Breaking the Cycle

BREAKING THE CYCLE

VICKIE HINTON JANICE INGRAM

BREAKING THE CYCLE

VICKIE HINTON

JANICE INGRAM

*Not certified representatives of Arbinger Institute

CHAPTER 1

We are not given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.

2 Timothy 1:7

WHAT IS ABUSE?

Question: How would you define abuse?

Definition of abuse for the purposes of our class:

A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his target subordinated and under his control.

This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social, and physical.

Not all of these elements need be present for it to be abuse. Threats are often used to frighten a victim into compliance.

cryingoutforjustice.blog

DIFFERENT TYPES OF ABUSE

FINANCIAL: Making or attempting to make a person financially dependent, e.g., maintaining total control over financial resources and withholding access to money, are some forms of financial abuse (also called economic abuse). (womenslaw.org)

If you feel you must account for every penny or have to ask for money to purchase basic necessities, you may be in a financially abusive relationship.

EMOTIONAL:

Emotional abuse is an attempt to control through coercive behavior, in just the same way that physical abuse is an attempt to control through physically injuring another.

The emotional abuser does not use physical hitting, kicking, pinching, grabbing, pushing or other physical forms of harm. Rather the perpetrator of emotional abuse uses emotion as his/her weapon of choice. (Psychology Today) Bullying, name-calling, guilting, threatening – these are all examples of EA.

VERBAL:

Patricia Evans, author and communications specialist, says that verbal abuse is a lie told to you or about you. It defines people, telling them who they are, what they think, their motives, and so forth.

Most people targeted by verbal abuse try to explain to the abuser why what they’ve just heard is not true or not okay. They explain themselves because they believe the perpetrator is rational and can hear them and that the relationship will then get better. Then they usually hear more verbal abuse, for instance, “You’re too sensitive.” (verbalabuse.com)

SEXUAL:

Leslie Vernick, counselor and life coach, says there are three signs that there is sexual abuse in an intimate relationship:

1. She is forced to do sexual things she does not want to do

2. She complies with his sexual demands but only because she is threatened or is afraid of dire consequences if she refuses

3. Her feelings don’t matter. Each of these indicators reveal that her husband believes he’s entitled to get what he wants with little or no regard for his wife’s personal feelings, values, or desires. If it’s good for him, it doesn’t matter if it hurts or humiliates her. It’s all about him and his needs. Her role is to serve and service him. Her feelings and needs are secondary or irrelevant. To him a wife is a body to use, a possession to own, not a person to love. Refusing intimacy as a punishment is also abusive.

PHYSICAL:

Physical abuse is the non-accidental use of force that results in bodily injury, pain, or impairment. This includes but is not limited to being slapped, bruised, cut, burned, or improperly physically restrained. (New York State Office of Children and Families)

SPIRITUAL:

Signs of spiritual abuse between intimate partners include when an abusive partner:

• ridicules or insults the other person’s religious or spiritual beliefs

• prevents the other partner from practicing their religious or spiritual beliefs

• uses their partner’s religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or shame them

• forces the children to be raised in a faith that the other partner has not agreed to

• uses religious texts or beliefs to minimize or rationalize abusive behaviors (such as physical, financial, emotional or sexual abuse/marital rape) (thehotline.org)

NEGLECT OR INDIFFERENCE:

The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. Your partner simply does not care about you or your feelings. He does not care if you are happy or sad; your feelings are of no importance to him. That is a most hurtful behavior.

SOCIAL:

Social abuse is present when an abuser engages in a pattern of certain types of behavior. You may be in a socially abusive relationship if your partner:

• Encourages friends who are abusive

• Monitors your social activities

• Treats you disrespectfully in front of others

• Tells secrets or embarrassing stories about you

• Refuses to socialize with your family or friends

• Refuses to let you work outside the home

• Demands that you account for all your time with social contacts

• Controls who you can visit and when

• Alienates you from your family and friends

• Demands you move away from friends and a supportive environment

// YOUR TURN //

List the abuses you’ve suffered, and the category they fall into.

1 Are you blamed whenever things go wrong? 2 Is free time devoted to your partner's interests? 3 Do you do more than a fair share of either paid or unpaid work? 4 Is your partner a "nasty" drunk or drug user? 5 Are you made to have unwanted sex after you've said no? 6 Do you feel you must ask permission to do things? 7 Are you forbidden to spend money? Are you unable to buy things without asking? 8 Are you sometimes punished for "misbehaving," which can include the silent treatment or other subtle forms of disapproval? 9 Are you restricted from enjoying outside friendships?

In childhood, was your partner or his mother abused?

Does he have a Jekyll/Hyde personality?

Are you the butt of humiliating jokes? 13 Is there a scene if you express a different opinion?

Do you cover for or make excuses for your partner's behavior?

Do you live in fear of your loved one?

TABULATE YOUR SCORES

USING THE SCALE BELOW: SCORE: ACTION:

1 to 2 Take notice, work together to improve relationship.

3 to 4

4 to 6

7 to 15

Get help from qualified source (therapist or minister).

Relationship unsafe; abuse is the issue. Couples counseling is not appropriate.

CRISIS INTERVENTION NEEDED. Seek help for yourself from appropriate resources and domestic abuse advocates. Couples counseling is not appropriate.

Source: Stronger Than Espresso, Dr. Brooke Jones, 2012

How dangerous was your most recent abusive relationship?

IF YOU ANSWERED YES

TO AT LEAST FOUR OF THE QUESTIONS, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WAS NOT A SAFE ONE.

It could have been unsafe in any number of ways; just because he didn’t physically lay his hands on you does not mean your partner wasn’t dangerous.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.”

CHAPTER 2

CHARACTERISTICS OF VICTIMS AND ABUSERS

What kind of women are abused? All kinds. But generally, there are recognizable character “types” or personalities that fall into abusive relationships. These types may be easily seen by others, or may be how a woman views herself. The roots of these character traits were most often sowed through childhood trauma or neglect. The following material is summarized from Beverly Engel’s book, The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself.

UNFORMED IDENTITY

One type of woman who can easily find herself in repeated patterns of abuse is the woman who has an unformed identity; she doesn’t know what she likes, what she feels, or who she is.

This identity-less woman will often take on the characteristics and beliefs of other people to help fill the emptiness she feels about herself. She simultaneously fears being alone but doesn’t form intimate relationships because she fears being rejected. She is unaware of her identity issues and how they work to sabotage her relationships, so she returns to the same abuser or finds a new one over and over again.

WOMEN WHO HAVE ISSUES WITH THEIR IDENTITIES OFTEN:

• Blame themselves when things go wrong

• See themselves as all bad when they make a mistake

• Placate others to keep them calm and satisfied

• Try to stay ahead of all conversations so they can anticipate trouble and head it off

• Have difficulty making decisions

• Have trouble identifying what they like and what is acceptable

• Suffer from anxiety

DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN THIS PROFILE?

HOW DOES THIS LOOK IN YOUR LIFE AND RELATIONSHIPS?

PEOPLE PLEASER/ PERFECTIONIST

A second type of woman who often finds herself in abusive relationships is the people pleaser/perfectionist. This woman has great difficulty forming and maintaining healthy boundaries. The discomfort and tension she later feels if she actually does refuse to do something for someone else brings about extreme anxiety and fear of rejection/abandonment. She makes excuses for others’ bad behavior, and often feels great bitterness and resentment for the work she does which goes unnoticed and unappreciated. She often feels she has 100% responsibility but zero authority to back it up. She keeps the peace, even at great cost to herself.

PEOPLE PLEASERS:

• Take their identity through helping people and caregiving

• Feel inadequate and out of step with others

• Can be easily guilted

• Feel taken advantage of and resentful

• Pretend they like something they don’t

• Fear abandonment

• Think that their caregiving behavior will be reciprocated

DO YOU SEE YOURSELF AS A PLEASER/ PERFECTIONIST?

