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Volume 4

Sesquicentennial Edition

may 19, 2014


gusto kubiak

| clarion



Letter from the (now-former) Editor May 19, 2014 As the year closes and our friends at other universities remind us about how they’ve been done with school for weeks, DU students are left to wallow in the spring and push through the final weeks of what feels like a dreadfully long spring quarter. This year’s magazine helps mark DU’s sesquicentennial anniversary; throughout the publication you will find several partially re-published articles that we found relevant to this milestone for DU. We hope that you take some solace in this magazine, and enjoy this romp that’s published every May as a part of DU’s May Days celebrations on campus. The Best of DU serves as our final project at the Clarion, the culmination of hours of work from our editors and staff on this lighthearted project. Although the articles are hyperbolic satire and meant to characterize DU in humorous lights, some of the issues raised herein are very serious ones indeed. Inasmuch that we all enjoy giving a good ribbing to this institution, we also know the amazing opportunities it presents us with. We all joke about broken elevators, our non-mascot and campus administration, but this space, this culture and these people, our fellow students, have all shaped our future, hopefully in a positive way. I remain yours, Alex Johnson DU Clarion Editor-in-Chief 2013-2014

May 19, 2014 2014 Best of DU contributors: Katerina Arzhayev Chief Photographer

Alex Johnson Editor Emeritus

Kaitlynne Birkett Copy Chief

Brandon Tate Senior Reporter

Naomi Forman Staff Writer

Gusto Kubiak Photography Editor

Lanna Giauque Editor-in-Chief The Best of DU is an annual tradition on campus. It has been distributed during DU May Days since 2011; written anonymously by Clarion staff, it reflects neither the opinions of the University of Denver, nor its faculty or staff. The opinions expressed by columnists and contributing writers do not necessarily reflect those of The Clarion.

2055 E. Evans Ave. – 303-871-3131 – Twitter: @DUClarion – Instagram: @DUClarion

Editorial Board lanna giauque carli hansen

News Editor

camilla sterne

Lifestyles Editor

connor davis

Assistant Lifestyles Editor paul heinen

Web Editor

Staff Writers Sawyer D’Argonne Naomi Forman

Staff Photographers


breanna demont

Managing Editor

alex johnson

Editor Emeritus

Andrew Matranga

Co-Copy Chief

emma mckay

Opinions Editor

meg mcintyre

Photography Editor

gusto kubiak

Entertainment Editor Social Media Director

calvin jouard

logan baker

Sports Editor

Senior Reporters

Kaitlynne Birkett Jillian Queri Brandon Tate

Emily Krebs

Faculty Adviser

kaitlynne birkett

Business Manager Roderick O’Dorisio

Assistant Editor

Online and Digital Sales Lead

JD Arora

Advertising Manager

Adrienne Leonard

May 19, 2014

Table of Contents:

Campus Culture Best Way to Spend $100,000 and Get Literally Nothing Done................................................................5 Special DU@150 supplement: Women Pioneer Path at DU..........................................................................5 Best Internet to Never Connect, Ever..................................................................................................6 Best Form of On-Campus Entertainment......................................................................................................6 Best Course Offered at DU.......................................................................................................................7 Best Professorial Tattoo............................................................................................................................7 HEAD-TO-HEAD: Which Is the Best New Student Organization?............................................................8 HEAD-TO-HEAD: Which Restaurant Is the Best After a Night Out?.........................................................10 Best Chancellor We’ll Never Forget........................................................................................................12 Best Way for the Sturm College of Law to Save Money...........................................................................12 Best Sandwich You’ve Never Had..........................................................................................................13

Resident Life Best Way to Spend Your Money.................................................................................................................15 Best Way to Spend $700,000 With No Regrets.............................................................................................15 Best Campus Crime Reports from 2013-2014 ........................................................................................16 Best Way to Get One’s Exercise....................................................................................................................18 Best Dorm In Need of a Facelift..........................................................................................................................18

Around Town Best Non-DU Affiliated Website.................................................................................................................20 Best Apartment Complex to Take All of Your Money...................................................................................21 Best Bar to Avoid Underage Students...........................................................................................................21 Best Campus Happy Hour.......................................................................................................................22 Best Place To Study....................................................................................................................................23 Special DU@150 supplement: The History of Winter Carnival...............................................................23


Campus Culture

gusto kubiak

| clarion

Campus Culture

May 19, 2014



Form a mascot committee and get no results It’s only ever so appropriate that the incoming student body, comprised of students aged sixteen to seventy six, not find anything in common besides the campus on which they attend class. Who wants to be tied together by a unifying fetish. No, not the kind of fetish your roommate tries to hide: a fetish as in an inanimate object worshipped because it is inhabited by a spirit. In this case, the spirit of the student body. We can call ourselves the Pioneers, but thanks to shenanigans that have cost us well over the $100,000 estimate, we aren’t actually pioneers anymore, and in fact, haven’t been

since the 2007-08 season. The mascot committee appointed in 2011 had 76 members — more than the final Broncos roster, but that’s ok because at least we got further than the Broncos (oh wait no, we didn’t). Losing a hundred grand might not be so bad in retrospect, as one student pays the university double that just for a four year education, but hurt feelings remain. Anyone remember “Mile-High Cyrus”? The Red-Vested Jackalope that the Mascot Development Project tried to push on students did not fare well with the student body. I don’t understand why this animated embodiment of Miley Cyrus was not seen to illustrate the ideals of the DU student

This article is re-printed in part from the April 23, 2014 Clarion. The full article is available at http:// meg mcintyre Entertainment Editor

While many colleges and universities across the United States did not begin accepting women as students until well into the 20th century, the University of Denver has been a co-educational institution since shortly after DU first opened its doors in 1864. The university did not begin actively seeking female students until the early 1880s, but during the period

body - things like respect, diversity, and inclusivity. When she performed at the VMA’s, the foam finger she used as a prop was very respectfully included in the performance, in a diversity of ways. For me, the problem isn’t that DU is only one of about twenty colleges in the nation without a mascot, it’s coming up with excuses for my parents about why they haven’t gotten proper spirit gear. When my Mom visited the campus, the first stop was the bookstore. Mind you, while it’s nice and all to buy a $40 t-shirt that says “University of Denver” on it in a fancy font, she wasn’t thrilled. It seems like she isn’t the only person: many DU

Women pioneer path at DU between 1884 and 1899, women constituted over a quarter of all of DU’s graduates. DU saw its first female graduate in 1886, when Helen Fuller Officer graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree. Officer was one of only two people in her graduating class and attended classes at DU’s original downtown campus. [ ... ] One year later, in 1887, Eleanor Lawney became the first woman to graduate from a Colorado medical institution as a graduate of DU’s College of Medicine. After her graduation, Lawney served as president on the State Board of Charities and Corrections and worked at Denver Children’s Hospital. In 1900, Emma Azalia Hackley, the first African American woman to graduate from

students and alums have been pressured by the administration to get rid of the clothing and other items that feature Boone. Obviously, image is huge for the reputation of a school, which is probably why last year DU spent over $200,000 on developing a new logo. Thousands of letter heads, envelopes, business cards, maps, and informational material had to be re-printed. So don’t be upset that as a university, you are not represented by a traditional mascot – at least we have a cool, unique crest! (Oh wait, didn’t we steal that idea from Harvard and every other school on this planet?)

