Humor Issue 2

Volume 119 We don’t want any issues

Off The Record The result of censorship!

BREAKING SNOOZE:

Teachers caught sleeping on the job!

Lynn Egan/Staff Photographer

Jorge Orvañanos/Staff Photographer

record.horacemann.org Fooled ya

The Record’s affirmations I can meet with a teacher without sweating through my deodorant.

Being waitlisted is the same thing as getting accepted.

Lynn Egan/Staff Photographer

Sam Siegel/Photo Director

Jorge Orvañanos/Staff Photographer

My boyfriend was written by a woman.

My history yearlong paper will write itself.

David Aaron/Staff Photographer

News in Brief (aka article ideas that, like your original college list, didn’t have enough potential)

I did not use my phone to avoid eye contact with my crush.

This slaps! 100 percent of polled students support replacing 60 seconds of peace with Oscar-esque punch

I will start my homework after this brief Buzzfeed Unsolved video.

Sexy! Boys swap their winter shorts out for spring ones.

Power to the youth: Eighth graders riot against lack of decorations in senior MD tent Feminist king! Boy does not complain after 10 girls in

I enjoy the vegetarian option in the cafeteria.

history class shut him down My math teacher believes in my potential.

Regime change? Senior class abandons valedictorian picks in favor of socialist utopia Following latest CDC recommendation, Tee Kay opts to make school Clothing Optional Why? Are we on indesign at this hour on a thursday?

Nobody will be mad at anything we say in this issue.

2

THE RECORD UM APRIL 1ST, 2022

seniors ? we haven’t seen yer motivation in a hot sec.

Hanna Hornfeld and Purvi Jonnalagadda Wrote this article at the last minute “A movie was playing and a single student was sleeping in the back. I have no idea where my teacher was” Attên Dunce (12) said. No more than three students have shown up to Dunce’s English elective in the past two weeks — the rest of the class has fallen victim to the school’s most recent viral outbreak: senioritis.

“The mask mandate is over and COVID therefore no longer exists, so we needed a new pandemic,” Eyema Nerd (12) said. Now, instead of giving lessons, Dunce’s teacher Dr. Givhen Op sits in their office alone watching Instagram Reels and questioning their life decisions, Op said.

Common signs of senioritis include spontaneously passing out, a nauseating aversion to academics, the attention span of a TikTok addicted goldfish, and general hangover symptoms (though the WHO has disputed whether this is caused by senioritis). “We have no idea how to Stop The Spread,” Nurse Hori Fiyed said. “It’s just as contagious if they gather in large groups as it would be if we made them quarantine at home. In fact, quarantine is known to worsen symptoms.”

In desperation, the Dean of the Class of 2022 held a grade meeting to convince seniors to hold onto their self-respect. “Every single one of you is one failing grade away from expulsion,” he said. Everybody in the audience clapped.

At the meeting, Head of College

Counseling Dee Furred read aloud electives have been converted into a student’s college rescission letter. “I scheduled naptimes. “I used to sleep in expected that would scare the sense and skip English. Now, I stay up late and back into them,” he said. “Instead, come to school just for that class,” Tye all the seniors stood up and started Erd (12) said. “It feels so nice to only get arguing with each other over whose five cut slips a day instead of six.” letter it was.”

Because students have been missing When Ree Jekshionn (12) silently so much class, senior skip day has been stood up amidst the chaos and saluted, postponed indefinitely. “Every day is seniors immediately understood the senior skip day at this point,” Fayl Yure letter was hers. Jekshionn has been (12) said. “Plus I think we’re all too lazy named King of the Senior Empire of to plan it.”

Xcessive Yawning (SEXY) — formerly Yure is one of 180 members of known as the Senior Study Room. “We the senior class who still has not worship our new leader by burning our purchased a senior backpack. “My last problem sets to get lit,” Caw Phee (12) two neurons refuse to fire long enough said while scrubbing Jekhshionn’s crocs. to understand the tiny keyboard on Despite seniors’ clear lack of a computer,” she said. “That would interest in doing anything ever, faculty involve reading and math, two activities members continue to press on. History which I left behind in my past life. Plus, teacher Heigh Expektashions was clicking two buttons to place my order dumbfounded to find that not a single seems like a lot of effort.” senior had started their year-long paper, “Even the senior tent is they said. “When I asked my class to procrastinating getting decorated,” Ba share their first drafts, all of the seniors Ré Minhemum (12) said. blinked at me Sean Lee/Photo Director in sync, like the Frozen trolls do in ‘Fixer Upper,’” Expektashions said.

