70-10

Ventura High School Jurnolism 2 North Catalina, Ventura CA 93001 thecougarpress.org

rawr!

Sellers wants YOU to read the paper!

Is it cu ul Read t to juul in sc he artic h le on P ool? age 2!

The Bougar Press Friday, April 1, 2018 April Fool’s Edition

When in doubt, make a CD slideshow King Henry VIII (;

Due to Ventura Unified School District’s effort to save paper, the board has asked all high school yearbook classes, including Ventura High School’s, to cease all yearbook production starting this school year.

As an alternative, since VHS’s yearbook class can not change the final decision, they will be compiling all pictures that would’ve been in the yearbook into a CD slideshow with music and narration.

Yearbook Editor-inChief Tigerlily Bogart, a senior at VHS, commented on the new development: “Honestly, I couldn’t be happier with the change. I think it’s the smartest way to go, especially since we get to actively be a part of helping the environment. I even think the students will enjoy the CDs a lot more than the classic books.”

However, Bogart’s Editor-in-Chief partner, senior Maya Jacob-Vargas, feels differently: “I don’t know what Tigerlily is talking about. This is horrible, nobody wants a CD instead of an actual yearbook.”

With this information, students may be asking themselves, “What if I already bought one, but don’t want it anymore?” According to Bogart, no refunds will be accepted since Yearbook now has to pay for the slideshow production software. Prices of the original yearbook will also stay the same for the new CD slideshow.

In attempts to keep yearbook sales up, Bogart said: “Our new yearbook, a CD slideshow, will be the first of its kind this school has ever seen.

It will include everything the old yearbooks have had, but it will instead be on CD that is compatible with DVD and BluRay players. Along with pictures from the year, and short stories from VHS students, there will also be popular music from this year’s hottest artists synced with the slideshow.”

As for the future years, the state of the yearbook is still unclear, but there will no longer ever be a book for the yearbook.

To reflect this change, the course name will be changing to “YearDVD” to avoid false advertising.

“Keep your head up king, your snapback’s falling down,” –Anonymous

Ventura High School’s newest monument!

-Mount CohenCornwellMurphyEberhart-

Volume 70 Edition 10

What’s inside?

No dances? What the....

Page 3

Photo by: Avenlea Roberto

Collage by: @badluckbrick They will be remembered and dearly missed. Read about the end of VHS dances.

Will Weber have your vote?

Page 4

The new face, or faces, of Ventura, California have finally been set in stone. The project which has been under way for many months has finally been finished and goodness gracious, they look astounding! Ventura is proud to finally unvale Mount CohenCornwellMurphyEberhart. Not carved to real life proportions.

Photo by: @badluckbrick

We have been hacked, and there is no going back Stench

Lately at The Bougar Press headquarters, there has been quite the hubbub surrounding various hacking events which the publication has suffered from.

From Instagram, to email and the website, thecougarpress.org, The Bougar Press is being hacked left and right, recovering from each event, somehow.

However, according to exclusive information from junior Avenlea Russian and senior Brooke Newman, Editors-in-Chief of The Bougar Press, this will be The Bougar Press’s last edition ever.

Because of this change, Ventura High School will no longer have a newspaper.

The increase in social media hacking and fake Instagram accounts among other things has forced the editors to make tough decisions.

“We love The Bougar Press with all of our hearts and we hate to see it scrutinized and laughed at. We’ve decided as an editorial staff that the best decision is to just stop publishing in efforts to tame the hackers’ actions,” according to Newman and Russian.

Consequently, The Bougar Press is unable to handle the unreliable reputation it is gaining from some students on campus, therefore both the print paper and the website will shut down officially on April 1.

Some may wonder who the culprit of this devastation is? After intensive researching and IP tracking, it has been revealed that ASB Vice President, Brock Donaldson, is behind all of the hacking.

Donaldson explained, “I did not know what to do. Hacking became a way for me to truly connect with the school, and The Bougar Press was the best way to do that.”

Photo by: Stench

Donaldson said he would sneak into the journalism classroom after hours, by using his sister’s bobby-pin to pick the lock.

He would then search through the trash for scrap pieces of paper, possibly containing the password.

Once the password was found, Donaldson was able to act on his plan. continued on... thecougarpress.org

Did you hear, did you hear, did you hear? Seussical is cancelled Hannah Left

Ventura High School Drama teacher, Stefoni Rossiter, had originally decided that the drama department would perform “Seussical the Musical,” a performance about Dr. Seuss’s literary characters, for their spring performance. However, the show has been cancelled and will not make it to the main stage this year.

In a one-on-one interview with Rossiter, she said, “Most students are not aware that I have a severe pickle allergy and it has gotten so bad, that I can not direct the show this year.”

Rossiter stated, “In all of my time here as a teacher, this is the first time that VHS will not be performing a spring musical.” Rossiter contemplated

hiring someone else to direct the show, however ultimately, she did not feel comfortable doing so.

Senior drama student, Miley Fonrad, said, “I hope Rossiter is going to feel better, I have a severe peanut allergy so I can only imagine how tough this time is for her.”

Rossiter’s pickle allergy Photo by: Hannah Left

Rossiter had to tell every student in her drama class she was unable to direct the show.

has taken away her hopes to direct and possibly even teach for the rest of the school year.

Rossiter shared that she is deeply upset that she can’t direct this musical and that she will work on finding a substitute teacher that can replace her for the time being.

VHS senior Daniel Brackett commented, “I was really looking forward to being Cat in the Hat in Seussical the musical, but most importantly, I want Rossiter to feel better and recover quickly.”

