July 17 chuckler

The Chuckler -0+bnnnnnnnnn

July 2017

201 Gill Street, Orillia, Ontario, L3V 6K7 0020/// 705.326.6447

Sharing Smiles In Your Community “II was a test tube baby. My star sign is Pyrex.”

Visit us at www.thechuckler.ca or on Facebook

Serving Orillia and Simcoe County for Over 46 Years

Your Vacation Isn’t Going Well When…. ~ That 7-foot foot mouse you saw wasn’t at a theme park.

Union Taxi

~ Every time you go swimming you end up with zebra mussels in your shorts. ~ You’re staying at a resort billed as ‘The Cancun of Lake Erie’. ~ Instead of giving you time off, your boss institutes ‘Take Your Speedo to Work’ day. ~ The amusement park ticket booth gives you a senior citizen citize discount and you’re only 37. ~ You put your bikini on backwards and it fits better. ~ You’re spending 168 consecutive hours with your in-laws. in ~ You look forward to going home and cutting your grass in the heat!

RIDE and WIN With Union Taxi

I saw a bald eagle the other day. Its ts feathers were combed over to one side.

Thor Motors 201 Gill Street, Orillia

Camping Tips ~ A tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. ~ Given a chance, matches will find a way to get wet.

► View our New and Quality Pre Pre-Owned Owned Vehicles 24/7 at, www.thormotors.com! www.thormotors.com ► Genuine Ford and Motorcraft Parts and Accessories!

~The sun sets three-and-a-half three times faster than normal when you’re trying to set up camp. ~ Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint before applying the match. ~ Even before you unwrap a new tent, your side of the tent will be the side that leaks.

► Factory trained technician specialists!

~ The number of mosquitoes is inversely inversely proportional to the amount of repellent that remains.

► Customer Service Shuttle, our friendly staff is here to assist you! you

~ Any stone in a hiking boot migrates to the point of maximum pressure.

► Great Selection of New and Previously Owned Vehicles!

Hours Monday

8:30am – 8:00pm

Tuesday

8:30am - 8:00pm

Wednesday 8:30 am – 8:00pm

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~ All tree branches on a nature trail will hang at exactly the height of your nose.

Thursday

8:30am - 8:00pm

Friday

8:30am – 5:00pm

Saturday

8:30am – 5:00pm

Sunday

Closed

Caribbean Vacations Sports Tickets And More!

Monthly and Weekly Prizes Union Taxi Midland 705--526-5666 Union Taxi Penetanguishene 705--549-7666

Please Don’t Drink and Drive

Coldwater water Home Hardware 705-686-3375 3375

Ice Cream and Candy Emporium Salt Water Taffy

1 River Street, Coldwater

Georgian Bays Best Fudge

Summer Projects Begin at Home

Gifts and Collectables

Home Owners Helping Home Owners

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He

430 Pine Street, Waubaushene

705 705-510-0900

noticed the boy pulling a little red wagon and hanging from the wagon were small ladders on the sides, a coiled coiled garden hose inside the wagon and the boy was wearing a fireman's hat. The boy had

Imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met? "Well, it all started one day when your dad 'liked' one of my

you’ve hadso a, “good night before” you wagon. put food The in the microwave the next and enter your pin number. his dogYou tiedknow to the handle that the dog couldwhen pull the fireman thought thismorning was really

selfies and soon posted nice comments on my newsfeed”. It wasn’t long after that he sent me a friend request,

cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he

which I accepted. He would “like” every time I posted a pic of my cat, trimmed my nails and shared a new recipe.

More Patient Chart Updates from the Hospital

noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his privates. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to Whenfire asked if she or had a discharge, patient “No, Blue Cross. try to tell you how to run~ your company anything, but I the think if yousaid would tiebut thatI have rope around

We just knew it was love and waited till we got 1000 likes before we got ma married.” rried.”

~ Orderso," “Please feedlittle patient the dog's neck you would would go faster." "Maybe said the boy,only "Butwhen then awake.”

I'd lose my siren!" ~ Order “Please check for pulse daily.” ~ The patient is a 79-year-old old widow who no longer lives with her husband. ~ We will watch her diarrhea closely. ~ "Life is like a Geri Unit at sundown... You never know whatchur gonna git" - Dr Gump ~ Pulses are fixed and dilated” ~ In asking about code status – “do you want wan your wife to receive artificial insemination” Barry Gibb has revealed that he regularly sees the ghosts of his brothers. After seeing that confession he’s given me the HeebieBeeGees.

Hee bieBeeGees.

Gardening Thoughts

I went to the doctor and he told me “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I asked “No pizza? No burgers?” He replied “No fatty, just do don’t eat anything.”

~ If I could only grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.

In The News…

~ Compostaphile and Compostaphobe -- To rot or not to rot . . .

A British man who built the world's largest Rubik's cube has built the world's largest fidget spinner. He then went home

~ Gardening requires a lot of water - most of it in the form of perspiration.

to the world's emptiest bed…. …. Stan Lee's wife Joan died last week week,, at 93. But I'm sure she'll just come back to life in the next

~ I will cut the grass only when I get Mow-tivated.

Mow

issue….Joey ….Joey Chestnut recently won “Nathans Annual 4 of July Hot Dog Eating Contest” by devouring 72 hot dogs in ten

~ New gardeners learn by trowel and error.

minutes. The announcer called it as,, ”T ”The 4 horsemen of the esophagus!"….. First lady Melania Trump Tr has officially

~ Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.

moved into the White House. In a related story, Donald Trump just moved from the Lincoln Bedroom to the Lincoln Couch Couch….

~ Bulb: potential flower buried ied in autumn, never to be seen again.

th

A four year old boy in Manitoba last weekend was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing through the prize door.

