The Gettysburgian April 1, 2016

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Volume CXVIII, No. 6

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Thriday, April 1, 2016

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Student drops cup at Servo, forced to transfer

This Week’s Top Stories National Donald Trump has reportedly dropped out of the presidential race, leaving hundreds of thousands of believers in “making America great again” absolutely devestated. His campaign manager has no comment as of now. Most recently, it was reported that he would no longer support an alternative candidate if he did not win the nomination. Former candidate Ben Carson lamented the news, saying “He truly would have been a leader.

He was what America needed.”

The anonymous sophomore student is considering transferring to Dickinson College B y J ulia S ippel S taff W riter On Sunday, March 20, a sophomore student was eating brunch in the dining center when his life changed forever: he dropped his cup.

Per admission standards, he is now required to transfer schools, much to his dismay.

“I just wanted chicken and waffles,” said the visibly distraught student, who wishes to remain anonymous at this time. “I never wanted this to happen. . . . ” The student was clearing his silverware from his tray when the fatal drop occurred.

An eyewitness told The Gettysburgian: “I was waiting for my boyfriend to get some ice cream when I saw [name omitted] returning his tray. As he reached to put his silverware away, his arm hit his cup and it clattered to the floor.”

According to the reliable source Yik Yak, this is the second such incident this semester.

As long-time Bullets

This past week, a sophomore Gettysburg student dropped his cup at Servo. He has been unenrolled from the college and plans to transfer to Dickinson. already know, these offenses are taken quite seriously here at Gettysburg College.

At the sound of the drop, surrounding students and staff were silenced and

turned in its direction.

Simultaneously, the Servo Secret Service (SSS

[pronounced “Triple-S”]) arrived on the scene.

Dressed in all black, the SSS took the unnamed student to the kitchen area.

One of these masked crusaders said of his experience: “This happens from time to time. We just took the kid to the back of servo and scanned his ID. His information then goes straight to the registrar and he is immediately unenrolled.”

When asked about his future plans, the student in question was uncertain. “I might go to Dickinson. I really like Aerosmith, so I might major in Geology.”

Despite the incident, he remains positive.

“I had never thought that I would be the student to drop a Servo cup. I’d always heard horror stories but I never took them seriously enough. I guess I’m meant to be a Dickinson Red Devil and not a Gettysburg Bullet.”

Whatever his path, we wish this student luck. To the remaining Gettysburgians, a word of wisdom: do not drop your cup in Servo!.

CNAV announces it will be shutting down

Amid complaints about its functionality, CNAV announces it will be gone for good

International

This week’s “Top Stories” were compiled by Kayla Britt with information from CNN (www.cnn.com) and Project Syndicate (www. project-syndicate.org)

At a press conference this week CNAV has announced its plans to shut down amid complaints about its maintenance times and features. The news has sparked controversy on campus. antiquated to many users who are “Everyone always forgets I “This continues throughout the campus community. used to the responsive web design facilitate CNAV stalking. I don’t the day at random intervals. We “Until such time as I feel

By Jamie Welch standards of 2016. know why, my name appears in don’t know where CNAV goes all valued and respected by the people Web Manager CNAV rebukes the idea the first half of the word,” said day, but I can tell you it’s nowhere of Gettysburg College, I will be on At a press conference held that these complaints are bugs, CNAV in a rambling 14 page good,” Douglas added. strike,” it said.

Wednesday morning in West preferring instead to refer to them statement released to the GetCNAV responded to these CNAV has declined mulBuilding, a depressed and down- as features. tysburgian following the press critics at multiple points through- tiple interview requests from the trodden CNAV announced that “For far too long people conference. out its statement, at one point Gettysburgian and has reportedly it is shutting down as of April 1, have complained about my retro CNAV has faced mount- commenting that “even computer cleaned out its office ahead of the 2016 until people recognize its design and quirky menu function- ing criticism from critics in re- systems need to take a nap some- shutdown. value. ality,” CNAV told reporters, “That cent months for taking excessive times.”

The strike has caused a stir The Campus Navigation ends today.” breaks from service.

CNAV also said, “can’t around campus, with many GetPortal (CNAV) serves as an inCNAV went on to detail all “First it’s nowhere to be a website get a cup of coffee? tysburgians shocked by the news. formation gateway for members of the things it helps to coordinate found from 3:32 a.m. to 4:48 a.m. Maybe all these haters are just “I never thought it would actually of the Gettysburg College com- and manage every day, things that for ‘maintenance’, then when it projecting their own inadequacies disappear,” said one student. “Obmunity. would be lost when it shuts down finally comes back online you onto me.” viously CNAV can be annoying Each member is provided Thursday morning. better get your stalking in quickly Regardless of the reasons but how else will I find out when services and features according “If it weren’t for me, you because by 5:33 a.m. CNAV once for the hate, CNAV concluded my crush gets out of class so I can to their current relationship to the wouldn’t be able to manage your again heads out of the office to its press conference by saying run into him?” college. housing, view your transcripts, who knows where,” Roger Doug- that it has had enough with all of The system was built in the email club aliases, get your favor- las ‘17 told reporters last week at the drama and complaints, and 90’s, and as a result some of the ite daily Digests, or CNAV stalk the signing for his new National it hopes that this shutdown will functions and the design seem people.”

