The Lemon Press – Issue 34

Reading this in the library? Do some fucking work.

Editors' Introduction The darkness of winter frequently brings mishaps and danger.

Picking up this freshly squeezed issue of The Lemon Press, however, may be the best thing you do all winter. Sod Christmas, 32 pages of satire is a much better thing – and if you’re not the coal-getting sort, you can always use this issue (once read, preferably) to stay warm through the cold winter nights.

Naturally, of course, we’ll be relying upon a vast array of boilers, double glazing, and woollen jumpers, but out of the generosity of our own hearts we provide this life-giving warmth to you, dear reader. And as a sign of just how much we love your warm bodies (gosh, they’re so warm, and full of organs), the ink we’ve used to print the satire on is HIGHLY combustible.

Still, don’t be too hasty to throw this earnest little rag into the flames! Read on to see what wonderful things we’ve squeezed out of the latest crop of lemon contributors. (Spoiler alert: the long summer spent tenderly shovelling manure and singing growing lullabies has just about paid off.) Peruse our News & Politics articles, contemplate your Campus, learn the latest from Lifestyle, and much, much more. If you have a craving for lemony satire, we’ve got you covered.

It’s at this point that a more banal, lower-class, dreadful sort of editors’ introduction would use a quotation from a popular fantasy show about ‘winter’ or ‘the night’ being dark. We’re better than that, and you’re better than that. This winter, stand up for decency. Stand up for opening a door for someone, for not skateboarding if you’re over 13, and above all else, stand up for unwaxed lemons. Because if we can’t do that, are we not no more than animals?

Yours irritably, Izzy & Henry

Which Editor Should We Drown?

Last issue we put our editors’ lives in your hands by letting you vote to drown them.

We haven't actually checked the results but with the debtors hungry at the door we can't afford to keep them both for much longer.

That's why we're going to drown one of them at the end of 2017 in some lemony pagan ritual.

To vote simply tweet to @thelemonpress with either: #EndIzzy to send our accursed grammatical matriarch to a watery grave. #DamnDyer to fill our spectacled overlord's lungs with the green deluge of death.

Please do hurry, we have thirty voicemails from the stock market bloke with an intimidating henchman and a shiny briefcase.

Vote Now.

Hold onto your hats...

Contents

Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Arts Science & Tech Features Sports Letters Puzzles & Horoscopes

pp 3‐10 pp 11‐16 pp 17 pp 18‐20 pp 21‐22 pp 23‐26 pp 27‐28 pp 29 pp 30

The Lemon Press Staff

Editors: Izzy Palmer and Henry Dyer Deputy Editors: Marvin Drury and Lucy Finnighan Sub Editor: Taghreed Ayaz Print Editor Emeritus: Dr. G. Bramoli (requiescat in pace) Campus Editors: Sioned Gill and Hal Bowden News & Politics Editors: Harry Clay and Durrah Afyouni Lifestyle Editor: Kathryn Sandercock Science & Tech Editor: Mark Matthews Arts Editor: Lara Medlam Features Editor: Marvin Drury Sports Editor: Cole Smith Illustrators: Sid Leigh (Front and Back Cover), Izzy Palmer (Back Cover), and Henry Dyer, Ellie Grana, and Taghreed Ayaz (Various) President: Myles Dunnett Treasurer: Alex Campbell Secretary: Leusa Lloyd Vice-President: Gregory Waddell Deputy Treasurer: Cole Smith Social Secretary: Ellie Grana Ordinary Members: Hal Bowden and Pasky Miranda Contributors: Giles Beattie, Matt Harwood, Michael Davies, Tom Davies (no relation), Chay Quinn, Samuel Goodall, Sid Leigh, Alfie Gerzimbke, and Louis Jani.

Contact the editors at: thelemonpresseditor@gmail.com Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 6th November 2017.

Contents

2

When does a panini get too cold?

No, Chris Heaton‐Harris, I Will Not Tell You About the University's Secret Brexit Indoctrination Scheme, Writes Vice Chancellor

Koen Lamberts Behind the bins Heslington Hall York YO10 5DD Chris Heaton-Harris MP House of BASTARDS London SW1A 0AA Dear Mr Heaton-Harris, Thank you very much for your letter printed on finest House of Commons letterheaded paper. I hope this letter, printed on finest 1gsm Tork papiere de toilette, finds you well. Just kidding, I hope you've got some sort of terrible not non-terminal malady. Testicular torsion, for instance. Poor David. He had that. Don't include that bit. Your letter was very rude. For one, you are challenging the democratic freedom of universities to discuss whatever we like, such as 'Where should the executive board go on holiday?', 'She said what?', and 'You put what on expenses? And they believed you?! Those idiots.' This is extremely disrespectful, and I will be writing to your mother to get her to give you a good drubbing (not you, Jo, Chris). Sorry, I meant, 'academic autonomy' and 'independent critical enquiry'. Don't write that earlier bit down, Jo. Keep the drubbing bit. Continuing: I note you are the MP for Daventry. Well, dear Heaton-Harris, I proffer this question to you: what if Dave was short for Daventry? That's a little joke I read in The Lemon Press, my favourite student publication, some time ago.

Anyhow, to be clear: I will not give you that list. It would require me to send poor Jo away from Heslington Hall and into the great unwashed (we really should sort out the plumbing) masses to go check if we have any lecturers... or any students, for that matter.

And the VLE keeps dying, primarily because Plusnet keep sending me these bills, and they're not getting paid, let me tell you that.

Some unwise investments in Thai beauty salons, and there goes £20k! You know the deal. The rest of the money, of course, is being burnt at great literal expense to keep Heslington Hall warm throughout these cold winter nights. I have to do something with my salary, you know. I will also not be giving you the list of lecturers with expensive furniture that you asked for in a second letter, because, it, err... threatens 'academic freedom'? Yes, yes, that'll do, put that down Jo. On that, I popped a message on the VC's group chat, and apparently no one else got that second letter, so it was just for me.

I hope that the position of the university (53.9455° N, 1.0562° W), and myself (spreadeagled, naked, on a £1200 sofa [with spinning functionality] - Jo.) is now totally clear. If you disagree, pistols at dawn outside Heslington Church. Saul will be my second. I've heard he's good at getting things fired up.

Yours discourteously, Koen Lamberts Noice Chancellor [Vice Chancellor, surely? - Eds.] P.S.: EST EUROPA NUNC UNITA ET UNITA MANEAT

Henry Dyer 3

Campus

Bored of using your eyes?

Is salami Italian?

Entire Student Population Experiences Moment of Total Peace and Transcendence as YUSU Systems Go Down for 12 Minutes

Described by all who experienced it as the single greatest moment of their lives, students at the University of York reflected on the feeling of complete peace that they experienced earlier coinciding with the temporary crash of the YUSU systems and website.

‘I can hardly describe it,’ declared one first year student. ‘From the start of my time here, I have had this creeping feeling of existential dread and the sheer nothingness of existence.

Then for one brief glorious moment, I felt calm and completely content with everything.’ This was a sentiment echoed by all those lucky enough to experience this feeling of peace and togetherness. ‘I was in a pretty intense argument with my flatmates over spoons,’ reported one second year, ‘then this feeling of calm passed over us and we realised we’re all just one connected in this beautiful, infinite cosmos.’

Yet for some the moment was all too short and with systems restored people had to confront the realisation

that they wouldn’t ever get to experience this moment of pure enlightenment again.

Some have even questioned whether it really happened in the first place or if it was some moment of collective hallucination. Others, having had a taste of true happiness and peace, are willing to do anything to get it back, one shrivelled beaten down husk of a third-year pleading, ‘You have to help me please, I’ll do anything, I will murder anyone and anything, just please let me experience that feeling again. Please, God, please…’ before suffering a complete breakdown at the realisation that he would never achieve that level of satisfaction for the rest of his life.

YUSU have released a short statement about the crash: ‘Hey guys! YUSU here, just letting you know that we experienced some technical difficulties today. But fear not!

Our systems were only down temporarily and everything is back up and running now. This means we can get back to doing what we do best, namely, serving and enriching the lives of all our students.

See you around campus!’

Mark Matthews

Therapy Needed to Combat the Horror of Watching Flatmate Eat

Last week a flat in Constantine was driven to near breaking point after several of the inhabitants revealed they felt they needed to undergo severe therapy. They explained, slightly green around the gills, that this was a necessary step for the good of their mental health in the long run, after the trauma of having to sit by and watch the way one of their flatmates ate their dinner. No one was brave enough to offer specifics, but there were some mumblings about slurping sauce off of hair. Heaven help us all.

Izzy Palmer

Campus Students Hurriedly Add Dearly Beloved Leaders on New Facebook Pages REJOICE, Citizens! General Marshals of Glorious York People's Republic have new profiles on Facebook! A thousand blessings upon Kim Jong Urquhart, and his masterful lieutenants. Happy peoples of GYPR become 'followers' and 'like' social media pages of beloved democratically-elected-with-hugemandates leaders.

DO NOT ACCEPT THE LIES OF THE OLD PAGES. Subjects to engage with glorious social media or face sanctions!

Very grateful followers love new technology and twenty-first century cover video of masterful officers demonstrating 'friendliness' and 'playfulness'. Loving public study intently deep philosophy of artwork in profile picture WHICH IS NOT SHOWING HIGH MARSHAL COLLINSON BEING STRANGLED! DO NOT ACCEPT THE LIES OF THE OLD PAGES. Henry 'Juche' Dyer

Ex‐BNOC Might Have Said Something, But We Can’t Tell You What A former University of York BNOC might have said something, but we aren’t allowed to tell you what it was. It may, or may not have, resulted in some consternation from the addressee. It may, or may not have, resulted in the dismissal of the addresser from employment. But we cannot confirm what was said. Indeed, we cannot confirm if anything was said.

But rest assured, if something was said, and we can’t tell you if it was, then it may or may not have caused an issue that may or may not have been an issue. Essentially, something, that may or may not have happened may or may not have caused someone to become offended. The person that may or may not have been offended may or may not have been rather annoyed. This might (but, note, might not) have become an issue that may, but may not, have resulted in a lot of interest from media, or indeed, notmedia, societies.

All we know is that we’re not allowed to tell you. AND THAT’S ALL WE KNOW. OR DON’T KNOW. We may or may not be allowed to print this.

Myles Dunnett? (Maybe?)

Tune into our URY radio show: Saturdays at 3pm.

Campus

4

Strictly Come Dancing is rigged. now signed to Red Bull Records worldwide.' - Bucks Students' Union, 5th October 2017

Exclusive to The Yorker: FLAWES to Come to Campus 'Who? Who?', you ask, presumably about both of them. Keen readers of The Yorker will have seen their scoop of this huge musical event already described by a person who was definitely not FLAWES' publicist as 'bigger than Live Aid'. Whilst The Yorker deigned to inform readers that the interview was part of 'a series of syndicated interviews' [Press releases, surely? - Eds.], it still made sure to inform readers about 'the trio’s gift for dark, altelectronica and huge soulful, pop choruses' and their 'worldwide deal' with 'Red Bull Records'.

This astonishing demonstration of musical criticism, publication date 16th October 2017, by The Yorker (tagline: 'Independent and Online') is not to be confused with any of the following: 'The trio’s gift for dark, altelectronica and huge soulful, pop choruses didn’t go unnoticed and FLAWES are now signed to Red Bull Records worldwide.' - Royal Holloway Students' Union, 5th October 2017 'The trio’s gift for dark, altelectronica and huge soulful, pop choruses didn’t go unnoticed and FLAWES are

5

Campus

'The trio’s gift for dark, altelectronica and huge soulful, pop choruses didn’t go unnoticed and FLAWES are now signed to Red Bull Records worldwide.' Northampton Chronicle & Echo, 4th October 2017 'The trio’s gift for dark, altelectronica and huge soulful, pop choruses didn’t go unnoticed and FLAWES are now signed to Red Bull Records worldwide.' WithGuitars.com, 4th October 2017 'The trio’s gift for dark, altelectronica and huge soulful, pop choruses didn’t go unnoticed and FLAWES are now signed to Red Bull Records worldwide.' MusicMafiaUK.com, 3rd October 2017 'The trio’s gift for dark, altelectronica and huge soulful, pop choruses didn’t go unnoticed and FLAWES are now signed to Red Bull Records worldwide.' - Queen Mary Students' Union, unknown As ever York Vision led the way in ethical student journalism by deciding not to straight up copy and paste bits of the press release, and at least used the thesaurus tool for parts of their rehash.

They're not most awarded for nothing!