HOW DOES THIS IMPACT YOUR LIFE AND RELATIONSHIPS?

CODEPENDENT

The codependent woman is at great risk of being caught in repetitive abuse cycles. There are lots of definitions of codependency, but for the purposes of helping to define this type of abused woman, we’ll call it a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. A codependent woman has very poorly defined boundaries, and has great difficulty asserting her needs, wants, and rights. She has difficulty identifying and acknowledging her emotions, pushing those feelings to the background by focusing instead on the needs of others. She believes that if she can just figure out the right approach, the right behavior modification, the right therapy, etc., she will know what’s wrong with her abuser and be able to fix it.

CODEPENDENTS OFTEN:

• Take their identity through the roles they play: wife, mom, employee

• Have difficulty identifying their feelings

• Stay in harmful relationships

• Minimize, alter, or deny how they feel

• Spend vast amounts of time trying to “fix” people

• Avoid emotional intimacy

• Must feel needed

DO YOU SEE YOURSELF AS A CODEPENDENT?

HOW DOES THIS IMPACT YOUR LIFE AND RELATIONSHIPS?

TOXIC-SHAME-BASED

Women who find themselves in abusive relationships are often mired in toxic shame. Shame is guilt you might feel when you do something wrong. Toxic shame is the deeply held conviction that you are flawed and unworthy. Shame is hidden behind coping mechanisms such as perfectionism, control, blame, criticism, contempt, etc. When a deeply shamed woman is in a relationship with an abuser, part of her believes his words are true and that she deserves his contempt. Some people may experience a shame trigger and be instantly consumed with fear that their shame will be found out. Others may experience a shame trigger and lash out in retaliation for being made to feel that way. A woman who experiences guilt for something wrong she has done will feel regret and fearful of consequences, and will want to make amends. A woman who lives in toxic shame believes she deserves punishment for wrongdoings real or imagined, and that whatever happens to her is in some way deserved and inevitable. (John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You)

WOMAN WHO HAVE TOXIC SHAME OFTEN:

• Suffer intense feelings of shame and unworthiness

• Feel they deserve punishment for past and present mistakes

• Can’t forgive themselves

• Are hyper-sensitive and self-critical

• Feel they are to blame for anything that may go wrong

• Are attracted to abusive, cruel, and uncaring men

DO YOU BELIEVE YOU CARRY TOXIC SHAME?

HOW DOES THAT AFFECT YOUR LIFE AND RELATIONSHIPS?

On the flip side of this, what kind of person is an abuser? There are several types of disordered people who choose to abuse. In her book Healing from Hidden Abuse, licensed clinical social worker Shannon Thomas breaks these types into three major categories: NARCISSIST, SOCIOPATH, and PSYCHOPATH. Not every person who chooses to abuse is disordered, and most abusers are never diagnosed due to refusal to commit to therapy. These labels are intended to help you understand what you are up against; CALLING YOUR ABUSER A NARCISSIST OR SOCIOPATH IS A VERY BAD IDEA.  But most abusers will exhibit some of the tendencies Shannon attributes to these personality types. To illustrate the differences, she uses this car analogy:

• A NARCISSIST will run you over and scold you for being in their way. They will endlessly complain about how you damaged their car.

• A SOCIOPATH will run you over, scold you for being in their way, and have a smirk because secretly they get entertainment out of the chaos they’ve created.

• A PSYCHOPATH will go to great lengths and take calculated steps to ensure that they run you over, laugh while doing it, and back up to make sure the most damage is done. The differences lie in the intensity of toxicity that is present in the person who chooses to remain disordered. All have issues with feeling empathy for others.

WHO ABUSES?

It could be one or both parents; another relative; a friend; a coworker; a boss; a love interest; or a spiritual advisor, to name a few. But one thing is common:

RARELY WILL A TOXIC PERSON ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE HARM THEY’VE INFLICTED AND OFFER A SINCERE APOLOGY.

They find it unbearable to admit to flaws, and may adamantly deny that they’ve done anything wrong.

“Their attempts to remove themselves from making mistakes looks like a weak ego. It is the fact of life showing them they are not perfect that

Lenore Walker, author of The Battered Woman and an expert in the field of domestic violence, says there are patterns that domestic abusers typically follow in intimate partner violence. They are:

•THE TENSION-BUILDING PHASE:

During the tension-building phase the abuser becomes more temperamental and critical of the victim. As the tension escalates, the victim feels as if she is “walking on eggshells.” The victim may try to placate the abuser to prevent the abuse.

•THE ACUTE EXPLOSIVE PHASE:

The abuser verbally or physically attacks the victim. This is much more intense than during the tension-building phase and may increase in intensity with each explosive phase.

•THE HONEYMOON PHASE:

The batterer expresses remorse over his behavior and promises to change. The batterer is charming and may offer gifts such as

THE CYCLE OF ABUSE

ABUSE

PLANNING

SETUP

The abuser will create and control situations in which the victim has no choice but to react in a way that will, in the abuser's mind, justify the abuse.

When the time and the planned circumstances are right, the abuser begins the abuse. The attack is a display of power and control over his victim, and by extension, everyone else in the household. After the abuse, the abuser may have feelings of guilt, but not true repentance because no change occurs. The motive is usually fear of getting caught or losing his partner.

GUILT

The abuser begins scanning or thinking of reasons to commit the next attack. His negative self-talk leads him into planning what he must do or what must happen in order for the situation to be set up for the next abusive act.

POWER AND CONTROL

The abuser begins building his case about past and future abuse. To help justify the next attack, the abuser starts to use excuses and negative self-talk he made in the rationalization stage.

The abuser quickly moves to telling himself and the victim that the one really at fault for the abuse is the victim. He justifies his behavior, which gives him permission to continue it. Between incidents of abuse, the abuser often behaves normally or especially well. He may act as if nothing has happened. Typically the victim is forced to participate in the cover-up. Things are not normal because the victim knows she can't talk about certain subjects.

RATIONALIZE NORMAL

Write down what your thoughts, feelings, and actions are in each phase of the abuse cycle. Use the notes space if needed.

THE CYCLE OF ABUSE

ABUSE

PLANNING

SETUP

GUILT

CASE BUILDING

RATIONALIZE NORMAL

VIOLENCE IS ANY ACT THAT VIOLATES ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

In addition to knowing the different types of disordered people who abuse, here is a list of terms you may find helpful as you pursue recovery; it is intended to give you the vocabulary needed to understand what has happened to you:

GASLIGHTING: When the abuser tries to change the facts of events or conversations to get the victim to doubt her perceptions and memory.

FOG: The use of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt by the abuser to get his way.

HOOVERING: Named after the vacuum, this describes how the victim gets sucked back into a relationship with an abuser when he temporarily exhibits better behavior, or initiates contact through texts or calls.

FLYING MONKEYS: Those around the abuser who believe him and help him spread ugly falsehoods about his victim.

SMEAR CAMPAIGN: Used by the abuser and flying monkeys, this consists of lies and gossip about the victim.

SPLITTING: The practice of seeing someone as entirely good or entirely bad.

TRIANGULATION: Gaining an advantage over others by manipulating them into conflict with each other.

SCAPEGOATING: Giving a disproportionate amount of unmerited blame or negative treatment to one in a family or group.

PUSH-PULL: A pattern of sabotaging and then reestablishing intimacy in a relationship without reason.

PROJECTION: The act of attributing one’s own feelings onto another and imagining the other person has those feelings or traits.

LOVE BOMBING: A toxic person floods the target’s world with affection and signs of love. Usually happens early on and can also be a tool used to HOOVER a victim back after a blow-up.