For those who are disappointed that VHS will not be having a spring performance, Rossiter suggested that they audition for the spring musical at Buena High School. Students can also wait to audition for “Spongebob the Musical,” which Rossiter will direct next spring once she recovers.

Mr. Weber running for President of the U.S.

“Best teacher ever” Page 4 Graphic by: King Henry VIII (;

Lean about the VHS teacher who calls students stupid and is adament about not caring about the planet.

Chemical romance?

Page 5 Photo by: Daddy Franks

Students find themselves falling in love in their Chemistry classes? Read about it on page 5!

PDA? No way!

Page 6

Photo by: Lily Maxwell Read about VHS’s new PDA Policy.

And the winner is...

Infographic by: Rye Bread

Page 7

Do you know what the BBA is? Find out if you won on page 7.

News

The Bougar Press April Fools Edition Page Two

Is it cuul to juul in schuul?

Bella Bobrow Alexis Yovanno

Since January 8, when classes resumed for Ventura High School students, there have been at least 69 documented cases of students facing penalties for vaping at school. The students’ names cannot be published for privacy reasons, but according to school records, the students mentioned belong to all grade levels.

Vaping, or using electronic cigarettes has appeared to be very prevalent amongst young teenagers.

Using devices such as juuls or suorins allows people to ingest nicotine in the form of a flavored vapor.

According to the VHS school handbook, “Possessing, using, selling, furnishing or being under the influence of any controlled substance, alcohol or intoxicant of any kind,” is grounds for a one to five day suspension.

But if students know they cannot vape at school, then why are they vaping? It has come to the attention of VHS vice principal, Cornelius Kohen, that VHS students have been relieving their stress in the bathrooms by using devices such as vapes, juuls and suorins.

However, not all vaping is grounds for school administered consequences, only vapes containing nicotine, marijuana or other drugs that are specifically banned at VHS. Assistant Principal Charles Cornwell explained, “If a kid is just breathing

Drama and music taking over the school?

Infographic by: Rye Bread

Index

News............................................2-3 Features......................................4-5 On Bampus....................................6 Distractions....................................7 VHS On........................................8

The Bougar Press The Cougar Press Photo from: me.me.com Posters such as these will start appearing around campus starting next week

in flavored water, they are just doing it to look cool. I only call in their parents [for that situation.] Now if it contains nicotine or another drug, that is a different story.”

With Kohen´s knowledge, the Ventura Unified School District has decided to loan VHS money

to install nicotine detectors in the bathrooms that set off alarms and notify the nearest police department, in order to prevent high school students from getting addicted to nicotine. continued on... thecougarpress.org

Red Alert! VHS takes away most of summer

When asked how he feels about the shorter summer junior Aaron Payan stated: “I’m going to cry.

I’m going to cry a lot.”

In addition to Payan, junior Marea Gordon also feels very emotional and shaken up from the horrible news. “Honestly I feel a bit cheated because we never got to really enjoy our Christmas and now we are going to miss out on some of the best days of summer too,” Gordon said.

The district believes that students would be at an unfair disadvantage after high school having missed such an extensive amount of school, thus justifying their decision.

However, this decision will affect more than just the students’ summer vacation.

Gage GregorCHECKYO’SELF

Rye Bread

In Jan. of 2006, a movie was released called “High School Musical.” A year later in Aug. of 2007, “High School Musical 2” was released and in Oct. of 2008, “High School Musical 3” was released. Now Ventura High School will be performing it’s own rendition directed by the VHS Dance and Drama departments on Tuesday, May 29 from 12 p.m. until 4 p.m.

The VHS rendition will not be like performances in the past. There will be no auditions and performing in the musical is not optional. That’s right, the VHS rendition will include all VHS students. How, one may ask? Starting on Monday, April 7,

all classes will be frozen until the performance concludes.

This being said, the performance will be four hours long and include a combination of all three versions of “High School Musical,” in order to include every student. It is mandatory for every student to attend all classes/ rehearsals.

Each class will be run by a member of the dance or drama department instead of a teacher. The dance and drama departments will be in charge of giving every student their part and making a rehearsal schedule for each class. Each class will do it’s own performance, reflecting on the student put in charge and the individuals’ performing abilities. continued on... thecougarpress.org

Ventura High School students have officially lost one month of their summer vacation.

Ventura Unified School District has decided to add one month of school to the following school year, in order to recover school time lost during the Thomas Fire and the heavy rains.

For all VUSD students, summer vacation will begin on June 15 and the 2018-2019 school year will begin on July 15.

This news has outraged many students who do not want to miss out on their summer vacation. Because of this, students are dealing with the hard news in different forms of grief.

continued on... thecougarpress.org

At Ventura High School, there has always been a dress code, but not everyone follows it and it has never been that strict. But now as teachers are noticing more and more distracting outfits worn by students, they have spoken to administration and have decided to change the dress code.

Now there will be no showing shoulders, no shorts above the knees, no showing of the stomach, no skirts or dresses above the ankle, as well as many other rules which will be outlined in the 2018-2019 student handbook. The administration collectively decided that to

best achieve a “bitz-free” environment on campus, they will be implementing VHS uniforms.

All students, male, female or other, will be forced to wear a black and yellow polo shirt, Dickies pants and a pair of custom yellow Gucci slides with white socks that have black and gold embroidered cougars on them.

Domenica Banales, the school office receptionist, stated, “Dress coding has gotten out of hand and we believe that uniforms will be the best way to handle the problem.”

