Humor Issue 1 (Issue 8)

Off The Record Volume 118 We have issues.

Time is fake, anyway.

“It’s always 2 a.m. in the StuPub”

AHHHHHHHHHHH Gabby Fischberg/Art Director

Alumni Council posthumously honors Roy Cohn.

And you thought Barr was bad. Ha! School purchases plastic bubbles for students, says it’s the best practice of any Ivy Prepatory League school

AMAZING! Student makes it through 15 minutes without complaining about how much work he has

BREAKING! Seniors’ hair lines recede an average of .8 cm before November 1st UNPRECEDENTED! Friend group dresses up as college mascots for Senior Absurdity Day, sparks outrage in school.

WOW! Student strolls along 80th and Park without seeing any other Horace Manners

Oh god... please no. You’re in the rec room at Dorr and your friend opens a yearbook and shows you a photo of yourself from 2014

SCORE! Student sleeps for two full REM cycles

SHOCKING! Student who said they failed their calc test actually got an A-

Students break into fight over who has more homework

SQUEAKY CLEAN! School adds bleach to water fountains DOUBLE LIFE! Student who calls herself a procrastinator actually starts her projects days in advance. see FULL ARTICLES on pg. 15

MAGA hat found, incites third Red Scare Talia Winiarsky and Claire Goldberg Managing Editor and Junior Apprentice School will be conducted remotely for the next two weeks after Public Safety identified and successfully obliterated a MAGA hat on Alumni Field, Head of School Dr. Tee Kay announced in an email at 3:28 am. Currently, there are only speculations as to who owns the hat, and how it made it past school security in the first place, he wrote in an email.

The hat was found at 2 a.m. on Friday morning, Head of Public Safety Secure Ity said. “Any time we detect an unwanted presence on campus, we initiate all safety protocols faster than you can say ‘Dump Trump,’” Ity said.

First, all iron gates were immediately closed so that no one could enter or exit campus. Then, a team of 20 undercover officers was dispatched with anti-mask pamphlets, hunting rifles, and ‘Saturdays Are For the Boys’ flags to try and lure the culprit out of their hiding spot, Ity said. “They tend to be drawn to others in the pack,” Ity said.

“We had already developed a 750-step plan to represent how much money Trump pays in taxes, in case this problem ever arose.”

Kay decided to call an emergency assembly to address the event. “My priority is making sure that everyone feels safe on campus, and I know that the assault on our core values — in the form of a MAGA hat — was beyond alarming,” he wrote.

Kay will mail each student Patagonia vests, Nalgene water bottles, and New Yorker tote bags to both provide a means of comfort in this difficult time, and to cement their liberal identities.

Students will also have access to Kay’s credit card in the event that these items are not sufficient and should feel free to order any kind of soup they like from Zabar’s or laptop stickers from the Settle for Biden site, he wrote.

The event and the school’s reaction quickly made national headlines, even drawing attention from the President himself. “Sad! Just heard about the FAKE LIBERAL Media taking over the schools, exactly Where they don’t belong, Very sad, very Very sad,” Trump tweeted. “This is the Worst Thing To Happen In Schools Since The 1619 Project. The Do Nothing Democrats are terrible teachers!”

The president even seemed to suggest that he himself was the hat culprit. “Finally someone burst These liberal Elites’ bubble, who Knows, maybe it was Me,” he tweeted, following a string of elicit emojis.

Feeltha Bern (11) said she broke down in tears when she heard the news. “I just don’t know if, like, I’m going to be able to feel safe at this school anymore,” she said. “Like sure, they say they removed the hat already, but I just know that now every time I’m walking across the field my heart just starts pounding uncontrollably, and I have to douse myself in kinetic sand to calm me down.”

The news shows that Fieldston students were right about Horace Mann being the “Republican school” of the Hilltop schools, she said. “I just don’t feel like my liberal views are respected here anymore.”

During online school, all teachers will postpone assignments and assessments to address the event, Kay wrote. “We decided to halt all normal classes because we understand how impossible it can be to learn in an environment that may feel hostile,” he said. Any student who does not feel like they can come to class at all will be excused — no questions asked, he said.

