'I've lost my little lemons' Editor, 2016
Editors: Myles Dunnett and Louis Jani Deputy Editors: Henry Dyer and Gabriel Bramley Sub Editor: Taghreed Ayaz Print Editor: Gabriel Bramley News and Politics Editors: Ellie Grana and Dom Starke Campus Editors: Lucy Finnighan and Stella Kiratzi Lifestyle Editors: Hal Bowden and Izzy Palmer Arts Editors: Marvin Drury and Gregory Waddell Features Editors: Harry Jinks and Callum Sharp Science and Tech Editors: Dan Mackinnon and Terri Wang Sports Editors: Clara Colombet and Doina Cressevich Illustrators: Rosa Hansell, Pasky Miranda, Sid Leigh (Back Cover) Chair: Callum Sharp Vice Chair: Tom Davies Treasurer: Alex Campbell Deputy Treasurer: Doina Cressevich Secretary: Gregory Waddell (Eternal) Social Secretary: Leusa Lloyd (Mortal) Ordinary Member: Pasky Miranda Special thanks to our contributors: Stephen Harper, Ben Walker, Morgan Barker-Thorne, Emma Ayre, Alastair Dunstan, Jimmy Woodman, Jack Mounser, Dominic Payne, Oliver Jordan, Jelle Vinkenoog, and Dexter Ford.
'Please don't look at my nudes' Chair, 2016
Dear Clients, We hope you're doing well, and we felt like giving you an update on what it is we've been up to. Contract Law 101 Talks
Two ofour junior members held an overall successful set ofseminars in early October to some of our clients on the nature ofconsent and contract law. It's a shame that some ofyou weren't able to make it, but ifyou ensure in any future dealings that you get a firm 'yes' and realise that 'no means no', that would be great. Busses
Many ofour clients have deluged our mailroom (a closet) with complaints about the closing ofone ofthe bus services you use. Now, whilst we have no experience with these 'busses', using the fantastic Uber service instead like the high-flying lawyers we totally are, we've got Isaac working 24/7 to sort out all your complaints. At least, we think he's working 24/7, we haven't opened the door to check in a couple ofdays now. In any case, we sent offsome 'cease and desists' to First about the bus service after all your complaints, because that seems to be the done thing, and now they've stopped the bus service! Another YouSue success! Well, a First! Haha! (Tamaki, check with Dom ifthis is funny — M.) Sponsorship
Whilst remaining your diligent and nonsensically probono litigators, we're proud to announce a corporate sponsorship with the National Union ofSolicitors (NUS). We understand there was some controversy last year on the previous legal firm's membership ofthe Union, and whilst we are aware ofthe Parliamentary report condemning its new head on charges related to anti-semitism, we've decided to turn a blind eye to it, just as the NUS do with that odd bit ofland right next to Palestine. In any case, ifyou'd like some discounts that you totally couldn't get anywhere else and to help us out (pay for our Uber fares), do pick up an NUS card. Representation
We're always keen to know how you think we should run things, given your no doubt significant legal qualifications, so feel free to pop a letter with suggestions into any postbox. Don't worry about the address. Or the stamp. Love and kittens, Your team at YouSue
P.S.: Transparency In the interests oftransparency and because we've been legally compelled to, here is an example itinerary ofMillie Beach, our Senior Founding Partner. 24th October 2016 10.15-11.15: Wake up 12.00: Get in contact with Nigerian Prince re. funding solution. 13.30: Pithy online status with a gifto advertise the great work the firm has been doing. 14.00: Prepare to rig elections for Joint Client Representative Committee (JCRC), NUS sacrificial lamb/delegate. 15.00: Make some tea and coffee for other senior partners. Continue to inject 50mg ofcaffeine into Smithies' decaffrappucino. 15.15: Check Student Noticeboard 15.15.01: Leak insider information about the firm to York Vision 19.00: Finish leaking information Chief Justice Brighton Beach 20.00: Die a little bit more inside and 'hang out' with first year clients. 21.00: Sleep
'Sorry I was late, the race war has begun' Other Editor, 2016
Grimston House of Horrors
Henry Dyer, illustration by Sid Leigh
'They turned ofthe air. . .
Myles Dunnett
Izzy Palmer
. . . I can't wait to die' Secretary, 2016
Dom Starke
Sid Leigh
Lucy Finnighan
'The machine said 'Open Slowly'. . .
‘I can’t deal with the long distance,’ the boy was overheard saying. ‘Halifax is way too far off campus. I can’t take walking 15 minutes just to see you!’ 'Then why don’t you come stay in Halifax? Everyone knows Derwent accommodation is shit!’ The boy was then seen gasping. ‘YOU TAKE THAT BACK! Besides, you’re always too busy having crazy parties to see me when I visit you! You have a problem!’ ‘No I don’t!’ Sources heard her reply, ‘You’re just jealous that our chant is better than yours! Why do you have to reply to ‘Hali-fuckingfax!’ with ‘Is shit!’? That’s what an 8 year old would say!’ ‘I can’t help it, THAT’S JUST WHO I AM!’
