THE SLACKER The title says it all. September is a terrible month. It’s like the Tuesday of the work week – it’s just there to take up space. September sucks not only because of its terrible content, but because of its inconspicuous origins. The “sept” in September stands for “septum” which is seven in Latin, because originally it was the seventh month of the year. This makes you wonder, why did it change to the ninth month? It’s because seven ate nine. Most people refer to that as a common joke, but in fact it’s based off September’s desire to be a more noticeable month in the year. Calculations about September also reveal disturbing facts. If you take the present monthly numerical value September has, 9, and subtract it by its ancient value, 7, you get 2. Now divide that by the number of days in September, 30, and you get a horrifying glimpse at September’s evils. The product of that is 0.06666667. In case you didn’t know, 666 is the sign of Satan. Furthermore, September proves the fact that it sucks. It mimics one of the best months of the year and starts on the same day of the week as December, yet, because it’s a hipster and wants to stand
September Sucks
out, it never ends on the same day of the week as any other month. My opinion that September is a horrible month is well founded. Popular bands agree with me as well. Famous for their sick beats and groovy swag, Earth Wind and Fire released a hit song titled “September.” The band’s style is very uplifting, influential and optimistic. The song was titled “September,” because in a month void of fun, Earth Wind and Fire attempted to turn that rightful feeling around. A second, more recent song that depicts September’s monotony is Green Day’s “Wake Me Up When September Ends.” Selfexplanatory. Now, if you think I’m entirely wrong, and disagree with my opinion, I should have you know that September’s birthstone is the sapphire. The sapphire is known for clear thinking. Since I’m pondering September, and its symbolic birthstone promotes clarity of though, I must be thinking clearly. So yes, September definitely sucks.
THE SLACKER
WHO IS THE SLACKER AND WHAT’S HIS DEAL WITH SEPTEMBER?
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