In addition to these new provisions, there will be dress code checkpoints around campus where VHS staff members will be checking all students to make

letters to: Editor, The Cougar Press, 2 N. Catalina Ventura, CA 93001. The Cougar Press supports student free speech.

Editorial Staff Staff Editors-in-Chief

Avenlea Roberto & @Badluckbrick

Editor-in-Chiefs Brooke Newman & Avenlea Russian Managing Editor Nick Schwartz

Managing Editor Micah Wilcox Layout Editor Clayton Curleading

Staffers

Infographic by: Rye Bread VHS will be adding an extra month to the school year.

New dress code rules out distractions Stench Hailey Rocks!

Acacia Bowl

The Bougar Press is a studentrun public forum of the VHS community.

We strive present The Cougar Press is atostudentall sides of the issue fairly run public forum of and the without bias. FromWetime to VHS community. strive time, we make an error.

When to present all sides of the this happens, we without try to correct issue fairly and bias. it as soon as possible.

Students From time to time, we make anderror. community members are an When this happens, encouraged to write letters to we try to correct it as soon The Bougar Press.

We welcome as possible. Students and all letters, but may edit them for community members are clarity and brevity.

This public encouraged to write letters to forum is only as We good as the The Cougar Press. welcome community it receives. all letters, support but may edit Any letter submitted may them for clarity andalso brevity. be published on our is website This public forum only www.thecougarpress.org.

Send as good as the community letters to: itEditor, The Bougar support receives.

Any Press, 2 N. Catalina Ventura, letter submitted also may CApublished 93001. The Bougar Press be on our website supports student free speech. www.thecougar press.org.

Send

sure they are wearing the required uniform, and are following all of the rules regarding the new dress code.

If students are caught breaking this dress code, they will first receive a detention. Any time after the first offense, they must to arrive to school early to have their outfit inspected by a school administrator and risk paying a hefty fine as well as suspension from school and possibly even expulsion.

Junior Sea’ana Egizi shared what she thinks about the new dress code rules: “I think this is a good idea because I personally think when students show their knees or shoulders, it is just way too provocative.” continued on... thecougarpress.org

Photo by: Stench

Senior Lauren Powell is the first student to wear the new school uniforms.

Bella Bobrow Rye Bread Layout Editor Parsi Carmax Clayton Currie Tide Pod Master Caudillo Stench HaileyBennett Rocks!

Miles EmILY Lola disteFUHno Bobrow Aleecha Flower Ryan Brocklehurst DaddyCanchola Franks Nathan Gage GregoCHECKYO’SELF Paris Carmody AcaciaCaudillo Bowl Christian Lil Clench Boat Sarah Ricegum Hailey Heredia Cox King VIII (; EmilyHenry Distefano BillyFowler Lara Alicja HannahFranks Left Samantha LilyGregorchuk Maxwell Gage McWeener Acacia Harrell DaddyHawes Peck Sailor Jalapeña Hector Heredia Clint Ryan Torres King Alexis Yovanno Liliana Lara Hannah Lee Mason Pena Billy Maxwell Ian McWeeney @the.cougar.press Bailey Peck Mason Pena @thecougarpressvhs Diego Roberto Kai Torres @thecougarpress Summer Yovanno

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News

The Bougar Press April Fools Edition Page Two

VHS is to be a dance free zone

Lil Boat

Parsi Carmax Holden Cox Daddy Franks @badluckbrick

With a new school year, it’s likely that new changes will ensue. Though most of the changes regarding teachers, classes, and the ever-changing parking lot regulations are not publicized to students until the new school year begins, there is one rumored change for the 2018-2019 school year that was recently confirmed in a confidential administrator meeting.

Next year, Ventura High School’s administration has decided to cancel all dances except Prom and Senior Ball. All other dances will no longer exist for VHS students.

This change was officially confirmed when ASB was told by VHS administrators that they had to cancel all planned dances for next year, except for Prom and Senior Ball.

Some students believe the change occured because the class of 2018 went “too hard,” while other students believe the juniors destroyed all of the fun. I have also heard quite a few students blame sophomores as well, for having “no Infographic by: BadLuckBrick

Get smart, say goodbye to late start

Infographic by: @badluckbrick

chill.”

Though administration would not confirm the reason for cancelling most school dances, many students believe it had something to do with the events that occured at Homecoming.

Some also believe it was because of how horrified Assistant Principal, Chris Murphy, was while watching students “get down on the dance floor.

Regardless, this is a significant change for the upcoming school year, as dances are a large part of high school culture.

ASB President, Philip Riley, said, “When I heard the news, I was shocked. I mean yes, there were issues at Homecoming, but

the administration’s decision to get rid of almost all dances next year is not something I expected. All I can do however, is wish the best of luck to next year’s ASB president as he or she tries to navigate that situation.”

Responding to the administration’s decision, senior Dash Debley said, “I’m graduating next year so this won’t affect me, but that sucks for all of the underclassmen. In my opinion, it was definitely the juniors that ruined it.”

So if any students reading this article had planned to jam out at next year’s dances, the chances of that happening have just plummeted.

For a long time, Wednesdays have always been the day for students to “sleep in” and go to school one hour later than normal. Students at Ventura High School are used to seeing the gold piece of paper stuck to their teachers wall with the bell schedule for Wednesday’s, also known as late start days.

Unfortunately for VHS students, they must say goodbye to those pieces of gold paper because late start days will no longer exist in the 2018-2019 school year.

In an effort to gain back school hours that were lost this year during the Thomas Fire and later because of heavy rain, Ventura Unified School District has decided to take away the 8:30 start time on Wednesdays, in addition to cutting down students’ summer vacations.