DU, received her degree in music. Hackley was relatively well known as a singer, teacher, conductor and composer in the music industry throughout her life. She was also involved in women’s suffrage and racial equality efforts and founded the Colored Women’s League in Denver. Other notable alumnae throughout DU’s history include Rebecca Ann Dreman, named Miss America in 1974, Home Depot CEO Carol Tomé, silver and bronze Olympic figure skating medalist Michelle Kwan and former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.


Campus Culture

May 19, 2014

BEST INTERNET TO NEVER CONNECT, EVER: If you want to find yourself without internet access for prolonged periods of time, PioneerNet is—without a doubt—the best choice for you. Not only will it fill your computer’s memory with DUrelated joy, continuously requiring you to reinstall the NetGear program for a grand total of 2 MB of space for (sometimes daily or even hourly) download,

it will randomly cut out, slow down or kick you off your website of choice, giving you all the thrills you could ever hope for from your internet provider. Got a big presentation coming up? Ho p e f u l l y you don’t need to access the web during. What about in-class final? Good luck with

accessing the Internet. May the odds be ever in your favor, fair Pioneers. Another important feature to keep in mind is PioneerNet’s ability to simply stop working at random and unannounce d times for hours on end. This can effectively prevent you from accessing Blackboard, doing research or otherwise

PioneerNet completing your homework until the very last minute, so even your most ultimate and adrenaline-filled thrillseeker desires will be met. If you think that a service that meets your needs so completely may be out of your price range, think again! PioneerNet is available at the bargain price of about $50,000 per year.


“Helping” tour guides We’ve all seen them: the forced-smile, caffeine-filled, colorcoordinated tour guides leading packs of awkward high schoolers (and the parents that embarrass them) around campus. Our tireless leaders of campus recruiting do their best to convince these youngins that DU is the best school for them. It is the least the rest of us can do to help them accomplish their jobs, and perhaps give everyone involved a good laugh while doing it. Luckily, the task is not a challenging one. For example, if you get a campus safety call late at night telling you an armed bike thief is raging through campus, make sure to approach a tour group the next day

and share this information with the families on the tour. This will give the students and their families an invaluable glimpse into daily campus life, and will also help you improve your conversation skills. If you have pressing information to share but feel bad interrupting the tour guide’s spiel about the history of the Mary Reed building, feel free to pull out your phone and have a loud, fake conversation about the amazing hookup you had last night. This is the kind of information that will be especially interesting to high school seniors. Some visitors on these tours may learn better through visual observation than through conversation. In this case, it

is suggested you adopt a more interactive approach. For example, why not try a light saber war that takes you straight through the tour group, or a Frisbee match with a stray throw that ends up flying right through the tour guide? Perhaps these could even be most effective if performed in your underwear—keep in mind that you want to represent your pastimes (and your average daily attire) in an accurate fashion. If you know the tour guide, feel free to holler from several yards away about the raging party you both went to last night, how crazy he or she got, and just how hungover you still are. If you’re lucky enough to have one of the first

floor JMAC rooms that will inevitably be frequented by practically every tour group that comes through campus, you have an especially important duty to help relay the realities of campus living. Why not time your shower routine around when you expect the tours? This way, you can welcome the tour into your room wearing only a towel. Clearly, there are many ways to get involved with recruiting new students to campus, and there’s plenty of room to be creative about new options. Just remember to always interact directly with groups, be brutally honest, and— most importantly—have fun!

Campus Culture

May 19, 2014



American Government Simulation (SimGov)

If banging gavels, giving melodramatic one-minute speeches, America, being appalled and elated, drafting bills and sitting through committee hearings is for you, then take Professor Seth Masket’s American Government Simulation class, also known as SimGov. Take it any way you can, for whatever reason, because it’s hands-down the best course offered at DU. Imagine a room on the fourth floor of Sturm Hall filled with political science geeks with lofty ideas about liberty and government and equality, empowered by their youthful, raging ambitions and years of political engagement. That’s a brief primer of SimGov. Freshmen and ye young folk be aware; this class is full of people who’ve worked on campaigns, worked in the capitol and who generally know what they’re

talking about. And to the other side, your position is wrong. Always. The class has 30 members and mirrors the membership of the real House of Representatives, meaning that 13 students portray Democrats and 17 portray Republicans. This creates great tension between those foaming-at-themouth, rabid liberals who want to cut defense and tax the U.S. into oblivion and the knuckle-dragging conservatives who want to ravage the Earth for its resources and criminalize all abortions. The class teaches not only able teamwork and compromise, but also gives many practical lessons on Congress and electoral politics. For example, when a Republican in a tough reelection battle in Colorado votes to increase the minimum wage and then votes to reform Social Security, what will the effect be back home in his district? What about when the majority is one vote short of

a quorum and the minority party stages a walkout? Take the class and find out. The answer to the latter question, though, is that the majority locks the minority in the hall, rams the vote through and then shuts down any attempt at dissent from the appalled minority. True story. Don’t be intimidated by the 80+ page manual to the class, which can be used a tome on parliamentary procedure and double as a weapon to beat the House Minority Leader when he/ she acts out of order. And trust me, he/she will. Masket, the chair of the Political Science department, is himself a bona fide politico; he’s appeared on FOX News, written numerous books and is incredibly knowledgeable about parliamentary procedure, American government, elections and the massive body of scholarship in his discipline. Plus, he’s really into Star Wars, so that’s cool. He’s the kind of Star Wars

fan who has a “Han Solo encased in Carbonite” iPhone case. He has the wisdom of Yoda, the foresight of Qui-Gon Jinn and knows how to wield power better than Emperor Palpatine. Masket seems to devote all of his time and energy to this class, which is part of what makes it so enjoyable for students. He runs a blog for the class, modeled like a newspaper called the SimGov Sentinel. He also operates a Twitter page for the class, and regularly tweets out snarky floor speech remarks, information about class updates, bills, etc. At the end of the class, he aggregates all of the votes taken by members and compares them to their real-life counterparts. Masket is a model educator who makes students care about the course and challenges them to work as hard as he does.


Professor Frederique Chevillot, French Department You might expect a French professor to live up to one or more of several stereotypes typically associated with the Francophone culture; perhaps your prof dresses in a beret and horizontally-striped black and white shirt; perhaps he or she treats the American culture with a marked disdain and chagrin; perhaps he or she smokes cigarettes and has a tiny, wispy mustache that’s elaborately curled; or perhaps your professor has a

certain je ne sais quoi that suddenly makes you want to spend long hours abed with some of Baudelaire’s more bawdy poetry. But professor Frederique Chevillot, the most badass person in the department, defies all the stereotypes. One way she does this is with her incomparably badass tattoo of “Om,” a Sanskrit symbol associated with numerous Eastern religions, such as Hinduism and Buddhism. The ink jumps out in a myriad color

scheme reminiscent of a rainbow. The meaning of “om” is nebulous and vague.That’s also how almost all of the rules of French grammar are defined—contextual and relative. And nobody really knows what they mean, or why they exist. Having been on a sabbatical for all of the 2013-2014 school year, she has been greatly missed by students and coleagues. Fred, come back soon!


