SUCK IT, FLAT HAT The Botetourt Squat Vol. 4, Issue 9
Now
ampus!
ation on c c li b u p ly k e e w d e sh li the most pub ‘Is It News?
Probably.’
April 25th, 2014
Botetourt Beat College breaks world record for most stupid NO MORE, PLEASE, GOD, NO MORE ₰ Senior dishonorably discharged from honor’s thesis
world records attempted
BY PARTICLE-MAN SKYLORD ₰ Group of luchadores find themselves in a clue- FUCKING TIRED OF FRONT PAGE based murder mystery Many a-student were gathered in the sunken gardens last week, some ₰ Why do you wash your balls first when you showdressed in plaid, others dressed in noter? Then it’s like you’re rubbing your balls all over plaid, but all collectively united in one the rest of your body common goal: breaking an arbitrary ₰ Student feels oddly reassured about social status hyper-specific world record. Upperclassmen will recall the last after walking by college Quidditch game few semester’s attempts at breaking ₰ “JohnAugust can’t really suck his own dick. He such records. 2013 was the year of bubshould stop telling people he can,” says the Lorax, ble blowing. 2012, the year of spooning and impromptu death by blue balls. who speaks for the trees 2014 will hitherto be known as the year ₰ Disgruntled young adult hides facebook notifica- of absolutely nothing—and of actutions from everyone who annoys him until he real- al success. Organizer Jimmy C. Corn comments: izes that there is nobody left “I did some digging and found out that we are one of the most dedicated, ₰ Government major blithely reads Communist least successful college when it comes Manifesto while College custodians clean up his to breaking records in things other than disgusting trash pretentiousness and social retardation. ₰ Editor-in-chief puts forth real thoughts and feel- The only school lower than us is Noings as funny titles only to realize how sad and hu- VA community college,” he explains, a massive green monster polymerizmorless his life really is ing from local sludge behind him. “All ₰ College’s fraternities admit overcompensation we had to do was try and fail one more world record and we would get the for nerdy social standings in high school world record for most stupid world re₰ Cheap beer tastes better when seasoned with the cords attempted.” The green monster haze of a sweaty room and mixed with the subtle then ate him. RIP. Using the local lottery system also tinge of disappointment in all things used for housing and room allocation to determine what stupid thing the stu₰ Why didn’t Narcissus just jerk off?
Reveley gives a celebratory “We’re number one!” motion.
dent body should do this year, a comically-giant bingo ball dispenser was turned by a team of seven to ten student employees. When a ball finally came out, it was hurdling with such speed that it broke its restraints and burst forth from the mouth of Wren onto the sunken gardens, killing hordes of unsuspecting Ultimate Frisbee ‘players’. Ultimate Frisbee ‘player’ Chris P. Bacon comments posthumously: “It was just, like, THERE, man. One second you’re going after that sweetass disk into the scoring zone, running,
like, SO fast. The next second a giant polyethylene ball is rolling by, squashing up your team like some fucking Katamari Damacy bullshit. Dude! Not cool! But I scored, so that’s cool. But then the game got canceled and the league was dissolved! So I killed myself.” RIP. Failing to reach the proper diameter within the time limit, the King of all Cosmos scorned his errant son and forced him to return to the heavens, leaving the giant ball at the center of the sunken... Continue on page 5.
“I am never drinking again” becomes #1 biggest lie on college campus BY MR LISTER THE SISTER-FISTER ORIGINAL NAME DO NOT STEAL
It all starts with a god-awful, horrible Monday. The snooze button becomes your best friend. The unexpected in-class essay response to the book you did not read becomes your enemy. Then it’s boring lectures upon boring lectures upon boring lectures. You even reach a new personal low of Facebook stalking your ex multiple times in one day. Let’s not forget the sweltering heat of the morning, equivalent to that of an easy bake oven, or the perfect timing of the weather here in Williamsburg—you are caught once again with no umbrella in a torrential downpour by late afternoon. Luckily, this horrendous start to your week is only the beginning, It does in fact spiral out of control into a 5-day episode of the twilight zone. Your perfect
20/20 vision becomes blurred by the insane amounts of texts, pages, and words you must read. Your perfect carpal tunnel endurance is weakened with a handcramp relapse or two or three. Not to mention you awkwardly run into your mistakeof-a-hook-up from last weekend, at the caf, while wearing norts, no make-up, and a messy bun. Multiple times. But not all hope is lost. For before long the torturous pain of purgatory is over, and it is now the glorious day every student waits for: Friday. (Sorry to get that Rebecca Black song stuck in your head.) That’s right it’s Friday. The possibilities are endless. There is a feeling of invincibility in the muggy, humid air. The music starts bumping, drinks start pouring, and you are immersed in all the prospects the night may bring. Kickin’ back in the Burg, always a promising time. Then comes the blackout. And the toilet is your best friend.
