We couldn’t come up with anything clever for April Fools’, so we thought maybe you could. Tweet your ideas @thegamecock.
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS’ DAY!
VOL. LOUD, NO. WAY ● SINCE AMERICA
MONDAY, MARCH 32, 2013
Pastides gets big bonus ... in Bonus Bucks President: ‘Ain’t nobody got time for that’ Moore Money, Moore Problems NEWZ@DAILYGAMECOCK.COM
USC President Harris Past ides received a $50,000 bonus Friday — his third pay increase in a year — but this one came with a twist. The catch: It’s all in Bonus Bucks. “We just wanted to reward our president for his leadership through some tough times for the university,” said Gene Warr, t he chairman of USC’s board of trustees. “And nothing says ‘good job’ like a Double Doozie at the Great American Cookie Company or some waffle fries at Chick-fi l-A.” The bonus represents t he t hird increase to Pastides’ pay this year after he received two raises last fall that took his base pay to $724,000.
A nd Past ides said t hat while he appreciated the gesture, he had one qualm. “Don’t get me wrong — I’m excited about splurging on a banana boat at Marble Slab,” he said. “But really, this stuff expires at the end of the semester? W hat’re t hey gonna do next? Pay me in Carolina Cash?” Adv isers close to Past ides sa id they’d told him he needed to start frequenting Russell House eateries “right away” if he would get close to using the bonus, which was funded with Bonus Bucks st udents hadn’t managed to get rid of. Past ides sa id he hoped to g ive some of that money back to students, saying, “It’s kind of ridiculous that it doesn’t roll over to the next semester. I mean, really?” That effort began in earnest Sunday afternoon, as Pastides was spotted handing out cook ie cake slides to
passersby near t he Grand Market Place. “A nyone? Please? W hat do you guys want, a Crunchwrap Supreme or something?” Pastides asked with growing frustration. “Here, just take my CarolinaCard.” He’ll cont inue to pass h is card around in a campaign t hat’s been dubbed “No Really, It’s on Me.” “As Gamecocks, there are no limits to what you can buy with my card,” Pastides said. “Seriously, just go for it.” A noted pizza aficionado, Pastides he “could probably” start going to Pandini’s more often. “ I m e a n , t h at p l a c e i s p r e t t y overpriced. And their pizza will do, I guess,” he said as his voice trailed off. “But that’s still like, what, 5,000 pizzas? A in’t nobody got t ime for that.” Cookie Cake Swag
PRESIDENT Courtesy of good ol’ Harry
Y’all, there’s a whole bunch of Bonus Bucks on this here card.
Finally, a Twitter for that undercover hunk in Five Points For account’s founders, M-I-P spells forbidden love (they hope) Happy Birthday! NEWZ@DAILYGAMECOCK.COM
Nick Nalboner / THE
Student Body President Chase Mizzell tripped over a brick Friday, and he’s been pretty down in the dumps ever since.
Mizzell: USC’s really just something ‘eh’ Student body president trips over brick, slips into existential crisis over campaign slogan Ellis Island NEWZ@DAILYGAMECOCK.COM
It all started when Chase Mizzell tripped over a brick on the Horseshoe while giving a tour of campus Friday. That was the tipping point for the new student body president , who, in a specially called news conference over t he weekend, reversed his widely promoted campaign slogan, “Be a Part of Something Great.” “I’ve been doing some thinking, and, y’know, this place is really just something ‘eh,’ at best,”
Mizzell said. “You know it, and I know it. And are they ever going to do something about those bricks? Y’all, that was embarrassing.” Dropping his normally cheerful demeanor and loosening his bow tie, Mizzell said he had felt pressured by campaign staff to push the “something great” platform, and sometimes he didn’t fully buy into it himself. “ We’re not fool i ng a nybody a ny more,” Mizzell said. Mizzell cited a sizable list of the university’s mediocrities: long lines at Russell House on Ch icken Fi nger Wed nesday s, Colu mbia’s unbearably humid climate, the baseball team’s four recent SEC losses and “those [explicative]
We’ve all been there. You’re down in Five Points getting your Friday night on, and you happen to make eye contact with some hunk standing in the corner. By the looks of it, they’re eyeing you up, too. You go to make your move, and the fi rst words they say to you are, “Can I see your ID?” Busted. You fell for an undercover cop. And because you’re underage, you get kicked out of the bar. In front of all your friends. Which is awkward. But, whatever. It’s cool. YOLO. But now that you think about it, there was totally a love connection between you and that undercover cutie. And with the help of a newly created Twitter account called @UndercoverCrushes, you can tell those underage-boozer busters exactly how you feel. The anony mous account puts the power in Tw it ter users’ hands when it comes to expressing their true feelings to those who almost arrested them that one time. The two anonymous founders said they do not want their identities revealed and would only share that they love undercover cops and always will as long as they both shall live and no one can change that because they “can love whoever [they] want, OK?!” “We got the idea for the account one night after I cannon-balled into the deep blue eyes of a seemingly college-aged specimen as he was putting me in handcuffs,” said one of the founders, henceforth referred to as Founder 1.
‘EH’ ● 2
TWEETS ● 2
USC: Y’know what? Let’s just ban everything already ‘Fat free’ policy widely rejected, but whatevs Kidney Patterson NEWZ@DAILYGAMECOCK.COM
A fter months of debate s u r rou nd i n g a t ob ac c o b a n o n campus, USC’s branching out. Starting today, USC will go “fat free” as well as “tobacco free.” All soft drinks and food containing more t ha n 10 0 c a lor ie s w i l l be removed from campus in an effort to promote healthy food choices. “We started t hink ing about it after a Daily Gamecock editorial mentioned the calorie-ridden meals at Chick-f il-A and Pizza Hut,” a source in Healthy Carolina said. “We thought, ‘Y’know, they’re right.
Plz don’t get cold again 76°
Jk, it totes will 1°
Those are prett y unhealt hy, and we’re really not about that.’” A s a resu lt of t he new ba n, a nu mber of on- ca mpus d i n i ng faci l it ies a re closi ng, i nclud i ng Burger K ing and the Mein Bowl . Garden Toss, the salad bar in the Grand Market Place, will remain open. T he p ol ic y w i l l a l s o re qu i re students to log at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. “If they have to drop a class or two to hit the Strom (Thurmond Wellness and Fitness Center) more often, that’s what they’ll have to do,” university spokesman Wes Hickman said. Ten physical education classes will also be added to the new Carolina Core immediately, Hickman said.
