Volume 47, Issue 6 (April Fool's)

L iftocr acy Crowns New School President Page 4

M r. Dougher ty Star ts Glee Club

Batman Wor ks At the Prep

Page 10

Page 11

" The Guy From For tnite" Page 19

Follow us on I nstagram and TRUTH Social @SJPHawkeye or read our issues online at issuu.com/thehawkeye6

The Student Newspaper of St. Joseph's Prep

Vol. 47, I ssue VI

1733 West Gir ar d Ave. Philadelphia, PA, 19130

Apr il 1, 2022

M r. K elly Star ts Breaking Bad Enthusiasts Club For I ggy, DEA I nvestigates After winning the 2021 TI ME Person of the Year award for being Mr. Kelly (no further explanation needed), I ggy needed funding for his sudden lung cancer diagnosis.

By L uke Gallagher ?23 The show is always raging on Netflix. Everyone has seen it. It?s Breaking Bad, a heartwarming story about how Walter White overcame the adversities in his way to provide for his family in a time of struggle.

He acted selflessly and showed us all what it truly means to be a ?man for and with others.?

(Photo: Ferris Bueller)

This show is sure to take each and every one of its viewers on an emotional ride ? one full of appreciation for Walter?s poise, selflessness, and grit. The Prep would be lucky to have a man like Walsee BREAKI NG BAD p. 3

Camma The " Croquet K ing" I s Named PA Gator ade Player of the Year

Freshmen kind of deserve this for being freshmen, not going to lie (or, as the kids say, "no cap").

(Photo: Quandale Dingle)

(Photo: Gatorade HQ)

(Photo: CDC)

Mr. Camma dominated the croquet scene and earned the award in a record-setting period of time.

SJP Holds 1st Annual Freshman Squid Game

Millions of Camma's fans from around the world (appropriately named "Camma's Crew") showed up at Camma's PA Gatorade Player of the Year presentation. One small freshman (who decided to remain anonymous when relaying his story to The Hawkeye) crowd-surfed during this historic ceremony and got a ton of girls' snaps. Legend.

By Stephen Cain ?22 The crowd roars. The announcers bellow. The pressure intensifies.

All three of these things are commonalities when March

hits. It?s arguably the most maddening time of year. No, I?m not talking about March Madness. I?m talking about something even more captivating instead: the World Croquet see CROQUET p. 18

Dean Greene (above) is the mastermind of the Prep's inaugural freshman Squid Game Competition.

By Steven Tannenbaum ?22 Last week, the Prep held its first ever annual freshman class Squid Game Competition. The contest, based on the

hit Netflix series Squid Game, had the Class of 2025 compete in a series of challenges for the grand prize of a front row seat to watch Iggy the Demon?s

hotly anticipated exorcism.

In the show Squid Game, the losers are punished by death; see SQUI D GAME p. 14

2 | Shawty's | Friday, April 1, 2022 | The Hawkeye Wheels of Contents

Got: 1 - 3

Them: 4 - 6

Apple: 9 - 12

Bottom: 13-15

Jeans: 16-18

SJP's Ridiculous Renovations In other news, the Latin Department will be receiving a ?Latin Dungeon? complete with chains and original copies of ?Of Mice and Men? written in the tongue of the dead.

(Photo: Spell I CUP)

With future development at the Prep reaching an all- time high there's been a lot of talk about what changes in particular will be made to the Prep.

There's been a lot of talk about new renovations and design updates as well as the addition of a new ?Pogwist Science Center?, which is to be outfitted with a Fortnitethemed VR room and gaming computers.

The new building has a pool with a balcony and large windows to brighten it.

The new gym floor was laid on wooden beams supported by thousands of small leaf springs.

The new Prep renovations hope to bring prospective students and modern ingenuity to the Prep.

In addition to the additions

The dungeon, intended for students who fail to achieve ?Cum Laude? on the National Latin Exam, will also have the Latin Department help these students ?review? the new Latin Wordle every day.

(Photo: Spell I CUP)

There will also be a new incinerator in an effort to save money on the disposal of those shadows who have lost battles in the Prep Colosseum.

(Photo: Spell I CUP)

Construction is scheduled to begin in March 2032. The new modern Prep costs $79 million dollars, with $4 million dollars coming from insurance from the great Prep microwave fire, and $6 million more raised through the generosity of an anonymous patron only known as ?The Wolf of J-Hall?.

(Photo: Spell I CUP)

By Jacob Whitman ?22

Some of the new renovations planned for the Prep include a Fortnite-themed VR room (above left), a Hadron Collider (above right), a new bubble soccer field (bottom left), a Latin Dungeon (bottom right), and MORE!

stated above, the Prep soccer team will receive a brand new ?Bubble Soccer? field, located in the 2nd floor J-Hall corridor.

The Deeney Bubble Soccer Field will measure over 42,000 square feet, with the feet being generously donated by the anonymous patron.

The field will be made of ?astro-turf?, as SAGE employ-

ees refuse to tend to plants despite their suggested plantbased name. Today, this field is the Multi- Purpose Room. The marble stairs from the old building have been buried under the glass and slate foyer to signify the strength of the Prep.

The Physics Club, proctored

by Dr. Nunes, will receive a ?small? Hadron Collider.

The construction of the small Hadron Collider will take approximately 42 months and is expected to reach from Girard Avenue to 13th Street with its diameter.

Due to budget constraints, there will be ?minimal safety procedures," says Nunes. ?We would love to have some precautions to prevent another Woltjen incident.?

The new innovations to the Prep?s Math Department have left them ?close to feeling anything near the realm of happiness?, says an anonymous teacher.

The new Pogwist Science Center, named after future alumnus and donor Matthew Pogwist ?22 who donated $69 million using NFTs, will include a VR Room, Gaming Lab, a ?cool? Boston Dynamics robot dog, and a Football Simulator.

I ggy Publicly Executes Senior s Who L eave Ear ly Dur ing Community Per iod

By Eamon Coffey ?22 Oh, how the tables have turned!

The godforsaken hellspawn that every Prep student EVER wants to ?send to a farm upstate? is taking the fight back to the seniors. Iggy the ?dog? is actually a satanic being.

Now, seniors are suffering more than ever from the consequences of this ritual. Any senior that Iggy catches leaving during community period is sent to the torture chambers contained in the Gesu catacombs. ?This school has put me through a lot,? said Aiden Anderson ?22, ?but nothing has changed me like Iggy?s torture

(Photo: Who Let The Dogs Out?)

Contrary to popular belief, the infamous red graffiti located underneath a Villiger Hall staircase was actually written in blood several years ago by the Student Council to summon Iggy the Demon. This being unbeknownst to the students, Iggy acted like any reasonable pet. ?Iggy ate my homework and threw up on my shoes before licking it off me,? explains Jack Salvo ?22.

POV: Iggy the Demon sees you trying to leave early during community period.

chambers. I?ll never be the same person again.?

No one has ever survived a 2:39 exit and lived to tell the tale, but there are legends of what goes on underneath the Gesu. Old Jesuit manuscripts describe eerily similar folk beasts to Iggy. Some punish-

ments mentioned in the primary text include actually reading the student handbook, cleaning the second floor toilets, and Latin.

Certain seniors believe that Iggy needs to be held accountable. ?Iggy must be stopped.

There are other ways of pun-

ishing seniors than torture chambers. We need an elite squad to search and extract our Prep brothers currently in these chambers,? said Luke Denn ?22.

The school has yet to comment on whatever ?it? (Iggy) actually is or on the where-

abouts of our fallen brothers.

There will be a moment of silence at 2:00 PM in the St. Michael?s Room briefly after school Friday, April 1.

The Hawkeye | Friday, April 1, 2022 |

Like | 3

Q: Say M y Name. A: Ronan K elly.

BREAKI NG BAD from p. 1

there was nothing in Krugman?s Third Edition of Economics. Supply. Demand.

Elasticity. Marginal Utility. I studied it all. Not one mod could explain the club?s success. At this rate, we should be preparing for a second Great Crash.?

ter White. Fortunately, they do.

Just this past December, Mr. Kelly was nominated for the 2021 TIME Person of the Year.

The news dropped shortly after our dear ?pruppy?, Sir Iggy I, was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. In an attempt to rally the Prep community together amid a time of great struggle, Mr. Kelly has decided to act selflessly in order to save Iggy. He has created the Breaking Bad Enthusiasts Club to raise money to comfort Iggy in his final days.

The club plans to send Iggy off to a farm with the Jesuits in Albuquerque, New Mexico. It is of great hope that Iggy may be able to find peace in praying the Examen and studying St. Ignatius?s Spiritual Exercises in his final days on the farm.

Make sure to sign up on FlexTime Manager ASAP to reserve your spot at future meetings. You can find the Breaking Bad Enthusiasts Club in Room RV out by the dumpsters on Tuesdays from 2:006:30 pm. The Hawkeye is not exactly sure why the club meets for so long, why there is a thirty- page notarized ?safety pledge? required to join, why Mr. Kelly has engineered a government-grade retina scanner to enter the RV, or even why the club can?t just meet in the AP Chem lab, but one thing is for certain: if this club can save our dear pruppy, the Prep

Regardless of how Economics experts like Vaccaro feel about the situation, Iggy is thrilled with the progress the club has made in its initial weeks. As transcribed by professional K- 9 translator Murphy Bonner ?22 from Iggy?s official press release, ?Prep do good for me. I going to nice place in Albuquerque now. I be with pater soon. But first I pray examen. RV smell good too.

Smell almost as good as hockey bags and bacon pigs in basement.?

The Breaking Bad Enthusiasts Club's RV (pictured above) is nearly impossible to get into. "It's like he's hiding drugs in there," said a source who would like to remain anonymous.

is fully on board.

Though many were skeptical about Kelly, AP Chemistry and Intro to Crystal Meth Safety teacher, taking the lead on this one, Principal Cavacos commented on the situation saying, ?It?s a great show and, in the end, we?re doing this for Iggy.

There?s not much more to it.

Mr. Kelly is rallying the Prep community together in a time of great struggle and great need. Students are coming to school happier, more energized, and more excited for Chem. Weirdly enough, seniors

aren?t even leaving early on Tuesdays. The benefits are ubiquitous.?

Mr. Kelly commented on the club?s success saying, ?I have lived under the threat of Iggy?s death for a year now. And because of that, I?ve made choices. Now, I?m in the empire business. Let?s save our pruppy.?

In just one week, the club has raised over $10,000 through ?bake sales? and other means of ?fundraising? such as official club merch.

?I don?t know what they put in those brownies, but they knocked SAGE?s out of the park,? said one student. ?I can finally stay awake in Latin now,? he added.

And who could say no to a ?Straight Outta the RV on 17th? shirt? ?It?s my new favorite party in the woods shirt,? said another student. ?The ladies dig it.?

Mr. Kelly looks forward to growing the club with his fellow Breaking Bad enthusiasts.

He invites all of the Prep community to follow the club?s journey on Instagram (@saveiggy) to see how much good they are doing for the Prep community and, most importantly, for Iggy. If there?s one thing Mr. Kelly would like to leave you knowing about the rapidly- growing new club, it?s to ?stay away from drugs, kids.?

?I don?t know how he did it,? added Economics expert Mr. Vaccaro ?05. ?I searched far and wide for the answers but

Fir st Sigma M ale in Histor y is a Student at the Prep

By Andrew Wenger ?23 That is right, folks. St. Joseph's Prep has a sigma male. The ?S? in ?St.? stands for ?Sigma? by the way.

Now for those who may be wondering, ?Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is a sigma male??, don?t worry. A sigma male is simply the peak performance of humanity; he is the embodiment of the ideal, masculine figure. His stature is unfathomable. His features make him a hulking, physical specimen.

The girls love him and the guys want to be him. His name is? ME! Yes. I, Andrew, the foodconsuming, mullet- having and pink blazer- wearing Wenger am the first sigma male at this storied institution. Now all of you ?betas? are probably wondering, ?Who's this narcissistic loser claiming to be the embodiment of the son of God??

Well to answer your question, whoever you are, I am simply the peak of humanity. If Dr. Frankenstein's creation

Andrew Wenger '23 (pictured above) is the first ever recorded sigma male in human history. Originally, they were believed to be mythological creatures like unicorns or mermaids. Beta scientists scoffed at the idea that there could ever be a sigma male within the human race. However, Andrew has proven the betas wrong.

went right, that is what I would be. My body is the shape of an apple, and what fruit was mentioned in the Bible during the story of creation? An apple!

