could use some help from the 20-year veteran, while the university seemed ideal for Jeter. Besides the obvious sentiment of coaching at Yogi Berra Stadium, the close proximity to Yankee Stadium was definitely an added bonus.

Jeter has been living a low-key life since his retirement from the

game after the 2014 season, marrying his wife Hannah Jeter in July, who is now expecting their first daughter. The thought of coaching a professional team may not have surfaced quite yet but a college team seems like the next best thing.

It is clear that the Red Hawks are not having their best season. Holowaty and the former shortstop are hoping to work together to turn that around, if