Henry Dyer

Nouse, York Vision, and The Yorker Readership in Jeopardy as The Lemon Press’ Writers Go on Sabbatical As The Lemon Press writers’ room prepares to vacate York to hold their annual monthlong round robin tournament of Risk, (well it is the kind of thing we’d do) [Risk is a shit game. Dreadful. - Eds.], the ‘serious’ student papers find themselves wondering if anyone will actually read their articles solely for pleasure now, rather than in order to find new material to mock, (sorry, ‘satirise’).

One Nouse correspondent when reached for comment confidently affirmed, ‘Well, it’ll be a slow month, naturally, but of course there’ll be other readers; I always pretend to care about what my housemate does, he’s obliged to return the favour.’ His housemate, when asked for confirmation of this, gave me a rather puzzled look and retreated cautiously back into his bedroom, locking the door behind himself.

York Vision was much more alarmed. ‘Wait, you mean people were actually reading this shit? Oh god, tell me the articles don’t show their authors’ names!’ That journalist was promptly relieved by my assurance that only The Lemon Press staff with writers’ block read them, and we don’t technically qualify as ‘people.’ Well, not according to the strictest legal definition anyway. I know I

certainly don’t, at least.

The most sensible response to this development came from the staff at The Yorker, who cheerfully declared, ‘We welcome the news. With all these excess copies lying around, I’ll save a fortune on rolling papers, not to mention finally get around to finishing that private fort I’ve been using all the other issues to build.’ I agreed that this was a sagacious response to the development and was then promptly physically escorted from their property, after attempting to set fire to the soon-to-be unveiled Yorker Minster.

Giles Beattie

Highlighting Campus Society Successes: York Vision Hats off to the UK's most awarded student newspaper (etc. etc.) for achieving one of the highest turnovers of any media group in the world! Yes, that's right, the turnover of their editorial staff has skyrocketed - as the number of editions printed plummets.

Have you seen an issue this term? If you have, write in to thelemonpresseditor@gmail.c om for 20% off the next issue of TLP. Only the university's UKIP society (and UKIP itself) goes through leaders faster.

Reports indicate one of the next editors might only get three words into their first leader column before resigning. Elections for senior editorial positions of TUKMASN will be held this Thursday. And next Thursday.

And the Thursday after that.

Chapeau!

Henry Dyer

Indulge the Zucc!

#JusticeForAston

Budget Cuts Force Freshers to Use Brains Cuts to departmental stationery budgets has led to a reduction in the numbers of spoons, which students rely on for being ‘spoon-fed’. The cuts are reported to be university-wide, with the most badly affected said to be the overpaying fresher, who relies on this humble utensil to be ‘spoon-fed’ basic information deriving from complex common sense.

One of such freshers, who spoke to The Lemon Press, said ‘I just wanna pay ma fee, get ma degree and not do ma laundry. I don’t want nothing of this using my brain and challenging learning…’

When approached for interview, others remained despondent and hungover, preferring the company of their phone screen over the prospect of real human contact.

2nd and 3rd years are also said to be affected, however the effect is reported to be less severe due to large numbers of the students having taken an optional module on ‘Common sense and your fellow man: learning alone’, in which student learnt the difficult skills of talking, listening, and using their brains in order to further their prospects of employment in the actual, real life world.

The Department for Real Life Problems could not be reached.

However, the Department of Ignorance has called for a whole review into the crisis and hopes to resolve the issue with long term rationing of all spoons campus wide (and a return to communism).

Sioned Gill

New Speech Recognition Software Provides First Ever University Lecture Transcript Intellecture, the new beta-stage transcription software which uses cutting-edge speech recognition software, has produced its first ever transcript this week during a lecture at the University of York. Some experts in the field of speech recognition doubt the technology's capabilities, but the results during this week's testing phase have proved surprisingly accurate.

The following is an extract from the transcript: Around 150 BC *cough*, Mesopotamia was under the control of the Parthian Empire. Mesopota*cough*mia became a battleground between the Romans and Parthians, with western *sputter*parts of*sputter* Mesopotamia*cough* coming under ephemeral Roman co*cough*ntrol. *sniffle* Dylan In AD 226, *cough*eastern part of it fell to the Sassanid Persians. Division of Mesopotamia betw*cough*een Roman Oy, Dylan (*sputter* from AD 395) and Sassanid Empires lasted until the 7th ce*sniffle*ntury Muslim

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Whole Worlds Spawn, Grow, and Decay in the Pause Between Tutors Asking Question and Students Replying Scientists at the University of York have discovered that in the time it takes for any of the tired, apathetic students sitting drearily in a semi-circle during seminars to answer a single goddamn question, tiny universes blossom and die. In the stretching, painful silence, they live out their days. The quiet stretches on and on, stirringly painful, as the tutor glances from slack-jawed student to slack-jawed student, praying for even the weakest of answers, the unceasing ticking of the clock the only reminder of the restraints of time. In the same moment is the silent, minuscule, living: worlds and nations, hopes and dreams, all developing. They are multiplying in miniature within each dust mite sent spiralling into the air by bored huffs of breath.

Someone sniffs and snorts wetly, then quickly ducks their head to avoid catching the tutor’s eye. Fire is discovered, horses tamed, agriculture spreading at speeds near unimaginable, as students shift and cough and scratch awkwardly at their eyebrows. Industrial revolutions spring into being, wars are fought, homes are made, and still the tutor waits. To the silent backdrop of heart-stopping nuclear devastation and natural disasters, students drop their mouths open into bare-faced yawns, eyes unseeing, as civilisations crumble and billions fall to their knees and die. Finally, at long last, unaware that they sit in the awful echo of unfathomable desolation, someone clears their throat, and offers a barely thought-out reply. The tutor twitches.

The process must begin again.

Izzy Palmer conquest of Persia of the Sas*cough*anian Empire Dylan! and Muslim conqu*sputter*est of the Levant from Byzantines. Dylan I dropped my pen lid could you just? Cheers, yeah. A *sputte*sputter*r*number of primarily neo‐Assyrian and Christian nati*cough*ve Meso*sniffle*potamian I have to piss so badly states *cough*existed between the 1st century BC and 3rd century AD, including Adiabene, Osroene, and Hatra.

Michael Davies

Chilling Library Message Revealed

Henry Dyer

Campus

6

Bake Off is actually rigged...

Local University Student Arrested for Raiding Multiple Clubs and Bars An unnamed student has been taken into police custody as of Friday afternoon, after causing havoc within the city centre of York the night before. His rampage consisted of storming into multiple establishments (including Salvation, Pop World, and Fibbers), stealing all of the alcohol and money, stabbing the men and kidnapping the women, then leaving after setting the place on fire. While the student hasn’t been identified by the press, he has been described as having a thick ginger beard and wearing a horned helmet. The person to have given this description states that they saw the student, along with presumably a housemate, who asked him what he thought the Viking Raid actually was.

Lucy Finnighan

How to Spot a Fresher ‐ the Basics

1. Yes, this is still relevant

4. Confusion

This is one topical bit that just won't go away. Fight me.

Do not confuse the common fresher with a sentient being, for they are merely undead barely-adults abusing the first taste of freedom and responsibility they've ever had. Any attempt to interact will prove useless. Spare yourself, and just get another ale. While you're at it, tip the bartender, they need it.

2. Drunk on the weekdays Are you binge drinking at your nearby bar wondering why you thought university was the right step to take in this short, cruel life you've acquired? Perfect. To make it even better, turn around and watch as we - the youth - spend what little time we have to get our life together, and set the course for our education, getting shitfaced on a Tuesday night. That's right, we're all each other's sloppy seconds.

3. Pride If you have ever come about a drunken mess of a barely 18 year old, and wondered: is that a fresher? IN THE FLESH? A good test is to yell out "GO DERWENT". Any response may suffice as a confirmation.

Reactions may include: "fuck Derwent", "go (literally any other college)", "Derwent has asbestos", or even just a sarcastic laugh.

Cause let's face it, you only give a fuck about your college for like the first term.

Disappointingly Limp Handshake Made Worse by Prospect of Contagion According to reports, two coursemates during freshers' week found themselves shaking hands as a means of introduction, but both parties have admitted to underperformance in interviews.

5. Directions Did you just get stopped on your way back from the lecture you're skipping because you realised it's not worth it - for directions? Here's some advice: tell them you're from St. John's.

They'll get both aggravated and confused, kind of like morning wood. Best scenario; they spit at you and walk away. Ah animosity - that's the real college experience.

6. The club Now I could go on for hours about the bars and "clubs" you should be avoiding. These include, but are not limited to: Salvation, Kuda, Society, Revs, etc. But instead, take this: see that guy simultaneously sweating through, and freezing in a shirt that says: JAMES FOR LIFE, or possibly HALIFAX TILL I DIE, yeah that’s either a) a fresher that has yet to understand homeostasis, or b) a third year too lazy to do their laundry.

Feel free to add points, frankly there are too many for me to write down so I'm making you do all the work.

Durrah Afyouni

‘It was akin to two discounted steaks rubbing up against each other feebly,’ says a bystander, who wishes to remain nameless.

‘As far as first impressions go, I doubt that these lads can have any sort of lasting friendship after that display.’

The individuals involved have been spotted bedridden and misanthropic after contracting freshers' flu. Although we can't be sure that the event was directly involved in spreading the virus, The Lemon Press suspects that this is the case.

Michael Davies 7

Campus

Everytime someone likes our Facebook page...

...the one in the middle always wins.

Vanbrugh College Once Again Refuses to Change Logo Vanbrugh College has once again ignored a petition from students, asking for a logo that isn’t utterly hideous.

‘It’s disgusting,’ said one student who had signed the petition. ‘It doesn’t look anything like the others, and it makes me ashamed to be a member of the college.’

Other students agreed. ‘I was considering buying a Vanbrugh hoodie, but I saw it had the Vanbrugh logo on it, and immediately changed my mind. No way am I wearing anything with that repulsive design on it.’

A representative from Vanbrugh defended the logo, saying: ‘We had it professionally designed. It’s a modern, up-to-date design that shows what makes Vanbrugh great and different from the other colleges. It represents us in a way that other college logos don’t, and we’re proud to have it.’

However, students weren’t convinced. ‘They had it professionally made?’ said one student. ‘Seriously? I could make something better in half an hour on MS Paint.’

Hal Bowden

It’s Not Christmas Yet, You Shits

The Lemon Press is seriously considering launching a campuswide investigation into why everyone seems to think it’s okay to rag on about Christmas before we’ve even hit advent. Don’t you fools know it’s bad luck to sing Christmas carols at the wrong time of year? You’re bringing down torrents of negative juju! I shudder to hear choral requests for figgy pudding and harmonious intentions of comfort and joy. The lot of you should be ashamed! Disgusted! We’ve barely passed the ritualistic burning of depictions of a historic terrorist yet: the fixation should be on wrapping potatoes in tinfoil and baking them in the embers of bonfires. We should not be singing for another month – rather, ominously chanting reminders of gunpowder, treason, and plot. Exclamations of whimsy should be in reaction to the loud colourful bangs of fireworks as domestic animals wail, not at advent calendars you shan’t be opening for weeks. I see you immoral reprobates goggling at the Christmas products in Nisa and I judge, sirs. I judge. The sickly spread of premature seasonal decoration is a menace we must surely deal with before the whole land is taken over by seizure-inducing twinkly lights and the haunting, endless repetitions of Frosty the Snowman.

Izzy Palmer

Girl Throws Hands with Laptop The University of York campus was thrown into shock earlier this week as a female student was seen in a physical fight with her laptop near central hall. The girl was described to have been in a rabid state, yelling that if it was ready to catch a virus then it better be ready to catch these hands.

We at The Lemon Press questioned her close friends, who had all seen this event coming. According to them she had often threatened to cut it up into little pieces and burn in, occasionally by pointing knives at it.

Once the girl had calmed down we were able to get a statement off her: 'I don't even know why my laptop's so bad. I mean sure, I've filled it with loads of pointless downloads and dropped it a ton of times but that shouldn't affect it at all!'

However, at our suggestion of throwing it out, the girl proceeded to attack one of our reporters. Apparently a laptop is a student's worst enemy until you threaten to take it away.

Lucy Finnighan

Should YUSU Introduce a New Working Class Officer Position?

Charles Cavendish-ffinch The very notion of a ‘working class officer’ is a clear attempt to pander to the masses. Even now, the great unwashed gather outside our gates, demanding entrance; if we bring in a working class officer, it may give them the idea that they are actually welcome here, and demand further privileges, such as education, benefits, or jobs that pay a living wage. Acquiescing to their demands would be preposterous. There are only three places the working class belong: the mines, the factories, and the workhouse. The supposed social mobility afforded by a university education would be completely inappropriate for someone whose only role in life is to provide for others. They’re called the ‘working’ class for a reason. When they change their name to the ‘learning’ class, then we might consider allowing them into our cities of dreaming spires - but until then, they should stick to what they know.

