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April 1, 2014

Disciplina praesidium civitatis | Education is the guardian genius of democracy

ALL POSSIBLE JOBS CREATED, FILLED Bureau of Labor Statistics: "Complete employment singularity has been achieved; there is no more work in this universe." → NEWS, PAGE 8

THE FINEST NEWS AT UTD

Professor takes risk Pasta church lecturing without steamed PowerPoint Colander-wearing radicals demand death of area man

Revolutionary class period sends shockwaves through university; students bewildered

JOEY SANKMAN

Saucy Correspondent

Early last week, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) called for the death of Dallas Italian restaurant owner, Cesare Beccaria, after his inclusion of pasta photographs on his lunch menu. The images have sparked protests across the globe where protestors have vehemently voiced their opposition. In Kansas, protests turned violent BECCARIA at the capital on Wednesday, where the streets ran red after protestors began hurling meat balls and jars of spicy red pepper tomato sauce at riot police. The tomato-based sauce company, Ragu, issued a statement condemning the violence after it was discovered that Ragu brand sauces were predominantly used as projectiles during the protest. “Ragu in no way condones the use of pasta sauces as instruments of death and violence. It is recommended that our sauces be enjoyed for consumption only,” the statement read. Although no fatalities were reported from the incident, protestors could be heard chanting “Death to those who insult Pastafarianism.” More accurately, a sect known as Capelli d’angelo Pastafarians issued the decree against Beccaria. “Although communion (consuming pasta) is in line with the teachings of His Noodliness, creating images of the Creator are strictly forbidden and are punishable by death under Capelli d’angelo Pastafarianism,” said George Galloway, a minister at the Dallas branch of the FSM. Capelli d’angelo Pastafarians separate themselves from mainstream Pastafarianism based on several core tenets. First, they believe that they have been specially touched by “His Noodly Appendage.” Second, their sect follows what is known as higher Pastaology due to their belief that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is an emanation of the divine Logos. Lastly, Capelli d’angelo Pastafarians regard graven images to be highly offensive and insulting. “I left Kansas to escape persecution,” said Beccaria, a former FSM parishioner. “Since there are strict rules regarding a-pasta-sy, I knew I had to leave.” “Have you ever seen a man crushed by a mound of vermicelli? It’s divinely horrifying,” he said, in reference to a supposed lynching last year at the hands of Capelli d’angelo Pastafarians when a Kansas man was found deceased under several hundred pounds of pasta. An investigation into the matter is ongoing. The Obama administration issued a statement regarding the sacrilegious pasta images on Friday, promising swift action against any guilty parties and condemning the images as “tasteless.” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney added, “No puns are intended in this statement.” Already, Pastafarian lobbyists have helped to revive 2010 and 2011 efforts by the United Nations Human Rights Council to globally ban defamation of religions. Although the previous resolutions were non-binding in nature, Pastafarians are pushing for a binding resolution for all member nations. The measure explicitly bans the use of print, audio-visual or electronic media or any other means to defame pasta. Particularly, means that incite violence, xenophobia or intolerance against pasta are criminalized.

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In ancient times, before the development of presentation software, professors and lecturers were compelled to be dynamic, engaging, entertaining and above all educational. With the proliferation of programs like PowerPoint, college courses from coast-to-coast are often indistinguishable from one another. CHRISTOPHER WANG Lecture-Skipper

Students were stunned on Thursday when Exploration of the Humanities professor James Linder delivered a 50-minute lecture without the aid of popular presentation software Microsoft PowerPoint. “Hold on to your seats, kiddos, because we’re going to dive right in,” Linder said at the beginning of class. PowerPoint, a mainstay of higher education for more than a decade, allows presenters to summarize their speaking points in a visual way, better allowing their audience to follow along. Advancements in presentation technology in classrooms throughout campus allow for dynamic, engaging lectures in which

enriching graphics and text accompany the message delivered by a knowledgeable lecturer. Audible gasps were heard throughout the lecture hall when the professor made his announcement. Forced to look up from their smartphones, students reacted with incredulity. “I was planning to study using the slides later, assuming he’d just put them on eLearning the next day,” said Tom Chang, undeclared freshman. “I only show up for this class because he takes attendance anyway.” Other students in the class echoed Chang’s sentiment, with Ashley Bell, business administration freshman, saying that a steady stream of information provided by slide had made her complacent and indolent.