A new mandatory history class will also be introduced to the curriculum, called “World Historythrough a Liberal Lens,” History Teacher Dema Crat said. “While this is very similar to the old curriculum, some might say exactly the same, we decided on this new name to demonstrate to everyone how we truly feel. Plus we added a bonus unit on Karl Marx. So that’s fun!”

The school will also introduce “MAGA hat safety video” to the annual safety assembly so that students are equipped to deal with stray conservative propaganda on campus, Ity said.

“The video will mostly show students how to dispose of the hat properly, and it also stresses the importance of telling any peers trying to talk to you at the scene of the hat, ‘Sorry, I can’t talk right now, I have a MAGA hat to dispose of.”

To prevent incidents in the future, the school

TRIGGER WARNING Beware the photo above. is instigating a Conservative Symptom Check, which parents or guardians will have to fill out every morning, Kay wrote. “The list asks students if they believe in climate change, the legitimacy of election results, whether or not women should have the right to choose, and more,” he said. If students answer no to any of these questions, they will be instructed to stay home.

“If I couldn’t say my opinion before, what am I supposed to do now?” said Conserva Tive (10), a student who chose to be anonymous for, well, obvious reasons. “I’m going to have to start posting infographics on my Instagram story, wearing a ‘Vote’ mask, and tell my friends that I think young Joe Biden is hot.” * Right before the paper was sent to print, we found out that all students and faculty will return to school on Monday. The hat was discovered to read “Cornell Grandpa.” False alarm, everyone.

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THE RECORD OFF THE RECORD OCTOBER 30TH, 2020

Horace Mamptons to open soon-ish Talia Winiarsky and Henry Owens Partners in Satire

Rachel Zhu/Fart Director

Consbeeracy buzzes around Mia Calzolaio Staff Writer A few weeks ago, Polly Nater (11) was one of a select group of very observant students who began noticing the bees around campus. First, they were clustered by the trash cans. Then a lone soul buzzed around the bathroom near the cafeteria. Nater didn’t think much of it until after a particular incident in which a singular bee followed her around the field for an entire period. At that point, she became suspicious of the seemingly omnipresent little pests.

Having picked up some close reading tips from a recent issue of The Record, Nater perused the school’s 183 page Plan to Reopen. After two hours, Nater stumbled upon a small footnote, Clause 227a, hidden beneath a large paragraph about how to properly wash your hands. Written in two point Comic Sans font, the clause read: “The school may use animals, insects or otherwise, to enforce social distancing and student safety at our discretion.”

Head of School Dr. Tee Kay confirmed this plot. “About two weeks before the start of school, we hired a bee-keeping company to install hives of bees who were trained to keep students at a distance,” Kay said. “They were installed in various locations around campus, including a toilet in Fisher, a computer cart in Tillinghast, a bucket in the basement of Lutnick, and others that remain confidential at this time,” he wrote in a FirstClass chat room.

The administration decided that it would not email students about the plan because the absolutely unreadable 183 page plan was “always available to everyone,” he said.

The school colluded with the company Sting, a branch of Flik, who trained around 300 bees to buzz at students whenever they were less than six feet apart. The bees were equipped with special microscopic motion sensors that could detect

space between students in order to complete this task, Kay said.

However, in recent weeks, the plan has gone haywire. “The school lost track of the original blueprints that contained the locations of the hidden hives, and most of the sensors on the bees have malfunctioned or fallen off completely,” Kay said.

Recently, Kay sent out an email warning students that the bees they had been seeing around campus could exhibit extremely hostile behavior towards students who put more than two packets of sugar in their coffee.

According to Nater, the bees have taken a particular liking to the colors of Golden Goose sneakers and are especially prone to chasing sixth grade girls. She has even seen a cluster of bees “conspire” to steal all the salmon avocado rolls from the food truck, she said.

Nata Naturgal (7) said the bees have aggressively approached her and her friends during lunch. “I can’t possibly imagine what they might be attracted to,” Naturgal said. “I just want to eat my chicken tenders and honey mustard in peace, but they won’t stop bothering me. They have clearly gone crazy.”