This could prevent second-semester seniors from graduating on time, but being healthy and fit is more important than that, officials said. Healt hy Carolina performed a survey to gauge student opinion of the new policy. None of the 4,000 respondent s suppor ted t he ba n, though university officials said that wouldn’t be an issue. “ T he t ob a c c o b a n i s a g o o d example of t he u niversit y doing what’s best for students no matter what t hey want,” H ick man said. “ W it h t h is, we’re ju st goi ng to have to force good choices on our students.” The university is also considering dif ferent sanct ions for v iolat ing the new policy. Like USC’s class at tenda nce polic y, st udent s w ill
b e s ubje c t t o aut o m at ic g r ade reductions if they miss more than 10 percent of required exercise time in a semester. As with the “Tobacco Free USC” initiative, opponents of the ban have asked how the university plans to enforce the new policy. Check-in systems at the Strom Thurmond Wellness and Fit ness Center and Blatt P.E. Center will be used to tally student visits. If students choose to exercise outside of the gym, it won’t count toward their total time for the day. I n order to accom modate t he universit y’s approximately 30,000 st udent s, t he new Da rla Moore School of Business will be used as BANS ● 2
Clowney plays ball
Nickelback is the greatest band to ever come to America from Canada. Y’all just ignorant.
Columnist Karl Marx says forks are dangerous weapons in the hands of citizens and should be outlawed.
Get him some peanuts and Cracker Jacks because Jadeveon is set to play a weekend of baseball this spring.
See page %
See page ^.^
See page 27-17
Monday, March 32, 2013
In Brief. Editor’s note: Today’s briefs come from actual press releases that were actually sent to The Daily Gamecock. We’re not really sure why. Please make it stop.
Jamaican wins online school’s scholarship Ashworth College , a self-described “leading online accredited school,” has awarded its 2013 ACCESS scholarship to a student from Jamaica, it announced recently. Rose Johnson, of St. Ann, Jamaica, won the $25,000 award, which was established in 2011. Born into a family of seven children, Johnson is studying child care. “I w ill uphold my side of t he bargain by studying hard and getting honorable grades,” Johnson said in a release. By press time, it wasn’t clear how competitive the ACCESS scholarship was.
Florida company wins Anti-abortion group rails against ‘Birdcage’ event payments award at Harvard Columbia Christians for Life didn’t much care for the Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian and Straight Alliance’s 15th annual “Birdcage” drag show, it announced in a release. The conservative anti-abortion group questioned the event, which it described as “pro-sodomy” and “perverse” as well as whether or not taxpayers should fund USC, which re-imagined as the “UniPerversity of Sodomy in Carolina.” “Immoral men and women, including fornicators, adulterers, sodomites, and lesbians, are no friends of America,” the group wrote in the release. “Neither are they which destroy their unborn children, committing child-murder by ‘abortion.’”
Bonita Springs, Fla.-based CSI Enterprises Inc. pulled down an entrepreneurial prize at the pymnts.com Innovation Project , according to a release. The competition included “some of the most notable executives and brands in the payments industry.” Also, according to the release, there are “notable executives and brands in the payments industry.” C SI E nter pr i se s won for it s mobi le app “globalVCard,” which is an instant pay ment system between phones. The award was presented before a packed Sanders Theater on the campus of Harvard University.
—Compiled by Seymour Butz —Compiled by I. C. Wiener
—Compiled by Amanda Huginkiss
Crime Blotter The blotter doesn’t come from police reports released by the USC Division of Law Enforcement and Safety, and you’d better believe it doesn’t include crimes reported by city or county law enforcement.
Reports for March 24 to March 32 Fake/other ID use — 7 Drunkenness — 12 Drug/narcotics violation — 420 Harassment/threats/intimidation — 12 Assault/simple assault — 6 Trespass — 37 Larceny/theft from building — 7
— Officers responded to multiple calls about shouting and loud banging in Bates House late Friday night. When they arrived at the residence hall, they found a “satanic ritual” setup in the second-f loor bathroom, including a pentagram painted in what was reported as “possible animal’s blood.” The officers found four residents going door to door trying to fi nd residents to join the ceremony they had planned, but no residents would open their doors or respond to the group of men. The four smelled heavily of alcohol and goat’s blood, and attempted to run away from the officers. Once caught, they were arrested for vandalism and disorderly conduct.
Vandalism — 5 and a half Larceny of moped — 69 Larceny/all other — 2 Drug equipment violations — also 420
The Daily Gamecock on
— Pol ice were c a l led i n re sp on se to a n altercation between two students on the Pickens Street Bridge Wednesday. A student was bicycling through a heavy crowd of students when another student pushed the bicyclist off his bicycle instead of moving out of the way. The pedestrian then BANS ● Continued from 1
TWEETS ● Cont. from 1
a gym, too. USC is also planning to build another gym on top of the parking lots outside the Carolina Coliseum. “Parking is for people who use cars, and that means those people aren’t exercising enough,” said Jessica Johnston, the director of Healthy Carolina. “And we plan to change that.”
The account started out with fewer than 10 followers Friday night, but 20 minutes later, it had reached more than 10,000. “At fi rst, we thought that we were the only ones who felt this way about those brave souls who plague our hearts and criminal records,” said the other founder, a self-described “u ndercover lover” henceforth referred to as Founder 2. “We now know that we are by no means alone.” W hile neither f ou nder k now s how word spread so quickly, they’re doing the best they can to respond to t he cr ushes of ot her cop-lovers of the world. “So far, we’ve been check ing the account once every 15 minutes,”
forcibly removed the bicyclist’s helmet and threw it from the bridge. When an officer arrived, the two were shouting at and shoving each other. The officer cited the pedestrian for assault and destruction of property. — Police were called to Capstone House early Thursday morning after a female resident found an unknown male laying in her bathtub. When she asked him to move, he did not respond, save for random bursts of singing that woke up the resident’s neighbors. When she stepped out of the bathroom to call the police, the man ran out of the room and down the stairs. After searching the stairwell and nearby floors, the man was nowhere to be found. Briefs don’t include a single incident from the last week, and suspects are presumed innocent until proven guilty, but man, they allegedly did some ridiculous nonsense.
