Eggplant Edition: March 26, 2021

Volume C, Number 19

Day 378 of Unprecedented Times

Worcester, Massachusetts

Students Thank Holy Cross Administration for Taking Away Spring Break Jocelyn Buggy ‘22 On a Plane to Miami During typical semesters, the first week of March brings a welcome break for Holy Cross students, faculty, and staff. The campus usually buzzes with excitement on the last Friday of classes before a whole nine days of rest and relaxation. Whether jetting to a tropical location or going home to spend time with family, students have generally looked forward to some time away from campus after eight grueling weeks of academics.

One might think that the unprecedented emotional, physical, and financial stress facing college students as a result of the global Covid-19 pandemic would make Holy Cross students want a break now more than ever. However, this appears to be far from the truth, as students organized a letter writing campaign last week to thank the Holy Cross administration for their decision to take away Spring Break this semester.

From Monday March 15 to Friday March 19, over 1,000 students wrote heartfelt thank you notes to the administration expressing their gratitude for taking away something that typically brings them such joy. The organizers of this initiative had originally planned to tape these letters on the walls of Fenwick 1. Due to the

physical, and emotional cues for rest in the name of academics.”

Sophomore Jessa Buggar ‘23 told The Spire that she was initially disappointed by the Spring Break news, but is now appreciative of the administration’s decision. “I love that Holy Cross knows me even better than I know myself,” she said. “This reminds me of last semester when 1,500 people signed a petition to get a Pass/ Fail policy. After the school told us that we couldn’t come back to campus two weeks before move-in day, I thought I wanted some compassion from my institution- but now, I’m Graphic by Hui Li ‘21 grateful to have been so humbled by the drop in my GPA. Despite a grueling semester, Holy Cross thankfully provided no Spring Break Plus, no Spring Break means overwhelming support from the stu- ed to thank Holy Cross for pushing that I have even more time to dent body, however, the entire first me beyond what I had always con- eat haddock from Kimball, which is floor was completely covered with sidered the breaking point of my what I’m really willing to pay 3.25% thank you notes by 2pm on Monday. physical and mental health. I’ve re- more for next year!” Buggar’s senBecause of this, the overflow of let- ally appreciated how the school has timent seems to reflect the general ters were placed in the Cantor Art reimagined cura personalis for its tone of the student body, as discusGallery, as many of them featured students this year. People always talk sions have begun regarding how to artistic design elements including about the importance of rest in order convince the administration to shortrhinestones and heart-shaped stick- to avoid things like “burn out” and en winter break by 5 weeks. Overall, ers. “hitting a wall,” but the administra- Holy Cross students are clearly grateThe Spire had the opportunity tion has shown me that those ideas ful for another 7 days of crushing to interview a number of students are simply outdated. By maintaining academic pressure to distract them to hear first-hand why they are so this immense level of academic pres- from the stress of Covid-19. grateful to Holy Cross for this Spring sure with no break, Holy Cross has Break decision. John Chobani ‘21 shown me what I’m really capable of: said: “I wrote a letter because I want- ignoring my body’s desperate mental,

Holy Cross Set to Build New Apartments on Campus

Inside The Spire

News.......................1 Opinions.................4 Features..................7 Eggplant.................10 Sports.....................11

Fauci Becomes HC’s New Mascot Page 6

myHC Launches Dating App Page 9 Venture for a Vaccine Page 10

Ethan Bachand ‘22 Yellow Car Enthusiast On March 27, the College of the Holy Cross announced that they would be building a new apartmentstyle dormitory on freshman field.

The new $26 million capitol project will encompass 43,000 square feet of living within a spherical design. This initiative, which is funded by the tuition increase set for next year, aims to resolve the impending housing crisis for the rising senior class.

The new residence hall, modeled after the pterodactyl exhibit in Jurassic World, will take up the space currently reserved for the Spring Concert. Despite objections from the Campus Activity Board, the administration pushed forward with the plan. An unnamed source within Fenwick confirmed this dispute, stating that administrators sat and watched silently as CAB leadership...

CONTINUED ON PG. 3

Crimson Tide Rolls Cross Page 11

Treasure Map Page 13 Graphic by Hui Li ‘21

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The Spire

NEWS

March 26, 2021

Flipped Classroom Approach: Who Needs Professors When You Have Yourself Sarah Carter ‘24 High School Graduate, Ph.D.

Students at the College of the Holy Cross are among the most overworked and encumbered of any high ranking academic institution in the United States. From fulfilling scores of classic British readings to performing semesters’ worth of lab research, the students here have scant time for recreation or leisure. In fact, the sole ambition of the institution’s academic planning panel — which is headed by a team of Cool Beans baristas — is to render students to the point of complete enervation on a regular basis – a ploy to increase students’ coffee expenditures, some might say. In recent years, the panel has been especially successful. Not only are students withering beneath the load of their scholarly responsibilities, but they are quite literally breaking under the weight of their newly assigned professorial roles.

Yes, you read that properly: students are dually functioning as professors. Want to learn more? Well, now you can! Look no further than the panel’s flipped classroom model, which can be found in curricula throughout the College.

The flipped classroom model has transformed standard learning conventions at the College of the Holy Cross. By facilitating the regression from instructor-led learning back to defunct methods of selfteaching, this approach imposes the responsibilities of learning on the students. Rather than attend a lecture where professors disseminate information to students and distribute take-home assignments, students come to class having already done all of the information processing on their own (in a way that is largely conducive to a faulty, misconstrued understanding of the material)! Who needs a professor, right? Students are provided pre-taped lecture videos to review prior to attending class and must incorporate the full breadth of information contained within them on their own so that professors do not have to! Professors are intended to serve as secondary aids only and function to answer any questions students have regarding the material that cannot otherwise be found via Google. Cool Beans panel members have illuminated a number of benefits associated with this

Photo by Hui Li ‘21

method of learning, some of which we have provided below: Benefit #1: You do not have to do anything in class because you did all the work on your own beforehand! That’s right! Dispel any concerns you have about performing large sums of work during your lecture meeting. To your satisfaction, you will find that you only need to sit and listen (or maybe not listen because you surely will not miss much). In fact, the in-class portion should be quite pleasant.

For the next fifty minutes, you can practice assimilating all of the information you reviewed the night before by sitting in silence listening to a third of the class ask three variations of the same useless question.

While the videos you viewed last night contained a cumulative total of twenty-one slides, anticipate to only touch on a third of them and listen instead as the Professor unnecessarily prattles on about a question whose answer takes one minute to communicate. Think you’re done? Not yet. Now listen as the inquiring students pose yet another question which is necessary only because the professor so poorly articulated their response to the first one. Sit idly as this continues for ten minutes of the class period. You will also find that there is no need to worry yourself about group work, practice examples, or onerous calculations. You will do

very minimal, if any of these! At most, be prepared to answer one thirty second poll question measuring two percent of your acquired knowledge from the night before.

Benefit #2: Under the flipped classroom approach, you receive a complementary (actually noncomplementary) $7,000 YouTube subscription which unlocks a semester’s worth of pre-class lecture videos for the class featuring a professor who may or may not be your own! Revel in the pure enjoyment of previewing nightly hour-long videos BEFORE your synchronous lecture the next day and rest comfortably as new, totally unfamiliar information that you will lose track of within the next hour is distributed to you. Have questions about what you watched? No problem!

Simply pause and ask the lecturer (wait lol, you can’t). Instead, come to class over a day later and wait for your questions to resurface from the remnants of your half-conscious, fractured understanding of the material and run them by the professor.

Benefit #3: There is something new to learn every night! Under the flipped classroom approach, there is no time to apply learned materials outside of the exceedingly-mute in-class period. Prepare to discuss content for only one fiftyminute block before moving onto something else, therefore retaining

almost nothing! It is just not possible to allot time for worksheets or group assignments (but there is time for the occasional eight-minute quiz which costs you TWENTY points for every missed problem), but this is to your delight, I am sure. After class, allow yourself to expunge and completely let go of the complete bulk of information you attempted to make sense of the night before, and begin watching the next assigned video set, which will be just as unfamiliar to you as the previous night’s work and only further compound your confusion.

But again, never fear! You will not have to talk or do anything in class.

