Vol. 420, Iss. 69 | Monday, April 1, 2019
The Fat Head “Democracy Dies in Blackout”
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WHODUNNIT?
SMUG ASSHOLES
Boylan filibusters SA with his fiddle
Senate remains inefficient as usual as old boys reign
Ladies of Alpha linked to Griffin statue castration
SILENT MAJORITY SARAH SICK AND TIRED SA REPORTER
In a particularly robust meeting, Student Assembly President Brendan “Irish” Boylan ’19 broke out a fiddle and demanded that the College of William and Mary’s elected representatives sing along, demonstrating an appropriate use of student fees. “This is what our students want,” Boylan said. “Why use our student fees for things that matter like decent spring concerts or safety initiatives? We should give the students Irish folk.” His vice president, Smiley Tawalare ’19, simply said “Yeet” in response. The fiddle playing summoned the ghosts of SA past. Former reps Jonah No ’19, Dan Affluent ’16 and Danny O’CollegeDelly ’18 joined in the celebration, championing the old boys club mentality. The group announced they were prepared to filibuster for three hours just to continue hearing the sound of their own voices. Incoming SA President Kelsey Votes ’20 rolled her eyes. She raised her hand to speak, although she was never called on. Down the agenda, below Boylan’s very important executive announcement was her newest bill, the Make Senators Behave Like Adults Act. If passed, this bill would reprimand senators for childish behavior demonstrated at Culture Café happy hours, demand that they refrain from talking over their peers and lastly, serve as a reminder that they represent constituents who largely do not care about their Tuesday night proceedings. To help make her point, Votes also promised to bring in local preschool teachers to demonstrate the virtues of sharing and caring. “The time is now that we take our roles seriously,” Votes said, finally giving up on waiting to be called on. “Seriously guys. Have none of you read our code? Do literally any of you even understand how SA works?” Her question was rhetorical, of course. Only Sen. Jack Townie ’18 ’19 ‘IDK cared about the code, although he was not sure whether he preferred Boylan or Votes’ leadership styles. His only real priority was defending his beloved safety measures, now defunded for Boylan’s impromptu Irish folk performance. “I am prepared to sit in a crosswalk for hours, for days,” Townie said. “I will sit in any crosswalk on campus until I am hit to prove that we need to take campus safety seriously. I might even make a meme about it.” By the time the clock struck 10 p.m., two tired Fat Head reporters in the back struggled to keep their eyes open. Tawalare desperately drew “:D” faces on the whiteboard at the front of the room to boost morale, as Boylan and his old boys cohort grew tired. A law school rep, having finished reading through the U.S. Constitution 32 times during the meeting, asked, “How does folk music apply to the grad schools?” No one had a real answer. “Remember, everything we do in SA is incredibly intentional,” Boylan said. “This performance was to remind everyone that sometimes, literally anything is more efficient than usual senate proceedings.” Editor’s Note: Jack Townie ’18 ’19 ’IDK is also Fat Head Internet Dungeonmaster. His involvement with SA is not on behalf of the paper’s interests, except, of course, when it is.
ELEANOR NEVERMORE // ONCE UPON A MONDAY DREARY
T
he College of William and Mary community is collectively reeling in the face of the discovery that the Griffin statue outside Zable Stadium has been separated from its genitals. Catherine Cashew, a sophomore living in the Bryan Complex, discovered the scene of bronze carnage yesterday while on an early-morning run. “Every morning on my run I take a quick glance at the Griffin balls, you know, for motivation,” Cashew said. “Today I thought something looked a little different and so I slowed to a jog and took a closer look under the tail. That’s when I saw they were gone. The balls were just gone.” Right below the missing testicles, two yellow roses were left on the pedestal. Next to the roses, a note was also left which read, “Can you believe these f— bastards put up a f— Griffin statue before a statue of a woman?” The note was written in careful cursive on a piece of yellow stationery adorned with the greek letter alpha. The Ladies of Alpha, the all-women secret society at the College, have not taken credit for the genital larceny despite the incriminating note found on the scene and the well-worn, dog-eared copy of “Milk and Honey” by Rupi Kaur found nearby. Martha Barksdale ’21, who has been dead since 1974, could not be reached for comment after multiple Ouija board-related outreach efforts from The Fat Head staff. After Cashew posted a picture of the scene in the Swampy Memes for Twampy Teens student-run Facebook group, she called the William and Mary Police Department. “I don’t know, I was honestly kind of expecting the post to get more reaccs,” Cashew said. “But I guess the comment-to-like ratio was pretty decent. I got at least 12 angry reaccs and 7 hahas, which was nice. I guess maybe people are just getting tired of the griffin ball discourse.” The statue and the surrounding Tribe Plaza are currently roped off from the public with caution tape to preserve the integrity of the crime scene. According to College spokesperson Suzanne Clavet, the administration is deeply concerned with finding the culprit. “Reveley the Griffin is an important symbol of campus morale and we regret the growing, throbbing pain felt by our community from this incident,” Clavet said. “This theft has left the College’s sizable
JAMIE FONDLER / THE FAT HEAD
The genital larceny corresponded with a 69 percent increase in activity on Swampy Memes for Twampy Teens.
