Boggart Discovered Lurking in Quibbler Toilet; Frightened Staff Refuse to Use Bathroom! The Quibbler is Seeking a Janitor! Must Not Fear Bodily Fluids! Explosions Throughout The Quibbler Offices Cause Editor-in-Chief to Cut Snack Funding ! What is Sparkas Hiding in Her New Shed? We've Got The Scoop! Prefects Who Gained Power: Kiwias, Head of Gryffindor, Discloses Her Humble Beginnings. Quibbler Exclusive! Mirgaine_Life's Gluten-Free Cookies Hit Shelves Everywhere! Slytherin House Panics. NO MORE BLOOD! Starflashfairy Purges Quibbler Offices. Interview With Mathy16: Find Out Why He's Banned From Transylvania! Butterbeer Removed From Quibbler Employee Lounge; Staffers Rebel! Elbowsss and Marx0r Throw Secret Slytherin-Only Party! Other Houses Cry Foul. The True Meaning of Jigglypuff: Hufflepuff Speaks Out About In-House Sorting. Sparkas Facing Inquiry: How She's Acquiring Her Creature Collection. Srslywtfdood Causes Uproar; Where He Left His Sequins This Time? Mayhem in Marx0r’s Payroll Office: Nibbles the Niffler Gets Loose AGAIN! RissaJo685 Rebels! Plots Hostile Takeover: What's She Up To Now? Hermiones_Teaspoon Declines Interview; What is the Head of Ravenclaw House Hiding? Trekkie_Becky Wears Star Wars Shirt! Star Trek Loyalty Questioned! Fandom Wars Go Public: Will Potterheads Come Out On Top?
Editor-In-Chief & Divination Dept Head
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WitchUnicorn
k s e D ’s r o t i d E e h T FROM s Note) M STARFLASH (Editor’ THE DESK OF MADA ders,
rea Dearest Quibbler-ers and
Quibbler! of the new and improved n tio edi rd thi the to me Well, we’ve done it! Welco much pe you enjoy reading it as ng on this issue and we ho rki wo e tem tim sys of r ou lot g a tin nt We spe ulations in get We had some trials and trib Detoas we enjoyed making it! nch of maddening Decoy bu a , e escaped billywigs som re ct for we du ere pro Th nt elle ed. lin stream with an exc we were able to come up t Bu . ma dra of lot a and nators, you, our readers. me barking orders team for putting up with I would like to thank my m of editors, stantly. Thanks to our tea and changing my mind con d thanks to An ne. sure the work got do new and old, for making vided us with. pro for the content you’ve all our writers and artists . me eso made this edition aw All of you together have : avoid with a few words of advice I’d like to leave everyone eat apples. er nev on your feet, and es sho r you p kee ts, jec ob pointy !
you May Fortune smile upon
Madam Starflash
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dakeirhtnanbe
eufnaheyahdneiehen
ytodpdjebaotjeo The Editors Deskq
iehendakeirhtnanto
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ytodpdjebao The Editors Deskq
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spoopy-memes Education Dept Head
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THE QUIBBLER: NO. 34847 APRIL 2017 THIS ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER WAS CREATED, WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND REVIEWED BY THE HOGWARTS STAFF AT /R/THEQUIBBLER. THIS ISSUE FEATURES ARTICLES THAT EXPOSE THE TRUTH. SELLING OVER 1,500,000 COPIES WITH OVER 29,000 DIFFERENT ISSUES, WE ARE THE WIZARDING WORLD’S ALTERNATIVE VOICE AND REASON SINCE 1989. WE THANK YOU FOR READING AND PURCHASING OUR SMALL INDEPENDENT NEWS MAGAZINE
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WELCOME TO OUR BRAND NEW ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER. BELOW IS AN OVERVIEW OF EVERYTHING YOU CAN FIND IN THIS ALL NEW EDITION OF THE QUIBBLER! WE HOPE YOU FIND THE EXPERIENCE BOTH ENLIGHTENING AND ENTERTAINING! THE BIGGEST STORIES FROM THE
FRONTPAGE:
26 Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes 42 Exploding Pumpkin Pasties 67 Golemancy
Learn all about Golems! Check inside now!
EXCLUSIVE: Interview during WWW's most important holiday!
Delicious, explosive and amazing. What else could you want? Read it now!
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BREAKING NEWS:
jfjsdjwfksfkljklwenjkfnzwdiewghiorndgknakflenifnsdnakhwroiuwehdnmd, News And Features. ................................ 08
Education. ............................................... 56
Travel....................................................... 18
Crafts, Brews, And Hobbies.................... 62
Dark Arts................................................. 19
Castles & Burrows. ................................. 69
Magical Plants And Creatures. ............. 26
Horror-Scopes......................................... 70
Divination................................................ 40
Puzzles And Games.................................. 71
Entertainment. ....................................... 42
Classifieds................................................ 77
Sports. ...................................................... 52
STAFF:
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Editor-In-Chief: Starflashfairy Managing Editors: Elbowsss, L-ily, DEP61, Rissajo685 Administration: Rissajo685, Marx0r, Dagrock, Wiksry Layout and Design: Mathy16, Csatvtftw, Thealtoid Art: witchunicorn Classifieds: L-ily Crafts, Brews, & Hobbies: infinityxero Dark Arts: spoopy-memes Divination: Starflashfairy Education: Anathea Entertainment: Marsthemush Fashion: Srslywtfdood Magical Plants & Creatures: Sparkas News & Features: theDUQofFRAT Sports: Elphabaisfae Travel: Duck_Sized_Duck Spring 2017 Contributors: Better_be_ravenclaw, Elbowsss, Eldis_ Inkgear, K1ll3rp3nny, K9centipede, Kharm22, L-ily, Marx0r, Mathias_greyjoy, Migueloliv, Pastelpurrfect, Prominis, Ryan814, Secretsquirrel_, Sirmeowmixxalot, Slurp_lord, Soswinglifeaway, Starflashfairy, Teachertish, Throwawayjust_incase, Vegangamerr, Veoviscool12, Witchunicorn
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QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES SlurpLord Reports
In a surprising turn of events, in Diagon Alley, a simple dispute between friends on whether Cauldron Cakes or Chocolate Cauldrons are better turned into a full out shouting match between dozens of people. The argument soon get very heated and it took no time for wands to be drawn. Eyewitnesses say it was the craziest thing they’d ever seen. Many people ran for their lives and narrowly avoided getting hit by curses. Although some succeeded in escaping, the majority did not. At the end of the day, many lay injured on the ground and several St. Mungos healers had to be dispatched to get it sorted out. In an interview with an anonymous Flourish and Blotts worker, he said, “It was insane! There were so many people sending spells every which way. It was just a blinding flash of color from my window, that is, until it was shattered and multiple bookcases were knocked over. It’s times like these that I’m really glad I’m not a muggle. You know how much of a pain that’d be to clean up without magic?” The battle between the two sides lasted a surprisingly long time as the majority of the participants’ allies were complete strangers to them, as were their enemies. It lasted an entire three hours until aurors showed up to mend the chaos. While a few participants were apprehended, most apparated away in time. As they’d disapparated at the arrival of the aurors, it is impossible to say who won the battle. It is very safe to assume, however, that there will be retaliation. This was the first of many battles that could last years. 8
One of the apprehended battle participants, Jensen Mackay, has yet to be tried for Endangerment of the Public and aiding in what would soon turn out to be civil unrest; as he attacked those who attacked back, his sentence may be small. Rumor has it that two groups are being formed. Sources say that the CACA (Cauldron Cakes) is being lead by none other than Dean Thomas. However, Thomas has denied this rumor and said, “No way, man. I love chocolate. If I were to join this war, I’d be on the CHOCA [Chocolate Cauldron].” This statement came as a huge surprise as many CACA members had been good friends with Thomas and said he was the best fit for a leader. Thomas could be playing double agent to get inside info on one of the teams, but it is completely unsure which side he is actually on. For CHOCA, however, it is rumored that Mackay will be claiming the role of leader once his sentence is done. The first taste of this war was very minor, but it will soon turn ugly. As the sides gather powerful witches and wizards to fight, they begin to plot out their moves to prove that their cauldron shaped treat is the best. The more planned out this war becomes, the nastier it will be. How many innocent lives will fall based on this dispute? How many will lay down their own lives to prove their point? How large will this war become? Only time will tell.
NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER
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QUIBBLER INSERT
IN MEMORIAM: A LIFE WELL LIVED By: /u/K1LL3RP3NNY
On Saturday, March 4, I, and the rest of Hufflepuff House lost a true friend. He is remembered as a bright, jovial soul, who was loyal to his friends, family, and all those he loved. You had a profound effect on us all, my dear friend. And I am so thankful to have grown up alongside you. You and your siblings have always felt like family, and now we’re just missing one very important piece. My dear readers, I must say, it is important to check in with someone, because we never know the battles someone is fighting behind a smile. So please, allow me to share with you my personal message to someone I cherished. Dan. What is there to say? I’m at a loss for words, if I’m frank. I’ve known you a long time, grew up with you through elementary and high school; and always checked in with you when we crossed paths. I’d seen you last in the lush school grounds, with your crazy hair and joyful demeanour, surrounded by your friends and whizzing about on your broomstick. If I’d known then what I know now, I would have said something. You were all smiles that day, buddy, and it’s how I’ll remember you. It’s how I’ll always remember you. Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light. Rest peacefully my friend. You are, and always shall be, the man. Jake Here at the Quibbler, when one person is affected, we are all affected. We are a family, standing together always. We would like to extend our thoughts and best wishes to Dan’s family in this, their time of need. You have our deepest sympathies. Please take a moment to bow your heads and raise your wands.
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Gringotts
NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER
Taken Over by Goblin Mafia Eldis_ Reports
From your reporter, London -
Dear readers, I write this hidden in an old attic, for I have been forced to retreat in order to be able to send you this report. Exactly six months ago, I went undercover in the Goblin Mafia to find out what exactly was happening underneath the ground in Great Britain’s most famous, and only, Wizarding Bank. It took me a while before I was trusted, however I managed to break through to the very core of the organisation. After the incident with the gillyweed and the floo powder - well, after I finish writing this article - I will probably have to fake my own death and move to a different country under a false identity. Tt is worth it, my readers, for what I am about to share with you shall surely shock you. As you probably already know - if not, underneath which rock have you been living? - Gringrotts Wizarding Bank is run mostly by goblins. They are known for their troubling history full of rebellions and protests and is unclear to me why we even let these creatures protect our hard-earned money, but that is beside the point. What is important, is that the money we deposit is used to finance an extensive underground dragon fighting ring. Yes, you heard that right, dear reader. Your money is used by goblins to bet on cruel animal abuse.
You already know me as an animal lover, so it was very hard to keep up my cover as I visited these weekly fights. I will spare you the details, for they were so gruesome I still have nightmares of them. Dragons are forced to fight till death, whilst a mob of goblins goad them and bet on which dragon will win. The money used for betting? Yes, my dear readers, that money comes from your vault. When a goblin wins, the money is returned to your vault and the goblin keeps the profit. But sadly enough, not every goblin wins. I understand your shock. Am I suggesting goblins steal from us wizards? Well, the truth is I am not only suggesting this, but I am stating this as a fact all should know. My dear readers, I will leave you at this. I hear someone coming up the stairs so I have to leave before they find me. Please, treasure the information I have given you and help put an end to this thievery and cruelty. Goodbye you all. I heard Argentina is nice this time of year. 11
QUIBBLER INSERT
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NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER
LAW ENFORCEMENT REPORTS The Head of Magical Law Enforcement noted that this season, incidents were few and far in between, however were very grave. Remember to stay ever vigilant and to treat fellow Muggles with compassion. MISUSE OF MUGGLE ARTIFACTS ◊ JAN. 1, 3:42 PM: Anonymous caller reports a suspect selling magical artifacts to unsuspecting muggles. After further investigation, suspect was apprehended for breaking the statute of secrecy in the third degree. Suspect was selling magical keys imbued with a memory charm causing the owner to immediately forget what he was doing. ◊ JAN. 5, 4:02 AM: Suspect arrested after found to be peddling doxy eggs in the muggle black market as the highly sought after “hundred year eggs” aphrodisiac. Suspect did not research muggle cultures and instead was selling “thousand year eggs.”
DEPARTMENT OF INTOXICATING SUBSTANCES ◊ JAN. 20, 7:03AM: Poor orphans’ uncle found poisoned in home with deadly redcap venom. The friendly pet redcap found to be the culprit. Orphans move in with their aunt. ◊ FEB 14, 5:08 PM: Witch apprehended after attempting to sell the classified substance: Amortentia as a muggle love potion in the city square. Luckily, no muggles felt inclined to believe what they deemed a “gimmick.”
◊ FEB 14, 6:00AM: Novelty muggle candy was accidentally swapped with the magical counterpart, Flirting Fancies. Over 20 counts of hysterical muggles who thought they were being stalked were called in before the error was fixed. All muggles were obliviated.
◊ MARCH 17, 9:16 PM: Very controlled substance, leprechaun milk is found in local pubs in the city. A mysterious stranger, most likely a magical person, offered this substance to the pubs as a promotional item at a reduced price. While, harmless to magical folk, leprechaun milk cause muggles to immediately become dangerously drunk with incredibly high levels of luck. Aurors kept a close eye on the situation throughout the night.
◊ DEC 26 4:09PM- Vengeful talking gingerbread man appears in Diagon alley. Is missing half an arm. Promptly eaten with milk.
◊ APRIL 8 6:36 PM: Unicorn blood seller apprehended after attempting to sell in the black market and is awaiting trial for possession and distribution
of Class A illegal substance. IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE ◊ FEB. 16, 5:09 PM: Young wizard tries to help drought stricken community by casting aguamenti. Unwittingly ends up flooding the community. ◊ FEB. 28 4:08 PM: Lost wand is found by a latent young witch. Upon picking up wand, creates an ice storm and a firestorm in open plaza of the city. Aurors and obliviation squad called in. ◊ MAR. 20, 8:30 AM: Muggle family out on a hike encounters improperly disposed portkey. Youngest child picks it up and is transported to sector 4, Australia. Family will be reunited soon, and obliviated. DEPARTMENT FOR THE REGULATION AND CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES ◊ MAR 5, 7:47PM: Dragon breeder home found in downtown London. Baby dragons and eggs have all been moved to temporary lodgings. Breeder is in custody for possession and distribution of illegal magical creature.
The Minister of Magic and The Head of Magical Law Enforcement would like to thank the Auror Headquarters, Wizengamot Administration Services, Hit Wizards, Investigation Department, Ministry of Magic Witch Watchers, Office for the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive Spells and Protective Objects, and all others that keep our world safe. 13
QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES
MAGICAL MARCH ELDIS WRITES:
Washington, DC, United States of America - As my gracious colleague /u/K1LL3RP3NNY already reported in our previous issue, not everyone is very excited about the newly elected president of the United States. Many muggles and wizards alike are, softly speaking, not very happy about the way President Trump talks about race, gender, sexuality and believes. In order to express this dissatisfaction almost 5 million people worldwide took to the streets on January 21th, the largest single-day demonstration in U.S history. Coming together in such big numbers always comes with a danger, which is why large groups of wizards walked with concealed wands in order to be able to jump in if something would happen.
“I know we’re not allowed to use magic with this many no-majs around,” a wizard, who prefers to stay anonymous, told us. “But it also shouldn’t be allowed for Trump to be President. I’m willing to use magic if it saves lives.” A British witch, who happened to be in Washington D.C. agrees, “It’s very important to stand up for your rights. This is a wonderful way of doing so, but with such a crowd and such a sensitive subject, protesting can be dangerous.” Luckily the protest was peaceful and no one got harmed. The only magic used was by an overly-excited wizard repairing a broken sign. He was arrested and brought in for questioning, but as no no-maj saw his actions he was let free after paying a fine. “I didn’t bring any tape and my daughter worked so hard at that sign. I just had to repair it.” People marched on all seven continents in over 670 locations. Even in Antarctica a small group of people marched with signs like “penguins for peace” and “seals for science”. Notable wizards that walked in the United States are Samuel G. Quahog, the current president of MACUSA, together with other members of his staff and the entire American Quidditch team. In England Harry Potter himself walked, together with his wife, as well as Hermione and Ron Weasley, Luna Lovegood and other members of Dumbledore’s Army.
