Q&A RELATIONSHIP

Relationships Can't live with them, can't live without them They form the basis of most of our conversations with friends, colleagues, random nosy aunties and so the list goes on

But sometimes, relationships can get tough and we don't know where to turn. Never fear, we've got you sorted.

Relationship and Sex therapist Charisse Peters is here to answer all your difficult relationship questions.

My wife and I have been married for over 10 years. In the last 2 years however, I have been unhappily married. On the outside we look like the perfect family but that is far from the truth I have tried to bring this up to my wife multiple times but every time I am shut down.

My next step is to suggest going to therapy but how can I bring this up to my traditional Jamaican wife?

Don’t be afraid to contact more than one therapist that you ’ re interested in, and ask any questions you may have This will help you decide if they are a good match Lots of therapists offer a free informal chat This is a commitment free opportunity to tell them about any ambivalence you have

Approach your wife with patience and empathy

AIt’s clear you're reluctant to suggesting therapy to your wife Before speaking to her ask yourself what might be holding you back? What fears and concerns might you have about couple’s therapy?

It’s important that you understand your own barriers about attending therapy so that you re careful not to project those onto your partner It may also help you empathise with your partner s resistance to therapy and can help you approach it from a more compassionate and understanding place Once you are clear, consider how you feel it may benefit the relationship Perhaps you feel you’d benefit from an impartial third party who can offer a fresh perspective on the relationship and any issues you both have

Maybe you ’ re hoping to rekindle the intimacy in the relationship or improve the communication Share this with your wife Let her know how important the relationship is to you and how you think therapy may improve your relationship and why that matters so much to you Ask her how she feels about it listen attentively and discuss how you might be able to support her through any concerns she may have for attending therapy

If the cultural identity or background of a therapist is important to you both consider looking for your therapist at the Black and Asian therapy Network (baatn org uk) They have a directory of therapists from Black and Asian backgrounds You might suggest viewing the profiles of therapists together Profiles will often have photographs, provide details of qualifications, and outline the way the therapist works This can help you get a sense of what each therapist offers

Choose a time when she isn t busy or tired There probably won’t ever be a perfect time to bring it up but don’t allow that to become an excuse to avoid it Focus on the reasons you think couples counselling might be helpful, the things that you hope it will achieve, and how the relationship could be improved Sharing your thoughts with your partner from an optimistic place rather than as an unhappy husband might be enough for her to recognise how much you care and the potential for having a more fulfilling relationship

Is this normal? I have been married to my husband for 6 months. I come from a Christian Ghanian background and was a virgin before getting married. Nobody ever spoke to me about sex or what to expect and the majority of my friends come from similar backgrounds.

During our marriage we have only had intercourse twice. I know we are attracted to one another and love each other. I don't really know what to expect or what is normal but how can I communicate this to my husband?

ALet’s start by putting things into perspective You had sex for the first time only 6 months ago It sounds like you may have placed unrealistic expectations on yourself around your sex life after your marriage You did not mention if your partner was also a virgin when you got married He may share some of the concerns you have but you won’t know unless you speak to him

Communication is one of the ways you can begin to build trust, confidence and your sexual connection Exploring your own body through touch is also a good way to learn about yourself and share this with your partner

If masturbation conflicts with your religious beliefs, you can adapt your exploration to exclude your genitals, or practice doing it on and with your partner If you are not having as much sex as you’d like, how are you communicating your desires to your husband? How do you feel about initiating intimacy between you?

It takes time to understand your bodies, wants and desires, but this can be a fun, exciting and enriching journey. You may choose to see a professional who can help build your sexual confidence and help you identify any barriers that may be inhibiting your sex life.

There might be other contributing factors that are holding you back. Guilt and shame are often used to deter young adults from having premarital sex and often void of any discussion about what happens after marriage. Making sex a taboo can leave newlyweds feeling anxious and riddled with guilt around their own sexuality. A good therapist who is culturally competent can help you work through any sexual fears while ensuring your religious and cultural beliefs are considered and respected.

It is important that you don’t compare your journey to others You and your husband will establish what is ‘normal’ for your relationship And remember to have some fun while you ’ re doing it

Michael A.

"I just enjoyed spending time with her. The more time I spent with her, the more I knew"

Andrew S.

"Things that I would generally find annoying in other people, I didn't find annoying in her That's how I knew"

Frank E.

"She saw the potential in me and helped me bring it out. In her, I found a partner I could spend the rest of my life with"

"I never believed in "the one", but when I met her everything just made sense. I didn't want to be with anyone else."