“I’m not really sure what I’m writing about yet,” Acad Emmic (12) said. “I thought the paper was an inside joke.”

In a last effort to bolster participation, senior English NO CAPTION Seniors couldn’t be bothe

Crossword (for the winners)

Across 1. Move you learned in your health class self-defense unit 5. A punchline for blokes 7. Nacho(s) 8. They need to fix First Class 9. What an illiterate ghost might say 10. A __ of despair, as well as a home to deodorant stains 11. The current state of your JRP Down 1. Currently springin’ (derogatory) 2. What you might find in the library if you keep leaving all your food there 3. “My best campie—You look stunning, you killed it on the bimah today, and I couldn’t be more proud.” (abbr.)

4. Piehole 6. Antonym for “Certainly small.”

10. Words you said in that middle school lab where you swab something and put it on a petri dish.

Two maskless best friends in a room (they might kiss) Oliver Konopko Masked Singer “It wasn’t until a drop of my friend’s spit landed on the tip of my tongue that I even realized it was hanging out of my mouth,” Sal Iva (11) said.

After Head of School Antie Maskyr decided that COVID does not exist anymore, he removed the mask mandate, leaving everyone’s bottom faces exposed. “It isn’t healthy for students to grow up without seeing other people’s faces,” he said in an email to the student body. “Besides, I figure two years is long enough for a pandemic.”

While students initially had mixed emotions, they are now in dismay after seeing their peers maskless.

According to a Record poll, 99% of students are disgusted by their “mask-fishing” class crushes. “I just wish that I could go back to

Christian Connor/Staff Artist

the old days when people’s faces were left up to the imagination,” Shall Oh (10) said. “Pro Blimhateec isn’t cute enough for me to excuse his questionable opinions anymore.”

Two weeks into the unmasking, the school announced a much-needed addition to the mandate. “All students will be required to chew gum in between classes to battle halitosis,” Maskyr said in an email to parents. “Toothpaste, toothbrushes, and mouthwash will also be sold in the school store.”

The temporary disappearance of library mints, coupled with mask removal, has left many students in distress. “I failed my recent math test because of bad breath,” Mask Less (9) said. “I couldn’t focus on my proof because the kid sitting next to me is a mouth breather.”

B a d b r e a t h isn’t the only thing a ss au lt i ng stu d e nt s’ noses. Now that masks

Superiors

Inferiors

Mind Antwuan Walker

Muscle Hannah Hornfeld

Moral Support Lillianna Greyf

Feet, urs.

Mia Calzolaio Emma Colacino

Snooze Claire Goldberg Katya Tolunsky

Cold Takes Devin Allard-Neptune Yin Fei

On Aux Purvi Jonnalagadda Arushi Talwar

Tolerates Freshmen Jade Ciriello

Yells at crew team Lauren Ho

Fart Vivian Coraci Lauren Kim Riva Vig

Design Editors Avani Khorana Arin Rosen

Clicky Picky Sean Lee Sam Siegel

Buffering...

Lucas Glickman

are gone, the copious amounts of perfume and cologne that students don are wreaking havoc.

“The odor was pungent enough with a mask on, so I didn’t think it could get any worse,” Nay Sal Gavity (12) said whilst lying down in the nurse’s office, having fainted from some scent described as “woodsy skunk.” “Maybe masks served a purpose after all.”

Just because the mask mandate was lifted does not mean Bayo Logist (9) will rip it off, they said. “I will continue to wear my custom made mesh mask because that is the safest thing for me to do,” Logist said. “Trust me, I got a 36 on the science section of my ACT.” For some students, masklessness has always been the norm. “Despite what Judge Jackson may claim, the pandemic was never real,” Mask Onchin (11) said. “I’m glad my classmates have stopped being such snowflakes. Maybe now they’ll believe me when I say climate change is fake too.”

Others, such as librarian Eyelovh Bewks, wish the mandate was still in place. “Onchin is the worst,” she said. “I have no excuse to yell at him anymore, and I can’t force him to cover the pedostache on his stupid face.”

As more and more students take off their masks, several students have formed a new club: Students Against Wispy Staches (SAWS). SAWS was formed in order to combat the apparent lack of education amongst students on how to shave their wispy mustaches.