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INSERT QUIBBLER
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QUIBBLER NEWS & FEATURES
WITCHUNICORN'S
ENCOUNTER WITH THE BILLYWIGS
In reporting, many Quibbler employees will fight tooth and nail to get to the truth, despite what many say. Some stories are on the edge of untruthfulness, it’s true, but above all we strive for the most factual reports one can get ever since 1995. We’ve seen a recent decline in articles about Crumple Horned Snorkacks and more articles about real problems such as corruption within the Ministry and secret underground House Elf fight clubs. Unfortunately, this tends to tering hole, seven poachers attract some unfortunate came at it and began stabenemies. bing the poor creature, ripping hunks of glossy scales Whilst travelling back of its side. Three others to my home country of raided its nest. Opaleye Australia to study the scales are valued for their migration of Antipodean magical properties and Opaleyes, I stumbled on something I shouldn’t have. pearly sheen (which can be fashioned into ‘dragon Australia is full of species pearls’) and their eggs can that are found nowhere be sold to unsuspecting else in the world thanks to Muggle archaeologists who the continental separation then end up fostering Opalof Asia and Australia. We eye hatchlings and burning actually happen to have down their house. several small patches of rainforests, grasslands and I may be a savage fighter but I don’t blindly charge swamps contrary to the vast, deserted outback, and into a helpless situation. beautiful parrots and vari- Opaleyes are already on ous cuddly marsupials live the small side for dragons, in these parts. This means and charging headlong smugglers tend to swipe a into a battle against seven well-armed criminals is not good deal of them. a good idea. I waited until Unsurprisingly, not only the foul deed was done and does Australia have I quickly ran over to the non-magical animals, there dying dragon to comfort a good number of magical it in its final moments, the creatures as well. Antipwater lapping at the dragodean Opaleye dragon on’s lips and turning red. eggs and hatchlings are one of the most trafficked animals, whilst Australis Cockatoos being sold as pets to rich wizard coming in at a close second.When I was sketching a beautiful Opaleye drinking at a wa-
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Seeing that the poachers had not bothered to cover up their dismal tracks, I followed the trail to a large, abandoned warehouse the size of a shipping port. Several wizards, goblins, cen-
taurs, elves and hags alike were carrying large crates of mysterious goods in and out of the warehouse.
I thanked him, and dumped the crate over in a pile. Then I opened another crate, and there were the eggs. I quickly got See, the trick to a good a Drawing Quill out to disguise is to blend in with scribble it on some parchthe crowd. I find grey clothment, before a rough hand ing to work the best, and slammed the back of my luckily I had the magical head and I passed out. skills to turn my cloak into I awoke dangling over a a drab heap. I grabbed a crate labeled ‘Billywigs’ and metal vat with a small porthole on the lid. My wand, shuffled my way into the my Drawing Quills, my warehouse. drawings and most imporThe other trick to a disguise tantly, my small journal is to trick everyone into had been swiped from my thinking you’re someone robe/trenchcoat. else, including yourself. Believe that you are a simple “WHERE IN AVALON AM I?” I merchant with a sick wife, yelled, “WHY DO YOU HAVE ME HERE DANGLING OVER and you will become that merchant. Believe that you A SUSPICIOUS METAL are a simple worker load- VAT?” ing illegal goods in and out A well-tailored of a warehouse and you wizard will become that worker. As I snuck into the warehouse, I saw a few workers gathering around a table playing a game of Uno, with money involved. “Hey,” I said nervously, “I was wondering where to put this crate? I just got assigned to this job.” The goblin grunted. “Over there with the others.”
NEWS & FEATURES QUIBBLER stepped out of the shadows like a dramatic super villain and smirked in a super-villainish way.
drew a picture of them and stupid villainish grin again, so-” and then fiddled with his cufflinks. The wizard banged his fist
After floating up into the sky and hovering several kilometres, I crashed into Sydney Harbour, and got I stopped convulsing in my rescued by several Muggle “Witchu is fine!” I shouted binds and I swore again fishermen whose fishing back, “Also speak louder it’s vehemently. The rope dangling me line had snapped thanks to really hard to focus on your “WitchUnicorn, am I snapped and I fell pluman intrepid clownfish and voice when I’m ten metres meting into the now open mistaken, which I am not his blue tang friend. After above the the ground!” because I am rarely wrong, vat, screaming in an impos- having a chat with some sibly high note. A swarm The wizard ignored me in that saying you are an Aurors, I found out that the and smiled in a super-vilartist and journalist for the of Billywigs engulfed me and began stinging into my mysterious, well-tailored lainish way and beckoned wizarding rag of a magaman was Ptolemy Shirefelt flesh. a centaur bodyguard and zine called the Quibbler?” of the Opaleye syndicate. I whispered something to I mumbled something about “OW, WHAT THE EVER LOV- went back to a motel. him in an evil way. He the Quibbler being the only ING FU-” “Well, well. If it isn’t smiled his villainous smirk option for a dual artist and I heard the wizard shoutWitchUnicorn, artist, writer at me again and said, “I do writer and how I would’ve ing at someone angrily and crime-buster extraorbelieve we have a bit of a gone somewhere else if I and I slowly began rising dinaire.” problem.” had the chance. up from the innumerable I looked at a witch in a crisp I swore and yelled back, stings I had. “You’ve also helped bust black dress lounging on “Yeah, you dolt! I’m besome large wizarding crime “Uh, was this meant to hap- the cheap motel bed in the ing suspending over a organisations whilst stay- pen?” I asked, confused. I room I had rented. strange-looking vat and it’s ing out of the spotlight and had expected Ashwinders creeping me the heck out!” letting the Aurors officially or crocodiles to be in the “If you’re gonna kill me, just do it now. Honestly, it’s The super villain laughed, handle it.” vat, not a couple million but not in the Joker-esque stinging, but mostly harm- getting aggravating. All in I spluttered and said, “I or all out, am I right?” laugh, more of a malicious don’t exactly like being less, insects. titter than cackling, and The witch’s maroon lips in the spotlight, I’m only The wizard turned angrily shook his head. a mere artist/writer/ and said, “No! Some idiot in arched in a real smile and said, “We have something “My, my, you are awfully crime-busting badass!” the loading port replaced to discuss.” persistent. I’m talking about The wizard laughed and the vat with Billywigs inthe dragon eggs, and every said, “Anyway, your stead of acid!” I slammed my fists on bit of illegal equipment we appearance within this the run-down walls and “Ah. Sorry.” have here.” cursed, “MERLIN’S PANTS warehouse has raised “Don’t be. I’ll just have to-” STOP BEING SO MYSTERII grumbled and shouted some concerns, naturally. “Do it myself? Yeah, yeah. OUS ALL THE TIME I NEED back, “OHHHHHH! Sorry! Our organisation rakes in Has anyone told you you’re TO TAKE A SHOWER SO I was just really curiseveral million Galleons per basically a cardboard HURRY UP AND TELL ME!” ous about the eggs and annum and this branch has cutout of a stereotypical I thought, ‘Well having a some profitable aspects And so she did. peep won’t hurt,’ so I took from it. If we end up getting villain, right?” a peek at the crates ‘busted’, our profits will go He shot several Killing and goodness ‘bust’ quite significantly. We Curses at me, hitting a few gracious I are proposing a deal that Billywigs instead. I quickly just love we can both benefit from.” air-swam across the warethe way house to a conve“Sorry, we? Does the deal dragon involve not getting dropped niently lit table eggs into the vat?” where a few look goblins and “Yes,” he said, amused, were “It also includes you not I playexposing our business and ing a big fat cheque of 20,000 Snap Galleons.” over my “No.” satchel. “Miss WitchUnicorn, I believe?” he said, smoothing his grey suit.
on the metal railing and shouted, “I know perfectly well of your reputation!”
“Pity,” he said in a fake, mourning voice, “I was hoping to read another of your charming articles again. DIFFINDO!”
The wizard smiled in his
It’s hard
not to take down wizarding mafias when they’re this careless.
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QUIBBLER TRAVEL
SOSWINGLIFEAWAY REVIEWS In January I had the privilege of visiting Diagon Alley, Hogsmeade, and Hogwarts at Universal Studios, Orlando. For the most part, I was blown away by the attention to detail and getting to see so many of my favorite things come to life. I was exceptionally impressed by the Gringotts Goblins. I actually had to do a double take, because I wasn’t sure if I was looking at a robot or a person in costume. That is how realistic they are. Going through the Gringotts lobby will take you to their first ride, Escape from Gringotts. This is a virtual reality simulation based ride that uses 3D videos and mobile carts to create the effect that you are riding through Gringotts with Harry, Ron, and Hermione. The rest of Diagon Alley is extremely well done. If you go, be sure to stop in Florean Fortescue's Ice-Cream Parlour for a delicious ice cream cone. I tried the chocolate and the apple crumble and they were both exceptional. Before hopping on the Hogwarts Express to Hogsmeade, stop into the Leaky Cauldron for a traditional english breakfast! When you arrive in Hogsmeade your first stop should be The Three Broomsticks where you can enjoy a cup of butterbeer (hot, cold, or frozen). I tried both the cold and frozen butterbeer and both were delicious. Be warned, they are extremely sweet! They taste a lot like cream soda, but definitely have their own unique flavor as well. In my opinion, a single cup is plenty big two or three people to share. I personally found it too sweet to finish off on my own. Hogsmeade has two roller coasters. Flight of the Hippogriff is what I would describe as a children’s roller coaster. It was extremely short and didn’t do anything too crazy or scary. Unless you have little ones, I would recommend only riding this one if the line is relatively short. Not worth a long wait. The other ride, Dragon Challenge is actually two roller coasters side-by-side. You’ll have the choice of riding either the Chinese Fireball or the Hungarian Horntail. The two roller coasters are not the same, so if you have time be sure to ride them both! Hogwarts castle, to me, was both the most anticipated experience and the biggest let down. Maybe
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I just didn’t properly research the experience. But I was expecting the “tour” of the castle to be a much more authentic experience. Instead, it was like looking at museum exhibits from a hallway. The tour is actually just the line that takes you to Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey, which is another virtual reality simulation experience. Along the line you can see different key rooms and locations from the books and movies such as Dumbledore’s office, the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, and the talking portraits. I guess what was most disappointing to me is that I wasn’t able to just walk around and explore the castle. Instead, they had “exhibits” for you to view while you waited in line for the ride. It was neat, but not what I would consider an authentic tour of the Hogwarts castle. After the attention to detail given to the rest of the shops and restaurants, I was hoping for a more genuine experience in the castle. Overall, I would absolutely recommend checking out the Wizarding World of Harry Potter if you ever get the chance. It was an awesome experience, and I hope to go back sometime.
DARK ARTS QUIBBLER
Continued from Part I: Reconstructing the Horcrux Spell
Part II: Horcrux Spell Components and their uses in
Magical Containment veoviscool12
N
ow that we have successfully isolated the verbal and wand movement components of the Horcrux creation process, we’ll pause to explore how these components can be utilized for purposes beyond their original intent. Today, we’ll be focusing on the containment component. Being separated from your wand in the middle of a duel is never a good thing. It puts you at a deadly disadvantage and, unless miraculously retrieved, almost certainly spells your doom. But what if you had an arsenal of spells that did not require a wand? Such a weapon would be priceless in tight spots or well-calculated ambushes. Thanks to our detailed analysis and reconstruction of the Horcrux incantation’s verbal components, we have the tools necessary to being formulating a theoretical spell. The first major verbal element is the containment effect itself: “Claustra”. This specific phrase is used to ensure that our container is enduring, unlike other variations which less clearly define the properties we need. The modifier “celli” is added as both a strengthening and mutative component. We do want our container to stay intact until we intend to use its contents, but we must also make sure that the magical bonds will indeed break. Remember, your choices dictate spell properties, and vagueness will invariable produce unexpected results. “Incantatio” is the finishing touch to ensure that our container accepts the spell we will trap within it, and not an errant mouse or dung beetle.
Having finished constructing our containment spell, Claustracelli Incantatio, one can now cast whatever spell they wish at the enchanted object. The spell, upon making contact, should theoretically be bound within until released again at some point in the future. How the contents are released remains up to the individual; one could simply let the spell expend its energy in all directions as the container breaks, or construct a secondary spell which focuses the magic much like a wand would, albeit with significantly weaker results. As for the type of object used, like with a Horcrux, almost anything will do. However, the design and shape should be taken into consideration when deciding how it will be used in a duel. A sphere, for example, would be more suited to non-directional magic like Fiendfyre. As a last resort and should the magic user in question possess enough skill, it should, theoretically, be possible to channel the spell through your hand. This type of spell-casting, however, has never been satisfactorily documented and will almost certainly kill you. Final Note: It is very important to emphasize that magic of this nature is enormously taxing on the witch or wizard attempting to perform it. One has to cast every single spell in the process impeccably or risk dangerous and deadly side effects. Only the most talented will even have a chance at attempting, let alone mastering, this particular branch of magic. Be warned.
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The Spells (Sadly) Unused BY: VEGANGAMERR
The terrifying curse Cruciatus Some may find superfluous. Such unforgettable pain; Much information to gain. Sure it may drive them mad, But who cares? What? You sad? It isn't unforgivable for nothing, Not for those much too loving. Then we have much too fun Imperio; Practically turning brains to guano. Makes even the most serious prance, Forcing them to do a foolish dance. Very few minds can resist the curse; Still, better than leaving in a hearse. Though, one can never really know Just how far your Master may go. Finally, beautiful Avada Kedavra; Unnoticeable, unlike Tibia Vara. This may come as a surprise: It's the most peaceful demise. Without any feeling of pain, Only quick death you shall gain. Corpse left completely unmarked: Not even a spot of infarct. Still, these beauties now go unused. Authorities were not at all amused, So forbid the greats, they did. Too bad. No more fun to be had. But if you find my poem obscene, Beware, the bright flash of green. Special thanks to Ryan814 and stripper_kitty for inspiration.
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WitchUnicorn
Zombie Outbreak 101 How to Survive ‘homo necrosis’ Honestly, the nerve of some wizards. I’m sure you all know what this is about. There’s recently been an epidemic of zombies. Quite frankly, this would’ve happened anyway. There’s an old saying within the necronomic community: “You’re not a true necromancer until you’ve ‘accidentally’ caused a miniature apocalypse.”
There have been multiple outbreaks of homo necrosis throughout history. The first recorded incident was in a small village on the border of present-day Mexico and Brazil in 1599, where Muggle conquistadors reported dead indigenous warriors seemingly rising from the dead and attacking any humans that stood in their way. Magical authorities quickly exterminated all known or suspected infected with brutal force. An estimated 20 people died from the zombie attacks, whilst an estimated 103 corpses being ‘revived’. The second major outbreak was in several regions of Scandinavia in the winter of 1703. This was largely unsuccessful in killing any Muggles or wizards because, funnily enough, cold bodies were likely to get frozen and the disease would die from the cold. It was only classified as an epidemic because of the frequent swarms of undead that popped up from time to time. The third and ‘last’ outbreak was spotted in a remote African village in Central Africa during 1901, with almost the entire village dying or ‘zombified’. The small village comprised of 42 men, 37 women and 39 children. Only one of the men, two of the women and four of the children survived, telling 22
local wizarding authorities about their tragic village’s demise. Calls for the increased banning or restriction of necromancy, and specifically raising the dead, were answered and many wizarding communities began tightly restricting these activities. Since then, necromancy has been tightly controlled and monitored. You cannot practice necromancy without a permit and a Certificate of Proper Necronomic Practices in most countries (you do not need a certificate in Greenland or Madagascar), and
DARK ARTS QUIBBLER I highly advise you follow the rules. I myself have dabbled in necromancy, with a permit and certificate of course, but I have always been left unsatisfied. It’s quite annoying when dead people keep asking you favours. The dead are also quite vengeful, and I would also advise you to avoid making any suspect deals with them. The tight regulations of necromancy have always been heavily monitored, and a significant amount of truthful ‘dead men walking’ sightings have been massively reduced. However, some idiots always manage to get hold of a Necronomicon (book of necromancy) via black market or irresponsible necromancers and summon a triangular demon, build an actual haunted house or, in this year’s first case, an entire bloody zombie apocalypse. Here’s the deal. If you’re caught in one of these areas, which is probably about, give or take, the entire planet, remember to stay calm. Wizarding authorities will likely be exterminating the zombies quite soon. In the meantime, remember to stock up on non-perishable foods like canned fruit or pickled fish, clean bottled water, medicine, and disinfectant. It’s important to disinfect yourself before entering your bunker, otherwise there is a good risk of contamination and you’ll probably be dead before you hit the ground, literally. Remember to take antibiotics or Immunity Potions before going outside to decrease the chance of catching the disease. Do not, under any circumstances, clean or brush off any dirt or blood you may trek through. Zombies are not known for their cleanliness, and will immediately recognise the scent of a clean human. You can disinfect yourself back at the bunker.