Enquirer exposé on CNAV. make people realize its value to

Inside This Issue

Recent scientific studies have shown that the world is, in fact, flat as a pancake. The Research Institute of Scientific Pursuits, or (RISP) for short, conducted a study in which scientists looked straight out over the ocean toward the horizon.

“It’s just so clearly flat,” said Emily Scrumbenburger, PhD. “I don’t know how we did it before. Doh!” The scientists also went through the trouble of getting up in a plane and looking down, once again revealing the extreme flatness of the earth.

“We were so stupid. We thought we could play God.... what have we done.

What. Have. We. Done.”

Tour Guide to Parents: Greek Life “not that prevalent”, pg. 2

Increased squirrel aggression, pg. 3

Top Ten Secrets of Gettysburg College, pg. 5

Obama offers new “Good ‘nough” program, pg. 6

Whack-aGettysburg sports teams mole on the lacrosse renamed, field, pg. 6 pg. 6

THE GETTYSBURGIAN

NEWS

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Report: easier to pass Organic than find a seat in Servo at lunch A study in the Journal of Applied Statistics has statistical evidence to support the finding B y J amie W elch W eb M anager

According to new research published Tuesday in the Journal of Applied Statistics, it is now easier to pass Organic Chemistry than to find a seat in Servo at lunchtime.

“Our research has found that the marginal benefits of one extra unit of effort in Organic Chemistry have now exceeded the marginal benefits of an identical increase of effort in finding a seat in Servo,” the report reads in part.

“You would be much more likely to succeed in any task you choose that is not finding a seat in Servo,” it continued.

According to the report, things more likely to happen than finding a seat in Servo include being struck by lightning, winning the PowerBall, being bitten by a shark, and being elected President.

The report offered several tips to maximize your chances of finding a seat.

It states that your chances of finding a seat increase by 50% if you are willing to throw your tray down at any empty space regardless of who’s sitting there.

This method is not

ideal and can lead to some awkward situations, so several clever entrepreneurs have reportedly begun capitalizing on the limited supply of tables by claiming tables late in the breakfast hours and then selling them to hungry students as the busy lunch rush begins.

These so-called “table scalpers” have reportedly made quite a fortune by selling you the very tables you already paid for.

Many students told reporters that there is often no alternative to the table scalpers and they are forced to pay whatever ex orbitant price they decide to sell the table for.

“They asked me if I wanted to argue about the price, or get to eat before I starved,” one student commented. He added, “I was so hungry that I just shelled out the $15 so I could shove some food into me before my next class.”

“We’ve got ‘em right where we want them,” a table scalper commented, “they will pay anything to get to eat their food in a seat.”

Organic Chemistry students celebrated the news by suddenly realizing that Organic Chemistry did seem like a cakewalk

A report in the Journal of Applied Statistics determined it is statistically more likely for a Gettysburg student to pass Organic Chemistry than to find a seat in Servo at lunchtime. compared to the struggle esca Flores ‘19. a p p l y t o e a t i n g b r e a k f a s t coming from their morning of finding a seat in Servo.

T h e r e p o r t a l s o i n - and dinner at Servo, and classes is already starting “ I d i d n ’ t t h i n k t h a t d i c a t e d t h e s e c o n d l e a s t what time to go to optimize t o l e a v e , a n d i t ’ s r i g h t b e Organic Chemistry could likely place to find a seat y o u r c h a n c e s o f f i n d i n g fore students come in for be made to seem trivial, during the lunch hour is seats.

LiteFare.” but the stress and strug- T h e J u n c t i o n a s p e o p l e “Although the study One student reported gles of the seating situa- give up on Servo in favor i s n ’ t c o m p l e t e , i t l o o k s t h a t s h e a p p r e c i a t e s t h e tion in Servo at lunchtime of the Bullet Hole. like around 1:13 p.m. is study findings. “It really has made stereochemistry A f o l l o w - u p s t u d y ideal,” said one of the re- validates my struggle and seem as easy as tying my will be done to determine searchers off the record. makes me feel like others s h o e s , ” c o m m e n t e d F r a n c - w h e t h e r t h e r e s u l t s a l s o “The first wave of students a r e i n t h e s a m e b o a t . ”

Weird News of the Week

By Kayla Britt News Editor Rhode Island or Iceland?

A Rhode Island tourism video is going viral after it included a short clip featuring someone skateboarding in Reykjavik, the capital of Iceland. The chief marketing officer reportedly was “trying to fill a little gap of time.” The clip was part of a tourism campain to increase Rhode Island’s tourism industry.

Peepin “Megatoad,” the competitive eater, posted a video to YouTube of him consuming 200 Peeps in under fifteen minutes, a crazy record even by his own standards- he cut his time in half. He has also accomplished eating a five-pound burrito, 182 slices of bacon and seven Shamrock Shakes from McDonald’s.

Tour Guide ‘really excited’ about Gettysburg, assures parents Greek Life ‘not that prevalent’ B y J amie W elch W eb M anager

Parents and prospective students alike confirmed to reporters Tuesday that they were “very impressed” with the tour of campus, offered by the Office of Admissions that started at 11:02am on March 29.

