Eggplant Edition: March 29, 2019

Volume Charli XCX, Number 40,000,000

March 29, 2019

The Woo, Masachoosetttts

Boroughs Announces 2020 Presidential Bid, Joins Crowded Democratic Primary Field Carolyn Ahern ‘20 The DC Semester, Like, Changed Her In case you haven’t been keeping up with the Democrats lately, here’s an updated list of every 2020 democratic presidential candidate, in order of their campaign announcement dates: Rep. John Delaney (DMD), entrepreneur Andrew Yang, Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI), former HUD Secretary Julian Castro, former Senator Mike Gravel (D-AK), Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA), Mayor of South Bend Pete Buttigieg, entrepreneur and former representative from California Marianne Williamson, Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ), Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-VT), Governor of Washington Jay Inslee, Governor of Colorado John Hickenlooper, Mayor of Miramar, Florida Wayne Messam, former representative, candidate for Senate, and resident hottie of the Democratic party Beto O’Rourke of Texas, Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (DNY), and…

Rev. Philip L. Boroughs, S.J.!

That’s right - the College of the Holy Cross’ very own Father Boroughs is throwing his hat in the ring to take on President Donald J. Trump in the 2020 election. Boroughs, who

Photo by Carolyn and Adobe Photoshop.

Boroughs at his campaign launch event in Sioux City.

assumed office as the 32nd president of the College in January 2012, announced his candidacy to the Holy Cross community over email on

Uncle Joey Of “Full House” Caught Bribing Holy Cro$$ to Admit Nephew Allyson Noeshgfjsasdhsbvjckx ‘19 USC Crew Team Captain

Monday night, before attending his first official campaign event at a diner in Sioux City, Iowa. He plans to run on a platform of “Jesuit ideals” and briefly mentioned Holy Cross in his remarks.

legal activity and the threat it poses to the integrity of the college admissions process. “Howwww rude,” said Oh Mylanta! Apparently Aunt Tanner.

Becky wasn’t the only one to stoop The uncharacteristically vocal to bribery to gain college admittance Olsen sisters, who played Michelle for a relative. The Spire recently un- Tanner on the ABC Family hit show, covered a paper trail that disclosed lashed out at Gladstone on Twitter, a questiontweeting, able donation “You’re in made to the big trouble College and Mister!” undisclosed If you sums of monsuspected ey that were Holy Cro$$ siphoned off w a s n ’ t to members done takof the admining money istration. The from untrail led back ethical to none othPhoto courtesy of the Holy Cross Men’s Rowing Team s o u r c e s , er than Full Uncle Joey is as skilled at photoshop as his you got it House’s Joey nephew is at rowing. dude! This Gladstone, is the secwhose nephond questionable source of income ew was conveniently admitted just for the College just this year. this year despite a dismal academic It is also rumored that “The Jo,” record. the recently unveiled colloquial nickThe Jesuit$ seemed to have turned name for the yet-to-be-built new a blind eye to morals once again, will- fieldhouse, is in fact in honor of ingly accepting the donation––which Uncle Joey and his “donation,” not is rumored to have rivaled that of Joanne Luth. the Koch Brothers––to partially fund Looks like Mr. Woodchuck can’t their Ciocca Center for Business, talk his way out of this one. We at “Ethics,” and Society.

The Spire are tired of the College’s John Stamos, “Uncle Jesse,” spoke money-hungry tendencies and have out in defense of his longtime friend one piece of advice for the adminisand co-star. “Havvvvve mercy,” said tration: Cut. It. Out. Stamos. Stephanie Tanner, however, condemned her fictional uncle’s il-

“I think Father Boroughs will make a great candidate, and a great POTUS,” said a sophomore Political Science student who got an A in

News.......................1 Opinions.................5 Features..................7 Principles of American Government Eggplant................10 last semester. “He’s got all the right Sports.....................11 qualifications - he’s had to deal with addressing the touchy subject of sexual assault, he’s trying to figure out a housing crisis in his community, and he tries so hard to seem like a relatable, average guy that he actually seems like an alien trying really hard to pretend to be human - I mean, he fits right in with all the other candidates, and every president we’ve ever had! I don’t know why he didn’t run sooner, honestly.”

This week alone, Boroughs has campaign events scheduled in Cedar Rapids, Waterloo, Des Moines, Council Bluffs, Oskaloosa, Ames, Davenport, Iowa City, and Dubuque, Iowa. When asked whether the race would affect his ability to serve as the College’s president, and if there’s a plan in place for his replacement if he wins the nomination, Boroughs simply responded, “no comment,” before asking one of his aides to look into getting a pet dog to seem “more relatable.”

Boroughs Announces Mulledy/Healy Sandwich Renaming Committee Allyson Noesaartucndhljckx ‘19 Self-proclaimed Spire Dictator Nearly three years after the eversuccessful and highly praised Mulledy/Healy Legacy Committee, which was charged with making a recommendation regarding the naming of Mulledy and Healy Halls, Father Borough$ announced a new exploratory committee––the Mulledy/ Healy Sandwich Renaming Committee.

While the formerly named Mulledy Hall has since been renamed BrooksMulledy––a carefully crafted and poignant name that would certainly not make Father Brooks roll over in his grave––the Cool Beans breakfast sandwich “The Mulledy” has remained unchanged on the Cool Beans menu boards––that is until now. The Cool Beans dorm-inspired breakfast sandwich selection, which features sandwiches like “The Wheeler” and “The Hanselman,” still bears the “The Mulledy,” a glaring inconsistency in the otherwise flawless execution of the renaming.

“I was just so disturbed by the inconsistency displayed by the College,” said one senior. “Here we were taking a hard stance on BrooksMulledy Hall, yet the sandwich name remained. Can you believe the hy-

Inside The Luth-Spire

pocrisy of it all? That would be like if we changed our mascot imagery, and still had Crusaders bearing swords plastered around campus and athletic fields a year later!”

One student praised Borough$ for his establishment of this very important exploratory committee. “One of my biggest complaints with the Borough$ administration is that we simply don’t have enough exploratory committees to talk circles around issues for months until the matter blows over all together, so I’m really glad he’s starting to take this issue seriously.”

Regardless of the decision reached by the committee, Borough$ assures that he will continue a long-held tradition of ignoring committee suggestions and will ultimately slap a hyphen on the sandwich name.

Students can expect to find the Borough$-Mulledy sandwich in Cool Beans next week––a commemorative sandwich honoring the legacies of two of the College’s finest presidents. This is one sandwich that certainly won’t leave a bitter taste in your mouth! (caveat emptor: the sandwich will no longer feature bacon as advertised, as funding for premium food items has been redirected to cover Luth Athletic Complex debt).

After the Announcment of “The Jo,” Hogan to be nicknamed “The Ho.” Page 2 Holy Cross Announces Four Year Study Abroad Program Page 4

Spring Concert Predictions!

Page 6 Eggplant: Eggplant al la Boroughs Recipe Page 10

If You Give A NARP A Gym...

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NEWS

The Koch

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The Senior Inbox “Dean Maurer to not Have Drop-in Hours Today” Concerned seniors ask, “How am I to select a major now before graduation??”

Freshman (Sorry, “First-Year”) Dorms (Sorry, “Residence Halls”) to Add 5th Floor Bthan Bachand ‘22 Soon-to-Be Non-First-Year

Following the announcement of the new residence options at the Edge, the college released plans to add additional floors to every firstyear dorm. Construction will begin immediately at the end of 2019 academic year, with the estimated completion date August 1st, 2041.

Over the past couple of years, “Urgent Information: Order Your Cap and Gown by No- the Office of Admissions has continuously accepted more students, vember 30th!” subsequently creating larger firstThis will be your last opportunity year classes. At times, it seems to order! Miss this deadline and you almost as if members of the sewill not have another opportunity. lection committee are attempting We mean it this time!! to see how far they can go with a Heart attack-inducing live countdown prank without getting caught. As to graduation! senior committee member Idont Kare, said, “If I’m lucky, I think we can push it up to 2,000 students per freshman class before

“Prestige Senior Portraits FLASH SALE” Limited time offer. 60% off for the next two decades only on all senior portraints featuring a head tilt. Act fast--Don’t delay!

March 29, 2019

someone stops and says, ‘Maybe this is going to be a problem.’”

Instead of presumptively taking the cheaper, easier, and obvious alternative of accepting less students, the college has arranged for the development of a fifth floor to every first-year dorm. Any dorm that does not have a complete fourth floor will have it extended to meet the full length of the building.

While many hoped that this change would help solve the forced triple epidemic that plagued the Class of 2022, there seems to be no solution in sight. Speaking to The Spire, the college’s Director of Delusional Construction Projects, Waist O. Monni, stated “Honestly, this is isn’t going to be as bad as everyone thinks. We’ll be able to fit twice as many forced triples, and everyone will have a blast.”

Regarding the structure of the

developments, there appears to be no plan in the blue prints for any sort of renovation to the rooms that are available. Each room will still consist of only one dim light, and water fountains on each floor are no guarantees.

The estimated $10 million renovation is set to be funded by a 3% increase to tuition cost. The blowback from this price change is expected to be minimal, as the information will be sent in an email the Bursar’s office hopes no one will notice. Any shortcomings will be covered by deductions from the performance center (duh).

When the plan was announced, the date for completion was set as the summer of 2021. However, as Math Professor Calc Ulator suggests, the suggested time frame is far off from being correct. “If you take in years of data, other build-

ings that were not built on schedule, you discover that an extra 15 years is to be added on to any project”, he said. “and with the current projection for the field house to be demolished in 17 years, the trend looks more like an added to 20 years”. Even though I may be a humanities major, I can still tell you that brings the projected completion date to the summer of 2041.

Despite the variety of other improvements the school needs, which include upgrading current resident facilities and completing other projects (arts center, anyone?), it looks as if the College of the Holy Cross plans to push forward with this plan just for another thing to put on a pamphlet.

But hey, look on the bright side: those new fifth floor residents will have a great view of Worcester.

snapshots_from_hill(27).jpeg

Photo by Hui Li.

Asbestos is the Best-os.

They’re doing asbest-as they can!

Photo by Hui Li

Freshman math student hazed for not knowing enough digits of pi.

Photo by Carolyn. Ahern

Caroline Ahearn, Chief News Editor of The Spire, gathering photos for an investigative article on why the Fenwick bathrooms are the nicest on campus.

Photo by TB12.

Following his retirement from NFL, former New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski will join the Holy Cross faculty as a case study for the neuroscience department.

Photo by Jake Bucci ‘21.

Holy Cross students, fed up with lack of protesting on campus this month, organize a protest protesting the lack of protests on campus on the Hoval last week.

