The Devastator #3: Cats (Sampler) by The Devastator

#3: Cats

STAFF: Geoffrey Golden - Editor-In-Chief Amanda Meadows - Managing Editor Reuben Saunders - Contributing Editor Russell Lee - Design Director

Copyright ÂŠ 2011 The Devastator and its Contributors. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No part of this work can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without the permission of the copyright owner, unless such copying is permitted by federal copyright law. First Edition: June 2011 ISBN-13: 978-0-9845838-2-9 ISBN-10: 0-9845838-2-3 devastatorquarterly.com Cover Art by Pierre Bernard Jr. & Grace Anderson PRINTED IN THUNDERA CITY KOREA The Devastator is a book of satire. All names and characters who appear in this book are fictional and satirical representations. Any similarities to Devastator creations and living persons are purely coincidental. Also, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t sue us. We have no money! No cats, adorable or otherwise, were harmed in the making of this book.

CONTENTS The Raw Spiel with the Editors Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a Cute Cat World! by Jeffrey Brown Meme Dreams by Patrick Baker, art by Heri Sanchez Hold Me Closer, Charming Cat-Man by Greg Schmidt, art by Jimmy Hasse Fundraiser Danger by John Ford Breeding Rainbow by Lynne Donahue, art by Shing Yin Khor Garish Feline I-VI by R. Sikoryak Hello Pity by Micki Grover I CAN HAS STARDOM? by Geoffrey Golden, art by Erin Nagy Hail to the Cheese by Asterios Kokkinos, art by Grace Anderson Cathair Apocalypse by Scott Gross Cat on a Hot Tin Plate by Amanda Meadows, photo by Lynne Donahue Adventures in Kitty-Sitting by Mike Sacks Animal Instinct by Todd Alcott Cat Got Your Tech? by Phil Haney, art by Orpheus Collar Cat Goes to Work by Becky + Frank Stat Attack: Cat Fancy Magazine by Lesley Tsina Contributors Advertisement: Mewtivational Posters by Renie Rivas, art by Daniel Stone & Robert Iza 400 Reasons to Get Married... to Your Cat! (Reverse) by Geoffrey Golden & Amanda Meadows, photos by Lynne Donahue

1 2 4 7 8 10 12 13 15 18 20 22 25 27 28 30 33 36 38 End!

THE RAW SPIEL with the editors

Catzooks, Devastators and Devastatrixes! It’s your ol’ pal Geoffrey Golden, Editor In Chief, at your service! Unless that service is anything besides making the greatest comedy magazine in the known galaxy! Other services I don’t provide include: physical labor, office work, any job where I must earn an honest living, staying away from cakes, being cordial to non-subscribers, and bending over backwards for pussy! Oh my my! (Meow!) Of course, I’m referring to the stray cat who has been meowing at Devastator HQ’s door all morning! Hey cat, if you want milk so damn much, why don’t you start your own comedy magazine?!? Your magnanimous Managing Editor, Amanda Meadows, and I have been busy beyond belief! For one, we put together the issue you’re holding in your anxious palms, and we’re positively giddy to bring you top talent like Jeffrey Brown, Mike Sacks, and R. Sikoryak; in addition — thanks to my incessant emails and death threats directed at their loved ones — fantastic work from our D-Team writers and artists! That is real cat hair artist Scott Gross collected for his beautifully illustrated “Cathair Apocalypse,” and writer Micki Grover risked her relationship with her strict puritan parents to give us a piece about cybersex with Japanese cartoon characters, called “Hello Pity!” I always tell our contributors, “The Devastator is your family now,” before they sob over the telephone!!! We’ve also been hitting the road! We held a contest at WonderCon and to the right is a photo of our grand prize winner Julia Seals, with yours truly! I can confirm she was somewhat excited to have her picture taken! Next stop: San Diego Comic Con 2011! Visit us in the Small Press section, booth L-05! Or befriend us on Facebook, or tweet about us why doncha?!? Hail Devastator,

QR Code Turbo - Game 9000 Winner Julia Seals and yours truly, ME! at WonderCon

Geoffrey Golden Editor-in-Chief

geoffrey@devastatorquarterly.com twitter.com/getdevastated facebook.com/getdevastated

Sometimes a star shines too brightly, and sometimes a cat flies too close to the sun. Keyboard Cat was both the star and the cat in those metaphors. The YouTube legend will be sorely missed, but his legacy will live on forever, thanks to Rolling Stone.

