Record The Horror Mann
OCTOBER 31ST, 2019 || VOLUME 117, ISSUE 8
RECORD.HORACEMANN.ORG
HORACE MANN’S WEEKLY NEWSPAPER SINCE 1903
Canada goose. That’s the joke. Adam Frommer Staff Writer As winter nears, the time is not so jolly for the geese. The Swan Goose is doing fine, but the Canada Goose is in trouble. It’s feather plucking season, and the geese will have a long, cold winter ahead of them while their feathers grow back. But their sacrifice is not in vain: Horace Mann students will be toasty this November while they walk through the halls of Tillinghast, strutting their style and voguing their way to the Caf. Next Thursday, students will express their condolences by partaking in A Day of Quacking. Like a day of Silence, students may pick up stickers in the Library to indicate their indignation towards this capitalist crime. Students vow to only making quacking goose noises for the entirety of the day to raise awareness. Teachers have been told to excuse any possible lack of class discussion. However, some teachers believe the quacking make actually elevate discussions above the normal drivel. Next Monday will be Plucking Day, where students will have permission to “pluck” any people wearing The Goose. Feather pluckers will be available in the library to borrow, and students will be able to simulate the company’s feather plucking process on Goosewearer. The physical limits of “Plucking” will be fully in the power of pluckers, Mr. & Mrs. Italia Overpriced said in an email statement. The school will also have a donation basket for students to donate their new or slightly worn Canada Goose jackets. 100% of donations will be worn by geese to get them through the winter, Head of the Animal Hair Protection Society (AHPS) Jaquet Monclair said. “We are also going to have a bake sale in which proceeds will fund a student walkout,” Associate secretary to the Vice President to the Director of Fur Logistics Makaj Koat (9) said. “But of course, any and every Goosewearer will be “pie’d” in the face.” Plan Etdestroyer (12), wearer of the 2020 Rossclair Fusion Fit Genuine Coyote Fur Trim Down Parka, doesn’t approve of the new aggression towards fur wearers. “What most people don’t know is that I got mine on sale. I would never pay full price for it.” Come on, Plan. We call your bluff. We all have tried to find The Goose on sale and it just doesn’t go for less than full price. “The thing is, what normal-jacket wearers don’t admit is that they’ve tried to buy The Goose too,” Shaide Throuwer said. “They hate us cause they ain’t us.” Those who are prone to wearing the The Goose tend to also flaunt the Canada Goose’s Second cousin: the Golden Goose shoe. While taxonomists are presently unsure how to scientifically classify a Golden Goose, as it tends to reveal itself to be neither golden nor goose, the two species seem genetically linked by the likelihood of their pairing in an outfit. In some especially fruitful pairings, the real Goose feathers are known to actually transform into solid gold. Nonetheless, the Canada Goose attackers will be out with a vengeance this winter, goose lover Vee Gan (4) said. Student-organized groups are rumored to be stationed outside of the testing center with Beyond Meat’s plant based Foie Gras to smear onto the unusually-large pockets of the jackets in a final thrust against Goosewearers. This week is going to be dangerous for all wearers, but especially those who parade around with a real fur hood on their jacket, goose activist Burr Berry said. Gross theater will be an official safe space next week, where frequent Goosewearers will be able to hide under the protection of the society for Humans’ Right to Wear. There are those who envy Goosewearers, and not without reason. According to the Canada Goose Website, “Goose People is a concept, an ideology. Goose People dream big dreams and take big swings,” the website wrote. “Their journeys, achievements and take-charge attitudes help us find meaning in the farthest corners of the Earth.” That is an actual quote from the company. It is not made up, and perhaps, at the end of the day, that is the saddest thing of all.