The Luth-Spire student newspaper College of the Holy Cross We’ve had issues since 1925

The Luth-Spire is a non-profit, non-partisan (Ralph Nader 2020!), student publication of the College of the Holy Cross. Ya ya ok.

Email: FenwickRev@g.holycross.edu Website: hcspire.com

The Luth-Spire is distributed free of charge to all students, faculty, staff, and employees of the institution--except you! You must Western Union some cash over to China before you read this bad boy.

This entire issue is a joke. ConAllyson Noenickx, Jackie Cannon trained by Jack Godar ‘18...blame him sider yourself warned.

Bobby Tuzzio Cross Country team correspondent Caroline Ahearn Soon to be fired, sued, and/or expelled Ethan Bachand, Sofia Maietta, Kate McLaughlin Obsessed with “All the President’s Men” Olivia Pan, Maggie Connolly, Henry Noe, Grace Manning, Ryen Cinski, Tyler Christiansen Facebook Commenters Maggie Flaherty, Bianca Miccolis, Kelly Gallagher, Bridget Flaherty Future Buzzfeed Employees Mario Micallef, Mario Micallef, Mario Micallef, Mario Micallef, Mario Micallef Staging a coup against Annie Billy Fitzpatrick, Maggie Flaherty, Jackie Hart, Patrick Wareham Failed walk-ons Emily Kulp, Hope Goodman, Pamela Kote, Anna Morris, Sarah O’Rourke, Rebecca Tredwell *you’re Hui Li, Kim Fetherston, Jake Bucci, Davey Sullivan, Zoe Petit VSCO queens Bianca Miccolis, Mary Kate Cunningham, Emily Pellegrino 00101010001 To advertise in The Luth-Spire: Professor Steve Vineberg The man, the myth, the legend First, be advised that no one reads this paper Email: FenwickRev@g.holycross.edu Dean Michele Murray URGENT! URGENT! Be sure to fill out the campus climate survey! (seriously though) Phone: (508) 293-1283 Dean Brenda Hounsell Sullivan Actually the best

The Luth-Spire welcomes letters and op-eds from its readers. Please include your name, address, telephone number, and e-mail address. No submissions will be printed anonymously. All submissions may be edited for content, and must be received by the Sunday prior to publication. The Crusader reserves the right not to publish any letter or content deemed objectionable or which does not meet the editorial standards of the newspaper.

Letters may be mailed, e-mailed, or brought to The Crusader office in Hogan 235--actually don’t bother us.

The opinions expressed within the newspaper are not necessarily those of the College of the Holy Cross. They don’t like us.

NEWS

The Brooks-Crusader

March 29, 2019

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CAB Reveals Spring Concert: The Wiggles to Open, B.o.B. to Headline Allyson Noeshghsadufydsiujksgfuhfkdskjcjdhsbvjfgickx ‘19 Doesn’t believe in evolution, Proud Flat Earther, Anti-Vax Mom On Friday, March 29, CAB held their annual spring concert reveal event in Hogan. Students gathered in Cool Beans to await the big announcement. At 4 PM “Airplanes” was blasted from speakers as a it was announced that B.o.B. would headline this year’s spring concert.

The Wiggles, in the midst of a comeback tour, will open for B.o.B. As always, all students expressed their immediate approval of the choice in genre and artist. “This was a fantastic use of my substantial activities fee,” said one fresh-

man who is particularly excited for her first spring concert. “There’s a reason why CAB gets a $250k budget. Every cent was well-spent.”

There was some initial concern as to whether the administration would approve the spring concert choice Rapper Bobby Ray Simmons, better known as B.o.B., after a string of concerning tweets related to conspiracy theories. B.o.B. has made headlines in recent years especially for supporting “flat earth” theories, and does not in

Photo courtesy of Twitter

Actual B.o.B. flat-earth conspiracy tweet...we can’t make this stuff up people

fact think that the world is round. The College is usually quite strict when it comes to approving spring concert artists, and performs careful review of their lives and lyrics. “Flat earther theories really aren’t all that different or more bizarre than Catholic views on evolution, so maybe the Jesuits sympathized with the guy,” one student speculated.

Already, many Williams residents plan to boycott the concert as usual, refusing to shell out cash for a concert that they can hear from

their own rooms. “Even if my view is obscured, the concert is gonna be loud. Luxurious Williams rooms are tough to leave as is, so why would I on concert day?” said Shawn J. ‘19.

No matter who the spring concert is, it never promises to disappoint. “It’s the night to let it all go!

I look forward to it more than any other weekend,” said one senior, who will definitely be trekking down from Williams.

Don’t forget to B.Y.O.B. to this unforgettable B.o.B. concert. Just make sure you can make it through the pat-down on the way in. Portapotties will be on site for shotgunning.

College Files Defamation Lawsuit Against The Spire for ‘Accurate Reporting’ on Sexual Misconduct, Tuition Increases, Etc. Carolyn Ahern ‘20 Candy Bar Saleswoman It pains me to write this, but this will be my last article for The Spire. After a year-long battle with the College, particularly the Office of Media Relations, I am choosing to step down with dignity and grace, rather than wait it out until I am forced to resign.

Ever since the first Tuition Transparency Town Hall was held

in February 2018, the College has been gathering “evidence” to file a defamation lawsuit against myself and The Spire for what they call “accurate and therefore disrespectful” reporting on the shortcomings and mishaps of the College and its employees.

Such “evidence” includes: pointing out that the tuition increase vote and the announcement that tuition would be increased all occured before the town hall, which was ad-

vertised as a platform for student voices to be heard on the matter, did; as well as accurately quoting verbatim with proper context the rude and demeaning comments of a College official who will remain nameless because even though this is the satirical edition of the paper I am legitimately scared that I could get in even more trouble for this than I did last year by including a line about candy bars.

The College claims its case has

been “strengthened” by the recent reporting on multiple allegations of sexual misconduct against professors. Because that’s the right response to multiple faculty members being accused of sexual harassment or worse: using its resources to protect its image from the student newspaper, which maybe like three people (two of them being my parents) actually read, rather than making sure that no one else on the College payroll is behav-

ing in similar reprehensible ways.

The trial has been scheduled to begin the Monday after finals week, so at least I can turn in all my papers before worrying if I could get sued (or worse, expelled) over criticizing the College for legitimate problems that deserve to be addressed.

And now, I ask you to stay vigilant, and I bid you farewell.

Holy Cross Administration Suddenly After the Announcement Aware There’s No Room for of “The Jo,” Hogan To Students on Campus Be Nicknamed “The Ho” Emily Kulp Senior Copy Editor The campus community returned from spring break to be greeted by an email informing them that there is no room for students on campus. Also, there will be a new housing option available for Holy Cross juniors and seniors next year. The Spire has gained the exclusive ability to converse with the member of the administration whose idea it was to house students at The Edge at Union Station, an off-campus apartment building which the email described as located in a “vibrant” section of Worcester.

This member of the administration, who requested to remain anonymous, said that when he first heard about the plan to increase housing options at Holy Cross for the upcoming Fall 2019 semester, his first response was, “How come?”

“I was so confused, at first,” he told us. But after visiting every remaining study room on campus and engaging in an equation of complex calculus in an attempt

to discover if there was a brilliant housing solution someone had overlooked, he had to give up. He was searching for something, he told us, akin to the transformation of three study rooms in BrooksMulledy’s basement to dorm rooms, but in the end, he had to admit defeat. “That’s when I thought of The Edge,” he told us.

To clarify, The Edge at Union Station has no affiliation or connection to the Holy Cross campus dance party named The Edge that is held at the beginning and end of each academic year. When asked if Holy Cross’ The Edge inspired his decision to house students at The Edge in Worcester, the member of the administration said, “That wasn’t like my original idea, but it does seem fitting, doesn’t it?”

We agreed. Considering the fact that the legendary on-campus dance party features students severely sandwiched between the deadly spikes of Kimball quad’s gates, with basically no room to dance, it seems oddly representative of the fact that The Edge at Union Station is a way to deal with the students Holy Cross has no

room for.

The member of the administration, however, had another idea.

He thought it was fitting, he said, as both Edges are just super “vibrant.” “The Edge is located in the completely renovated historic Osgood Bradley building,” he quoted.

Near the end of our interview, the member of the administration kindly divulged to us Plan B for housing next year, which will only take effect “if our equations were really off,” he claimed. This housing plan involves setting up tents in Kimball for students to be temporarily housed in. He said it will offer incoming freshmen the opportunity to experience “in-dining hall housing,” and proudly announced each tent will include a fully furnished 10-person, 1 bedroom, 1 (downstairs in Kimball) public bathroom, and out-of-unit laundry machines next door in Carlin and Alumni. “The apartments are located less than two miles from College Hill,” he assured us, “way less than two miles.”

Allyson Noenjcxwetlkvjfgckx ‘19 Fig Resident This month the College unveiled plans for the new fieldhouse, and aptly nicknamed it “The Jo” before construction has even begun. The plans and sketches eased students fears about the now asbestos-filled eyesore on our beautiful campus and got freshman excited for the likely one week of their Holy Cross career that they will be able to enjoy the new facility.

The announcement also sparked a new initiative to revisit the names of other buildings across campus. In honor of “The Jo” and in keeping with the new tradition of declaring colloquial nicknames instead of letting them form organically, the College announced that the Hogan Campus Center will henceforth be known as “The Ho.” Students expressed their satisfaction with the new nickname for this beloved spot on campus. “Hogan was just such a mouthful,” said one senior. “I spend long nights at the Ho and love to go hit it up to grab a late night drink. The Ho is like the one place on campus where you can

go at all odd hours of the night!”

It’s about time Hogan got a nickname that’s as easy and accessible as the building itself is. “The easy access to the Ho is the best! There’s a reason why they call it Easy Street!” said one freshman.

“I love taking a break from Di to go eat at Kim and then grab a post dinner coffee at the Ho before hitting up the Jo. Too bad it’s just such a long walk from Fig,” said Natalie Phillip’s ‘19, who felt like she just wasted too much valuable study time pronouncing building names.

“The Fig-Sti walk is just so brutal for seniors and I have all of my classes in Sti. It really makes me wish I lived in Will.”

The new “Ho” and “Jo” monikers also pay homage to the beloved Southbridge Street Howard Johnson “HoJo” Motel that housed Holy Cross students for years in the 1980s and 1990s before it was torn down.

All signage will be replaced within the next week to reflect the new nickname. Until then, the Ho is open for business as usual! Students will also soon be able to enjoy their Borough$-Mulledy breakfast sandwich at “The Ho.”

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The Luth-Spire

NEWS

March 29, 2019

SGA to Institute Electoral College Jayquelin Cannonononon ’20 Lost 7th Grade Student Council Election In a landslide win, the College of the Holy Cross Student Government Association passed a bill to implement an electoral college system in their yearly elections.