If you encounter any insects such as leeches or mosquitoes, run, or shamble, like the wind. These devils can carry the zombie plague. If you are bitten by them, don’t worry (yet). If you can find a mandrake root or bezoar lying around, you’re probably okay. If, for some reason, you cannot find 100% non-contaminated water, drink beer or other alcoholic beverages. Alcohol kills bacteria such as the zombie plague. Don’t do this whilst ploughing your van or pick-up truck through a mob of zombies. Despite everything, traffic officers still seem to magically Apparate to you, and despite everything, crashing your vehicle into a tree is still damaging to your health. Should one of your relatives/friends/stranger in the back of the van begin to display symptoms of zombification (pale skin, lowered body temperature, ugly black scabs and warts, glassy white eyes, groaning and insatiable hunger for human flesh), do not approach them. Give them Immunity Potions or antibiotics with thick gloves and other thick clothing on and pop the warts with a sharp, clean needle or pin. Also give them clean water on a regular basis. If they cannot be saved and have turned feral, shoot them in the head with a shotgun and leave them in a shaded, cool area. Do not let other people approach them to give them a hug, because they will likely bite you and kill you. And finally, DON’T GO OUTSIDE IF POSSIBLE, especially during a full/blood moon. Prevention is the best way to avoid becoming a part of the Walking Cadavers (previous article taken down for copyright infringement). Unless you are desperate or were trapped outdoors during the outbreak, do not attempt to go outside. Those losers who were at the beach when the undead crawled out of the ocean? Too bad, there’s no saving them now. I advise you, as a professional necromancer, to do all of these things to ensure you, your families, and your friends do not get infected and turn into zombies. Contact your local authorities as soon as possible to deal with the hordes. If anyone knows information about who/what caused the outbreak, contact the International Ministry of Magical Disease and Disease Control (no Floo mail please).
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RESIDENT WANDMAKER DISCUSSES
G THE ELDER WAND W
ell hello there! My name is Mathias_Greyjoy and I have the honour to be the resident Wandmaker here at the Quibbler, and the owner of Wolfwood Mill. I am merely a humble craftsman who bears a lifelong (although some would call it an obsession) desire to craft beautiful handmade magic wands for Witches and Wizards like you! Wands created by Wolfwood Mill are certified to be made of the actual wood they are listed as. No two wands are the same. Every wand is a one-of-a-kind creation that is sure to make any Witch, Wizard, or Warlock smile. They make exceptional gifts! What sets Wolfwood Mill apart from other wandmakers is that our wands have real cores! A magical substance can be found inside each of our wands. Please be aware that animals are not harmed in any way while collecting the cores.
A wand that has passed through the hands of many Dark wizards would be likely to have, at the very least, a marked affinity for the most dangerous kinds of magic. The bloody trail of the Elder Wand is splattered across the pages of Wizarding history.
that refuses to remain with any owner who is not the true superior of his or her company; it takes a remarkable Witch or Wizard to maintain ownership or control over an Elder wand for any length of time. Its unlucky reputation, steeped in fear, comes forth in Welcome back noble stuthe ancient superstition, dents of Wandlore, In this There is much to be said ‘’Wand of Elder, never issue have a special treat of this fascinating wood. prosper,’’ but in fact, these for you! I am proud to Of all the native trees of superstitions are seempresent to you my moste the British Isles, it is the ingly baseless, and those wicked and subtle friend, Elder tree which is the foolish wandmakers who with bodie of Ellhorn, who rarest Wand wood of all, refuse to work with Elder knowes ways of magick and reputed to be deeply do so more because they moste evile. 15'' inches, unlucky. In this same vein, doubt they will be able to Elderberry, Thestral tail the Druids and ancient sell their products than hair core. Celtic Wizards recognized from fear of working with that the Elder wand is this wood. The truth is A Wizard is only as good trickier to control than that only a highly unusuas his tools. And what any other. It contains al person will find their better tool is there than unmatched raw potential perfect match in an Elder the Elder wand itself? The and preeminent powerwand, and on those rare Elder Wand is one of the ful magic, and is capable occasions when such a fabled Deathly Hallows. of the greatest range of pairing occurs, I believe In "The Tale of the Three magic; however, of all that the witch or wizard in Brothers" it was the first the woods I offer it is by question is marked out for Hallow created, bestowed far the most difficult to a very special destiny. on Antioch Peverell, (sup- master. posedly by Death himself) Other old names for Elder after he requested, as his It has been said that the are Elderberry, Eldrun, prize, the most powerful Wand of Elder is simply Hyldor and Hyllantree. wand in the history of the most ruthless of In Low Saxon the name wizardkind. A fascinating wands in its nature, in was Ellhorn. An additional and mysterious story, but that it will only take into fact that I have unearthed probably just that, a story. consideration strength, during my long years of A more likely explanation and knows no loyalty study is that the owners is that Antioch Peverell except to strength. Com- of Elder wands almost was a very accomplished pletely unsentimental, it always feel a powerful Wandmaker, able to bond will only go where power affinity with those chotogether the unstable, is. This is all ambiguous sen by Rowan wands. It dangerous Thestral hair however, and the truth of is written that Ellhorn is with the unlucky and the Elder wand is that it noted to be one of the tricky to master Elder. is perhaps the only wood
only woods capable of containing the recalcitrant raw power of Thestral tail hair as its core. This wand has a real core, a single black hair from a wild horse. This truly arcane core is not easily seen. Regarded as an extremely unstable and temperamental substance. It is written that Ellhorn (an old name for Elder) is noted to be one of the only woods capable of containing the Thestral core’s recalcitrant raw power. Thestral hair creates incredibly powerful wands, perhaps the most powerful of all, though this is likely never be confirmed, as it is so difficult to work with. The Elder Wand, also known as the Deathstick and the Wand of Destiny, regarded widely to be the most powerful wand in history, contained a Thestral tail hair core. Whether this is a testament to the power of the Thestral tail hair remains ambiguous. It is closely tied to themes of death, and from what has been gathered, it suits those and only those who understand the concept of death and mortality. It could be said that Thestral wand wielders are destined to die violent deaths, though this is mere speculation.
Stay tuned loyal students of Wandlore for more lessons and sneak peeks into the work of the Master Wandmaker himself. 24
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Golemancy: Your Golem and You
QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES
Golemancy has long been, and still is to some, a mysterious, slightly strange and sometimes wrong practice. These rumors however are rather incorrect.
We here at the Department of Magi-Geology and Summoning (we are few in numbers) wish to encourage the practice and first and foremost, art that is Golemancy. Before you begin your journey into the wonderful world that is rocks and magic we feel you should have a basic grasp on the theory so as to not cause any‌ let’s say unwanted side effects.
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The theory of Golemancy is very complex and dangerous, for these reasons we wish that, rather than try to create a Golem on your own you seek out a professional Golemancer. For those interested in the basic theory who have no experience in any sort of -mancy, we shall try to explain it in as few word as possible to aid in understanding. Golemancy is the magic of infusing a material (in our case this is rock) with certain charms and spells so to create life. This may seem impossible to some, and laughable to others (necromancers), it is in fact a very delicate, doable, dangerous and delightful process. To create a Golem you must find a rock, from here you must sort it into the three categories of Sedimentary, Metamorphic or Igneous. This step is very important and I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT CONTINUE UNLESS UTTERLY CERTAIN OF THE ROCK TYPE, to insert the life source into the incorrect type will cause a rebound, taking your life in the process. Now, for the life sources you must be certain that they are pure, you cannot use anything fake, eaten, charmed or in any other way tampered with, if you do the result will not be dangerous, your Golem will just be a little bit‌ well, abnormal. For a Sedimentary Golem, a life source of bone must be used, for a Metamorphic Golem a life source of stone, lastly for an Igneous rock you must use a life source of magma. Those of you out there with a knack for rocks may have realised that the life source of each Golem is in-fact the material from which they are made. Now, as for the incantations and charms on the soon to be Golem you must inquire directly to us, these cannot be said incorrectly or your Golem may become fused with dark magic, you may be arrested for using dark magic (albeit unwillingly/unknowingly) also you may possibly rather get a nasty murder case on your hands should things get really out of hand. As for incubation, as, of course these are now living eggs you, just like a chicken, must provide the correct environment for them to thrive. Sedimentary Golems
Basic Theory and Creation
prefer a calm setting, surrounded by their make up, for this reason they must be laid (set, not laid like a chicken) on a bed of sand, slightly buried or surrounded by the sand, they also like a bit of salt water splashed on them from time to time. The Metamorphic Golems prefer a warm climate, I do mean extremely warm, they should be kept surrounded by other Metamorphic Golems, as they will be formed at the same time. Under no circumstances should you ever attempt to lift these Golems during incubation less you want rid of you hand, THEY WILL BURN YOU. Igneous Golems on the other hand prefer their climate to be slightly colder, they should be laid on a bed of ash, this does not have to be volcanic but they do prefer it. With Igneous Golems in incubation they tend to burrow subconsciously into the ash so if you see this do not be alarmed, it is perfectly normal. The Golem takes between 5 months - 1 year to fully incubate and will bond on hatching, if you wish to be the Golems master/companion be there when it unravels (the Golem does not form inside the rock, it is the rock and unrolls when ready) .
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There is a slightly darker form of Golemancy should you wish to partake, now i don’t mean darker as in evil or dark magic, all i mean is that the formation of these Golems will cause the master a slight bit of pain. The Golems I speak of are the Gemstone Golems, these beautiful creatures are formed in a very different process than regular Golems. The Gemstone Golem can only be formed in an Igneous or Sedimentary rock. To form these Golems the life source must be the companions own blood, if an animal or another’s blood is used the Golem will be bound by them. The Gemstone Golem forms in a geode and can take anywhere from 10 months to 3 years to form. When formed they will be bound to the witch, wizard or creature whose blood was used to form it. Its loyalty cannot be swayed. The type of Gem you wish the Golem to resemble can be controlled by inserting certain minerals into the Geode during formation, colour can also be determined by placing the Geode under a certain colour or light during incubation.
Which Golem To Choose It goes without saying that each and every person on the earth, muggle of magic is different, in fact there are no two the same. The same can be said of Golems, however their personalities can be fine tuned into the different rock types. There is a test to see which of the three groups you should choose to form your Golem in and it is really quite simple.
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First gather some sand and place it in a dipped dish so that the sand just fills the dish. Next place a stone onto the sand and recite the spell “ostende mihi veritatem”, once this is done the rock shall react. If you are best suited to a Sedimentary Golem the sand will rise in a whirl and surround the rock before gently falling back into the pit, if Igneous is the choice for you the rock shall sink into the sand and rise again, lastly if Metamorphic is destined for you then the rock shall glow a brilliant red and fade back a different colour than it was. You may be wondering what these types mean, what makes the three types different, to this there is a simple answer. A Sedimentary Golem, by their nature are soft hearted beings, they will listen and help with whatever they can as long as it is not contradictory to their moral code, they are very attentive and are very able in helping to solve problems, this is due to the rocks general softness and formation from (rather morbid) dead organisms, this gives them a wise demeanor as they have developed their knowledge during their incubation.They are best suited to kind hearted people, or people in need of a friend. Igneous Golems are fiercely loyal to their masters, willing to carry out any task to help but have a tendency to get slightly moody if not given the recognition they feel they deserve. These Golems are strong and can help in physical tasks, they have a deep desire for exploration and are best suited to adventurous or stubborn individuals. They have developed their strength and inner loyalty from the hardness of their inanimate counterparts and their magmatic core. The Metamorphic Golem is one that is quite a puzzle, they are very loyal to their masters and can change their personality to suit yours. The Metamorphic Golem can adapt very well to different environments and is always ready to help someone achieve their goals, for this reason those with ambition are usually best suited to these Golems, these Golems do however run a very tight schedule and will ‘encourage’ their master to ensure that their work gets done on time, for this reason they are well suited to those of us with quite a lazy habit. These Golems as mentioned before can however readily change their personality, making them a good suit for any person (they will retain some of their natural personality no matter what).
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As for the Gemstone Golems, they are most interesting, you see they themselves as a group do not have a set personality. Instead they form their personality on what they feel can best support their master. They can do this as during formation they study the blood within them, it forms a type of connection to the owner and gives them a deep understanding of the owner. For this reason they are forever bound to their master and will never serve another. They can change entirely based on the owner’s needs. They are particularly good at offering emotional support for people and find extreme joy when they manage to make the owner happy.
Golem Care:
If there is one thing you should know about Golems it is that they grow with you.
They strive to make their masters happy, they live for you and will gladly die for you if that time comes. If you want your Golem to grow large, they will, if you want it to be small, it will gladly oblige.
A Golem is more than a servant, as I’m sure those who have owned one before will agree, they are a friend. They will quickly become one of the people closest to your heart, they will become like a sister, brother and a best friend. The same is to say that you will become the only one they care about which is why the worst thing you can do to a Golem is to disregard them. To tell them you hate them even once is enough to destroy them, not physically no but mentally. They will live for you, strive to make you happy, so, if you say that to them they will never be able to find joy again. They will have failed you, so if i hear of anyone saying that to their little friend I will hunt you down.
Golems like to be bathed (especially sedimentary) their favourite is salt water but a shower with auguamenti will do the trick. Golems do not need food but it doesn’t do any harm to give them a few twigs, pebbles or a bit of lava if it’s handy. The Golem will need sleep and will feel much more comfortable if it is sleeping near its master, if you spare a space on the bed then do, if any strangers come knocking in the middle of the night your little pal will handle it for you, they hate being woken up just as much as you do. Now I think I have covered all the basics for Golemancy and Golem Care, if you have any further questions please contact the Department of Magi-Geology and Summoning. We sincerely hope you will consider getting a Golem and if you do have fun!
Now, as for housekeeping rules. Golems love to be played with, the more often the better, playing will help deepen the bond between the two of you and benefit both owner and Golem.
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Specific Golem-Rock Characteristics QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES
Sedimentary
Breccia:
Golems formed from Breccia will have a more rambunctious nature than their fine grained counterparts, making them a good match for more extroverted and energetic characters.
Sandstone:
Sandstone Golems are best suited to those who feel they could use an extra friend, people who enjoy to socialise will greatly enjoy the company of this type of Golem.
Mudstone:
Mudstone Golems, being hewn from the finest grained material are a very good fit for those quiet and reserved people, a true introvert through and through, if you enjoy a quiet evening rather than a loud social gathering, this is the one for you.
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Limestone:
These Golems are well suited for people with a drive for learning and science, particularly the study of living things, these Golems enjoy listening to your theories and predictions and make excellent lab assistants.
Coal:
Coal Golems are possibly the most diverse of the Sandstone Golems, the Coal Golem is best suited for someone with a flickering personality, they will support your ideas and hold your inner flame high.
Metamorphic
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Slate:
Slate Golems are well suited to those with a certain objective but who like to deviate from their path and like to be reinforced on those ideals.
Gneiss:
A Golem formed from Gneiss is suited to someone who likes to flip-flop between ideas and projects, this Golem will be more than helpful in your experiments but will also encourage your indecisiveness which can make for some serious delays.
Marble:
Marble Golems are suited for those who see beauty in all things, they do well in the hands of artists and the such, however they can be well suited to pessimists as they seem to lighten their mood.
Igneous
Granite:
Granite Golems are suited to people of impulse and adventure, they will do well in the hands of warriors and brawlers but will also be extremely beneficial in diffusing fights and conflict.
Schist:
Schist Golems are well suited to the indecisive, they help make decisions and those decisions are usually make or break, making them a perfect companion for analysts.