May 19, 2014

Which is the best new student organization? DU VEGAN AND VEGETARIAN SOCIETY Vegans: they are a little cheeky, a lot sweet and a dash of reality minus any meat. DU’s vegetarians, vegans and veg-enthusiasts have recently been united by a new student organization, DU Vegan and Vegetarian Society. With smiles, style and spunk they have been presenting a new perspective on life, sans animal products. However, they’re not vegetable obsessed, carnivore despising, militant animal lovers who want to shove tofu down your throat. They’re just students trying to promote compassion, sustainability and healthy living; plus get some decent food on this campus. DUVVS is adamantly striving to raise awareness, cultivate community and improve dining services. From you to the head of Sodexo they’re trying to kill us all with kindness and save an animal … or two billion. They are the keepers of cute stickers and master bakers of vegan things, they are the creators of chalk cows and Facebook posters of adorable pigs. All they ask is for a few less lentil purees and vegetables that don’t look like they’ve been sitting for days. We know you’re hesitant, they’re a mysterious folk, but you might be surprised that even they can joke. What do you call a vegetarian who starts eating meat?...Someone who lost their VEG-inity! See? But in all seriousness,

they speak with passion and ask the toughest of questions, “If vegetarians eat vegetables…what do humanitarians eat?” It’s dialogue they desire, so speak candidly and inquire. “Where do you get your protein…and those other things that you need?” A million times over they’ve heard, guaranteed, but they’ll indulge you once more for they never know when they might succeed. Succeed in the convincing of your heart; “Eat less animals” is all they wish to impart. Different strokes for different folks, but give them a chance. At the very least you might get some candy and a cash advance. Of one dollar. One dollar richer and four minutes more aware of the cruelty they combat with their colorful posters and compassion-gun holsters. Let’s take a step back, examine for real the true testament to the awesomeness seal. Weird Al may have thought it was “all about the Pentiums,” but at DU it’s all about the acronyms, baby. The ease to its cleverness and functionality in its creativeness. On this account alone DU Vegan and Vegetarian society, otherwise known as DUVVS, wins the category of Best New Student Organization. DUVVS like doves, the birds symbolic of peace, peace being a compassionate life, a compassionate life

involving less lives taken, less environmental and health degradation, these achieved through consuming less animal products, less consumption of animal products inevitably a step towards peace and peace is presented by DUVVS. Don’t accuse them of being infatuated with vegetables, they’re as big pasta lovers and Illegal Pete’s eaters as you are. Give them a second, to give you a flier and you just might never look at meat the same way. They’re doing their part, now how about you help out. Pick a meal, pick a day and try the vegetarian way.


May 19, 2014

In this corner, the new kid on the block, the masterminds behind KXDU’s latest comeback; in the other corner, DU’s resident saints of seitan. PIORADIO/KXDU The radio airwaves have been silent all throughout the DU world this year. However, in due time those airwaves will be thriving with best tunes from rock to rap and more. In the meantime, the new KXDU Radio team has been a busy bunch putting together a variety of promotional programming and combatting the bureaucratic music process that prevent you ever awesome Pios from

hearing the voices of your “KXDU has found a new avenue friends. of entertaining the DU community Every Friday, a through mass gatherings of songgroup of technosinging and camaraderie.” logical wizards gathers in does not sit around waiting for the radio room of Driscoll problems to somehow magically Underground to secretly plot fix themselves, but rather they do their next move to bring back it themselves. radio to DU. What helps to make this disIn addition, there is also tinct group of individuals stay that short bald member of the together and prevent those airteam who, for some puzzling waves from going under is that reason, has an extremely they acknowledge and respect inane habit each other’s views regarding of posting music, and other issues, they are #selfies on all driven by one common goal: their page Bringing radio back to DU. like a teenUnfortunately for them, they age girl. can not do it all on their own. Yet where Without being able to get to he lacks in bumping beats, craftily criticiztechnology ing of policy or humor, their he makes up options of what they can do are for in prokind of limited. motions and But thanks in part to DU outreach. CAPE, KXDU has found a new N o n e avenue of entertaining the DU theless, the community through mass gatherradio team ings of song - singing and camar e m a i n s raderie. ever vigilant Not being able to broadcast to resolve has put them on an island away issues dealfrom the DU mix as a whole, but ing with like we mentioned earlier, they licensing, are driven by that common goal equipment, of theirs. entertainSo go find them on Twitter ment, you using @KXDURadio and like name it. them on Facebook for more T h e entertainment opportunities to K X D U come! Radio team



May 19, 2014

Which restaurant is the best after a night out? ILLEGAL PETE’S There is nothing like the sweet taste of chips and queso, topped with some delectable shredded meat sprinkled over the top. Yet even better than a normal trip to Illegal Pete’s is entering the shrine to everything good in a post-Stadium haze. The crowd may be loud and obnoxious, but typically the prospect of sweet, sweet delicacies about to be consumed is enough to keep one in line— even the biggest of people-haters. Illegal Pete’s can be found at 1744 East Evans Avenue, mere steps from the DU campus and across the street from other bars such as the Stadium Inn and Snarf ’s. Its hours are Mon.-Wed. 7 a.m.-12 a.m., Thurs.Fri 7 a.m.-2:30 a.m., Sat. 9 a.m.-2:30 a.m. and Sun. 9 a.m.-12 a.m. The crowd is abound at Pete’s at any weekend night,

filled to the brim with drunken collegiates attempting to prevent tomorrow’s hangover with a load of carbs, or those who are just giving into the drunchies. It can be assured that the workers at Pete’s aren’t that happy about their late night customers; trying to understand a slurred order, complete with a nonexistent tip, is probably not the most rewarding of professions. If one is looking for a simultaneous bar/ restaurant, Pete’s is also your place to go. Those margaritas paired with that queso and those tortillas? Absolute perfection. In addition to the riled-up weekend nights, Wednesday evenings are another popular place to get one’s cheap alcohol on: Flip Night. Flip a coin, guess it heads or tails correctly, get your drink for a quarter. Comparable to Pete’s after midnight is Pete’s in the morning. If it is possible to remove yourself from your bed, dragging your exhausted self down Evans Ave. a couple blocks for a breakfast burrito (or even breakfast chips and queso). Breakfast is served every day of the week: Mon.-Fri. 7 a.m.-10:30 a.m. and

“Those margaritas paired with that queso and those tortillas? Absolute perfection.”

photo courtesy of

Sat.-Sun. 9 a.m.-1 p.m. With a plethora of options more than Chipotle, Pete’s definitely sweeps the variety bracket of fake Mexican food. In addition to the typical tacos, burritos and salads front, taquitos, fish tacos, quesadillas and nachos are available, with other toppings such as potatoes, green chile or pesto. If salsa and other delicacies don’t appeal to your taste buds, don’t worry! Cookies and sopapillas galore can also be nommed on at any hours of the day. If you have not yet had the pleasure of entering into those beautiful glass doors this year, you should probably plan a day (or night) in which to enter the best food coma of your life. With summer rolling around and the spring weather looking relatively nonsnowy, the outside deck will be open to the public, as well as the outside bar. There’s nothing better. Check out the menu at http:// and plan your next hungover brunch/ nighttime snack/ dinner with friends there.