Each dorm will have a set number of electoral votes accounting for dorm population and, controversially, class year.

The change has students buzzing in anticipation of next year’s elections, with few students seeming to realize the 2019-2020 elections already took place last month.

Several alliances are emerging, including the sworn allegiance of all past and present residents of Hanselman to any candidate from the “Hanselfam,” regardless of their proposed initiatives.

Brooks-Mulledy, meanwhile, is sure to be a key swing dorm. With an excess of first-year students wanting to change literally everything about Holy Cross (but mostly care about getting printers in the Brooks-Mulledy basement), their votes have the potential to determine the fate of SGA. “I’m, like, really passionate about politics,” a Vault resident shared with the Spire. “I wasn’t

old enough to vote in the midterm elections, so I’m really excited for my first HC election. I feel like I have a good understanding of what our campus needs, and I’m definitely going to vote for the candidate that can promise us better housing options and registration times for first-years.”

Figge and Williams residents are also particularly excited about the change, considering how much the future SGA leadership matters to them as they prepare to leave campus. “I think it’s only fair seniors should get more of a say in the election, considering how much experience we have in Holy

Cross politics,” one Williams resident shared. “And yes, I did vote for Trump, why do you ask?”

Sophomores, however, are upset with the new decision. “How are we supposed to feel like our vote matters when we’re stuck in the smallest dorms and given a lower-class status because of our class years? It’s just unfair. One vote shouldn’t be worth more than another,” an angry 2nd-time Wheeler resident ranted.

The biggest surprise in the process has been the new Edge Apartments’ delegation as a Holy Cross territory without voting rights. In an exclusive interview with the

senators behind the new bill, Spire reporters were given the following explanation: “We, as on-campus members of the Holy Cross community, feel that there’s a special bond that comes from living on campus with your peers. The students living at the Edge are not going to be a part of this community, so they won’t have the experience to make an informed vote. For this reason, we thought it best that anyone not living on campus should not be included in the electoral college.”

The College did not respond to requests for comments on this ongoing story.

Mandatory Four-year Montserrat Program Announced Allyson Noeshghsadufydsiujksgfuhfkdskjcjdhsbvjfgickx ‘19 Montserrat Survivor Do you ever find yourself saying “I miss my Montserrat?” Are you often bored on weeknights without endless co-curricular cluster events to attend? Do you miss the comfort of being in a residence hall that serves as both a living and learning community? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re in luck! Starting with the class of 2022, completion of a four-yearlong Montserrat program will be a graduation requirement. Students will continue with their current Montserrat class and professor for a total of eight semesters, which will conclude with a mandatory Montserrat thesis.

Montserrat program coordinator and chemistry professor, Molly Cule, explains, “After careful review we have found that one year just isn’t enough time to fully engage the breadth of material offered in each seminar. Across the board in all clusters, there is more discussion to be had, and we have found that students need more

time to develop those critical thinking and writing skills that serve as the cornerstone of the Montserrat experience.” There are even talks of a potential Montserrat major in

tirety of their time on campus. Professor Molly Cule asserts, “While some upperclassmen may prefer to live with their friends off-campus, many others have struggled with

sations begun in class to carry over seamlessly to the laundry room or the bathroom.”

Kimmie Kay ‘22 expressed her love for her current Montserrat

Photo courtesy of Holy Cross.

The senior class, featured above, will have the opportunity to reunite with their Montserrat clusters during a required screening of the film “Babel.”

the works.

Another advantage to the fouryear Montserrat experience is that students will remain with their cluster in one residence hall for the en-

separation anxiety from their cluster-shared dorm, which successfully blurs the boundary between classroom and residence hall, and allows such philosophical conver-

class and excitement about the new required program. “Bonding with your classmates over your shared hatred of a class is simply the best way to unite students of diverse

backgrounds in their first few days on The Hill. I could not be happier to be afforded the opportunity to continue this journey with my 15 best friends and favorite professor over the next three years.” Other students expressed that there is comfort in knowing that no matter how poorly you do in your other classes each semester, no grade will ever be lower than your Montserrat grade, even if you actually do all of the reading. “It’s a humbling experience and sets a good baseline,” adds one freshman.

Thinking of studying abroad?

Fear not; you will still be able to continue your Montserrat studies.

In fact, you’ll have to. All students abroad will join their Montserrat class on campus via Skype. Cocurricular cluster events will also be broadcast live to students across the globe to ensure that they can meet the minimum requirement of 20 events and reflection papers per semester.

Montserrat program coordinators are now accepting submissions for next year’s clusters’ T-shirt designs and quotes.

The Ever-Changing Holy Cross Announces New Area in Front of Hart Four Year Study Abroad Program Johnson Browser Back in the 2015-2016 academic year, when the current seniors were freshmen, there was a highly beloved lawn in front of the Hart Center where students could relax and enjoy time outside. Then all of the sudden, it was gone the next year as construction began on the NEW LUTH ATHLETIC COMPLEX AT THE HART CENTER. However, by the end of last year, the lawn, to the surprise and excitement of all, was back. Fresh green grass in front of the beautiful brand new athletic center.

Unfortunately this only lasted for about a month and half before the campus left for the summer, only to return to in September to find the lawn once again closed off. It is now a parking lot. No one knows who decided it was a good idea to

change the layout of this one space four times in three years, but it happened nonetheless. This leads to the question of what will be next?

We can only speculate, but have heard many rumors from our various inside sources. Some believe that incoming freshmen will be relegated to camping in the space due to the overcrowding of dorms. Others have claimed the beloved Habanero’s in Lower Kimball, known for its chalupas and excellent service, will expand to the area. However, personally I feel the space will be changed to a lawn again, maybe only for a month this time, or dare I say, a week? Who knows when the cycle will end with the area in front of Hart, that was once a lawn, then a construction site, then a lawn, and now a parking lot.

Angie Immersed Holy Cross has long been known for its intensive study abroad programs. While students at other schools mostly study abroad for a single semester, Holy Cross encourages its students to step out of their comfort zone and to live in a foreign country for a year. “For most people, one semester just isn’t enough time to fully immerse themselves in the culture. By the time they are settled, the semester is over and it’s time to leave!” reported one spokesperson from the Office of Study Abroad.

Recently, however, Holy Cross has been revising their study abroad programs. “Upon review, we really don’t think one year is enough time for most people. By the time they are settled, the year is over and it’s

time to leave!” reported the same spokesperson from the Office of Study Abroad.

The Office of Study Abroad’s claims are not unfounded. Recent research also supports a lengthier stay in a foreign country. “Studies have shown that you really do need four years to completely familiarize yourself with a culture. In the first year, you can master the diet of your new home. Eat as many croissants and down as much Guinness as you can! In the second year is completely devoted to traveling to literally any place other than your host country. That frees up your entire third year for taking pictures to beef up your Instagram page, which, as we know, is the most rewarding aspect of studying abroad!

Finally, the fourth year is a year of introspection on which you reflect on how Study Abroad has utterly

and completely transformed you fundamentally as a human being.”

Due to the extended time now allocated to reflection, Holy Cross has also been thinking of adding an 80 page minimum to the ICIP. “Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty to write about!”

The representative from the office of study abroad assured this Spire reporter that the new initiative “has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Holy Cross has literally no room on campus for its students!”

Of course, not every single student should feel compelled to study abroad if they don’t feel that it’s a good fit for them. The representative wanted to assure students that if they chose to stay on campus, they would be more than comfortable in the new Wheeler Hall 8-Mans.

The Spire

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Opinions

OPINIONS

March 29, 2019

See What Other Students Are Thinking Around Campus...

Trending This Spring: Feminism Maggie Connolly ‘21 Opinions Editor In March, a new trend hit the streets for women, specifically those in their teens and early twenties: feminism! That is right.

The once shunned, shamed social movement is hitting our Instagram stories and feeds! Welcome to the 21st century, where girls post on International Women’s Day and it suddenly becomes the latest trend on social media. It is cool to support other girls, so now all of a sudden it is cool to be a feminist, at least for twenty-four hours!

By all means, join a cause when it becomes trendy and comfortable for you to do so without fear of backlash. And seeing as trends come and go, do not worry. After you post, you can just forget about it tomorrow. Make sure you check feminism out and try it on this spring, it could be flattering on you after all.

There are several types of people (boys and girls alike) who post for the trend of International Women’s Day, and I am here to introduce you to these lovely young

individuals.

The “Good” Boyfriend: “Happy International Women’s Day to my favorite woman.”

Beware.

These are typically the young men becoming “woke” by showing their support for their girlfriends/fiancés. They are showing appreciation for the one woman in their life (in some cases multiple, even though they may appear loyal…), when in reality, these posters do not necessarily believe in women’s rights in any capacity. In reality, many of them use the day to post to show their loyalty to one woman, not all women.

The Millennial Pink Story: “Girls Support Girls” Now some of these girls are apt to the feminist movement, do not get me wrong. But I cannot tell you

how many girls I know from high school that called me a “feminazi” or were disgusted by girls who chose not to shave their legs who posted a pink graphic on their Instagram stories.

The Blogger: “Happy International Women’s Day to all the strong, empowered women in my life, especially my fans and followers – you guys are the best!”

In this case, bloggers, youtubers and Instagram stars use the day to their advantage. Rack up some followers and some feminist street cred on social media combined with a great edit from a VSCO preset? Done and done. The content has been achieved and we can just forget about IWD on March 9th, right?

think I can put my finger on their exact thoughts, but I can guess it goes a little something like this: *wakes up and scrolls through social media* “Oh my gosh International Women’s Day? So cool, let me post a picture of my friends on my Instagram so everyone remembers I have the coolest friends.

These girls, similar to the millennial pink girls, were the girls who called you “crazy” for talking about feminism in high school, and never wanted to identify as a feminist because it was “too harsh” and “boys would not want to talk to them.”

So, watch out for the newest trend this spring. International Women’s Day is coming in hot this season and everyone is posting about it. Even the people who used to send your posts in their group chat are jumping in, so do not be the last to hear about it! The best part of this trend? It gets more and more popular every year!

The “I Have Lots of Friends Girl: “Happy International Women’s Day to my besties! ILY!” What is going through these girls’ minds when they post? I do not

A Day in the Life (of an English Major) A Really Relaxed English Major It’s a normal Monday afternoon, which means that I’m in my bed watching the fourth episode of the second season of “Friends” for the sixth time. I haven’t left my bed today. I know that I should probably go get my work for the day done, yet all I want to do is lay in bed and muse. I can’t even imagine the stress of whipping out my moleskine notebook and writing a whole haiku- Not to mention the paper that I also have to do. Papers are the second worst thing in the world, right behind tests. When I sit down to write a paper, I set my feet up, grab a pipe, sip on a cup of tea, and allow the creative creations of my mind to throw themselves onto the computer screen before me.