Veteran tour guide Rob Schaeffer ‘16 was responsible for showing the guests around campus, and all who were on the tour agreed that his enthusiasm and dedication to the school really stood out.

“He only had the nicest things to say about Gettysburg College,” said prospective member of the Class of 2020 Vanessa Beaver.

She added, “I’m not sure I’ve ever seen someone quite so excited about anything before.”

Vanessa’s mother Rhonda Beaver commented that she was most impressed with Schaeffer’s ability to recall random facts such as the year that Glatfelter Hall was constructed, the exact number of steps to the front entrance

of Pennsylvania Hall, and the extremely low percentage of students in Greek Life, which she assured reporters was not fabricated in any way.

“He just seemed so trustworthy, I’m sure he wouldn’t give me misleading information,” Rhonda commented, “He had an honest face.”

“Greek Life is not a big deal here,” Schaeffer reportedly told the tour group, “There are so many other things going on on campus every weekend for those who don’t want to party. I can’t even name them all.”

Schaeffer, who is a member of Phi Delta Delta fraternity, shared that his Greek organization rarely parties.

“We’re really focused on the community service and philanthropy more than anything else. I know it says on Yik Yak that we have keggers every night of the week, but don’t believe the negative stereotypes,” he added.

Commenting on the amazing variety of activities

available in town, Schaeffer said, “There is literally so much to do in the town. I’m pretty sure that there is less to do in Manhattan on a Saturday night than there is here on an average Tuesday.”

Other tour group members were impressed with Schaeffer’s club participation record.

“He told us he was in, like, 60 clubs,” one student commented. “I’m sure he’s definitely not lying about his involvement on campus.”

“I didn’t think it was possible to be involved in both Football and Cross Country while also triple majoring in Chemistry, English, and Physics, but this kid has managed to do it,” father of two Dennis Carper said, “he’s a real straight shooter.”

At press time Schaeffer was fielding the fifth question about underage drinking on campus from a concerned parent. “It doesn’t happen,” Schaeffer replied matter of factly, with murmurs of satisfaction emanating from all parents present.

Senate Update March 28, 2016

By Brooke Gutschick Student Senate Secretary Student Senate Bullet Points

•

Senate hosted a discussion about how it can improve Student

Senate for next year, but was interrupted by a flash mob •

College Democrats was allotted $87,000

•

China Culture Club was allotted $703

•

National Society of Leadership and Success was allotted

$360,000 •

Gettysburg Anti-Squirrel Collective was re-recognized

•

Coffee Lovers Club was re-recognized

Students are no longer welcome to attend the weekly meetings of the Student Senate Mondays at 7 p.m. in CUB 260.

Gettysburg College Word Search!

Word Bank Good grades Bullet Hole

Breidenbaugh

The Gettysburgian

Glatfelter

Word Search

Mr. Gettysburgian

JMR Gettysburg

Abe

Please find me help please

Lincoln

The Commons Weidensall

THE GETTYSBURGIAN

FEATURES Springing into shape Does celery burn calories?

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B y M eredith C ox H ealth & W ellness C olumnist

Spring is the perfect time to stay inside -- immobile and inactive.

Who wants to be outside in the fresh air, warm sun, and light breezes? Not me.

I want to stay planted right in front of my television, sitting on my couch with snacks all day long.

If you are with me and want to have the most productive spring season yet, keep reading.

Get at least ten hours of couch time every day. You paid a lot of money for your furniture, so use it! Sit, lie and relax on your couch. It is probably best that you do not get up all day.

Be sure to bring everything you need with you for the day to the couch so you can experience as little movement as possible.

Getting up and down from the couch may cause you to use your quad and

calf muscles, which could result in cramping. It may feel like a full-time job at first, but if you stay committed, you can learn to love this sedentary lifestyle.

Make sure you eat every half hour. Even if you do not feel hungry, you need to eat. Your body does not know when you are satiated. Do not listen to hunger cues.

Instead, avoid feeling hungry at all times. You can always feel full by constantly snacking between meals, indulging in dessert after lunch and dinner, and enjoying a daily midnight snack.

No one likes to be hungry, so instead, make sure you are always stuffed to the brim!

When your pants get too small, you will have a great excuse to start a new wardrobe.

Load up on trans fats.

There is a reason that deep fried foods, creamy milk shakes, and store bought

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Thriday, April 1, 2016

pastries taste so good. They are full of trans fats, which make you feel full and happy.

It is important to remain happy, so make sure to get trans fats at every meal.

Avoid checking your cho lesterol levels, as trans fats may increase the “bad” cholesterol your doctor is always talking about.

Here, ignorance is bliss.

This is the year you can have the best spring yet.

As you spend more time on the couch, watching television, continuously snacking, you will build an incredible relationship with yourself, completely ignoring the outside world.

Physical activity has been shown to cause injury, so it is best to avoid it at all costs. Relax and recharge!

There is no shortage of better-tasting vegetables you could choose over this. Why do people do this to themselves?

By Ari Snaevarsson Features Editor

You could eat healthy, but you could also eat food that actually tastes good.

Increased squirrel aggression on campus

By Ari Snaevarsson Features Editor

Due to the increased aggression of the squirrels on Gettysburg College campus, the administration has made an official announcement that a squirrelologists will be called in to remedy the situation.

