REVIEW
BRAD PITT GOES off the RAILS
You’ll wish you could get off Bullet Train at the first stop BY CHASE HUTCHINSON
A
n ostensible action film that is so light on wellof their time bickering about how to handle their own crafted fights one hesitates to even classify it mission. Then there is Joey King as Prince, a manipulaas such, Bullet Train can best be described as a tive young girl with her own mysterious agenda, and Bad low-rent Quentin Tarantino imitation though without Bunny as Wolf, a heartbroken hitman out for revenge. anything of its own to stand on. The film is oddly grating They aren’t the only ones as there are plenty of unexand increasingly one note to the point of being obnoxpected appearances from familiar faces who leap into ious. Most egregiously, it just isn’t all that fun. What little the fray. Some are mere cameos, inserted for lackluster joy there is to be had with some of the committed cast throwaway jokes, while others become more central to soon fades into the background when buried under a the experience. mountain of superficial schtick. It succeeds only at being Directed by David Leitch, a veteran stunt coordinator the summer’s biggest missed opportunity. whose work on the original John Wick and 2017’s Atomic Based on the 2010 novel Maria Beetle by mystery Blonde would lead one to believe this new film could pack writer Kōtarō Isaka with a screenplay by Fear Street 1978 similarly kinetic action. Not only does it not rise to that co-writer Zak Olkewicz, the story centers on a former level, it seems to actively undercut and even downplay assassin named Ladybug who is trying to reform himself. the action elements. Whenever a fight sequence will get He is buffoonish man with a bucket going, the film will either dilute it with hat besought by either good or bad another so-so joke or sometimes just BULLET TRAIN luck, depending on how you look at it. cut away entirely. Each battle becomes Rated R Played by Brad Pitt in rare, though not more about hollow slapstick than Directed by David Leitch necessarily good, form as he coasts on Starring Brad Pitt, Sandra Bullock, Joey King well-crafted stunts, failing to craft any making the same version of a joke about memorable moments. If you were self-help ad nauseum. When Ladybug gets drawn in for looking for the ballet of brutality of John Wick or anything what may be one last job that requires him to steal a resembling the stunning one-take stairway fight of Atomic briefcase from a high-speed train, he’ll soon discover that Blonde, you best look elsewhere. he is essentially trapped in the confines of the cars with a The actors are the only saving graces, some of whom quirky cast of killers. manage to keep things moving despite the shoddy story There is the duo of Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s Tangerthey’ve been saddled with. Henry in particular could ine and Brian Tyree Henry’s Lemon who spend most read a phonebook and still be a magnetic screen pres-
32 INLANDER AUGUST 4, 2022
ence. Most known for his role in the hit show Atlanta, he is both comedic and heartfelt even when the rest of the film is not. Unfortunately, the cast’s talents are often left underutilized. Most bafflingly, there is the blink-and-youmiss-it presence of Karen Fukuhara (The Boys), who never gets anything to do despite her dynamic screen presence in past projects. By the time the story coalesces and we learn that this ensemble cast of characters have more in EASTER SUNDAY common than they realBased loosely on star Jo Koy’s ize, the revelation lands own experiences, this family comwith a thud. Even with edy finds the stand-up comedian some flashes of flair, the sussing humor out of the quirks Bullet Train experience is and tensions that exist in FilipinoAmerican families in order to gensurprisingly tame, never erate laughs and heartwarming embracing the possibility connections. Rated PG-13 of its premise or setting. There are good films that show how to make use of the confined space of a train to their advantage like Train to Busan or Snowpiercer. Those films felt bold whereas this just goes through the motions on its belabored and far too long journey to nowhere. Even with all the potential to really go wild, Bullet Train ends up being a mishmash of superior movies that never offers anything remotely exciting of its own. n
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