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ytodpdjebaotjeo The Editors Deskq
k s e D ’s r o t i d E e h T FROM Note) STARFLASH (Editor’s AM AD M OF SK DE E TH aders,
Re Dearest Quibbler-ers and
illy weathwishes to you all in this ch est rm wa my d ten ex to e I would lik ll warm your heart. er. Hopefully this issue wi ibbler-ers who to all of the wonderful Qu u yo k an th say to e ks lik I would tend an extra special than ex to e lik o als I'd . ble ssi rs for all of made this issue po lves facilitators and playe wo ere W er mb ve No e th e to all enjoy the special featur u yo pe ho I n. tio era op your co of this issue! ch I love and appreciate my I just want to say how mu you all, my heart would be Quibbler family. Without three sizes smaller. Happy holidays from the May Fortune smile upon
eu ytodpdjebaotjeo The Editors Deskq
THE QUIBBLER: NO. 34850 JANUARY 2018 THIS ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER WAS CREATED, WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND REVIEWED BY THE HOGWARTS STAFF AT /R/THEQUIBBLER. THIS ISSUE FEATURES ARTICLES THAT EXPOSE THE TRUTH. SELLING OVER 1,500,000 COPIES WITH OVER 29,000 DIFFERENT ISSUES, WE ARE THE WIZARDING WORLDâ€™S ALTERNATIVE VOICE AND REASON SINCE 1989. WE THANK YOU FOR READING AND PURCHASING OUR SMALL INDEPENDENT NEWS MAGAZINE
Welcome to OUR BRAND NEW issue of the Quibbler. Below is an overview of everything you can find in this All new edition of the Quibbler! We hope you find the experience Both enlightening and entertaining! THE BIGGEST STORIES FROM THE
06 Hogwarts Werewolves: The Musical 40 Oliver Wood: past, present and future 92 An Ending to the Cauldron War REPORT: Finally the devastation will end
ECLUSIVE: The Reign of Gold takes the world by storm!
We catch up with Oliver Wood!
jfjsdjwfksfkljklwenjkfnzwdiewghiorndgknakflenifnsdnakhwroiuwehdnmd, News And Features. ................................ 06
Education. ............................................... 98
Crafts, Brews, And Hobbies.................. 100
Magical Plants And Creatures. ............. 30
Dark Arts............................................... 103
Entertainment. ....................................... 38
Puzzles And Horror-Scopes................. 108
Sports. ...................................................... 92
Editor-In-Chief: Starflashfairy Managing Editors: Elbowsss, L-ily, -MrJ-, Eldis_ Administration: Marx0r, Dagrock, Wiksry Layout and Design: Mathy16, Csatvtftw, Thealtoid, Elpbit, Hippoaddict Art: Pastelpurrfect Castles & Burrows: SirMeowMixxalot Classifieds: L-ily Crafts, Brews, & Hobbies: Mathias_Greyjoy Dark Arts: Bubbasaurus Divination: Starflashfairy Education: Starboost3 Entertainment: RGCFrostbite Fashion: jfinner1 Magical Plants & Creatures: Ryan814 News & Features: theDUQofFRAT Sports: Elphabaisfae Travel: Jessi_Hall Contributors: Achatyla, AtomicMatty, Chantdesange, Diordnas, EarwaxJellybeans, El_Quetzal, Eldis_, Featherpanda, HylianEngineer, Jessi_Hall, K9centipede, Kinty, L-ily, MeeemWho, Pastelpurrfect, PeteDS, Rysler, SamuraiSpiritus, Sanchmo, Silvestress, Star-sand, Starflashfairy, Thatslytherclaw, Thereefa, Wiksry, WitchUnicorn, Xboxg4mer
QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES SLURP_LORD REPORTS ON
A Surprising End To The Devastating
Earlier this year a devastating war begun. A simple argument between friends turned into a full on battle with several strangers allying together to attack the others. When the dust settled only a few of the battle’s participants were apprehended by the Ministry, yet the battle was far from over. Two factions formed: CACA and CHOCA. For the first month following the original battle, the war was silent and slow. The Ministry of Magic released one of the participants less than a day after sentencing him to a year in Azkaban. This release was due to a controversial bribe of ten thousand galleons. The man’s name was Jensen Mackay and had taken leadership of CHOCA. For a month after this we had heard nothing. Many civilians began to believe the war was a lie. There was no CACA or CHOCA; they were wrong. We’ve since gained new information that a total of three battles occurred within that first month of the war without anyone knowing. CACA won all of them. Be that as it may, their victories were bittersweet as they’d suffered a total of twenty-six casualties whilst CHOCA suffered only nineteen. CHOCA surrendered all three of those battles, but any prisoners CACA took escaped soon after. It was after that that things turned for the worst for CACA. New battles occurred wide in the open and civilian deaths skyrocketed. Twelve more battles took place and CHOCA claimed victory every single time and spared no mercy. What was the reason for this sudden turn of events? The Ministry of Magic actually banded together and joined CHOCA in wiping out CACA. CHOCA’s numbers combined with that of the Ministry’s was far too much for CACA to handle. At the end of the sixteenth battle (the original and first three included) everyone thought the war had ended. CACA’s casualties totaled a staggering one hundred and twelve whilst CHOCA counted fifty-six. Those numbers are nothing compared to the one hundred and seventy-four civilian deaths, both wizard and muggle.
For another two months following the supposed defeat of CACA, there was silence. Until one day Dean Thomas, a very high-up member of CHOCA, was brought under investigation by the Ministry and CHOCA. They’d found evidence of him working with CACA and attempted to apprehend him, but in a stunning escape he grabbed CHOCA leader Jensen Mackay and apparated away. Two days later a CACA member leaked the location of their base of operations and every CHOCA member flooded the place immediately. What remained of the CACA members fought valiantly but were overwhelmed. Soon after the final battle had begun, it ended. CACA had devised a backup plan. They’d planted several muggle devices called C4 around the building and when all seemed lost they activated the devices which exploded and killed nearly every CHOCA member and CACA member, Jensen Mackay included. If any members of either faction survived, there’s not enough left to continue the war. Dean Thomas has been spotted prior to the explosion but has since gone into hiding. The Ministry has turned a blind eye to the events and gone back to business as usual. The war is over, but what other vile things could our very own Ministry of Magic do now that they are once again corrupt? Only time will tell.
NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER SILVESTRESS WRITES
he Floo Network Authority would like to wish you all a wonderful time over the coming winter holidays. Alas, we leave you with a warning. Floo powder is a quick, easy way to travel and see family. When it's snowing outside, who really wants to ride a broom, or try and apparate with all those presents? This is why, at this time of year, many witches and wizards clog up the Floo Network risking serious injury! So, before you leave in a puff of green smoke, please follow these few, simple steps.
Is your destination blocked by stockings? We love to adorn our fireplaces with stocking, tinsel, and other knick knacks. These can be hazardous to anyone trying to use said fireplace. As the multitude of exits fly past, it can be hard to spot your exit when they all look the same, we often forget that the back of stockings are all very similar!
Is the fire lit? To avoid a nasty surprise, along with burnt undergarments, unplanned visits are unwise in the chilly season. It is best to send an owl first to give your hosts time to let the fire cool!
Are you feeling sneezy? We all know how important it is to state your destination clearly when using Floo powder, so if you have the flu, it's better not to Floo!
Are you carrying extra luggage? It is normal to give and receive presents this time of year, but they can be rather bulky. Of course, this is not ideal when travelling by Floo. If you cannot send your presents by owl, please ensure that your luggage is tightly fastened to your person; preferably split your load between as many people as possible.
Do you really need to travel? Due to the higher volume of travelers, it is much better to not take any unnecessary journeys. This will reduce the chance of collisions or accidents while in the Floo network, making everyone's holidays easier! Happy Holidays!
NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER
LAW ENFORCEMENT REPORTS The Head of Magical Law Enforcement noted that this season, incidents were few and far in between, however were very grave. Remember to stay ever vigilant and to treat fellow Muggles with compassion. MAGICAL LAW ENFORCEMENT PATROL: ◊ December 5 1:02 AM- Patrol called to Smiling Winky’s after rowdy elves drink too much and take to the streets in celebration of not being Christmas elves. The elves were promptly given sobering potions. ◊ December 7 1:39 PM- A magical duel occurred outside of Knockturn Alley, causing the MLE patrol to shut down the entire alley while they fixed the effects of the duelists charged magic. ◊ December 20 3:45 AM- Wizard miscreant found to be burglarizing local muggle homes by dressing up as santa claus. MLE Patrol apprehends suspect and is taken in for questioning. DEPARTMENT OF INTOXICATING SUBSTANCES: ◊ December 15 4:30PM: Wizard apprehended after selling sweets to muggles with a delayed stasis charm. There were several tragedies as unsuspecting muggles froze while driving, causing several traffic accidents. ◊ December 18 5:03 PM: Batch of Silvertongue warming potions recalled
after the main ingredient found to be contaminated with an unknown substance. No issues reported so far. ◊ December 19 7:09 PM: Witch spikes the eggnog at her company christmas party with a confusing concoction causing mayhem as everyone at the party. One party-goer turned everyone into reindeer. IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC: ◊ November 23 2:00PM: Wizard teen caught charming his neighbor’s turkey to “dance”. Thankfully, nobody was home to see the turkey dance and teen was given a stern warning. ◊ December 12 3:34 PM: A child’s burst of accidental magic causes nearby snowman to come to life leaving muggle adults horrified, but muggle children gleeful. The adult’s memories were obliviated, but the children were left alone as it was noted that there was a muggle story about a talking snowman. DEPARTMENT FOR THE REGULATION AND CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES: ◊ November 23 6:55 AM: Aurors are called in after several reports of giant animals taking over the city. Upon further investigation, aurors
deem these reports to be sightings of the muggle “Macy’s day parade” ◊ December 11 11:31 AM: Dragon tamers called in after several owls of a dragon being spotted terrorizing the countryside. Aurors called in to obliviate muggle observers. DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES ◊ OCTOBER 21 2:22 AM; Muggle “policemen” had to be obliviated after wizard caused their “fire legs” to spew grindylow spit. Wizard was apprehended. ◊ OCTOBER 25 8:49 PM: Muggles in a local suburban community had to be obliviated after a witch had brought all Halloween decorations to life. Muggles were given calming draughts and all decorations were taken back to their respective yards. Suspected witch has been taken in for questioning. ◊ A fat white haired and bearded man was seen flying under the influence on the night of December 25. It is unclear who this stranger was, bt multiple muggles reported seeing the man fly from house to house.
GICAL LAW MA E
EPARTME * D NT
EMENT * RC FO N
The Minister of Magic and The Head of Magical Law Enforcement would like to thank the Auror Headquarters, Wizengamot Administration Services, Hit Wizards, Investigation Department, Ministry of Magic Witch Watchers, Office for the Detection and Confiscation E O of Counterfeit Defensive Spells and Protective Objects, DI I S A DIVI and all others that keep our world safe. OF
MOST DANGEROUS DARK WIZARD OF OUR TIME? 12
NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER
WHO IS GELLERT GRINDELWALD? Gellert Grindelwald, born 1883 is considered one of the most dangerous Dark Wizards of our time and has achieved the reputation of Undesirable No. 1 . Wanted for the murders of countless wizards and Muggles. This has made him the most sought-after wizard in over 13 International Ministries. The reward for the capture of him and his wand reach 100,000 Galleons. Educated at Durmstrang Institute, a school famous for its unfortunate tolerance of the Dark Arts, Gellert Grindelwald devoted himself to pursuits of distinctly dark nature. When Grindelwald was sixteen years old Durmstrang felt it could no longer turn a blind eye to his twisted experiments and he was expelled. There have long been rumours and murmurs that Grindelwald plans to lead a wizarding revolution to end the International Statute of Secrecy, creating a ‘’benevolent’’ global hierarchical order led by the wise and powerful witches and wizards who will dominate the Muggles. He has been described as highly intelligent, magically talented, idealistic, as well as ambitious to the point of ruthlessness, with a vicious temper. His many radical fanatics, have proven dedicated to achieving his ends at any cost. A revolutionary operating outside the law, he and his followers have committed numerous crimes, including countless murders and terrorist attacks in both the United States and Europe.
APPROACH WITH EXTREME CAUTION! DO NOT ATTEMPT TO USE MAGIC AGAINST THIS MAN! If you have information regarding the whereabouts of Gellert Grindelwald or any of his followers immediately contact your Ministry’s Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Any information leading to the arrest of this man shall be duly rewarded. Failure to report will result in imprisonment. THIS PSA BROUGHT TO YOU BY MATHIAS_GREYJOY / PETEDS 13
CHRISTMAS THUNDERBIRD BY SILVESTRESS 14
NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER
nce upon a time, there was a wizard. He was a good wizard, but he was lonely. He travelled the world, meeting new people, discovering new creatures, and learning new spells. Each year, on December 24th, under the cover of night, he would apparate back to everywhere he visited, leaving gifts for the kind young witches and wizards he met along the way. One year, while in Arizona, he found a huge golden bird egg all on its own, and as he bent to pick it up, the creature within began to hatch. From the egg came a Thunderbird, and with its birth came a rain so strong the locals deemed the new wizard cursed, and banished him. He spent the next few years raising the young bird, having to move more and more frequently as people feared the storms that followed him. But, throughout all this, he still gave gifts every year, even to the families who shunned him. However, he grew old, and he found himself a home deep in the Scandinavian Snow where no one could find him, and no one could complain about the Thunderbirdâ€™s storms.
Still, each year, he apparated around the globe, leaving presents at the foot of children's beds. Then one year, he began to apparate, but instead fell to his fragile knees. Concerned, the Thunderbird took him home and forced him back to bed to rest. The wizard agreed, but he grieved at the loss of his yearly ritual, and eventually fell asleep with tear tracks down his wrinkled cheeks. Determined, the Thunderbird gathered the presents and covered in the storms that had caused the wizards loneliness, it flew around the globe, dropping presents down the chimneys of each house it found. The wizard awoke the next morning to his own gift, seeing the sack, which had been filled with presents, empty at the end of his bed, and a tired bird resting on its large perch. Even after the wizard passed away, the Thunderbird and its children continued his tradition year after year. So if you hear thunder on Christmas Eve, you better hope you've been good, and maybe you'll awake to your own magical gift.
QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES
eletriky AT CHRISTMAS A
s many of you know, I sent some time a few months ago blending into the muggle world in order to discover more about the mysterious eletriky, and in that time I felt that I had made some progress through the use of ‘badderies’. Well, this winter I have decided to become my alter-ego, Lilith De’Wiggins, once again, this time with a little secret up my sleeve. A second-hand wand! Since returning to the magic world, I have researched ways in which I can communicate with this great muggle power, and came across a rather unusual assistant. A magical creature called the Chizpurfle. Quoting the great Newt Scamander in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: “Chizpurfles are small parasites up to a twentieth of an inch high, crab-like in appearance with large fangs...In the absence of magic, Chizpurfles have been known to attack electrical objects from within.” He then goes on to mention someone called Willhelm Wigworthy, but it’s nothing important. So using the old wand as bait, I caught a few of the creatures, and after a small enlargement charm, I was ready to head back to the quaint village with Sir Snuffles and my new pet ‘crabs’. I was amazed when I arrive to see every house lit up with brightly coloured flashing lights, some even shaped to depict a fat, bearded man in red, stags, and snowmen! After talking to a few of the locals I was informed that these were not to represent Dumbledore, nor James and Harry Potter, but in fact a Father of Christmas. I was not there however to learn more about muggle traditions, but instead to delve deeper into my quests, so I went to my new, temporary home, and put the Chizpurfles in an old fish tank.
As I mentioned at the start, when I had been here previously, I had managed to communicate with the eletriky through the TV (or talk view), and so that is where I began, using the ‘romote’ to once again hear the staticky hum. This time, i decided to try pressing some of the other stitches to see if I could manipulate the humming, or decipher what it was it was trying to say. unfortunately , I am led to believe that the eletriky does not like to be manipulated, as the Talk View began to shout, and then whisper, seemingly randomly as I pressed the buttons, and I quickly turned it off before I angered it any more. The next day, I decided to release one of my Chizpurfles into my little bungalow. Sir Snuffles followed it around for me, his little bell letting me know where they were, and a permanent marker tracing their steps along the way. After a while I made a hole in the floor where the creature was particularly interested and found a lot more wires underneath, curled up like snakes. They didn't move however, even when touched, so I went outside to look for more. I soon noticed that each of the patterned lights outside each of the houses were connected together with these wires, with many wires leading to one little box, which then lead into the houses via another wire. I quickly realised that cutting into these wires once again angered the Eletricky, turning off the lights once again. But this time, I took those coloured lights black home with me, and knowing that when the lights were off I could not get hurt, I
cut once again into the wires. I discovered something interesting. Within each of the wires were more, smaller wires, which contained even smaller wires, until the final ones were thin strands of metal. These had to be the homes of the eletricky! I still had my trusty, friendly baddery, marked from the last time I was in the muggle world, as well as some new ones I had collected from around the house. Now, my theory here was that my friendly eletricky could use the metal to travel into the other baddery and let me use that one as well! I placed both of them on the floor, and touched the metal to the top of each. I saw a flash of light, and then the metal snapped into two, and my poor fingers were once again burnt by the fire from the eletricky. After that, neither baddery would make the romote work for me, so I feel that any progress I had made may have been undone. I had only one chance left to understand the eletricky, so I released all of the Chizpurfles along with my clever Sir Snuffles, and took off into the night to explore the village. Unfortunately my dear readers, I am no longer allowed back to my muggle village and I am in quite a bit of trouble with the department for the regulation and control of magical creatures due to myâ€Ś misplacement of the enlarged chizpurfles. So this will be my last voyage into the muggle world, and if you would like to learn more about the muggles eletricky, apparently you should just read a book written by Willhelm Wiggworthy. 17
A Caring Hand We here at The Quibbler have received a message from u/Achatyla, and on their behalf, would like to take this opportunity to remind students that Madam Pomfrey is always available to extend a caring hand to anyone struggling with difficult thoughts or behaviours at this time. Please remember that as a trained medi-witch Madam Pomfrey is knowledgeable in all aspects of wizarding health, not only in physical disfigurements and maladies but also in matters of the mind. Please do not be afraid to reach out if you or someone you know is in need of additional support.