Left on read Yesh Nikam Staff Writer
Students are outraged over a shocking discovery: teachers across the school are leaving their students on read on First Class. This scandal was first discovered by a ninth grader who failed his steel drums exam and wanted to meet with his teacher to negotiate a better grade. “I emailed my teacher two weeks ago and I never got a response back. He even read the email, which kinda hurt my feelings,” the frosh said. At first, the freshman thought it was an anomaly, until he heard his friend Ale Gebrea (11) complain that his math teacher had not responded in a month to his email requesting a recommendation for a summer program to research the effect of pre-tweens using TikTok. As the year went on, both students began to overhear more and more students talk about about a similar phenomenon. “Whether it was during the safety assembly, the long line for the Tuesday panini, or during college night, I felt that everyone was complaining about being ghosted by their teachers,” Gebrea said. Eventually, teachers were forced to come clean. In an assembly early last week the Head of School revealed that all teachers partook in a three-month long conspiracy to ignore all emails from students. The ‘ghosting’ was started by an English teacher who could not reply to emails in early September due to glitches in First Class. “The terrible program prevented me from replying to my students; the app just kept on quitting out,” he said. “I eventually stopped even trying to respond.” Ignoring the emails put the teacher in a relaxed state of mind: “It felt so good not having to address the needs of a bunch of stressed out teenagers.” Immediately, other teachers began to follow suit. “I started bragging about how good it felt ignoring students and other teachers began to feel jealous. By the end mid-Sep-
tember, the whole English department was ghosting students,” he said. Eventually, the rest of the school’s faculty heard about the mental benefits to ‘ghosting’, and by the end of September, not a single teacher was sending emails. “I’ve always wanted to ghost my students,” a math teacher said. “Responding to all these kids is too much work. I’d rather just watch Netflix,” she said. However, the lack of emails from the administration wreaked havoc on the school’s community. Since there was no longer a weekly joke sent out to students from the dean of student’s weekly email, students were visiting guidance and counseling to cope with the change. “It just made me really sad,” Procra Stinator (10) said. The administration noted that the average grade at the school dropped from a A- to a C+, since students were unable to set up meetings with their teachers. “That’s when we realized that this may be causing some problems,” a history teacher said. This weeks’ ‘weekly update’ email was the first email sent by a faculty member in over two months, and restored order to the school. “Seeing the joke again put my mind at rest and brought a smile to my face,” Stinator said. “Honestly do you really need to know if it’s MLA or Chicago formating at 11 at night? Shouldn’t you be watching James Charles instead?,” said a faculty adviser for a publication much like this one.
That story about the girls in the bus video that you’ve wanted to know since circa never Vivien Sweet Staff Writer
“Sorry, can’t talk. I have a bus to catch.” These nine words reverberated throughout the hallways of Tillinghast, echoing even in the nooks and crannies of the archives, following the school’s yearly showing of the cinematic masterpiece, “Bus Dismissal Video.” Following the assembly, students could be overheard excusing themselves from H period tests with just that sentence, causing
many teachers to rush to FirstClass to frantically voice their dissent to Dr. Kelly, complaining that the main office had
dubbed “Sorry, I have a bus to catch,” as an excused absence. To clear up the terse air surrounding the phrase and its implications, the Community Council (CC) hosted a joint panel with Managed Chaos, the masterminds behind the infamous “Bus Dismissal Video,” during D period in Gross Theatre. The History of Film class was required to stay for the forum, but most of the class had opted to wait in the panini line instead. During the post-assembly discussion, the motives of the two girls involved in the interaction, Runeen Owtatime, who uttered the notorious seven words, and Sadd Frend, who was on the receiving end of the abrupt conversation-ender, were thoroughly investigated. What class did Owtatime come from? Why did Frend need to speak to h e r
so urgently? Was Owtatime’s bus really leaving that soon? After a series of testimonials from acquaintances of the duo—including Jimmy, the biology lab manager, Owtatime’s former bus driver, and Frend’s best friend’s younger sister’s second cousin— the truth was unveiled. Owtatime was in a rush to meet her personal college counselor, who had ubered all the way from Boston to proofread Owtatime’s common app essay in person. Since Owtatime needed to be in the proper “headspace” to finalize her 13th draft, she absolutely needed a seat at the front of the bus. Meanwhile, Frend was fretting over her senior Facebook name. According to her advisor, she had been deciding between “SaddBoiHours” and “Got that Summertime Saddness” for the past few weeks, and seeing that November 1st was right around the corner, Frend needed to make a decision quickly. The former seemed a little edgy for her taste, but was the latter too clearly a reference to archaic 2012 pop? Only Frend’s closest confidant since lower school, Owtatime, would have the answer. Although both Owtatime and Sadd declined to comment on the incident (and have not been speaking in the hallways since), it has been rumored that they will still room together in PI, much to the relief of their friends. “Runeen isn’t normally this rude—especially not to Sadd,” a former teacher of both Owtatime and Frend, who asked to remain anonymous, said. “I suppose the impending doom of early decision college applications must’ve gotten to her.” Gabby Beefberg/ Fart Director