Basalt:
Basalt Golems feel at home in the possession of dreamers, they know all too well how it feels to feel as though there is something deep within you, a greater purpose waiting to be discovered.
Peridotite:
Golems of this rock feel comfortable in the hands of owners who have a tendency to show off, those with large, brash personalities are well suited for this Golem with the same attitude.
Dolerite:
These Golems ideal owners are those who love to diverge from the given path, those who love to forge new paths and have adventures of their own.
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throwawayjust_incase
Dragonology Spotlight
PIASA BIRD Welcome to the Dragonology Spotlight! This is a new segment where we look at the various types of dragon across the world and discover how THEY’RE PORTRAYED COMPLETELY WRONG IN THE MEDIA AND ARE IN REALITY PURE, BEAUTIFUL CREATURES THAT DON’T DESERVE TO BE SLAUGHTERED AND HARVESTED FOR THEIR VALUABLE RESOURCES LIKE THEY OFTEN ARE. Ahem. Speaking of that, this article is payed for by the Ethical Treatment of Pyrovorian Macro-Herpetoids, previously the Committee for Better Treatment of Dragons, but we decided to change our name to something more important-sounding after we were laughed out of the Ministry for suggesting dragon blood may not be all that useful. And by “we” I mean the entire organization is pretty much just me. And by “pretty much” I mean it’s literally just me. Ahem. Anyway, today we’ll be looking at a very rare dragon that hails from my home country, the United States of America: the one-and-only Piasa Bird! Apparently named by someone who has no idea what a bird looks like, the Piasa Bird is about the size of a cow (which is unusually small for a dragon), sporting a silky beard and long horns similar to a Horned Serpent’s. This leads some to believe that it has the face of a man. The most notable feature of the Piasa Bird is its long tail, which is about twice its body length and ends with fins much like a fish’s tail. Its scales shine green, red, and black. The Piasa Bird can be found around the Mississippi River in southwestern Illinois and southeastern Missouri. It tends to live in caves, although, being a far-from-shy creature, it would often fly over human settlements before the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy
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prevented this. Unfortunately, this means that many were hunted down, which led the species to near-extinction. Also, the Piasa Bird may, uh, have a small taste for human flesh. Humans are, ahem, a, uh, pretty big part of their diet. This has led to many witches and wizards protesting their continual survival in captivity, claiming that we should simply let them go extinct. But it’s not like they’re feeding them people in captivity! They’re giving them a nice mixture of other meats to insure that these dragons get the nutrition they need! And occasionally a human cadaver, but that’s not important! Unfortunately, this dragon was pretty scarce to begin with, so the Piasa Bird is completely extinct in the wild. there are only ten in captivity: eight of them at the American Dragon Sanctuary, and the other two at the famous Romanian one. The Piasa Bird only hatches up to three eggs at a time, so it’s a little difficult to repopulate them. I decided to visit the American Dragon Sanctuary to get a closer look at these dragons. The American Dragon Sanctuary is much smaller than some of its counterparts around the world, as there aren’t very many American Dragons. The sanctuary is still top-notch quality, however, and the establishment has used some of its extra room to house some other American creatures, as the North American continent is home to a large variety of magical
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creatures that can’t be found in other parts of the world. Upon arrival at the Sanctuary, I had a bit of trouble finding the Piasa Birds’ habitat. As it turned out, they had the cages at the far end of the sanctuary, away from the “Bird” section of the sanctuary where I had initially looked. Hey! It’s not my fault they’re misleading like that! I asked if I could enter the dragons’ cage in order to draw them. The workers at the sanctuary simply looked at me and said “You realize they eat people, right?” Um, yeah, of course I realize that, but it’s not like they’re used to hunting humans! Why would they go after me? Ridiculous! To that, the worker simply shrugged and replied “It’s your funeral,” and unlocked the cage. He sounded frustrated, as if I was being overly-insistent! The nerve of some people! I wasn’t being unreasonable! Sometimes, you just need to ask something twenty-three times! I began the drawing, but for whatever reason one of the dragons lunged at me! He must have been irritable that day for some reason. He may have been on his brumation cycle or something. Anyway, to the right is the resulting drawing. The incident resulted in quite a bit of yelling and also quite a bit of “Are you crazy? What are you doing? You’re never allowed back here again!” and other such nonsense. It was quite the ordeal.
So, seeing as I still have all of my limbs, I can conclude that these creatures are largely misunderstood and much more harmless than others would have you believe. An entire species in captivity is a travesty! They should be allowed to fly free like nature intended! And they certainly shouldn’t be allowed to go extinct! Although I had a bit of an altercation with the Sanctuary, the plaque by the front of the Sanctuary would remind you that they are dedicated to helping any species that faces endangerment. Even the most violent creatures are worth being protected! I hope you learned a lot and enjoyed this installment of Dragonology Spotlight. Dragons tend to be seen as savage and dangerous creatures. In reality, they are very intelligent and usually not as violent as portrayed. Next week we’ll look at a dragon species from Romania (where I am not yet banned). See you then!
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SAILING
WITH SELMA
MATHIAS_GREYJOY WRITES
A
whipping, screeching wind went through me like a flurry of icy knives. I squinted and gritted my teeth, looking out at the grey-green storm that raged around the little ship I was standing upon. A man wrapped up in a darkgreen, salt-stained sea cloak moved up next to me to observe what I was looking at. I had to yell to be heard over the howling wind. 35
QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES “What is it now? Eight days? And rain and snow, day and night.” “Velcome to the Norvegian Sea,” the man answered gruffly in a thick accent. Captain Greger, who the crew called “Greeneyes” for his seaweed coloured eyes, crossed his arms and looked me up and down. I continued my train of thought. “Actually, it’s not the rain I take issue with, it’s the fact that half of it is frozen. I haven’t been properly warm in weeks.” I squared my feet on the deck in order to balance myself on the leaning ship. “Things could be much vorse,” Greger said darkly. “Vee could come across some of these dragons you’ve been raving about, or worse.” I observed the sky. “Well I wouldn’t be able to get up close to them,” I said absentmindedly. The man shook his head. “So you are really going to go searching for these Dragons all by yourself?” I turned my head and smiled at Greger Greeneyes. “If I wasn’t, I can assure you I wouldn’t be standing next to you now on this little boat.” “Vatch vat you say Vandmaker, or I’ll duel you here on my deck; the Susanna is no boat, she is a proper ship.” Greger was joking with me of course, although it was hard to tell. His face rarely changed, although his eyebrows seemed to be more furrowed every time I saw him. He was of course the Captain of the Susanna, a beautiful wizarding sailing ship, a rare sight in this day and age, what with all the fancy modern methods of travel, floo powder, portkeys and the like. ---But how did I come to be covered in ice and snow standing on the deck of a ship in the middle of the 36
North Atlantic? Well to begin, I had spent the last four weeks visiting the Arjeplog Dragon reservation. There I had heard rumours of a rare new Dragon species living in Iceland, most likely a hybrid between a Norwegian Ridgeback and a Swedish Shortsnout. I was enthralled immediately and set out for a small, unplottable Norwegian wizarding port. There I found the Susanna, a sailing ship straight out of the seventeenth century, and its captain. This sleek, icicle-covered ship ferried wizards all over the North Sea and Norwegian Sea, including the islands of Norway, the Faroe Islands, and Scotland. But most importantly for me, it just so happened the ship was making port in Iceland in two weeks. So I paid for my ticket (five Galleons, eleven Sickles, twenty-six Knuts) and hopped onboard. ---One week later I found myself half frozen to the deck of the little ship. I shielded my eyes from a sudden sheet of icy rain and gave a full-body involuntary shiver; I was starting to think that not even dragon fire could warm me up right now it was so cold. “You should go below. You’re the only vone left above deck,” Greger said, more of an order than a suggestion. “Vat did you hope to see that you haven’t already seen for days? It’s just vater and ice, nothing new. Go get some sleep, have a drink, I don’t care, just stop being a liability.” I would have agreed verbally, but the wind was so loud now I decided to save my breath and just give him a large nod. My boots were ice-stuck to the wood of the deck. I pulled out my wand and blasted the ice from the bottom of the boots with a simple heat spell. Slowly, I made my way down to my quarters for the night.
---A few days passed, the weather continued to get worse. I woke up one morning stiff from the cold. I could hear yelling from the men above deck; the deckhand, a short stocky man named Canute, stood over me. I sat up and ran my hands through my hair. “Good morning?’’ “Captain vishes to see you sir,” the deckhand said simply, one hand on his hip, the other rubbing his chin. “May I ask why?” I said, swinging my legs over the side of my bed, preparing to get dressed. “He vishes to get an expert's opinion on something, sir.” “We’re not likely to find many magic trees anywhere close,” I muttered. I pulled on my boots and gloves and followed Canute back outside; if it was morning you wouldn’t be able to tell, since the sky was just as dark as it had been the night before. I spied the Captain and made my way across the deck to speak with him. Politely, I drew myself up to him, hands folded behind my back; he looked sideways at me a moment and turned back to the sea. “Bad thing,’’ he muttered, ‘’the lookout spotted something very large moving in the vaters.” “Icebergs?” I mused. The Captain did not share my good nature. I looked down and noticed he had his wand drawn, so did most of the crew. “What’s going on?” I asked apprehensively. “What kind of experience do you have with sea monsters Mr. Greyjoy?” I frowned. “What kind? What exactly did your look-
out see?” The Captain whistled and shouted something in Norwegian; a man ran up to greet us. “Mr. Morten, please describe for my friend here exactly vat you vitnessed ten minutes ago.” The man gave me a blank look. “I saw a beast sir, it vas serpentine, vith a large head, and moved quick as death.” I clapped the man on the shoulder, and turned to the captain. “Well Captain, we needn’t worry anymore, your man has only seen a sea serpent, be glad it wasn’t something worse.’’ The Captain cleared his throat. “I’m not convinced you’re
really as learned as you claim to be sir; a sea serpent is no laughing matter.” “Captain, ” I said imploringly, ‘’there has never been a documented case of a Sea Serpent attacking wizards, or muggles for that matter; I’m surprised there’s one even this far north! They much prefer warmer waters.” Greger studied me a moment, then gave a retort. “Three months ago a vizarding sailing ship called the Sea Snake, vas lost during a storm in these
MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES QUIBBLER vaters. Vhen my Ministry sent men out to search the sea all they found vas the shattered hull. They are keeping it quiet, but I have it on good authority that ship vas attacked by a magical beast. Did you not notice that mine is the only ship left vith a brave enough crew to venture into these vaters? It is because of these rumours my Ministry is attempting to quash, but ve know better,” he ended bitterly. ---The Captain was hailed by one of his officers near the bow. He excused himself and stepped across the deck in long strides. I drew up my cloak close to my chest and
took a long look out into the swirling waters. Suddenly my eyes caught something moving. It was darker than the water and moving fast. My eyes widened as the dark entity coiled into a circle. I whipped around, frantically searching for the Captain, but no quicker had I’d turned my head then I heard a crash and a screech. Water came pouring down in a wave on top of me and I slipped and lost my footing. I pulled myself back onto my feet and wiped the
salt water out of my eyes. WAM! Something huge and heavy had smashed into the side of the ship. I was sent flying into the air, as if I was on a trampoline. I came down hard onto the wooden deck, the breath knocked out of me. Suddenly a hand pulled me harshly behind a grouping of barrels. I recovered and looked up. It was the Captain, firing off a slurry of spells, the majority of which were hitting their mark. I got up off the deck, slipping on the wet surface and watched as an enormous serpentine monster writhed around, its head snapping back after each spell hit it. It angrily shrieked and dove backwards, its body following it rapidly. A large-spined fin tore out of the water, arched into the air and finally followed the rest of the body. The ship reeled back and forth from the impact, dropping bits of rigging and rope from high above. I coughed up sea water, and croaked ‘’S-el-ma,’’ I said. Greger looked at me. ‘’Vat was that?’’ ‘’Selma,’’ I said again, clearer. ‘’Not a normal sea serpent. It’s a Selma. They mostly live in freshwater lakes in Norway. I’ve never seen one out in saltwater before.’’ ‘This must be the monster that vrecked that ship three months ago,’’ said Greger. ----The Selma suddenly burst out of the water on the starboard side of the ship, everyone on deck whipped around quickly to face the monster as it reared its head high and lunged down onto the deck, shrieking all the way. The sickening crunch of the the
railing being torn to splinters was barely audible over the din of the storm. Men launched themselves out of the way as the snake writhed around on the deck. I stood my ground and danced my way around the men trying to escape the gyrations of the Selma. Its body was thick as a tree trunk. Its head, the size of a small elephant, was very dragon-like. It had a leering, almost grinning mouth, filled with teeth and a crimson, forked tongue. It was crested with blue spine-like fins and its protuberant eyes were bronze-coloured and enormous. Men were firing hexes and jinxes every which way. Pandemonium was starting to ensue. Greger Greeneyes looked at me, stone faced. ‘’Any suggestions?’’ He ducked a large portion of rigging that came slamming down behind him. ‘’We’ve got to stun it,’’ I said. ‘’If we don’t, it’ll come back. But first we need it to stay still long enough to hit it with enough wands.’’ The Captain nodded and put the tip of his wand to his throat. I heard him mutter ‘’Sonorus” and a glow of orange light travelled up his throat. He starting barking orders with his magically magnified voice to his crew in Norwegian. Most of the deckhands stopped and focused on the monster, sending Impediment Jinxes out of their wands. A volley of turquoise blasts of energy began to fly straight into the head of the Selma. Its eyes crossed and a disgusted look came across its face. The beast was now moving in slow motion. ‘’Now! Force it off the ship!’’ I screamed to the Captain. He bellowed orders with his magically enhanced voice and two dozen balls of crimson energy went sailing into the snout of the Selma. Its head snapped back rapidly and its body went sailing out into the
blackness. The ship rocked back and forth, reeling from the attack of the Selma. I rushed to the Starboard side, the Captain fast behind me. We looked out into the turbulent sea. The Captain brought his wand up to his neck and muttered ‘’Quietus.’’ ‘’Do you think it vill return?’’ he said apprehensively. I looked at the waterlogged, splinter-covered man. ‘’I imagine it will be knocked out for a couple of hours. Hopefully it’ll wake up at the bottom of the sea with a nasty headache.’’ Greger did not betray any hint of emotion, he simply drew himself up and started shouting orders to his crew, who were rushing around trying to mend as much of the ship as possible. ----In the following hours while the ship was repaired, I helped heal the crew’s wounds below deck. Never have I pulled so many splinters in my life. A day and a half later and we finally sighted mainland Iceland. As the Susanna pulled into port, I ascended the ladder and slammed the latch leading below deck behind me. As I stood on deck, I spied something curious embedded into the mainmast. I walked over to it and gave it a pull. A chunk of what appeared to be bone came loose. Realizing this must be a part of the Selma’s horn, I pulled out a leather pouch from one of my pockets and slipped the spine piece back into my cloak. ‘’Very interesting,’’ I said to myself. “I’ll have to experiment with this.” I smiled, looking across the bay at the small town drawing closer. I was sore, I was wet and cold, and I was ready to sleep in a bed that wasn’t hanging from the ceiling. ‘’At least Dragons will be in a less wet environment.’’ 37
QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES
BROWNIES MENACES DEMANDING PENANCE Brownies. You may think of them as insignificant unintended house guests, at best inconsequential, and at worst minor annoyances. As a long, far-off relative of fairies, who are whimsical but ultimately harmless in nature, one may assume the same of brownies. That is a terrible misconception. Make no mistake: brownies are by far the worse of the two. They are fully sentient, intelligent with a grasp of human speech, and possess obscure magics that they use to torment innocents at will. Their fixations, unlike that of a much more understandable imp or pixie, are not to burden or play tricks. No—brownies have a much more sinister infatuation: cleaning. It was a week back Wednesday when I set about my regular routine of the time. Spring had just arrived, and with it mildly more bearable weather. Flowers were starting to blossom, which meant witches and wizards alike would spend more time out, about, and together. After languishing in the frosty weather for months, my home was in disarray. This all, of course, prompted a need for what muggles refer quite aptly to as ‘spring cleaning’. This need became particularly apparent after I opened the door to my cellar. It was where I kept potion ingredients and the like, but not having brewed a single one in months, the place was understandably dusty. Mould grew rampant on the wall, a stash of fairy wings had been overtaken by a sort of dark sheen, and it appeared something had built a nest out of moonstones. Dirty sheets were strewn about on the ground, possibly pages of the potions book that exploded the last time I tried to make a potion. My cauldron, old thing it was, wobbled precariously on its unbalanced bottom. Alright, I admit it. I hadn’t come down here in a long time. Still, the mould wasn’t my fault—this was my first spring here, and the previous owner hadn’t mentioned it before. It was no concern though. In spite of the surmounting challenge, cleaning this was all very straightforward. “Scourgify,” I chanted, waving my wand in a swish. It flashed white for a moment, but when the light subsided nothing had changed. Odd. Charms had 38
been one of my better subjects, way back when. Not a thing had moved, aside from, perhaps, whatever it was that was squatting on the moonstones in the corner. “Scourgify,” I tried again. No dice. Stranger still. With my generous understanding of how reality worked, I decided to do the one thing that would obviously fix this situation. I repeated myself. “Scourgify. Skurge. Scourgify.” In all of that, my wand had not ushered in a single glimmer of magic. Was I losing my magic? Was that even possible? Outside of mythos and legends, witches and wizards simply did not lose their ability to cast spells out of the blue. There was simply no precedent. Of course, there were some areas in which certain spells were blocked, Hogwarts being the famous example, but my home was nowhere near as fortified. “Scourgify,” I attempted one last time. “Oh shut up you lazy lump,” a shrill voice snapped. “Are you touched to the head?” I stared at the dark shadow that sat on my moonstones. It stared back, equally perturbed. “Down here, you ignoramus,” it cried. An infinitesimally light tap on my ankle prompted me to glance down; a miniature figure stood there, ramming its body against my leg. It was short, barely coming up to the top of my feet, and dressed all in a musty brown. A socially outcast fairy, a clothed pixie, an imp in a house— no, it was a brownie. Gringotts mentioned them
INSERT QUIBBLER briefly when I signed the contract. “It only took you half a minute to notice,” the brownie snapped. “Why don’t you wizard folk ever clean things properly?” “We do so!” I insisted. “If my spell would only work—” “Imbecile!” it shrieked. “Can’t you see I’m blocking your magic? Did the thought never cross your mind that the one new element may be the factor affecting you?” “Brownies can do that?” Not once in any form of literature had brownies been able to cancel out the effects of magic. It was a feat only manageable by the most esoteric of beasts and beings, the wise and cunning. Hogwarts’ wards were an exception to the rule, not the norm! The ability to flat out negate magic was certainly not something this pudgy, outspoken little midget should have been capable of. “Clearly,” the brownie scoffed. “What, do you think your magic sparkly spark just vanished into thin air? Even then, why would repeating the exact same action over and over again ever change anything?” I stared at the little thing, wondering whether I should greet it with my feet as kindly as it had welcomed me. “Come along, we don’t have all day,” it continued. “You do want to start cleaning, don’t you?” “How will I clean this mess up?” I asked. “I can’t scourgify without my magic.” The brownie seemed to puff itself up, as pathetic as its tiny figure was. Pride? Confidence? Would punting the brownie shut it up? “You have to tidy this wreck the right way,” the brownie explained. “Magic is a cheap shortcut. You’ll never get anything done if you always rely on it. Maybe I’ll even return it to you if you do a good job here, and in the rest of the house.” “I—” “Save it,” the brownie interrupted.
