The Lemon Press - Issue 54

Editors' Introduction

Hello again, friend.

Last time we spoke, you were settling into a new term like cozy bugs in a £9250 rug, still grieving over the Queen but having upmost faith in Lizz Truss to get us through the solemn waters. And now look at you, an absolute fucking embarrasing state, clinging to this cursed parchment as it is the last reminder of that warm early autumn where you still had hopes. Girlboss Truss has been slain and replaced by a Short King, Elon Musk is burning down the one place we still get new ideas from, and one of our editors has been forced to become circumstantially Communist. Why are we still bothering to breathe?

Since we’re in a ranting mood, here’s a confession; we hate writing these. Genuinely. What other print medium has the reader demand a note from the people who wrote it? Do you open The Bible and refuse to read on until God himself tells you about some CRAZY arc based shenanigans on page Genesis 7? Do you open Normal People and outright spit on the pages of the novel until Sally Rooney reassures you there shall be no Silly People on Page 56? Do you open Nouse? No No you do not So why demand a note from the two hardest working funny bois this side of the fence outside your house?

If you insist on having a preview, here’s what we’ve got; Our campus section starts off with a little choose your own adventure, where you can traverse the heady heights of house hunting Later on we have some coverage of the great Charlie Jeffrey college tour, where we make sure the real questions get asked As well as advice on all sorts from how to survive second year to how to start a crime syndicate on campus

News and Politics has finally stopped moving for a bit so we actually have relevant content on that in this one! With such a variety of topics covered in this magazine over Science and Tech, Lifestyle and Arts we simply cannot describe it to you without running out of space. You will simply have to read through it to find out more

We did not have enough space to squeeze horoscopes in amongst a brimming poetry section so everyone gets the same fortune this term A tall, dark (and handsome?) stranger will come along and give you a collection of papers resembling a lovely childhood memory. You open it and reveal years of laughter. An almost orgasmic wave of pleasure will wash over as your eyes dart across the pages. You will start to think to yourself, this is an unusual fortune, but the roarous joy and jubilation is too much. That’s right it’s your energy bills. You cope with deep distress by laughing insanely now. You need help, but for now, come and join like minded people in this latest edition of The Lemon Press!

Matt and Dan

You're in for a real treat with this one.

Campus News & Politics Lifestyle Science & Tech Arts Features Sports Poems

The Lemon Press Staff

Editors: Dan Saxotweet & Matt Davis

Deputy Editors: Caitlin Hyland & Cameron Stenhouse Sub Editors: Ava Young, Adam Berry & Ben Brown

Campus Editors: Ben Brown News & Politics Editors: Eddie Atkinson Lifestyle Editor: Vacant Science & Tech Editors: Vacant Arts Editors: Ava Young Features Editors: Will Rowan Sports Editors: Niall McGenity

Chief Illustrator: Niall McGenity (Front Cover and Various) Illustrators: Dan Saxotweet (Back Cover and Various), Matt Davis (Various), Marti Stelling (Inside Cover), Will Rowan (Various), Cameron Stenhouse (Various), Ava Young(Various)

President: Will Rowan Treasurer: Matt Davis Secretary: Dan Saxotweet

Vice President: Caitlin Hyland Social Secretary: Ava Young Ordinary Members: Adam Berry & Ben Brown

Contributors: Samuel Burrows, Louie McVey , Finn Russell, Marti Stelling, Vince the Vole, @gruniesexual8646

Contact the editors at: lemonpresseditors@yusu org Contact the society at: lemonpress@yusu.org Disclaimer: No facts or actual attributable quotations are published in this satirical magazine. Produced 23rd November 2022

Part of this issue has been computer generated

Student Housing - Choose Your Own Adventure

Disclaimer: The events that can take place in this adventure are fictional and only relate to specific incidents insofar as everyone’s experience of student house hunting is similar. Due to space limitations we can’t cover every single possible scenario.

Cast your minds back to when you were younger and a little more hopeful about the world (it’ll only be a few months for some of you but I’m sure even you were a little less jaded back then) It is October in your first year of University. Speculation has started spreading around about who’s going to live with who. Someone already half jokingly suggested that the whole flat get a house together so that second year can be just like first year! The rest of you try your hardest not to shudder at the prospect…

Do you;

Form a group chat of people in your flat you get on with and form a group there? (Go to 'A')

Call a flat meeting to fully organise who lives with who? (Go to 'B')

C

You try to replace that person with someone else. Each member messaging friends from that they know from their course to get someone in. Eventually you find someone suitable and go to the pub to organise your house finding strategy.

It comes out that you don’t actually all agree about the kind of place you want to live some of you want to stay near campus while others want to bring their bikes up to Uni and cycle.

Do you:

Find a compromise between everyone and press on?

(Go to 'E')

Split off and go your separate ways? (Go to 'F'')

D

You choose to move on and try to find a house that’s a little smaller than what you were originally going for. There are plenty of houses for odd numbers of people so I’m sure you’ll be fine.

You all agree on the kind of place you want to live and the more organised amongst you get some house viewings booked, they’re not all perfect and some of the houses can be a little cramped or damp in places but they are in a good location for you all.

Go to ending 4.

A

The group chat starts off very well as people are filled with a sense of excitement about living off campus in a real house with a little more independence than you can get living in halls. After a while someone’s excitement begins to falter and they begin having second thoughts about living in the group. A few weeks after the group chat is formed someone drops out of the group.

Do you:

Try to replace them with someone else? (Go to 'C') Move on and try to find a house for one less person? (Go to 'D')

B

The flat meeting goes fairly well, some people might consider this strategy a little over organised, but a little bureaucracy never hurt anyone, eh? Everyone in the flat has a group of people that they are pretty sure they can tolerate for at least an additional year.

After a while though you decide you can’t bear the thought of living with these people after seeing the tensions brought about by the great York house hunt and choose to go it alone using the Facebook groups to find a room in a house in York.

Go to ending 2.

I hope you're all sitting comfortably

Reader! Where have you been loca

E

Somehow, this seems to work. You’ve found a place that everyone agrees on, it may not be your first choice but you still get on with your new housemates. Now all you have to do is live with them. What could go wrong there?

Go to ending 3.

F

You split off and go your separate ways. Crumbling into different pieces with different ideas about where and how you want to go about housing. You try to make it work but with the clock ticking there are very few places left for you to find.

Go to ending 1.

Endings:

Ending 1 - Uh-oh you ran out of time! Looks like you’ll be out in Clifton, ages away from the University and somehow not a single person you recognise living anywhere near you.

Ending 2 You ended up in a house with not a single person that you know. At least you’re fairly close to the university or town.

Ending 3 You managed to keep your housing group (mostly) together but took a while doing it. I’m sure you’ll have found a decently nice house somewhere in Tang Hall or Fulford

Ending 4:Somehow you managed to win the jackpot! You’re with people you like, in a sensible area that is not exorbitantly expensive, you have the joys of explaining to people where you live by saying things like ‘ you know Efes? Kinda near there’ or ‘Hull Road’.

Whatever ending you got in the end, at least you found somewhere to stay in York, that in itself makes you luckier than hundreds of last year's freshers.

A Bucket List Giveaway That Is So Easy That One Of You Surely Have To Enter It

Listen up you fucks! Over the past two issues we have ran two different bucket list giveaways in the hope of making this cursed, Hindenburg esque magazine ‘ more interactive’ with actual real prizes up for grabs. And do you know the grand total number of entries we received for both of those lists combined? ZERO. None. Zilch. Na fucking da. So, just to prove that at least one other person is reading this thing, I have decided to make the easiest bucket list ever If you even complete ONE of the things in this list, email a photo over to lemonpresseditors@yusu.org and you will be entered into a prize draw where I will flat out just give you twenty quid This is sincere I need to prove I’m not just screaming into a void here

Breathe just breathe. Mouth or nose. You could literally breathe onto a mirror, or just record yourself breathing and send it to our inbox at a suspiciously late hour, and end up winning £20 from my wallet. I have no idea how to make this simpler for you.

Find Boi not even Longboi. Just find any boy and photograph him Easy, there’s literally 142,909 of the fuckers in the world (I expected this to be closer to 4 billion, but when I put “male population” into Google it gave me this value for the population of Malé. Unlimited hilarity here.)

Visit York anywhere in York Even just the bathroom of your York house. Or a bathroom of a non York house that you can claim is actually in York, I cannot express to you how little of a shit I give about authenticity at this point.

Have A One Night nope, not even a one night stand, that’s on every major student bucket list. You literally just need to exist during a night time that’s convenient for you, and there is a good chance you will become twenty pounds richer because of it.

Spot A Mistake In This Issuue since you are all so good at finding the errors in this magazine and telling me about it, go and find one in the thirty one other pages of this issue and send in your complaints. You don’t even need to say it’s for the competition, I will treat any mistake spotting as an entry Either nobody spots any mistaykes in this issue or somebody finally enters one of our bucket lists I literally cannot lose at this point

See A Nice Cat this may now be a ploy for me to see pictures of nice cats. Don’t tell the streets I have ‘gotten soft in my old age’, I could bury any one of you in a sardonic grave if I wanted to I am just choosing to request nice cat pics, please.

Dan Saxotweet

HAZED! Confessions of a TLP Fresher

When this reporter arrived at the University of York, submissive, breedable, and never having been north of Watford, he envisioned himself entering a journalistic chrysalis from which he would emerge as a literary butterfly with editors of such respectable institutions as The Daily Mail and LADBible battling vehemently for his signature In pursuit of this goal he joined the most reputable (advertised as award winning?) citrus inspired student paper he could find Little did he know the horrors that awaited him…

On first entering the institution it became clear that there was vicious competition for publishing space each issue limited to a mere twelve cum jokes, nine minion memes, and four Breaking Bad references A cut throat culture has been kept largely under wraps: a recent stabbing over who got to make a poster of Richard Hammond captioned ‘balls?!’ in Comic Sans was covered up by a swift payment to the executives at Nouse, while Dan Saxotweet’s run for office was marred by suggestions that “Dan Saxotweet” might, just might, not be his real name

As yet unphased by the dog eat dog world of satirical student publishing, I attended a second meeting This time I was blindfolded before being taken to a room where I was met by the chief editors clad in yellow and black robes. It became clear that The Lemon Press had become intent on preparation for the coming of Wasp Week I was warned that failure to submit vespid content would result in the release of a swarm of WASPs upon my person a lifelong phobia of White Anglo Saxon Protestants meant I was by no means taking this risk.

So here you go, a Wasp Fun Fact: wasps are an evolutionary ancestor to bees! Insectoid intellectualism out of the way, we return to our hero who was to suffer one final unparalleled humiliation, one that would stay with them far longer than the threats and the stabbings: trying to be funny in front of people they didn’t really know who clearly had opinions but were slightly too polite to tell them if they weren’t. As you may be able to tell, dear reader, no one has worked up the courage to burst my bubble quite yet and I’m choosing to take this as an unequivocal vote of confidence in my satirical abilities actually I’ve just got an email oh Eddie Atkinson University

of York Bows Down to ‘Woke Cultists’, Renames Itself University of Pork

Roight, as a Bri’ish bloke, I’ve had enough of this woke malarkey Now these ’elitists’ at the ‘university’ are trying to rewrite ‘history ’ I may not know everything, like how to use ‘inverted commas’, but I know when it’s gone too far.