“We were as pigs at the trough before,” Bell said. “Has the professor always stood at the front of the classroom?” Linder, a doctoral candidate specializing in mid-20th century American literature, spoke continuously without the aid of a computer for the entire class period, pausing only occasionally to field questions from his class “How did he know what to say? Like, usually they read what is on the slide,” Chang said. “Did he memorize all that or something?” Students were observed writing and typing furiously into improvised notebooks and hastily opened Word documents as they were forced to synthesize the information provided into condensed notes for review later.

“This is difficult,” Bell said. “Usually I just copy whatever’s on the slide, but now I have to actually think about what is being said and I have to write it down in my own words.” After class, Linder was asked if he planned to continue this kind of innovative lecturing in the future, and if he had shared his unconventional methods with his colleagues. “Oh, absolutely not,” Linder said. “I was trying to download episodes of ‘Game of Thrones’ to my laptop and somehow bricked it. I didn’t have any time to put together a new presentation.” “Don’t worry,” he added. “I’ll be back with another deck of slides next Tuesday. These kids deserve the best education they can get.”

Recent grad can't wait to donate to UTD CHRISTOPHER WANG Financial Aid Recipient

Emerging media and communications graduate Kim McCreary is your typical college graduate. She did all the right things: went to a state school, graduated on time and kept a tight budget. Now, she’s thrilled to be able to give back to the university that gave so much to her. “When the fundraising letter came in the mail yesterday, I just couldn’t wait to cut them a check,” she said from the kitchen table of her studio apartment. “As soon as I saw the envelope, I knew what I had to do.” A member of the Class of 2013, McCreary applies her degree in new media and critical communications in her exciting day job as shift manager at a Lower Greenville coffee shop. At night, she tirelessly works on various freelance web design projects. With only $24,000 of debt to pay back to the federal government, McCreary is on track to repay her loans well before she turns 50, provided her health remains good, no natural disasters strike and the global economy continues its recovery. “I’m glad that the rigorous course load that I took in college still helps me out in the real world,” McCreary said. “I took 18 hours a semester for four years, and that really prepared me to work 60hour weeks.” With $3 trillion in student loan debt

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Recent graduate Kim McCreary is glad that a steady stream of unpaid internships, lab requirements and mandatory core classes prepared her for the real world, where her labor is valued at a low rate, long-term employment is tenuous at best and stability for the future is a plan that makes God laugh. McCreary, 23, is still grateful for what she has.

weighing on the shoulders of recent graduates, former students like McCreary still find a way to fund the newest auditorium, climbing wall or tennis court that their alma mater needs. “Between paying rent, maintaining my car, keeping the lights on and water running, as well as buying groceries, clothes and going out to eat maybe once a month, I can see why some might struggle to give,” McCreary said. “But I

just feel that it’s super important that the next classes that come through get the same opportunities I did.” Indeed, the glossy mailer that the university sent highlights the race to Tier One status that would bring much prestige, and even higher quality fundraising materials to alumni across the nation. Raising funds allows universities to add more parking enforcement officers and mid-level administrators, while at

the same time enabling them to offer more lucrative compensation packages to coaches, vice-presidents and other important officials. “With the state legislature cutting $5 billion from public education, and with funding for higher education drying up, I understand why they need my help,” McCreary said. “I really value how far my education has taken me already, and I’m sure it’ll really pay off someday.”


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THE MOCKERY | APRIL 1, 2014

LITE NEWS

DISCIPLINA PRAESIDIUM CIVITATIS

Actually Useful Superpowers for Life at UT Dallas

— In Brief — UTD builds house on campus for JSOM prof Matt Polze

Having superpowers such as laser beam eyes, super strength and the ability to stop bullets is very nice, but will those kind of powers really help you during your years at UTD? Consider adopting some of these instead.

The ability to telekinetically transform your project group members into drones that actually do their work and the occasional cartwheel or backflip for your own amusement.