THE WIN AND FAIL OF KEYBOARD CAT James Donaldson sits in the halogen glow of the kitchen in his ranch-style Philadelphia home. He nervously fidgets with the coffee mug that features a kitten dangling from a branch. The photo’s famously captioned, “Hang in there, baby!” “I wish I could have given him that advice a little earlier,” said Donaldson. “If he’d just been a little easier on himself, he might still be here today.” Fate took its time in shining upon Keyboard Cat. Born into a litter of five in an unassuming West Philly pet shop, the famed orange tabby, then known as Fatso, spent his formative months scratching at posts and playing with string. It wasn’t until James Donaldson threw a toy mouse that landed on a Casio CTK300 that Keyboard Cat made his gift known. The Donaldsons entered Keyboard Cat into local talent shows. Week after week, Keyboard Cat practiced his art in the company of acts like the Greensboro Barbershop Quartet and Nicky, the boy who ate cheese into the shapes of congressional districts. He continued to toil in the local circuit, until talent scout Frank Flannigan saw him at the Duplin County fair. “His act was raw passion, and it needed to be finely tuned,” said Flannigan. “I’d seen it in Mr. Ed, I’d seen it in the Husky that could say ‘I love you,’ and I’d seen it in KC.” With Flannigan’s help, KC enrolled at Julliard. At the age of one, he was the school’s youngest student. He fit in immediately and was the darling of all his professors. “Of all my students without thumbs, he was the most gifted,” said Juilliard Piano Instructor Emmanuel Davis. Though classically trained, KC became a major figure in the New York rock scene. Bands often requested KC play a set with them when they came through New York. Cat Power, the Stray Cats, the Pussycat Dolls, the New Pornographers; Keyboard Cat played with then all. Brian Setzer, front man of the Stray Cats, replays the bootleg tapes from that era wistfully. “This is the best work of my career,” he admitted in an interview, “and it’s not even fully mine. It’s all down to Keyboard Cat. I can’t believe that asshole threw it all away.”

According to KC’s classmates, he banged out his first moneymaker as a joke during a catnip bender. “He never thought Garfield: The Movie would accept an unsolicited score, much less from a cat. He just mailed it as a goof,” said classmate Dana Franklin, who later became Lady Gaga (the other one). The same score was used again in Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties. The royalties rolled in.

But wealth didn’t lighten Keyboard Cat’s burden. In fact, it only brought the darkness closer to the surface. “At first, we didn’t think anything of the catnip. It just seemed like he was celebrating and having a good time,” said classmate Kenny Darling, who later managed to sell the same song to Pink and Gwen Stefani without getting sued. “It wasn’t until the night at Christo’s that I began to think he was out of control.” Artists Christo and Jeanne-Claude had a party at his Upper East Side condo to celebrate the unveiling of their next big project: “The Gates in Central Park.” Christo even set up a preview. Guests were treated to orange Nylon fabric strips hanging all around the very posh party. High on ‘nip, Keyboard Cat tried all night to contain himself, but eventually gave way to his demons. “He began to bat, scratch, and claw at every inch of the fabric,” said Christo. Within 15 minutes he had literally torn the party to shreds. It set the project back a month. “I’ve since stopped being angry with him. I should’ve known better than to invite a cat to a party littered with hanging orange Nylon strips.” ‘Nipping made KC’s music suffer as well. He showed up sporadically to class, and often came to gigs hours late. During rehearsals for the Lincoln Center’s operatic adaptation of Maus, KC arched his back and hissed at director and Juilliard alum Kevin Spacey. He stormed out, but not before using the beaches of Normandy set as a $1.5 million dollar litter box. Nearly all of Keyboard Cat’s time and money went to acquiring “Kitty Krank.” When the money ran low, KC tried to break into Al’s Pets after hours. He was apprehended by the NYPD and charged with cat burglary. After making bail, KC came home to his empty apartment and huffed a massive amount of catnip. His next-door neighbor saved him from drowning after she found him passed out in a saucer of milk. After checking out of the animal ward of the Betty Ford Clinic, Keyboard Cat returned home nearly friendless and penniless. For the rest of his years, KC made a living writing music for organ grinders. The video that remains of Keyboard Cat is from those sessions. The YouTube sensation, taped by KC’s sponsor, is the last known video of the great master after he died last week at the old age of 8. This last image of the genius became synonymous with “fail” in each video that features it. How ironic.

