Issue 7.1
Tune in to the Wizarding Wireless Network (KLSU) at 5:20 p.m. for a special report about Peeves sightings
Friday, Nov. 19, 2010
Martindore to join Hogwarts as headmaster Rita Skeeter Chancellor Michael Martin is leaving LSU’s stately oaks, broad magnolias and inspiring halls behind for moving paintings, whizzing broomsticks and a Chamber of Secrets as he takes on the position of headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Martin announced news of his decision via a Floo Network press conference Thursday, citing a host of reasons for his choice to take the headmaster job, including his passion for hippogriffs and the personal-hygiene habits of the wizarding world. “People outside the Muggle world are much more accepting of excessive facial hair, and I’ve always
found I do my best work with a beard of at least two feet,” Martin said. But Martin’s tenure at the magical school won’t be all eccentric beards and Quidditch matches. Much like the University, Hogwarts is undergoing tough financial times as the Ministry of Magic has recently slashed galleons upon galleons of the school’s budget. Because of monetary woes, Martin will take the reins of Hogwarts amid large program reductions. To combat budget cuts, Hogwarts has recently eliminated upper-level Muggle Studies courses and called upon school ghosts and house elves who are willing to teach courses without pay. Martin said before arriving at the castle, he plans to send an owl
to each student and faculty member asking what each sees as Hogwarts’ most important priorities. Some students have ideas about things Martin could do to solve the budget issues. “I hope he cuts the potions program,” said Zelda Wilchenstein, herbology second year. “If I never saw a cauldron again in my life, it would be too soon.” But Martin said he is confident the school’s passion for magic and his enthusiasm for the job will make it easier to deal with the budget crisis. “I want to arrive at Hogwarts with my best wand forward,” he said.
Betty Braithwaite
Raising Cane’s mascot renamed ‘Fluffy’
Students will find a special treat on their next weekend trip to Hogsmeade — a new location of Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers. The popular franchise is expanding to the wizarding village just outside the Hogwarts grounds, and with the new location comes a new mascot — Fluffy, the threeheaded dog. “We expect Cane’s made with magic to be three times as good, so we thought our mascot needed three times the heads,” said Aberforth Dumbledore, barkeep at The Hog’s Head and manager of the new Cane’s location. Making Fluffy the face of the Hogsmeade Cane’s was an important part of the negotiations, according to Rubeus Hagrid, Hogwarts gamekeeper and Care of Magical Creatures instructor. “It’s summat we thought abou’ fer a long time,” Hagrid said. “I ‘spect people are gonna love lil’ Fluffy. They’ll be eatin’ lot o’ Cane’s with such a cute mascot.” Plenty of wand waving will be incorporated into the restaurant’s operations, according to Sylvester McGibbons, quality specialist for the Raising Cane’s wizarding branch. The company recruited Hogwarts charms
MARTIN, see page 9 3/4 professor Filius Flitwick to help produce the famous Cane’s sauce. “We’ve charmed the school’s cauldrons to self-produce Cane’s sauce during every full moon,” Flitwick said. “It took some complex incantations. During our first few attempts, the sauce kept coming out tasting like Bubotuber pus.” A grand opening for the restaurant is planned for this weekend. The extravaganza will include a demonstration by the Dueling Club and a performance by chart-topping band The Weird Sisters.
FLUFFY, see page 9 3/4
University mascot revealed to be animagus Dempster Wiggleswade In an event unpredicted even by Sybil Trelawney herself, the University’s live tiger mascot, Mike VI, was revealed to be an animagus Thursday afternoon. According to Ministry of Magic employee Arthur Weasley, sixth-year student Mike Tobias was trapped as a tiger after performing a botched animagus enchantment, which has kept him frozen in his animal state since Aug. 25, 2007. Tobias celebrated the
Wizengamot approves wages for house elves Barnabas Cuffe After years of passionate debate, the high wizard court — the Wizengamot — has reached a decision on the complicated civil rights struggle for house elves. The landmark ruling calls for house elves to be compensated for their work, bringing an end to centuries of unpaid labor. Hermione Granger, head litigator for the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, said she was ecstatic about the ruling following her revelation via his Twitter account Thursday. “I’m finally free!” Tobias tweeted. “Tweeting will be much easier without my big paws.” Tobias said he tried repeatedly to alert his caretakers and visitors to his identity when first encaged but eventually grew to enjoy his life as a tiger. “I’m shocked. I always thought Mike was a very interactive and lively tiger,” said Janet Footscray, who cared for Mike for extra credit in care of magical creatures. “But I would think you were Confunded if you told me he was actually a person.”
years of work on the issue, which began with her founding of the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare, or S.P.E.W., during her time at Hogwarts. “It’s so gratifying to finally see elves get the equality they deserve,” Granger said. “I’ll feel so much better next time I eat a delicious meal at The 459 prepared by a house elf.” But the unique disposition of house elves were factored into the Wizengamot’s decision, Granger said. “There is a provision in the ruling that states any house elf may continue to work for free if they so choose,” she said. “But I sincerely hope they will all take the pay they deserve.”
Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes Why are you worrying about You-Know-Who? You should be worrying about U-No-Poo. The consipation sensation that’s gripping the nation!