COMMENT | SATIRE
Sorry They Got Caught BY ANDY BOROWITZ
R
esponding to the firestorm of controversy over its spying on European allies, the head of the National Security Agency said this week that the agency would do everything in its power to avoid being caught doing it in the future. “There are two important jobs for every spy agency: spying on people and avoiding detection,” said NSA director General Keith Alexander. “Unfortunately, at the NSA we have only done the first job well.” “We have abused the trust of some of our closest allies,” he said. “And none of this would have happened if they hadn’t found out.” General Alexander said that the agency was instituting strict new practices that amounted to “a zerotolerance policy on getting caught.” “I had a meeting with my top people today and said, ‘I want you to put the same energy you put into
spying on Germany, France and Spain into keeping them from figuring out what we’re up to. Anything less than that will be unacceptable.’” General Alexander also offered a heartfelt apology to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, a prime target of the agency’s eavesdropping. “I know how upsetting it must be for you to know that your closest ally has been listening in on your phone conversations for the past 11 years,” he said. “I give you my solemn promise that in the future you won’t know.” n For more fake news from Andy Borowitz, visit borowitzreport.com.
COMMENT | CONGRESS
Look In The Mirror BY JIM HIGHTOWER
W
hat a show the goofily fanatical Tea Party Republicans are putting on in Washington! First, they threw a group hissy fit, forcing a costly, embarrassing and entirely unwarranted shutdown of the national government of our U. S. of A. That was strange enough, but then a gaggle of goofballs cranked their shtick all the way up to code-red bizarre, throwing a series of staged tantrums when they learned that the government they had shut down was, in fact, shut down. I know you don’t have to be smart or logical to be in Congress, but surely a lawmaker ought to be more tightly wrapped than this bunch. One thing that really worked them into a shrieking frenzy was that national parks and monuments were closed. This led to the spectacle of a House committee hauling in the director of national parks to berate him mercilessly for five hours, demanding to know why the parks were closed. He should’ve just held up a mirror, but — like the good career park ranger he is — Director Jon Jarvis patiently tried to explain
the obvious to the Congress critters in front of him: They had voted to shutter the federal government; national parks are a part of the government; Congress took away the money to staff the nation’s 401 parks and monuments; so they were closed. But the rabid representatives effectively shouted at him: “Stop making sense!” Washington’s own Doc Hastings even invented his own facts, blathering that in the government shutdown back in the mid-’90s, parks stayed open. Sorry, Doc, but no — the Lincoln Memorial, Statue of Liberty, Grand Canyon and others all across the country were closed then. By the way, guess who has been steadily whacking funding for park service staff and maintenance of those national treasures? Right — the same loony-tunes ideologues running this absurd circus. n For more from America’s populist, check out jimhightower.com.
OCTOBER 31, 2013 INLANDER 11