THE
BUZZ KILL
The Satirical Kalamazoo College Newspaper
Established in 2010
www.latfh.com
Satirical news that’s Buzzworthy!
Two-and-a-half Days Until We Can Get Out of Here, 2011
Assassins suspected to be sponsored by the administration
A
tense calm has descended on the Kalamazoo College campus since May 20 as a threatening operation known only as “assassins” began in the wee hours of the morning. In what some suspect as a ploy by the administration to decrease socialization as the quarter winds down, students have been pitted against their peers in a game of pursuit. Although registration for the event was voluntary, students have grown apprehensive
as paranoia skyrocketed the past weeks. “Obviously we signed up under the supervision of fellow students,” sophomore Clare Eisenberg said. “That doesn’t calm my nerves. Who were these people working for? What were their alliances? I just don’t know.” “I haven’t left my room in days,” first year Nora Conway said. “I don’t care who planned this game. My life is in danger regardless of who’s running this project.” Those who are registered for the game have been equipped with the finest in
sticker technology and released on campus, directed to kill specific targets. “What better way to keep us indoors with our books and papers? What better way, I ask?!” said a frazzled senior, Julia Bither, before darting behind a nearby corner. “This has got administration funding written all over it.” One student, Jasper Wood, said, “I haven’ t been to a 30/30 party in months.” The stress of finals, combined with the intensity of both, assassins and its related conspiracy suspicions,
Jen Wendel spies on assassins targets, despite conspiracy theories about the campus craze.
has pushed some students to their breaking points. “I’d kill for summer. I’d kill for it. No, literally. I’d kill a very specific person, but I can’t say who,” said Eisenberg, while peeking
out her dorm window. The administration declined to comment, stating that they were in the midst of a major strategic project and had no time to discuss such matters.
Photos by Maggie Kane
Maggie Kane Copy Editor
By Fiona Carey Staff Writer Starting next fall, students will see a new addition to Sodexo’s weekly menu initiatives in the cafeteria: Foodless Fridays. The change follows Meatless Mondays and Local Line Tuesdays in concept, as an effort to make the cafeteria more cost-effective and environmentally friendly. “The choice not to serve food one day out of the week will be a real plus on
the budget side of things,“ said Joan Anderson, a Sodexo official. According to Anderson, Foodless Fridays will also dramatically reduce the cafeteria’s carbon footprint and help bring attention to K’s food consumption more broadly. “It’s really important to be thinking about where our food comes from, and sometimes it’s not from the greenest places. We’ve done a lot of thinking about this, and we think this could potentially be a
really great solution,” she said. First year Shelly Snipes was skeptical at first, but believes the plan will solve at least one problem. “Some nights there’s nothing good at dinner,” she said. “Now there will just be nothing at dinner. I won’t have to choose.” Anderson says students worried about what they will eat on Fridays will be able to choose from a variety of foodless menu choices, from empty plates to “beverage-only options.”
Photo by Kelsey Nuttall
Sodexo implements new weekly menu: Foodless Fridays
Junior Collen Connor-Barrie finished a seductive spoonful of nothing. Don’t her eyes scream delicious?
Hungover
Rapture
LandSea Tension
Corduroy
Ever since Crystal Ball something’s been hanging over campus: widespread hangover.
I would have turned in my research paper, but the rapture ate my homework.
The search for lost LandSea first year ends: the in-tents conclusion.
The hipster-friendly fabric hits Kzoo hard, makes headlines.