Remember, help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it
RAISED BY DEATH EATERS
light emerging from the darkness
BY: JESSI_HALL ART BY: WITCHUNICORN 20
NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER
of school and accompany her parents in hiding. They initially fled to Germany, before later settling in Poland. Living under assumed identities, her parents scraped together a living working in a Muggle factory. “It killed them” says Kitty. “but they were terrified of being caught and thrown From the moment *Kitty was born, it was into Azkaban. Their logic was that nobody would clear that her life would never truly be her own. think a Death Eater would stoop to something She was not of royalty, though her blood was like that.” ‘pure’. She was not from a rich or overly famous family either. Her parents owned a small pub in As her parents were fairly low ranking, authorities Northumberland, England. (The exact wizarding did not view their capture as a high priority. After settlement shall not be named in favour of several months, the little family slowly started protecting her identity.) to relax into their new lives. As it would be too risky to send Kitty back to school, her parent Her childhood memories include playing hired a private tutor so she could keep up her with her toy broomstick in the alley behind the basic studies. Though they swore off contact with pub; her mother enchanting mice to dance for other Death Eaters, they fostered a few tentative her amusement and traveling to various places friendships with other wizards in the area. across the countryside so her parents could attend meetings behind closed doors. It was not until she Christmas Eve 2001 the authorities finally came. was about 9 or 10 that she realized these ‘meetings’ While Kitty preferred not to discuss the intimate were actually Death Eater rallies. details of her parents arrest, she did divulge she had been at her tutor’s house that afternoon. She was “I remember feeling just gutted” says Kitty. “My on her way home for dinner and started walking parents seemed too ‘normal’ to be mixed up in all up the street just in time to see her parents being this. Sure, they kind of kept to themselves, talked escorted out of their home by Aurors. Records about ‘bloodlines’ and whatnot…but they just indicate that there was no actual warrant for didn’t seem like the type…” Kitty’s arrest., however, she was unaware of this at the time and chose to flee the scene. Kitty began her education at Hogwarts in 1996. To protect Kitty’s identity, we will not divulge She was captured four days later. which house she was sorted into. However, we WILL say it was not Slytherin. “My parents After initially being brought back to England, her were disappointed. I, however, was relieved” name was immediately cleared with the Ministry she beamed. While the children of other Death of Magic. Prior to her parents arrest, several of her Eaters pretty much ran in the same social circle, professors had written letters of recommendation she preferred to distance herself. “To be honest, I advising of her innocence. She was debriefed, didn’t like the other children” she confides. “They assigned a new identity, and placed in protective were all a little too into the Dark Arts. They all foster care in Southern Wales. Her foster parents seemed PROUD of what our parents were. I were aware of her true identity, however they were didn’t want to be rude…I just didn’t want to get advised to keep it a secret. The concern being involved.” that regardless of Kitty’s innocence, her parents reputation would likely rob her of the ability to Despite her parents subtle pressuring, Kitty lead a relatively normal life. gravitated further and further away from Death Eater activities and the accompanying lifestyle. She Without the benefit of a formal education, life refused to attend rallies, or the rarely-documented has not been the easiest for Kitty. She struggled youth events designed to groom children of Death to find higher level employment in the magical Eaters to later become members. She shied away community and ultimately gave up on her dreams from the Dark Arts and preferred mediums like of owning a nursery. Though her foster parents Herbology and Astronomy. Much to her parents are understanding about her past, the burden chagrin, she also maintained friendships with and fear of people finding out who she really is half-blood and muggle-born students. has been tough. Even today, the only people who know her truth are her foster parents and a few She dreamed of opening a magical plant nursery people at the Ministry of Magic. somewhere in the English countryside; perhaps selectively breed a type of Mandrake that doesn’t However, it has not been all bad. She married scream. She craved a simple, normal life. A life the love of her life, adopted twin boys, and was without a cloud of darkness looming in the able to help her wife achieve her dream of owning background. Sadly, as with many children of a tea house in the South of France. Though she Death Eaters, this wasn’t meant to be. didn’t get her fairytale ending, at least she found some light at the end of the tunnel. In the wake of the events during the 1998 Battle of Hogwarts, Kitty was forced to drop out *Name changed to protect the innocent. ou can change your sense of style. You can change your career path. You can even change your name if you really felt the need. One thing you cannot change, however, is who your parents are.
Explore a Winter Wonderland With Ruby Red This Holiday Season! Jessi Hall: Ruby Red cordially invites you to satisfy your wanderlust in a true winter wonderland this holiday season. Come to beautiful Canada and experience the holiday adventure of a lifetime! Three days and two nights in the historic province of Quebec. Travelers will be accommodated in the world renowned Hotel de Glace. Nestled in Quebec City, this Muggle made hotel is created entirely out of ice and snow! Arrangements have been made for a Wizards only wing, but feel free to mingle with the Muggles during down time in the many on-site amenities and activities available. Day One will be spent at the historic winter festival, Carnaval de Quebec. Travelers will be given access to both Muggle and Wizard areas. Hot lunch will be provided courtesy of local Wizarding establishment The Proud Pukwudgie. The evening will be rounded out with fireworks and hot apple cider. Day Two will start off with a quick trek to historic Montreal. Travelers will enjoy a scenic bus tour of Old Montreal. Light refreshments will be provided during the tour. Then they shall let loose in the historic Wizard shopping 22
district, La Rue Danu. Dinner will be provided courtesy of The Golden Arrow Pub. The evening will be rounded out with a performance at The Centaur Theater. Please consult with your Ruby Red agent for more information on which production will be running at the time of your tour. Day Three will be an educational wonder for Wizards young and old! Famous Canadian Witch Carmella Stone will be teaching an exclusive class on winter based magic not commonly taught outside of Canada. Travelers will have the chance to sign up for classes in Charms and Potions. Those who wish to not participate will be offered alternative arrangements based on availability at the time. Speak with your local Ruby Red agent for more information. Package prices vary by region. Bring a copy of this article for a 10% discount.
Top 10 Christmas Towns Don’t know where to spend Christmas? Don’t worry, we have the answer! BY: DARK8695
hh Christmas… don’t you just love it? The lights, the music, the multicolor decorations… such a magical time for everyone! So why ruin it all by having fights about where to spend this amazing holiday? Don’t worry anymore! The Quibbler team selected the 10 best European towns to visit and have the Christmas that everyone wants. There are places for everyone! With or without muggles, for smaller and larger families, exciting and more quieter environments. So grab your wand, broom, and robes! It’s Christmas time! The best time of the year!
10. Villeneuve, France
ur first destination is the beautiful town of Villeneuve, France. There are no muggles and it’s accessible only by flu powder since it’s protected against apparition and flying. It’s a very quiet village; ideal for a relaxed vacation.
9. Avalon, England
h Avalon, we just canâ€™t get enough of you! The most historic wizard village in England offers a unique take on Christmas with activities as old as time. However, for safety and preservation reasons the number of outsiders allowed is limited, so we recommend to make your reservation as soon as possible.
8. Tasiilaq, Greenland
his one is for adventure lovers! Want to try crup sledding? Ice fishing? How about seeing the northern lights? Everything is possible in Tasiilaq! Although itâ€™s mostly a muggle town, it has a wizard community hidden in the surrounding mountains.
7. Erfurt, Germany
Erfurt is a 100% muggle city, and a very old one. It has one of the most beautiful Christmas Markets in Germany and it’s a lovely place for muggle lovers. If you’re not familiar with the muggle culture but want to experience it, don’t worry, there are a lot of guided tours for wizards!
6. Jamnik, Slovenia Jamnik is the most remote and small town of our list. It’s surrounded by gorgeous and untouched nature. It’s also very special since it’s one of the few places on earth where muggles and wizards coexist together. It’s a perfect place for a cozier Christmas!
5. Brasov, Romania
If you like to party in the hustle and bustle of the city, Brasov is the place for you! Itâ€™s another 100% muggle city, and like Erfurt there are guided tours for wizards. There are a lot of activities both for kids and adults so it will never be boring! The Brasov Christmas Market is the centerpiece of the festivities.
4. Cittagazze, Italy
Cold not your thing? No problem, CittĂĄgazze is waiting for you! This amazing Mediterranean city is perfect to enjoy the winter sunny days on a terrace with a butterbeer. The town is accessible only by portkey located in a small coffee shop in Rome. 27
3. Zagreb, Croatia Just look at this photo! Isn’t this magical? Zagreb is famous with muggles and wizards for a reason... it’s absolutely stunning! The pedestrian zone in the very heart of the city offers a vivacious Advent event! Souvenir and Christmas decorations market, a selection of food and beverages, and music events in the evening! There are neighbourhoods only for wizards that you can access from several pubs and inns.
2. Hogsmeade, Scotland Admit it...you were getting worried for not seeing Hogsmeade in our list weren’t you? Or maybe you were expecting to see it at the top? Either way there’s no doubt that Hogsmeade deserves a spot. For centuries now the town is the most visited place during Christmas time, and for good reason! Quoting our diplomat for the muggle world: "Hogsmeade looked like a Christmas card; the little thatched cottages and shops were all covered in a layer of crisp snow; there were holly wreaths on the doors and strings of enchanted candles hanging in the trees." To make this even better, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is just around the corner! It’s not only a beautiful sight, but you can expect hundred of students invading the white streets of the town making it one of the most festive, cheerful and genuine place of earth.
1. Rovaniemi, Lapland, England
Santa Claus town, where else? Nothing screams Christmas more than an sweet old man with a big white beard, prominent belly and red fluffy clothes! Santa Claus is so loved and popular all over the world that it doesnâ€™t matter what religion you are or where you live, there is always someone dressed like him. Maybe not all people know this, but Santa Claus (or Nicholas of Myr; his real name) was actually a wizard from the 4th century who gave generous gifts to the poor. He was so kind that muggles thought he was a saint and never questioned his magic. Did he used a flying sled on the night of December 24th? We may never know. But we cannot dey the fact he changed the world forever.
QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES SILVESTRESS
OF MAGICAL CREATURES
agizoologists all around the world have studied our wonderful creatures in great detail for generations; how they survive, what they eat, what benefits they can have for us. Yet very few have looked into how these magical creatures came to be. I, however bring this to you, my dear readers; the evolution of magical creatures! I have done a lot of research, and even spoken to a descendant of Newt Scamander himself, to find out more about the history of three magical creatures from around the world! Acromantula - Ingens aranea Acromantula are exceedingly rare, with very few trained enough to study thoroughly (take Aragog for example, even when raised from an egg he was still violent and unpredictable). I however have found documents dating to the first recorded acromantula! From these documents, it seems that spiders were bred to become larger and larger, in order to spread fear into the hearts of enemies (because who isn't scared of spiders). While this is selective breeding rather than evolution, it is the next part which warrants bringing this to your attention. It seems, that as their size grew, so did their intelligence, possibly due to the growth of brain matter, and they appeared to be able to learn, think, and rationalise in a way that had not been seen before! It has even been reported that when large enough, some are able to reproduce human speech. This has been backed up recently by testimonies from Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley.
MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES QUIBBLER
Augurey (Irish Phoenix) - Hibernia phoenix For those who don't know, the Augurey are greenish black, vulture-like creatures that are native to Britain and Ireland. In general
they are shy creatures, and nest in brambles and thorns to protect their eggs and chicks. They have a throbbing cry which many witches and wizards believe foretell death. But how did they come to be these strange, death-foreseeing birds? Well, centuries ago, there were many types of vultures living within the British Isles, and they all fed upon the same carcasses, fighting for any scraps they could get. One of these vultures was not particularly adept at fighting, and so became scrawny and slow, choosing to hide in bushes and thorns rather than fight for living space within the trees. It began to feed off of the large insects and fairies that also lived in the brambles. The tiny wings slowly tore at the throats of the birds, distorting its cry into the throbbing one we hear now.
Augurey (Irish Phoenix) - Hibernia phoenix For those who don't know, the Augurey are greenish black, vulture-like creatures that are native to Britain and Ireland. In general they are shy creatures, and nest in brambles and thorns to protect their eggs and chicks. They have a throbbing cry which many witches and wizards believe foretell death. But how did they come to be these strange, death-foreseeing birds? Well, centuries ago, there were many types of vultures living within the British Isles, and they all fed upon the same carcasses, fighting for any scraps they could get. One of these vultures was not particularly adept at fighting, and so became scrawny and slow, choosing to hide in bushes and thorns rather than fight for living space within the trees.
It still could not leave its nest, due to its small size, and so when it noticed carcasses nearby, would loudly cry to scare off other vultures. Although their diet no longer required the meat, it gave them time to stretch their legs and spread their wings. This association with the cry and death is what formed into the widely known superstition, and is the cause of many deaths-by-heart attack after people hear the cry, further encouraging the belief. It is not often seen in the wild, due to its hidden nests, but also because it only flies during heavy rain and thunderstorms, its greenish-black colouring adding a layer of camouflage.
It began to feed off of the large insects and fairies that also lived in the brambles. The tiny wings slowly tore at the throats of the birds, distorting its cry into the throbbing one we hear now. It still could not leave its nest, due to its small size, and so when it noticed carcasses nearby, would loudly cry to scare off other vultures. Although their diet no longer required the meat, it gave them time to stretch their legs and spread their wings. This association with the cry and death is what formed into the widely known superstition, and is the cause of many deaths-by-heart attack after people hear the cry, further encouraging the belief. It is not often seen in the wild, due to its hidden nests, but also because it only flies during heavy rain and thunderstorms, its greenish-black colouring adding a layer of camouflage.
winter wonderland BY: IM_FINALLY_FREE
When you awake in the early mornings during winter it is common to find almost everything outside covered in a thin layer of frost, glinting and shining in the sun. To those less fortunate than yourselves, it would be safe to assume this layer of frost is due to water freezing in the cold air- everyone has seen puddles turn to small ice rinks, have we not? However, today you have me as your guide and I will reveal the secret behind every layer of morning frost you have ever seen! It begins very late at night, around 1 or 2am, very slowly creatures that remain hidden all day begin to wake and leave their underground nests. At this point it is important to note there is a difference between morning frost and frost that is created at any other time- one is due to these magical creatures, the other is not. As I began explaining, it starts very late at night, these small creatures leave their nests and begin their search forâ€Ś well we do not know exactly, but should they find it hiding in the grass, or in the bushes, or even in the tallest of trees they will leave a very small offering, a tiny droplet of pure ice essence. At this point, if you are lucky, it can be collected and the droplet, if carefully looked after, will last for several hours even in front of a flickering
fire- uses for such a gift are currently being studied by some of the greatest potion masters in the country. However, if this gift is not accepted it begins to stretch along branches and along the ground and as punishment for the gift being rejected, starts to steal the warmth and life from whatever it has landed on. Why did you think all life seems to seep from plants during winter? It is not the cold that kills them, but instead their life is drained by the illusive Parva Nix (Glacis) awoken by the drop in temperature. Sightings of the creatures themselves seem to be quite rare but they are described as a little smaller than a bowtruckle, a little rotund, but have beautifully bright white fur. One account states their fur feels like freshly fallen snow, impossibly soft and cold to the touch. Alas, to my great disappointment, this has never been confirmed. At this point I think I will draw to a conclusion and leave you with nothing more than knowledge and a small piece of advice- Donâ€™t fall asleep under winter stars as you might never wake up!
QUIBBLER DIVINATION INSERT
Do YOU have burning questions for our resident Seer and fairy, Madam Starflash? Got yourself in a relationship with a Vampire and don’t know if it’s going to work out? Debating on using a love potion on your biggest crush? Have a bully you’d love to get rid off? Don’t hesitate to ask! Madam Starflash ALWAYS has the right answer for you! Contact her in Divination Tower at /r/TheQuibbler now with your desperate questions!
k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Dear Madam Starflash:
Dear Madam Starflash,
These last few weeks I have been followed by two large black cats. When I wake up in the morning, they are sitting in the tree outside my bedroom window. They follow me to work, and wait for me to come out again. When I sit in my yard, they perch themselves on the fence and stare at me. When I sit inside they peer in the windows. It’s gotten to the point where they are even haunting my dreams.
I hope you are enjoying this merry winter holiday! I've been a great admirer of your work for many issues!