Benefit #4: There is no need to ever attend office hours. That is correct! The discussion portion of the class which you attend three times a week is your designated office hours session for which all thirty-seven of your peers are present. Talk about saving time! During this time, you should plan to wait ten minutes and listen as a select minority of your peers submit their questions to the professor (who may or may not have even been the lecturer in the pre-class videos) who will certainly recite an answer that does not correspond at all to your collective understanding of the material.

Benefit #5: You will never need to study for exams! If you do not already know at this point, you are The Spire student newspaper

Kelly Gallagher, Matthew Anderson Dread sovereigns, making it up as they go College of the Holy Cross Published weekly since 1925 Ethan Bachand, Jocelyn Buggy, Davey Sullivan, Devyn Forcina, Sarah Carter Our eyes and ears everywhere Maggie Connolly, Julia Maher, Grace Manning, Joseph Barbieri, Catherine Yaskira 233 spats with the Fenwick Review and counting Grace Bromage, Bridget Flaherty, Nicole Letendre, Stacey Kaliabakos, Caroline Wallace Zoom culture Please address correspondence to: vultures The Spire Hannah Johnson, Mario Micallef, Michael Vail, Julianna Mariani We will not rest until every Cool Beans shake P.O. Box 32A has been tiered College of the Holy Cross 1 College Street Mike O’Brien, Jimmy Casey Alphas blacklisted from the Jo for booking all the timeslots Worcester, MA 01610-2395 Hope Goodman, Kennedy Corrado, Brigie English, Anna Morris, Sarah O’Rourke, Sophia Carmenati Actually own a dictionary Email: spire@g.holycross.edu Hui Li Canva Queen Website: hcspire.com Valentina Moran, Claudia Hajjer, Kate Nedorostek Using professional Zoom profile pictures Bianca Miccolis, Emma Cerrato, Sydney Santosuosso *hacker voice* We’re in Caroline Manganaro, Cassie Smith Keeping our insta ratios balanced Professor Steve Vineberg Still babysitting over sabbatical To advertise in The Spire: Dean Brenda Hounsell Sullivan, Sandra Burke Quality control, saved us from having to issue 53 separate apologies Email: spire@g.holycross.edu Phone: (508) 293-1283

your own professor. YOU sit with YOURSELF for multiple nights of the week dexterously and painstakingly recording notes and bearing the brunt of hours’ worth of lecture videos. You arrive at class and really gain no additional knowledge, but you have mastered the material already, so be not dismayed. Upon the announcement of an impending exam, know that you have almost no work to do at all. Simply rewalk through every individual presentation powerpoint again from start to finish (to furnish your severely deficient understanding of the material) and be prepared to succeed after lecturing yourself on the material again for a second time. Go you, Mr./Ms. Professor!

Benefit #6: You learn to synthesize information from a host of different sources. That is right, you heard me! Not only are you responsible for the information contained within the pre-class videos, but you also must keep pace with frequently assigned discussion questions, supplemental handouts/videos/ presentations, and textbook readings/discussion questions, therefore leaving you no time for any of your other classes! Rejoice in the abundance of overly jumbled information you will have accumulated by the time you have to begin preparing for your next exam. Trying to find the specific document where concept x is discussed? You have plenty of resources to reference!

Is it in your presentation notes??

Hmm, no? What about the twelve page supplementary handout? The minute passage on page eighty of the textbook? Surely you will locate the information somehow; you are the professor, after all!

The College’s academic planning panel assuredly believes that all students instructed under the flipped classroom approach will develop the necessary competencies to better succeed in the classroom and more importantly, supersede their own professors. If you would like to experience this opportunity yourself, elect to take a course under this approach and designate your tuition dollars to a course in which most of the help you receive is from you yourself.

The Spire is a non-profit, non-partisan student publication of the College of the Holy Cross.

The Spire is distributed free of charge to all students, faculty, staff, and employees of the institution.

The Spire welcomes letters and op-eds from its readers. Please include your name, address, telephone number, and e-mail address. No submissions will be printed anonymously. All submissions may be edited for content, and must be received by the Sunday prior to publication. The Spire reserves the right not to publish any letter or content deemed objectionable or which does not meet the editorial standards of the newspaper. Letters may be mailed, e-mailed, or brought to The Spire office in Hogan 235.

The opinions expressed within the newspaper are not necessarily those of the College of the Holy Cross. This newspaper is printed by Community Newspaper Company. Reproduction of any part of this paper is by permission of The Spire only.

The Spire

NEWS

March 26, 2021

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Eggplant Government Association Senate Segment THIS WEEK IN THE EGA SENATE:

Legislation

Committee Updates

E-37: Upon the 7-day average temperature reaching 75 degrees in Worcester, water slides will be laid out on the hill from Fenwick to Kimball for faster and cooler transportation.

Committee Updates: The Senate has instituted a stricter filibuster rule, that requires all but one person to agree on any legislation. Recent measures proposed by the SGA Senate have fallen due to this rule, including but not limited to: providing a full tuition refund for the fall semester, solving world hunger, building an elevator to the moon, and building a larger ice-skating rink.

E-12: A 12-round boxing match will be instituted for determining budgets amongst the various RSOs E-20: Fauci Fridays Join us for our next meeting on 2/21 at 8 pm EST on Zoom!

5/25/600 Minutes

Check back weekly for more Senate-specific updates and initiatives to make student life easier on the Hill. CONTACT US: www.facebook.com/HCSenate Instagram: @sga_hcsenate sgasenate@g.holycross.edu

REVEALED: Independent Ethics Probe Reveals that Holy Cross Spent $4.3 Million to Transition to MyHC Davey Sullivan ‘22 Rehm Library Correspondent In a recent independent ethics probe conducted by The Spire, it has been revealed that beginning in October 2020, the Holy Cross administration had begun spending copious amounts of the operating budget on marketing the myHC platform for students as a “useful” and “worthwhile” app to download.

This budget inquiry comes after scrutiny toward Holy Cross for keeping tuition at $35,000+ for classes held entirely on Zoom for the Fall 2020 semester. The Spire has been acting as a budget watchdog because 35,000 a student was deemed to be a large amount to pay when their were virtually no operating expenses outside of zoom accounts.

The probe revealed that Holy Cross had diverted funds for pushing myHC away from many other important campus uses, including funds used to give beloved Gracie the HC Police comfort dog an adequate haircut, severely limiting dining options like Crossroads, CONT. FROM PG. 1 made their case through a karaoke performance.

The new dorm has not yet been named. In order to raise enough money to cover inevitable delay costs, the College will host a bidding amongst alumni for naming rights. Officials at Holy Cross hope, as one member from the Bursar’s office confirmed, that they will “have enough money to do the project twice but use the extra money to pad the endowment.” In lieu of that funding currently, the Holy Cross administration has planned cuts to the dining services and student in-

Photo by Valentina Moran ‘23

Coolbeans, the Pub, and Lower Kimball, closing the Lobby Shop at awkward hours, completely closing the Kimball Bakery and Cafe Babel, funds used to keep gates to campus unlocked on the weekends, limiting access to study spaces at

volvement budgets.

Initial blueprints for the building, which were not formally announced but found after an Officer Gracie reconnaissance mission, show that dorm will have no kitchen. Instead, the College will leave open space for students to bring their own kitchen.

Private bathrooms will be available for extra charge, while access to the communal bathrooms costs the same amount. The dorm’s common space will feature repurposed chairs from other buildings. These cost saving measures on the new project are intended to purchase new sound equipment at the recently con-

night (chiefly by locking the door to Smith at approximately 7pm), as well at heating buildings like Fenwick over the weekends.

The long list of budget cuts provided Holy Cross with the power to try and convince people to use

the app. Marketing campaigns calling the app “adequate” and a “fine” outlet for campus activities were used to push the app and the platform. This came before a time where people were able to see other notifications on their phones other

structed Joanne-Chouinard Luth Recreation and Wellness Center.

Seniors have expected this announcement for some time, as recent communication from the College indicated that there would not be enough on-campus apartment living options for the rising class of 2022. In an email sent on March 8, Residence Life stated that 177 rising seniors would not be able to live in either Williams or Figge Hall.

While this does not technically violate the promise of guaranteed housing all four years, the promise of apartment style living on-campus is something many students

anticipate.

