pick this up
The Botetourt Squat !
Word is bond
Vol. 2, Issue 5
‘Is It News?
The botetourt sQuat And wcwm present Laura Stevenson and the Cans
Probably.’
Mysterious student constantly masturbating in Swem stacks
Digging Up Virgins CARSEATHEADREST
SATURDAY, APRIL 7th 2-4PM Sunken GaRDENS MORE FESTIVAL INFO ON PAGE 5
Sadler to open Thunderdome in response to staff violence
April 6th, 2012
New footage shows the mystery masturbater in the throes of bliss.
BY DR. RALPHY MOMO JERKIN’ IT CORRESPONDENT
For the fifth time today and the eighteenth time this week, an as of now unidentified male student was found masturbating in the child psychology section of the Swem stacks. This has been the latest in a slew of manic masturBY FATHER PADRE bation throughout the campus that has MADDEST MAX been mainly centered around the cherFollowing isolated incidents of domestic violence ished library. These episodes of auto-erotic terinstigated by staff members at both the Sadler Center rorism has caused mild to very little and the Caf, College leaders held an emergency Ouija Board session deep in the bowels of the Wren Crypt late last Wednesday night in order to decide upon a response to the crisis. After one Thomas “Fucking” Jefferson reportedly finished yelling about how “This sort of a thing would never happen at an ‘Ivy League’ school like UVA,” ‘Jacob’ Tyler and ‘Brett’ Monroe, who had apparently BY FOX IN SOCKS OF QUESTIONABLE SOBRIETY just finished watching the classic 80’s film Mad Max together, suggested the creation of a Thunderdome. Last week we watched as our In a press conference held the following morn- eight beloved class tributes fought to ing, Reveley and his entourage of administrators an- the death in the semi-annual Banner nounced the construction of the new “scrumptiously Games. The Banner Games were inbrilliant” Thunderdome to commence at once inside stituted by the College as punishment the cafeteria at the Sadler Center. One administrator for the Great Engineering School Relater commented that “while at first I viewed the archi- bellion of 2001, which as anyone with tect responsible for the creation of the seemly mean- a brain knows, occurred when all of ingless large wooden circle in the middle of the Sadler the juniors in the engineering program Center Dinning Facilities as doltish, but he clearly were bannerfucked and therefore atforesaw the future need for a Thunderdome—and for tempted to overthrow the system with that we say all say well done sir!” an elaborate squirrel catapult. The new dome, while typically steel according As a result, the administration used to accepted canon, will be made of bricks to give it the program and its nuclear reactors that William and Mary “flare,” and with the opening against them, turning the building and planed for the 12th, the first of many ‘Thunderdome the surrounding area into what is now
alarm. Upon being interviewed, Pratik Singha ‘14, the latest to encounter the mystery masturbator, had this to say: “I mean, if we’re going to be fair, he was caught in the Child Psychology section of the library stacks. Are you seriously going to look me in the eye and tell me when you walk past that section you don’t want to rip your junk out and give it the ol’ barrel roll!?” While Pratik’s is notably the view shared by most on campus, there is still a minority of students who demand that the mystery masturbator stop. One of
the major proponents of getting the selfpleasurer to cease and desist is campus good guy student body president Kaveman Sogdium. “This isn’t about decency, this is about fairness. We all want to throw caution in the wind and just beat it in the library, but we can’t do that if the best spot is always being taken up by this so-called Mystery Masturbator. All we want is for him to just give everybody else a chance!” In an effort to hinder the perpetrator’s greedy masturbation habits, many religious symbols have been placed in the area. This tactic is thought to possibly evoke a sense of guilt. In case the mystery masturbator is atheist or is simply more aroused by having these religious icons around him as he tugs at his balls and chain, pictures of leprosy victims and Hillary Clinton have also been put up. “Fuck man, if those Hillary Clinton pictures don’t stop him then nothing will. Okay fine, she still gave me a boner, but I wouldn’t want it on my conscience that I spanked it to Hillary. That’s like, un-American or something.” said an obviously inebriated Ginger Ambler. The search is still underway but as of yet the authorities and the student body have yet to apprehend the mystery masturbator, Jake Douglas ‘14. §
Class Tributes fight over priority registration in the Banner Games
known as the Grim Dell. To prevent fuCONTINUED PAGE 2 ture rebellion, the Banner Games were
created not only as a reminder of the administration’s power but also to ensure that rising seniors get priority registration (come on, we all know that it’s fixed and the freshmen are fucked). The winner of the Banner Games earns priority registration for their entire class, making the competition incredibly competitive, especially for the sad muthafuckas that are the TWAMPS at this school. This year’s tributes were chosen by lottery, because William and Mary does everything by fucking lottery. The arena, as usual, included the entire campus, and this year the cornucopia was located in Sadler, where the weaponry included flat forks and discarded textbooks. The rations there were comprised of stale gluten-free muffins and cold chunks of unidentifiable
meat. This, combined with the fact that the tributes were unable to access the Sadler Center past 8pm, led many tributes to seek out other sources of nutrition. We saw desperate tributes munching on squirrels, ducks, and Living Wage coalition members. Before the games started, Freshman Tribute Joe Catalano told us, “I’m so nervous that I’ve already shit myself three times. Though that last time could have been because I sneezed too hard after eating at Zoca.” Of course, poor Joe died early on in the games, after he made the unfortunate decision to drink Crim Dell water. Other notable deaths included Sophomore tribute Laura Lay, who ignored Ginger Ambler’s emails and was therefore attacked by rabid raccoons outside of the CONTINUED PAGE 2
AGENDA SETTING
The Botetourt Squat § Friday, April 6th, 2012 § PAGE 2
College renames Rape Trails “Hope Trails,” narrowly beating out “Happy Trails”
BY TOM BOMBADIL SENIOR SEMANTIC SCRIVENER Administrators were horrified last week when one of the bureaucrats heard a student refer to the beloved trails between the Botetourt Complex and… well, everywhere but Dupont and the Caf as the “Rape Trails.” For those of us who are “in touch” with the student body and their crazy gizmos like the “Walkman” and the “Skateboard” and the “Cowabunga,” this comes as no surprise. For the administrators, however, this was a serious wake-up call. Students clearly weren’t feeling safe on the trails, and it was their duty to take action. Calling together an emergency meeting of the most important administrators, President Reveley suggested they attack the Rape Trails head on. He adjourned the meeting for a few days to think about how to attack them properly. In a short email sent out to the entire administration, Reveley called a second (and unheard of) emergency meeting to be held by the ‘repository of the magnificent Crim Dell.’ On arriving at the site, Reveley commenced his remarks by demanding the College “devise a name for this particular location on campus, being as it is an interesting landmark which should be distinguished from its cousin, the Crim Dell.” He went on to say, “the putrid smell that persists in this area creates an unpleasant sensation for my nostrils; it is a grim sight, indeed.” A passing Botetourter, apparently on the phone and unaware of the massive gathering of middle aged men and women, at that moment yelled, “YEAH I’M PASSING THE FUCKING GRIM DELL, WHAT? HUH? I HAVE BAD SERVICE THROUGH HERE! YOU LIKE FISTING?” The meeting proceeded with two team-building games so that the administrators would feel comfortable enough with each other to share their true opinions on what the trails should be named. First, they inflated a massive ball and passed it between the group. Each person that caught it had to say his/her favorite