Fou nder 1 said. “We d o n’t w a n t t o m i s s anything, especially if it’s about a cop that we fancy for ourselves.” St i l l , t he ac c ou nt h a s it s c r it ic s , w ho have cited its incessant t weets promoting Five Points bars and St udent Government campaigns. “I really wish they’d quit that,” one student t weeted. “ I f I c a red about @OvertimeCola o r A l e x Wa e l d e ’s v ice president ial b i d , I ’d f o l l o w @ DrinkingTicket.” A sked about t he purpose of the account, the founders appeared weirded out a nd de cl i ned to g ive st ra ight for ward answers, leading this repor ter to bel ieve they started it to land themselves dates with undercover cops. Also,
‘EH’ ● Continued from 1 bricks.” Sources close to M izzell said they suspect the pressure of his duties has been wearing him down recently, causing him to lose his once-i m mut able opt i m ism a nd otherwise act out of character. “I noticed it when he stopped trying to meet three people every day on the way to class these past couple weeks,” Vice President Ryan Bailey said. “He just hasn’t seemed like himself. But I’ve got to say, those bricks really are rough, and a threat to student safety. Can’t we get those worked on?” W h ile Bailey said he ex pect s M i z z e l l t o r e g a i n c o mp o s u r e quick ly, others have hinted that if Mizzell wasn’t able to fulfi ll his presidential duties, they’d consider
they might be stalking aforementioned undercover cops. “What? We’re totally not doing this just so I can live happily ever after with Bruce — I mean, the police officers of our dreams even though we don’t k now who t hey a re or where they live or what their wives’ and girlfriends’ names are,” Founder 2 said. “That’s defi nitely not it. Nope. No motive here. I have t he r ight to rem a i n silent!” Bot h fou nder s a re u n s u re of wh at w i l l come next for t he account, but t hey do not t h i n k t he y w i l l be revealing t heir i d e nt it i e s a n y t i m e soon. “ It ’s on ly wei rd if t he y k now who you are,” Founder 1 said. Meatball sub.
stepping in. Former presidential candidate Josh “Otter” Moore said he feels con f ident he wou ld be able to handle the stress of the presidency. He also said he was not surprised at Mizzell’s platform reversal. “I’ve always thought this place was more or less ‘eh.’ At least I’ve always been honest with myself and everyone else about it,” Moore said. Mizzell, though, said he would continue to carry out his duties, but his administration will now strive for less lofty goals. “We can’t just turn something ‘eh’ into something great,” Mizzell said, slumping over a pot of strong cof fee Su nday even ing w it h an untied bow tie hanging limply from his neck. “It just won’t happen.” Strawberries aren’t really berries.
Monday, March 32, 2013
Next semester’s hottest classes Maxwell Bauman NEWZ@DAILYGAMECOCK.COM
Choosing what classes work into your schedule can always be a hair-pulling experience, so The Daily Gamecock has searched through USC’s upcoming course catalogue and found some winners worth signing up for:
George Hinchcliffe / THE
Hope you weren’t tryna get your drank on at Gibbes Green, ‘cause news flash: I wouldn’t count on it these days.
USC bans drinking, everyone leaves for UGA Students makin’ hooch in their dorm rooms as black market emerges To Coyne a Phrase NEWZ@DAILYGAMECOCK.COM
In a move intended to make applicants and parents see USC as a safe campus for underage students, the university announced Thursday it would completely ban alcohol from campus. C o m e f a l l , a l l a lc o h o l o n university grounds — including t a i lg at i ng a rea s su r rou nd i ng Williams-Brice Stadium that are university-owned — will be banned, regardless of the consumer’s age. By Friday, nearly 75 percent of rising sophomores, juniors and seniors had notiﬁed the registrar’s of f ice t hey wou ld not be reenrolling for the fall semester. While the fate of all of these soon-to-be former Gamecocks isn’t known, admissions officers at t he Un iversit y of G eorg ia reported they’d received nearly 15,000 transfer applications from USC students between Thursday afternoon, when the alcohol ban was announced, and Friday afternoon. “It’s really staggering,” UGA
Transfer Admissions Counselor Bethany Young said. “We’ve never had this many transfer applications, let alone in one day.” Students staying on campus said they were making new plans to continue an old tradition. A lready, Friday af ternoon a handf ul of st udents said t hey i nt e n d e d t o s t a r t d i s t i l l i n g moonshine in their dorm rooms, and a black market was beginning to emerge for st ills and ot her equipment. No one involved agreed to speak on the record because of the nature of the topic. “This really hasn’t happened in some time at the university,” said Phyllis Mullins, a leading university historian. “Like, the last time students were making hooch, the Great Depression was a thing.” Students — both staying on c a mpu s a nd le av i ng — were outraged at the new alcohol policy. Cu rrent r u les do not rest rict drinking at tailgates for those of legal age and allows alcohol in residence halls if everyone in the room is of legal drinking age. “I live in East Quad, and two of my roommates are 20, so I have to keep my beer in my bedroom. We could all be ﬁned if I was the only one drinking in the living room.
I mean, I thought that was sort of silly,” third-year business student Peter Powell said. “But this? I just can’t.” Powell is one of the thousands of students who have applied to transfer to UGA in the fall. “Realist ically, how ca n you enjoy SEC football without a good tailgate?” Powell said. “I don’t think there’s any other way.” Admitted students have also begun withdrawing their deposits for the fall semester. “I applied to USC because I wanted the traditional Southern college experience. I don’t know if I can get that if I don’t fall on my face in the fraternity lots once a week every fall,” said Bailey Brooks, a senior at nearby Dreher High School. Bro ok s h a s w it hd r aw n her deposit at USC, and she’s chosen to attend the University of Florida and cites the alcohol policy as her deciding factor. Admissions officers declined to comment on the record about the policy’s effect on USC’s enrollment. “We’ll be better off without those hooligans anyway,” one counselor said on condition of anonymity.
Healthy Carolina Farmers Market
Held on Tuesdays March 19th through April 23rd from 10 a.m. - 2 p.m. on Greene Street in front of the Russell House www.sc.edu/HealthyCarolina
Eat healthy. Be happy. Celebrate 1st Anniversary at M Fresh with
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HIST 227: History of Dubsteb A focus on the rise and dropping of bass in this sweeping form of electronic dance music from its humble garage origins to selling out in the top 40. Students will create their own irrational rhythms and blow out their eardrums. EXSC 124: Playing in Trafﬁc An accelerated course that mixes the intensity of Parkour with the high impact of a truck. Joining high-cardio and hand-eye coordination with the nonstop action of an intersection at rush hour, students will run, compete and carry their injured classmates to safety. Recommended for students with classes across Assembly Street in the Carolina Coliseum, School of Music and new Darla Moore School of Business. Hospital bills not included in tuition. LAWS 181: Classic Courtroom Drama Students will learn how to perfect their timing to scream, “Objection!”, lead the witness, say something witty right before the commercial break and persuade the judge to “allow it” no matter how illegal “it” may be. SPCH 563: Independent Sassy This course is designed to provide the experience and application of skills ranging from cheeky comments with fellow colleagues to the kind brazen audacity that superiors respond to. This class guides students through proper finger snaps and neck swivels required in getting one’s point across. Mucinex D Pepto-Bismol Guaifenesin DM Zyrtec Delsym Mucinex Allegra Mucinex D Mucinex DM 12-hour nasal spray Allegra D 12-hour Preparation H 24-hour Saline nasal spray Sudafed PE Sudafed 12hour Claritin D Claritin D 12-hour Claritin D 24-hour Ibuprofen Acetaminophen Naproxen Allegra Claritin Guaifenesin Benadryl Zyrtec Antivert Prilosec 20 Zantac Mucinex D 75 Zantac 150 Miralax Guaifenesin DM Colace Ex-lax Dramamine Immodium Peptoget what you need
at the campus pharmacy @ thomson student health center 803.777.4890 Student Health Services
UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH CAROLINA
in support of Healthy Carolina
The Liberal Rag
What’s your favorite color: Garnet or Black?