As a result, students began to plan for the worst. Some students bought mountain climbing tents that they could attach to the side of the building. Others, with a practical fear of heights, made up fake thesis projects so they could move onto campus in the summer and then receive squatter’s rights for the fall. This plan was quickly routed by the summer research committee who, besides sending emails every hour at the fifteen-minute mark, noticed a slew of architecture submissions about space capacity on a college campus.

than myHC alerts.

MyHC has drawn overwhelmingly negative and apathetic responses from students, with an anonymous sophomore commenting to The Spire that, “there is no practical reason for the app whatsoever. Let’s get Gracie a better haircut.”

The app allows students to connect with groups on campus that they are a part of and have largely been able to connect with before the introduction of it. Additionally, the app sends many, many notifications so that it is absolutely ensured that no one will miss any news from any Holy Cross group, even if that means that students miss other important notifications on their phones.

The Spire is continuing its ethics probe into the way that the Holy Cross administration is spending its budget. The Gracie haircut funds will be especially scrutinized until they are returned.

One anonymous member of the Class of 2022 commented on this news, stating how the new housing development is a great relief.

“Frankly,” she said, “I thought the College was simply unprepared and over-accepted students to the point where they can only guarantee housing freshman year. I’m a little shocked, but happy that there is a plan in place. Honestly, if they didn’t have one, that would just be ridiculous.”

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The Spire

CAVIAR TO THE GENERAL

Opinions

March 26, 2021

See What Other Students Are Thinking Around Campus...

The Essential Email We Didn’t Know We Needed email. This “look forward to the fall” comes at the perfect time in the semester, when seniors are feeling hopeful that senior events will be as good as ever. It is so exciting to think about the zooms and virtual occasions that are planned to cap off the seniors’ final year at Holy Cross. The entire Senior class is waiting in anticipation of more emails like this one!

Grace Manning ‘21 Unsolicited Senior Holy Cross Email Critic The Senior class was relieved to see that they were kept on the list of those who received Father Borough’s email concerning Fall 2021.

Without the sentence, conveniently in bold, “I am happy to announce that we are planning for a return to fully in-person classes and on-campus activities for the fall semester”, the seniors would have never known about the plans for reopening after their graduation. Seniors were overjoyed that the school would be returning to normal; the fact that they wouldn’t be there to see it hardly mattered to them. They were glad to be featured and acknowledged in the email with the lengthy and sympathetic one-sentence promise of an in-person commencement and the joining of the alumni family to look forward to, during a Spring already chock full of exciting news.

To add to the thrill of the announcement, Father Boroughs promised to keep us updated with Fall plans through regular email updates! The senior class looking

Graphic design by Hui Li ‘21 forward to learning even more about what is to come next fall for everyone except them. The specifics help the seniors understand what

the Fall will be like and this is essential in knowing what to expect when they don’t return to campus in August. No more social distanc-

ing, back to in-person classes and resuming all normal college activities are just a few of the compelling pieces of news included in the

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring, The Snowflakes Are Crying could call PNW natives snowflakes for cancelling events due to snow, it is important to remember that snow is much more dangerous than rain, especially for driving. The Northeastern US has much better systems in place to manage snowfall, including a plethora of plows and other equipment to allow people to carry on like normal. Rain, however, does not require any of that special attention because it is inherently innocuous. These cultural phenomenons and differences in behaviors among regions of the US are intriguing and perplexing.

By traveling to other places, we can enrich our cultural understanding and tolerance of other groups of people.

Julia Maher ‘23 Mrs. Green Christmas (Heat Miser) When people from other areas of the US travel to New England, they may be bewildered by many things—the obsession with sports teams, the accent, the blunt attitude—but one phenomenon is completely inexplicable. Many events are cancelled due to rain in New England; however, when there’s snow on the ground for the majority of the winter, they do not seem to mind it. They carry on with their lives like nothing happened and just don’t care. Once it even remotely drizzles, however, they all become “special snowflakes” and decide to cancel events due to the weather, which is an extension of cancel culture.

I come from the Pacific Northwest (PNW) where we don’t even use umbrellas when it down pours and we just carry on like normal.

I remember when I first arrived at Holy Cross for my freshman year, and I heard that an event had been cancelled because of rain. I thought to myself, why would they possibly do that? I am so accustomed to rain that it doesn’t bother me at all. I had never heard of events be-

Graphic design by Hui Li ‘21s ing cancelled because of rain, with the exception of maybe the odd baseball game. When interviewing a sophomore PNW native about her perspective, Sarah Cooper ’23

said, “I feel like when it’s like down pouring in the PNW nobody thinks twice, but in New England it’s like chaos & full on complaining the minute it starts to barely drizzle.”

This definitely rings true—when it starts raining lightly, many Holy Cross students complain and do not even want to go outside.

Although New Englanders

The Spire

OPINIONS

March 26, 2021

5

What is the Real Cost of a Golden Globe Award?

Maggie Connolly ’21 Journalist Rejected from the HFPA We are officially in the thick of the greatest time of year: award show season. It is an exciting year for many newcomers in the music, film, and television industry. The Grammy’s were early in March and the Golden Globes swept the nation in late February. Meanwhile, the Oscars are just under a month away.

So, what does it cost to win one of these prestigious awards?

Well at the Globes, it is about $1,400 and a transcontinental plane ride. At least that is what it cost to get Emily in Paris nominated for two Golden Globes.

The 30 journalists from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association that were flown to Paris on this allexpenses paid vacation, excuse me, work trip, were just 30 white members of the 87 all-white organization that dictates the awards show.

The Golden Globes are clearly the most prestigious of the big three awards shows, constantly revered even by its own hosts. In 2016, host Ricky Gervais called the awards given “a bit of metal that some nice old confused journalists wanted to give you in person so they could meet you and have a selfie with you.” These 87 journalists that make up the HFPA are some of the most cultured, in-tune members of society. A mediocre performance from Lily Collins with a cringey

Graphic design by Hui Li ‘21 phone case, Darren Star, and angry French people? It truly does not get much more worldly than that.

They are so in touch with the culture of film and television that they included everyone’s Netflix guiltypleasure show in their nominations in lieu of the countless works

by Black folk from 2020. In the

midst of a global racial reckoning, they chose the whitest, untoasted croissant of a television show.

The HFPA simply ‘forgot’ Michaela Coel’s show I May Destroy You and Insecure, both with black female leads. They also did not seem to watch Da Five Bloods, Judas and the Black Messiah, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, or One Night

in Miami. They must have been too busy at the Louvre to sit down and watch the films. Of course, we all had the busiest schedules in 2020.

In a statement released after the show, the HFPA claimed they have always worked towards “elevating future film and television professionals from all walks of life

Eisenhower? Ronald Reagan?

It is time for the Republican party to accept the fact that Donald Trump has served his time

shown, it was very obvious that the American people were tired of Trump and his policies. Going back to 2024, it is important to note that Trump will not change h i s ways.

W e

unified by their shared passion and love for film and television.” The life of the institution’s really seems to have worked to include professionals “from all walks of life” this year through Emily in Paris. One of their own writers called the culture of the show, “a white American selling luxury whiteness.” A gorgeous representation of all walks of life, if I do say so myself.

The Globes clearly have the purest of intentions when it comes to rebuilding their legacy of Frenchinclusive, award show worthy-adjacent content. They gave themselves a brisk deadline of 60 days to figure their new message out, a brisk deadline for some earnest changes!

They had a year to sit with their trip to Paris and unravel the morality, or lack thereof, behind nominating Emily in Paris. But hey, who says people, or decades old institutions, cannot change in 60 days!

If there is hope for the 87 white journalists in the HFPA, there is probably hope for ending white supremacy in the country at large.

We just need a 60-day deadline!

The Trumplican Party: An Examination of Trump’s Demagoguery in the GOP Joe Barbieri ‘23 Lobbyist

Recently, I was scrolling through Twitter and viewing the profile of many conservative politicians, candidates, and commentators. The majority of them have described themselves similarly, such as being pro-life, pro-gun, and pro-wall.

However, they also have another thing in common: they describe themselves as being pro-Trump.

After seeing such a description, I could not wrap my head around such a thing. In the past, I have written about the dangers of putting politicians on a pedestal. We have seen this with the Democrats and former President Barack Obama, but in the case of Trump, the majority of the Republican party has welcomed his demagoguery with open arms This worship of Donald Trump is not only concerning, but it evidently makes no sense.