Do you see how these things align?!

I have been nominated for 18 Nobel Peace Prizes and have been alive for 17 years. I have three doctoral degrees, graduated from Harvard at the age of 9, and, above all, became an All-American in powerlifting.

?Everything you said is factual and completely not a lie.?

Yes I know that fool. Admit it, you have seen the pinnacle of creation. He stands before you all and gets out of his 2018 Jeep Renegade every morning

and walks into school with his sweater on, blue uggs and a Monster Energy in hand. Who could top that?

4 | A Melody | Friday, April 1, 2022 | The Hawkeye

The Prep I nstitutes L iftocr atic Election; Alec Treadway '22 Becomes School Prez

By Andrew Sergovic ?22 As many of you know already, today the Prep sent a school- wide email announcing the immediate installation of the new school President, Alec Treadway ?22.

After Mr. Marinacci?s sudden and unexplained departure, the Prep administration sought to find a new President. They knew that they needed a strong leader, so it became clear from the start the direction that this presidential search would take.

After multiple pro- cons lists and talks with Iggy The Demon, the administration released the now infamous memo, which read: ?As the Prep enters a new age, we see that more strength is needed to take on the role of school President. For that reason, after much deliberation, our next President will be decided through a deadlifting competition. After every lift, 10 pounds will be added. The competition will be held during community hour on 3/25/22, and it will be held in the MPR. Weights are provided. Sign up on Flexthing.?

The Prep became rather divided upon the news of the competition, with two distinct factions growing among the community: the ?liftheads? and the ?anti- lifters?. Liftheads agreed with the decision, and believed the Prep would be returning to its former glory.

Anti- lifters thought it was a ridiculous event and would plummet the Prep into an immediate downward spiral.

Soon, many realized that in their memo, the Prep never said that the competition was closed off to students, and just as faculty members such as Ms. Cook, Mr. Ranalli, and Mr. Gambone signed up with alacrity and celerity, so too did a plethora of intrepid students such as Eamon Coffey ?22 and Alec Treadway ?22, all eager to reach the zenith as President.

Mr. Hensler, a member of the anti-lifter faction and the Religious Studies Department, was not pleased with the competition, stating, ?I instead think the Prep would benefit from becoming a theocracy. It would really boost the religious education of the school, and the Religious Studies Department could serve as the divine guidance of the school.?

Mr. Lederer, a member of the English Department and a

(Photo: The Universe Championships)

?We weren?t really worried about their experience in Jesuit education, but after such sudden shifts in the status of the President in the past few years, we were looking for someone who would be dedicated every day,? said an administration whistleblower.

Alec Treadway '22 (above middle) finished 1st place in the Prep's inaugural liftocratic election by lifting more than 710 lbs, thus making him the new President of the school. Former President Mr. Marinacci (above right) finished runner-up to Treadway, as he could not lift beyond 710 lbs. Finally, Dr. Mullen (above left) finished in third place after lifting his way into the 600 lbs range, utilizing his newly toned physique that was developed from leading daily Greek calisthenics workouts in each of his Latin classes.

diehard lifthead, questioned the true authority of any President, saying, ? I think a liftocratic approach would really make it fair, and give a newfound sense of relatability to the office of the President. Democracy in action!?

Knowing this was the opportunity of a lifetime, many jumped to lift at any chance they got, and all aspects of Prep life have since changed.

Instead of leaving during community period, many students could now be found sneaking off to the gym, saying, ?Look at these gains bro.?

Dean Greene began drug testing for anabolic steroids, performance- enhancing drugs that those who truly can?t lift but want to seem cool use.

Teachers began changing their curriculum to get more experience pumping iron. One such teacher, Mr. Gambone, had to change only a few syllables, as his freshman classes began ?liftocractic? seminars.

The Classics Department began instituting Greek calisthenics workouts to their class warm- up, giving ten points to those who could translate what ?kilos sthenos? means.

The entire Science Department has suddenly become filled with professional kinesiologists instead of teachers.

SAGE started a new ?Calories per Dollar? menu to allow lifters to max out their gains.

They briefly sold pre-workout, but after numerous incidents, the practice was swiftly shut

down.

The morning of the competition was an intense one. As the day went on, many grew anxious about what was to come.

Many skipped their last period class to listen to Two Friends and get hyped up. Before the bell even rang for Community Hour, the entire MPR was filled with faculty and students alike. 50 deadlift setups were placed through the room, with thousands of pounds of extra weights lining the walls.

After everyone was situated and the contestants were at the bar, Anthony Hays ?22 exclaimed over the announcements, ?Welcome to the Temple of Iron and Steel. Be ready for a great competition, and now, Mr. Cavacos.? Mr. Cavacos said the four zeros, and then raced back to his spot in the competition.

The competition started with a mere 100 lb deadlift. This was a breeze for many, with Eamon Coffey shouting, ?Can we get more weight on here?? I deadlift this in my sleep!?

By 130 lb, only 35 people had remained.

By 150 lb, the entire Religious Studies and Modern Language Department had fallen. 15 remained.

Mr. Ranalli, a man known for his precise pronunciation of foreign names, was not lifting the bar, but merely using his newfound telekinesis to lift the bar up. At around 200 lbs, someone began speaking about Magical Realism as a genre.

Distracted, Mr. Ranalli?s bar

fell and he was disqualified, along with four others. Ten remained.

As more and more began to fall from the competition, those who were hiding in the back could be seen. The Prep community was shocked to see both Fr. Swope and Mr. Marinacci competing for the title.

After a quick water break and staring at their muscles in the mirror, the competition resumed.

At 250 lbs, five fell. Only Eamon Coffey ?22, Alec Treadway ?22, Ms. Cook, Mr. Marinacci, and Dr. Mullen remained.

Eamon Coffey ?22 passed out at 415 lbs, just as he had practiced at Lifetime Fitness with lifting partner Sean Malfara ?22. He was disqualified, but praised for his dedication to lifting.

Ms. Cook fell at 500 lbs, who had been seen practicing her deadlift on a quotidian basis, incrementally adding weight.

Dr. Mullen silently trudged into the 600s, before deciding that he would much rather be a Latin teacher than the President.

Now, it was the heat of the competition. Two people remained, Alec Treadway ?22 and Mr. Marinacci. Mr. Marinacci was tired, but relentless, wanting to become the first and second layman President of the Prep. Alec Treadway did not even know this was a competition to become the Presi-

dent of the Prep; he just saw the weights and walked in.

After a long and arduous fight, Mr. Marinacci fell at 710 lbs. He was noble in his effort, but Alec Treadway outlifted him.

As fast as it had happened, it was over. Alec Treadway ?22 became the new President.

What will his approval ratings be? Will Iggy the Demon accept him as the new President? Will the Prep ever lift again? So many questions, so few answers.

The Hawkeye | Friday, April 1, 2022 |

In | 5

The Real Concer n Over The Ukr aine I nvasion: The US Economy Lastly, the everyday American should be most concerned with Wall Street, as the stock market has been greatly affected. According to expert in the field Anthony Koh ?24, member of the Stock Market Club, ?The invasion caused the stock market to tumble recently. The S& P 500 has dropped by 1.5%. We are truly living in scary times.?

By Jackson M aguire ?24 After Russia invaded Ukraine on February 24, 2022, the media has been focused on the countless civilian deaths, the refugee crisis, and the fear of nuclear warfare. However, I am here to tell you what the most terrifying part of this invasion is: its impact on the United States economy.

According to Vice President Kamala Harris, ?Ukraine is a country in Europe. It exists next to another country called Russia. Russia is a bigger country. Russia decided to invade a smaller country called Ukraine, so basically, that?s wrong.?

Another member of the stock market club, Peter Bae ?24, has said ?Ever since the invasion of Ukraine, my team has dropped down six places in the stock market competition. Who knows what other terrors the future will hold??

Indeed, it is wrong, and the most wrong part of it all is the rise of corn and soybean prices in the United States. It is believed that farmers in the United States will be forced to make up for the lack of corn and soybeans grown in Ukraine. This could have devastating consequences and

These terrifying effects on the economy show that it is the American consumer who is the real victim of this invasion.

This is why I hope for the best and pray for the safety of all Americans affected by the dip in the stock market and the rise in gas, corn, and soybean prices. I'm sorry, what about Ukrainian citizens again?

Soybeans (above) have skyrocketed in price due to their sudden scarcity caused by the Russia-Ukraine conflict by a dollar. How will we manage having to pay an extra dollar!?

drive up prices for both corn and soybeans by like a dollar.

Another terrifying consequence of the invasion is the rise of gas prices. Average gas prices have already gone up

ten cents over the past two weeks. Who knows where it can go from there? Maybe 11 cents? 12 possibly? According to some guy in politics, ?Lately gas has been crazy expensive.

Because of this, I have had to ask my dad to refill my credit card which is really inconvenient. Biden needs to fix this before my dad cancels my account.?

The New Pandemic: A Smelly Basement

By Aiden Ander son ?22

Sean Malfara was from Glenside, PA and was an avid member of the rugby team, Ski Club, and JSA. Sean was also a frequent lifter.

Every day students walk into the building, hike up the stairs right next to Mr. Raffa?s cafeteria office, and visibly struggle to climb each step. Students appear fatigued as they enter their classrooms on the second and third floors of Villiger Hall. What?s going on here?

Quinn Egan ?22 said, ?Sean was a great friend and will be missed. He was always one to stick up for others, yell way too loud when lifting at the gym, and drop $300 at Applebee's.?

At the same time as the student body enters the building each morning, self- proclaimed ?student- athlete hypebeasts'' head down to the basement.

Here, they work out in the weight room without showering. Hockey players leave their bags full of sweaty pads in the basement, dissected pig corpses from biology classes are thrown into random closets, and supplies are stored for Mr. Kelly?s Intro to Crystal Meth Safety class.

The consequences of all of these smells have been lethal.

Students immediately feel exhausted just from the stench.

Every student contracts what has been dubbed ?StinkyPeeYew Face? (SPYF). This facial expression is not easy to describe. Imagine that you have been locked in a bathroom with Joey Chestnut after the annual July 4th hot dog eating contest. Yeah, that?s the face.

The effect of SPYF is a disgusted facial expression that can last for up to an hour.

Some have reported that the face has lasted for an entire school day. Teachers are furi-

Colin Smyth was from Lumberton, NJ and was on the basketball and volleyball teams. ?That kid was just tall. I don?t know anything else about him, but yeah he was definitely tall. Although, he was a terrible ref during the March Madness tournament games,? said Ethan Spillane ?22.

Brave seniors Pat Casey '22, Ethan Spillane '22, Tom Davies '22, and Joe Magnotta '22 take on the basement stench with their K95 clothespins. Pat has Stink-PeeYew Face (SPYF).

ous at students who suffer from SPYF, as they believe that the students are disgusted by their classes. Cases of SPYF are so horrific that victims are unable to speak and cannot explain to their teachers what?s going on. Classmates of these victims have deserted them and instead opt for a good laugh while they watch their teachers turn irate.

Furthermore, two students

have disappeared since word of the rancid basement stench first spread. Sean Malfara ?22 and Colin Smyth ?22 were last seen on March 32nd, 2022 at fourteen hundred hours. The two students were reportedly leaving school early and were struck down by Iggy the Demon. Iggy marched them down into the basement and they immediately passed out. They have not been seen since then.

As search parties are dispatched, friends and loved ones are holding out hope.

Both of these fine gentlemen live on in the hearts of all those they had an impact on. The two met through a mutual friend and were frequently seen playing by throwing Wawa bottles in places that they should not be thrown.

Since their disappearance, students have finally started to take preventative measures.

Preppers have been sporting clothespins on their noses to protect themselves from the foul odors.

Joe Magnotta ?22 said, ?We may not be required to wear masks anymore, but man is my clothespin K95 a real lifesaver.

Though, it doesn?t seem to pinch hard enough to protect me from SPYF.?

What has the administration done to put a stop to this new pandemic? Mr. Ranalli said, ?We?ve tried so many different techniques to put an end to this. Febreze just isn?t intense enough, and Black Ice air fresheners don?t seem to be working. Maybe if the ?student- athlete hypebeasts? just wore some deodorant, we would never have had this problem!?