May 19, 2014

In this corner, the old standby at Evans and High: Jerusalem’s. In the other, the gastronomic challenger to Jeru’s hegemony: Illegal Pete’s. JERUSALEM RESTAURANT Evans Avenue west of thing to fill you up--and to help soak up campus is home to numerous those last two Jameson and ginger ales. eateries, bars, other local merOrder a vegetarian combo platter chants and a dispensary. It’s a for just under $10 and you’ll be set for veritable bacchanalia of lecher- days. This heaping platter comes with ous collegiate debauchery; one a mound of fries, falafel, grape leaves, can go from the Stadium to rice, hummus, baba ganoush, tabouleh Snarfs to Illegal Pete’s to drink, salad and cucumber salad. Oh, and a and then teeter into Jerusalem’s basket of warm pitas on the side make a Restaurant, affectionately and perfect sandwich to go. universally known as Jeru’s. Use the restaurant’s hot sauce and Nevermind their alleged tzatziki as an added “yin and yang” culihealth violations last year. nary experience. Instead of going home Bollocks—the drinking that and having a nightcap of Jim Beam, happened before Jeru’s should have a Jeru’s combo plate and save the have killed that flu virus, right? rest for a breakfast the next morning-Jeru’s is fantastic while sober, you’ll need it. but stumbling in after a round The dining space at Jeru’s has a (or two [or three]) at the nearby rustic, quasi-Occidental vibe. Anthrobars makes the experience even pology majors will delight better. The restaurant is a true Take a seat at one of the available Denver staple, having been a eight seats inside the restaurant, or part of the DU community for choose to sit on the porch area, hangmany years. The staff is friendly and the service is quick enough to fill up and then get in bed for a few hours of shut eye between Flip Night and your Thursday 8 a.m. classes. The menu, while a little confusing to those not versed in Middle Eastern cuisine, is filled with various meats, sides, hummus and other delights. Whether you’re a meat eater on the level of a range-riding cowpoke or a budding, karma-concerned vegetarian, Jeru’s is sure to have some- This view of Jerusalem’s shows the awning-style roof and “outdoor” seating.

ing precariously next to High Street. By no means is this author an expert in Denver zoning codes, but Jeru’s seems to be cobbled together out of four or five old outbuildings, a tent and a handful of burlap sacks. But it’s exactly this ruggedness that gives Jeru’s its charm. The food and staff make the dining experience enjoyable. Just don’t use their bathrooms. They’re literally so small that a regular-sized human can’t actually sit on the toilet. After a night out around campus, stop in to Jerusalem’s Restaurant for food that not only nourishes the body, but also warms the soul ... because the fries are served at approximately 300 degrees Fahrenheit.

gusto kubiak

| clarion


Campus Culture

May 19, 2014

BEST CHANCELLOR WE WILL NEVER FORGET: During his 33 years at DU, Chancellor Robert Coombe has worn many hats. He first came to DU as a faculty member in the chemistry department. From there, he became chair of the Department of Chemistry and Biochemistry; dean of the Division of Natural Sciences, Mathematics, and Engineering; and DU provost. He has been chancellor since 2005. Aside from the innate impressiveness of the fact that at DU, a chemistry faculty member can advance to being Chancellor of the entire university, Coombe’s wide variety of positions show his various talents and passions. It seems his first love, however, will always be chemistry, a discipline that provided lessons Coombe used throughout his time in the position of chancellor; he not only understood the elements and compounds of the university,

he applied what he knew to create chemistry between faculty members, students, and alumni to make DU the great place we know it to be. He didn’t think he was a prime element on the chancellor’s periodic table of life, and he understood how all of the elements, including himself, could use attraction and bonds to work well together. One way he showed these beliefs was through his willingness to make himself available to hear concerns and ideas from the DU community. In addition, he was eager to experiment with hypotheses, if they seemed rational, such as when he agreed to create a fund to ensure students in the department of Geography could travel and learn in the field for 11 weeks every fall quarter. Like every good chemist, he knew that not all experiments would ‘pan out,’ but he tried to make sure the bunson burner never got too hot, and he titrated carefully to make sure he didn’t blow DU from its foundation. Even

when an experiment didn’t work out well, he was not soured on trying another, if it seemed feasible. Anyone who has been present for one of his speeches has seen that Coombe truly cares about this institution, and it doesn’t take an accomplished scientist like Coombe to know that anyone who has been with the university for more than a fifth of its 150 years cares about its success. While leading anything as large as a university will certainly present its challenges and opportunities for disappointments,

Coombe Daddy Coombe always acted in a way that made it clear that he wanted to leave DU a better place than when he took its helm. He even puts up with 20-somethings, who have been alive for less time than he’s worked at DU, using him as a scapegoat, making snarky comments about all the copper on campus, and—of course—calling him Coombe Daddy. So here’s to Coombe, the man who has dedicated so much of his life to making DU the best place he can make it.

ryan lumpkin

| clarion


Hire more women At the White House Correspondents’ Dinner at the beginning of May, Joel McHale suggested that the country should seriously consider electing Hillary Clinton president. “As our first female president, we could pay her 30 percent less,” he said. “That’s a savings our country could use!”

While it may seem that McHale was presenting an idea on the cutting edge for institutional savings, our very own Sturm College of Law has been saving money in that manner for decades. Of course, with an estimated cost of attendance per student of nearly $61,000 per year, the Sturm College of Law’s price tag does not

make it clear exactly why these savings are necessary. Luckily, however, there are simple ways for the law school to save money: hire more women. Why would this be effective? According to the Denver Post, after a set of salary raises in the school last year, female full-time professors in the law school

made, on average, $15,859 less per year than males did. That’s a lot of savings, folks. DU is clearly above average, even in its cost-cutting. As a more specific example, Lucy Marsh, who started teaching at DU in 1973 and has

Campus Culture

May 19, 2014

The new campus Subway When it was announced that the good old Pub in Driscoll Underground was going defunct, many students on campus may have been somewhat complacent about the change. The Pub food sometimes made you question whether you were eating leftovers from the dining halls. At an average of $10 per meal, it was significantly overpriced. The service was so slow that you could finish literally every piece of homework you had before your often lukewarm food finally arrived. Rumors of the



delectable Panda Express replacing the problematic establishment were rampant across campus, and it seemed a franchise might be an improvement over the Sodexo-run Pub. Then it was announced that the replacement would not be a re-opening, a Panda Express, or any other entity new to the campus community. Instead, the space would be turned into a Subway. Yes, a Subway. Did it matter that there is a Subway two blocks away on University? Apparently not. Did DU care that there are multiple sandwich

places within mere steps of campus, or that students could build a sandwich themselves in the dining halls? Of course not. Luckily, Sodexo predicted students would have until January and the start of the winter quarter to get used to the idea. Unfortunately, that prediction was a little off; the first day of winter quarter came and went, and there was still no Subway. Soon, the entire winter quarter had come and gone, with nothing to show for it but an empty restaurant space displayed mournfully for every student who

walked through Driscoll north to see. It was not until the middle of the spring quarter, after many a reminiscent thought back to the days of the Pub, that the new Subway finally opened and students got to find out the answer. With a footlong in one hand and a 600page art history tome in the other, savor the now-permanent scents of freshly-baked bread in Driscoll Underground, the gourmet delights of the new Subway and relish, Pioneers, in the best sandwich you’ve never had on this campus.