Tailed by two furry tails
I hope you can solve my own personal issue -- my Crup has been tearing up my house for several weeks! Johnnie has never been so vicious before, and we live in a relatively Muggle-less area. He's destroyed my sofa at least four times and knocked over a jar of pickled eel's eyes on the TOP SHELF! He also keeps barking and trying to eat my sister's owl! Please send help!
From V. Shoosh
What does it mean? Why won’t they leave me alone?
Dearest Tailed, I regret to inform you that you are not being followed by anything. You are merely hallucinating from overexposure to the perfume of the Flutterby bush you received for your birthday. You should have pruned that by now and sold off the flowers to the Apothecary. The flowers are particularly useful for brewing Amortentia, but if left on the bush, they can lead to severe brain trauma and insanity. Get clipping! May Fortune smile upon you!
--Dearest V, Keeping a Crup as a pet is a terrible idea to begin with, but yours just happens to be possessed by an evil spirit. The only way to rid Johnnie of this affliction is to perform an exorcism. You’ll need a professional. Call in the priest who married your parents, he will be able to help you. He will bring holy water, crosses, and all the other necessary equipment. You’ll need to trust that he will not hurt Johnnie at all, because this is your only hope short of sending your Crup back to the breeder. May Fortune smile upon you!
Dear Madam Starflash, I have been having this reoccurring dream lately. In my dream my Patronus has transformed into a snake. It’s not doing anything particular, but I always wake feeling incredibly uneasy. This is strange for me because not only is my regular Patronus an Ocelot, I am actually terrified of snakes! What does it mean? Slithers in my Sleep Dearest Slithers, Patronuses changing form is a common dream amongst wizards, believe it or not. Your deepest fear becoming your guardian is actually meant to show you that your fears are not as bad as you think. You should learn from this. Try to realize that most snakes won’t hurt you, and that there hasn’t been a basilisk sighting since 1993. At least, not one that was reported. You have nothing to fear as long as you don’t provoke the snake, and since you had the sense to write to Madam Starflash about this, you surely have the common sense to tell yourself not to poke a sleeping snake. May Fortune smile upon you! 35
h d j e i e u e h e h e h e h e l e l e o e k d n j e i l p j e j e j e j e j e j k l m e j e e u e h h d n d Dear Madam Starflash,
Dear Madam Starflash,
I hope this owl reaches you safely, I have been having the worst luck. First, all of my potions turned green, so now I have no idea which is which. Then, my broom began to fall apart mid flight. There have been many more incidents, the strangest being everyone keeps getting my name wrong!
I've recently moved into a flat with an old friend of mine. The house is fantastic, and the location is convenient but my friend will NOT stop leaving her home-brewed potions lying around! The cauldron is constantly caked with mashed insects and eyeballs and I can never brew or cook anything, and the vials are always perched on the edge of tabletops and I keep smashing into them when I try to do anything! Help!
Please help. Unlucky or cursed? ---
Dirk T. Roomi
You’ve been having this terrible luck because of a small Chinese water beetle that fell into your shoe two weeks ago. You crushed it by accident. The ancient Chinese spirits that protect this particular species of bug are now taking their wrath out on you. To make amends and fix your fortunes, you must perform the sacred ritual. First, take the dead bug out of your shoe. Brew up an herbal tea (chamomile and orange blossoms), put the beetle in it, and stir it with your wand twice. Put three purple crystals in the tea and stir once more. Say the alphabet backwards in Spanish and scream loudly. The spirits should leave you alone after that.
May Fortune smile upon you!
Dearest Dirk, The best way to deal with this is to put Unbreakable Charms on every vial in the house, learn how to properly use a Vanishing Charm to clear the cauldron (a clean cauldron is a happy cauldron), and invest in a nice potion-storing cabinet. An Undetectable Expansion Charm will make that cabinet absolutely invaluable. Also, have a gentle talk with your roommate, who has been preoccupied with her Healing classes. A big box of chocolate frogs will go a long way towards getting what you want. May Fortune smile upon you!
Dear Madam Starflash, My kneazle, Pumpkin, has gone missing. I left her alone for 5 minutes and when I came back she was gone. I'm really worried; I've looked for her everywhere. What should I do? Sincerely, Cat Lover Dearest Cat Lover, You didn’t leave the door open like you thought you did. And you haven’t looked everywhere. Leave a bowl of buttermilk by the kitchen door and Pumpkin will come out from under the couch and drink it. You may want to put a Location Charm on her for next time you panic like this. Take it easy; she’s not going anywhere. May Fortune smile upon you!
DIVINATION INSERT QUIBBLER
Rysler 's Silly Songs ‘Least Favorite Things’ Performed by Vernon Dursley, Written by Rysler of Hufflepuff
Nephews and questions and underage wizards Dry spells and neighbors and midsummer blizzards Feathers and letters that ruddy owl brings These are few of my least favorite things Tax audits, assistants, ruiners of punch lines Japanese golfers and increasing lunch fines Letters on Sundays and Ford cars on wings These are few of my least favorite things Giants and pig tails and everything that’s weird Flying cups acting up, old fools with long beards Rascals who yell on the phone when they ring These are few of my least favorite things When the brat wins, or grown men sing Or folks aren’t formal I simply yell at my least favorite things And then I can feel normal Dementoids, strangeness and dreams of flying bikes All kinds of riffraff picking on my lil’ tyke Rugrats and hoodlums acting like they’re kings These are a few of my least favorite things Boys watching news and then lying to sass me Their lot in strange hats trying to harass me Baconless sandwich, magic with no strings These are a few of my least favorite things Flying cakes, noise upstairs, incidents outside All funny business and kids acting too snide Knowledge that *he* will come back ev’ry spring These are few of my least favorite things When my son’s cursed, by ginger twins And things aren’t formal I simply yell at my least favorite things And then I can feel normal
WELCOME TO K9'S PARTY KORNER! Every Quibbler Edition I'll be providing you wonderful readers with some fun Harry Potter themed activities to bring the extra level of Magic to your Harry Potter Parties! This edition’s theme will be activities appropriate for a Magical Baby Shower!
YOU-KNOW-WHO Requirement: Over-sized Diaper Pins for all guests Everyone knows who the party is for, that doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun. Pin a large diaper-pin to all the guests shirt and let them know that the baby is You-Know-Who. Anyone caught saying ‘Baby’ should be shushed, and the person catching them saying that will remove the speaker’s pin. The guest at the end of the party with the most pins is the winner!
HERMIONE’S BEADED HANDBAG Requirement: A large diaper bag filled with baby supplies, paper and pen for guests Hermione Granger’s Beaded Handbag is the dream accessory for all upcoming mamas. For this activity, you’ll need to prepare your own version. Get a large diaper bag (decorated with beading is option) and fill with an assortment of fun and creative baby supplies. Then each guest will stick their hand into the bag and reach around, feeling as many items as they can, for 2 minutes. When time is up, the guest will then write down a list of as many of the supplies as they can. Once everyone has had a turn, the complete list can be revealed (either by listing them off, or pulling them forth from the bag). The guest with the most complete list is the winner!
HAGRID’S BOOK OF MEMORIES Requirement: Scrapbook, Instant Print Camera, Scrapbook Supplies Just as Harry cherished the book of memories that Hagrid gave him after his first year at Hogwarts, your baby is sure to cherish this book of memories. Before the party, ask all guests to bring a photo of one or both of the parents and their favorite memories with them. Then during the party have the guests decorate a page in the scrapbook, recording this favorite memory with as much flair as it deserves. Additional photos can be taken at the party to add to the book. The host might want to get a heads-up on some of the memories to ensure the supplies are catered to some of the more popular memories with the parents. This activity makes a great alternative to a guestbook.
BABY DIVINATIONS Requirement: Baby Bottles and a thick liquid for all guests Trelawney may not view this fun activity as a valid form of divinations, but your party guests are sure to have a blast! Provide each guest with a 4oz baby bottle filled with a liquid of your choice. Milk, Wine, Beer, Eggnog, Smoothie, etc. Have the guest chug down their bottle as fast as they can. You can give awards to the quickest drinkers if you’d like. Once all the bottles are emptied, open them up and examine the dregs left behind. Locate symbols and meanings to see what kind of future the baby can look forward to! A book on divination symbols might be useful, but guests can make up their own with just as much fun! 39
Dear Readers, It is time for something very special. Last November, a very special game of Hogwarts Werewolves was held. In this game, a brilliant writer wrote the events that played out. What you will read next is a Quibbler exclusive view on the happenings of November 2017 in Hogwarts Werewolves. We are proud to share with you "The Reign of Gold: A Very Werewolf Musical".
THE CAST 22poun, .....................................................................................a famed leader of mobs Backbeatdream, ...........................................a charismatic but unpredictable woman Bardtothebone, ...............................................an inexperienced yet determined man bubasaurus, ......................................................................... a dutiful and true woman Capitolsara, .......................................................... an enthusiastic and helpful woman ChefJones, ................................................a distinguished but absent-minded scholar CommanderofPanem, ............................................................... a no-nonsense dawg DefinitelyNot22Poun, ...........................................................an eccentric researcher DrippingAlchemy: ............................................ an outspoken but well-meaning lady eauxpsifourgott, ............................................................. a well-spoken man of honor Eggplant8D, ..............................a supportive man who, surprisingly, likes vegetables Elbowsss, ..............................................................................a gentle and aspiring chef fairuzabalked, ............................................................. an outspoken lover of fine arts Fickle_Duchess, ................... a politically astute woman whoâ€™s not that fickle, really findthesky, ......................................................................................a decorated veteran Frolicking_Elephants, .......................................................... a woman of gentle soul Glass-Cherry, .................................................... not to be confused with Glass-Sharks Glass-Sharks, .................................................... not to be confused with Glass-Cherry HedwigMalfoy, .......................................a lively and participatory owl-woman-thing Icetoa180, ........................................................ an idealistic man with dreams of unity k9moonmoon, ..........................an enthusiastic woman, daughter of Nascarfreak123 keight07, ..............................................................................a reliable and true woman lonely_enigma, ................................................an inquisitive and reasonable woman lucygirl9-17, ................................................................ a wise but star-crossed woman Mathy16, ............................................................the village lunatic with a lot of Beliefs MikeyMoe, .................................................................................... a loyal and true man MisterZMA, ........................................................................................... a carefree man Mrrrrh, ................................................................................a woman with a shady past Nascarfreak123, ..............................................a brash father with dreams of equality Penultima, ...........................................................................................a selfless loyalist Pesez, ...............................................a swell fellow who is totally not plotting anything Pollardin, ..............................................................................a skeptical but brave man qngff, ......................................................................................a true friend to the crown ravenclawlyfe, ...................... a cheery woman (who can read, thank you very much) Savant-Bard (The Narrator), ...................................... an annoying travelling bard ShadowGhostAlex, ........................................................... a loud and fun-loving man SinisterAsparagus, ........................................................................a keen investigator SirRockwellDinkleman, ...................................................................... a connoisseur spludgiexx, ................................................................................a famous cartographer thequdoffrat, .................................................................. a witty and self-assured soul tipsyGlassQuill, ...................................................a merry fellow with good intentions Trancespire, .......................................................................... a helpful and punny soul
MUSICAL NUMBERS ACT ONE Intro (Long May She Reign)............................................................................................x The Bard’s Quest.............................................................................................................x A Fair Night.....................................................................................................................x (Welcome to) Politics......................................................................................................x An Underling’s Vow.........................................................................................................x The Art of the Charts.......................................................................................................x Royal Council / The Courting Song................................................................................x The Mother......................................................................................................................x Execution – The Ghost of Mistakes................................................................................x Elbowsss’ Potatoesss.......................................................................................................x A Dark Ritual...................................................................................................................x Dirge Medley...................................................................................................................x ChefJones’ Trial...............................................................................................................x Mrrrrh the Saboteur........................................................................................................x A Day in the Life (of a King)............................................................................................x The Ice Pamphlet.............................................................................................................x Revelations / Vampire Rave............................................................................................x Battle: Mathy16 v Savant-Bard.......................................................................................x Capitol News....................................................................................................................x
ACT TWO Revolution........................................................................................................................x A New Era........................................................................................................................x Treason of State...............................................................................................................x (M********ing) Game Matrix..........................................................................................x Battle: Bubasaurus v Lonely_Enigma.............................................................................x Betrayed...........................................................................................................................x Fall of a Queen.................................................................................................................x Fallout..............................................................................................................................x Lure of Adventure............................................................................................................x Court Where It Happens.................................................................................................x Scotland Strikes Back......................................................................................................x Long Live the Queen........................................................................................................x Epilogue...........................................................................................................................x
The Hogwarts Werewolves, November game. Theme: 16th century royal politics.
hree Queens. Three countries. Three religions. 70 suspicious souls. The people of the town are separated by their country, religion and status. Only the royal court and the four independent witch covens know the people in their own circle. Everything else is shrouded in mystery. Your ordinary peasant has no idea who is friend and who is foe. The Queens all hate each other, but don’t know how to find their enemies. And in the midst of it all, four covens of Heretic Witches, supported by Pagan peasants, seek to end the Queens’ reign. Everyone’s survival is at stake, and they can’t know who to trust… and to what extent. Welcome to Werewolves. Come for the beheadings, stay for the spontaneous combustion!
Long May She Reign Narrator: Welcome, friends, to a realm of lies I shan’t overwhelm, but let me summarize A tale of queens and scenes and spies Their eyes on the prize, a new sunrise In the vague year of 1559 Three monarchs benign decided to shine Three queens esteemed came to convene And as was foreseen; no love lost between From Scotland there was the young Queen Mary Fair as a fairy and three times as scary She was ever refined and undoubtedly kind But in a bind, you’d find a mastermind Then there was Catherine de Medici The patient heroine, never was she gimmicky Like a dance, she brought France a new renaissance Chastised men with a glance, ever ready to advance Of England’s brand was the grand Queen Elizabeth She would stand amidst death and proudly raise a bet She could coerce as easily as she could be fierce Never averse to put fears into her peers The queens and their courts would soon come to blows But for the time being, their escorts succumb into shadows A game of dominoes, disposing of the traitorous When words turn to swords, the board turns dangerous When no one knows who to oppose Whom to propose and when to impose It shows, in a game of thrones anything goes And when you are exposed, you will be deposed So, on we browse and compose our flows I suppose that’s all we can do for repose They must attain the largest domain For that, they must remain mundane They will feign their names and rein the game ‘Til there is but one: long may she reign Let the game begin…
The Bard's Quest Narrator: And on his way to the vipers’ nest Was a lone bard, a bit of a pest No crest in his chest, not the best-dressed He was a man unstressed with his very own quest My part in this veiled trail Is to make sure the truth will prevail Mountains to scale, oceans to sail In order to find my holy grail I will not fail, I shan’t derail My tail will entail ev’ry detail A landless bard shall join the fray With an endlessly hard role to play Join the game and witness its chronicles And compile it all into a narrative canonical I shall to record the years of fighting Of hiding and sighting, reading and writing I’ll strive to become a trusty witness Of friendship, betrayal and forgiveness I confess, I am not the smartest And yes, I guess, I don’t work the hardest I just wish for fun with some homespun puns A sword to your neck; am I the only one? Where both fangs and tongues are sharp A voice once rang, of lute and harp Even with all my worldly woes I shall live amongst the werewolves I’m a bard who’s ready to barter: I’m gonna work hard and play even barder
A Fair Night Narrator: Before the storm we had a calm Like soothing balm for our qualms A Harvest Festival was hosted And all the people in the land toasted Savant-Bard: A fair! How rare! I feel excitement in the air! Let's forget our cares and play fanfares for our shared welfare! Tonight no glares, no snaring stares No impairing questions, "they're from where?" Come join me! Have a drink and we'll chill For now adjoined, let's drink 'til we're filled It’s safe to say, our time may be borrow’d So, let us toast to today and tomorrow We’ll have a good game and no hard feelings Let us all take part in this time we're stealing. 22Poun: Hi, everyone I know! Hi, everyone I don’t! Tomorrow I’ll post some thoughts as I’m wont! Nascarfreak123: I’m just here for the free food SirRockwellDinkleman: Me too! Spludgiexx: You’re now my favourite dude eauxpsifourgott: Good morrow, ladies and gentlefolk I’m not the most skilled, but I’m ready to invoke To poke any bloke when I smell smoke Verily, I’m getting the hang of this spoke Glass-Cherry: Hello everyone! Glass-Sharks: Oh, this is gonna be fun
tipsyGlassQuill: Damn, now my unique name is undone! (hic) Trancespire: I feel pretty in my floral crown Pesez: Hello, everybody, welcome to the town! capitolsara: I’m here, not queer, ready for some beer! keight07: Ah, you can surely use the word “queer” here Narrator: Music and laughter and games were heard For some, the night would end up quite blurred tipsyGlassQuill: I’m still awake, guys, I’m not struggling (hic) I think I’ll try my hand with that juggling Shadowghostalex: To say, to say, this is a most splendorous event Let us treat each other well, proper gents Narrator: No deaths, no hate, no questions asked Needless to say, it did not last We don’t know what was seen But after the festival, two of the queens Sent out their ladies, silent entities To find their marks and kill their enemies They say that some people deserted, scared Or mayhaps they just never truly cared Nevertheless, the kingdoms weakened Which would soon serve as a dangerous beacon
Welcome to Politics Company: Every day we join the fray We carefully craft what we say We sway our foes astray, a ballet As we relay away, ready to betray This is how we play Every day we don our masks Lies, deception are our tasks Precise questions must be asked So in our victory we may bask This is our masque Every day we fake our smiles Wide awake we make our climb We beguile our foes with a style All the while we run the trial Every day we drum a new conundrum That we have as our agendum Don’t waste a moment as we seize the momentum And we refer to our referendum We hide our hearts, in we blend We play our cards, as we pretend We send our acts, won’t leave loose ends As we backstab our so-called friends We might kill each other but we’re not fighting What we really feel is not what we’re writing We’re sighting slights, yet we’re not biting Our way is a lot more exciting We’re in the thick of it, making our picks Our moves are quick, our grooves are slick It’s not a picnic for any sceptics You need a sure eye to survive: Welcome to politics!