The process is absolutely draining.

Yet when I have to take a test, it’s as if my mind has been bombarded with information-full missiles that ultimately end up destroying me.

Thank God I’m an English major.

As getting myself to leave bed was hard, I decide that I’ll reward myself with some entertainment before writing myself a love letter and doing my work for the evening.

I make my way across campus and my fated destination looms before me as I approach.

The Science Building. Chills run down my spine, but I remind myself that I am there simply to observe, not to try and be a genius. I slowly enter through a back door, being especially careful to not wake the chemistry major sleeping on the floor in a fatigued heap. I creep down the cold, barren hallway and soon

enough I start to hear… it. The guttural moans and pleading cries of the STEM majors. I see a lab down

the hallway and slowly approach, ready for the show. I peek through the glass, and there they are. There is blood on the floor and the light

is flickering ominously. I’m startled by a thundering crack and as I turn my attention to the far-right corner of the lab, I see a boy clutching his broken wrist as a girl in goggles scampers away with a test tube like a rabid animal. I am terrified, and I can’t close my gaping mouth. So, this is what STEM does to you… I think to myself. When one student collapses from a coffee deficiency I decide that I can’t watch anymore, and I flee that hellish place.

As I leave the Science Building, the sun hits my face and I am glowing. I can feel the appreciation for the humanities seeping out of every pore on my body. I look to

the sky and thank God for being an English major. I feel a sense of comfort as I stroll to Hogan, prepared to write myself a beautiful profession of self-love. As I enter Hogan, I walk up the stairs and look for a cushioned seat overlooking the Hoval. I pull a canteen of chamomile tea out of my Fjallraven backpack and unroll a blanket and settle in. I put in my air pods and switch and turn on Bach.

Time to get started. Me time then the real work. Right before I begin to grace the keyboard with fingertip kisses, I receive a text. My friend has texted me to tell me how much she appreciated my help on her la b report. I practically wrote it for her considering she’s… well… you know… illiterate. “Girl, your the best!” A devious smirk slowly takes over my face and flames rise up behind me. My eyes turn black. I pose my thumbs over the keys and begin to type,“You’re.”

A Typical Springtime Day for a Holy Cross Student Henry Noe ’22 Opinions Editor Springtime at Holy Cross: what a glorious time! You look out from your dorm room to see blue skies and the sun shining bright on the rolling hills of Mount Saint James.

You put on your best spring outfit, lacking anything that could even be loosely called a jacket or coat, which is replete with col-

ors and shining with optimism, and you embrace the new day on our especially bright campus.

You open the door and are met with a slightly chillier greeting than you anticipated but it isn’t enough to stop you in your tracks. Not ten steps later, you begin to hear it: the howling winds of Holy Cross are chasing you. You try to walk faster to beat the menace from rustling your perfectly planned outfit, but

alas, the inevitable still comes. An all too familiar powerful gust of wind hits your back, nearly making you fall over and drop your Holy Cross themed water bottle, your Holy Cross themed purple backpack, and your cell phone with a Holy Cross themed popsocket.

Wind begins to come at you mercilessly and you start to shiver.

It seems that you have forgotten the most important rule at Holy

Cross-never think that it won’t be windy out, it always is, regardless of whether it is the heat of August or in the coldness of January. Every Holy Cross freshman does it at some point and is left shivering and sprinting to their next class to escape. Your once fitting spring outfit has now left you vulnerable to the wind tunnel that is College Hill.

After successfully making it to your academic building, you com-

pose yourself. Although the start to your day has slightly knocked you off course, you make it to your classroom and start to regain the confidence you had at the beginning of the day. After taking your seat, your professor comes out and says the last thing any students wants to hear, “Clear your desks, pop quiz today.”

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The Spire

Why I Was Late Tyler Christiansen ’21 Opinions Editor 7:00 a.m.: Getting up in the morning is the easy part. Get up, brush the teeth, shower, throw on clothes, get out the door. Have class at 8AM., so not really a problem. Got a whole hour.

7:20 a.m.: Walking down to breakfast takes about five minutes, give or take a few. My headphones got tangled, so I had to stop completely, untangle them, choose the song from my playlist, and then continue.

7:26 a.m.: I held the door open for someone for about four seconds, so time is just wasting away at this point. People are inconsiderate sometimes.

7:25 a.m.: At the dining hall, there was an unforeseen delay. The coffee machine wasn’t working and I can’t go to class without the coffee, so I have to wait. The fried egg line also has people in it, so there’s another unforeseen delay. Don’t people realize I have a class to go to?

7:35 a.m.: Finally got the eggs and coffee. I now have to find a table to sit at, but I can’t just sit at any table. I have to find one that’s for the narps, since there would be an uprising if I sat at the athlete table. It’s probably considered treason for some people.

7:40 a.m.: 20 minutes until class. Perfect.

7:41 a.m.: Friend texts me saying the “Toy Story 4” trailer just dropped. Naturally, I stop eating and watch the trailer on repeat.

7:50 a.m.: 10 minutes left. The trailer was good, so my professor can’t really blame me, can she?

Should probably start eating again.

The coffee is cold now, though. It’s all my friend’s fault for texting me.

7:51 a.m.: The kid next to me was blasting music through his AirPods and I was intently listening to it, trying to figure out what song it was. Just wasting more time. I think I actually focused on the fact that he had Airpods more than anything else.

7:53 a.m.: Still have to finish my eggs. Getting a little cold now.

Can’t go to class hungry.

7:57 a.m.: Ate quickly. Leaving the dining hall- people were also leaving, impeding my path to class.

Slowing me down even more.

7:58 a.m.: Held the door for someone while leaving dining hall.

Precious seconds wasted.

7:59 a.m.: I decided to get another coffee because the coffee at the dining hall was bad. Of course there were people in line. So unexpected. People taking so long.

I would be on time for my class if the people weren’t in line. The guy in front of me probably didn’t have to wait for the coffee machine or in the fried egg line so he was probably on time for his class.

8:04 a.m.: Late for class, but once the professor hears the excuses, she’ll totally get it.

8:05 a.m.: She didn’t get it.

Locked door. Oh well.

8:10 a.m.: It only took me like four minutes to get back to the dorm to watch a movie.

OPINIONS

March 29, 2019

Spring Concert Predictions Krystyna Cynstyntyny ‘21 and Annie Hentschtschtschtsel ‘19 Long-Lost Sisters As the days get warmer and the home stretch of the semester draws near, it’s hard not to daydream about end-of-the-year festivities, especially Spring Concert.

Here are some performers we hope to see down on Freshman Field this May: Billy Eyelash This seventeen-year-old music sensation has gained a solid following within the past few years. Collaborating with big names like Khalid and earning a spot on the Coachella lineup, Eyelash could be a high-profile pick for HC’s Spring Concert.

A Group of Drunk Kids Singing “Mr. Brightside” You’ve seen them at The Lot. You’ve seen them in the basement of the Baseball House.

You’ve seen them in Leit’s. They’re a group of drunk kids singing “Mr. Brightside”, and they’re already prominent members of the

Holy Cross community - just give them their own concert already!!!

A Scone Packed with Maine blueberries and with a soft, yet dense, texture, this pastry would rock the house with one of the many jams (pun intended) in its repertoire.

It went stale three days ago and might crumble under the pressure of a headlining performance on

our campus policies and guidelines, as well as our college mission statement and a list of every single RSO on campus. Ironically, the policies regarding the consumption of alcohol will likely not be remembered by inebriated audience members.

Jojo Siwa Seeing a meteoric rise to fame after a stint on Dance Moms, this enlarged toddler would

its own, but we’re sure it would make for a sweet Spring Concert.

A Cold Reading of the Student Handbook by Dean Irish Having the majority of the student body congregated in one area would be the perfect time to review some of

definitely strike a chord with Holy Cross students. Her enormous sparkly hair bows, highly theatrical dance moves, and obnoxious voice bring exactly the kind of chaotic energy our school is missing. Sophomore Nick Taliento says, “I hate

Jojo Siwa more than anyone in the world, and if she was our spring concert I’d consider transferring”.

A Live Performance of the Bee Movie (with Real Bees) What better way to cap off the spring semester than with a live reenactment of the greatest animated film of our generation! Part theatrical performance and part environmental awareness event, you definitely wouldn’t want to forget your EpiPen. Sophie Turner She sat on the sidelines at last year’s spring concert, will she plant her Iron Throne firmly in center stage this May? Watch her reclaim the North, murder Cersei, and make out with Joe Jonas, all while having the greatest character development television has ever seen.

Loud Luxury Babe don’t make a sound!

Wouldn’t it be awesome if the DJs behind the hit song “Body” performed at Holy Cross? Coming to the stage, pregames, and Insta DMs near you!

Haha probably won’t happen tho!

Holy Cross Instates New Policy: Leave No Trace Grace Manning ‘21 Opinions Editor With the recent surge in numbers of Gen Zs speaking out against climate change and striving to be more environmentally friendly (think reusable coffee cups and metal straws), College of the Holy Cross has instated a new schoolwide policy. This policy, entitled “Leave No Trace,” was created by the student body and will directly affect those suffering most from climate change- skinny, overheated polar bears and emaciated ice chunks floating in the ocean. When we think of climate change, we know we are making a difference by

bringing our own glass, overpriced cups to Starbucks before heading to the supermarket to buy an orange, pre-peeled for ultimate ease of eating, that has been wrapped in plastic because, come on, it needs some kind of protection from the elements! We feel good knowing that we have reduced fossil fuels in the atmosphere by hosting an all-vegan birthday party, complete with helium Mylar balloons that are released into the sky and find new homes in such cozy places as the necks of sea turtles or the stomachs of blue whales. We ride bikes or walk past empty parking spots for rechargeable cars (because we’ve never actually seen

anyone drive one), grab an iced tea of the NEW PLASTIC BOTTLE! variety because we don’t want to break the bottle while biking furiously, and head home, a plastic bag of apples in our bike baskets. Ah, we’ve been earth-friendly today!

Holy Cross will be the first ever college to start a zero-waste policy which will be implemented in all aspects of school life. In Kimball dining hall, students will be provided with 100% edible dishware, and cutlery as a whole will be discontinued (classes on eating with one’s hands will be taught weekly).

There will be a water allocation of one cup per student and the meals will be heavy in unwashed

raw vegetables. Each student will leave Kimball meals knowing they have left no trace of their eating on the earth and will soon begin to develop a taste for cardboard.

Similarly, all new buildings being constructed on campus will be made from already existing materials including single-use coffee cups from Coolbeans that have been compressed into blocks, and plastic straws woven together by guilty millennials. The Holy Cross administration is sure this policy will not only succeed, but will make the college an example to the rest of the world that not all climate change- enthusiasts are hypocrites.

Loving Life in Philosphy Anonymous Goose Diplomat / Philosophy Student I wanted to let everyone know that I, as a Philosophy student, am doing great. After all the recent discussion and protest about sexual assault/misconduct on this campus--which was so clearly focused on the welfare and wellbeing of the affected students and not simply focused on seeking bloody justice for this esteemed professor that we have deemed to be a monster--I just wanted to let everyone know that I am, in fact, “hanging in there” as the kids say.

You’d think that, actually, after coming to this school primarily for its Philosophy department and the great teachers within it, only to have many of the best professors

leave or mysteriously disappear soon after I began my Philosophy education here, I might be a little more upset. On the contrary: I found it extremely exciting to try and sign up for my courses for this semester, only to find myself fighting tooth and nail for a good class out of the small number being taught by the, what, like, 3? professors left in this department.

All of our (my?) crying convinced the Dean to make another section of the overflowing Medieval Philosophy class, so that us lowly and unlucky Philosophy students may fulfill one of our major requirements and take a class with the legendary professor that everyone and their mother has recommended I take a class with. So, you’d think that I’d also be a little more upset

because said professor magically disappeared not even three weeks into this class… but, once again, on the contrary: I find it titillating to have a completely new professor that I didn’t originally sign up for; it’s so intriguing to have literally no information whatsoever about why the old professor spontaneously ceased to exist on this campus; and it’s so riveting that we’re still reading the book *he* wrote in Medieval Philosophy, so that every class I can read his work and still hear his voice and be reminded about how uncomfortable this entire situation is.

How do I stay so positive?

Well, for one, instead of spending class time talking about our feelings and what’s going on in this forsaken department, we’ve instead opted to pretend like noth-

ing ever happened. Philosophy won’t “do” itself, you know--we haven’t gotten any word on what’s going on anyway, so why bother?

There are Confessions to read!

Also, I’m happy because I’ve also been working in the Philosophy department. Am I concerned about how, in that Worcester Mag article from January, the Philosophy grad mentioned that she was handpicked for this work-study position as part of her psychological grooming? Heck no! Do I feel safe and comfortable as a young female student in this department? Absolutely! In fact, I’d say the faculty really love me! ...wait…

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FEATURES

The Luth-Spire

Features

Crusader of the Week: Father Burroughs’ Armed Guard Name: Phil Jr. Middle Name: Safety Major: ROTC Minor: Philosophy Hometown: Fenwick 1 Activities involved in on campus: Father Burrough’s groupie, defending father burroughs, gun club Favorite Movie: The Bodyguard Favorite song: Grenade

by Bruno Mars, Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar Longest amount of time spent in Dinand: 2 minutes, when we hung up the Read Posters Bragging Rights: A reporter took a photo of me at the sit-in Favorite place to eat oncampus: Ciampi Favorite Cool Beans Drink: 5 Hour Energy Favorite TV Show: Law and Order SVU First thing you do when you wake up in the morning?: I don’t sleep Favorite Kimball Meal: Eggplant al la Boroughs Favorite Book: If I did it: Confessions of the Killer by O.J. Simpson Favorite spot on campus: Standing On Guard at Fenwick 1 If you could live any place in the world, where would it be? The Edge at Union Station Favorite place you have traveled to: Our Locked Office in Hogan during the Sit in Favorite Professor: Not legally allowed to say Number of all-nighters pulled this semester: All of them

Photo Courtesy of Father Burroughs

Role-model: Secret Service men Pet Peeve: Sitting In Your Mantra: Innocent until proven guilty Last text you received: “No, you cannot be the Crusader of the week” - Holy Cross PR Something you look forward to when you go home: Not being on duty Favorite memory at HC: Me and the RAs bonded about defending this campus

March 29, 2019

SPIRE EXCLUSIVE: Olivia Jade’s Admission Essay Olivia Jade Giannuli Prospective Crew Athlete, Youtube Influencer

time, but I know that you will work with me on that like my prestigious private high school so graciously did. Instead of studying for my anatomy test, I had to go People’s “Ones to Watch” party for work. Even though I was worried about this test, I decided to get my hair

that you need a new perspective such as this on your campus. A typical day in my high school life consists of waking up and Prompt: In approx. 500 whining about having to go to words, tell us why you are school. Sometimes, I like to qualified to go to the Univerbring my camera to school and sity of Southern California. vlog. So, instead of listening to my teacher, I like to add my Although I own commentary would rather make for my subscribers. a vlog to explain I usually come home why I should go from school midto USC, I think day and PostMate that my career as lunch before goa Youtube sensaing back to school. tion explains it When I come home all. As you may for the day, I like to already know, I am fill my afternoons Olivia Jade Beauty with spray-tans, on Youtube and manicures, packing as my channel defor trips, and then scription reads: maybe studying at 11 “I post videos p.m. before jetting Courtesy of themarysue.com off to my next destitalking about I included a headshot with my application makeup, fashion, nation. Even though lifestyle, and ocI complain about casionally I’ll school, I am always do some chalgrateful for my edulenges. I have a cation because there strong passion are people less forfor makeup and tunate than me who fashion and I do not have parents love sharing my that pay their way. passion with all of you guys here Finally, I think on youtube.” that you should acBasically, I feel cept me into USC that since I have because I am a had such an self-proclaimed early career that collegiate rower. I Live-Action shot of me Rowing! :) college really have been rowing needs someone since I learned that like me to add people get into colsome fame to campus. Also, and makeup done for the event lege by being athletes. I think I think that college will really and study a little bit while I was I would be a great asset to the help me launch a new segment getting ready. I think that really team because I do HIIT on my for Youtube: doing cute col- shows my character since I can treadmill. If you want to see lege dorm videos! Don’t worry, keep up with my busy schedule my workout routine, you can though. My subscribers will of being a Youtube sensation just watch my channel. Unfornot only want to see me in my and a student. When you are a tunately, I have not vlogged any dorm so I will make sure that I rising influencer, however, par- of my rowing practices, but if go home to vlog at my beautiful ties, photoshoots, and launching I get enough comments asking Los Angeles mansion. a partnership with Sephora just for one, maybe I can do that. take precedent.

So, that is all I have for you for Since I am a working womthis essay. I hope you liked this an, I’ll definitely have to put As I have expressed in many and don’t forget to subscribe to my Youtube career first so I of my vlogs, I really do not like my channel! Thanks for watchwill be traveling from time to school that much, but I think ing, I mean reading.

Peep My Crib: The Edge!

DISCLAIMER: ALL PHOTOS PROVIDED BY HOLY CROSS’ HOUSING DEPARTMENT

Such Great Ameneties And Just a Shuttle Away From Campus!

The Luth-Spire

8

FEATURES

Sophomore Boy Featured on Season 4 of “Queer Eye” Carolyn Ahern ’20 The “Jonathan” of her friend group

to take care of yourself because we’re not your mothers and you’re 20 years old gosh darn it.

All things just keep getting better on Healy 2! Sophomore Matt Basic of New Jersey was nominated by his roommate John Average of Connecticut to be featured on Season 4 of Netflix’s hit reality show “Queer Eye.” Tan France, Jonathan Van Ness, Antoni Porowski, Bobby Berk, and Karamo Brown arrived to Mount St. James earlier this week to makeover Matt and help him live his best life (yas, henny!).

Tan helped Matt move past basketball shorts with his high school logo and a Vineyard Vines shep shirt, and introduced him to innovative fashion tips such as wearing jeans that actually fit him, printed shirts, and, of course, the lifechanging magic of the French tuck.

Jonathan taught Matt that, in fact, washing your face isn’t “girly” and basic hygiene does not make you any less of a man. In fact, girls actually appreciate men who can, I don’t know, at least freaking floss or use sunscreen or just something

Matt took Antoni to Kimball so the food and wine expert could impart his knowledge. Antoni took one look at the dining hall, started crying, then used the Fab Five truck to go to Whole Foods and buy 17 avocados instead.

Bobby was absent for most of the episode, because he was doing the work of an entire HGTV show and its crew by himself and in four days. His finished product is the Edge at Union Station.

After shooting was finished, he was seen having a breakdown in the back of the Fab Five truck once he found out that literally no students want to live there.

Karamo did the work of the entire Holy Cross counseling center, and taught Matt basically just how not to be a f*ckboy.

TBD on whether he sticks to that.

Season 4 of “Queer Eye” premieres not soon enough.

The Queer Eye Stars worked their magic on a Healy 2 resident this week, says upperclassmen boys are “too far gone.”

March 29, 2019

The English Department Presents‘Drunk Shakespeare’ Kelly Gallagher Highbrow Anyone who has ever claimed a degree in English is good for nothing can take a seat now. The Holy Cross English Department has announced an exciting new initiative in order to renew appreciation of the major - Drunk Shakespeare. The program is inspired by the Off-Broadway performance in which five cast members attempt to perform a Shakespeare play after one actor gets drunk. The English Department while be adding its own twist. As described on their new web page, “All cast members will be expected to perform while - to put it informally - totally smashed.”

The program was suggested by sophomore English student Jane Austen, who was inspired not by the original performances of Drunk Shakespeare, but by her own experience trying to finish her English homework while intoxicated. “I had to finish the last two acts of ‘King Lear’ the night before class, but I hated the play, so I motivated myself by taking a shot at the end of every scene,” she explained. For those who haven’t had the profound pleasure of reading the last two acts of “King Lear,” this amounts to ten shots.

She continues, “But this totally changed my reading. My eyes were opened to the complexities of the play, and what it says about life, sin, and nothingness. By the time I finished, I was sobbing. And vomiting. I realized that this was the best

state in which to read Shakespeare. I was just so much more receptive to its themes than I was in the classroom, and I think every English student deserves the opportunity to experience Shakespeare like this.”

