AprilFools2012

Campus allows fancy smoking Page A2

Freese returns to Meramec Look down

SGC reignites look Page A3

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E GAT N O M E H T

FREESE RETURNS

MLB MVP re-enrolls at Meramec, joins baseball team

PHOTO BY: DAVE HERHOLZ Major League Baseball Most Valuable Player David Freese shows up his 5 o’clock shadow. Freese decided to come back to Meramec after he discovered the “magic” of sculpting baseballs out of different colorful fabrics.

KIMMY KAMILIA STAFF WRITER Citizens of St. Louis are familiar with the name David Freese, as third baseman for the World Series Champions, the St. Louis Cardinals. STLCC-Meramec students know him as a former alumni who attended the college for two years before transferring to Southern Alabama. Freese made the surprising announcement that he is returning to Meramec during some time off from the Cardinals.

“I’ve missed Meramec, it’s where I got my start and it’s always felt like home,” Freese said. “I’m excited to come back to my roots.”

Freese’s return may come as a surprise, but Freese said that he has been planning this for a while now, ever since he joined the Cardinals.

“After I left [Meramec] it was never

the same,” Freese said. “And once I joined the Cardinals, I felt lost and needed to come back to the place where it all started.”

Freese said that he is going to take what he has learned from his time with the Cardinals to rejoin the Archers and become a mentor for the next generation of baseball players.

“I was ecstatic when [Freese] called me to tell me he was planning on coming back,” Tony Dattoli, Archer baseball head coach, said. “All of our players are really excited too. We’ve had to keep this a secret for a while and I’m happy we’re finally announcing it.”

With Freese coming back and starting at third, Caliente Esquina starting Archer third baseman, said that having to give up his starting position to Freese was

tough, but he understood that having an all-star player on the team would bring home a victory.

“It’s bittersweet having [Freese] back here at Meramec,” Esquina said. “I mean, he took my starting position and the coach’s attention away from me, but I understand it is for the good of the team.”

Freese is planning on making his way back to Meramec before the spring semester ends. He has gotten permission from President George Wasson to take late start classes to get some of his core classes out of the way.

“I’ve missed being a student and I’ve missed a lot of my teachers,” Freese said.

“And being able to come back with what I know now will make this time so much better.”

In his spare time, Freese makes intricate sculptures out of baseballs, carving through the fabric to create scenes of Busch Stadium and the games that have been played there.

“It’s a hobby I picked up after we won the World Series last year. I had a lot of time off and one day I was just inspired to make something unique,” Freese said.

“I realized how much fun sculpting is and I wanted to learn more about the craft.”

With his skill in sculpture and an eye for art, Freese said that he plans to take this time at Meramec to take some art classes.

“I’ve always had a passion for the arts, just never time to take it to the next level,” Freese said. “Now that I have some time off from baseball, I can really enjoy myself.”

Story continued on page A4 @themontage

Volume 8008 Issue 1337

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April 1, 2012

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2ASWEN APRIL FOOLS

Mustache elected chair of Hairymec

Wasson’s stache takes hair movement campuswide DIRT OVERREATER THRASHER IN CHIEF STLCC-Meramec President George Wasson’s Mustache has left the comfort of the area between the president’s upper lip and nostrils to make a difference.

The mustachio is now the chair of Meramec’s newest committee, Hairymec: For the Betterment of The College. The group aims to join alongside Meramec’s other improvement committees to make Meramec the finest institution of higher education possible.

“I’ve noticed it’s hard for these poor college students to look distinguished, so I’ve taken it under my authority that these disgusting slobs slap a ‘stache on,” Wasson’s Mustache said.

Wasson’s Mustache said he and a couple other “fine ‘staches” hatched the idea for the committee after a Great Mustache and Beard Leaders of St. Louis meeting.

“I thought it was a fantastic, diabolic plan,” said committee member Campus Life Manager Steve Brady’s Beard.

“With this committee of accomplished mustaches, goatees and other facial hair, we will have the ultimate platform to spread our far-reaching strands of hair across campus and – eventually, hopefully – to other hairless campuses.”

Wasson’s Mustache said the committee’s goals include requiring students to wear a mustache to every class through the rest of the semester. Those who cannot grow facial hair must invest in a party favor mustache, drink lots of milk or un-enroll in classes.

While the rule is not final, Wasson said he will probably approve the measure.

“I thought it was bizarre,” Wasson said. “But my mustache has been my loyal companion since the late 70s and he’s never let me down so far.“ The committee’s plans do not include faculty and staff at this time, but they are encouraged to inform students of the new rule whenever possible. Those who do not comply will be evaluated before a board of mustaches.

