The Yowl 11/18/20

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K Atching K Arona: Which Frat You Should Join Next Semester Page Armor House

The Second Wave Issue

November 18, 2020

15 Students Remaining On Campus for Thanksgiving to be Seen Huddling Around a Trashcan Fire, Searching for Other Living Souls Page 18

Understanding Professors Give Zero Extensions, Add 12 Readings Instead Page Moodle Post

First Friday the 13th Since March 13th and It Went Just As Horribly Page 13

This Finals Season Ask Yourself One Question: Is Graduating Worth It? Page Panicked Senior

Students Attempt to Feel Something (Through Outlook?)

T

he Davidson COVID Response Team is leaving a lot to be desired, and CQ is making students find alternate avenues to imminent, crippling loneliness enforced by RA’s who just want the duty phone to stop ringing.

Let’s focus for a second on students’ revolutionizing of Davidson’s campus-wide subscription to Microsoft Outlook.

They’ve redefined what it means to online date in a ~retro chic~ way while maximizing our tuition. An Outlook invite may be the way to capture the attention of the mysterious Instagram-less boy in your philosophy class or the girl who always has her camera off in your Bio class. Just hope they won’t judge your Outlook profile photo that doubled as your fake ID/senior photos from high school when you shoot them that invite. Foolproof, original, and less dehumanizing than dating apps, Outlook could be the platform for you. Hopefully, the T&I guy doesn’t bully you for it the next time you need help with Duo.

“An Outlook invite may be the way to capture the attention of the mysterious Instagram-less boy in your philosophy class or the girl who always has her camera off in your Bio class.”

These restrictions have made people lonely; two weeks in quarantine will do that. Maybe you and your girlfriend just broke up, or just maybe your mom didn’t hug you tight enough when you were a child. Life feels bleak. COVID cases are rising, Trump is still denying the election results, and the cute med school guy you looked forward to sticking that swab up your nose every week wasn’t there today. The highlight of your week is driving to Huntersville to buy a tray from Cook-Out. The once juicy, buttery, crispy, and tender Commons chicken nuggets now feel as if they crumble into sawdust in your mouth.

Even so, amidst all the doom and gloom of the world, Davidson students made meaning for themselves. Nummit is vibrant. You probably overheard at least one first date there this semester! Though you have a net loss of masks from leaving them in that guy’s room who you’ve been consistently seeing (‘cuz scary COVID) but are NOT dating (‘cuz commitment is scarier), you have a bunch of his shirts AND a pretty sizeable collection of disposable masks from him. Plus, this semester’s monotony gave you the courage to reach out to people you never would have talked to before. The Moodle post from that cool guy in your religion class you “agree with so much!” and found “so interesting!” stirred your dead heart into realizing romance lives on.

We’ve all learned a valuable lesson this year; nothing is

certain. So live like it’s Friday the 13th, and you just learned you’re being sent home (because we are): sleep in that extra hour, say “thank you” to your professor on Zoom (because they feel the deafening silence when they ask a question way more than you).

Better yet, try something really wild just for the thrill of it: say “I love you” to your professor as you’re logging off of Zoom. You then have two choices: wait around and see their reaction, or log off immediately and wait for the inevitable Outlook date invite to hit your inbox. Regardless, we here at The Yowl™ are sure that you will witness magnificent results.

We wish you the best and hope that you have a safe and happy holiday season, ‘Cats.

Stresses Beyond Measure? 13 Ways to Cope With Finals

Random, but Totally Valid, Thoughts

1. Get in touch with your body! Collect your belly button lint and see how quickly it grows back. Try it with a friend while they’re not paying attention.

2. Glue googly eyes onto bits of string cheese and photograph them in dirty poses.

3. Disguise yourself as an old man and murder your wife’s suitors.

4. Find a partner and try this modern breathing exercise: Put your nose in your partner’s mouth.

Ensure there’s a tight seal. Breathe in through your nose, causing air to be sucked through your partner’s nose, through his mouth, and into your lungs. Switch every few minutes.

5. Play a fun game! Try eating a bagel without having it touch your feet.

6. Do some writing! It doesn’t have to be creative, in fact you can just copy down your social security number a few times on a notecard.

7. Call your parents! If you forgot what your social security number is, this would be a great time to ask.

8. Go on a walk! To the post office, say, and while you’re there, mail your notecard to the following address: 207 Agzybirilik Street, Ashgab-

Disclaimer: this article is in no way related to Davidson.

The Star Spangled Banner! Am I right? It’s just so -- stupid. I mean, no, if we’re going to talk about sexual intercourse, we’re going to have to start at the very beginning: Francis Scott Key. What a character! I mean, if you’re going to sing a song about a rocket’s red glare, at least tell us which one it was. I am completely convinced that he cared only about the words rhyming and not about the inquiries from The People...kind of ironic because this silly little tune is literally for The People. Anyway, what do we think? Shakesprease: Gay or Nay? I’m thinking he was a little bit on the flamboyant side to be honest. What do we think about Obama? Maybe a little gay.