Because of Courtesy of drunkshakespere.com Austen’s conExperience Shakespeare on another level viction that students’ eduon Twitter with the announcecation would be greatly en- ment “Villain, I have done thy hanced by this method, she mother.” went straight to the DepartThere are even discussions ment to pitch her idea. After regarding whether it will beprofessors of the Department come a mandatory part of chastised Austen for her use English classes to perform in of the passive voice in her pre- Drunk Shakespeare. “Sure, sentation, her idea was enthu- many of our students are unsiastically received. “It teaches derage,” Professor Proust reall the skills we strive to nur- flected airily, “but they’re probture in students at a liberal arts ably drinking anyway. At least school,” Professor Tolstoy said this way they’re actually engagas he nursed a bottle of vodka. ing with the play instead of “The ability to think on your skimming Sparknotes.” feet in unpredictable situaAuditions for the first tions, public speaking, and a performance drew a massive high alcohol tolerance.” crowd of hopefuls, packing In addition, a student’s com- The Pit, but only a few lucky fort in slipping phrases such folks were cast in the College’s as “knave” or “congreet” into performance of “A Midsumeveryday conversation is a criti- mer Night’s Drink.” Tickcal interview skill. “If you can ets can be bought in Hogan intimidate an interviewer into Center for the one-night-only thinking you’re smarter than showing on April 1 in The Pit. him or him, you’ve got the Alcoholic consumption by aujob,” disclosed Professor Mor- dience members is not required rison. At the least, if the in- but strongly encouraged. terview doesn’t work out, you can then satisfactorily publicly shame that “three inch fool”

Top 5 Boston Championship Appearances Since 2000 Sean McNamara Not From New England Many Holy Cross students who come from areas of the world other than New England are faced with the challenge of becoming accustomed to the Massachusetts lifestyle. I came from a simple life on the farm* back home in Illinois (*affluent suburb 20 minutes north of Chicago,) and quickly realized that I was going to have to assimilate into New England culture if I ever wanted to fulfill my dream of being let into a party off campus.

I tried to incorporate some Boston lingo into my vernacular, but when I tried to look up some of the vocabulary I realized someone was playing a joke on me because no one actually calls a water fountain a “bubbler.” I tried to incorporate some New England fashion into my wardrobe, but my professors didn’t seem to appreciate me wearing a “Saturdays Are For The Boys” shirt to class every day. Finally, I delved into the recesses of Boston history in order to find the common denominator that binds

all New Englanders and I found my answer: Championships. Ever since St. Patrick himself laid the first bricks of the Freedom Trail, Bostonians have been celebrating their city’s athletic prowess.

In order to bring myself closer to the Massachusetts way of life, I watched all of the Boston championship appearances since 2000 and decided to rank them: Number One: 2013 Stanley Cup Finals: (Chicago Blackhawks def. Boston Bruins 4-2) This championship series pitted the Bruins against another Original Six franchise, the Chicago Blackhawks, led by captain Jonathan Toews and superstar Patrick Kane, who once punched a cab driver in the face. The series was hard fought up until the final whistle as these two teams battled for their second championship in recent history. The Bruins held a 2-1 lead late in Game Six, a lead that would have sent the series into a pivotal Game Seven in Chicago. The Blackhawks scored two goals 17 seconds apart

to take the lead with a minute left to go, however, and the Blackhawks went back home to Chicago with their second Stanley Cup in three years.

Tied for First: Super Bowl XVII: (New York Giants def. New England Patriots 17-14) The Patriots were very heavily favored coming into this game, entering the Super Bowl with an undefeated record. Newly acquired receiver Randy Moss proved to be worth his weight in gold as the Patriot’s offense set numerous records during the 2007 regular season, including a record 50 touchdowns for quarterback Tom Brady.

Unfortunately, Brady was bested by Eli Manning, whose brother is very good, and the New York Giants as a magical late-game drive led them past New England. The drive was kept alive by a miraculous catch by David Tyree and the game-winning touchdown catch by former gun owner Plaxico Burress.

Also Tied For First: Super Bowl LII (Philadelphia Eagles def.

New England Patriots 41-33) Once again, Tom Brady willed the Patriots to the Super Bowl despite his old age and a four-game suspension for Deflategate. With starting quarterback Carson Wentz out for the underdog Eagles, the Patriots looked like they were in prime position to claim the Lombardi Trophy, however former St. Louis Rams legend Nick Foles had other ideas, as his monster performance led to a 41-33 win for the Eagles and a Super Bowl MVP. This One Is Also Tied for First: 2010 NBA Finals (LA Lakers def. Boston Celtics 4-3) The Lakers won their fifth championship under Phil Jackson as Academy Award winner Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol led Los Angeles past Doc Rivers and the Celtics. This would be the last finals appearance for the Big Three Celtics as Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce were traded to the Nets two years

later for some draft picks that didn’t turn out to be that important.

Folks, this is ALSO tied for First: Super Bowl XLVI (New York Giants def. New England Patriots 2117) Tom Brady’s close, personal friend Aaron Hernandez scored 1 touchdown in this Super Bowl as the Patriots defense was no match for future Hall of Famer Eli Manning. The game included an iconic half time show performance from hip-hop superstars LMFAO, who upstaged scheduled performer Madonna to perform their two hits “Party Rock Anthem” and “I’m Sexy and I Know It.” Honorable Mentions: Super Bowls 36, 38, 39, 49, 51, 53; World Series ‘04, ‘08, ‘13, ‘18. NBA Finals ‘08. Stanley Cup Finals ‘11.

MOSTLY INSIDE JOKES (SORRY)

Philosophy Department Lip-Dubs “It Wasn’t Me”

By Liam Predergast ‘19 Shaggy Enthusiast In an attempt to garner goodwill and refresh their tarnished public image, the Philosophy Department has released a lip-dub to the hit-song “It Wasn’t Me” by the incomparable S h a g g y.

While perhaps misguided in their attempt to shift the public eye from their r e c e n t scandals, no one can deny this video is not merely a decades-old viral trend, but rather an important work of art.

The performers, the remaining Philosophy Professors that is, perform with an earnestness that is certainly captivating and occasionally sickening. Their dance, which begins timidly, grows into

a violent flailing of limbs. Their writhing bodies contort themselves into wicked shapes ignorant of their age or lack of dance experience. Each professor’s eyes gleam with the desperation of someone clinging to a sinking ship. As we watch this Titanic disaster, the band

plays on in the background- coaxing the melodious tones of “It Wasn’t Me” from their instruments.

“We chose the song for two main reasons” said a spokesperson from the department. “Firstly we looked into Shaggy because we had heard he was experiencing a sort of second life

amongst students.” Of course the Department made a fatal error, confusing the popular Jamaican musician with the eponymous character from 2002 picture Scooby-Doo and its blockbuster follow-up Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. Memes of Norville “Shaggy” Rogers have graced our feeds recently, extolling the great power of the character.

“Secondly, the lyrics of the song really spoke to us” continued the Philosophy Department representative. “The profound idea the song puts forth, that you can get out of nearly any situation by committing to complete denial, has really been a guiding light for us in recent months.”

Student response to this video has been mixed, but one student thoughtfully reflected that the lip-dub was the “clearest and most honest communication students have received from the school in years.”

Help Wanted (please, for the love of God help us) Seeking moderately intelligent student for the highly prestigious unpaid Spire Internship position, which will be implemented as soon as the “Jo” is complete and the Administration starts funding us again.

Job Requirements: • Fetch lattes for the editors at 1am, pay with your personal dining $ • Read and save every single email you’ve ever recieved from the Holy Cross Administration.

• Know the difference between there, their, and they’re.

• Come up with jokes no one will laugh at for the Eggplant. *Must be willing to risk expulsion for accurately reporting on

the facts Qualifications/Skills: • Sleeping with eyes open during boring Rehm Lectures • Staying calm when InDesign deletes all of your hard work (Again).

• Expeience as liberal snowflake helpful but not required • Has NEVER EVER written for the Fenwick Review, this is an absolute dealbreaker.

• Ability to withstand extreme heat and humidity in the Spire office.

• Expeience as liberal snowflake preferred

March 29, 2019 Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an “L” on her forehead Well the years start coming and they don’t stop coming Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn’t make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do, so much to see So what’s wrong with taking the back streets?

You’ll never know if you don’t go You’ll never shine if you don’t glow Hey now, you’re an all-star, get your game on, go play Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold It’s a cool place and they say it gets colder You’re bundled up now, wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is getting pretty thin The water’s getting warm so you might as well swim My world’s on fire, how about yours?

That’s the way I like it and I never get bored Hey now, you’re an all-star, get your game on, go play Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show on, get paid All that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold Hey now, you’re an all-star, get your game on, go play Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show, on get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas?

I need to get myself away from this place I said yep what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn’t make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do, so much to see So what’s wrong with taking the back streets?

You’ll never know if you don’t go (go!)

You’ll never shine if you don’t glow Hey now, you’re an all-star, get your game on, go play Hey now, you’re a rock star, get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold

The Koch

9

All Star Mario Micallef

[redacted] of the Week:

EGGcellent EGGplant Contributor of the Week!

Owen Conroy ‘19

Name: Mithra Fursona: Meowthra Major: something VERY lucrative Actual major: English :( Favorite book: That Trump fella wrote a real hefty piece on making deals and getting stealz Favorite Borat quote: “my wife!”

Activities involved in on campus: College Republicans email list Favorite TV show: the remixed season four of Arrested Development Favorite movie: Ocean’s 11. No reason, really. Not planning anything.

Favorite song: Every Breath You Take …

Favorite singer/group: Kid Rock, not for the music, but the political takes Favorite country you’ve been to: Ireland! Best year ever! :) Favorite country to flee to when President Donald JOHN Trump decides to Press! That! Button!!!!!!: Ireland! Best year ever!

Dream job: Iggy the Crusader Dream job now that there’s no knight-related imagery: wait, WHAT? Favorite class taken at Holy Cross: David Schaefer Favorite professor: I can’t choose between those philosophy fellas!

Favorite place to eat on-campus: Dag on the Hill

Favorite catchphrase: Dag on your Haters Favorite spot on campus: Dinand … front desk … where all the posters are kept ;) Longest amount of time spent in Dinand: staking out the front desk … where all the posters are kept ;) Are you deflecting from the previous question to avoid acknowledging the many ways in which Dinand has depleted your life force: ….no Favorite sport: pole vaulting Favorite sports team: track and field, specifically field.

Favorite word: Puntagate Dream vacation: Punta Cana Role model: Chris Puntasecca Favorite memory at HC: Senior ball with all my besties, like Hanna and her baby doll Last person you texted: I don’t recall who it was, but it was definitely about Puntagate On thing you’d change about HC: increase the number of Chris Puntasecca posters.

Your mantra: #puntagate2k19 Pet peeve: when random girls shove baby dolls in my mouth >:( Spirit Animal: Chris Puntasecca First thing you thing you do when you wake up: I see the baby doll on my mantle Last thing you do before going to bed: I see the baby doll on my mantle Last thing you see before you die: the baby doll. on my mantle.

EGGPLANT

The Eggplant

March 29, 2019

10

The Eggplant

Now featuring more eggplants Public Safety Blotter Real or Fake News?

Read the following PubSafe logs and guess if they’re real incidents reported in old editions of the Spire/Crusader, or made up by us!