“You’ve got work to do. You can start by dusting this place.” “With what?” I retorted. “Those rags you call clothes?” Though I could never claim to understand the facial expressions of every magical creature I’ve come across, what I saw in that brownie’s face was nothing short of crystal clear. “You have a broom. It’s time to make good use of it.” … That week was the worst week I’d ever lived; I was constantly sore, exhausted, and I ruined a new broom. I experienced such torture, such utter menial labourious extortion that I’d rather have been in Azkaban than spend another sodden day on my knees scrubbing away as that devil spoke over my shoulder. Why did I learn the complex and convoluted arts of transfiguration if it couldn’t be used to fix mould-crusted cracks in wooden flooring? Toilets were never meant to be polished by the bare hands of witches and wizards; what then, was magic for? Even Azkaban asked for nothing more than soul crushing despair. Brownies may seem innocent. They may seem meaningless, perhaps even cute to some strange folk, but they are powerful beasts that should never be underestimated. They are cruel, sadistic monsters that deserve to be locked away— as long as they are kept far away from the dementors, as I fear the two would only give birth to a new realm of torment. Let my sacrifice be a lesson to all of you: if at any point, you are at risk of cohabitation with a brownie, apparate away while you still can. It won’t just save your broom; it’ll save your life. P. S. Punting or any other form of assault to a brownie is ineffective as they retain control of magic even while the punter may not. 39
QUIBBLER DIVINATION INSERT
ASK MADAM
Do YOU have burning questions for our resident Seer and fairy, Madam Starflash? Got yourself in a relationship with a Vampire and don’t know if it’s going to work out? Debating on using a love potion on your biggest crush? Have a bully you’d love to get rid off? Don’t hesitate to ask! Madam Starflash ALWAYS has the right answer for you! Contact her in Divination Tower at /r/TheQuibbler now with your desperate questions!
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DIVINATION QUIBBLER
k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Dear Madam Starflash,
Dear Madam Starflash,
I have a feeling I might be cursed. Somehow everything I try to achieve is going wrong. I fell twice last week alone and I gained three new scars in the past month. Every time I have to take the train it is either delayed or it doesn't ride at all and when I have to fly somewhere it rains. Floo powder brings me to the wrong places, most of my spells fail and I haven't brewed a single successful potion in months! I never had problems with my spells or potions before. I don't remember fighting with anyone or hurting anyone that could have caused me to be cursed. Can you See what is wrong with me?
Please, I just saw a black dog in my tea leaves???! Please help me!
-An unlucky reader --Dearest Unlucky, There is a simple way to overcome these minor setbacks; go to your second-favorite eatery in the fourthto-last town you accidentally wound up in while messing around with Floo powder. There you will find a particularly good-looking person who will be standing in front of the bar. Go to them and you will find yourself falling instantly in love. After the third date, when the time is right, you must be the one to propose marriage. Once you are married, ask your new spouse to check under each one of your left shoes until they find the crystal fragment embedded within the sole of one. They must be the one to remove this fragment. You will find instantly that your curse will be lifted. May Fortune smile upon you!
-Rushed tea leaf reader --Dearest Reader, Relax. That was not a black dog. That cup had no trace of the Grim. No, that was a goat, which indicates victory over an enemy. You would know this if Madam Starflash was still allowed to send out her Divination for Dummies Beginners lesson set. However, due to minor legal disputes, this is impossible. Next time you feel the need for a tea leaf reading, do not hesitate to find your way to Divination Tower in the offices of The Quibbler. You will find me there, and I will perform an excellent reading for you. May Fortune smile upon you!
Dear Madam Starflash, I accidentally ingested a pretty plant I found while out in the forest. I've been feeling pretty icky and I'm wondering if I should go to the hospital or if I'm okay? -Will eat anything ---Dearest Anything, You should know by now that eating pretty plants is very dangerous. You ingested deadly nightshade, which is highly toxic. Go immediately to St. Mungo’s and speak to the Welcome Witch immediately. You will undergo a series of treatments to remove all traces of the nightshade from your body. But luckily for you, you will fall madly in love with your Healer. Marry them at once. May Fortune smile upon you!
k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm 41
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42
ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER
WWW PASTELPURRFECT WRITES
prepares for their busiest day!
You never know what’s going to happen in Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes, and the shop is preparing for April 1st. It’s everything you’ve wanted and more, but what sort mischief has they come up with this year? I make my way towards the infamous shop on 93 Diagon Alley, and I of course mean the Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes. The street in front is packed with wizards and witches of almost all ages and everyone is eager to see the newest productions the popular shop has come up with this year. I squeeze myself between several impatient youngsters to the front of the entrance where a striking ginger-haired man in his thirties, is grinning vividly. He is holding up a rather mundane looking goblet, filling it with lemonade and proclaiming loudly so everyone can hear: “VOLUNTEER! VOLUNTEER!” All of the sudden the gathering gets even more tight and eager children jump up and down to be picked, despite their parents’ groans at what trouble it could lead to. The man carefully picks what looks like a 2nd year student from Hogwarts, a young boy whose entire face is lit up in the most mischievous grin possible. Mr. Weasley hands over the innocent-looking goblet and tells the boy to drink; the crowd goes silent in anticipation. The boy lifts the cups to his mouth and drinks, and drinks, and drinks. He looks confused and the cup is still filled to the brink. “The Undrinkable Goblet everyone! No matter how much you try,
you will never get one drop of liquid into your mouth!” This continues for some time with some of the new merchandise that will be released the following day. Mr. Weasley was so kind as to let me borrow him for a few minutes after his showcase, despite being so very busy. We headed up to the small alcove in the middle of the crowded shop. “So, Mr. Weasley…” I start. “Oh, please call me George, Mr. Weasley is my father.” He chuckles. “George then. How would you describe today, April 1st, regarding your shop?” “Oh, April 1st is a very important day to us, it’s the day of mischiefs, ya’ know? We get all sorts of different customers around this time looking for that extraordinary prank to pull on their family or grumpy teachers.” Mr. Weasley answered, ducking to avoid a Jam-Slam flying out of control. “What do you think attracts people to this day? I mean, even serious people are getting in on the shenanigans happening,” I asked wonderingly. “Well, I think even serious people need that little spark of silliness and mischief in their life,
even though it might just be for that one day. I think they feel like they can let go of all their ‘serious-business’ troubles and be children at heart again. It’s rather nice to think about ya’ know? Grumpy, mundane people laughing and making trouble. Besides what kind of world would this be without some good-hearted fun, right?” Mr. Weasley’s eyes twinkled with passion as he said this. “So, what do people fall for most this time? Anything that sells out every year?” “The Hopper Snaps always go easily, and then the last couple of years our Tickley-Toes have been extremely popular around the 1st. It’s an innocent and easy prank; a simple pair of socks that tickle your feet when wearing them, supplemented with a sticky charm. They are rather great if I may say so. One of my favorites.” “If one came to ask you for the perfect item to buy for the day, what would you say or recommend?” “Well, it all depends on the person and who they are going to prank. For example, it’s not a good idea to prank your elderly grandmother with something that could give her a heart-attack or get yourself in trouble. It has to be the right amount 43
QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT of mischief and fun, while not going over the victim’s personal line, ya’ know? It’s not fun if the person is hurt or traumatized. I always say: ‘With great pranks, comes great responsibility’.” Mr. Weasley wears a look of heroic determination during that last line. “I guess it is important to take your victim’s feelings into consideration. Do you have any precautions or restrictions to your merchandise to prevent those kinds of issues?” “Yes, well most of our items are rather harmless to just about anyone. But those few items we have that could have dangerous consequences, always have a countercurse written on the package. We make sure the customer knows about that before buying it. It’s also very important to us that items aren’t being used for bullying other students in school, for example. Our products are made for the sake of fun, not torment.”
know.” I chuckled. “Well. Here’s the goods!” Mr. Weasley gestured to the box. “We have all sorts of new things this year, and a couple of old favorites that were discontinued that we decided to remake.” Mr. Weasley reached into the box and pulled out the goblet from before. “This is The Undrinkable Goblet we showed off earlier today. Imagine using this on your grandparents during a family dinner, hilarious! Well, the making of this goblet was actually quite an easy spell; the liquid hits a spell at the top of the goblet that makes it stick to the bottom of it.” Mr. Weasley put the goblet back and pulled up a small colourful packet I hadn’t seen before. “These are Gastric Gargles! They are amazing! They are eaten like candy, sort of like the muggle-candy ‘pop rocks’. We cooperated
“Miniature toy...wolves? Nevermind, I don’t want to 44
“Eht tceffe seog yawa ni a etunim ro os. Tel em dnif rethona meti elihwnaem.” It was hard to understand what he was saying but I think he said he wanted to look for another item while under the effects. “Siht eno!” he said while pulling up another colorful packet just a few sizes bigger than the other.
“Amazing!” I said, “Really puts one in a silly mood.”
“Why, of course, of course! Just a moment!” Mr. Weasley said eagerly while disappearing out back.
“Sorry, a pack of miniature toy-wolves is running loose, but I find them way too adorable to trap them again,” Mr. Weasley puffed.
“They take a -tnemom ot krow. Ho raed, yeht era gnikrow ydaerla. Ah Ah Ah. Siht si nuf!” He spat out the gum again and continued his weird laughter which I couldn’t help but reciprocate. He sounded so silly.
“This is-there we go, back to normal speechhow did you like those Gastric Gargles by the way?”
“That is very important indeed! But on to a more cheerful subject; can you show us some of your new products being released? I would love to give the readers a sneakpeak of your wonderful creations this year.”
A loud bang sounded outside a moment later and Mr. Weasley stumbled out looking rather disheveled. He carried a huge box with ‘CLASSIFIED’ written in capital letters.
Their effect goes away shortly after spitting out the gum, look at this,” Mr. Weasley popped a piece of purple gum inside his mouth and began chewing.
with Honeydukes to get a great flavor. But the trick is, when you eat them you will burp ever other word you say for about 20 minutes. Incredible fun they are; I would show you but then this interview would catastrophically...” He laughed. “Ah! Here we have the Mumble-Jumble Gum!” He exclaimed cheerfully. “These you gotta see! They make you speak words backwards.
“Well, this next item we like to call Snout Trotters. They’re candies as well, again with the help of Honeydukes. They make your nose bigger with every tenth breath you take. They do have a limit, to avoid any serious issues. The candies look like small noses - look, let me unwrap one - here you go.” I reached for the candy and the details on the tiny fake nose was amazing; almost like a real nose. I pressed it between my fingers and it gave a squeak, surprising me a little. “These are fun, how big could you make you nose
ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER with these?”
swer I got.
“About the size of a small honeydew melon, I think, but it does have a countercurse written on the package, just in case.”
The toy-wolves slowly made their way towards us, wrecking and breaking things on the way. One of the wolves smashed a love potion on the floor and started licking up the spill. Another wolf ate some of the Gastric Gargles and started burping uncontrollably while barking. It was a mess! One took the opportunity to attack poor Mr. Weasley with its plushy paws. I felt bad because it looked kind of adorable.
“Well, that’s good to know.” “The last item I want to show you is the Jiggly Fingers. Another candy-as you can see, candy is quite the hit these days-that tastes and looks like Jell-o. Eating it makes the bones in your fingers go like putty, flapping all around. The effects last for about 10 minutes. Here, let me show you.” “Wait, is that a good idea?” I tried to intervene, but Mr. Weasley had already taken a huge bite of the jelly substance. “Ha ha!” He laughed as his fingers went flapping around, “Don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt or anything.” Another crash sounded out back, startling us. Then another one followed. We turned around to look at the disturbance and had to take a step back. Out of the backdoor a pack of miniature toywolves was running, wildly dragging a rather perplexed employee by his trousers. The wolves weren’t much bigger than 15cm, but a slightly bigger wolf made its way up on the poor worker’s chest and started growling. The other wolves surrounded them and howled and growled, almost like they were talking to each other. “Oh dear. Oh dear.” Mr. Weasley gasped and tried to grab his wand but his jiggly fingers made it impossible. “Oh no…Don’t worry Sebastian! Their teeth are made of cotton!” He yelled. The bigger toy-wolf saw Mr. Weasley and quickly jumped of Sebastian and made his way towards us. “What do we do?” I asked, slightly worried. “Uhhhh..” was the only an-
“Okay, okay, I give!” The ginger man exclaimed to the wolf, who looked rather proud of itself. But his fingers had stopped being jiggly and he quickly grabbed his wand and yelled a spell. All the toy-wolves floated up from the floor, looking very confused, pawing at the air. “Ah, finally,” he said. He gently guided them out back. He came out a few minutes later with one of the wolves in his arms. It was the one who drank the love potion and it was rubbing its head into Mr. Weasley’s chest while he petted it. “That could have gone worse, phew.” He wiped the sweat from his forehead. “I think I’m going to build them a little fence they can play around in, they do get rather bored all cooped up in there.” He sighed but smiled down at the cotton wolf who was wagging its tail.
