#9
Black
The Perks of Being a Cat Lady Kitten Questions for Dayz, Meow.
THECLOCK
April 26, 2013
Brenda Shively Staff Writer
T
o Meow Mixes and their Humans,
I’d like to start things off on a serious paw. As you may have noticed, much of this week’s issue has been dedicated to the Boston Marathon tragedy. For the past week, it has been amazing to see the PSU campus come together as a true community in support of our Boston brothers and sisters. And so we stand in solidarity, whether it be as Plymouth state students, New Englanders, or cat ladies. We are all reminded that together we stand strong--Boston strong. For me, this week is all about connecting with the Plymouth community, remembering to make every day count with the people that I love. And to my readers, I love you all. I do, I really do. As such, I’m pleased to announce that the Plymouth State Cat Lady has received her first official cat questions! You better believe it! I even have two sets of cat questions from two separate people whose affinity for cats is just as great as mine is. Take that, all you dog lovers and non-cat-believers. Cat lady is totally a legitimate profession; don’t tread on me. Let’s begin with my fountain of kitty knowledge. Kelley (who loves kitties) Wren writes: “So I’ve been reading your Cat Lady articles and CRACK UP EACH TIME! I absolutely love it. My roommate and I will sit for an ungodly amount of type watching “silly cat videos” or scrolling through cat photos. You said no one ever sends you questions about cats, which is bogus, but I have a few for you. Coming in hot!” “What’s your favorite kind of kitty?” All the meow mixes. But if I had to describe my favorite, I guess I would say fluffies that snuggle, have stripes, purr all the time, and are willing to learn how to fetch. Also, lions.
“Why are bengal cats (the sweetest looking ones) so damn expensive?” Ah, a science question. Bengal cats, or Prionailurus bengalensis, are a fancy breed. The result of cross breeding a domesticated cat with an Asian leopard cat, bengals are so expensive because they’re imported. Travel to and from Asia is quite the expenisve feat. the price of these kitties on US soil only reflects this international transportation. Just keep in mind that these little leopard fuzzballs are expensive, but totally worth it. “Orange cats or Black cats?” Both. Halloween is always a good time. “Cats in water or cats in boxes (I’d go with boxes)?” Well Kelley, while both have their advantages, I think I’d have to side with cats in boxes. On rare occassions, cats in water can get drippy, droopy, and sad, but cats in boxes are always fantastically fun felines. This next anonymous reader didn’t preface his or her highly imperative cat questions with any witty anecdote or celebration of my biweekly genius, but nonetheless I will still answer these meow mix questions. “Preventive methods to keep my cat off the counter?” Easy fix, don’t have a counter. If that fails, try installing shorter counters. This can be done by professionals or with a sledgehammer on a rainy day. Cats really like the challenge of heights. The higher it is, the more likely the adventurous feline will climb anything and everything in its path to get to the counter. You may have to lay flat on your stomach to make your Easy Mac, but your cat’s attention will now be focused on the fridge instead of the ever-so-welcoming counter space. “How can I get him to use his new 25 DOLLAR scratching post?” Eh, that might be a lost cause. Cats are like toddlers sometimes. You can buy them the
9
fancy toys, but in the end, they’ll always go for the cardboard boxes and the choking-hazardgrocery-bags. “Where do you get your cute kitty outfits?” Walmart, of course. I find the discount animal outfits are always representative of current kitty fashion trends. Although, you should never limit yourself to just one store. For example, Kevin’s Aunt Ali once bought him a leather jacket from a Build-A-Bear store. He loved it and looked quite dapper all at the same time. “How can I train my cat that he is NOT getting fed until 7am and NOT earlier than that?” Try giving him a midnight snack before you go to bed. That might help to curb his appetite until a time that is socially acceptable in the human world. A cat’s inner clock makes less sense than Calculus. “How can I make my cat stop biting my hand?” Bite him back. “What’s the best diet for a cat?” Tuna. Just like the ancient days, just like Egypt. “Weight loss tips for my fat kitty cat?” Probably not tuna. Try a nice garden salad and implement an exercise regiment. It may not be a well known fact, but cats actually do love to be strapped into harnesses and taken for walks outside, especially when they’re dressed in tutus. Great questions, about your fluffies, team. This has been your local Plymouth State Cat Lady. Pick up a copy of our next print issue to read more about the perks of being a cat lady. If you have any cat issues, you would like me to address, send me an email at bmshively@ plymouth.edu. Email me. Really. Y’all just read how well this week went. Let’s keep it going. As always, sass on and stay purrfect.
COURTESY PHOTOS/ TEGAN DONNELLY