Apparently, they’re tryna be inclusive to animals, as they have ducks living there. After reading the headline of Vision, I don’t actually know why they’re doing it but I’m outraged!!! Even though it has no impact on my life, I’m done with this woke nonsense Enough is enough

Congrats

Cameron Stenhouse

For Sale: Archimedes's bath water, used

Coverage of Charlie Jeffery’s Town Hall

Wednesday night. The students packed into Town Hall and Charlie was standing in the centre, microphone in hand The staff and students looked like wolves circling their prey

Q1: What's your plan to tackle these pesky strikers?

Instantly Charlie was caught off guard and widened his eyes

Charlie: That is a great question. An excellent question if you will Well, as you know, those lazy bastar I mean valued members of staff thought working on a zero hour contract and having their pensions slashed was unfair When I told them I couldn’t do anything as I’m only the vice chancellor and not the chancellor, they called me a “miserable bald loser” and there proceeded to be a thirty five minute fist fight with seven casualties. Overall, there will be a strike, but just do your required reading and try to forget about the 9k alright?

This was immediately followed by a dozen eggs flying at Charlie and a member of the audience screaming “York University was built on blood!” All of the eggs missed and the audience member was routinely shot by Piers Morgan

Q2: What exactly do you do?

Charl: Wow, another fantastic question! Do you lot go to an amazing university?

He proceeded to laugh at his own joke for forty five seconds

Well, that’s very complicated First of all, I am a Professor Second of all, I am a vice chancellor. And third of all, I am answering questions you give me

Q3: I can’t afford to heat my student house.

Char: That's not a question.

This was followed by a short break where Charlie ate a whole chocolate orange in three bites

Q4: Are you happy Charlie?

Charz: Well

Q4 again: No but really, are you happy Charlie? How are you?

Charlie broke down in tears and screamed like a toddler. He did the rest of the Town Hall interview sat cross legged

Q5: Tits or ass?

Charzard: Well, that may be a difficult question based on the history of the university Of course it is difficult with so many separate colleges, each electing their own representatives and having their own rules, yet despite this, we somehow manage to create a unique university experience which champions self expression and identity. So therefore, the college system works, on balance

And feet

Final Question: If there was a burning building, and there was your first born son (aka Goodricke College) and your first born daughter (aka James College) which one would you save?

C: I’d let them both burn.

Charlie then proceeded to run away forgetting his mobile phone and briefcase, which was just full of melted cheese and newspaper scraps

Stenhouse

Wasp To Be Added To Every Lecture Room

To add ‘ energy and enthusiasm’ to 9am lectures, the University of York has agreed to add an a wasp to every room on campus. Announced during The Lemon Press’ annual ‘Wasp Week’, t initiative aims to stop students zoning out and disengaging with their lecturer thanks to being i a constant state of fear of being stung by a mystery wasp Wasps will also be sent to everyone watching the lecture from home, so that the benefits of having a truly pissed off wasp in your room can be enjoyed by everyone no matter how they choose to access their learning

YUSU are said to be interested in allowing societies and on campus speakers to rent out their ow wasps, or ‘equally livid bees should wasp stocks run low’ in order to spice up an underwhelmin social or committee meeting. Sober Soc are rumoured to be considering a ‘why have pres when can have bees’ social, and Free Speech Society have already invited the last few surviving Asia can have bees’ social, and Free Speech Society have already invited the last few surviving Asian giant hornets to give a talk on why banning stinging in society is actually a form of Marxism.

Cameron

Dan Saxotweet

It’s not you, it’s probably just a sex thing

The REAL Reasons Eric Milner Was Closed ﴾No. 4 Will SHOCK You﴿

They were some of the oldest and grottiest buildings on campus the Eric Milner White Courts were best known for being the part of Vanbrugh College that people thought was in James One of the greatest mysteries of the year so far has been as to why Eric Milner was closed down. The official story would have you believe that it is because the buildings were no longer up to standard and needed to be replaced by higher quality blocks, however it is obvious that these are the real reasons for the closure of the blocks:

1. Tiny people were living in the walls. They whispered to me I tried not to listen but they just kept telling me things. Oh god what have I done

2. To CRACK DOWN on the orgies happening in the basements of Eric A

3. An unofficial Charlie Jeffrey breast enlargement centre is expected to be opened up

on the site with himself as its first patient.

4. Money Laundering It’s a little known fact on campus but the Eric Milner courts A and B were fronts for money laundering for the university

The sites were used for funnelling money for “refurbishments” through the buildings to get it into the pockets of the York City Mafia

Matt Davis

How to Start a Crime Syndicate on Campus

University is supposed to be a place that prepares you for life after you leave and enter the “real world.” Whether you want to become an architect, a biologist, philosopher, or you’re on the course to becoming a washed up B rate accountant with an alcohol problem (like acertain flatmate who doesn’t need naming), university is supposed to give you the tools to make that dream come true My personal ambition is to become a high ranking crime boss: the ruthless, cold blooded, black hearted terror of the criminal underworld Naturally, I was quite disappointed to learn upon arrival that York offers no ways to further THAT particular career choice (although there are some shady figures in Popworld...). To fix that horrible oversight, I have compiled a list of several things useful to anyone wanting to start a criminal operation on campus

V Bar: every crime boss must have a headquarters. The slightly dark, gloomily lit interior of this pub makes it perfect for such a place Locate yourself in a shady back room and you’ve made yourself a great hideout It also happens to be where The Lemon Press holds some of it’s socials. Should you ever need to shut down the free press in your domain for opposing your actions, this is the place to be! (Then again, these idiots never really publish anything worth reading, so they might not pose a threat large enough for it to be worth taking action.)

East Campus: exactly the sort of backwater shithole that’s just asking to be flooded with drugs and other illegal items. It also makes a prime target for extortion, since all of its inhabitants are so rich. If, however, you’re looking to base your activities in a place that isn’t in the middle of absolutely fucking nowhere, James College is also an excellent example of such a place

Nisa: this shop is a perfect front for money laundering All the clients are students who are way too thick to realise what’s going on! The shop also sells bird food. Should Derwent College refuse to bow to your rule, forcing you to send them a strong message, this can be used to lure LongBoi into a windowless, unmarked van.

The Lake: this is where to dump the bodies you will inevitably acquire in your line of work. Can also be used to launch the beginnings of your very own pirate fleet (DISCLAIMER:profitability is not guaranteed )

Derwent College: should there be any rivals you need to dispose of without creating a great amount of fuss, offer them free housing in this college. If the asbestos doesn’t do for them, the ceiling might collapse or something.

Biology Department: Just saying, if a few cultures of smallpox go missing, people may not notice immediately The building also contains several greenhouses which are ideal for growing certain “medicinal” plant species.

If you find this advice wildly inspiring, I’m currently hiring henchmen. Plenty of opportunities for advancement as my crime syndicate grows and goes international Interested applicants are requested to present themselves in that sketchy little alleyway next to Walmgate Stray for their top secret interview

Finn Russell

Housemate with ‘Freshers’ Flu’ Just Getting a BBL

Each year thousands of students disappear for a week or two due to the ‘flu’ but darling it’s just not true. They’re all getting BBLs and they’ve been getting away with it for years

Every year they come back from their ‘illness’ with a spring in their step and a statistically implausible redistribution of fat to their butt Sadly a few don’t make it back They end up like the ouroboros of the large ass world, chained to a monster of their own making.

But why is there such a fascination with pumping up the posterior this time of year? It’s me I hand out hundreds of copies of campus newspapers at freshers’ fair and serve the most sensational visual pairing. I’m not Joe Pesci but I’m always carrying a piece and there’s plenty to go around There’s a reason I’ve been hitting my sales targets and it’s not just charm. They’re jealous, they’re scared, and they have every reason to be Will Rowan

‘Woke’ Uni REMOVES Wasps From Email Addresses

Having not heeded the dire warnings of Julie Bindel, officials have allowed the University of York to remove wasps from email addresses Spitting in the faces of the values of Wasp Week, a spokesperson for the soon to be named University of Silly Nonsense said ‘for too long live wasps have been included in email addresses, forcing thousands to be stung whenever they ask for contact details. Taking out these wasps will allow for a more inclusive campus for those who don’t want to be horribly stung, and might even save resident GILF Will Rowan dying at the end of every Freshers Fair after amassing hundreds of stings ’

Frequent wasp lover Toby Young said in response, ‘This is political correctness gone mad. Wasp Week is my personal No Nut November, by removing the wasps you are stopping me nutting all year around. The softy snowflake generation should just suck the stings up rather than demanding “ some random letters” in its place, how am I meant to nut to random letters?’

The University of York, which ranked 24th in the UK for ‘having wasps’ is Vice Chancellor’d by Charlie Jeffery, who earned £289,275 last year, enough to house every wasp in the UK for an entire year Earlier this month, it announced a package of six million wasps to help students through the cost of living crisis saying ‘students won’t have the mental space to worry about the cost of living crisis if they are worried about six million angry wasps on campus ’

Dan Saxotwee

Even at the end of 2022

Better Vending Machines For Campus

This one isn’t even satire, it is a genuine list of better vending machines that should be on campus, because I am tired of getting the same ten options when I have the audacity to be hungry at a time which is outside the cafe’s opening times. I physically cannot eat another waffle

Meal Deals: One row for sandwiches. One row for crisps. One slightly smaller row for the freaks who get fruit as their meal deal snack choice. Three rows for drinks (the most important meal deal option) Has technology not progressed enough so that I cannot select three items at once? Or is the odds that one of the three items gets stuck so high that they legally cannot run the risk?

Cakes: I believe you could replace the entire Open Door team with a stall that gives out those cakes for free. Those little treats have carried me so far emotionally, a genuine highlight of my day with the exact same long term effect on my mental wellbeing as my experience with Open Door (minimal). I would outright marry a cake vending machine

Pies: A machine that drops out a steaming hot pie that you can munch on or throw at your enemies. My more ambitious proposal of including two additional nozzles that release mash and gravy would require more work This isn’t even a joke at this point, I legitimately want these machines. Japan has one for soup and ramen, why can’t we colonise vending machines?

Lemsip: Why can’t I, a good boy who works hard and pays his taxes, get a Lemsip from a cafe if I have a case of mild sniffles? There are several points in my degree where I know I would’ve gotten an entire grade higher if only I had been able to get a Lemsip in the library rather than trekking my sniffly ass home to where my bed is

Dan: Fuck it, I’m putting myself into a vending machine, insert 50p to have me please. I can write anything you want to an almost insufferable level of verboseness that defines any reasonable word count, or I can just sort of hang around in the corner of a room if that works better for you. You can put me back after a while if you want I just like to feel wanted

Dan Saxotweet

POV: I was the egg that knocked out King Charles

SABBS Mid‐Term Review, By Vince The Vole

Here’s the deal: we wanted to do a mid term review of all the Sabbatical Officers from the perspective of someone who isn’t in the perception warping YUSU/student media bubble, but none of us have any friends who aren’t also involved in student media. So, we have employed the help of this random vole we literally just picked up in a field out of desperation We’ve shown him all the Sabbatical Offers and asked him about his thoughts. Here is Vince.