Carlitos Warren, the new VUSD board member, shared his thoughts on the matter: “I think this was the right thing to do considering students lost so many school hours and days when the fire struck.”

Sophomore Laura Kemble thinks getting rid of the late start schedule is a bad idea. “I look forward to Wednesdays so I can have an extra hour in the morning to do homework and catch up on some much needed sleep.”

Warren also claims that having a normal schedule all week will reduce traffic on Main and Catalina Streets.

Junior Katherine McKenzie agreed, saying, “I think that getting rid of late start is a good thing! On Wednesdays there is always so much traffic and it makes it so hard for me to get to the student parking lot on time.”

Kemble added, “I can’t believe I won’t be able to look up and see those gold schedule papers pinned up to my teachers wall! Every Wednesday I look forward to staring at the [gold] paper.”

Photo by: Lil Boat

Students are used to seeing 8:30 on the clock when the bell rings for first period.

Portables are to replace the parking lot Acacia Bowl Hannah Left Alexis Yovanno

With so many students at Ventura High School already and even more students that are expected to come next year, VHS administration decided that more classrooms, similar to the portables, will be constructed over the summer in the lower parking lot in order to have them ready for the 2018-2019 school year.

These new classrooms will allow the administration to hire more teachers, replacing all of those who are retiring this year, as well as reducing the amount of students in each class.

It is also rumored that VHS may be allowed to accept students for school of choice by increasing the square footage of their classrooms. However, this has not yet been approved by the district.

So what does this mean for students since their school is removing the primary student parking lot? Although these options may not satisfy everyone, the administration has three options for student parking.

The cheapest option for students is to park off campus.

If students do not want to park off campus, they can drive around the school and through the stadium parking lot -where people typically park for football games- as these parking stalls will

now be assigned to students on a first come first serve basis. The third and final option for students is that next year, the upper lot will be equipped with parking meters similar to the ones in downtown Ventura and will require a parking fee of one dollar per hour.

If a student parks in a space and fails to pay the fee, the first time the student will receive a warning. The second time, the student will have their parking pass revoked and the third time, the student’s car will be towed.

Students may be asking why the school is charging them money to park now; the reason is that VHS does not have enough funds needed for all of the construction they must make, so they are borrowing money from the district which must be paid back by the end of the school year.

VHS campus aid, Jamie Garcia, is in support of the parking meters, stating, “I think it will be a great way for the school to generate some revenue.

It can also prepare students for the parking they will have to use when they graduate high school.”

However, there are several students that do not want to park off campus and do not want to pay for parking in the upper lot. These students, they must go into the office during their orientation and pick a number from a jar, which will correlate with a specific parking stall in the lot behind the stadium.

Junior Jason Lowell commented, “If I got assigned a spot in the upper lot, I would pay someone that has a lower lot spot to switch me.” continued on... thecougarpress.org

Infographic by: Hannah Left

Features

The Bougar Press April Fool’s Edition Page Four

Will Weber get your vote?

Photo by: @badluckbrick

@badluckbrick

Undoubtedly, the 2016 election was one that will forever hold a spot in history as an interesting year in the political arena. When President Donald Trump first took office, citizens of the nation were either generally dismayed and taken aback, or ecstatic and celebratory.

This election created a significant divide amongst Trump’s supporters and his critics, who spar over everything from his administration’s actions to his tweets. After Trump’s first year as president, it’s been rumored that quite a few people will run against him in the 2020 election, from Oprah Winfrey to Bernie Sanders.

However, many students who are unsatisfied with all options are asking, “If I do not like either of those potential candidates, what can I do?”

AP Government students soon came to the conclusion that they should persuade more “qualified,” candidates to run for president. So third period AP Government students persuaded their teacher, Justin Weber, to run for president in the 2020 election.

“At first Weber was not into it, but his third period class started hyping him up and ultimately we convinced him to run for president. At first he was super worried about who would teach AP Government, but he’s had two student teachers just this year, so I told him he’d be fine,” said senior Cody Beeson, who is

Erin Jones: a crucible at VHS

“The competition was firece when it came to running for Weber’s campaign manager, but I’m proud to have come out victorious, and think I can help Weber secure the presidency,” Beeson said.

also Weber’s campaign manager.

Beeson also said, “I came up with a sick campaign slogan for him, it’s: Weber or not you know who to vote for, you are Justin time to support my campaign.”

In the next few months, students can expect to see campaign posters for Weber around campus.

“I know the election is not for a while, but there is no harm in putting yourself out there. I do have to admit this is quite the change for me, but it would not be possible without the support of my third period AP Government students,” Weber said.

Although it’s extremely early to begin the campaign process, Beeson has taken his job as Weber’s campaign manager

very seriously. “I plan to annihilate any and all competitors,” Beeson said.

Beeson also said that he plans to work day and night to make sure Weber receives the support he deserves.

According to a recent Twitter poll conducted by The Cougar Press, 76 percent of students voted, “Yes,” when asked if they would vote for Weber in the 2020 election and 24 percent answered, “no.”

“I don’t know about other students, but Weber has my vote!” exclaimed senior Charli Meyer.

To learn more about Weber’s campaign or to support him directly, students can visit weloveweber.org for more information.

King Henry VIII (;

King Henry VIII (; Avenlea Roberto

On Friday, March 16, Assistant Principal, Charles Cornwell, discovered surveillance camera footage of Advanced Placement teachers Mark Schmidt (United States History) and Erin Jones (English) viciously fighting in between the 50 and 60 buildings while searching for evidence of a student vandalizing the hallway.