It seems that I have beaten horse with this example think it rings true: Why one worship, defend, and

a dead but I would idolize

a twice impeached president who has lost the popular vote twice?

Even if you were to worship a former Republican president, why would you pick Donald Trump? Why not pick Abraham Lincoln? Dwight D.

Photo courtesy of Vanity Fair in the Oval Office. And those who keep hoping that he will run again in 2024 are effectively dooming any shot for regaining the White House.

As the 2020 election has

thought that he would calm down when he became president, but he was even more outspoken, disrespectful, and abrasive.

We do not live in a

monarchy; we live in a republic. We should not worship our political leaders. Obviously, we can look up to them, learn from them, and respect them. However, treating them like a god implies that they deserve our worship.

The President of the United States works for us. It’s time we remember that. It’s time we hold our Commander-inchief responsible again. There’s a quote from one of my favorite movies, The American President, that aptly reflects this reality: “I’m a citizen, this is my President. And in this country it is not only permissible to question our leaders, it’s our responsibility!”

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The Spire

OPINIONS

March 26, 2021

Fauci Becomes HC’s New Mascot: Former Alum is Eternally Grateful Catherine Yaskira ‘24 Spreading School Spirit In an UNPRECEDENTED PR stunt, the College of the Holy Cross has changed its mascot from an armor-clad crusader to an armorclad Anthony Fauci. Armed with vaccines instead of a sword, the reinvented HC mascot is embracing the “new normal” while reaping the benefits of their now-famous alum!

With all of the press Fauci has been getting because of COVID-19, the head of the HC mascot focus group was quoted saying, “Hey, we might as well ride on Fauci’s coattails a bit longer…. Oh, uh, and we’re really proud of the work he has done with the pandemic and blah blah blah.” What better way to honor the world-renowned immunologist leading the fight against COVID than immortalizing him in a funny purple costume?!

Needless to say, Dr. Fauci is beyond grateful for this coveted honor. Over the past year, Fauci has become a household name known for his work on COVID-19. He

recently won the international onemillion-dollar Dan David Prize, has been featured in magazines, and made headlines; he has been praised by leaders worldwide and is the chief medical advisor to the president, et cetera et cetera. But no other reward is more meaningful than becoming the HC mascot. An anonymous school administrator reported that when Fauci heard the great news, he said, with tears in his eyes, “Becoming the mascot of my AMAZING alma mater is the greatest honor I have ever received.

This is the pinnacle of my career.

I can say with full certainty that I will never be happier than I am at this moment.”

Fauci’s trail of accolades and accomplishments started long before his involvement in dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic. He became the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases in 1984 and has worked tirelessly as a lead researcher during the AIDS epidemic and has advised seven presidents on HIV/AIDS along with other health threats. The

same anonymous school administrator also reported that Fauci said, “Though I earned my medical degree from Cornell, I owe all of my medical expertise and subsequent accomplishments to Holy Cross, the best college in the nation...no… the world”. So really, when you think about it, Holy Cross deserves at least 60% of the credit for all of the things Fauci has done; and the college humbly accepts the nation’s gratitude and in return only requests that Fauci personally administer the COVID vaccine to all HC students and faculty.

Congrats Fauci!

Photos courtesy of Holy Cross; graphic design by Kate Nedorostek ‘23

Snapshots From the Hill This is what they keep raising the tuition for

To the heathen who abandoned their liquid gold you okay, bro?

Frisbee FREE to the first daredevil willing to claim it No caption needed

Image Not Found: Spring Break 2021

Enemies of the heir, beware the Dinand basement

The Spire

Features

Crusader of the Week: The Campus Stairs Favorite Kimball meal: Face plants Favorite Cool Beans Drink: The tears of the weak Name: Bane (of this community’s Favorite spot on campus: Dinand. existence) Getting between the nerds and their Hometown: books brings me joy Worcester Favorite off-campoured and pus restaurant: Are raised! you mocking me?

Major: Physical Guilty Pleasure: Education Listening to Miley Campus ActiviCyrus’ “The Climb” ties: Hazing new Some small things students, forcing that make your people into day better: Meeting shape, bringing students running the community late for class; people together through tripping; icy mornshared suffering ings Favorite Movie: First thing you do Rocky when you wake up: Favorite song: “Wake up?” Please.

“Highway to Like every other Hell” member of this Favorite singer/ community, I grind Photo by Valentina Moran ‘23 group: Listening 24/7 to the out-ofLast thing you do breath fools before going to attempting to scale me is music to bed: Trying to wheedle my off-hours my ears out of me? Don’t get your hopes up Favorite color: Vomit of the uninitiFavorite place you have traveled to: ated Sometimes I live vicariously through Favorite sports team: I’ve humbled the students I send to the ER them all Something you look forward to Favorite class taken at Holy Cross: when you go home: Home is where Ethics of Fitness (I failed) the heart is, and my heart is in others’ Item on HC Bucket List: To be misery incorporated in the graduation Post-Graduation Plans: Just when ceremony you thought you’d seen the last of Embarrassing HC Moment: Cute. me, I’ll creep up on you at class You thought I could feel shame reunions Bragging Rights: I am single-handFavorite memory at HC: I suppose edly responsible for driving up the I only came to appreciate this in HC drop-out rate hindsight, but listening to Dr. Fauci Words to live by: What doesn’t kill complain about me you doesn’t prepare you to meet me One thing you would change at HC: The elevators Favorite TV Show: AFV Favorite Book: Les Miserables

by Kelly Gallagher ‘22 Winded

FEATURES

March 26, 2021

7

A Secret Construction Project on the Hill Stacey Kaliabakos ‘23 Investigative Journalist For quite a long time now, Holy Cross has been abuzz with the pleasant sounds of construction. The new testing center (I mean, the “Recreation and Wellness Center”) was finally completed just in time for students this spring to take full advantage of it-- in the middle of a pandemic, no less. Who wouldn’t want to get all sweaty and gross in the same building as students lining up to get tested for COVID-19? It’s mind-boggling how people may not want to use the Jo for their personal workouts-it’s definitely worth waking up before 8 AM to sign up for a slot of myHC, everyone’s favorite social media app. And the upand-coming Julia, the new Performing Arts Center, is looking quite dashing up on Mount St. James. Who on earth would not appreciate a gigantic building blocking the near-perfect skyline of Worcester? I can definitely trade the beautiful sunset views from the Hart Center for the lovely billowing of tarps and sounds of banging equipment from the Performing Arts Center.

However, another construction project at the College of the Holy Cross has been kept under wraps for a while. A few weeks ago while eating in Kimball, I overheard (a miraculous feat, in my opinion, considering the loudness of the funky covers that typically prevent people from hearing one another at meals) some staff members talking about an undertaking the school had recently signed off on. What could it be? A new dining hall?

An extension to the library? More housing for cramped students?

Fully functional bathrooms???

As a true journalist, I took it upon myself to figure out what the school was planning for us. In between classes, I braved my Zoom fatigue and silenced the incessant screams of my Canvas notifications to do some investigating.

Wa l k i n g the halls of O’Kane, sleuthing outside doors in Smith, and even eavesdropping around the construction work outside in the bitter New England winter weather, I began to piece it all together.

Eventually, my curiosity got the best of me, forcing me to do what should only be done in a spy film-- I snuck into Father Boroughs’ office. (This may seem excessive to you, dear reader, but our top priority at The Spire is to bring you all the information we can about Holy Cross, and I was not about to disappoint our dedicated audience by not breaking this huge story.) Walking across the solid wooden floors, my footsteps creaking with every step, I came upon his desk. Spread out over the entirety of its surface was a blueprint… a blueprint of an enormous Dr. Fauci statue.

The plan is for this statue to be built with its base spanning the entirety of the Hoval. The statue

Graphic design by Hui Li ‘21

is to be made entirely of marble and will be over 50 feet tall (unintentionally ironic for Fauci’s 5’7” height). This way, Holy Cross’ most notable alum will always be front and center not only in the minds of students, but literally on Holy Cross’ campus itself.