Assistant (to the) Editor
@PBERKOVICH Athletic Endeavors Editor
@1NALBONEN Nalboner, heh heh
Senior <3 Writer
Squirrelz have feelings too; legalize love <3 <3
Self Service Carolina success shoots off USC has recently erected an entirely new system called Self Service Carolina to replace the long-outdated VIP system for tasks such as course registration and managing grades and transcripts. The piping-hot new system makes it easier for us to service ourselves, and Gamecocks all around campus are rising to the occasion. A s laz y college st udents, we love it when things come easy, and Self Service Carolina’s success has been shooting off all over campus. But creating this new p r o g r a m h a s n’t “We are pleased b e en qu ic k a nd dirt y for USC this initiative ad m i n i s t r at or s . A f ter bending did not finish backward to prematurely and over get it started and was not a half- s t r u g g l i n g f o r cocked scheme years to per fect t he s y stem, ou r to, yet again, ad m i n ist rat ion waste our tuition h a s f i n a l l y managed to pull dollars.” it out. Admittedly, we half-expected the new program would have trouble keeping up. The anticipation of it never launching and adding to our load, as USC programs are so often prone to do, was a concern. However, much to our vehement criticism and ejaculations of disapproval, administrators continued at full throttle to almost fi nish. We are pleased this initiative did not fi nish prematurely and was not a half-cocked scheme to, yet again, waste our tuition dollars. There are surely no limits now to how much students can self-serve themselves. However, t he Self Ser v ice Carolina project has not yet been completed, and there is still a lot of work to be done. As it stands right now, there are many aspects of the website that are difficult to wrap our heads around, and we’d rather admin fix those trouble spots quickly and stop being jerked around. USC, this is your chance to prove yourself to the students. The time has come, Self Service Carolina — don’t blow it.
Human-animal marriage should be accepted
.1 % USC Tartan
Oxford Comma Eliminator
Monday, March 32, 2013 ^.^
293.2 % Black
We’re living in dangerous tines!!! Fork violence needs to be controlled, omgzzz For mont hs and mont hs, ou r campus has been exploding with debates over gun control policies, whether or not we should be allowed to have guns in school, whether or not South Carolina should allow op en c a r r y w it hout concea led weapons permits and the like. However, in light of such discourse, we have fa iled to shed light on one of the most crucial and threatening issues in A mer ica r ight now: Karl Marx fork control. Second-year Yes, you heard me political science c o r r e c t l y. T h o s e student satanic metal prongs of death cause more rea son for concer n t ha n g u n s ever will, mainly because they are ubiquitous in our everyday life. For instance, did you know the average household has roughly 27 forks easily accessible to uncertified people, even minors? Multiply that by 325 million Americans, and we have a total of 8.77 billion undocumented forks just hanging out in the black market and under the pillows of mentally disturbed football players. Think about the number of stabbings and robberies and fork rocket launchings that could occur if we don’t control this immediately. Something must be done about this problem, and it needs to happen now. Just as gun owners should have to obtain permits and go through background checks before being allowed to purchase g u ns, fork
owners must also undergo a UTI — t h at is , a Uten si l Tr a i n i ng Inspection. First, the government must adm in ister a test of table etiquette to ensure that fork owners know exactly what a fork is used for. By carefully watching the precise maneuvering of a fork on the plate as well as the speed of the movements, authorities can easily determine whether or not this person will be a murderer in the future. In the second stage of the UTI, prospective fork owners should be given a test where they have to throw forks onto slabs of medium-well steak while they are blindfolded. This will test fi nesse in fork usage and ensure that a fork user will not “accidentally” stab a person instead of his or her dinner. The main prevailing argument by the National Rifle Association is “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” And the NRA does actually present a ver y rational point we should all ponder deeply. People who really want to commit crimes will find a way to do so by any means. If we take away their guns, they will only resort to silverware. The only obvious solution is to remove silverware as well. As the weapons debate continues, we should also f urther consider ba n n i ng ot her object s t hat are hazardous in our daily lives. Such objects include high-heeled shoes, sharpened pencils, very thin iPhones and triangular Tostitos. We live in a world of dangerous possibilities, and while the Second Amendment says we have a right to bear arms , the right to own forks is not included. America must be kept safe.
It’s outrageous there still remains a group of Americans whose unwavering love for one another is not recognized as legitimate by our government. Unless we want to be known as t he la nd of t he “a n imal haters,” then the government should immediately recognize t he leg a l it y of hu m a n – a n i m a l marriage. To a f e w certain whack job s out t here, this is just another harebrained plot USC concocted by Squirrel Fifth-year extreme liberals nutology student t o de s t r o y ou r country’s unique social fabric — whatever that is. They claim it’d be an attack on the institution of marriage and would destroy thousands of years of tradition. Somehow these cuckoos also manage to put on a straight face and claim allowing these natural marriages would set a precedent for even more “convoluted” partnerships to occur between a human and their cellphone. But in today’s modern society, marriage is simply the act of unifying two individuals who love and care for one another. Fo r t he s e c r o s s - s p e c ie s couples, you’d have to be blind, deaf and stupid to deny the unique blend of love and loyalty. More often than not, a pet and its human owner usually stay together for the long haul, unlike certain “traditional” marriages that tend to end in divorce. And wh ile u ncom mon obstacles may occur in an interspecies marriage, what relationship hasn’t had challenges to face? A s A mericans, we should strive for equality for all of our citizens regardless of the amount of hair they shed daily or the size of their fins. But until that day, we’ve still got a long way to go.
Comrades of Carolina must unite for equality 100-percent tax rate totes kosher; Kim Jong Un, Nikki Haley know wassup According to economists, the Great Recession ended in May 2009, but with a growing deficit, looming unemployment and faltering consumer confidence, the risk of a “double-dip” recession is dangerously high. Despite the never-ending g ridlock in Washing ton, D.C., it has never been more important for the men and women representing our wishes to take action and put an end to all this instability and deterioration. The answer, of course, is a tax rate of 100 percent. Since the ’70s, the United States has seen dramatic decreases in tax rates, particularly on the wealthiest. Meanwhile, taxes for the middle 20 percent of income earners has stayed constant. Once we realize this trend and the increase in fi nancial inequality are related, there can be no other option than to standardize this tax rate. With a $16 trillion debt , what better way to fi ll that hole than with the money of hard-working
proletariat? Not only will the state fi nally be in a position of fi nancial security, but the people will benefit as well. No longer will Democrats and Republicans fight over whether the rich should be taxed more than the poor: Everyone will be treated fairly and equally. After all, is equality not the foundation of our country? Some of you may be wondering what t he people w ill do w it h an i ncome le vel of z ero. But w it h a 239,4 8 2 p e r c e n t i n c r e a s e i n governmental revenues, the state Leon will provide. No longer will we be Trotsky Third-year concerned about “wasting federal history student money” on what the conservatives claim are frivolous programs such as Medicare or Medicaid or providing food stamps or public educat ion. Wit h t his massive inf low of revenue for the government, everyone could be provided for, and we could even begin to reverse the effects of sequestration.