Note to Self: If ever I’m being chased by a police dog don't jump through a hoop of fire or run over a seesaw. They’re trained for that.

Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters.

Coldwater Rental Blair Raymond ► ► ► ► ►

Industrial Equipment Rental Commercial Equipment Rental Heavy Equipment Rental Party Equipment Rental Sales & Repairs ~ Stihl Power Tools

Visit us Online for a Complete list of Rentals and Prices.

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Phone 705-686-9900 Cell 705-330-4867 4867 www.coldwaterrental.ca 2

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Fun Facts

Waubaushene Heritage

~ The longest hiccupping attack lasted 65 years. The longest sneezing fit went on for 978 days.

“The Store That Cares”

~ Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game. ~ German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.

Mary Carpenter 705-538--1857 337 Pine St., Box 429 Waubaushene, ON L0K 2C0 wauher@on.aibn.com

~ It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to cir circle the whole body. ~ The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the bra brain to release calming hormones. ~ An average person uses approximately fifty-seven seven sheets of toilet paper each day. ~ More money is spent on gardening dening than on any other hobby. ~ In Britain, it’s an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.

 Antique furniture

COLDWATER ICE CREAM

 Glass  Stoneware  Metal Wall Art  Funky Jewelry  Home and Garden Decor

~ To see a rainbow you must have your back to the sun. ~ There is 200 times more gold in the world's oceans than has ever been mined.

32 Coldwater Road, Coldwater.

Joel and Lee Reese Proudly Serving Kawartha Premium Ice Cream Open Daily 11:00am – 9:00pm Like us on Facebook or online www.coldwatericecream.com coldwatericecream.com

Astrology - because billions of stars and planets have spent billions of years aligning themselves just to let someone know they’lll meet 'someone with nice eyes' today.

~ The largest toy distributor ibutor in the world is McDonalds. ~ Only 4 percent of babies are born on their due date.

Olde English Sayings That Still Exist in Modern Terminology ~ Wet Your Whistle – Pubs had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. Need a drink, wet the whistle.

My daughter’s new boyfriend is a bricklayer. Seems like a really nice guy. I guess some things are just cement to be.

~ The Clink – The name of a prison which was on Clink k Street in London. It’s I now used as slang for ‘jail’.

Designated Days in July

~ Chew the Fat - A host would offer guests a piece of bacon stored above the fireplace in the parlor while they talked.

~ “Macaroni Day” - Saluting aluting one of the more popular forms of the Italian pasta.

~ Burning urning a Candle at Both Ends – Then, candles andles had wicks at both ends. If you needed more light you lit both ends.

~ “Eat a Vegetable You’ve Never Tried Before Day” - Bok Choy? Rapini? Bamboo? Kudzu?

~ Mind your P's and Q's – Beer was sold in Pints and Quarts. The T innkeeper would yell watch your p’s and q’s ’s if it got unruly.

~ “French Fries Day”- In the day, food that had to be cho chopped into pieces is said to be ‘frenched’.

~ It's t's Raining Cats and Dogs – Many homes had straw roofs where cats and dogs slept to keep warm. When it would rain and

~ “Spider-Man Day” - The he superhero’s first appearance in a comic book in 1962. His own comic book series began in 1963.

the straw was saturated most often the roofs would cave in taking the animals with it.

~ “I Forgot Day” – A day to make up for all the birthdays, anniversaries, and other special occasions that you forgot this year. ~ “Graham Graham Cracker Day”, saluting the wafer developed in 1829 by Presbyt Presbyterian erian minister Sylvester Graham.

My daughter needed help studying for her history exam. She asked if I knew anything about Galileo.

I said I knew that, he was a poor boy, from a poor family. Scaramouch, Scaramouch will you do the fandango?

~ “The Mosquito Festival” – Taking place in Berezniki, R Russia, it features the ‘Most ost Delicious Girl’ competition. Women W compete to see how many mosquito bites they can attract in 20 minutes.

Actual Letters Left on Windshields’ ~ You park like an idiot….please never decide to reproduce.

I want to sell my spitoon on eBay, but I'm worried it might trigger a b'ding! war.

~ I have left nothing of value in my car, but thanks for smashing my window so you can check it out for yourself.

“Sick Day” Lame Excuses As Taken by H.R. Departments

~ Thanks for stealing my parking spot! I’ve put a curse on this vehicle so it never finds another parking parking spot. Enjoy your walk.

~ I couldn’t call to tell you I wouldn’t be coming in because I ha had d to wait for the phone repair guy to show up.

~ Thank you for always parking across the crosswalk. It makes me feel like a movie hero when I have to slide over your hood.

~ I quit smoking on Friday and now I’m to grouchy to come into work,

~ Dear BMW owner; You a now a member of the, “Park Like an %$#@ Club.” Hope you enjoy your honourary membership. membership.

~ The dog ate my car keys. Now we’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I know you didn’t mean to take two parking spots. I assume you were blindfolded while a crazed ferret clawed your privates.

~ I had to go to the hospital. They thought I had appendicitis but it ju just st turned out to be gas.

~ You must work in construction because you park like a tool! Next time I’ll leave a pry bar so you can squeeze your car out.

~ I accidently ate a can of cat food instead of tune and now I’m gravely ill.

~ Congratulations, you’ve won the “Most Inconsiderate Parkers Prize” Follow the arrow in your bumper to find me in the mall.

Cars and Light Trucks Tires Mechanical Certification

VIKING MOBILE REPAIR LTD.