The footage revealed that the fight was started and finished by Jones. She initiated the six minute fight, and finished victorious, with Schmidt on the ground with a broken nose.

Jones’ statement was that her class is superior, implying that Schmidt needed to pick up the pace when it comes to teaching, in order for his curriculum to line up with the

books she assigns her AP English students.

Jones stated, “I hit Transcendentalism before [Schmidt,] when it should have been the other way around.” Schmidt replied, “I already assign two chapters a week.”

After the meeting, Jones said, “[Schmidt] had it coming for him. I like to think of myself as a very tenacious and fierce person, so honestly I don’t know why he would even try to cross me. I have already assigned The Great Gatsby, so if I find out that he hasn’t been teaching the 1920s, he should watch his back.”

The compromise between the two teachers was never accomplished by Cornwell, leaving the AP teacher rivalry up in the air.

Therefore, students should keep their eyes open to see if Jones will uppercut Schmidt. continued on... thecougarpress.org

This year, Ventura High School’s beloved AP English and ERWC teacher, Erin Jones, announced her resignation from VHS.

This news is very shocking and I can only imagine how students must feel reading this. I can just hear a dispirited junior saying, “She was by far my favorite teacher I have ever had!”

Recently, Jones came down with the common flu virus and, during her leave, she realized how much she loves sitting at home and watching “Dance Moms.” This time off inspired her to live the stress free life most people dream of living.

When asked about her resignation, Jones said, “It is too bad… I was a spectacular teacher and not everybody was lucky enough to have me. There are definitely one or two kids I will kind of miss.”

When asked what other reasons are behind her mysterious departure, she said, “There are so many shows that I need to catch up on. I didn’t even finish the last season of ‘Friends,’ that is when I knew something wasn’t right. Syntax had

Photo by: Daddy Peck It is still a mystery who is taking over Jones’ class but Stoven is in no rush, “English does not matter anyway.”

taken over my life and I just need a really long-term break.”

Principal Starlos Stoven even confirmed Jones’s resignation and expressed no sorrow for Jones’s leave saying, “She was always so scary, like why did she have to have Saturday school- no other teachers gave me problems like she did.”

When told that she would be missed dearly by the majority of her students, Jones cried, “Everything in my life is just one big satiric juxtaposing anecdote and I’m sick of it!” continued on... thecougarpress.org

McEntyre is a fraud

The battle of the AP teachers

Infographic by: Avenlea Roberto

Daddy Peck

If you do not know Jared McEntyre personally or have not had him for Honors Biology or AP Environmental Science teacher, it is still very likely that students have heard his name around Ventura High School from other students. He is often described with the words nice, respectful, intelligent and most importantly, “environmentally aware.”

However, after an intensive, two-year study done by the Ventura Unified School District team of psychologists, they proved those descriptions are far from accurate.

From studying McEntyre’s daily behavior through webcams set up in his classroom, they found that he very regularly calls students “stupid,” references

the hard drug meth extremely often and even threatens to slap students’ faces after getting a question wrong. Thankfully, the webcam never caught any instances where McEntyre followed through on that promise of slapping. ` During quite a long interview with McEntyre, since his schedule is so open compared to other teachers, he commented on this situation and the rumors of him supposedly being a super good teacher: “I don’t know what everyone is talking about. They are wrong. Entirely wrong. I’m not a nice guy. I hate my students, my job and most of all, the planet.”

So basically, a teacher that has devoted his life to educating the next generation about how to save the earth, does not care about the planet himself. The webcams showed multiple times on a daily basis where McEntyre did not Photo by:

The Yosemite Firefall

Photo by: King Henry VIII (;

One of McEntyre’s favorite things to do while teaching his AP Environmental Science class is to draw the earth like a flat circle.

recycle, but instead, he littered.

Worst of all, he was caught lighting small cooking fires to heat his lunches.

One of the most riveting discoveries is that this grown man continually supports the idea and teaches his students that the earth is flat.

When McEntyre was asked about his love for nature and riding his bike, he responded, “To be perfectly honest, those stories of nature are all made up, I just say stuff that I have seen in pictures and movies. And for riding my bike, I never ride it, all I do is leave it in my classroom the entire year, so I can drive my gas guzzling Chevrolet to school every single day.”

During the most recent school-wide teacher conference, McEntyre was asked about his teaching methods, and responded, “... I feel like the most effective method is old videos from the late 1900s that are not really relevant anymore.”

Overall, the study’s results showed that McEntyre should change professions, since everything that bothers him is connected to his day job. However, the study was unable to solve the mystery of why students that suffer through his classes, continue to say, “McEntyre is the best,” because frankly, it just does not make any sense. continued on... thecougarpress.org

Features

The Bougar Press April Fool’s Edition Page Five

Making a splash with a new skin Photo from: Zenta Hero

Billy Lara

For Ventura High School students, all Physical Education classes will be taking on a new swim suit dress code in the 2018-2019 school year.

According to administration, the reasoning behind implementing a swimsuit dress code next year is because P.E. teachers feel that some of the swimsuits worn in class are very inappropriate.

VHS P.E. teacher, Gary Larson, explained, “Some students, especially girls, exit the locker room in very scandalous bottoms and tops. They avert my students’ attention from my instruction and I do not appreciate it. Therefore I asked the administration to implement a non-provocative swim suit dress code for all students.”

Students will now be required to wear a swim unitard in their P.E. classes during any instruction in the pool or on the pool deck. The new swim unitards are black and gold, and will be given to every student on one condition: each P.E. student must sign a contract saying that

Photo from: Photo by: Daddy Franks

if the unitard is lost or damaged upon return, the student owes VHS 100 dollars.