Matt Polze is a former lawyer who teaches business law in the Jindal School of Management. Any student who has ever had him for a class would know that he is a committed and interactive lecturer. Polze is already an amazing professor to most, but people complain that his office hours are always too packed. Students have waited up to four hours on average for a meeting, or even a quick word with him. Recognizing this problem, JSOM Assistant Dean Marilyn Kaplan is aiming to solve the issue by providing Polze with his own home, right here on campus. Head Construction ManBHFS3PCFSU#VJMEFSIBTOFJUIFSDPOÍSNFEOPSEFOJFEUIFFYistence of the blueprints for Polze’s residence. This means that the blueprints exist. Now, students at UTD will have access to him at any time and any day of any week. - Monica Reyes and Shaun Mohamed

The ability to magically make UTD Tier One, so that we shall never again hear of campaigning and buzzwords like “realizing the vision.� The ability to absorb energy from the ever-present international students at the library, so you can pull all-nighters without ever having to buy another Monster or Starbucks again, cause after all, you are a poor, starving college student. The ability to subtract weight (instead of gaining weight) from your body by eating food, and the ability to turn this off at will, so you can go to the dining hall for a food workout instead of heading to the Activity Center. The ability to somehow attract all the squirrels and birds (all those flocks of birds!) on campus to you and lead them into battle to crush your worst enemy, like a corrupted Snow White. The ability to actually make someone fall in love with you by walking under the Lovejack with them. And the ability to make them fall out of love with you by walking under it with them again. Hey, you never know what kind of crazies are out there. The ability to avoid parking tickets by setting up a memorywiping force field around your car, so those pesky parking people will suddenly forget that they’re going to give you a ticket and run off to go to the bathroom, or decide that they could inhale some Nutella. ILLUSTRATION BY JUSTIN THOMPSON | WORDS BY LINA MOON

Editor-in-Chief Lauren Featherstone editor@utdmercury.com (972) 883-2294

Managing Editor Sheila Dang managingeditor @utdmercury.com (972) 883-2287

Web Editor Anwesha Bhattacharjee

web@utdmercury.com

Photo Editor Christopher Wang photo@utdmercury.com

Graphics Editor Lina Moon

graphics@utdmercury.com

Life & Arts Editor Miguel Perez

features@utdmercury.com

Asst. Photo Editor Connie Cheng Media Adviser Chad Thomas

chadthomas@utdallas.edu (972) 883-2286

Contributors Anand Jayanti Ian Lamarsh Sarah Larson Joseph Mancuso Shaun Mohamed Sunayna Rajput Monica Reyes Joey Sankman Justin Thompson The Mockery is published on April 1 as a humorous publication at The University of Texas at Dallas. This special section is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. Opinions expressed in The Mockery are those of the editor, the editorial board or the writer of the article. They are not necessarily the view of the UTD administration, the Board of Regents or the Student Media Operating Board. Help our sustainablity efforts and recycle this paper. Copyright Š 2014, The University of Texas at Dallas. All articles, photographs and graphic assets, whether in print or online, may not be reproduced or republished in part or in whole without express written permission.

Brainerd, Minn. Police Department Crime Report for March-April 1987 CHRISTOPHER WANG

Time Travel and Crime Correspondent

March 21 t"0METNPCJMF$VUMBTT$JFSBJTSFQPSUed stolen at about 6 p.m. March 23 t " .JOOFTPUB TUBUF USPPQFS JT GPVOE EFBE along the road, presumably shot during a routine traffic stop. t 5XP VOJEFOUJĂŤFE QFSTPOT BSF GPVOE TIPU dead along the road after their car rolled over. March 26 t$IJFGPG1PMJDF.BSHF(VOEFSTPOJOUFSWJFXT Shep Proudfoot and Jerry Lundegaard, both of Minneapolis, in connection with the roadside shootings days before. March 27 t 8BEF (VTUBGTPO  .JOOFBQPMJT CVTJOFTT magnate, is found dead atop a downtown parking garage. An unnamed parking attendant is also found shot dead, presumably by the same suspect. March 28 t.JOOFBQPMJTDBSTBMFTNBO+FSSZ-VOEFHBBSE and suspect in the theft of a 1987 Oldsmobile $VUMBTT $JFSB ĂŹFFT BO JOUFSWJFX XJUI (VOEFSson. t 4VTQFDU JO NVMUJQMF NVSEFS DBTFT (BFBS (SJNTSVEJTTIPUCZ(VOEFSTPOBU.PPTF-BLF BUUFNQUJOH UP ĂŹFF BSSFTU (BFBS JT BEEJUJPOBMMZ charged with multilating a corpse and destroying evidence in relation to the murder of his associate Carl Showalter. April 1 t.JOOFBQPMJTDBSTBMFTNBO+FSSZ-VOEFHBBSE is arrested in a motel outside of Bismarck, N.D., in connection to the kidnapping and murder of his wife, Jean Lundegaard. He is additionally charged with resisting arrest.