Maurice Featherstonehaugh While I do support the introduction of a working class officer, the fact remains that they simply do not have the mental capacity for that kind of leadership role. Any working class student that managed to make their way to university would be struggling far too hard under the workload to have any time to assist other students in their problems. For that reason, I nominate someone who I know would be able to provide all the assistance they require to advance up the ladder of social classes to the middle class (which is, of course, their only true desire in life): myself. As someone who knows the struggles of being both financially secure and well educated, I can relate to the poor, illiterate creatures that come to our doorstep, and can guide them towards the light. These are not monsters to be trodden down into the dirt - these are our brothers and sisters. Our smelly, inferior brothers and sisters.

Hal Bowden

...I become one step closer to fulfillment.

Campus

8

Anyone got advice for surviving liquidation on the stock market? Asking for a friend.

Exposé: University of York Overrun by eDgY Hipster Wankers

Student Eaten by Demon Because He Didn’t Pick a Career Quick Enough

The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that the University of York has been taken over by a horde of Hipster Wankers, as reported by an anonymous undercover reporter. Whilst undertaking secret surveillance in a cafe known for hipster debauchery, conversations were overheard of a nature so stereotypical that our brave agent became close to nausea and bouts of outright hysterical laughter. The two subjects in question began by discussing a so-called 'Tarantino Party' ('Pulp Fiction is just so fucking weird but so fucking amazing'), followed by health and fitness ('I feel like there's this stereotype of vegans who do crossfit?' 'Yeah my brother's like that'), and musings about the state of modern music ('Most music on the radio right now is, like, Latin? And I hate it, I hate it so much. Do you know Patti Smith? Well I just started listening to this weird stuff she reccommended - you know Lou Reed? That song 'Heroin'? Yeah that's really good. I have quite weird music taste, I know most people don't like what I listen to so I can't be fucked to share it with them. Do you know Sonic Youth?'). If you come across a group of Hipster Wankers, dear readers, avoid them at all costs.

And don't forget to send in your transcripts of their conversations so we can all moc - I mean satirise them.

Anon.

Academics up and down the United Kingdom are feeling solemnly gratified as their words of warning have come true.

Many have spent years of their life warning students to take heed and protect themselves by selecting a career path. ‘The best way to be sure you are protected,’ warned one haggard old historian, ‘is to try and get work experience, to demonstrate that you’re trying. I always tell students: if you really want to be safe, hide career advice pamphlets under your pillow. Pin your CV to your doorway, right below the lamb’s blood. We must not take chances with the demon.’

Student Claims, ‘This is the Year I’ll Get It Together’; Is Proven Wrong yet Again As the new autumn term rolls around, students are hit with a sense of productivity.

Determined to do all of their reading, show up even to 9am lectures, and still get shitfaced to the point of nearly dying every weekend, students confidently set high goals for themselves.

continually expect the new year to be their best yet, but sometimes even within 48 hours of term starting we have to board up accommodation windows to stop them from throwing themselves out.’

One student, aged 20, gave us a quick statement in between eating their pot-noodle that they swore, ‘was only for emergencies; I’m cooking proper meals this year’.

However, as per usual, by the second week the average student has given up on these expectations, and simply wishes that they remember to bring a pen to the odd lecture they go to.

‘I mean sure, I missed the second lecture I had,’ they claimed, ‘but that was just a one-off thing. I’ll just listen to the recording online, then make sure I go to the others.

It’s fine. This year’s gonna be great.’

‘It’s astounding,’ claims a local Professor of Psychology.

‘Constant studies have proven that university students

The student and I both know that she’s lying. Because that student is me. Please help me.

Lucy Finnighan

9

Campus

Unfortunately, one student evidently did. His supervisor, frequently making the sign of the cross, revealed more. ‘If only he’d gone for a walk for an hour without his phone,’ he lamented. ‘The poor boy might have been struck by an epiphany… but alas. He didn’t even use the ten minutes I gave the group when I left the room for a moment. Why didn’t he use that time to give the issue some thought? Oh, Jeremy, you fool!

The wrath of the career demon waits for no man!’

Next issue, look for our free pamphlet on Keeping the Demon at Bay. Also, if there are any demons reading this, I’ve. Um. Picked a career.

Izzy Palmer (unemployed)

The Lemon Press Asks: Is University Worth It ﴾Economically﴿

?

Is soft drug use and a sense of superiority worth more than 3/4/5/7 good years of debt free income and guilt free masturbation: well at least consider the criteria, primitive urges versus access to pretentious references; in addition to correct use of semicolons, which gives me more satisfaction? let us first consider the universal human concept of guilt, as a catholic my concept of guilt is centred around what I can get away with without scandal; university is accepted, working for your money less so, meritocracy is a kind of privilege that the bouncers at york clubs don't appreciate: is a series of statements technically an article: let's see if they don't have any better content to publish: wu tang clan ain't button to fuck with; waterfowl asbestos meme; please don't s­section me.

Matt Harwood (not mad)

Guy Fawkes Looks at His Cursed Barrels of Gunpowder Underneath Parliament ﴾4th November 1605, colourised﴿

Cleanse your Twitter feed: unfollow everyone.

A lump of coal a day keeps Santa away.

Student Peer Pressured Into Offensive Halloween Costume, Dies of Heatstroke in Shithole Club

Pleasant Conversation at Laundromat Interrupted by Sighting of Unmistakable Jizz and Shit Stains on Garments

The Lemon Press can reveal that a young man has died of heatstroke after having been talked into attending a Halloween club night with his obnoxious flatmates.

At 7:59pm GMT last night, two strangers were reportedly engaged in an extensive and amicable conversation in the Constantine Forum Laundry Room. According to reports, the conversation spanned many topics, including common pastimes and HBO television series.

The parents of the man are 'deeply distraught' but also 'acutely embarrassed' that their son was found dead in a club toilet dressed as a racist werewolf. His flatmates had been trying for weeks to convince the man to join in with their group theme of 'Halloween costumes that are deeply problematic, but not in the traditional sense'.

One girl from the group explained the concept: 'We really tried this year, after reading lots and lots of Buzzfeed articles about it, to avoid offending people through cultural appropriation - you know, like native American outfits, geishas, or Belgians.’ Instead, the group opted for inventively offensive twists on old classics, such as 'vampire gollywog', 'Nazi fairy godmother', and 'sexy witch Ken Livingstone'.

Following weeks of annoyance and countless invites to events all claiming to be the 'biggest', the 'best', or 'most lit', he finally gave up, swayed by cheap drinks offers and the faint hope that the pestering will end. Despite 'feeling clammy and nauseous' in the first bar they went to, he continued on, having knocked back 12 and a half Jägerbombs. Arriving at the club just in time for the drinks offer, they each had a further 15 and a quarter Jägerbombs.

Details from the night are still emerging as witnesses recover from their hangovers, but it is clear the costume had more to do with the man's death than the drinks; the police investigation has confirmed that 'all Jägerbombs are watered down shite, and half the places don't even use Red Bull'.

Louis Jani

Is Your Housemate a Cannibal?

A Quick Guide:

- Largely carnivorous diet.

- Cooks mysterious looking sausages on a regular basis.

- Takes up more freezer space than is allocated.

- Goes on to complain about lack of said freezer space.

- You catch them staring at you, but, upon discovery, they stare longingly out the window.

- Listens to Nickelback.

- Nickname in the flat chat is Der Metzgermeister.

- Asks if you’ve ever tried intestine.

- Imports absinthe as beverage of choice.

- Inhales deeply when behind you.

- Smells like corned beef.

Kathryn Sandercock

Then follow us instead ﴾@thelemonpress﴿

Whilst one party was loading the washing machine, however, spirits came to a grinding halt as it appeared his undergarments suffered minute defecation and other Jackson Pollock-like treatments.

‘I swear this never happens,’ the individual said to The Lemon Press. ‘It was just a bum scratch that got out of hand.’ Needless to say that the two parties have not been in correspondence since.

Michael Davies

University of York Freshers Found to Have ‘Murder Chart’ in University Owned Accommodation ‘Human hunting cannibal’ is a surprising new addition to the list of archetypal personalities that appear in first year university students. In an attempt to one up previous years’ freshers' clawing attempts for social acceptance, a flat in Halifax College has not opted for the more traditional methods of substance abuse and bullshit stories, but instead opted for a competitive delve into a hunt for the most dangerous game in a quest to to sharpen their edge.

The idea apparently came during a pre-drinks during freshers week: a resident stated that after a ‘monumental sesh’, the flat had tried bath salts and subsequently ‘stripped a club promoter to the bone’. After gaining what is colloquially known as ‘the hunger’, the flat proceeded to make a chart to keep track of their kills and provide entertainment in the run up to a night out. ‘At least it's less awkward than Never Have I Ever,’ conceded a student in another college.

The flat’s behaviour garnered some controversy after pictures of the students painting satanic symbols with the blood of their victims on the walls of the Exhibition Centre, as well as engaging in Manson family style ‘blood orgies’ in the Drama Barn, ended up on social media. When asked for a comment on the students’ behaviour, the university administration commented: ‘Well, it's not like they were writing hate slogans on the wall, was it?’ Later evidence put into question whether the blood orgies were the actions of the aforementioned students later, or an overzealous enactment of an ODN for the university’s drama society.

Matt Harwood

Campus

10

If you flip the pages quickly, you can animate a diorama of your own death.

Hurricane Ophelia Described as ‘Pretty Nice Actually’ Hurricane Ophelia crossed over the UK this week, and while it had technically lowered to 'storm' level by the time it reached us, fears were still high.

However, here in York those who were there on the day of the hurricane were quoted that they thought it 'wasn't that bad'.

'We'd bricked up all our windows and refused to step outside for weeks, but turns out nobody could really tell anything was happening', stated one middle aged mother.

Many others claimed the same, having stocked up on food in paranoia while joining Facebook events such as 'Fidget spinner hurricane Ophelia so it starts turning the other way', but realising that all that happened was it was a tad windy and the sky looked pretty.

'The effects were pretty nice actually,' continued the mother, 'the sky was perfect for photos and it brought the family together through memes. I honestly don't know what those people in Puerto Rico are complaining about. Hurricanes aren't so bad.'

Hurricane Ophelia watch will continue, with our reporters chasing the storm down with microphones asking for an interview.

Lucy Finnighan

Local Man Hurriedly Adding 12 Edges to Round Pound Coins Scenes of devastation and havoc were met today by the calm genius of Mick Pound from Dunnington, just outside York. The modern-day Einstein was spotted with a collection of round pound coins in the hours leading up to their loss of status as legal tender. Meanwhile, the baying populace of North Yorkshire rushed for the supermarkets to uncharacteristically spend more than £10 in a single sitting. Taking to the coins with an angle grinder, Mr Pound announced that he had heard that 'old round coins weren't to be legal anymore, so I decided to take t'angle grinder and add 12 edges to them, so that I could spend them in bookmakers on races, and other such business. Quite a simple solution when you think about it.'

As our reporter interviewed Mr Pound, a series of cars showed up. The first was from Harvard Business School, offering him a professorship in Economics. The second was from the Bank of England. Mark Carney stepped out smartly before trying to strike up a conversation with Mr Pound only to be utterly confused by the dialect. A discordant mob of Yorkshire devolutionists with allies from the Catalonian movement and Scottish nationalists told him to (and we paraphrase) 'get tae fuck, hombre, Bank of Yorkshire only, ee by gum'. The last car was from Number 10.

11

News & Politics

Source of Theresa May's Cough Revealed to Be Demonic Entity Attempting to Escape via Oesophagus After Theresa May's speech at the Conservative Party Conference, which was unanimously praised by all media outlets, NHS experts have weighed in on the nature of the cough that caused so much trouble in the otherwise exuberant address to the Conservative Party.

‘One might assume it is a normal cough,’ says Jeremy Tangfastic MD ‘but if you look closely at the footage you can clearly see tendrils of black necro-plasma attempting to escape May's body, which would be acting as host.’

The nature of the demon is yet to be precisely identified, though experts have described it as ‘Lovecraftian’ and ‘thoroughly eldritch’. However, doctors say that the demonic presence within her should not interfere with the devil on her shoulder.

Michael Davies

Theresa May to Appear on Rear of New £50 Bank Note The Royal Mint has revealed today that in the wake of her speech, Theresa May will be taking her place on the back of the new £50 note design.

‘She may have called a completely unnecessary election whereby she squandered millions of the taxpayer's money on losing her majority and then another billion to pay off a fringe party most people on mainland Britain have never heard of, so that they will prop up her government, all of which occurring during a vital time during the finite negotiation window of the most important event the UK will ever undergo in a generation... BUT, she did bravely do a speech in spite of needing a Soother or two so she's now basically Churchill.’