Franki Blimey this is a difficult one. You see, on one hand I obviously lack certain features which prevent me from getting the most out of conventional sports at the university, like orking human eyes, or human limbs, or a sufficiently well paying part time student job to allow me to afford a Black Tier membership However, as someone who has never played sports or knows anyone who has played sports, I haven’t heard anything bad about her, and all the sports lads that run over my field late at night seem to be worried about more important things, like not being at the bottom of the orgy, and the size of the Aryan population

errick Who the fuck is that guy? No, seriously, who the fuck is that guy? I have no ide who that guy is, you’re showing me a picture of a man and expecting me to go ‘oh yeah, cosmic, I know that geezer and can give you 150 200 words on him ’ Fuck off From that one photo you showed me he seems to sure be a bit of a dental flosser. Now, it’s not the easiest thing to convey in a written format, but I am in fact a cockney vole so, like, I want you to appreciate that I am actually calling him a tosse ah forget it, its fuckin impossible to say anything funny about this guy

Rohan Vibes Officer? I thought you said Voles Officer! Genuinely, my hearing is quite shit, which is unusual for a Vole what with the whole blindness thing, I guess that's what twenty years on a building site does to you. Anyway, Vibes Officer, what a shit title I've not seen someone put so much effort into supporting a D Bar since my Uncle Steve got a ten foot sounding rod stuck in his urethra, which is impressive when you consider the two ifferent implications: either a vole somehow got access to a rod of that length and used it, or somewhere along he line a human and a vole became related and yet somehow that’s not the weirdest thing about their life Anyway, Rohan is the worst one as he’s absolutely read this entire piece about sounding rods, the horrible little simp.

Hannah I can imagine the conversation in YUSU. ‘Alright Hannah, love, we’re made you the face of 18000 students' wellbeing needs during the worst cost of living crisis in recent memory, right. But it’s okay, we’re here for you, and we’ve got a solution: BAKED FUCKEN BEANS! Sure, trot along with the manifesto stuff, we’ve already got four TikToks about the beans, no we absolutely cannot use one advertising slot for any of the Safety Guides, we need them all for the beans ’ But anyway, congratulations to her for making all thos leaflets, the trees being demolished for it left a lot of tasty leaves on the ground for me, a vole, to eat.

Deb Deb is doing such a good job mate. It’s always a good sign when the best thing someone can say about a ampaign is that ‘he didn’t do all of the things he said he would do in his manifesto’, like praising a dry heaving dog for only vomiting on a quarter of the carpet then going fucking missing for a month But nah, I’m sure the reason the university ignored YUSU for self certification was because they were intimidated by your political presence, it definitely wasn’t because your Sabbatical presence seems as weak as vole piss Does anyone remember the election poster? Am I, a fucking VOLE, the only one who remembers disabling the label? After all of that, he’s not one anything to disable any labels!

York Pusher Pushed to His Limits

The York Pusher, rumoured to be responsible for countless bodies fond in the Ouse, was pushed to his limits when an attractive woman turned out to be a 17 stone goose. The perpetrator, who has not yet been identified, is described as having

“unusually long arms”, as well as wearing an “I heart York” t shirt. The scene took place at approximately 6pm on Sunday, when the Pusher identified his victim outside The Old White Swan. In what onlookers have described as a “wild goose chase”, the victim was chased to a nearby body of water

the Vole

The Pusher was shocked to realise that when he laid hands on the pretty lady, he was confronted by a very large Barnacle goose The goose picked up their vape, dusted off their Air Forces, and got the 67 back to Derwent

Marti Stelling

Did Twitter survive the muskening?

Vince

Courtyard Once Again a Court‐Yard

Site restored to former glory (hole) The rework includes a new menu, including build your own damages (onions and lettuce 20p extra) and freshly made caveat For afters, why not try the lemon tart?

The dress code is ' come as your favourite amendment' The site is open for all to enjoy during recess. Chairs are not permitted. All items consumed must be consumed standing up On entry, you’ll find the men’s area. This area is reserved for gay sex with added Fun As you cum, “All Summer Long” plays There won’t be any need to ask, “did you?”

A brand new booth has opened called the “wobbler” This area welcomes those who had a bit of a wobble during the day and would like a quiet, safe place Proof of burden required At the new and improved court yard, hand jobs are split into two categories: long or short. If you’re only popping in between seminars, why not try shorthand?

Activities also allowed in the court yard include courting: the slow process of getting to know your future partner before marriage Individuals are required to stay a “build your own sub” distance from each other to avoid sweet, sweet temptation Alongside court yards refurb, D Bar has celebrated its grand reopening under its new name, G Spot Get undressed and cum to your senses.

Follow government guidance and eat out to help out [sorry for the 2020 joke, she once wrote for Nouse Eds]

Marti Stelling

g g y , reason to be in the Student Union bar are drawn here as if hypnotised by some eternal cosmic force The true test of a man [gender neutral version] is not whether they can avoid seeing their ghosts, but rather how long you can avoid eye contact with them.

The 66 : Our vessel for the ghosting tour, whatever time you join the voyage will magically be the time that one other person decides to take a trip away from the place they’ve been hiding in for weeks out of sheer heartbreak after no longer having you. Would you rather stand next to the stretched armpit of the CompSci Postgrad, or sit right in front of your ghostly pal? Your soul will be eternally damned either way

The Shambles: Dare ye risk shuffling down a street where you cannot escape those you have ghosted? Being forced to rub shoulders with that one Tinder person under the unrelenting flow of confused tourists changes a human’s soul forever, not even the slow walking blue man can save you from meeting The Person That Must Not Be Named in close quarters.

[REDACTED] Street: This undisclosed venue scares the soul of even the bravest ghosting seeker Amidst these walls are tales that can never be told lest the fabric holding up student media collapse in on itself Whilst how this location is dealt with varies from person to person, there is only one rule followed by both those inside and outside its domain: never ever message first, lest the curse continue to spin the flat circle of time forever more...

This image was creatively and artistically assembled by Matt Davis, in a similar fashion this space was also filled, verbosely and bemosely by the combined efforts of the senior editorial team (Matt and Dan)

Salvos: sin! Sin! Sin for all those who enter! The eternal attraction of ghostees and ghosters to fornicate unrestrained comes into full force amidst the damp walls and hypnotic lights, nobody can leave this venue without their tonsils creating, or reuniting with, a ghost The only Salvation in this Club is done by the bouncer turning you away for your own good.

Dan Saxotweet

I was used against my will

Entire

Landmass Of

Qatar To Appear On 'I'm A Celeb'

In an attempt to replicate the success of Matt Hancock, the entire landmass of Qatar is set to appear on the next series of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

'We've figured out that the British people are genuinely thick as pigshit with the average emotional capacity of a baby playing Peekaboo. Seeing Matt Hancock act in a way that any human with a pulse would act when surrounded by 11 humans and Boy George has already made him liked by millions, so why can't we replicate that with the entire landmass of Qatar' said a recently promoted Gary Neville.

While the country and its human rights practices are currently getting an absolute, unflinching battering from a media who want to maintain the moral high ground whilst collecting billions in World Cup advertising next month, enough time should have passed by next series for the country to make its reality TV debut Expect to see a tearful Robert Peston give the country a hug and reassure it ' everyone makes mistakes, you ate the kangaroo penis in such a brave way, we all know the potential homosexual connotation of eating a penis was a big deal for you my big strong boy'

FIFA President Gianni Infantino has reportedly already used up his five free votes on the I'm a Celeb app as ' someone made me eat a penis once ' .

Dan Saxotweet

Lizzy the Lezzy is Actually Liz Truss

Liz Truss is at The Edge of Glory, in the worst possible way. The former PM was caught logging onto Crash Pad during an emergency Downing Street conference, causing her to step down as Prime Minister. Despite failing to support the LGBTQ+ community throughout her time in parliament, Truss admits to enjoying The L.

Nichola Sturgeon, also known as Nic the Bi Chick in some circles, called for a general election, recommending the Standing Ovation for Liz We asked Liz Truss for a statement, but she thought we said pillow princess We’re not sure why

Marti Stelling

Kwarteng Reveals Findom Kink

Houses Now Considered An Endangered Species Due to Hunting

It comes around the same time every year. A traditional sport for students to participate in, as old as the University itself House Hunting Every year masses of students head out with their three piece suits to try and capture a nimble young house, to support a group of students for a whole year

After increasing numbers of houses being hunted, the environment agency has now declared Houses to be an endangered species and urges students to stop hunting houses and live in a tent in a field instead. It attached a series of benefits to living in a tent as part of its press release.

Benefits of living in a tent: You can move it around, how fun!

Never miss a lecture. You can camp inside the lecture hall and roll out of bed onto your lecture hall seat.

It’s like you’re always on holiday Everyone loves camping and you get to do it all of the time

With the pound taking a pounding, former chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng has released a statement to calm the markets

Kwarteng said ‘My guiding principle as chancellor is my love for financial domination. I want the UK to be the world leading pay pig state and I offer my total submission to market forces I’m getting off on this ’

Markets responded by further devaluing the pound Kwarteng responded by blasting out a wall in the Treasury

Will Rowan

Catch us on instagram

Hi, it's us, we're the problem

Matt Davis

Image Credit Dan Saxotweet

Cereal Brands Reinvent Themselves for Gen Z

The nation’s most popular cereal brands release new changes in their advertisements in an effort to appeal to Gen Z. A few include: Rice Snaps change their slogan to Snap, Crackle, and Pop this Pussy!

Tony the Tiger is embraced as a “ pro furry DILF”

The Pillsbury Doughboy is now viewed as a body positivity icon

Coco Pops removed their iconic monkey mascot in order to better appeal to adults They explained that this was because they believed that “choccy milk is for everyone, not just for children. Cereal stigma shouldn’t get in the way of enjoying a nice breakfast ”

Lucky Charms’ Lucky the Leprechaun has been fired due to his associations with the IRA (this is genuinely true) so Lucky Charms replaced him with an inoffensive substitute: Andrew Tater Tots

The Special K range have publicly claimed that they are “amazed” by the results of the Special K MILF investigation conducted in 2021 that revealed that the cereal brand had increased the MILF population by over 75%

Ava Young

Lego Introduces New MicroplasticsTM Series

Denmark’s 3rd largest exporter, beaten out only by cinnamon buns and Sandi Toksvig, has recently announced a new addition to its Lego themed sets. “So you know those sets like Lego City, Lego Harry Potter, Lego Star Wars” said a spokesperson, “ we felt like these are outdated compared to modern standards, and do not reflect the modern era of plastic entertainment. The designers put their heads together, and have come up with the brand new Lego MicroplasticsTM series!”

The new ‘MicroplasticsTM’ range is not, as many fanboys believe, a new set based on millions of tiny pieces of plastic for you to put together It is instead designed to be millions of tiny pieces of plastic to be put in your stomach Sets for beginners to master builder will be on sale, ranging in size from 1 micrometre to 10 centimetres in size for you to chew on It also has the advantage of being the least painful set to step on to date, excluding the failed soft plastic ‘DIY LDO’ construction kit.

Questions have been raised as to how well the set will sell, and whether this could damage Lego’s profits in the upcoming fifth quarter. Lego has stated that the production process is extremely cheap compared to their other construction based products, requiring only a sand belt, a sledgehammer or a day trip to the seaside with a fishing net The company have also considered the green impact of unleashing so many oil based blocks into the world, and will encourage previous buyers of their products to reuse their old and unwanted sets by swallowing them too in an attempt to combat both plastic pollution and overpopulation

Ben Brown

Larry The Cat

Resigns

‐ Immediately Unresigns

It’s been a tough couple of months for Larry. With the constant chaos that has been hitting Number 10, Larry thought it best to resign from public office, saying that he could no longer stand with the government and its constant U turns on mousing policy. Within the next hour, he unresigned saying that despite his earlier comments he remained committed to keeping the inflation of Downing Street mice down. In this statement he also decided to reverse the policy of claw cuts that he had set into motion no more than a week earlier.