1. Fieldhouse: Public safety was advised that there were students sitting in a laundry cart, riding down the hill by the side of the fieldhouse. All parties were gone upon arrival

milk & hogan Carolyn Ahern ‘20

~Has Taken Two Poetry Classes~ … she was chicken parm night but he went to lower. ...

when he decided we were over i was tossed aside like the half of the student body who will be forced to live in the edge at union station. …

2. Dinand: Student accidentally left in Dinand stacks during the night, called for lights to be turned back on. The student was escorted from the building despite protests.

...

3. Williams Hall: A noise disturbance was reported. An officer was sent to “restore quality of life”

until you said those four unforgivable words:

4. Wheeler Hall: student reported heater was on too high; will use fan for the night and call back in the morning 5. Fenwick: The Fenwick elevator was not working, students requested alternate escort to Rehm but were advised to take the stairs.

6. Mulledy Hall: A suspicious odor, likely reminiscent of drugs, not hugs, was reported 7. Hogan: The internet was down and a student reported being unable to finish her “really important” essay; internet was restored before officers arrived.

8. Mulledy Hall: RA called to report that a large number of students were congregating in a 3 East room- turned out to be an Orgo study session.

9. Clark Hall: An RA reported a “wacky weed smell” emanating from a dorm; nothing was found

like non-major bio on enrollment day. …

you make my heart burn hotter than an easy street dorm in august.

when he left

i loved you from afar across the classroom of intro to philosophy

“to play devil‛s advocate…” ....

just like that he was gone…

i became like a loyola treadmill. broken. pathetic. unfixable.

Eggplants a la Boroughs This delicious recipe is a perfect way to spice up an otherwise dull spring semester! Light yet filling, Eggplants a la Boroughs are sure to delight local media stations and students’ instagram feeds alike.

Yield: roughly 2,900 (and counting) Active Time: 2 days Total Time: 4 years Ingredients: 200 Medium-sized eggplants One (1) Pissed off student body A Hallway A handful of megaphones Paper and markers PREPARATION 1. Extract large amount of money from eggplants 2. Keep eggplants in the dark. Do not inform them about anything 3. Lightly agitate eggplants by endangering their safety 4. Half-bake an apology 5. Fire up eggplants with hasty email 6. Let eggplants rise over the weekend 7. Pepper with megaphones. Optional: combine markers and paper to make signs to really spice things up 8. Gather eggplants in a cool, dry place, like a hallway 9. Let sit for two (2) days 10. Enjoy!

College Mission Statement Mad Libs

Directions: You should know how Mad Libs works.

The College of the Holy (1) ________ is, by tradition and choice, a (2) _______ liberal arts (3)________ serving the Catholic community, American (4)_______, and the (5)_____ world. To participate in the life of Holy Cross is to (6)_______ an invitation to join in dialogue about basic human (7)________: What is the (8)________ character of learning and teaching? How do we (9)_______ meaning in life and history? What are our obligations to (10)________? What is our special (11)________ to the world’s (12)_______ and (13)_______ ?

As a (14)_______ college, Holy (15)______ pursues excellence in (16)________, (17)_______, and (18)________. All who share its (19)_______ are challenged to be open to new (20)_______, to be patient with (21)________ and uncertainty, to combine a passion for truth with respect for the (22)______ of others. (23)________ by the presence of diverse interpretations of the human (24)_______, Holy (25)______ seeks to build a community marked by (26)_______, (27)________, and (28)________. Because the search for (29)_______ is at the (30)_______ of the intellectual life, critical examination of fundamental (31)________ and (32)_______ questions is integral to (33)_______ education. Dialogue about these (34)_______ among people from diverse (35)_______ disciplines and (36)_________ traditions requires everyone to (37)________ differences.

Dialogue also requires us to remain (39)_______ to that sense of the whole which calls us to (40)_______ ourselves and challenges us to seek that which might constitute our common (41)________.

1) Noun 2) Adjective 3) Noun 4) Noun 5) Adjective 6) Verb 7) Noun (plural) 8) Adjective

9) Verb 10) Noun (plural) 11) Noun 12) Adjective 13) Adjective 14) Adjective 15) Same noun as #1 16) Verb (-ing form)

17) Verb (-ing form) 18) Verb (-ing form) 19) Noun 20) Noun (plural) 21) Noun 22) Noun (plural) 23) Verb (past tense) 24) Noun

25) Same noun as #1 26) Noun 27) Noun 28) Noun 29) Noun 30) Body part 31) Adjective 32) Adjective

10. Lehy Hall: RA calls for assistance after a student refuses to give up his beer-pong table

Submit your Mission Statement Mad Libs to spire@g.holycross. edu! The winner will be featured in next week’s Eggplant AND become the brand new Mission Statement of the College of the Holy Cross!

11. Healy Hall: A student called to report their room was still cold despite turning the heat up. The dispatched officers discovered the student’s roommate had turned the heat back down without telling his roommate.

12. Off-Campus: Caro St. happenings

1. TtitleIX, 2. edge, 3. unemployment, 4. worcester, 5. lettuce, 6. boroughs, 7. philosophy, 8. fitness, 9. montserrat

Answer Key: 1.Real 2.Fake 3.Real 4.Real 5.Fake 6.Real 7. Fake 8.Fake 9.Real 10. Real 11.Fake 12. Real

0-2 Correct: Freshman 3-5 Correct: Sophomore 6-8 Correct: Junior 9-11 Correct: Senior 12 Correct: Chief of Pub Safe

33) Adjective 34) Noun (plural) 35) Adjective 36) Adjective 37) Verb 38) Adjective 39) Verb 40) Noun

Across Down (even if the sky is falling) 1. The most competent office on campus 2. Seniors will live here, freshman make out here 5. The SRCs recently hosted a discussion on new legislation 3. Holy Cross seniors can look forward to this in the spring! on the Devil’s ______ 4. ______ Magazine: how Holy Cross students get in7. The _____ Department is the most understaffed on fromed campus 6. 8-letter word for “Daddy” 9. First-year seminar that introduces students to crippling 8. Holy Cross students are severely lacking adequate ____ anxiety facilities

SPORTS

The PerSpire

Sports Billy Fitzpatrick ‘20 Thinks He’s Funny Note: Rev. Philip L. Boroughs, S.J., relied heavily on his Committee for College Development via Sports Wagering (CCDSW) when filling out this year’s bracket. Resident basketball expert Fr. Earle Markey, S.J., Holy Cross basketball legend, had final say for all picks when the CCDSW could not reach a consensus. Any and all winnings from Fr. Boroughs’ bracket will be used at the College’s discretion and will supplement the upcoming 3.75% tuition increase.

If Fr. Boroughs wins more than $40 million from his bracket selections, the College will consider continuing the free laundry program put in place this year.

Onto the picks.

East Region In the East, Fr. Boroughs found it difficult to stray far from the popular pick of Duke. When he heard the Blue Devils’ star freshman forward Zion Williamson was named after Mount Zion in Jerusalem, featured prominently in the Old Testament, Fr. Boroughs had to put Duke through to the Final Four. While Fr. Boroughs is always a proponent of ecumenical dialogue, he could not in good faith pick the 12-seed Liberty (a Christian school) over the 5-seed Mississippi State due to some of Liberty’s beliefs and values that contradict Jesuit ideals. On a similar note, the CCDSW did agree to pick our Jesuit brothers at Saint Louis University to upset Virginia Tech in the first round (the Billikens disappointed).

Fr. Boroughs nearly predicted the upset of the tournament by selecting Bradley to shock Michigan State, a university he could not in

March 29, 2019

11

Fr. Boroughs’ NCAA Tournament Bracket Leaked

good faith support after the recent sexual assault scandal in East Lansing. In the end, Fr. Boroughs and the CCDSW are putting their prayers behind Duke and its 21st century prophet Zion to advance to the Final Four in Minneapolis.

Final Four to take on the prophet Zion - an almighty matchup.

redemption story, so he picked Virginia to advance to the Final Four after last season’s UMBC disaster.

South Region Midwest Region The South Region presented some tough decisions for Fr. Boroughs.

Two Catholic schools were pitted against each other in the first round when Villanova and Saint Mary’s

As much as Fr. Boroughs wanted to side with the 16-seed Iona West Region against UNC in the first round, he thought better of it. Plus, he knows The West Region coach Roy Wilagain saw Fr. liams is an honBoroughs side est-to-goodness, with the 1-seed.

God-fearing man Here, he had little that churns out choice. Besides good Christian Gonzaga being a men. SurprisingJesuit university, ly, he accurately Fr. Boroughs is predicted fellow a 1973 graduate Catholic school of the Spokane, Seton Hall to Wash., school! fall to Wofford, The Lord and mostly because Savior would he’s never seen never forgive him Photo ccourtesy of JesuitEast.org a jump shot as for betraying the Live action shot of Rev. Philip L. Boroughs, S.J., blessing his bracket. Big smooth as Fletchmoney, no whammies.

Bulldogs. Plus, er Magee’s. His Fr. Boroughs loyalty to the state just loves the silky smooth game College squared off. Saint Mary’s of Massachusetts led him to select of Rui Hachimura. Elsewhere in being Gonzaga’s biggest rival in Northeastern over Kansas, but the region, Fr. Boroughs had Mar- the West Coast Conference, Fr. luckily the Jayhawks got bounced quette, the Jesuit university from Boroughs sided with the defending in the second round, so his bracket Milwaukee, advancing to the Elite National Champion Wildcats of didn’t suffer too much as a result Eight. (The CCDSW did not watch Villanova. Unfortunately, he also of that ill-advised upset pick. He enough tape of Ja Morant. Good had Nova advancing to the Sweet likes Houston, mostly because thing they’re not part of Coach Sixteen, but the CCDSW failed to its head coach Kelvin Sampson Carmody’s scouting team.) After account for Purdue’s advantage reminds him of the great leader Holy Cross sent some students to of having the country’s only Engi- Samson from the Book of Judges. the state of Kentucky for spring neering School of Cloning Massive However, the Biblical warrior who break immersion trips, Fr. Bor- White Guys. Fr. Borough’s brack- derives his power from his flowing oughs decided to pick Northern et took another hit as he selected hair was not enough to overcome Kentucky University to upset Texas Patriot League foe (or friend?) to UNC, also powered by magical hair Tech. (Did the CCDSW really not upset Tennessee in the first round. in the form of Coby White’s afro. watch the Red Raiders almost beat Sources say the President’s contract UNC marches on to the Final Four.

Duke earlier this season?! NKU included a $50,000 bonus if he didn’t stand a chance.) However, picked the Patriot League Champi- Final Four and National nothing was going to stop Fr. Bor- on to win at least one game. Being Championship oughs’ devotion to his alma mater; a big fan of Jesus Christ, the Son he has Gonzaga advancing to the of God, Fr. Boroughs loves a good Duke vs. Gonzaga Part II. The

Zags topped the Blue Devils at the Maui Invitational just before Thanksgiving, many months ago.