The Botetourt Squat
The offending trails in all their glory
type of pasta. Craig Jacobs ’87 said, “once I told everyone that my favorite Italian dish was linguine, I felt like I could really contribute to the conversation on which name would be the best.” The second team-building exercise simply required that everyone strip naked, don a belt with water guns on each hip, and quick draw each other until the fastest water gun shooter was determined. Sources say that the results were hotly contested, but apparently Jonathan Staples ’98, ’04 PhD, was widely believed to be the fastest. Once everyone was dressed again, they began the process of thinking about how to broach the idea of coming to terms with potentially launching an exploratory committee to investigate the possibility of fixing the “Rape Trails” problem. “Once we became a cohesive paragon of teamwork,” Mr. Wallace began, “Our work began. Before any action could take place, we needed to figure out why students were calling the trails the ‘Rape Trails.” After four days of discus-
sion, it was determined that students called the trails the “Rape Trails” because they thought it was funny. It was inconceivable that students might call them this because they felt fundamentally unsafe on the trails at night because they’re creepily and poorly lit. It was also inconceivable that students were reflecting the idea that the trails are easily the most likely place they can imagine being attacked while on campus. So, instead of wasting their time addressing those non-issues, the administration decided on launching an exploratory committee to discuss the possibility of renaming the trails. Because that’s the problem. The name is obviously what’s wrong here. “Once that was settled, our first thought was the Rape Route. That sounds alliterative and fun, right?” (this was met with general nods of approval from reporters present) “WRONG! It might sound fun and exciting, but it fails to solve the cenCONTINUED PAGE 5
STREET BEAT YOUR MEAT
The Tennessee General Assembly recently passed a bill requiring public educators to teach evolution and global warming as contestable theories rather than scientific fact. What do you think?
‘Chances Are, It’s News’
300 Chandler Hall, The College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, Va. 23185
THE SQUAT: botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu Zack Quaratella, Editor-in-Chief Rigel Kaufman, Staff Writer Ben Reynolds, Editor-in-Chief William Brightly, Columnist Jordan Obey, Managing Editor William Amante, Contributing JohnAugust Bridgeford, Author Managing Editor Daniel Duane, Plebe Jake Balls, Copy Editor Charles Gowan, Seabiscuit Sarah Lohmann, Arts Director Matt Fruberry, Plebe Ryan Novak, Variety Mike Holtzmann, Plebe Rigel Kaufman, Opinion Joseph Soultanis, Plebe Tim Planert, Agenda Setting Taylor Renard, Plebe Nitin Iyengar, Beat Editor Jack Crum, Plebe Pratik Sinha, Junior Staff Writer Aiden Benshimol, Staff Writer
Layout by Zack Quaratella and Ben Reynolds. Disclaimer: This is a satire newspaper, and should be read as such. Not intended for readers under 18, or people who don’t understand satire. Not intended to be read by Student Affairs. Special thanks to our lovely Swem Cataloguers, who have to endure this monthly hardship. Any people represented in this paper are fictional, unless given express consent to the writer or editor. Please don’t sue us. We don’t have money.
“Look, if it’s only a theory, then it SHOULD be contested! Just like how gravitational theory is clearly contested by the existence of birds and airplanes. And the flying dinosaurs.”
News In Brief College Surprised by Construction of New Brick Building In a shocking turn of events, The College of William and Mary has begun construction on a new building, tentatively named Reveley Hall, that will host a brand new phrenology department. The building, on which construction is scheduled to begin in Spring 2013, is in the early stage of architectural planning. Sources say, “it will definitely be made out of fucking brick, look around you, asshole.” Stu-
“As a scientist, I’m not sure I agree with this bill. Evolutionary theory is difficult to debate when you have a fist in your butthole and a piece of French bread in your mouth.”
“I don’t give a flying fuck about Tennessee now that the King is dead. I don’t even have children. I hate the media and their obvious agenda setting.”
dents, however, are expressing concern over the prospect of another brick building. “I read on Yahoo! that too much brick may cause polio, and I’m just nervous that I’ll get polio.” Another student voiced similar trepidation: “I heard that the color red can actually be mercury, which makes you go nuts like those scientists. I am excited to take some classes in phrenology, though.” The administration was not immediately available for comment.
At 1:57 this morning, George Trio ’13 walked into Wawa and began browsing. He was seen on surveillance searching through the aisles, looking for something to purchase. He stopped for 37 seconds in front of the donut shelf on the southern end of the store. Peering over his shoulder at the workers, he then grabbed a bag of those really nice powdered donuts and put it under his sweatshirt. He exited the store at without paying. The thief appeared to think he had gone undetected. An onlooker, John Paine ’14, said, “That kid always fucking steals those donuts when he’s drunk.”
Daring Heist Leaves Wawa Short One Pack of Powdered Donuts
The Botetourt Squat FROM “BANNER GAMES”
FROM “THUNDERDOME”
Botetourt Complex, and Junior Eric Stafford, who proclaimed triumphantly, “I’m such an adventurer!” before taking an arrow to the knee. The winner of the Banner Games, as you all know, was rising Senior Allie Parrish, whose strategy involved passing out at the units for a solid week. Freshman Jennifer Quigley, second place, believed she had won until Allie stumbled out of the woods and hit her over the head with a handle of Burnett’s. Talk about not being able to hold your alcohol! In a few weeks, the Swem Games will begin, with TWAMPy freshman fighting for the privilege to live in the library. May the odds be ever in your favor, you crazy fuckers.
Thursdays’ promises to be the newest highlight on the Spring Break tours. One eager staff member of Sadler said, “we hope that this development not only creates an appropriate place in which staff members can exert aggressive behavior but also gets Sadler back on the map. For too long we have been criticized for our lack of variety, but now we have the dome. Suck it, Marketplace!” This new weekly entertainment will not only provide students with a new substance-free event but also present an opportunity for Sadler employees to battle for shifts and a variety of serving duties. Closer to home, this new event seems to be a concession for the new, “bullshit” dinning plan options that forces the Class of 2015 and all those that follow to enroll in a meal plan if they choose to live on campus. And to that, this writer replies, “Fuck you, I just want a block meal plan!” §
Good luck getting into Intro to Islam, plebes.