“SAWS’ goal is to educate and hopefully to get HM students to shave their staches,” SAWS’ founder Lush Us Beard (12) said. ”We can’t stand

Censor David Berenson

Diligent Minions Alex Lautin, Alexandra Yao, Allison Markman, Audrey Carbonell, Audrey Moussazadeh, Ayesha Sen, Cecilia Coughlin, Celine Kiriscioglu, Divya Ponda, Emily Salzhauer, Emily Sun, Hannah Katzke, Jillian Lee, Jiya Chatterjee, Max Chasin, Rachael Baez, Sean Lee, Vidhatrie Keetha, Zack Kurtz, Ariella Frommer, Athena Rem, Ben Rafal, Ella Shaham, Erica Jiang, Etta Singer, Heidi Li, Kate Beckler, Lucy Peck, Maeve Goldman, Naomi Yaeger, Neeva Patel, Nia Huff, Rani Ogden, Samantha Matays, Sophie Rukin Less Diligent Minions Aanya Gupta, Allyson Wright, Amelia Hirsch, Anna Miller, Aryan Palla, Ben Rafal, Catherine Mong, David Aaron, Dylan Greenberg, Harper Rosenberg, Jiwan Kim, Lynn Egan, Madlyn Yoon, Matthew Jacobson, Nicole Au, Oliver Konopko, Trisha Tran Doodly Woodly Aashna Hari, Addy Steinberg, Aimee Yang, Amira Dossani, Christian Conner, Dani Brooks, Dylan Leftt, Elena Zhu, Felix Brener, Isabelle Kim, Ishaan Iyengar, Karla Moreira, Kayden Hansong, Kristy Xie, Lauren B. Kim, Sam Gordon, Samantha Strasser, Samuel Stern, Serena Bai, Sophia Liu, Sophie Li

idly by and watch these prepubescent kids make a mockery of facial hair. If you can’t grow it, don’t show it.”

Student backlash against SAWS has been particularly strong among ninth-grade boys. “My stache shows how awesome I am. How are my classmates supposed to know if I shave it?” Mann Lee (9) said. Lee learned all about the importance of a salacious stache from Manly Man AJ Walker, he said.

Despite this backlash SAWS is sticking to its goals and has begun sending out educational “How to Shave” videos to all grades. The tutorials will also be played during the 2022-2023 school year safety assembly. “I just really hope one day I don’t have to see any more half-grown staches ever again,” Beard said.

SAWS is not the only group attacking students; teachers have been demolishing students in the classroom since day one of the mask removal. “I was just raising my hand to ask when we’re getting our essays from December back when my teacher audibly gasped,” Ugg Leigh (10) said. According to Leigh, the teacher then remarked, “Your chin is wack,” which made Leigh immediately turn red. “I could’ve said the same thing about her considering she was wearing bright yellow lipstick and had a tongue piercing,” Leigh said.

Despite mixed reviews, Maskyr is happy with his decision to lift the mask mandate, he said. “I love seeing the students’ happy faces, even if they don’t show it often,” Maskyr said.

Editorial Policy

About Founded in 1903, The Record is Horace Mann School’s award-winning weekly student newspaper. We publish approximately 30 times during the academic year, offering news, features, opinions, arts, Middle Division and sports coverage relevant to the school community. The Record serves as a public forum to provide the community with information, entertainment, and an outlet for various viewpoints. As a student publication, the contents of The Record are the views and work of the students and do not necessarily represent those of the faculty or administration of the Horace Mann School. Horace Mann School is not responsible for the accuracy and contents of The Record and is not liable for any claims based on the contents or views expressed therein.

Editorials All editorial decisions regarding content, grammar, and layout are made by the senior editorial board. The unsigned editorial represents the opinion of the majority of the board.

Opinions Opinion columns represent the viewpoint of the author and not of The Record or the school. We encourage students, alumni, faculty, staff, and parents to submit opinions by emailing record@horacemann.org.

Letters Letters to the editor often respond to editorials, articles, and opinions pieces, allowing The Record to uphold its commitment to open discourse within the school community. They too represent the opinion of the author and not of The Record or the school. To be considered for publication in the next issue, letters should be submitted by mail (The Record, 231 West 246th Street, Bronx, NY 10471) or email (record@horacemann. org) before 6 p.m. on Wednesday evening. All submissions must be signed.

Contact For all tips, comments, queries, story suggestions, complaints and corrections, please contact us by email at record@horacemann.org.

3

THE RECORD EPOXY APRIL 1ST, 2022

Re-leaf! Spring is back, and so is my joie de vivre Louise Kim Flower Fiend

was so nice.