“Our art students shouldn’t have much of a problem not shaving,” Wasson’s Mustache said. “Humanities’ scenery won’t see much change.”

One student, Lindsey Collough, said she likes the idea. She said it will make her morning routine less hectic.

Shaving my upper lip is such a waste of time,” Collough said. “Plus, guys with mustaches are so hot. If only they would restrict us students from shaving our legs.”

Wasson’s Mustache said the committee hopes to work with the chemistry department to develop a serum that will inhibit faster, thicker hair growth.

“Meramec’s pubescent youth will be impervious to the effects of our creation,” said Dean of Science and Technology Andrew Lengrehr’s Goatee said.

“Muahahahahahahahah.”

According to the Facial Hair Institute of America, the best way to promote facial hair growth is to massage the areas with a mixture of Miracle Grow, honey and glass.

PHOTO BY: KLASSY GLUECK STLCC-Meramec President George Wasson’s mustache in a Hairymec board meeting. The mustache recently was appointed leader of Hairymec: For the Betterment of The College in an effort to make hair sexy again.

He said although spring has arrived and the prime months to sport a mustache have gone and past, Meramec can improve upon its class and sophistication by abstaining from

shaving.

“The benefits of facial hair are insurmountable,” Wasson’s Mustache said. “Soon the face of Meramec will be as hairy as Chewbacca’s ass.”

Meramec brings back the class

Campus allows smoking through “fancy” tobacco pipes JESSIE HASSLEHOFF CAMPUS JANITOR Students smokers will rejoice when they find out that STLCC is lifting the smoking ban, with a catch.

Students and staff wishing to enjoy tobacco on campus will be required to do so while smoking out of a fancy tobacco pipe made of rich mahogany or any other fancy types of wood.

These new requirements are part of a larger movement across the country to make smoking on college campuses “classy” and “suave.”

Meramec student Chafin Gass said that he believes the new movement to make smoking classy is a blessing.

“Honestly, I don’t care for smoking, but this entire fancy pipe thing has got me interested in taking a puffy puff off of a designer pipe,” Gass said. “I’m headed to the mall to pick up some Louis Vuitton pipes to sport around campus.”

Gass said that he plans to “pick up all sorts of chicks” with his new look.

“I’m on the prowl, for serious,” Gass said.

Marley Boro, spokeswoman for Let’s Make Smoking Fancy (LMSF) said the group wants to make smoking a fashionable activity again.

“Smoking used to be the bomb, we plan on dressing smoking up like a Don Draper type,” Boro said. “No one can resist Don Draper’s charm and wit, so why should they be able to to resist smoking

tobacco?”

LMSF was founded in 2009, and its radical new approach to on-campus smoking has been embraced by colleges and universities all over the United States.

The new rules have already been put into place at STLCC-Florissant Valley and STLCC-Forest Park and have been welcomed with open arms. The rule will be coming to at Meramec by April 29th.

“It’s just nice to not see grungy students decked out in black death metal T-shirts shrouded in a cloud of noxious fumes,” said Mary Merkowski, adjunct professor at STLCC-Forest Park. “They look presentable now.”

Students caught smoking without a jacket and pipe will offered a selection of fancy pipes that can be rented out from the student center at the new “Tobacco N’ Stuff ” shop located next to the cafeteria.

Gass expressed his frustrations at the selection in the new store.

“I just can’t find anything that jumps out at me, nothing is cheetah print or neon yellow.,” Gass said as he peered through the glass encasement holding the pipes. “I just want something that is going to make everybody say, ‘Wow man, that guy is the coolest, most classiest dude of all time, and I wish I could be him.”

Students will also be allowed to wear smoking jackets while smoking on campus, but are not required to do so.

PHOTO BY: ZIGGY STARDUST STLCC-Meramec student Kevin Missouri takes a puff off of his “fancy” tobacco pipe. Meramec recently lifted the smoking ban to allow students to smoke with only “fancy” tobacco pipes.

EFIL&TRA 3A APRIL FOOLS

Bring back the black Punk rock movement comes to Meramec SQUEEGIE BECKENHEIM STAFF SCRIBE Spectators at the March 6th Student Governance Council (SGC) were surprised

by President Mark Wilson’s announcement that punk rock would become the school’s official music, playing throughout school hallways and at campus events.

Those who have encountered Wilson have seen that he has “punk” tattooed on his right arm, and “rock” tattooed on his left arm. This movement to change the campus’ style was inspired by Wilson’s tattoos, which he got when he was 18.

“Yeah I was young, I stopped listening to punk rock after I got my tattoos,” Wilson, 27, said. “But I just started up again and was inspired to change things around here.”

SGC Secretary Tori Lamborn, is surprisingly supportive of Wilson’s decision to bring punk rock back.

“It’s not really my type of music, but I’m learning to really like it,” Lamborn who recently added purple streaks to her ginger hair, said. “I’m supportive of [Wilson] in whatever changes he wants to make before we leave Meramec.”

SGC Adviser Steve Brady is not as supportive of Wilson’s decision to bring a large punk scene back to Meramec.

“We finally got rid of those kids and their Mohawks, now we’re expected to play this music throughout the campus,” Brady said, rolling his eyes. “All because one student got tattooed almost a decade ago.”

Wilson said he is not letting his adviser’s opinion get him down.

“Mr. Brady might not like it, but I figured I’d leave Meramec with something students can appreciate–most of them anyway,” Wilson said, kicking a hacky sack around with his feet. “Kids of the punk rock scene are forgotten or pushed to the side, I want them to have a place that they feel comfortable being themselves. Why can’t that be Meramec?”

With Wilson and Lamborn graduating from Meramec in May, they both said that

PHOTO BY: ZIGGY SMALLS Davis McNalty, a supporter of the punk rock movement, brings his skateboard to Meramec to thrash while listening to “The Ramones”. The Punk Rock movement began with Mark Wilson, an avid punk rock fan.

leaving something unique behind would make their time in the SGC worth it.

“I just want people to know that we

were here. We’ve done so much already, but not many people notice it,” Lamborn said. “This will kind of be in their face, but

it might make them think that Meramec is really cool.”

Wilson, who was elected as SGC president last spring, said he hopes future students appreciate this change.

“People might not like it, but they’ll have to get over it. I’ve been dedicated to doing everything I can to make the student experience better, and this is something that I’m doing for myself,” Wilson said. “It may seem selfish, but I swear I took my fellow students into consideration when making this decision.”

Brady said he is most upset about how the idea even came up.

“These kids joke around all the time, it’s sometimes hard to get a serious thought out of [Wilson] when his friends are around,” Brady said, shaking his head. “But this idea came from a passing thought on our way back from the MCCA [Missouri Community College Association] convention a few weeks ago. I didn’t think they would actually do anything about this; it’s ridiculous.”

Wilson said he understands Brady’s frustration, but is still moving forward with the project.

“Mr. Brady teaches us to be ourselves, but still azct professional. Well, my tattoos are part of me, they will be part of my professional life, and I want to make this part of what I did for the SGC,” Wilson said.

Like many of today’s colleges, STLCCMeramec has a large hipster crowd. Scarves, coffee cups from Kaldi’s and plaid shirts run amok on the campus; Wilson said this was his reason for changing things up.

“With hipsters running around everywhere, it kind of changes the fact that they’re hipsters,” Wilson said. “They’re mainstream now, which means that the punk rock kids are more underground.”

Eventually we’ll see more Mohawks than TOMS shoes, and I can’t wait for that.”

Offended by “America Kicks Ass” Dear Montage, as a student of Meramec and a citizen of the great country of the United States, I am personally appalled by one Kavahn Mansouri’s bi-weekly column “America Kicks Ass.” In said column this raving lunatic of a writer you have found, from the depths of a dark, dark and evil place I can only imagine, rants on about how patriotic everything ever is, wearing “American flag pants” and, in some cases, fighting for blood sport. His column reminds me of the incoherent rants of a psychotic zombie version of Hunter S. Thompson.

Now I am not unreasonable, I understand that everyone takes being patriotic in their own direction and that in this case, one individual went the wrong direction, but that is no excuse to put his incoherent ramblings onto print. Shame on you, Montage, for feeding this maniac’s addiction to patriotism. Kavahn Mansouri is the type of man who runs down the freeway in nothing but his underwear waving an American flag in the sky. He is dangerous.

I attempted to file a formal complaint with the writer himself, but when his phone

went to voicemail the message bluntly told me to “Leave me alone, I’m patrioticizing.”

I attempted several times to call back, receiving a different voicemail message each time, which told me nothing but that he, in fact, has enough time to change his voicemail every day, but not enough time to return a reader’s phone call.

My solution for The Montage is to find a more sensible, reasonable and sane writer to fill the column position. Said writer could cover topics like politics, music or even America as long as he or she is in the right

mind to do so. I am sure that The Montage will be able to find such a writer at our fine campus, seeing as it does provide a great crop of writers, but this man, this Kavahn Mansouri, needs to be taken to a psychiatric ward, locked away and silenced. He is a menace, a terribly insane man that gives America a bad name by raving about things that basically have nothing to do with America, at all, whatsoever.