Another student, Quein Bea (10), said she has seen bees flying off with students’ AirPods, and just last week, her custom-made Timothee Chalamet key chain fell victim to the hive. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without my little Timmy,” she said, fighting through tears.

The Parents’ Association immediately established a subcommittee when they heard that bees were becoming more prevalent around the school. “In my household, we do not tolerate Bs,” one confused parent said. “My child must never get below an A. I want her to go to college, not technical school.”

The subcommittee was disbanded once they realized the issue was related to child safety, not grades.

Move over, Avenues — HM is in town!

After Thanksgiving, when most of the school will conduct HM Online 2.0, the school will offer an in-person learning option in Southampton: Horace Mampton, Head of School Dr. Tee Kay said.

The option is available for all Horace Mann Platinum Maroon Circle members, which includes all families who donate more than $250,000,000 annually. “Avenues is no longer the only school with a pretentious Long Island outpost,” Kay wrote on an airplane banner currently flying across the South Shore beaches, his new preferred means of communication with The Record.

The new campus is located in Southampton, universally regarded to be bougiest of the Hamptons. It was designed

by Salvador Gaudí, who joined the mission due to its “hope and promise for the next generation,” he said. “The reason La Sagrada Familia has taken 100 years to finish is because I’m working on this project. Priorities, you know?”

Gaudí’s design includes numerous facilities, including a cricket pitch, four badminton courts, an indoor pool with waterslide, and an 800-year-old library.

Due to it literally being a castle on a hill, the campus is not accessible by car or bus.

Students will have to arrive by helicopter or yacht.

As distinguished alum William Carlos Williams ’03 once — more or less — said, “The better work men do is always done under stress and at great personal cost… in the Hamptons.”

Numerous food options will be available to students, including an on-campus Sant

Ambroeus and daily catering by The Plaza Café. “It’s not quite as good as my private chef, but it’s alright for brunch and Hors d’oeuvres, so long as I’m home for supper cooked by Gordon Ramsay,” Chip Smith (10) said.

After years of colloquial usage, “Tea Time” will be the official title of Horace Mamtomps’ break, which will last from 10 to 11 a.m. and include a variety of fresh croissants, traditional baguettes, Sabra hummus cups, and scones.

The school does not want students to go without normalcy, so sports will continue, Kay said. They will provide wetsuits for wakeboarding in the bay and hold daily scrimmages as to who can stay up the longest, he said.

The school will add new classes to take advantage of their new campus. They will replace all English classes with an “Influencing 101 Class” with a curriculum dedicated to teaching students how to effectively run their Rinstas, Finstas, stories, private stories, Facebooks, Facebook lives, TikToks, and LinkedIns — a special challenge for those with a GPA above 4.0.

The school’s main challenge will be that Thanksgiving to January is when the Golden Geese migrate to the Hamptons, Kay said. Their cawing may be too loud for classes to be held in tents, which is why the field will be reserved for sports only. “They’re uncontrollable,” Kay said.

“They’re leaving the Upper East Side in droves to come to our campus.”

“Horace Mann has always been a bubble, but the Southampton bubble is so extreme that we don’t need to worry about masks or distancing,” Kay said. “There’s really no need to worry about exposure. We do a great job of concealing the horrors of the outside world, germs included.”