THE COLDWATER GARAGE

Dr. H. Takagi & Staff

Jim Frederickson 705-686-7777 46 Coldwater Road, Coldwater “We Repair Fuel and Brake Lines”

12 Sturgeon Bay Road, Box 310, Coldwater, ON L0K 1E0 Office: 686-3707 3 705-686-3368 705-835-3711 Fax: 705-686

www.coldwaterdental.ca

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Unpopular Vacation Destinations

Autumns Diner

~ Reverend Lonnie’s Clothing Clothing-Optional Optional Trampoline Park … Gold Coast, Australia.

Australi

Home Style Cooking

~ Asphalt Flats St State Park … Newark, New Jersey.

    

~ Wet & Wanton Water Orgy Park … Amsterdam, Netherlands. ~ Mount Pampers … Cincinnati, Ohio. ~ Interpretive Dancing Whimsical Chimney Sweep Theme Park … London, England. ~ The Amazing World of Dirt … Medi Medicine Hat, Alberta. ~ Crystal Lake Fantasy Serial Kil Killer Camp … Vorhees, Illinois.

Halibut Fish and Chips Daily Now Licensed Under the L.L.B.O Book Our Function Room For 60 All Day Breakfast Plenty of Parking

Sue Smit – Owner A 29 Coldwater Road, Coldwater

~Triple Triple Crown Glue Factory … Louisville, Kent Kentucky. ~ Psyschoville … Ukraine Population 1500-1499- 1498-1497- 1496…..

Eat In or Take Out 705.686.3441

COLDWATER AUTO PARTS LTD Laura Simpson  Lawn Tractors and Marine Supplies  In Stock Batteries on Special While Supplies Last Hours: Mon – Fri 8am - 6pm Sat 8am – 5pm Tel: 705-686-7425 Fax: 705-686-3835 3835 6 Sturgeon Bay Rd., Coldwater

That awkward moment when the telemarketer asks you to read back the confirmation number.

I managed to achieve my personal best yesterday of holding my breath underwater for an incredible 8 minutes and 42 seconds.

It all started at my local swimming pool when a woman shouted out to her husband "That's him, over there!"

Best Bumper Stickers s at Little Lake Park

Strange, But Real Organizations

~ The Chain on my Mood Swing Just Broke….Run!!

~ The Association of Sand Castle Builders

~ I try not to judge because I’m quite screwed up myself.

~ Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Mushrooms

~ Don’t follow my footsteps; I walk into a lot of walls.

~ Cookie Cutter Collectors Club

~ Sorry Officer, just put it on my tab tab.

~ International Correspondence of Corkscrew Addicts

~Some days all you need is a billion dollars.

~ The Institute of Totally Useless Skills

Amigone Funeral Home Budget Burials Deeper and Cheaper Ditcher, Quick & Hyde Divorce Lawyers Hell’s Kitchen Catering Derry Air Oxygen Suppliers That Damn Stork Diaper Service

~ Concrete Canoe Club

Little Miss Goody’s New Shoes

~ Association for Renaissance Martial Arts

Drain Surgeons Plumbing

~ Association of Candy Technologists

It’s a Grind Coffee House

~ It’s okay to cry a river. Just build a bridge and get ove over it. ~ Some days I amaze myself. Other days I wear my shirt inside out.

Real Business Names

(Top row from left to right) 1. Be on Time 2. Split Level Homes 3. Three Doors Down 4. Two little, Two Late 5. Close Quarters 6. Sick in Bed 7. Fall Over Backwards 8. Microscope 9. Seafood 10. Back to back victories

I went to an open-air air cafe yesterday and it rained. It took me four hours to eat my soup.

I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear, you know, just in case.

Life By The Numbers

Movie Theatre Snacks From Around the World

~ 93% of dog-owners owners are convinced their pooches have the ability to smile.

~ Dried Sardines – Theater patrons in Japan crunch on small fish, baked in soy sauce & sugar.

~ 85% of us always install a fresh roll of bathroom tissue before company comes over.

~ Roasted Ants – Eaten like peanuts in Colombia, this snack is considered an aphrodisiac.

~ 75% of married women wish their husbands would hold hands more o often ften

~ Dried Reindeer Meat – A fitting snack at a drive-in drive theater for snowmobiles in Norway.

~ 56% of kids eat mac & cheese at least twice a month.

~ Dried Cuttlefish – This meaty, savory fish stands in for popcorn at Korean concessions.

~ 25% 5% of married drivers have kept a traffic tic ticket ket secret from their partner.

~ Salty Licorice – A popular confection at cinemas across The Netherlands.

~ 17% of women would give up their best friend for a week rather than their Smartphone.

~ Dried Salted Plums – In China, these are served dehydrated and heavily pickled.

~ 12% of us dream in black & white.

~ Bajan Fish Cakes – A common street food in Barbados also found at open-air open theaters.

~ 7% of guys have ruined a date by locking the keys in tthe car.

~Souvlaki – Traditional lamb or beef souvlaki is popular at some of Greece’s outdoor cinemas.

Marc’s Auto Repair and Tire Ltd. Call 705.305.5588

Commercial - Residential Professional Offices We do windows, floors and so much more.

For or free quotes call call, 4

Answers to the Frame Games from pg 17

Rick Hart Hartandsoncleaning@gmail.com

The Royal Canadian Legion Branch 68

769 Vinden Street, Midland 705-527 527-1629 E- Tests Tires Front End Alignments Ali Exhaust Full Electronic Diagnostics Technical Needs on All Makes & Models

2 Poyntz Street, Unit 114 Penetanguishene, ON 705-549-4126 Sunday – “Jams” Tuesday – Luncheon and Darts **Become a Member** Join the legion today because you care and because you can!

