VOL. I, No. 2
MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · MONDAY, JANUARY 28, 2019
thelocalnoodle.com
SGA Allocates Funds for Labyrinth Minotaur Inspired by the success of the inaugural “Panther Parade,” the Middlebury Traditions Committee has decided to continue with the formula of combining school spirit and dangerous wild animals by installing a minotaur to be placed at the center of the labyrinth at the Knoll. Citing a lack of student interest in the meditative walking path installed in 2017, the Traditions Committee explained that they have been searching for alternative ways to drum up excitement among the student body. They unanimously decided on classical mythology after ruling out options like tailgating Quidditch games or hiring more mental health professionals. Theseus Alexander ‘21, a Classics major, expressed dismay at the prospect of an 800-pound bloodthirsty monster taking up permanent residence so close to campus. “I just don’t see how they think this is going to end well,” Alexander sighed. “I mean, in the version of the story I know, the minotaur is the bastard offspring of Pasiphaë, Queen of Crete, and a sacred white bull that King Minos refused to sacrifice to Poseidon. In the story, Pasiphaë has to crawl inside a wooden bull costume in order to trick the bull into having sex with her, so I’m pretty concerned that the SGA has managed to create one here at Middlebury. Who drew the short straw at that meeting?” The SGA has also developed a committee to determine what the Minotaur eats. An anonymous source confirmed that so far ideas include Morningstar Veggie Chik’n Nuggets, black bean burgers, hard-boiled eggs, and an annual tribute of seven youths and seven maidens from Middlebury’s vassal states, Hamilton and Trinity. The minotaur has been known to wander away from the labyrinth when hungry, and can be frequently found lifting free weights in the athletic center or bellowing over fellow students in Political Science classes.
Pictured: the Midd-otaur looking for some yum yum.
Top left: John Smith II, Eliza Kitteridge, James Huntington III, Molly Magnus, Dustin McDougal, and 89 other semester school grads.
Admissions Accidentally Accepts Black Feb
On December 19th, 2018, Middlebury accepted 297 students, both ‘Regs’ and ‘Febs,’ to the Class of 2023 and 2023.5. However, in a clerical mixup that destroyed the college’s long-standing tradition of blending their Feb class with the winter landscape, they did the unthinkable: they accidentally admitted a black Feb. Sources confirmed that despite the admissions pool being relatively typical––with a competitive mix of J.O.B.s invested in team sports, Midwesterners trying to seem like they’re from California, and Californians who just learned the Midwest exists––the Emma Willard authorities failed to notice that one of the new Febs, Mark Evans ‘23.5, is actually black. When questioned about the incident, admissions officer Eliza Pettigo insisted that the admissions officers “must have clicked the wrong button” when it happened, and reiterated that the acceptance was the first such accident in the history of the Feb program. “We certainly didn’t intend to create an inclusive and diverse Feb class, if that’s what you’re implying,” she said haughtily. “Febs are like the favorite child to us: we hold the others to
Geoff Taser, the Dean of Admissions, added, “The Feb program is one of the most unique parts about Middlebury. What other school has a custom of accepting a bunch of hyper-privileged white kids and refusing to publish the class demographics? “It’s been very sad for us to break with this tradition and create a class of people that includes more than the rich, white, outdoorsy students that Middlebury prides itself on.” The decision is being praised by Middlebury’s student body who, surprisingly, are not opposed to more diversity on campus. In fact, some of the extremely far-left members of campus are already pushing to accept up to two black Febs next year—a previously unthinkable action. When asked for comment on his unique circumstance, Evans said, “I chose to apply to Middlebury for its strong language programs and study-abroad options. The chance to take a semester off, travel, and earn some money was really appealing too–but I guess I didn’t realize that ‘Febbing’ is yet another thing you’re not supposed to do while black.”
STUDENT CAN’T SAY SUGARBUSH WITHOUT CLIMAXING
WHITE BOY IS WHITE, STUPID
DAVIS REDESIGN TO INCLUDE FIVE MORE TABLES OF SUPER LOUD BIDDIES
“God, I just love those mountains,” said Jake Harvey ‘19.
“You liked that, right?” says white boy.
SECTION HIKER, PAGE 3
HUMOR SECTION, PAGE 69
“The survey results were overwhelming: students want more work spaces where they can overhear details about the Punta Cana Feb break trip.”
PATTON COMMENCES HUNT BY RELEASING THE HOUNDS
MDC THROWS GOOD SHOW
“The hounds must feast!” echoed the president’s bellows.
All of the audience member enjoyed the show.
FOOD SECTION, PAGE 8
BREAKING NEWS, PAGE 10
SECTION K, PAGE 401 BLEEDING CORPSE OF FREE SPEECH FOUND STILL LURKING ON CAMPUS “We’ll have to do something about this,” says Bill Burger. NEW YORK TIMES OP-ED, PAGE 5