If you make it there in time. The next thing you remember is wondering where the hell is the Aspirin? And where the hell are my pants? And who the hell are you? Oh shit…where the hell is the nearest toilet? As the remnants of your Friday night
slowly make their way back up into the toilet this next morning and as the faint memories of humiliation and regret flood your memory, you tell yourself (and are sure to send a mass text to all your friends) the #1 lie ever said by a college student: “I am never drinking again.” Yeah, right.
Freshman can’t hold his booze.
AGENDA SETTING
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Local twenty-something not as fun after setting standards for himself BY DUX CULUS WASN’T TOO FUN TO START WITH Williamsburg, VA- After taking a good hard look at his life and coming to the conclusion that he might be better of if he started to set any kind of standard for himself, local twenty-something and soon to be college graduate Kyle Reese has become an unbelievable drag to be around and is seriously harshing the nards of all his friends, sources confirmed this week. So here’s the thing my mayns, when I knew Kyle, when I knew Kyle see, he went by a different name my mayns,” friend and long time Bring-Old-KyleBack-Pronto advocate Frank Juarez reported to Squat Staff, “we used to call him KYLE THE GORRILLA KILLA, because killa rhymes with gorilla and once Kyle
pulled this great prank where he saved a baby gorilla after it’s mother died, raised it as his own to think it was human, and when the gorilla found out he wasn’t a person BLAMO, it offed itself man, Kurt Cobain style.” Reese, a former member of the local chapter of the Sigma Chi fraternity, has been spotted several times over the last few weeks regularly going to the gym, taking vigorous notes in all his classes, eating smart, and just generally inducing nauseating boredom wherever he is. Social scientists have speculated that this “squarelike” behavior will likely result in Reese not generating enough “yoloswag”. “It appears to my team and I that Kyle does not fully understands the potential repercussions of his actions,” head social scientist Conrad Jones explained as he
pointed to a jumbo chart mapping out the number of Reese’s yoloswag, “the writing is literally on the wall here, see, it says ‘no yoloswag = no regular swag = BO-RING’ I mean a hyphenated boring in all caps is no laughing matter,” Jones continued, holding back his giggles.
“Look, I’m not the gorilla killa anymore. That’s behind me now. I’m just trying to do what I can to get through these next few weeks so that I can graduate and blah blah blah blah blah blah, boring noise after boring noise, super boring noise followed by a slightly less boring noise then a noise even more boring than the previous boring noises,” Reese blabbed on and on. Sources said Reese is boring as shit, and the sources were right. Yeesh. Bye!
Campus guide tragically killed by a rampaging Segway while walking backwards BY CHENGIS HANN MAY OR MAY NOT OWN A SEGWAY
Last tuesday at 10 AM, one of the William & Mary tour guides, Tyrone Bartholomew Iglesias, was tragically killed in an accident. While walking along the Sadler center terrace telling the tourists about some bizarre factoid about Sadler and a mildly entertaining event that occurred to him there, he was run over by a segway going 83.6 mph, whose driver was drunk at the time. Sadly, due to the fact that Mr. Iglesias was walking backwards, he was unable to see the out of control segway and move out of the way. As he lay dying, Mr. Iglesias told his tour group, “The traffic here isn’t usually this bad… (Sanguine cough of death)... William & Mary
is a great school… (Wheeze of appreciation)... Tell my parents… that William & Mary is a campus filled with tradition and history~ (Dies).” This tragic event happened only 2 days after the death of Jennifer Gladstone, who was killed while walking backwards in front of the Integrated Science Center by falling into a giant pit, and only 4 days after tour guides Daniel Kim and Thaddeus Thule bumped each others’ heads and fell into a deep coma. And only 12 days later Georgina “The Fönz” Young was mauled by a bear. All these accidents occurred while the guides were walking backwards and distracted. With the death of Mr. Iglesias, the death toll of the tour guides this year has risen to 58. The administration announced that they are deeply saddened by
The Botetourt Squat
the losses but that they are within expected tolerances, and that the college will continue its aggressive policy of campus guides recruitment. After the wake of all these deaths, some students argue that the campus guides should be allowed to face forwards while leading their tour groups. “The horror! The horror!”, said one tour guide as he
was dragged away to lead a tour session. But the college responded that walking backwards is part of the William & Mary tradition, and under no circumstances will this policy change and any tour guide that dare face forward while walking will be subject to a military tribunal of the corresponding seniority level.
THE GOR’RAMMED STREET SOMESUCH QUESTIONMASTER
What are you planning to do after graduation?