BAITING: An aggressive, provocative act designed to solicit an angry response on purpose.

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL: A series of threats and punishments used to control another.

NO CONTACT: When a survivor ceases any and all contact with the abuser.

CHAPTER 3

TOXIC SHAME AND SELF-ESTEEM

TOXIC SHAME is a very real problem for women. We are shamed both through cultural expectations and through our own often-perfectionistic standards for ourselves.

SHAME is how you feel when you do something bad. Toxic shame is what you feel when you believe that you are bad or defective. Brene Brown, author of I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t), defines it this way: “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”

In Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw says that shame is hidden behind coping mechanisms such as perfectionism, control, blame, criticism, caregiving, contempt, etc. In effect, someone employing those mechanisms is trying to portray herself as shame-less, while simultaneously feeling very, very bad about herself as a person.

CONTROL is at the heart of all these coping mechanisms. When I care-give, I try to control my feelings of inadequacy by taking care of another. When I blame or criticize, I try to shift the focus off my sense of unworthiness onto another. When I demand perfection from myself, my house, and my family, I am in effect trying to control how you see me, and disguise my humanity behind a shiny veneer.

Bradshaw states that a sense of powerlessness and helplessness are hallmarks of TOXIC SHAME . A person whose image is bound in toxic shame feels flawed and less-than, and terrified that someone else will see her for who she imagines herself to be.

PERVASIVE FEAR, LOW SELF-ESTEEM, AND A FEELING OF HOPELESSNESS

are indications of this mindset. Covering up the shame becomes more daunting than the shame itself; it is a never-ending cycle of fear and failure.

Abusers sow shame any way they can. It can be overt or very subtle, and shame from the abuse grows due to the fact that it happens in secret, we often endure it in silence, and we often judge ourselves for “having deserved it” or for not leaving. Abusers often focus on a particular body feature or a talent you have and use their words to erode your confidence regarding that aspect of yourself. Often the fact that you are a domestic abuse survivor becomes steeped in shame and something you feel you must hide. Especially when you hear questions like, “How did you not see?” “How did someone so smart get involved with someone like that?” “Why did you stay?” These kinds of questions are shaming and also victim-blaming. Instead of focusing on the strength we displayed in leaving our abuser, focusing on these kinds of questions makes us feel we must hide or minimize the abuse we suffered, as if we share some of the blame.

Brown states that we cannot become resistant to shame, but through careful practice, we can develop what she calls SHAME RESILIENCE . Women who have higher levels of shame resilience recognize and understand their shame triggers; practice critical awareness, which allows them to “demystify, contextualize, and normalize” a shame experience; and reach out to others both when we experience shame and when others in our sphere of influence experience shame. Cultivating empathy and compassion will give women useful tools in combatting the effects of shame.

If you believe that you are not as smart, as pretty, or as good as other people, what thoughts go through your head when meeting someone new? When entering a room full of people? When starting a new job?

WHAT LIE DO YOU BELIEVE ABOUT YOURSELF?

HOW HAS THIS LIE INFORMED YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT YOURSELF?

YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE?

YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?

The flip side to the grip that toxic shame has on women is in enhancing self-esteem. Brown states that shame and selfesteem are very different. She says in I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t), “We feel shame. We think self-esteem. Our selfesteem is based on how we see ourselves—our strengths and limitations—over time. It is how and what we think of ourselves. Shame is an emotion. It is how we feel when we have certain experiences. When we are in shame, we don’t see the big picture; we don’t accurately think about our strengths and limitations.”

SELF-ESTEEM IS HOW YOU VIEW YOUR VALUE TO YOURSELF AND TO OTHERS.

Its foundation begins in childhood. If your parents struggled with their own self-esteem, they may not have known how to help you build your own healthy one. If there was abuse in childhood, the chances are greater that you will suffer from self-esteem issues.

SIGNS THAT YOU MAY HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM INCLUDE BUT AREN’T LIMITED TO:

• Fear of new challenges

• Social anxiety

• Isolation

• Negative self-talk

• Fear about the future

• Fear of being alone

• Afraid of risks or new things

• Procrastination

• Difficulty in starting tasks

Being in an abusive relationship can be very destructive to selfesteem. If someone you love does not respect you and seems impervious to the hurt they cause you, you may begin to wonder if you simply aren’t worthy of respect or concern. Recovering your self-esteem while remaining in the relationship is very, very difficult. You will always be trying to heal from the last abusive treatment; the damage will be ongoing. Sometimes the best you can hope for is to minimize the damage.

THIS IS HARD TO HEAR.

Self-esteem issues are also a product of our society. As Brown states in I Thought It was Just Me (But It Isn’t), magazine and television advertising urges us to layer expectations upon ourselves and other women which aren’t realistic or obtainable.

WE ARE URGED TO:

• Be thin, but don’t be weight-obsessed.

• Be perfect, but don’t make a fuss about your looks and don’t take time away from anything like your family or your partner or your work to achieve your perfection. Just quietly make it happen in the background so you look great and we don’t have to hear about it.

• Just be yourself – there’s nothing sexier than self-confidence (as long as you are young, thin, beautiful . . .).

Connection with others can go a long way toward helping you to develop recognition of and resistance to shame and low selfesteem. Finding even one person who is accepting and who you can trust with your feelings of shame, guilt, and worthlessness can be difficult for someone with low self-esteem. But a healthy sense of identity is rooted in connection with trusted others.

Twelve-step groups are very successful at fostering a sense of community and acceptance, and at exposing toxic shame as the root of addiction. AA was formed by two people who were willing to come out of hiding and trust first each other, then others, with their painful secrets and inability to stop drinking. To heal our self-esteem issues, we have to risk the same. There are a variety of 12-step groups which can serve to help you recover your self-worth, including some which deal with issues other than substance abuse. Online support groups can be a temporary solution.

If you have isolated yourself over the years of the abuse, finding a trusted friend can be difficult, and you may not yet see a way that a 12-step group could address your situation. Other options include developing a relationship with a therapist, or speaking with a trusted minister. First of all, you must develop a sense of trust that your secrets are not going to be judged before you divulge them. This may necessitate several visits to establish that connection.

YOUR TURN

LIST FIVE THINGS YOU LOVE ABOUT YOURSELF.

How long did it take you to come up with five? Even though you may have had difficulty coming up with five, you can be sure that God could name hundreds of things he loves about you in an instant. When he formed you in your mother’s womb, he fashioned you in his perfect image. That image is still inside you. Striving for perfection is harmful, but striving to recover our spiritual connection to God and his image inside us, which is usually damaged or destroyed by abuse, is incredibly healing.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13 16

SELF-CARE MUST NOW BE A PRIORITY FOR YOU.

GIVING YOURSELF GRACE TO MAKE MISTAKES, TO REST, OR TO REFUSE TO DO A FAVOR IS NOT SELFISH. IT IS NECESSARY FOR YOUR RECOVERY.

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with Joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

Psalm 34:4 7

CHAPTER 4

THE GRIP OF

THE PAST ON YOUR PRESENT

If you had obvious chaos in your childhood home as evidenced by abuse or perhaps a parent who was an addict, you probably already recognize your need for inner child work. But if your childhood was generally happy and there were no obvious signs of dysfunction, you may not realize the need to carefully and thoroughly explore all the losses you may have suffered and do grief work. The losses you suffered – and they can be any kind of losses, not limited to a loved one’s death – must

be ACKNOWLEDGED, WORKED THROUGH, AND GRIEVED ,

or they will remain unresolved. They will continue to have power over you and keep you from recovering.