According to Larson, “If students do not wear the proper unitard, they will automatically fail P.E.”

This rule will not be limited to P.E. classes, but it will extend to any student or administrator that enters the VHS pool under any circumstance, including all aquatic sport teams and students who participate in the annual

cardboard boat races.

According to administrator Carlos Wyatt, “P.E. students will not be the only students punished for not wearing the proper unitard. All cardboard boat race competitors found out of swim dress code will be disqualified and all athletes will be benched.”

Junior Sally Watkins said, “I was really looking forward to the cardboard boat races next year and now I’m not even sure if I want to participate.”

Daddy Franks

This year, chemistry teachers have been noticing some interesting connections amongst students in their classes. Students have been experiencing chemical reactions not only in their labs, but in their hearts. Yes, teachers are saying they can sense the love in the air.

This newfound love in Chemistry classes, although charming, is causing some teachers to be concerned about potential distractions and the lack of academic efficiency from their students.

Ventura High School

Chemistry teacher, Karen Reynosa, said, “Some of my kids have been partnering up more during labs and homework. A few of them have even started holding hands in class!

I’m all about love, but we have to draw the line somewhere.”

“It is very easy to bond with someone when they are helping you with your homework on covalent bonds, you just feel… connected,” junior Stan Smith said.

Junior Connor Greene shares his Chemistry class love story with junior Bailey Peck: “Chemistry class has just brought up so much new chemistry between Bailey and I and everytime we do a lab, sparks fly.”

Do you like animals? Then this is what you should zoo

Photo from: Urban Dictionary

Even Urban Dictionary seems to think health class sucks, they know they are so much better.

According to a survey by The Bougar Press, 1 in 3 students use Urban Dictionary on a daily basis, from looking up slang words to...nevermind.

The Zoo York Times recently published an article researching the positive benefits of learning essential information on the internet, rather than from the trustworthy and knowledgeable adults that are found in public schools.

Ventura High School health teacher, Story Sanderson, said he just can not keep up with the endless amounts of useful information that Urban Dictionary has to offer.

So what does this mean for students? That is right, Health class is officially dead.

Principal Starlos Stoven agreed, saying “I use it to teach my kids about the birds and the bees – it’s a good reference.”

Many VHS students

Greene lovingly gazes into the eyes of his soulmate, junior Bailey Peck during a chemistry lab in Reynosa’s classroom.

The new unitards were designed by Principal Carlos Cohen.

What the Health?!

Daddy Peck

Sparks fly in Chemistry… And not from a bunsen burner

would agree that the only reason they take Health is because it is a requirement for graduation.

According to a recent Twitter poll conducted by The Cougar Press, 100 percent of students said “Yes,” when asked if they got all of their sexual education on Urban Dictionary.

Freshman Suzie McLovin states, “My family is religious, so when I get computer time I spend it all on Urban Dictionary!”

When asked if Urban Dictionary is more informational than Health class, junior Henry Thacker said, “[potentially offensive political joke] so I think yes indeed. v.ery factual.”

Junior Connor Greene agreed, “Urban Dictionary teaches me stuff that health class cannot.”

Sanderson expressed sorrow about his job loss: “I really needed the money, but I guess the district has a good point. So say goodbye to useless classes and wasted time VHS!” continued on... thecougarpress.org

Clayton Curleading

Next year, Ventura High School will be offering a new class, Zoology. The class will teach students how to train and care for animals of all species.

The class will be taught

by Zoe Wilson, a VHS alumna and Keeper’s Aid at the Santa Barbara Zoo. When interviewed, Wilson said, “When I was in high school, I really wanted to do more with animals, but there were no classes I could take. So I talked with some people at the district and they hired me to start teaching this class.”

When students heard about the new class, over 300 students petitioned for it to be offered solely at VHS. So no, no

10 7 4 2 1

Graph by: Clayton Curleading

other high school within VUSD will offer Zoology for it’s students.

The class will count as an applied art and will be a year long class. During first semester, Photo by: Clayton Curleading

At her current job, Wilson works with various species of animals at the Santa Barbara Zoo.

students will learn how to care for, raise and train mammals. Students can pick one mammal to work with for the semester or work with multiple mammals. Some of the mammals available to work with will be: horses, rabbits, dogs, cats and bats.

During second semester, students will work with and raise reptiles. Some of the reptiles they can work with are snakes, geckos, bearded dragons and other assorted lizards.

“I really wish I could be here next year to take the class, it sounds really fun and interesting,” said senior Thea Kravashy.

The class will take place on the senior lawn until a proper building can be constructed to house the class and the animals and will be offered during first, second, and fourth period.

On Bampus

The Bougar Press April Fool’s Edition Page Six

Billy Bounce challenge breaks students’ legs

Make someone pissed by giving a kiss Lily Maxwell

Avenlea Roberto

The latest dance trend at Ventura High School is the “Billy Bounce.” This unique dance requires hip, knee and leg movement while bouncing.

While the Billy Bounce is the latest, it certainly is not the greatest.

The Billy Bounce has broken sophomore Stephen Martinez’s legs. He has been out of school and sports for a month, and will not return for another two weeks. Once he returns, he will continue to be in a wheelchair for an “indefinite amount of time,” according to his doctor’s orders.

“One in five teens who choose to do this dance move will suffer from Billy Bounceidis.”

-Greenbean

To Billy Bounce, one bends their knees inwards, lifting their right leg up,

Infographic by: Avenlea Roberto

bringing it forward toward the left knee and puts the right leg down. These motions are then repeated with the left leg.