Your new products seem absolutely astonishing, I must say. I might pop in tomorrow to buy some for myself; those Gastric Gargles would make Mondays at the office much more interesting.” I said. “Oh, it’s no problem at all.
And here... have some on me, I’d love to hear how they work out for you. And I welcome your readers to pop by for tips, tricks and taste tests.” Well, that says it all. You never know what will happen at the Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes, but getting attacked by a pack of small cotton wolves isn’t the worst thing in the world. I highly endorse these products, and the sample of Gastric Gargles given to me was a hit at the office. Watching my boss burp the entire morning-presentation the next day was indescribable. Happy pranking, dear readers!
“Well, I think that concludes this interview. I think I’ve seen enough mischief for one day, haha. Thank you for having The Quibbler here! 45
QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT
y clearl t s r o w e th
You have submitted your best jokes to The Quibbler for the past three months, and we have chosen the best! Those of you who weren’t chosen as winners are still appreciated. We have hung up each and every owl post in our office!
How many centaurs does it take to change a lightbulb?
2! One to actually change it and one to comment on how bright the room is tonight! (Submitted by R. Hagrid)
Where will you find Dumbledore’s Army? Up his sleevey! (Submitted by S. Bones)
What do you get when you put a Ravenclaw in the infirmary? Ill-literacy! (Submitted by T. Boot)
How do you get a mythical creature into your house?
Through the Gryffindor! (Submitted by P. Patil)
What do you call a wizard with his hand in a thestrals mouth? A mechanic! (Submitted by H. Potter)
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ENTERTAINMENT INSERT QUIBBLER
WELCOME TO K9'S PARTY KORNER! Every Quibbler Edition I'll be providing you wonderful readers with some fun Harry Potter themed activities to bring the extra level of Magic to your Harry Potter Parties! In honor of Spring, this edition will focus on PLANTthemed games!
HERBOLOGY CLASS - VINES Requirements: Ball of Yarn, Scissors Before this game, the host will need to cut the ball of yarn into as many different length of string as desired. Then the host will hide them around the room, with an end showing. Players will split up into teams (by House works well!). One at a time, a team member will run into the room, grab a piece of yarn, and run back to their home base. Go through every player. All the pieces of yarn should be tied end to end. The team with the longest yarn wins!
DEVIL’S SNARE Requirements: Giant pot of cooked spaghetti (cooled), a plate and a fireball candy ball per player The host will prepare the plates of cooked spaghetti for each player, hiding a single fireball candy inside the pile of noodles. Each player will line up, hands behind their back, and try and dig out their fireball candy. First one to find theirs, wins!
GILLYWEED CHALLENGE Requirements: A pair of goggles & swim flippers & bucket per team. A basket of water balloons. This activity should be performed outside. At one end of the yard, place a basket full of water balloons. The teams should line up with their bucket and goggles and swim flippers. One at a time, a team member will don the goggles and swim flippers, run down to the basket of water balloons. They’ll grab a water balloon, and then carry it back to their team by holding it under their chin. If the balloon bursts, they have to turn around and grab a new one. Once they’ve added their water balloon to their team’s bucket, they’ll pass on the goggles and swim flippers to the next player. After a set time has passed, count how many balloons have been collected by each team. The team with the most balloons wins! 47
QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT
TeacherTish
Shitty Fanart
SecretSquirrel_
(a collection of shitty and not-so-shitty fanart)
TeacherTish
TeacherTish Elbowsss
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ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER
WAND WOODS PUZZLE
Wand Woods ASH ASPEN SWAMP MAYHAW WILLOW ELM EBONY PEAR OAK
HORNBEAM DOGWOOD LARCH IVY BIRCH ALDER CHERRY SYCAMORE ENGLISH OAK
CHESTNUT MAHOGANY FIR HAZEL ROSEWOOD CEDAR APPLE LAUREL VINE
MAPLE ELDER ACACIA HOLLY SPRUCE YEW REDWOOD PINE SILVERLIME
LIME BEECH HAWTHORN REED WALNU POPLAR ROWAN
SOLUTION HERE 49
QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT
The weird world of
Welcome to The Weird World of Harry Potter! Every issue we will take a look at one piece of Fanfiction and one piece of Fan Art. Both will be of my choosing. As a totally unqualified, non-reader of fanfiction, I tend to gravitate towards the unusual, so buckle up! Everything within these analyses will be Safe For Work, but be sure to check the rating for the original source before you delve any further into off-site links. The source information for these creations will be shoddy. When possible, I have searched for origins in order to reach out to authors and artists; however, the Harry Potter Fandom has been alive for almost twenty years. Most of my searches have proven to be fruitless due to abandoned accounts and defunct email addresses. If you are an original artist or writer and would like credit for your work, please let me know. This week’s theme will be: MPREG (male pregnancy) THE FANFICTION Rating: PG-13 (language and adult themes) Source: https://sites.google.com/site/hpmpregmod/onmyown On My Own by: Kayem Description: This is not a fic you want to miss! While On My Own certainly qualifies as unusual, it isn’t exceptionally disturbing or off-putting. In fact, it’s one of the tamest fanfictions I’d deem odd enough for a mention in The Quibbler. Kayem tells a story that will stick with you: Remus Lupin is pregnant with Sirius’ baby, but due to his imprisonment, Sirius is not a present father. The story starts with the murder of Lily and James Potter. Remus is already pregnant, and he is left alone when Sirius goes off on his own to corner Wormtail. From there we get quick glimpses into Remus’ life up until the moment he gives birth. This story is short, laugh-out-loud funny, and 100% Safe For Work. The content is neither heavy nor fluffy. Oddly enough, the story is canon compliant as long as you are willing to overlook the “Remus is pregnant” bit. Excerpt: "Why?" he asked. His voice was shaking. He looked down in the direction where his feet used to be and saw blood. "Oh." He said. 'Oh shit the baby's coming! Get out of here Remus." He began to run - or at least waddle as fast as possible - toward the Leaky Cauldron and Diagon Alley beyond. He pushed through crowds of muggles and could hear their mutterings. "Ugly Cow! Thought she was a man."
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ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER Highlights: Clear, concise writing A plot twist that will knock you off your feet A quick read at 1863 words Weirdness Level: Surprisingly not weird, which makes it even weirder. Overall: 10/10. If you pull it up, do yourself a favor and stick with it until the end. THE FAN ART Rating: PG-13 (minor gross factor and adult themes) Source: The original may have been posted at jello13.deviantart.com but the account has since been deactivated. The page that preserves the comic can be found here: http://dragondicks.tumblr.com/post/11460836959/harry-potter-mpreg-comic Untitled Description: Snape and Harry are having a baby. This fanart is in comic form, which gives us a double whammy of story and imagery. Harry seems to spend a lot of time strutting around with his belly, Snape wears a white wife-beater, and they both blush a lot. As an aside, Snape seems to be a lot cleaner than most canon depictions. There is a lot of belly rubbing and secondhand embarrassment (that second part might just be me) before Harry finally pops that sucker out. SPOILER ALERT: They name the baby Rosie. Highlights: Clear story-telling Art worth looking at 12 pages of entertainment Weirdness Levels: Pretty fucking weird and kinda gross. Snape kisses Harry while his hands are covered in afterbirth. The entire time I was reading this comic (and for approximately eight minutes afterwards) I was making a face similar to Ron Weasley when he encountered an army of acromantulas in the Forbidden Forest. Overall: 10/10 what am I doing with my life
If you would like to suggest weird fanart or fanfiction for future issues, please PM /u/elbowsss. 51
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SPORTS QUIBBLER
ryan814
T
hat’s right folks, this term the prefects are proud to re-open the Hogwarts Dueling Club! It has taken a bit of persuasion after the, eh… accidental Cruciatus Curse incident (Sally Spring has been banned from the roster), but we have persuaded Professor McGonagall to allow us to once again open our doors to the keen duelists of tomorrow! Now, things have changed a bit since last time, so listen up. First, the club is no longer teacher-run; myself and the other prefects will be organizing, planning and teaching the lessons, meaning that we can get up to a lot more and use some of the more dodgy spells, seeing as we won’t have any teacher breathing down our backs. Also it will hopefully be useful in life, because unlike when it was taken by that old loon Lockhart, we’ll actually be teaching useful spells and you will be learning from competent teachers. I nearly forgot the best bit, each year we will be giving house points to the house with the best track record the best performing pupils, and the pupils who have gone from dreadful to competent (or hopefully good). To aid us in this we have decided to hold monthly tournaments. These will be a brutal set of dueling matches with little to no rules, besides, obviously, not causing serious harm (we aren’t counting the majority of jinxes and some curses when we say this). From this tournament will shine one beacon of Wizardry, an unstoppable machine of spells, capable of cranking out jinx after jinx, hex after hex, fast as a well-oiled owl delivery service. They will be putting people in the hospital wing faster than Madam Pomfrey can cure them! I mean, there will be some serious overflow when this tournament is ongoing, body stacked on body like a stack of human pancakes. The beginning month we will be focusing on repelling spells and jinxes, which is especially helpful if you’re
looking to get ahead in DADA. I can’t tell you who it’ll be but I’m sure the new DADA teacher will be very pleased to see you learning new spells that have a use, unlike Flitwick and that bloody feather trick he teaches every pupil to ever enter his classroom. From here we will be escalating quickly to more and more advanced spells (for your year level) to hopefully prepare you for the next years’ club (given that we don’t have another Polly incident). The club will be open to all years right from First years all the way up to Sixth. There will also be tutoring available for those who feel that their casting could use a bit of work! We will also hold a smaller practice club the first week of term and semi-regular sessions throughout the year for anyone who feels that they are under- performing and wishes to get some extra practice in before the next meeting of the club. If you’re feeling a bit rusty with your wand work, feel free to come to any of the first week classes to pour some oil on those joints and get back to your old dueling self. I’m going to say that this is not going to be easy. It will be fun, yeah, but our purpose here is to teach you some good spells to use on each other good defensive techniques that are in no way meant to be used on other pupils, especially not the Gryffindors! I personally will not tolerate any Slytherin who may want to give a deserving Gryffindor a taste of a small jinx… absolutely none. I was not told to write this by Professor McGonagall... You should be warned that you may get injured in this club. No, in fact, you will get injured in this club, there is no avoiding that. But if you want to learn some good magic and have a laugh with your friends maybe slightly injure a Gryffindor or two (kidding!) then grab your cloak and your wand and get yourself down to the Hogwarts Dueling Club! 53
QUIBBLER SPORTS INSERT
ELBOWSSS PRESENTS
HOGWARTS WEREWOLVES THE HIGHLIGHTS Every month, players gather at /r/HogwartsWerewolves to participate in a cutthroat game of eliminations. Each game is run by a new set of facilitators with a new theme. The participants are divided into teams of Good and Evil and are given the task to vote out the Evil. Evil must blend in and survive to the end, and Good must seek them out by using nothing more than the behavior of the players and their own instincts. Paranoia runs high, alliances are made, and backs are stabbed. What has happened since the last issue of The Quibbler?
December: The Hunger Games
Hosted by: starflashfairy, k9centipede, and kaybee41906 An unconventional game of Rock/Paper/Scissors rounded off the year. Every player had the ability to Sleep/ Spy/Kill with the contingency that they could not choose the same action twice in a row. An alliance formed; some players joined believing it to be a true alliance while others used it to gain intel. Whatever the motivation for joining, it led to the largest massacre in Werewolf history: 17 players died in a single night. Gifts from the sponsors played an integral role, and finally a showdown between /u/Osenyu, /u/Penultima, and /u/Sumruv, and /u/findthesky ended the game. Only one could be victorious. Results: /u/Penultima wins! MVPs: Penultima 54
SPORTS INSERT QUIBBLER
January: Survivor
Hosted by: elbowsss, oomps62, and Moostronus Jeff Probst began by separating the players into five mini-games of werewolf. Players were sorted based on previous play styles: Order, Chaos, Dynamic, and two full “tribes” of newbies. The veteran players became caricatures of themselves: Order began a player spreadsheet immediately, and Chaos quickly descended into a cult of madness. At the merge, the balance of good to evil was nearly perfect, but in the end, good triumphed. As a bonus, the player that survived until the end were given the opportunity to participate in a round of Final Tribal Council where the dead players voted on the person they thought played the best game. Results: Castaways (town) win; /u/Ashtonwestenberg is Sole Survivor!
February: Parks and Recreation
Hosted by: sletrab07, findthesky, and k9centipede Luring players with promises of a unique role for every player, this month’s game brought the players to Pawnee for a Parks & Rec themed game of Werewolf. Three factions based on Werewolves, Vampires, and Townspeople competed on a set schedule to take control of the town. Town events kept the players on their toes, and a gossip mechanism allowed limited covert communication. This particular theme kept everyone on their toes until the winners emerged. Results: Librarians (vampires) win! MVPs: /u/Mrrrrh, /u/dancingonfire, and the Librarians! Interested in playing? Signups typically go up at the end of each month, so keep your eyes open for announcements in your common rooms, or remember to check r/HogwartsWerewolves! April: The Dark Tower May: Panem June: TBA
Hosted by /u/Moostronus, /u/DancingonFire, /u/spludgiexx Hosted by /u/tana-ryu and /u/waygookin_saram Hosted by /u/andreaslordos and /u/isolatedintrovert 55
QUIBBLER INSERT
WIZARD DRANK By: /u/ryan814
In the wizarding world, we have many many many different varieties of alcoholic beverages to conume, eash one gently tickling the tongue, caressing the palate as it flows down your throat and into your monstroush belly. Each different wizard drink has a different effect. Some of these effects are much more dramatic than others. Editor’s Note: While we pride ourselves on our ability to correct the sneakiest of typoes, this article was left largely untouched in order to offer the writer creative license. It was written by an exceedingly drunk Irishman. You have been warned.
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EDUCATION QUIBBLER
1
First we will start with FIRE WHISKY!! Now this fella was made by an unknown wizard who was probably named Alcoholus McDrinky. This particular brand is enchanted to send a warm shiver down your throat, giving you a large blast of courage as if you wanted to be a Gryffindor. The burning sensation travels from your mouth all the way down near your anose, giving you a swift burn (OW). The firewhisky patent has been stolen and off-branded by multiple companies such as Odgen McCider and Blishens O’Beer. They have thouraghly ripped off the good name of (probably) Alcoholus McDrinky and honestly should probably be eliminated.
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3
CHOCOLATE LIQUEUERE!! This was manufactured by Augustus Gloop after he visited Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. His experience there caised him to become obsessed with chocolate anf the factory, however he wasn’t allowed to go back, so he opened a drink comapny. He thought that he could maybe sneak himself in in a bottle (little did he know that Willy and the child that won didnt drink! What a ffol!) The first recorded record it is that The Fat Lady ans her friend were caught probably extremely drunk (like myself rn but im just a littl so its fine). The chocolate liquere is said to taste like chocolate and may even turn into candies if you’re lucky, jusy so you can sneak it into a non frinking area (like Hogwarts).
M-M-M-Meaddddd! Thats right, the one that stareted it all is mad eby a european wizard by the name of Thatris Mead. The original mead was produced by some dodgy methods including at least one dementor and a time turner for fermentation. Many companies have tried to sell on the mead name but they’re all pretty crappy compared to Thatirs’ OG drink. The mead was milked frin the udders of a cow. Not just any cow, but a magicow drunk on muggle whisky. Mead roughly translated to: “tjatthe place you drink one will be home.”
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QUIBBLER EDUCATION
4 5
Next we have a tasty Dragon Brandy. This was made by notorious mass drinker Rubeus Hagrid. He intended this drink to just messh anyone up who even attempted to drink it, and it worked! I mean, even DumbleD got with McGonagall under the influence of this dirty drank (what a scnadle amirite??). This was originally made while H-dog was making Norebert(a) and decided to milk her or something, being the wild man he is. Hagrid decided to share this with Harry and his friends, and they went crazy! Thus was born the Dragon Brandy! Finally, Cardinal Cider was made by a priest that got a little too bored with the abbey. He started an underground brewing soceity and stared makedng Cider. This preist is also known ad the FAT FRIAR. HUFFLEPUFF BREWING CLUB CONFIMED. The cider is said to make one very Holy and even able to non verbally cast a spel no matter what one’s level is. It leaves a slightly tangy afterstaste and can be bitter-sweet. The Cardinal Cider is for filthy magic casuals who want to seem more magic. It can be sold to Squibs and the spell effect still counts.