endowment significantly depleted. WMPD is hard at work to find the culprit of this act of vandalism — the ball’s in their court now.” William and Mary Chief of Police Deb Cheesebro said that while they don’t yet have any suspects, they have a lead on the weapon of brass destruction. “The Reddit thread we consulted revealed that the sacking of the Griffin testicles was likely executed with a Delta 10-inch Unisaw equipped with a 60 tooth tungsten carbide blade,” Cheesebro said. “However, no fingerprints were left at the scene and no eyewitnesses have stepped forward. If I may speak candidly, this case is a tough nut to crack.” Williamsburg Men’s Rights Activist group Bros Organizing For Anti-Feminism (B.O.F.A.) announced it is organizing a vigil this Thursday, March 28 in front of the statue of Thomas Jefferson to mourn the loss of deez two important members of
the Williamsburg community. “What kind of nut job would do something like this?” B.O.F.A. member Josh Sawcon said. “Our community, as lovers of both mythical creatures in fantasy fiction and meaty, well-rendered testicles, is shaken to our very core. If you have the Griffin balls, please, we implore that you just give them back.” Several students were spotted looking up the robes of the Reverend James Blair statue only to shake their head in disappointment and walk away dejected. Others expressed concern at the the disappearance of the anatomically confusing testicles right around midterms. “What the hell am I supposed to do now that I can’t rub the Griffin balls for good luck? I’m never going to pass this goddamn bio chem class,” freshman Chester Ligma said, in between violent sobs. “Screw this, I’m changing my major to government.”
UNNOTABLE ALUMNI
College bribes rich parents in shocking admissions scandal Fat Head investigation finds Gary Busey, John Stamos accept money to have kids apply TRIBE SQUARE ELEVATOR (IT’S STILL BROKEN PLEASE HELP)
JAMIE VARSITY HEADS / THE FAT HEAD
I wonder what Gary Busey is up to these days? Not anything relevant.
In the aftermath of the national college bribery scandal in which rich parents bribed universities to get their kids into elite colleges, the Fat Head conducted an investigation into whether similar events were occuring at William & Mary. The investigation revealed that not only were rich families not bribing W&M officials, but that W&M officials were actually bribing rich families to convince them to make their kids apply here. The Fat Head conducted interviews with several wealthy individuals, including several wellknown celebrities, who accepted
Inside Discourse
Inside Bandcamp
Heteronormative homecoming courting is feminist, actually
Theta Pi Dollar Sign member Regina George ’21 argues that sorority women choose to be confined to strict gender roles, year after year. page y = mx + b
bribes from College officials. The bribes were often delivered by the illustrious W. Taylor Reveley III himself. Perhaps the most high-profile celebrity involved was Gary Busey. “I was just minding my own business when I heard someone knock on my door,” said Busey. “I opened it and an old white dude with a southern drawl kept calling me ‘frisky’ and trying to give me a check for $10 million.” Busey took the check, justifying the act by asserting that he “liked money, okay???” True to his word, Busey convinced his daughter, Aquaphalange Busey, to apply to the College. In the months that followed, numerous other College officials
became implicated, with Katherine Rowe posing as Busey’s child and taking the SAT in her place. Aquaphalange Busey was admitted to the class of 2021 as promised,, but Busey ultimately opted not to send his daughter here, even while cashing the $5 million check. “Come on man, why would I ever send my kid to that dumpster-park of a school anyways? Aren’t all the buildings super old and weird?” asked Busey. Seeing as his child is currently enrolled in a 4-year bungee jumping program, the Fat Head has had to conclude that Busey made the correct choice. When one of our reporters accosted Taylor Reveley on the street, he defended his actions saying they were “for the bold.” The Office of
Mistaking it for new Sun Kil Moon record, WCWM airs static for two hours The FCC will not be fining the station for this violation of broadcast guidelines. “While I wouldn’t quite call it music, it doesn’t fulfill our guidelines for obscenity either,” an FCC spokesperson said. page e = mc^2
Undergraduate Admissions declared that the program had resulted in the enrollment of multiple C-list celebrities’ kids, and that it had definitely been a financially smart decision on the College’s part. In a written statement, the office’s spokesperson stated that William & Mary has already given bribes for the next academic year to John Stamos, Hugh Jackman’s brother, and the great-great-great-great grandson of Martin Van Buren.” Rowe suggested that instead of worrying about this issue, we should “just chill out and play some frisbee.” With little sign of this scheme ending anytime soon, we can only hope that John Stamos’s kid will consider coming here.
Inside Dean Gilbert
Student expelled for sexual assault, banned from campus We’re just kidding! That’s too much of a stretch even for our April Fool’s issue. page c^2 = a^2 + b^2
nudes&tea Hog death sows dissent “ Nudes Editor Makes $ BANK $ modeling for the art department Tea Editor Did you know that Chai Tea is technically just “tea tea” wewillmockyourdumbopinions@gmail.com
The Fat Head | Monday, April 1, 2019 | Page 2
THE BUZZ
Poopy-di scoop. Scoop-diddy-whoop. Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop. Poop-discoopty. Scoopty-whoop. Whoopityscoop, woop-poop.
— Vice President of Student Affairs Ginger Ambler ’ 88 BDE ’ 06 on this year’s housing registration
WILLIAMSBURG NINE-NINE BEAT
Monday, April 1
1
Monday, April 1 — Butt chugging behind the B-School: Two sophomore business majors arrested on charges of public intoxication after butt chugging Burnett’s behind the Raymond A. Mason School of Business.