Mr. Hendrzak and the rest of the Science Department have been hard at work developing a solution. While they call it ?The Odor Eraser?, it?s really just a protein shake, vaccine, and SAGE mystery meat all mixed together. Mr. Hendrzak said, ?The Odor Eraser will be extremely effective as soon as we finish its creation. It eliminates the possibility of any particles being smelled by stopping blood flow to the nose. Thanks SAGE!?

Will the deadly aroma ever be eliminated? What will the school do to make up for the losses of the beloved Sean Malfara and Colin Smyth? The story is still continuing just like the putrid smell of the basement?

6 | My Head | Friday, April 1, 2022 | The Hawkeye

M r. K ear ney's Book Sounds a L ot L ike M y AP English Essay

By M ur phy Bonner ?22

The walls of Room 101 are filled with framed photos of him and his newest release with iconic figures like Lil Nas X, Jack McCormick ?25, and The Bachelor?s Chris Harrison (Kearney?s dream job).

This critical acclaim, however, has been found to be unearned according to a Hawkeye investigation. Kearney?s multibillion dollar work that has already been turned into a Net-

DI SGRACEFUL RESI GNATI ON

M ur phy Bonner, Co-Editor-in-Chief of The Hawkeye (2021 - 2022)

y h p r er u M nn Bo flix mini-series and anime, was actually not his at all, but rather one of his students. Me. My rhetorical analysis of Hamlet that I turned in for Kearney?s class was copied verbatim and turned into his newest publication. He even kept the spelling mistakes and didn?t get rid of the ?Bonner 1? 2? 3? at the top of each page. The part that I still don?t understand is that he gave me a C- on the paper when I first

turned it in and wrote, ?You?ll never make it in this town, buddy boy * to be read in a Brooklyn accent* .?

When I went to confront Kearney about the allegations, he brought forth a ?contract? that I had signed on my first day of class. At the top, it was labeled ?Code of Conduct? and beneath it had a list of classroom procedures like ?being kind to others? and ?not making eye contact with Mr. Kear-

(Photo: The I mpostor From Among Us)

His characteristic smile has long disappeared. He eats his usual lunch of coleslaw off of a vinyl record. Drake plays in the background. But it?s Drake from Drake and Josh - his new music. Kearney stands behind a television screen displaying a room full of lawyers. Though, upon closer inspection, it may have just been a stock image.

Kearney runs his fingers through his toupee and mustache (both Mr. Kearney fake) as he sits cross-legged in his Prep track uniform. ?The glory days,? he later laments while flipping through his recent New York Times Bestselling debut novel, ?How to Keep Time.?

ney.? I had no idea what this absurd rule sheet had to do with anything until Kearney brought out a black light and revealed that, in small font, it read, ?Also I can take all of your stuff for myself. No take backs. * Evil laugh* .?

However, I discovered a loophole within this ^ % $% ^ & *

The staff of The Hawkeye would like to distance itself from the detestable Murphy Bonner and the shame that he has brought onto this historic publication.

M* * * * y was found to be embezzling money through The Hawkeye to pay for the rugby San Diego trip. His source for every article that he ever written was also, "Trust me bro."

Moderator Kevin Kearney '06 said,"Good riddance" and "nobody will miss him" at the simultaneous resignation party and book signing for his new tell-all "Working With a Monster: the Truth about the Bonner Hawkeye Administration" that debuts this fall.

Vaccaro Admits He M ade M r. K ear ney L eave

By Antonio Salier i '25 The year is 2076. Amid the American tercentennial celebrations, an 89- year- old teacher named Leo Vaccaro is carted away from the Prep in a gurney. Earlier he had locked himself in the Quinn Library while shouting the name ?Kearney? over and over as a dusty record of Mozart?s Symphony No. 25 blared. ?KEARNEY Forgive your assassin! I confess, I killed you! Si, I killed you, Kearney.

Kevin, pietà! Forgive your assassin!? the cries could clearly be heard in Jamison Wellman?s office.

Asked why he was repeating the name of his colleague and former co- moderator of the Hawkeye Kevin Kearney ?06, Vaccaro stated that it was due to his guilt at forcing Mr. Kearney to leave the Prep in 2022.

After a day in the hospital, a Jesuit novice was sent to talk to Mr. Vaccaro, who asked why the elderly teacher believed that he was responsible for Mr. Kearney leaving the Prep. Vaccaro unfortunately had a long-winded answer:

?Long before I came to the Prep, as a young boy in the hills of Rydal, I would offer up secretly the proudest prayer a boy could think of: Lord, make me a great moderator. Let me celebrate Your glory through submitting school newspapers to a Neptune, NJ printer - and be celebrated myself. Make me famous through the world of scholastic journalism. Dear God make me immortal. After I die let newspaper editors speak my name forever with love for what I advised. In return I will give You my restless nights, my industry, my deepest humility, every hour of my life, Amen.? ?Later my hopes were dashed ? I couldn?t be God?s greatest Hawkeye moderator ? as long as I was confronted with the true genius of Mr. Kearney?s advising abilities. Not to mention the one day I stumbled upon his lesson plans, astounding! It was beyond belief.

They showed no corrections of any kind. Not one. Kearney had simply written down groundbreaking pedagogy that was already finished in his head! Page after page of it as if he were just taking dictation.

And his novel ? finished as no

turned green with jealousy when I fantasized about all the praise that the emperor would shower on Kevin Kearney that would be copied to all the world. Unstoppable. Making my defeat more bitter with every passing column. And then ? do you know what happened? A miracle! There were three typos!? ??A young man trying to impress beyond his abilities,?said the Emperor. ?Too much spice.

Too many bylines.??

Surely teens at the Prep will enjoy these esoteric references to a 3-hour-long Mozart biopic from 40 years ago

novel is ever finished. Displace one word and there would be diminishment. Displace one phrase and the structure would fall!? ?So I made a plan to challenge God, and I swore ?I will hinder and harm your creature Kevin as far as I am able! I will ruin your incarnation!? I waited for the opportune moment: the emperor of Austria was set to visit the Prep ? the famous emperor of journalism.

Actually, the man had no nose for a story at all, so it was a perfect opportunity for some

manipulation.? ?I told Kearney that week that he ought to moderate that whole issue himself so as to showcase his abilities alone.

Not stopping to sleep or to eat, Kearney filled the spreads with journalistic excellence, sure to confer perfection on all who read it. Meanwhile, I put on my spookiest Venetian mask and would knock on his South Philly door in the middle of the night in an attempt to sabotage his efforts. But it was to no avail.

God was singing through this little man. I

When the novice finally begged Vaccaro to end his story, the elderly and dying history teacher was unable to focus on anything but his envy for his former colleague Kearny. Vaccaro asked ?Can you remember no staff box of mine? I was the most famous moderator at the Prep. I moderated every club that began with ?H? except for the Harry Potter Club.?

When the visitation hours ended, a nurse rolled Vaccaro past the other patients as he addressed them: ?I will chaperone for you, brother. I speak for all mediocrities on LucidPress. I am their moderator. I am their Flex Time Manager!?

The Hawkeye | Friday, April 1, 2022 |

That I | 7

Why You Can't Tr ust M ur phy Bonner

By K evin K ear ney ?06 I?m guessing by now you?ve read Murphy Bonner?s libelous article alleging he?s the actual author of my forthcoming novel, How to Keep Time. According to Bonner, I stole the contents of a paper he wrote for my AP III class and have attempted to pass the work off as my own. ?Relax, Mr. Kearney,? you?re saying to yourself, ?we don?t believe Murphy. It?s a ridiculous claim from a ridiculous person. He has two last names; no one takes him seriously.? I know, I know. I agree that his argument is absurd, but I?d be remiss if I let such falsehoods live on in the paper of record.

Let me start at the beginning.

Murphy claims that my novel was lifted from a rhetorical analysis of Hamlet that he turned in last year. If you read his paper and then read my book, you might make the same incorrect conclusion. But the conclusion is just that: incorrect. You see, while Murphy?s words do appear in my book, they are simply the jumping off point for my story, which is about a Junior in high school who is a piss- poor writer and a whiny crybaby.

Murphy Bonner is a frequent enjoyer of bullying small children (above middle), herding wild animals (above right), and taking his friends for pictures on cliff tops before pushing them off to their death (above left). He simply cannot be trusted and is a reprehensible human being.

I?ve taken elements of Murphy?s paper, yes, but I have recontextualized them in a fictive universe, allowing them to take on new meaning.

Furthermore, Murphy?s claim that I ?copied? his paper ?verbatim? is categorically false.

Let me show you an example.

The following is a line from ney s Murphy? paper: ?Indeed, ear K vin Ke throughout his famous soliloquy, Hamlet makes use of an-

tithesis.? Now, here is a similar but distinctly different line from my novel: ?In addition, in his well- known speech, Prince Hamlet often uses antithesis.?

While the meaning remains the same, you don?t have to be a scholar to see that those are two entirely different sentences.

If the basis of Murphy?s allegations is this misleading, what else might he be lying about?

What else might he be hiding?

Is Murphy actually a con-artist intent on destroying the careers of budding writers? Is Murphy, in reality, extorting me for the purposes of funding an illicit drug- smuggling operation? Is all of his recent behavior really just because last year I corrected his pronunciation of the word ?litotes?? Folks, I don?t have answers here. I?m just asking honest questions.

I should?ve seen this coming.

It happens to all of the greats once they finally reach the top.

A lot of folks in the industry say the backlash is inevitable. I guess the only person I can blame is myself. I was a fool to trust Murphy Bonner. Please, please, don?t make the same mistake.

Jack M cCor mick '25 Appreciation Page

RI P

RI P

Pre-RI P

Senior Privilege

Villiger Hall

(1851 - 2021)

(1968 - 2022)

FlexTime Manager (2021- 2022)

The staff of The Hawkeye The staff of The Hawkeye (and everyone with a (most probably) mourns soul) mourn the the loss of the College inconceivable loss of Counseling Office, The something as precious as Library Printer, and the senior privilege (Let us Senior Lounge. (There leave early). Nobody were books in the should suffer such library?) excruciating pain.

The staff of The Hawkeye expects to mourn the loss of FlexTime Manager.

FlexTime will most be certainly replaced by a newer sign-up model (that will totally work this time!) called FlexiSchedTimeManager+

"I wish I was Jack McCormick" - Society "Jack could fix this" - People with problems

8 | Can't | Friday, April 1, 2022 | The Hawkeye

The Prep Upgr ades to Premium Ver sion of Blackbaud: Blackbaud+

By Joe Clar k ?25

Everything at the Prep revolves around Blackbaud.

It is the hub for grades, classes, conduct, and the school calendar.

But this new option takes it all a step further. Enter Blackbaud+: The ultimate Blackbaud experience.

The upgrades can be seen right away as Blackbaud+ actually keeps you signed in.

Another major upgrade is a new dark mode for late- night assignments, or just to look at the beautiful Web Design at night.

Got annoying friends being loud in the library? Blackbaud+ gives you the option to remove people from parts of the building.

It also features IGGY, a daily Prep word game inspired by Wordle. The first few words have been ?Latin?, ?Coyle?, ?Raffa?, ?Deans?, and ?Hawks?.

(Photo: Hell)

Another new feature is for students to be able to grade their teachers on the curriculum, humor, homework and difficulty. There is now a phone widget option as well.

There is also a new ?Ratio? button that allows you to ratio your peers via Blackbaud+ assignments.

For just an extra thirty dollars a month, you can get three get- out- of- JUG passes a month.

Have a test coming up that you didn?t study for? Blackbaud+ gives you the ability to set off the fire alarm at any given time. All this power at your fingertips for such a tiny fee.

Blackbaud+ also features the opportunity to purchase Prep NFTs, which include a Mr. Raffa NFT, an Iggy NFT, and a D?Andre Swift NFT. If you opt in now, you can also earn access to an exclusive A- List

priority line in the dining hall.

Blackbaud+ also allows you to be able to listen to the bonus WSJP broadcasts from events like the Turkey Bowl to the National Latin Exam.

You will also be granted the complete collection of Cavacos COVID updates (?Remember to tuck it people!?)

Blackbaud+ has critics raving. ?Flabbergastingly good,? said Mr. Dougherty.

To have the most incredible Blackbaud experience, sign up for Blackbaud+: Blackbaud reimagined.

Features

K airos L eaves Teenage Boys With Emotions; Administr ation Plans To Fix That (Photo: But at least we actually do work, unlike La Salle students, who are still learning how to count to 10 and their times tables!)