Discussion has, of course, been circulating among the student body over whether or not this would happen. We can all take a long sigh of relief.

“This is preposterous!” claims squirrel enthusiast Annika Jensen ’18. “I know the school is hiding something from us, and I intend to get to the bottom of this,” she continues.

Similar sentiments can be heard around campus, as this announcement was not universally appreciated.

What will these “squirrelologists” (if we can even be sure this is a real title) be doing exactly? Time can only tell.

For the time being, we

know a series of experiments will begin to take place in the Science Center within the next few months.

Professors in the science departments could not be reached for interviews, adding further to the confusing nature of the matter.

Whatever the case, the squirrel aggression has gotten out of hand. Reports of rabid squirrel attacks have far exceeded the limit of two per semester, and so far nothing has been done.

Faculty, students, and parents alike may rest easy knowing some sort of effort is being taken to fix the issue.

An anonymous source has claimed to have insight on the matter, although the validity of these claims cannot be confirmed. As it stands, the source reports to have heard rabid squirrel screams coming from the growth rooms in the Science Center.

Upon my own independent research on these

Photo courtesy of Diane Main

“squirrelologists,” all I could find was one tonguein-cheek squirrel fan page, proving to be of absolutely no help.

This clearly raises concerns in the validity of what the school has told us, but some students have proposed conspiracy theories about what might actually be happening.

Some say the recent increase in tuition charges may speak to the enormous amount of money required to conduct experiments aimed at creating “super-squirrels.”

This “super-squirrel” theory has been backed up by speculation regarding whether the recent increase in aggression in the squirrel community has spiked because of the administration, possibly pointing to the idea that these squirrels are the byproducts of such experiments.

Interested in writing for Features?

E-mail Ari at

snaear01@gettysburg.edu

NEGATIVE CALORIES??

It seems to me more people are used to hearing the sound bite “chewing celery burns calories” than that other one that goes “eating less and exercising more burns calories.” And so, I would like to dedicate this article to this one topic, which, for one reason or another, fires me up more than most issues in the field of nutrition (and that includes the rising rate of obesity and Type 2 diabetes).

Tempting as it is to give a simple answer to this seemingly simple question, I would prefer to tackle this from a different standpoint so that the takeaway can be crystal-clear. Let us begin by examining the nutritional profile of celery.

Celery’s nutritional profile In one medium stalk of celery (roughly 40g), there is: 0g of fat, 1g of protein, and 3g of carbohydrates, bringing us to a whopping grand total of 16 calories.

Granted, the carbohydrate make-up is roughly 2g of dietary fiber, and, because I do not feel like getting into the nuances, I will leave it

at 12 to 16 calories. So it is somewhere in that range. I know I just threw a lot out at once, but are we all on the same page? Good, let us proceed.

The math (bear with me here) How many calories would one burn in chewing said stalk? Well, I am going to make the bold assumption that it would not take more than 12 nice bites to finish it.

Actually, after writing that sentence, I decided this issue is too important to leave to estimations, so I took it upon myself to buy a veggie cup from Bullet Hole and conduct a test run. I was wrong.

It took me 15 bites.

Lucky for us, the Mayo Clinic apparently conducted research telling us we expend approximately 11 calories in an hour of gum-chewing. As it stands (and yes, I had to chew a second stalk of celery to arrive at this number), it takes me around 20 seconds to chew the entire medium stalk. I chewed slow to give proponents of the “negative calorie” theory the benefit of the doubt. 11 calories in an hour comes to about 3.67 calories in 20 seconds.

So I expended about 3.67 calories chewing 12 to 16 calories’ worth of celery.

That comes to a difference

of 8.33 to 12.33 calories, and since there were more calories in the celery than were expended chewing it (this is an important point), I ended up consuming a net total of 8.33 to 12.33 calories. There was a net gain of calories.

In closing…

Let us review what we have learned today. A medium stalk of celery pro vides us with 12-16 calories.

Chewing said stalk takes about 20 seconds. According to research, that equates to about 3.67 calories. The difference between the two is a net gain of 8.33 to 12.33, meaning 8.33 to 12.33 calories were consumed.

Celery is low in calories, correct. But, all variables considered, you will not burn more calories eating it than you consume.

This is a hard concept to grasp, but the only way you will burn calories is through a caloric deficit, exercise, or a combination of the two.

Happy April 1st, all!

Students of Gettysburg Jake “Man Bun” Ryave, Class of 2017, Psychology, and Pre-Vet B y D aniella S nyder S taff W riter

Aspires to someday because a certified “animal whisperer” and practice animal therapy through the world of theater “My proudest moment at Gettysburg College... one time I was in Servo for lunch with my friends, and I dropped my cup on two separate occasions. By the third time I dropped my cup, Sue the Servo lady threatened to kick me out of Servo if I didn’t stop goofing off.”

The aspiring “animal whisperer” in the flesh.

THE GETTYSBURGIAN

Advertisements Thriday, April 1, 2016

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invites you to an evening filled with

Healthy Eating & Holistic Healing April 5th at 5:00pm The event begins at 3pm in the Jaeger Center and then make its way to the Dining Hall.

Save t h e Y D o u d on ate to m ’t want i s s it!