2
Monday, April 1 — Triathalon thieves: Students climbing the wall at the Governor’s Palace stole tricorn hats from colonial re-enactors and later were charged for larceny.
3
Monday, April 1 — Airpod Assault: Police responded to a hit and run Monday when a student reported being hit in a crosswalk. However, when WMPD officers learned the student was wearing airpods, no charges were filed.
4
Monday, April 1 — Fountain pen felony: You’ve already seen Swampy.
GLENN CLOSE SHOULD’VE WON, YOU COWARDS
PIGS
James City police shoot, kill one of their own JACK TOWNIE TOO OLD FOR THIS HOGWASH
Sir Bacon of the ‘Burg, the elusive town pig, met an untimely demise after being shot to death by the James City County Police last week. A motorist spotted Sir Bacon minding his own business on the median of Route 199 between Monticello Avenue and John Tyler Highway. “I smell bacon, I smell grease,” the motorist said. “Here come the James City County police.” Upon arrival, police committed the homicide after being unable to come to terms with Sir Bacon. Instead of accepting him as one of their own, they resorted to an act of violence. The community has taken Sir Bacon’s death with difficulty. Named after Sir Francis Bacon, the mysterious pig has become much beloved by the greater Williamsburg community. Domino’s Pizza, in support, released their Sir Bacon of the Burg Memorial Pizza, comprised only of one topping: bacon. It is available now for $9.11, not including
JAMIE HOLSTER / THE FAT HEAD
Community members gathered to mourn the death of local James City County farm hero.
sales tax. Get it while you can at local Williamsburg locations. All customers who purchase the memorial pizza will be entered to win an all-expenses paid ride along with James City County police.
Editor’s Note: Further pigs will be harmed in the making of these pizzas. Editor’s Note 2 Electric Boogaloo: The James City County police actually shot a pig to death on January 7. Seriously. Google it.
POT
WMPD moving to high places Department eyes new woodsy headquarters in relocation bid MI6 FLAT HAT BARTENDER
Friday, March 29 at 4:20 p.m., William and Mary Police Department announced that they would be shutting down their headquarters on 201 Ukrop Way and relocating to the grounds off the College’s natural trails where the Wildflower Refuge Weedzebo once stood. According to Chief of Police Web Weedbro, the move was motivated by a need to increase inspiration among the college’s
“
police officers. “We did annual performance evaluations and I noticed we were lacking,” Weedbro said. “I felt that in order to be better police officers, we really needed to come down, be in the heart of campus and weed out bad working practices.” When asked what practices WMPD could improve on, Weedbro didn’t have an answer, but said that nature could assist her officers in personal growth. “I think that our force will benefit from being centered in the College’s green spaces.”
COMMENTS @THEFATHEAD
Lol wow. Y’all are LITERALLY adults now. GROW UP! Literally every single creature on this planet (even made up ones) have genitalia. And most aren’t as easily “covered” as humans’. This is absolutely ridiculous. You seriously have nothing better to write about? It honestly offends you that a creature has genitalia? Get over yourself & grow up
— Facebook commenter Caysee Lucas on why it’s perfectly natural for griffins to have balls, OK?
LETTER TO THE EDITOR COURTESY PHOTO / TIMOTHEE CHALAMET
CORRECTIONS The Flat Hat wishes to correct any fact printed incorrectly. Corrections may be submitted in email to the editor of the section in which the incorrect information was printed. Requests for corrections will be accepted at any time. Luckily for you, we’re all perfect, hot and don’t make any mistakes, binches!
The Fat Head
Dear Sir/Madame, I am glad to see the above subject discussed in your paper. However, I disagree substantially with the claim of your piece: the claim that the earth is round. Many may not agree, but the Bible revealed that the Earth is flat and that we live under a DOME, which is called the FIRMAMENT. Nowhere in the Bible does it describe the Earth as a globe. The curvature of the Earth exists only in your imagination, not in reality. Globe believers exit under the assumption of false science. Indoctrinated GLOBIES straightly believe they landed on the moon and they call Flat Earther “Crazy”? 2017 has been a fantastic year for the Flat Earth movement. If current trends are anything to go by, 2018 is only going to get better! Happy Blowout to all Flat Earthers, and those not yet convinced. The Flat Earth Society FlatEARTH@wm.edu
‘DEMOCRACY DIES IN BLACKOUT’ | ESTABLISHED APRIL 20, 1969
The Grotty Basement of Death, The College of William and Mary, Bill’s Town, Va. Editor flathat.editor@gmail.com Opinions fhopinions@gmail.com Managing flathat.managing@gmail.com Variety flathat.variety@gmail.com Executive flathat.executive@gmail.com Photos flathatphotos@gmail.com News fhnews@gmail.com Online flathatonline@gmail.com Sports flathatsports@gmail.com Advertising flathatads@gmail.com Copy flathatcopy@gmail.com Graphics flathat.art@gmail.com Blogs fhnews.blogs@gmail.com
GUEST COLUMN
Honestly, I just don’t see what the big deal is
Mia Witchin High Priestess Wheat Thin Beige Griffin Balls Editor Anakin Nipples Resident Punk Maggie McGonaggal Bludg’er? I hardly know ‘er! Money Douglas Make it Rain Amy Snowshovel Dolla Dolla Bills Heather Magellan Cartographer Greta Gerwig Lady Bird Editor Chuckles Davis Data? Hell, I’ll Marry‘a! Zoe Goateesley Monotony Editor Adithi Ramakrishnan Layout Goddess Viva Las Vegas Editor of Petty Babe-ry Lackner Sportsball Editor Blondes Have More Fun Complaints Editor Chlo-in-the-Dark Hot Takes Editor Ezra Koenig Weekend Editor George Lucas Go See a Star War
Kevincito Father Sporksboii Adam Ant-Man Dungeonmaster K-Hole Blunts Editor K-Pain Manga Editor Grub Hub World Wide Web Editor Ha Ha Hogan Calligraphy Editor JC Who Gives a F%$# ZC About an Oxford Comma Jaime Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer Becky Klingon Picture? Damn near killed her! Chuck Coal Man MUN Correspondent Avril Lavigne Late Nite Angel Intern Aly Gray Shack Lower on the Masthead :’(