This has been brought to you by a drunk Wozard from Slytherin who may or may not be the prefect we’ll never know. *editor’s note: actually, we DO know it was you, Ryan. Because you signed it when you submitted it.
Happy drinknon g everyone! Glossary of Terms (as best as we can tell) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
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Alcoholus McDrinky - A made-up name given to the creator of Fire Whisky. Augustus Gloop - Creator of Chocolate Liqueuere. Cardinal Cider - Seems to be the cure-all for squibs. Chocolate Liqueuere - First given to a portrait instead of a real person. Tastes like chocolate. Dragon Brandy - Came straight from the teat of a dragon that was thought to be male at the time (???). Fire Whisky - Enchanted to send a warm shiver from your mouth to your (nose/anus). Hufflepuff Brewing Club - A secret (?) club of drunk Hufflepuffs. Magicow - A cow that is also magic. Mead - Production includes a dementor and a time turner. Must be milked from the udders of a drunk magicow. Translates to “tjatthe place you drink one will be home.” Recorded Record - A record that was recorded. Rubeus Hagrid - A notorious Mass Drinker. Apparently also known as H-Dog. Ryan814 - Extremely drunk but just a little so it’s fine. (Thatirs/Thatris) Mead - The OG creator of Mead. The Fat Friar - Creator of Cardinal Cider and member of the Hufflepuff Brewing Club. (Wixard/Wozard) - An intoxicated wizard. See also: Ryan814.
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QUIBBLER EDUCATION
Harry PotteR
in Utrecht is Loved by Muggles and Wizards Alike ELDIS WRITES: Last February 11th marked the day of the opening of the Harry Potter Expo in Utrecht, The Netherlands. The well-known museum has been traveling the world since 2009, visiting over a dozen cities. Though most of the items are non-magical replicas, the museum is still very popular by muggles and wizards alike. It displays many important items used by the Boy who Lived as well as items used to make the famous movies about his fight against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. The exhibition was opened by James and Oliver Phelps, well known wizards who portrayed the famous Fred and George Weasley on muggle-screen. The snow and icy temperatures did not stop a huge crowd from gathering to see the opening, and with a simple ‘Bombarda’ spell -for safety performed with fake wands- confetti was released over the waiting crowd. After several interviews with muggle-press, the twins also had time to talk to the Quibbler about seeing all the stuff from this important piece of Wizard History. “It is still weird to see the props being treated like it’s old Egyptian art.” Oliver Phelps jokes. “On set we just threw around with our costumes, here everything is handled very carefully and put behind glass.” “I really like the skiving snackboxes,” James adds, “Which is what Fred and George give the kids to get out of school. The attention to detail that has gone into that is mind boggling to see.” Oliver laughs. “Yeah. One of the ladies giving us a tour was saying ‘look at the detail on this’ and it was kind of funny cause I was like, ‘Oh I remember dropping that.’ That’s where that detail came from.”
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The queue for entering is long, but once inside muggles can fawn over the fake wands and time-turners. They can feast their eyes upon some original newspapers (magicked to have non-moving pictures) and a few of the Educational Degrees sent out by Umbridge (those that did not burn when Mr. and Mr. Weasley made their famous escape from Hogwarts halfway through their seventh year). Wizards awe at the piece of parchment on which the original members of the famous Dumbledore’s Army signed their names. Fans of the Chudley Cannons can see a real signed shirt, begrudgingly handed over to the expo by Ron Weasley himself. Also on display is Mr. Potter’s original Hogwarts acceptance letter and the case for the Goblet of Fire. Though the traveling museum is small and does contain more replicas than originals, it is still a feast to visit for all who are interested in the school years of the Boy Who Lived.
QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, & HOBBIES
/r/WandSmith: The next big thing INVESTIGATED BY ELBOWSSS
Y
et another “anonymous” note led me to Diagon Alley. Like any good reporter, I was wearing a full disguise: Halloween-patterned oven mitts, safety goggles, and a cape. After all, when you receive an invitation to a SECRET SOCIETY, proper etiquette says that you should absolutely NOT do anything to draw suspicion to those that invited you. At least, I’m assuming that is the proper etiquette. I was standing in the middle of the busy alley being as inconspicuous as I could as I looked up at the building. The note had included a crude drawing of a tiny shop with two more floors stacked on top like a stack of blocks a toddler would have put together. It swayed slightly in the spring breeze. It struck me that I had been here before, though the shop had looked quite different only four months ago. For one, I only remembered the one level. Ground level. For another, it hadn’t moved every time the wind blew. But the place still looked clean enough, and I had a job to do. The doors were propped open to invite in the fresh air, and I sidled through them so that I didn’t brush against the bell that would alert Mathias Greyjoy of my arrival. One of my oven mitts fell off into the entrance, but I didn’t stop to retrieve it. It was too hot to be wearing the damn things anyway. I blinked as I peered around the dimly-lit shop, hoping I could catch Mathias off guard with my sudden entry; people never do interestingly illicit things when they know they are being watched. As my eyes adjusted, I spotted him sitting at a table in the back while he worked on a pile of inscriptions. A unique one Q: When did you build the spacious and totally stable additions? Are they held up by magic, or should we be consider moving this meeting elsewhere? A: They were here when I first moved in, though I had only purchased the top and ground levels. I recently decided to just buy the middle floor to even everything out, and now I’ve found an excellent use for it! I’m sure the building is held up by every type of construction magic, and I’ve added quite a few of my own spells to personalize the location. 62
was placed in each of the long, thin boxes, detailing the make of the wand that accompanied it. Mathias was decidedly normal. It was time to get to work. “GOOD AFTERNOON, MATHIAS.” He looked up at me calmly, but I could tell by his totally impassive face that I had really startled him. I had been putting on my best sneaking skills, after all. “Welcome back, elbowsss!” He stood to shake my hand. “Would you please accio that lovely oven mitt I noticed you drop on your way in? I like to keep my shop tidy for those that need new wands!” “Yeah, yeah.” I flicked my wand and sent the mitt flying into the street. It landed in front of a stooped witch, who looked around confused before she stepped over it and continued on her way. I spread out some parchment over Mathias’ desk so we could get started, and he sat back down on the opposite side. “Let’s get started. I need to hear all about this SECRET SOCIETY you’ve formed!” Always the gentleman, he smiled warmly back at me. “What would you like to know?” Q: What purpose does each floor serve? A: My second floor is where I’ve decided r/Wandsmith will meet regularly. I still need to add some decor and furnishings, but it’s a pretty great space for our purposes. On the third floor (top) Is where I live, I find the swaying relaxing, reminiscent of a ship leaning back and forth. Q: So about this SECRET SOCIETY… would you say that this is VERY privileged information you will be sharing with me today? Would you be willing
CRAFTS, BREWS, & HOBBIES QUIBBLER to write my editor to let her know how trustworthy you find me? A: Ahh I wouldn’t say it’s VERY privileged, but it’s certainly information privy to Wandmakers and students of Wandlore. As to your trustworthiness, my question for you is do trustworthy people usually skulk around in poorly made disguises? (I say this peering over my thick rimmed spectacles.)
fully, I find myself sharing knowledge all the time, but still learning as well. Wandlore is constant and ever changing, so I’m always learning new things. Q: What inspires you to provide every 11-year-old with a custom wand? A: To experience the same joy I experienced when I received my first wand.
Wandlore is constant and ever changing, so I’m always learning new things.
Q: Now I KNOW you’re joking! Let’s move on. What inspired you to open up the Wandsmith club? A: After our dear friend Garrick retired I came to the conclusion that Wandmaking is becoming a dying art. So I’ve decided to create a sort of order of extraordinary Wandmakers to preserve what knowledge we students of Wandlore have collected. Q: Is Wandsmith a for-profit organization? A: Absolutely not. Additionally, we discourage self promotion at r/Wandsmith.
Q: What has been your favorite wand (not created by you)? A: A beautiful Yew wand I commissioned my Co-Founder u/raxinuscavum to make for my collection!
Q: Do any of the wandmakers you’ve met so far use materials or combinations that you find questionable? A: Uhh not questionable per se, but I have noticed quite a few woods and cores I myself would probably stay away from in the realms of Wandlore. But Wandlore is always changing and evolving so I’m open to everything!
Q: Have any of the new techniques you’ve heard about made you uncomfortable? Q: How often do you host meetings? Or is it more of A: Not at all. My Wandmaker mentor taught me to be an open door policy? confidant in my work. Mykew was one of the best... A: The Workshop is always open to respectful WandmakQ: With so many wands laying around, I imagine ers who want to share their work with each other. Just that accidental magic is no stranger to Wandsmith. please be aware that I sleep upstairs! What is the funniest thing that has ever happened? Q: Since this is a new endeavor, some wandmakers might feel wary of coming to your shop and sharing their techniques. What do you do to put their mind at ease? Cookies? Coffee? Booze? Veritaserum? A: Only two of those four options (though I shan’t tell you which). We all started at the same place, usually with sticks and a knife, so there’s no shame in asking questions and being open to your newness as a Wandmaker. Q: What are the benefits of so many wandmakers sharing techniques? A: We keep the art alive, and make sure skills do not become lost to history.
A: I could tell you a story involving a Dogwood wand, too many bottles of Dragon Barrel Brandy, and a large murder of Crows… But I wouldn’t want to embarrass anyone. Q: Finally, for those that are interested, how can they join your SECRET SOCIETY OF WANDMAKERS? A: All you have to do is head over to r/Wandsmith, we’re open to everyone (though we hope you come with intentions of sharing wands). Choose from one of our flair options and enjoy the workshop!
At that, I sat down my quill and began to roll up the Q: Do you tell your group EVERYthing about your parchment I’d been writing on. Yet again, Mathias had technique, or are there any parts that you are keep- successfully navigated even the most difficult questions. ing secret in order to keep your wands unique? His charm was not lost on me, but I knew there had to A: I probably only share 10% of MY knowledge with be more going on here. Perhaps the Wandsmith meetings other Wandmakers. Otherwise the market would be too were used to traffick illegal magical creature parts. Maybe saturated, and I will lose all my special secrets! I think they were putting their heads together to create the next we all keep those secrets of what make our wands truly Deathstick. More likely than that, they could be trying to unique. map out the location of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack Q: Are you simply harvesting ideas from others in in order to harvest their horns for their magical powers. order to create the most superior wand? It might take another interview or six, but this reporter A: Haha, I already believe my wands are superior! Truthwill get to the bottom of it! 63
QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, & HOBBIES
the w ands of draco, hermione, and harry mathias_Greyjoy
W
ell hello there! My name is Mathias_Greyjoy and I have the honour to be the resident Wandmaker here at the Quibbler, and the owner of Wolfwood Mill. I am merely a humble craftsman who bares a lifelong (although some would call it an obsession) desire to craft beautiful handmade magic wands for Witches and Wizards like you! Wands created by Wolfwood Mill are certified to be made of the actual wood they are listed as. No two wands are the same. Every wand is a one-of-a-kind creation that is sure to make any Witch, Wizard, or Warlock smile. They make exceptional gifts! What sets Wolfwood Mill apart from other wandmakers is that our wands have real cores! A magical substance finds itself inside each of our wands. Please be aware that animals are not harmed in any way while collecting the cores. Welcome back noble students of Wandlore, In this issue have a special treat for you! I am proud to present to you the wands of three famous Hogwarts students!
Draco Malfoy
The wand of Draco Malfoy: 10” long, and crafted from Hawthorn wood, containing the tail hair of a Unicorn. The great Wandmaker Mykew Gregorovitch wrote that Hawthorn “makes a strange, contradictory wand, as full of paradoxes as the tree that gave it birth, whose leaves and blossoms heal, and yet whose branches smell of death” I have followed Gregorovitch’ work closely and I can report that Hawthorn does indeed produces a rather strange, unpleasant smell when freshly cut. Most interestingly, I have noted Hawthorn is attracted to those surrounded by turmoil and conflicted feelings. It is of course widely known that Unicorn hair produces particularly faithful and obedient wands, they have been know to “die” if mishandled by anyone other than their owner, giving them the well deserved reputation of supreme loyalty they deserve. 64
CRAFTS, BREWS, & HOBBIES QUIBBLER
ione Granger Herm
The wand of Hermione Granger: 10 ¾" long, A dragon heartstring core is enclosed in a body of vine wood. Vine, which the ancient druids used in the crafting of their wands has been continued by the most skilled wandmakers. They are much less common than other woods, and are drawn to those of concealed personalities and depths, and who frequently astound those who think they know them best. The heartstrings of dragons produce wands with the most sheer power, boasting much magical heft. They are well suited to all manner of combative magic, and to Transfiguration. This is a hot headed core, not one you would want for subtlety, as dragon heartstring is the most prone to accidents, being somewhat temperamental. Harry Potter
And last but not least, the wand of Harry Potter: 11” long, containing a single feather from the tail of Albus Dumbledore’s magnificent phoenix, Fawkes. This wand was made from the wood of the holly tree, whose timber is particularly rare in wands, but potently powerful. They are known for choosing wizards and witches of spiritual natures. I have noted that holly wands often have impetuous masters, and have difficulty containing anger. They are attracted to those surrounded by danger, which is lucky, for holly produces particularly protective magic. Holly and phoenix feather is notoriously difficult to match together, the wood is volatile, and mixes strangely with the isolation and detachment of the creature it comes from. In the unusual event of such a pairing finding its ideal match, however, nothing and nobody should stand in their way.
Stay tuned loyal students of Wandlore for more lessons and sneak peeks into the work of the Master Wandmaker himself.
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Exploding Pumpkin Pasties
A
by Marx0r h, April Fool’s Day. That one day a year where all social norms go out the window, leaving us free to mercilessly torment each other in the form of pranks. And what better way of pranking people than giving them food that explodes in their face?
INGREDIENTS: * 1 cup very cold unsalted butter
* 1 cup heavy cream
* 2.5 cups AP flour, plus extra for rolling
* 1 tbsp ground sage
* Coarse Kosher salt
* 1 tbsp ground nutmeg
* 1 tsp sugar
* 1 tbsp dark chili powder
* 1 tbsp cayenne
* 1 cinnamon stick
* 1/4 cup ice water
* 1 bay leaf
* 1 whole egg
* 1 pound pumpkin meat
* 3 egg yolks
* 1/3 cup grated parmesan cheese
For the dough:
1. Grate the butter, and put in freezer for 15 minutes. 2. Combine 2.5 cups of AP flour, sugar, cayenne, and pinch of salt in mixing bowl. 3. Add approximately half the butter and mix in with your hands until consistent. 4. Add the rest of the butter and mix until mealy and consistent again. 5. Add some water and knead just until the dough comes together - you may not need all of the water. 6. Split the dough in half, form each into disks and wrap in plastic wrap. Chill in fridge for at least an hour. 67
QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, & HOBBIES
While the dough chills:
1. Mix together the egg yolks, sage, nutmeg, and chili powder. 2. Roll a wet rag up and form a circle with it on kitchen counter. Set the bowl on top. 3. Put cream in saucepot on high heat until cream starts to boil. 4. While whisking egg mixture, slowly pour cream in. 5. Add bay leaf and cinnamon to mixture. 6. Fill saucepot halfway with water and put on high heat. When water starts to simmer, lower heat and put mixing bowl on top to form double-boiler. 7. Stir the mixture continuously until it sticks to the back of the wooden spoon. 8. Take off the heat and mix in parmesan cheese. You may need to return to heat briefly to melt cheese. 9. Mix in pumpkin to make pasty filling.
Assembly:
1. Take one half of the dough out of the fridge. 2. Flour your hands, a rolling pin, and kitchen counter. 3. Roll the dough out thinly, and punch out circles. 4. Put about a tablespoon of filling in each circle. 5. Fold circles in half to form a crescent-shape. 6. Crimp edges with a fork. 7. Repeat steps 1-6 with the other dough half.
Baking:
1. Preheat oven to 400 F. 2. Place pasties on a heavily-greased sheet pan. 3. Cut a slash on the top of each pasty. 4. Mix up the egg and add a small amount of water. 5. Brush egg wash on top of each pasty. 6. Sprinkle with salt. 7. Bake for 30 minutes or until golden-brown.