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2 | The Buzz Kill
ON THE QUAD
a Letter 2 the Editore By Brittany Worthington Staff Writer
I am highly dissatisfied wit the quality of the IndeX. Each weak, I find sooooo many speling errers that it reelly distracts from my reading. ThE worst is when you spell somebodys name wrong. Like Prez Wilson-Oyelagagagrn, is that really so hard too get rite? I thunk that u guys need to work a lot harder cuz the pAper is a reflecshun of the student body hear at Kalmazoo. I wish that I could come by your office and show the stafff how too run a reel newspaper. U could prolly really benfit from all my Experience since I took a FULL trymester of journalism class in middle school. Unfortunately, I’m is way too busy b/c I spend all my tyme reading & scrutinizing the iNDEX lookin for mistake. Maybee I should be doing my homework butt those 8ish hours I spend as a hUman spell
chek ar suuper important to myself. Also, could you try to put sum more relevant storys in the paper?? I meen there wa s that one event, in that 1 place with that one speaker guy who was reall good and stuff and that could’v bveen a cool story if you guys has known about it but for some reason all you reporters right about things like, you know, the thangs yu write about. So get on that. (hahahah, that’s what she said). One more thin. Get yor facts straight. Last WEEK you sad their we’re 247 peeps at the poetry slam butt there was defs 248. I know. I counted. Kay. I’m outz. I have a 30 in thirty parTAY to get too. you know how it is. Why do I never see y’all there? Its like yu stay @ the office till 3Am workin on the IndeCKS or something. HahLOL, that wuld realy suck. Luv ya Paper people bitcheZZZ, niT PIckeR
Most Hipster, Generic, Semi-Pretentious
Photo of the Week
Come on, Lesley. We know you copied this from that Tumblr post you reblogged last night.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
A Letter to the Editor:
Ding-Dong...what exactly is a hymen?
By Dana Robinson Staff Writer
Dear Editors of the Index, I have to say I was disappointed by the play, “Ding Dong My Hymen’s Gone.” I came to this college expecting a clear education about life, and this presentation did not answer any of my questions. I entered the theater hoping to understand the human body better, but the monologues — filled with harsh words, the Lord’s name in vain and shocking pop culture references — were entirely too scandalous. The play also men-
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Where is the clitoris? What is the hymen? I am a typical Midwestern man and I have been rounding home with my girlfriend of 3 years, if you know what I mean. I want to make her happy and I was hoping that this play would help me. I’m still not sure how the human body works! It’s so confusing in this modern world. I keep going to concerts and cultural events expecting to learn about society, only to leave disappointed and angry. “Ding Dong My Hymen’s Gone” was my fourth attempt to learn about the female body through art. The first was a Georgia O’Keefe poster my aunt
I like plays to be uncontroversial, educational and filled with naked women. It’s not a lot to ask. —A dissatisfied customer
tioned people who are overweight, drink alcohol and drive cars quickly, which we all know are health hazards. I like plays to be uncontroversial, educational and filled with naked women. Its not a lot to ask, and I was certainly disappointed by Tommy, but I was hoping as the trees burst into bloom and the girls put on their bikinis to lie by the volleyball court that I would finally get what I need. I have several problems with the play. First, there were no naked women. As a straight man, I love the way naked women look: their curves, their badonka donks, etc. The women in this play reported to have sex, but I didn’t get to see any proof of that stuff. Does any one know where I can find some pictures of naked women? Also, the play was not very informative. I was hoping for LAC credit and a First Year Forum. I laughed, sure, but I also left with some questions. How do women find mates?
had. She paints some pretty flowers, but where is the hymen? The Violent Femmes? Men!!!! The Barenaked Ladies were equally dissatisfying. I’m tired of false advertising! I wondered if there was life after death. Ghostface Killa was still alive and offered no answers. The Green Day concert was at night and everyone was wearing black T Shirts. I did not need my inhaler at the Weezer concert! I am still a virgin after attending “Deflowered Memoirs: Ding Dong My Hymen’s Gone.” I wish the theatre department had chosen a play I could relate to more, like “Twelve Angry Men.” -Lonely and dissatisfied. Additional Title Ideas: Corduroy Pillows Make Head Lines Club Grub Spreads their Wild Oats Changes to Cirque de K are InTense The Spanish Verb Workshop Commanding Genetics Classes Spliced Together.