Pasky Miranda Mr Pound is now the new Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Psychologists interested in nominative determinism are said to be 'overjoyed' at the news. His first action will be to cut the value off each pound coin, sending it plummet— oh. Too late.

Henry Dyer

Frequent hot takes on Facebook...

Click here for meet single Greek politicians in your area.

Duchess of Cambridge Suffering from Rare and Unknown Illness The Duchess of Cambridge is suffering from an illness that has confounded her personal physicians. The Duchess’s Obstetrician, Doctor Harley McStreet, said that the illness consisted of ‘bouts of severe regal vomiting in the morning – discharged in a most majestic manner, of course. Sometimes this gastric distress continues throughout the day. Her Royal Highness appears to be in some mental distemper also, and keeps shouting: ‘there is a person growing inside of me – get it out, get it out!’ I have seldom seen such a confounding set of symptoms present in such a healthy and majestic subject as she.’

Doctor McStreet later added that ‘she’s getting quite fat, too.’

The British press has speculated for some time about what the illness could be. A columnist for the Daily Mail, Richard Littlepenis, suggested that the mystery ailment was something that ‘no other woman has ever experienced. The poor, poor Duchess is experiencing terrible fits of emesis that no other woman could possibly ever comprehend.’ All over the world, outpourings of sympathy have reached the bedside of her most splendid Highness, who, struck down in the prime of life, has received them with dignity, grace, and humility.

That Grocer Heath Interview in Full Our journalists got exclusive sight of the transcript from Wiltshire Police's interview with actual former Prime Minister and alleged Prime Nonce, Ted 'Gross-er' Heath.

Det. Chief Superintendent Pete Dough: We've had some allegations that you had sexual encounters with under-16s during the 1960s.

Sir Edward Heath's Corpse: [...]

DCS Dough: Do you deny the charges? You are under caution.

Corpse: [A rotting arm falls off.]

DCS Dough: Listen, sir, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way.

Corpse: [Continues to decompose, silently] DCS Dough: Alright, you want it the hard way. Time to take a little trip down the stairs.

Henry Dyer

Sadly, as always, there are those determined to play-down the sufferings of the Duchess. In The Times, Caitlin Moron made the vulgar suggestion that Her Most Resplendent Highness is actually ‘pregnant’, and ‘suffering morning sickness of the sort that every person with a living fetus inside of them might experience.’ However, St James’s Palace was quick to dismiss this most upsetting theory.

Myles Dunnett

JFK Files Cover‐Up: Kennedy Not Shot, His Head Exploded Because He ‘Had a Really Good Idea’ After over 50 years, the FBI files detailing the truth behind the death of John F. Kennedy, the 35th president of the USA, have been revealed by the Trump Administration – and the shocking truth is finally out.

According to Lance B. Goldenberg, head of the FBI at the time of Kennedy’s assassination in 1963, Lee Harvey Oswald did not, as had been the official government stance for so long, shoot Kennedy on that fateful November day – rather, to quote Goldenberg: ‘The President just had a really promising idea. You know sometimes how people picture lightbulbs above their heads when they come up with something? Think that, but bigger.’

According to head neurosurgeon James Moran, this is entirely possible. ‘It’s obvious, really,’ he told The Lemon Press. ‘I’m surprised people didn’t figure it out years ago. You have to remember that these weren’t regular ideas, the type you or I might have. Kennedy’s ideas would have been thousands of times more powerful, as the leader of the Free World.’

Alfie Gerzimbke

...so don't miss out!

News & Politics

12

Do you have a less deadly cheese?

Donald Trump Strongly Considering Larry Flynt's $10 Million Offer for Information Leading to His Impeachment WASHINGTON D.C. - Deep inside the West Wing, discussions are underfoot between the President and senior aides, as to whether or not he should leak documents (regardless of if they're genuine) to Larry Flynt. Flynt, the American pornographic publisher responsible for titles such as Hustler, placed a fullpage ad in the Washington Post offering $10 million to anyone who provides information leading to Trump's impeachment.

The ponderous reasoning that Trump reportedly has for this is that 'you know, $10 million, it's not much, but it's easy money, and I'm not a chump.

Loads of people tell me, they say, Donald, you're not a chump, you're a Trump. And they're not wrong. They're very smart people, not as smart as me, but pretty smart.

So it's a smart thing to take this easy money. And I'm a smart guy, the smartest guy, everyone says so.'

No one in the White House was willing to speak on the record about this, but rumours in Washington suggest ranking officials in the Secret Service are considering the offer in order to pay for the huge debt being run up to cover Trump's security detail in D.C. and the golf courses he spends much of his time at.

Henry Dyer 13

Gathering of Champagne Socialists Turns into Bloodbath after Discovery Drinks Just Cheap Sparkling Wine In what has been described by one member as the ‘greatest injustice ever perpetrated in the history of civilisation’, a gathering of local Champagne Socialists turned into complete carnage, as members discovered their drinks were only cheap sparkling wine from Aldi.

‘This is worse than the avocado toast incident of 2016,’ declared one participant, who described how the group had fallen into bloody infighting and that the social order had completely broken down as members sought to find the perpetrator of this ‘crime against humanity’. ‘It’s essentially like Mad Max,’ declared the member who was covered in blood and gore, while chewing something that appeared strangely human, but which they assured The Lemon Press was ‘completely organic'.

Latest reports indicate that the few survivors of the conflict have found the perpetrator and executed them as an ‘enemy of the people’ leading to a cooling of tensions. However, rumours that some of the food is not, in fact, organic threaten to once more throw the group into turmoil.

Mark Matthews

Tabloid Article Runs out of Fitting Synonyms Two Lines In Irritation seized readers of a recent tabloid article when the writer clearly ran out of applicable synonyms very early on. The author of the account presumably had little to say and little to bulk up the feature with but differing variations of the same point, so sank to scrolling through thesaurus websites.

The online newspaper story therefore prompted exasperation in those engaging with it when they found the words being used became less and less fitting as the text went on. An inside source, who is a close friend of the columnist, revealed that the wordsmith was driven to perusing online banks of equivalent words in the hope that no one would clock onto the fact that he had little else to say. Our informant, the companion, went on to utter that the penman was put in this position frustratingly often. He divulged that his chum was aware of the vexation aroused by his write-ups, but did not know what else to do. The bosom pal added that his buddy often wished for death when penning reports, tired of endlessly seeking new expressions signifying matching connotation.

The increased confusion caused by his reports as readers peruse on had become a point of shame for the scribe. If only there was sufficient information to prevent him from resorting to metonymy while reiterating the exact sentiment consistently.

Izzy Palmer

News & Politics

EXCLUSIVE: Freshers Flu found to be Tory‐ Funded Supervirus A study out of the prestigious London South Bank University has found that the so-called ‘freshers' flu’, the ailment which afflicts nearly 90% of freshers is an artificial superbug: ‘Boris reesmog’, which has been created by the Conservative Party with an eye to killing off 18-24-year-old voters.

After the attempts to create a 'Tory Glastonbury' to boost young Conservatism crashed like frozen piss out of an aeroplane lavatory, the bug was, reportedly, created using spare parts from Theresa May mixed with one hair off of Boris Johnson's pristine head, to create a virus so hell-bent on destroying the poor, that the only word to describe it is Thathcertastic.

A spokesman for the Conservative Party spoke to The Lemon Press, stating that ‘we acknowledge that some people may view our methods as wrong, but at least this policy was fully costed, and does it really make you want Corbyn as Prime Minister?’.

Chay Quinn

Procrastinate some more with us online...

Remember to dot your i’s and drink your t’s

Marilyn Monroe Moves Grave After the burial of Hugh Hefner in the plot next door, Marilyn Monroe declared that she would be moving her grave to get away from him.

‘He’s a horrible man,’ she said, her rotting corpse perched charmingly on the edge of her grave. ‘He was disgusting in life, so imagine how much worse he’ll be in death.’

When asked where she would go, Ms Monroe just shrugged. ‘I was thinking a Jewish cemetery, given that, you know, I’m Jewish. Other than that, I really don’t know.’

Hal Bowden

Trump: ‘If this gets 1 million retweets I’ll nuke Korea!’

A series of tweets by President Trump in the early hours of the morning seem to have the left the fate of the world in the hands of the President’s Twitter followers. Beginning at 3:07am with the announcement that he was ‘bored and there isn’t anything good on TV', Trump launched into a series of increasingly rambling tweets that included attacks on everything from the liberal media to the concept of squirrels. It was the subject of North Korea, however, and the rogue states continued pursuit of nuclear weapons that really drew the President’s ire. Stating that he was ‘sick and tired of this shit’ Trump then shocked the world in declaring he would attack the Korean peninsula if he got 1 million retweets.

The move immediately sent the White House staff into panic mode with an unnamed source familiar with the situation telling The Lemon Press, ‘it’s total fucking carnage in there’. States of emergency have been declared in Japan and South Korea as the region waits to find out if President Trump follows through on his promise if his target is reached. Not to be outdone North Korea responded with fierce rhetoric of its own claiming that if its leader, Kim Jong-un, got 2 million more followers for his Tumblr page, BRONY4LYF, he would ‘rain hell down on the capitalist American dogs.’

In a hastily arranged press conference, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders sought to diffuse the situation by playing the tweet off as a joke: ‘The President has a great sense of humour and this was just one of the many examples of him showing it. It’s just a joke… I mean could you imagine if he was being serious!’ stated the Press Secretary before chuckling nervously to herself. When questioned if she had been told it was a joke by the President himself Sanders responded ‘No… but I mean… he can’t be serious right, right?’ A journalist followed up with a question of whether the President knew the difference between North Korea and South Korea, the US’s ally, given the tweet simply mentioned Korea to which she replied, ‘The President has many smart people advising him who

...visit thelemonpress.co.uk

worry about that sort of stuff.’ When further pressed on if there was anything that could be done to stop the President’s actions if he wasn’t joking the Press Secretary simply stated, ‘I’m sorry I need to go tell my family I love them’ before promptly leaving the room.

Latest reports from the White House indicate that Vice President Mike Pence and Chief of Staff John Kelly are currently trying to wrestle Trump to the ground in a desperate attempt to retrieve his phone and delete the tweet. An anonymous source told The Lemon Press that Trump was sobbing incoherently and declaring that no one would ever take his ‘precious’ away from him.

Mark Matthews

World Health Organisation Appoints New Goodwill Ambassador The World Health Organisation have appointed Dr Josef Mengele as their new international goodwill ambassador.

The Director-General of the United Nations agency, Dr Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, said in a press conference in Uruguay: ‘I am honoured to be joined by Dr Mengele, who tells me he is from Brazil, despite the German accent. Brazil is a country that places universal Doctor Who? health coverage and health promotion at the centre of its policies to provide healthcare to all, and no one embodies the idea of unprejudiced care more than this angel of a man.’

Dr Mengele, speaking from a well-furnished cave in Rio de Janeiro said that he was ‘honoured and thrilled to be selected for this prestigious role. It has been some time since I practiced medicine, and I think I am ready to get back into the medical world.’ When asked where he last practised medicine, he replied: ‘Ausch–…gentina… yeah, Auschgentina. I mean Argentina.’

Though some in the international community have suggested that Dr Mengele’s appointment is inappropriate, the WHO have responded by pointing out that ‘even if it is the Nazi doctor, at least he actually has medical knowledge, rather than being some lunatic African dictator… for instance’. One commentator said of this response: ‘enormously distasteful, they will never be able to write satire about this, for sure.’

Myles Dunnett

News & Politics

14

Dink Thifferently.

Manufacturers Accidentally Admit to Making Talking Dolls Really Creepy on Purpose Years of suspicion by people all over the world were validated yesterday when the Union of Talking Doll Manufacturers unwittingly revealed that talking dolls are specifically designed to be incredibly unsettling.

The slip occurred during an appearance by the manufacturers’ leader on Good Morning Britain, as he demonstrated the switches on the back of new doll, Daisy Cuddle Friend™. Pointing to the power switch, Mr. Kreap explained that this would turn the doll off, and then seemed to unthinkingly follow said statement up with, ‘Although that won’t stop her from randomly singing lullabies from the bottom of your toy trunk in the dark.’

Registering his mistake, Mr. Kreap tried to backpedal, but the damage was done. Extensive investigations and pressure from above have forced the union to admit that ensuring all talking dolls ‘at least sort of put you on edge’ is standard practice, and their one bit of fun in life. This sheds welcome light on why the singing robotic unicorn I was gifted as a child had such a penchant for saying ‘let’s play a game’ in a slurred, demonic voice just as I was drifting off to sleep.

There have been suggestions and demands that the union face repercussions for decades of childhood trauma and nightmares, although legitimate legal action has yet to be taken. I, for one, seek revenge.