March 25: Reports of a man who is “funny looking, but in a general way,� seen in this area.

March 20: Local pancake restaurant and motel shut down by authorities for promoting prostitution.

LEGEND VEHICULAR INCIDENT THEFT DRUGS & ALCOHOL DOTTED LINE INDICATES CITY LIMITS OTHER

GOOGLE MAPS | COURTESY


DISCIPLINA PRAESIDIUM CIVITATIS

Humanitarian photos look great on Tinder

REAL NEWS

THE MOCKERY | APRIL 1, 2014

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Tornado decimates ATEC

CC BY THOMAS LEUTHARD | FLICKR

Mark Anderson, 22, reorders the images on his Tinder account from “most sympathetic” to pictures of himself without a shirt on. CHRISTOPHER WANG Online Dating Expert

Local single man and college student Mark Anderson recently updated his Tinder profile with well-lit and soundly composed photos, featuring him posing with the impoverished people of Guatemala. Anderson, a junior biology major, refreshed his online dating presence with the photos he took during his alternative spring break in the Central American country, providing vital medical services to villages located high in the mountains. “(Guatemala) was such a great experience for me,” Anderson said. “I was able to get so many pictures with sick kids who were just so psyched to see me, so that’s got to look good to the ladies.” Polio is a problem in the highlands of the mountainous country, as access to vaccines is hard to come by. International Medical Relief Services, the nongovernmental association that organized Anderson’s mission trip, has been operating in the region for more than 20 years. “We’re happy to get so many motivated young men and women,” said IMRS spokesperson Gillian Tompkins. “It’s really encouraging to see them come out like this every year.” Immediately upon his return to the

United States, Anderson could not wait to share the pictures he took in and around the rugged mountain towns of the rustic country. “I’m really proud of the work I did there,” Anderson said as he reordered the photos on his profile so that a picture of him embracing an emaciated child appeared first. “The lighting on this selfie is great, despite the fact that this old phone has a lousy front-facing camera.” Guatemala’s life expectancy at birth is 71 years, lagging behind other Central American countries. Efforts to improve the health care and quality of life of its citizens rely heavily on foreign investment and volunteering. Tompkins said there’s no shortage of young people who are willing to go abroad to further the cause of quality health care for all, or to further their own dating lives or career prospects. “I tell these students that the real reward isn’t a new line on your resume, but a life changed because of good nutrition or vaccination,” Tompkins said. “But they usually tune out after they hear ‘good for resume’ or ‘excellent for applying to med school.’” At press time, you and Anderson have matched on Tinder because you have a soft spot for those who show selfless compassion toward others.

Plant aspires to be engineer one day

MERCURY FILE PHOTO

Extensive reconstruction work is already underway to repair the massive damage to the recently finished building. ANWESHA BHATTACHARJEE Staff Meteorologist

A mysterious tornado wreaked havoc in the early hours of March 28 and destroyed the new ATEC building that opened last fall. The tornado, which was not detected on any meteorological satellite, did not impact any other building on campus. The Environmental Health and Safety department on campus conducted an investigation shortly after the storm touched down and found soil samples that resembled Martian soil strewn on the top two floors of the building. The findings disproved the initial hunch that this was an ordinary tornado season occurrence. “We have sent out the soil samples for examination,” said James Wright, chief safety officer of EHS. “From what our experts at the Space Research Center have identified, however, the evidence conclusively points toward a storm that originated from Mars.” Experts from the Kennedy Space Center have been brought onto the investigation, and are working closely with a team of professors from the Space Research Center. The spokesperson for the NASA team, Neville Loon, said there are two theories that seem possible as to why the Martian tornado attacked only the ATEC building and nothing else. “The first theory we have is that there might have been ghosts residing within