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Friday, April 6th, 2012
Campus “construction” apparently digging for something BY RONALDINHO McDONALD FUNNY PERSON IN TRAINING
We’ve all seen the construction areas on random parts of campus and asked ourselves what the fuck they’re doing. These portioned-off areas are typically not near anything that could feasibly need fixing, and students are beginning to ask questions. Is our parents’s money funding this? It was recently revealed that the construction is in fact not construction at all. These contractors have in fact been commissioned by President Reveley himself to dig for something. A lost treasure said to have been left by Thomas Jefferson (or maybe Jon Stewart) is buried under campus grounds, and Reveley has been scouring the land for it. A trip to the re-
stricted section of Swem Library revealed these findings: ancient lore says that Jefferson built an underground catacomb of sorts, said to house a monster that only he and certain others can control. Some have noted that this sounds eerily similar to the plot of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Student abductions all around campus seem to suggest that this similarity is no coincidence. When asked about the “Chamber,” President Reveley merely cackled maniacally and hung up the phone. It was weird. §
KDR rush chair wins OA hiring rights in card game BY SECRETARIAT ORIENTATION AIDS At an undisclosed location late last Saturday night, the rights to decide who will be hired as Orientation Advisers was put on the table after Charles Gowan lost his last twenty. He then lost it all to KDR’s rush chair in a daring game of Seven Card Stud. Now KDR will be able to choose who gets to meet the freshmen first and have free access to all the rushes and biddies before anyone else. KDR has said it will do the responsible thing and pledged that orientation will be the most insane thing the freshmen will ever not be able to remember. John Batesmen, KDR’s president, has said they have planned to make a few changes to the Orientation formula. The old slogan “Congratulations on getting out of Jersey” has been replaced with “Bro Hard or Bro Home.” The parent family
orientation program has been shortened to one brother going around and thanking each father for bringing them their daughters. Orientation will no longer start at 8am, but will now start at noon with a “cure the hangover brunch.” Instead of going to programs and mixers, KDR will start all freshmen day drinking by 2PM and slowly transition it to a rager back at their totally sweet dance floor. Attendance at all “events” will be mandatory with the only excuse being if you’ve found some “slam piece” who is “dtf.” Batesmen stated, “We hope the changes we are making to orientation positively affect the rest of the school year. We’d really like to be one of the top-tier party schools on the East Coast. I mean, that’s why we all came to college, right?” We regret writing an article about KDR as much as the next newspaper.
People Nowadays Bemoan the State of the Music Industry William B. is the Botetourt Squat’s newest syndicated columnist. He’s currently a sophomore and down to get frisky! I don’t really like mayonnaise. I think it’s gross. I really want to know the guy who was like, “oh hey that sandwich looks good, do mind if I whip up a raw egg and smear it on? It’ll really add.” Dude must have been crazy. I don’t really have anything more to say about that, but I will tell you something else that’s crazy. This crazy thing I’m about to talk about is fucked up for real, like a lot fucked up. It’s crazier than that time Pauly Shore and Sean Astin thawed out a caveman and brought him to their high school. Now I like to think that I’m the kind of guy who’s really into honey. I like it on biscuits, but I’m definitely not the kind of man who’s into bees. Hymenoptera make me bug the fuck out. Unfortunately for me, now that it’s getting warmer and the weather’s getting nice, the bees are starting to wake up and plot new and ever more
malicious ways of murdering everything. Pretty soon they’ll be out in force, and as the weather gets nicer they’re becoming more and more aggressive. No longer are they content to wait for an unsuspecting human to come outside and walk into one of their fucked traps. Now they’re going on the offensive. Just the other day, I was sitting in my sed lab looking at some dirt, stone cold chillin’, when all of a sudden a big-ass bee flies through the window and almost rampages my face. Scary shit. Trust me, bees will traumatically inseminate you like a goddamn bed bug and then pour honey down the tip of your penis. You do not want to fuck with them. Stay inside this summer. Word is Bond.
Ryan Gosling Kills Puppy BY RONALDINHO McDONALD SENIOR CELEBRITY WATCHER
Hollywood heartthrob Ryan Gosling tarnished his rep as the “perfect man” today when he was seen brutally slaughtering a puppy in cold blood near his LA home. Gosling brought the puppy out of a small cage he had been carrying around, and proceeded with a strange sacrificial ritual that left onlookers shocked. “I mean he is gorgeous, but that was fucked up... Jesus fucking Christ,” said one female witness through tears of anguish. Gosling, known for his role in The Notebook, has gained popularity among
Pumping iron with Jake Balls Tips for true fitness Do you like blood in your stool? I sure as shit don’t. Have some fiber with that protein powder.
William B. will accept photo contest submissions at botetourtsquat@email. wm.edu, also there is a photo contest. Go!
the feminist community through Internet memes and the fact that he apparently broke up a street fight in LA. This incident, however, will definitely leave its mark on his public persona. Gosling’s agent, Thomas Green, told the press, “Ryan should have the right to practice his religious beliefs, even if they do involve sacrificing small animals. Last time I checked, this was America. And I just checked.” When asked about the incident, Gosling, shirtless, looked up, half-smiled, and went back to wiping the blood off his hands. All the women present immediately forgave him. §
Jake Balls is a fitness instructor at the College of Williamand Mary, and he is a professional self-help columnist.
The Botetourt Squat
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Friday, April 6th, 2012
Disgruntled students host “Campus Siege,” damage things BY MONTE SKEW SENIOR WAR CORRESPONDENT Like all current revolutions, the one at William and Mary started on Facebook. Campus Siege was formed after several miffed students were wait listed for housing for several hours in Fall 2012. From there, the online Facebook group and weekly meetings attracted the more radical members of William and Mary’s student body. Next, the group engaged various acts of chicanery and mild terrorism. The most recent attacks and violence include the removal of all of the windshield wiper blades in the Hall lot, chatting and singing poorly while following tour groups of prespective students, launching water balloons at unsuspecting bystander, and spreading bird seed to attract birds to crap on the campus’s most beloved buildings. They intend to inflict the most righteous terror on their fellow students. Ginger Ambler emailed the student body “The college terrorism threat level has been raised to orange. If any student suspects any person of terrorism ties or
would like to report an activity in progress they should yell it to the police at once.” In a one on one interview with Ms. Ambler was quoted saying, “We always knew the students would lose it and start revolting, but we never expected anything like this. Compared to the shower boycott of ‘85 and the ‘Living Wage Riot’ this is fucking insane. The perpetrators are more elusive and seem to have made alliances with the College ghosts to keep themselves out of trouble. Whenever they have events they always have a member of the Law School who knows exactly what their rights are so the police are having a hard time making arrests.” She then muttered to herself, “I’ll admit that repealing the concealed weapons policy on campus may have been a bad idea.” The Squat got the exclusive interview with one of the leaders of Campus Siege, “This is war, if you’re not with us you’re against us. I had a vision from God and he said to me, ‘Samson, you have got to show these people are what you are capable of.’ Sure I have enough money to live off cam-
pus, but it’s a matter of principle. Our next act will shock the petite bourgeious sensibilities of the Daily Grind inhabiting classes. We will steal the Wren Chapel and will place it into hiding until our demands are met. GOD WILLS IT!” Upon further request for an ennumeration of demands, Samson responded, “We’re not really sure, also, uh, the complete and total annihilation of all life on earth.” Every single RA on campus has fled into protective custody and were unable for comment, because they were definitely afraid. However, the Squat was able to get a comment from world renowned college revolution expert, Dr. Philip Kang. “You have a lot of things going for the administration here. First, be glad that there are no engineering degrees offered at William and Mary. MIT’s students built trebuchets and catapults to attack buildings in ‘94. Also, be glad that a majority of majors at the school are really really lazy and those that aren’t are probably too busy to give a shit. Like Accounting, Bio, Chem, and Physics majors. Lastly the genetic make-up of
the student body seems to be of a weaker stock as compared to Virginia Tech.” He continued, “Some major pitfalls that the administration should fix right away, is the amount of cannons on campus. With a name like ‘Campus Siege’ you would have thought they would have grabbed the cannons and went for the high ground.” Dr. Kang goes on to point out that, “these things usually diffuse themselves. The hipsters leave after too many people join and they realize that they’re fucking useless at everything. Another 1/3 leave after the beer runs out and those remaining will fight over hypotheticals like whether the griffin could kill a hippogriff, either that or the revolution gets violent or the Crim Dell will be red with blood.”