These days, the best way to bring your creative ideas to fruition is to incessantly guilt your friends and family on Facebook about your Kickstarter campaign. Obviously, we would never do that, but as for a certain infamous feline...

FUNDRAISERDANGER

FAT CAT’S KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN

Greetings to you, my economically endowed chums! It’s me, your old friend Fat Cat, with an exciting artistic investment opportunity! For you see, I penned a perfectly provocative new play, Capturing Life: A Dissection of Rodent Heroes. Believe me when I say this one has it all: Razor sharp dialogue! Cutting wit! Explosive action! And a milieu that would make the Marquis de Sade himself smile. Mua-ha-ha! Best of all, it’s a top-notch cast: Chip! Dale! Gadget! Monterrey Jack! Zipper! That’s right, the Rescue Rangers — in what is sure to be the role of their lives, and quite possibly… their deaths! No 3-D technology can replace the thrill and excitement of interactive theatre! So, my credit card-carrying compatriots, with your donation you can condescendingly brag to your friends that while they were out purchasing impossibly tighter pants, you helped produce the play that left all of Broadway breathless! Every penny you donate will be used to acquire the bare necessities to mount my magnificently macabre masterpiece of modern mayhem. Cat’s honor! These bare necessities include: Equipment to snatch our star cast. The Rescue Rangers and I have had our creative differences over the years, and they may be reluctant to work with me again. But with the proper persuasion, a chloroform-soaked acorn or two, and the Verminator 8000 rodent-catching robot, I guarantee they’ll be on stage and in costume come opening night! A performance space. We’re eyeing an old, abandoned sawmill in Brooklyn that would convert quite nicely into a stage. The best part is all the saws are still there! Mua-ha-ha!

PLEDGE $1 OR MORE: Mouse Trapper — We’ll thank you in the playbill… Or should I say slay-bill?

PLEDGE $50 OR MORE: Gumshoe Gouger — All of the above + a producer credit… On the warrant!

PLEDGE $25 OR MORE: Rodent Wrangler — All of the above + cast photo signed by... the Coroner’s office!

PLEDGE $100 OR MORE: Ranger Endangerer — All of the above + your name is worked into the play... When Chip begs you to save him!

Lighting equipment. When you have stars like the Rescue Rangers on stage, you want them well-lit... scorchingly well-lit... on fire! Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha! A Canon 5D Mark II and Final Cut Pro 7. We’d like to eventually submit a tape of the performance to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Yes! Surely you agree that no art form captures the immediacy of life quite like the stage. By donating to this project, you’ll help realize my dream — and the Rescue Rangers’ nightmare! Thank you for donating, and don’t forget to check out my web series, “Fat Cat’s Casino,” airing on my website next month! No spoilers, but it’s a lot like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. PLEDGE $500 OR MORE: Exquisite Exterminator — All of the above + an actual role in the play! You may choose from any of the nonspeaking parts: Acid Dumper #1, Acid Dumper #2, Bone Grinder, Robotic Shark Technician, or Lazar Wolf!

PLEDGE $1000 OR MORE: MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAHA-HA-HA-HA-HA!