the building who were conducting celestial experiments and accidentally sent out infra-red signals to Mars,” Loon said. “We still don’t know how Martians interpret infra-red signals or if they have a code similar to the Morris Code. As of now, we have been able to trace some of these radiations and signals, and investigation is underway.” The second theory under investigation is more likely to be the cause of the storm, Loon said. The tornado could have been a Martian reaction to a video game created by a group of ATEC students last year that depicted Martians in a bad light, he said. These students are planning to present the video in their Capstone project this year, and the tornado could have been the Martians’ way of warning the students, Loon said. Meanwhile, two students were mildly injured in the storm, despite the fact that the building closed at 1 a.m. Officials at the university said the two injured, both ATEC students, were involved in a romantic relationship and thought it would be a good idea to hide from the closing staff and picnic on the roof. That is how the tornado found them three hours later, while it ravaged the building and knocked down windows and doors. “My boyfriend and I were enjoying the moonlight and having some fun, when at 2 a.m., we realized we couldn’t leave the building until someone opened the main doors,” said one of the

injured, who wished to remain anonymous. “We were cuddling together on the blanket, trying to fall asleep, when the absurd tornado swished out of nowhere and threw us off the roof into the reflection pool.” The incident has raised numerous safety questions among students and parents alike. The injured boy’s father, Jerry Wargrave, said the family has filed a lawsuit against the National Weather Service for faulty tornado prediction. Wargrave claimed he is clairvoyant and said he had known the building was going to be destroyed that night, and warned the NWS of the impending danger. However, the NWS and EHS ignored his warnings, he said. Wargrave and the other injured party’s mother said they were both going to sue UTD for negligence. “I am extremely disappointed in UTD’s management of Martian storms,” Wargrave said. “One of the reasons I allowed my son to become a Comet was because of the “StormReady” signs that are everywhere on campus. I mean, you’d expect a university with a space theme to be capable of dealing with such advances from other planets, right? I am really paranoid about celestial and galactic storms, and now I’m going to make sure my son transfers to another university next semester that doesn’t interact with space as much — like the ones that deal with bulls, bears or seahawks.”

Tumblr gives ‘inspo’ SHEILA DANG

Senior Social Media Correspondent

GOPAL VAIDYANATHAN | COURTESY

This plant is willing to perform the same work as you at a fraction of the cost and at least three times faster. It does not need a social life. ANAND JAYANTI

Senior Flora Correspondent

Mr. Gopal Vaidyanathan agreed to an interview under the condition we would not disturb the fern, whom he claimed was studying upstairs. “To many, our chances may seem slim given the circumstances, but they don’t realize how early we began preparing for the SAT and GMAT,” said Mr. Vaidyanathan, speaking about the Pteridophyta Filicopsida that he and his wife have been growing for five years. “We are confident that his unconventional story will help him write his essay for Harvard and be admitted,” he said of

the plant, who has no opposable thumbs or central nervous system. “As a photosynthetic plant, it goes without saying that he has community service in the bag,” said Mr. Vaidyanathan, who admitted not knowing exactly what grade the fern was in or what classes he was taking because “his mother takes care of that stuff.” “We are also eager to mention this interview and the various molting insects that he has hosted over the years on his resume.” When asked whether the fern really wants to be an engineer, Mr. Vaidyanathan noted, “he’s never expressed a greater interest in anything else.”

After failing two of her midterms last month, geoscience junior Regina Graham was in a rut and found herself questioning her choice of major. A longtime pyrite and conglomerate enthusiast, Graham’s academic shortcomings in the field she’d loved since the age of five was concerning. And yet, school wasn’t her only problem; Graham said other personal struggles were coming to a head. “I felt like I’d hit rock bottom. I’d never even failed a differential calculus exam, so to fail at a subject I love? I was disappointed in myself,” she said. But soon after, Graham stumbled upon a Tumblr called “Lyfe Inspo,” which features an infinitely scrolling feed of inspiration for relationships, health and fitness, happiness and general improvement in the valuation of one’s life. It wasn’t long before Graham felt her spirits begin to lift. One after the other, Graham said each post resonated with her to the core. Song lyrics and quotes from 19th century Transcendentalist poets in heavily stylized font, set against images of winding country roads and sunny beaches, sent Graham into deep thoughts about her outlook on life.

CC BY ANIETO2K | FLICKR

A common Tumblr abbreviation is “OTP” which stands for “Old Time Persimmon,” which helps users find their favorite rustic heritage Japanese fruits.