Our parents are our first and most important resources for building a healthy foundation. Parents who struggle with shame, their own childhood abuse, substance abuse, or other fundamental losses they have not successfully resolved will have issues in parenting their own children. It can feel disloyal and simplistic to look to your parents and realize that their actions laid a foundation for difficulties you’ve had in your life. But remember that they undoubtedly parented you as they themselves were parented. Coming to terms with things that negatively affected you as a child is healthy and necessary for change.

SOME EXAMPLES OF CHILDHOOD LOSSES INCLUDE:

• Moves, either yours or a friend’s

• Loss of a pet

• Loss of a loved one

• Major illness

• Change in financial circumstances

• Parental neglect

• Parental abuse

• Parents’ divorce

• Trauma, like a home invasion

• Trauma, like a parent having an affair

• Having a physical difference from peers

• Real or perceived sense of insecurity, not feeling safe

Inner child work should probably not be done alone, at least at first. Uncovering the sources of SHAME, GRIEF, AND LOSS can be very wounding. Working through it with a good therapist is wise, or you can connect with a group working a 12-step program such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (which has now been broadened to include ADULT CHILDREN OF DYSFUNCTIONAL CHILDHOODS). After some insight and acceptance has occurred, recovery work can continue through use of books such as John Bradshaw’s Homecoming or his Bradshaw on: The Family. He also has a YouTube series titled Homecoming.

YOU REPEAT PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR FROM THE PAST BECAUSE YOU HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS THAT NEEDS TO BE RESOLVED.

If you were abused, neglected, or abandoned as a child, and those terrible wounds were not validated and you did not grieve them properly, you will keep trying to “GET IT RIGHT” by attracting significant others or friends whose personalities resemble the person who wounded you. If you were verbally, physically, and/or emotionally abused as a child, you may not believe you deserve better treatment. You are attracted to what is familiar to you, what feels like “home.” If you were neglected or abandoned, there is a good possibility that you will be attracted to those who are unavailable emotionally, who can’t be emotionally intimate.

Successful inner child work helps you identify your losses, feel them, validate their hurt and how they affected you, and finally put them behind you.

// YOUR TURN //

Make a list of bad traits and characteristics of your father on the left, and a list of good traits and characteristics on the right.

Do the same with your mother, and with anyone you were abused by, including PHYSICAL, SEXUAL, EMOTIONAL, VERBAL, OR SPIRITUAL ABUSE, AND/OR NEGLECT AND ABANDONMENT as a child.

After completion, do the same for any abusive relationships you’ve been in since you became an adult.

ARE THERE ANY SIMILARITIES IN THE LISTS OF CHILDHOOD AND ADULT RELATIONSHIPS?

COPING MECHANISMS

Coping mechanisms are the tools you use to keep the wounds of the past from being felt and heard.

They include but aren’t limited to: DENIAL MINIMIZING AVOIDANCE DISSOCIATION IDEALIZATION PROJECTION

REPRESSION SELF-HARM WITHDRAWAL ISOLATION PLACATING

We learn coping mechanisms in our dysfunctional childhoods. If your father was a bully and tyrant, there is a good chance you learned to DENY that he hurt your feelings, MINIMIZE how badly you were hurt, and PLACATE him to keep him happy. This might have been a good survival strategy when you were small, but you have outgrown its usefulness and the same coping mechanisms are now harmful to you. They cause you to stay in abusive and neglectful relationships, because those coping mechanisms are now part of who you are.

If your significant other hits you, and you say, “He didn’t really mean to hit me,” that’s DENIAL. Yes, he did. If you further say, “It didn’t hurt that bad, and you can’t even see the bruise,” that’s MINIMIZING

If you find yourself WITHDRAWING from others’ company more and more because you feel that no one understands what you are going through, and you are afraid someone might find out about the abuse, that’s ISOLATING.

ANGER AND GRIEF

As a survivor of abuse, you have suffered many losses. As you explored your need for healing past wounds, you may have uncovered many other losses – some you may not even have realized were there – which are unresolved.

LOSSES WHICH ARE NOT GRIEVED AND ARE UNRESOLVED OFTEN BECOME A BURDEN THAT WE CARRY WITH US THROUGH OUR LIVES, WEIGHING US DOWN AND FURTHER STRAINING OUR ABILITY TO COPE WITH EVERYDAY LIVING.

To successfully resolve a loss and move forward, it must first be recognized as something deserving to be grieved. You must recognize the loss, think through the different ways the loss impacted you, mourn for those small and large hurts, and then grieve the loss itself.

An example of how that looks might be in thinking through what happened if you experienced a move during your childhood. A move in childhood is a big loss, and the older you were when it happened, the bigger the loss became. It represents the loss of your home, the sense of security you had there, the familiarity of your surroundings, and even the sense of identity you may have gotten from being the “girl in the corner house” or the “girl

with the giant tree in the yard.” Some of those are small losses, some are bigger; all deserve to be grieved. There are many ways such a move would have impacted you. Loss of your room, loss of friends, loss of church, community, and school, loss of your favorite store, etc. Each one of these things impacted you in large and small ways. Everything that was a negative impact from the childhood move should be recognized, acknowledged, grieved, and let go; then you have a better idea of just how big of a loss the move actually was.

When you feel sad or hurt about something, sometimes these feelings will also trigger ANGER. Becoming aware of and expressing anger is a major part of the grieving process. Anger is often a frightening emotion, particularly for those who have grown up in troubled families or who have been abused by angry men. Acknowledging and expressing it – or other emotions – might have been discouraged or even dangerous.

Repressing your anger over mistreatment adds to the burden you carry from unresolved loss; the baggage weighing you down gets heavier and heavier. Getting in touch with your grief and your anger is vital to restoring what abuse and neglect took away from you. The first step is to recognize those losses and those angry thoughts and, without judgment, feel the feelings those losses and thoughts bring to your mind.

"Be angry, and yet do not sin;" don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.

Ephesians 4:26

// YOUR TURN //

1. List five losses from childhood and the impacts each one had on you.

2. Then list five losses you experienced from abuse, and the impacts each had on you.

"God blesses those who grieve. They will find comfort!"

‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑

Matthew 5:4

CHAPTER 5

ABUSERS AND CHANGE, COUPLES COUNSELING

There is a lot of research about the possibility of change in abusers. Some of the best work was done by Lundy Bancroft, who, in addition to having written the book mentioned previously, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, is also a workshop leader and consultant on domestic abuse.

Bancroft proposes this checklist for

ASSESSING CHANGE IN ABUSIVE MEN :

• Admitting fully to what he has done

• Stopping excuses

• Stopping all blaming of her

• Making amends

• Accepting responsibility (recognizing that abuse is a choice)

• Identifying patterns of controlling behavior, admitting their wrongness

• Identifying the attitudes that drive his abuse

• Accepting that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process, not declaring himself cured

• Not starting to say, “So now it’s your turn to do your work,” not using change as a bargaining chip

• Not demanding credit for improvements he has made

• Not treating improvements as chips or vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (e.g. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so why are you making such a big deal about it?”)

• Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors

• Carrying his weight

• Sharing power

• Changing how he is in highly heated conflicts

• Changing how he responds to his partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances

• Changing his parenting

• Changing his treatment of her as a parent

• Changing his attitudes towards females in general

• Accepting the consequences of his actions (including not feeling sorry for himself about those consequences, and not blaming her or the children for them)

Bancroft further states, “And women struggle a lot with the question, 'Well, does he mean it when he says he’s sorry? I have trouble telling. He’s apologizing, but I have trouble telling whether he’s sincere or not — whether he really means it.' It doesn’t make any difference. This is what I’m eager for women in these kinds of relationships to understand. It’s not even worth putting a bunch of energy into trying to figure out if he means the apology or not. Because the real sincere apology and the fake apology are worth the same amount. They both go to the same place — they both go nowhere. The only thing that matters is does he get down to doing the work.