Earthquake in France causes French to fly white flag “just to be safe” BY PARTICLE MAN SKYLORD LORD ALMIGHTY France was recently hit by an earthquake registered at 6.2 on the Richter scale. Approximately 32 minutes later, they flew a white flag over the capital and telecommuted their unconditional surrender over the system of governmental speakers throughout the country. It was not until 2 days later that it was realized the natural disaster was not, in fact, a hostile assault or act of aggression. However, during those two days, a pair of British teens took over in a bloodless coup, the deathly frightened Parliament members eagerly adhering to their will. Perhaps the most noteworthy component is that during this two-day tag-team total takeover, the boys managed to write a multitude of bills into law, all of which passed unanimously. Bill Williamsonman, age 14, and Ronald O’Donnald, age 15, were both visiting France with their parents when they heard of the coup. Armed with two Nerf brand six-shooters, they walked into the capital
and declared their iron rule over the country. Among the bills passed into law that, to everyone’s surprise, were not overturned after the fact and instead largely supported by the public, were “Provisions and recommendations for fixing Paris’s smell of stale piss.” As anyone who has been to Paris knows, that place smells worse than the unwashed urinal in the back of the 7-11, the one that you need a key to get into, and only after buying a stick of gum since the bathroom is for “paying customers only.” Other popular bills still in effect include “Act to torch the Louvre,” and “Federal provision for the mandatory administration of cootie shots for girls.” As per the latter case, both Bill and Ronald believe that cooties are a rising problem in the biomedical field, and need to be stamped out before they cause another pandemic. However, the new triumphant FrancoBritish Oligarchy was ultimately snuffed out by the four parents who were on vacation in France, and who stormed the capital in order to get their respective sons back. Any
request for five more minutes was met with immediate negation, and both members were sentenced to grounding for two weeks for overthrowing the French government. Embarrassed by the ordeal, French officials attempted to save face, claiming that they were not flying the white flag at every governmental building, rather they were just enacting a new provision of a recent bill to promote green energy that states white sheets should be manually dried at the top of a flag pole at all government facilities. Still not satisfied, they staked the claim that the announcement of unconditional surrender was just a drill preparing for the real thing, which would surely come about again some time in the future. A faux-pas, if you will. As one looks back on the state of affairs, it’s hard not to wonder if the rule of 48 hours was not the best one yet. The universal conclusion, however, is that the average 14 or 15 year old would make a much better politician than any fully grown adult can, could, or will. §
JACK CRUM
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Student kills, eats squirrel in front of tour group BY DARK PALADIN SENIOR LATECOMER WILLIAMSBURG, VA - An unnamed student at the College has been detained by authorities after a gruesome incident that occurred during the early afternoon of April 3rd. A tour group of prospective and recently admitted students witnessed a student capture, kill, and eat a campus squirrel. The squirrel, whose identity was not released to the media, was crawling up a tree along the Sunken Gardens when the student, emerging from McGlothlin-Street Hall, stopped in front of the tour group, picked the squirrel up, and bit off its head. As the horrified crowd looked on and the tour guide continued to extol the quality of the on-campus dining, the student blithely began crunching on the skull of the recently deceased rodent. According to witnesses, the student slurped out the brains, then threw the remainder of the carcass on to gardens before
sprinting away towards Crim Dell. Numerous students who were on the scene to witness this disturbing act came forward to share their stories, many of them profoundly shaken. “I can’t believe he would just… throw away that entire carcass like that!” sobbed one girl. “I thought this school was supposed to be environmentally sustainable.” “I am outraged!” exclaimed another. “Doesn’t he know that squirrels are a protected species in Virginia?” “That was fucking awesome!” exclaimed a third. “I’m totally going here.” While the student was later apprehended, his motive for the act remains unclear, as do the criminal charges that can be filed against him. “Well, shit, son,” one member of the Williamsburg Police Department responded to questions about the charges filed against the student, “I don’t know if there is any law against eating squirrels here…I guess we’re gonna have to let him go. It don’t seem right, but that’s just the way it is here.” Campus authorities, however, were not so lenient. The stu-
dent is expected to face the Student Conduct Council later this month, SA President-Elect Curt Mills vowed in a strongly worded official statement vowing that the Student Assembly would continue “to not do a goddamn thing”.