The legacy of Father Boroughs, who will be departing from Holy Cross this fall, rests upon the development of this monument-- it is a testament to #HCTogether, a blazing example of how far a Jesuit liberal arts education can take someone (if they actually pay attention in class), and the physical manifestation of where the college is allocating your tuition money.

Whatever this news may mean to Holy Cross students individually, I know what it means to me: Fauci Friday… every day.

Wanted: The Holy Cross Crooks Nicole Letendre ‘23 Liaison to the D.U.H.

While Holy Cross is known as a relatively safe campus, a recent emergence of a notorious creature on campus has provoked a spike in stolen food and menacing stare-downs.

That creature, you may well know as the mighty Holy Cross squirrel.

2-3ft long, and weighing north of 10 pounds, these monsters have preyed on hurried students near the shadowy brush of Campion House, locking reddened beady eyes with the teary eyes of students. After a recent close-encounter, Holy Cross student Terry F. Ide recounted, hands still shaking, “They don’t fear death.” It’s safe to say Terry will think twice be-

fore locking eyes with a Holy Cross squirrel again.

That is not even the beginning of the horror stories. Another student, who prefers to remain anonymous, claimed after walking out of Lower Kimball, to see a blood-thirsty squirrel with a chicken leg gripped between its jaws, scaling down the side of a trash can. The scraping of claws, rap, rap, rap, still haunts his dreams.

At that moment, the squirrel hissed with teeth bared, as the student went running. There seems to be no end to the chilling accounts.

There can only be one explanation for the unique behavior of these squirrels and it comes from a tall-tale. According to legend, Cool Beans has a hidden pipe which flows out into the woods, expelling the

excess coffee after hours. Some have speculated that that undisclosed location happens to be the home of the squirrels, or more commonly known as the Holy Cross Crooks.

This coffee may be the source of their super-squirrel strength. If you have any information on these creatures, or any close-encounters of your own to share, please contact the Department of Unexplained Habitats, also known as D.U.H. The D.U.H. advises that under no circumstances should you approach these unpredictable creatures, and they offer a helpful acronym for what NOT to do: Provoke. Offer food. Kneel. Eye contact. Do not P.O.K.E. and you will surely survive any close-encounter.

Graphic design by Hui Li ‘21

8

The Spire

ARTICLES, ARTICLES, ARTICLES

March 26, 2021

The Place To Be: The Jo Bridget Flaherty ‘21 The Jo’s Resident Treadmill Squatter Worcester’s hottest club is … the Jo! It has everything -- treadmills, ellipticals, squat racks, college-approved COVID tests, rowing machines, massive bottles of hand sanitizer, and cutouts of Dr. Fauci taped to traffic cones. On any given day, you can see students lining up outside the doors with reusable water bottles and an extra pair of sneakers, ready to post an Instagram story as soon as they enter the gym.

The anticipation proved too much for one underclassman who had to cancel her appointment due to lightheadedness brought on by the three masks she was wearing.

Another student was frantically staring at his school ID, stating “They might not let me in if I don’t have my information memorized. I heard some kid got his ID taken at the door and he had to walk home alone after his friends all got in.”

The student at the front of the line proudly boasted that she waited overnight for the first spot in line. “My friend told me that all

of the treadmills get taken quickly, so I grabbed a blanket and some snacks and camped out all night,” she told The Spire exclusively.

“It’ll all be worth it if I get a treadmill.”

Good news readers -- she did in fact secure a treadmill, just in time to try the infamous 12-3-30 TikTok workout.

One student was found crying in the bathroom, being consoled by a friend standing six feet away. When pressed for information, she explained that her crush was on the elliptical two machines over from another girl. “Does he not know that I’m here,” she mumbled underneath her tears and Athleta face mask. “I’m literally right here and he knows it. He waves to me and then he gets on an elliptical on the other side of the gym?

Why would he do that?” During

dents are too. They’re particularly excited to see all three lanes of the indoor track open at once, however a source close to a highranking administrator advised students not to hold their breath (unless they’re fourteen feet apart from each other, of course). “To be honest, the indoor track is just for show,” the source revealed.

“What are people going to do?

Have power walking races? It was just a cheap way to fill the space.”

Old habits die hard.

Photo by Valentina Moran ‘23

her breakdown, another student emerged from the stall with some unsolicited, yet timeless, words of wisdom: “Girl, you look too good to be sitting in here crying about a boy. Get out there and show him what he’s missing!” The two new

friends walked out arm and arm before being scolded by a freshman employee in a hideous campus rec polo shirt.

The administration is happy to finally see a much-awaited money pit become a success, and the stu-

Holy Cross Administra- Thoughts Durtion Promises to Send ing Zoom Class More E-mails Grace Bromage ‘23 Zoom University Student

Caroline Wallace ‘23 Thankful Student It is a known fact that students at Holy Cross feel as though the school could do a better job at communicating. Frankly, the 200 e-mails that students get from the school per day is simply not enough. How are students supposed to know when the ITS staff is doing updates? Or when popcorn is being served at Hogan? It is my second year on campus and I never know if it is “Popcorn Tuesday” or “Popcorn Wednesday” because they only send about five emails about it per week. Last year, I showed up to Cabaret and found out upon my arrival that it was sold out. They had only sent out five emails per day the week leading up to the performances that: “THE CABARET IS SOLD OUT!” How was I supposed to know?

There needs to be improved communication. We need to do better.

Even now, as students must complete “HC-Clear,” there is a lack of communication. I only receive one text, at the crack of dawn every morning, to complete my symptom tracker. This is clearly not enough as students are constantly holding up the line at Kimball to complete their symptom tracker because they forgot.

This would not be a problem if the

Graphic design by Hui Li ‘21

school texted us more frequently.

But there is good news! We will be seeing change soon.

Rumor has it that the administration is tired of receiving complaints about the e-mail problem on campus. Instead of sending 200 emails per day, the school will be making an effort to send closer to 500 per day. Better yet, they are not only going to continue to send emails that do not apply to all students, but they are also going to increase the number of useless emails. I currently have 7,651 unread emails in my school inbox due to these inapplicable emails.

Thanks to this new effort, I am hoping that by the end of the se-

mester I will have about 20,000 unread, inapplicable e-mails.

Study abroad students will also be able to experience this improvement. They will continue to receive e-mails about on-campus events while they are thousands of miles away and enrolled at a different school. They can even expect to continue receiving emails about events like Popcorn Tuesday that it is virtually impossible for them to attend.

As we enter our third semester with virutal schooling, it is safe to say that while Zoom is a great tool, it is a vastly different experience than in-person classes. I long for the days when I actually had to wake up, get dressed, and walk across campus for my 9 A.M.s.

Now, I can just roll out of bed , go to class, and get ready for the day afterwards. What a dissapointment.

Truthfully, Zoom has brought me many exciting experiences: watching my male classmates struggle to grow beards, watching my professors grow increasingly more frustrated with technology, etc. I’ve even learned to keep my eyes open for the rare roommate/ family member who wanders on screen without realizing that there is a live camera feed.

At the Spire, we were lucky enough to recover the internal thoughts of one Zoom student (let’s hope my superiors don’t read this and realize that I’ve given away our mind reading skills).

Transcript begins: This is the third time I’ve had to stifle a yawn in class. I promise the class is not boring, I just stay up way too late.

Maybe the class is boring . . . but the professor is nice so I can’t admit that.

Why is another student just jugging a gallon of milk? Why can I not look

away?

I participated! This day is a success!

Okay, so my classmate’s roommate is actually taking off his shirt on camera.

Does his roommate realize this is happening behind him? Why is this happening? Other people in class are noticing this, right?.

I should try to make friends in this class. I know no one and it’s been almost two months.

Half-naked guy is gone.

Why do my male classmates try to grow a beards? A large group of them cannot.

Coolbeans ran out of matcha lattes again? I don’t ask for that much and I am still disappointed.

Did I zone off this much in regular class? Or is it just online classes?

What am I hoping to accomplish in this life?

The guy’s roommate has returned, still without a shirt.

Oh, his roommate on the zoom call has turned away from the screen to talk to him.

Okay, shirtless guy put on a shirt.

And now he’s off the camera. Did no one else notice that?

I’ll settle for a chai latte to wake me up. . . . maybe I’ll just take a nap.