By Ted Antczak ?23 Over the past few months of the 2021-22 school year, many Prep juniors and seniors have made the decision to go on Kairos, a four-day, upperclassmen retreat that takes place roughly once every month.

Many students come back with raw emotions and more empathy towards other students and faculty around them.

With the most recent to return being Kairos 177, it is evident that more and more Prep students are coming to school excited to learn and willing to empathize with others. However, the Prep administration has noticed this trend in ?young men? showing more emotion and plans to put a stop to this immediately.

On Friday, March 32nd, the administration announced a plan for all future Kairos retreatants. Starting with the April Kairos, all retreatants will be required to do double the assignments they missed,

POV: You are a Prep student looking up at the mountain of extra homework assigned to you on your first day back from Kairos.

while only having the weekend to complete all of these assignments. The school sent this out

in an email, saying, ?We believe that our young men have had too much time to worry

about themselves while on Kairos, and by giving them less time we will bring them

back into reality quicker. They need to learn that the world is a burning hellscape, not filled with sunshines and rainbows.?

This announcement did not come without major backlash from many members of the student body. Zach Reagan ?23, who went on Kairos in February, said that the school is ?literally 1984,? and is ?doing the exact opposite of what Kairos is teaching us, while trying to accelerate the process of that reversal.? Max Nast ?23 added a different perspective to the debate, saying he ?cried for the first time in years on Kairos,? and that he ?started crying again after he saw the pile of homework he had to complete.? The Prep administration commented on the matter saying, ?We believe these to be tears of joy.?

This debate will continue for, likely, the next couple of weeks, as many students are threatening to ?just not do the assignments? and watch the average GPA of the Prep tank.

The Hawkeye | Friday, April 1, 2022 |

Keep | 9

I ggy Star ts Pr ayer Group

By I saiah L ittlej ohn ?24 Why is the prayer group built on lies? Let me tell you why, but first some background.

The SJP Prayer Group was established in February 2022 by a senior Prepper, Caleb Datto ?22. He planned to make an environment where the Prep community could discuss, ?Where they were in their faith lives,? said Datto. ?The prayer group meets in the White Chapel every Wednesday before school. We do different types of prayers? adoration, readings, thanksgiving, and intentions,? he said.

While this sounds great, it is important to remember that deceit wears a senior sweater and a charming smile.

Two weeks ago, supposedly at the prayer group, Datto was seen at a Wawa ordering an Italian hoagie with extra mayo and lettuce. ?It was him clear as day. I was flabbergasted! Who likes extra mayo and lettuce?? said Luke Gallagher ?23 to The Hawkeye.

Of course, a one- time absence is not enough to assume Datto never attended service at all. But, unfortunately, this was not the only time.

On another Wednesday morning, while walking into the building, senior Daniel Deeney ?22 spotted Datto taking candy from the front office when he was allegedly ?at the prayer group?. ?I could not believe it. I stood in awe as I saw him pick up the candy jar and dump at least a dozen YORK Peppermint Patties in his backpack,?

Deeney said.

In addition to these accounts, there have been many other similar, harrowing offenses committed by Datto, such as dining on early morning lob-

At times, Iggy will forget to bring his AI robot of Caleb Datto '22 to school. So, this has led to Iggy having to resort to different disguises, such as wearing a senior sweater (left) or a tie (bottom right) so that people think he's just a normal Prep student. Iggy also has tried in the past to negotiate with the Prep Hawk (above right) to see if he would lend him his costume to be used as a disguise.

ster in the vacated senior lounge.

Reddy?s eyes at the conclusion of our interview.

Chapel to get their eyes on the man behind the facade.

However, it is suspected that other eyewitnesses were bribed

by Datto in the anticipation of the release of this story.

Now, faced with all the evidence, one is left with the questions, ?Who is really running the prayer group?? and, ?Why are the morning announcements endorsing such a falsehood?? The answer was made clear, after an undercover mission.

After waiting about two minutes, a newly religious and not demonic Iggy (see page 2) entered the room. Overcome with CDS (Cute Dog Syndrome), they almost blew their cover.

But, luckily, they endured years of training not to fall for the cute demeanor of a pup, after the Benji incident of ?17.

Classmate, Nolan Reddy ?22, a bribed witness of one of these events, decided to speak up in defiance of silence: ?I heard him singing Oops!? I Did It Again by Britney Spears in the 5th floor J- Hall bathroom. I?m not ashamed to say it brought me to tears, but nonetheless, he should have been at the Prayer Group.?

With reminiscence in his eyes, a single tear dropped from

Showing up before the group convened, private investigators of The Hawkeye, (who would like to be anonymously identified by their code names, ?Zoom Crasher? and ?Toilet Fruit?), waited on the secondfloor balcony of the White

Zoom Crasher and Toilet Fruit, observed as Iggy walked around the room for some time, as if he was making sure there were no witnesses. He closed the door with a quick swish of his tail, made his way to the middle of the floor, and began to stand on his hind legs.

Iggy walked toward the altar, grabbed the match, and lit the candles. Then he proceeded to sit down, pick up a Bible, and search for the scripture of the day. ?WOOF, BARK, BARK, WOOF,? Iggy yelped, or, in English, ?I think something out of the Book of Mark will be good for today!?

Iggy then went behind the altar and pressed a hidden button, ?Like the ones under a minimart?s check- out counters,?

Zoom Crasher said. Suddenly, the bricks began to separate and revealed an AI version of Caleb Datto.

Running a prayer group can be difficult for Iggy the Dog (above), which explains why Iggy takes frequent naps on the floor of the foyer here at the Prep. When The Hawkeye asked him about this, Iggy said, "BARK, WOOF, BARK, WOOF", or, in English, "I only rest on Sundays, since that is the Lord's day of rest."

Iggy, opening up the machine with a paw recognition pad and retina scanner, jumped into the Android, and began to maneuver it. Next thing you know, it was 8:20, and ?Datto? began to welcome people in.

The footage was leaked on the Prep?s Facebook minutes later, and, as the real Datto took a bite into his peppermint patty during his first period free, he came to realize his life was ruined.

It has been two weeks since this event, and Preppers are still adjusting to the news. ?What else could be going on behind the scenes at the Prep??

Gallagher said with an eerie look. ?There?s much more to be uncovered. Like maybe our vending machine money is being used to fund an underground teacher?s spa! I betcha no one?s running that story!?

In other news, now that Iggy?s secret is out, he has decided to apply for a job at the Prep as a college counselor. ?WOOF, BARK, WOOF, BARK, BARK,? or, in English, ?I am pawsitive I can make a difference in the school!?

As for regular Datto, he still enjoys his Italian hoagies and YORK every day before the bell rings, while planning his next scheme with Iggy. First, college counselor - next first dog President of St. Joe?s Prep.

10 | Out | Friday, April 1, 2022 | The Hawkeye

COFFEY I S I N YOUR WAL L S What is your address? How many square feet is your home? What is the monetary value of your home? How much do you pay in property taxes? Is there an attic? Are there any places to sleep in your attic? What percent of the pipes are copper? Is there central air conditioning? How many minutes away is the police station? How many minutes away is the fire department? How would you like to die? What is your biggest re-

(Photo: ur mom)

By Eamon Coffey ?22

Eamon Coffey '22 (pictured above) has recently switched to a 100% cannibal diet, where he feasts on the remains of his victims.

gret? What are you most afraid of? How many windows are in

your house? What hospital were you born in? How many

doors? What are the dimensions of your crawlspace?

What is the height and width of the air conditioning vents? Are there places to sleep in your attic? How many exits are in your home? Is there an extra bed in your home? How many people live there? Are there children living in your home?

Are there any pets? Weapons?

Where are the weapons stored?

The neighbors, how many yards away are they? Do the neighbors listen to what goes on in your home? Would they

be inclined to call the authorities in the event of loud noises?

M r. Dougher ty Star ts Glee Club (Photo: I said right foot creep, ooh, I 'm walking with that heater)

By Conor Flaher ty ?24 Singers rejoice!

At long last, the Prep will begin hosting meetings for its all- new Glee Club, headed by none other than Latin teacher Mr. Dougherty. We at The Hawkeye have been fortunate enough to have received an exclusive interview with the man himself, as well as input from a few students, to find out what inspired him to make this bold decision. ?When I found out there wasn?t a Glee Club already, I was flabbergasted,? said Mr. Dougherty. ?Suffice it to say, this will no longer be an issue.

When I was here, I would?ve been a member of the Glee Club the first week of my freshman year.?

Mr. Dougherty (left), along with Heidi Klum (left middle), Sofia Vergara (right middle), Simon Cowell (right), and Terry Crews (back middle), hold auditions for the Glee Club in an America's Got Talent-style format. One time a measly freshman got a golden buzzer for singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star " on key.

This came as quite a surprise to us at The Hawkeye, but according to his students, this has been a long time coming.

during a lecture he just started singing, like, for no reason,? reported an anonymous student. When asked to elaborate further, he refused, telling us that he ?doesn?t pay attention.?

?Yeah, about a week ago,

As it turns out, Dougherty?s

students were, in fact, correct that his interest in the Glee Club should come as no surprise. Our investigators found that Mr. Dougherty does not actually hold a degree in classics, but instead, in musical

theater. ?Latin has always been just a language to me,? Dougherty answered when asked about this newfound information. ?Singing- - that will forever be my true calling.?

Mr. Dougherty went on to share with us his plans for the future of the club and expressed interest in holding auditions. While having a meeting during community period for mandatory auditions seems unfair and unnecessary, Mr. Dougherty insisted that it is of utmost importance. ?To be frank, the level of singing talent among most Prep students will not suffice.

Anything but the best will not be tolerated,? he said.

This may seem harsh, but Mr. Dougherty assured us that all are welcome to come and try out in a (mostly) judgmentfree environment.

So there you have it, the full scoop on the newest club, coming soon to community period on Fridays. Those interested should pay a visit to room J407, and be sure to be out of dress code; he won?t mind at all!

M y [Redacted] Reflection on K airos

By Aidan Williams ?23 Kairos was such an amazing and enriching experience, and I cannot suggest more than to embark on this journey of spiritual awakening.

We started off our Kairos journey by [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted].......... [Redacted] [Redacted]. Then, when arriving at [Redacted] [Redacted], we immediately [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted]. On the first night, we didn?t [Redacted]...

[Redacted] [Redacted? ], but instead we [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted].

The second day was a lot different. It started off with [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted], which didn?t go on for too long, but then we moved on to [Redacted] [Redacted], which took forever.

After lunch, at which we had [Redacted], we had a lot of fun [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] in the [Redacted].

That night we [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted], which was absolutely [Redacted] [Redacted], and I couldn?t even believe that [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted].

After lights out, we tried to [Redacted] [Redacted] and [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted], but [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted], although [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted]. The next morning, I felt as if [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted].

The third day we all really started to [Redacted] [Redacted], which made the experience so much

[Redacted] [Redacted], and [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted]. That night we continued the streak of, [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted], and that was probably the most [Redacted] of all the days.

That night we had a bit of a mishap, when the [Redacted] [Redacted] almost burned down, but it didn?t end up affecting anything in the long run.

did a little [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted]. To our surprise, [Redacted].......

[Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted], and [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted]..................

Overall, it was a On the magical fourth and experifinal day we ence that continued to I could [Redacted] not sug[Redacted] gest more [Redacted] for other [Redacted].

Prep stuOnce findents, ished with and I that, we -Aidan Williams ?23 hope that packed up they are all able to get out of our belongings and got on our Kairos the same things I was merry way back to St. Joe?s able to get out of my Kairos.

Prep. Once we were back we Lastly, if I were to pick a fa-

"The third day we all really started to [Redacted] [Redacted], which made the experience so much [Redacted] [Redacted], and [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted] [Redacted]."

vorite moment from Kairos 176, it would be when we all took off [Redacted] [Redacted], and we played [Redacted].

11 | Got Me | Friday, April 1, 2022 | The Hawkeye

The Hawkeye | Friday, April 1, 2022 |

Got Me | 11

Entertainment M eet The Prep's New No-Nonsense Disciplinar ian: Batman

By Daniel L aw ?23 Discipline. It?s the one thing every Prep student doesn?t want. Even though it?s a triedand- true method for shaping boys into men, most students don?t actually have respect for discipline anymore. Threats of JUG have become nothing more than mild annoyances.