Fernando ThereWasSomethingInTheAirThatNight Aly Sloth Tepid Takes Editor Sarah G. Lennon-McCartney Caroline Walmart Lukewarm Takes Editor Karina V. McCartney-Lennon Nathan Night Tribe Atheltic’s Biggest Fan Suzy B. Jones Variety Assoc. Editor Griffin “Not the Mascot” Dunn Money Man Miranda Cosgrove Variety Assoc. Editor Margaret Eyelash Makeup, Lash Designer Lauren Cone Ice Cold Takes Editor Katherine Pebbles Flintstones Editor Tony Leave Me Alone Prince Thespian Christian Oreo Let’s Check the AP Stylebook Lizzie Khaki Is Co-Education Hyphenated?
William and Mary Wine Mom CAN I TALK TO THE MANAGER PLEASE
Essential Oils are bae, OK. I’ve kept my non-vaccinated children on a strict regimine of insence and herbal teas, and I’ve never had a horoscope that hasn’t exactly predicted the time and location of my children’s Places I’ve Cried at WM posts . I mean have you not seen the new Health and Wellness Center facilities? The bike racks are pristine! The waits times are legendary! What is there to complain about? Personally, I think the haters are completely wrong on
this issue. I mean people nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn mwill always find a reason to complain about innefectual, overpriced health services that don’t properly adress the needs of the student population. If people want to complain, they should put their money where their mouth is and donate to the new Alumni House. That’s where the real changes are made on this campus. People just need to relax. Turn on your diffuser, put on a charcoal face mask, turn on an episode of “The Great British Baking Show” and just chillax for a bit honey. Besides, the real problems plaguing this campus now are the openly combative attitudes toward homeopathy around campus. Alternative medicines are the best. They’re just like alternative music. I mean you guys all love Mitski right, so what’s up with essential oils. I was paid good money under the table to send my kids to this campus, and I can’t believe the combative attitudes towards proper treatment of waxing and waning energies. This isn’t the tribe I imagined for my children. William and Mary deserves better.
spicy, not news STATISTICS (NOT FACT-CHECKED)
Sayonara, Ludwell!
Boracio discovers historical parking foundation where apartments stand 2
M PARKING SERVICES MOLE
College plans to raze Ludwell Apartments after discovery of historical parking foundation On Wednesday, March 27, officials from the College of William and Mary’s Parking Services, professors from the College’s anthropology department, and local Williamsburg historians unveiled that they had discovered the remnants of a parking deck underneath Ludwell Apartments and, in light of that discovery, announced that the best course of action would be to raze the building in order to rebuild a piece of parking history. After complaints of a 3.65 percent increase in parking ticket rates at the College of William and Mary’s Ludwell Apartments, William and Mary Parking Services Director Will Boracio worked with Ludwell’s community council for solutions. According to sources who wish to remain anonymous for fear of acquiring yet another
ticket, Boracio went rogue and teamed up researchers because he had a hunch that Ludwell’s parking problems were the result of a historical infrastructure legacy going unacknowledged and not an overselling of resident parking decals. During the investigation which concluded earlier this month, the added presence of researchers and vehicles from Parking Services took up an additional 30 spaces which did not exist in the first place, given Ludwell’s existence as a giant roundabout that challenges the parallel parking skills of its residents. The discovery was made when a researcher accidentally attempted to park in front of and then backed into a fire hydrant, conveniently serving as a place to break ground. The Fat Head does not know whether or not the researcher is still involved with the project or if they received a ticket from the Williamsburg Police Department. According to Boracio, the parking deck’s restoration will fulfill
the College’s mission to preserve the historicity of the College. “It’s unfortunate that this project might hinder the College’s collective aesthetic and beauty, but we as a community have made sacrifices in the past to satisfy the College’s needs— take the acquisitions of Richmond Hall and Tribe Plaza’s Griffin statue, which were made in order to serve the needs of students and Reveley’s ego, respectively,” Boracio said. “We can all agree that they are visually unpleasant, and even then, they exist with no historical basis or justification. Students wanted more parking. Now they’ll have it and I don’t have to feel guilty about it.” Director of Facilities Maintenance, Planning and Design Jeff Brancheau said that the restoration project has been proactively added to the Campus Master Plan with a reported estimate of $48 million needed for completion. The General Assembly has not yet put forth the funds for the project, but Brancheau assures
that the cost of the addition will not fall on students and is confident that if all else fails, private donors can get the job done so that demolition can start as early as this summer. “I mean, who wouldn’t want a parking deck named after them? We’ll make sure to include their middle initials and suffix (it’s not pretentious at all) and, for some extra cash, we’ll upgrade them to an engraving of their name on the physical deck instead of the green signs we always use,” Brancheau said in an email. “Also, nothing ensures one’s legacy will remain intact more than concrete— unless you’re Millington or another building on the side of campus our communications team calls sixty years young. It’ll be a worthwhile investment.” When asked for comment, current Ludwell resident [name] ’20 expressed disappointment, saying that the project came at a bad time. “Where the f— am I going to live next year?”