Izzy Palmer

ISIS Disavow McDonald's Szechuan Sauce Unrest

The beleaguered Islamic State has distanced itself from the scenes of mass panic and moral degradation afflicting areas of the West, in the wake of a limited promotion by McDonald's.

Despite having their territory significantly reduced and suffering major defeats, ISIS sources have spent time to disavow the outrage in response to shortages of the szechuan sauce, brought back by McDonald's following a campaign started in the show Rick and Morty.

Commenting through online channels and forums, a spokesman for Al-Baghdadi said: 'Whilst we do seek the death of the West, etcetera, this level of sheer idiocy is simply astounding. It's just soy sauce with a bit of vinegar and some other stuff. We're considering whether or not it's even worth continuing our campaign.'

The disappointed and disappointing mobs which have set up camp outside branches of McDonald's across the USA have hit back at ISIS's criticism, saying that: 'They probably just don't get Rick and Morty, because you do need to have a very high IQ to understand it.' The crowd then went back to chanting 'WE WANT SAUCE', with some members rolling around on the tarmac screaming 'I'm Pickle Rick, look at my amusing and unique persona, haha, I'm a piiickle.'

In other US news: - Biggest mass shooting in recent history - White nationalists return to Charlottesville - Trump continues in heated rhetoric with North Korea - Puerto Rico still 'mostly underwater’ Henry Dyer 15

News & Politics

Noel Edmonds Appointed New Brexit Negotiator

Famed televisual growth, Noel Edmonds, has been appointed as the Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union.

The shocking announcement was made after the untimely deaths of many Conservative frontbenchers: Liam Fox was mauled to death by a pack of foxes; David Davis choked on a cocktail sausage in Brussels; Boris Johnson overheated while in Dover and tumbled over the White Cliffs. Philip Hammond remains alive but has turned so beige he can no longer be seen in neutrally-coloured rooms.

Edmonds, a renowned pre-cancerous lesion, has presented Deal or No Deal since the early fifteenth century. Edmonds was chosen mainly so he can employ his wealth of catchphrases in the following situations: – When sarcastically berating his staff, and bemoaning his lot: ‘the perfect start’.

– As he greets Jean-Claude Juncker: something that rhymes with ‘Hello Banker’.

– When he receives his red box in the morning: ‘this truly is a one box game now’.

– During Parliamentary questions: ‘you’re obsessed with the reds!’

– Every interview: ‘the right deal at the right time’.

– On Question Time: ‘we know what we don’t want to see’.

– In response to questions about what colour Brexit he wants: ‘Make it blue!’

– When trying to cut immigration deals: ‘we do not want to see the quarter of a million’.

– After he makes a speech: ‘who clapped?’

– When he has an in-office meltdown: ‘please join me at the ‘Crazy Chair’ ’.

– Every single meeting in Brussels: ‘Deal or no deal?’

– Shortly afterwards: ‘No deal!’

Myles Dunnett

We're serious! We do a whole hour radio show!

[dinking emoji]

This Winter's Unwanted Political Memoirs Are you looking for a Christmas present for someone you hate, or a weird friend or relative that you don’t invite anywhere because all they want to talk about it politics, and it just starts fights and bums everybody out?

Look no further than the cheap cash-ins of this year’s political casualties, brought to you by Pander & Crookes Publishing Ltd. Brussels Fluffer: How I Wish I Could Pull off a Beret by Nick Clegg Former Liberal Democrat Leader turned Brexit Spokesman Nick Clegg laments, in great detail, his failure to implement secret plans to translate all British road signs into Slovenian and describes a vivid, quasi-sexual fantasy involving a bendy banana and the ghost of Jacques Delors.

And That’s the Last Time a Scouser Ever Wears Tweed by Paul Nuttall In order to fill this book about his short and ill-fated leadership of UKIP, Paul Nuttall writes in real time, like that show 24. Look out for Chapter 6, which is, in entirety, Paul complaining about how he misunderstood the phrase ‘large shoes to fill’, to mean that he actually had to wear the clothes of Nigel Farage.

Tweeting Away My Existential Crisis by Ed Miliband A collection of Ed Milibands most popular tweets over the last year, interspersed with handwritten annotations, in which the former Labour Leader questions what exactly he managed to achieve over his career, other than inexplicably becoming the first inappropriate crush of one teenage girl.

(If) I Said It by Andrew Mitchell Remember that guy from years ago who allegedly called a policeman a pleb? Well, to coincide with the custodial release of O.J. Simpson, Andrew Mitchell publishes a thousand-page diatribe denying he said it, whilst explaining that, were he of the mind to go on a classist rant towards a street level public servant, he would have done it atop a horse, wearing a powder wig and tricorn hat, and he would have called him an ‘oik’, which he feels was far more circumstantially appropriate.

Studies Reveal the EU is just 'Really Fucking Boring' Patriots and EU Federalists alike were disappointed today when their great ideological struggle was revealed to be over a pile of really tedious paper. Instead of being our trailblazing act of independence, the process of leaving the EU was found to be 'just a group of people in suits, disagreeing with each other over laws on cabbage diameter for two years'. Following this, simmering passions and heated discussions at the table have now reduced to a disinterested shrug, and the vague wish that the EU would just go away as a concept.

With neither a Waterloo or Trafalgar in sight, people have resorted to becoming illiterate in order to avoid having an opinion on washing machine tube widths. 'I really wish someone would just fire one fucking bullet across the channel to make it interesting', confessed an anonymous civil servant 'I would literally administer a war than read another news story that everyone, including the writer, only has a vapid understanding of'.

It is believed the process will dominate British political discussion for the rest of the decade. With the number of available edgy opinions to have on the subject already dwindling, the government is exploring the possibility of turning Trident on ourselves to escape the pure, collective boredom.

Gabriel Bramley

Leaked Government Documents An anonymous sources has leaked to The Lemon Press two documents from the cabinet revealing current government tensions.

Henry Dyer

Losing the Election Was My Supervillain Origin Story so Be Very Afraid by Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton reminds everyone she is indeed, still alive, and plans to make the lives of all humanity a waking nightmare for robbing her of her only desire in life. Star Wars fans will enjoy a section where Clinton speculates about how she would go about building a Death Star, and conspiracy theorists will note a string of cryptic references to an army of reptilian humanoids under the former Presidential Candidate’s command, dwelling deep below the surface of the Hollow Earth.

Tom Davies

Tune in Saturdays at 3pm on URY!

News & Politics

16

Have you ever seen a whale breach? Better than seeing a baby breech.

Wrap up Warm This Winter with Existential Dread Have you been feeling chilly on the way home from lectures recently? Do you feel the need to plunge your hands deep into your lint-lined pockets to keep them out of the bitter November cold? Is your shitty Primark coat not quite thick enough? Every year, hundreds of students suffer from the Northern chill.

Mothers up and down the nation lie awake at night, tossing and turning about the fates of their offspring who neglect to wear any gloves. The situation, YUSU has warned, is reaching levels of such severity that something simply must be done. The blotchy, chilly skin of the university is at risk.

(Win McNamee/Getty Images News/Getty Images)

Steal His Look!

Jacket: Versace, £426 Shirt: RL Polo, £65 Inimitable expression of pity and weakness: six failed attempts at removing lower ribs, to the end of self fellatio Michael Davies

Romantic Life Hack #4 If a girl dumps you, running away and joining the King’s Light Dragoons is a grown up and mature way to deal with it.

Changing your name is a good idea too: try something inconspicuous, like ‘Silas Tompkyn Comberbache’.

Hal Bowden

Sadly, students do not seem particularly keen to take responsibility for their own body temperatures. The lot of you seem to deem spending money on sensible items of clothing as out of the question. Normal, heartless magazines might simply leave the student masses to be slightly too cold as something you brought upon yourselves, but we at The Lemon Press have your backs. Drastic practical research was undertaken to figure out how to keep students toasty without breaking (or even touching!) your banks. After potential attempts to speed up climate change were scrapped for being too much effort, and the vague suggestion at knitting thousands of lemon-scented outerwear was (rather rudely) lampooned, a final solution has been settled on: existentialism.

Simply think about your place in the universe, and how small and insignificant we are, and how time stretches infinitely onwards and infinitely backwards, constant but relative, and dizzying, dizzying. All thoughts of pervasive cold air fade to nothing when one’s mind is sick with its own inconsequence.

Tell your friends.

Izzy Palmer

What Your Favourite Band Says About You!

Honestly, they think you're a bit of a wanker.

Marvin Drury

We Tried out Elizabethan Makeup Techniques

(Guliver / Getty Images)

Steal Her Look!

Jacket: Gucci, £325 Dress: Givenchy, £125 Necklace: Bvlgari, £87 Skincare: daily routine of eating asbestos by the handful Bags under the eyes: years of sexual inertia Michael Davies 17

Lifestyle

Here at The Lemon Press, we love to go above and beyond when it comes to exploring the newest fashion trends. In fact, we’re so fashion-forward that we're able to pull a 180 and go backwards.

Our fashion team was sent spinning back in time to try some of the hottest makeup history could offer. Yes, that's right: we decided to test out historically accurate Elizabethan makeup!

The final look includes kohl for the eyes, saffron for the hair, and white lead and vinegar for the face. A look good enough to make any Early Modern bachelor swoon on the spot! Here’s what happened!

We’re dead. We’re all fucking dead.

Lucy Finnighan

If I ask really politely...

What's up with blackcurrant squash?

Box‐Office Breaking Film Destroyed by Meme

Sick of tedious small talk with relatives? Tired of family members who STILL seem surprised you got into a university?

Dad still belittling you and your support for Corbyn? Uncle still being a giant racist?

Well, look no further! Conventional Family Christmas Simulator 2017™ has brought all the fun of a normal Christmas right to your home this December!

You'll meet plenty of fun characters like the polite and wellmeaning father, the sweet and quiet siblings, and the nonalcoholic uncle!

You'll experience great moments like opening presents that YOU ACTUALLY WANT! And, if you pre-order before December 10th you'll receive the exclusive Satisfying New Year's Party™ downloadable content FREE! Hurry while stocks last! £34.99 *VR headset not included* Samuel Goodall

Music Rind‐Up

Taylor Swift ‘...Ready For It?’ Tay Tay's new banger about a Robot Taylor creating another Robot Taylor who can shoot lightning and lasers and has Labour MP Kate Hoey's haircut but it then rebels and does a Bladerunner on her. At least I think that's what it's about, I watched the video on mute as the song was really dull.

6/10 Clean Bandit ‘I Miss You’ feat. Julia Michaels Yeah it's fucking Clean Bandit it sounds exact how you'd think.

Can't wait for it to be overplayed at every bar and club and people thinking it's ‘different’ or ‘clever’, rather than ‘this is just vocal deep house’ or ‘this singer sounds like she forgot to spit out her strepsil before stepping into the studio’.

5/10

One of Stephen King's newest adaptations, It, faced a tough battle during its time at the Box-Office. With comparisons to the original miniseries, comparisons to Stranger Things which some people actually think was created before the 1986 novel, and conversations that consisted of: 'I'm going to go see It.' 'See what?'

'It.' 'What's it?'

'It.' 'Don't get smart with me, I know it's it but what is it?'

'It's like you said: it's that.'

'But what's that?'

'IT!' Somehow despite all this, the film has managed to pull in lots at the box-office. However, a new contender has appeared to challenge the film's credibility, and this one comes from the film itself. It's the horrifying, destroying, evil... meme where Pennywise dances.

'It's awful,' stated Bill Scarsgad... Bill Sku — gn... Bill Scranto... the guy who played Pennywise, 'I should be considered for an Oscar for my terrifying performance, but all people are talking about is that bit where I dance kinda silly!'

And it's true. All over the internet are clips of that scene with music put over, such as ‘Cotton Eye Joe’, ‘Uptown Funk’, and ‘Teach me how to Dougie’, thus taking away any of the scariness of the film.

Will It survive through this? Will It still continue to scare? Will I ever be able to find the right song so I can try out this meme for myself?

Lucy Finnighan Sia ‘Santa's Coming For Us’ Has every hallmark of an absolute top marks Christmas hit.

Jingly things, bells, brass, combined with a funky bassline and Sia's distinctive vocals. I can't wait to hear this as a staple at all Christmas discos, on the radio, and when I’m seasonal shopping.

However it's not December yet and Xmas stuff outside of the allotted month makes me REALLY MAD. Zero points for you, premature celebrator.

0/10 AcousticTrench ‘Can't Help Falling In Love on a Kalimba’ Dude check out this YouTuber who just serenades their dog with acoustic music.

10/10 Pasky Miranda

...will you like all our Facebook videos?

Arts

18

Save £1000s on hammers by being the first...

Choose the Right Way; Choose the Doorway!

flavoured terrace, is simply elevated by the doors.