There will be Giveaways and Fresh Organic Food from our local CSA Everblossom Farms!

Vendors with Information about Acupuncture, Meditation, and More!

And check out the Bison Burger we’ll be serving!

THE GETTYSBURGIAN

OPINIONS Page 5

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Note: The opinions published in this section are those of the individual writers and are in no way representative of the views of The Gettysburgian staff, The Gettysburgian or Gettysburg College.

President Obama plans Ten Secrets Gettysburg t o i n s t i t u t e n e w “ G o o d Doesn’t Want You Knowing #7 WILL SHOCK YOU! Like literally, it will shock ‘Nough” Program you, like, when you rub a balloon on your head

By Josh Wagner Political Expert

Repeated claims that America is no longer great led President Obama to put forth a new legislative agenda for the remainder of his term.

Fearful that Americans would question his legacy, his ambitious agenda will focus on branding America’s current state of affairs. The president was quoted saying, “Folks, I don’t really understand what the problem is. Unemployment’s down, healthcare’s up, and we’re doing better than before. That’s why the country needs the Good ‘Nough Program” Most of the proposed legislation focuses on tax credits. Smiling, laughing, and gesturing with an ostensibly vertical thumb would nominally reduce one’s taxes under this proposed program.

Saying: “America’s pretty great” waives one’s fee to the Smithsonian Museum of American History. The NSA has guaranteed that doing any of these actions in front of a laptop or cell-phone will be registered within three business days. Despite resistance from Apple, even iPhones will be functional for the Good ‘Nough program.

Good ‘Nough also promises loan forgiveness for optimistic college students.

These measures have reined in the support of young voters back to the Democratic establishment. Bernie Sanders was recently found in an empty auditorium muttering to himself: “I had a bird! Symbolism! Our only hope! Top

tenth of one percent! Free education!” Hilary Clinton claimed immediate support for the program: “America needs a smile on every face, and me in the Oval Office. [fake laughter]” Donald Trump had this to say: “Good ‘Nough! When has America ever settled for Good ‘Nough? Good ‘Nough! We don’t settle for Good ‘Nough. I’ll tell you about Good ‘Nough! It’s bad.

When I see a bad program I say: ‘It’s bad.’ So, I’m gonna say it. It’s bad.” Trump continued to repeat himself until his fans’ cheering drowned out his hysterical Dick-andJane style monologue.

Republican-establishment leaders are reeling at Barack Obama’s program.

Congressmen are forced to choose between Barack Obama’s agenda and Donald Trump’s “Make America Great Again” dogma. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell had these regrets: “I feel like a turtle on its back.

I can’t decide who I support less.” McConnell later acquiesced, “As you can imagine, I usually feel like turtle, just not on my back.”

Ted Cruz, a major member of the opposition, had this to say: “American’s should not be forced to smile. Growing up, my parents never smiled, so I can’t even do it right.” He then attempted to curve the ends of his mouth upward to the horror of the reporters present.

Chris Christie said to reporters Tuesday: “Donald doesn’t let me smile now.”

Ben Carson later confirmed

this sentiment with a nod.

Apparently, his speaking privileges had been revoked.

President Obama requested that presidential candidate Vermin Supreme join the Good ‘Nough program.

Supreme’s interest in a sea of shining smiles resonated with the president’s plan.

Here is a brief look at Vermin Supreme’s vision, “Gingivitis has been eroding the gum line of this great nation long enough, and it must be stopped. For too long this country has been suffering a great moral and oral decay — in spirit and incisors. A country’s future depends on its ability to bite back. We can no longer be a nation indentured. Our very salivation is at stake. Together we must brace ourselves as we cross over to the bridgework into the 23rd century. Let us bite the bullet and together make America a sea of shining smiles, from sea to shiny sea.”

Vermin’s first order of business is to open the Statue of Liberty’s mouth and insert a large gleaming set of copper teeth. “And mark my words America, these teeth will not be left to gather oxidation.

The Statue of Liberty’s smile will gleam for the same reason America’s teeth will gleam: twice daily brushing!”

With support from establishment Democrats and Republicans, there is little question that this program will fail to pass the House and Senate.

Nevertheless, if signed into law by the President, Americans will discover that America is good ‘nough.

How to successfully cope with end of semester stress

Source: Stolen from a student’s Instagram BONUS FACT: Gettysburg’s famous sunsets are actually a result of years of releasing chemincals into the air. So far the chemincals have created prettier sunsets in the sky and a strong desire to print pictures of sunsets in black and white in the Gettysburgian staff cation. You were accepted by its name because it is the litBy Brendan Raleigh mistake and everyone is just eral attic of Doris and Hubert Conspirator-in-Chief too embarrassed to tell you.

Parson, an elderly couple 1. Most people as4. If you rearrange all who live in West Building s u m e G e t t y s b u r g C o l l e g e of the letters of the college’s and often get slightly rattled was named after its current G r e e k o r g a n i z a t i o n s i n a when the “rowdy kids” of president and founder, Janet certain order, they spell out Gettysburg College disturb Morgan Riggettysburg. But “JMR IS KOOL LOL” and their peace every weekend. would it shock you to find then make a thumbs-up sym- Seriously, Doris just wants to out that Gettysburg College bol with the remaining letters. finish one more Nora Roberts is actually named after the This message is also visible novel. Please. Just once. For town of Gettysburg, the place from outer space.