“Unfortunately most abusive guys don’t really get down to doing the real work. There has to be a whole bunch of action over a substantial period of time that backs up the words. . . . It only matters if he gets consistent about it. For an abuser to have sort of a period when he’s really generous and really focused on doing things for her is no different than how he always is. Like I’m sure at the beginning of the relationship he went through a period when he was super focused on doing things for her. I mean all abusers have these phases when they’re doing things for her. And it doesn’t mean anything.”

“To say that abusers cannot change removes responsibility for sin. They can change, but the vast majority choose not to, which is what the experts state. Abusers have options for treatment and are accountable.”

https://cryingoutforjustice.blog

Once the marriage covenant is broken through abuse, the abused partner does not necessarily need to stay in the marriage waiting for the abuser to change, but should through much PRAYER and COUNSELING decide whether it is safe—emotionally as well as physically—to do so. The abuser's recovery is a separate issue and his change is his own responsibility, not his wife's. Churches have struggled with oversentimentalizing marriage and adhering to a legalistic approach to abuse. More about this later.

Patricia Evans, who pioneered the term

VERBAL ABUSE

, theorizes that abusers often have a very ill-defined sense of self. When an abuser forms an intimate relationship with his victim, he often over-identifies with her to the degree that he sees her as an extension of himself. When she dares to express a different view or opinion, he feels betrayed and attacked.

WHY COUPLES COUNSELING DOES NOT WORK WHEN THERE IS ABUSE

Well-meaning friends and church family may urge you to go to couples counseling. Generally speaking, couples counseling does not work because ABUSE IS NOT A COUPLES

ISSUE. It is the abuser’s issue and his alone. Until his abusive behavior has ended because he has done years of work on transforming his beliefs, his entitlement issues, and his attitude towards you as his partner, THERE IS NO COUPLE

TO COUNSEL.

He needs to work on his issues with his own counselor, and you need to work on healing not only from the abuse you’ve suffered, but also the wounds that brought you into the relationship. Your most important job as you pursue healing from abuse is recovering the spiritual connection with God and with others that abuse typically shatters.

Couples therapy is designed to help with issues that are truly mutual. Abuse is not a mutual issue. An abuser in couples therapy will find that instead of having his very egregious behavior laid on his shoulders alone, it is expected to be shared by both parties. It sends the message that an abused woman is partly responsible for his abuse. That message will likely make you feel even more abused. Plus, do you really want to suffer the drive home from the therapist’s office with the very abuser you just accused there? How is the dynamic in your home going to be after a session where you tell the therapist what your abuser called you and how he bullied you?

Your job as you decide whether or not to see if the abuser can change is to make some very important changes in yourself. As

stated previously, you are probably going to need some help, at least in the beginning. A good counselor, a 12-step group, or an accountability partner will be very helpful.

Since abuse violates boundaries in the most brutal and hurtful way, you will need to learn to make

GOOD, HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

that you can keep. Simply put, boundaries are GUIDELINES or LIMITS that a person defines in order to keep herself safe. They are a list of ways you want to be treated. Boundaries must be enforced, so there must also be a set of consequences for those who don’t respect your boundaries.

You may have had reasonable limits and concepts of what you would and wouldn’t tolerate when you went into a relationship, but found that the longer it went along, the more you pushed those boundaries back. You not only began to tolerate bad behavior, but you began to convince yourself that it was normal.

Lies you believe about yourself may have a great deal to do with your ability to articulate, set, and maintain boundaries. If the lie you believe about yourself is that you are in some way a mistake and unworthy, then the things you find acceptable are going to be skewed by that belief. You will tolerate things according to what your normal is.

THE CHURCH’S RESPONSE TO ABUSE

The website A Cry For Justice ( https://cryingoutforjustice.blog ) is an excellent resource for Christians who are being sinshamed for leaving their abuser. An abuser breaks the marriage covenant long before the abused victim entertains the notion of leaving. Marriage is not a covenant without conditions. This is not to say that leaving an abusive marriage is the right thing to do, it’s just to say that adultery is not the only “biblical” reason for divorce.

ACFJ defines an abuser as a reviler, as one who falsely accuses, maligns, wrongly curses, or makes an innocent person the villain when it’s actually the other way around. Revilers are renounced more than once in scriptures. ACFJ states, “Now, let me tell you the mistake that genuine Christians often make when they are not yet wise about the reviler. When they are reviled, they accept the guilt, wear the blame, or at minimum they assume that a Christian is to be humble when falsely accused. And sometimes that is the course we are to take. But not when dealing with a reviler.”

Christian counselor Leslie Vernick has several YouTube videos and resources on her website, leslievernick.com. Shannon Thomas of Southlake Christian Counseling is another excellent resource for Christian women struggling in an abusive relationship, as is Elisabeth Klein, who can be found on Facebook or at elisabethklein.com.

What about Malachi 2:16, where God states that he hates divorce? In the patriarchal society that existed when scriptures were written, a man could divorce his wife for no reason, or for any reason. This ensured her death, since a divorced woman had no rights under the law. She

could not work and she could not remarry. He in effect deserted her, because he hated her.

ACFJ states that the scripture was actually mistranslated. The original Hebrew stated that the “he” who hates is the man who unjustly divorces his wife, also known as putting away his wife. The King James Version had “For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away.” Many subsequent translations switched the third person “he” to a first person “I” without any grammatical warrant. For example, the 1984 NIV stated, “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel. It’s possible translators thought the switch was okay because it retained the sense of the KJV — that God feels the hatred [for divorce]. They did not seem to worry that “I hate divorce” was grammatically inaccurate to the original Hebrew.

Christian author and blogger Joseph Pote says, "The Bible never labels divorce as sin, nor does it contain any commandments prohibiting a just divorce. On the contrary, the law given to Moses not only makes specific provision for divorce, but also ensures that the divorce is to be handled in a manner that is

just, that neither party remains under obligation to the other, and each is free to marry another (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Where, in all of scripture, has God ever said that sin is permissible? If God said that divorce is permissible, and even gave instruction on how to go about it in a godly manner, then it is not sin!

Why then, under Grace, would we presume to impose legalistic rules that are more restrictive than the Old Testament Law? Many people claim that Jesus, in Matthew 19:3-9, denounced divorce, thereby overriding the law given to Moses. On the contrary, not once in this passage did Jesus say that divorce is sin, nor that the law given to Moses was erroneous in permitting divorce. Jesus, in fact, defended the law given to Moses, stating that it was necessary to make provision for divorce because of hardened hearts... the heart of one partner being hardened against their spouse in unrepentant violation of their marriage vows. In fact, Jesus included a specific example (immorality) when divorce is not only acceptable but expected."

For more from ACFJ, see: https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/2013/10/24/god-hates-divorce-not-always/

Power and control are at the heart of every person; it is the human condition. From the time a baby is born, s/he lets it be known when something isn’t to his/her liking. The shrill cry of a baby is a sound that is so unnerving, adults want it to stop and will do what it takes to make that happen. In a good home, that means the child will be comfortable, fed, clothed, sheltered and loved.

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER NEEDS ALL BABIES HAVE?

As we grow and develop, we find we have those same needs and more! There was an experiment to determine what would happen if a mother expressed no interest in her infant. As the mother engaged the infant, the infant instantaneously responded. Once the mother changed the expression of her face to that of indifference, the infant still tried to engage the mother.

When the infant realized the mother was unaffected by the attempt to engage her, the infant became despondent, sullen, whimpered and drooled, and even at times withdrew by drawing its legs up to its chest. We are not that different! When we enter a room without being acknowledged, we become anxious, and try to engage those in the room or remain an observer.

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER NEEDS ADULTS HAVE?

There is frustration of power and control when our needs are denied or ignored. It’s like someone is stepping on our air hose. Deprived of oxygen, we become desperate.