BEST WAY FOR THE STURM COLLEGE OF LAW TO SAVE MONEY, continued been a full-time professor since 1982, makes $109,000 per year. That makes her salary not only a full $49,000 less per year than the median full-time professor salary at the school, but also the lowest of any other professor in the Sturm College of Law school’s faculty. Anyone concerned that the Sturm College of Law Dean Martin Katz, who specializes in employment and antidiscrimination law, might be interested in depleting some of the school’s savings need not worry. He is excellent at finding places to save, and when the law school finds itself with extra money for faculty raises, as it did in 2013, he stated that he gave it to professors without regard for any inequalities that

may have been present. To provide further support to his intent to save money, while Katz informed Marsh that her salary was the lowest at the law school, he also added that her competitive target salary was $181,000—a full $72,000 that Marsh is not receiving that helps the school save money every year. Unfortunately, Marsh did not see the situation the same way, and after unsuccessfully trying to negotiate with the school, filed a gender discrimination charge with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). In a response to the charge sent out to the University last year, Katz wrote, “we have a clear and transparent performance evaluation process by which every member is evaluated and through which all merit

raises are determined.” According to the response, professors are evaluated for raises based on three factors: their quality of teaching, their research and scholarship, and their service to the Sturm College of Law and the Legal Profession. It is amazing, then, that Katz has been able to save the school so much money by keeping Marsh’s salary the lowest in the school when she has received honors from the Colorado Lawyer and the Denver Bar Association for her work, she started the very successful Tribal Wills Project now conducted by the law school annually, and she even won the “Excellence in Teaching” award from the Sturm College of Law at its annual Law Stars Fundraiser in 2010. In fact, Marsh’s $109,000 pay makes her wages just

73 percent of the median Sturm College of Law professor salary. According to the EEOC, women earn 77 percent of what men make. This means that under Katz’s leadership, the Sturm College of Law is going above and beyond—even compared to national averages—to ensure the highest savings possible through the salaries it pays to female professors. It is estimated that women won’t earn equal wages with men until 2057, and the law school is doing everything it can to ensure it saves as much money as possible until this prediction becomes a reality. With that kind of leadership, it seems that the DU Sturm College of Law is—once again—on the cutting edge.

Resident Life

gusto kubiak

| clarion

Resident Life

May 19, 2014



Buy a (clearly authentic) suit out of the back of a Range Rover. If you are paying $50,000 a year for your education at DU, chances are you’re interested in finding any way you can to save a dollar or two. This includes your purchase of the all-important professional attire, which—of course—must be completed by a great suit. We’ve all heard that a high quality suit is something that can help you get internships and jobs, and help give you confidence during a big presentation. It’s an essential investment to make. Of course, to make that investment as a knowledgeable and rea-

sonable consumer, you have many buying options. You could decide to make your suit purchase at Ross and spend your entire day sorting through clothes. You could opt for Kohls and drive 20 miles to find what you’re looking for. You could shop at the Goodwill and deal with a former owner’s armpit stains. You could choose the Cherry Creek mall for your shopping needs and sacrifice the arm and leg you’ll need to actually wear the suit you want to buy. Or, naturally, you could buy your suit out of the side of a Range Rover parked near campus.

While the last option may not seem like the most traditional method of suit shopping, it’s hard to beat its convenience. Who has time to go to a storefront suit buying location anyway? In fact, if the book buy-back van is also out, you can accomplish all your errands without ever taking a step off campus. Plus, you don’t even have to sacrifice brand names with the Range Rover option; it carries Armani brand suits at an unbelievable price. What else could a college-educated shopper ask for? If that weren’t

enough, the owner is a very nice Italian man named “Gallo Al Dorsi.” Not only will you get an Armani suit, you’ll get to meet someone whose Italian accent clearly proves he’s from Italy. When it comes to suit buying, the best option is clear: buy an Armani suit out of a Range Rover. If you do it right, your purchase might even be monumental enough to be advertised by the Department of Campus Safety here on campus. Let’s only hope every buying decision makes as much sense and is as great as this one.


Build a second elevator in Sturm Hall After you roll out of bed and trudge to class, your coffee gripped like lifeblood in your hand, the last thing you want to do is climb the neverending and harrowing steps to the tippy top of Sturm. After all, you do NOT want to show up to class huffing and puffing like you just ran a marathon, especially when you haven’t even met half the cute people in your class yet. To avoid the redfaced marathon-upthe-stairs look, the clear alternative is to take the elevator. Un f o r t u n a t e l y, everyone else on campus also had the same idea, and you find

yourself plastered firmly against that kid who hasn’t showered in a week and only emerges from a dark video-gaming lair of a room on very special occasions. Luckily, before that kid decides today’s special occasion is hitting on you, the elevator doors open and you escape, graced with a breath of the relatively fresh air of Sturm’s fourth floor. “Clearly,” you think to yourself, “there needs to be another elevator in this building.” You’d think that during the university’s sesquicentennial year, we would have progressed far enough in civilization to be able to afford two elevators in one building. Now, it is so, after who-

knows-how-long. As a lowly DU student on campus, you have absolutely no real power to make this happen. Luckily, however, once-a-week shower kid must also frequent that elevator when DU facilities management rides in it, because someone with actual copper-plating power has the same idea you do. Is the elevator construction worth the yearlong odd noises? The nasty paint smells? The inconvenient closed back alley? The awkward tarps over which you have to walk on your way to class? The extra copper they had to bring in to make it match the campus’s soon-

to-be oxidized façade? The best part about the huge price tag, though, is that professors at DU are actually paid more than this. Most importantly, is it worth the $700,000 price tag—the economic equivalent of 14 students attending DU at full price for a year? “Absolutely,” you think you yourself. “It doesn’t even matter that it doesn’t go to the first floor.” Unfortunately, what you (and facilities management) don’t know is that once-a-week-shower kid has a sibling, and they like to take separate elevators.


Resident Life

May 19, 2014

BEST CAMPUS CRIME REPORTS FROM 2013-2014: Monday, Feb. 17, 2014 at 2:14 p.m. – DCS responded to a report of a fire burning just outside of the Chambers Center for the Advancement of Women. Upon arrival at the scene, officers observed several contract employees extinguishing a burning shrub. The contracted employees stated that the fire was caused by a welding spark that had contacted the shrub in question. The Denver Fire Department (DFD) responded to the scene, ensured that the fire was properly distinguished and departed. Saturday, Feb. 21, 2014 at 12:20 a.m. – DCS responded to a call regarding an intoxicated, unconscious student near the intersection of South Josephine Street and East Evans Avenue. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted paramedics because they were unable to wake the student. Upon being awoken, the student became combative and DPD was called to the scene. The student was transported to Porter Hospital by paramedics. Tuesday, Feb. 25, 2014 at 9:59 a.m. – DCS responded to a call regarding damage to a university owned vehicle. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a staff member who stated that while attempting to exit the vehicle, a gust of wind forced the door open in such a manner

that it broke the hinges and caused damage to the side of the vehicle. Friday, Feb. 28, 2014 at 1:21 p.m. – DCS responded to a call from a faculty member regarding threats made towards a second faculty member. Upon arrival at the scene, officers spoke with the reporting staff member who stated that a student had made the threats. Wednesday, March 5, 2014 at 2:49 a.m. – DCS responded to the Zeta Beta Tau house for a fire alarm. Upon arrival they met with the Denver Fire Department (DFD) and it was determined that the cause of the alarm was a discharged fire extinguisher in the basement. Friday, March 7, 2014 at 1:51 a.m. – While conducting a routine patrol of Centennial Halls, officers observed a student spitting on the floor of a common area. Officers contacted the student and determined that they were too intoxicated to remain safely on campus. Denver Cares was unable to respond to the scene so the student was transported by the Denver Police Department (DPD) to Denver Cares. Saturday, March 8, 2014 at 12:35 a.m. – DCS responded to a call regarding an unwanted party in Centennial Halls. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted an unaffiliated party who had gained entry to the building by

03/13/14 and 03/17/14.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014 at 9:00 a.m. – following students in. The DCS took a report from party was in possession of a staff member regarding stolen clothing that they an animal bite that had had taken from a laundry occurred on campus on room in the building. 3/25/14. Officers called DPD who responded to the scene and Thursday, April 3, called for paramedics. The 2014 at 12:43 a.m. – DCS unwanted party was transresponded to a call regardported to Denver Health by ing the theft of food from paramedics. a Sodexo retail outlet Thursday, March 13, located in the Anderson Commons. 2014 at 6:03 p.m. – DCS and Academic Upon arrival at the scene, the Denver Fire Departofficers spoke with a staff ment (DFD) responded member who stated that to a call regarding a small they had witnessed the vehicle fire in parking lot student reaching through 311. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a a locked gate to take the student who stated that the food in question. Officers fire occurred while they contacted the student were attempting to jump who was apologetic and start the battery in their paid for the food. personally owned vehicle. Saturday, April 5, The fire had been extin2014 at 11:11 a.m. – guished by the student. DCS responded to a call Sunday, March 16, 2014 regarding an unaffiliated at 11:16 p.m. – While con- party who had intentionducting a routine review of ally damaged a water surveillance footage, a DCS fountain in Sturm Hall. officer observed a suspi- Officers responded to the cious person at a bike rack scene and spoke with a near Centennial Towers second unaffiliated party attempting to break a bike who stated that the first lock. Officers responded unaffiliated party had to the scene and contacted become angry and damthe suspicious party, an aged the fountain before unaffiliated male. Officers departing the scene. contacted DPD, who transSaturday, April 5, ported the party in ques2014 at 1:34 a.m. – DCS tion to Denver County Jail. and the Denver Fire (DFD) Monday, March 17, Department responded to a fire alarm 2014 at 11:17 p.m. – DCS at the Sigma Alpha Epsiresponded to a call regardlon (SAE) house. Upon ing a theft in Nagel Hall. Upon arrival at the scene, arrival at the scene, officers spoke with a stu- officers spoke with DFD dent who stated that their personnel who stated that laundry detergent had the cause of the alarm been taken from their was a large amount of room sometime between marijuana smoke in the

Resident Life

May 19, 2014

BEST CAMPUS CRIME REPORTS FROM 2013-2014, CONTINUED: building. Tuesday, April 8, 2014 at 6:35 a.m. – A Parking Enforcement Officer (PEO) filed a report regarding a student who has accumulated over 35 parking violations since November 2013. Tuesday, April 8, 2014 at 4:01 p.m. – DCS responded to a call regarding door locks that had been intentionally burned at the Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity house. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a staff member who stated that there were also burn marks inside the elevator. The approximate cost to repair the damage to

that the vehicles owner was an underage student. Saturday, April 19, 2014 at 1:15 a.m. – While on routine patrol, a DCS officer noted the odor of marijuana emanating from a residential room in Centennial Halls. The officer was admitted to the room in question where they contacted one student who stated that they had a medical marijuana license and were unaware that they were not permitted to possess or use the drug on campus. The student relinquished possession of marijuana and paraphernalia. Monday, May 5, 2014 at 12:06 p.m. – DCS responded to a call regarding the theft of a live turtle from the Nagel Art Studios. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a student who stated that they had left the turtle in an aquarium located in a non-secured room in the building on 5/1/14. When they returned to the space four days later, the turtle was missing.

photo courtesy of

A live turtle was reported missing on May 5.

the locks and elevator is $2,000. Thursday, April 17, 2014 at 7:04 a.m. – DCS responded to a request for assistance from Parking Services who was applying a parking boot to a vehicle in parking lot L. Upon arrival at the scene, officers observed alcohol inside of the vehicle in question and determined

Tuesday, May 6, 2014 at 12:13 p.m. – DCS responded to a call regarding the theft of a lighting fixture from Driscoll North. Upon arrival at the scene, officers contacted a staff member who stated that the fixture was last seen on 5/2/14 at approximately 11:00 p.m. A cursory review of surveillance video footage showed several suspects entering the building and taking the fixture on 5/3/14 at approximately 1:40 a.m.

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Resident Life

May 19, 2014

and could have seen someone, The LAA program started two years BEST DORM IN NEED OFthat A area they contact DPD or Campus Safety,” ago, according to Kemp, and serves AHSS said Banet. BEST WAY TO GET ONE’S EXERCISE: students in providing opportunities outside FACELIFT: The crime is currently under the classroom and special advising and career services preparation. This includes event series like the Courses to Careers The crime alert listed several series. LAA sent a similar survey last year, actions students can take to help pre- which received about 250 responses. Halls. If you’rehappening looking tofor a “Last Unless, year in spring quarter, did that is, you we run. vent a similar incident Sweet, innocent Halls. basically the same assessment survey, and good way to lose an inch Or, depending on where them, including: walking in numbers, We’ll never forget your quaint we’reyou’re using that as a benchmark to assess from paths, yourtaking Lulua Rape Lemon coming from, unless charms: the STI-riddled beanstaying bag on well-lit this year’s survey, ” said Kemp. “The survey after the long Aggression waistline Defense (R.A.D.) course you sprint. chairs in your lobby, your elevators is almost identical so we can compare offered by Campus winter Safety seriesand of calling high-calThe good news is, you that literally never work, yourCampus foul Safety apples to apples and benchmark year one to for an escort at 303orie holidays, look no furwill communal bathrooms, your tiny, milyear two.” never need anyone to investigation by DPD, and on campus the Title IX Department will be leading