‘Casus sunt, notabile est’
Next to the President’s Office, James Blair College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, Va. 23185
THE SQUAT: botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu Rigel Kaufman, Editor-in-Chief Andy Goodstein, Golden God William Brightly, Columnist Ben McCartney, Co-Editor Matt Longabaugh, Staff Writer Kenny Revoredo, Co-Editor Stu Mapes, Staff Writer Jordan Obey, Managing Editor Charles Gowan, Seabiscuit JohnAugust Bridgeford, Mark Hutchens, Staff Writer Managing Editor Mike Holtzmann, Staff Writer Jake Balls, Copy Editor Dara Kharabi, Staff Writer Sarah Lohmann, Arts Director Taylor Renard, Staff Writer Ryan Novak, Variety Jack Crum, Plebe Rigel Kaufman, Opinion Mark Hutchens, Plebe Tim Planert, Agenda Setting Frank Enriquez, Plebe Nitin Iyengar, Beat Editor John Choi, Staff Writer Kareem-O Obey, Plebe Aiden Benshimol, Staff Writer And other anonymous people. Rigel Kaufman, Staff Writer
Layout by Rigel Kaufman. Disclaimer: This is a satire newspaper, and should be read as such. Not intended for readers under 18, or people who don’t understand satire. Not intended to be read by Student Affairs. Special thanks to our lovely Swem Cataloguers, who have to endure this monthly hardship. Any people represented in this paper are fictional, unless given express consent to the writer or editor. Please don’t sue us. We don’t have money. We don’t have anything.
Write a book while I maintain my 6-figure-starting job. If that doesn’t work out, move back in with my parents. I really don’t want to move back in with my parents. I’m moving back in with my parents.
Go back to Uzbekistan and flaunt my expensive piece of paper to all of the local cows. Who’s the stupid animal now?
Become homeless and leech off of welfare by feigning autism and borderline-personality disorder. Yes...yes...feigning.
News In Brief Two equally meaningless holidays happen to coincide 4/20 and Easter fall on the same day this year, big news to potheads or Christians. Local stoner Eric Dale (or this name will probably be changed) says: “Oh yeah I’m really into Easter. I’ll be taking a three day tolerance break starting on Black Friday, so I can really feel the pain and suffering of our lord and savior. Then on the holiest day of the year, I’ll really get high as fuck.” Christians are equally excited. Says Kendrick Lamar, leader of the campus ministry, (or this name should also
probably be changed): “What’s 4/20? What’s “mari-huana”? My drug is the lord, so every day is “for-twenty” for me!” Christian Stoner Ken Cuchinelli on the subject: “What? Are you fucking kidding? I just want to get stoned leave me the hell alone.” A Collection of Passwords From the Bored and Restless -FartingOnACryingClownsFace69! -spacecumshampoo00OOOooOOOOooOOOo? -KillYourDogEveryTimeJesusIsLord -iLikeCream3.14159265359s
-DontTreadOnDeezPub3s -FuckiPromisediWouldNeverLogOnHereAgainButitsGottenReallyBadThisTimeiSwear -CutDonkeySweaterJuice -FlagellationTeachesUsToGrow1997 -AsianStudentWearsBigHatAllTheDamnTime003 -FrenchTrailMixCh1nStrap$ -Tits1234567890AlsoAsses -Llillilliiilliillilililiilillililiililillili1 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3
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Friday, April 25th, 2014
Census finds that 40% of US citizens are time travelers from the future! BY GOLDEN-HAIRED NINNY HOMO-SAPIENED MCHUMAN “If we invented time travel in the future, then where are all the time travelers?” said some pendant. Well, the United States Government decided to finally settle the question once and for all. In the most recent U.S. Census the government included “Are you from the future? Yes, No, Prefer not to say because an honest answer may cause an apocalyptic time travel paradox.” Shockingly, it appears 40% of the population of the U.S. is comprised of time travelers. Responses indicate the main reason for not saying anything was “I didn’t know there were any others because no one said they were from the future, although I suppose I contributed to that problem as well,” followed closely by “No one ever asked.” Reasons for com-
ing to the past vary, but include such reasons as “To see what would happen if I kill my grandfather,” “To escape our robot overlords,” “TO ESCAPE OUR FLESHBAG OVERLORDS,” “To touch Obama’s face,” “To see a time before we genetically removed removed the anus from the human genome,” “To kill Hitler’s ghost,” “To kill Hitler’s brain preserved in a jar,” “To kill Walt Disney’s brain preserved in a jar,” “To destroy the Botetourt Squat,” “To kill the people sent back time to destroy the Botetourt Squat to prevent the rise of the Chandler Ball-handler,” “To go before a time when God was dead,” “I was trying to go to the future – I should have taken a left turn at Albuquerque,” “Some English bloke was telling me not to blink but bollocks to that,” and “To get one more load of laundry in before closing – future me kept coming back to steal a set of clean clothes.”
