Good to be back in your hands again. Your strong, capable hands. (Mmmm.) We heard from the people who heard from folks on campus that some have been calling us an “organizational mess” and “a sorry excuse for satire” and “a waste of Culter Publication’s money.”
That made us sad.
Then we got over it. Of course we’re an organizational mess. Have you ever encountered any organization on campus? Hell, have you ever encountered any organization on any college campus? We’re all run by people whose brains are literally not developed and who have no concept of money. More than $80k a year in debt and you think we’re gonna run things in a steady, level headed manner? BFFR.
As for a sorry excuse for satire - we have no response. If our satire isn’t for you then we understand. Might as well call us ugly and dumb to our faces, but, no seriously, we understand. Humor is subjective. If we were funny in person we wouldn’t have a need to write it down. Here we are but also here you are too. Go pick on someone your own size.
“A waste of Cutler Publication money?” Yah probably, but at least we’re honest about how we waste our money. Go ask CCSGA about all the mysterious ways other groups on campus waste their money. Will give ya a whole new level of respect for your D editors.
At the end of the day, we are just underdeveloped wee lads who’re trying our best to make you giggle. A lot of you sleep with people for wayyyyy less. If you see us, give us some love. Of course you don’t know when you see us. That’s the whole goddamn point.
Oh and we’re still hiring. Come write for The Disincentive. $25 an article. That’s like two shit-quality pre-rolls. Be funny! Write us at editors@thedisincentive.com or dm on Instagram @the_disincentive. Have shade with The Disincentive? Do it better than us then. <3
With all our love,
Your Disincentive Editors
The Marriage Pact: Honor Council’s Longest Con
Around campus more than half of Colorado College’s students are reeling in the aftermath of receiving their marriage pact matches. The marriage pact, meant to be a backup plan in case one’s ugly ass goes unmarried in the coming years, is meant to offer an algorithmically optimal matching with another person on campus. It’s a testament to the organizers that they managed to get so many CC students to participate - it’s an even larger testament to the organizers that they have gone unknown throughout the entire process.
It was only with the genius of the investigative minds at The Disincentive that we are able to finally shed light onto the mysterious organizers of this endlessly popular pact. At Colorado College the marriage pact was organized by none other than the Colorado College Honor Council.
It didn’t take a genius to guess that the honor council might be involved with the marriage pact. Questions like, “Would you rather fail or cheat on a test?” were a dead giveaway for some sort of institutional in-group. Once our investigative team caught onto their scent, leadership within the honor council issued an official statement, alongside an apology and suggested punishments for the individuals involved.
CC Enrollment
Update
Colorado College has officially released their data on the incoming class of 2028. The report will be the first of the colleges’ that was significantly impacted by the supreme court decision to ban affirmative action. Colorado College, like all other major universities and colleges, are reeling in the aftermath of that decision.
The first major point of discussion: Colorado College only enrolled nine Black students into CC this year. For a class of just around 500 people that means that the class of 2028 has a whopping approximately 1.8% Black student population. (Fourth wall break: we’re not even lying or joking. Look it up this is true and fucking crazy. Why is no one talking about it? Okay now back to lying.)
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The Marriage Pact: Honor Council’s Longest Con
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CC Enrollment Update
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Types of Things I’m Gonna Stop Putting up With
Colorado College Men’s Cross Country Team Attempts to Fit In
By: Anonymous
Newsflash
By: Anonymous
The Trauma of Enduring Rastall as a sophomore
By: Anonymous
Infrequently Asked Questions
Dear marriage counselor D mommy,
I’m writing to you on the other side of a situation of extreme peril. My marriage pact match was the girlfriend of my best friend. To make matters more complicated, his match was with my girlfriend. What do we do?
-Monogamous Mike Hey Monogamous Mike,
Couple questions/suggestions for ya.
First: Why the fuck did any of you fill out the marriage pact. Be single or be satisfactorily taken.
Second: Orgy.
Third: Opportunity for you to shake it up and just go out with your best friend.
Fourth: All four of you seek therapeutic support.
-Your Mommy D
I have a disgusting, used mattress that Dan the landlord left in my house that I’m actually paying $14,000 per month (after fees) for. I’ll be leaving it in the alley behind 1020, whoever gets there first gets it! Ad
OH, THE PLACES YOU’VE GONE:
Student Survey Reveals Top Block Break Destinations
Quotes of the Block
I think I’m bored of skiing.
- CC student who’s actively recruiting for a relay luge team
I think we might want to stop ourselves from assuming their gender.
- Locked in CC student interrupts assumptions of road killed raccoon’s gender
It’s not that I have a hard time learning from professors who are women or that I think they’re not as good at their jobs, it’s just that so many of them have grating voices.
- That one misogynist on campus we all know
DISCLAIMER
Everything in this paper is completely satirical. While we took inspiration from our campus and the surrounding community, we made up everything here. The quotes, the events, the news: all of it is NOT REAL. Any similarity to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. We have deep respect for the efforts and products of on-campus publications and are privileged to draw inspiration from their work. Thank you for picking up a copy of The Disincentive. We look forward to never talking.
When I was on my high school hockey team that dude literally ended my season otherwise I’d be right up there with them.
- Drunk liar behind you at a hockey game (prematurely balding )
Online sports betting isn’t gambling lol.
- Frat brother who’s down $4k this week
“ Sometimes we just need to take systems out of balance and rectify them back into balance via our own hands. ”
- RoCCy
Answers to Last Block’s Crossword
Well folks, this debate cycle sure has been a doozy. For those of you who (wisely) missed the campus watch parties, we’re here to catch you up.
If you read the Catalyst (which we all know you don’t), you may have noticed a little post-debate op ed about Harris’ supposedly “nothing” platform. Well, our humble crossword editor disrespectfully disagrees. In fact, they’ve hidden three fundamental tenets of Harris’ plan in the gray squares in this block’s puzzle.