York’s got some decent architecture. Yeah, it’s pretty good. I ‘spose the Minster’s sound, all that 13th century Medieval Gothic stuff’s fun to look at, if you like that sort of thing. The wall’s got some novelty value - I suppose all that Roman stuff is properly old, and you can march around and spy into people’s gardens if you’ve really got nothing better to do. It's nice to see proper Tudor houses knocking about too, not just that ‘mock-Tudor’ stuff you find in every town, everywhere in the UK.

It’s like someone with the perfect nose. Everything else is great as it is, excellent features all round, but then to top it off, they have the aquiline nose of a heroic Greek statue. That’s what a good door does, and York’s full of it. Who knows, maybe it’s because York was once a real centre of money and influence at one point, that whole capital of the North thing, but it seems a lot of thought and effort was put into making the place feel that bit more special. I sometimes describe York as feeling like something out of a fairytale (albeit a usually rather bleak, more hungover/library oriented variation). But when you’re strolling along and take a look, you realise that the doors are unusually lovely.

But yeah, you can keep your Minster and walls and that. You know what’s really sweet in York. The doors. The glorious doors.

What do you mean you haven’t noticed?

You’ve been too distracted by ‘real life’ and ‘actually important things’? Huh. I say you’re missing out. I tend to do my door spotting under the cover of darkness - much more atmospheric that way, you see.

Just go for an evening wander, and have a gander at some doors. And, oahh, what doors they are.

Take the A1036, otherwise known as Mount Vale. You wouldn’t think that has some great doors, but it does!

They're big houses old over on the South Bank, and pretty delightful regardless, but the doors add character and distinction.

Even an unassuming street, just your average Coronation-Street-

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Arts

Those lintels, fucking hell.

Spectacular lintels. Carved details, pretty and delicate, yet the door is strong and trustworthy. Keep the cold and the weirdos out, and the warmth and the bonhomie in.

If you’re lucky, you get a pretty transom window at the top.

They really add something special, mullioned glass or maybe even a neoclassical fanlight.

The buildings themselves are neither here nor there, the doors are where it’s really at. You can't just limit yourself to the literal door itself - you've got to appreciate the whole package, all those pleasing, surrounding aesthetic details. I’ve never been to another town with doors like York (or maybe I’ve just not spend enough time

going on weird nocturnal wanders elsewhere and noting the intricacies of the doors on offer. Nah, even when I was a not very fresh fresher, I remarked ‘Blimey, those doors are well nice. Who’d have thought?’

Even bloody Mansion nightclub has some spectacular doors (come to think of it, could be because it’s an old mansion, but we won’t dwell on that).

Houses on Fulford road, you'll find some doors to die for, but even some of the bookey, semiabandoned looking houses have very pleasing doors.

Lawrence Street, Heslington Road, aren't these just mere student strips, not exactly the most salubrious streets going?

Ha, even they’ve got some stellar doors. Balancing out the solidity of thick door frames, you’ve got completely unnecessary detailing. A good door offers the unusual, the notable, in the midst of the ordinary. These houses could be so bland, but the doors are a touch of something different they put some architectural spring in the step of your average York street.

The ghost tour can do one. I’m for the doors. A door tour of York. I’ll have paid off my student loan in no time - it’s clearly fun for all the family and I can’t see any reason why it wouldn’t shoot into stratospherically popular territory and then, next thing I know, I’ll find myself the next Lord Mayor of York, based on sheer local adulation. Got to put in what you get out, got to open the doors to make the doors open for you, you know

what I mean?

Door-re-me-fa-so-la-ti-door Um yeah. I quite like doors.

Shall I bang on about some other doors-related thing I like?

Cause that’s arts journalism, innit. You either write about shit you like, or that someone’s paid you to write about. And I’m certainly not getting paid here…

Ahem, so, The Doors. And here’s a classic arts journalism move: the 50th anniversary retrospective. You knew it was coming. Ha, that’s what you get for being someone who reads about cultcha. And not only did The Doors release their debut eponymous album, The Doors (natch), in 1967, they also released Strange Days, which I like to think can be applied to anyone’s university experience.

The Doors formed in 1965, made up of ‘cool dudes’ from LA’s bohemian scene and they just loved 'the jam'. They started off playing at some unpopular club, no one really went, so they just jammed it out. Elongating songs, boogieing them up - jamming the shit out of it.

Oh shit. I’ve had an epiphany.

D’ya know what? Doors have jambs. Actual doors on buildings - it’s an architectural thing. It’s the vertical part of the door frame, onto which the door itself is secured, where the hinges go. The Doors couldn’t have done anything else: the Doors jam, doors have jambs.

What a theory. Told you I know about doors.

Lara Medlam

[Deep, pointedly polite intake of breath]

...to Michael Gove's flat this coming Thursday at 9.55pm.

Top Four Games That Were Included in the Released Computer Files of bin Laden’s Compound Delta Force: Xtreme 2 - Regarded as inferior to the first, Xtreme 2 received mediocre reviews upon release and was widely panned by the players for its poor AI and inferior graphics. 3/10: should’ve received fatwa.

Final Fantasy XII - A classic staple of the JRPG genre. Al-Qaeda likely resonated with the ragtag band of eco-terrorists and their quest to save the planet from the dastardly Sephiroth, proving once again that anime has a direct correlation to Jihadism and should therefore be banned by sovereign law. 5/10: maybe Jack Thompson was right.

Resident Evil - Another vintage hit. You run around a big house shooting zombies and dogs and zombie dogs. Horror fans say it’s pretty good, but now they can’t because when they do people will reply, 'Wasn’t that the game on the ISIS computer or something?' and it is going to be a bit awkward. 6/10: it's got guns.

Animal Crossing: Wild World - A game in which you pay rent installments, catch butterflies, and make friends with a delightful, possibly haram cast of talking animals. According to our anonymous sources, the CIA are currently trying to find the netcode location of bin Laden’s village. 8/10: great way to shun the decadent West.

Nouse Vows to 'Pick Up Where the 80s Left Off and Honestly Kill Gaming For Real This Time'

Nouse, the University of York’s premiere student newspaper, sparked controversy by their new stance to literally end video games as a concept. Some readers have been heard crying out 'Oh my god thank you yes I beg you unbind me from my shackles,' while opponents to this decision offer such retorts as 'Boycott Nouse!', 'Roger Ebert’s dead so games are art again', and 'hHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'.

'We’ve already started with the phasing-out process,' stated a

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deputy editor of Nouse, 'in that we’re writing about games even less than usual.' When asked as to what their future plans are for the elimination of the subculture, they replied that they were thinking of 'Everyone’s Gone to the Rapture (2015)' 'eSports only in real life', and '[Marvin has exceeded his agreed-upon quota of 'Shit Jabs at Anime' for this edition of The Lemon Press. - Eds.]'

The New Intern Accidentally Filed the Spare Advice Column Letters into My In‐Tray and My Editor Is Forcing Me to Answer Them Dear Aunt Agony, my wife recently found out she is expecting twins. We’ve overjoyed, but I don’t think my current job makes enough money to support all of us. What should I do?

From, Kenneth.

Hey there, Kenneth. Sorry to hear about that. But I’ve heard game devs sometimes give you loot crates if you name your baby after a franchise of theirs, so just sit tight and wait to welcome little Metroid Overwatch and Sonic Mania Wii Sports Resort into the world for a substantial payout.

To Aunt Agony, I’m very worried about my 14 year old son.

Lately, he’s been spending far more time in his room, and I recently found a little bag with some white powder in his sock drawer. Is he taking drugs?

Yours sincerely, Carol.

Hi, Carol. Yes, he is. But if you get him started on a video game figurine collection, he won’t have enough money for drugs.

People won’t even want to sell him drugs to begin with.

Dear Aunt Agony, me and the husband were looking for ways to spice up our special time in the bedroom. Do you have any tips?

Janet, Xxx. Thanks for writing in, Janet. Well, for an RPG fan such as myself, a good helping of roleplay is always welcome. Which is why I cannot perform unless my wife dresses up as a member of Caesar's Legion from Fallout: New Vegas (2010), calls me a filthy profligate and slaps my[Please don’t - Eds.]

Arts

20

Yum yum, tasty articles.

The Lemon Press’s Guide to Creating a Trendy New Music App, by Music Correspondent Nue A. Plication 1. Create a New Verb This is really the key. The alpha and the omega. The beginning and the end… of creating that music app. Whether your app catalogues music the user might like, or collates sick beats that the user might want to get down to, you’re going to need a new verb. Something that rolls off the tongue; something cool, memorable, and fun to say. Scrobble? Done before, loser. Scroungelate?

No, sounds like something Jacob Rees-Mogg would say whilst having a brain aneurism. Pisstap?

No, too German-sounding. Recordify? Perfect. Absolutely perfect. What a genius you must be to have made this amazing new verb for your cool new app.

2. Release a New Feature No Other App Has Be original! No one gives a flying fuck if your app has a super-accurate and genuinely impressive algorithm IF IT’S CREATED BY SOME FUCKING NERD. What really matters are the features! Can it translate songs into Basque? Does it have a graphical user interface that allows you to communicate by waggling your tongue to the beat of Grime tracks? Or does it suddenly murder you in front of your girlfriend every time you listen to Imagine? Whatever it is, it better be original, and it better be fucking cool.

3. Remember Your Audience Have you remembered them yet? Who are they? No seriously, I’m genuinely curious.

4. Get a Good Colour Scheme Going Teal and beige? Aqua and off-white? WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO SEE THAT? It better be green and black, or white and gold. They’re the only two options, and no one is going to download your piece of shit app if you don’t follow this important step.

5. Fail to Set Up Licensing Deals and Lose Seed Money This step is absolutely key. Licensing for music is a tricky business, and thankfully you have no legal training. It’s fairly likely you’ve never seen a contract, and almost certain that you don’t know who to phone to arrange one. All you have to do at this stage is nothing. Well done, you’ve lost all of your own money and the money of anyone else who was dumb enough to invest with you.

Congratulations, you have successfully completed our course.

Myles Dunnett

Release of Report into Twin‐Kind

Scientists in the field of twin and triplets studies have released a 94 page report into the social value of twins. The excessively long document is part of a series of investigations researching into the supposed value of squirming little blobs, also known scientifically as offspring.

Reported subjects of the study (Warner Bros.)

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Science & Tech

The document covers innovative new fields of research into twin-kind, including: do all twins like the same colour; are twins telepathic; can twins form separate friendship groups; do twins look cool in matching outfits, and how many times can we say the word twin in one sentence?

Sioned Gill (a member of twin‐kind)

Bathroom Fans Scientifically Proven to Do Nothing An age-old myth has been dispelled. Never before in the history of student-kind has such ground-breaking research taken place within the walls of 1960s purpose built grey and decaying, (and probably low-key dangerous) university accommodation.

Faced with the prospect of real work, the fresher in Block X of Halifax-where-the-fuck-isthat college investigated whether their excessive noisy and rattling bathroom fan did anything. While their method of scientific investigation remains shrouded in mystery, it can be revealed that the fans do basically do nothing now and have in fact never done anything apart from make an annoying noise (to accompany the annoying noise of annoying flatmates living their lives).

Soon the calls for social justice and betterment through science rang across the fields from the halls of Halifax and onto civilised Hes West. Of all the colleges, only Derwent bothered to check their emails and this led to the unexpected creation of a cross-college committee on the betterment of bathrooms. Historically, this committee marks the first time in which any college has agreed to work with Derwent.

The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal the committee’s preliminary report will be published when the Derwent members of the committee work out where Halifax actually is.

Sioned Gill

And while you're liking all our Facebook videos...

'I will kill Greg.'

2 Million People Nod Wistfully at Stephen Hawking's Thesis Before Closing it and Checking Their Facebook Feed With much excitement, Stephen Hawking's PhD thesis, written in 1965, was released to the online world. Hawking's reputation widely precedes him, and any work from the public educator is sure to be met with huge engagement. The Cambridge doctoral thesis 'On the Expanding Universe' has already been viewed by 2 million people, most of whom clicked their tongue a few times at the opening paragraphs before closing it down and doing something else. Many of the non-astrophysicist community still decided to carry on, ingesting a few of the symbols, nodding knowingly for ten pages before rounding this figure up to reading the entire contents of the document and putting on the telly.

'It just says so much about the Universe,' said one person, having understood 1000 words of the academic work, most of which were the acknowledgements 'it really does behoove anyone with a secondary school grasp of science to pretend they have the prerequisite knowledge to understand anything beyond the contents page.'

He then went back to check the 'I Fucking Love Science' Facebook page.

Gabriel Bramley

Scientists Confirm the Fact That Babies Having Fingernails is ‘Literally Fucking Pointless’ ‘There's only two worthwhile functions for fingernails, and they are 1) finding the end on sellotape and 2) taking the stupid plastic stuff off DVD cases. Babies don't do either of these things,’ stated Joyce Carter, leading paediatric researcher, in an exclusive interview with The Lemon Press, ‘I mean... what else is there? Can they climb? Can they rend the flesh of their prey?