The Buzz Kill | 3
NEWS
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
A reach for Republicans Don’t cringe, crack a smile: ‘Calamazoo’ By Jordan Rickard Contributor
K
alamazoo College has a long tradition of striving for ethnic and cultural diversity. This has been reflected in the school’s investment in time recruiting and whom we encourage to enroll. However, the administration is finally turning its eye to a long neglected area: political diversity. “Yeah, you really don’t see too many Republicans around here. I think there’s a couple of them who live in the same suite in Severn,” said Kent Brussels K’13. Many believe this lack of diversity has reached beyond the classroom and is affecting groups such as clubs and even the student newspaper. The school plans to send teams of recruiters to more conservative areas. The author of this article was accidentally picked up when one of these recruitment teams stopped in Kansas. There are future plans to
stop at RNC conventions, Tea Party gatherings, and, if any of the recruiters are willing, to a Donald Trump support rally. Local Republican Susan Lizzleby K’12 was found and questioned in her dorm, “Is this it? Are they coming to eliminate us for good?” She was assured that no elimination was forthcoming (that we’d heard of ). “Oh, well that’s good. Recruitment? Yes, I’d love to see some more conservatives around campus just to keep things a little more fair and balanced at K,” said Lizzleby. Groups being targeted for recruitment include Evangelicals, Libertarians, Tea Party members, and the people who haven’t heard that Obama did reveal his birth certificate. This may lead to less fervent agreement in classes, but it could also bring more diverse speakers like Ron Kessler or Dick Morris. “Who is Dick Morris?” said Brussels.
creates new alliteration possibilities By Kelsey Nuttall Executive Editor Beginning fall quarter of the 2011-2012 academic year, Kalamazoo College will change the spelling of the first half of its name to ‘Calamazoo.’ “We should have done this ages ago,” said one administrator. The change was approved when the Wind Down Wednesday started
K
c?
catching huge, publicized flack for its programming. “We thought the problem was that students were upset with the Activities Fee, but as it turns out they really just didn’t like our tendency to change the letter ‘C’ to ‘K’ on most of our table tents,” said the administrator. “Titles like ‘Kreative Korner’ just weren’t generating the expected amount of popularity.” This delicate issue was brought to the College’s attention when one group of students came to the Office of Student Involvement, aiming to start a Conspiracy Theory StuOrg. What inspired this Klub? First-year student Carl Canterbury explained. First, according to Canterbury, the administration is suspected to be behind the campus game of assassins. Second,
“We think they’re hiding something else…” he said. “They can’t spell.” Faculty have dismissed these childish notions, but expressed their own positive viewpoints on this critical change. “Honestly, I’m relieved for so many reasons,” said one professor of English. “In light of these badly spelled event titles, students’ papers have seen the biggest increase in spelling errors since the
advent of text messaging.” Another professor agreed. “If I see one more ‘Kraft,’ ‘Kozy,’ ‘Kreative,’ ‘Korner,’ ‘Kollege,’ I am going to be forced to give them all K-minuses,” she said. A K minus has infiltrated the grading scale— and it’s way worse than a C. “I’m going to start telling them that their work is Krap.” Long live Calamazoo College.
Pig Roast ends sadly for senior students who wanted to see skewers By Jordan Rickard Contributor
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enior Pig Roast Finally Stops Roasting a Pig by Jordan Rickard This year’s Senior pig roast left many seniors shocked. “There were taquitos, crab rangoons, and pulled pork,” said Johnny Babbert K’11. “I just can’t believe that we’re still serving any kind of pig at this event.” Babbert’s feelings were echoed by many of the
Seniors who attended the event. “Yeah, I know it’s called the senior pig roast, but the idea of roasting a delicious pig as a community is a little archaic, isn’t it?” asked Kelley Offerson K’11. In years past Seniors would roast an actual whole pig, but for the last 2 years the vent has been hosted at the Roadhouse. The Roadhouse cannot accommodate roasting an entire pig at their establishment. “Of course you can’t roast a pig at a classy joint like the Roadhouse,” said Bab-
bert. “They don’t put snake oil in the food or allow blood sacrifices to Baal either.” Some fringe groups has decided that they liked the Kalamazoo College tradition from ye olden time of skewering and roasting a slaughtered boar. Last year a group tried organizing an off-campus pig roast, but this year these radicals luckily seemed to have left town or moved back to the most rural areas of the deep, deep south. Other students’ concerns were centered around issues
of sustainability. “I only want to burn pigs born and raised in the grove,” said one senior. “If we haven’t done that, we don’t deserve to graduate from Kalamazoo College... and that’s that.” Some have considered changing the name of the event, but that has met massive resistance as well. “I mean I’m all in favor of switching out pig for something more suitable like pickled herring, but I just can’t imagine not calling it the pig roast,” said Teddy Dowell K’11.
They didn’t actually roast a pig, and if they had it would probably be too gruesome for us to print a picture of anyway... so here’s this construction paper craft by Emily Katz.