Lauren Kim/Fart Director

HORACE MANN STUDENTS: ARE YOU OKAY? IT’S TIME TO SEEK GUIDANCE

YOU’RE A-OKAY

Team Talia Winiarsky Newds Sam Chiang Yesh Nikam Marina Kazarian

Charli DAmelio Henry Owens Emily Shi Vivien Sweet

Staff

idc up 2 u Maurice Campbell Avi Kapadia Natalie Sweet

S&M Izzy Abbott Abby Beckler Oliver Steinman

Staff Writers Devin Allard-Neptune, Mia Calzolaio Chloe Choi, Emma Colacino, Yin Fei, Lucas Glickman, Claire Goldberg, Tuhin Ghosh, Liliana Greyf, Lauren Ho, Hanna Hornfeld, Purvi Jonnalagadda, Oliver Lewis, Rowan Mally, Simon Schackner, Morgan Smith, Arushi Talwar, Katya Tolunsky, Nathan Zelizer, Max Chasin, Alex Lautin, Jillian Lee, Hannah Katzke, Vidhatrie Keetha, Zachary Kurtz, Clio Rao, Ayesha Sen, Emily Salzhauer, Aden Soroca, Emily Sun, Madison Xu Staff Photographers Kelly Troop, Sophie Gordon, Amanda Wein, Emma Colacino, AJ Walker, Lucas Glickman, Lauren Ho Staff Artists Eliza Becker, Felix Brenner, Riva Vig

Volume 118 Editorial Board No Julia Goldberg

???

Yotam Hahn Alison Isko Josh Underberg

Bradley Bennett Adrian Arnaboldi Bradley Bennett Jack Crovitz

About Founded in 1903, The Record is Horace Mann School’s award-winning weekly student newspaper. We publish approximately 30 times during the academic year, offering news, features, opinions, arts, Middle Division and sports coverage relevant to the school community. The Record serves as a public forum to provide the community with information, entertainment, and an outlet for various viewpoints. As a student publication, the contents of The Record are the views and work of the students and do not necessarily represent those of the faculty or administration of the Horace Mann School. Horace Mann School is not responsible for the

Sleep Adam Frommer

Benign Lowell Finster John Mauro Sarah Sun Ally August

Editorial Policy

Talent Central Annabelle Chan Gabby Fischberg Lauren Kim Rachel Zhu

accuracy and contents of The Record and is not liable for any claims based on the contents or views expressed therein.

Editorials All editorial decisions regarding content, grammar, and layout are made by the senior editorial board. The unsigned editorial represents the opinion of the majority of the board.

Opinions Opinion columns represent the viewpoint of the author and not of The Record or the school. We encourage students, alumni, faculty, staff, and parents to submit opinions by emailing record@horacemann.org.

Letters Letters to the editor often respond to editorials,

Flickr Jackson Feigin Julia Isko Maxwell Shopkorn

Sponsor David Berenson

articles, and opinions pieces, allowing The Record to uphold its commitment to open discourse within the school community.

They too represent the opinion of the author and not of The Record or the school. To be considered for publication in the next issue, letters should be submitted by mail (The Record, 231 West 246th Street, Bronx, NY 10471) or email (record@ horacemann.org) before 6 p.m. on Wednesday evening. All submissions must be signed.

Contact For all tips, comments, queries, story suggestions, complaints and corrections, please contact us by email at record@horacemann.org.

HORACE MANN OFF THE RECORD OCTOBER 30TH

Zoomitzvah: A night to be forgotten Liliana Greyf Staff Writer “This year has been filled with loss,” Kan Twait-Torage (7) said. “But nothing has hurt quite as badly as realizing that I won’t get to post a photo booth picture on Instagram of every single bat and barmitzvah that I attend with the caption ‘Mazels! You killed it on the bima and looked so pretty at your party!’”

Last week, a majority of the seventh grade attended the first party of this year’s bar and bat-mitzvah season: Redi Toopartee’s (7) “Zoom Bash,” an online party to celebrate her ability to read a Hebrew transliteration so that her parents would pay for her dress and Alexander McQueen sneakers.

Toopartee has been looking forward to the event since she was seven — she even took a photo on her first day of second grade and thought, “this will look so good in my montage,” she said. “Obvi, I’m like really sad that it’s not in person and stuff. My venue was gonna be really sick, but whatever.”

Although Toopartee toyed with the idea, she ultimately decided not to have a theme for her party. “Mostly I just wanted everything to have a recognizable brand name,” Toopartee said. “I have to stick with what’s important to me.”

Still, Toopartee’s peers were prepared to celebrate her special day. “I got the new MacBook in the mail and was so confused — I already got that one last week! But when I saw ‘RP’ etched into the top in purple rhinestones, I realized that it was an invitation to the Bash,” Lotta Munni (7) said. “The home screen was preset as the Zoom code. Adorable!”