Have YOU seen a newborn infant scale two stories up a building and eviscerate a wildebeest? I think not.’

When questioned as to what this will hold for the future of mankind's fingernails, Carter suggested an age restriction on them ‘up to the age of about 36, [when] I'm pretty sure they've stopped being babies.’

Marvin Drury

Duolingo Commissions Deep Web Assassin to Murder Man for Not Practising Level 2 Dutch Free language learning site Duolingo has come under fire recently for the brutal, organised slaughter of one of their users.

David Smith (35), was found dead in his house in the early hours of the morning with several gunshot wounds to the chest. The words ‘IK BEN EEN BOTERHAM’ had been carved into his forehead. The hitman's identity is as of yet unknown, although neighbours reported sightings of ‘Some annoying tosser in a green owl costume.’

‘The daily practise emails and phone notifications just weren’t getting through.’ said a spokesman of Duolingo to our correspondent, ‘So we decided to resort to a more pragmatic solution. We’re also thinking of implementing some kind of strike system. Drone strikes, that is. Ha ha ha. Seriously though.’

Marvin Drury

Hmm... yes I really understand this

Social Media Companies Threaten to Release Senators' Private Messages at Hearing At recent congressional hearings into the role of social media companies last year’s US election, the companies defended any role that they may have played by subtly reminding gathered politicians that they knew every single one of their private messages. Upon being questioned as to how they had allowed Russian companies to run political ads on Facebook one executive for the company simply responded, ‘You know, private messages being leaked online is a real problem. It would be a real shame if it happened to the members gathered here for example.’ The gathered politicians promptly stopped talking and ceased any further questions they had for the tech companies who were ‘very happy’ to help with the investigations.

Mark Matthews

...maybe share the especially good ones. ﴾That's all of them.﴿

Do not be deceived... (www.duolingo.com)

Science & Tech

22

Stop skateboarding over the age of 13...

Six Ways YOU Can Stop York From Flooding Do you feel like partaking in a civic duty? Want to go to your favourite riverside pub without needing a canoe? Don't want to see your favourite kitsch shithole (it's so quirky, how can you not like it?!) on Fossgate flooded? Follow these simple steps and you can stop York from flooding.

1. Stop using toilets There's a good chance your house is connected to Yorkshire Water. Well, do you want some news? Once whatever you flush gets filtered, that stuff (probably) gets chucked straight back into the Ouse. Every time you flush the toilet, you are contributing to the flooding of someone else's house. Possibly acceptable if they're someone you dislike, but you can't guarantee that. So the safe thing to do is just stop using toilets. Instead, use some buckets! Or just hold it in for at least four or five months.

2. Drink more water, straight from the Ouse Drinking water from the taps isn't good enough. For all we know that's from some reservoir super far away. The only way to be certain you can stop York from being the scene of biblical floods and avoiding the sight of the Archbishop heading down the Ouse in a makeshift ark is by getting down to the river and drinking your fill. Some back of the envelope maths suggests about, say, 14 litres a day per person in York should keep us safe. But don't you go expelling that water, and you better not sweat it either. That's got to stay in your body for the next few months, or if you *must* then into a bucket it goes.

York, circa 1988. (Creative Loop) 3. Set up a room in your house in which to store buckets and also do all the sweating This one is logistically tricky, I know, especially as you're going to need a sort of airlock system with dehumidifers. But needs must, dig for victory, and all that. This room will be where you go about your business, and will become a sort of piss-shit sauna rather quickly. But we can't risk you sweating more than necessary if at all out and about, because that'll only lead to clouds, and what do clouds mean? Rain.

4. Conduct drought dances Yes, sweating and other such condensation is inevitable. So we'll get clouds. Hey-ho. In order to deal with this, immediately CEASE with any rain dances you are doing and start doing drought dances, proferring gifts (why not consider your piss-shit bucket?) to the gods that be, begging them not to cast any downpours upon York. This may be challenging as you will be swilling around with 14 litres of water in your body, and you will have to ensure your dance is not so strenuous that you start violently perspiring. You must avoid this at all costs. Perspiration leads to trickling beads, and trickling beads lead to streams, which will go on to become rushing waterfalls.

5. Kill those that do not join in, and use their bodies to construct a dam It's for the greater good. Whisper that to them as you slide the knife in, making sure not to let too much blood out (see above re: trickling beads). Bring your dead along to just outside the Minster and we'll pop them in the back of a truck every Tuesday at 6pm to go start work upstream on the 'Dam of the Damned' (trademark pending). Fun for all the family!

6. Petition the government for extra flood protection funding Haha, just kidding, this one's just here for a joke, it'll never work.

Henry Dyer 23

Features

Oh no! More than halfway through!

...scooters are just as bad.

We Huffed 80 Pots of Modelling Glue around the Back of a Hobbycraft At NOICE we have one mission: to bring you the best content we can. Recently we met with an African warlord and his child army in Somalia, bought heroin from the Taliban in Afghanistan, and reignited a civil war in the Tibetan foothills. Last week we answered your ques ons about using White Spirit as a mixer, and drank the tap water in Bangladesh. Now, a er a short stay in hospital, we’re ready to bring you the latest craze: huffing glue. A er very comprehensive research that took almost thirty minutes to complete, we discovered that glue is rising in popularity all over the world. So we decided to inves gate by spending six days inhaling solvents around the back of a shopping precinct in Luton.

Visi ng Hobbycra A er some research on online forums and a visit from the local police, we found that the best glue to huff was rubber cement. At Hobbycra they stock this whacked shit ON THE SHELF! We lost our GoPros in the needle‐fel ng aisle, but we were s ll pre y stoked to find the glue! A er hi ng up a few more cra shops and a Subway, we had our stash. We had to think fast at one point when an old lady asked us if we were making Airfix models. We legged‐it round the back of the shop un l she'd gone. It was so close.

Ge ng prepared We couldn’t find any small plas c bags, so we asked for some surgical gloves in a doctor’s surgery. The recep onist wasn’t very happy about it though, so we stole some from a sexual health clinic. Next, we started looking for a place to huff our glue. We were pre y nervous we were going to be caught with the goods. We found some bins round the back of the Hobbycra . We got inside and the three of us sat in a circle. We had two pots each. Then we put the pots in the gloves and inhaled. It got quite hot so we drank Tequila to stay hydrated. We opened all of the other pots and closed the bin lid.

How long were we in there?

Man that stuff was crazy! I’ve never felt anything like it! I was immediately lightheaded. Then some really weird shit happened. And the next thing I remember was waking up in an Intensive Care Unit. There were so many tubes coming out of my nose! When I looked at my watch it was only six hours later. That shit was insane! The nurse said that the Hobbycra employees found us naked in the staff car park. Apparently it took an hour to get us unstuck. This stuff is mental!

Conclusion We’re really craving more. Holy shit! We really want some more! This is totally new to us! They should really think of a word for this unstoppable craving. Also, John has got a page from The Guardian stuck to his armpit, and the doctors think they might have to do a skin gra to get it off! This is some potent stuff! Someone should really look into the availability of it, because this stuff is CRAZY! Next week we’ll be injec ng Ketamine into our eyeballs as part of a tribal ceremony in Guatemala, and then we’ll be shoving ecstasy up our asses in Toxteth!

(Getty Images)

NOICE MUSIC We were meant to go and meet Chance the Rapper but unfortunately we’re all awai ng surgery to remove remnants of latex gloves from our faces. We’re also having a lot of trouble remembering our own names. Holy shit I’d love some more glue though.

Myles Dunnett

If only there was some other way to access TLP content...

Features

24

I preferred your other shirt.

: d e k c ha

Campus Media Group Internal Emails Leaked in Shocking Potential Scandal!

The Lemon Press Needs You! Do you know something about this story? Have any leads as to the whereabouts of Tim Cook? If you can help flesh out the CMG case then don't hesitate to write in to The Lemon Press and help spread the truth!

We need your eyes and ears to keep the people in the know. Drop us an email or anonymous messenger pigeon at any me, and don't forget to look behind you...

A Shady Business? The Plot Thickens Next Page!

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Features

...like Facebook, Twitter, or a radio show...

Touch my folds! Staple me!

Strange Indeed!

What Do You Believe?

Leaked to Myles Dunnett

Chairman Cam’: The State of the Nation Once again, the time has come for me to write this address from my desk in the Zest Wing. This time however, before we look towards our future, let us take time to think about our past. We come from a past marked by many peaks, and many troughs, and many shirts of Hawaiian material: though we were glorious then, as we are now, we have come a long way from the days of strife and war. Let us not think, however, that our past should be erased, or that the statues of our forebears should be torn down and replaced with ‘Unity Plazas’ or ‘Greg’s Places’. For without our past, we would not know what we now do. They say in France, 'après la pluie, le beau temps': after rain comes sunshine.

Indeed, my wife said to me just this morning: ‘no longer shall I be wet, thanks to you, dear husband of mine.’ Funny, I hadn't even told her the phrase. At any rate, the evils this nation enacted were necessary evils, and to reach the good, we had to pay the devil his dues. As other nations fade into obscurity and out of Vision, ours rises above the throng. ‘I must go to lemon,’ I hear the masses say, ‘we will find our fortune there.’ Whether a Jew, a Kurd, or a tart, all shall be welcome here: they shall become Lemon Jews, Lemon Kurds, and Lemon tarts.

Yes, in the past I have heaped derision upon the legacies of the two previous leaders of this nation, Chairman Cal’, and the other one, whose name escapes me. I now see that my criticism was just bitterness: to lead, one must command, and to command, one must be obeyed. I still stand firm in the belief that democracy is truth, but I now also understand that internal dissent is the enemy of truth, and thus, the enemy of democracy.

Therefore, I must insist that in order to have true democracy, and for you to have real freedom, there can be absolutely no opposition to my presidency. You shall, of course, all retain your right to free speech, as long as that speech is in no way critical of me or my newly dry wife.

...if only I could engage with all three...

To return to the state of our nation: each year, we experience an influx of people that enriches our lives, fills our coffers, and creates a backlog of paperwork so enormous that burning it keeps your homes warm for the rest of the year. The ebb and flow of people to and from the shores of this nation still pleases me after all these years. Though I still think of those we have said goodbye to, especially the founder of Bramoli Industries, Dr Bramoli, I am rallied by the knowledge that for each person we lose, we gain two. This year we have gained some truly great individuals, who may one day hold the very highest offices this nation has to offer. I see happy, smiling faces, full of zest, ready to stand up and proclaim ‘We are lemon, and happy we are’. We are a nation of immigrants, and though one day we may leave, we will forever be citizens of this land: if not in body, then in spirit. And what finer spirit is there than our national spirit, Limoncello?

As I return, once again, to contemplation, I am brought to ask questions of our current position: Are we better off? Has this nation returned to splendour? Do we still fight the right fights?

Can we justify our decisions to our betters? This last question stuck with me. Who on this earth could say that they are our betters? Perhaps many may dare to utter the words, but words without meaning are but castles of sand, built on the edge of a raging sea. We are our own betters: every day we must strive to make better ourselves for the betterment of our nation. A nation is only as good as the spirit of its people, and I know that the spirit of our people is the most perfect thing in the world. One nation, one people, one citrus.

Citrus, altius, fortius. Citrea est.

Yours truly, President Myles Cameron Dunnett (Chairman Cam')

Features

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Who bought the strange beetroot in my fridge?

FIFA to Adopt Orwellian Style of Organization 'We’re already half way there' says former President Sepp Blatter as he shaves his head, tattoos his eyelids with masonic symbols, and dons his all black naval officer's uniform that will be used in his reinstatement ceremony.

In order to repair its fragile public image, FIFA has taken the executive decision to emulate the oppressive superstate of Oceania (as depicted in 1984) in an effort to appear more transparent after allegations of systemic corruption, embezzlement, and despotic leadership.

‘We want to appear more honest and open about what it is we do here at FIFA,’ were the words of current president Gianno Infantino, which were echoed by the other members of the executive committee as they gleefully drew lines on the map in their new war room.

After gaining control over the emotions of millions of adoring fans, their decision to mobilise those people to make a force for global domination is a ‘sound financial move’, according to former Vice President (current Minister for Propaganda) David Gill.

FIFA has more member states than the UN and will use this power base to oust current sovereign governments, to create a new world order, to secure funding for more youth leagues, and to increase engagement in football in disadvantaged parts of the world. ‘Our goal is to promote and protect the game globally, and the best way to do this is to structure society to facilitate it,’ said Blatter, who will be taking up his previous role of puppet master, with a beaming David Beckham taking the role of public figurehead/assassin target practice dummy.