Lucy Finnighan
. . . but I don't take no orders' Editor, 2016
Jack Mounser
Myles Dunnett
Marvin Drury
Day 31: Out ofwater. Still trying to lay up issue. Tell my wife I love her.
Rosa Hansell
Dom Payne
[Insert witticism here. The Editor writing this is shit at improv. ]
Stephen Harper
Henry Dyer
'I'm so hangry' Social Secretary, 2016
Myles Dunnett
Jack Mounser
Penis? No thanks, I've just had a chicken tikka masala.
Henry Dyer
Henry Dyer Dom Starke
Henry Dyer
Henry Dyer
Christmas is coming, You shouldn't be excited though. Santa isn't real.
Gabriel Bramley
Pasky Miranda
Henry Dyer Alastair Dunstan
Gregory Waddell
Henry Dyer
Harry Jinks
'Ask not what your country can do for you. . .
Marvin Drury
Tom Davies
Henry Dyer
Henry Dyer
Myles Dunnett
. . . but what you can do for the Zionist conspiracy. '
Gregory Waddell
Stephen Harper
Gregory Waddell
Alastair Dunstan
You heard it here first: cocaine is fucking great.
Tom Davies
Henry Dyer
You've never tasted true urine until you've. . . wait. . . where am I?
Henry Dyer
Jimmy Woodman
[censored - Eds.]
Myles Dunnett
Sid Leigh
Alexander the Meerkat would be long dead in the wild
Taghreed Ayaz
Henry Dyer
Sid Leigh
that's a quotation straight from their website - Ed.]
[Yeah,
Myles Dunnett
Henry Dyer
Harry Jinks
'Arthur' is Trump's favourite show. He also likes touching women.
Stephen Harper Harry Jinks
Gregory Waddell
Alastair Dunstan Stephen Harper
My mum says she loves me, but. . .
Bake Off Dark Souls
Marvin Drury - A Beginner’s Guide To: Facing the Void with a Smile - A Beginner’s Guide To: Not Blaming Yourself for What Happened that One Night at the Lake Because How Were You Supposed to Know the Ice was so Thin A Beginner’s Guide To: Smoking Yourself Numb
Myles Dunnett
Sid Leigh
- A Beginner’s Guide To: Accepting That They Left You
Tom Davies
Tom Davies
. . . deep down I know she's seeing my father behind my back.
Tom Davies
Stephen Harper
Tom Davies
Westworld
Superstar
Jesus Christ Family Guy
Ben Walker
Stay tuned for the upcoming Louis Theroux documentary. . .
Greg Waddell
Hal Bowden
Pasky Miranda
Marvin Drury
Your Guide to This Week's Programming
Pasky Miranda
. . . 'Roanoke and Vaginas: What are the Links?'
In the shower in the mornings I sometimes think I'm being watched. . .
Dexter Ford
Oliver Jordan
Ah yes, a much more convenient form of legal tender
. . . the sadness I feel when it turns out I'm not consumes me.
Henry Dyer
Marvin Drury
Gregory Waddell
Henry Dyer
Coffee and tea are like biscuits and gravy. . .