NOT SURPRISING
Entire Rocket staff transfers to VCUarts Magazine agrees to stay put in return for Student Exchange photoshoot RELUCTANTLY STAYING AT W&M SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON ROCKET
The campus is in a state of disarray after ROCKET Magazine announced Friday morning that the majority of its staff would be transferring to VCUarts next year. The announcement comes just days after the basketball transfer announcements completely dismantled the athletic department. As day for admitted students approaches, the administration is scrambling to find any reason why incoming freshmen would want to come to the College of William and Mary. “We are excited to announce that our staff will be transferring to VCU to work on their fashion magazine,” editor in chief Ellie Reyez ’20 said in the statement. “In light of recent budget cuts, it has become impossible for us to run the magazine as we wish. It’s hard to say whether we have enjoyed our time at the College, but we feel that this is the best decision for our staff. Rocket will remain at the College for those who are still brave enough to join” Members are excited to explore all the new opportunities VCU has to offer. “Once I visited the campus, it wasn’t that difficult of a decision,” Sasha Moseley the magazine’s art/juuling
director said. “I had never been to Richmond before, and it’s like a real city. Everyone there seems very chill.” The staff also sees it as an opportunity to collaborate with new, more creative and interesting people. “Let’s be honest, William and Mary is pretty vanilla,” Chelsey Ngyuen ’22, the magazine’s social coordinator said. “I think we’re all pretty tired of the people here. Tired of looking at them, tired of listening to them.” The VCU Board of Visitors and the VCUarts department orchestrated the transfers in an effort to recruit students with actual talent. Every transferring member will receive a full ride to VCU and $2,000 thrift store stipend. “We put a lot of money into our arts program, like a lot of money,” Gary Atwater Director of the VCU Arts program said. “We just weren’t seeing the results we wanted to see. We feel confident that these transfers will greatly improve the quality of our fashion magazine.” While a majority of the staff is transferring, a few students have chosen to stay behind. At least five staff members have confirmed they will stay at the College to honor the blood oath they swore to their Greek life communities. They say they were concerned that the lack of Greek life at VCU would make their social integration at the university difficult. “It was a really tough decision for me,” Sarah Jones
’21 said. “It’s really cool to say I was a part of something like ROCKET, but I just couldn’t leave my sisters. I paid a lot of money for those friends, you know? It’s really hard to leave a bond like that behind.” It remains unclear who will run the magazine next year. The Very Important School of Business has offered to help fill vacant positions with some of its marketing students. The business school hopes this change in hands is an opportunity to fix the magazine’s recruitment policies. “I always appreciated the magazine’s commitment to diversity and affirmative action, but I felt their staff wasn’t entirely representative of the talent we have on campus,” Dean of Business Geoff Beto said. “I hope next year’s staff will reflect the broader campus community.” The administration says it is exploring the possibility of recruiting students from outside schools. “We are attempting to see if we can recruit hipster, artsy students from UVA,” Ellen Smith, the College’s spin doctor said. “We admit to having difficulty recruiting those students, but we promise we are really trying.” The ROCKET staff says they will conditionally continue production of this semester’s issue. They request that the College gives them access to the Student Exchange for their next shoot.
PYRAMID SCHEMES
IWC replaces counseling with alternative medicine Health options will now include astrology, psychic sexual healing instead of condoms, vaccines RESIDENT GAY ANARCHIST BE GAY, DO CRIMES
The McLeod-Tyler Wellness Center has announced radical new plans for improving student health on campus. Besides phasing out counseling services with a dedicated astrology office, the Wellness Center has
launched an aggressive pseudo-science strategy to clean up campus. “Student health and safety is our top priority,” Dr. R. Kelly Crace said. “We health experts at the Wellness Center see essential oils as essential to rebalancing the out of control sad boi energies on campus.” After the rousing success of their
essential oils classes, doTerra and the Wellness Center have partnered together to make ineffective and expensive snake oil readily available on campus. Wellness Center staff members have described their new business practices as a vertically rising distribution strategy closely resembling a pyramid. Plans have been put into motion to install a peppermint oil diffuser in every Jefferson Hall lounge to combat the aggressive outbreak of super-gonorrhea plaguing Jefferson freshman. Veggie capsules are being placed in Sadler to provide healthy vegetarian alternatives. Lavender oils are also being distributed to perturbed up-and-coming seniors who will be living in Jefferson help find their centers and maybe chill out a bit you know. The Student Health Center will also be phasing out free Lifestyle condoms and providing more natural alternatives such as sheepskin Magnums. Subsidized STD testing will also soon be replaced by sexual wellness palm readings. The Health and Wellness Center staff have also started to enact self-care initiatives to replace the hiring of new
student therapists. “We’re encouraging students to begin reading their leftover tea leaves to diagnose themselves for the flu,” Crace said. “Pints of Ben and Jerry’s are also available upon request from the front desk.” Students have had mixed reactions to the Student Health Center’s new and equally ineffective approach to student health. “I waited a month for my counseling appointment,” Dixie Normous ’20 said, “and I definitely wasn’t expecting it to involve a Ouija board séance.” Rising sophomore Hugh Jass ’21 was confused by the Health Center’s new homeopathic remedies. “I came in to be diagnosed for mono,” Jass said. “After an hour of waiting, Dr. Dafashy told me my moon was in Pisces and I should avoid high alkaline content in water. Pretty sure I still have mono though.” The Student Health and Wellness Center will be hosting Wiccan coven initiations next Thursday behind the trails. The Wellness Center also advises students to be wary of their zodiac signs and download Co-Star, because counseling appointments will be delayed by another month.