An Underling's Vow Savant-Bard: O, our radiant Queen Elizabeth Ne’er would she miss a step Ever ready to give us a bet Wouldn’t fret ‘bout dealing death Was there ever a queen more elegant Intelligent and relevant, diligent and eloquent? Ah, I confess, I seem to have digress’d I’ve come for a blessing as I address My Queen, I am still quite green I’ve seen some scenes, but what I mean Is that I’m but a peasant, which of course is pleasant So could you present the victorious weapons? I assure you, you shall become the royal Whose courts and bards are the most loyal I may be flamboyant, but I don’t do betrayals ‘Tis but my portrayal (I hail from Port Royal) I beseech, please accept my speech As my only means to reach my liege As I proclaim my profound pact: You have my words, my vow, my acts. Passer-by: Dude, you’re not in the court. Savant-Bard: Oh. Rats.
The Art of the Charts Company: This game is pretty fine, I guess But isn’t it also… a bit of a mess? We’ve got, what, like 9 separate factions? A couple of subreddits and 75 different actions? How can we make sense of all this? How can we know if something’s amiss? We need something to clear things up! We need to find where the kings sup! If we could somehow visualize the information Maybe we’d find the innate formation If only… Spludgiexx: Haha! It’s the one and only! I’ve traveled the world and seen many places But there’s nothing I love more than studying phases People from all around, coming together Trying their best to weather the weather These people skipping about, I have to laugh! Trying to read each other, trying to find the staff Let’s help the out a little, maybe by a half Step right up, good folks, cos it’s time for graphs! Every day! It’s all here, all the hearsay! Activity and places, the lows and the raises! We can check ‘em out and find All the clues left behind I work behind the scenes Hey guys, I think I found a q(Silence) Company: Um, Spludgie? Some guidance, please? (Silence) Aw man. She’s been silenced. Sheesh.
Royal Council / Courting Song The Three Royal Courts: We all have been summoned We’re the smartest, the up-and-coming We’ll advise our Queen and be her strength We’re always right at her arm’s length We will rise above our station in a hopeless situation, Keep looking for the citations in search of confirmation, For the entire game’s duration, we will maintain our formation, Checking out the weird relation in this suspicion-filled narration, For this is not any vacation but a bona fide vocation Denying the accusations don’t give in to aggravation, Don’t respond to provocation, give it a good refutation, While the game is fabrication it’s a source of inspiration, For any separation we will offer our lamentation, In midst of speculation we don’t sully reputations, The secret to our formulation is individualization, In this the great creation of our generation! Here comes our salvation:
The Three Queens: Arise, my loyal subjects My allies, you all are handpicked Now you know I usually object To treating citizens like suspects But if we truly wish to protect We need to see and detect This is not a war we started But we will face it, steel-hearted We must grieve for the departed As we strive to keep our borders guarded ‘Tis a regrettable path that we must walk But sometimes you cannot win with talk Join me, please, for we must unite If we wish to see a new sunlight My decisions may cause controversy But we can’t expect to see mercy The same fear plagues both men and kings: It’s safer to win, live and confess your sins I hoped it wouldn’t come to this But we cannot afford another miss We are not safe, we need to fight If we hope to make it another night You all know I abhor war There’s no one that hates it any more But I implore, this can’t go ignored I swore I’d make them answer for Their crimes Restless times False smiles Mournful hymns
The Mother The Narrator: The first days were of confusion and toil When people recoiled and spoke of turmoil Didn’t trust each other, no consensus was found Yet one must be crowned, so violence was bound People started dying with no end in sight In this fight, sleight was the true might People were dying Scared eyes, scrying Somewhere you could hear somebody crying Somewhere in the dark, eyes were spying Somewhere deep in the wilds, or so they say A forgotten goddess was waiting for her day… She was once a being of love, revered But now her wrath was a terror to be feared Nobody knew where she dwell’d She controlled her flock with might and spells A royal servant was the first to be slaughter’d Turning to ash while winds carried a laughter She couldn’t abide religions of another They all would feel the rage of The Mother
Execution Ghost of Mistakes Narrator: Restless times ravaged the lands The people felt their life was out of their hands The Queens’ wrath was quick and deadly They were eager to pick their targets fickly So the commoners raised their voices, And demanded that they’d have choices A choice in who it’d be who winds up dead Who the people would choose to behead They didn’t know their foes, but then again It was easy to blame a man of shenanigans Though this Alex was innocent, his death was imminent He had no defendants and he didn’t act repentant He said: ShadowGhostAlex: I don’t know if I’m offended or proud By the fact that I’ve lived so fast and so loud Narrator: He said: ShadowGhostAlex: Only my second game, yet they all knew my name You can keep all your blame, for I am not ashamed Narrator: He said ShadowGhostAlex: I had fun, even with everything at stake Now I shall become the ghost of your mistakes Company: He’s dead…
Elbowsss' Potatoesss Elbowsss: Now come on, people, we gotta fix this mess Gotta address the real questions, you don’t wanna miss this, yes? There are very basic things that we need to assess So, everyone on me and we will yet find success This is the problem, here it goes… How do you like your potatoes? Company: What- Did she just- That kinda, uh, blows This is the legendary wild card elbowsss? What do potatoes have to – No one knows! Should we oppose- I Proposebut she seems so composed! Should we show her? -W ith tomatoes? -What? No, not those! Could it expose- Maybe it showsWell, I suppose We might as well disclose, so here it goes… This is how we like our potatoes: I like to eat them with my bare hands!I like the freshest of these landsI like them mashed – We eat them raw! I prefer them with a dash of coleslawYou speak of potatoes? You must be French!Oh, shit down, wench, there’s a benchYou put cheese and chili and sour cream on topI’d just like to eat potatoes non-stop!I’ve chew’d them ever since they grewBoil em - mash em - stick em in a stew! I’ll chop them nicely, bring out the spicesIf the price is right, I’d like some slicesI like them fertilized, nothing too basicJesus Christ Duq, why are you naked?Everything is better with a lot of cheeseYes please! I’ll have some of these!I want cheese fries and shoestring and potato bakings, Malt vinegar and more cheese, I might have cravings…-
Definitely homefries and lots of ketchup! – But how does this even relate – C’mon son, catch up I want fries – Lovely fries – they always suffice – Get your fries – every size – oh yes, likewise… SinisterAsparagus & Eggplant8D: …Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! It’s Asparagus and Eggplant, raise your hands! We’re the freshest of the Veggies in the lands Lettuce tell you guys how it all began Can we win this game? - Yes ve-gan! We’re the natural choice, and everyone knows Paragus is green from his head – To ma toes! We’ll artichoke any fool who thinks it’s not cool To use cauliflower power as their fuel Elbowsss & Company: Queens will come and queens will go But we’ll always have our potatoes They grow from the ashes of volcanoes You farm them on the lows and high meadows When you make your choice, anything goes That’s why it’s good that everyone knows…. We’re not that different, if we all love potatoes!
A Dark Ritual Witches: Across the land we find our minds We see with eyes that can’t be blind When the people forget, the land reminds The call of the earth, the ties that bind Our Mother was once a goddess of love They brought her down just to rise above They pushed these false new gods our way But we will make sure they will pay The candles are lit and the symbols are drawn We have the great writs, we will never fawn Our might is not of steel, it’s spiritual We will change the land with our ritual Our Mother chooses our target We will finish what she started We hold the power over this trash Our spell will turn their world into ash Into ash…
Dirge Medley St. Elbowsss’ Fire Elbowsss: All I wanted to do was cook I practiced and read every book For a half a chance to advance And get out of this sorry manse I thought that if I could be skilled and loud I’d finally make my family proud But in the end, it looks like I was too brash All my food and dreams were turned to ash Into…
Ledge of Treason Lady MikeyMoe: I don’t understand why it came to this I was a handmaiden, I served my Miss! Now I’m on the edge, standing on a ledge Is it not too late for me to still plegde…? Narrator: Her tears weren’t seen. “I said jump” I am your Queen, and you will obey” Mikey closed her eyes, took a step, and a thump The Queen must always get her way
Trial of ChefJones Savant-Bard: I say, the Witches seem to seek disarray They carefully choose and pick off their prey But now I have a suggestion of a player Who's either gonna be a target, or a betrayer: ChefJones! A veteran player and everyone knows, he's enthusiastic and one of the pros
ChefJones: I’ve been so busy with uni and stuff That I haven’t had time enough To read the threads, I even got a strike Can’t spend as much as time as I’d like
Savant-Bard: He's always on his toes, making spreadsheets and seems quite composed Company: ChefJones… Savant-Bard: I hear on a regular basis, he's usually being killed in the earlier phases Goodness gracious, he leaves no traces He’s in each of the races and covers his bases He makes his cases in the struggles he faces He’s trading blows like Eddie Murphy is places Bedazzles and amazes, which is why he is famous and everyone knows…
Savant-Bard: Now come on Chef, you gotta stand up We know you got this all planned up Now would be a good time to spill your guts Before one of the teams decides to keep you permanently hushed
Savant-Bard: Err… that’s it? Why’re you even playing? Company: Now come on, Bard, what are you saying! Just forget that guy ChefJones There’s someone else we should throw with stones! We assure, he’s a cur, and this is no spur Now follow along, we’re lynching… Frolicking elephants: Mrrrrh?
Mrrrrh the Saboteur Mrrrrh: All of you fellows do me wrong There’s no way I’d fail to play along Twice in a row, that’s your motif? Don’t blame me when you sow your grief Company: You are the worst, Mrrrrh! We’re sure you’re up to something, you’re a known saboteur! Mrrrrh: When I transferred here I changed my name But I’ve done nothing to jeopardize the game Ah well. Headman, take off your gloves And send my regards to Frock, my lost love Frolicking_elephants: When people are frightened Their anger is heightened Sometimes our past catches up to us Sometimes it runs too fast to be shushed My Mrrrrh was the victim of confusion and fear Nobody stopped to listen and hear Excited, they were When they captured my dear “Oh, we caught a witch And no one will mourn Mrrrrh!” I suppose they’ll never see No one except… for me Narrator: Yet Frock’s pleas were ignored And soon the two were united once more...
A Day in the Life (of a King) Backbeatdream, aka King Henry IV: Waking up each morning in a sweet embrace I’m the winning black horse in ev’ry race I bring bling and swing to the entire palace wing Cos here’s the thing: It’s good to be a king! My numerous lovers keep my bed warm My amorous prowess is top-notch form I charm ladies naïve as a means to achieve Cos there’s always a better place for me to be I heard we’ve found a public enemy Would you tell the public, dear? Please, for me? A Dear: Whatever you say, m’lord Henry Henry: Phew! Now that my work here’s done I’mma stroll down the streets and have some fun What’s this? Hah! A declaration from the King? I’ll laugh at that, they’re never finding My true self, now I’m off to do sports Archery, melee? Hmm, what sorts… Ah! A joust! Sport fitting for a court! In addition to comfort, I also love to thwart Upstart hedge knights, thinking themselves tough Now watch me run them- gasp, cough What… is this feeling? What is this sight that I’m seeing? Why am I on the ground, lying? This can’t be… Am I… dyi…. (Screen blackens, Henry’s voice:) My part began when I outed a pagan And though it was brazen, I’d do it again I posted a notice and pretended to notice They said “It’s bogus, I already know this” I kept their trust, yet I was nonplussed When the woman I blamed seemed to combust Nevertheless, I suited up and went to contest Never would’ve guessed it’d be my final rest
The Ice Pamphlet Peasant named Icetoa180: I wish to fight for a worthwhile cause Learn the laws and give these royals a pause Because, if I can rally and inspire I may find some allies for these times dire I’ll write down all my thoughts into an earnest letter That I hope will change the realm for the better: “Dearest Citizens of the Three Realms We mustn’t let this challenge overwhelm While I hold no ill will to my esteemed neighbors I realize we find ourselves at the business end of a saber I regret to say, but we must not hold to hope That we’ll win this together and everything will be dope I believe that lynch trains are mad and madder For chaos, as we know, can be a ladder We must vote with our heads and so make our beds If we follow blindly instead, we will be misled Lynch mobs will lead to downfall of the kingdoms And that clashes very much with our individual wincons I do suggest we consider allying with the Pagans For I fear the war has already begun To keep it concise, I hope this will suffice Signed: Your humble servant, Ice” Narrator: Ice was found the following morning With a knife in his back, without a warning He was on his way to a tavern, to listen to the people and the lutes But a Queen had decided that he better be fatally mute Ice was a smart man who wanted to move the world along But no one even noticed when he was gone
Revelations / Vampire Rave Pesez: I have decided to come forth To reveal you, I am a Witch of the North We listen to whispers of the air And stay out of your politic affairs We know each other, but we can’t talk For fear that we might be stalk’d I stress, we are not your enemies We’ve not committed any felonies All I wish is this game to move forward And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t bring out the sword? It may be true, I answer to no King But stillMathy16: Outta my way, silly thing! Just wait till you hear the news I bring! For it’s time we wring those leather-wings! That’s right folks, we have Vampires! You heard it! Those evil bloodsuckers lurking in our empire! I assure you, the situation we face right now is quite dire! I’m part of a secret faction whose job i s to counter this affliction! It’s urgent we take immediate action, f or this is not fiction! The Witches, the pagans, they’re mere distractions! We mustn’t turn into fractions, otherwise the fiends will have the final satisfaction! Company: Whaaaat? You make a terrible case! It’s hard to listen to you with a straight face! Are you saying there are now six groups? All of them trying to stage their own coups?
Mathy16: …Yes. Company: Oh sure. Like this game already isn’t a mess. Hey now, I actually kinda like it Could I be his sidekick? Yeah no, I’m calling his bluff Mathy16: That’s hardly a proper rebuff! Company: Your story is mind-bogglingly far-fetched! Mathy16: Take heed, you should expect the unexpected! How dare you lot call me a deceiver? You can’t ever know a vampire even if you see her I always speak true, incapable of lying Mark my words, we live among the undying The foul fiends shall win if we are not brave And we will face the dark truth on the other side of the grave! Beware, your pride goes before the fall You must have been converted, you and you all! Company: Man, not one game without someone going up the wall
Battle Mathy16 vs. Savant-Bard Announcer: Dear Werewolves. Time is near to decide whether we spare this Mathy here. I don’t want to hear any jeering or smearing, just honest steering. Mathy, kick up your gear. Better give a cheer of your career. Mathy16: The one with words like spring-grown flowers, Controls the darkness' most dangerous powers. The one that spouts delicious folly, The one whose words have no insight, Their teeth like stems of olden holly, They are a creature of the night. They lurk and hunt and feast on fright, We all should learn to fear their bite. The Queen of Egypt, she lurks too, She'll spice his wine with something true. Tomorrow when the sun's light shines, The unbelievers on their way, They'll find his coffin in the mines, And they will know to their dismay. Announcer: Oh-ho, here’s a poet unafraid to show it! Now it’s the turn for his opponent. He’s our resident Bard, and you know it Savant-Bard: For him who speaks of cower'd devour Sours our willpower by the hour Your truths are brittle, like bones of swallows You preach of fear while howling at the moon Small wonder, then, when your words ring hollow Much like fear, so are lies like to consume I see no light from your way, merely plight No recite can fight a lack of foresight The people of this town deserve solace So alas, I must wallop your malice Feel free to come at me, I’m not touchy Yet when you challenge me, best be wary I’ll switch my style with a smile, just watch me I’ll go Mozart on your Salieri. *Mathy16’s verse written solely by Mathy16 himself
Capitol News Capitolsara: Wow. Things have been so crazy and hectic With our sub and players being so eclectic So I went through and organized To get all that spam thoroughly analyzed It’s the News of the Day! It has everything people do and say Get yours, join the fray! Together we will find a way We’ve lost eleven players to lynches and shadows That includes Poun, Mikey, Ice and elbowsss We had a huge revelation from our favourite Pesez But mid-conversation we tore Mathy to pieces People are claiming pagans left and right And Mathy started raving on about vampire bites K9 did try to align a wagon to locate royal teammates But she was countered with a statement that then the royals would just dominate Trancespire spoke against focusing on heretics Since there’s not a faction that this action would actually really benefit There’s talk of pagan alliance, but some say that’s full of it At least nobody is throwing a fit! It’s the News of the Day! It helps to keep you in the play Devoid of clichés! Join us and we will meet a brand new day
THIS MARKS THE GLORIOUS END OF
Revolution Nascarfreak 123: (Phew, okay. Breathe. I gotta show them what lies beneath.) Now doing this makes me real nervous But I feel the realm needs my ideal service I’m revealing now, or the queens will win I will speak my mind before they go “kill him!” I’m an Eastern Witch and I call on you all Or the queens’ feasting will be how we fall We must rise up and fight these royal sirens It’s better to die in action than in silence! There’s only one true way of resolution: So I’m calling on all pagans and peasants for a revolution! I ask you what have the Queens ever done for us? We’ve been hunted, scorned and treated like pus Under their false smiles and bloody riches These so-called Queens are the true witches! Join the revolution! We need every man! Rise for retribution and I’ll reveal thy plan! They silence and force us watch our friends’ fall But I call on you all so we’ll make it a fair brawl! We all must reveal! It’s the only way Reject their ideals! Don’t listen to what they say We will bounce back and send them a denounce And tomorrow they’ll announce how we trounced k9moonmoon: Yeah papa, let’s do magic together! We must unite the pagans and leave the world for the better! First we must have the situation reversed Cause a burst in talking, ‘cause silence is the WORST Now then, there are plenty of people with anti-pagan comments It’s important that we warrant these respondents for involvement Didn’t you guys ever go to a 90’s high school? Being a pagan has always been cool Narrator: That’s when began an anti-pagan hunt With Nascar and his daughter K9 at the front They were rather blunt in their rush to confront And suddenly being anti-witch was an affront.