Too nice. I fell into a slumber and missed my next three classes.

The next irritant: yellowjackets. No matter how strongly some people argue that they’re helpful to the environment, they are simply creatures that have one goal: to menace the population.

If they must teach us something, it is fear. Fear them.

The third is garbage, both the halfdrunk water bottles and the students who don’t throw them away. Need I say more? It’s a matter of simple respect for literally anyone and anything.

Shame, shame, shame!

The fourth is the flying projectile — namely, the frisbee and the football. I hope you are having fun, but please Dani Brooks/Staff Artist

Spring is here (well, it would have been this week, if not for climate change) and it is the only thing keeping me going. This Monday, I almost broke down seeing small buds on the callery pear trees (maybe also because of my agenda for the next two months). It may be -20 degrees outside, but my heart sings with a once-lost joy when I walk past the daffodil blossoms.

After living nearly exclusively indoors for the past many months, I’m finally ready for some warmth and fresh air!

There are few things more exhilarating than strolling across Alumni Field during passing time instead of sprinting around the campus to get to your next class in two minutes. Alas, I have lost my primary excuse for tardiness.

Before, you could only glance out the window of your math classroom into gray blankness for a few seconds before looking back at the whiteboard for mental stimulation (or the bottomless dread of being completely lost). Now, your eyes can follow the squirrels as they race up tree trunks… wait a minute, those are just sixth graders. But why are they holding acorns?

My camera roll from last spring has two genres of photos: vibrant flowers and leafy shrubs, and selfies of me crying at one a.m. Will the trend continue this year? Only time will tell.

I am sure of three things: I have dearly missed that scenery, I have waited patiently, and I hope to be rewarded.

Spring is a time for special sightings. Starlings sing and flutter around, ladybugs congregate in odd corners, and seniors wander around Shakespeare Garden, searching for their lost motivation. If you’re at the right place at the right time, you might

even witness a student breaking down on Spence Patio, rather than in the bathroom stall. The location has its benefits. Students stop crying relatively quickly — they inhale all the pollen, and being able to breathe becomes a bigger problem at the moment.

You can enjoy the breeze as you eat chicken tenders with friends, frantically type your history paper due G period on your phone, or have an existential crisis about the meaning of suffering… The possibilities are endless.

Unfortunately, as for many other things in life, there are downsides to spring. Picture this: the birds are chirping, the sunlight is warm, and I went to the field with hopes of getting some work done. The vibe

be mindful of the junior crying at the edge of the field. Getting hit in the face with a plastic disc might be their last straw.

And finally, the looming, massive mountain of work upon which we will hike until the end of the year. Endof-year papers, class presentations, and an innumerable number of tests, quizzes, and everything in between.

Admittedly, I sometimes feel guilty when I am distracted by the beauty around me and neglect my work, but I’ve heard that self-care is important for productivity. I have heard the outdoors revered as a panacea for everything from high blood pressure to stress. And so I shall venture outside of hallowed halls into our campus’ green expanses, picnic blanket in hand.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be frolicking on Alumni Field — until I get hit in the head by a rogue football. They seem to find me quite often.

Answers (for the losers)

LETTER TO THE EDITOR To whom it may concern: It has come to my attention—and perhaps those of you with any observational skills have noticed—that the growing pile of trash labeled “Lost and Found” outside the library is becoming not only a nuisance but a safety hazard. I am sick and tired of sending schoolwide emails that only nerds read, and those nerds aren’t leaving their Hermes bracelets on the sinks in the bathroom anyway. So I’m enacting some change. Starting next week, all that crap is being scooped off and shipped off to Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children [it was the only charity that would offer us a tax deduction].

But I’m turning to The Record [the small percentage of dorks that delete FirstClass spam might overlap with the losers who read this sorry excuse for a publication] with a plea: if any of the items below are yours, come get them.

But do yourself a favor—don’t announce your presence. Slink to the pile in shame, grab, and go. I don’t want to know if that Invisalign that has been collecting dust for three and a half months ever belonged in your mouth.

I have organized the following list by size, from smallest to largest items, not because I thought it would be useful but because ICIE informed me I couldn’t do it by price. If you have lost something that isn’t on this list, it’s probably mine now.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

One baby tooth A half-used mango-flavored Juul pod A live goldfish — but don’t come get this one. I’m attached and have named him Benny.