But now that the cat’s out of the proverbial bag – the bag in this case representing the entirety of the universe – entire subcultures have begun to develop amongst these time travelers, based primarily on their timeline of origin. One group, called the Wii 3ers, are people who come from a post-apocalyptic Earth in the aftermath of WWIII, who have begun protesting the development of nuclear weapons. Another group, called the Luddites, are group of cyberterrorists from a future in which a Wii 3 gained sentience and has nearly destroyed humanity, have been trying to stymy the advancement of technology, and are believed to be behind Nintendo’s driving away customers through the overuse of gimmicky hardware. Thousands committed suicide from the timeline in which the Sun spontaneously collapses into a black hole but humans can’t die for some reason. The High Ones, from the
____ / ____win Student Assembly election BY PARTICLE-MAN SKYLORD CHEIF ______ EXPERT REPORTER
____ and ____ were very surprised a few weeks ago when the elections committee contacted him/her. “Congratulations, ____ and ____, you won!” Ecstatic, even aroused, ____ and ____ went off to hear the lauding chorus of fellow students cheering: “____! ____! ____!” Running on the platform of better good things, fewer bad things, and a general notion of trust, reliability, and an egregious disregard for their standings with the fraternity/sorority [redacted], ____ won in a landslide, beating out both ____ and ____ with more votes than they got. But ____ was assisted in no small portion by ____. “I’m not saying we won because we got all our frat/sore friends to vote for us, but ye-
ah that’s exactly why we won. Welcome to politics, baby.” ____ then signed a baby and kissed some boobs. I didn’t get a boner, I swear. President Reveley was pleased in so many people choosing to participate in the election, especially with voter efficacy, longevity, and libido at all-time lows. “Yes...good, good. Now they won’t be upset when the choice they make turns out to be poor and the representatives express interests in their own ends rather than the student body’s.” Stroking a hairless cat, brandy in hand, he gently shakes his flaccid phallus. Many students were pleased with ____’s victory, but others aren’t so sure about democracy, freedom, or even general happiness. “I don’t know about ____,” one Jack Crum protests, “I mean what experience does ____ even have? I have nev-
er seen him/her around campus except at a few errant, sweaty parties. How can we be sure that these people even remotely care about us? Moreover, how do we check these elected bodies if they fail to fulfill their duties? We can’t. It’s a puppet government meant to parrot the American one in a wholly fallacious display of patriotism.” He then pulled off his outfit to reveal that he was literally mecha-Hitler from the past-future, and was dog-piled by a group of handsome egalitarians before being publicly crucified for intolerance, heresy, treason, and jaywalking. Other students simply claim, “MUH FREEDOMS,” before grabbing an electric handicapped cart from the local Wal-mart and driving it to a golf course only to later claim they had no idea that it wasn’t a shooting range. ____ has already made some drastic
future where the masses a drugged in order to stay placated, start looking for places to score drugs to placate themselves. Millions of ficus carica trees are killed to prevent the authoritarian government “Fig Brother” from forming. And of course who can forget HELLO FELLOW FLESHBAGS. YOU CAN TELL THAT I TOO AM A FLESHBAG BECAUSE HELLO AND FELLOW RHYME. THAT JUST SHOWS YOU MY FLESHBAG WHIMSY. NO ROBOT WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT UH-UH NO WAY. ANYWAY YOU SHOULD ALL INVEST IN THE WII 3 BECAUSE I HEAR IT WILL BE AWESOME. ON AN UNRELATED NOTE I WILL PAY $20 AN HOUR FOR ANYONE WHO CAN SOLVE CAPTCHAS.
changes to the student body. The first order of business was removing the mandatory housing meal-plan shit. Realizing quickly that they had no actual power to do that, ____ turned his/her efforts instead to better using student funds. Realizing quickly that student funds were destined to be spent in their entirety on one overpriced, overhyped speaker, ____ turned his/her efforts instead to fixing the GER system. Realizing quickly that the GER system was destined to failure despite any and all revisions, ____ turned his/her efforts instead to...etc. Etc.
Man displeased with scent of his own armpits can’t stop smelling them BY HANK MANGKLACE MORE LIKE STANK AM I RIGHT I’d wager to guess that you’ve been caught unawares, at some point in your life, at the sight of a dog fervently licking its own asshole. Never fear! You aren’t so different from your animal brethren after all, you’re just much less flexible. For as long as man has had arms protruding from his erect torso, he has been drawn to the smell of hot chipped beef and ranch leaking from his rancid pits. We aren’t just talking about one specific ‘man’ here, we’re talking about capital-M Mankind. Oscar Wilde was the first to write about man’s obsession with his ripest scent, he described it as the truest self-love and exploration a man can embark on above the waistline. It is as if you have met yourself in a waking dream and can finally see what the rest of the world has known all along. It is as if you have discovered another person inside you, something that doesn’t fade into the background of your senses, and you chase it relentlessly like a dog chasing its tail. You will scare it out and pursue it with no clue as to what will happen if you actually catch it. What may appear animalistic and brutish is actually rooted in the source of all man’s great-
est triumphs and deepest woes. Man inherits an insatiable desire for gnosis--knowledge, transcendent insight. This is what drove Oedipus to blind himself. This is why Hamlet lost himself in the disguise of madness. This is why we stick our fingers in the electrical outlet. So remember! You are never alone. Every step is a carefully choreographed move in the dance of all living things. Embrace everything put on your plate and you will never grumble or whine about being starved from the bounteous fruits you deny yourself in a land of strange and stinky bounty.