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Horoscopes for July /17 Cancer - June 21 – July 22 An unavoidable disagreement over an intense emotional issue could provoke random feelings of helplessness now. Thankfully, transformation is your superpower enabling you to skillfully turn negative emotions into superpower, fuel for positive change. Always remember that when words are both true and kind they could change the world.

"Can you tie a knot?" "I cannot."

"So you can knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"

Capricorn - Dec 22 – Jan 19 You are known for your amazing ability to continue plodding through your work until it’s finished. However, you can go over the top in your drive for completion; almost nothing will deter you from reaching your destination. Your current tenacity graces you with a one-track track mind today, as if you are supercharged with an extra dose of practical determination.

Leo - July 23 – Aug 22

Aquarius - Jan 20 – Feb 18

Your passions are so aroused today that you can lose your temper if an emotionally charged discussion does \ not go your way. Although you don’t intend to turn your disappointment into a major issue, there may be negative fallout from your reaction anyway. Hide nothing, for time, which sees all and hears all. all Your skies will clear shortly.

It’s absolutely imperative that you are one hundred percent honest with yourself today or you may run into trouble. Don’tt be afraid to reevaluate your assumptions and reconsider what’s s most important if unfolding events challenge old values that have out served their useful purpose.

However, wever, it makes no sense to set the cart before the horse. hors

Virgo - Aug 23 – Sept 22

Being “Bugged” by Mosquito’s This Summer Summer?

You can’t use logic to solve an illogical problem. Of course, caution is advised, but the possibility of uncovering metaphysical treasures makes the risk more than worth it now. Unfortunately, you may not be able to settle down until you share what's on your with a friend. Fear is temporary; regret is forever.

Biologists at the California Institute of Technology say that mosquitoes oes track down their victims by using a sequence of 3 cues.

Smell, then sight, and finally heat. They’ve made the discovery by recording the movement of hungry female mosquitoes. ~ Distances of up to 160 feet, mosquitoes are attracted by smell, particularly a p plume lume of human breath or body odor.

Pisces - Feb 19 – March 20 You are more confrontational in social settings today because you may be insecure about your role within the group. You might feel marginalized, even if your an integral part of the process. Your our inclination is to withdraw if something rattles your stability. Unfortunately, you can't escape from your responsibilities without making a scene.

~ When aroused by smell, they head for something visually interesting i.e.: a high-contrastt shirt. This has a range of 50 feet.

Libra - Sept 23 – Oct 22

~ Once within 3 feet of a potential target, they zero in on body heat.

Everyone expects you to deliver on your recent promises and you can't afford to drop the ball before fulfilling your commitments. No doubt, there is plenty of hard work in front of you, and you are uncharacteristically compulsive about handling your responsibilities today. Nevertheless, don't allow anything to pull you so far off course stay strong and true.

The Biologists also suggest the best home remedies scents that the mosquito’s avoided included, Lemon eucalyptus oil, Lavender,, Cinnamon oil, Thyme oil, Citronella and Tea tree oil. Essential oils should never be put on the skin directly. They are always diluted in a carrier oil such as almond oil. The recipe is usually 3 to 5 drops of essential oil in 1 ounce of carrier oil.

I’ve decided to sellcontact my budgie, if you’re interested please “tweet” me.

You might also have difficulty making with friends or loved ones.

Youme may keep missing each other. there.

Scorpio - Oct 23 – Nov 21 People make more and more demands on your time now, leading you to believe you’ve lost control of your priorities. Perhaps your schedule has grown so complicated that you don’t don know how you can regain normalcy. A solution is just around the corner. Opportunity is missed by most people eople because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

Coldwater

Local Freshness

Friendly Neighbours

77 Coldwater Rd, Coldwater ON

Custom Deli Party Platters In store Baked Goods Gift Baskets Baking Supplies Wide selection of fresh cut meats Fresh Produce Lottery Kiosk

► ► ► ► ► ► ►

BBQ Chicken Custom Cut Meats Floral Department Gift Cards Hot Deli Counter Delivery Services – Call or Shop your – we deliver

Gemini - May 21 – June 20 Relationships are front and center today, but you’re only interested if there’s an equal give and take. Although you might prefer keeping the conversation on the lighter side, denial will only exacerbate the problem. Dive into a lively discussion, but only after ground rules have been established establishe that

Store Hours Sunday: 7:30 a.m. to 6:00

All Types of Roofing and Siding Supplies  Windows  Doors  Skylights  Trusses  Kitchen and Counters  Decks and Railings  Seamless Eavestrough and Soffits  Insulation and ventilation products  Custom Metal Flashing

Mon - Wed: 7:30 to 8:00 Thursday: 7:30 a.m. to 9:00 Friday: 7:30 a.m. to 9:00 Saturday: 7:30 a.m. to 7:00.

More Than You’d Expect!

Expect

Celebrating 63 Years in the Community 5

Taurus - April 20 – May 20 You ou possess the necessary skills to guarantee your success. But reaching your goals is not very satisfying unless you do so in a kind and supportive manner. Your current adversary might not even be a real nemesis unless you turn him or her into one by escalating a disagreement.

Find common ground by moving to higher ground.

Sagittarius - Nov 22 – Dec 21 Its time to face your insecurities so you can clean up a messy situation that threatens a significant relationship. The problem is you have already taken the bait and are hooked on untangling the complicated issues.

Take a moment to reflect first. Courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid. Courage means you don’t let fear stop you.

Summer Entertaining Begins with Coldwater Foodland ► ► ► ► ► ► ►

Aries - March 21 – April 19 There’s s no need to instigate conflict just to demonstrate that you will come out on top. Rather than being unnecessarily combative at home or on the job now, go out of your way to be helpful to all those who could benefit from your assistance. Cooperate with others; compete with yourself,, but don’t carry it unto others especially family.