WE ATTEMPT TO GET THESE NEEDS MET THROUGH SOME PRETTY CREATIVE MEANS.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THOSE?

One way we try to create community is through social media. We present our best selves or our most ridiculous selves to gain attention. We want desperately to be known. There is a technique called Johari’s Window which gets to the heart of our attempts to present ourselves in a strategic way.

There are four domains:

• The things about you that you don’t mind others knowing

• The things that others know about you and you are unaware of

• The things you don’t want others to know about you

• The things that are yet to be known about you

In each of the quadrants below, write what you know about yourself or what others have told you about yourself.

One way to get to the information in your blind spot (which is not all negative stuff) is to ask trusted others:

“WHAT IS IT LIKE TO BE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF ME?”

I asked my children this, and only one was brave enough to share with me! It was enlightening and hard, but helpful.

FACEBOOK

THE WAY OF BEING

BEHAVIORS

What I might be doing, saying, thinking, or feeling...

Apologizing

Helping

Not gossiping

Not withholding information

Not lashing out

Not apologizing

Not helping

Gossiping

Withholding information

Lashing out

WAY OF BEING BELOW THE SURFACE

How I am seeing others How I am seeing myself

HEART AT PEACE

(I-YOU)

• See others as PEOPLE

• Hopes, needs, cares, and fears are as real to me as my own

HEART AT WAR

(I-IT)

• See others as OBJECTS

• Obstacles

• Vehicles

• Irrelevancies

WHAT DOES LOVE REQUIRE?

There is something deeper than our behaviors going on here. Something philosophers call our “way of being,” or our regard for others. The philosopher Martin Buber concluded that at all times, no matter what we might be doing, we are always in the world with either an “I-You” or an “I-It” way.

EITHER WE ARE SEEING OURSELVES AND OTHERS AS OBJECTS, OR WE ARE SEEING THEM AS PEOPLE.

When presented with a choice, we can either honor our sense to help, or we can betray it and choose not to help. Which is to say that we don’t always do what we know to be the loving thing to do, do we?

When we choose to act contrary to our own sense of what is appropriate, we commit an act of self-betrayal. Acts of selfbetrayal are common, but when we dig deeper, we realize that a choice to betray ourselves is a choice to go to war. We are either perceiving ourselves and others as objects with distinct markings, or we are experiencing them as sacred/valuable spiritual beings.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

HOW DOES GOD SEE ME?

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

Romans 12:3

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

John 13:34 35

IS WHAT I AM DOING OR NOT DOING IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE OTHER PERSON?

// YOUR TURN //

THE DECIDING FACTOR

THE MESSAGE

Recall the most hurtful thing anyone has said to or implied about you. This can be non-verbal, a message communicated without words. Write down the message.

THE LIE

What lie did you believe about yourself in relation to others and the world? How did that message affect the way you see yourself? Write down the lie.

THE VOW

What inner vow did you make to counter the lie or embrace the lie? Write down the vow.

THE VALUE

How does this affect the way you see your self-worth in your heart, even though you know better? (i.e., “I feel very worthless, insignificant, invisible) Write the value.

MY SELF DISCLOSURE

THE TRIGGERS

What triggers a reaction in you, regarding the lie? Write down the triggers.

Life reinforces the lies we entertain in our hearts. It’s like acid reflux. It keeps coming up. We experience “heartburn,” a long-lasting condition that is difficult to get rid of. It isn’t until we, through divine intervention, can see the truth about ourselves, that we can truly overcome the “heartburn.”

TENT CITY

A community of 300 people set up makeshift shelters under the interchange of I-45 and 175 in southeast Dallas. It has since been evacuated, but the area was covered with leanto shelters of aluminum siding, blankets, tents, and boxes; anything that would shield them from the elements and provide personal space for their belongings. An epidemic ran rampant throughout the community. The “box-dwellers” suffered from a foot fungus. Upon investigation, the health department found that the dwellers kept their shoes on rain or shine, day and night. They lived in fear of someone stealing their shoes . . . so they kept them on their feet, where the fungus found a perfect environment to grow.

We are not so different from them. We construct boxes of distorted realities to maintain whatever dignity we feel we have left. We keep our shoes on, gather our personal belongings and dare not let anyone know that we are “box-dwellers.” Our hearts are at war. We construct a distorted, makeshift reality that serves to justify our view of ourselves, others, and the world.

We have suffered a loss of curiosity and interest in others, due to an innate need to maintain our sense of Self.

A HEART AT WAR

THE BOXES

These are four constructs of distorted realities. Which of these boxes feels like “home?”

THE BETTER-THAN BOX THE I-DESERVE BOX

VIEW OF MYSELF Superior Important Virtuous/Right

VIEW OF OTHERS

Inferior/Incapable Irrelevant False/Wrong

VIEW OF MYSELF Meritorious Mistreated/Victim Unappreciated

VIEW OF OTHERS Mistaken Mistreating Ungrateful

FEELINGS

Impatient

Disdainful Indifferent

VIEW OF WORLD Competitive Troubled Needs me

FEELINGS Entitled Deprived Resentful

VIEW OF WORLD Unfair Unjust Owes me

THE MUST-BE-SEEN-AS BOX THE WORSE-THAN BOX

VIEW OF MYSELF

Needs to be well thought of Fake

VIEW OF OTHERS Judgemental Threatening My audience

FEELINGS

Anxious/Afraid

Needy/Stressed

Overwhelmed

VIEW OF WORLD Dangerous Watching Judging me

VIEW OF MYSELF Not as good Broken Fated FEELINGS Helpless Jealous/Bitter Depressed

VIEW OF OTHERS Advantaged Privileged Blessed

VIEW OF WORLD Hard/Difficult Against me Ignoring me

THE CHANGE PYRAMID

This pyramid suggests that we should spend much more time and effort helping things go right rather than dealing with things that are going wrong. Unfortunately, however, these allocations of time and effort are typically reversed. We spend most of our time with others dealing with things that are going wrong. We try fixing our children, changing our spouses, correcting and disciplining those who aren’t acting as we’d like. And when we’re not actually doing these things, we’re thinking or worrying about doing them.

What a waste of time and energy!

DEALING WITH THINGS THAT ARE GOING WRONG

HELPING THINGS GO RIGHT

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Luke 6:41 42

THE DEEPEST WAY IN WHICH WE ARE RIGHT OR WRONG IS IN OUR WAY OF BEING TOWARD OTHERS.

I CAN BE RIGHT ON THE SURFACE, IN MY BEHAVIOR OR POSITION WHILE BEING ENTIRELY MISTAKEN BENEATH IN MY WAY OF BEING.

COLLUSION :

A CONFLICT WHERE THE PARTIES ARE INVITING THE VERY THINGS THEY’RE FIGHTING AGAINST.

When we label people, we move them from others to objects. What box are you furnishing with your spouse, child, group member, co-worker?

Recent news of a young woman who was kept in a box under a bed for seven years revealed she was confined to a constricted space to serve the purpose of her captors. Who are you confining into a constricted space that discourages an “I-You” relationship? How do you justify operating from within your box?

He also told them this parable: “Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into a pit? The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher.” Luke 6:39 40

HOW ARE YOU TEACHING OTHERS TO RELATE TO YOU?

MOM

WHAT I DO

Discipline harshly

Criticize

Hover over shoulder

WHAT I SEE

Irresponsible

Troublemaker

Disrespectful

DAUGHTER

WHAT SHE SEES

Dictatorial

Unloving

Nosy

WHAT SHE DOES

Gets home late

Talks back

Stomps off

INVITING PEACE

You cannot invite an “I-YOU” relationship from a box! As long as you are operating from a box, your view of yourself, others, and the world insists on an “I-It” view. Until we identify our box, reveal the lie that started the construction of distorted reality, and address our vow, we will be stuck in how we relate to ourselves, others, and the world.