Variety Editors | The Spice Merchants sheepandfeelings@gmail.com // @thefathead
The Fat Head | Monday April 1, 2019 | Page 9
WHY DO THESE TEARS FALL AT NIGHT
AidData maps top cry spots Fat Head investigation finds that spectators needed for public cries PETER PAN ENEMY OF THE POD
As a new initiative designed to support student mental health, the College of William and Mary’s research lab AidData has mapped out all the places students have cried on campus, with data taken from the increasingly popular Facebook group “W&M Places I’ve Cried Group.” Results of this initiative have shown that the most common place to cry on campus, the Earl Gregg Swem Library, is also the place most likely for strangers to try to comfort you in a way that is further upsetting. Leader of the project Erkmin Abdeegle told The Fat Head’s investigative staff that the project, known as the “TWAMPs Are A Far Cry from Feeling Okay,” and internally as “Don’t tell anyone but IR majors never cry,” was the culmination of work done over three years by a tight-knit group of researchers determined to know what made the perfect place to cry on campus. In a presentation given to an Andrews lecture hall, empty save a squirrel that had broken in, Abdeegle discussed criteria for evaluating cry spots. “What we figured out is that TWAMPs really prefer a place with medium amounts of spectators,” Abdeegle said. “There was a significant minority of TWAMPs that preferred loud crying, making the media studios in Swembase perfect. Most TWAMPs reserved ugly crying for deep in the Matoaka woods. Interestingly, we found that these criers chose to wipe away their tears using deciduous leaves only. Must be the bio majors, right?” The Fat Head’s investigative team asked where Abdeegle had cried, and he proudly stated that the only places he’d ever cried were the Sadler study room, the infamous showers in Tyler Hall and the sinking stairwells of Morton Hall.
THEATAAH
Asbestos takes over PBK, stages musical Coming to life, theater mineral raises curtain on ‘Cats’ show (AS)-BEST-EST REPORTER EVER FLAT HAT RESIDENT PUN EXPERT
When the Department of Theatre, Speech, and Dance moved out of Phi Beta Kappa Memorial Hall, most people thought the PBK stage had seen its last performance. Accordingly, there was much surprise among students last week when fliers appeared advertising an upcoming performance in PBK of Andrew Lloyd Weber’s “Cats” by the asbestos that has been festering in the building since its construction. After much wrangling with the administration, the asbestos convinced them to reopen PBK’s auditorium for one last night by threatening to invade the rest of the school if turned down. “We’ve been waiting for decades to show this campus what we’ve got, and now that the students have finally left PBK, it’s our time to shine!” said the asbestos, clearly itching with excitement. The asbestos has reportedly been rehearsing and preparing its rendition of the classic musical for years in the storage space underneath the stage. In an act of questionable legality, the asbestos is refusing to pay for the rights to the show, saying that no human would be able to get close enough to it without risking their health to demand payment anyways. Asbestos is made up of the six silicate minerals of chrysotile, amosite, crocidolite, tremolite, anthophyllite, and actinolite. Each minerals is involved in the production in some capacity, but since chrysotile makes up 95% of the asbestos in the U.S., it is pulling a bit more weight than the other five, playing all the leads, directing and choreographing the show, and overseeing all the technical aspects. In fact, the other five will mostly just be doing jazz hands in the background. “The other minerals just don’t have what it takes, so I had to employ my star power to make this show happen,” declared the chrysotile. For Williamsburg theatre patrons who enjoy musical productions mounted by toxic minerals, Cats will have a single performance on Friday at 4:00 AM.
sportsball
SPORTSNEWS IN BRIEFS
The stories we didn’t have enough copy to fill a column with so we made it a blurb instead.
Mike London quits before first season Football head Coach Mike London stepped down before his first season with the Tribe came around. “Frankly,” he said, “I’m going to quit while I’m ahead.” Having not coached a single game at the College, London is already being hailed as one of the most successful football coaches in school history.
Did you notice that field hockey was like super good this year? If you didn’t then frankly you’re a nerd or a misogynist. Don’t tell me that there’s any other way you could have not noticed that Tribe field hockey was named the 2018 CAA champions and then got to the second round of the NCAA tournament, thereby being one of the most successful sports teams in, like, a million years. So which is it? Do you love studying or do you hate women?