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PHONE: (705)526-0199 0199

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These products offer the best combination of quality, price and selection.

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Actual Fall University Courses ~ Staffordshire University, Stoke Stoke-on-Trent UK … ‘David Beckham Studies’. ~ Columbia College, Chicago IL … ‘Zombies in Popular Media’. ~ Georgetown University, Washington DC … ‘Philosophy of Star Trek’. ~University University of Durham, Durham UK … ‘Harry P Potter otter & The Age of Illusion’. ~ Queen’s University, Belfast, Northern Ireland … ‘Feel the Force: How tto Train In the Jedi Way’. ~ University of California, Berkeley C CA … ‘Arguing With Judge Judy’. ~ University of Texas, Austin TX … ‘Invented L Languages: anguages: Klingon and Beyond’. ~ University of Virginia, inia, Charlottesville VA … offer offers a 4-week seminarr series on “Game of Thrones”. ~ Skidmore College, Saratoga Springs NY … ‘The Sociology Of Miley Cyrus: Ra Race, ce, Class, Gender, and Media’. ~ Rutgers University, New Brunswick NJ … ‘Politicizing Beyoncé’.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEBODY WOULD BREAK INTO MY HOUSE JUST TO STEAL MY REMOTES CON…Wait a second… I found it.

Top 10’s

Read an interesting article that Strawberry Rhubarb pie cost the equivalent of $9.00 in Jamaica. Blueberry Pie is $13.00 in Trinidad and Tobago.

Apple pie is $4.00 in St. Kitts. And that my friends are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

You Know Your Kid’s are at a Bad Summer Camp When…

Top 10

Top 10

Best Fishing Team Names

Television “Nerds”

~ The mess hall has a cash bar.

10. Broke Back Bassers

10. Carlton Banks – Fresh Prince of Bel--Air

There are weekly prizes for ‘Best Rash’.

9. Limber Rods

9. Ross Gellar - Friends

~ After 3 days, you spot your kid in a bad part of town paving driveways.

8. Worm Shakers

8. Sue Heck – The Middle

~ Youngsters take turns being ‘Camp Doctor’.

7. Team Bent Rod

7. Manny Delgado – Modern Family

~ Your daughter starts using a lot of prison slang.

6. The Jigheads

6. Cliff Clavin – Cheers

5. Three poles and the honey hole

5. Dana Scully – X-Files

4. A Treble and a Single

4. Spencer Reid – Criminal Minds

3. Three Bass and a Gill

3. Niles Crane - Frasier

2. Hook em and Cook em

2. George Costanza – Seinfeld

1.Anchor Management

1. Amy-Sheldon-Leonard-Raj-Howard – Big Bang Theory

~ It’s the first time you’ve heard of a road kill culinary camp ~ Son comes home with a poorly stitched incision where his kidney used to be. ~ It’s called Mr & Mrs Cranky’s Camp for Kids Whose Parents Don’t Love Them. ~ It’s called Camp Itchibug of Muskoka.

I know my wife loves me when she hugs me like they just called her name on The Price Is Right.

Thoughts for July

My daughter keeps telling me, “your our lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.” switch.

~ FYI strawberry shampoo does not taste nearly as good as it smells. ~ Why do I think the traffic light will change if I talk to it?

Criminal of the Month

~ Bought a weight loss exercise video. After watching it 3 times a day for 3 months I haven't lost anything. anything

A man awaiting trial on burglary charges in Hillsboro, Missouri attempted to escape before being sentenced.

~ Shaking my cell phone to "Auto-Rotate" Rotate" brings me back to my childhood playing with an "Etch A Sketch!"

Garrette Bellew was told by his lawyer he would probably get three years. Not wanting to do any time in prison, Garrette,

~ There’s no panic like trying to press “End Call” when you accidentally pocket dial someone.

unhandcuffed in the prisoner box dropped his pants and ran directly at a bulletproof window, w, and unsuccessfully tried to

~ I know I've bought enough groceries when the "fasten seat belt" light is flashing for the passenger side!

shatter it with — his bare butt. The judge humoured by the event gave Bellew and extra year to think of a better escape plan.

D. Saulnier Auto Parts Wrecker & Used Cars Ltd. 1750 GOLF LINK ROAD TINY, ONTARIO L0L 2J0

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1447 Woodrow Rd., Coldwater 705-835-2104 19

This Month in History for July, 2017

Actual Answers from Jeopardy Q: On December 4, 1783, George Washington bid his officers farewell at this New York City tavern.

A: What is the Whiskey-A-Go-Go?

~ 1608 City of Quebec Que founded by Samuel de Champlain. ~ 1884 Statue of Liberty presented to US in Paris.

Q: Paul III roared at him, "I have waited 30 years for your services. Now, I'm pope. Can't I satisfy my desire?"

A: Who is Lady Godiva?

~1894 1894 Elwood Haynes successfully tests one of 1st US autos at 6 MPH. ~ 1904 Ice cream cone created by Charles E Menches during La Purchase Expo.

Q: In craps, the numbers you will need to roll an Easy 10 10?

A: What are 9 and 1?

~ 1937 Amelia Earhart & Fred Noonan disappear over Pacific Ocean.

Q: To get to Wallace, Idaho from Boston, get on II-90 90 West, and the first one of these you 'hit', you're there.

A: What is a buffalo?

~ 1945 US Army bomber crashes into 79th floor of Empire State Bldg, 14 die.

~ 1940 Battle of Britain begins begi as the German Luftwaffe attacks London by air. ~ 1955 Ted Allen throws a record 72 consecutive horseshoe ringers. ~1956 Elvis Presley records "Hound Dog" & "Don't Be Cruel".