The party favors didn’t stop there, Sawk Ermom P’26 said. “I opened our mailbox on the morning of the party and saw that someone had left a box of pigs in a blanket in there,” she said. “It turns out that the Toopartees wanted to really recreate the feeling of a real event, so she provided dinner that was a little cold, a little soggy, and definitely not kosher.”

To ensure there was a festive atmosphere, all guests were required to have fun Zoom backgrounds and wear black tie attire. “I just wore my sweatpants under my dress since no one could see them,” Roole Braker (7) said.

“It was really nice because I didn’t have to shave my legs.” Still, Braker made sure to put on a touch of mascara and way too much coverup: “It’s not like I was trying to look bad,” she said.

Ohvehr Exçited (7) made her background a photo of Harry Styles, which most found very funny. However,

Toopartee was not at all thrilled.

“Everyone knows that Harry is mine,” she said. “I would bet my Hermés bracelet that she was doing that purposefully to start drama. It’s like, a real betrayal. I just rewatched Gossip Girl, so, you know.”

To truly recreate the atmosphere of a bat-mitzvah Toopartee created a Breakout Room called “Girls’ Bathroom.” “I was really looking forward to those moments when you are so tired of the party that you just stay in the bathroom until someone notices,” she said. “I just wanted people to feel as comfortable as possible.” To recreate the iconic blurry mirror selfie, Toopartee asked guests in this Breakout Room to take screenshots while holding up peace signs — ironically, of course.

All attendees also received “merch” from the party, Twait-Torage said.

Toopartee found out from a Buzzfeed article that sweatpants are currently the most worn piece of clothing in the nation, so she designed loungewear with “RP” written in glitter down each leg.

Although there were many memorable moments throughout the evening, the highlight of the event was when lovebirds Wont Attenshun (8) and Paup Yular (7) went into a breakout room to “hook up,” Yular said. “Of course

we didn’t actually kiss,” she said. “But we sent red heart emojis to each other in the private chat. It was really romantic and probably the start of something new.”

Toopartee did have some worries about the event, she said. She didn’t want the program to glitch, so attendees were only allowed to unmute themselves to sing along to the lyrics of Party in the USA. “That one’s a classic, so I decided to take the risk.”

She was also worried about whether her peers would be willing to stay for all four hours of the event, Toopartee said. So, she came up with a solution.

“The longer you stay, the more five

π

dollar Apple Store gift cards you get,” she said. “If you made it to the end, we even shipped a teddy bear the size of a small car to your house.”

Unfortunately, Toopartee’s plan was Lauren Kim/Fart Director not foolproof. As her best friends, Dan CeForprize (7) and Ehner Jetic (7), made their way to the stage (they were pinned on speaker mode), the whole program broke down, causing the party to end earlier than expected. “We had a whole list of our 183 inside jokes prepared,” Jetic said. “I was so sad that no one could hear us say the word ‘bestie’ 18 times in the span of three minutes.”

School sues the University of Chicago for plagarism Emma Colacino Staff Writer Over the weekend, seniors tore open their mail to find yet another glossy HM booklet promoting “Life of the Mind.” It was a pamphlet from the University of Chicago. This is not a joke.

After hearing news about the confusion surrounding the University’s eerily familiar motto, Head of School Dr. Tee Kay became suspicious of its originality.

He then decided to sue the University of Chicago for plagiarism of the school’s Core Value “Life of the Mind” for $13 million. In the lawsuit, Kay claimed HM was very obviously the only school that has ever valued the life of the mind. “At the very least, they should have cited us in their sources,” he said. “Did they miss the history class in the library midway through the first semester where Ms. Kazan explains how to use Noodle Tools?”

Kay has chosen to take action now because he has an especially easygoing three months with extra free time in his schedule, allowing him to take on some new, fun, relaxing initiatives.

Since news spread of the school sharing the same motto as the University, there has been an uproar of students demanding that the term “lifers” be changed to refer explicitly to students who begin at school in the threes and graduate from UChicago. “My college counselor told me that UChicago was not the right fit for me at all, but I didn’t go to Horace Mann for all these years to not be in the lifer section of the yearbook,” said a senior who demanded they remain anonymous.