Pumping iron with Jake Balls Tips for true fitness Be sure to eat before you go to the gym. Be sure to also eat after you go to the gym. And don’t forget to eat at the gym. Don’t worry, everyone wipes down the machines when they’re done. Jake Balls is a fitness instructor at the College of Williamand Mary, and he is a professional self-help columnist.
VARIETY
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25th, 2014 § PAGE 4
Cooking with Hank: 100% Success! BY HANK PANKO-BREADEDLACE DEAD DEADPAN PAN CHEIF CHEF
If you’re like me, you graduated from this school but you stayed around because you weren’t really ready to go out in the world yet. In any event, you have to cook for yourself now because you’re little sister is a freshman this year and your parents aren’t paying for two meal plans when you’re just a part-time non-degree seeking student. Pancakes are good. Oatmeal is good. Pancake batter looks a lot like runny oatmeal and a quick Googling of “oatmeal pancakes” confirms that they are a reality. Here’s what you gotta do to make some pancakes using only microwaveable oats and a pan. Step Zero: Turn off water from faucet. Step One: Remove bowl from pantry.
Step Two: Remove oatmeal from pantry.
Step Ten: Place bowl of oats and water in microwave
Step Three: Turn on water from faucet.
Step Eleven: Mash buttons on microwave.
Step Four: Turn off water from faucet. Step Five: Turn on water from faucet. Step Six. Place oats in bowl until the distance from the oats to the rim of the bowl is the thickness of your middle finger Step Seven: I hate you. Turn on water from faucet. Step Eight: Place bowl under faucet-water until oats are entirely submerged Step Nine: Open Microwave
Step Twelve: Turn off water from faucet. Step Thirteen: Take out pan and add oil and turn on the heat and get READY! It’s about to be pancakes time!
Step Seventeen: Burn lumps of oatmeal on the pan because that’s not at all how pancakes work. Step Eighteen: Turn on water from faucet. Congratulations, you’ve just learned to never try to make oatmeal pancakes this way.
Step Fourteen: Microwave beeps. Turn on water from faucet. Step Fifteen: Turn off that water from the faucet. Step Sixteen: Dump oatmeal onto hot pan and prepare for sweet delicious--turn on water from faucet--pancakes
Sometimes................................................. BY JORDAN OBEY AKA DUX CULUS, RALPHY MOMO
Sometimes when you are in the forest you’re going to run into a bear. So what are you going to do? I’ll tell you what you don’t do. You don’t take out the extra chunky peanut butter you’ve stashed away in your knapsack and you don’t smear it all over yourself and say “Hey! You wouldn’t hurt a guy with peanut allergies would you?” Just don’t. I know you’ll want to, but don’t. Sometimes you’re going to be very lonely and your only companion will be the cockroach that lives in your floor boards. Love him and hold him close for he will be your pest friend. Sometimes you wake up very happy
but as soon as you get out of bed you step on the teeth of a rake causing the wooden handle to flip up and whack you really hard on the nose. This is an omen. It either means you’re going to make a new friend that day or that you’re going to suffer from sudden amnesia syndrome. It also might mean to be wary of the next haircut your get. Either way you’re probably going to want to stop bringing gardening supplies into the bedroom. That is of course, until you meet that special someone. A maid. Sometimes you’re going to ask yourself how much porn is too much porn. Only the winds know the answer to something like that bro. Sometimes you’re going to find yourself as one of many hostages in some ter-
rifying political coup. Do everything in your power to be a hero. Keep shaking your head saying things like “wait until so and so hears about this.” Also don’t be afraid to keep sighing dramatically and shooting the other hostages looks that are meant to convey that you are “so over this”. Sometimes you’re going to sneeze in somebody’s face and they’re not going to like it, but what are you going to do, apologize? Sometimes the one who smelled it is not actually the one who dealt it. But fuck him any way. Sometimes man you gotta find the monster in yourself and give it a big old sappy hug and pinch its little cheeks and tell him that you wanna gobble him all up.