Q: This nursery rhyme was based on actual events at a 1900 schoolhouse.

A: What is 'There once was a man from Nantucket?'

~ 1969 Neil Armstrong steps on the Moon at 2:56:15 AM. ~ 1970 Air Canada DC-8 DC 8 crashes 7 miles from Toronto's airport killing 109.

Q: This term for a long handled gardening tool can also mean an immoral pleasure seeker.

A: What is a hoe?

~ 1971 Jim Morrison rocker (Doors), dies of heart failure in Paris at 27. ~ 1972 In New York, 57 murders occur in 24 hours. ~1976 1st outbreak of "Legionnaire's Disease" kills 29 in Philadelphia. ~ 1988 US Navy shoots down Iranian civilian jetliner over Gulf, kills 290.

Heard a knock at the door earlier so went and opened it and there was a guy standing about 3ft 3 inches in height.

I said who are you!? He said I'm the meter man!!

~ 1989 Toronto Blue Jays are 10 games back in AL, & go on to win the AL East

So, Who is Joey Chestnut?

Joey "Jaws" Chestnut has done it again, ten times to be precise as he gulped, chomped and

I ran over my plastic recycling box and now I don't know where to put the pieces.

powered his is way to another title during Nathan's Famous July Fourth Hot Dog eating Contest C in

Strange Items That Have Gone Up for Auction

Coney Island New York. Joey, who calls alls himself a professional competitive eater, swallowed 72 hot dogs in ten minutes to capture the crown. Joey says he gained roughly 23 pounds during the competition (15 pounds of hot dog, 8 pounds of water).

~ Joe Frazier’s jockstrap from the famous 1971, ‘The Fight Of the Century’ sold in 2016 for $5000.00

It’s not only hot dog records Chestnuts break, in 2005 during a deep fried asparagus eating competition, in which he

~ The violin that purportedly played during the final hours of the sinking of the Titanic sold in 2013 for 1.7 million.

placed first by eating nearly six and a half pounds of deep fried asparagus

~ Weeks before his death, John Lennon had a tooth tooth extracted . His dentist had kept it and auctioned it off for $31,200 in 2014.

in 11.5 minutes. Is there money in competitive eating?

~ A 10-year year-old old grilled cheese sandwich, which bore the resemblance of the Virgin Mary sold in 2013 for $28,000.

So far in twelve years Chestnut has earned over $673,000 dollars in prize money.

~ A 30 year old in Utah sold her forehead for advertising space. She collected $10,000 but has “GoldenPalace.com” ” on her head.

My doctor told me to eat more greens. So I filled my fridge with mint Aero bars.

I said to my son today, "I want to tell you about the facts of life, son.""I know all about the birds and the bees Dad, I'm 18." he laughed.

I said, "No, I mean abou about getting a job and paying rent.

The ‘World Famous Gopher Hole Museum’ in Torrington, Torrington Alberta lberta features 39 whimsical displays featuring

A daughter asked her dad, "Dad there is something that my auto mechanic boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand. He

67 stuffed rodents dressed up in costumes (leather jackets, overalls, etc) to depict d various scenes ranging

said that I have a beautiful chassis, two lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

from m a wedding to a fashion show. There’s even a ‘Royal Canadian Mounted Gopher’. Torrington has apparently

Her father replied, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil,

gone gopher mad, with gopher fire hydrants and even a village mascot called ‘Clem T GoFer’.

I will give him such a service that his motor will seize and his ball bearings will fall off."

Michelle Cranley Owner/Operator A new Treasure Everyday

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Y You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.

How many kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Clearly more than three because my basement is still dark!

Jimmy Fallons Thank You

Chuckler Frame Games

~ Thank you emails that say “You have successfully unsubscribed from these emails”, for completely missing the point.

B Time

~ Thank you, Pamela Anderson, for running the New York City Marathon; it must have been hard to jog that far in slow motion. ~ Thank you Kentucky Derby Officials for banning selfie sticks b but ut still allowing whips for next year’s race.

ho ho me me

~ Thank you plastic shopping bag for being the perfect size to store all my plastic shopping bags in. ~ Thank you revolving doors for making angry exits impossible.

D O O R S

D O O R S

D O O R S

Answers on Page 21

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Late Late

¼ ¼¼ ¼ ¼ ¼ ¼ ¼¼ ¼ ¼ ¼ ¼ ¼ ¼¼ ¼

Carrots Chocolate Corn Caramel Cake

victoriesvictories

~ Thank you Valedictorian speeches for giving students one more chance to not pay attention before they leave school for good. ~ Thank you inflatable neck cushions for showing me what it would look like if I got hit over the head with a toilet seat.

Just read the headline on News World:: "Police Launch Sting on Terrorist Cell" How cruel is that,, no wonder he went solo.

BEsickD

High School Essay Metaphors

Fall sdrawkcaB

~ The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. ~ His thoughts tumbled loudly in his head, like running shoes in a dryer without Cling Free.

scope

Wrote my first kid’s book the other day. It’s about a baby cookie that wouldn’t stop crying because his mother had been a wafer so long.

~ She had a deep throaty laugh. That sound a dog makes just before he throws up. ~ He was as bald as one of those Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.

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~ She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. ~ He smelt bad! His aftershave should’ve been called Enema, made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural fragrances. ~ "Oh, Jason!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1beer night.

4 Michael Anne Drive, Coldwater across from the Coldwater Bowling Centre

~ It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. ~ I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpookli Geschpooklichkeit or something.