A New Era Narrator: And thus ended the great stalemate When the Witch Pesez first opened the floodgates After the first revelation swooped the nation There came a galore of confirmations and formations SinisterAsparagus: Well dang. This might be dumb to do now But everyone’s revealing, why not me? Anyhow I can confirm secret roles for I am one I probably should have told this when we begun My role is the Burgher, and I steal items No need to be frightened when you can just hide ‘em My goal is basically just surviving But so far I haven’t exactly been thriving… Narrator: Whilst both royals and pagans were falling like flies New life was breath'd to the franchise of lies As discussions started, boomed and flooded the realm Indeed, for some it even overwhelm’d The people took arms and began organizing But for what? Against the royals or the pagan uprising? The Kingdoms realized the situation was dire Now all the courts had felt their enemies' ire Their efforts to conspire suddenly expire'd When a Queen Mother was consumed by hellfire And every day, the Revolution held more sway People of all nations joining the fray With the Pagans and peasants cheering for revolution There came a hurricane of contribution and prosecution Soon the royal courts were forced to play ball And tried collaborating to ensure the other kingdoms' fall Yet soon would come the time for the Courts' counterattack Whose head will they lack when the smoke blows back?
Treason of State Narrator: Months went by and the rains wept, pouring As the three kingdoms just kept warring With the Scots and Brits turning on France Yearning to seize their well-earned chance Yet neither did they escape unscathed For the young Queen Mary would soon be betrayed. In their boldest, most daring move yet The Revolutionaries demonstrated their true threat One of their cadets held their strongest asset: The power to reset the mindset of their target. After a while of playing a wild roulette The Pagans converted a Scottish vet A strategic stroke the world would not soon forget Creating an upset and upending the set bubasaurus: Sub, I have big news for you It may sound dubious, but it’s all true The Pagans are hiding a conversion role Last night I was visited, coerced and enrolled With my new affiliation came a new win condition Yet despite my new mission I still have a position In the Scottish court where I’ve been consulting a Scottish Queen, whose name is Penultima! To my teammates: I’m
sorry, this probably devastates Even infuriates, I might seem pretty degenerate But I had to calculate when I was forced to cooperate So this is my decision, as cruel as it may seem I’m doing this all for the sake of my team Penultima, Queen of Scotland: Spare me your false regret Don’t play a victim that didn’t beget Unnecessary losses to us, when we were already Negotiating with the Pagans, proceeding steady We had an agreement that you willingly broke Now our plan to benefit both parties goes up in smoke The French and English will be coming for us now All thanks to seeds of misdeeds you chose to sow
bubasaurus: I asked the court what it thought about About the situation that I hadn’t brought around They remained silent, which marked dissent I stand by with my decision, and all its ends I’m not playing a victim, I’m playing my role I did what was best for my team’s goal Penultima: You destroyed our promise and cherry-pick the contents just to justify your selfish performance Bubasaurus: I will not respond to any more of these comments
(M*********ing) Game Matrix DefinitelyNot22Poun: Oh my god. Holy shit. Wow. It’s turned into a complex game of powwow! At first I was like, “what the hell, who’s winning?” So many roles and polls that my head was spinning! At first, I thought it was just a charade of chatting and devices But now I see a complex parade of backstabbing and alliances! How do you value a deal? How do you appeal and conceal? How do you predict outside parties Their hostile armies demanding martyrs? How do you navigate through the debate tricks? We’re gonna need… A Muggleloving Game Matrix! It actually sucks to be a witch Because I could totally hold a pitch Find the reasons with which We could see if there’s a hidden snitch An enrichened game of politics I’ve got an itch to bait and switch! England and France both have options To take different, risky actions Should they attack a queen of hold their blade? How do they find the best way to that should be played? To maximize the usage of abilities We need to know the hostile’s liabilities
There is no common knowledge Nothing to guard you from a known edge We may fight for honor or for our freedom Making wrongs into rights and right decisions for wrong reasons Calculate the accusations Guesstimate the population In the nation, contemplation Aspiration for devastation Perceived standing in supremacy: Vying for the top totem pole, desperately All the countries should try to underplay their power Until the situation arises, waiting for their hour You calculate for ev’ry odd Find the frauds and lead the lynch squad But no matter how you observe the chessboard You gotta risk some for a reward Let’s hope the basic sticks With our insane Game Matrix!
A game of dice Where the loser dies A paradise for Slice and dice!
Battle Bubasaurus vs. Lonely_enigma Bubasaurus: Last night I revealed late, so Scots couldn’t get far I’ve been in their circle, I know who they are I hoped they wouldn’t have time to retaliate Which turned out to be true, though I’ll accept my fate As now my wincon is for all the queens be dead I urge you all: take Penultima’s head! I’m now joining the Pagans against the queens I’m severing my ties and switching my scene But I’m still not going to out the Scottish court Since we know their queen, no need for such resorts To my Scottish brothers, I’m sorry for such an act of distrust I hope you forgive me, for I’m serving my team’s best interests lonely_enigma: Hmm. I don’t think I believe you on the conversion part It’s way too strong, you could just tear Scotland apart If that power falls into the wrong hands, it’s a guaranteed loss And you’re outing the same queen who was about to reveal? That’s a toss I think you’re lying to save face,
cos Pen would die anyway I’m not sure why, but you might be up to some horseplay Maybe you’re nothing but some jealous nobility Trying to move up, inherit the Queen’s ability?Or maybe you’re throwing us a useless name So as to support your new pagan claim? I’m interested to hear what your alliances might entail If they’re gonna assail anyway, it’s not to avail Bubasaurus: I know, I also thought it was too strong But I asked and the gods didn’t prove it wrong Here we are: my goal now is dead queens That is why I’m here, trying to convene To convince you that since I’m here, it’s no ruse I wish to forge the Scots and Pagans a truce lonely_enigma: How would you go about sending messages? Send your passages to a Witchy specimen? They’re not gonna come forward while the queens are alive
They can hardly thrive if they fail to survive Here’s my case: I don’t think the Witches should go for the kill They’ve lost too much, they can’t afford any more downhill I want to win, so I won’t let my faction lose their power Honestly this seems like a trap to have us pushing up flowers bubasaurus: Penultima’s already a target, we have to be decisive On both sides there has to be sacrificeslonely_enigma: You’re asking us to give our sole strength for your plan If we’re helpless what will stop us from being hunted down to man? bubasaurus: And you expect us to accept the loss of a Queen and subject And cooperate still? That won’t happen, I object lonely_enigma: You’re asking us to give the only power that we have in compliance. bubasaurus: If you back down, it’ll be the pagans breaking our alliance.
lonely_enigma: I’m sorry that you’re stuck in this kind of position But you took it on yourself when you rushed into your mission. You can’t break an alliance that doesn’t exist
but you bargain too hard The pagans don’t need a guard who won’t walk an extra yard We should have an ally willing to entice us Not someone who just extorts and tries to tie us
We’ll need the numbers to be willing to help you I’m insistent because I’m trying to keep both teams happy I won’t build our teams a gilded cage to get trapped in The Witches’ time is finite, whether they kill now or not
And you won’t create one if you continue to insist
bubasaurus: This will be seen from Scotland as a declaration of war They won’t be willing to work with you anymore
They need a strong ally if they want to have a shot
bubasaurus: I’m a pagan. What I’m doing is try to facilitate An alliance, it’s in our mutual benefit to cooperate. lonely_enigma: You’re a pagan now, but not always, and it shows The pagans aren’t meant for deals as everyone knows You revealed yourself and jumped ships the moment you wanted But you’ve never been alone in the woods, scared and hunted You rushed to play your cards,
lonely_enigma: How is it a declaration when it’d cause our stagnation? Killing Pen isn’t in our interests no matter your standing oration bubasaurus: The Pagans don’t need to win with their numbers You just have to get all the queens six feet under Killing Pen now helps Scotland too
lonely_enigma: What about if the Witches don’t have a fourth of fifth? What if they ever were three to begin with? bubasaurus: If the Witches die out, that would really suck But that is why an alliance needs to be struck lonely_enigma: So the prize of your help is the West Witches’ suicide? That is the prize we must pay to have Scotland on our side?
bubasaurus: Again, if you refuse, that will mean war The only way to continue is to do what we ask for Kill Penultima, and everyone wins You’ll have an alliance with our strength and our king lonely_enigma: That’s a huge misinterpretation of what the Witches might do You don’t think like a pagan, you don’t see askew Not killing Pen now is nothing but selfpreservation And going to war with us would cause nothing but devastation bubasaurus: Killing Pen is the absolute proof of fellowship. If you don’t show good faith, a West Witch’s name might slip If you don’t comply, then our king will die And while you may not care, Scotland needs the numbers to thrive The West Witches are in danger of dying regardless And you still have England and France to suppress If you secure an alliance now, we’ll use our kills in your best interest But for that you need to take a risk on our behest We have demonstrated our faith in you first You should work with who trusted you when you were still called the worst lonely_enigma: This a message from a pagan peasant: You ask too much, no
matter how incessant Losing our last card is too high a risk to participate As Pen is outed, your neighbors would be stupid not to take the bait It’s more about trusting you or not For I don’t think you’ll live to out another Scot Pesez: Good god, it’s like negotiating with terrorists. You court is in chaos and have conflicts of interests You expect witches to do what you want, when you want, with little to gain But don’t even listen to any arguments for or against? You’ve done nothing but argue since your cover was blown And you give us little more than the fractures you’ve shown Your Scotland is little more than a cacophony of noises But we shall see what the Witches’ choice is
Betrayed Narrator: The negotiations lasted from dawn till dusk Yet the hopes of alliance soon withered to a husk Neither Scots nor Pagans agreed to yield They both clung to powers they still could wield The Pagans ignored the Scots’ demand; Penultima did not die by their hand Furious, the Scots broke all contact Retracted the pact, announced an attack They flipped the table and slammed the door The budding alliance was no more An eerie silence replaced the norm A quiet rumbling before a storm As people wondered, what comes next There were some who were especially vexed Penultima The Witches, it seems, have said their say Then we shall proceed as we declared yesterday So before I embrace my imminent transcendence I vow, Scotland will claim it’s due vengeance
Penultima: This may well be my last phase alive But that’s better than live in a lie Scotland will continue to chase and race Someone will pick up the pace in my place Lonely_enigma: It was wise to kill a lady in Pen’s stead Penultima: Scotland won’t yield, it will not relent Lonely_enigma: That was a rash and aggressive phase on your part Have fun hunting blindly instead of playing smart Penultima: The Witches abandoned us when their hand stayed Lonely_enigma: Scotland left us with nothing because they felt afraid Penultima & Lonely_enigma: We were betrayed…
Lonely_enigma: The Witches made the best decision It’d be foolish to lose their best provision For a useless alliance That took everything as defiance If it didn’t go their way If we didn’t do as they say
Fall of a Queen Penultima, Last Queen of Scotland: I was a Lady when it all began Serving my lady as best as I can She came back from the Fair, a changed woman She was now something else, inhuman Our beloved Queen betrayed us all She tried driving her s ubjects down the castle walls We rose up and rebelled, chose to march And when it was over, they proposed to put me in charge
They’ll get ahead of me in the morning Before the night is done They shall behead me in the morning And I’ll never see the sun
I became a Queen of little experience But I vowed I’d carry my part with resilience I wouldn’t hesitate to give my life for our land Even if it was by the Heretics’ hand We negotiated for months, reaching a truce
My servants and enemies waiting in the hall It’s furnished for splendor, awaiting my fall Some beg for forgiveness, as if they need it I forfeited my life when I chose to lead them I can feel how the rage and sorrow bubbles But I trust this will mark the end of my troubles
When we were betrayed by a treacherous ruse One of our own, a woman I thought I could trust Sold us out and left, leaving us in disgust The Pagans began demanding more than we could give They didn’t care enough to allow our King to live Instead they held back their forces, minimized their losses Breaking out deal and their hollow promises The smallfolk rose up, demanding for blood No sense in trying to hold back this flood They broke in and captured me, led me to the cells And I knew full well that this all foretells
Only a few hours more before they take me down At least they permitted me to wear my gown Not an hour of sleep, I spent the night praying Weighing my sins and awaiting my slaying
They blindfold my eyes and have me kneel Funny, so this is what humility truly feels I lay my weary head to rest at my life’s last minute Into thy hands, O Lord, I commend my spirit
Fallout Narrator: A ghostly quiet nigh drowned the town As the last Queen of Scotland laid down her crown Only less than half of the people now remained Most would never feel pain again K9, Capitol, Penultima and even Pesez Had all moved on, leaving but pieces And when Buba and Nascar seemed to retire There was no fire left to inspire People wandered around, scared, unsure They wondered aloud, didn’t dare to ensure The courts secluded themselves, leading to delusion As the game regressed back to confusion Nascarfreak123: When I started the revolution, I didn’t have a plan All I wanted was to do everything that I can But the results have been all over the place Which is why I’m calling it for this phase And I’m going to be quieter for the rest of the game So we will not repeat the same sad mistake The revolution must not turn on its own children The dream that pilgrims have been building
Glass-Sharks: I’m surprised Pen was lynched rather than killed Scotland should be thrilled, now they can rebuilt But I’m not sure why, I’m not caught up this morning Lonely_enigma: Scotland seems to be stuck in its mourning DrippingAlchemy If the Scots keep coming after us, that’d be super pettyThe negotiations were messy like mom’s spaghetti They came in hot with demands and threats, being catty And when we didn’t play into their hand, they got all upsetti I don’t even care what they say Narrator: …Dripping was found dead the very next day theduqoffrat: I think all courts have a spy in their midst K9 was adamant in having pesez assist I’m in the court, but there’s not much I can share Savant-Bard: I’m beginning to fear the courts don’t really care lonely_enigma: Who should we be looking to behead?
Maybe target the quiet ones to get ahead? Sinister_Asparagus: I’m leaning for those who are in the background Not commenting but still not getting kicked out any round MisterZMA: Lol, you can lynch me if you want I’m just a peasant, nonchalant FickleDuchess: I was thinking we could lynch BardtotheBone I hardly ever see them in the zone BardtotheBone: That’s just because I’ve no idea how to play If you check my history, every game is the same way I’m just a peasant, there’s not much I can do I can’t kill or plan, I haven’t got a clue FickleDuchess: That’s fair. I won’t vote for you in this phase ravenclawlyfe: I’m sure all the peasants are in the same place findthesky: So who should we vote? Was there something I missed? Pollardin: I’d go with someone from K9’s list
Narrator: In a somewhat ironic twist Pollardin was the next who ceased to exist
for their courts’ guidance Their only answer was an alarming silence
fairuzabalked: What about the supposed events? Were they already spent or completely prevent’d? tipsyGlassQuill: They might have happened, yet we don’t know! FickleDuchess: Maybe that’s what caused the whole Buba show? qngff: Being silenced is horrible! How could you do this? Being forced to watch was like staring into the abyss I still think the pagans could work up an alliance It’s not exactly rocket science Throwing chances away would be really silly We could be friends to the crown, dilly dilly! Narrator: But the courts’ power was diminishing More and more of them went missing As years passed, seven ladies One by one were sent to Hades As the peasants cried
Lure of Adventure Narrator: But at the first light of a brand-new day Something exciting happened, or so they say As the townsfolk were still shuffling about A group of mysterious strangers came to town The Queens decided to send volunteers To steer the restless atmosphere But this event left the Bard extremely ruffled Because he was rather busy being silenced and muffled Savant-Bard: (Highly annoyed muffled complaining) HedwigMalfoy: An event! Great! Who should be sent to represent? We need mutual consent when we announce our intents theduqoffrat: How’bout one confirmed person per team? fairuzabalked: Interesting idea, so one from each regime! SinisterAsparagus: From the top of my head, how about some peasants? That’d give them something to do, which could be very pleasant Glass-sharks: Is anyone confirmed though? Seems a bit suspicious That people are a bit too eager and ambitious I’ve been burned from volunteering before Which is why I suspect all these volunteerings galore
CommanderofPanem: Here is the event everyone was waiting for! Savant-Bard: (Muffled roar) fairuzabalked: I’d be flattered to go, it’s adventure I crave! They even wrote a song about how I’m very brave! I feel like I’m meant for this, I’d be a hero of sorts I’m prepared to support my court with my efforts Qngff: A Scottish pagan, a French catholic and an English protestant? Wouldn’t that be well-rounded, competent? Savant-Bard, a bored English peasant: (Internal screaming) Narrator: But be warned: who knows what the adventure will bring Are you sure you’re pure enough to endure this thing? You may find glory that all will relish Or a story a bit more devilish
Court Where It Happens Savant-Bard: The three adventurers set out I was finally released, but not without Having heard some terrible news: My friends Trance and Fairuza have faced the blues Angry and confused, I burned for answers Which led me to stop one of those royal prancers Savant-Bard: Excuse me, my lord? A random, non-canon Lord: What is it, bard? Savant-Bard: Can I have a quick word? Lord: Well, show me your cards Savant-Bard: Are you going to meet with the royal court? Lord: Hmm, I might be. You are rather out of sorts You’re not a lady or a steward, and definitely not my escort
Lord: I concur Savant-Bard: Sir? Lord: We’re in the middle of a war, son. I don’t have time for more than top floor and some whore-fun Savant-Bard: Sir! Lord: We’re done here, monsieur. If you wanna complain, take it up to her Savant-Bard: The Queen has summoned liars and crooks to join her as they conspire (ire) The Queen is surrounded by choirs of fools as they tire to grant her ev’ry desire (ire) But no one among them seems to ask What’s happening to our envoys on their tasks There’s more to these lands than we understand I’d take it up to stands but alas, I’ve been bann’d
Lord: Oh fine, but keep it short
I’ve kept my cards too close to my chest I’ve kept my guard too tight to see best There’s more going on than the wars with our neighbors I’d prove it if I could just get through these doors
Savant-Bard: Sir! This year I’ve transferred everywhere And I think we’ve incurred something strange to occur
I’ve gotta make it into the court I’ve gotta break the impregnable fort If our land’s in danger, I have to thwart Even at the risk of falling a head short
Savant-Bard: Permission to report?