To uncover the entire, full, and utterly complete truth, The Record reached out to the Head of UChicago for his opinion on the matter. He declined to comment.

A recent poll in The Record has shown that the change in UChicago’s values to match that of the school has also caused a 250% uptick in students applying ED to the university. “I can already bring all my maroon and white clothes to campus, and now I don’t have to re-learn any core values when I go to college,” Edna Ross (12), who is applying to the university, said.

However, not all members of the student body are as pleased with sharing the motto as Ross. Herefora G. Time (10) has said that she no longer feels a sense of purpose in having “intellectual curiosity” if it’s going to be the norm at every other school, she said. “I didn’t even think that using your mind was something other schools even did,” she said. “I thought it was just kind

of an HM thing, like sushi and ice skating.”

Outside of the classroom, students have created a Change.org petition to either move the school’s campus to Illinois or to move the UChicago campus to Riverdale, and form a joint high school/university.

Yushi Cago (11), the creator of this petition, believes it would be beneficial for UChicago students to experience life on the HM campus, she said. “I just feel like they would get a great opportunity to experience going to school in a place where fun doesn’t go to die. Plus, they could taste the food trucks delicious soba noodles,” she said. “I bet they don’t have that in Chicago.”

This petition has already garnered the support of students, faculty, and parents, and has now been taken into consideration by the Alumni Council, who is guaranteed to provide an opinion on the matter within the next five to seven years.

Who does our student body support?

*Out of four male AP Economics students polled

Editorial: THE RECORD ENDORSES DONALD TRUMP With the election next Tuesday, we know many of you are still undecided. Fear not! The Record is proud to announce our endorsement for the 2020 Presidential Election: Donald J. Trump.

Trump is the only candidate who represents our mission as a student newspaper by consistently opposing fake news. He calls Joe Biden out on being sleepy — and despite getting a collective six hours of sleep as a board, we have NEVER once appeared sleepy. He’s the only candidate with a (still) distinguished alum in his cabinet.

Most importantly, Trump best represents our school’s core values.

Life of the Mind He has such a big mind! He has the biggest, most beautiful words.

Fenommmmenal words.

Mature Behavior Having a relationship with a porn star is certainly mature, if you know what we mean.

Irrela Vant ‘89, who is the school’s Head of Marketing, said it is actually fantastic that HM shares many similarities to the university and that the school should begin selling UChicago merchandise in the school’s bookstore.

“Aftering sticking the HM logo on every sweatshirt, water bottle, mug, pen, umbrella, stapler, smartboard, face mask, iPhone, hairbrush, and chapstick that we could find, we were kind of stuck on where to go from there,” he said. “We might have to create a new building dedicated to selling school SWAG, but who are we without our HM Merch?”

Mutual Respect He treats all people with equal respect, whether you’re a Proud Boy or Qanon believer. He is the least racist person he knows, and he always manages to find fine people on both sides.

A Secure and Healthful Environment He defeated the coronavirus. We are so happy about that.

We’re attending school in person and everything is awesome. This is so normal. Everything is normal. It’s fine. We’re fine.

A Balance Between Individual Achievement and a Caring Community Well… four and a half out of five ain’t bad. Trump has achieved everything himself. Also, Caring Communities are for losers and haters.

4

THE RECORD OFF THE RECORD OCTOBER 30TH, 2020

School purchases rights to Charlie Brown Hanna Hornfeld Staff Writer Whenever students feel overwhelmed by their absurd amount of work and find themselves slowly slipping into the void of stress, despair, and utter lack of will to do any of what they signed up for, they can find comfort in the Charlie Brown movies. Just make it through October, and you can watch Lucy, in the most stunning witch costume of all time, bad mouth her brother’s dreams to every stranger who will listen, while Sally and Linus embrace the true spirit of Christian girl autumn in a pumpkin patch and Charlie Brown reluctantly grows his rock collection. Iconic.

So when students found out that Apple TV’s purchase of exclusive rights to the Charlie Brown movies would prevent them from watching in the Katz Library as well as on ABC, they were, to say the least, incredibly gosh darn upset. “What am I supposed to do without Lucy’s psychiatric advice?” Stressedse Nior (12) said. “It’s hell week! Guidance and the entire English Department are booked until at least December.”