The Admissions Office has announced that this year’s entering freshmen class will be much smaller than normal, with staggeringly low enrollment of admitted students. No cause for the drop in enrollment has been identified. §
The Botetourt Squat
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Friday, April 6th, 2012
Botetourt Squat publishes meta-article about sororities, instantly ousted from campus BY PARTICLE MAN SKYLORD COMPLETELY UNPRINTABLE In an attempt to circumnavigate the double-standard surrounding who can and can’t be made fun of, the infamous publication known as the Botetourt Squat recently ran an article pointing out this inconsistency with regards to the female Greek community. To nobody’s surprise, the reaction and consequent retribution was swift and ultimately damning. “They’re chauvinist pigs,” says one anonymous sorority member from that one with the 3 Greek letters. “I mean, sure, articles about a debauched Jesus, the apocalypse, fraternities, administration, campus, current events, ethicallybinary questions, and the status of sexual fluidity are understandable. But sororities are off-limits.” Indeed, in prop-
er sequence, the writer of the article was tracked down and whipped in public before being excommunicated by the pope, drawn and quartered, and dunked on by Gary Coleman. The remaining members, however, were only issued a stern spanking and had their funding taken away that they had gotten for a whole 1 issue. What was in the article that triggered such a substantial negative response? Nobody knows for sure. Some of the more pithy statements from the article are, “People only advocate for equality when it’s in their favor,” as well as, “Who the fuck wouldn’t want to sleep with King Arthur? He’s a king!” One thing is for sure, no more articles of the nature will be published. Ever. Never ever again. Especially not right now. The difficulty of approaching the female species has long been a problem for
Botetourt Squat writers discover everything they write is complete speculation without any experience or knowledge BY BIG SHOW SENIOR BALLSACK
The entire staff of the Botetourt Squat newspaper has come to the realization that every criticism they have ever made of every school institution has been entirely speculation with no actual facts. After hours of peyote smoking and staring at the Northern Lights from the top of a mountain in southern Alaska while staff writer Jack Crum played his pan flute and everyone danced around a fire in an entirely stereotypical American Indian spirit dance, the Botetourt Squat staff writers had a major epiphany: Everything that they satirize they actually know nothing about and are only criticizing for the sake of being critical. They’ve also come to realize their own arrogance toward many aspects of this school, viewing themselves as superior, sitting in their dorm all day, to those who actually do things. When asked about their personal enlightenment, staff writer and investigative
journalist Jack Crum said, “We now realize, as a whole, that we have been making unfair claims and criticisms of school institutions that we do not take part or even know the first thing about. Since I am not a member of a single club, have never taken part in a single school activity, and have made few friends outside of my very isolated group, it would be unfair for me to make criticisms of these things from which I am so disconnected. We all realize now that we are all just huge dicks.” “I agree,” says staff writer Jordan Obey. “Now I am going to join more clubs and become more involved in the campus so that my satire has more substance. Thanks Jack Crum, for recommending the soul-searching adventure. The road ahead will be tough and scary, but I believe as a group, we can advance as people and learn to only satirize what should be satirized.” The Botetourt Squat has stated they will make an official public apology to all those they have hurt with unjustified satire at some point in the distant future. §
publishers and people in general. In fact, just in 2011, the flat hat tried to publish a nude calendar edition of their newspaper to discourage people from just reading the sex column and then throwing it away. Overwhelming male support was undermined by the fact that more females go to the school and thus had the majority, so the idea was eventually scrapped. Deal with it, nerd. Even further into history, the original pilgrims wanted to name Virginia vagina because they were pussies compared to glorious New England. As we can observe today, this was not the case. But the men were crafty; they simply rearranged the letters and threw a few extra ones in there. Thus, Virginia was born. Regardless of the implications, the result is clear: nobody knows what the fuck is going on anymore. People in sup-
port of the author who chose to remain anonymous speak out, however, labeling this a “double-triple” standard, not to be confused with the popular burger offered at Steak N’ Shake called the “triple-double.” Rigelle Kaufmann, ‘14, comments: “This is a sack of diced dog dicks. Women shouldn’t receive special treatment, especially with something as trivial as being made fun of by an irrelevant publication that makes fun of whomever and whatever they can, not because they have a vendetta, but because it’s funny.” True or not, the Botetourt Squat remembers and laments the loss of their late, sexist, and pig-like member at the hands of an angry horde of women, the pope, 4 horses, and Gary Coleman. Good night, sweet prince. You will be missed. Sweet pig sack!
FROM RAPE/HOPE TRAILS tral issue- it still has the word ‘rape’ in it. So then we came up with Sexual Assault Avenue. That’s kind of alliterative, right? I mean yeah, there’s the ‘Sexual’ there, but Assault and Avenue both start with ‘A’. But we still failed to address the central issue - sexual assault is still really close to rape. So then we decided we needed to move in the opposite direction. Eventually, we decided on the Consensual Course. That sounds nice and safe, right? We almost went with that. We congratulated ourselves on solving the problem of rape, and went home. “But as luck would have it, I decided to watch Inception that night. And get this- the guy starts talking about purple elephants. ‘If I say don’t think about purple elephants, what do you think about?’ ‘Purple elephants.’ Purple. Goddamned. Elephants. Then I realized that we were trying too hard - if we call the trails ‘The Consensual Course,’ people will still think of rape. Clearly, we need to scrap the whole thing. So I called an emergency meeting of the Christening Committee, and after hours of heated debate we agreed upon ‘The Happy Trails.’ It’s not alliterative, I know, but desperate times call for desperate measures. The good thing is that we saved a good amount of money be renaming the Rape- err, Happy Trails! We came dangerously close to attempting to address the situation that students were feeling unsafe on the trails by adding more light, fixing the problem that the lights repeatedly go out, or any other various money-wasters.” The following day the College released a statement saying that it had “finally… solved the issue of rape!” after which a rousing back-patting session was held for
approximately 30 minutes by the faculty and staff. Suddenly, a lone, anonymous dissenter amongst the ranks called out, “Fuck the Happy Trails! What about the Hope Trails?” The committee quickly descended into partisan bickering between “Happy Trails” and “Hope Trails” that left three administrators “quite offended” and others “fucking pissed.” Charles Fuller ’68 broke the deadlock with an inspiring argument. “The Hope Trails,” he said, “have the same amount of syllables as the Rape Trails. The transition will be super easy for students. They would never accept the ‘Happy Trails’ because it has one more syllable.” The room burst into applause and spontaneous, simultaneous orgasm; sources say it was a sight to behold. Not all were pleased with the recent changes, however. “Rape and sexual assault are still serious issues on campus!” cried several representatives from Every Two Minutes. “The administrators need to face the fact that in order to protect students from sexual assault, they must do significantly more than rename a set of trails that were never formerly named in the first place!” The College disbanded Every Two Minutes shortly thereafter, claiming that their presence on the campus was unnecessary as they had “solved rape.” The pro-rape group Four in One also took issue with the College claiming that rape was a problem in the first place. However, the Squat is not publishing any quotations to them due to our decided anti-rape bias. In other news, the College is planning on opening the newly rebranded “Gender Reassignment Center” next Tuesday. tl;dr
Not pumping iron with Ryan Brovak Tips for fitness With all these 3D re-releases, I sure hope they’re finally coming out with Teeth 3D. Ryan Novak is not a fitness instructor at the College of William and Mary, and he is not a professional self-help columnist.