JESUS LIVED OUT OF THE BOX

• Imagine Jesus in the Worse-Than Box

• Imagine Jesus in the Must-Be-Seen-As Box

• Imagine Jesus in the I-Deserve Box

• Imagine Jesus in the Better-Than Box

STRESS EXACERBATES OUR PREFERENCE TO LIVE IN THE BOX.

Jesus’ most stress-filled moments were in the garden, before His accusers and Calvary. At a pivotal moment He looked from His vantage point on the cross at the “Better Thans,” the “I Deserves,” those who “Must Be Seen As,” and the “Worse Thans” and said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Notice that He did not say, “I forgive you;” rather, He asked His Father to forgive them. Some wounds are so convoluted that only The Father can address all the wounds, lies, vows, and exchanges that followed. Ask The Father to forgive your oppressors. Be still in this moment. It was something, but you have made it a way of life. Let it go. Give it to The Father, the only one who can truly forgive.

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Luke 6:37 38

…AS YOU DO TO OTHERS SO THEY USUALLY DO TO YOU.

INVITING CHANGE

Jesus invited peace and radical change. We can use His way of relating to others by following the levels of change. First Jesus lived out of the box, seeing others as people with hopes, dreams and disappointments.

Jesus stayed in close relationship with His Father to the death. He moved in community with twelve hand-picked friends. He spent time with them, eating, laughing, sleeping, walking alongside. Jesus came and dwelt among us. He loved us. He listened to us. He watched how we lived and taught with that in mind. He kept His lessons simple and relatable.

The pyramid invites us to think deeper. Before correcting the problem, teach and communicate. Before you teach and communicate, listen and learn. Before you listen and learn, build the relationship. Before you build the relationship, build relationships with others who can influence change. Before you build relationships with others who can influence change...

GET OUT OF THE BOX.

Maintain a Heart AT Peace (with yourself).

The deepest way in which we are right or wrong is in our way of being toward others. I can be right on the surface – in my behavior or positions – while being entirely mistaken beneath, in my way of being. A list of laws, rules, tips, techniques, and strategies does not transform the heart.

LEVELS OF CHANGE

LESSONS FROM THE PYRAMID LESSON 1

Most time and effort should be spent at the lower levels of the pyramid.

LESSON 2

The solution to a problem at one level of the pyramid is always below that level of the pyramid.

(Ex: Problem - not listening. Solution - build the relationship.)

LESSON 3

Ultimately, my effectiveness at each level of the pyramid depends on the deepest level of the pyramid – my way of being. Adapted fromAnatomyof Peace, 2006

DEALING WITH THINGS THAT ARE GOING WRONG

BUILD RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS WHO HAVE INFLUENCE GET OUT OF THE BOX

OBTAIN A HEART AT PEACE

HELPING THINGS GO

LIVING IN FREEDOM

// YOUR TURN //

1. Look for the signs of the box (blame, justification, horribilization, common box styles, etc.) Admit you are in a box.

2. Find an out-of-the-box place (relationships, memories, activities, places, etc.). Identify times when you operated in a similar situation out-of-the box.

3. Ponder the situation anew from this out-of-the-box perspective. Use your new way of being.

ASK:

• What are the challenges, trials, burdens, and/or pains of those in the situation?

• How am I a part of or adding to these things?

• In what ways are my boxes obscuring the truth about myself, others and the world, and interfering with potential solutions?

• What am I feeling I should do for the other?

• What could I do to help? What does love require?

4. Act upon what I have discovered; do what I am sensing I should do.

If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, to them it is sin.

James 4:17

Go back to the lie. Who was the messenger? Look on them with compassion. We don’t know their back story. We don’t know what box they were operating out of to maintain whatever dignity they had left. Ask The Father to forgive them. See Jesus reinstate your identity as a child of the Most High God in your heart.

Unforgiveness paralyzes the heart so that it cannot love freely. The offense was SOMETHING, but it is NOTHING. Jesus gave us a 360 degree view of the Son of Man. He didn’t hang onto any dignity to preserve His divine image. Paul said:

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to His own advantage; rather, He made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!

Philippians 2:5 8

So, am I just at the mercy of others and their way of relating to self, others, and the world? Do I dare get out of my box? What if someone steals my shoes? What about the fury of the Enemy?

Here’s a side note: The fury was God’s, not Satan’s. God determined the need for a blood sacrifice. He did not negotiate a deal with Satan; on the contrary, He knew exactly what He was doing and He did it OUT OF THE BOX.

GOD IS NOT AT WAR WITH YOU.

“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.”

John 3:17

When I choose to act contrary to my own sense of what is appropriate, I commit an act of self-betrayal. It is a betrayal of my own sense of the right way to act in a given moment in time, not someone else’s sense or standard, but what I myself know is right in the moment.

Otherwise, I create a need to see others accusingly, a need that causes me to see other than truth and solutions, and a need that invites others to do the same in response.

-

Anatomy of Peace, 2006

WE JUSTIFY OUR RIGHT TO CHOOSE WAR OVER PEACE. WE FEEL THAT RIGHT BY DEMONIZING THE OTHER PERSON. AREN’T YOU TIRED OF LIVING IN YOUR BOX?

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28 30

Jesus reaches His hand into the darkness of your box and offers freedom. Take His hand. Step outside your box. He stoops before you to unlace your shoes and soak your fungusriddled feet in clean refreshing water. After drying your feet with a soft towel He kisses them and invites you to come follow Him. He knows that from a Heart AT Peace with self, others, and the world, you have freedom. . . .

OUT OF THE BOX YOU HAVE…

Freedom to speak, freedom to have an opinion, freedom to disagree, freedom to say, “no,” freedom to say, “stop,” freedom to make a decision, freedom to engage, freedom to withdraw, freedom to be silent, freedom to leave, freedom to participate, freedom to dream, freedom to restrain, freedom to indulge, freedom to be, freedom to do nothing, freedom to want more.

How do I know this? I just described the way Jesus lived life among us. He was not confined to a box, neither did He die to confine us to a box.

The Bible says:

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”

Matthew 4:19

“If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” ‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑

John 8:31

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1

LIVE, LOVE, AND LEAD OUT OF

THE BOX!

Southwest Airlines had a slogan that is fitting:

“YOU ARE NOW FREE TO MOVE ABOUT THE COUNTRY.”

Life will continue to offer opportunities for us to activate the assumed lies, vows, and values. If we insist on living in our box, our house of cards will eventually collapse.

However, if we build our house on The Rock then, no matter what challenges we face, we can stand firm . . . OUT of the Box.

(Luke 6:46-49)

The house built on The Rock stands. You can fly as high as you want to, as long as you are firmly grounded!

The Word of our God will stand forever. Isaiah 40:8

THE PERFECT BOX IS NO BOX AT ALL!

Matthew 5:14 reminds us that WE are the light of the world and a city on a hill cannot be hidden. I believe one of the best ways we as Christians can make a difference in our world is by standing together. Why do we let so many insignificant things divide us and make us hostile to each other as believers? Yes, there are things we must stand for, but within the body of Christ, there is far more to unite over than there is to fight over. Brothers and sisters, let us love one another, for the world will know us by our love.

- Arabah Joy

CHAPTER 8

TRANSFORMATION AND NEW BEGINNINGS

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous ‑‑ how well I know it.

Psalm 139:14 (NLT)

You were made in the image of God and you contain his perfect blueprint inside you. Because we were all born in a fallen world, outwardly achieving that standard of perfection is not possible. Many of us have spent all our lives trying to do just that, and instead, we found ourselves mired in shame, guilt, and selfloathing because we failed. Many of us were born into the sort of dysfunction, abuse, or neglect that set us on an inevitable path to poor self-esteem. We did not know that we were living lies, because the truth was never made known to us.