Anyway, the sexuality spectrum is not the point! The point is at the top of the triangle, of which is the emblem to the illuminati. Yeah, Zendaya isn’t real...lol. She only works in conjunction with the devil to spew out bad acting to the English-speaking people. Personally, I think her performance on Disney Channel’s original Shake it Up was exceed-

at, Turkmenistan.

9. Try this ancient Buddhist breathing technique: breathe in, and then out, and then repeat until you cease to be.

10. Repeat the word “golf” until language reveals itself to be what it truly is.

11. Wipe the sweat from your eyes. It’s getting dark now and the mosquitos are coming out.

Their larvae spasm in the putrid water at your feet, but you drink it anyway. Afterall, they’re family to you now: your blood flows through them, and their desire for blood flows through you. Everything else— the kids, the mortgage, miss America​—​is a forgotten kink.

12. Listen. It takes you a moment to recognize the sound of laughter, and another to recognize that it’s coming from children. There are lights on strings in the valley below.

13. Quiet now. You crawl through the buffalo filth that lines the town, towards a man your father’s age who’s pissing on a fence and singing to himself. As you strangle the life from him, your new family sinks into your arms in orgiastic delight.

14. Take a bubble bath!

ingly better executed than her role as a bipolar drug addict in HBO’s new original Euphoria.

Talk about the scene where she bangs on her dealer’s door begging for more drugs; it kind of reminded me of Lele Pons infamous “falling” scenes in all of her YouTube skits: an attempt at a dramatic effect that ultimately turns into untimely comedy.

Anyways, I don’t really want to talk about Zendaya anymore, and frankly I don’t want to keep writing this article; I am just too busy having sex. Have fun being a virgin for the rest of your life. Lol. I’m just kidding. These are the “off-camera” conclusions to my unfinished thoughts: Francis Scott Key was a total hottie, and I am pretty sure he was the first person ever to have sex; Shakespeare is totally gay because straight men don’t have the mental capacity to expand on abstract ideas; Obama might be a little gay (this one is primarily inconlusive); and Zendaya is totally over-hyped for no reason. Okay, now back to sex I go with my hot, Francis Scott Key look-a-like boyfriend.

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4 | The Yowl

Do Athletes Know They Breath Through Their Noses?

O

f the seemingly hundreds of student research studies that students were invited to participate in this semester, sent to us from the one and only Brent Maher, one specific study caught The Yowl’sTM eye. The question posed: Do athletes know that they do in fact breathe through their nose in addition to their mouths? The YowlTM contacted the student in charge of this study, athletic health expert Sue P. Ority-Complex ‘21, for comment on this research endeavor. They commented that the President’s office sponsored the study after getting hundreds of reports of athletes wearing the masks improperly. The infractions? It seems that wearing a mask right under your nose instead of over it is a common theme among our

“If you are an athelete who suffers from neck gaiter slippage or slippage of the puffy black Underarmor masks, consider signing up to be interview” most athletically inclined. Rather than reprimand them for this infraction, the Dean of Students Office in collaboration with the Athletic Department launched a study into why this was the case.

Preliminary results from the study were just released and show that out of the 250 athletes

pass on those macho genes to their offspring? Do they actually not breathe through their noses because of excessive practicing in a time when no one is really having any meets or games? More studies need to be done in this area but it is a good starting point for anyone interested in possibly attaining a research grant from Dean Rusk (hit us up if you need help with the application, we have sure-fire way to phrase it so you get all the money you need for this very real study).

“We’re sure your nose is super pretty, but we really just don’t want to see it <3” - Noners

that were stopped and asked, “Do you know that you also breathe through your nose,” all but 24 of them said “no.” It is important to note two things: That the 24 athletes that answered “yes” were members of the Track and Field team (the arguably only acceptable team on campus).

All swimmers were excluded from the study as they only know how to breathe underwater and therefore would have inaccurate answers to the question at hand.

The Social Bubble: the Davidson Experience

Let’s just talk about HIV/AIDS for a minute.

Oh boy does it suck to have that little number!

Anyway, let’s move onto social constructs at Davidson. Everyone here functions according to five different standards: 1) the popular girl from high school who does drugs to replace her personality, 2) the gay theatre kid who rides a bike to Summit every three days, 3) the pastor’s daughter that abides by the Christian church (particularly that of the Latter Day Saints), 4) the athlete who’s not smart but not entirely stupid and 5) the overly nice granola girl who’s all too much to handle.

Aside from the stark divides these five functionalities create, they all live and breed within an absurdly suffocating expanse: a social bubble.

What is a social bubble? It is an extremely complex and nuanced compilation of social hierarchies and groundless judgements, of which have permanently evolved into hazy restrictions of the mind. These invisible force fields are embedded in every one of us, almost like a sensory blockade, a fuzzy blindness. These hindrances are what make your appearance, your social status, your romantic life (and the like) the most important things in the world. For example, if someone was to bark really loudly in the middle of a crowded cafeteria, people would deem this person as socially unfit. Little do they know that this person was me, and it was a test to see how many people are disgusted when they experience things that exceed their bubble’s boundaries.