IT’S YOUR LEFT The goal of The Daily Gamecock’s V ie w p oi nt s p age i s to st i mu l at e discussion in the University of South Carolina’s liberal communit y. A ll published aut hors are expected to provide super-liberal arguments to back their super-liberal views. The Daily Gamecock encourages readers to voice liberal opinions and offers three methods of expression: letters to the editor, guest columns and feedback on dailygamecock.com. Letters and liberal guest columns shou ld be subm it ted v ia ema il to email@example.com. Letters must be 200 to 300 words in length
This wealth would then trickle down to individual states, which, for South Carolina, means the arts will once again be funded and we can live to see the day skyscrapers of art museums are built in our city. Some may also argue the government cannot be trusted to provide what is best for the Americans, but t hat is a silly arg ument. Obv iously, t he government k nows best, the great leaders of Kim Jong Un and Gov. Nikki Haley being key examples of this. Furthermore, it has been shown by some respectable organizations that President Barack Hussein Obama is a direct descendant of Allah himself, and with such divine powers governing this land, nothing could possibly go wrong. Comrades of Carolina, it is time to unite! Only we the people can promote change and create greatness in our country. As the great Chairman Mao once said, “In waking a tiger, use a long stick.” Let us erect our sticks of revolution today.
and include the author’s name, year and a shrine to Obama. We a l s o i nv it e lef t i s t s t udent leaders and USC faculty members to submit guest columns. Columnists should keep subm issions to about 500 words in length and include the author’s name and position. The editor reserves the right to edit and condense submissions for left-wingedness, or not publish at all if you’re a conservative. A ll subm issions become t he property of The Daily Gamecock and must conform to the liberal standards of USC Student Media.
CORRECTIONZ If you find an error in today’s paper, it’s probably because today is April Fools’ Day, so if you were going to contact us about how awful we are, you might want to reconsider.
The Daily Gamecock is the editorially independent (whassup!) student newspaper of the University of South Carolina. It is published daily during the fall and spring semesters and nine times during the summer with the exception of university holidays and exam periods — and, y’ know, Saturday and Sunday. Opinions expressed in The Daily Gamecock should be yours, too. The Board of Student Publications and Communications is the publisher of The Daily Gamecock... technically. The Department of Student Media is the newspaper’s parent organization. The Daily Gamecock is supported in part by student activity fees. One free copy per reader. Additional copies may be purchased for $1 each from the Department of Student Media, but who actually does that? Top Cock @INCOGNITOSANITO Assistant (to the) Editor @S_PATTERSON12 Oxford Comma Eliminators @ANDERSENTRAVELS #TWITTERLESSSARAH Kettle Chip Enthusiast #TWITTERLESSEVAN Connect-the-Dots Creator @KRISTMARM Kerning Kings and Queen @GEOHINCH, @LETHARGIC_BEAR, @ANNIEPARHAM Staff Pledge @THADMOORE Girls Run the World @AMANDACCOYNE, @ELLISSK04 Liberal Bias @ACHANG413 Even More Liberal Bias #TWITTERLESSAARON
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Dat Cash Money KRISTINE CAPPS Student Media Mom SARAH SCARBOROUGH We Miss Neil. VACANT Puzzle People JEREMY DARBY, JEMIMAH EKEH, GEORGE HINCHLIFFE, CARLY KEITH, TUCKER PRESCOTT, AUSTIN PRICE, SPENCER WEEKS, EVAN WU Abercrombie Model ADAM HARMS Sell more ads, y’all. 14%? C’mon. LAUREN BAILEY, TREVOR BEGLEY, MICHELE DRESSLER, CHAD HUGHES, BRITTNEY NIGRO, IAN PEACOCK, FRANK PISCO, HALEY POPE, CLAIRE POTTS, JAKE ROSE
“A joke is a very serious thing.” — Winston Churchill
The Blender Fall 2013 calendar to include acts like Nickelback, Power Rangers Insert “Simpsons” Reference MIX@DAILYGAMECOCK.COM
Ca n Ca rol i n a P ro duc t ion s p o s s ibly top themselves after bringing Seth Meyers to the Koger Center for the Arts? They’re certainly trying to! Carolina Productions has followed our astute suggestions and has decided to include them in their 2013–14 schedule. Here are some events that upcoming freshmen will be able to enjoy.
“GANGNAM STYLE” DANCE MARATHON I f you eenjoyed t he USC Dance Marathon at Strom M Thurmond Fitness Center, Thurmo you’ll d definitely enjoy a dance marathon where ever yone w il l have to da nce “G a ng na m n St yle” for 24 hou r s. The event will begin w it h at tendees “GangnamSt yl i ng” t hei r w a y d ow n G r e e ne St r e et , st a r t i ng at Five Points and ending in the Carolina Coliseu m where no one w ill be able to read their t weets th because becau there’s no w a y t he y ’r e g et t i n g s er v ic e down there. do
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NICKELBACK WITH GUEST STAR AVRIL LAVIGNE Probably the only thing better than going to a Nickelback concert is walking into a fraternity house wearing cargo shorts and a N ickelback T-shirt. Besides Bryan Adams and Celine Dion, Nickelback is no doubt the greatest musical act Canada has shared with A merica. A nd if you think seeing Nickelback live is exciting, how about seeing them live with lead singer Chad Kroeger’s f iancé, pop-punk princess Avril Lavigne? In celebration of their engagement, Kroeger and Lavigne will also be hosting an after-party, where students can bring copies of their greatest albums to be burned.
CREED In the late ’90s, Creed won over all of the Christian music fans, only for them to ﬁ nd out Creed wasn’t actually a Christian music band.
However, those fans were so brainwashed by their music, they formed a cult following that helped the band sell more than 30 million records worldwide. The band eventually broke when lead singer Scott Stapp was declared a false prophet and was burned alive by his bandmates. However, he rose from the dead and began a not-so-successful solo career. Reunited, the band has brainwashed Carolina Productions into allowing him to spread his music to USC students.