Students aren?t scared to break the rules, and it?s become an epidemic of massive proportions. Recently, one student, claiming to be the ?Riddler,? submitted an anonymous note to his English teacher in the place of his essay, which included a cryptic message, reading, ?If quizzes are quizzical, then what are tests?? When confronted with the prospect of JUG for a week, he simply laughed hysterically and asked for some MUG root beer.

Students have begun to follow in footsteps of the Riddler's deeds, instigating similar juvenile pranks around school, including one dressed in full clown makeup who claims that we ?live in a society.?

Luckily, in order to fix this systemic problem, the Prep has reached out to someone for help in putting back the fear of God in students who might just get caught with their shirts untucked. They called in the Batman.

The Batman has made quite a name for himself in terrorizing the criminals of Gotham over the last few years. Through his eerie bat symbol and ominous presence, he passionately serves to deter anyone who even dares to commit the most minuscule offense in his city, lest they be beaten to a pulp.

Batman (above) on his way to shatter your kneecaps after running in the hall.

This is why Batman was such a perfect fit for this disciplinary role at the Prep. After all, Prep students nowadays are just far too lackadaisical with the rules. It thus serves to have such an omnipresent reminder of the consequences for your actions actively patrol the school from the shadows.

From his Batcave set up in the murky Gesu catacombs, the Prep?s Batman now operates under a new, strict M.O.eviscerate anyone who dreams of breaking school code, no matter how small their offense.

Already Batman has made a significant impact at the Prep, within only weeks of initial deployment.

After being stationed in the J- Hall stairway, he has already caught a number of students with their

phones out AND with a hoodie, thus delivering onto them his brand of justice. Let?s just say that these unfortunate students held an extended trip to the school nurse that day.

One such student, Andrew O?Hara ?23, had been a victim of one such event before reaching out to The Hawkeye. ?I saw Iggy in the hallway and I chose not to pet him,? says O?Hara. ?I just didn?t feel like it. Then the Batman showed up and broke both my wrists. All of my fingers, individually, one by one, were shattered. The next day, I showed up to math class late, due to all the struggling with my casts, and Batman came and broke both my knees too. I?m in the hospital currently. The doctor said it would be a miracle if I ever walked again¯ \_(? )_/¯ .?

Batman?s effect on Prep discipline has been rather controversial among us in the student body. Protests by students who have received critical injuries from the Caped Crusader had begun in the cafeteria, which he had quickly and violently shut down.

?Fear is a tool,? he said. ?When my goofy bat symbol hits the J- Hall stairs, it?s not just a call. It?s a warning. For them. Those who think it's fine and dandy to have slightly long hair. Because that. Is. Not. Justice. Cause I am justice. And vengeance. And Batman.?

In the wake of this series of inimical repeated controversies, #StudentsAgainstBatman began to trend on Instagram.

However, those who contributed to the hashtag promptly found themselves in the infirmary, after suffering several bat- shaped injuries, presumably from some kind of bat-shaped boomerang.

With the presence of Batman (WHO IS DEFINITELY NOT BRUCE WAYNE WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT) here at the Prep, it appears as though the antiquated fear of JUG has been retired for a new fear: the fear of a man in spandex who dresses as a flying rodent.

Batman reached out to The Hawkeye to clear his name in the midst of backlash, and warn the enraged student body.

The Hawkeye Staff of 2021-2022

Whenever you hear the whispers of the words ?I?m Batman'' in your future, you best be sure you have your damn shirt tucked in. Or else.

St. Joseph's Prepar ator y School L aurel Hill M ansion Philadelphia, PA 19130

The Dictator s

M edia M ogul

Andrew Sergovic '22

Michael Robak '23

Joe Clark '25

Murphy Bonner '22

Daniel Law '23

Steven Tannenbaum '22

Anthony Salvato '23

Quinn Holden '25

Aiden Vallecillo '22

Wolfgang Wahl '23

Our Future Boss

Jacob Whitman '22

CJ Weipz '23

Puppet-M aster s

Daniel Deeney '22

Sean Angelucci '23

Andrew Wenger '23

Mr. Leo Vaccaro '05

Ted Antczak '23

Aidan Williams '23

Stephen Cain '22 Robert Woltjen '22

The Assistant Dictator s Luke Gallagher '23

Simmons Hater

James Baker '23

Jake Wisniewski '23

Liam Holden '23

Brendan Dougherty '23

Colin Birkmire '23

Peter Bae '24

Brendan Currier '23

Matteo DeJesse '24

The L iter al Bee M ovie Plot

Cultists

Jack Gallagher '23

Conor Flaherty '24

Aiden Anderson '22

Jared Alicea '22

Ian Gomez '23

Max Kline '24

Nicholas Bedrossian '22

Kieran Hicks '23

Isaiah Littlejohn '24

Seven Wor d M emoir Guy

Eamon Coffey '22

Jack Jaeger '23

Aidan Lynch '24

Caleb Datto '22

Ashton Dial '22

Drew Kampf '23

Jackson Maguire '24

Joseph Kriz '22

Max Nast '23

Joseph Mancini '24

Nate Murawski '22

Zach Reagan '23

Antoine Robinson '24

I n case if you could not tell, this edition of The Hawkeye is intended to be satire.

All mater ials pr inted by The Hawkeye are intended to both enter tain and infor m the Prep community as well as cultivate an environment that gener ates meaningful and productive discussion.

The opinions and beliefs expressed in the adver tisements and ar ticles in this publication do not necessar ily reflect the values or mission of The Hawkeye Student Newspaper or St. Joe's Prep.

12 | Singing Like | Friday, April 1 2022 | The Hawkeye

(Photo: Straight Outta The Nursery. Also is that Garrett McCloskey?????????????? AHH!)

Boss Baby Enrolls At the Prep, Becomes Youngest Student

By Joseph K r iz ?22 This year, the Prep was enthused to have its youngest freshman ever enrolled. You may know him from his appearance in The Boss Baby, but here at the Prep, he is a much more simple and jobless student. His name is Theodore Templeton, but most of the freshmen call him ?Ted.?

Standing at an intimidating 2 ft. 8 in., Ted is the shortest freshman in Prep history. ?I am proud of my historic stature.

It?s not because I have any sort of growth deficiency at all. It?s just, I am a baby,? said Ted. After a successful young acting career, Ted Templeton has found a new home in the Prep and said, ?Being at the Prep so far has been anything but typical. In fact, I have really enjoyed this new environment in the city since I?m from the ?burbs.?

He was asked what his favorite teacher was and he responded, ?If I were to pick one teacher who I were to have over all others, it would be Mr. Raffa because I am a very hungry boy and need all the treats I can get.?

Ted Templeton '25 (above left) has fit in nicely with the Prep faithful and has become a class favorite due to his insane football ability.

As a school community, we have to acknowledge his extreme talent in academics, eating a lot, and playing football.

He is truly a unique freshman.

Ted may not be on the football team (he did not turn in his physical), but he sure loves to hang around in the endzone

during the sweaty freshman free periods. He stated, ?I thoroughly enjoy dominating at football during free and community periods, and they call me 'The Pylon' the way I stand motionless, yet wide open in the end zone.? It is unclear to The Hawkeye as to

how Ted can be ?dominating? football.

Having worked his way to the top of the Babycorp company, Ted is adept when it comes to academics. So far he has a 4.0 GPA, has a 98 and above average in all of his classes, and is adored by all of his teachers. ?Ted is in my algebra class, and he knows multivariable calculus,? says Jack Gormley ?25. Clearly he is destined to do great things the way he is representing our school academically.

At school, however, Ted has had a very high number of JUGs due to his constant violation of student conduct. ?I hate masks, bro,? said Ted. ?I don?t care if I have JUG everyday.?

Ted has had fifty JUGs just from getting yelled at by the deans for not wearing his mask, but he also has another twenty JUGs from being late to class because crawling from Villiger to J- Hall is nothing short of a marathon for a student of his size. Ted said, ?I tell my teachers I?m late because I?m slow and I?m literally a baby, but they can?t bear the amount of whining I do. So

they just give me JUG.?

Besides his academic achievements and student conduct mishaps, Ted also tried to join the Prep Crew team with dreams of becoming a coxswain, but napping on the bus and waking up lost at the bus depot multiple times cost him his dreams of Ivy League rowing.

He has since found refuge in our schools spring Cape and Sword production Something Rotten! His audition monologue was a perfect impersonation of Alec Baldwin. What talent! ?He is a bit of a loud nuisance and I?ve tripped over him like twenty times in the dark, but Ted is a fine addition to our show,? said Ashton Dial ?22.

Overall, our school is glad to have accepted such a unique student, and we hope that through a rigorous Jesuit education, he will grow both mentally and physically (due to his height!) before he goes to college at only six years old.

The Prep Considered As Film Set For Euphoria Season 3 Warning: Season 2 Spoilers Ahead! (We're Being Serious) (Photo: Marry Me Zendaya. Please. I 'm Down Bad.)

By I an Gomez ?23 The Prep has stood as an icon of North Philly for the past century and a half. As one of the city?s oldest high schools, generations of young teenagers have grown up in an environment that fosters transformative change, often in very dramatic and interesting ways.

This is why Old St. Joe?s has caught the eye of many, now including Hollywood. The hit HBO series Euphoria has formally reached out to the Prep to inquire as to whether our campus could be used as a film location for the third season of the hit series, set to hit the screens in late 2023.

Euphoria, for the unofficiated, has taken the country by storm and, for many, was virtually synonymous with the winter season of 2022.

For many, we had seen two Super Bowls this year: one in LA between the Rams and the

Stars of the hit HBO show Euphoria (pictured above) took a tour of the Prep's campus this past week to check out a potential filming location for their blockbuster third season.

Bengals, and another, in the small town of East Highland just a bit south, between Maddy Perez and Cassie Howard in their face off to see who's crazier.

The plot of Euphoria follows the lives of some closely knit friends in suburban California as they deal with certain interesting situations, all of which

are extremely child- friendly.

The shock of these very, very PG scenes have garnered a large audience of teens across the world.

And high schools all over the country have taken notice, competing in a Games of Thrones-esque like bid to gain the rights to become Euphoria?s replacement film set.

After the last set burned down following an incident with a carousel horse, leading to a fiery explosion in a theatrical performance, HBO has scrambled to find a new high school setting for their series, starting in the neighboring Philadelphia area.

Malvern Prep, La Salle College High School, and Roman Catholic High School were all briefly considered, but were cut out of the running very early on because of their downright atrocious vibes.

Well, it just so happens that the Prep has been selected as a finalist to become this new set.

According to insider sources, this is due to the fact that several iconic locations around the school can help propel the plot forward in unique ways.

For example, early leaks tell us how the Gesu church has been scripted to be a site for respectful prayer for our cast as they attend a recently departed character's funeral.

In addition, Dean Greene?s office has been appropriated to become a jail cell in a scene between Fezco, now behind bars, and Rue, now on the run.

In this scene, the cliffhanger of the season opener, Fez digs an escape tunnel fueled only by nearby Mr. Softie milkshakes and a mixtape of soundtracks from Our Life put together by Lexi Howard.

And finally, the season finale has been rumored to be planned for the rooftop playground, in a tense scene between Cassie, Maddy, Nate, and Samantha. No spoilers have been unveiled, but I can reveal one crucial detail: the alarm clock camera will play a BIG role.

Season 3 is set to air in 2023, which means filming would occur sometime over the summer. While the highly anticipated season's filming will almost certainly be discreet, if anyone happens to see Zendaya roaming around 17th and Girard, you'll know the Prep has entered the world of film and HBO.

The Hawkeye | Friday, April 1, 2022 |

Na-Na | 13

st at ues and dogs

- .. - .-.. .

Playlists at the Prep Often lost in the sauce is the fact that teachers are real people, too? people who listen to music. In this recurring segment, The Hawkeye features songs from a an inanimate statue found in the foyer and a dog, both by the name Iggy. Enjoy!

Compiled By Your M om '23

.... .- .... .- / -.-- --- ..- / -. . .-. -.. / -.-- --- ..- / -... . - - . .-. / - .-. .- -. ... .-.. .- - . / .- .-.. .-.. / --..-. / - .... .. ...

-... -.-- / .--- .- -.-. -.- / .--- .- . --. . .-. / -.-. .-.. .- ... ... / --- ..-. / - .-- .