A take-home algebra test (43.2/100, and the teacher wrote good work!) covered in unidentifiable stains — seems to me like coffee, blood, toothpaste (?), and tears.

A filled out Health class drug usage form, with nothing written except “alcohol with supervision (at a seder).”

Some unused late passes. Come n’ get ‘em while they last.

A stack of cut slips exclusively from the senior class A dead rat. Please stop eating in the library.

Your mental stability (still looking for mine).

A sweaty trashketball shirt from the Bad News Berensons.

A precocious toddler.

Hundreds of Fiske’s Guide to Colleges 2022. At least half have a post-it on the page with the U.S. News and World Report Rankings.

An emotional support water bottle with a ~quirky~ collection of stickers. Hydrate or diedrate.

A frog squishmallow that likely belongs to #11.

A member of the Class of 2021 on their gap year (a lone and helpless wanderer in a dark and stormy sea) And to whoever keeps parking their BMW in front of the fire hydrant — we’ve had your car towed here for safekeeping.

Ur mom

Signed, A disgruntled librarian

and

anonymous Sophia Liu/Staff Artist

Paddleboarding PE unit takes it to the big leagues Lucy Peck ESPN Correspondent After watching masses of committed students make their way into the pool during swim rotation, the Physical Education (PE) department decided to introduce the school’s newest varsity team: Varsity Paddleboarding.

Prior to the introduction of paddleboarding, sports fanatics were forced to participate in the ordinary dull offerings, such as football, basketball or lacrosse. Thus, sports fanatics were ecstatic to hear that the paddleboarding P.E. rotation became a varsity sport.

In order to weed out the vast numbers of students interested in joining the team, Varsity Paddleboarding coach Hudd Sonriver held a long series of tryouts. Interested students were required to swim 30 consecutive laps across the Hudson River and tread water while juggling three paddles for 120 minutes before even being considered for the team. Out of an overabundance of caution, anyone who wanted to even step foot on the paddleboard had to suit up in protective gear, including padded helmets, life jackets, knee pads, lab goggles, shin pads and rubber gloves.

Participants had varying reactions to the activity. Team member Pad Dell (10) said “The swimming and treading was the easy part.

The hard part was looking like the Michelin Man, puffy from head to toe.” As a previous member of Varsity Water Polo and Girls Varsity Swim, Dell was immensely grateful that this team did not require her to get her hair wet and would allow her to maintain her weekly Drybar blowout. “I mean, there is absolutely no way I could have redone my blowout during the 5 minute passing time,” she said.

“I was excited to finally have the chance to show off my talents,” said Goe Fishh, previously a starter on the Varsity Football and Varsity Basketball teams. In fact, Fishh was the only student scouted by Sonriver to be a starter on the varsity team.

After discovering diamond-in-the-rough Fishh, Sonriver continued his search through the vast numbers of students trying out. Soon enough, they had narrowed the field from hundreds to a team of eight ready-to-be-D1recruited paddleboarders ready to destroy any competition that came their way.

The team submitted a request for funding but was promptly denied by Athletics Director Ihade Spoorts. After starting a Gofundme and raising a grand total of $2 (from Sonriver himself), the team was forced to accept defeat.

Without any monetary or emotional support from the school, they were forced to practice during the members’ lunch periods.

For the first week, at nearly every practice there was a gaggle of paparazzi taking pictures of the team outside of the pool, Fishh said.

“I can only assume that my classmates were overly excited about our rapid progress as a team and wanted to boast to their friends from other schools,” he said. “The attention detracted from my ability to focus in on my strokes,” he said.

It was extremely difficult for the team to find any competitors at first. “I don’t know of any other schools with a team like ours,” Fishh said. Fortunately, the team was able to encourage other schools in the Ivy Preparatory League to follow the school’s lead, even making a hefty donation to Trinity in order to build a bigger pool suitable for paddleboarding.

The first paddle boarding meet against

Fieldston, on February 29th, was a smashing success. The stands were full to the brim, with spectators who did not arrive early enough forced to stand along the walls.

The participants of both teams lined up against one side of the pool eagerly awaiting the blow of the whistle. Once the match began, each player used their paddle to propel themselves to the other side of the pool as quickly as possible.

“I feel like there is this common misconception that this sport is violent but I’m here to clarify that it is not. The only kind of violence permitted is biting, growling, punching, kicking, wrestling, screaming, hair-pulling and yelping, there is absolutely no slapping permitted,” Sonriver said.