Doris. where the college is currently 5. Every Friday at 2 9. [INFORMATION placed? a.m., Jeff hands out free hot- REDACTED] 2. In the same vein, the dogs in Constitution Parking 10. The college’s curcollege’s role in the Battle of Lot. The administration has rent Alma Mater song, written Gettysburg has been severely been working especially hard in 1922, was originally set to downplayed. In 1863, the col- to keep this one under wraps, the beat of Eminem’s 2002 hit lege participated directly in but the secret is out and Jeff song “Lose Yourself.” After the battle and it singlehand- will have to answer for his the famous rapper threatened edly killed thirteen soldiers crimes. the college with a lawsuit, – nine confederates and four 6. Servo cookies were the tune was changed to its Union soldiers – so as to avoid discontinued eons ago and current beat, which is a blabeing “on the wrong side of everyone has just been eat- tant copy of the song “Candy history.” The college almost ing the last few leftovers ever Shop” by 50 Cent. The colnever talks about its dark since. lege’s official stance on the past nowadays, but, on rare 7 . T h e m a j o r “ M a t h- similarities between the Alma occasions, it has been known e m a t i c a l E c o n o m i c s ” w a s Mater and the 50 Cent song is to regale passers-by with its given the abbreviation “ME” that it is “just an homage, bro. complex, contradictory and because the college admin- Artists get inspiration from utterly violent history with istration believes that the each other all the time and the Civil War. students of this major are by this is like a throwback kind 3 . T h e c o l l e g e n e v e r far the most selfish. of thing. No disrespect. Also, actually looked at your appli8. “The Attic” was given fair use, man.”

The many, real problems with the Gettysburgian’s April Fools Day issue

By Jack Gentes and Alex Grun Professional Reporters

Watch ten episodes of your favorite show on Netflix - that defines helps get rid of stress! (Photo Courtesy of Vic’s Movie Den) looking at the sheet, this is

By Dean DeLucia called being “efficient”.

Not a Doctor Once it is stuck in your As the year is coming to brain, go get something to eat an end, we are all crammed at Servo. Talking to friends with work, tests and trying to and eating a good meal will spend the most time with our help you realize how much friends before we head home. you are procrastinating. Head With all of these responsi- back to your room and get bilities you must be feeling ready to get the work done. q u i t e s t r e s s e d . B u t d o n ’ t In order to feel good about worry, there is no reason to yourself you should probably be stressed anymore! get your laundry done so you The first step is to make can have a nice clean start to sure you write down every- the day. While you’re sitting thing you have to do for that around during the time interday, or week. Once you have vals of the washer and dryer, mapped out the amount of you should know that is not hours it will take you for each enough time to sit down and activity, you must then pri- do work. While you wait you oritize. Make sure you under- should probably watch some stand the importance of each TV, text some friends, or if thing cause if not that could it’s a nice day out just sit really mess up your schedule. outside and work on your tan.

After it is all written out you When the laundry comes out should stare at the paper for a you should definitely fold it, good 30 minutes so you have which will take 15-20 minutes the schedule memorized. If depending on the amount of you have it memorized then laundry you have. you don’t need to waste time Now, obviously you’re

productivity, and productivity pretty tired from all that folding so now its time for you to take a nap. Make sure it’s at least an hour long but you can always go longer than that.

After your nap its time for Servo again and you need to eat some dinner. In order to continue this stress free day you should head on back after dinner and take a nice warm shower so you can feel ready to hit the books. Now you’re probably thinking to yourself that you have a lot more work than you realized, but since your day has already been so productive, you can put it off until tomorrow. Keep in mind that finals are about a month away, but don’t keep it in mind too much. Worrying gives you wrinkles and between all your laundry and Netflix you definitely don’t have time to apply anti-wrinkle cream. Congratulations, you have officially coped with stress!

It is a longstanding tradition here at The Gettysburgian to produce an “April Fools’ Day” edition of the newspaper around April 1st.

Every year, people get a good chuckle out of the silly fake news reports or stories about odd things going on around the school. While these stories are made in jest, people do not often realize the chaos they can cause. As one of The Gettysburgian’s newest crack team of reporters, the two of us took it upon ourselves to expose the fallout caused every year by this “harmless” tradition.

We first spoke with an alumni of Gettysburg over the phone, who wished to stay anonymous. During her junior year at the Burg, she read in the April Fools edition of the newspaper that her dorm was going to be closed for a week to fumigate it, as there was an infestation of deadly centipedes in the building. Due to this false claim, the student said she had to “...walk all the way over to res life to ask

them about the fumigation.”

Obviously, this poor student did not realize it was April Fools’ Day. When she arrived at res life, they told her the whole story was a hoax. The two of us were shocked by the undue stress this student was put under, asking about how furious and disappointed she was about the “joke.” She responded by saying, “It really didn’t bother me at all. I

very outgoing students on this issue. A student who wished to only go by Jack told us that, “The April Fools’ Day edition has ruined my entire college career...I failed a class last year because of it.” Another student who wished to only go by Alex could not even express in words how adversely the April Fools’ Day edition has affected him. He simply broke down in tears. We were shocked by these testimonies, but we must also mention that these two students we met on the street were quite handsome.