When you remove the pasties from the oven, be VERY SURE to remove any pasties that have broken open. These are unsecured explosives and are prone to spontaneous combustion. Once the pasties have cooled, serve them to your closest friends! They’ll be sure to laugh along with you once their vocal chords heal. 68
CASTLES & BURROWS QUIBBLER
SIRMEOWMIXXALOT
WIRE-FIRE Hello, intrepid readers, and welcome to this edition of Castles & Burrows, your guide to improved comfort in your home! Today, I wish to tackle an issue but first I must confess something about how I came to find the subject of this article: I have been frequenting Muggle cafes. There, it’s out in the open. I don’t know how they do it without magic, dear readers, but these energizing brews they concoct are otherworldly. It was in one of these cafes I started hearing about the latest Muggle fad: it seems they’ve discovered something called Wire Fire, and expect it to be freely available while they nose through novels, consume delicious drinks and look loftily off into space. I am happy to inform you I began an intensive research and experimental project at bringing this Wire Fire to the Wizarding World, and improving on it. I’m still working on the improvement part, but I would like to discuss what I’ve learned here.
WIRE FIRE: HAZARDOUS FOR YOUR HEALTH Muggles have an interesting vernacular, let me tell you. This Wire Fire (hereafter, WiFi, for short) has a pretty distinctive sigil: it appears to be a very simplistic blue fire. This made little sense until I overheard mention of Bluetooth. This got me thinking - this must be a magical creature! I delved into the common and respected literature on the subject but found nothing. Another dead end, yes, but don’t think I gave up so soon! It dawned on me that Muggles probably have their own language for creatures they don’t understand. Back to the texts I went, and only then did it become clear - of course they were referring to the Swedish Short-Snout. “But how on earth did Muggles harness that power for home (and cafe) improvement?” you’re probably wondering. Unfortunately, that was not the first thing I thought. Instead, I took my leave to seek out this beautiful dragon. Suffice it to say, this did not go well for me and I am still seeking treatment for my injuries. Please do not attempt to harness a Swedish Short-Snout, nor steal his fire. They do not take very kindly to it at all.
SLAVES TO THE WIRE FIRE LORD, BLUETOOTH While on the mend, the sensible question came to me. This was an even tougher problem to suss out the solution for, so I returned to the nearest cafe for one of those fascinating cups of liquid energy. This trip, I notice that all the Muggles are very similar in behavior. It led me to believe that WiFi may, in fact, be a Dark magic, one meant to enslave Muggles. Here, I determined Bluetooth was not a dragon but in fact the chosen name of a Dark Wizard. It does seem Muggles are obsessed with the WiFi - they ask about it regularly at every cafe I’ve visited. I’ve been to many at this point… for research, so I am confident in saying it is a widespread phenomenon. Who is this Bluetooth, and what is his endgame? What is this WiFi, and what does it do? The short answer is, I still don’t know. I’ve heard mention of a Whirled, Wild Web but after my encounter with the dragon, I don’t think I’m quite prepared to face an acromantula or similar creature. I can only express caution, sweet readers, to avoid this marking wherever you see it:
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HOGWARTS HORROR-SCOPES Madam Starflash Sees what (mis)fortunes will befall you this season!
CAPRICORN THE THESTRAL
TAURUS THE WEREWOLF
VIRGO THE UNICORN
(DEC. 22ND — JAN. 19TH)
(APRIL 20TH — MAY 20TH)
(AUGUST 23RD — SEPT. 22ND)
Ah, Capricorn, you will want to cast the Gemino spell on your house keys. as you may not be able to find the first set tomorrow. They will be dipped in a Shrinking Solution when you’re not looking. Constant vigilance!
Taurus, make sure you double-check that self-inking quill pen of yours, or you may find it switched with a smart-answer quill, which will result in a terrible, though hilarious, misunderstanding involving your latest report.
AQUARIUS THE KELPIE
GEMINI THE VEELA
My dear Virgo, your purchase of a Patented Daydream Charm from Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes last Tuesday has been tampered with. Should you try to use it, rather than finding yourself in a wonderful daydream involving that handsome pirate, you will be trapped in a horrible nightmare which will cause you to relive every awkward moment of your life repeatedly.
(JAN. 20TH — FEB. 18TH)
(MAY 21ST — JUNE 20TH)
Dearest Aquarius, don’t purchase that tea set you’ve had your eyes on for a few weeks. The cups bite noses, the kettle squirts boiling water, and the sugar bowl is missing. Your tea party will be an absolute disaster. Buy the blue patterned ones, even if you are quite partial to the pink set.
Gemini, I highly suggest that you skip the soup at that party; when everyone else's ears are steaming from the Pepper-Up potion, yours will be quite cool. Also mind the cream puffs and the Cauldron Cakes. In fact, it would be best if you just bring your own food.
PISCES THE MERMAN
CANCER THE FIRECRAB
(FEB.19TH — MARCH 20TH)
(JUNE 21ST — JULY 22ND)
Pisces, when you find yourself in the Ministry delivering a package on the third Wednesday of next month, beware the fourth floor. A portable swamp will be used, and nobody will be able to remove the effects. You’ll have much better luck leaving the package on the fifth floor and letting them deal with it.
Cancer, dear, do not eat those chocolates that were delivered to you on Valentine's Day without a card! It's actually a cleverly disguised box of U-No-Poo, which strengthens over time. Hidden U-No-Poo can be more dangerous than a hidden love potion.
ARIES THE HIPPOGRIFF (MARCH 21ST — APRIL19TH)
nd Bill's girlfrie
LEO THE SPHINX
(SEPT. 23RD — OCT. 22ND) Libra, take care when entering your home two weeks from Thursday. Your Weasley’s Wildfire Whizbangs will have set off accidentally and if you open your door too wide, the whole neighborhood will be in absolute chaos from the fireworks that will escape. Your neighbors will thank you for your caution.
SCORPIO THE VAMPIRE (OCT. 23RD — NOV. 21ST) Scorpio, darling, you should be on high alert after you receive that promotion at the Ministry. (Congratulations!) Your rival in the department who wanted that position as much as you did will offer you some candy. Do not eat it unless you want your tongue to swell to the size of your desk.
(JULY 23RD — AUGUST 22ND)
Leo, I must warn you, it is vital that you keep Oh, Aries, avoid Diagon Alley on the eve of the a tight hold on your wand. There's an epidemfull moon next month if you value your hearing ic of fake wands going on right now, and you at all. Someone plans to let off a bag of Decoy never know who's out to have a little fun at your Detonators as they allow their Niffler to pickpock- expense. You will find yourself in St. Mungo’s et the entire street. You will absolutely not be able with a horrible burn if you place your wand on the to hear for two weeks afterwards if you go to pick counter at noon next Friday. up that firecrab at the Menagerie that day.
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LIBRA THE DRAGON
SAGITTARIUS THE CENTAUR (NOV. 22ND — DEC. 21ST) My fellow Sagittarius, you must be on high alert, for this is the season when Nifflers are most likely to be levitated in through the windows of your office. It’s important that you keep your valuables and shiny items locked up in a drawer, because those pesky little guys will tear apart your office looking for them. Don’t wear rings, they bite. Trust me; I learned the hard way...twice.
K9'S KILLER CROSSWORDS!
ACROSS 3 8 10 12 14 15
What color is the basilisk? A statue of WHAT blocks passage to the Headmaster’s office at Hogwarts? A WHAT is a glass sphere that contains smoke that turns red when its owner has forgotten something. In the Special Effects section of Honeydukes, there were peppermint creams shaped like WHAT? According to the Sorting Hat, in which House will you make your real friends? During their first Transfiguration finals, McGonagall had her students turn mice into WHAT?
SOLUTION HERE
DOWN 1
According to their Divination homework, Ron will lose a treasured possession on Tuesday because of WHAT planet? 2 When Lockhart was first at Hogwarts, he tried give Hagrid some advice on how to get WHAT out of the school wells? 4 A WHAT is a type of magical plant, where the visible part resembles a large thick black squirming slug. 5 What is the name of the cover name for BuckBeak? 6 Dean and Seamus were collecting money from fellow students to purchase WHAT for an After-Exams celebration? 7 While a student, Hagrid was rumored to sneak off to the Forbidden Forest to wrestle WHAT? 9 After the Triwizard Tournament, where does Fleur get a job? 11 What color pajamas was Ron wearing when he interrupted Harry’s secret meeting with Sirius? 13 When Umbridge was supervising McGonagall's class, what were the students practicing the vanishing spell on?
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COLLECTIBLES
Collect the Magic!
Every Issue we bring you a new collection of our very own Quibbler Collectibles! Collect them all and enrich your Quibbler Experience! 72
Wise Head of Ravenclaw Hermiones_Teaspoon can often be found with a screwdriver in her hands, tightening the bolts in her favorite three-legged chair, as they keep coming loose. Hermy has an extravagant collection of Beanie Babies and Pogs. She thinks the 90’s will come back any day now. Hermy likes to unwind with a cup of hot tea and bagpipe music.
Fearless Head of Gryffindor Kiwias builds full-sized mansions out of Exploding Snap cards and attempts to live in them for as long as possible until they explode. Her current record is three days. Kiwi has a dozen kneazles that she has trained to speak Klingon. The only thing Kiwi fears is apple juice.
Head Emeritus AccioInternets loves wine and hates pants. Her favorite color is on a spectrum yet unknown to human-kind. She can often be found in the music room, teaching a Venomous Tentacula to play the French horn. Accio covers her French fries in barbecue sauce instead of dipping.
Ambitious Head of Slytherin Trekkie_Becky sleeps with an Alan Rickman body pillow every night. Becky’s hobbies include brewing potions that do the opposite of what she says they do and sneaking up on unsuspecting first-years in her Severus Snape mask. Becky has been banned from two wax museums for misconduct and is currently working on a slash fiction about Lady Gaga and the giant squid.
Kind Head of Hufflepuff Mirgaine_Life has been accused of making gluten-free cookies and passing them off as regular ones. These accusations have proved false. Mirgy’s gluten-free cookies are not actually cookies at all, but broccoli that has been magically disguised. When Mirgy is not tricking people into eating their vegetables, she enjoys playing the piano with her toes. 73
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Classifieds Reach your Prospects First
LOST AND FOUND FOUND: A BOX OF GINGER NEWTS BELONGING TO A BLOND, GREEN-EYED MALE WITH A RAVISHING BEARD BRAIDED WITH POPPIES. You told me about your lazy co-workers and how you tamper with their mail when they're not looking. Please pick up the Newts. You left them behind after passing out drunk from five bottles of Firewhiskey. I haven't tampered with them... I swear. LOST: MY DIGNITY I’ve lost this many times over, but this time I’m afraid it will never come back. It was Valentine’s Day, and I kissed the wrong woman in front of a crowd. If you were a part of that crowd, please let me know where it ran off. I fear I will never see it again. LOST: While walking through Diagon Alley, I lost my one of a kind dragon hide gloves. They are bright yellow and have the initials L. B. engraved on the side. I am offering a reward for whomever finds them! They have sentimental value! Contact Lisa by Floo at the “Bonnett’s Den.”
JOBS THE QUIBBLER IS HIRING! Do you love to write or draw? Does nobody "get" your humor? Are you a little on the loony side? The Quibbler wants YOU! NOW HIRING! Direct all employment queries to Madam Starflash, Divination Tower. HELP WANTED Help wanted at the Leaky Cauldron! Apply in store for more information. LOOKING FOR Experienced baker at Madam Puddifoot’s Tea Shop. Must be willing to work closely with cupids. Apply in Hogesmeade location.
JOB OFFER
FREE NIFFLER
IN MEMORIAM
Help! I have a bowtruckle infestation in my backyard. I need somebody to get rid of them all ASAP! I am willing to pay 5 galleons. Contact me by floo at the “Gardensby-the-sea.”
Free niffler to good home. Great for taking on treasure hunts! Is house trained and a cuddler. Contact Emma by Floo at the “Darling Abode.”
With incredible sorrow we announce the untimely death of our dear reporter: Eldis 28/04/199807/03/2017 Having graduated from Hogwarts last year, this promising Ravenclaw had a bright future ahead of her as writer for the Quibbler. She will be missed by the entire staff. The Funeral will be held in the chapel in Godrics Hollow on 10/03/2017 at 10:30. Eldis will be buried in the Wizard's graveyard. Our thoughts go out to her family and friends.
LOOKING FOR Animal lovers with fostering experience. Recently, several illegal dragon breeders have been caught and now we need dragon foster parents. Enjoy an exciting time with fierce, but loving creatures. You will hand feed them and bond with them at their earliest stages while we find sanctuaries for them. Must have received an Exceeds Expectations in Care of Magical Creatures N.E.W.T.S. Contact Sarah at the “Dragon Sanctuary” post in Diagon Alley.
FOR SALE WANDS OF EVERY ASSORTMENT We've got Beech. We've got Yew. We've got Red Oak, English Oak, Walnut, Ebony, and Dogwood Pine! We've got it all! British supreme cores available (Unicorn Hair, Phoenix Feather, Dragon Heartstring). Pleased to introduce new American Cores (Rougarou fang, Thunderbird Feather, River Monster Spine)! Special never-before-seen core now available: Selma horn! For more information visit Wolfwood Mill 931 Diagon Alley, London, UK, or contact Mathias_Greyjoy by Owl post. ORIGINAL 1993 FIREBOLT Condition: Used Great for Quidditch, escaping from Dragons, as well as Voldemort and his followers. Free of all hexes, jinxes, and curses. The unbreakable breaking charm is still intact. The Goblin-made ironwork shows no wear. The ebony handle shows light wear, and the hazel twig tail has been well maintained. Comes with gold registration number, two display stands (either to display on a table or the wall), and a gold compass. Interested parties should owl Mr. Harry Potter and ONLY HIM! THIS IS NOT A JOKE!
WANTED RARE WAND WOODS Currently in the process of amassing a collection of wands made of every kind of wood. Missing only Acacia, Chestnut, Elder, Hazel, Cypress, Hornbeam, Pear, Rowan, Sycamore, Swamp Mayhaw. If you have any of these woods please contact Mathias_Greyjoy at 931 Diagon Alley, London, UK. COMMUNITY Wandmakers! Come join us at r/ Wandsmith! We're the League of Extraordinary Wandmakers. We share and discuss all things Wands and Wandlore! 247 members and counting! We are currently meeting at 931 Diagon Alley, London, UK on the second floor. NOT THE THIRD AS THAT IS WHERE I LIVE. LOOKING FOR: Recent Hogwarts graduate seeks part time job as gardener. I have an Outstanding in my Herbology N.E.W.T.S and hope to continue with my studies of magical plants. Floo Daisy at “The Green House number five.” HAPPY PERSON Do you have a wand, experience with the Patronus Charm and plenty of happy memories to tap from? Then you are the witch or wizard we need! Send and owl post haste to Chance Alley 48!
PERSONALS HOT STALLION LOOKING FOR ROMANCE Centaur seeking a sweet and delicate fawn that he can call his own. The height of Venus draws nigh. At the Lake of Wonder I shall wait with yearning. The Fates have already decided. You know who you are. Make haste!
ATTENTION: Single witches, are you looking for the wizard of your dreams? Look no further? Tall, dark and handsome wizard is actively searching for that special witch. Meet me in Diagon Alley’s Leaky Cauldron. I’ll be wearing a jaunty suit. MISSED CONNECTION: I was at the Appleby Arrows vs Ballycastle Bats Quidditch Match. I went to get a fried Frolicker and a butterbeer and I ran into you on the way back. I spilled my butterbeer all over your Ballycastle Bats jersey. (I am still so sorry!) You smiled and offered to buy me a new butterbeer. We talked for a moment before
BUSINESS APRIL FOOLS SALE!! WWW is having a sale for April Fools! Now is the chance to stock up for the long awaited date! Prank your friends and family now! Bring this classified and receive a 50% discount on any one item! ANNUAL GARDEN COMPETITION Diagon alley’s annual garden gala will take place March 25th at 10:00 AM in The Herbology Cafe.. We will be flooing to each competitor's garden and grading on greenery, color, and creativity. Please join us! ATTENTION: Signature Floo is open for business! Tired of having a boring and drab Floo name? Stop by Signature Floo for a personalized Floo name. We are located on the corner of Municip- alley and Eidetic-Alley. Walk ins welcome! 77
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