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Jennings Lodge Retirement Home 38 Church Street Penetanguishene, ON

The Tiffany Restaurant Where Good Food and Good Times Meet

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26 Coldwater Road, Coldwater 705-686 686-3676

“We Care

Tibor & Erika Papay Proprietors

Tom Hanks is 61 Harrison Ford is 75 Sandra Bullock is 53 Tom Cruise is 55 Sofia Vergara is 45 Kevin Hart is 38 Will Ferrell is 50 Arnold Schwarzenegger is 70

Dine In or Take Out

Apparently they’re making a remake of the Never End Ending ing Story. It starts with a parent asking a five year old how there day was.

Thoughts From Mom

Vin Diesel is 50 Selena Gomez is 25 Matt LeBlanc is 50 Lisa Kudrow is 54 Kristen Bell is 37 Larry David is 70 David Hasselhoff is 65 Kevin Bacon is 59

Danny Glover is 71 Daniel Radcliffe is 28 Alex Trebek is 77 Forest Whitaker is 56 Fred Savage is 40 Patrick Stewart is 77 Donald Sutherland is 82 Mick Jagger is 74

Jennifer Lopez is48 Cheech Marin is 71 Pamela Anderson is 50 Bill Cosby is 80 Sylvester Stallone is 71 Ringo Starr is 77 Anjelica Huston is 66 J.K. Rowling is 52

Gone, But Never Forgotten

~ After clipping pping my childs fingernails for the past two years, I feel I could defuse a bomb on a roller coaster.

Terry Fox 59 Princess Diana 56 Nelson Mandela 99

~ The hardest thing about being a mom is being “fake mad” when your child does something bad but it’s hilarious. ~ They saw the average mom speaks 20,000 words a day. My four year old does that by breakfast. ~ When I was pregnant I swore my child would never have a tantrum in public. Please take a moment and laugh with me.

Robin Williams 66 Estelle Getty 91

Chris Cornell 53 Philip Seymour Hoffman 50

Red Skelton 104 Natalie Wood 79 Don Knotts 93

Gloria Stewart 107 Bon Scott 71 Ginger Rogers 106

~ A good way to practice being a mom is by talking to a rock. Kids and rocks have the same attention span.

Autocorrect changed “you’re so wise” to “you’re so wide”, and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.

~ Sometimes when I’m upset my voice gets so loud even the neighbours kids put their p.j.’s on and brush their teeth. ~ You know you’re a mom when sleeping in until 6:30 feels as magical as riding out of your bedroom on a unicorn.

Signs Your Wedding Day Isn’t Going Well

~ Having kids is like continually having to clean up from a party you didn’t attend.

~ When your vows start with, "Do you, CuteBabe19, take BigGuy23"? ~ Sure, it rains at some outdoor weddings, but hellfire and brimstone?

The arrival of hair on the arms means, "Welcome to the prime of you your life".

The arrival of hair on your ears means, "Thanks for playing".

~ Writing your wedding vows in Klingon seemed like such a cool idea at the bachelor party. ~ Your bride keeps on telling you u that it's unlucky to see her “after” the wedding.

So You’re Going to Win the 649 Lottery

~ The ceremony is spoiled by the insistent beeping from the bride's ankle cuff.

Your chance of winning Lotto 649 is approximately 1 in 13,983,816 when you do the math calculations.

~ After greeting your bride by name, the hotel clerk asks if she wants the room for the whole night this time.

1. Get a piece of rope or string, that’s 39 feet long.

~ You spot Ron n Jeremy sitting on the bride's side of the church.

2. In a wide open area, arrange the rope or string in a circle, end to end, the best you can.

I’ve nicknamed the corner of my bathtub. So now it’s referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"

3. Get a single grain of sand or dirt (use tweezers!) and place it anywhere you wish inside the circle.

4. Get a second grain of sand. Close your eyes, and ““disorient” yourself as to where the grain the first grain of sand is.

Had a friend request on Facebook the other day from an old high school classmate. classmate After getting reacquainted I asked what he

5. While you’re inside the circle, e, drop the second grain of sand from 1 foot up.

was doing? doing He replied that he was working on “Aqua-thermal thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained

6. Your chances of hitting the first grain of sand with the second are roughly equal to the odds of ““1 in 13,983,816.”

environment.” I was impressed…Upon further inquiring, I got stuck behind a Student Driver on Hwy. 12 earlier. I tailgated him until I got a chance to pass, then I cut him off and laid on the horn.

I rolled down my window and shouted insult insults as I sped off. It was at that point that my examiner told me I'd failed my test again.

I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.

Willow Tree Salon & Spa

Cars and Light Trucks Tires Mechanical Certification VIKING MOBILE REPAIR LTD.

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Leanne McCarthy

Jim Frederickson 705-686 686-7777 46 Coldwater Road, Coldwater “We Repair Fuel and Brake Lines”

- Family Hair Styling - Full Head Colour - Highlights - Bridal Parties - Manicures & Pedicures

705.686.7403 47 Coldwater Road, Coldwater Leanne@willowtreesalon.ca

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Claire’s FINE WINES 705-526-2337 Great Wine made by you...

Enjoyed with friends!

349 Cranston Cres. Midland www.clairesfinewines.com clairesfinewine@gmail.com

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Coldwater Self Storage 3003 Southorn Rd. Coldwater, ON Jack Angus Karrie Angus 705 705-794-6325 Angusjackl@gmail.com Angusjackl@

705-345-4646 Anguskarrie@amtelecom.net

My kid’s are very optimistic; every glass they leave lying around the house is half full!