We have done the best we could with the information we had available to us.

In this class, we have tried to give you knowledge, language, and context to help you see what has been done to you; and now we hope to provide some tools for the start of your recovery. It will be a long road, but the journey will become easier as you go along. Be patient with the process of recovery, and delight in small gains.

One key element to recovery is your decision to live again. This does not let your abuser off the hook. What he did cannot be undone, and the abuse will forever be a part of your history. But choosing to live life without turmoil and with hope is an indication that you are letting go of guilt and blame for his actions and putting the responsibility where it belongs: on him. In doing so, you are no longer allowing his actions and words to have any control over you; you have chosen to take back the reins of your life.

If you choose to stay with the abuser, you will have a lot more difficulty pursuing recovery and maintaining a healthy sense of self-worth, because unless your abuser is one of the very, very few who choose to do the hard word of transformation on themselves, the abuse you suffer will be ongoing. You will need a lot of help. Finding a trusted therapist, online support groups, a trusted friend or friends, and groups like this one will be vital. Abuse is very isolating, and you will need community to heal.

If you have decided to leave, if possible, cut all contact with the abuser. If that is not possible because you share children with him, consider making use of co-parenting tools like OUR FAMILY WIZARD. This app is designed to help manage plans and communication across both households. If one child has a dentist appointment, simply input the date and time in the app and both parents know about that appointment. Similarly, there is a feature allowing the input of expenses that may be shared per court order, and if one parent will be late for pick-up, this app has a tool for communicating that change and for keeping record of each occurrence.

Alternatively, if communications tend to be threatening and hostile, consider asking a parent or friend to be a go-between. If you have a go-between, the abuser is blocked from direct communication with you and must send any text or email through the third-party, who will then be a witness to any inappropriate language or hostility.

Other areas where restoration may be needed include this list from Shannon Thomas:

• ENJOYMENT OF HOLIDAYS. Often the tension and the extra time together that come with holidays causes the abuser to behave more badly than usual.

• FINANCIAL STABILITY and the ability to spend your money as you see fit.

• RESTORATION OF PHYSICAL HEALTH: better energy, reduction of pain and other ailments.

• RESTORATION OF EMOTIONAL WELLBEING; living with reduced levels of anxiety, stress, and depression.

• REPLACEMENT OF MATERIAL ITEMS destroyed or stolen during the abuse.

YOU

CAN’T RECOUP THE MONTHS OR YEARS STOLEN FROM YOU BY THE ABUSER, BUT LOSSES CAN BE REDEEMED IN NEW WAYS.

Turning your fears and worries over to God should be your ultimate goal. But when well-meaning friends or family advise you to do that, it can seem dismissive and uncaring. If you don’t know what it is that you want to turn over, you may feel that you are failing yet again when you can’t. If you know you have unresolved grief in your life that is weighing you down, the first step in healing those losses—in turning them over to God for his healing and redemption—is identifying them, as we hope you have begun to do in our previous chapter on grief and loss. And after you’ve identified them, you need to be able to experience them on a deeper level than you were allowed to do previously.

The best way to begin that process is to share those losses with others. The deeper the loss, the more often you may need to share it so that you can experience the grief that was derailed or interrupted when the loss occurred, and so that the grief you feel is validated.

AS YOU EXPERIENCE THE EMPATHY AND COMPASSION OF TRUSTED OTHERS, YOU WILL BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS GOD’S WAY OF BRINGING GOOD OUT OF BAD.

Abuse breaks the spiritual bonds we have with God.

AS WE BEGIN TO REPAIR THE SPIRITUAL BONDS WE HAVE WITH TRUSTED OTHERS, THE SPIRITUAL BOND WE HAVE WITH GOD WILL BEGIN TO HEAL, TOO.

In Healing the Child Within, Charles L Whitfield summarizes the process this way:

• Become aware of our upset or concern

• Experience it, including telling our story about it

• Consider the possibility that we may have a choice to stop suffering over it, and then

• Let it go

“In healing our Child Within, we work through this process of identifying or becoming aware, experiencing and then letting go. Since most of us have suffered a large number of ungrieved losses in our lives, working through them may take a long time.”

Charles

L Whitfield

Whitfield also states that as you walk into transformation, learning to be assertive about your wants and needs will serve you well. If you grew up in a dysfunctional home, you may have been taught that your needs were unimportant, or that the only way to get them met was through manipulation and aggression. You probably didn’t see assertiveness modeled, and it may feel dangerous to you. While being aggressive may get you what you want, it is generally a form of attack and leaves both you and the other person feeling bad about the encounter. By contrast, being assertive usually gets us what we want and leaves all parties feeling positive about the outcome.

As you consider how you might become more assertive about your wants and needs, ask a trusted friend or therapist to help you practice assertiveness in different areas of your life, and be open to their feedback.

Recovery from abuse and from childhood trauma doesn’t happen once. You don’t achieve transformation from victim status or codependence one time and then live your life happily ever after from then on. You will experience awakenings multiple times, gain insights over the course of many years, and get new perspective in healing again and again. This is the hallmark of growth, not a sign that you are not in recovery. As you experience these new thoughts and new realizations, remember that they are part of your story, and share them with your circle.

Your story will be like water in the desert for others who are beginning their journey out of abuse. Where once you may have thought that serenity and a sense of self were unattainable, you now know they were in your heart and part of God’s plan for your life all along.

PLEASE CONSIDER HOW YOUR CONTINUING JOURNEY OF HEALING CAN HELP OTHERS TO MAKE THOSE FIRST STEPS INTO A NEW LIFE.

When we were children in dysfunctional or abusive homes, we had to tolerate being mistreated in order to survive. When in our adult abusive relationships, our old survival mechanisms meant we tolerated and normalized mistreatment, because that is what we learned to do, and we were never taught healthy ways to assert ourselves and make boundaries with toxic people. Now that you have seen that truth, you can never un-see it.

It’s up to you to decide how that will look for you as you begin to walk in that truth.

THE PSYCHOPATH-FREE PLEDGE

1. I will never beg or plead for someone else again. A man or woman who brings me to that level is not worth my heart.

2. I will never tolerate criticisms about my body, age, weight, job, or any other insecurities I might have. Good partners won’t put me down; they’ll raise me up.

3. I will take a step back to objectively look at my relationship at least once every month to make sure that I am being respected and loved, not flattered and love-bombed.

4. I will always ask myself the question, “Would I ever treat someone else like this?” If the answer is no, then I don’t deserve to be treated like that either.

5. I will trust my gut. If I get a bad feeling, I won’t try to push it away or make excuses. I will trust myself.

6. I understand that it is better to be single than in a toxic relationship.

7. I will not be spoken to in a condescending or sarcastic way. Loving partners will not patronize me.

8. I will not allow my partner to call me jealous, crazy, or any other dismissive accusations.

9. My relationships will be mutual and equal at all times. Love is not about control and power.

10. If I ever feel unsure about any of these steps, I will seek out help from a friend, support forum, or therapist. I will not act on impulsive decisions.

Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People, Jackson MacKenzie, 2015

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES

BOOKS:

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) by Brene Brown

Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw

Homecoming by John Bradshaw

Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse by Shannon Thomas

The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel

Healing the Child Within by Charles L Whitfield

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller

WEBSITES/FORUMS:

Leslie Vernick at leslievernick.com

Elisabeth Klein Fisher on Facebook (private group)

Patricia Evans at verbalabuse.com (private forum)

Lundy Bancroft at lundybancroft.com

Barbara Roberts at cryingoutforjustice.blog

Natalie at Flying Free (also called Visionary Survivor) (Facebook)