Gonzaga remains the only team to defeat a full-strength Duke squad this season. Fr. Boroughs doubles down and picks his Gonzaga brothers to summit Mount Zion!

Coach K’s efforts to bring our savior Zion to the dark side were not enough, and the prophet announces his decision to enter the NBA Draft minutes after the final buzzer sounds. In the other national semifinal, Fr. Boroughs doesn’t really have a dog in the fight between UNC and UVA. But there’s just something about that Coach Williams and his good ole’ Carolina boys that he can’t resist. Coby White’s afro brings Fr. Boroughs back to the 70s, a time in which he dominated the courts of Seattle and Spokane with his height and length à la Bill Walton. UNC it is.

In the National Championship Game, Fr. Boroughs has a rematch of the 2017 iteration that saw the Tar Heels win their sixth national title. This game would also be the teams’ second meeting of the year, after UNC topped the Zags in Chapel Hill in December, 103-90. However, Fr. Boroughs knows how well the Tar Heels play in the friendly confines of the Dean Smith Center and how much of advantage that was in the first matchup. He also knows that Killian Tillie wasn’t available for that game for Gonzaga, and that he’ll be a factor in this rematch. In the end, Fr. Boroughs sees this as an absolute dogfight, but God is on the side of the Bulldogs. Gonzaga wins its first national championship behind massive performances from Hachimura and Brandon Clarke. Go Zags!

Sports Banter with The Lads Charlie Krumsiek ‘20 and Pat Wareham ‘20 The Lads Trout - Human, not Fish - Becomes Richest Athlete Ever Mike Trout has signed the richest contract in professional sports history at a whopping $430 million over 12 years, likely making him an Angel for the rest of his playing days. In an effort to have more people recognize this generation’s best player, the Angels put a clause in the contract for him to carry around at least a quarter of his net worth in cash at all times.

They hope the litany of Brinks trucks following him everywhere will help him become slightly more well known than NBA role players (such as Kenneth Faried) and daytime television actresses.

Holy Cross Club Soccer’s Peplowski to Return For Senior Year Winner of the 2018 Ballon d’Or, Holy Cross club soccer captain Michael Peplowski ‘20 recently an-

nounced that he intends to remain San Diego hasn’t been this excited jor League Baseball’s number one at Holy Cross for his senior year since a certain panda gave birth instigator or the race for fourth instead of pursuing a professional on live television back in the ‘70s place in the NL West? career in Gronk Sails Into Europe.

Sunset with He is the 0.69% Touchfirst Amerdown/Game Raican as well tio as the first collegiate Sorry, Pats Fans. club athGronk is retiring. lete to win To the rest of the the covpopulation, this eted award. should be cause for W h e n great excitement. asked why Where will the he planned former tight end to stay star next? WWE? at Holy Hollywood? The Cross, he next President of Photo courtesy of Zuma Press. simply rethe College of Ah, Gronk. We hardly knew ye. Happy retirement. plied, “As the Holy Cross? a history I mean, at least major, I’m super pumped for the and your favorite news anchor, Gronk would have insisted on limseminars I’ll be able to participate Ron Burgundy, was there when iting the latest tuition hike to just in senior year. It’s going to be elec- you needed him most. What am I 0.69%. Nice. (Don’t think for a tric. As for soccer, I couldn’t let the talking about, you may ask? Manny second that Gronk didn’t catch 79 boys down against Brandeis.”

Machado’s 10-year, $300 million touchdowns in 115 career games deal with the Padres of course. a 0.69 ratio - on purpose.)

San Diego is Too Nice, We Had What will be more exciting, watchto Punish Them With Machado ing Machado stir up trouble as Ma- Jason Witten, Renaissance Man

Jason Witten will be un-retiring from football and leaving the broadcast booth. Tragically for the viewers of Monday Night Football, Witten will no longer be bringing the airwaves to life with his electric calls of the game. Witten looks to fill the cataclysmic void he left in the Cowboy’s passing game, as without him, they improved from the 26th best passing team to the 23rd.

The Raiders Signed Vontaze Burfict: Because, Of Course Vontaze Burfict was released and signed by the Oakland Raiders in an attempt to regain the passion of the Black Hole in their new arena. John Gruden continues to win offseason after offseason, as his plan to instill a better defensive attitude starts with introducing his innovative brass-knuckle gloves to his linebacking corps. Burfict’s history of high character plays on the field leaves him standing among the league’s classiest, including Ray Lewis, Bill Romanowski, Ndamukong Suh, and Aaron Hernandez.

The PerSpire

12

SPORTS

March 29, 2019

The Mets, Well-Oiled Machine

Billy Fitzpatrick ‘20 Sad Fan

This past week, the New York Mets proved again just how classy of an organization they are. With spring training coming to a close, most teams (read: literally every other Major League Baseball team) prepared to travel to the city where they would kick off their 2019 campaign. However, the Mets did not do this, because the Mets do not do smart things.

Instead, management/PR/ whatever demonic spirit makes decisions in the front office thought it would be nice for the big league club to spend a day in Syracuse, New York, to promote the new AAA affiliate there. Two days before the season begins in Washington, D.C. Because, you know, the likes of Jacob deGrom and Noah Syndergaard really need to endear themselves to the good people of Syracuse ahead of all the time they’ll be spending with the AAA club.

When news of these travel plans surfaced, there weren’t many happy campers in Sarasota, Florida, where the Mets were wrapping up their spring training schedule. Asked if he was looking forward to the trip to upstate New York, Syndergaard summed it up nicely: “Not in the slightest.”

Well, I’m sure the Mets ace was just ecstatic when the team’s flight was delayed three-and-ahalf hours due to a mechanical issue, pushing the players’ arrival in Syracuse close to midnight on Monday. The players then got in

a workout on the turf of the Carrier Dome - with pitchers throwing off makeshift wooden mounds - in front of a few hundred sorry Mets fans. Not the way you want to kick off a season, with your fan-favorite ace complaining to the media about outrageous travel schedules.

week of the summer. Instead, it’s Bobby Bonilla Day: every July 1 until 2035, the Mets will pay their former All-Star $1.19 million. Bonilla was a very good player early in his career with Pittsburgh (finishing in the top-3 of MVP voting twice), and joined the Mets

Mets will pay Bonilla $29.8 million over 25 years. Better yet, the deal was made under the premise that investments made by Mets ownership with Bernie Madoff would in effect pay for Bonilla’s deferred money deal. Nice going, guys!

ter the no-hitter, he posted a 8.27 ERA, and he would never pitch in an MLB game after that season.

While it’s impossible to determine whether or not Santana’s 134-pitch effort contributed to the litany of injuries that would derail his career, it’s painfully poetic that such a highlight in Mets history led to the demise of a generational talent, potentially due in part to indiscretion by then-manager Terry Collins.

Yoenis Cespedes

Photo courtesy of Rochester Democrat and Chronicle

Thor (formally Noah Syndergaard) throwing off a wooden mound in Syracuse, NY. He wasn’t happy.

This got me thinking, there’s no way the Mets ever did anything stupid at all before this incident, right? There’s no way … I can’t remember them ever being so stu -Bobby Bonilla There’s no better place to start a list of the Mets’ most boneheaded decisions than with the Bobby Bonilla contract. For Mets fans, July 1 is not the start of the best

for four mostly successful years in 1991 as a free agent. Later on, New York reacquired the washedup 36-year-old (one of the organization’s favorite things to do), who played only 60 games for the club in 1999, clearly on the decline. The Mets then decided they didn’t want to pay his $5.9 million salary for 2000, so they offered a “deferred money deal” in which the team would pay Bonilla $1.19 every year from 2011 to 2035. In the end, the

Johan Santana On June 1, 2012, Johan Santana pitched the first and only no-hitter in franchise history. It was an incredible moment for Mets fans, many of whom had lost faith and doubted we would ever see such a great performance by a player in Orange and Blue. So what’s so bad about it? After the no-hitter, Santana’s ERA for the season fell to a stout 2.38. In his ten starts af-

If You Give a NARP a Gym Jayquelin Cannonononon ’20 Almost Failed High School Gym If you give a NARP a gym, she’s going to try to go on the treadmill.

When the treadmill doesn’t work, she’s going to ask for it to be fixed.

When you refuse to fix the treadmill, she’ll probably ask you for some weights.

When she’s realized there aren’t any, she’ll look for an exercise bike.

When she finally finds an open one, she’ll notice how crowded the gym is.

She’ll probably feel guilty and get off the bike after a few miles.

So she’ll probably want to walk up to Hart.

When she’s trudged up to Hart, she’ll wish she hadn’t pedaled so fast on the bike.

She’ll wait in the line to check in.

She might get carried away and dare to look at an D1 Varsity student-athlete.

She may even end up wishing she tried out for her high school volleyball team many moons ago so she too could gain access to a $95 million athletic facility!

When she’s checked in, she’ll probably want to use the weights.

She’ll have to be creative in how to use weights in such a cramped space.

She’ll crawl in, attempt to make herself comfortable, and do a few arm curls.

She’ll probably realize she forgot to fill her water bottle.

So she’ll put the weights down and head over to the water fountain.

When she returns, she’ll get angry that someone took her spot.

So instead she’ll want to use the yoga mats to stretch, Which means she’ll need to clean it.

She’ll go to get sanitizer and realize the bottle is all out.

So she’ll decide to go back and stretch in Loyola.

On the way back down to Loyola, she’ll spot the old fieldhouse, which will remind her it won’t be finished before she’s graduated.

So...she’ll ask for a functioning treadmill in the meantime.

And chances are if a NARP asks you for a treadmill, she’s going to want an adequate gym to put it in.

This article could easily turn into a book with all the misery Mets fans have endured, but let’s end with a more recent example: Yoenis Cespedes. Early in the 2018 season, Cespedes, the Mets’ highest-paid position player and most powerful offensive weapon, missed two months with lower body injuries.

Finally healthy (well, uh, kinda?), Cespedes returned to the lineup and immediately provided a spark by hitting a home run in his first game back. However, that would the last game Cespedes played in 2018 (and he may be out for all of 2019, too). According to Cespedes, he had been dealing with chronic pain in both of his heels for a good amount of time. But the Mets medical staff knew nothing of this. So Cespedes played, then shut himself down, and eventually opted for surgery on both heels. When news of this story was breaking, Mets brass looked like chickens with their heads cut off, knowing nothing of any heel problem for Cespedes.

Because, that’s what the Mets do.

Great services at a great price--and that’s no joke!