-. - -.-- / - .... .-. . . .-.... .. .-.. . / -- --- .-. ... . / .. ... / .-. .- .-. . .-.. -.-/ ..- ... . -.. / .- -. -.-- ---- .-. . --..-- / ... --- -- . / .... .- ...- . / -... . . -. / .--. ..- ... .... .. -. --. / ... --- .-. / .- / .-. . - ..- .-.

-. / - --- / - .... .. ... / -.-. .-.. .- ... ... .. -.-. / ... -.- ... - . -- .-.-.- / - .... .. ... / .-. . -.-. . -. - / .--. ..- ... .... / .... .- ... / .... .- -.. / - .... . / .--. .-. . .-. / .- -.. -- .. -. .. ... - .-. .- - .. --- -. / .- --. .-. . . / - --- / -.-. .... .- -. --. . / .- .-.. .-.. / ..-. --- .-. -... / --- ..-. / ... -.-. .... -- --- .-.. / -.-. --- -- -..- -. .. -.-. .- - .. --- -. / - --- / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-.

--- -.. . .-.-.- / .-- .... . -. / .- ... -.- . -.. / - --- / -.. --- -- -- . -. - / .-- .... .-- / - .... . -.-- / .... .- -.. / -.-. .... --- ... . -. / - --/ ..- ... . / .- / ..-. --- .-. - / --- ..-. / -.-. --- -- -..- -. .. -.-. .- - .. --- -. / -. --- -... --- -.. -.-- / ..-

-. -.. . .-. ... - .- -. -.. ...

--..-- / - .... . / .- -.. -- ..

-. .. ... - .-. .- - .. --- -. / .-. . ... .--. --- -. -.. . -.. -..-- / .-..-. .- -- --- --. ..- ... / ... ..- ... ... -.-- / .. -- .--. --- ... - . .-. / ... ..- ... ... -.-- / ... ..- ... / .- -- --- -. --. ..- ... .-.-..-..-. / .- -.-. -.-. --- .-. .. .. -. --. / - --- / .- / -- .

-- -... . .-. / --- ..-. / ... .- ..-. ..-. --..-- / - .... . / ... .-- .. - -.-. .... / - --- / -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. . / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / -... . / - .- -.. . / ..- -. .. .-.. .- . .-. .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / --- -. / .--- ..- -. . / .---- ... - / --- ..-. / - .... .. ... / -.-- . .- .-. .-.-.- / ... --- .-.-.- / .-- .... -.-- / .- .-. . / -.---- ..- / ... - .. .-.. .-.. / .... . .-. . ..--.. / .-- .... .- / -.. .. -.. / -.-- --- ..- / .... --- .--. . / - --- / --. ... -. / ..-. .-. --- -- / - .-. .- -. ... .-.. .- - .. -. --. / .... .. ... / .- .-.. .-.. ..--.. / .- .-. . / -.-- --- ..- / ... .- - .. ... ..-. .. . -.. ..--.. / -.. --- / -.-- --- ..- / ..-. . . .-.. / .- -.-. -.-. --- -- .-. .-.. .. ... .... . -.. ..--..

That St. I gnatius Statue in the Foyer 1.

When The Saints Go Mar ching In Louis Ar mstrong

I ggy 1.

Baha Men 2. The Dogs of War

2. Cannonball The Breeder s 3.

Pink Floyd 3.

Change Your Life Iggy "Ignatius" Azalea

4. Doggy Dogg Wor ld Snoop Dogg feat. Da Dogg Pound & The Dr amatics

Hozier Follow God

5.

Kanye West 6. The Jesuits

Saints Echos

8. Jesus Walks Kanye West 9. Stair way to Heaven Led Zeppelin 10. Pr aise The Lor d (Da Shine) A$AP Rocky, Skepta 11. Halo (Theme Song) Mar tin O'Donnell, Michael

Hot Dog Elvis Presley

6. Walking the Dog

Mac Miller 7.

Dogs on the Run Tom Petty

4. Take Me to Chur ch

5.

Who Let the Dogs Out?

Rufus Thomas 7.

I Love My Dog Cat Stevens

8. Big Dog Status Scar face (feat. Wacko) 9. Dogs for Life DMX 10. Givin the Dog the Bone AC/DC 11. Black Dog Led Zeppelin 12. Doggystyle

Salvator i 12. Statue of a Fool

THE HAWKEYE WI L L WRI TE ARTI CL ES I N CARTI NESE FROM NOW ON CONTACT playboi.car ti@sj prephawks.or g FOR M ORE!

Ricky Van Shelton 13. I Am a Rock Simon & Gar funkel 14. The Foyer Dr ab Majesty 15. WAP Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion

Snoop Dogg 13. My Dawg 21 Savage & Metro Boomin 14. Dog Days ar e Over Florence + The Machine 15. Dogs Pink Floyd

14 | Na-Na | Friday, April 1, 2022 | The Hawkeye

* Squid Game Theme I ntensifies* SQUI D GAME from p. 1

Many have questioned how Mr. Greene was able to persuade the administration to approve this kind of competition, as well as how he even came up with the idea. He said that, ?My reasoning is simple: there is nothing I enjoy more than making Prep students suffer.

And if any of them need to suffer, it's those high- voiced, jacket- buttoning, Axe Body Spray- wearing freshmen. Getting the administration on my side was also far easier than expected. I had a whole Powerpoint presentation ready, but they had told me, ?You had us at impractical and stupid.??

The first competition of the day was a game of ?Al?s Red Light Greene Light.? The freshmen were lined up at one end of the Fieldhouse with Dean Greene standing on the other side. The freshmen would have to make it to the other side to advance to the next round.

The morning prayer played over the announcements while Mr. Greene's back was turned, and, occasionally, he would turn around.

If any of the freshmen were caught moving, Dean Greene would publicly humiliate them and give them JUG, thus eliminating them from the competition. This challenge had knocked out almost one third of the freshman class, because many of them were caught tripping over their own umbilical cords.

Jake Santoro '25 (pictured above) was one of the many casualties of the Prep's inaugural Squid Games Competition. Although he had finessed the system in both "The SAGE Trials" and the "Party Like It's 1966" challenge, not even the cleverness of Santoro could withstand the inescapable boredom that comes with listening to a speaker in the Church of the Gesu. The phrase "You snooze, you lose" was something that Santoro should have really considered about before the final challenge. "The Gesu Shootout" challenge = 1, Jake Santoro '25 = 0.

parts of their overpriced foods that were actually edible. If any inedible parts were not cut out, the freshmen were forced to choke down a cup of SAGE coffee and were immediately disqualified. As expected, this challenge was by far one of the most difficult ones, leaving around 50 freshmen left.

Dean Greene, using his years of FBI experience, discovered after the competition that all of the students that made it

(Photo: I wanna take a pic with Cardi B inside my cardigan)

In the next competition, ?The SAGE Trials,? the freshmen were given different SAGE foods as well as plastic knives, and were asked to find the

Mr. Vaccaro '05 instructs his bewildered class. "I'm not sure whether I like Under Pressure or The Incredible True Story more, to be honest," said Vaccaro. "They're both classics in my opinion."

(Photo: 067 was a baddie tho in "Squid Game" btw)

however, in this competition, the freshmen would receive a punishment much worse than that: having to re- read Tattoos on the Heart while listening to Mr. Cavacos do the morning announcements.

A poster promoting the first ever Freshman Squid Game Tournament (pictured above) that featured some petite infants (I mean, freshmen) who ended up competing.

through this round cheated.

Freshman Jake Santoro said, ?I knew this challenge was coming, so I grabbed a bag of dog poop left on the street beforehand and submitted that to the judges. I just told them that it was an order of chicken tenders and they let me move on.?

After that came the ?Party Like It?s 1966? challenge, where each freshman was tasked with helping Mr. Raffa heat up a plate of bacon without starting a fire. The diminutive students had to remain alert and on their toes, having to frequently and attentively reset the microwave timer from 100 minutes to 1 minute, remind him not to put tin foil in a microwave, and politely remind him that a flamethrower was not a safe alternative.

This challenge narrowed it down to only 10, and even those 10 elite infants expressed in interviews how this challenge almost got them eliminated. Some of them were only able to make it through by cooking the bacon themselves or distracting Mr. Raffa by asking him to talk about Casi Casi or The Battle of Hastings.

While many students failed, Mr. Raffa was quite thankful and congratulatory towards

those who could successfully help him, which was evident from the mountains of candy and Diet Coke that he awarded them.

Next came the final challenge of the Squid Game Competition, as well as the hardest: ?The Gesu Shootout.?

The 10 remaining prepubescent bozos were forced to sit through a talk from a guest speaker in the Gesu without falling asleep or dying of boredom. Reporters of The Hawkeye state that the guest speaker?s name was Echo Echo (at least that's what it sounded like given the Gesu?s acoustics.)

As Echo rambled on and on about some Ignatian crap or whatever, competitors began dropping like flies. After the first twenty minutes, freshman Jake Santoro had already carved out the entire Five Nights at Freddy?s lore onto the pew in front of him to try to occupy himself, but he still fell asleep after 45 minutes.

After 2 hours, it was a headto- head battle between freshman Xavier Edwards and another sorry excuse for a Prep freshman who had no name, as he was a newborn infant. This battle of wills finally came to

an end when the unnamed freshman had to change his own stinky diapers, declaring Xavier Edwards the winner.

When The Hawkeye had approached Edwards for an interview, he declined, citing his want to transfer to La Salle immediately following the Squid Game carnage.

After the competition, Mr. Greene stated that the Freshman Squid Game Competition was ?an absolute success,? and that, ?I can truly see it becoming a central St. Joe?s Prep tradition on the level of Kairos.

I cannot wait to see what other abominable horrors the freshmen of SJP will have to suffer through for generations to come!?

The Hawkeye | Friday, April 1, 2022 |

The Hawkword

Everyday | 15

Wor dsearchologist: Stephen Cain '22 Difficulty: Pre-K L evel

1. HI 2. MY 3. NAME 4. IS 5. CARMEN 6. WINSTEAD 7. I 8. AM 9. SEVENTEEN 10. YEARS 11. OLD

DI SCL AI M ER: I f you do not solve this in 5 minutes, Car men Winstead will come to your house.

I f you somehow manage to complete this challenge, you get to leave ear ly dur ing community per iod.

M r. Whelan Spotted Watching The Batman

By Nick Bedrossian ?22 With the recent successful release of Matt Reeves?s The Batman, the larger part of the Prep student body has prepared themselves for what appears to be the most faithful representation of the ?Caped Crusader? ever put on the silver screen.

However, the blockbuster?s release has also caused some members of the Prep?s film scene to hold their breath.

The reason for this hesitation is no doubt because of the Prep?s resident Scrooge: Mr. Whelan. As the chair of the English Department and head of numerous film clubs, Mr. Whelan takes it upon himself to hold opinions on everything under the sun. As one senior who refused to be named stated, ?One time I told Mr. Whelan that it was cold out, and he spent the whole period mocking everything I have ever loved.?

For these reasons, most Prep students may have made the

reasonable and educated guess that Mr. Whelan would be the last person to watch the new DC Comics superhero blockbuster epic. However, the truth is much more surprising.

The much lauded English chair was spotted at opening night for The Batman, camping out at the King of Prussia mall for the good seats. The large metroplex theater, a place which Mr. Whelan has voiced numerous disdain for in the past, had been preparing for weeks to support The Batman?s massive opening weekend, so concession stands were stuffed with streams of fans hoping to get their two liter sodas, novelty buckets of popcorn, and other limited merchandise.

It was here that seniors Jack Duffy ?22 and Matt McCabe ?22 first spotted Mr. Whelan, wearing what they would describe as a ?very crude Batman costume.? After an extensive investigation, it was found that Mr. Whelan bought a large

at me.?

While Mr. Whelan refused to address the situation when questioned, a source, who asked to remain anonymous, told The Hawkeye that he actually seemed to have thoroughly enjoyed the film. This unnamed source also stated that Whelan, ?is planning on attending the upcoming release of Spider- Man v. Dorito King 7: Return of the Hash-Slinging Slasher: his most anticipated film of the year.?

Mr. Whelan (above) was seen wearing a wildly outrageous Batman costume to put on display his extreme love of not just Batman movies, but also all types of superhero blockbusters!

bucket of popcorn, two hot dogs, a few things of candy, and an extra large soda. As Duffy put it, ?I don?t think that I ever watched someone eat more during a movie. I mean, I understand the popcorn, but two hot dogs?!?