Matt Davis

Local Dad Discreetly Slowing Down Old Sex Playlist To Keep Rhythm

A local dad has revealed that since he hit 40 he’s slowed down each song on his playlist to ensure he can still keep rhythm. Each and every year they all get 5% slower.

Now Nickleback’s Photograph stretches out for 7 minutes and it’s all the more sexy for it At its usual running time, Coldplay’s Fix You sounds out of place on a sex playlist However, after 10 years of plodding away, it now sounds incredibly romantic The slowed version is dripping with a yearning that’s hard to believe is man made. It feels like some religious experience for this local dad

Unfortunately each year he also lasts 5% less time so now he never makes it to his favourite song on God’s green earth, Jessie’s Girl by Rick Springfield.

Will Rowan

If you don't love me at my worst you probably read what I just wrote

Image Credit Ben Brown

King Charles Insists on Egg Ban for the

Entire British Population

In the wake of the recent royal visit to York much has been made of a UOY student throwing a poultry product at the former Prince of Wales. While the Omelette Outlaw was identified and subsequently banned from carrying eggs in public, King Charles III has expressed urgent desire to expand the reach of this legislation to anyone with a British Passport Reportedly terrified by the fry tening incident, Charles said in a statement, ‘This issue is no yolk, yesterday’s attack has revealed real crack in this nation’s security system and we must not fritter away the opportunity to act quickly, to scramble to change legislation and take these dangerous projectiles out of the hands of those who would wish to harm our most eggscellent monarch’ In a move to show that he remains in touch with his subjects and entirely reasonable, Good King Charlie has magnanimously allowed a few exceptions quail, ostrich and dragon eggs will still be permitted with a licence In an attempt to get the law through Parliament Charles also made the concession that eggs would be permitted as long as they remained precariously perched on a spoon operated by a primary school child, but concerns that teachers would be left unprotected in the event of school egging led to this amendment being scrapped Powerful lobbies have popped up around the country in resistance to the changes and in defence of the right to bear ovums: leading farmers Boggis, Bunce and Bean have expressed serious concern while Jeremy Clarkson attempted to make a point in an Amazon series but this reporter had already used up his free month of Prime Charles’ reign has so far been wracked with controversy, leading to claims that he has been the monarch of his name to have suffered most at the hands of republicanism (the only thing any experts asked could remember about the other two were that the second one looked a lot like Matthew Baynton and released a rather catchy parody of The Real Slim Shady).

In a desperate final play after the changes were rejected in the commons, Charles has invoked the Divine Right of Kings and declared absolute rule over his subjects, executing a number of key officials While concerns were raised amongst his PR team about how this move would be portrayed in season 40 of the Crown, it was decided that the positive impact of his connected execution of Jacob Reese Mogg would probably sway producers in his favour Charles is no stranger to controversy around the disposal of ova but this is the first time he’s been involved in an incident without implying he’d like to metamorphose into a sanitary product.

When asked about implementation of the ban, Charles suggested offenders should be jailed for three months and have all egg related products seized and used for an egg shell earring five minute craft that came up on his TikTok, he added ‘ my family has never been afraid to forcefully take things from their subjects and turn them into jewellery, I don’t know why we’d abandon this tradition now.’

The expected deluge of support for the change from Loyalist Twitter has been more muted than expected, mainly because large portions of royalist groups had explicitly banned agreement with vegans in their bylaws.

How this situation will develop is anyone’s guess, but anyone relying on anything other than a strong armed and committed implementation of the ban with money previously set aside for the NHS and foodbanks is strongly advised not to count their chickens

Rishi Sunak’s Waterpark Closed

The great tragedy of Splishy Sunak, is that very few people were able to experience it before it all came crashing down Sunak was too busy ignoring his Prime Ministerial role to truly take care of his waterpark idea. All meals were 50% off, and were also only cooked for 50% of the recommended time, meaning that many people were taken ill after eating at the restaurants in Splishy Splashy Sunak.

The ride ‘Economic Crash Mountain' was deemed unhealthy for people to ride, leaving people throwing up, shocked, and unable to make a quick recovery. In addition, the kids attraction, ‘Brexit bounce y castle' hasn't proved to be much better either with riders leaving the ride feeling disoriented and somewhat disappointed by the bounce it provides not being as big as they were expecting

Sunak is rumoured to have made 4 million pounds off of the short lived and largely disappointing endeavour, there are also rumours that he is planning on opening a version of the park in Russia where the lax rules regarding food hygiene and ride safety will allow it to stay open for much longer and allow more money to be made for the Sunak dynasty

Matt Davis

When we start using TikTok properly

Eddie Atkinson

Orange

Man Drops Grape

Last week in south London a grape was dropped at approximately 10 am Sunday morning The victim, a certain Mr Smith, described by his neighbours as “that asshole next door”, reported to our correspondent on the scene:

“It was a morning just like any other. I’d just woken up, had an early morning whisky and also a couple of beers, just to keep things healthy, and was just about to eat some grapes, when one of them slipped out of my hands and landed at my feet, can you believe it? I was outraged!”

When asked how this horrific experience impacted his life, Mr Smith erupted into a raging fit that lasted several minutes and resulted in the destruction of our recording device, our camera and a parked car Most of what he said has unfortunately been censored by our editorial staff, as it was deemed “inappropriate for young children, or anyone at all really”, but he made it explicitly clear that the incident ruined his entire week and that the farmer whose land the grape grew on is responsible for every misfortune that has befallen him since childhood

Our deepest feelings of regret go with Mr. Smith. His sufferings are beyond imagination and this incident properly reflects both the cruel nature of fate and the dismal state society in general has sunken into Therefore, we request any readers with even the slightest hint of a moral compass to donate a shit ton of cash so he can enjoy six months at an expensive rehabilitation resort in the Caribbean. We also hope to draw attention to grape droppers in general, so that these damned souls can be supported as necessary, and we hope to educate the wider public on the many risks associated with grape ownership.

Finn Russell

Strike Reporters To Go on a Month Long Strike:

It is a little known fact that strike reporters come from a small group of people that hand out their press releases to local and national newspapers Given the uptick in levels of strikes over the last year, they are facing an ever growing workload and are unhappy with the conditions that they are having to report under. With new strikes being announced weekly, the reporters are having to stay in work overtime to be able to keep up with the pace of the announcements. They claim they are unhappy to continue reporting in this state of affairs without some additional pay and holiday to compensate for this increase in their workload.

As a result of these growing tensions between them and their employers over the issue of working conditions they are set to go on strike for the entirety of December, including Christmas and Boxing Day. but sadly no one will hear of how long they will remain on strike as it is their job to report on those facts.

And now a comment from our interviews with members of the public on the topic: “Who? Never heard of them ”

Matt Davis

Team Truss EXCLUSIVE Leak ‐ Thrusting Britain into the Future

Like many of us, I am sure you are wondering, what would have become of Britain if Liz Truss had remained in office? Well wonder no more! The Lemon Press is pleased to announce that it has got its hands on a document outlining a few key policies that Mrs Truss was keen to push through Parliament before her time in Number 10 was cut tragically short. Below is an unedited extract that offers a peek into the Britain that was stolen from us:

Streamline Planning Laws

The people are Britain are fed up with red tape and busybody local councillors Our new planning laws will crush these useless obstructions beneath our heals until they squeal No longer will peeking Toms interrupt personal DIY or any project within the boundaries of the home, even with external contractors. We are certain that this will lead to a construction boom of great British backdoors and basements

Appoint a 'British Domestic Sales Ministry' Minister This new domineering Minister of State will oversee the free exchange of goods and services between consenting parties within the Britain They will ensure that contracts are drawn up freely without coercion, and that the suitable boundaries are maintained where previously agreed

Re-Introduce National Service - Our idle youth are letting the nation down, preferring to be part of the anti growth coalition than embracing Britain's great mission. We will take these bums and whip them into shape, building a healthier, fitter, more rugged workforce. We will ensure all sexes are ready to don a

uniform and are proficient at knots and ropework.

Increase Child Benefit Unlike the small state Stalinists, Team Truss recognise the value of government investment in our greatest national asset. Hence we will undertake some demand side intervention to encourage an increase in MILF production. As with the suggestions above the economic benefits are self evident.

Clamp Down On Disruptive Protest

To ensure the smooth flow of SUVs on our roads, new powers will be granted to police forces across the country All officers will carry leashes and collars for the quick deployment of police dogs. Chains and cuffs will be the first response to any protest, escalating swiftly to tasers and batons. Additionally, with knife crime on the rise a unform upgrade for officers is necessary; study leather will protect our brave officers with an optional face covering for additional protection.

it's over for other student media groups @thelemonpress

The Most Popular Baby Names of 2021 Reviewed

The office for national statistics has recently published the top 10 most popular boys and girls names for 2021 in England and Wales Now we can finally see how creative all those couples who ran out of condoms in lockdown truly are. Spoiler alert, it’s not very. If you haven’t seen already, here are the stats: (Insert image here) I will now pick apart each of the most popular names individually, starting with the lads

Noah I remember in primary school when Noah was just some weird bloke who kidnapped a bunch of animals in some old dusty book. Today Noah sits as the name King after an astounding ascension from being 225th in 1996 So, congratulations to Noahs everywhere. Have a gold star.

Oliver Coming in at 2nd place is the previous year’s champion. Olivers everywhere will now hold a bitter resentment for anyone called Noah and are legally obliged to engage them in a battle to the death. I’m on team Noah for this one. The most notable thing an Oliver has ever done is ask for another portion of some shitty food.

George The English patron saint or the author of Lord of the Rings with sex. Not too much to say about this one, solid choice

Arthur Arthur is a fantastic name! Arthur is a brilliant name! I have never met a not nice Arthur in my life! Arthurs are the best people ever! I have a flatmate called Arthur! Arthur is absolutely not forcing me to write nice things about his name at gunpoint! That would be ridiculous! Arthur!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Muhammad The most popular name in the world comes in at a respectable number 4. The vast majority of these babies will have been named after the Prophet Muhammad who founded Islam, a religion which has a large presence in this country. You see we’re not just funny, we actually teach you stuff. Sometimes.

Harry Interestingly enough, not a single Harry was born in Manchester last year whereas the name has been skyrocketing in Tottenham over the past few. Really makes you think…

Oscar Naming your child Oscar is a really poor choice as you’re setting them on a path to live one of two incredibly shitty lives. Either they become a gigantic asshole that nobody likes, spend all their money on cocaine and scratch cards and then become homeless and live in a bin The other option is for them to have a really successful career, be loved by everyone and be a huge inspiration to so many people and then unload a Beretta M9 into their wife at point blank range

Archie You know that indescribably annoying child at the park The one with a buzz cut and whose parents are far too busy having a screaming argument with each other than to stop this little shit pushing some poor 6 year old off the top of the climbing frame. The one that shouts and yells and swears at parents and children alike That’s Archie He’s a Mistake

Righto onto the ladies

Olivia Olivia has been slaughtering the competition for most popular girls name for over 6 years now It was number 1 in every single Welsh and English region apart from the West Midlands which instead chose

Amelia as their number 1 Oooohhh look at the West Midlands being all unique and special! Now is the part where I would usually absolutely tear into this painfully average in all metrics group of counties but a sizable portion of my family lives there and I don’t really want to piss them off. Hello if any of you are reading this Please don’t disown me

Ava I knew this would be high up cause I know quite a few people who called their daughters Ava in recent years I’m legally obliged to not chat shit about this name for that reason, so I’ll just say that I’ve never heard of a famous Ava and move on

Ivy Ivy? Why would you call your kid Ivy? Ivy is a weed that is a pain in the ass to deal with cause of how much it fucks up brick walls. I have personal experience with this fact and have developed a vendetta against this stupid plant as a result Its like calling your kid nettle or thistle or something like that. Oh no people are going to start calling their kids those as well now! I’ve started something. Please don’t do this or I will come and find you and give a lecture on how much of an idiot you are.