I’ve gotta be on the page where it happens I’ve gotta break this cage I’m trapped in Nothing ventured, nothing gained If you don’t do anything you will stay chained
Scotland Strikes Back Savant-Bard: Hear ye, hear ye! I have some new, unique theories About the strange deaths and conversions: I think there’s a secret role, plotting subversion Now allow me to present you my version Bubasaurus: Never mind that, hear this recursion! A Scottish royal was the third quester And he was awarded with an answer to a question We now know the Queens’ names, for a fact! So, we’d like to reestablish the ScotPagan pact One of the crones whose cover has blown Is none other than BardtotheBone If the pagans are ready to once more convene We’re willing to reveal the final queen Qngff: But you’re a pagan, why bother with the charade? Just tell us the queens, that’d be well played! There’s no need to be needlessly coy
Unless this is a ruse, like the horse of Troy Bubasaurus: You wanna be like that? I can die with my info if need be I’ve had more than enough of hostility… Narrator: Sadly, Buba’s announcement was greeted By debate that turned out to be very heated Q felt cheated and mistreated But the situation was treated by mods asking, “Be seated” BardtotheBone, Queen of France: Hey guys, it’s nice to see you I’m here to confirm that Buba speaks true Since the Pagans will soon have me out of the commission I’ve come to make a French/English proposition Let us all lynch Bubasaurus instead of me I know that I’ll die eventually It’s my last-ditch effort to protect monarchy Essentially, I ask this respectfully
Your loyal queen, Catherine ravenclawlyfe: My dear queen, it’s an honor to finally meet I bring word from the street, a real treat I’ve identified two of the opposing ladies Sneaking every night, up to something shady BardtotheBone: Cheers. You’ve been a most loyal servant If I wasn’t about to be beheaded, I’d knight you for certain ravenclawlyfe: Thank you! Ah, to be a knight… Narrator: Neither ravenclawlyfe nor her queen lived to see another night... Qngff: I got too heated last phase I shouldn’t have raised my voice with such phrases I see now: you were right, waiting was for the best It’s my fault for misinterpreting and being obsessed I thought you were intentionally
feeding us lies And for that, Buba, I’d like to sincerely apologize The Pagans would be delighted to work with Scotland! Bubasaurus: I really appreciate you for taking this stand I too got heated in response I deeply respect that you’d show remorse I’ve had some bad exchanges in this game But I should’ve remembered you’re not to blame What I’m trying to say, I forgive you I hope we both can live through Now, as promised: the final queen is Lucy West Witches: choose your target wisely Savant-Bard: Lucy? Wake up! England needs you! We need a leader who can see us through These terrible times, heeds us true! Please, I’m pleading you! Queen Lucy? Yohoo?
Long Live the Queen Narrator: The news of death reached quite fast Queen Elizabeth knew that she was the last She watched, helpless, as the rebels amassed And deep in her heart, she knew her time had passed Ten years it had been since this war began She never would’ve guessed it’d end with the pagans They’d grown stronger and stronger, always finding more Furious peasants and heretics who kept screaming for Royal blood, for their justice and glory: To close the book of the Queens’ story Elizabeth tried her best to run She wasted no time, she told no one Her people shunned her, her reign was done And that only proved The Mother had won Her dark power was seeping into peasants Even in exile, they could sense the queen’s presence The queen couldn’t run, it didn’t work The people came to her with torches and pitchforks Lucygirl7-16, the Last Queen: Why has it come to this? Why is this the prize my service gets? They’ve cornered me in my own home Desperate to fill the royal catacombs
The crowds are gathered below my balcony The mobs stretching as far as the eye can see Even with this breeze, I feel their rage A fierce hot hatred, that of a beast in a cage I step on the balcony to gaze upon Those who would have me lose my crown As a testament to the hate, I feel a sign Like flames dancing over my spine Wait… What is this… I… It cannot be… Is this how I… Company: Die… Narrator: And as the last queen burned atop her tower The peasants became drunk with their power They cheered and danced in celebration Ready to welcome their brand new nation SinisterAsparagus: It seems that my work here is done I knew of secret roles, for I am one But for what I am, I claimed much less I am a mystery incarnate: the Darkness My job was merely to survive And watch these mortals as they connive I’ve thrived my time, now to say goodbye I may see you yet on the other side
Epilogue Savant-Bard: …and that is the end of my story Of lies and queens and purgatory The Pagans had won, they stormed the keeps And the few royalists left endlessly weep I was one of them, well, for a time But who am I kidding? As a bard, I’m a slime I answer to a queen who is now in a casket What should I do, prop it up, make a mascot? Open casks and flasks while touring the tourneys With the late great queen like weekend at Bernie’s? The game is up, the Pagans won the race I must face the future and find my own place I’m moving on, at my own pace My presence erase’d and my fate embrace’d So here we are, this is how it ends I couldn’t help my queen or protect my friends I never even learned all of the names I was hardly a part of their games With all behind, it seems we’ve accomplished nothing I claimed to be hunting but was only bluffing Soon our towers will fall, the ruins will grow old And all I can do is ensure the story is told: I’ll tell the world of the Reign of Gold
Nick BY: BOWTIESRCOOL86 ART BY: OUIKA
s some of you may know, there is a particular blue box that tends to pop up all over the UK, particularly in England. The Scottish man who inhabits this box is a savior to the whole planet, as he has done it multiple times. Here recently this man, whose blue box is capable of time travel that is well beyond what the no longer existing Time Turners were capable of invited me along for one trip, after my quick wit saved Hogsmeade from some creatures that look like mannequins that broke out from Quality Quidditch Supplies, along with a few other stores. In this particular trip that I got to take with the Scottish man, (who by the way I found to be very good at complaining) took us to the North Pole where I met a magical being known far and wide by both, Muggle and Wizard-kind alike. He is only known to work one night a year, I am speaking of the Santa Clause. After saving, not just Santa himself, but: his wife, his reindeer, his elves and his workshop, let alone Christmas as a whole from metallic men that wanted to “perfect” him and use his gifts that he gives out to do the same to all of the children on Earth, Jolly Ol’ St. Nick agreed to be interviewed for The Quibbler. The Quibbler (TQ): Good Ol’ Santa Claus, first off thank you for taking time to conduct this interview. I know how busy you are at this time of year. Santa Claus (SC): (Jolly laugh) It 84
is no trouble young man. I owe you a great deal of gratitude. I shudder to think about what would have happened if you weren’t there. That was very clever the way that you turned all of those toys that were designed to affect those kids into, what did you say those were again? TQ: Bludgers. They are used in a sport that is played in the Wizarding world called Quidditch. They fly around and try to knock the players off their brooms. Bludgers can be quite nasty. SC: Of course. (jolly laugh) TQ: But, I have to admit that it was overall, a clever plan those things had. They just weren’t expecting a wizard to contented with. SC: That was a brilliant use of Aguamenti and Glacius Tria to literary freeze them in their tracks. TQ: Why, thank you sir.
SC: You’re welcome young man, now what is your first question? TQ: So, what are some of the different things that kids around the world leave for you? SC: Well, in some places, such as Australia and Ireland they leave alcohol out for me. Other places such as Sweden leave coffee out. The children of Denmark will leave rice pudding. In Germany, they don’t even leave snacks out, but they leave letters for me to read. In the UK, I am left mince pies, and in the United States I am typically left milk and cookies. In some places, treats such as carrots or hay are left for my reindeer. TQ: Do you have any back up reindeer, in case one of the main ones gets sick or hurt? SC: No, I don’t. However, I have a veterinarian look them over and make sure they are good to go. I
ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER keep the vet on call in case something happens, though in all of this time, it has yet to happen TQ: Touch wood, right? SC: (Jolly Laugh) right. TQ: How do you manage to deliver gifts to kids across the world? I mean, I know that not every kid celebrates Christmas, which must help, but that still seems like it is quite a feat to me. SC: Well, for starters I use the International Date Line to my advantage. I also use some magic that is similar to the Hour-Reversal Spell, that you may have learned of at Hogwarts, though I try to avoid using that if I can, as it is still very dangerous magic to use. TQ: What kind of magic do you use make the sled fly? For that matter, how do you stuff so many gifts into your bags? SC: Well, I have the sled and the bags charmed with the Feather Light Charm, and the reindeers’ food is prepped in a special way to give them the ability of flight. As for the bags, I have the Undetectable Extension Charm placed on them. I use different bags for different parts of the world. TQ: How do you get into Hogwarts to deliver gifts? Do you get into each common room and place them? Or do you give them to the house elves to send to the proper common rooms?
were going to ask me that. It is true that you can’t Apparate into Hogwarts Castle. However, I come in from the top of one of the towers and I proceeded down to the dungeons to give gifts to Slytherin House, then I go to Hufflepuff’s, who tend to have some mince pies, butter beer, and a couple chocolate frogs for me waiting on the table near the tree. (I got about a dozen of each of the Founders.) From there I go to Gryffindor Tower and last but not least I go to Ravenclaw’s, as their common room is closest to where I park the sleigh. I also stop at the offices for each of the professors and drop off any gifts I have for them. TQ: What would you do if anyone ever saw you? Has that ever happened before? SC: It is very rare, but it does happen. If I had to guess, I’d say it happens about once a decade. When it does happen, I reach for my sack of magic dust. This magic dust here will make the person whose face it is blown in forget the last few minutes, making them forget they ever saw me. Additionally, my red suit makes me and anything I’m carrying look invisible on security feeds. TQ: How do you enter the homes that do not have a fireplace? I know that there are some out homes out there without them?
SC: Simple, I magically walk through the roof, and float down to the room where the family has the tree, just like I go down the chimneys. It isn’t quite the same as Apparition, as the loud pop that comes from it would be counter-intuitive. This power comes from my boots. TQ: How do you keep the Muggles from finding your workshop on satellites? SC: You know the striped pole that marks the beginning of the land? It is one of four poles that work together to put a barrier up that jams any radar signals that humans have the ability to send out. Though, I may now need to enlist help from our Scottish friend over there to improve it to keep these advanced aliens out. TQ: Well, I see that our friend wants me to wrap this up so that you can get to work. I really do appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk to me, as I am sure that the readers of The Quibbler do as well. SC: It’s no trouble young man. (Jolly Laugh) Merry Christmas. Note to American readers: “wood touch” is similar to the expression: “knock on wood”.
SC: Ah, I was wondering if you
Rysler 's Silly Songs
Miss Umbridge (Parody of “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”)
You’re a bad joke, Miss Umbridge You’re as cloying as a yolk You’re as adept as a toddler, you’re as soothing as a stroke, Miss Umbridge You’re a foul old toad who I would expect to croak You’re an eyesore, Miss Umbridge Your regime is all harried You’re as welcome as a headache (no wonder you’re unmarried), Miss Umbridge If I had to work for you, I’d dig a hole and be buried! You’re a rude one, Miss Umbridge Cuddly as a hairy bat You have all the efficiency of a lazy bureaucrat, Miss Umbridge Given a choice between the two of you I’d take an albino mole rat You’re a nightmare, Miss Umbridge Your brain’s an empty space You’re classy like a sewer, you’re as sturdy as a vase, Miss Umbridge You’re a backed-up water closet full of weird seaweed And selfish shellfish You disgust me, Miss Umbridge You’re a sticky, stinky splash You’re constructive like a forest fire, as useful as the ash, Miss Umbridge Your wardrobe is an unholy and obnoxious cluster filled with veritable maelstroms of woeful hippocampus flatulence As heinous as insaneness You’re a vile one, Miss Umbridge You’re a phony crony scam You’re as subtle as a car crash, your career is just a sham, miss Umbridge The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote, “Bloat, old, toad!”
The Sonnet: Ignorance BY WALRUSPEON
How can the world be blind to all of life Can they not see its worth and majesty Yet even here the poor with naught but strife Would torch the world for gain of ecstasy For we who value who we are the best Ignore the voice that calls us from within And kill to take and burn all of the rest Whilst we fall in the pace that we call sin For we the arms of God cast all away And think that man can rule without a guide So why did we condemn His righteous way And fell for shame and Death that is inside Though we might stow our pain within a sheath The spirit knows what cowers underneath
The Search for Magic WRITTEN BY ELDIS_
In a country far away, where mountains high and mighty lay, where giants roam and dragons fly Up in the ever-clouded sky There is where, as legend goes - Whether ‘tis true, no one knows lives the source of Magic known because that is not what we own we have a connection, that is sure but our magic isn’t as pure as this that hides itself o’er there In the depths of Ak’Ta’Knu-a’s lair Yes my children, listen now as I tell you the tale of how our Hero travelled far and wide to find where Magic took its hide
He aimed to find a cure for those In whom no magic ever flows through is journey, many he met overcame with them each threat Each danger on their path defeated each subsequent injury properly treated till they, a group of 10 arrived at Magic’s giant den Unknowing that the danger faced was only the tiniest taste Of the troubles about to come I will only describe some For the rest will make this tale unable to be published in a magazine for sale but I will tell you a heroic deed I will pen it down for you to read Our heroes found a pit of snakes
After they crossed the Lake of Lakes one of them fell down the pit guess what out other heroes did? With teamwork too stunning to describe Though I think myself a decent scribe Together our heroes fought day and night through the deepest low and highest high Till in the end, after six months of time In which their friendship became sublime they arrived at the centre’s edge finally climbed their final ledge and there found not the Magic they had sought yet their trip was not for naught for the magic they had found was the friendship that their adventure crowned.
SPORTS QUIBBLER ell now that the 2016 season has come to a thrilling finale (Congratulations to Tutshill Tornados for their victory this year!) it was only apt that we sit down to have a chat with Mr Oliver Wood, one of the most sought after keepers in the British and Irish Quidditch League. Wood helped Puddlemere United reach a respectable 4th place in the final rankings as well as being the keeper with the most saves at the end of the season.
The Quibbler- Great to see you
again Wood, congratulations again on the Keeper of the Season award! Sorry that I couldn’t be there to see you receive the award! Oliver Wood- Ahh don’t worry
about it mate! I know the busy lives you journalists lead. Where’d they send you this time? TQ- Prague, scouting out the next
European wonder kids, but that’s just between you and me! OW- Hard life for some it seems
TQ- So let’s talk Quidditch. 4th
place for Puddlemere are the end of the season, thoughts? OW- I’m happy that we hit top 5
for sure but I really do feel like we could have done better when it came down to it. We ran away with it at the start of the season but then we had the whole fiasco with the alleged ‘broom tampering’ and we ended up having to forfeit games and were docked points- something we’re all still fuming about! But yeah, in the end we have no one else to blame. Top 4 means we qualify for the European cup and we just have to come back stronger to try and do the double. TQ- But the highest saves? That
must be some consolation prize for you? OW- Oh yeah, definitely. At the
start of the season I was aiming to just get out there and see us through the match but as we progressed I really started to feel it. Every game I was out flying I felt at home in the air, more than I have since I stopped playing Quidditch at Hogwarts. I could see where the chasers were going, where they were aiming, which side, all of it! So yes,
Highest Save count of the season is definitely a win for me.
they were enjoying it, I was happy.
TQ- You mentioned it briefly there,
your time playing at Hogwarts. Do you miss playing for Gryffindor? And the team, do you miss them as well?
Quidditch again there so I’ll ask, got your eye on any potential world champions coming out of Hogwarts in the next few years? Give us a bit of an insider scoop?