DECLARATION FROM THE OFFICE OF THE GREAT AND EXALTED CHAIRMAN CAL' ON THE SUBJECT OF THE THREAT OF DEMOCRACY My fellow members of the nation of Lemon. Today, I want to speak to you about the ever growing threat to our great nation. The shadow that creeps ever closer. The spectre that haunts this proud land. Yes my brothers and sisters, I speak of democracy! Democracy is the murderer in the dark, the mould on the rations, the clouds of radiation over the water. There is no greater threat to the peace and stability of this nation than the demand for universal suffrage and a right to think for one’ s self. And I, as your honorable leader, will not let my dear people fall into the trap that is democracy’ s inviting embrace. This issue has become pressing recently due to mounting pressure from the York Unnecessarily Staffed Union ( YUSU) to implement democratic reform. They claim that a democratic system allows people’ s voices to be heard. That the will of the people somehow needs to be translated through slips of paper in a cardboard box. Well I say to the woman in James, that I can hear my people’ s voice loud and clear from this balcony! I can see from my elevated position the happy smiles and cheery dispositions of a people who understand that I know what is best for them. To even The Traitors are spreading a lie that the Chairman has suggest that my limited knowledge of farming policy adjusted his haircut and the photograph no longer resembles may have lead to a slight food shortage is treason in his glorious personage. itself. You will be arrested. Another attractive but false promise of democracy is the formation of political parties. You are told that a political party can offer you solidarity with people of a similar yoke, a place where you can discuss and develop ideas in line with your political ideology. As loyal citizens, you should already see the flaws in this argument. There is one true ideology. There is one true faith. There is one true opinion. And that is the opinion that can be found in any issue of The Lemon Press at your local state sponsored reading and wellness centre. The only reason there is no other literature is because we’ ve already proven it all to be wrong! They also, inverted commas, suggest, that a society following their imperialist codes of conduct is more likely to receive funding support from them in the future. This is a thinly veiled attempt to replace the rules that serve you so well with rules that will not only degrade you, but serve their interest over ours. As your strong leader, I will not bow down and suck up to these dictators in disguise. I will not be bought through the promise of riches and humanitarian support. If those conniving backstabbers want to win at this game of civilizations then they must come and take it the old fashioned way, with brutal force, not regulation. We all understand the threats of democracy. I implore you all to be on the lookout for any YUSU sympathisers. And to those of you out there thinking about treason. Expulsion awaits. Callum Sharp
ONE ETERNAL NATION UNDER THE LEMON ONE ETERNAL NATION UNDER CHAIRMAN CAL ONE ETERNAL NATION UNDER GLORIOUS FEAR
. . . I can't consume any ofthem after the accident.
‘LE CHR A RN A BO IS 90-MKA MA UT REC INUT RA 'S 'FO IPE FO E OT R SOU BA LL P'’
Sid Leigh
Myles Dunnett
Hitler really wasn't all he was cracked up to be. Aries Cancer
Scorpio
Capricorn
Leo
Taurus
Virgo
Aquarius
Sicario
Gemini
Libra
Sagittarius
Pisces
Rosa Hansell
Everything Is Jolly Nice Isn’t It? Well ladies and gentlemen it’s the year 1952 and things are looking good: the war has ended and the sun is shining. Winston Churchill, the nation’s hero, is back in Number 10, and there’s a very nice man called Harry Truman in the White House. We have a beautiful new queen, Elizabeth II, to reign over us, happy and glorious, and perhaps her young son Charles will one day marry a beautiful lady who will be his only love, and become his queen. Those zany Russians seem to be calming down too, and hopefully we’ll be able to get rid of all those nasty nuclear weapons soon too. I don’t think we’ll be seeing any aggression for a long time to come! The British Empire, on which the sun never sets, is forever protected by Churchill, and we certainly won’t be giving any countries back anytime soon, especially not Sudan or Nigeria. The Falkland Islands, our pastoral outpost of British culture, remains an inviolable piece of British territory, completely protected from the Argentinians. Who knows, perhaps we’ll even become part of a glorious union of European states, all committed to the purposes of sharing culture, progressive ideas, and most importantly the prevention of another war. Everything is jolly, and the world is good. Uncle Harry Britain
Aunty Chardonnay’s Authentic Cookbook ‘It’s not a drinking problem, it’s a drinking solution!’ Hello dears, and welcome to my kitchen! Please ignore the broken glass. Today we will be making a hearty casserole, and one of my personal favourites – Coq au vin! So put down your copies of Spare Rib and get your wifeb- oops, slip of the tongue - eggbeaters out, because it’s time to get cooking! You will need: 1 tbsp olive oil, 3 rashers smoked bacon, 600ml red wine, 12 small shallots, 600ml red wine, 2 chicken legs, a 3rd chicken leg, 2 chicken breasts (saucy), 600ml red wine, 3 garlic clove, 3tbsp brandy, 600ml red wine, chicken stock, 2 tsp tomato purée, herbs to season. 1. Now that you’ve gathered your ingredients, why not treat yourself to a glass of wine? 2. Wow, that wine really hits the spot and helps you forget about the mundanity of your life in domestic servitude. If only you had more options available to you – oh, what am I talking about? Ah, here’s some more wine! 3. Panfry the shallots and bacon, while staring out of the window, hoping dinner will be ready before the husband gets back. Don’t forget what happened last time. 4. I’ll just put that coq (get it, cock!) in my oven. Oh, would you look at that, time for wine! 5. Is the wallpaper peeling? Are the walls of your prison crumbling? Is this freedom, or just another chore to get around to? 6. Ah, more wine! Maybe even a dash in the pan! 7. Take out the legs, watching for any juices. Take the breasts out and rest them on your rack. 8. Drink more wine and cry. 9. As your husband pulls into the drive, hide the knives and courgette. Thank you for joining me in my kitchen. I hope you and your family enjoy this delicious dish, and remember: If you can’t be a doctor you can always just get shitfaced. Join me next time where I will show you how to keep your sponge moist and your buns firm. Aunty Chardonnay