BACKSTREET BOYS REUNION CONCERT Let’s face it. We all smile a little on the inside whenever a variety radio station plays “I Want It That Way.” All ﬁ ve of the Backstreet Boys will perform for any USC students hankering for some ’90s pop nostalgia. In preparation of the show, all ﬁve members will be holding a dancelearning session where they will teach willing EVENTS ● THE NEXT PAGE
Courtesy of MCT Campus
The Backstreet Boys are coming to Russell House and will give willing attendees dance lessons before the show.
delicious, beautiful crunchwrap Tortilla fold presents the tasty joys of Taco Bell Gould Digger MIX@DAILYGAMECOCK.COM
The corners of the crisp tortilla fold into the center, meeting as some kind of delightfully delicious dream after precisely 17 seconds on the flat-press quesadilla cooker. Freshly drained ground beef still traces each trip from taco-holding tissue paper to mouth with drips of deep orange grease and shreds of locally grown lettuce. Pieces of American cheese, like flakes of candle wax or dried hot glue, melt into the signature sauce, tangy and pungent in the best way. The crunchwrap supreme — or as Russell House meal plan owners call it: No. 9, soft taco — is a staple of the second-f loor Taco Bell. It folds together a crunchy and soft shell with layers of the ground beef, cheese, let t uce a n d sauce. T he t o order
crunchwrap also sprinkles a small sampling of diced tomatoes, but I wouldn’t recommend them. It’s a lunch, a dinner for two or a fourth meal until the on-campus location’s midnight last call, as is much of the charming eatery’s cost-effective menu with a Mexican ﬂair. Taco Bell, a nationwide chain characterized by a purple bell and 5,000-calorie meals for less than $5, is an unsung gem in the dining scene. It’s fast and dependable and almost anything on the menu can be bought with just a few of the coins from your center console. The food is ﬁlling, and each of the packeted sauces — which add a little ego boost to your lonely drive-thru with fun, quirky messages like “Will you marr y me?” — lend a l it t le
flavorful sparkle to the most basic of quesadillas, burritos and chalupas, oh my! Perhaps the second-most-savory item on the taco palace’s list of treats is t he quesadilla: steak, or much more popularly, chicken. The strips of vac uu m- sea led ch icken, w it h presumably drawn-on grill marks, are packed under melted cheese and the secret, meal-making quesadilla sauce. It’s really a culinary mystery sauce that would most certainly only work in the conﬁnes of the hot-pressed fast food meal — like the white sauce at Grilled Teriyaki or Little Caesar’s dipping marinara. Each triangle of the piping hot Taco Bell quesadilla must also be accompanied w it h a
dollop of sour cream, straight from the big, silver condiment guns that force fond memories of mom’s gingerbread icing piper or those tubes made for pressed Christmas sugar cookies. In between the staples are menu ﬁllers that can be paired with a main, numbered meal or snagged up for those few stray car coins: cheese roll-ups , nachos bellgrande and the beefy 5-layer burrito. There are the 99-cent nachos and cheese, a small cup of queso with the gas-station authenticity — thick and golden and only good during a very long road trip. A few years back, out of the dark, drab, long-standing menu, came a true great to the Taco Bell game. It is called the cheesy gordita crunch: a hardshell taco carefully cradled in a ﬂuffy gordita and held together with melted cheese and a dreamy pepper jack sauce. Think outside the bun.
69 Monday, March 32, 2013
5 Things the University Should Be Doing Gamecocks could focus on more important things than what tartan design to choose Can’t Touch This MIX@DAILYGAMECOCK.COM
A few weeks ago, the University of South Carolina student body was asked once again to put their differences aside and band together for a common cause; it was time to vote for the school tartan. Cliques formed, friendships were broken and many a secret meeting was held behind Pandini’s to discuss favorite patterns in hushed whispers. Should the Gamecocks ever enter the Highland Games, this stitching of garnet and black would be our honor, our pride and our kilt. But that’s not to say there aren’t a few other things the university needs to get on the map. Here are the top five things we should also be working on for the 2013 school year.
Imagine the thrill of sitting atop the porcelain throne, reaching to grab a few handfuls of toilet paper only to unspool a winding ribbon of beautiful garnet and black tissue. Combining st yle with practical comfort, school spirit would soar through the roof as an ever-changing guessing game of what color you’ll get next becomes a part of the daily routine. And should a toilet in Bates House ever get stuffed to its bre a k i n g p oi nt ever again, at least it will be visually appealing.
Let’s face it, having Hootie in charge would put the university on an entirely new level of awesome. Students would flock to campus just for a glimpse of the alternative-rockert u r ne d - c ou nt r y- s t a r . Plus, he would probably g i v e t h e P r e s i d e n t ’s House a much needed update, complete with record i ng st ud io a nd giant pool. I nstead of s u it s , he wou ld we a r cowboy boots. Instead of ties, plaid shirts. Or tartan.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve personally never seen a real gamecock with a lumpy, A-line body and tiny black legs — let alone wear a jersey. So in the spirit of science, let’s redo Cocky. Time to swap out that hoop skirt for a skintight suit with a puff y chest and lots of feathers. White gloves for hands? No. Feathers. Skinny black tights? No. Feathers. It may be a mess to clean up after a game, but at least we’ll all be able to rest easier at night knowing our Cocky looks more realistic.
Two things USC students love: not spending lots of money and greasy food they can chow down at 3 a.m. So why not combine the t wo and stick a Cook-Out in the bottom of Russell House? Students cou ld get fou r cheeseburgers, t w o f r ie s a n d a milkshake w it hout goi ng o v e r. A nd it wou ld promote campus safet y since students could stay close by instead of drunkenly ambling down busy Harden Street for a midnight snack.
EVENTS ● Continued from %
Butterflies taste with their feet.
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Connect the Dots!
participants the moves from their music videos. Be sure to bring your parents.
Classes at 8 i n t he morning are no f u n. A nd t r ut h be told, t he profe s s or s don’t re a l l y like it either. So why not save us all a little grief and change the master schedule to having all classes after lunch? We’ll all feel refreshed and ready each morning instead of walking to class with zombie face or nursing last night’s hangover. Imagine how much more you’ll learn when you’re actually awake for class. Or how much more you can hear when the guy next to you isn’t snoring in your ear.
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Courtesy of powerrangers.wikia.com
The Pink Ranger was hot, the Blue Ranger was a nerd, and the White Ranger was the coolest Ranger of them all.
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It’s morphin’ time!
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Don’t pretend like you didn’t watch “Power Rangers” at least once in your childhood. You probably spent time in your back yard pretend i ng you were t he W h ite R a nger, waving around a stick as if it were a weapon and crushing hard on the Pink Ranger. Well, guess what? Carolina Productions is giving secret fans a chance to relive their childhood with plenty of other USC students who won’t judge you. Special events will include a costume contest, a chance for fans to demonst rate their best “WHA M-BA M-POW” stunts and a special viewing of “Power Rangers: The Movie.” There will even be a guest appearance by actor Jason David Frank (he played Tommy, the cool one).
