The First Time A Guy Made Me Dinner by madam v
We met at one of those promotional events - you know, the ones where they give free promotional booze and there’s an awesome free performance, on the night’s bill - Sebastien Tellier. We met at the bar as I was ordering my 3rd whiskey sour on top of free AIR alcoholic carbonated water. He started talking business and asked me for my card- which always seems to erect my lady boner, but my priority was Sebastien Tellier so I grabbed my whiskey sour and hit the dancefloor. Not even two songs in, I get a text from him. “Hey it’s Devan, I don’t know if you remember me. But I’m upstairs if you wanna have a smoke.” I swooned to my friend, flattered that he used my card right away. Now, I have a moderately flirty persona when I’m sober so it’s just next level flirtation once I’ve had a few. So naturally, I respond “How could I forget?!” I meet him upstairs where he has a cigarette waiting for me AND my friend and when the conversation turns stale he invites us to after-hours. We show up to LA’s notorious after-hours spot “Overpass” - a shed turned bar during the witching hour in the hipster ridden neighborhood of Silverlake. I laughed to myself as he talked about how cool and obscure it was as if I hadn’t been there before. I was losing steam as we pulled up at 2am and conveniently enough it was time for my friend to take her Vyvanse. I self-diagnosed myself with ADHD for the night (probably because Devan wasn’t that interesting) and took one myself. One pill, 12 hours of impaired judgement. I felt the pill kick in, bought myself and the punk a Tecate, and was next-level fluttering around the dirty venue like the social butterfly I am. The sun came up but I couldn’t fall asleep if I tried. Devan, Rebekah, and I went to grab a cup of coffee and figure out our lives. I wrote a few emails and decided to spend the day by the pool where I used to live with the access key I wasn’t supposed to have with this guy I didn’t know. We talked for hours on end and by my impaired judgement we were really hitting it off! The sun was setting and so was my energy. I made him drive himself home in my car after he said “I’m not ready to go home yet.” (*REDFLAG*) then drove the back to my apartment and passed out. I woke up 18 hours later with two texts from Devan, an upper respiratory infection, and a voice like Froggy’s from Little Rascals. I was too sick to answer questions like “when am I going to see you again?” much less even think about that, but he convinced me to let him come over. I wasn’t feelin it. He did some of my homework and helped me with a craft project. It was just what I needed after a night like that. Assistance. I went to the doctor the next day and was souped up on Azythromycin and Mucinex DM when he started asking me when if he could make me dinner. I was flattered, nervous, confused, but most of all- sick. It was too good/ weird to be true, but I was too weak to make myself food so I agreed. I showed up to his frat-style apartment where he was playing Emeril in the kitchen. He went overboard with the bam and served salty pasta that was past inedible and tilapia I could make blindfolded. The best part was the ranch, because the salad was cut in squares and I prefer rectangles. I blamed my leftovers on my poor appetite, but agreed to watch Uncle Buck (my choice) but could only think about the end. I was too sick to drive myself home and he doesn’t have a car, so I stayed the night. I don’t know if it was his uncomfortable futon or his short fat dick that was the dealbreaker, but when he texted me to hang out for 4th of July, I was less than excited. I wanted to spend the day eating pot brownies and chillin with my homegirl, but Devan somehow tagged along and when Rebekah’s car broke down pre-fireworks show, he put on a pouty face because all he wanted was to “kiss under the fireworks.” I gave him a piece of pot brownie to shut him up and he passed out in my backseat while we waited for AAA. I thought about waking him up before I dropped him off, but I wasn’t in the mood. I stopped at his front porch, woke him up nicely and drove off before he could realize he just got dumped.
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