Is it really worth ruining lives for a few chuckles?

These reporters think not. The April Fools’ Day edition of The Gettysburgian has done enough harm to the students of this campus. In protest of the April Fools’ Day edition we decided to expose the truth, to break the trend of “joke” articles, and write a serious article in order to keep this campus respectable.

We truly hope that our efforts go unnoticed.

“While these stories are made in jest, people do not often realize the chaos they can cause.” thought it was pretty funny.

So can you guys leave me alone now?” After this, she promptly hung up. Clearly, she is still traumatized by this event and wished not to speak about it.

As tireless reporters, the two of us were not satisfied by this singular interview. We took our efforts to the streets, asking current students about their experiences with the April Fools’ Day edition of the newspaper. While no one really cared about our cause, we managed to talk to two

THE GETTYSBURGIAN

SPORTS

Page 6

Bullet Shot: Athlete of

Athlete of the Week the Week

Senior Wesley Craft, photo courtesy of David Sinclair.

B y J acob V erner S taff W riter This week’s Athlete of the Week honor goes to senior tennis star, Wesley Craft.

Craft, team captain and key member of the Gettysburg College men’s tennis team, was recently invited to take his talents to the ATP World Tour of Tennis.

Unfortunately for the Bullets, Craft will have to drop out of school and move down to Florida to train for the professional tour.

Craft will be working with Andre Agassi, one of the all time American tennis greats.

Having recently clocked his serve at 160 miles per hour and dethroning the great American tennis player Andy Roddick for the world’s fastest serve, Craft looks to ace his way to the top of the game.

Craft’s serve and his style of play make him well-suited to compete on the grass courts at the Wimbledon Championship. Craft is specifically looking forward to using his fastball serve to beat Novak Djokovic, Serbian and number one ranked player in the world, when the two meet up at Wimbledon this summer in London.

Craft poses a level of confidence that will help him when he faces the likes of Spain’s Rafael Nadal (ranked number five in the world), England’s Andy Murray (ranked number two) and Switzerland’s Roger Federer (ranked number three).

Craft’s presence on the Gettysburg men’s team will certainly be missed but we in the Gettysburg community will be pulling for him this summer during his international competitions.

♦

Thriday, April 1, 2016

Athletic Department unveils Gburg Spitballs Gettysburg College prepares to discharge Bullets as sports teams nickname

B y B ethany H oltz S ports E ditor In a nod to political correctness, the Gettysburg College Athletic Department announced this week it is holstering “Bullets” as the nickname for its sports teams.

Beginning with the 2016 fall semester Gettysburg College’s twenty-four varsity sports teams will be called “Spitballs.”

“The nickname committee shot down several nongun violence options such as Paintballs, Rubber Bullets, and Blanks before sticking on Spit Balls,” said a member of the nickname selection committee.

The college administration, always ahead of potential controversy, issued a prepared statement: “Our goal with the sports nickname change is to disarm critics of Gettysburg College before we are criticized.”

In recent years several colleges have abandoned offensive or controversial nicknames, logos and mascots, such as Dartmouth College’s Keggy the Keg mascot, and Elon University in North Carolina formerly known as the Fighting Christians.

Not everyone is thrilled with the nickname change.

Pitchers for the men’s baseball team expressed concern, pointing out that a spitball is an illegal pitch.

Several students have also joined the debate, arguing that this nickname change

Photo courtesy of GCC&M

A preview of the new Gettysburg College logo featuring the new school nickname, Spitballs. is not needed and that the proposed nickname is “ridiculous.”

Senior sports fan and former sports editor Lauren Perry said, “I don’t understand why they are making this change. It’s literally the most pointless thing I have ever heard. No one has complained and who wants to be a fan of the Spitballs!”

Environmental Studies professor Sarah Principato added that the new nickname promotes the blatant waste of paper. Professor Principato said, “I think it’s really nice that they are going with a less

violent nickname but the name Spitball encourages the waste of paper. How many fans will now make spitballs at games?

It would be much better if we promoted the recycling of paper.”

The nickname change has also drawn national attention. The National Rifle Association took aim at the college’s decision to drop “Bullets” as team nickname by firing off the following statement: “This is an affront to Second Amendment rights by a bunch of liberal arts liberals. It is an unconscionable act by an institution situated

on historic hallowed ground where so many bullets helped to spill rivers of blood.”

Not everyone is against the nickname change, though.

Sophomore Daniella Synder, who is known to shoot spitballs throughout the library, said, “I think this is great man!

Now, maybe I won’t get in trouble for shooting spitballs all over the library. I’ll just say I’m showing my school spirit.

Heck, maybe I can get away with this in class now!”

Regardless of campus controversy, the college is moving forward with its nickname change.

In a related move the college announced the Bullet Hole will adopt the name Spitball Wad. When told of the new name for the popular campus eatery senior sorority sister Amelia Graham remarked, “Eewww. Who wants to eat at a place called Spit? That’s just gross.”

Senior health-science major Carolyn Marcello added a health perspective to the discussion. Marcello said, “Food and spit shouldn’t really go together. Spitballs will definitely contain people’s germs. Think about flue season! Who wants to be at a sports game when some crazy, flue-infected fan shoots a dripping spitball right your way?”