Unfortunately, it seemed like the viewing experience for the two Preppers only got worse as the night continued. Despite

in- class claims on the importance of theater etiquette, Mr. Whelan loudly spoke throughout the entire movie, refusing to ever sit down and allow his fellow viewers the chance to actually enjoy the movie. As McCabe remembers, ?I was really looking forward to the movie, but I spent half of the time cleaning off all of the popcorn that Mr. Whelan threw

The exact reasoning behind Mr. Whelan?s sudden shift in opinions on blockbuster film is yet to be fully understood.

However, if any news on his reasoning comes out, everyone on the first floor of Villiger Hall would surely know the second the school day begins.

16 | I t's Like | Friday, April 1, 2022 | The Hawkeye

Wenger 's Tasty L icks: Hawaiian Pizza

By Andrew Wenger ?23

?That thing should not be there,? I said to myself, shivering, and, at that point, I faced a horrifying realization. It was time to consume it. I bit into it.

And from the millisecond it hit my tongue? I disdained this experience so much.

Now, after frantically looking all over God's Green Earth to find this repugnant amalgam of food, to no avail, I concocted the idea to just make it myself. So, in order to prevent a resulting calamity, I actually made everything from scratch.

That includes pizza dough as well, because the store- bought stuff is utterly worthless with its cardboard-like flavor.

Assembling all these ingredients was like a kid in the shower who combines all of their mom's soaps to make a magic potion. Now, in other words, THESE THINGS SHOULD NOT GO TOGETHER. I chopped up some spam (because apparently that's "better" to eat) and put it

(Photo: A Backyard Dumpster)

In my seventeen short years of existence, I would have never expected myself to come across food so dastardly and bilious. ?Pineapple on Pizza?

(AKA Hawaiian Pizza) is a pizza consisting of cheese, ham and pineapples. My first question is, ?Who in God's great name thought this was a good idea??

Hawaiian pizza (pictured above) is the most disgusting food known to man. I would much rather eat human fecal matter than subject myself to this "food".

aside before adding it to the pizza. I took the pizza dough that I had already put in my dough maker at home and laid it on my counter, before adding some flour to keep this beast from sticking to the counter.

Now, oddly enough, I didn?t exactly have pizza sauce lying around. However, I did have some leftover gravy from spaghetti night, so I used that as a substitute. This in hindsight, was a much better idea.

I slapped on some mozzarella cheese and a blend of whatever was in my fridge (probably Mexican blend) and sprinkled it over the sauce.

And now this is where it gets WEIRD. I took the spam and spread it out on the pizza and, following that, diced up some pineapple. I finally put the pineapple on the pizza and sent that thing to the oven, where hopefully it would just burn, I?d go ?Oops?, go to bed, and

try to forget that this fever dream ever happened.

However, after 12 excruciating minutes, the inevitable occurred. The abomination was ready. So, with that, I laid it on my cutting board and sliced it up into eight small pieces. At my first glance, my mind went, ?Oh, it's just a normal pizza with little pepperoni bits, you?ll be okay, Andrew?.

The pineapple was so sweet that it made the pizza taste like garbage. Spam is horrific in itself, and is something that I would eat only if I was in a nuclear bomb shelter. The cheese, sauce and dough, to my surprise, were good (That was sarcasm. I knew they would be good anyway.).

This pizza is a straight dumpster fire. It is without a doubt a - 6293571/10. It could be edible if spam and pineapple were not on it. But I would only eat this nightmare again if I was held against my will.

Wenger 's Wor d: -6293571/10

And that's when everything fell apart. I saw the pineapple.

Hawkeye Editor Gr id

By Us (People in Photo L isted From L eft to Right)

M ur phy Bonner

I s cereal soup? Why or why not?

What did they call the guy who killed Tony the Tiger and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun? A cereal killer (you all laugh a lot)

Stephen Cain Yes because I am a civilized individual that eats cereal with milk.

But is water wet tho?

Bobby Woltj en See, this is why the American people can't stand the news media anymore. All we do is ask pointless, thoughtless meaningless questions that

L uke Gallagher

L iam Holden

Cereal is not soup. Who is even making these questions, Steve Cain?

"Good soup." No, wait, I'm getting word from Quinn Holden '25 that a meme from September is too old.

seek to numb the mind and dull the spirit driving us further into an age where the citizens are nor longer informed

I f you were a Disney char acter, who would you be?

What secret conspir acy Will Smith saw a bug on would you like to Chris Rock's face and star t? was doing him a favor

I f someone asks you about the Prep, what would you tell them?

Go ask McCloskey it's his job

Mr. Incredible, since I am incredible (and before you get mad at me, this answer is Buzzfeed-certified)

Oh totally Donald Duck, he's my favorite.

Stitch because I got 29 stitches in my leg after being mauled by the easter bunny at age 7.

Eeyore, because I'm clinically depressed.

That birds are not working for the government and watching our every move.

The firefighters are starting all the fires to keep their jobs. Wait no I can't say that DON'T PRINT THAT.

I'm not actually a recreational drone pilot.

I actually work for the NSA and spy on you chumps for a living.

Howie Brown '99 left a life as a carnival barker to join our admissions team.

Love this place very much and wouldn't trade it away for anything. Go Explorers!

I want a lawyer. Get me Tom Johnson on the phone now.

Sup killuh. Don't buy the fries.

You'll have good days and then you'll have weekdays.

The Hawkeye | Friday, April 1, 2022 |

My iPod | 17

Playboi K ear ney To Headline Senior Prom

By Ashton Dial ?22 With Senior Prom approaching faster every day, the crunch to book a DJ and to hire catering services is more stressful than ever. This becomes obvious when, in cases like this, seemingly minor errors can slip by with major consequences: it was all too late when the St. Joseph?s Prep Student Council realized they accidentally booked a performance from teacher turned novelist turned trap artist Playboi Kearney ?06. StuCo Secretary Eamon Coffey ?22 released a statement on the issue, saying, ?Deal with it.?

Prep students are split, to say the least. Many seniors are outraged that their English teacher has donned fresh new red hair, a vampire- inspired persona, and is now expecting to assign discussion leaders on the topic of ?constructive criticism from prom.? Despite this, others are basking in the fact

tions (MLA),? ?thanks 4 ya input,? and ?Hawk3ye.? The setlist remains the same for prom: no songs from his debut LP English 101. Devout fans are disappointed.

that they get the chance to see the one and only vamp superstar perform live at their own prom. The Music Discussion Club is especially thrilled to hear that the performance may include features from two other notable Prep artists: Polo Ghee and Kravetz Scott.

Kearney?s fans around the Prep are small in number, but firm in their loyalty to the hit rapper. Xavier Edwards ?25 is especially stoked for the event. ?If Playboi Kearney has a million fans, I?m one of them,? said Edwards. ?If Playboi Kearney has one fan, that?s me.

If Playboi Kearney has no fans, I?m dead. If the world is against Playboi Kearney, I am against the world. I will love Playboi Kearney ?til my last breath.?

The prom performance itself will be a break for the rapper, as it falls right in the middle of his ?SLATT? tour (Students Learning All The Time). Kear-

Despite the backlash, St. Joe?s Prep has ultimately chosen to embrace the mistake and accept Playboi Kearney?s unorthodox style. Some say this may be harmful to Prep?s high academic and behavioral standards, but come on. It?s Playboi Kearney for God?s sake.

Playboi Kearney (above) and his upcoming performance at this year 's SJP Senior Prom has raised serious safety concerns, due to the amount of crazy mosh pits at Kearney's concerts. But, Anthony Fantano ?22, disagrees, saying, "I'm gonna give the mosh pits a strong 9 to a 10!"

ney?s setlist, which was leaked on the CollegeBoard website, consists almost entirely of

songs from his latest album That?s An Awful Lot of Red, with hit singles such as, ?Cita-

Opinion/Debate L etter to the Editor : Daniel Deeney '22 Why I Don't Suppor t the Apr il Fool's Edition The Hawkeye has never been a paragon of ethics in journalism?we can all acknowledge that. From rampant censorship to blatant propaganda, the institution?s integrity comes into question every time it publishes an issue. Once I became a section editor and had the opportunity to see how, ?the sausage gets made,? so to speak, I was appalled by the extent to which my fellow editors propagated misinformation for seemingly no reason at all.

Year after year, however, I?ve convinced myself that The Hawkeye cannot stoop so low as to print the issue most debased, most corrupt, most anathema to anyone with a sense of what is right. And year after year, I am disappointed. The issue to which I am referring, for anyone still in the dark, is the beloved April Fool?s Edition.

In the past, The Hawkeye has been awarded first place in the American Scholastic Press Association?s high school competition. A more deserving designation for the paper would be ?Biggest Threat to Democracy in High School Journalism.? Some might consider that a stretch, but spreading misinformation is a slippery slope, and the April Fool?s Edition of The Hawkeye has more misinformation than any other text I?ve come across.

First it?s lighthearted articles about Iggy or Mr. Kearney?s novel; then it?s more serious lies levied against the administration; and before you know it the paper is publishing ludicrous columns regarding the outcomes of national elections. The Hawkeye would by no means be the first paper to experience such an ignominious fall from grace, but its fall could very well have the most substantial impact on the future of our nation.

As a high school newspaper, The Hawkeye is geared towards and pursued by an audience largely composed of high school students. These readers, in turn, will grow up and become civically engaged, voting in elections and donating their money to political causes and the like. The Hawkeye will have left its indelible mark on all of these individuals, and if this mark is one defined by mendacious claims and misguided assumptions, then, in short, our democracy is in peril. This is why I do not support the April Fool?s Edition of The Hawkeye. We can poke fun at things going on in our Prep community, but not at the expense of journalistic integrity. The consequences are too dire.

Putting journalistic integrity aside, the April Fool?s Edition is not even all that funny. Digs at Blackbaud? Seriously? There is an essential banality to the stories staff writers churn out. Gone are the days when reading the April Fool?s Edition elicited any laughter or even a slight smirk. Now it feels like a chore. Yes, I get it. Something something about the renovations. Haha. I believe that we can do better. If we?re going to jeopardize the ideals of our Founding Fathers, let?s at least do it with some degree of ingenuity.

Now, some of you may accuse me of saying all this because I still harbor resentment towards The Hawkeye for not publishing my article on the music program?s contest back in December 2020. This is simply not the case. I bear no grudge against any editors, past or present. Sure, I toiled away at that article by candlelight the night before it was due, and, yes, I did spend hours conducting interviews with students and faculty members all for nothing, without so much as an explanation for why the article never made it to print, but rest assured: it?s no biggie. Even if I were a bit malcontent, I would never let my emotions interfere with my reporting. I suppose that?s what distinguishes me from the rest of the newspaper?I?ve retained my integrity through the years.

18 | Stuck On | Friday, April 1, 2022 | The Hawkeye

Sports (Photo: Ratio! How did (Photo: you get ratio'd Did YoubyRead a newspaper? the Student That's Handbook?) pretty embarrassing.)

Camma The Champion CROQUET from p. 1 Championship and its most recent winner: Mr. Gregory Camma, or AKA, ?Croquet Camma?.

How did Mr. Camma, a math teacher here at the Prep, become so infatuated with croquet? ?I like hitting things with mallets,? said Mr. Camma. ?Sometimes I try to hit my students with one of my croquet mallets in class, but then the Prep administration will stop me because it goes against their principle of ?student safety?or whatever.?

Camma began his croquet journey during the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic. It began with taking lessons from a virtual physical trainer on Zoom during quarantine. ?My physical trainer asked me what sport I would like to do with him in order to work up a sweat. He suggested sports, such as basketball or soccer, but I was completely flabbergasted that he didn?t suggest the most physically demanding sport of all: croquet. So I brought it up to him and he was too stunned to speak, obviously because of my great idea,? Camma said.

All of this training ultimately led to his competitive debut at the Philadelphia Croquet Championship. ?I showed up to Fairmount Park and asked someone where in the park the championship was. He said that, ?No one plays croquet competitively, weirdo! Get away from me, crazy old man!?, but I think that what he was really trying to say was, ?The championship was canceled because they heard how awesome you were at croquet! You?re heading to the World Croquet Championship!

You rock, Mr.

Mr. Gregory Camma, AKA "Croquet Camma", (above right) has taken the competitive croquet world by storm.

From his humble beginnings of dominating the local competition in the Philadelphia Croquet Championship to triumphing in the World Croquet Championship in spite of a hostile crowd of cavemen (I mean, New Jerseyans), he really has done it all. Except go to a Britney Spears concert. "It's [Spears concert] definitely on my bucket list," said Camma to an anonymous source affiliated with The Hawkeye.