OW- Oh for sure, those days were
OW- Oh come on, I come to have
the best days of my playing life. Nothing is ever going to beat the feeling of winning the Quidditch cup in my final year- talk about going out on a high! Ginny and I run in the same circles so I see Harry all the time, George and Angelina always make sure to send cards on birthdays (I really should see them more!) and I still meet up with Katie and Alicia from time to time. TQ- Well it’s always nice to see
them anyhow! Any animosity between you and Ginny in regards to her allegiance to the Harpies? OW- No of course not! Whilst I’ll
go out on the pitch and want to stop the other team into the dirt, in most cases at the end of the match I’ll happily go for a drink of Butterbeer with them; at the end if the day it’s only a game. TQ- Do you think that people for-
get that sometimes? They take the game too seriously?
OW- I think that can happen in all
areas of life, just it’s easier to spot in sports I suppose. I mean, everyone hears stories about these training camps that they have in some countries- training for 6 hours a day and then only 3 for school work! Whilst I may not have acted like it at some points, I really did care for the team’s academic wellbeing when I was Gryffindor captain. I just wanted those guys to go out there and give it their best; just so long as
TQ- So you’ve mentioned school
a little informal chat and you start trying to give my enemies vital information that they could use against me! Hahaha nah I’m just joking with you, there are definitely a few who are on the radar, not just here at Puddlemere but the other league teams. TQ- Hey you can’t tease us like that!
My readers want names Wood!
OW- Haha I don’t want to show all
our cards just yet but I’ll give you a few little hints as to who there is: a deceptively strong Slytherin girl who plays beater, a Hufflepuff boy who’s one of the quickest seekers I have ever seen, a strapping young Ravenclaw lad who can do things with a Quaffle that you wouldn’t believe and finally a young Gryffindor lass who has taken my old position as keeper and is doing a remarkable job of it! TQ- Well well, we have a lot to look
forward to. With those ideas for the future, I think it’s a good place to end. Thanks for having a chat with us mate! OW- Ahh no worries, always a
pleasure. We need to get that pub league sorted out so that we see each other more often! TQ- Of course, of course! Until
next time readers!
Next Issue we’ll be talking to ex-Gryffindor chaser Angelina Johnson about love, loss and leaving the Quidditch scene! 93
GNOME RACING 2017 REVIEW BY: ESP1125
It’s that time of year again! We started this year with twenty-seven teams and eighty one total players. Now, four teams and eleven-anda-half total players remain, and will go on to compete in the GNOME RACING CHAMPIONSHIPS! In case you haven’t been following the sport, Gnome Racing is a competition in which players toss gnomes (yes, we know it’s called racing). They are judged on a scale of 1-7, under the following categories: Distance, Speed, Style, and Damage. This year, the competition will be held right here in Devon, England; so bring your team colors, bring your dragon-hide gloves, (we had a few gnomes get loose last year and bite off a few fingers. Also, it’ll probably be cold.) and come show your support!
ENGLAND’S DEVONSHIRE DRAGONS Members: Jeremy Blishen, Lee Jordan, Harriet Turner
The Devonshire Dragons are by far the most renowned Gnome Ring team of the decade, mostly thanks to Jeremy Blishen. Jeremy has won three ‘1st Place’ awards, and seventeen ‘Highly Commended’ trophies in the past twenty years. Lee Jordan started as Blishen’s protege, but has quickly become a master- especially in the style category. He’s most famous for his signature curve-gnome throw and flaming gnomes, but those aren’t his only achievements; you may also recognize him as the host of Potterwatch and member of ‘Dumbledore’s Army’. Harriet Turner is the newest member of the team- and although she’s had a long and difficult learning curve, she finally made a name for herself last month when she broke the record for distance in Mongolia. “It’s about respect,” she claims. “If you treat them right and speak nicely to them, they really do most of the work for you.” Things certainly look good for the Dragons, but a rumor recently surfaced that could mean their doom. According to this rumor, the Dragons have been teaching their Gnomes to swear as an intimidation tactic. Many speculate that Lee Jordan is behind this, given his theatric nature. Unfortunately for the Dragons, Swearing gnomes count as fouls, ever since a man ran off the field crying in 2002. Multiple offenses could mean disqualification, so let’s keep those gnomes docile folks! 94
WA L E S ’ W E L S H WA R R I O R S Members: Gawain Reynolds, Roselyn Williams, Reese Williams The Welsh Warriors haven’t been doing so hot the past few years, but the inclusion of Gawain Reynolds has really helped turn that around- what he lacks in style, he makes up for in speed and distance. Before he was added, the Warriors were a two-member team, the two being Reese and Roselyn Williams. Although skilled as players, the two were penalized many points for their constant bickering about who was better looking, better smelling, and better at throwing gnomes- they also constantly forgot they were on the same team, and laughed at each other for scoring badly. Welsh fans are very grateful for Gawain Reynolds.
R U S S I A ’ S F AT E Z H F LY E R S Members: Anton Kozlovsky, Julia Ivanov, Lena Osokin Although the Russian team is strong, an unfortunate accident significantly lowers their chances at the championship. In an attempt to improve her style rating, Ivanov decided to try catching her gnome after tossing it by apparating to its landing site. While she did technically succeed at catching it, she was shocked to find that she had left her legs behind- in a freak splinching incident. St. Mungos claims it will be able to reattach them, but it will take several months. When asked by our Quibbler correspondent whether or not she still plans to compete, Ivanov irritatedly replied “It is gnome tossing, not gnome kicking! Do you use your legs to toss? No? Then why would I not compete?”
A R M E N I A’ S G O R I S G R I F F I N S Members: ??? Shockingly little is known about the Goris Griffins. They come to every tournament mysteriously cloaked in purple robes that go over their eyes, and refuse to give their names. Many speculate that the Griffins are actually hags, and they're too embarrassed to show their faces. One thing we know for sure about them however is that they have had record low scores in the damage category (yes, that’s a good thing); their gnomes always end up completely unscathed, and shockingly polite. If you know anything about gnomes, then you know that they are usually anything but courteous- but one of the Griffin’s gnomes actually apologized to me after biting my finger. Not that any apology was necessary- gnome saliva is immensely beneficial! 95
Is Gnome Racing In Danger? Apparently, many Witches and Wizards consider the sport of Gnome Racing inhumane. Protesters have shown up at the last few matches standing in the fields to prevent the players from continuing. This didn’t work, of course- many of them suffered head injuries from having gnomes (or rocks) thrown at them. But why exactly do they consider it inhumane? Well, we decided to interview a protester (who wishes to remain anonymous and will be referred to simply as ‘H’) to find out. Quibbler Correspondent: What is it exactly about the sport that offends you? H: Honestly, what part of it doesn’t? It’s completely cruel! Contestants toss and disorient innocent creatures for our entertainment! The only penalty for hurting them is losing a few points! Last year, someone incendio’d their gnome, just so they could get a good ‘style’ score?! It’s totally barbaric! Quibbler: I remember that! It was quite stylish, in my opinion. Like a firework! H: What is wrong with you people? Don’t you understand that those gnomes are living things? Sure, they might be pests, and they’re a bit rude, but they do have feelings and I don’t thinkQuibbler: Sorry, that’s all the time we have. Thanks for the interview. What an odd bunch those protesters are.
Weather Conditions And Rules
The Gnome Racing Championship will take place on December 27th, in Devon, England. It’s going to be a cold day with a high chance of snow, so make sure to bring a warm coat and a hat! We kindly request that no one brings their pets to the spectating area, and please please don’t ask anyone to sign them. This goes especially for jarveys- we don’t want a repeat of the 2006 incident. Betting is allowed, so bring your galleons (and bet on England!). Finally, the most important rule is to have fun! I look forward to seeing you all there.
COMING SOON 97
Magical Meals #1
elcome, we will enter a world full with of magical cooking! For our very first meal together we will make Chili Con Carne. But Chili is boring! And easy! I know how to make Chili! Can't we make something more magical? Well, you see, Chili is not boring! And while it is pretty easy, have you ever made truly magical Chili? No? See! We'll be using lots and lots of household spells, so be sure to practice them.
For 5 wizards and witches you'll need:
About 1.75lbs ground beef (Ground pork works just as well, Chili is really good at masking the taste of lower quality meat)
Chili (duh! The amount entirely depends on how hot you want it to be, and how hot your chilis are)
2 big onions (If you don't have big ones don't use engorgio, it'll water down the taste. Use three medium ones instead!)
Let's start by mincing the meat (if it's not already), slicing the onions, and tomatoes. Diffindo is our friend, depending on our familiarity with the spell we can slice the onions, tomatoes, and mince the beef simultaneously. Having hand-me-down or older knives and cooking utensils which have been taken care of well enough helps a lot. Just let them direct a bit and give in to their lead!
After lighting our stove with incendio, we can accio a big pot, or use engorgio on a smaller one and let the chopping board with the beef dump its contents into it. Let it sear for 2-3 minutes, fly the onion chopping board to the pot and add the onions and the tomato purée. Let it sear another 2-3 minutes.
While our Chili to-be is searing we can accio the other ingredients. Very well! Now we'll add the sieved tomatoes, sliced tomatoes, salt, pepper, and oregano. (This is also a perfect opportunity to practice the hovering charm. We should try to get as many ingredients as possible to add themselves to the Chili).
Start with about a teaspoon of oregano, and add more later. If we do enough cooking we can manage to get spices to add the perfect amount for out taste themselves, without having to keep an eye it it, pretty cool, huh? Adjust the temperature, so that it's almost-but-not-quite boiling.
We're almost done! We must add everything except the vinegar now, fine tune with more oregano until we're happy with the taste and let it simmer for a while. The longer the better, 2-3 hours is perfectly fine!
We should add the vinegar just before serving, stir one last time and before we tuck in here is one last tip: When making this (or other) recipes in the future, try letting your wand and cooking utensils take over a bit of the control. After a while, the harmony between them will make food we’ve made in the past almost by themselves!
1 tsp powdered cumin
2 cans of kidney beans
1 bar of dark chocolate
2 cans of corn
0.5 lbs sieved tomatoes
0.2 lbs tomato purée
6 fl.oz red wine
12 fl.oz beef tea
2 tbsp vinegar
Salt (African Sea Salt is possible for its magical properties)
Pepper (African Red Pepper works especially well)
All measurements in British units! (There's a difference between British and American fl.oz)
Editor’s Note: While there is a difference between the two units, there is only around a 4% difference. (The British fl.oz is around 28.4ml and the American fl.oz is around 29.57ml) So, it’s probably okay to ignore the difference in this case. Also, 1 pound is around 500 grams.
WARNING TO ALL STUDENTS
We here at The Quibbler have received an urgent update from one of our most trusted informants suggesting that there is a dangerous force at work in Hogwarts, right this moment! Now, Iâ€™m aware some of you may be scoffing considering the history the school has of allowing dangerous creatures, teachers and contests. These include, but are not limited to, three-headed dogs, dragons, dementors, Professor Lockhart (enough said, really!), as great as he was Professor Lupin (RIP), the somehow worse than Voldemort she-devil that was High Inquisitor Umbridge, and competitions such as the Triwizard Tournamentâ€Ś. Where was I going with this? I seem to have forgotten where I started. Oh yes! There are serious reports of a doorway appearing at random intervals on the 5th-floor hallway of the Eastern Tower, which when interacted with moves you from one place to another! Reports of destinations include; a white room of nothingness that continues for eternity (unconfirmed), a desert island, Grindylow infested waters and a forest inhabited by Wood Nymphs.
ALL STUDENTS ARE HEREBY WARNED TO AVOID THIS AREA UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. However, should you decide to ignore these warnings, do take necessary precautions and record as much information as you can!
QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES How to Make Your Own
ne town over from me, on the Saturday before Halloween, I ventured into the depths of a Comiccon. While no one from Harry Potter was in attendance, there were such guests as John Barrowman (Capt. Jack Harkness from Doctor Who and Malcolm Meryln from Arrow). I had also posted a picture of myself with a couple who were dressed as Professor Snape and Professor Trelawney. In my hands was a Hogwarts textbook, The Standard Book of Spells Grade 7. Here I am going to explain the process by which I made it. All materials were either bought at Hobby Lobby, or were already at my house. My sister did a clear coat on it for me.
* Prop book. Approx $18 (I happened to find it on sale for about half off) * Blue spray paint matte (around $4) * Silver paint pen (around $3)
* Painter’s tape (already at the house) * Clear coat paint (from my sis’ supplies) * 1 paint brush for clear coating (also from my sis’ supplies)
Optional Step 0: Super Glue The fake book I got has a false cavity within it. If you so choose you could super glue it shut. If you do, I would advise doing that first.
Step 1: Painting the book I put painter’s tape across the pages of the book, to try and keep them from turning blue. I applied a coat ,and left it outside to dry for about thirty minutes then repeated the process. Once the second coat dried, I turned the book around and did the same on the other side.
Before Painting 100
CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES QUIBBLER
Step 2: Writing the names Once this was all done, and after testing it on some sheets of printer paper, I took the paint pen and began to carefully write the book’s name, the author’s name, and the publisher’s name on the book. However, the pen at some points decided to gush the paint out on me, messing it up a little. I got the publisher’s name from the Harry Potter Wiki, and I based the way the title is on an image included below. My sister also did the straight lines above and below Goshawk’s name. I also admiringly had the paint can too close to the book when I did the spine.
Writing on cover
Writing on spine
Step 3: Clear Coating Since this was going to be handled a lot, I applied a clear coat. If this is solely going to be a decorative piece and not really touched, this step might be skippable. But, if you are going to carry it around and such, then place it under wax paper and spread the clear coat as evenly across the surface as you can. You don’t really need that much, but let it dry completely before you touch it, otherwise you will leave fingerprints in the clear coat. Once one side is coated completely and dried, flip it to another side and do the same. Ideally, it will not stick to the wax paper, so don’t worry if you have a little spill over, but I would still advise you to be careful. BY: BOWTIESRCOOL86
How to hide your Christmas presents Using a little Magic
f you are a parent or an older sibling, then you know the pain of buying the perfect gift for the little ones, but you know what's worse than that? Making sure that they don’t find out where you have hidden them. I used to hide the presents in a different, random part of the house every year, but somehow my little sister always found out where they were. I guess that’s my fault for teaching her detective skills, but I digress. My point is that it can be difficult to hide the Christmas presents, but I have learned some tricks from the wizarding world that may help you with this problem. An obvious answer would be a Fidelius Charm to keep the secret safe, though that's very complex as it attaches the secret to the soul of the “Secret Keeper”, and it is a complicated spell. A less “dark” Dark Detector could also work. Parents could put one by their hiding space so that it can detect snoopy kids. If a kid did go snooping, it would go off until a parent resets it. Another device similar to this that the parents could make can also work. Using Reducio (the shrinking charm) to shrink the presents is also another option. I suggest that the parents shrink up the presents, already wrapped, to the point that they look like decorations, then place them on the top of Christmas tree to, again, be confused
for decorations and just to make sure that the children can’t reach them. Parents with easy access could keep the presents at Gringotts, as you may already know, because Gringotts is the safest place in the wizarding world. The thing that I suggest the most is a Transfiguration trick. Parents can change the appearance of the presents. I suggest changing it to that of a tree trunk, so that when the children open them up before Christmas, the only thing that they would find is plain old wood. Tell the children that if they open their presents before Christmas, their presents would turn into wood. Yes, this is a scare tactic, but it's an effective scare tactic given the circumstances. As always, parents can Untransfigure the presents, changing them back to their original form. I have given you all the tricks that I know. They may work for you, they may not. Maybe you will try all of them and more, but the children will still find them because they have super detective skills. If that were to happen, let's just hope that they get the gift that they wanted, because believe me, that’s a whole different problem.
DARK ARTS QUIBBLER
OBSCURUSES & DEMENTORS COULD THEY BE EVOLUTIONARILY RELATED?
or those of us blessed to have grown up in loving wizarding communities, it seems unfathomable that someone could be persecuted for their magic. It seems even more unfathomable that this persecution could happen to a child, but in some communities this was once the case. In years past these children, driven to quell their natural powers from a fear of magic and everything associated it, became obscurials - hosts to parasitic creatures called obscuruses that would wreak havoc using the powers that the obscurial had tried so hard to suppress and contain. These children, often further ostracized and persecuted following their possession due to uncontrollable and dangerous outbursts, only survived to adolescence in rare cases. To this day, none of them have been known to survive to adulthood. What happens when an obscurial continues to be pressed past their breaking
point? What happens when an obscurus, something so dark that it has already turned oneâ€™s magic in on itself that is actively exploding outward, cannot be contained? It is commonly thought that an obscurus will die if removed from its host, and that seems to have been typical, but there have been rare cases in which an obscurus has been able to be extracted from an obscurial and still have an observed form (although in all known cases removing the obscurus has resulted in the death of the obscurial child). Is it possible that the first dementors evolved from these parasitic creatures? After all, an obscurus attaches to a child who is experiencing the very same things that attract dementors - fear, despair, self hatred, and a sense of alienation. Dementors are not
well studied creatures, as very few scientists are dedicated enough to their craft to stay near creatures who suck all of the happiness out of a room. Dementors are not thought to breed, but rather to grow like a fungus. It is not currently known exactly where they come from originally or how they were first evolvedâ€Ś But would it not make sense that dementors and obscurials would be distantly related? Would it not make sense that something which seeks out despair and darkness could have evolved from something created by it? Fortunately for wizardkind but unfortunately for our scientific interests, there are not any known obscurials in the modern world for us to test any of this on. For now, it is destined to remain purely theoretical. 103
BY RYSLER ART BY: ANTHONYISJIM
DARK ARTS QUIBBLER
eports state that Inutilis Molestiam, “the bad luck potion”, is steadily becoming a true nuisance to Wizarding society. What was first thought to be a harmless wave of pranks is steadily escalating to unforeseen consequences. Inutilis Molestiam is a potion that brings about all kinds of annoying, bothersome, and inconvenient mishaps to whomever drinks it. The effects include tripping over small objects, misplacing personal possessions, forgetting to set up your alarm clock, mixing up your words and sounding stup-silly, and overall seeming to fail in just about everything you do. At first, the potion was only seen as an amusing inconvenience, but now more serious accidents have started to occur. They include an accidental breach of the Secrecy accord, a minor explosion in an alchemy store, and a high-ranking employee of the Ministry going missing for several days. Inutilis Molestiam was accidentally created by Jack Cooper, an infamous inventor, tinkerer, and jack-of-notrades, in what was a historically unsuccessful attempt to brew Felix Felicis, the good luck potion.