It’s a sticky subject, really. The people who need to look beyond this invisible line are the

The

Yowl

New Optional Course on WebTree

people who are blind to it. The problem of these boundaries is how they give life meaning where life is essentially meaningless. At the bane of our existence is just a brain, a structure of neurons that drives our emotional auras. To live a full life is to nourish the framework that nurtures our emotions, and this is ultimately neutralized by our subtle submissiveness to the social bubble. So, when I dress up as Ronald Reagan for the sexual thrill, it is only because it makes me happy: the feeling that nourishes my body and makes my soul free. Now, I know that the end of time will certainly outlast me, but, because of this awareness, my time will certainly outlast and outshine those of whom are overtaken by the bubble.

I know I have only mentioned five social standards particular to Davidson. There are boundless others elsewhere; these are just some of the ways that Davidson is bubble-fied. Now, if you didn’t take much away from this unorganized spiel, at least remember that it is important to find our social restrictors, to deconstruct them, and then to satisfy our newly unbounded bodies. Maybe you can start by doing a small barking session in a crowded area or criticizing religious practices through a megaphone at a church service. Or maybe just fuck around and contract HIV/AIDS (again?). Lol. Have fun with your new life.

Writers Charlie, Son of God Hail Mary Amelia Bedelia Don’t Give Us Any ‘BS’ Johovis Witness You’ve Gotta be Schmittin’ Be Sully Sullivan

The preliminary data is showing exactly what we all knew: they do not understand basic biology and do not care to learn about it either. There is an alternative hypothesis to that posed above, that being, because all athletes breathe very heavily when running or exerting, that breathing through their mouths allows for more air intake. This makes sense. So essentially all athletes are mouth breathers, which leads to the question, could this be evolutionarily advantageous if they want to

If you are an athlete who suffers from neck gaiter slippage or slippage of the puffy black Under Armour masks, consider signing up for a slot to be interviewed, as this study is still in progress.

There will even be a random prize drawing for one participant to win a $25 Summit gift card and the chance to be the next President of the college.

The YowlTM will continue to follow this monumental research and will continue to provide updates when they become available.

Many students at Davidson have struggled to fill out WebTree before, but the registrar’s office never realized that “939 students” would go so far as to not enter in a single course before WebTree was due. This left many school officials with a near heart attack. But after a kindly worded email was sent to students asking them to get their sh*t together, officials returned to doing whatever it is you do as a registrar? They then went to bed that night knowing they’d wake up the next day to every student having filled out their course requests.

They were wrong.

On the morning of Tuesday, November 10th, there were over 400 hundred students who had not entered a single course into their WebTree.

Officials thought this must have been a fluke in the system. Maybe those were all the students who had decided to take a semester off at home and were still included in the statistics? Or maybe it was all first years. Sadly, neither were true.

From what we at The YowlTM have been able to figure out, there was an even distribution of students from every grade and major who had not entered any requests yet. One poli sci major reports to have been “overwhelmed with stress from the election.” They went on to request an extension on submitting their WebTree to find out “that is not how it works.” Other students claimed to have not received their PINs yet from their advisors; some said they make better choices under pressure, and one theater major planned on “rolling a dice to pick my classes; I think fate will make things work out.” An econ major overheard this and prepared a chart to figure out the likelihood of getting an ideal schedule through

dice rolling. Fun fact, the econ major reports that dice rolling may be a more effective method of getting your ideal schedule. Apparently, if you’re not a senior going into your last semester, then there is a good chance WebTree is going to screw you over like a bad Week of Champions hook up. Either way, you’re left with either an STD or Art History. We here at The YowlTM aren’t sure which we’d prefer.

“I personally plan on trying dice rolling next semester,” Ben Dover ‘21 said. “This past semester, I filled out my Webtree the day it opened as a way to maximize the likelihood of getting my ideal schedule. I only got three classes. One of them was ‘World Theater History.’ I now understand why Nietzche famously said ‘God is Dead’ and am considering switching to a philosophy major.”

However, the registrar’s department still has hope for the world and is now going to be offering a new course titled ‘WebTree: Mother F*** Bureaucracy.’ The course is going to be offered through the Center for Interdisciplinary Studies and taught by various professors who are also Davidson alumni. The readings will consist of personal affidavits from students who were disappointed with their own WebTree experiences.

Various examples include, but are not limited to: one dyslexic student mixing up the last two numbers on all of their course requests resulting in them only signing up for GSS classes, one student somehow only getting courses from their third tree, and one student’s ex stealing their PIN and editing all their course requests 30 minutes before they were due.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

The Real Stereotypes of Each Eating House

“Maybe She’s Born With It, Maybe It’s The Yowl.”

–– Editors trying to convince themselves they’re still funny

Turner: ya gay Warner: you secretly gay Rusk: pray the gay away Connor: sports!

“Though each house may seem different, down to their cores it’s just a bunch of white people who want to pay to have friends and eat Commons food.”

Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth.