RELATIONSHIPS

Advice Goddess THE FEUD PYRAMID

Two weeks ago, I finally dumped my totally abusive jerk of a boyfriend. I do miss him, but I know I made the right decision. I came to see that he was cruel, manipulative, sociopathic, and toxic. However, I stupidly went on Facebook and saw that he already has a new girlfriend! I’m so pissed that I was replaced so quickly. I do not want him back, but I do want to make him suffer, basically to get revenge for all he put me through. My friend keeps telling me revenge is AMY ALKON unhealthy and toxic and forgiveness is good for you and I need to forgive him. Is she right? ­—Burned Revenge looks so Clint Eastwood-cool in the movies ­— less so when you get arrested for keying “micropenis!!!” into your ex’s car, right under a street cam. The desire for revenge is basically the urge to punish people who’ve harmed us or those close to us. It’s widely believed to be a poisonous and maladaptive feeling that leads to poisonous and maladaptive behavior — ­ like forays into the dark web to seek out a highly recommended but affordably priced assassin. In fact, evolutionary psychologist Michael McCullough explains in “Beyond Revenge” that the revenge motive seems to be “a built-in feature of human nature,” a sort of psychological police force guarding our interests. It was likely vital to the evolution of human cooperation, which in turn led to essential human innovations such as flush toilets, open-heart surgery, and the Dorito. Research that McCullough cites suggests the revenge motive has three functions: Deterring aspiring aggressors, deterring repeat aggressors, and punishing (and reforming) freeloading moochbags. The thing is, revenge has a companion motivation, forgiveness, which McCullough describes as “an internal process of getting over your ill will for an offender.” Interestingly, whether we forgive appears to be context-sensitive, meaning it usually isn’t the particular crime so much as the particular criminal that matters. McCullough notes that the forgiveness motivation seems to switch on when there’s a valuable relationship at stake ­— a continuing relationship between the harmer and harm-ee. In your situation, however, there’s no ongoing relationship to motivate you to forgive the guy. And though forgiveness is correlated with mental health and even physical well-being, the assumption that forgiveness is always the best course of action is a little under-nuanced. For example, McCullough writes that people with strong social support networks that encourage hostile responses to offenders can end up feeling “justified, comforted, and satisfied (by) their unforgiving stance” and “may not experience any negative emotional or physical consequences.” On the other hand, he notes that “people who feel coerced to ‘forgive and forget’ may find their post-offense distress exacerbated.” To decide what’s best for you, consider the reason you give for wanting revenge: because your ex was on to the next woman pronto after you dumped him. Also consider that you now identify him as a pretty terrible person and partner. Of course, the reality is, we all want to be wanted, sometimes even by people we really don’t have any business wanting. But ask yourself something: In light of the sort of person you now see him to be, is it surprising in the least that he immediately latched onto his next victim? Next, look at your life and calculate how much time and energy you’re investing in thinking dark and nasty thoughts about him. Is keeping the hate fires burning for him benefiting you? Does it feel energizing (that is, rewarding), or does it feel a bit poisonous, psychologically and maybe even physically? Sure, it’s understandable that you’d long to do something ­— take some action, even the score — ­ in response to feeling angry. However, if the reason for your anger is ultimately that you didn’t look too closely at whom you were getting together with, maybe what’s most productive for you now is deciding to let go of the past and working on being better at boyfriend vetting in the future. This starts with reviewing your last relationship from start to finish. Be intensely honest with yourself about all you overlooked about the guy and how you got used to his escalating levels of abuse as your continual “new normal.” By focusing on your part in this and how selective you need to be, you can shift into a sense of satisfaction that things will be different for you in the future. You should find this a welcome replacement for the head versus heart loop you’ve probably been stuck in: Your head says, “Move on.” Your heart says, “Sure thing ­— behind the wheel of heavy machinery when he has nowhere to go but el squasho!” n ©2018, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. • Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405 or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)

56 INLANDER AUGUST 8, 2019

EVENTS | CALENDAR NIGHT OUT AGAINST CRIME Activities include chemistry magic with Tom Flanagan, music by Musha Marimba, a raffle and opportunity to meet Safety Day representatives from the community. Aug. 9, 5:30-8:30 pm. Free. Hays Park, Crestline and Providence. facebook.com/bemissnc FRIENDS OF THE NORTH SPOKANE LIBRARY SIDEWALK BOOK SALE Proceeds from book sales support library programs, activities, and services. Aug. 10, 10 am-noon. Free. North Spokane Library, 44 E. Hawthorne. scldfriends.org HISTORIC WALKING TOURS Walk through the park and learn the history of the Spokane Falls, Expo ’74 Pavilion, Clocktower, Looff Carrousel, Centennial Trail and more. Saturday at 10 am and noon, through August 31. Free. Riverfront Park, 507 N. Howard. (625-6600) HOMEBUYER EDUCATION SEMINAR: Explore the major aspects of the homebuying process in an unbiased format with SNAP Spokane instructors certified by the Washington State Housing Finance Commission. Registration required. Aug. 10, 9 am-2 pm. Free. Moran Prairie Library, 6004 S. Regal St. snapwa.org/education-calendar (319-3040) INTRO TO LETTERPRESS Learn to letterpress print a broadside using the pressure printing technique, a userfriendly version of relief printing that doesn’t require a linoleum or wood block. Aug. 10, noon. $25-$35. Spokane Print & Publishing Center, 1925 N. Ash. facebook.com/spokaneprint/ NATIONAL NIGHT OUT AGAINST CRIME Activities include a free barbecue, concert by the Ken Davis trio (4-6 pm), demos from the Spokane Police, Spokane County Sheriffs Dept. K-9s, Spokane COPS and a free movie, Marley and Me. Aug. 10, 4-11 pm. Free. Shadle Park, 2005 W. Wellesley. (625-3300) SERA & ECNC COMMUNITY CELEBRATION This annual celebration marks the end of Spokane Eastside Reunion Association’s (SERA) basketball camp and celebrates the wonderful East Central Neighborhood. This year’s event offers free hot dogs and drinks, a raffle, games, and kids activities. Aug. 10, 12-4 pm. Free. Underhill Park, 2900 E. Hartson Ave. bit.ly/2M5mXCA UFO JOINT MEETING The Washington MUFON and NUFORC host a public meeting featuring representatives from the top UFO organizations in Washington presenting the latest news, sighting reports, pictures, and videos. Speakers include Maurene Morgan, Washington MUFON State Director, Daniel Nims, MUFON Chief Investigator, and Peter Davenport, Director of NUFORC. Light refreshments provided. Aug. 10, 1-3 pm. Free. Spokane Valley Library, 12004 E. Main. (360-344-2991) QUEST SUNDAY FEST A new outdoor street festival offering a weekly lineup of local and regional arts and crafts, gourmet food, free kids activities, performance art, music and more. Sundays from 11 am-5 pm through Aug. 11. Free. Northern Quest Resort & Casino, 100 N. Hayford Rd. northernquest.com NERD CRAFT NIGHT SCHOOL: RPG WORLD BUILDING This 3-week journey explores the many ways to bring your tabletop role playing world to life, including character creation, world building, improvisational narratives, map and monster creation and much more. Meets Tue/Thu 6:30-9:30 pm from Aug. 13-29. $80. Spark Central,

1214 W. Summit Pkwy. spark-central.org SPACE SCIENCE WITH MOBIUS Educators present hands-on space-themed activities for two hours; drop in any time. Young children should be accompanied by a caregiver. Aug. 13, 2-4 pm. Free. Shadle Library, 2111 W. Wellesley Ave. spokanelibrary.org (444-5300)

FESTIVAL

GOODGUYS 18TH GREAT NORTHWEST NATIONALS The annual threeday event features more than 1,500 rods, customs, classics, muscle cars and trucks through 1987, along with vendor and manufacturer exhibits, a dragster exhibition, model and pedal car show, swap meet, kids events, live entertainment and more. Aug. 9-11. $10-$22. Spokane County Fair & Expo Center, 404 N. Havana. good-guys.com KURONEKOCON A three-day anime convention celebrating Japanese culture and pop culture, including panels, cosplay, gaming, dances, artists, a vendor fair and more. Aug. 9-11. $30-$45. Spokane Convention Center, 334 W. Spokane Falls Blvd. kuronekocon.com SPOCON A science-fiction and fantasy convention. This year’s theme is “All Hail the Goblin King,” a tribute to Labyrinth. SpoCon is a nonprofit, and proceeds from this event go to Freeman CVA School. Aug. 9-11; Fri noon-11 pm, Sat 10 am-11 pm, Sun 10 am-4 pm. $45. Historic Davenport Hotel, 10 S. Post St. spocon.org (800-899-1482)