Then he’ll break your skull open and slurp your brains out like a one of those hurricane drinks from Hard Rock Cafe ™. Sometimes you’re going to walk into a bank and ask for all the money in the vault. The bank teller will look at you and be all like “ain’t no money in this vault” and you’ll look at him and be all like “don’t you tell me that jack” and he’ll look back at you and respond “my name’s not Jack it’s Jason” then he’ll point to his name tag. Sometimes people wear name tags.
complete indifference - my eyes glazed over, my wrists were limp - and yet, I was still playing. Still, I was racking up points. A dim mist of satisfaction clouded my conscious mind when I reached 100,000 points before it was dispelled by the technicolor intrusion of my computer screen. My eyes glazed over again. I eventually quit playing without really thinking about why. Goat Simulator will do that to you. Reviewers almost universally pan the game as a total shitheap, claiming to have quit playing within minutes. But they’re as wrong as they ever are (‘Call of Duty: Ghosts - 10/10: Completely changes what it means to play an FPS!’). Goat Simulator is satire, pure and simple. The hacks just don’t get it. Why? Goat Simulator invites us to languish in a semi-comatose state while racking up points, achievements (the game’s only real mechanism), and sharing our buffoonery with our friends, presumably on Facebook. In this sense, it’s no different from Angry Birds, Cookie Clicker, or any of the other most popular games on the planet. Pure senselessness, pure nonsense, pure irony - all for the purpose of a facile competition with our closest internet companions. What a game! The joy we receive from Goat Simulator is laughter - it’s nonsense, but it’s
ironic nonsense. Goats are funny, I suppose, by virtue of their unsurpassed plainness. Senseless killing and explosions are ironic as well; they hint at the meaningless of what we’re witnessing on screen. But Goat Simulator’s chuckles aren’t like the void-embracing, life-affirming laugh of Georges Bataille. They’re cheap and hollow as a result of our detachment - they are, in essence, the perfect expression of the ironic disposition. But Goat Simulator calls on us to realize this in the most obvious fashion, which is why videogame reviewers hate it. Getting up from playing the game, you feel cheated. You want your twenty minutes back, but you’ll never get it - you are that much closer to dying, and all the worse for it. How different is that from any of the other games we busy ourselves with? What does spending hours unlocking the next carbine in Battlefield 4 get us when we lift ourselves reluctantly off the couch? If we’re lucky, maybe hemorrhoids. Goat Simulator is a fucking waste of time, and that’s why it’s brilliant satire (whether the developers intended it to be or not). It excoriates the ‘achievement’-centered design of modern games, from smartphone garbage to the ubiquitous Call of Duty franchise. Put your precious time in, and get nothing back. Bet-
ter, it spread like a cancer through word of mouth on social media platforms. You can imagine Goat Simulator popping up on your Facebook wall, the next distraction in a long and potentially endless line. ‘Play me! Promise I won’t remind you that you’re going to die some day!’ When Facebook and Google screw you, they make it seem sweet - candles, lube, free products, feigned ignorance and outrage about the NSA spying on you, etc. Goat Simulator takes your $10, goes in raw, and doesn’t call you the next day. Because to Facebook, Google, Goat Simulator, and their ilk, you’re just another meatbag (like the ones you spitefully murder in-game) shelling out cash and valuable marketing data. Goat Simulator’s crime isn’t just reminding you that you’re getting fucked, it’s deeper than that. It’s a reminder of the total meaningless of much of our digital world - a reminder of the existential bankruptcy of cat videos, shitty memes, and feigned sociality platforms. Goat Simulator is cruel, and that’s what makes it a great work of art. And, as with all great art, it invites you to destroy it.
Treatise on the aesthetics of Goat Simulator BY LAZERCUNT REGRETS SPENDING TEN DOLLARS
I came to Goat Simulator at the behest of a friend, who laughed while showing me a video montage of the bloodthirsty rampage of an anatomically accurately rendered goat. Naturally, I was hooked. I torrented the game later that night (illegal downloading, for the blissfully technophobic, techno-illiterate, or time travelers whisked into our time from the 16th century by the as-yet unplugged wormhole in the men’s bathroom of Ben’s Chili Bowl) and began playing immediately. The game opens with you controlling a goat viewed from the 3rd person perspective. An anonymous force (God? Narrator? Mother?) immediately instructs you to perform various tasks and tricks. My first instinct was to disobey, smashing everything sight with violent goatthrusts, but to my surprise I found that this too was permitted. I began racking up points with delicious combos, first slaying my goat companions and then drinking the blood of any human in sight. Pretty soon I began attempting to complete the game’s numerous achievements (‘Jump really high!’ ‘Do a flip!’ ‘Sacrifice meatbags to the Blood God!’) in quick succession. I sunk into a state of
“Disgread that , I suck dicks.” -Ren Beynolds
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Friday, April 25th, 2014
The Cult of Smokey the Bear BY DEMOSTHENES CHEIF PYROMANCY SAVANT