The aurors were literally tripping over themselves to apprehend him. Mr. Cooper now runs a very successful and elusive shop that provides Inutilis Molestiam to both hapless and mischievous civilians. The Ministry is currently looking to counter the effects of the potion and shut down its production. Mr. Cooper and his inconvenience store remain at large. The usage of potion has spread as far as the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The staff of Hogwarts is reportedly trying to find ways to ascertain whether all the students blaming the potion for their recent failures have actually drunk it. “I studied all week for this test, but somebody slipped me the Inutilis, I swear!” claimed an anonymous student after failing Divination (for the third time).
“Funny though, creating a potion of bad luck (due to unfortunate circumstances completely unrelated to me) proved to be quite a fortuitous turn!” commented Mr. Cooper, very shortly before throwing said potion at aurors and evading capture.
QUIBBLER FASHION ELDIS_ WRITES
How historic legends lead to fashion We all know ‘Maarten’s Wonderful Wizarding Winter Wardrobe Shop’, and almost each European wizarding family owns at least a few of their cloaks. But Maarten, better known as Sint Maarten, is also known and celebrated in the muggle community of the European mainland. Each year, on the 11th of November, children take the streets with little home-made lanterns. They knock on doors and sing little songs in exchange for candy. But how did this tradition of Sint Maarten start, and why did Maarten even invent those deliciously warm cloaks to begin with? No matter how hard we try to keep our existence a secret, muggles somehow still always find out bits and pieces of our culture. One of the most famous examples of this is Merlin. Known in the wizarding community as a magnificent wizard, muggles have formed many legends around this powerful man. Sint Maarten, albeit lesser known, is another example of this phenomenon of muggles
turning our existence into a beautiful tale of heroism, generosity and kindness. Muggle legend goes that Maarten was a soldier. He was traveling with his soldiers to a big city. They were in a hurry, for if they did not arrive in time, the city gates would close, and they would have to spend the night outside, in the cold and freezing winter. When they had almost reached the city gates, a beggar approached them. He was wearing but a shirt and a torn pair of pants. He had no shoes or cloak to keep him warm in the ice-cold snow. The beggar asked the soldiers for a small gift. Maarten did not have any money on him, but he did have his gorgeous warm red cloak. However, half of
the cloak was technically owned by the Roman Empire, and without his cloak Maarten would not be allowed to enter the city. Therefore, Maarten grabbed his sword and cut his cloak in half. He gave the beggar the piece he cut off so that the man would be warm. Muggles continue the story by telling how Maarten then felt inspired to become a priest and later a bishop, performing many life-changing miracles. However, they do not know that Maarten quit his job in the army in order to do research on different types of cloaks, eventually discovering a secret weaving technique that is still used by ‘Maarten’s Winter Wardrobe’ to this day.
I sat with the current owner of the London location of ‘Maarten’s Wonderful Wizarding Winter Wardrobe’, Mr. Apac, to celebrate the 1054th anniversary of the London store. Q: Thank you for making time for us. Congratulations on the anniversary! Apac: No problem, no problem. Welcome to my humble store. Q: Well, it is not so humble. The London location is the third Maarten’s shop that opened in this world, and the first one that was not in France. Ever since, this store has never moved nor gone out of business. That is not nothing. A: You flatter me, but I have not been the owner of this store through all the hard times. Much of the honour goes to my predecessor, Mr. C. Kaol. He managed to keep the store open throughout the Wizarding War. Q: Whilst on the topic, it is now almost thirteen years after you have taken the store over from Mr. Kaol whilst he enjoys his well-deserved retirement. Let’s go back to the beginning, were you nervous when you started handling the store by yourself? A: Yes, it was quite nerve-wracking. Luckily, Koal is an amazing teacher who trained
me well, so I was prepared to run the store, if I might say so myself. And much gratitude goes to my wife, who helps me with all the financial stuff. I owe her much, she is the reason this store still exists. Q: But you make the capes and cloaks, don’t you? A: I made some of them, yes. Of course, I receive most of them from France, where the headquarters of Maarten’s is located. However, I only receive them in three basic sizes, so it is my responsibility to make sure they fit the customer. Occasionally I make some myself, and I also dabble in some designing, when the customer asks for it. Q: It is well-known that Maarten’s Winter Wardrobe sells the warmest and best breathing clothing, how do you keep up this high reputation? A: I have studied for three years in France, where I worked very closely with some of the most experienced designers and creators. After that, I went to London where I worked with Mr. Koal for ten years.
Maarten’s make sure that everyone they hire are proficient in their art. Q: Now tell us, how do you go about making such a deliciously warm cloak? A: I am sorry, I am not allowed to tell you that. Q: Well, I could try, couldn’t I? Now, I see that there is a line queuing up in your store, so I will make it quick. One last question, what trends are we going to have to look out for this winter? A: Well, dark-red is definitely becoming more and more popular, and all Ravenclaws, like myself, will be happy to hear that night-blue is making a comeback too. The new collection will be for sale starting December first, so why don’t you come by then? Q: I will surely pay you a visit in the beginning of December. Thank you again for your time. I hope for you that this winter will be cold! Any last words for our readers? A: Stay warm and have a lovely holiday season!
HOGWARTS HORROR-SCOPES Madam Starflash Sees what (mis)fortunes will befall you this season!
CAPRICORN THE THESTRAL
TAURUS THE WEREWOLF
VIRGO THE UNICORN
(DEC. 22ND — JAN. 19TH)
(APRIL 20TH — MAY 20TH)
(AUGUST 23RD — SEPT. 22ND)
A fight between your uncle and your brother at Christmas dinner will result in a visit to St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. The spell damage ward is on the fourth floor. Watch where you step; your brother’s feet will swell to the size of baby dolphins.
Be careful where you bake your cookies! Keep them far away from your cauldron; gingerbread and Pepper-Up potion have an odd reaction when mixed. You’ll find yourself chasing little gingerbread men all around the house!
When a Muggle salesman comes to your home on the Solstice seeking to sell you internets (whatever those are; my colleagues swear by them), he’s perfectly harmless. Hand him a biscuit (homemade, not magical) and send him on his way.
GEMINI THE VEELA
LIBRA THE DRAGON
(MAY 21ST — JUNE 20TH)
(SEPT. 23RD — OCT. 22ND)
You will run into an exhausted-looking witch on Diagon Alley while shopping for last-minute presents. Take the time to talk to her; you’ll find that she’s exactly the person you’re looking for.
There will be a mix-up with your Owl Order this holiday season. When you place your order with Gladrags, you’ll be given a confirmation number. The third number will be a FOUR, not a NINE. Don’t forget to buy the parcel insurance!
Letting the kids play in the magical snow is fun, but do NOT let them build an igloo in the yard. The family kneazle will get stuck inside it and you won’t be able to find her for a few days.
PISCES THE MERMAN
CANCER THE FIRECRAB
(FEB.19TH — MARCH 20TH)
(JUNE 21ST — JULY 22ND)
Watch out for nargles in the mistletoe! If you find some, be sure to send them to Divination Tower, Quibbler Castle, care of Madam Starflash. She (that is to say, I) will take good care of them for you!
Practice great caution when brewing your world-famous eggnog this year. When you loaned your neighbor the cauldron you use annually, they used it to brew the Draught of Living Death. Always remember, a clean cauldron is a happy cauldron!
Don’t be shy when brewing your Draught of Peace for the holidays. Add a sprig of holly for a festive touch! Surprisingly, that will make it taste like chocolate. It’s sure to be a big hit with the little ones, who will be much more well-behaved after you give them the potion. Tip: make their servings into freeze pops.
LEO THE SPHINX
SAGITTARIUS THE CENTAUR
(JULY 23RD — AUGUST 22ND)
(NOV. 22ND — DEC. 21ST)
Be cautious when running down High Street in Hogsmeade! Slipping on the beautiful magical ice will leave bruises the size of dragon eggs on your backside. Ironically, magical ice will be your best friend after the fall.
Your Hogwarts student coming home for the holidays may seem like a treat, but they recently visited Zonko’s Joke Shop in Hogsmeade. Don’t take your eyes off of them for a second, unless you like being bitten on the nose by your teacups.
AQUARIUS THE KELPIE (JAN. 20TH — FEB. 18TH)
ARIES THE HIPPOGRIFF (MARCH 21ST — APRIL19TH) You will find an infestation of doxies in your curtains the morning that your relatives are scheduled to come and visit. Run out quickly for several bottles of doxie spray, then make the extermination into a game for the kids! Be careful; doxies have sharp teeth.
SCORPIO THE VAMPIRE (OCT. 23RD — NOV. 21ST)
K9'S KILLER CROSSWORDS!
ACROSS 1 5 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16
Which Irish National Team member scored first in at the World Cup? What color is Shrinking Solution SUPPOSE to be? The name of the wizard walking around the Quidditch World Cup camping grounds in a muggle nightgown When Dumbledore met Mrs. Cole, he wore a velvet suite of WHAT color? Which Death Eater was Ludo Bagman charged with passing information to? When Harry, Ron and Hermione went into the kitchens at Hogwarts, what was Winky drinking? What creature, also known as a water demon, has long but brittle fingers that are easily broken? What is the name of the Quidditch foul for excess use of elbows? Which Death Eater had the task of putting an Imperius Curse upon Pius Thicknesse? What was the name of Tom Riddle Sr's girlfriend before Merope dosed him with love potions?
An _____ is the wizarding equivalent of Muggle binoculars for watching Quidditch matches. 3 What beast's hair can be woven into an invisibility cloak? 4 What country did Scotlandâ€™s International Quidditch Team lose to, before the 422nd Quidditch World Cup? 6 What brand of Handle Polish did Hermione have owl'ed to Harry for his 13th birthday? 7 What is Harry Potter's middle name? 8 What is Nicolas Flamel's wife name? 12 What was Aunt Marge drinking at the time, when Harry blew her up?
Classifieds Reach your Prospects First
LOST AND FOUND
WHO HAS SEEN LEROY?
BOOK SAVVY WIZARDS
Purple pigmypuff with pink spots. Answers to Leroy. Last seen at the Three Broomsticks. If found, please send an owl to the Hufflepuff Common Room.
HELP WANTED: Looking for a witch or wizard to help with shelving books. Must be intelligent and organized. Experience dealing with bookworms is preferred. Will pay 2 galleons and 5 sickles per hour. Send and owl to Flourish and Blotts in Diagon Alley for more information.
STINK PELLETS TO GIVE FREE: 138 boxes of stink pellets, extra-strong. Send owl to Daisy Percula if interested. (Please take them!) IT HAPPENED AGAIN LOST: One copy of The Invisible Book of Invisibility. Has been missing since April. Last seen in Hogsmeade near Zonkoâ€™s Joke Shop. Reward of 5 galleons if found. Contact Sam Liberman with any information. MISSING AN OWL? FOUND: One brown and white barn owl. Found last week in Diagon Alley, in front of Honeydukes. Hoots a lot and enjoys eating chocolate frogs, including the cards. Contact John Avefur to retrieve. VILLAINOUS MAN WANTED WANTED: Thief! Spotted lurking around Quibbler Castle. Stole a signed copy of A History of Magic, several Halloween decorations and a picture of Gilderoy Lockhart! Wanted alive. Reward will be 1000 Galleons and a free subscription to the Quibbler magazine (latter is optional). IN DIRE NEED OF TRANSFIGURATION MISSING: Misplaced my copy of "A Guide to Advanced Transfiguration" somewhere in The Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade. It has a Quidditch pitch diagram on the back cover, and my name (Praw Bracketts) on the inside front cover. Please let me know if you find it! Thank you!
CHIMNEY SWEEPS NEEDED:
ENRICH YOUR FROG CARD COLLECTION!
FOR SALE: A large collection of chocolate frog cards. Contains several rare cards, including Ptolemy, Montague Knightley, Herpo the foul, and Gunhilda of Gorsemoor. Includes a total of 179 cards. They are all in excellent condition- well, except for that one Beatrix Bloxam card that I accidentally spilled my coffee on. Price on request. Send owl to Thesaurizant Quisquiliae.
Young witch looking for housing in London. Hi! I am 19 years old and I just graduated from Hogwarts. I am starting my studies Spells and am looking for a place to live whilst studying. I am neat and willing to help clean. Please send an owl to Ravenclaw Graduate asap. Serious offers only.
We very urgently request all able and willing chimney sweeps to present themselves at the Leaky Cauldron in Diagon Alley!
BUYING: 50 grams of fluxweed, picked at full moon only. Will pay 15 galleons. Visit Borgin and Burkes for more information.
DRIVE THE MUGGLE WAY
HAT ENTHOUSIAST LOOKING FOR HATS
JOB OPPORTUNITY: Isa's Wizarding Taxi Service of London is hiring drivers! We are looking for people who know (or are willing to learn) the ins-and-outs of Muggle driving. All new hires must take a training course in Muggle traffic law and must pass the Muggle driving test WITHOUT MAGIC. Sound like an appealing challenge? Send an owl to "Isa's Wizarding Taxi Service of London" for more information!
FOR SALE CLASSIC BROOM FOR THE QUIDDITCH COLLECTOR ON SALE:One well-loved Nimbus 1980. Oak handle with silver stirrups and birch twigs. Great collector's item! Will also gift wrap. Please contact Margarita Pommet at 32 Morgan Lane LOOKING FOR LATE CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR THE KIDS? I have a new litter of seven gorgeous half-kneazles for sale. Five female, two male. All have a luxurious, golden coat and blue eyes. Priced at 30 Galleons apiece. All inquiries for purchase addressed to Louise LePlante: St. George, Ontario, Canada. SECOND HAND BROOM FOR SALE: Used Comet 260 broomstick. Flies slightly to the left, otherwise in good condition. 50 Galleons. Send an owl to Skye Blue if interested.
BUYING: Tricorn or buccaneer hats with magical properties. Will pay up to 4 Galleons depending on the quality. For more information, the Quibbler entrance office can point you to the buyer. GET YOUR CHRISTMAS TREES HERE!! FOR SALE: Christmas trees. Fraser fir, high quality. Sizes may vary. Decorations not included. Warning: may contain doxies. HAVE A NASTY SCAR? FOR SALE: I accidentally made too much scar removal potion and am selling the surplus! Fourteen Sickles for two bottles. Send an owl to "Scarred No More" for more details! CUTE TOYS AND PLUSHIES! FOR SALE: Loren Trines is selling homemade toy hippogriffs, unicorns, and other magical creatures! Drop by Loren's stall near Flourish & Blotts to find the perfect miniature companion for your young one! Prices range from 6 Sickles to 3 Galleons, 12 Sickles.
REAL ESTATE: House just outside Hogsmeade for sale. Very spacious with convenient location. Has a large yard and barn for your magical creatures. Very old and mostly in good shape. The puffskeins that have invaded the attic would make excellent pets if properly trained. Send an owl to Domicilium Real Estate if interested.
PERSONALS MISSED CONNECTIONS: We met at Flourish and Blotts in Diagon Alley. You were wearing a green sweater, dark blue jeans, and an orange and yellow striped hat. You were carrying a large pile of arithmancy books and a book on Muggle meteorology. You waved at me before I lost sight of you in the crowd. I share your interest in arithmancy and would like to discuss the role of the number 4 in predicting thunderstorms. Please meet me in Flourish and Blotts.
BUSINESS NEW SERVICE! Need to travel outside the Floo Network? Does the Knight Bus make you queasy? Do you find Muggle transportation confusing to navigate? Contact Isa's Wizarding Taxi Service of London! All drivers are trained in the perplexities of Muggle cars and traffic law. Send an owl to "Isa's Wizarding Taxi Service of London" to reserve a seat! Fares begin at 7 Sickles. OFFER: Mylers' Watches and Charmed Clocks is having a seasonal sale! Stop by our store in Diagon Alley to find the perfect timepiece at great prices! We are also taking commissions for custom family clocks! Both offers end in two weeks.
OUR SOURCES While most of our sources are strictly confidential, some of them will be shared below!
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Relive the magic of the holidays with this extremely full issue of the Quibbler! Celebrate with us and read our newest issue, filled to the...
Published on Jan 3, 2018
Relive the magic of the holidays with this extremely full issue of the Quibbler! Celebrate with us and read our newest issue, filled to the...