Camma!??

After Camma?s ?victory? at Fairmount Park, it was time for him to showcase his talent at the World Croquet Championship. However, he needed to make a sudden change to his training regimen after parting ways with his longtime trainer. ?Even though I dominated the field in Philadelphia, I still wanted to level up my game.

So I tried breaking into my physical trainer?s backyard for more practice time. When he stood outside on the porch in a nightgown, I thought he was appreciating my otherworldly croquet talent. But instead he was calling the cops,? Camma said.

Camma?s days at the local correctional facility didn?t stop him from perfecting his croquet skills for the world championship, though. He ended up winning the Prison League

Croquet Championship, and ended up riding that momentum towards his date in the World Croquet Championship.

However, concerns surrounded Camma?s bid for a world title. For instance, could he handle competing in one of the most barbaric and uncivilized places known to man (New Jersey). Another concern was about his ability to read up on some of the rules of the tournament, since he can only read text if each letter is represented through the phonetic alphabet.

Regardless of these imposing obstacles, Camma persevered and came out on top. He received a ?Golden Mallet? as a trophy for his awesomeness. ?I was ecstatic when I found out that I had won a world title.

I was sitting in my house on a Wednesday afternoon, watching some Britney Spears music

sport being football instead of croquet, and the name being ?Kyle McCord? instead of ?Gregory Camma.? ?The people that made the award were Australians, meaning that they?re a year behind because of time zones. It?s also understandable that Gatorade mixed me up as a football player. I mean, look at my incredible physique. And my middle name is actually ?Kyle? and my confirmation name is actually ?McCord?,? said Camma.

Camma looks to repeat his title next year in 2023, but with a loaded field including a toddler who hasn?t learned the game yet, and a 90 year old grandma, it should be incredibly entertaining to see who comes out on top.

videos, and I received something in the mail from the International Croquet Commission. It said, ?Due to your status as a total loser who actually plays croquet competitively, here?s a participation trophy.? I took offense to this, but I?ll continue to let the haters pray on my downfall,? Camma said.

Camma then proceeded to ?prove the haters wrong? by being named Pennsylvania?s Gatorade Player of the Year for 2022. According to Camma, Gatorade saw enough in Camma?s masterclass performance at the World Croquet Championship to preemptively name the award?s recipient within the first three months of the calendar year, which is a new record.

However, when interviewing Camma, I noticed that there were some discrepancies, such as the year on the award being 2020- 21 instead of 2022, the

Football Team M isplaces Ball, Throws I ggy

By Jack Gallagher ?23

Everyone was silent in the crowd as the ?Pruppy? became airborne. When asked about his thoughts from the stands at the moment, Owen McKenna

(Photo:Dogs > Cats don't @me)

In a bizarre sequence of events, Prep Football is taking serious heat after a trick play gone wrong ended with Iggy, the school dog, flying through the air. Nobody knows exactly what went wrong, but somehow Iggy ended up wandering onto the field and into the huddle. Before Mr. Raffa could say, ?HEYYYYY!?, he was soaring through the air.

I can't believe that this happened on Iggy's birthday!

?23 said, ?I mean, all I wanted to know was, ?What da dog

doin???

Surprisingly (almost suspiciously), Iggy was able to land on his feet and display what some are calling ?cat- like reflexes?. This raises the question: IS IGGY A CAT? OR WORSE, A ROBO- DOG PROGRAMED BY LA SALLE TO INFILTRATE THE PREP?S FOOTBALL PROGRAM BECAUSE THEY STILL CAN?T BEAT US? While none of these theories are confirmed yet, what is confirmed is that Prep Football has mended the relationship with the uglier version of Air Bud by using their entire budget to

pay for a year?s worth of Iggy?s dog food. To say that the Student Council is ecstatic would be an understatement.

The Hawkeye | Friday, April 1, 2022 |

Replay-ay-ay-ay | 19

" The Rock" = " The Guy From For tnite"

By Andrew Wenger ?23

your Fortnite skin as a costume for a future match in WWE?

Ah, finally, ?The Guy From Fortnite? has come back?

Yeah? that doesn't have much of a ring to it, does it?

?Already in development.?

What fur ther involvement in pop culture would you like to engage in?

Well, it would appear that is the way things are now. Popular Fortnite skin and father of Kevin Hart, Dwayne ?The Rock? Johnson has now legally changed his name to ?The Guy From Fortnite?.

In a sit-down interview with The Guy From Fortnite himself, we, at The Hawkeye, asked this legend a copious amount of questions borne out of our own confusion.

So, M r. Guy From For tnite, why the name change? ?Well, I feel like I wasn?t really getting the recognition I deserved, ya know? I was the

After the NFL called Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson by the alias "The Guy From Fortnite" in their Super Bowl intro recap video, he knew it was time for a serious name change.

guy that wrestled and made movies with Kevin Hart and I just didn?t feel like I was up to standard. Henceforth, when I came to Fortnite, it was like I was revived.?

When you look back at your

career, what was your most outstanding achievement? ?Being in Kevin Hart movies. Have you seen that guy??

Would you consider wear ing

?I want to crash social media by implementing ?Rockcoin?, a new cryptocurrency worth millions, and, with that wealth, overtake Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos to become the richest person on the planet. By doing this, I should be able to run for President and destroy any sorry old man trying to run against me. When I get elected, I shall move to turn the United States into ?The United States of Tilted Towers? and create my empire in pursuit of global dominance.?

I ?m going to read you some lines from a song and I want you to tell me what you think of it? ?I t?s about dr ive, it's about power, we stay hungr y, we devour. Put in the wor k, put in the hour s, and take what's our s?. ?Son, you better close your mouth before The Guy From Fortnite lays the smackdown on your candy a* * !?

It appears that Mr. Fortnite didn?t appreciate that last question. Any who, I wholeheartedly believe that Mr. Fortnite will soon achieve his goals of world domination.

With eyebrows like that, who wouldn't be able to take over the planet in a day? See you all in the United States of Tilted Towers.

Russell " Westbr ick" Uses His Br icks To Build Homes For Habitat For Humanity

By Joe Clar k ?25 The Los Angeles Lakers have been nothing short of disgraceful this season. They are sitting at the 11th seed in the Western Conference with a record of 31- 44. They have fallen incredibly short of their preseason hype after signing future Hall-of-Famers Carmelo Anthony and Russell Westbrook.

Part of their season?s disappointment came from an inability to make shots. However, ?Russ? has made the most of the situation by joining Habitat For Humanity with all

Russell Westbrick (above) helping Habitat for Humanity with constructing a house made completely out of his own bricks. How generous!

the bricks he puts up every night. ?Westbrick? has missed a lot

of shots ? A LOT of shots. He has shot 43.2% this season, and 28.6% from beyond the

arc, which is the lowest since his 2009-2010 season. In midJanuary, Westbrook shot 20% during a 3 game span.

The Lakers suck right now, and I'm tired of carrying these bums,? said his teammate LeBron James.

Thankfully, he has put all these misses to good use, as he has used all of his bricks to build brick houses in LA for those in need. While it has been since 2015 that he won the NBA Community Assist Award, an award that rewards large acts of charity, Westbrook?s services are too large to go unnoticed.

Hopefully Westbrook continues to contribute his bricks to good causes, but there isn?t much he can do with his 4.1 turnovers per game.

?I love what he?s been doing for the community, but I just want some help on the court.

Prep Scoreboard Cape & Sw ord

A rt Cl ub

WSJP

3/ 2 at Leg Breakers, W 28-5

2/ 25 at Mi chelangelo, W 666-8

3/ 2 vs Joe Buck , W 1000-1

3/ 19 vs Thespi ans, W 2-1

3/ 12 at Raphael, W 20-2

3/ 8 at Al Mi chaels, L 8-69

3/ 28 vs The Tonys, L 1-5

3/ 22 vs Pi casso, T 2-2

4/ 4 vs Ji m Nantz

Ph i l osoph y Cl ub

Jazz Band

Fi sh i ng Cl ub

2/ 21 vs Ari stotle, L 0-4

3/ 5 vs Loui s Arm strong, L 42-45

2/ 21 at Shark s, W 71-56

3/ 14 at Plato, W 52-4

3/ 21 at Duke Elli ngton, W 90-18

3/ 29 vs. Whales, L 5-764

3/ 25 vs Kant, L 2-17

4/ 15 at John Coltrane

4/ 19 at Trout

I n Next Week's I ssue: L atin Teacher Discovered to be 3 Freshmen in a Trench Coat Fr ankenstein's M onster Seen Emer ging From the AP Biology L ab 23andMe Test Reveals That Tom Johnson is Dwayne " The Rock" Johnson's L ong L ost Cousin M r. K oenig '14 Wants Smoke; Breaks Pat Casey '22's Pool Recor d, Pushing Him Off of the Podium M ock Tr ial Team Defends Junior Accused of Bad Par king; Becomes Tr ial of the Centur y M r. Pinto and the M ountain Biking Team to Compete at the Wii Spor ts Resor t Olympics in Summer of 2040 I M PEACHED! President Flanagan I nter nally I mpeached by Fellow StuCo M ember s Plans to M ove September 2022 Freshman M ixer to Xfinity L ive!

AP L atin Students Accidentally Summon Demon; Fr. Bur Called to Exorcise Hallway Pr inter Ser ves as New Pr ime Napping L ocation Desks in M PR Apparently for " Ghost Students"

the Second Great Prep Fire SAGE's New Policy: Food So Nice You Pay Twice Cape and Swor d Announces New Spr ing M usical: Something!

Freshman Benches 225 lbs, Phone Died Dur ing Recor ding How to Gaslight/Gatekeep/Gir lboss: An Exper t's Guide

" Call Him M ommy" Podcast Star ted by Prep Students Rivals " Call Her Daddy" on Bar stool New Call of Duty Game The Exact Same As The L ast One, Again

Student Claims 2+2=4, How The Fur ious M ath Depar tment Responds

M icrosoft Buts Ever y Single Video Game Studio, PlayStation To Still Have Better Exclusives

SAGE Star ts Selling Caviar and Other Fancy Foods

Peacemaker Review: Where was John Cena?!

Cooking Club Takes Over SAGE Dining

Black Cat Bur ied Behind New Foyer Wall

New NFT Class at the Prep

Spider-M enace Seen Stalking the Streets of 17th and Gir ar d

Fishing Club's Remar kable Catch: Fish

Op/Ed: We Should Be Able to Give Teacher s JUG

Raffasvisuals to Sur pass Quinnsvisuals, L eads to Downfall of Student M edia I ndustr y

Op/Ed: Ever y Class Should Have a M ini Fr idge

M r. Raffa L aunches RaffaCoin, A New Cr yptocur rency

Op/Ed: L a Salle is Better Than the Prep

M r. M cGlynn Reaches 10M Follower s on TikTok

Prep For ms I nter pretive Dance Squad, Pledges to " Hit the Gr itty" Har der Than L a Salle

Student Gets Ratio'd on Blackbaud, Cr ies

M r. Avington's Dar k Secret: He Hates Pickles

New Tesla Chromebooks Cause

The Entire FNAF L ore Summar ized

M etaver se Classes at the Prep Revealed

The Joker Caught Beatboxing at the Prep, Ever yone is Befuddled

Exposed! K airos Actually a Vacation to Prep Pr ivate I sland in Bar bados

L il Uzi Ver t Retur ns to the Prep, Becomes a Teacher

Guest Speaker for Video Game Club Tyler " Ninj a" Blevins and How He I nspires Prep Students

Alumni Vote to Have Cur rent Students Conver se Only in L atin Star ting Fall 2022

Fir st Ever " Goated With The Sauce" Student at the Prep Revealed

After Hear ing I t's About Shakespeare

Amount of Prep Singles Skyrockets, Joe Bur row Steals Ever yone's Gir lfr iends WSJP To Broadcast L atin Exams

Why is Zendaya (M y Gir lfr iend) Dating This Tom Holland Guy? Alex DiGiacomo '22's Twin From Double Trouble Gets Cut From Something Rotten! After Audition Something Rotten! Cast Replaced

by English Depar tment Teacher s

Patr ick M ahomes Cast in the New Muppets M usical as K er mit James Har den's Bear d Grows Even L onger, " I think he's hiding food in there," says Embiid.