Plans to create a sub-strata of proles was introduced in order to ensure that stadiums were permanently at capacity, as well as strict five-year plans in to keep supplies of magnetic footballs and slave collar club scarves continuous. In an advancement of the current ‘no instant replay’ rule, all referees will be replaced by local commissars who will arbitrate all decisions on a whim. Match results will be decided beforehand on the basis of a bribe auction, which will place in the car park beforehand, in an effort to save everyone the song and dance of the image of legitimacy.

The plans are not expected to be costly as might be expected because FIFA already has considerable experience flaunting international laws in pursuit of power. The changes mainly involve renaming current departments and titles, as well as using the current borders of the regional management as the basis for satellite super states, in an effort to delegate power (shown below): Matt Harwood

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Sports

O frabjous day!

I wish I was ten years old and ignorant agan.

Men Kick Balls, Win Money and Fame In a world of ubiquitous computers, ever-present smartphones, and more video games than you can shake a stick at, most of Britain’s youth have been passing their free time on social media or hunched over in front of glowing screens. The majority of jobs, too, have been changed by the 21st century’s electronic and interconnected advances. But a different type of craze is sweeping the nation – tearing kids and adults alike away from their mainframes and tablets - and outside onto the playing fields. All across England, men are kicking little balls around with their feet.

That’s right - replacing Pokémon GO and fidget spinners, today’s fad involves people of all ages splitting up into teams and using their feet to hurl balls into giant hairnets for up to 90 minutes at a time. Rules and regulations have even been created for ballkicking; to track how many points, or ‘goals’, each team scores, and to stop spoilsports from touching the bouncy white spheres with their hands. But for some it isn’t just a hobby – we spoke to a young man named Jamie Vardy from Leicester, who gets paid for larking around on a pitch! ‘It’s ridiculous really,’ he said, ‘I have a weekly salary of £80,000! I mean, sure, the training’s hard, and it’s a lot of pressure and physical stress… but compare that to harder jobs, like teaching, manual labour, and civil service work. I’m not great at maths, but I think I get paid at least 10 times more! I don’t understand why, either!’

And he isn’t the only one. There are many more young men just like Jamie across the country and even the world, waggling their legs around for significantly more money than, say, a member of our armed forces! (And women too, but as usual they’re paid less and get far less attention, and rarely get mentioned when discussion of ball-kicking takes place.) So why don’t you give it a try yourself? Put down your phone, go outside and kick a circular lump of polyester and cotton at your friends. Who knows? You could get showered in money and fame for it too!

Alfie Gerzimbke

York Athletes Rise Up Against Bourgeois Leaders as New App Inspires Revolutionary Fervour The York Sport Union has launched the ProTeam app at York, which Nouse describe as promising to 'revolutionise collegiate sport at York in an unprecedented way for over 100 teams, thousands of players, and many more fans.' As is tradition, this initially found popularity at Oxbridge before being adopted at York.The app will send daily notifications to all users reminding them that 'the people united will never be defeated', calling for the violent purging of all 'captains', and that 'you have nothing to lose but your kit, and your dignity! A correspondent, who in all honesty was just looking for the Psychology buildings but got lost, has reported seeing scenes of rugby college captains holding tense meetings behind closed doors.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that T-34s are mobilising on 22 Acres, commanded by the Halifax Hockey team. Alcuin Rugby players were sighted constructing a makeshift guillotine, whilst 'Generalissimo' George 'Zhukov' Peters has declared that 'The Republic of Swimmingrad', established in the Lounge, will never surrender. Revolutionary sentiment, as well as the year 2017, is yet to make its way to Heslington East.

Henry Dyer

The Lemon Press’s Annual Arbitrary Sports Revue: Slaven Bilić Fired as West Ham Manager, and a Cry for Help - Slaven Bilić’s time as West Ham manager has come to an end, amid formal allegations that he failed to properly enforce order on the team. The ex-manager will be replaced by former military leader General Failure, and he will be joined by new Assistant Coach Major Disaster. Oh what? You didn’t find that joke funny? Well you try to make light of West Ham then. See? Not so funny now is it.

- You know, I really hate it when people get all haughty about jokes. Just because a joke is old doesn’t mean it isn’t funny you know.

This whole premise is old, but guess what: I keep writing these articles, don’t I? - Sure, the editors do force me to write them. And yeah, I know that if I don’t do it then they’ll take away the one remaining piece of furniture in my room, forcing me to sleep on the floor.

- I mean, I wouldn’t say I’m a prisoner, no. More of a willing captive. But not a captive in the sense that I can’t leave, just a captive in the sense that if I do leave the consequences could be quite, quite serious.

- I mean, they’re not violent people. Far from it actually. They’re actually quite nice, once you get past all of the swearing.

- Anyway. I can’t really say any more, or I’ll have to eat my other arm.

- Just joking! I didn’t really eat my arm. Just nibbled the end of it a bit.

Myles Dunnett

You can follow us @thelemonpress on Twitter....

Sports

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This bladder is iron­clad.

Letters, 95 Theses, Tickel's Medical Records, General Senses of Dis­ease, Declarations of Love, Births, Requests for Assassinations, Telegrams, Declarations of Hate, Etc. Your book has literally saved my life. After misplacing my house key after a pub crawl, I was stranded outside in the bitter weather, 10 degrees above freezing, with nothing but a lighter and my winter clothing. I was left for dead. However, my luck would manifest itself as an overturned YUSU Press box that was left outside, stockpiled with hot new issues of The Lemon Press that gave me the fuel and the hope to survive the night. Sitting alone in the desolate tundra expanses of Greg's Place, I treated myself to reading every hilarious copy of the latest issue, before casting them into the roaring blaze. Eventually I was rescued at 1am by a passing polar bear in a hi-vis jacket, who told me that ‘I didn't belong out here’ before swiftly carrying me home. Thank you polar bear, and thank you Lemon Press. My meme page can be found at www.facebook.com/ uoyvanbrughmemes/ Callum Dollop AKA VanbrughMemesForMisguidedTeens I love the Lemons Magazine! Lots of great recipes for this wonderful fruit! My favourite is the lemon chicken stir-fry, the family love it and you will too! On weekends, the hubby makes Paul Hollywood's famous lemon drizzle cake for the kids -- when they return from rugby it's gone in seconds! Can't recommend this magazine enough! I've told all my fellow mums about it!

We mums are all connected, so anything that's approved by me is approved by the whole hive!

Glory to the Hive! Long live the Hive Matron!

Norghaz Khal'Bamog AKA yummymummy8400 Hey everyone! I am running for in the YUSU elections for the role of Deputy Secondary Second Banana in Command and I just want to raise some awareness! I'm leading the push for a 2nd water fountain in the Central Lake, and you may have seen me earlier this year gathering your signatures for a 2nd YUSU store right next to the first! Sorry if this isn't fan mail but I just wanted to get the message out there in the quickest, biggest way possible. Vote Shirley!

Toodle oo! x Shirley Curleigh-Wurleigh AKA miss_twix Hello Eds. Yes, pardon my name, it is definitely Cameroon, which is quite funny really. I've written a letter to you because my name is quite funny, and your

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Letters

magazine is quite funny too. Could you please include it somewhere in the book? I see you come up with lots of funny names, but I am real and I do have a funny name. Please? I don't think I could afford another Deed Poll. Or another licence plate.

David Cameroon I would like to preface my review of this magazine by saying that I have appeared on national television (on BBC's Homes Under The Hammer) thus affirming my status as a proud member of the upper echelons of British society. Celebrities like me wouldn't touch any old student rag, all frantically monkey-fisted together like Alphabetti Spaghetti in the jet of an aeroplane without any direction or grace. At first, the 'The Lemon Press' appears to be unassuming - a plain, frail bundle of napkins, hastily etched with runny ink from the blemished teats of an ancient printer. But don't be fooled, this wonderful piece of engineering was clearly made by a master crafter like James Dyson, a great man who was inspired to invent genius products from simple principles in nature, such as sociopolitical observational humour and processed wood. I am pleased to say that I am Pyles Punnett, a humble man and a reader of the 'The Lemon Press' magazine. The future is Lemon-orange and it is here. 3 Michelin stars.

Pyles Punnett AKA the-punnisher Dear Eds, Do you have any tips to help deal with rebellious children and their behaviour (tantrums, shouting, violence, illegal referendums)? Asking for a friend.

Mariano, Madrid Dear Eds, I was wondering if you would be so kind as to supply me with the names of writers at your establishment who are involved with the satire of European affairs, with particular reference to Brexit. Furthermore, if I could be provided with a copy of the latest issue and links to the online content which relate to this area I will be much obliged.

I sincerely hope you are able to provide me with such and I look forward to detaining you in due course.

Yours sincerely, Chris

Dear Editors, Once again, I am furious at your lack of editorial consistency. Last year, in a pub, on the 3rd March, you told me that you 'support a fully autonomous kingdom of Yorkshire'. Now I see that you have turned on the cause. This has been noted. I would therefore like to cancel my subscription to your pay-per-view pornography channel, 'Show Us Your Cits Love'.

Yours, disgustedly, Benji McPud IMAGINE IF THE LEMON PRESS REPLACED JEWS WITH MUSLIMS IMAGINE THEN THEY WOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO PRINT IT UNDER THE SHARON LAWS BUT THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT BECAUSE THEY'RE LEFT WING ISIS LOVING REMOANER CUCKS redlioncrusader1966 Dear The Lemon Press, I voted to drown your editors last issue and you are yet to publish the results. This is an affront to democracy. I keep seeing their dead-eyed faces around campus and it makes me ANGRY. Charles Dear Myles Dunnett (President of The Lemon Press) We regret to inform you that your company Citrus Media Group has plummeted in value. If you do not start making profit within the next financial quarter your company will no longer be able to trade on our markets.

LSE Dear Myles Dunnett (President of The Lemon Press) You said this embezzlement plan would make us money. It's literally a free magazine, why are you putting it onto the stock exchange? If the shareholders find out about this you won't be famous for owning the most profitable student satire outfit in UK history, you'll be famous for drowning in Europe's largest plastic bottom lake.

Dominic If the one good guy with a gun was the one most likely to stop you, you'd be sure to shoot him first, right? Think about that.

Tinhat Greg THERE IS A TUNNEL UNDER CAMPUS AND I KNOW THIS IS TRUE BECAUSE I DUG IT. Malcolm Grant (Chancellor)

...and find us on Facebook under the same name.

What makes a lemon 'sexually aggressive'?

New! Horoscopes with Lucid Lucy

Aries What employers crucify, employees pay for. There’s an image of a sheep in the background, make of that what you will.

Taurus HISTORY is like a straight‐jacket. Easy to get into, hard to get out of.

Gemini If you require a brain injury, try not to rid yourself of all your impurities.

Cancer Envy is impossible to capture on film. Watch out.

Leo EXISTENCE IS TO GREASE WHAT WE KNOW IS UNGREASABLE. Virgo If you require to sacrifice your mind, you can’t afford to be a monkey.

Libra Although animal is an assault, assault isn’t necessarily an animal.

Scorpio Maybe star signs are star signs because it’s all a simulation?

Sagittarius Life itself is IMPOSSIBLY obese.

Capricorn Ghosts become ghosts out of sexual deviation.

Aquarius Behave human. Get fantastic. There’s an image of a shark, which kind of derails the whole point.

Pisces Those who are ABLE TO support the PEOPLE ARE able to appreciate liars.

Mystic Markov suffered a critical malfunction and has been decommissioned permanently. We are now committed to 100% human horoscope writers. That said, we're not sure about Lucy.

You can be sick. when businesses falter, the now emerges. Blame the Moment, not the shops.

Where an ejaculation dies, lives do arise.

Where pilots give up, wise men try a little hard.

Ice cream=poetry.

Lucy Finnighan Quiz: What are the Five Things You Must Not Say if You are on Holiday in North Korea?

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

No one knows anyone in Wentworth because they are all dead.

Save yourselves.

Ellie Grana

Gosh, even a website too! thelemonpress.co.uk

Answer: Fooled you! This was a trick question! You should never go on holiday to North Korea.

Bent double, like old beggars under deadlines, Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through JSTOR Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs And towards Wentworth College began to trudge.

Men marched asleep. Many had lost their notes But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind; Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots Of tired, outstripped scholars that dropped behind.

Essays! Essays! Quick, boys! – An ecstasy of fumbling, Connecting the haggard laptops just in time; But someone still was yelling out and stumbling, And flound'ring like a man in dusty archive . . .

Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light, As in the cold Morrell, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight, He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace Through swamps of reading as thick as trenches mud My friend, you would not tell with such high zest To children ardent for some desperate scholarly glory, The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est Pro patria mori.

Myles Dunnett

Puzzles & Horoscopes

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