ARTS AND LEISURE
The Botetourt Squat § Friday, April 6th, 2012 § PAGE 6
YouPorn launches sister sites, YouWatchPornTooMuch and YouDon’tActuallyLikePorn BY TOM BOMBADIL DID A LOT OF RESEARCH YouPorn, the successful internet pornography site that exists on user generated content, recently expanded its empire of adult entertainment by creating a new genre of porn for the dedicated user. Coined “microporn,” the content is reportedly similar to YouTube’s “playlist” feature, except the videos are generally five to ten seconds long and bear no commonalities to one another. The executive of YouPorn, Chase Freeman, explained the new features in a press release, “YouPorn has recently been losing viewers to competitors, and we weren’t really sure why. Well, ever since we launched that feature where a live cam pops up when you access our site, people are fleeing back to watching thirty second previews on
brazzers. Fuck that site.” He continued, “So we brainstormed at the YouPorn HQ in Salt Lake City and came up with a solution, ‘microporn.’ We found that our most frequent viewers were being left unsatisfied by the typical nasty shit that they watch. So we felt like upping the ante with ‘microporn.’ We put together days long compilations of ten second clips of the most abhorrent, abominable videos we had in our database.” “Already, we’re beginning to see that our disgusting, anal watching users are flooding YouWatchPornTooMuch.com, the site we launched to host microporn. We felt that YouPorn’s reputation would be harmed by microporn. Only like the fucking Ninja Turtles and that guy Danny DeVito watch that shit.” In a press release from Mr. DeVito’s agent, it was indicated that he was
pleased with the content on YouWatchPornTooMuch, but requested that there be slightly more giraffe porn. DeVito went on to say that he believes “giraffe porn is going to do for 2012 what hentai porn did for the late nineties.” Executive Freeman also announced the momentous release of another sister site, the morally clean twin, “YouDon’tActuallyLikePorn.” The purpose of this site is to allow teenagers who aren’t quite ready for the hardcore action of YouPorn, but still want to experiment with the genre. One video, entitled “She Gets Her Plumbing Fixed,” features an attractive housewife who suddenly realizes that her kitchen sink is not functioning. She immediately does what every attractive housewife does in a porn: she calls the plumber with the largest phallus. He arrives instan-
taneously because he was hanging around outside her house, watching her obviously through the window. He knocks on the door, and since it is hot outside in the film, he takes his shirt off. The housewife answers; she definitely has big boobies. He enters the house and fixes the plumbing while she watches tv in the other room. End of film. YouDon’tActuallyLikePorn features thousands of user-generated videos just like this one, so that users can get more acclimated to the inner machinations of pornographic cinematography without having to see gross boy parts. All three sites have come under suit under the “Santorum Act,” which requires all websites depicting lewd acts to limit free viewing to thirty seconds per video and always cut away right before the moneyshot. Gross!
Frats address hazing on campus, move off campus BY SEABISCUIT SENIOR RED CARPET MUNCHER Hazing has always been a part of the college experience. In the last decade however, colleges have learned they can make even more money if they pretend like they care about the well-being of their student body. Instead of doing anything that might actually increase the health of students, they have decided to pass the blame to fraternity hazing. Suddenly age old traditions like forcing a pledge to stick a lit paper towel between their ass cheeks to see if they can run around the frat house before it burns them are seen as “unhealthy” or “damaging.” The College of William and Mary has been urging its frats to stop hazing on campus to promote a safe environment. The frats agreed that for the well be-
ing of the student body, hazing on campus should be stopped. So they moved into houses on the other side of Richmond Road. This simple solution has really solved the problem. Students have responded by being more bright-eyed and
“Age old traditions like forcing a pledge to stick a lit paper towel between their ass cheeks...” bushy-tailed knowing the threat of hazing has completely vanished from campus. “It’s just nice to know that this is a safe place,” Jonathan Shrutenhau (Sig Chi pledge) said as he tried to extricate his manhood from the mousetraps his brothers had forced him to crawl over. “I
mean, I use to worry what they were going to do to me on campus, now I don’t!” Dick Trickleback, Dean of Students, has
“Tried to extricate his manhood from the mousetraps his brothers forced him...” been thrilled with the response to their anti-hazing measures. “I think it really shows what our students are capable of. I mean here we asked them to make a change for the better, and the frats really came through.” The only remaining problem is that every now and then a pledge somehow limps or staggers back to campus and passes out. Trickleback say the police still get very “uppity” about that, but the Board of Vis-
Fat Trel’s Nightmare on E Street; “Phat, Phresh” BY J-MAN LEWIS GUEST MUSIC REVIEWER District of Columbia rapper Fat Trel’s latest mixtape “Nightmare on E Street” dropped Tuesday morning. Highly anticipated, Trel’s fourth tape is a move toward the mainstream, and after years of local support he seems to finally be making waves nationwide. Three days after the release, it has gained over 100,000 combined views on the two websites it can be streamed on, indicating Trel may finally be moving towards the mainstream. His musical output reflects this, with a variety of songs and styles attempting to please a diverse audience. This variety makes sense; Fat Trel is a rapper for the youth. DC’s “Fat Fool” may have tried too hard to appeal to everyone. The mixtape was a little disappointing. With over 20 tracks, clocking in at around an hour and a half of music, Trel has auto-tuned R & B jams for the ladies, trap hits, go-go raps, introspective songs and generic pop rapping. He shows his ability to appeal to hip-hop purists and trap fans with tracks like the Rick Ross sampling “Deep in the Game”, which has ominous piano notes that sink into the brain and “Swishers and Liquor” which sounds like old school southern rap. Songs like “Find My Way” featuring local R&B crooner Raheem Devaughn are expected from a Fat Trel mixtape- the track is catchy and with go-go influenced drums. On the other hand, songs like “Freak It”, “On Top of Your Girl”, “Fuck” “By the Way” and “Nightmare” sound like club and radio rap, electronic synth sounds, singing hooks and average raps about Trel’s life of sex, partying and drug
use. They also feature other up and coming rappers like David Correy and Kirko Bangz. Although Trel has always been known for his poppy tunes, these seem like cop outs toward a mainstream audience. My favorite track is the outro, which tells stories of street regrets and reminiscing, harkening back to older Fat Trel content. Even if the mixtape didn’t seem to fit together, with its many different styles and its clear attempt to appeal to the mainstream, it was still satisfying to see Trel succeed. Even with his tales of ecstasy-filled nights and days trapping in the streets, he is relatable to most of the youth in the DC area. He is approachable, taking pictures with fans anywhere and is often seen at local high schools and shopping malls; we even have mutual friends on Facebook. At concerts you could easily see a diverse audience, with teenagers and 20-somethings of various backgrounds all supporting Trel. Even if this tape seems a little bit like an appeal towards national audiences, at least it is Trel and his team choosing to do so (hopefully) and not a major label; he currently remains signed to a label he helped found a few months ago, DC1135. If this mixtape puts Trel on some big record label roster, no one deserves it more, he has worked hard to gain the respect in the local music scene and even if he does “sell out” (a term I dislike) at least we know he’ll keeping making records for everyone. J-Man Lewis is a producer, artist, and blogger from the DC area. He writes Flockapella, check it out at flockapella.tumblr.com for real talk about real rap.
itors has already discussed building a taller wall around campus to solve the issue.
Fun Fact! This article has more words in it than
an entire semester’s worth of Pillory publications!