What New Parents Say and What They Actually Mean ~ She just needs a nap.” [She's freaking out and I have absolutely no idea why.] ~ “Oh, it’s not you.” [It's definitely you and something you're doing that is making my kid cry.] ~“Yeah, that sounds like you had a really rough night.” [Oh, you 'only' got 6 hours sleep? That's cute.] ~ Sorry, my house isn’t normally this messy.” [It's usually much worse and I frantically hid piles of laundry ~ “He’s just being shy.” [I probably wouldn't want to talk to you either.] ~ “Oh no! no! She’s never done that before!” [She did that to someone else last week. And I'm sure will do it again one day soon.] ~ Uh-oh! oh! I think somebody went stinkers!” [What kind of unholy stench is emanating from your child? ~ “He’s teething.” [Sorry for the copious cop amounts of drool all over you.] ~ “I’m good.” [I'm so tired I'm actually surprised I can form a complete sentence.]

Sometimes when I'm bored I like to fill my bath tub up with water and turn on the shower, so I can pretend I'm in a submarine that just got hit. hit

Understanding Golf ~ If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life. ~ I love going for a round of golf. I’m in the sand and water so much it's like a day at the beach. ~ It takes at least 5 holes to notice that a club is missing. ~ The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday. ~ You can hit a 2-acre acre fairway 10% of the time but a 2-inch 2 branch 90% of the time. ~ Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short. ~ Golf carts always die at the point on the course that’s farthest from the clubhouse.

Celebrating 26 Years 725 Vindin Street Midland, ON 10

705-527-4012

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9792 Hwy #93 Midland, On L4R 5K5

New Arrivals Include, ► Ladies sandals, Nautical items & Coldwater T-shirts

Phone -705-549-7104 Fax-705-549-7078

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Web-www.Marcelville.com Email-marcelvillej@gmail.com

24 Coldwater Road, Coldwater

Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!

I started thinking about working in a mirror factory; that type of work is something that I can totally see myself doing.

The Honeymoon is Over Horserace

Cane of the Future

Welcome to the Honeymoon is Over Horserace…..They’re at the Gate…and they’re off…..Out of the gates it’s “Romance” and

A walking stick with built-in in sat sat-nav nav has been developed by Japanese technology giant Fujitsu.

“Affection.” With “Domestic Bliss” close behind. It’s “Romance” and “Affection” and “Domestic Bliss”. Here comes “Marriage

The ‘Next Generation Cane’ is designed to help elderly people find their way, as well as monitor

Vows” followed by “Immediate Child”, “Romance” and “Affection” are falling off quickly. “Mortgaged up the Wahzoo” is over

things such as heart rate,, blood pressure and temperature. The cane’s location can be monitored online and it can

taking “Domestic Bliss” and here comes “Nasty Attitude” followed by “More Children” and “Drinking Heavily”. Coming out of

be set up to send email alerts if the cane senses the user may have fallen, or is in any hazard.. The prototype device is equipped

that stretch it’s “Drinking “Drinking Heavily” moving out in front of “Mortgaged up the Wahzoo” But coming up quickly on the outside

with a variety of technologies, including GPS, 3G, and WiFi. When a change of direction is needed, the walking stic stick vibrates

“Credit in Shambles”! It’s “Credit in Shambles” followed by “I Give Up” Up “Nasty Attitude” titude” and “I Can’t Stand This”.

and an arrow appears on the handle. The cane manufactu manufacturers rers are also loading a distress button that calls 911 in any emergency.

“You Can C Keep This Stupid House” is challenging ging coming around the Clubhouse turn. Passing on the inside inside rail it’s “I can’t Stand This” This and here comes “I Hate this Stupid id House”, “Your Cooking is Horrible” and “I Want Want a Divorce”. Here they come around the final turn, “I Give Up” is still front with “Your Your Cooking is Horrible” Horrible” challenging for the lead. They’re neck’n

I read in a magazine that in the forest the most common form of violence is owl on owl domestics, caused by drive drive-by hootings.

neck…..And down the stretch they come! “You “You can Keep This Stupid House” and “II Give Up” and from the back of the pack here comes “I “ am Outta Here”. “ Coming on strong now it’s s, “I am Outta a Here” and passing the pack is “I hate this Stupid House.” And at the wire. it’s, “You can Keep This Stupid House” “I Give Up” Up and “I am Outta Here”.

I don’t understand “The Bachelor”. ”. It’s the show that answers the question; "How much wine do you have to drink until the guy kissing twenty different women seems like he'd make a good husband?"

19 Michael Anne Dr. Coldwater 705 705-686-3321

The “Chuckler” is published monthly in Moonstone ON. We look forward to hearing from you.

For more information on “The Chuckler” please pl call us at, 705-279-5802.

Or, email us at, thechuckler@csolve.net uckler@csolve.net. Thank you for your support!

Visit us online at, www.coldwaterbowling.ca

O Summer special - $5.00 off one hour play per lane up to 6 people.

Now only $24.95!! Offer expires August 31, 2017.

O You bring the

and we will supply the

and the

"You can't take itt with you when you go." Customs officers spoil everything.

A.C. Hours

O Watch for new upcoming fun menu! We are not just for bowling anymore!

+ + 11

$13.00 $11.00

Mon. – Fri. 7am-9pm Sat. 8am – 7pm Sun. 9am – 7pm

We’ll bowl you over with our specials Come check us out. specials.

Where the Community Comes First!

“We deliver anywhere from Penetanguishene to Victoria Harbour, and all points in-between!” in between!”

Open Bowling~ Parties Tournaments Company Outings Computerized Scoring

Maurice’s valu-mart mart Personal Shopping Service FREE DELIVERY – Contact Store for Details 277 King Street On the corner of Hugel in Downtown Midland 705-526--5140

Our Laundry Mat is Open Daily From 7:00am – 10:00pm 14

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