One might ask, “What’s the scientific reasoning for these accidents?” According to Jon Green-bean in his latest Crash Course, he explained that it is due to the r ubbing of the internal knee bone and the rapid muscle movement of the femur.

Green-bean even said that, “1 in five teens who choose to do this dance move will suffer from Billy Bounceidis.”

Junior Delaney Valdez is notorious for perfor ming the dance with her friends and uploading it to social media. When asked how she stays safe and doesn’t break bones, she said, “I have come close to breaking my knees, but luckily I am good enough at it now. I don’t have to wor r y anymore.”

In response to the Billy Bounce crisis sweeping campus, VHS will be setting up a support group for those who have been injured by the Billy Bounce. The group will meet during lunch in the librar y on the first Friday of ever y month.

Keep clean with new vending machines

The flavors of condoms will be the same as the flavors for juices offered.

EmILY DisteFUHno

To my knowledge, there are at least four vending machines scattered around Ventura High School’s campus. In regards to these vending machines, it is rumored that next year they will contain new snacks and possibly other products.

Several students I know have gone into the office to complain about only having access to unwanted snacks that no one ever buys.

That being said, what can Ventura High School put in it’s vending machines that would actually satisfy the students?

Perhaps not access to better snacks but instead, easy access to certain items students would actually need.

For female students at VHS, what should they do when they unexpectedly start their

period at school? More often than not, students may be unprepared and not have the supplies they need to solve the problem in that situation. Senior Jenna Gomez suggests that “The school needs to give girls the option to have easy access to feminine products.

This type of thing happens to me and many other girls all the time, and I wish the school would do something about it.”

To solve this problem, VHS has decided to put tampons and pads into every school vending machine throughout campus, starting in the 2018-2019 school year. According to Principal Carl Cohort, a box containing three tampons will be priced at one dollar, as will a box of pads.

Another item that will soon be added to the school vending machines are condoms. continued on... thecougarpress.org

Hugging is still accepted however, hugs must be given with the side of the students bodies.

The rule is extreme because VHS has tried to be a PDA-free zone since 2008, but students have always disregarded this rule. Because of this, VHS administrators are looking to hire PDAP, or PDA police, to enforce the rule.

The new rule states, “Students will not show any form of public affection. This

Tide pods: the forbidden fruit Tide Pod Master Gage GregorCHECKYO’SELF Ricegum

Photo byEmILY DisteFUHno

Most students at some point in their life have walked down the hallways, and passed a couple that is displaying more than enough affection for their comfort. If this has happened to you, there is no need to worry about having these awkward encounters any longer!

Starting second semester at Ventura High School, a new rule will be put in place. There are to be no more public displays of affection.

This rule will not be limited to extreme acts of PDA, but includes hardly any PDA at all.

includes kissing, hand holding, groping, locking arms and playing with one another’s feet. Hugging is still accepted however, hugs must be given with the side of the students bodies (also known as a “side hug”) and must be no longer than two seconds.”

This rule will be enforced through the following steps: the first time a student is caught they will receive a warning, the second time a student is caught a parent/ guardian will be notified and the student must serve a detention, the third time a student is caught they will be escorted to and from each of their classes by a campus security guard.

When VHS junior, Hailey Elson, was told about this new rule, her reaction was similar to other students who are currently in a relationship where both partners attend VHS: “Even though my boyfriend and I tend to keep our PDA down, we still like to have a little smooch from time to time. We never do it in front of administration because that is just awkward, so I don’t see the issue. I’m sure students see more than a little affection on the daily,” Elson said.

When Assistant Principal Susan Eberhart was questioned about the new rule, she said, “I feel that PDA uses students time and energy that should be used for academics.”

So next time students think of leaning in, they should look out!

This year, the first meme of 2018 arose in January; the “tide pod challenge.”

The “tide pod challenge” is a challenge where people dare another person to eat a tide pod. Yes, the laundry detergent capsule.

A survey given to all students by Ventura High School says that almost 90 percent of students and staff members reported eating tide pods for breakfast, lunch or dinner.

At VHS alone, I have seen students eat tide pods at lunch, during break, and even during class. It has even been rumored that a snack bar

worker, who wishes to remain anonymous for safety reasons, is selling tide pods to students in bulk for a very reasonable price they can not resist.

Because of the tide pod epidemic, over 30 VHS students have died from consuming too many tide pods at once, along with 10 VHS staff members who passed away as well. When asked what VHS is doing in response to the lives that were lost to tide pod consumption, ASB president Philip Riley said, “ASB is trying to work with the administration to have a funeral to honor their memory.”

At all local Targets, tide pod consumption has forced the corporation to lock up the laundry detergent capsules.

Senior Alan Rubalcava said, “I used to go to Target

Photo by: Ricegum

Original flavored tide pods ready to be cooked and eaten.

every day and buy tide pods…

I’m addicted.” When asked what his favorite flavor of tide pods are Rubalcava said, “I like the original.” Rubalcava also reported having eaten tide pods for over 8 months already saying,“I eat a bucket a day.”

When asked if he is aware of the dangers tide pods cause, he said, “Yes, but I just can’t help myself.”

In addition to Rubalcava, other VHS students feel strongly about tide pods.

Junior Kyle Mesch stated, “The white ones taste like pineapple but are not that good.

My favorite one is the orange one because it tastes like a cross between orange and tangerine, with a little mix of grape soda.”

Freshman Carl Burts said, “When it comes to tide pods, my favorite flavor is easily the green. It has a strange mint flavor and it really helps with bad breath.” Burts even said he would choose eating tide pods over any other food.