The Spire

INTERVIEWS, INTERVIEWS, INTERVIEWS

March 26, 2021

9

myHC Launches Dating App Service Grace Bromage ‘23 Single and ready to mingle.... on myHeart?

Covid-19 has certainly changed many aspects of personal life, especially dating. Apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge have seen increased usership since the start of the pandemic. Now, the College of the Holy Cross hopes to ride this trend, introducing a dating function on their myHC app to increase its usership.

The dating section of the myHC app (nicknamed myHeart) is aimed at students who wish to connect with people on campus. Like the current myHC, the interests that students select and their profile picture will be displayed for others within the app to see. Students can also opt to fill out “ice breaker” questions such as “what is your ideal first date” and “favorite Beatitude.” Students can then “swipe” if they are interested in a student’s profile. When students are mutually interested in each other’s profiles it will be a “match.” Once you and another student “match,” a private message function will open, allowing the two students to talk.

(This journalist questioned the validity of that decision given that myHC already has a chat function, but ultimately decided to trust the school’s judgment as she does with all aspects of her life.)

If any student worries that this sounds similar to other dating

Graphic desgin by Hui Li ‘21

apps, never fear: on myHeart students swipe left for ‘yes’ and right for ‘no.’

“At first, I was confused by this setup that seemed to counter every other popular dating service out there, but I soon praised Holy Cross’s ingenuity,” Meghan Brown ’21 said.

“Over quarantine, I downloaded Bumble and Tinder to meet new people,” Brown said. “When I found out that myHC was launch-

ing a dating function, I signed up right away! It’s now my go-to dating app! I love that it always seems to glitch when I’m using it and the countless notifications that never seem to apply to me! I especially love how, if the dates go poorly, there’s a 90% chance that I will have an awkward encounter with them in Kimball the next day!”

Another exciting function of myHeart is its leadership board.

Users score points based on how

many interested swipes they receive from others. When asked if this could upset people who are not frequently swiped left on, the app’s developers refused to comment.

I decided to talk to the man at the top of the leadership board himself, Liam Murphy ’22, about his experience with myHeart.

“It’s great to know that so many HC women are interested in me, but I really joined myHeart to find my lifelong match right here

at Holy Cross. I just want to enjoy some W.A.P. with a nice girl,” Murphy sighed.

When asked to clarify what he meant by “W.A.P.,” he simply raised his eyebrows at my wide-eyed stare and responded, “Worship and prayer. You know, sharing my religious devotion with the woman of my dreams? What did you think I meant?” (This interviewer will not comment on that point, but asks future interviewees to think twice before using vague acronyms.)

Fr. Boroughs would like to remind students that this exciting new development is not an excuse to fall behind on their studies. “We recognize that this is a challenging time and some of you still wish to have social lives. However, academics are Holy Cross’s number one priority. They are even more important to us than your mental health.”

To find myHeart, simply go to the “more” section at the bottom right-hand of the screen and scroll down until you see the heart icon.

Simply fill out a profile and you’ll be all set to go. Happy swiping!

[Totally Real] Upcoming Events “How to Give a Performative Response: Show Students You Care Without Actually Helping” webinar presented by the Holy Cross Deans on Monday, March 29th at 4 P.M. This month’s 15th zoom webinar to discuss the possible changes to the core curriculum, titled “If You Attend, We Will Stop Sending Constant Emails” on Tuesday, March 30th at 11:15 A.M. Health Services invites students to attend the optional “How to Stay Safe Over Easter Break” webinar* on Monday, March 29th at 8 P.M. Webinar to discuss new enrollment system, titled “We Think This One Might Not Upset Every Student” on Wednesday, March 31st at 5 P.M. *consequences for not attending this webinar include suspension, banishment from campus, and being forced to sit through a 5 hour loop of Fr. Boroughs reading the school’s COVID-19 policies

The Spire

10

The Eggplant

March 26, 2021

The Annually Relevant Eggplant A Section For Holy Cross Intellectuals

The Hill’s Deadliest Beasts: A Survival Guide Brian Saville ‘22 Local Skunk Wrangler

Circus Mario Micallef ‘22 Solanum Melongena

Crow

With springtime now upon us, students on campus will be flocking to the outdoors to catch some sun and have some fun. We’ve been told by the powers that be that for now, outdoor gatherings are safer than indoor gatherings, but just HOW safe are they? While the droplets from your friends’ breath pose less of a threat in the great outdoors, around every corner lurks a frightening wild animal just waiting to ruin your day. As the self-proclaimed Steve Irwin of the Holy Cross campus, I feel it is my duty to inform the masses about these threats to our warm weather well-being.

Once you can protect yourself from these seven dangerous creatures, you’ll be ready to enjoy an outdoor afternoon on the hill without fear.

Mosquito The mosquitos missed you last spring, and they are even more ravenous for your blood than ever before. They might still be carrying Triple E, which, holy moly, remember when that was like the scariest illness we could conceive of?

How wonderfully limited our imaginations were. Anyway, mosquitos will leave you alone if you make your blood taste as grotesque as possible. This can be achieved by having an ample amount of any Cool Beans milkshake ranked D-tier or lower in your system at all times.

Chickadee Chickadees are the state bird of Massachusetts, and they do not take kindly to outsiders. If they peg you for an out-of-stater, they can and will peck at your eyes. If you’re not from around here, throw the chickadees off your scent by incorporating heavy use of the term “wicked” into your vocabulary.

Opossum The sly opossum is known to play dead when threatened.

Unfortunately, this may result in your being charged with play-manslaughter in a possum court of law. Flip the script on these swindlers by collapsing to the ground when you see one as if you are Buzz Lightyear and Andy is coming up the stairs. Alarmed by the legal implications of this, the opossum will skip town.

Crows are jerks and will eat anything, including the naan panini you are carrying back from D’Agostino Cafe because they won’t just let you eat the thing in there.

To prevent them from stealing your lunch, recite any of the works of Edgar Allan Poe. This will convince the crow that you have mistaken it for a raven. The crow will be offended and leave.

Skunk Fearless skunks roam our campus by night, and if threatened will launch an olfactory attack rivalling the stench of that rotting banana in the stacks that nobody will go anywhere near. Skunks pose a danger to students with inexplicably impaired senses on the weekends, who can easily mistake them for lost kittens. Skunks rely heavily on their sense of smell and will leave you alone if you outstink them. If you plan on going for a midnight stroll across the hill, smother yourself in Axe body spray first.

Hawk Red-tailed Hawks frequent the skies above Mount Saint James, and they are always hungry for flesh. They have been known to prey on underclassmen, who are sometimes mistaken for small rodents. The best defense against these terrors of the skies would be to make yourself appear larger by carrying an umbrella and/or wearing a hoop skirt at all times.

First-Year Student The most dangerous creatures you will encounter on the Holy Cross Campus this spring are those that walk among us: first-year students, which have been known to carry the COVID-19 FR.0.5H variant. While intimidating, they are not yet very intelligent, and will not attack if they believe you to be one of their kind. If approached by a first-year student, simply making a remark like “did you hear about the hallway party on Brooks 4 last night?” or “Can you tell me how to get to the Dining Library?” is enough to convince them that you are one of their kind.

The News in Brief Holy Cross’ Sole Reputable Source of News Matt Anderson ‘21 Filling up Dead Space Masochism Magazine - Named Holy Cross best campus on which to bike or skateboard Luth - Sports stuff probably still happening (when athletes manage to not get COVID) Fenwick- Student does balls-to-the-wall awesome kickflip Stein - Ambitious senior does history reading, participates in class Brooks-Redacted - Students in the Vault attempt to secede from campus, Fr. Boroughs vows war The Jo, colloquially known as the Joanne-Chouinard-Luth Recreation and Wellness Center - rated a top-ten vacation spot by Rick Steves

Peer across the deserted circus.

Its tittinope floors with abandoned popcorn and cotton candy strewn about.

Left by shifty poltroonery children.

Sodas dropped and split in haste across the sticky floor cry out: Why oh why weren’t we guzzled like the prophecies spake?

Mr. Clown in the bathroom, stares at the mirror, water running in the sink.

One soap bar drowns, lounges and birthes bubbles.

The round red nose shines bright in the chaos of white paint.

All the coloring could wash away but the honky nose would never tardy the clowns reflection.

