VOL. I, No. 2
MIDDLEBURY, VERMONT · MONDAY, JANUARY 28, 2019
thelocalnoodle.com
SGA Allocates Funds for Labyrinth Minotaur Inspired by the success of the inaugural “Panther Parade,” the Middlebury Traditions Committee has decided to continue with the formula of combining school spirit and dangerous wild animals by installing a minotaur to be placed at the center of the labyrinth at the Knoll. Citing a lack of student interest in the meditative walking path installed in 2017, the Traditions Committee explained that they have been searching for alternative ways to drum up excitement among the student body. They unanimously decided on classical mythology after ruling out options like tailgating Quidditch games or hiring more mental health professionals. Theseus Alexander ‘21, a Classics major, expressed dismay at the prospect of an 800-pound bloodthirsty monster taking up permanent residence so close to campus. “I just don’t see how they think this is going to end well,” Alexander sighed. “I mean, in the version of the story I know, the minotaur is the bastard offspring of Pasiphaë, Queen of Crete, and a sacred white bull that King Minos refused to sacrifice to Poseidon. In the story, Pasiphaë has to crawl inside a wooden bull costume in order to trick the bull into having sex with her, so I’m pretty concerned that the SGA has managed to create one here at Middlebury. Who drew the short straw at that meeting?” The SGA has also developed a committee to determine what the Minotaur eats. An anonymous source confirmed that so far ideas include Morningstar Veggie Chik’n Nuggets, black bean burgers, hard-boiled eggs, and an annual tribute of seven youths and seven maidens from Middlebury’s vassal states, Hamilton and Trinity. The minotaur has been known to wander away from the labyrinth when hungry, and can be frequently found lifting free weights in the athletic center or bellowing over fellow students in Political Science classes.
Pictured: the Midd-otaur looking for some yum yum.
Top left: John Smith II, Eliza Kitteridge, James Huntington III, Molly Magnus, Dustin McDougal, and 89 other semester school grads.
Admissions Accidentally Accepts Black Feb
On December 19th, 2018, Middlebury accepted 297 students, both ‘Regs’ and ‘Febs,’ to the Class of 2023 and 2023.5. However, in a clerical mixup that destroyed the college’s long-standing tradition of blending their Feb class with the winter landscape, they did the unthinkable: they accidentally admitted a black Feb. Sources confirmed that despite the admissions pool being relatively typical––with a competitive mix of J.O.B.s invested in team sports, Midwesterners trying to seem like they’re from California, and Californians who just learned the Midwest exists––the Emma Willard authorities failed to notice that one of the new Febs, Mark Evans ‘23.5, is actually black. When questioned about the incident, admissions officer Eliza Pettigo insisted that the admissions officers “must have clicked the wrong button” when it happened, and reiterated that the acceptance was the first such accident in the history of the Feb program. “We certainly didn’t intend to create an inclusive and diverse Feb class, if that’s what you’re implying,” she said haughtily. “Febs are like the favorite child to us: we hold the others to
Geoff Taser, the Dean of Admissions, added, “The Feb program is one of the most unique parts about Middlebury. What other school has a custom of accepting a bunch of hyper-privileged white kids and refusing to publish the class demographics? “It’s been very sad for us to break with this tradition and create a class of people that includes more than the rich, white, outdoorsy students that Middlebury prides itself on.” The decision is being praised by Middlebury’s student body who, surprisingly, are not opposed to more diversity on campus. In fact, some of the extremely far-left members of campus are already pushing to accept up to two black Febs next year—a previously unthinkable action. When asked for comment on his unique circumstance, Evans said, “I chose to apply to Middlebury for its strong language programs and study-abroad options. The chance to take a semester off, travel, and earn some money was really appealing too–but I guess I didn’t realize that ‘Febbing’ is yet another thing you’re not supposed to do while black.”
STUDENT CAN’T SAY SUGARBUSH WITHOUT CLIMAXING
WHITE BOY IS WHITE, STUPID
DAVIS REDESIGN TO INCLUDE FIVE MORE TABLES OF SUPER LOUD BIDDIES
“God, I just love those mountains,” said Jake Harvey ‘19.
“You liked that, right?” says white boy.
SECTION HIKER, PAGE 3
HUMOR SECTION, PAGE 69
“The survey results were overwhelming: students want more work spaces where they can overhear details about the Punta Cana Feb break trip.”
PATTON COMMENCES HUNT BY RELEASING THE HOUNDS
MDC THROWS GOOD SHOW
“The hounds must feast!” echoed the president’s bellows.