College bans Tribe Athletics from receiving any more private donations After million-dollar renovations to Zable Stadium, the women’s field hockey facility and every other possible athletics facility on campus, Board of Vistors says enough is enough. The board reiterated student concerns when they pointed out that athletes needed housing in addition to locker rooms.
The Only Sports Person Left J. Stinkbug flathatsports@gmail.com @thistwitterisnever_updated
The Fat Head | Friday, April 1, 2019 | Page 10
GRITTY WANNABES
Griffin mascot transfers to literally anywhere else
Other former mascots confirm: “It sucks to root for Tribe Athletics” AUTOHARPIST EXTRAORDINAIRE NOT THAT UPSET ABOUT LEAVING Upon transferring to William and Mary from a mythological private school — probably Hogwarts or something — the Griffin felt optimistic about his new home here. Among the Orientation Aids screaming, “One Tribe, One family,” through the colonial swamp, he thought he had made the right choice. Little did he know, the process of orientation would soon socially drain him for months to come. “As soon as I arrived, I was put on a pedestal. That made me feel appreciated —at the very least— but now something feels off. The air smells swampy. The people are twampy, and something about how obsessed everyone is with Wawa water just doesn’t sit quite right. Do they know that it’s just regular water? And that you’re supposed to drink water outside of 24-hour convenience stores,” the Griffin said in a press release from Tribe Athletics. When asked to give a response to the Griffin’s statement, a patron of Wawa, also a student of the College, spontaneously combusted at the suggestion that the campus-wide tradition of hydrating exclusively with a giant plastic cup filled from a coke machine was a little ridiculous. About life as a student athlete, former teammate Colonel Ebirt said, “Yeah, it’s really weird to be on a team here because you can know that you are a really good athlete, and also that your teammates are really talented, but then we keep losing games. If you leave the state of Virginia and say that you go here, people will be like Mary and Who—never heard of it. Then
after about a year of terrible stats, the coach tells you a story about the colonial curse put upon this land hundreds of years ago. Then it all makes sense.” In an interview with Fat Head Sporks, the Griffin said, “It’s true. I will be leaving my team this year for greener pastures. By that, I mean a place where the land, and not the bodies of water, are green. I’ve gotten lots of great offers from schools who promise not to joke about my @!*#. Literally any one of those places would be a better fit for me.” After the loss of star players like Colonel Ebirt, this news hit hard. Head coach refused to comment on this news. However, an anonymous source reported that the mascots that preceded Ebirt, while racist, brought in significantly more alumni gift participation. The Griffin will join a long list of transferring mascots upon his departure at the end of the semester. That list includes such eccentric characters as: a 17 ft alligator named Cal, a culturally appropriated pony, as well as various iterations (different colors, adjectives, and images) of a stereotypically portrayed Native American. WAMPO the pony, as well as the many poorly titled Native American mascots refused to give extensive commentary on the record, claiming that there was no way that we would be able to publish the words they had to describe their time at the College. However, they did all unanimously state on the record that they are happy for the Griffin’s move to literally anywhere else and affirmed that they were also happy with their own decisions to do that same dang thing decades beforehand.
Cal the alligator said, “I’m proud of the Griffin for doing what’s best for him. He’s a good kid with lots going for him. Back in my day, one of the best choices I made during my time here was planning to move to Florida after graduation. I was clearly in the wrong
COURTESY PHOTO / JAMIE HOOPS
Colonel Ebirt gives a big thumbs up to transferring!!!!!!!!!
A REAL SPORT
Investigative sporks journalist finds that Griffin was actually named after the Busch Gardens roller coaster After a riveting happy hour debate in the Delly, a Fat Head journalist decided to finally settle the question once and for all: Who chose the Griffin first — William and Mary or Busch Gardens. A quick google search confirms that the area’s favorite theme park introduced the rollercoaster by the same name in May of 2007, while the College copied their supercool idea in 2010. As a current student, you are obligated to share this ground-breaking news and also to ask your friends, “Who wore it better?”
Raft Debate professors conquer IM rugby tournament by a landslide They’re tougher than you. They don’t need physical strength or youthful stamina. They can move the ball with their minds. Go ahead, try and beat them. Even the football team couldn’t rise to this challenge. Anyone who can defeat a deserted island with a degree alone can surely conquer the world with their amazing powers of knowledge.
DESPERATE CRY FOR HELP Tribe Athletics released an announcement asking students to please for the love of god attend some sporting events Friday. “We are humbly requesting that students please just come to literally any sporting event,” said a Tribe Athletics spokesperson. “Come for five minutes and then leave, we don’t care, just please show up. We will literally pay you.” Thanks to Tribe Athletics’ recent efforts to boost attendance at sporting events, including giving out free t-shirts, hot dogs, sodas, armchairs, gift cards to Home Depot, and piles of straight up cash, the baseball team recently saw a season high of five fans in attendance at the park last week. “Please come watch our sports,” said the spokesperson. “Our victory cries echo across the empty ch stadiums and it t a ew makes it sound om ec s like we are yelling ea Pl into the void. Free us from this hell.”