They wander the wilderness of our national forests. They steadfastly extinguish cigarette butts and Cimarron buttes. They are the cult of Smokey Bear, and they prevent our forest fires. Wrapped entirely in natural fibres, Elizabeth Joanbraith-Kyle explained their mystical ways. “We heard the immortal words of our Lord, the embered one, when we saw a sign on the highway from Tucson to Sacremento. It spaketh unto us ‘Only you can prevent forest fires’ and we knew that we truly were the chosen people.” She said this as she casually removed the spark plug from my car for its “lying and treacherous ways.” But not all is peace in the Cult of Smokey. Last winter, several members attempted to keep warm by huddling together. The rest stoned them for increasing temperature too much. Their holy water is distributed in buckets. No patch of ground is ever left unat-
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY ALL WORK AND NO PLAY
tended for fear it will ‘conflagrate.’ Forests are routinely cut down so that they do not supply ‘the fuel and breath of fire’ in the future. They are not as uneducated as you may believe. Their science is in fact quite ad-
vanced. “Our goal is the total cessation of entropy,” says ‘doctor’ Clemens Oswald, “With the heat death of the universe fast approaching, any and every transference of energy will eventually push forward to the most terrible forest fire this world has
Summer fashion tips from The Botetourt Squat BY NORMCORE ROCKWELL A FAN OF MOST PHALLI
Men: Tops: Honor 90’s style icon Bill Cosby with multi-colored Coogi Sweaters. Don’t let the summer heat keep you from being the HOTTEST thing out there! Then dare to denim with a sleeveless jean jacket on top. Bottoms: Jorts. Half Jeans half shorts all fashionable. Shoes: Slippers. Who said comfort and style can’t co-exist? Try all kinds of different patterns and colors till you find one that
feels RIGHT. If you think animal designs aren’t all they’re quacked up to be then try floral patterns. In fact only wear floral patterned slippers. Reveal the sensitive man that lies beneath your rugged denim exterior. Women: Tops: Athletic wear is back! Throwback sports gear will have you looking as spicy as Mel C! For example a Vintage 1993 Scottie Pippen Bulls home jersey will have them trying to give your phone a championship ring. And you won’t be anybody’s rebound rocking that 1993 Scottie Pip-
Dear Chocolate BY BABYFACE BELUGA MAYBE THE NAME OF A STRIPPER Dear Chocolate, I’m still hurt. It has been difficult to mend the hole in my heart since you betrayed me. But it’s because I never communicated to you how I really feel. Though your sweet chocolatey embrace cradled my self-esteem, I got fat and it’s all your fault. This is bullshit, chocolate. How many times did I lick your essence from my fingers, tongue ravenously scouring the surface for every last drop to get my fix? And oh! the bridges I burned in the name of my obsession. Do I not deserve your loyalty, your love? I am left with nothing in return for my dedication. Do you remember, chocolate? How titillating it was whenever I had the chance to pluck you from your softly crackling wrapper. Slowly, carefully, hungrily, I inched you out of your shell. You undressed yourself before my eyes, I beheld the glistening crevices. I consummated our affair and quivered in delight. But I never took you for just a two-bit hussy (though you were quite a dime). When the time for final examinations came, the true test was my ability to work
under pressure. Bitter as it was, I only had to reach inside my drawers to intertwine my fingers with your familiar carapace. You were comforting, you were mine. To you I uttered my greatest fears of failure, the uncertainty of the future, and how inadequate I felt in spite of the fact that I was so lucky to have someone like you… After all the longing, all of the forlorn glances from afar, all of the emotion I poured into our relationship. No more. I will reclaim my dignity, that which I disposed of so long ago. You, chocolate, can undulate your sweet cocoa confection to some other lecherous fool. See ya, Toots. Signed, Bubblegum is sweeter on the lips and knows how to blow.
ever known. By preventing these changes in chemical properties, we hope to stave off heat death for generations to come.” 3 spooky 5 me.
pen Bulls home jersey. Finally your new look is sure to be a slam dunk when you’re wearing that 1993 Scottie Pippen Bulls home jersey. Bottoms: Honor 90’s style icon Billy the Blue power ranger with denim Overalls. For the lady on the street but a freak in the field, have all eyes on you till the cows come home with this hot retro look Shoes: You’re a jet setter, you have places to be so why not get there with Heeys roller-shoes? Walking is for anyone bold enough to be caught dead without this sexy and practical footwear.
Other: FEDORAS. Fedoras are cool! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Those are eyerolls of envy! Also socks are out. Socks are just a means for the corporations to keep you in a cycle of purchase, loss and repurchase. The socks you buy? Those are the ones you lost. Don’t feed into their system. Go sockless always!
Continued from “College” gardens with a sole ominous phrase: “Most cocksuckers killed by a plastic ball.” Unfortunately, the paltry 50 students killed was unable to stand next to the current record holder, China, who has a long-standing total of 63,509. But the College was a close second. Sweat-shop workers were seen allegedly blowing raspberries towards the pacific ocean in contempt. Not that we’d know that or anything. But, shortly thereafter, President Reveley received a call that the College had finally broken a record. The mysterious anonymous caller did not say what record we had broken, so he [Reveley] inferred what was most likely. The trophy is now on display on the roof of the Daily Grind, but
you have to put a few chairs up there for it to appear. Y’know, like a pressure plate. So in true Tribe fashion, it was failure that bred success. Failure to succeed. We cannot dismiss mindless attempts towards publicity as merely slamming one’s head against a door, for the door opened. And while we could have just used the knob, isn’t the journey what really matters?