In particular, a Tumblr photo set featuring the verse “I have ‘em like Miley Cyrus, clothes off / Twerking in their bras and thongs, timber,” from Ke$ha and Pitbull’s hit song “Timber,” inspired Graham to take more control in her everyday life. “I’d heard the song on the radio a million times, but it wasn’t until I saw it on Tumblr that the lyrics stuck with me,” Graham said. Graham has also reblogged posts that give her the motivation to continue with her fitness goals. She even printed out a post featuring a slim woman and the text

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” As she taped the photo on her bedroom wall, Graham said that while it’ll be a rocky endeavor, she knows she has what it takes to sculpt a thigh gap and lose enough weight to make her collarbones more visible. Ultimately, Graham said that with a bit more hard work, she’s also optimistic she can improve her grades. As she settled in for bed, Graham reblogged a “Friends” GIF and concluded she could become a paleontologist like Ross Gellar.


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THE MOCKERY | APRIL 1, 2014

SPORTS EXPLAINER

DISCIPLINA PRAESIDIUM CIVITATIS

Basketball 101

WORDS: CHRISTOPHER WANG | NOT SPORTS EDITOR; PICTURES: MERCURY STAFF | FILE PHOTOS; DESIGN: LINA MOON | IS GFX EDITOR

SPORTS CAN BE COMPLICATED so we’ve gathered some informational photos to explain just one sport: basketball. The game was invented by a Canadian man who was attempting to invent a new type of hockey on wood. A century later, a prominent rapper purchases a stake in a team in the nation’s largest media market.

Perhaps you are familiar with the sport of softball? Much like basketball, it involves a ball. The softball is so called due to its tender, fleshy insides. About the size of a grapefruit, the softball is at least as tasty, if you salt it a bit. A basketball, likewise, is made of old wicker baskets, much like the kind your grandmother keeps her yarn and knitting needles in. I hope this helps.

Basketball can be a tragic sport sometimes. Remember that one guy whose leg broke on the court and you could see the bone sticking out and it was on live TV and stuff? That was crazy. Anyway, something like that happened here, and our photographer got injured. Get better soon, nameless dude! Wait, we were supposed to teach you about the sport, right? Look to the series below.

The player on offense represents the proletariat, striving for the “goal,” which of course is a classless society. The defender is the bourgeoisie.

The ball represents the means of production. Without the ball, no goals can be scored. Capitalists oil the cogs of the machine with the blood of workers.

Here, the player numbered 35, who represents the proletariat, clumsily fumbles the ball. He has been distracted by religion, the opiate of the masses.

Look at his Christ-like pose. The Church has promised him an eternal reward for his suffering and toil on earth, but there is no metaphysical guarantee of justice.

The working class again has been stymied by the clergy leading them astray. Possession of the means of production will return to the capitalists.


CLASSIFIEDS&HOROSCOPES

DISCIPLINA PRAESIDIUM CIVITATIS

Classifieds MISSED CONNECTIONS LOOKING FOR PURSE LADY I stole your purse last Monday at the Forest/Jupiter DART. The Beyonce CD & AARP member card tell me you’re my soulmate. Call me 210-555-8596. I’ll also return your purse minus $10. WHERE’S MY BUNNY I took you to the park to play frisbee and you ran off? Where did you go? Please text me when you’re free. ETHEL BARBAROSSA? We were at the mall and you went inside Things Remembered. I never saw you afterward, Ethal! Call 555-4523

I need someone to go to the store and get me eggs and deodorant. I will give you $5 for the items and you can keep the change. Call 555-8798

GIGS

Hello American friends, I am normal high school student seeking

I’m looking for a live-in nanny for my 2 kids. You have to take my 8 yo to school in the morning and pickup, plan activities for my 4 yo and in free time, clean dishes, wash clothes and general housecleaning. $70 a week. Call 555-4123 Need a body guard to keep you safe while you roam the walkways of UTD? I received my black belt from my afterschool Tae-Kwon-Joe classes. I charge $5, but am willing to wear my black belt and muscle shirt in public (so people know not to mess with you) for an extra $3 daily. Contact Richard Smalls at 555-8008.

OCTOPUS 4 OCTOGENARIANS

Older couple looking for 3 slightly used octopuses. Prefer Giant Pacific but will accept Blue Ringed. The bigger the beak, the better! You need to stay here to supervise and make sure octopus is fine.

I have like 50 soft pretzels. If you wanna come by my house and eat some, please do. I’m watching CSPAN, so you can watch with me or w/e. Call 555-8956

material for to win big prize science fair. Searchings of weapons grade uranium to make for big science volcano presentation. Can make payings in cash and after transact we can for eat apple pies and hotdogs. Call me at 555-5689.