Centennial Halls

Take a course in the MFJS building

itary-style dormitory living and your ther than a frequent brisk motivate you to exercise professor’s endless, sleepless nights with 45 people walk to the MFJS build- again—your ing. Located conveniently strict “being on time” seccrammed into a ten foot by ten foot c tat itheovery, n very South of tion of the syllabus will keep room. campus near DeBoer park, you by moving all quarter long. gigi peccolo One of our favorite thing about S it takes just 20 minutes or Or, for a real Writer doosey, just Contributing Halls has to be the John F. Kennedyback from MFJS to the era heating and cooling system. In the more to walk to this stun- walk After over a year of deliberations ning Vietnam-era relic Ritchie center. Don’t Psycholactusummer, Halls swelters to record heat and interviews, DU has selected Tweets from the USG debate from Wednesday, April 23 ally enter the Ritchie center, waves, made all the worse by the stench from essentially every ogy Chair and Professor Daniel McIntosh just as the newwalk dean there. of Arts, Humanities and of freshmen in their unwashed glory of other location on campus. It’s located next to the Even according if you to choose to Social Sciences, a campusnewfound freedom. tofrom a bike to comwideupgrade email written Chancellor Robert The sweltering heat in Halls is worst mechanical engineering Did Coombe and to Provost Kvistad. part mute thisGregg isolated “We’re flexible we want toschool. work for youyou even know right inCasey: September, duringand move-in. we had a mechanical engi“Danny’s achievements Univerof campus, you’ll at bethegetting Have fun traversing those stairs while sity, and the extraordinary level of trust he neering school? a solid, brisk bike ride in at carrying your box full of bric-a-brac in has among his faculty and staff colleagues, What does all of this least twice a week, simply by 95 degree heat with no air conditionhim an aexcellent choicefar to south. lead this it taking class that our traditions that wemean alreadyfor haveyou? Well, make ing! theBrown: good “We newslove is that those who large, complex, and institutionally vital Make sure to enjoy the want to get a workout will get one by means there is physically academic unit at the University of Denver, ” fresh air while you’re at it, just trying to sleep. The sweat just melts pretty much no way to get said the email. because aasDUsoon as start you’re Kellsie Brannen @kellsieadele22to class in the MFJS build- McIntosh, the fat off. alum, will the ing on time, if inside the1 of windowless buildlistenin tothe students, but sometimes some especially position on July this year. The “We’re heat ishere alsotogreat winter. you have a class before “I’m get drowned out”- Brown #USGdebate14 ing,thrilled, it won’t the I’m matter excited,” that said McInHallsvoices residents appreciate the ice anyis tosh. “It’s a tremendous set of sun departments and snow nagging at the windows while it and people and students and staff. s h ”i n i n g the ancient HVAC units churn and hiss w h e r e elseunpopular on According to McIntosh,orthethere’s search Klostermeier: frequently while trying to bring “Quite the room up to the process started in the fall of 2013 when the c a mp u s . decision is the best one. ” #USGdebate14 a great above 60 degrees. application was initially sent out, followed S t u r m ? p a r k Another thing we love about Halls by interviews in early January.r i g h t Kellsie @kellsieadele22 is the fact thatBrannen as a half-century old G o o d “The reason I applied for the job is l u c climate k . “Senators come up and with what the student outside. building, its bathroom shower that I love working with people in the divil inot n ?what we willinadequate put it in place, even O of it’s facilitieswants, are and woefully for sions across the different departments,” Yo u ’ l l the 21st century. said McIntosh. “I’m really excited and look forward to doing more of that.” We hope all residents enjoy having still be After a national search, four final 35 people to a floor where there are late. SafetyIt’s on campus is both physical and mental; candidates were chosen and interviewed in only 4 orBrown: 5 showers. a guarantee that people should be free to express what they believe in. March and April; according to McIntosh, photo courtesy of not all are functioning at the same time, the rest of the candidates were from other either, so that reduces our numbers overall. The fact that Halls residents adopt suite-style living. the furniture that it started off the But at least every year with, and the couches are in have to live in communal bathrooms may have been acceptable when DU floor has a lounge, right? need of a thorough spot cleaning and America were recovering from Nope, every other floor from some mystery stains. At least the views are nice, right? World War II, but today they seem has one. And those floors that do have lounges are Yes, if you’re on the 10th Floor wretchedly outdated and outmoded. Halls, like Towers, Nelson and wont to be raided by facing West or South, the views are Nagel should get with the times and other floors; no floor has pretty stellar.

AHSS selects ne

Around Town

creatiVe commons image


Around Town

May 19, 2014


What Should We DU? If you haven’t heard of the “What Should We DU?” tumblr, your life is about to be changed. What’s better than a blog complete with hilarious gifs that directly apply back to your own university?

Nothing really. Started back in 2012, the tumblr has been run by an anonymous member of the DU community. Everyone has been laughing and sharing links with each other ever since. Do you get lost in Sturm way too much and wonder

if everyone else has that same problem? News flash: We all do. Or does your love for Flip Night at Illegal Pete’s cross from casual liking to obsession? All DU students share a variety of experiences, and WhatShouldWeDU

allows us to remember we are not alone--as Pioneers, we stand together in more than just a name.

all images courtest of

Editor’s note: the images on are depicted as .GIF files; as a print publication, the reprinted images do not move.

Around Town

May 19, 2014



Vista Have a spare $800 dollars a month? You should definitely check out Vista Apartments (owned by the same company as Asbury Apartments) for a greatly expensive apartment lease. Located at 1920 S. University Blvd., Vista offers a variety of unnecessary amenities and a price similar to the jacked up price of DU dorms. Their posters up around campus pitch about being the best value around

campus, if you want access to a “fitness center” (two broken treadmills and some hand weights aren’t exactly great for working out much). Your money will also be going to “24 hour maintenance.” The puke sitting outside the front door begs to differ, as well as the perpetually broken side door up to the terrace. Ah, yes, but there is a terrace! Considerably one of the better aspects of Vista, the terrace has a pool table, variety of tanning chairs and

Any bar in LoDo There comes a time in every upp erclassmen’s life when going to Merchant’s Mile High Saloon (let’s be honest, we all call it The Border) just doesn’t sound that fun anymore. Evenings at 2014 S. University Blvd. usually end with some freshman high on life about their new fake ID as they spill their Long Island all over you, which gets old fast. Even the good ol’ Stadium begins to lose its shine

couches, a golf putting area, barbecues and a fire pit, as well as an outside TV. The tanning chairs would be a wonderful place to relax if there weren’t about a hundred rooms facing the terrace, which makes the possibility of putting on a bathing suit and going out there inherently uncomfortable and creepy. As well as outside amenities available to all residents, the rooms offer the best appliances available. Due to the fact that your kitchen can only fit approximately two

people inside of it, the refrigerator, dish washer, oven and stove are all half size. Because everyone wants to share a small refrigerator with their roommates, right? Right? Since money was obviously going to the “37” LCD Flat Panel TV” in each apartment, it appears Vista couldn’t afford to put lights in any of the bedrooms, requiring its residents to install their own floor lamps or Christmas lights to

actually be able to see anything past 7 p.m. Each floor also offers two washing machines and two dryers, which would be totally great if they weren’t always broken or rejecting your credit card. It’s also the individual resident’s responsibility to call up the appliance company to report if something is broken, if you have a spare hour to sit on hold and listen to elevator music.