Then his good, long nose friend came tumbling in, smelling like the decaying tile floor.

With his many tons of water weight and thick grey skin, He leaned over the urinal and made some crack about the bearded martian twins.

Each step shakes the room as the musophobia stricken employee flees Without washing any four of his feet.

Mr. Clown cries out with soap in his eyes, underneath the sink faucet: What’s at stake to wake up to your stench and make a clean take of my soap?

His long nose friend trumpheted and chortled: For peanuts my foolish comrade; Exchange your infamous red gewgaw and I will bathe To smell finer than the sweet Madame whose veins’ course perfume.

The clown spoke as the white paint dripped down his chin: Not a chance in this world will I remove my red nose.

Not a chance in this world will I remove my heart.

For my red nose keeps the world from coming apart

Venture for a Vaccine Julianna Mariani ‘24 Pool Enthusiast At this point, my weekly articles have become life-updates but I had to do another one because (drumroll please)… I got my COVID vaccine last week!!

Yes, it’s true. I’m proud of being from Connecticut for two reasons and two reasons only: one is New Haven pizza and the other is that we’ve been rocking this pandemic.

Anyway, I went home last week to get it and boy, was it an experience.

I showed up ten minutes before my appointment slot and the line of cars wrapped around the entire parking lot.

I proceeded to wait in line for what felt like an eternity before I was finally allowed to join another one to get into the building. When the man monitoring the door eventually told me I could come inside after a second eternity, I entered a zoo.

My town has been having its vaccine clinic on the deck of our public pool complex and the amount of people they

had crammed onto the cement was certainly not pandemic-proof. If you’ve ever been to an indoor town pool you probably know that the majority is, wait for it, POOL. And by pool, I mean water. The deck is very limited. But for some reason it was somebody’s brilliant idea to have us all get vaccinated there.

To make everything that much better, everyone in my tiny town seemed to have chosen 11:20 on a Thursday morning to get the shot. My old school nurse checked me in, the head of the PTA logged me in the system and my friend’s mom scheduled my second dose appointment. At that point I wouldn’t have been surprised if the superintendent was the one sticking needles in people’s arms.

By the time I sat down to get the shot I had said hi to 15 different people I knew and hadn’t had time to worry about the actual vaccine. It ended up being fine, I didn’t grow two heads or start spitting fire or anything along those lines, I just didn’t move my arm for 24 hours.

Not couldn’t, just simply wouldn’t. Other than that I felt pretty invincible.

After I had done my part in saving the world, it was time to wait 15 minutes so the soccer moms could make sure I didn’t pass out. They set up the chairs for this in, I kid you not, an empty kiddie pool. Like things couldn’t have gotten any weirder. I passed the “no collapsing” test with flying colors, although, if I had passed out, it wouldn’t have been from the vaccine, it would have been because of the sweltering pool air and chlorine smell. Once again, I go back to wondering whose genius idea that was. I can think of at least ten other places in my little town that would have been better than that pool deck. Or they at least could have let us go for a quick swim while we waited to leave.

The Spire

ESPN

Sports

March 26, 2021

11

Crimson Tide Rolls Cross 78-3

Graphic by Mike O’Brien ‘23

In an unprecendented upset to the favored Crusaders, some school known more by their color than their mascot (imagine?) defeated them

Mike O’Brien ‘23 Knows a Guy In a recent effort by the NCAA to encourage more upsets in college football, coming as a surprise to many, the Holy Cross Crusaders football team headed down to Tuscaloosa, Alabama to play the famed Crimson Tide in an offseason “friendly.” Although many expected the game to be a relaxed walkthrough for Alabama to sharpen their play calling to prepare for the regular season, this was quite the opposite, as Bama seemed to treat the game like how they matched up against Ohio State in the National Championship. Not only did they go full tilt, but through an NCAA loophole, they were able to return multiple players who already declared for the NFL Draft. Gulp.

Holy Cross won the coin toss, which seemed to be the only thing they won this game, and deferred... which was a big mistake. Not even 15 seconds into the game, Alabama returner Jahleel Billingsley took the opening kickoff back 103 yards for a Crimson Tide touchdown, which seemed to set the

tone for the rest of the game. Instead of settling for an extra point, legendary Alabama head coach Nick Saban decided to go for the two point conversion to really rub it in. Tide quarterback Mac Jones took the snap, ran backwards 15 yards, closed his eyes, and threw the ball over his head to a wide open Jaylen Waddle to make the score 8-0 off the bat.

After two pick-sixes from Alabama cornerback Patrick Surtain II and another pair of identical twopoint conversions, the Tide quickly jumped on top 24-0 with 5:46 to go in the first quarter. At this point, the Tide were on pace to score nearly 100 points, but to the dismay of Saban, the Tide seemed to close out the first half sluggishly, only extending the score to 30-0.

Coach Saban was mic’d up during the contest against the Crusaders, and it was clear that he wasn’t happy in the locker room at halftime; a fired up Saban screamed at his players to get back on track, yelling “I don’t care if this is Holy Cross or LSU, we’re looking to bury these guys! Both teams wear purple and we absolutely despise LSU, just pretend it’s them!”

Likewise,Crusaders Coach Bob Chesney’s locker room speech was recovered, and he did all he could to fire up his players to keep them in the game; Chesney passionately told his squad “Guys, whoever puts any points up on the board for us will get twenty servings chicken parm from Kimball for the rest of the semester. Seriously, as long as the scoreboard doesn’t say zero for us by the end of the game, someone will be getting all the chicken parm they caneat.”

Holy Cross’ special teams struggled in a big way against Bama.

Receiving the second half kickoff, the Crusaders looked to advance the ball past the 15 yard line for their biggest return of the day, but HC’s ball carrier got drilled by Alabama linebacker Christian Harris for a scoop and score touchdown to get Bama back on track. After a quiet 134 yards in the first half, Heisman winner DeVonta Smith exploded in the third quarter, posting 371 yards and three touchdowns. The Tide were now up 62-0 with two minutes to play in the third quarter.

It seemed that all of the Crusaders had given up on the game

and the opportunity to score some extra chicken parm; except one.

Somehow, the Crusaders had moved the ball enough upfield to set up a potential 55 yard-field goal. When Coach Chesney sent out the punting team, junior kicker Derek Ng approached Chesney and asked for the chance to kick a career long FG. With nothing to lose, Chesney obliged. Ng lined up for the kick, and drilled it. The HC players on the field and sideline alike went nuts, as they had finally put points up on the board to make the score 62-3. Nick Saban looked visually confused on the sideline.

When asked about the celebrations over the field goal after the game, Saban shrugged his shoulders and said “Good for him, I guess. It was a nice kick. Oh, and why did I keep hearing them scream something that sounded like ‘chicken parm’?”

Holy Cross’ celebrations seemed to rub Alabama running back and projected first round NFL draft pick Najee Harris the wrong way.

With just thirty seconds left in the game, Harris took a handoff from Jones and rather than running

ACROSS 1. the site for gatherings at Kimball, referencing its four small lawns 5. the women’s side of the fourth floor of Brooks, enclosed behind a big old door and card swipe 6. kinda the newest/safest way to brand us. “Go ___ Go!” 7. the side of Easy Street res halls facing St. Joseph’s 9. (outdated/obscure) an old nickname for Crossroads. today we use a variant of it 11. named thus because it’s easy I guess 13. the easiest side of Easy Street res halls 14. (outdated/obscure) people used to call Holy Cross this?

15. it’s like the fitness center, but holier 16. where you go when you go to Dinand to hit the books and study hard 19. a giant conglomerate of new STEM-delegated spaces is referred to by one ambiguous word 21. a nickname I’ve never heard before for D’Agostino’s except from one person 22. an awesome little booth diner in Worcester, often visited by HC students 24. both the music hall and the best first-year dorm 26. (outdated/obscure) apparently an old nickname for Kimball. kinda cute I guess!

DOWN 2. the obnoxious name for a “day party”

out the clock, Harris trucked past three Crusader defenders for a 68 yard touchdown. Then, although not on special teams, Harris demanded that Coach Saban allow him to be on the kickoff unit, further demanding that they execute an onside kick. Saban obliged, and Harris recovered the kick himself and took it for a touchdown with zeroes on the clock to make the final score 78-3.