POWER RANGERS PARTY
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Monday, March 32, 2013
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PAC is seeking PT summer staff for our day camps, gymnastics (recreational and competitive), cheer classes and competitive allstars, FT child care and entertainment director. Go to https://sites.google. com/site/pacstaffsite/homepage/Employment Email your application to firstname.lastname@example.org
SPOOF SCOOP • MAX BAUMAN
THE SCENE TODAY SOME BAND YOU’VE PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF 6:66 p.m., $1 students / $10,000 general A dirty bar somewhere in Columbia
TOMORROW USC STREAKS
L e t ’s b e h o n e s t , your recent birt hday probably wasn’t t hat great. Take this time to develop better partying skills. Scrabble isn’t the best choice. If you cut all your hair off, you’d look like a British man.
You shall go on SGTV and televise yourself doing t he “G ang nam St yle” dance while singing “I’m Sexy and I Know It.” You will be extremely popular. Stop trying to make fetch happen, it’s not going to happen.
Yo u w i l l h a v e t h e s up er p ower of you r choice at exactly 5:27 p.m. today. You’ll use t hat power to pra n k that one professor you can’t stand. That’s why your hair is so big. It’s full of secrets
It’s said that a monster lu rk s i n t he Greek Village this time of the month and tends to be hungry for Virgos. Use caution, learn karate. So you agree, you think you’re really pretty?
W he n y ou t h i n k of “ C a p r i c o r n ,” y o u t hink of corn, which makes you hungry. So tr y eating some corn sprinkled with paprika. O n We d ne s d a y s we wear pink.
In your past life, you were a Middle Eastern c a mel herder. Wel l, what did you expect? There are only so many people who could have been K ing A rthur or Cleopat ra. I’m sorr y people are jealous of you, but it’s not your fault you’re so popular.
Use cation when flying on planes this time of year, as snakes are drawn to the warm weather and tend to hide in rafters. A surplus of candy will be delivered to you in a most unexpected way. She doe sn’t e ven go here.
Blast your music really loudly and open your windows wide. Ignore what any passerby or the neighbors yell at you, and especially ig nore what your roommates say. Ex-boyfriends are off limits to friends. That’s just, like, the rules of feminism.
You will find two $100 bills outside of the Darla Moore School of Business. You will use these bills to buy everyone cookie cake on the third floor of the Russell House, room 333. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar.
You r l ife isn’t goi ng so well right now. Of course, it isn’t. W hy else wou ld you be reading horoscopes in a college newspaper? I w i sh I cou ld ba ke a ca ke f i l led w it h ra i nbows a nd sm iles and everyone would eat and be happy.
Columbia Charlotte Shuttle
“HOW TO PRETEND TO PAY ATTENTION IN CLASS”
TODAY BEER CHUGGING COMPETITION Past your bedtime, free Secretly inside someone’s dorm room
When: Every day free In all your classes
Ever y t ime someone says hello to you today, you must respond by screaming, “TACOS!” It w ill bring you great fortune. It’s not you r f au lt you’re so gap-toothed.
Check out what’s on sale at TJ Maxx, Target a nd K ma r t. Becau se you’re rea l ly, rea l ly, really cheap. So, you have your cousins, and t hen you h ave you r fi rst cousins, and then you have your second cousins...
When: Whenever it’s coldest How much: Your dignity Where: EVERYWHERE
The Charlotte Airport Just Got Closer Heyents! tud $49 each way • Pick up/drop off at USC www.ColumbiaCharlotteShuttle.com • (803) 783-5123
1 2 3 4
Discovery Day 2013 YOU ARE INVITED…NO JOKE!
April 26thŇ8:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m.ŇRussell House Visit www.sc.edu/our to learn more ACROSS 1 Kilmer of “Batman Forever” 4 Nostalgic soft drinks 9 Latish wake-up time 14 Object of a conquistador’s quest 15 Conjure up 16 As a friend, to François 17 What older baseball pitchers might do? 20 “Scarborough Fair” herb 21 Huey, Dewey and Louie, e.g. 22 Dull routine 23 Fetch Halloween costumes from the attic? 27 Mice and lice 29 Quick-ﬂash link 30 French land mass 31 Early pamphleteer 35 Big name in baseball cards 39 “Can I get a word in?” 41 Mufﬂer 43 Intimate apparel purchase 44 Wrinkle-prone fabric 46 Work with one’s hands 48 NATO founding member 49 Classy org.? 51 Dulles alternative 53 Post snide comments on a blog? 59 Italian diminutive sufﬁx 60 “Pagliacci” clown 61 Dundee denials 64 Join the high school wrestling team? 68 Early IndoEuropean 69 Actress Dunne 70 Volstead __: Prohibition enabler 71 Campﬁre treat 72 Enjoyed, as a beach blanket 73 “Go for it!”
DOWN 1 Swears 2 Certain stage solo 3 Scratch 4 Composer Rorem 5 HTC smartphone 6 Mr. Fixit’s genre 7 “Don’t remind me” 8 Attach, in a way 9 Most likely to crack 10 Bring down the curtain 11 Tiny Paciﬁc republic 12 Rally, as a crowd 13 Thin sprays 18 Think 19 Actress Swenson 24 Fall (over) 25 Geneticist’s concerns 26 Art colony town 27 Medicine chest item 28 K-12 32 “Ew!” 33 Mary Bobbsey’s older daughter 34 Poetic preposition 36 Keeps at it 37 Galileo Galilei Airport city 38 Attention __ 40 Choice reading? 42 Casino game
Solutions from 03/29/13
45 Its largest moon is Triton 47 Drops on a blade? 50 Each 52 Monument word 53 Gyro essentials 54 Render weaponless 55 Godzilla’s stomping ground 56 “Wait __ Dark”: 1967 ﬁlm 57 Pageant trophy 58 “Okey-__!” 62 Verb-to-noun sufﬁx
63 Droop-nosed ﬂiers 65 Mr. Potato Head piece 66 “Small Craft on a Milk Sea” musician 67 Home viewing room
Monday, March 32, 2013 27-17
Tigers hope to improve chance of winning state championship Tony the Tiger SPORTZ@DAILYGAMECOCK.COM
will not play in the field in his stint with coach Chad Holbrook’s Gamecock baseball team. The sophomore will likely bat fourth and occupy the starting spot at designated hitter. “We didn’t ask him to come to practice; we’re just going to let him show up for the games,” a source within the baseball program said. “We only have so many baseballs, and we can’t let him hit them all into the parking lot.” After word got out of Clowney’s unprecedented foray into baseball, the South Carolina Athletics Office of Media Relations was hit with a barrage of phone calls and emails from Major League Baseball scouts, hoping to get a glimpse at the possible prospect. The New York Yankees and the Chicago Cubs were reportedly the frontrunners in the Clowney sweepstakes before the rumors of a possible MLB career for the defensive end were snuffed out. “This will only be a one-time thing, just for fun,” a source in the Clowney camp said. “He couldn’t play a sport that doesn’t allow him to legally knock his opponent temporarily unconscious for a living.” Clowney has asked to wear his traditional No. 7 on the diamond, a number listed as fellow football player Shon Carson’s on the baseball roster. The two sides cleared that hurdle when Clowney intimidated the NCAA offices into allowing both players to sport the number for the weekend. It is yet to be determined which games Clowney will take part in, but he has expressed interest in suiting up for the May series against Georgia, not satisfied with terrorizing the Bulldog athletics program on the football field alone. “To be honest, I’m still not sure if this is allowed,” a source close to the situation said. “But I don’t want to be the guy to tell Jadeveon Clowney he can’t do something, and I don’t think the NCAA wants to either.”