All of the audience member enjoyed the show.
FOOD SECTION, PAGE 8
BREAKING NEWS, PAGE 10
SECTION K, PAGE 401 BLEEDING CORPSE OF FREE SPEECH FOUND STILL LURKING ON CAMPUS “We’ll have to do something about this,” says Bill Burger. NEW YORK TIMES OP-ED, PAGE 5
THE LOCAL NOODLE
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MONDAY, JANUARY 28, 2019
News and Opinions Editorial
Save Plastic, Don’t Use Condoms
When was the last time you gave up something hard for something bigger? When it really came down to it, when were you willing to do the right thing even if the wrong thing felt so much better? Though we at the Noodle have been busy straddling the fame and glory of our first print edition, we’re starting to want to use some of our newfangled power for good. After consulting with our editorial board to consider a variety of different social issues, we’ve come to a decision. Single-use plastics are one of the most debilitating and destructive human products to natural habitats and oceans. The debate has already started with plastic straws, a worthy cause, but we don’t feel like it should stop there. At the Noodle, we believe in going all the way. In order to save plastic, we will no longer be using condoms, and we encourage anyone who reads our newspaper to give up prophylactics as well. While you may feel pressured to use a condom by the presence of FYC’s, CRD’s and STD’s, the real truth is that they are a lurking menace. Did you know that 90% of the plastic taped to your RA’s door comes from condoms? And did you know that there are five condoms for every inch of shoreline on Battell Beach? While the short-term benefits of avoiding parenthood and sexual burning may seem attractive, there are far-reaching implications of global condom use that have recently come to light. We understand that our message may not be what’s best for everybody –– this paper isn’t in black and white after all. That’s why we want to make it clear to our readership that, despite the environmental impact, you should still absolutely continue to use a condom if you’re applying to jobs in finance. Or, you can engage in an eco-friendly alternative to condoms: join the Quidditch team.
ELLIE SIMON
Editor Chief
CLAIRE MARTENS
ROBERT CASSIDY Scapegoat
HENRY CRONIC
SOPHIE CLARK
HAL JUSTER
Editor-Still-At-Large
Captain
Executive Intern, 1st Class
Quality Assurance
HANNAH BRADY Outreach Coordinator
BASIL ALFARO Assistant to the Chef
WILL O’NEAL Assistant Vice President
MARGOT CHISHOLM Baker
CAT LA ROCHE Costume Design
CHRISTINA BADALAMENTI
Middlebury’s only news source. Since 1800.
Propaganda Chief
College Lifts Head From Sucking Robert Frost’s Dick in Order to Fire Entire Art Department
Both the painting and screenprinting professors are out of a job after Middlebury’s assigned Robert Frost-dicksucker broke the news to them that the college will no longer fund the Studio Art Program. The professors, two of only five in the whole department, found the news especially shocking because it came amidst a pause in the nearly century-long suck of worldrenowned poet Robert Frost’s dick. Frost’s assigned dicksucker, Brian Leithauser, was unavailable for comment due to his full mouth, but his colleague, Ralph Abbott, noted that the gutting of the Art department has long been
a part of the College’s plan. “Without the unnecessary expense of the Studio Art program, we can finally funnel more resources into projects related to the only true artist, Robert ‘Richard’ Frost,” said Abbott. “I don’t want to reveal too much, but we have a plan in the works to demolish the Johnson Memorial Building and replace it with an enormous statue of an erect Robert Frost so that other students can participate in experiencing his prodigious natural talents.” The College has historically been remarkably horny for the dead poet, making attempts to flatter the late and well-
endowed Frost in a variety of grandiose ways. Last year, Middlebury whetted Frost’s sexual appetite by displaying his holiday cards in the Davis Family Library’s Special Collections for the Advancement of Jerking Robert Frost Off, and this winter, the college elevated the relationship to a new level by posting an erotic video of snowstorm scenes set to Frost’s own narration of “Stopping By The Woods On A Snowy Evening.” Robert Frost, who was romantically and professionally involved with many other colleges during his long life, was unavailable for comment.
Let’s Hear It For the Boys: Hands Off My Meat! By CHET STUDEBAKER, ‘19 In a series of shrill and hysterical emails, the SGA announced a new partnership with the student organization “EatReal” to reduce the amount of meat in our dining hall by 30% over the next three years. According to the the SGA fascists, Middlebury currently serves 74.2 grams of meat protein per student per day–approximately 150% of the recommended daily amount. To that I say, give me more of that sweet meat! I work hard as a varsity athlete on the Middlebury golf team; after a long afternoon of slowly walking the back nine followed by some rigorous stretching, I like to unwind with a heaping plate of plain pasta and a separate, equally-large plate of whatever meat option Ross is serving. It’s a nightly re-creation of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. This comically-proportioned combination of empty carbohydrates and animal-based protein, taken together together with my twice-daily creatine shake, is essential for maximizing my gains. But now, my fellow students, the SGA has brazenly and unilaterally moved to seize my meat, grabbing at it with their greedy, calloused hands! Am I the only one outraged by this kind of SGA overreach? Where do they get the audacity to impose their half-baked dietary opinions on my plate? Now, in addition to Meatless Mondays in Atwater, they’re taking away the meat in Ross on Wednesdays and Proctor on Fridays. If there’s no meat in the dining halls, where am I supposed to get my protein? Apples with
peanut butter are too sticky! Greek yogurt tastes like sucking off a cow! And the only time I want to see a chickpea is when I google “golden showers.” I and the other “meatheads” on this campus have been targeted and maligned for far too long. Rather than see this campus continue down the slippery slope towards veganism, now is the time to stand up for what is right. I am reminded of a quote by Martin Niemoller: “First they came for the African Peanut Soup, and I did not speak out—because I do not like African Peanut Soup. Then they came for 4:00 Proc, and I did not speak out— because 4:00 Proc conflicted with my practice time. Then they came with the swipe system, and I did not speak out—because I do not know the price of the meal plan. Then they came for meat—and there was no one left to speak for meat.” Sure, I could go to a different dining hall for one meal a week, eat a deli sandwich, or try some plant-based proteins, but those are all minor yet insidious inconveniences that I absolutely refuse to accommodate. So, I call on all the other meatheads out there to stand in protest. We need to protect our manly meat from those who would jerk it from us. Be proud to be a meathead! Let us raise our voices once and for all, loudly telling anyone unfortunate enough to be near us that this is an outrage! Alone we might be small, but together, we are beefy. In the name of gains, let us cry out: Hands off my meat!
THE LOCAL NOODLE
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Obituaries
MONDAY, JANUARY 28, 2019
Carol’s Hungry Mind Cafe (2010-
2016 and 2017 and 2018) After a multi-year struggle against mildew, termites, and apathy, Carol’s Hungry Minds Café closed this year to the disappointment of students without cars who “just need to get away from it all.”
Ruth Bader Ginsburg (1933-2019) After a lengthy battle against cancer, the oldest woman to serve on the Supreme Court passed away this morning.
The Lobby (2013 - 2018)
Wealthy parents mourned the death of this long-lived restaurant, citing the now 25-minute drive to pay more than $20 for an entrée.
Rehearsals Cafe
Pictured: the town of Middlebury, as of January 2019.
Midd Chocolates (420-2017) As an ongoing subject of a lawsuit brought by the DEA, we cannot say much about the passing. Survived by: your guy in Ross.
Old Stone Mill (2009 - last used in 2015) The loss of the Old Stone Mill, a gathering place for business-minded students, has left young entrepreneurs with nowhere to circle jerk.
Democracy (1776 - 2016) After a good long run and multi-year coma, the plug on democracy was finally pulled by the new protest policy.
Rough Cut (2018 - 2018) After the loss of Rough Cut’s mechanical bull, students are left with only the Atwater suites for brief, unsatisfying sexual experiences.
Ben Franklin (1706 - 1790) Known for its low prices and eclectic selection of odds and ends, the long-time shop will be missed by local kleptomaniacs.
The Diner (1960s - 2018) Beloved by locals, students and rats, the Diner long formed an integral piece of Middlebury’s ephemeral culinary community.
Pancakes With Gluten (1800 - 2019) The pancakes passed unexpectedly after a freak maple syrup drowning accident.
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(1992 - 2018)
The space will be repurposed as a liquor store in an attempt to make theater performances more bearable.
BiHall Kiosk,
(once a week from 2015 - 2018) The snack kiosk ceased operations due to low sales, forcing many STEM students to see the sun for the first time in weeks.
THE LOCAL NOODLE
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MONDAY, JANUARY 28, 2019
Play Term Special Your Mom’s Crossword
Horoscopes
We ran out of clues for this crossword, so we asked your mom to help us. Her clues are starred, and she says you should give her a call when you can. DM us for the solution. ACROSS 1. *That friend of yours 11 from elementary school... you know the 13 one. He spilled grape 16 15 juice on the nice carpet 6. *Some writer you said 18 17 your father and I wouldn't understand 22 23 after taking one class on French Absurdism 26 25 11. * Your father's favorite dipping sauce, if only 28 he could pronounce it 30 31 32 12. * Your first pet's name... or what your 35 father likes in his vodka 37 13. Where you'll find a conductor 14. ____, lather, repeat 15. It takes care of you in 37. Some hand-meold age, abbr. downs? 16. * What you got on the 38. Angela's _____ (our fifth-grade spelling latest book club test that's still hanging selection I can't wait to on our refrigerator. tell you about it) 17. Hew 18. Pieces of art done on DOWN wet plaster 1. * 12-Across, for one 22. Dined 2. How 1-Down might be 23. Black gold described 24. Gold, for one 3. How peanuts may be 25. * What kind of school prepared 30 Across attends 4. Rhea Silvia, by another 27. Flight info, in brief name 28. Coefficients of friction 5. One of a dangerous 29. Vietnamese holiday septet 30. * Your high-achieving 6. * The college you cousin. Why can't you didn't get into. We still be more like him? love you! 33. Sum 7. Jennifer Garner's 35. * August: ______ breakout 2001-2006 County, my favorite TV show movie from 2013 8. 60 sec. 36. * What you called your 9. * I always told you they friend Stephanie after would damage your she asked the boy you skin! But did you liked to prom listen? 1
2
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ARIES
14
Mar 21 - Apr 19
19
20
We know you’re talking about your star sign, but maybe you should stop telling people you want to uphold the Ari-an race?
21
24 27 29 33
TAURUS
Apr 20 - May 20
You must not be mad when you find out your Community Friend is seeing other people.
34
GEMINI
May 21 - Jun 20
The only hope you have of repairing your broken life and convincing those around you that you aren’t a complete monster is to go ahead and hit so much clit that you singlehandedly mend the orgasm gap.
CANCER
Jun 21 - Jul 22
You may want to empty your family’s bank account to save the whales, but what have the whales ever done for you? They don’t need your help.
36 38
10. "I told you so!" 16. They're typically sung by sopranos 17. 2016 NFL MVP Newton 18. Adjusts a camera lens, say 19. * One of these can never change its spots. Or is that a leopard? You get what I mean though. 20. Blooper reel material 21. The Adriatic, Aegean, or Aral 26. The Sharper _____ 29. A lot of 30. Natural ____ 31. What's the ___? (Cry of exasperation) 32. When doubled, a chorus line dance 33. * The reason your father makes us get to the airport five hours ahead of time 34. ___ Miserables
LEO
Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will regret a decision this Thursday morning when you’re stuck carrying around a copy of The Campus for the rest of the day.
VIRGO
Aug 23 - Sep 22
The ‘Waxing Moon’ is not to be trusted. Just shave, it’s easier.
SAGITTARIUS CAPRICORN Nov 22 - Dec 21
Enjoy your baked haddock with spinach ricotta tonight at Ross, you animal.
Dec 22 - Jan 19
When your mother reveals a dark family secret, don’t be angry at her for not telling you. Be angry at yourself for eating your twin in the womb.
LIBRA
Sep 23 - Oct 22
It’s time to stop lying to everyone in your life and actually start watching The Wire.
AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 18
The age of Aquarius was in the 60s. Get over it.
SCORPIO
Oct 23 - Nov 21
With the passing of the Super Wolf Blood Moon, your carnal instincts shall destroy those who dare to wear the fur of your fallen wolf brethren upon the hoods of their Canada Goose coats.
PISCES
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Stealing your roommates Lactaid pills won’t do you any favors this Taco Tuesday.
Quiz: Is He Flirting With You? Or Is He Just Delivering Your GrilleMe? A
B
He shows up to your room to make you feel good.
He reaches out to hold your hand.
He is patient and kind.
1
2
3
He shows up to your room with a Dr. Feel Good.
You reach out to eat fries right out of his hand.
He knocked on your door five times. Wake up, you dumbass.
He wants to talk about life.
4 You want to talk about a conspiracy.
He talks smoothly to you.
5 He talks really slowly. Or does he? Time is weird, isn’t it? Did you just say something?
He never judges you.
6 He brings you ranch dressing and sour patch kids for your french fries.
He fulfills all your needs.
Mostly A’s: congrats, he’s flirting with you. It’s a rare day at Middlebury when a man talks to you sober on a weekday.
7 He re-fills all your needs.
Mostly B’s: sorry friend, looks like he’s just delivering your Grille-me. Either way he seems like a great guy who will always support your life choices. Keep him in your life.