FILM

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 3 Screening as part of the Garland’s annual Free Summer Movies series. Doors open at 9 am; movies at 9:30 am. Through Aug. 9. Free. Garland Theater, 924 W. Garland. garlandtheater.com SCREEN ON THE GREEN: ALADDIN (2019) U of I’s Dept. of Student Involvement hosts free outdoor movies, starting at approx. 8:45 pm, on the Theophilus Tower Lawn. Aug. 8. Free. University of Idaho, 709 S Deakin St. uidaho.edu (208-885-6111) SUMMER MATINEE MOVIE SERIES The Kenworthy’s 18th annual series offers young fans and their families a summer filled with 10 of their favorite films (Rated G or PG). Wednesdays and Thursdays at 1 pm through Aug. 15. See schedule online. $3. The Kenworthy, 508 S. Main St. kenworthy.org/calendar MOVIES IN THE PARK: MARY POPPINS RETURNS A free outdoor screening with pre-movie kids activities an hour before showtime at dusk. Aug. 9. Free. Mirabeau Park Meadows, 13500 Mirabeau Parkway. spokanevalley.org SUMMER MOONLIGHT MOVIES: KUBO & THE TWO STRINGS Outdoor movies start at dusk. Aug. 9. Free. Sunset Park, 924 S. Lawson St. cahw.org (244-4845) CLASSIC CARTOONS Free classic cartoons return to the Kenworthy from June to September, every Saturday from 9 am-noon. The Kenworthy, 508 S. Main St. kenworthy.org (208-882-4127) THE INCREDIBLES 2 All movies start at dusk. Outside food and drink (no alcohol), blankets and low-backed chairs welcome. Snacks for sale from the Liberty Lake Kiwanis Snack Wagon. Aug. 10, 8:30 pm. Free. Pavillion Park, 727 N. Molter Rd. pavillionpark.org (755-6726) MEGAMIND Screening as part of the

Garland’s annual Free Summer Movies series. Doors at 9 am; movie at 9:30 am. Aug. 12-16. Free. Garland Theater, 924 W. Garland. garlandtheater.com FRIDAY THE 13TH Screening as part of the Garland’s annual Summer Camp summer movie series. Aug. 13, 7:15 pm. $2.50. Garland Theater, 924 W. Garland Ave. garlandtheater.com (327-1050) CHINESE MOVIE NIGHT The University of Idaho’s Confucius Institute’s monthly event, with a brief intro. Aug. 14, 7-10 pm. Free. The Kenworthy, 508 S. Main St. kenworthy.org WSECU OUTDOOR MOVIES: SPACE BALLS Moviegoers are invited to pack in their own snack/dinner or purchase from food vendors on site (no alcohol). Aug. 14, 8:30 pm. Free. Riverfront Park, 507 N. Howard. (625-6600) RIFFTRAX LIVE: GIANT SPIDER INVASION One of the most popular MST3K movies ever is coming back for a livestreamed event. Aug. 15 at 8 pm; Aug 20 at 7:30 pm. Regal Northtown and Riverstone. fathomevents.com TURNING POINT SCREENING & PANEL DISCUSSION Acclaimed filmmaker and director James Keach follows a team of researchers on the front lines of Alzheimer’s research and captures the raw disappointment and renewed hope of those working to find a cure for this fatal, incurable disease affecting nearly 5.7 million Americans. Aug. 15, 6:30 pm. Free. The MAC, 2316 W. First Ave. northwestmuseum.org

FOOD

BIRDS & BUBBLES DINNER A full fried chicken meal with all the fixings, plus bubbly. Aug. 8, 6 pm. $35; reservations required. The Yards Bruncheon, 1248 W. Summit Pkwy. theyardsbruncheon.com COEUR D’ALENE SUNSET DINNER CRUISE Dine at sunset on this 2-hour cruise featuring a full dinner buffet. Daily at 7:30 pm through Aug. 31; Sept. 1-9 at 6:30 pm. $33.25-$57. The Coeur d’Alene Resort, 115 S. Second. tickets. cdacruises.com (208-765-4000) PARTY ON THE PATIO A summer event series at the new Spokane Tribe Casino, with local beer, wine and spirits, food specials, live music, giveaways and more. Aug. 8 and Sept. 12 from 4-7 pm. Shuttles from area hotels available. Free. Three Peaks Kitchen + Bar, 14300 W. SR Highway 2. inlander.com/spokane/PartyonthePatio/Page PICKLING 101: MAKING YOUR OWN STAPLES Learn how to pickle and ferment fresh local produce in a hands-on session that also covers the probiotic and health benefits of pickled foods and more. Aug. 8, 5:30 pm. $40. Glorious Artisan Bakery, 1516 W. Riverside Ave. howglorious.com (720-7546) SCOTCH & CIGARS Select a flight of whiskey, scotch or bourbon paired with a recommended cigar during an event on the outdoor patio. Thursdays, from 6-10 pm. $15-$25. Prohibition Gastropub, 1914 N. Monroe. facebook.com/ Prohibition.Gastropub.Spokane1 TASTINGS ON THE TERRACE Enjoy an evening overlooking the Spokane River and Riverfront Park and meet GSI members while enjoying hors d’oeuvres and drinks from local breweries and wineries. Aug. 8, 5-7 pm. $30-$40. Spokane Convention Center, 334 W. Spokane Falls Blvd. greaterspokane.org ALES FOR THE TRAIL The annual craft