FOR SALE PRICELESS BAGELS I am moving to Iceland and need to sell my collection of bagels. Some older bagels need to go through a hydro-vacuum process daily and many are valued at over $10. I even have a bagel that Alyssa Milano bit into and then threw away. ROCKIN’ RACCOONS DEALS My stuffed raccoons business has gone under in this economy (thanks Obaba!) & I still have 500+ raccoons in inventory. I am selling them for $50. These are quality. I sell only best raccoons in the SOUTH! Looking for roommate I just got laid off and need extra income. My 1 bedroom apartment has big closet where you can put twin mattress. I only ask that you don’t roam around the rest of the apartment b/c I don’t like strangers. Call 555-6478 ASAP if interested!!!

SARAH LARSON & CHRISTOPHER WANG Staff Astrologers

ARIES

TAURUS

GEMINI

CANCER

LEO

VIRGO

APR. 20 - MAY 20 You’ve been eyeing that cutie in government class but they seem distant. Venus is in your house this month, so give them your death stare — they can’t resist. Wash your sheets. Beware of zippers. Lucky number: 96, you’re still learning. MAY 21 - JUNE 21 Gemini just wants you to know this is just a wacky fun humor newspaper and you shouldn’t take it too seriously. In fact, don’t take anything too serious; become a clown. Lucky number: remember a time in your life you were truly loved. Divide that by 2. JUNE 22 - JUL. 22 As Uranus enters your house, there’s no such luck for you, as usual. You’ll learn what your Chinese tattoo actually says, and whom your mother really named you after. Read instructions thoroughly. Eat your broccoli. Lucky number: 4, but you’ll see a 9. JUL. 22 - AUG. 22 Don’t kid yourself — you’re not getting that scholarship. An Aries will win out over you because he has the personality. Get your khakis drycleaned. Watch out for long boarders. Lucky number: 99, get over yourself. AUG. 23 - SEP. 22 Let’s face it: Capricorns want to be you, and they know it, too. Do yourself a favor and forgo the makeup or hair product. It’s the least you can do; your ego will thank you. Stay hydrated. Beware broken vessels. Take advantage of limited-time offers. Lucky number: 0, you’ve worked hard for it.

LIBRA

SCORPIO

SAGITTARIUS

CAPRICORN

AQUARIUS

PISCES

Looking for a Good time? Saturday game night 7 pm. I will bring the live party ducks, you bring food and 20 bucks. Email me at rhodazopley@yohoo.com or call 555-3216 FAMILY HEIRLOOM FOR SALE I’m selling my great-grandmother’s antique toaster. It makes toast & other such things, maybe pop tarts. However, the appliance is haunted as we have all seen the demon Pazuzu appear from the hot coils from within the toaster. I am asking for $80, but will trade for a free exorcism. YOU WON’T REGRET THIS I have a potato chip that looks like Gary Busey, but also a little like Ludacris. I want to trade for a male Blue British Shorthair kitten. Call 555-4658

PERSONALS I keep getting personal calls for Regina Frost but I am not Regina Frost. They are of a sensual nature and I would like them to stop. If you are Regina Frost please call my number 555-8850

THE PERFECT EMPLOYEE!

I just graduated college and am ready to work for you! I have many skills available at my disposable: - Word, Excel & POWERPOINT!!! - I can take any kind of tests you need. I’m great at bubbling in questions on scantrons, but can also do multiple choice. - I’m pretty good at presentations - Can’t work weekends or Fridays. Need health and dental ASAP! Call 555-7854. Looking for an interesting, career-driven individual to drink two glasses of milk while I watch from a nearby window. Please call 555-8693. Nobody under 75. LOOKING FOR MR. RIGHT I need a strong, older man with a master’s degree in anthropology (will accept philosophy or Latino studies) to take me nice places: the library, your farm in Amarillo, Trader Joe’s. If this is you, call 555-7859. 12 Diana Ross impersonators for special camping trip. Call 555-8956 Need toenail donors. Will pay. 555-6364

BIG SUMMER BLOWOUT SALE! ALL ITEMS MUST GO! SWIMSUITS! CLOGS! SUN BALMS! HALF OFF ALL CANS OF LUTEFISK OR SALMON! STOP BY MY TRADING POST AND SAUNA, 105 OAKEN ROAD, AR

Horoscopes MAR. 21 - APR. 19 Chill out, brah. Rome wasn’t built in a day. But your deadlines are creeping up on you as Saturn enters your house — so get started on those projects! Your free trial of Netflix is about to end. Beware that spoiled milk in your fridge. Lucky number: 1

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To place an ad, contact The Mockery at (984) 555-6843, or write your senator. We accept Bitcoin, Dogecoin and unspeakable eldritch horrors as payment. No checks.