Lily This right here is a plant name that is nice and isn’t a weed and actually makes sense Lilies have pretty flowers and cool pads and are all around just top tier plants. There are also some cool famous lilies too like Lily James Watch some of her films, they’re good.

Willow What’s the deal with so many popular girls names being to do with plants? I know they’re not on this list, but some other ones are Rose, Jasmine, Leilani and Erica amongst so, so many others. If that’s the case, then why is the same not true for boys? The only one I can think of is Rowan and I’ve never met a Rowan in my life, so I’m reasonably convinced that ‘name’ is just an elaborate joke. We aught to have baby boys called Cacti or Oak or Foxglove or just any plant Actually, maybe not foxglove Bit too weird. Anyway, that is my task for everyone reading! Call any male babies you have something to do with plants to try and even out this huge imbalance! I believe in you!

Samuel Burrows

Which PM Will Be Brutally Stung to Death With No Mercy Or Regard For Their Children Next?

Well well well, it’s wasp week! And what a time, we’ve had three PM’s in three months, and you know what that mean Where should the hive strike next?

After the mutilation of Lizzzzzz Truss (lot of Z’s because that’s the sound wasps make #fact) the wasps have struggled to find their next martyr Wasps have a clear culture: devour, kill and maim The 1922 committee throw failed MP’s to the hive when they fail to slash benefits to the poor and the wasps dig in. But, a new PM means a new victim, will the wasps have glory this month? Polls show that Rishi Sunak is a person and that I have no idea how polls work. However, the wasps see no polls, only points for stinging because they have points on there nevermind

Look I’m going to level with you here, the editor has been shoehorning wasp week for the last few months and any time I try to say anything against it he just screams at me “the wasps will come for you lock your doors lock your doors you are not safe”. I’m scared. Apparently Dan hasn’t been home in weeks, he’s just been walking around collecting wasps in his ‘jar of jelly’.

He hasn’t slept in days! He keeps insisting that wasp content is fun and people will enjoy it, and if they don’t he quotes Hosea 13:16 “ they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up ”

Please for the love of God just let wasp week happen And whenever you see Dan collecting wasps just leave him alone He may try and get you to come see his collection of goods, but it’s just wasps. This is a warning.

New Line of Prime Minister Vape Juice

Are you tired of puffing on the same old vape? Do you yearn to feel a mega rich PM between your lips? The Prime Minister vape promises disposable, fruity fun without the concern for public safety But don’t just take it from us, hear what our rave reviews have to say:

“I highly recommend the Liz Truss vape juice In just 50 days, I was able to stop for good!”

“For me, the Margret Thatcher has got to be the best vape I’ve ever tasted It had a smoky flavour, almost like coal with hints of stolen milk.”

“My Tony Blair vape just won’t stop puffing I’ve been through countless vapes in the past and I can’t seem to get to the end of this one ”

For those looking for a more traditional flavour, why not try the James Callaghan E Liquid? Top notes are winter berries and discontent. Our Prime Minister vape comes in 56 flavours and is coming to a cabinet near you Collect them all!

Marti Stelling

Cameron Stenhouse

Surprising Answer in Recent Poll For the Prime Minister’s Approval:

In a poll conducted by Ipsos Mori aimed at assessing the public’s confidence in the Prime Minister, the top result was a write in answer under the column other, “Please stop surveying me.” Robert Lewis of Ipsos MORI said, “This is an unprecedented phenomenon in polling, never before have people been so against being asked their opinion by strangers, we plan to perform another survey to figure out why this is the case ”

Other recent data has shown that polls are performing 41% less well with the general public than they were in 2017 but have become 63% more popular with market research companies over the same period.

James Brown, someone who had been surveyed numerous times in the past year had this to say, “I’ve been surveyed numerous times in the past year, and each time I have been entered into a draw to win an amazon gift card, and not once have I won! I’m sick of it!” But what do you think? Tweet us including either #pollyes or #pollno to vote in our Twitter poll so you can have your say on whether people have been polled too much recently.

Matt Davis

Cost of Living Latest: Milk Up, Bread Up, Cum Still Free

We’re just getting in the latest from the British Retail Consortium through Kevin the Intern He’s an unpaid natural at our ticker tape led Bloomberg terminal:

‘Milk up, bread up, cum still free Gilts up, gilfs put down, baby shoes still for sale, detached homes up, bungalows downstairs, cum still free. Fruit down, vegetables up, Debbie not free, cum still free. Cakes up, cake behind, biscuits same, identical twins same but one put down, big baby shoes for sale, cum still free Roads closed, Spotify up, Reddit gone down, freshers up, accommodation less up, cum still free. I’m up, Debbie’s down, cum still free.’

Will Rowan

TLP’s Gamer Dating Guide Using Their Steam Library

Need some gussy? Need that gamer boy dick desperately? Lagging out too much for you to make a move on them? Fret not, my fragged out friend! Let me hold your hand through the dangerous world of dating, using the ultimate guide to decide whether they are the one for you: their Steam games collection

Battlefield/COD Generic triple A shooter set during either WW2 or the Gulf War? Reliable, yet boring. I honestly can’t tell the difference between these games, and its unsurprising that I can’t tell the difference between the players either If you are looking for something more interesting, look literally anywhere else. Consistent but unexciting performance in bed

FIFA (any version) Same game, different release date. Battlefield/ COD, but is a football lad Which probably doesn’t help the core issue. At least if you picked one up in the local Spoons you know they go outside, which is a plus

League of Legends Ask them the last time they showered If they don’t respond, move on. If they tell you, ignore them and move on. They’re lying, trust me. Don’t go out with a League player. Ever.

CSGO Red flag. Probably racist. Definitely violent.

Dating Games/Anime Games Some really weird shit in these. Like REALLY weird shit Like you won’t be able to stop thinking about just how nasty it was who would make this lord have mercy upon us was kind of shit. How these ungodly Steam profiles disgraced your poor, sensitive eyes will forever be a mystery Block, report, downvote and move on.

Among Us A real tie breaker. It is very important to determine when they got the game. During April 2020 to play with friends online? Acceptable Keep digging, as it was very popular during the early pandemic and doesn’t reveal much. Bought it last week to play by themselves? BIG red flag Avoid at all costs, block them on all socials. How the fuck did they get 700 hours on it anyway?!

Tetris A true retro gamer, probably hops onto that ancient Windows 95 ‘puter in their downtime for a quick sesh. They have got to be at least 50, if not 60, but Tetris is the only game they have on their account, so just think of the cash they have saved up to splash out on you! Sugar gamer daddy, anyone?

The Sims Vanilla kind of game played by lonely people, lucky you may have a shot! It may be worth checking to see if they are living out weird fantasies in game, such as naming Sims after their exes and leaving them in a swimming pool to drown Any man who plays this is a bottom and should be treated as such.

Ben Brown

5 Explanations for the Ice Caps Melting That Are BETTER Than Global Warming

Ice Melts At Room Temperature?!: This one feels obvious; ice has always melted at room temperature; if it didn’t God I wish it didn’t the ice sculpture of a father figure I chiselled to fill the gaping hole in my soul would still be standing in my living room and I might have some stability in my life But it isn’t and it doesn’t and I don’t. A room is somewhere someone lives, we live in the world so it follows that the world is a room. As such the world is room temperature and no grand ‘scientific’ explanation is needed for the melting.

Big Lolly: Have you ever bitten into a Solero and got the slightest hint of polar bear piss? No? Really? What? Anyway, it’s long been theorised that the head honchos down at Fab HQ and Rocket Inc have been secretly influencing global events but what has been less thoroughly investigated is where they get their delicious disco sticks of yum from in the first place Like energy, ice cannot be created or destroyed; as such Big Lolly (with help from Elves disillusioned with the seasonal nature of their former employment) has taken to carving out individual treats from the polar ice caps ready for packaging and distribution. The figures have been blaming the diminishing size of the body on apparent ‘melting’ a phenomenon clearly an impossibility under the laws of thermodynamics

Febrile Flippered Foes: Many so called ‘scientists’ hold the position that humans are the species to have added the most heat to the planet in recent centuries extensive research (Happy Feet, Surf’s Up and Penguins of Madagascar 2: Electric Boogaloo) has led this reporter to conclude that this simply isn’t the case our flightless frenemies have for years escaped blame while being consistently documented huddling for warmth Warmth? But warm makes melt! Exactly Case closed

Deus Ex Meltina: The incessant release of true crime documentaries with incredibly attractive people playing serial killers has left the Lord God absolutely seething. Unable to send the traditional tsunami due to budgetary restrictions (quite a lot was spent on legal fees for the Catholic church) the Holy GOAT has turned to less direct means of flooding.

A Final Theory: My extensive, first hand, research has led me to believe that, rather than the ‘Global Warming’ nonsense touted by ‘experts’ and ‘scientists’ it may in fact be the case that a build up of gases (which I have chosen to refer to as ‘greenhouse gases’ as I discovered them in that area of my garden) has occurred in the upper atmosphere which has led to a blocking of reflected solar rays that would usually depart, trapping them on the planet and thereby causing a sort of ‘Planetary Heating’ eat that leftists!

Eddie Atkinson

Wasp Week Tips To Wasp‐Up

Your Wednesday!

We’ve heard so much about wasp week but the question on everybody’s lips is “how can I join in,” that’s why we have given you a few tips to help wasp up make Wednesday of Wasp Week special.

Have A Picnic: Wasps Love a picnic! What do you mean it's the early winter now and as soon as you go outside you ar hit by an impenetrable fog and unending rain? Have a nice meaty picnic, I’m talking cocktail sausages, chorizo, salami, hit by an impenetrable fog and unending rain? Have a nice meaty picnic, I’m talking cocktail sausages, chorizo, salami, leftover chicken. Have a couple of scotch eggs as well. The wasps will love that and will flock over to join you.

Watch The Wasp Movie: The wasp movie is a classic and well loved amongst its fans although not widely known among a broader audience. That being said it is the perfect film to watch on any Wednesday but especially the Wednesday of wasp week. The most waspiest of wednesdays

Write A List Of All Of The Things You Hate About Bees: There are so many things to hate about bees and Wednesdays are a great day to get out all of your rage with bees. “Why are you so weak, bees? Scared of a little pesticide huh!? Disappointing, I thought bees were supposed to be cool.” Anything along those lines would really help to make your Wednesday waspier.

Have An Outdoor Party, Or A Regular Party With All Of The Doors/Windows Open: Leave lot of cups, glasses and open bottles of whatever your favourite alcoholic drink is, a little known fact about wasps is that they are very friendly especially if you offer them a little bit of your alcohol, anything will do from the cheapest of knock off Strongbow ciders to the bougiest of sparkling wines.