OPINION
The Botetourt Squat § Friday, April 6th, 2012 § PAGE 7
EDITORIAL: THUMBS UP, “FAT HEAD” BY EDITORIAL STAFF WE’RE QUITE SERIOUS
Point — Taking masturbation public BY PUBLIUS SENIOR POINTILIST
Recent controversy over Invisible Children co-founder Jason Russell being caught masturbating in public keenly ignores the sound fact that public masturbation is a basic human right. Moralists, Christian fundamentalists, and secular humanists are already throwing up their hands in outrage, but nonetheless there is no reason why public masturbation should still be persecuted in this day and age. The fetters on sexual freedom placed upon us by Victorian sklavenmoral are all but destroyed, with LGBT rights thankfully soon to follow. It astounds that despite the right of Americans to do what they please in the privacy of their bedrooms, the public sphere has not been similarly liberated. There is no sound reason why anyone should be forced to keep basic bodily functions, or parts, private. Our beaches are swarmed with innumerable persons wearing little more than nipple tassels and “banana” hammocks. Indeed, pornography is readily available for mass consumption. It is a lie to insist that sexuality is not for the public domain. Magazine and tele-
vision ads, the shape of Coca-Cola bottles, and the most recent edition of LIPS demonstrate the opposite. Some will argue that allowing public masturbation will traumatize innocent bystanders. This seems a ludicrous argument in a society which consistently engages in warfare against entire nations and allows almost 50 million of its own citizens to live in poverty. Some of our most popular television shows indulge rape and murder fantasies, and children are regularly exposed to horrifying dramatized and sensationalized violence in television and cinema. The mere existence of MTV should defeat such arguments with ease. There is simply no possible excuse for our continued prohibition of public masturbation. Exposure laws are another antiquated taboo which should soon be repealed. Assuming that the spermatozoa and/or vaginal fluids are disposed of properly and sanitarily, public masturbation poses no threat to the public good whatsoever. With luck, our genitalia will be freed once more from the shackles of their oppression. §
Counter-Point — Use your privates in private BY GOLDEN HAIRED NINNY JUNIOR OPINION COLUMNIST?
Now, I don’t think anyone here is advocating a stop to masturbation. As Thomas Jefferson said, “Masturbation is the inalienable right of all white, land-owning males.” Clearly, no one can argue that masturbation is wrong. However, we simply cannot allow ourselves to masturbate in public. I mean, imagine how often you masturbated today. I mean, I myself jerked it 5 times in the shower before classand I’m planning on going at it at least another 9 times today. As you can see, I am a lonely, lonely man. If were allowed, I’d be stroking my dick ‘til it was raw and bleeding, and cumming blood. Between class and work, there are some serious masturbation dry spells in my day that give good ol’ Ralphie Momo time to recover. Not only would I be prevented from harming myself, but imagine how many other lonely people would be wanking all the time. C’mon, we go to William & Mary - we all bear witness to
the highest population density of sad, self-loathing, awkward people. We are all Eleanor Rigby! And we would all be masturbating all the time! There would be semen all over the place! The campus would be flooded with semen! Do you know how inconvenient it would be to wade through all that unrealized baby paste? Not to mention the amount of work that would have to go into cleaning the residue? And how much time and energy it would take to restore all the buildings? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t be able to afford that sharp increase in tuition! Now of course, I know what some of you are thinking. “But wait - isn’t masturbation the path to true enlightenment? Wouldn’t restricting it restrict the number of people who attain oneness with the universe?” Well, duh. But you’re all forgetting the path to inner peace is arduous and must be traversed alone, and as such, so must masturbation. Tenuous argument.
I, along with the staff of the Botetourt Squat, applaud you Fat Head. This rare gesture of sincerity should not be taken lightly, or expected often, but well done, the force is strong with you…or so I thought. Fat Head, WTF mate? Four measly pages? OK, so you started well—the clever name, the shocking headlines, and a picture of Reveley—what could go wrong? You even imply that I can have it my way, at least once a year, with the Burger King logo. So here is how I want it Fat Head: harder, better, faster, stronger, but mostly, just more. More Harry Pottah references, more proud bitching about TWAMPs, more replacing S’s with Z’z, more randomly placed strings of letters to create meaningless words, and most of all, more STD jokes. Why even bother writing a real Flat Hat to conceal inside, you are better than this! Maybe it would work as an April Fool’s joke, but you printed on the second, THE FUCKING SECOND! Perhaps I am mistaken in assuming it was not for lack of vision that you failed to mount the summit of satire, but creativity. Here’s a hint, just throw in a masturbation article, one more about the frats and you’re golden. However, I think we all know creativity is not your problem; it was fucking Michael Ian Black. Here is what I’m thinking happened, you have a great Fat Head lined up, the publishing on April 2nd will throw everyone off guard, and the SA Election scandal article—gold by the way, sheer gold—brings to light a serious issue, but then he shows up. He’s funny, he’s edgy, and wore a great cardigan for the performance, hell, we even considered devoting our entire issue to him. But Fat Head, Fat Head, you are better than this, and your abundance of spelling mistakes confirms this. When I read your articles it is like a night spent with a hot, passionate, sticky (but not too sticky) lover. You seduce me with your headlines and then draw me in with your clever opening lines, and keep me moaning and moaning and moaning. Fat Head, keep writing. We are your biggest fans, and please, if only for me, add us to your fucking TWAMP bracket.
Horrific t-shirt cannon accident derails Griffin auditions BY DARK PALADIN THIS ISN’T AN EDITORIAL
With the student who has played the College’s Griffin mascot for the past few seasons set to graduate this Spring, tryouts for a successor to the role of Griffin Tribesman got off to an inauspicious start Tuesday, as several people were injured in a horrific t-shirt cannon accident at William and Mary Hall. During the first round of tryouts, a student attempting to run through T-Shirt cannon drills with members of the Cheerleading squad tried to get ambitious, stuffing multiple t-shirts into the cannon. When the cheerleader fired into the stands, left empty to replicate in-season conditions, the cannon misfired, jammed, and ultimately exploded in a horrific fireball that spread throughout Kaplan Arena. After firefighters were able to subdue the inferno and medical personnel arrived on scene, it was determined that a dozen students were involved in the accident. Fortunately, there were no fatalities, but in light of the frightening turn of events, the College Athletics Department has suspended tryouts until further notice. §
SPORT?