Single male 40s looking for warm lap for cat. I need someone to sit with my cat for 6+ hours while I work from home. I sit with her during the nights but she won’t let me use my computer and I need to finish this bank reconciliation. I need someone to shave my calves. My back hurts and I can’t turn but I need to shave for competition. Call 5552222 if interested. I have a sculpture of a ceramic extra large cow that needs to go immediately! Please come pick it up at my house. 555-5648

THE MOCKERY | APRIL 1, 2014

SEP. 23 - OCT. 23 Your patience will be tested this month, as a loved one is feeling unloved. And it’s your fault for being so cold. Defrost from winter, but don’t do your laundry yet. Call your mother. Lucky number: your mom’s. (As in your mother’s phone number.) OCT. 24 - NOV. 21 Your reckless activities are a result of Jupiter recently entering your house. Don’t forget you’re human. Memento Mori or whatever. Go out and prepare yourself. Beware leg cramps and head rushes. Lucky number: 18 minimum, 17 in some states. NOV. 22 - DEC. 21 This sign is currently experiencing Internet connectivity issues. Please reset your wireless router and restart your computer. Should you continue to experience problems, please contact technical support. Lucky number: not found. DEC. 22 - JAN. 19 Carl Sagan once said it was ridiculous and silly to read and believe in horoscopes. Guess what? He’s dead. Coincidence? Only the stars know. You better watch yourself, buddy. Lucky number: Cosmos on FOX, Sundays 9/8 central. JAN. 20 - FEB. 18 Prepare to live in infamy as your attempt to start a backlash to the popular animated film “Frozen” results in your beheading, French Revolution style. Be assertive and ask that cashier to make your change correctly. Lucky number: 26401 FEB. 19 - MAR. 20 You are a water sign, so you will tell yourself that you are deep like the ocean when others say that you are rather superficial. It turns out, however, that the opinion of your peers carries more weight than the positions of the stars at the time of your birth, go figure. Lucky number: 3 ft. 6 in. No Diving Allowed.


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THE MOCKERY | APRIL 1, 2014

CAMPUS LIFE

UTD Reimagined

DISCIPLINA PRAESIDIUM CIVITATIS

The skybridges at UTD might never have been constructed if it weren’t for the 1971 development plan based on Disneyland (below) that also projected large outdoor balconies and monorails on campus. Here’s a few other ideas that The Mockery has dug out of the archives.

UTD | COURTESY

SUNAYNA RAJPUT | STAFF

All of the construction in front of Green Hall and the Administration Building has forced students to get to those buildings via the skywalks, which has been tiring and excessively timeconsuming. Instead of just having skywalks, we should have floating pods that can take students to classes around the annoying construction. UTD would be really transporting students to the future.

IAN LAMARSH | STAFF

Students call NSERL the “mermaid building” because its sides shimmer and shine like scales on a mermaid’s tail; we say that campus would be more interesting if the building took its moniker a bit more seriously and housed a mermaid in there for, you know, science and stuff.

LINA MOON | GRAPHICS EDITOR

Students have complained about the lack of parking at UTD (and are still complaining), and the administration has built more parking garages as a result. While this is good for students who need to find a place to park, it feels like parking spaces are really taking over the campus. Instead of expanding campus for parking, we should focus on shrinking the real problem — the cars that need parking — by literally shrinking them when they enter campus, and then unshrinking when they’re about to leave.

ANAND JAYANTI | STAFF

If you go to the gym regularly (or even if you’ve been there a few times), you’ve probably heard the grunting and groaning of the wannabe bodybuilders lifting weights there. Now, there’s nothing wrong with expressing yourself during your workout, it’s just that there’s sometimes a few people in the gym that always seem to express themselves a tad bit obnoxiously with earth-shattering roars that everyone in the whole gym can hear. How great would it be if we could help them out and infuse the air at the Activity Center with helium so they could sound extra manly?

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