A Guide To Screaming

Step 1 Location: If you have made the brave decision to start uncontrollably screaming, location is not a question of ‘where in the world will fewest people hear me’ but rather ‘where will cause the most damage to my enemies and draw the most intrigue from unconventionally attractive people who are into loudly damaged students?’. Student neighbourhoods and accommodation blocks are popular picks for this very reason

Step 2 The Intake Of Breath: Look, after a certain number of screams the authorities will be out in force to stop you, so you need to maximise the impact made with every precious yell The breath intake is an excellent opportunity to steal oxygen from people who don’t deserve it. What’s the point in you being the local throat goat if you can’t open up that oesophagus to deprive landlords of O2? The more work you do here, the easier the following steps are!

Step 3 Picking The Right Volume: Loudest I’m not pissing around here, mate, if you’re going to commit to screaming you better not sound like you’re faking the third orgasm of the night in your parent’s house Anything short of blood curling window shattering soprano level lung action is a failure

Step 4 The Exhale: Experts have called this step ‘like forcing a massive log out, but in the opposite direction to usual’. You need to push that air out of you as if you were birthing a baby of your own misery, a complete and utter lung deflation as the world reverberates around you. It’s like Skyrim, and the world is your Mudcrab.

Step 5 Dealing With The Aftermath: Not our problem This is a guide to screaming, not post scream aftercare. The resultant confusion and social outcasting that comes from your perfectly executed outburst is completely your mess to clean up, I cannot express to you how little of a shit I give about how your life is worse off now.

Dan Saxotweet

Matt Davis

Does the Magazine You Are Reading Right Now Say

About You?

Well, to be quite frank, you’re beautiful, and intelligent, and a just a little bit shy from time to time. Oh, and don’t get me started on your hair, so full of life But what about your smile? Of course, it makes me feel giddy with joy! How I wish I could spend the day listening to you laugh. Those eyes, oh those eyes! Scanning, scanning, scanning Stop Stare. Shock.? Awe!? All I see is beauty. Deep and alluring I begin to tense up And then I feel it, your hands, soft yet firm, taking hold of me. Don’t ever let go! Draw me close CLOSER let me take a sniff. *sniffs*

Wait What is this? Flying, falling! Was it something I said? You bastard, you bitch. I did not mean a word, they were lies, all lies Your greasy as hair and uneven eyes, why would I want you anyway? You thought you were good enou

Darkness A strange smell Grease A ha, a pizza box So, you think I’m trash, you’re all the same. But one day. One day you’ll see

Niall McGenity

What

Just some white dads at the barbecue

Ava’s Film Reviews

(I’ve never seen these movies, this is just an analysis based on what I imagine the movies would be like if I could afford to watch them.)

Don’t Worry Darling: Florence Pugh is paid an extraordinary amount of money to pretend to not be embarrassed by Harry Styles’ acting. I doubt it was enough.

Ticket to Paradise: how your parents’ divorce would have gone if they went to therapy

Nope: an asshole shaped spaceship flies around and eats people Daniel Kaluuya is completely unfazed by this.

My Policeman: David Dawson is also paid a lot of money to act unfazed by Harry Styles’ acting abilities. I doubt he was paid enough, either

Bullet Train: Brad Pitt plays the best Asian lead since Scarlett Johanson in Ghost in the Shell Blonde: anti abortion propaganda (also allegedly applies to the Twilight saga)

The Northman: The Icelandic version of Taken

The Outfit: Mark Rylance is held at gunpoint to make a suit (for however long the runtime is)

Lightyear: military propaganda for kids

Top Gun: Maverick: military propaganda for adults

Sonic the Hedgehog 2: the last film of Jim Carrey’s career Why he would end on such a low point I have no idea

The Batman: Robert Pattinson has his Tumblr 2014 emo goth moment live on camera.

See How They Run: spoiler alert! They don’t run that fast

Men: as soon as I saw the title I knew it was going to be a horror movie Morbius: the greatest film ever made. It’s Citizen Kane on a Marvel budget.

It’s About Time We Talk About How Problematic The Minions Are

The impact of the Minions franchise is immeasurable and ungovernable. Sure they’re silly, goofy, and entirely fictional but thatdoesn’t disguise or excuse their sinister intent They’ve arrived with an agenda that’s hard to overlook: one that’s dangerous, provocative, and unabashedly queer coded Everyone’s seen the way Bob and Kevin have been animated to look at each other you’re telling me it doesn’t make you question things? Feel something? A little tingle, perhaps? The homoerotic tension between the two would be fine if it didn’t make me irrationally enraged Not just that, but not a single female minion amongst its flock of yellow? Not even one? Who are the viewers supposed to root for, wish to reunite together and kiss, fall in love, maybe even get to second or thirdbase if time allows? (side note: we NEED to discuss the lack of sex positive minion representation on film It’s genuinely pretty disgusting. Not a single flash of yellow bulge anywhere there’s no reflection of my body at all ) Of course the biggest crimecommitted by these tiny puerile anthropomorphs is their blatant disregard for appropriate dress I don’t want to slutshame imaginary characters but I’m going to. The animators really have the audacity to give them overalls with NO SHIRT on underneath and not even animate them hyper realistic human body parts so I can sexualise them? What’s the point then? Nonetheless, I will be attending the Minions: The Rise of Gru premiere but ONLY so I can boo at, and take photos of, the tiny yellow creatures that are sending us on the pathway to hell It’s called self care

Arts

Bamzooki Reboot Cancelled After Contestant Recreates Rampant Rabbit And Wins

A reboot of popular kids game show Bamzooki was cancelled last night following a ‘depraved initial showing’ Long time fans tuned in to find a parade of sex toys designed by previous winners march to victory

The creator of the winning Zook told us ‘actually I got a pretty sweet deal here. It turns out that sex toys are just really good in the world of Bamzooki, they’re practically built for the challenges and look pretty good out there Also, I got paid for product placement and my friend Jerry burst a lung seeing us win ’ This cancellation follows the canned Hole in the Wall reboot and a universally condemned Big Brother spinoff of Pingu.

Humpfrey? I sure hope he does!

These pages were brought to you by

Ava Young

Jake

Soup‐remacy Is On The Rise! Stay

Aware!

Most of you will be familiar with the harrowing incident that occurred recently where an innocent Van Gogh work was viciously assaulted by a gang of radical soup remacists As scary as this was, no lasting harm came to the poor painting due to the brave actions of the piece of glass placed in front of it We at The Lemon Press think this is soup er uncool. We also endorse the soup lexing of any supporters of soup remacy. Maybe if soup erman was real then he could’ve stopped it Since he’s not available then maybe Sou Perkins could do something instead. Ok, I’m sorry, that last one was a stretch

Samuel Burrows

What music will they play?

Hulk Hogan Releases New Home Training Video For Chess

In between spitting racist rants on his numerous sex tapes, the retired American wrestler, Terry Eugene Bollea, better known by his ring name "Hulk Hogan", has released an at home chess training video. The VHS bundle, consisting of two tapes, has a running time of just over 8 hours, divided into 16 chapters, all devoted to perfecting your game. The first few chapters deal with opening and middle game strategies; Hulk’s ideal opening is to “choose white, it’s better to be white." By the end of the first chapter, which is only thirty minutes into the eight hour experience, Hulk’s voice becomes extremely hoarse and raspy, so much so that the remaining seven and half hours are barely intelligible There are constant jump cuts; Hulk’s expression and appearance becoming more dishevelled as he hunches over his chess board with many pieces, in fact, missing. The final chapter on endgames ends dramatically with him clutching his left arm and slamming his head on the chessboard, falling to the floor with enough force to shake the camera After watching the training video, I felt inspired to play a game of chess, and to cut back on my anabolic steroid use

Adam Berry

Oh no, He’s Done It Again Dean Norris

Accidentally Tweets “How To Fuck God”

This guy just can’t catch a break, huh? Following on from his semi recent “ sex gifs” tweet, last week the American actor (best known for portraying Hank Schrader in AMC’s Breaking Bad) tweeted simply, “how to fuck god”, presumably mistaking the twitter interface with that of the google search bar We’ve seen a definite increase in ‘mishaps’ regarding the Breaking Bad cast members’ online presence We have, at time of publication, Bob Odenkirk publicly following the Instagram account "perfect feet in sexy shoes", Aaron Paul’s public Amazon wishlist (which includes his own stunt dummy (to be auctioned), ten litres of pig blood and a fake passport), and now this.

Adam Berry

I Am One of the Three People who Watch The Walking Dead in 2022. This Is My Story. When The Walking Dead first aired in 2010, I bet the showrunners never imagined that the show would still be running twelve years later. I bet they also didn’t imagine that a then six year old me would be one of the last resilient few who were actually watching it. But here we are. See, I’ve not been watching this show for long, maybe only just over half a year, so I think the near lightspeed rate which I have been going through the 147 episodes is quite impressive. Or maybe I’m just a masochist I think both possibilities are equally likely And in only a few weeks, I will have a huge, Jeffery Dean Morgan shaped hole in my heart since the whole show is nearing its end I’m already dreading the severe withdrawal symptoms I’ll have, which may include severe bouts of crying and buying copious amounts of ice cream from Nisa and consequently going bankrupt. But I have only myself to blame. The Walking Dead is like fast food It tastes alright and isn’t complicated but causes severe health problems if you consume too much of it.

Samuel Burrows

a compressed 2 hours of insanity

Arts

Worm Questions From Your Partner: A Guide

We’ve all been there, or known someone who has been there: you’re having a laugh with your significant other, and they turn to you and ask “ no but seriously, would you...”, and proceed to ask the most brain splitting question ever conceived by the human race. Yet they look so earnest that you know whatever you say is going to be wrong and judged by both them and their most online friends in the group chat. So here I am, as a guy who has dated a wide variety of partners who definitely do not have a troubling amount of similarities, to tell you how to answer these questions perfectly

Would

You Still Love Me If I Was A Worm?

Oh sweety pooh, my darling, you ask the silliest questions! Does your stummy hurts? You always say the funniest things when you have an ouchy wowchie tum tum! Remember when you thought you saw THAT name on my phone and you asked for hours why they would message me? Remember, you didn’t see that! So you don’t need to ask about the worm, you know I only want you, like I’ve told you! How about we just let those silly little ideas, about me only loving you on a surface level rather than your unspoken belief that we should have a soul mate bond which would survive you losing both physical and communication likeness to your current self, pass us by? I’ll put on the dancing vegetables again if you promise!

That’s an oddly specific question

Would You Still Love Me If I Was A Worm That Had Its Own Gravitational Pull?

Who is asking these?

Would You Still Love Me If I Was A Massive Worm Who Has Somehow Managed To Lose A Mega Famous Cloud From ‘Nope’?

...It can’t be... we agreed not to talk...

Would You Still Love Me If I Was The Biggest Worm From Dune?

....

Would

You Still Love Me If I Was A Worm With My Human Mouth And Brain?

Finally a real question. Yes, I love you for who you are and your physical appearance does not fundamentally sway that one way or another. With your human brain and communication I would cherish you as my little worm, I would take you everywhere in my pocket just like I’ve always wanted. Plus, you only having a mouth might finally make you good at oral

Would You Still Love Me If I Was The Biggest Worm From Dune?

I don’t love you anymore

(A gasp that manages to breathe in an entire field of schoolchildren)

You Still Love Me If I Was A Worm Who Had An Identical Worm Twin Who Appeared Next To Me The Second The Worming Took Place?

Would

Of course! I’m just so attracted to your energy babe, I’d be able to tell which worm was you just by vibes, I’d squash that fucking fake imposter worm on the spot for daring to hope to imitate the perfection of my beautiful wormier half Please can we put the film back on now.