The Botetourt Squat § Friday, April 6th, 2012 § PAGE 8
Ginger Ambler bored, frustrated, resorts to grand scale petty crimes BY FETA CHEESE SENIOR ADMINISTRATION INVESTIGATOR We all know Ginger Ambler as that lovely woman who tells us when shit goes down on campus. She fills our inboxes with inspiring tales of stabbings, robberies and sexual assaults. When we have lost hope in everything else, we have no doubt that the “Ging” will be there to tell us how much worse our lives actually could be. She’s the voice inside our heads that reminds us that we still live in a dangerous world. Who the fuck am I trying to kid? This is goddamn Williamsburg. Nothing goes on here. Nothing ever has. Ginger Ambler knows it, and so do we. That’s why she did it. Ladies and gentlemen, Ginger Ambler has gone rogue. In a desperate attempt to keep herself entertained at her mediocre day job, Ambler has been committing minor crimes all over campus and reporting them to us as if something legitimate has actually happened. Remember those attacks on Richmond Road? Ginger Ambler. Remember those reported spankings? Also Ginger Ambler, dressed as a drunken frat boy. That rabid raccoon in the heart of the Botetourt complex? Just a batshit crazy raccoon on a bad sleep schedule, but Ginger Ambler probably planted it there. Ginger Ambler has previously gone undetected due to
her stealthy nature, access to the steam tunnels, and the public’s inability to identify her by anything other than her g-mail account. A curious construction worker stumbled upon Ambler’s lair this past weekend and described it as “full of maces, whoopee cushions, lax pennies, and pastel colored shorts.” Sounds like the perfect get-up for a frat boy on the loose. Psychologists have traced Ambler’s obsession with posing as a frat boy to her less than satisfying college experience and that one time when she Jersey Turnpike’d a little too hard at a Pika party during orientation… Reports from anonymous sources indicate that Ginger Ambler’s reign of terror cannot be halted. On Admitted Students Day, Ambler intends on holding Engineering Major information sessions, offering to get coffee with students on the second floor of The Daily Grind, and lecturing on the importance of campus safety on the third floor of Swem. Unsuspecting students will have no choice but to fall victim to Ambler’s crazed antics. Ginger Ambler has now been classified as a Defcon 2.3 terrorist along with Osama Bin Laden’s ghost and Old Greg for her ability to scare and creep out a large mass of people with her listserv emails and constant nagging about filling out surveys. As a side note, she also enjoys drinking Bailey’s from a shoe. The cops are in high pursuit of Ambler as she moves
ambiguously around Williamsburg, entering in and out of the shadows. It is difficult to keep track of Ambler’s location but the cops have been monitoring the use of her fake ID she has been using to buy alcohol “for the thrill of it.” Ambler was last seen posing as Rita Santorum at the nearby Chipotle where she tried to climb over the counter to make her own margarita while declaring war on the porn industry. Our sources indicate that she got white-woman-wasted off Burnett’s right before this incident at one of the unofficial frats by Matoka. Any additional information should be reported to the William and Mary Police. They plan on taking her down. §
Chinese security forces repress self-immolating Tibetan Buddhists with flamethrowers; President tem,” Husaidcites need to ‘fight fire with fire’ one official who wished to remain anonymous BY HERACLITUS PRONOUNCED LIKE CLITORIS
On Tuesday in Tibet, throngs of self-immolating Buddhist monks launched an all-out assault on the Communist Party headquarters in Lhasa in what has proven to be the largest demonstration of unrest since the 2008 Tibetan riots. After dousing their robes in kerosene, somewhere between 39 and 46 monks rushed the party headquarters and police station in downtown Lhasa. The immolators disrupted Communist Arts&Crafts hour, trapping most of the kindergarten cadres inside. The monks managed to scream and writhe enthusiastically on the floor for dozens of seconds before People’s Liberation Army stormtroops arrived at the scene. Luckily, Mao Zedong was a rational and benevolent ruler, and it so happens that it’s Party policy to always keep a Hasbro armory in Communist kindergarten closets; the stormtroops were able to drench those monks who hadn’t already collapsed into piles of ash with SuperSoakers™. In an ironic twist of fate, however, the squirt guns also happened to filled with kerosene, and the monks only burned faster, engulfing the room in putrid, flesh-scented smoke, melting many of the crayons, and totally scorching the construction paper bin. Many government and party officials later complained about it. Chinese authorities have called the attack “totally uncalled for” and “a real dick move.” “These Tibetans have no concept of polite society, or the imperial vassalage sys-
for purely satirical reasons. “We provide a generous social welfare state and infrastructure investment, but these barbarians keep complaining that ‘we’re belligerent, racist imperial overlords’ and ‘we’re actively trying to destroy their religion and traditional way of life.’ Propagarbage like that really grinds my gears.” In collusion with Peking University’s think-tank The Chinaman’s Burden, the CCP recently published an exhaustive academic study on Tibetan unrest. Using a survey of Communist Party leaders, the report found that Buddhist monks have incredibly low self-esteem and “seem willing do just about anything to get attention.” Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao hailed the study as “right on the money” and “an accurate account of the kind of pain in the Party’s collective ass these hood-rats have been over the past few years.” Though he had previously vowed to pursue a peaceful publicity campaign aimed at “winning over ordinary Tibetan hearts and minds,” after the incident PRC President Hu Jintao declared, “the only thing these Buddhist fanatics understand is force.” He continued, “we’ve tried appealing to their natural desire to partake in our superior culture, we’ve tried thought correction summer camps, we’ve tried outright and structural bribery, we’ve explicitly tried to outbreed them in their own country, et cetera. Obviously we need to start playing the game by their rules.” The day after the incident, that Wednesday, another small group of monks attempted to demonstrate in front of the station, setting themselves on fire. Chinese security
forces were able to douse the flames quickly and captured the Tibetans alive. The local Party secretary arrived on the scene and had the PLA stormtroops beat the monks furiously, beating them up pretty bad. The monks were subsequently annihilated by Communist flametanks and napalm. The party secretary could be seen smirking in the corner, barking to the soldiers, “shock and awe, boys, shock and awe.” what what what is someone stop or maybe give
what what happening this madness us paid layout
I CAN’T STOP SEEING MOTHER’S VAGINA IN RORSCHACH TEST BY DR RALPHIE MOMO HE THREATENED TO HURT US Dear Readers. Lovely succulent readers. Have you ever heard of these things called Rorschach tests? Of course you have. You guys are young students bursting at the seams with academia. I don’t have the luxury of being an educated student. I’m just a vagabond held against my will by the Squat staff members. Had I known what a Rorschach test was maybe I’d have a chance. About two weeks ago I was informed that if I wanted to continue to work for The Squat I would have to undergo a series of visits to a therapist. It was brought
to my attention that I not only have a problem with my anger but that I am also a real bummer when I’m drunk. I’m just no fun when I drink they said. Readers, let me ask you, is reciting old Byronic poetry while drunk really that much of a downer? So I went to el therapisto. We talked and all that jazz, and all of a sudden the therapist whips out some paintings and tells me to tell him what I see. Then he just kept showing me pictures of my mom’s vagina! Let me tell you right now, I was miffed. Real miffed. The first thing I did was pull out my cell phone and call my dad. “How would you even know what your mother’s vagina would like son? Also, stop using this number”
Very funny dad. I was humiliated, downtrodden, angry, and most of all I was confused about whether or not I was wearing underwear. Needless to say I wasn’t having the best day, so it comes to no surprise that the next thing I know I’m just wil’n out and just straight going at the therapist. “Oh God, Oh God, the results of these sessions aren’t publicized, no one had to know about your inability to see anything but your mother’s vagina in these tests! Stop hitting me! Very funny therapist. I guess you were wrong about the not being publicized thing. Because I went and publicized it. Guess you don’t know everything after all
do you? Therapist nil, Ralphy Momo.. a zillion kazillion. Game. Set. Match. Touchdown. Let us take a break from all this light hearted tomfoolery. I’m asking you, dear readers, sweet sweet readers, do you have any drugs strong enough to release me of these horrifying memories? Whenever I shut my eyes it’s there, mommy’s snatch just looking at me like a vertical eye of Sauron. It’s always watching me. It knows my next move even before I do. It mocks me. So please, please, if you have any sort of mind altering medications are extreme hypnotic techniques that will rid me of this torture please... call me. But only if you’re hot. §