Oh how we’ve missed you! Most of you. Some of you… We truly cried ourselves to sleep each and every night this summer running our fingers over the deep, aching, pulsating (?) hole that was your absence.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Not only do we welcome back our former paramours, enemies, and para-social acquaintances - we also must start off this new year welcoming in a whole new crop of itsy bitsy tigers (tigitos, if you will) to a very Disincentive school year.
Who is The Disincentive? We are the premier (only) satirical newspaper on campus. We are a student run, student overseen, and dark money funded group invested in cultivating filth, lies, and disengagement across CC. We think CC students are doing “too much” and we encourage them to do the radical - turn their brain off, read some filth, and laugh raucously in inappropriate places.
If you find yourself thinking “oh I could do this”, we can guarantee that YOU CAN. We are literally some of the stupidest motherfuckers at this school. We are the pity acceptances, we are the tail of the class bell curve, we are the people who you see in classes and think to yourself “they seriously came back?”, we push on pull doors and pull on push doors. If you think you can do what we do you are 100% correct. And what’s more - we DARE you to do it. Yah huh. Do it. DO IT - LIE, PRODUCE INACCURACIES. We pay now! $25 an article. Find us on our Instagram @the_disincentive or just email your piece straight to editors@thedisincentive.com.
Excited to lie to your faces!
How The Disincentive Team Spent Their Summers
We can bet that you’ve probably been asking yourself“okay but what do our favorite writers do during the summer?” We thought we’d let you guys take a peek behind the curtain and tell you in excruciating detail. Enjoy!
Our one and only puzzle enthusiast spent the summer solving cold cases for the FBI. His solves had a 100% inaccuracy rate but who can blame him! All that matters is that we each wake up and try our best every day.
Our favorite long form article writer spent her summer frolicking through fields, spreading light and joy, and overall embodying the essence of a summer fairy. She helped aid those experiencing food shortages, planted trees, talked to wildlife and reignited joy in what has become a dark world.
Sleep tight little tigitos <3, Your Disincentive Editors editors@thedisincentive.com - @the_disincentive (Continued
Presidential Debate Predictions
As November hangs over us like a delightful cloud of urgency, fear, nihilism and regrets, we can’t stop but thinking about the presidential election. This block we got to watch what we could only describe as Two Very Different People (™) take the stage and probably discuss things of importance or things of unimportance? We can’t quite say yet because at the time of writing this article the article hasn’t yet happened. But! We have a series of predictions for the debate that you (yes, you! The reader!) can now fact check us against what really happened.
1. Kamala Harris will say “brat” in an ironic sense but it won’t come off as ironic.
2. Donald Trump will say something factually incorrect, offensive, bigoted, disgusting, yet indisputably original.
3. Kamala Harris will site facts and figures.
How The Disincentive Team Spent Their Summers
(continued from page 1)
Presidential Debate Predictions (continued from page 1)
Fuck, Marry, Kill
By: Anonymous
eMed Email: Does Back to School Mean More UTIs?
By: Anonymous
Infrequently Asked Question
Hey Disincentive Mumsala,
I’m having a hard time feeling like a unique person here at CC. You know - building a niche, being my own person. Any advice?
- Just like every other girl
Hey just like every other girl,
First of all - what a blessing to be like any girl. Highest compliment truly. I find myself trying to be a little bit like every girl I meet. Now - how to be your own person at CC? I would say try a new hobby (maybe rock climbing! Or thrifting! Or throwing ceramics!) Stocked full of hobbies? Try making some adjustments to your wardrobe. Maybe some pants that don’t fit correctly! Or a shirt with a weird little design! Or some sambas!
If that doesn’t work just refer to yourself as anything other than “middle-class.” At CC that is as rare as it gets!
Warmly,
Your Disincentive Mumsala
Ad
Looking for 16 to 20 sublets in Colorado Springs for next summer. Must have no AC, be unfurnished, and start at $800/month. Bonus if it comes with a few questionable roommates - bonus bonus if one of them is an exsituationship.
Quotes of the Block
I feel bad for computer science majors - their jobs are slowly becoming obsolete.
- Arts History major
“I really just think for a healthy relationship we need to be completely respectful of each other’s boundaries and babe - Saturdays, they just GOTS to be for the boys.
- Worst guy you’re sleeping with
I just don’t think I can ethically participate in this election given what’s going on in Gaza.
- Someone just a littleeee too detached from what’s going on in America
Watching the Olympics this summer was just a surreal experience.
- Bitch who you’re just realizing means they WATCHED the Olympics. Like watched it. Like in Paris. Like live and in person.
Wait so you’re telling me you’ve seen absolutely no autism management and self diagnosis on your FYPs? We don’t think that means anything, right?
- Your most gentle, most oblivious friend
Sports
Thinking about the election? Staying crossed is a definite coping mechanism. And by crossed we mean crosswords! Duh!
Also recreational drugs!
Answers to Last Block’s Crossword
Everything in this paper is completely satirical. While we took inspiration from our campus and the surrounding community, we made up everything here. The quotes, the events, the news: all of it is NOT REAL. Any similarity to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. We have deep respect for the efforts and products of on-campus publications and are privileged to draw inspiration from their work. Thank you for picking up a copy of The Disincentive. We look forward to never talking.