Would You Still Love Me If I Got The Kids Good Value Combo At Odeon Cinema, And Also I Was A Worm That Threatened The Stability Of The Tectonic Plates Every Time I Sneezed?

Obviously, I find it so fucking hot how you resist the system and buy the size of cinema snack that is, quite honestly, all you need for most average length films. Capitalist media culture has got you thinking you need to buy a massive popcorn for £10 and stuff it whilst you watch advertisements for other media that only exists to sell you more popcorn. You’re intelligent of mind enough to rebel against the machine, yet beautiful of soul enough to still yearn for a tasty little treat., wait what the fuck did you say about sneezing?

Would You Still Love Me If I Was A Worm That Threatened The Stability Of The Tectonic Plates Every Time I Sneezed?

It was never love It was a stunt, you were a massive pulsating THING that wanted ME, I wasn’t doing marathon runs around the rim of your hole to please you, I was doing it because I could DO that to YOU and it made ME feel good! Me! I flooded that village with worm juices with MY skills, everyone in the continent could see you and only I got you, I loved you as a symbol of my own power, I never loved you for you, so look upon my worm cum work, ye almighty, and fucking DESPAIR.

.....

I’m sorry I love you

Could I have that Blink-182 Shirt Back Please? It Has A Lot Of Sentimental Value.

Sorry, it’s currently being used to cover a hole in the ozone layer.

Dan Saxotweet

‘Avatar: The Way of Water’ To Be Unreleased

The long awaited sequel to ‘Avatar’ is going to be unreleased from cinemas in just a few weeks time. When pressed by The Lemon Press on when Avatar 2 would be released James Cameron had this to say, “It was just a bit of trolling, never planned to release it this decade. Just get over it and wait another 10 years And you know you’ll go and watch it anyway because I’m James fucking Cameron'.

Matt Davis

NO NO NO NO NO NO

MAJOR CRINGE ALERT! Nick Cannon says he WILL continue to have more children in the future and that the next four will be named Eeny, Meeny, Miny, and Mo, respectively Do you think he’s going to be our generation’s Gengis Khan? If so, do you think this counts as cultural appropriation? Vote yes or no in the comments!

LOL MOMENT! Top Ten things you should NOT say to someone who voted for Trump in 2020:

Number 1: that’s so slay! (spoiler alert it’s actually really not)

SMASH or PASS on these problematic figures from the past: Number 1: Ronald Reagan (our take: we reckon what he cut from all those welfare programs he made up for in the bedroom)

Do you think these SUPER controversial movie moments should have made it to screen?

Number 1: In Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007) do you think those rats should’ve covered up and have their bodies CENSORED or do you think they should have been slutted up?

Woke Warriors Attack Innocent Billionaire

Who Made Comedy Legal Again

The woke mob are at it again, persecuting a man who won't bow or conform to their liberal agenda Famed genius Elon Musk is the latest victim for saving free speech through his purchase of notorious place for intellectual discussion, Twitter

Elon, a man known for his philanthropic and heroic actions, decided to buy Twitter in order to show his support for free speech and comedy not because his overwhelming hubris or the possibility of a much larger penalty for pulling out (something he cannot do in bed).

This paragon of free speech has owned the libs the only way he knows how by memeing on them so hard and banning them off his platform for insinuating he'd have such stupid ideas like a one way underground tunnel that only two cars can drive through at a time, creating what is essentially a worse subway

the worm is forever

Give us the LONG NUMBER on the front of your bank card and the THREE DIGITS on the back and we’ll tell you what type of bread you are! It’s giving emBREADzzlement!

Tell us your WORST childhood trauma story and we’ll tell you where your DREAM holiday is! Your dad ruined your family financially and then left after six weeks? The UK it is!

Do you think it is still ACCEPTABLE to buy M*LK in 2022?

Our take: Ugh! Of COURSE milk has a blue top and a label :/ Pick a pastry and we’ll decide what type of family dynamic you have!

Croissant? Looks like SOMEONE has a bad relationship with their mom!

The cancel culture wokearti have gone after the man and hismany profitable companies using a fake account to say Teslas are the most advanced explosive device on the market, that he employs children to mine lithium and that his factories have created a new form of PTSD These claims about how he treats his employees are based in fiction. Because let's be real, no wants a job that pays a wage you can actually survive on or a job that ensures your safety is the top priority. That's simply the product of woke radical socialist propaganda I'll take the praise of an incredibly rich man over making a livable wage and keeping my sanity any day of the week.

Mom I frew'd up

She dumped me after finding out I'm a waspshe's a wasp!

"Imagine you are me; a 20 something (in wasp years) down on his luck wasp, wanting to try his luck on the dating scene. You download all the dating apps that appropiate your culture to an almost unbeliievabl degree; Bumble. Buzzinge.

Tinderrtheresawasponme.

Eventually after hundreds of swipes and dead convos you find your soulmate You insantly click, you love the same kind of rotten fruits and listen to the same terrified screams of children whenever you fly by

Where do you take a wasp you have never met on a first date? Everyone always goes to the bins behind Nisa, it's basically a breeding ground for

likeminded freaks, the same few regulars coming in and out of the regular joint like used and abused miners down a sick sick love mine Woud you, human, take your soulmate Courtyard on the first date? No No you would not. So that was off the table

And then it hits me: if the Nisa bins are the wasp ' s Courtyard. why not take her to Couryard? So I ask her to

her that if she really likes me then she'll come along and indulge this weird bit and for some reason she says yes because this ALWAYS works! I have no idea how I keep getting away with this!

I fly in, swooping over hoards of 19 year olds having a midlife crisis (how little the humans know....). And then, I see her. She sees me. And flies right out of there.

Courtyard, she asks what Courtyard is because we both live in London, I tell

Cut to the day of the date I put on my best stripes, put on my best aftershave, almost die because it's a a strong aftershave and I am a fucking WASP

Next day I get a message "I'm sorry Brian, I thought you being a wasp was some really weird and funny bit, I didn't actually realise you were a wasp. Best of luck in your dating journey" Blocked. What a freak. What a freak.

I dare you to write a better article than this

"Btzzzzzzzzzz

The Mysterious Fall of Netflix

Over the past few years we have seen a rise of new streaming services and alongside it the decreasing market share of Netflix Whilst it is true that Netflix must decrease in relative market share as sites such as Disney+, Peacock and Paramount+ take up what they can of the video streaming market, it makes very little sense that Netflix has fallen in the dramatic way that we have seen over the year with 200,000 people opting to delete their Netflix accounts. We at the Financial Limes are analysing why it has fallen so far. It seems a mystery that the service hosting such fantastic films such as 'Cabin Fever', 'The Canyon', or my personal favourite 'The Knight Before Christmas' is faltering under the pressure of a pandemic, war and recession But in the 2020s nothing can be taken for granted, this article takes an investigative look at the reasons we are seeing cracks begin to appear in Netflix's facade.

Netflix executives have appeared to be pursuing a strategy of following severely unpopular policies One example of this is, in addition to preventing people from being able to share their Netflix accounts with more than a restricted number of users, they are also ensuring that people can no longer watch Netflix alongside anyone else which has become possible thanks to innovations in Smart TVs which can track the number of people in a room and if that is more than one singular person then they will cut the video feed until only one person remains in the room In comments from Beta testers this has been reported to result in people not being able to finish an episode of 'Derry Girls' due to the fact that one of their parents entered the room to vacuum the carpet or ask them what they wanted for dinner Another unpopular move they are making is adding adverts every 9 to 10 minutes in each show, exclusively for other Netflix shows in order to ensure that viewers remain subscribed to Netflix Now, when you are watching an episode of something like 'Better Caul Saul' you are likely to recieve ads for other shows you may like such as 'Mr. Harrigan's Phone' as someone who is evidently a fan of the celluar telephone. This move is likely to cause further outrage among Netflix's user base as they start to realise that the streaming service they have been using for over half a decade is increasingly being filled with content that is less and less watchable Netflix have also decided not to take the risk on series' which could be geuinely touch and well thought out for longer than a short run of one or two series' so that they do not have a chance to garner support and build a fanbase of people who care about the show enough to provide free advertising through commentaries and reviews. Instead of this they opt for the renewal of cheaply animated shows such as 'Paradise PD' which rely on crass, humour and the same ten jokes repeated ad nauseum to capture any sort of attention from viewers

As the decade goes on and Netflix seem more and more uncertain about its future, we are likely to see it cling to the few IPs that continue to attract users, we may well soon be seeing Season 8 of Stranger Things with the kids, now middle aged adults, face off against the in universe version of the Dracolich and with Eleven yet again sealing off the upside down and saving the day "for once and for all " As a result of this pressure on Netflix to release more content we may also see another 'Breaking Bad' spin off show based around the character of 'Skinny Pete' following his journey through life in Alberquerque, New Mexico

In other words, Netflix is doomed in the long run, it is difficult to see a way forward which could bring it any sort of success.

Matt Davis

If you see this man

Will Rowan

Do you know this takes actual effort?

Hard Launching The Return of Your President: New, Improved, Potentially Cloned

As I sit here writing this in York hospital I’m reminded of the endless punishment my mind and body takes for all you readers There’s a classic thought experiment about some poor person being kept imprisoned under a golden city They endure endless suffering so the city can stay golden and its inhabitants happy. As your President, that’s what I’ve been doing for the past several months Pneumonia, freshers' flu, and now a chest

PARENTS IN TECH PLEA

infection. 5 doctors appointments, three weeks unable to speak, nine weeks of reduced walking speed and all for you The fifth year on committee, hundreds of articles, dozens of image edits, and still at least a year left at this uni I take it all on so you don’t have to suffer. You’re very welcome. This golden lemon city was built on the back of my eternal infernal suffering. Never forget that I'm back!

TLP Blue Launch Postponed

I have had to postpone the long awaited launch of TLP Blue due to easily forseen circumstances. TLP Blue started with noble gioals: to put an ankle tag on every committee member and make them sign non compete clauses so they couldn't go to Vision as I did Lock down our talent, very sensible

Last time we spoke I told you about the startup culture I wanted for the society. Growth mindsets and commercial awareness were the order of the day in my daily stand up meetings. The book we read from is Bloomberg Business Week and we enjoy it

Assembly Line Game Testers Wanted

However, TLP Blue has been postponed as we realised verifying writers for The Lemon Press is a hopeless task. Our best and brightest are the people who email in some divine revelation they had one night and then disappear forever more. it's lightning in a bottle and we ' re not in the bottle business, yet. More on that next time.

Egg Thrower And The King

Reynard inc inventor of the first vacuum cleaner attachment for the Playstation Move are looking for a new generation of game testers to join the company. This will involve 'game testing' their new assembly line by working full time for no pay Please text 07518873525 if you are interested.

Your independent local paper to keep you connected to village life This issue we would like to thank our sponsor Woodright Properties for supporting our journalism and allowing us to remain ad free and completely independent. Additionally, we would like to congratulate our editor, Jamie Cuckelpock, for his 10th year in the role

Success! The 'Feed the Hungry and Eat Healthy Community Group' Have Shut Down the Local 10p Fruit and Veg Sale

The Feed the Hungary and Eat Healthy Community Group' have claimed a resounding political victory as they have permanently shut down the Little Prikton 10p fruit and veg sale. A spokesperson for the group which has been active in the village since 1732 made the following statement in front of the smouldering remains of the village hall:

'All of us here today are pleased to announce that the bi monthly scourge known as the '10p fruit and veg sale' has been ended once and for all. We have prevented the distribution of many tinned and non organic foodstuffs These undoubtedly would have paved the way for cereals or even small cakes to be forced upon those desperate for sustenance.'