After the game, Harris told reporters “I was upset because chicken parm is my favorite meal and Coach Saban never lets us eat it. It’s b******t, man.”

Congratulations to the Crusaders on a valiant effort against the best college team in the country, and come back next week for a post game analysis on HC’s upcoming game against the New England Patriots.

3. how boomers like me are going to keep accidentally referring to the Brooks res hall 4. timeless nickname for Hogan’s lawn area 8. the better way to refer to D’Agostino’s 10. (outdated/obscure) the bond formed by students who go on a spring break immersion trip to Appalachia 12. (outdated/obscure) back when Stein Hall contained “Cool Beans 2”, it had this nickname because of its Starbucks-like atmosphere 17. it’s still kinda Crusaders, but not really, so maybe this is an acceptable way to refer to us?

18. a fun, brief way to reference the Science Library, particularly in writing 20. modern nickname for Crossroads 23. the nickname that no student gave to the new fitness center 24. legend has it that there was once a cafe in Stein, and it wasn’t too bad!

25. the unique landform we live on that gives us leg day every day. “College ___” A puzzle about HC locations, nicknames and slang to trip up the first years!

-Love, Hannah

The Spire

12

SPORTS Daddy’s Appreciation Page

March 26, 2021

9.5 Years With Dad:

The Eggplant’s Top Fr. Burroughs? Buroughs? Boroughs Articles Through the Years

Valentine’s Day Tips from Father Boroughs Matt Anderson ‘21 #1 Boroughs Stan Attached below is a copy of Father Boroughs’ Valentine’s Day email draft leaked to The Eggplant.

Dear Members of the Campus Community, As we begin what feels like a particularly busy Spring semester, I want to wish you and your classmates a joyous and holy Valentine’s Day. In light of this, and because I believe that the essential message of Valentine’s Day has been forgotten, I have decided to issue my “top tips” for how to celebrate the holiday in accordance with Catholic dogma.

1. Premarital eye contact is a sin.

2. If you are even thinking about dancing, remember the essential Catholic school rule: to leave room for the Holy Spirit between you and your date.

3. No really, stay at least a Bible length apart.

4. Remember to stay hydrated and drink water.

5. For breakfast, instead of something decadent, frivolous, and romantic, try one of my favorite depressing recipes, a St. Valentine’s Oatmeal Bake! Like Corn Flakes™, this recipe was designed to be so bland it will purge the body of any impure, sinful thoughts.

6. To repent for your sins, try flagellation!* 7. Instead of Lizzo, try listening to Saint Hildegard von Bingen, a preeminent medieval composer of sacred monophony.

8. Remember, if you’re at the stage where you’re asking for consent, there’s someone you forgot to ask, the Lord Jesus Christ.

Valentine’s should be a time of sanctity, of virtue and of platonic love. Please take the time over the weekend to disconnect, to spend time with your loved ones (again, platonically). More importantly, however, it is a time to spend with God. This Sunday, therefore, make sure you come to St. Joseph’s. I’ll be waiting there for you (this is a threat).

Sincerely, Philip L. Boroughs S.J. President Brendan Higgins Doesn’t Even Go Here Anymore The college was very pleased to announce Monday morning that our very own school president, Fr. Philip Boroughs, would be headlining America Magazine’s second annual Jesuit Swimsuit calendar. America Magazine is a national weekly magazine published by the American Jesuits that contains news and opinions about Catholicism and is their second venture into the calendar sector. “We just felt that there are so many great Jesuits out there helping better God’s earth,” commented magazine editor Fr. Malone, S.J., “and we just wanted to highlight some of the hunkiest ones.”

So, if you recently stumbled up to the varsity weight room and wondered why our school president was going through an abdomen workout with some of our school’s most expensive athletes, it wasn’t just because he was looking for a good beach body. Well I guess technically he was because it is for a swimsuit calendar but whatever. “He’s been really great to have around the athletes,” commented weight room Zenmaster/guru who goes by the mononym Ollie, “I told some of the boys that they could lose their

In seeking to best represent a 21st Century Holy Cross Crusader—one who massacres social injustice, not innocents—the administration has decided that I alone can fulfill the role of mascot.

Iggy has gone the way of the dodo, and the Boro Bro is in. As the Holy Cross Crusaders run out to play Lehigh for the 70th time this year (why didn’t we join the Big East again?), I will lead them into battle.

Running ahead of our men and women, no matter the time or place, I will represent what is best about our school. Armed with social justice and environmental awareness or something—not a sword of course—I will pump up the crowd, launch t-shirts, and show off my dance moves.

I will also engage in hand-to-hand combat with Lehigh’s Clutch the Mountain Hawk, Bucknell’s Bucky the Bison, and Loyola’s Iggy the Greyhound. Those bastards better be ready.

It has been 71 years since Holy Cross’ last NCAA championship and 32 since Holy Cross football was thrust onto the national stage, but I am confident that my ascension to mascot-hood will give the Crusaders the jolt they need to win some games.

I’ll be honest: I wanted to rid our school of the Crusader moniker. I raised the point multiple times in our Trustees meeting, but was rebuked repeatedly. When the Trustees asked for a potential replacement, I exclaimed, “Why, what about the Holy Cross………….Boroughs?” They erupted in laughter, but stopped when my expression remained stoic. I argued, quite rightly, “The Graphic by Hui Li ‘21 Manhattan College Jaspers are named for a legendary Preview of Fr. Borough’s portrait, soon to be installed in Fenwick. priest, why can’t Holy Cross follow their lead?” What followed was a heated discussion with much namecalling. You could say there was a crusade against this idea, haha.

In the end, this was our compromise. The next generation of Holy Cross students will not know Iggy; they will know Boro Bro as their representative. When Rev. Philip L. Boroughs, S.J. Holy Cross returns to the NCAA tournament, I will be there.

His Eminence When the track team goes to the Patriot League ChampionCrusaders were not in the Crusades. Crusaders were not in ships, I will be there. When you do your homework, I will be the Crusades. Crusaders were not in the Crusades. Repeat after there. In short, I will always be there. Watch your back. me! Good, thank you. Now that that important business is out of the way:

Boroughs: “I Am the New Mascot”

Father Boroughs Headlines Jesuit Swimsuit Calendar

schol- arships if I know I’m supposed we seemed to see a very different side of the Padre over there caught to be the ‘humble President who rolled into the conference in them skipping reps, so guy’ and I’m the one Versace Mass garments blasting “Worst Bewe’ve been incredibly who hugged the leper havior” by the rapper Drake who was also productive. We’ve been and who sneaks out present in matching Versace Mass garments. doing all the normal late at night to do Fr. Boroughs appeared to be dodging every activities: abductors, vigilante food dona- question regardless of how innocent the exgrants, hex flextions but I’m putting question appeared to be. What we did get ors, elbow obliques, a my foot down here. I from the conference is that the photo shoot bunch of other weird mean they offered me is going to be next week in Bermuda, and phrases that don’t really February this year. that he was “totally freaking stoked” for it. mean anything...using FEBRUARY?? That’s The $100 calendar is expected to be released that big machine with the shortest month this October, and every student will be givthe ropes, throwing of the year!!! I AM en a free copy which will be billed to their medicine balls against THE POPE!” His STAR account. the wall. You name it, Holiness then made he’s probably done it.” some comments to While this is an the Crusader staff in exciting opportunity Italian which roughly Graphic by Brendan Higgins translated to “Kanye for the school, not evPhoto-ready Fr. Boroughs poses for was right all along.” eryone is happy about photoshoot behind Ciampi it. Last year’s headline Students have obviJesuit, Pope Francis, ously had some queshad some choice words for our school’s tions about this situation, such as “What’s * For the purpose of publishing, this is a joke. The president. “This is bogus man, totally jive,” the designated day to drink in honor of Eggplant—Holy Cross’ premier news outlet— does said the Holy Father. “I can’t believe this. this,” and “Is this part of that billion dollar not in any way endorse flagellation or its associated I’m the Pope!!! I am the head honcho of the Arts Program someone’s grandpa donated,” practices. Nor will it issue an apology to anyone whole religion and they’re gonna give this which we were hoping that Fr. Boroughs dumb enough to do it. honor to some random school president?!? would address in his press release. However,