Without the promise of these god-given movies to look forward to, once put-together students descended into madness. One group of students pulled an allnighter on Alumni Field, carefully watching for a pumpkin to rise up from the ground and grant their wishes. “We were manifesting,” Mathstu Dent (11) said.

“As practice for when Warles Chorrall gives back our tests.”

The Library Department resolved to do the only thing that made sense: use the money that would have otherwise been spent on a skating rink and bouncy castle to sue Apple TV for Charlie Brown. They won the lawsuit, of course. Apple TV, a platform on which nobody ever watches Charlie Brown (or anything, for that matter) stood no chance against the Library, the source of all the Charlie Brown in the world.

The exact details of how the Library won the lawsuit

and why ABC was not at all involved are unclear, which irks some students. “The plot of this story has a lot of holes,” Nior said. “Kind of like Charlie’s ghost costume.”

Regardless of how it went about doing so, the Library now has a complete monopoly on the Peanuts franchise. Starting today, Charlie Brown will play in the Library classroom perpetually, so that whenever students are experiencing a moment and their usual sources of guidance are occupied, they can escape reality with the greatest movies ever made. This service is free for all students — considering they already pay the school 50 grand a year — but anyone else in the whole world who wants to watch Charlie Brown must now pay the Library 60 dollars (or 40, for those under 12 or over 65), plus an additional 3 dollars for a slice of pizza (or 5 for two).

The Library will also be selling Peanuts-themed merchandise, which they tactfully put on display in every corner of the school, including Olshan Lobby, chem labs, the cafeteria, the inside of middle school lockers, that random area in the basement between the elevator and the archives, Lutnick study rooms, one acre, and bathroom stalls. Because of this genius advertising, anybody who comes to watch the movies will succumb to the all-powerful force of consumerism and spend all their money on the Library’s products. “We saw our chance and we took it,” Library Department Chair Baroline Cartels said. “And now we’re going to be so rich. Nickels nickels nickels. What a beautiful sound!!!”

Although ethically questionable, this endeavor will ultimately benefit the student body — at least on the superficial level that people pay attention to, Dent said. “Are they profiting off some students’ borderline unhealthy obsession with a group of fictional characters?” they said. “Maybe. Will my happiness now rely solely on constantly having access to an endless supply of these movies? Perhaps. Is it worth it?

Absolutely.”

A sneak peak at next month’s calendar...

Why Horace Mann is a perpertual Bat Mitzvah Adam Frommer, Talia Winiarsky, and Julia Goldberg Back @ it

1. The girl’s bathroom is where it’s at.

You just overheard a group of girls in the big stall talking about what Felicia and Jeremy were doing last Saturday night after they went to Momoya. You don’t know what to do with this information.

2. Free food for the ages.

Never fear, you’re never further than thirty feet from a hot dog. Or maybe fear. Definitely fear.

3. You’re up past your bedtime and aren’t happy about it.

12:31 a.m. isn’t a great time to be jumping in a mosh pit to “Fireball” by Pitbull while inhaling the sweet scent of AXE cologne, but it’s a worse time to start your English paper about the Siberian prison system in Crime and Punishment.

4. Sweaty boys.

That is all.

5, Absurdly long pick-up line.

Uber would be nowhere without Horace Mann kids.

6. It’s expensive.

Many, many, many tens of thousands of dollars.

7. Social insecurity.

You didn’t know how to interact with people at 13. Now, you’re braceless, grown into your limbs, and stopped going to Serafina every weekend, but still don’t know what to do when your teacher says “How are you?” while walking quickly in the opposite direction in the hallway.

8. So. Much. Merch.

You have a shelf for BM merch and another shelf for Service Learning Day and Homecoming t-shirts from the past two decades.

Rachel Zhu/Fart Director

9. You play Jewish Geography when bored.

Wait, you’re family friends with him, too? That’s so funny! We went to Boca together last December.

Horace Mann Campus Edition Sarah Sun/Benign Editor