after some underage kiddos manage to weasel their way inside. Worry not, Pios—downtown Denver has come to the rescue. This coming weekend, instead of heading to the poorly cleaned campus bars who don’t have the supplies to make a mojito, strut your way overtake the light rail down to Union Station. Walk a few blocks southeast and you’ve hit Lodo, where the offerings are abound. Market Street is wellknown for its alco-

holic offerings, ranging from the country western Cowboy Lounge to the classier Tavern Downtown. Despite the removal from the DU campus, it is still possible to categorize the bars like the ones on campus. The Gin Mill—actually the Border for twentysomethings. Tired of all the other classy bars but still want one more drink and a place to dance? The Gin Mill has got your back (and the Long Islands are cheap too). Great

deals can be found at bars like the Cowboy Lounge: Free drinks for the ladies on Thursday evenings. Win-win. Chloe is another excellent choice for any evening; from the elevated boxes to dance on reminiscent of your Vegas trip to the mini-chocolates by the bathroom sinks, your night can’t go wrong. If your nights out tend to leave you feeling hungry, worry not. Scruffy Murphy’s and Brothers Bar and Grill both offer food to complement your

evening’s drinks. Also, there’s an Illegal Pete’s a block away from the lightrail that stays open past the bars closing time, which allows for a nacho pick-me-up that can be enjoyed on the ride home. Of course, there are so many bars in the Lodo area that they can’t all be quantified in the word count. All that matters is that if you need a break from the perpetually drunken students who wave about their fake IDs, your best bet is to move a bit off campus.


Around Town


The Pioneer, 2401 S University Blvd Whether its for lunch, dinner or drinks, The Pio has some great offerings, especially in their happy hour which occurs seven days a week, twice a day. The double happy hours occur from 4 p.m. - 7 p.m. and again from 10 p.m. - 12 a.m. Any budding senior will find the hours of happiness advantageous, as it allows for post-class drinks as well as post-dinner. While there are food specials on Mondays and Tuesdays (carne asada and pollo asado burritos respectively), the true deals are present in the drinks: $2 domestic drafts to $3 m arg ar it a s and wells to $4 wines. Their m arg ar it a s are just s t r o n g enough to taste the sweet, evil, glorious tinge of tequila, and leave you feeling pretty gusto kubiak | clarion relaxed. This massive Boone statue sits atop the rooftop bar at The Pio, a bar on the

Can one ever say no to $3 margaritas while basking in the glorious Denver sunshine? No, probably not. The installation of the porch at the Pio could probably be considered the single best choice the restaurant owners could have made. T h o u g h they obviously didn’t get their money’s worth over the long winter months, the coming of spring has seen the return of collegiates looking to enjoy some post-

south side of campus.

class beverages and grub with their friends while the sun is still out. This spring quarter, mosey your way down to 2401 S. University Blvd to check out The Pioneer. It’s close to the south side of campus, like Lamont and the Newman Center, the perfect afterparty location for theater folks or those interested in DU’s music scene. It’s pretty easily identifiable by its gigantic statue of ex-DU mascot Boone placed up on the porch.

May 19, 2014


Jordan’s The end of fall quarter brought an end to all things wonderful 2363 E. Evans Ave. with the fall of Jordan’s Bistro and Pub. The all-in-one restaurant moved away to some unreachable destination in Denver, while the Pioneers of DU were left with a 7-Eleven. What some believe to be the singular best thing to happen to the DU campus disappeared without a trace, leaving behind a group of students wondering where to get their half-price wine, trivia and karaoke. Thursdays would obviously be the best evening for Jordan’s, packed to the brim with wine-appreciating co-eds. What better way to blow off some steam after a long week than to get a half price glass (let’s be honest, half price bottle) of wine? Well, obviously, if you weren’t at all inclined towards drinking, you could still have a great time at Jordan’s for Saturday’s karaoke or Wednesday’s

“geek” trivia. Tuesdays additionally offered $10 for a pizza and a beer, which is a good deal for a broke college kid any way you kick it. Jordan’s, you were the best of us, the best of the DU campus bars. A titan among men; a giant among dwarves. No longer can students seek your Irish pub interior for a pint and free wifi for that essay that you can’t seem to finish without having a bit of “liquid inspiration” in your system. Instead, we are left with the sticky floor of the Border, the over-priced C&G drinks, the darkness and bad decisions of the Stadium and the comparatively long walks to the Pio or Boone’s. Jordan’s, you will always be in our hearts. We remember your friendly bartenders and comfy booth seats replaced by convenience store lighting and aisles of unhealthy food. #NeverForget

Around Town

May 19, 2014



Pete’s University Park Café, 2345 East Evans Avenue, Denver, CO, 80210 What are the three things necessary for an all-day study session? Food, coffee and free wifi. All three are available at 2345 E. Evans Ave, the residence for Pete’s University Park Cafe. Whether the cafe has customers for a midmorning brunch or their regulars for a nightcap, the restaurant is usually empty enough to get a seat next to an outlet to plug in your computer charger. The background music is typically the

top 40 played pretty softly, so if “Timber” or “Let It Go” annoy you, make sure to bring your own headphones. The staff at Pete’s Cafe are all really friendly, especially if you camp out there for the entirety of Sunday and order several meals while tipping generously. While peak times at the cafe are usually Sunday mornings for family brunches, the afternoons clear up pretty quickly so you can nab that booth with one of the two electric outlets in the restaurant. Your coffee can typically end up lasting you the majority of the day, with refills

This article is re-printed in part from the Janaury 29, 2014 Clarion. The full article is available at winter-carnival-snowqueens-bud/ by alex johnson Editor Emeritus

The first Winter Carnival was held in 1961, thus the 2014 event celebrates its 53rd year as a part of campus culture.

Winter Carnival Legacy

upon refills, but alcohol can also be purchased there to take the edge off that ten page paper. All sorts of food can be bought at Pete’s, everything

from burgers to traditional gyro meals to all day breakfast to decadent desserts like chocolate cake. There’s really nothing like that delicious, heaping

photo courtesy of

Winter Carnival: From Snow Queens to Bud Winter Carnival has evolved throughout halfcentury-and-change of its existence; its location has changed several times since the inaugural event. It has been held at Winter Park, Keystone and Steamboat Springs, as well as Crested Butte. In the 1980s, the event

tower of pancakes and syrup at seven at night, nor is there anything like your teeth sinking into the hangoverkilling egg scramble with bacon.

was sponsored several times by the Budweiser Beer Company, which meant that students and parties were often provided free kegs of 3.2 percent ABV beer, which was legal for people above the age of 18 to drink in Colorado at that time. “Budweiser was our sponsor, and they served all

the beer all the time. We had crazy amounts of beer and refreshments,” said David Thompson, who graduated from DU in 1986. Thompson was part of the Winter Carnival organizing committee in the 1980s and was president of the committee for two years. He attended every Winter Carnival from 1983-1986. His vision of the event was to bring as many people to the mountains as possible. “I was … immersed in trying to get 1000 people to the slopes,” Thompson said, adding that at that time, the event was almost entirely run by the students. ...

Thank you to everyone, including the Clarion staff and team, our fearless adviser, our printer, our distribution assistant and all those who made the Best of DU possible!

Best of DU Magazine, Volume 4  

The Best of DU Magazine is an annual DU campus satire published by the DU Clarion newspaper.

Best of DU Magazine, Volume 4  

The Best of DU Magazine is an annual DU campus satire published by the DU Clarion newspaper.