“... Great comics from truly twisted (and hilarious) minds who’ve left their marks on The Daily Show, Marvel, DC, Spike TV and many, many more.” –Geek Nation “[The Devastator is] the finest printed, best designed, and funniest mini-magazine in Los Angeles – and maybe even the entire country.” –LA I’m Yours “Get your hands on a copy [of The Devastator] and you’ll see … their ideas are fully baked.” –Bleeding Cool
GEOFFREY GOLDEN - Editor-in-Chief AMANDA MEADOWS - Managing Editor RUSSELL LEE - Design Director Contributing Editors: PATRICK BAKER JOHN FORD MICKI GROVER ASTERIOS KOKKINOS LESLEY TSINA LYNNE DONAHUE - Photo Editor LEE KEELER - Assistant Editor REUBEN SAUNDERS - Associate Editor BRYAN WOLFSON - Intern This issue is dedicated to the memory of Stanley the Cat: mascot, cover model and astoundingly fuzzy friend. Copyright © 2012 The Devastator and its Contributors. Cover Art by Andy Ristaino ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No part of this work can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without the permission of the copyright owner, unless such copying is permitted by federal copyright law. First Edition: October 2012 ISBN-13: 978-0-9845838-5-0 ISBN-10: 0-9845838-5-8 devastatorquarterly.com PRINTED IN THE BONNAROO DIY ZINE TENT KOREA The Devastator is a book of satire. All names and characters who appear in this book are fictional and satirical representations. Any similarities between Devastator creations and living persons are purely coincidental. Also, don’t sue us. We have no money!
CONTENTS The Raw Spiel with the Editors American Slacker by R. Sikoryak and Michael Smith Stat Attack! WCCO-FM Coldwater College Radio by Lesley Tsina Scenes from a Used & New Bookstore by Noah Van Sciver American Appalling by Asterios Kokkinos, photo by Lynne Donahue Lil’ Banksies Street Art 4 Kidz by Kenny Keil Service with a Smirk by Lynne Donahue Life Cycle of an Indie Band by Greg Schmidt, art by Jimmy Hasse Portland vs. Portland by Justine Barron Barry’s Time Machine by Micki Grover, art by Matt Taylor Ace of Face by Amanda Meadows, art by Bryan Wolfson Public Radio Superheroes by Marly Halpern-Graser, art by Jojo Ramos Off Target by Patrick Baker, photos by Lynne Donahue Mooreburger by Lee Keeler, art by Scott Gross Mindcracked by Geoffrey Golden, art by Erin Nagy Sex, Lies, and Multi-Cam by John Ford Zine or CAPTCHA by Geoffrey Golden Difficult Crafts by Kevin Pedersen, art by Shing Yin Khor Indiecredulous by Maddox Robocop in: Poetic Justice by Tom Van Deusen Contributors Sponsored: The Magnificent Milam of Lar! by Plastic Lamellar and the Editors, art by Scott Gross Invasion of the Klostermen! by Patrick Baker, Geoffrey Golden, Amanda Meadows, Lesley Tsina cover by Joshua Kemble
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THE RAW SPIEL with the editors
Coachellakazooks, Devastators and Devastatrixes! It’s your favorite comedy magazine Scenester Supremester here — Geoffrey Golden, Editor-in-Chief! This issue, we explore the wily world of indie culture! Fuck the mainstream!!! We’re never gonna “sell out,” though I will gladly sell this magazine to any mega-corporation who gives me a lot of money! Specifically, enough money to pay off the hitman who killed the guy who was dating a lady I fancied last year! B-T-Dubs, you know who hates late payments?! Hitmen!!! Your miraculous Managing Editor, Amanda Meadows, and I are totes stoked that you’re reading this issue way before everyone else has ever heard of it! Get ready to rock out with comics and humor from our glorious headliners: Noah Van Sciver, Maddox, Andy Ristaino and R. Sikoryak! The faux-meat of this vegan comedy magazine sandwich are our delightful D-Team Writers and Artists, who get us into hipster time travel (“Barry’s Time Machine” by Micki Grover, art by Matt Taylor), NPR crime-fighters (“Public Radio Superheroes” by Marly HalpernGraser, art by Jojo Ramos) and Target’s Etsy Store (“Off Target” by Patrick Baker, photos by Lynne Donahue). By the way, consider this an open invitation to visit my new art studio in Echo Park! No, I’m not an artist, and no, the space isn’t legally mine, and no, it’s not technically a “studio!” It’s more like a dilapidated shack behind a pool house near a vacant lot, but as long as I don’t owe you money, feel free to visit!!! Hail Devastator,
Geoffrey Golden Editor-in-Chief
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Can you figure out which facts belong to which utopian Portland? No peeking at the answers, because thatâ€™s not very Portland-y. (Either one.)
Test your knowledge of two of the most desirable and progressive places to live in the United States: Portland, Oregon and Portland, Maine.
Q: Which Portland has 132 days of rain per year? A: Oregon! Maine has 143. Q: Which Portland is 80.2% White (non-Hispanic)? A: Maine! Oregon is 78.6% White (non-Hispanic). Q: Which Portland is known for its microbrew festivals? A: Oregon! Maine is known for its small batch brew festivals. 17
Q: Which majority white city hosts the annual Rock That! Hip-Hop Festival? A: Maine! Oregon hosts the Ethiopian Blues Appreciation Society. Q: Which Portland is known for the catch-phrase “Right on!” A: Oregon! In Maine, the locals say “You got it!” Q: Which Portland is home to the country’s most popular juried kiln-glass competition for emerging artists? A: Oregon! Maine has the most popular juried sustainable quilting competition! Q: In which Portland do you find the famous “Not-Soap Homemade Soap Emporium” featuring bars made out of the water squeezed from recycled hemp? A: Both! They both do! Q: Which Portland conducted the nation’s first wedding between a woman and a drawbridge? A: Maine! In Oregon, you can legally have sex with a public high school.
Bonus Question (worth 3 points) Q: Which of these “best cities” was also voted the “most unhappy city in America,” due to high suicide and unemployment rates. A: Oregon! Maine just seems cold and depressing.
Scoring: 0-1 points: Portland? More like Snort-land! You’re what’s wrong the world. Go back to LA in your BMW and hire someone to hug you. 2-3 points: You get your indie fix in the Whole Foods ethnic section. Go back to your therapist and whine about the end of human society.
4-5 points: What you should’ve scored if you were randomly guessing, mathematically speaking. 6 or more points: You have clearly lived in both Portland, Maine and Portland, Oregon. This makes you The King of Portlands and entitles you to continue receiving unemployment benefits. 18
You might find comment cards at stores in Williamsburg or Silverlake. This feedback is very useful for store owners, who post cell phone pictures of the cards on Tumblr to make fun of you!
COMMENT CARDS FROM INDIE STORES
Help us help you. Select your eating restrictions: Pescatarian Lacto-ovo vegetarian Vegan Vegan who eats bacon when drunk Lactose-intolerant Super Bowl-intolerant Gluten-free Gluten only! All of the above How many workers can a brewery employ and still call its product “craft beer:” Thousands, who cares? Under 50 Under 10 It’s not craft beer unless it’s one guy brewing in the basement while his wife yells at him about “explosions”
Seriously, what is/are: Cheremoyas Dragonfruit Pitayas Jaboticabas Paw Paw
Don’t you wish we also sold ______, just so you wouldn’t have to stop by a regular grocery store, too: Coke Those really good butter crackers they have with cheese plates Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Other:
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The Devastator is a quarterly comedy magazine featuring new works by 30+ renowned and upcoming writers and artists from Conan, The Simpsons,...