Because of the popularity tide pods have gained, Tide company director, Stephen Pod, said the company plans to release a “mass gainer” tide pod.

When 100 VHS athletes were surveyed, 97 percent of them said they would easily trade in a pre-workout drink or a protein shake for a mass gainer tide pod. continued on... thecougarpress.org

Distractions

The Bougar Press April Fool’s Edition Page Seven

Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

Lick me ;)

Cherry

Graph by: Bella Bobrow and emILY DisteFUHno

Ventura High School prides itself on numerous AP classes, great attendance records and highly educated teachers. But are VHS students really learning the material that they need to prepare for college? In a poll conducted by The Cougar Press, almost 90 percent of students do not know the first president of the United States, something that is taught in both fifth grade and United States history. Even more alarming, almost 50 percent of students don’t know our current vice president. To test the intelligence of our student body, students were interviewed using questions from the reality television show “Are you Smarter Than a Fifth Grader.” Questions were from subjects such as math, geography, history, science, and art from fifth grade curriculum. Although not all these questions are necessary to get job or go to college, it leaves one wondering the degree to which our current curriculum has served our students here at VHS. Watch the video on thecougarpress.org

Top 10 VHS conspiracy theories TEN The earth is flat. Common theory all around the world.

NINE VHS was once Ventura College. According to twitter poll conducted by The Cougar Press, 99 percent of students believe this. It could be true, but this reporter still wonders what the one percent has to say.

EIGHT The Drama Department is slowly taking more and more students into it’s fold, in attempts to gain popularity in the school system in order to get more funds.

SEVEN VHS does not have access to it’s connection settings, making it impossible to allow students -or anyone on campus using school wifito access Youtube, Twitter, Facebook, etc….

SIX VHS art teachers take their students’ work, copy them, and sell them to unsuspecting people who believe that they were made by professional artists.

FIVE The math one, two and TWO three system is actually just a state policy which is The print edition that trying to make math classes comes out on March 29 is even more difficult. nothing but a hoax, and is written months in advance FOUR The school is adding small of the edition coming out. brick circles to various areas around the school ONE in attempts to summon Cohen is a lizard person. a demon, angel, cthulhu, The principal of the school etc….

Sources vary, but according to Jack is secretly a lizard man Handsome, “The students who is slowly integrating who are here during the more lizard people into the summoning are going current young population to be used as sacrifices for whatever it is they’re so we do not care if we are ever exposed. summoning.”

Have you ever...

1. Done the cinnamon challenge?

A. Yes 2. Consumed a delicious Tidepod?

A. Yes

B. No B. No

3. If so what flavor did you consume?

A. Green Apple C. Original

B. Cherry D. Grape

4. Burned your hand with the Salt and Ice challenge?

A. Yes

B. No

5. Spiced yourself out with the Ghost Pepper challenge?

A. Yes B. No 6. Set yourself on fire with the fire challenge?

A. Yes

THREE Physical Education teachers will recommend three years of Physical Education in order to help combat the increasing obesity rates in America.

B. No

If you answered Yes to one or more of the above, then you are stupid!

New printing technology allows paper to be printed with taste

Daily Horoscope Aries (March 21-April 19) Are you feeling lonely today?

Well you should be, there’s not many people willing to deal with you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Oh no, that shopping spree you want to go on will have to cancel. I’m afraid your egotistical attitude will cause you to go bankrupt soon.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Today is a rough day. You may lose some friends and a bird will probably poop on you. Just try and relax a bit.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Don’t be so bitter, it’s not your fault all your friends betrayed you.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) You are so annoying today, stop being so emotional and petty, it’s not all about you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Your optimism is your downfall.

Stop being so happy because today is definitely going to suck.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) You’re like a chihuahua, calm down. Your high-pitched voice is glass-breaking.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) You’re miserable, everybody can tell. I hope whatever mess you’ve gotten yourself into will subside soon- but it probably won’t

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Your superstitious side has gotten the best of you, burn some sage, the ghosts you see will disappear soon.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Your independence has made you socially awkward, you’ll have fix that soon if you want to maintain your relationships.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You think you’re innocent? You thought, I see expulsion in your midst today.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) You’re very weak-willed, you’re going to fail at everything today.

Don’t worry it’s only one day.

Best Boy of the year award: Micah Wilcox

Micah Wilcox (pictured right), a junior at Bentura High School, has been awarded the annual “Best Boy” award. The award was first awarded to VHS alum Cole Sodagreen because he was the best boy last year, and this year the best boy is Wilcox, so congratulations to him. Wilcox is known for being a seagull rights advocate, and strong opposer of greek yogurt haters. He loves to take long walks through the band room in his free time, and thinks trap music is the best thing since sliced tomatos. He aspires to win the best boy award next year, but will have to run against Assistant Principal Chris Murphy.

Photo by: King Henry VIII (;

VHS On... Vines

The Bougar Press April Fool’s Edition Page Eight Photos by: The Squad

Photos by: emILY DisteFUHno

“Hi. Welcome to Chili’s”, said Boys Bathroom.

“Wait. Oh, yes, wait a minute, Mr. Postman.

I promise not to eat you”, stated VHS Cougar.

“AHH...Stahp. I coulda’ dropped mah croissant”, stated Trash Can Seagull.

“Oh hi, thanks for checking in I’m still a piece of garrbaagge”, stated Art Soup Trash Can.

“Girl, you’re thicker than a bowl of oatmeal”, said Memorial Bench.

*Blowing vape on table* *camera man blows it away* “ADAM”, said VHS Statue.

Photos by: The Squad