Clemson Universit y announced over t he weekend that it will relocate its campus across the North Carolina state line in order to improve its chances of winning a football state championship. The move comes after the Tigers lost four consecutive games to the University of South Carolina, most recently by a score of 27-17 at Clemson in November 2012. “Losi ng is u naccept able to ou r fa ns,” a university administrator said. “We have a long history of success in winning state championships, and it’s time we set our sights on North Carolina.” Clemson holds a record of 35-19-1 in the alltime series against North Carolina. The two schools last met in 2011, and the Tigers defeated the Tar Heels 59-38. While Clemson is in the Atlantic Division of the Atlantic Coast Conference and UNC is in the Coastal division, the Tigers’ relocation will result in a scheduling change that ensures the two schools will play annually. USC officials were disappointed in the loss of the Gamecocks’ post-Thanksgiving rivalry and said the university is exploring options for an in-state replacement to play in the South Carolina state championship. Wofford is among the schools being considered after playing a close game at Williams-Brice Stadium last year. The Gamecocks and the Terriers were tied after three quarters, although USC eventually won 24-7. USC coaches have repeatedly said their team has trouble stopping Wofford’s triple-option offense. Asked whether he would like to see an annual game against the Terriers added to USC’s schedule, one assistant coach said that particular team from the Upstate would pose a great challenge for his team to end the regular season. Players wished their former rivals all the best in their transition. “They were in the national championship hunt for a while last year,” one current player said. “Then they couldn’t hold on against Florida State, and then they ran into us. Well, I guess they’ll have one obstacle out of their path for next year.” The logistics of the move have yet to be worked out. Clemson still hopes to begin fall classes at its new campus in North Carolina in Fall 2013. But even wit h t he impending relocat ion, Clemson players refused to admit South Carolina’s superiority over their own program. “I stand by what our coach said before,” one player said. “This wasn’t a rivalry, even if we’ve lost to them a few times recently. Just wait until (junior defensive end Jadeveon) Clowney is gone and some of their other guys are gone, they’ll be right back to square one. “Our guys have still never been to USC — that’s in California. And we get to play the real Carolina now.” Clemson’s Memorial Stadium, also known as Death Valley, will be used as a concert venue until another football team expresses interest in playing there. Plans have been discussed to turn the stadium into a year-round haunted house because the shade of orange that is Clemson’s school color is reminiscent of Halloween.
The force is strong with this one.
Paparazzi File Photo
USC junior defensive end Jadeveon Clowney will take to the baseball diamond for one weekend this spring.
Defensive end will take talents to new sport this spring after finding loophole in eligibility rules Casey at the Bat SPORTZ@DAILYGAMECOCK.COM
Junior defensive end Jadeveon Clowney has already become one of the most dominant college football players in recent memory, but apparently national fame in one sport is not enough for the 6-foot-6inch, 272-pound superhuman. After several weeks of researching loopholes in NCAA eligibility rules, Clowney will take his talents to the baseball diamond for one weekend this spring. “He’s a competitive guy, and he wants to prove that he can do more than just hit people,” a source close to the situation said. “This is something he’s wanted to do for a while.” Clowney is no stranger to the game of baseball, as recent reports have surfaced of a little league game in which a 12-year-old Clowney went four-for-four at the plate, including three home runs (the homerless at bat was reported to be a bunt that flew to the warning track in left field).
This is something he’s wanted to do for a while.
“It was his first game, and I told him not to be too upset if he struck out,” Clowney’s former Little League coach said. “I didn’t really give him any more advice after that game.” Clowney’s coach estimated his batting average for the year to be around .700 on his way to league MVP honors. The 6-inch plastic trophy still sits above the fireplace in Clowney’s Rock Hill, S.C., home. In order to protect himself from injury, Clowney
Players say Martin’s intense glare has caused burns before Katniss the Girl on Fire SPORTZ@DAILYGAMECOCK.COM
The Columbia Fire Department responded to a small inferno that started just outside of Colonial Life Arena Sunday afternoon. Witnesses say the blaze began when South Carolina basketball c o ac h Fr a n k M a r t i n s t a r e d too hard at one of the bushes surrounding the arena. “I was just out jogging and I see coach Martin walking down the sidewalk,” said Richard Rich, a third-year biomedical student at USC. “All of a sudden, this bush just bursts into flames. I was like, sweet biscuit, what do we have here?!” The fi re spread to some of the surrounding bushes before fire fighters eventually contained the blaze. No one was injured. Martin said he obviously didn’t intend to start the fire and that it “just happened.” Witnesses said they saw the
reporter ask ing t he quest ion flee the scene just a few minutes later. No one in the vicinity asked Martin anything else after the incident. Martin is famous for his intense stare throughout his coaching career, but this is the first time damage to propert y has been publicly known. Current and former players and coaches say this has happened before. “ T here h ave b e en s e ver a l practices where we have had to stop because one of the player’s hair has started smoking,” one current player said. “Yeah, I was in a meeting with him once and I remember being really hot, but I just figured the air conditioning wasn’t working or something,” a former player added. “When I got home later, I looked in the mirror and noticed I had two circular red marks on my forehead.” Even while Frank Martin was winning at Kansas State, he still had his moments. “There was t h is one ga me
where I t urned t he ball over and started to run back up the court,” a former Wildcat player said. “Next thing I know, the ref is telling me I have to leave the game because there is a hole in the back of my shorts.” However, the players said they k now Mart in’s intent ions are sincere and that his “famously hot” stare is a good thing for the university. “He just wants us to play our best,” a player said. “All of us want to follow his example.” The first-year coach’s intensity is one of t he reasons a lot of players decided to come to South Carolina. “Who wouldn’t want to play for a coach that can light things on fi re with his eyes?” a player said. “I know we are going to continue to get better next season.” USC va st ly i mproved t h is season with Martin taking charge. There is no reason to think the progress will not continue, but more greenery may be lost along the way. Hi, mom.
Coach Frank Martin’s famously intense stare caused a bush to catch fire outside Colonial Life Area Sunday.