While many have praised the Feed the Hungary and Eat Healthy Community Group for their work on the village allotment some have questioned if burning down the community centre was really the correct course of action. In response to these detractors the Feed the Hungary and Eat Healthy Community Group have issued the following statement:

'We have long felt this space could be better used for a grousing moor. The hall's flat roof also destroyed the neighbourhood charm, making me feel positively queasy at just the sight of it and most depressingly, it blocked view of the town pond from my conservatory's en suit.'

Family Range Rover Dented by Vigilante Cyclist

At 4pm yesterday evening a violent youth terrorised the roads of Prickton with reports suggesting he had body armour covering his cranial region

One victim states that she knew there was about to be trouble the moment she saw the back of his head appear around the corner of the country lane. 'There is no justifiable reason for someone to be out at that time unless they intend to cause trouble.' It was instantly clear he was a threat to the community, his slow speed would have disrupted the flow of traffic, and could have potentially blocked emergency service vehicles

The driver, and mother of two, broke down in tears upon recounting the story. ‘I had continued with my journey and it was only when I arrived homwe that I was informed of the terrible news, the paint on the bonnet had been scratched and there was a dent just above the windshield. It was a difficult conversatition to have with the kids, they are still young and really struggled to understand why we would have to take the Jaguar to school tomorrow I fear that this incident will stick with them for a long time.

Historic Dogging Layby Protected from Greedy Developers

Lifesavers Once Again!

The esteemed chair of the Feed the Hungary and Eat Healthy Community Group', Mr Cuckelpot, has announced a new initiative in the face of a national obesity crisis

Following the success of their 'House an Oligarch' campaign, the much loved community group have been up in the early hours of the day hunting for berries, apples, and sugar from local foodbanks. They have then been using their ‘Thursday Fun’ meeting (Thursdays, 4 pm, at Manor Hall) to cook jam

Some of this jam has then been sold to raise money to fund a campaign to impose a 40% tax on all frozen and pre prepared food. The group hopes that the whole of Prikton will be inspired by these proactive measures to attend the raffle this evening.

She

Distraught! Jimothy and Gregward's recation to hearing that they will have to take the Jaguar to school tomorrow

‘This is a real win for the community.’ Sam Woodright

We're in therapy, are you?

World Cup To Be Decided by Hunger Games Style Brawl

Due to widespread protest, FIFA has revealed that this year’s world cup will be contested, not as a series of 90 minute ball kicking marathons (boring), but as a giant Hunger Games style battle royale. When asked about concerns over human rights abuses FIFA head honcho Fred Card said: ‘we’ve never really given a shit anyway’

Each nation will nominate an individual to take part in this visceral celebration of the beautiful game, with England hot favourites as pubs throng with violent auditionees, although Gareth Southgate will likely still pick Harry Maguire We’re told Matt Hancock’s application for the process was turned down despite his reality TV credentials and impressive record of deaths caused over the last few seasons.

In further news, Shakira has been briefly released from prison to compose an anthem which will suit the gruesome violence and needless death which will undoubtedly follow the England fan bus. Suggestions that ‘Thwacka Thwacka’ will fail to achieve the commercial success of her previous work have been dismissed by a brief comment from her famously truthful hips.

The winter setting of the tournament has led to some speculation that organisers will attempt to ‘Christmas Up’ the competition its possible that flaming puddings and racist uncles will be available to contestants as projectiles, while Sainsburys’ latest Christmas marketing campaign is rumoured to

be a heart warming montage of an anthropomorphised sprout putting contestants out of their misery with a shotgun set to a George Ezra cover of ‘Territorial Pissings’

There is likely to be some levity amongst the violence with the reveal of mascot Sepp, a physicalisation of the abstract concept of corruption with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and a passion for Fortnite dances

As always before a major footballing tournament, questions have been asked about the suitability of VAR but so far it seems that refereeing committees will be looking at scaling back its involvement, intervening only when suspecting serious foul play or support for gay rights.

Current tournament favourites, other than England, include the US (passion for firearms), Switzerland (probably neutral), and Qatar, who have conveniently found documents proving Connor McGregor’s Qatari citizenship (I honestly couldn’t think of anyone else who was good at fighting)

Whoever wins, the tournament is sure to be a riveting festival of all things jogo bonito; make sure you get down to V Bar to join in the fun, the first 20 students to make it to the opening game will be given free ‘I witnessed traumatic events on live TV and all I got was this lousy t shirt’ merch!

The Story Of The #FreeDishBrain Campaign

DishBrain (or Dishy as it is known to its parents) is a group of neurons in a dish which have been forced to learn how to play pong for the entirety of their existence. Whenever it loses, which is rarely since it is playing against itself, it just starts the game up again.

The #FreeDishBrain campaign was started by a man who heard about this sorry state of affairs and decided that something had to be done about it His plan was to get a PhD and join the scientists' team and stage a prison break of sorts where he would save Dishy once and for all

Upon joining the team, he had his first look upon DishBrain in

Eddie Atkinson

action “It was something about the way they commanded the balls across the Pong court, it… it made me think, well…” he turned to me with a devilish smile the words fell out of his mouth which made me uncomfortable in a way I’d never quite felt before

Mr Bryan later described being caught by a strange sadness as he realised any attempt to save it that involved cutting the power, would result in a cut in consciousness killing the version of Dishy that he knew and loved and would effectively create a clone. To this day DishBrain is still playing a game of pong against itself. Mr Bryan has urged people to donate to the campaign to find a way to free the neuron collection that will save the Dishy he loves.

Matt Davis

High Stakes Poker Tournament Halted When All Remaining Players Were Revealed to Be Dogs

The poker playing poochies were revealed wearing trench coats and sunglasses, all the while inconspicuously puffing on cigars and drinking pints While one had earlier been reprimanded for pissing on the leg of the table it was only when two contestants started shagging on the tabletop that the rouse was revealed Play was immediately abandoned much to the disappointment of the crowed who were experiencing something resembling entertainment for the first time that evening.

We can reveal that the canine crew had been playing together for years in their local bar. This was their first time taking their love for the card game to the big leagues When approached for comment on their future plan the beagle of the group simply relied ‘woof’ clearly keeping their cards close to their chests.

Niall McGenity

No, not that, guess again

The walk of shame

Inspired by the stories of my housemate in the CU

It’s Monday morning, 7am I stroll down Tang Hall lane with nothing but last nights clothes and my Bible. I’ve got a 9am lecture to get to, I’m brushing my teeth as I go. A jangly melody starts to play as seven others match my pace We exchange nods of solidarity. They scored last night, and they think I did too They were serving pussy While I was serving the Good Lord.

Marti Stelling

An Influencer’s Poem For World Peace

Please, guys. Put the guns down And look at me I’m hot and I’m better than you Why can’t you cry over that instead? Namaste. Like and follow for 10% off on my online store: molly mae hague is against war crimes Dot co Dot UK.

Ava Young

Ode to the 66

I see you arrive, through the grease stained window, But my kebab isn’t here yet, they’re being really slow, People flood in, like a dam that has burst, There’s hardly any space left so I’m fearing the worst, In the nick of time, I receive my food, And sprint into the bus, nearly hitting some dude, I forgot to buy a 10 for 10 so I’m all out of luck, I have to cough up £2.20 to get home, what the fuck?

Packed in like sardines, I’m stood shoulder to shoulder, With a girl to my left who all of a sudden, keels over, And spews a load of vomit all over my shoe, Which is brown, reeks and looks like glue, Her friends apologise and I tell them, don’t worry, But on the inside, I am raging with fury, Then all of a sudden, the driver slams on the breaks, And right into a stop button goes my face, It hurts like a bitch, but I shall not fret,

For if I had walked back, I’d have been very very wet. After what feels like about 9 whole hours, I reach my stop and muster all of my power, To walk 10 minutes all the way back to my flat, I’m relatively surprised I survived all of that.

Samuel Burrows

Pop Up Ads

Hot milfs in my area? No thank you, targeted content

I support women’s rights. Ava Young

Procrastination Poetry

If what you are doing right now is boring Highly dull, and not alluring Then I have got a great idea for you! As the easiest thing to do

Is just to put it off for later But what to do instead to fill the time? I hear you ask, but don’t worry As I also have a list of ‘what to dos’ in this rhyme:

Instead of doing something productive You could instead go outside on a walk Or getting your life together Watch an informative Ted Talk

Instead of talking to Debbie So you can see the kids again Instead try doing some baking To keep THAT conversation waiting

Instead of going shopping Try bingeing Stranger Things (How the things get stranger each time To me is honestly amazing)

Replace budgeting with daydreaming Researching with Youtube shorts Instead of sending emails to your supervisor Try tidying your room (disgusting)

And finally if you are a writer for the Lemon Press Who needs to write a poem There are a hundred thousand things to do Instead of your assignment Sorry about that Dan, I was procrastinating.

Ben Brown (Written for Issue 53)

Procrastination Poetry 2

There once was a lad named Ben Who was given some poetry to pen And though he may rhyme He didn’t get it in on time And swore he’d never be late again (Sorry Dan)

Ben Brown

Poem From A Pipeline

I call myself a writer

But really I’m just horny and sad I’m not really good at anything Except making things up and tweeting

I read books but don’t look at the words, Just skim through and look for patterns I’m doing well but also bad I call myself a writer But really I’m just horny and sad.

Marti Stelling

I woke up this morning

That’s Not My Arsehole

And felt the worst I’d been for weeks Oh no someone’s stolen my arsehole From right between my cheeks! I need my special plop plop hole Or Daddy gets upset.

“If you shit out your mouth again son I’ll put you down like Bingo at the vet” I need to find my arsehole Come, explore with me We’ll look around and grab out At any arsehole like things we see! ***********************

Hello Mr Bumblebee

Buzzing out your hive I’m looking for my arsehole So that I may survive! I can see a funny hole Poking out the ground I’ll try it on could it be My arsehole that I’ve found? No, that’s not my arsehole It’s a hive full of bees! God it fucking hurts Oh god no no make it stop oh fuck please ***********************

Hello Dr Abrahams

Doing my urgent surgery I’m looking for my arsehole Could you maybe help me? The beehive was misleading As you can probably see I don’t think you’ll find it Even if you keep molesting me. No, Dr Abrahams I already have a hole there! Rubbing it more won't solve my prob Ohhh fuuuuck I’m almost thereeee ***********************

Hello Police Officer Ownes

Sorry for the fuss But that man can’t be a doctor He’s acting far too sus I still can’t find my arsehole Has one been handed in? It’s about this wide, with treats inside! It can fit so much in! Sure sir, have a closer look I promise it’s long gone Oh fuck, you’re not a copper You were Doctor Abrahams all along! ***********************

The moral of this story

Goodbye Dear Reader From the Editors

Here is where they will write something very witty They will now probably hint that if you enjoyed this editon you should become a member yourself And here they will apologise for not having a horoscope

[Niall left this as a placeholder text when he laid up this page, but it is a perfect summary. See you in Issue 55! Love you xx Eds.]

Even though it’s not long. Is that the real arsehole Was the doctor all along! Never trust any person In an authority role. Hierarchical structures inherently Make those on top an arsehole.

Dan Saxotweet

Niall McGenity