In fact, Dell only punched and bit 8 of her 10 competitors, she said. “I considered kicking the other two [competitors], but at that point I was risking my blowout and that just couldn’t happen.”

The Lions were victorious at their first meet, winning with a final score of 5-0.

Following this crushing victory, donations and support began flooding in from school administrators, fellow students, and even the Alumni Committee.

Given all of these donations, the team was able to splurge on new maroon uniforms and

paddles. They were also able to secure a practice time after school hours, score their own yearbook spread, and create their very own Instagram page (@paddleboardinglions) to feed their ever-growing fanbase with pictures and videos from practices and meets.

Sonriver began to worry about maintaining paddle boarding musculature for all of the athletes. They suggested each of the players be offered an assistant willing to carry their backpacks for them from class to class, for fear that they may tweak their backs.

Additionally, the team members were granted the ever elusive elevator access, as well as paddle boards with wheels so that they could paddle from class to class while maximizing their practice.

Kayden Hansong/Staff Artist

8

THE RECORD THAT’S IT? APRIL 1ST, 2021

Th

l a i c e Offi

The Record

Horace Mann Purity Test

Have you ever...

Caution: This is not a bucket list. Completion of all items on this test will result in lifelong trauma.

Put a check by every item you have done. Subtract a point for each check mark to get your score out of 55. ☐ 1. hooked up in a faculty bathroom? ☐ 2. been caught by a faculty member after hooking up in a faculty bathroom? ☐ 3. stayed at school past 6 pm? ☐ 4. stayed at school until midnight? ☐ 5. slept over at school? ☐ 6. fallen asleep during class? ☐ 7. fallen asleep during an assembly? ☐ 8. skipped an assembly? ☐ 9. skipped pe? ☐ 10. skipped a half-credit class? ☐ 11. skipped a full credit class? ☐ 12. received a cut slip even though you were in class? ☐ 13. lied about failing a test? ☐ 14. actually failed a test (less than 65 percent)? ☐ 15. cried in class? ☐ 16. cried during a test? ☐ 17. cried while doing ungraded not-to-behanded-in homework? ☐ 18. been sent to guidance by one of your teachers? ☐ 19. been sent to guidance by a random faculty member? ☐ 20. been to HOCO? ☐ 21. been to HOCO by accident? ☐ 22. emailed a teacher at midnight? ☐ 23. emailed a teacher after 3 am? ☐ 24. gotten hit by a soccer ball while minding your business on the field? ☐ 25. chucked a soccer ball back at a middle schooler on the field? ☐ 26. gone bowling with your friends… using middle schoolers on the field as pins? ☐ 27. turned in a major assignment a day late? ☐ 28. turned in a major assignment in a week late? ☐ 29. turned a major assignment in over a month late? ☐ 30. taken the subway to school? ☐ 31. avoided eye contact with your teacher on the same subway car as you? ☐ 32. gotten off the train and walked the remaining few miles to school in order to avoid ever

Your Score: _________

running into a teacher on a subway car again? ☐ 33. made your friend get you Starbucks during their free? ☐ 34. been the friend that has to haul a million coffee cups à la Andrea Sachs interning for Miranda Priestly after your friends made you get them Starbucks during your free? ☐ 35. had food delivered to the school? ☐ 36. had food delivered to the school by a guy riding a motorcycle? ☐ 37. fallen in love with your motorcycle delivery guy and run away to Italy with him? ☐ 38. been cut by a middle schooler in the lunch line? ☐ 39. cut a middle schooler in the lunch line? ☐ 40. gotten into a verbal spat with a middle schooler over whether you’re allowed to cut them in the lunch line? ☐ 41. gotten into a physical fight with that same middle schooler? ☐ 42. lost that physical fight and spent your next free trying to come up with a cooler backstory for your swelling black eye? ☐ 43. bought a Monster from the vending machine? ☐ 44. consumed more than one Monster in a day? ☐ 45. consumed more than one Monster in a class period while your peers chant at you to “chug! chug! chug! chug!”? ☐ 46. pulled an all-nighter? ☐ 47. pulled more than one all-nighter in a week? ☐ 48. used the elevator without permission? ☐ 49. been kicked off the elevator by a faculty member? ☐ 50. snuck onto a middle school bus? ☐ 51. used the school’s Uber account for a ride home? ☐ 52. sung the alma mater off school grounds? ☐ 53. been quoted on @overheardhm? ☐ 54. left hate comments on an @overheardhm post? ☐ 55. said the words “junior spring cannot be that bad?” out loud?