Canoe battleship goes where no Tribe team has ever gone before: The NCAA tournament
President Rowe asks, “Canoe believe we made it out of the conference in something?” FRIEDRICH NIETZCHE MY WIFE LEFT ME William and Mary was victorious in the NCAA finals of the 2019 canoe battleship championship Friday, narrowly beating out Duke to hoist the symbolic solid silver water bucket above their heads. The win was in large part due to senior water-dumper Nathan “Dark Knight” Withoucha, who spoke to a crowd of reporters from The Flat Hat, ESPN, Sportsnet, NBCSN and the Canoe Network through tears after the big win. “This win means everything to me,” Withoucha said. “It’s something I’ve been working for my whole waterdumping career.” Withouchea is expected to be selected in the first round of the National Canoe Battleship League draft this summer, so today was an important day for him. It began with a tough first round for a College. The Tribe canoe almost sunk immediately after the University of Florida teamed up with the University of Virginia to target them, heaving huge bucketfuls of water into the boat as they floundered. “They were fast, but not accurate
at the dumping,” Withoucha said. “I’ve seen better dumps. One of them dumped it into my mouth and I gagged it right back up. Pool water is gross.” The Tribe managed to rally, with Withouchea leading the charge to hurl water at the rival dumpers, managing to stay afloat while the other canoes sank to win the round. “We were just more prepared to ferociously fling buckets of water at our competitors than anyone else was,” Withoucha said. “I’ve been dumping buckets of water my whole life, that’s why my dumping bicep is so much bigger than my other bicep, see?” In the final, the other three boats in the pool quickly sank, leaving just Duke and the Tribe to battle it out. The tension was clear between the two boats. As the entire crowd of fans and professional battleship scouts huddled around the edges of the Olympicsized swimming pool fell silent in anticipation, the two canoes slowly paddled in circles around each other, the rowers glaring, the water-dumpers holding their buckets threateningly. One Tribe swimmer accidentally fell out of the canoe, but she was able to crawl back in before Duke could take advantage.
“It was a tense moment there, when [senior rower Bianca] Balls fell into the pool,” Withouchea said. “But she managed to get back in, and from that point on, let me tell you, it was Balls to the wall.” The two canoes attacked. Withouchea started the rush, surprising the Duke captain with a full bucket of water hurled directly at the prow of her canoe. After that it was mayhem, with screams and splashes filling the air as the two teams frantically hurled their buckets at each other. The Duke captain became over enthusiastic in her dumping, and accidentally threw her bucket out of the pool, taking out three innocent passersby. The Tribe took advantage of the lull in dumping to finish off the Duke canoe, and it slowly sank below the water line as the College team threw their buckets into the air in victory. “I wish I could be a canoe battleshipper,” said actual star Duke basketball player Zion Williamson. “It’s the most artful of all the D1 sports, in my opinion. If I only I had the tactical mind to do it.” Head coach Mr. Coach said that the championship victory was his greatest
achievement in 29 years of coaching Tribe canoe battleship. “We’ve seen CAA victories, we even got to the final four last year, but this the best season of my time at the College,” Mr. Coach said. “I know everyone across the country had us written out of our brackets by the second round, so we were quite the underdog.” In between signing autographed paddles and t-shirts for the fans swarming around the pool, Withouchea told The Flat Hat that this win was the most important moment of his life both past and future, eclipsing moments such as his high school graduation and his eventual college graduation, wedding, and birth of his children. “What you have to understand is that this is more than just a game,” Withouchea said. “It’s canoe battleship, and it’s life or death.”
NCAA CHAMPIONS
COURTESY PHOTO / THE DARK WEB
This trophy is made purely of solid gold
ANOTHER REAL SPORT
Kerpa Derpa hires leprechauns to run Campus Golf Abundant pots of gold raise thousands more than For the Bold campaign ever could KAY DEE COONS ASK HER IF SHE STUDIED ABROAD In an effort to spice up what is already considered to be the spiciest day on William and Mary’s campus, the College has announced major changes to the beloved twamp gathering known as Campus Golf. Each year, students emerge from the depths of Swem to fulfill their cosplay fantasies and hit the links for a rewarding round of golf. In the past, caddies hailed from the “Kerpa Derpa” organization. Now, in a dramatic departure, the college has recruited actual leprechauns to replace all former “Kerpa Derpa” caddies. “It is definitely time fore a change,” loyal player Cady Shack ’19 said. “There is no doubt the leprechauns will make this event bigger and better
than ever.” The Leprechaun Community has a long history of partnerships with professional sports, most notably representing the University of Notre Dame and the Boston Celtics in a mascot role. This proven experience will only elevate Campus Golf to be on par with these organizations. Initiated by Supreme Leader Tiger Forest, other changes include extending the course from the Sunken Gardens through Colonial Williamsburg and a new preseason training camp, Foreplay Fore Golfers, which will be held leading up to the tournament. “I think as much as folks hype up the main event, a lot of golfers actually prefer the foreplay,” Forest said. As tourism declines in CW, this new partnership is sure to drive up revenue to the area. New marketing will highlight Off Campus Golf as a major attraction.
“The community not only expects adults playing dress-up on DoG Street, they demand it,” Forest said. “We’re just giving the people what they want.”
COURTESY PHOTO / JAMIE SRAT
The view you see when you drunkenly stumble onto the Sunken Gardens at 10 in the morning in costume