4 | The Buzz Kill
FEATURES
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
By Elaine Ezekiel News Editor
C
ampus is abuzz with springtime romance! Last week the Sexual Health Awareness Group, in partnership with the Student Activities Committee, unveiled Kalamazoo College’s dating website. The site, called The Datin’ ‘Zoo, can be accessed through the portal. The site is a response to a recent survey in which several Hornets cited disappointment in K’s dating scene. So far a total of eight bachelors and bachelorettes, half of the campus’ eligible singles, have logged onto the site and filled out
the interest survey. Of those who logged on, three have dated at least two other users and one was conducting research for her Anthropology/Sociology paper. The two remaining users, Clarissa Dean and Derrick Lee, were paired together as “matches,” and arranged to meet for a blind date at The Strutt. “I was so nervous,” said Dean, a first year. “I looked him up on Facebook, and we only had six friends in common; we are basically total strangers!” When the two met on Sunday afternoon, they seemed to hit it off right away. “I couldn’t believe she
liked listening to Bon Iver and doing homework alone in her room too,” said sophomore Lee. “Plus, she was wearing these adorably ironic glasses in her profile picture.” The date turned sour, however, when conversation moved to academics. “As soon as Clarissa said she thought Kant was a scientific essentialist, I knew things wouldn’t work out,” said Lee. “I mean, I just can’t see myself spending time with someone who rejects the Prolegomena.” In hopes of improving the site’s reputation, more Student Activities Fee dollars will be allocated to improving The Datin’ ‘Zoo’s interface.
Photo by Hannah Daly
The Datin’ Zoo pairs up sole possible couples, fails to take off
J-Daddy and Mabel exchange awkward giggles on their Datin’ Zoo blind date in Jazzman’s.
Instrumental Methods class One student’s take on Squirrels: Mourning concert astounds the world By Emily Katz All bad blood aside, I think it’s time that they deserve.
By Kelsey Nuttall Executive Editor
The Instrumental Methods class brags that it can teach students, in ten weeks, to play an instrument at a level of middle-school proficiency. The unveiling of their quarter-long progress in the concert last week vastly exceeded that expectation. “An agent from the esteemed Chicago Symphony Orchestra discovered our natural, undeniable talents,” said one proud student. “They want us. They want us bad.” Standing ovations and exuberant yells followed each piece in the concert. “Their rendition of Mary Had a Little Lamb brought me to tears,” said flautist mother, Melody Smith. The home-recording version of the performance has been rising in popularity. As of ninth week, it had risen
above both Ke$ha and Justin Bieber’s singles in the local ratings. “If it’s better than Ke$ha, there’s no argument,” said one oboe player. “We’re in high demand.” So far, this popularity has been tangible. The band’s demand was proven when they rose to the top-selling track on iTunes Monday. The class plans to produce an album for their final project. The initiative will be funded by the Student Activity Fee. It will include two original songs. Further, the class’ seniors will be dropping all graduation plans to go on tour this summer. Tickets will start at $120 for balcony seating. “If we have to give up highpaying Teach for America gigs and going back home to live with our parents, we may as well be compensated for it,” said one anonymous senior.
Contributor
S
quirrels are people too. Yes, I said it. They are people, just like us. I was reminded of this common human-squirrel bond today on the walk to my 8:30 a.m. class. Maybe you noticed, maybe not, but either way I will venture to say that the loss felt on campus today transcends all emotion, as well as all prior conceptions of our nutty friends. The time: 8:27 a.m. As I rushed to class with few moments to spare, I noticed a tragic display. Walking along Academy on the way to the FAB, I was assaulted, out of nowhere, by a swarm of pesky scavengers feasting on the pancaked body of one of our very own. Yes, K College, that is correct. I am referring to one of our very own quad squirrels. You’ve probably seen them scurrying about our luscious greens, or maybe you’ve had nuts and other small objects dropped on your head from their high up tree top perches.
for some well deserved reflection regarding our fury critter friends, lovers, or however else you prefer to define your relationship. How much do we really know about our quads reigning mammals? I enjoy the occasional staring contest or game of tag with these beastly creatures, but I’ll admit I’ve never actually given them the respect and attention
The death of this treasured mammal should prompt reflection and sorrow on the part of K College students.
This article has been censored because of the extremem emotional state of the author after seeing the demise of such a loved, cherished, majestic campus creatures.