-Kevin Missouri A concerned citizen

4ASTROPS

APRIL FOOLS

Freese Continued from page A1

With Freese soon to join his class, sculpture teacher Joe Chesla said that having Freese in the class will really push his other students to create more advanced works of art.

“Having [Freese] come back to Meramec is a surprise in and of itself,” Chesla said. “When I saw that he had requested my class and the works of art he did with those baseballs, I knew he would be one of my top students.”

In between mentoring Meramec’s baseball players and crafting works of art in sculpture class, Freese plans to get involved on campus by joining the bridge club.

“I remember going here on Wednesday nights and passing by the Student Center seeing a bunch of people sitting around playing cards,” Freese said. “At the time, I was a young college student and didn’t care much for bridge. Now that I have a World Series ring I figure I might as well try to win at another game.”

Some people did not welcome the news of Freese joining the bridge club happily and said that his ego would get in the way of the game.

“These young kids today just don’t appreciate the humility and patience that goes into a game like this,” Herbert Wellinger, an avid bridge player whose been playing at Meramec for 30 years, said. “Just because he can hit a ball doesn’t mean he would even begin to know the difference between the dealer, the declarer, the defender and the dummy.”

Freese said that overall he just cannot wait to get back into the college experience.

“Study groups, expensive food, showing up late to class; I missed it,” Freese said. “I cannot wait to get back to Meramec and start it all again.”

PHOTO BY: DAVE HERHOLZ David Freese, St. Louis Cardinal third baseman, played for the Meramec Magic in the early 2000s. After transfering to Southern Alabama to play baseball, Freese was drafted by the San Diego Padres. He was traded to the Cardinals for Jim Edmonds in December 2007. After his postseason baseball heroics and new-found fame, Freese has decided to return to Meramec to pursue his love for the arts. Freese will be joining late-start classes already in session.

Games of base and basket without balls Players are forced to play baseball, basketball and soccer at STLCC without balls due to more athletic cuts KIMBERLEX GLENDALL STAFF THREESOME Due to recent budget cuts, spectators at recent STLCC Archers games have been surprised to see that players are playing their respective sports without any balls.

“It’s different, of course,” Tony Dattoli, head coach of the Archer baseball team, said. “But the economy is hard on everyone and we’ve had to make some cuts.”

Without balls to kick, catch or throw, players say that with the use of their imagination, they have found that they can play anything with their hands.

“The students were a little outraged when we announced that we were taking the balls away,” Randy Albrecht, the men’s basketball head coach, said. “They just have to understand that everyone has to make changes, but it is sad that the balls were the first to go.”

Soccer players said they feel as if they are wasting their time out on the field because they feel as if they are just running laps. Although Kevin Cooksey, freshman Archer soccer goalie, said he feels safer.

“I don’t have any balls to block. My job is easier now, so it’s just funny to watch everybody run around,” Cooksey said.

The no-balls pandemic across STLCC athletics has even caught opponents off guard.

“Other teams are confused when they come play us at home,” Dattoli said. “Us having no balls to play with in baseball, when they are up to bat, they don’t know when to swing. On the flipside of the game, when we are up to the plate and they are on defense, they never know where to field.”

Safe Athletics of Collegiate Colleges (SACC), an organization created to keep student athletes safe while still playing the game, took advantage of the college’s situation and took action. When Cindy Gnads, director of safety regulations at SACC, heard that the community colleges were cutting back, she said she jumped at the chance to keep the student athletes safe while saving the schools money.

“When [SACC] heard that the colleges were cutting back, we jumped at the chance to increase the safety of those colleges’ athletes while helping save some money,” Gnads said. “Removing the balls just seemed like the best idea. No balls, no problems.”

Since the announcement of the STLCC sports teams losing their balls, Gnads said that it is a necessity so that balls will injure no student athlete and cause them to miss class.

“We don’t want any students getting hit in the head with balls,” Gnads said. “If they get a concussion, or if the balls hit them so hard that they get lumps on their heads, it can take away from their learning in the classroom. The college may have cut balls because of the budget, but I’m just glad that students won’t be getting hit with balls anymore.”

While not having balls to play with changes the way the games are played for some athletes, for others it does not change a thing.

“It doesn’t change much in my game,” Dani Whitehead, softball pitcher, said. “I’m used to not having balls.”

PHOTO BY: SQUEEGEE BECKENHEIM STLCC-Meramec student, Hanz Franz, throws the ball in during a game of soccer without the ball. Student-athletes and physical education classes will no longer be able to play games or practice with balls. Despite the color-coding of balls hardness, from lighter to darker so no one will be injured using hard balls, there will no longer be blue balls, red balls or black balls or balls of any kind on the playing field.