The CUB Bookstore is also trying to get in on the issue, seeing a profit opportunity in the nickname change. Store management has ordered a case of blue straws along with reams of orange paper to bolster souvenir sales during Get Acquainted Weekend.

It appears that this issue will be remain a topic of contention on campus for some time.

The Gettysburgian advises all students to duck incoming spitballs from excited fans showing their school spirit for this new nickname.

Be sure to go out and show your Bullet pride for the remainder of the year before the nickname change takes effect!

Whack-a-mole on the men’s lacrosse field Gettysburg defeats Haverford College despite unusual mid-game alien mole invasion B y M eredith T ombs S taff W riter The Gettysburg Bullets defeated Haverford College in a decisive 12-4 victory this past Saturday, boosting their overall record to 5-2.

The Bullets took a strong 6-0 lead over the Fords, with first-year Blake Gray and senior Mike Distler emerging as leading offensive contributors.

Just as Gray snagged his fifth goal of the game, putting Gettysburg up 10-1 in the third quarter, there was a disturbance to the game.

A small aircraft, still unidentified by NASA, landed in the end zone of the turf field at a rapid speed, immediately burying itself. Seconds later, scores of what appeared to be moles began popping up at various intervals through the turf field, making an obvious journey toward the opposite end zone.

Players on both sides began whacking the moles with their lacrosse sticks, not knowing what other course of action to take. Teammates from both benches contributed to the showdown by emptying the practice bags and pegging lacrosse balls at the invading creatures, as a way to scare them off.

It was pure chaos. Of-

ficials stood dumbfounded while the announcer gave a play-by-play of the ensuing action.

“There were balls and shafts flying everywhere for a few minutes,” said a spectator.

“It was really the most exciting display of athleticism Haverford College has displayed this whole season.”

The rodents seemed unconcerned by the sticks and balls attacking them. After their deliberate journey from one end of the field to the other, the moles stopped popping up through the turf and simply disappeared from sight.

The aircraft exited the scene in a hurry from the opposite end zone. It is assumed that the potentially mutated moles were on board during the departure. No DNA has been reportedly discovered in connection with the invading rodents.

The lacrosse competition was quickly moved to the grass field on the opposite end of the athletic complex, where the game was resumed.

The Bullets seemed slightly fazed by the strange turn of events, and Harverford was able to put up a bit stronger of a showing for the remainder of the game.

Gettysburg came out on top,

This week in Gettysburg College spring sports: Friday, April 1: Women’s Lacrosse vs. U.S. Women’s National Team- 1:30 p.m.

Men’s Baseball vs New York Yankees- 10:00 p.m.

Saturday, April 2: Men’s Golf vs. Tiger Woods at Puerto Rico Open- 5:30 a.m.

Women’s Tennis at Wimbledon- 12:00 p.m.

Men’s and Women’s Track and Field vs. U.S. Olympic Team- 1:00 p.m.

Softball vs. Houston Scrap Yard Dawgs- 3:00 p.m.

Baesball vs. Baltimore Orioles- 8:00 p.m.

Men’s Lacrosse vs. Denver Outlaws- 8:00 p.m.

Sunday, April 3: Men’s Lacrosse vs. Rochester Rattlers- 6:00 a.m.

Softball vs. Chicago Bandits-1:00 p.m.

Men’s Tennis Round Robbin Tournaments vs. Rafael Nadal, Andy Murray, and Roger Federer- 3:00 p.m.

Photo courtesy of David Sinclair,GCC&M

Senior Geoff Davis flings alien moles during Saturday’s chaotic mid-game invasion. however, knocking the Fords down to .500 with an eventual victory.

Haverford Campus Safety Patrol is currently working with the Haverford Borough Police and NASA to address the situation and take further action. The Maintenance Department of Haverford College has since confirmed the integrity of Walton Athletic Stadium, deeming it safe for athletic competitions.

The turf structure was originally thought to be compromised by the invasion of the rodents this past Saturday.

However, it was returned to its original state upon the departure of the unidentified

flying object at approximately 2:44pm, as confirmed by the Safety Patrol and local police.

Division III athletic officials nationwide have been alerted of the strange events.

Players, coaches, and officials will be briefed prior to all Division III sports being played on the East Coast for the remainder of the 2016 season.

Recommended action pamphlets will be provided for all spectators at athletic competitions. Athletes and coaches will also be required to undergo specialty training sessions provided by the Athletic Branch of the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation.

While another visit seems unlikely, there is no way to definitively determine the dissuasion of alien objects and creatures from invading the game at Shirk Stadium on Saturday, April 2, where Gettysburg will take on Muhlenberg College at 3:00pm. The Mules hold a 3-6 overall record for their 2016 season.

Fans, friends, and family are all invited to cheer on the Bullets this upcoming Saturday. Additionally, spectators are encouraged to bring their own mallet-esque objects in the event of another mole invasion - it seems the team could use as much help as possible in such a situation.

Don’t miss this week’s special sports clinic!

The Chemistry of Getting Ahead

Presented by guest lecturers

Barry Bonds and Maria Sharapova Saturday, April 2 1:00 p.m.

Bream Gymnasium