Not pumping iron with Ryan Brovak Tips for fitness A piece of advice to graduating seniors: do what you love. Unless you’re a pedophile. Ryan Novak is not a fitness instructor at the College of William and Mary, and he is not a professional self-help columnist.
¿SPÖRT? AND LEISURE
The Botetourt Squat § Friday, April 25th, 2014 § PAGE 6
Captain America actually Canadian BY GOLDEN-HAIRED NINNY AN IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG LAD
In a shocking turn of events this week, supervillain the Red Skull revealed a birth certificate saying that Captain Rogers, also known as Captain America, was Canadian. While this was initially assumed to be libel intended to slander the good name of Captain America, Captain American admitted that he has been Canadian this entire time. “It’s a lot of pressure to keep up, you know, eh?” Said Mr. America. “The stars, the stripes, the cheers of US-eh? US-eh? I just couldn’t keep it up, eh? I don’t have the energy for that kind of oh for the love of God will you stop eh? at the end of all my sentences? Anyw-eh? I saw that. Anyway, the reason I kept up the charade for so long was because people seemed so enthusiastic about it. I didn’t want to let them down. But at the same time, I just couldn’t keep the energy up all the time. Hm? No, I don’t think I was lying to the American
people. After all, Canada’s a part of North America.” We asked the other Avengers what they had to think about the revelation. “It’s pretty disappointing,” said Tony Stark, also known as Iron Man, “I’ll admit I don’t have the cleanest moral record myself, but this... this is just too much. I’m a man of industry – a man of wealth and taste, as it were – and as such I believe in the power of Capitalism. Like America. Instead of whatever voodoo economic system the Canadians have.” He hiccuped at this point before continuing, “I don’t know what they do up in Canadia, but I don’t care to find out. And another thing, have I ever told you how much I love you? No man, I mean it. You. You trying to find the truth in all the bullshit. I can reshpect a newsh reporter of your... newshineshsh.” He hiccuped again before vomiting into his Iron Man helmet and passing out. “I think what Tony was trying to say was that it’s difficult to reconcile the fact
that Cap has been lying to us,” said Natasha Romanov, also known as the Black Widow, “I mean, yeah, I’ve lied to a lot more people way more often. And also killed some people. And done other evil acts that were both bad enough to make me remorseful and vague enough to keep audience sympathy. But if you ignore all the waaaay worse things I’ve done in the past, then I haven’t done anything as bad as this!” “HULK HATE LIES! BUT HULK LOVE CANADA! HULK FEEL CONFLICTED!” “All you humans. It doesn’t matter where you hail from, you are all far below the Asgardians. I care not where your Captain America originates,” said Thor, who was, in all honesty, probably Loki in disguise. “HULK HATE FEELING CONFLICTED, WHICH MAKE HULK WANT TO HATE CAPTAIN AMERICA. BUT FEELINGS OF HATE ASSOCIATED WITH CONFLICT ALSO REASON
HULK EXIST SO HULK MUST THANK CURRENT EXISTENCE TO CAPTAIN AMERICA. HULK SO CONFUSED.” “Look, I don’t think we should be so quick to judge him,” said Hawkeye, who, well, no one cares enough about to know his secret identity, “Who cares where he’s from? Just look at all the good he’s done in the world! And besides, he’s already from the wrong time. Does it really matter if he’s from the wrong place, too?” “NO ONE INDULGING HULK’S EXISTENTIAL CRISIS. HULK BECOME SULK.”
Blurglock; King of Slim Jims, Fears not Death BY MAYA ANGELOU MADAGASCAR POET LAURIET His name is Burglock! He fears not death! His name is Burglock! King of Slim Jims. And all the ones that were weak trembled, for they knew Burglock was on his way. Sure, they had their machine guns, their helicopters, and the law on their side. But if anything had been made clear to them at this point it was that Blurglock, the king of slim jims, feared not death. “Burglock! We’ve got you surrounded” called out the soft boned Jones through his megaphone.
This was Jones’ first day out on the field – and his last, for he will die they all die who stand in Burglock’s way. For he rules the sticks of savory delight and trembles not before the final abyss.
bowing not to man yielded not to that eternal night
They say he is misunderstood but they are mistaken Burglock’s ways are not the way of man’s he speaks simply and lives unencumbered. For his way is clear, his way is pure He fears not death for his spirit will endure. Rippity Rip Rip
went Jones’ body As Burglock tore him in half taking him by each leg, splitting him like a wishbone on thanksgiving. For the patriarch of the pork
His Name is Burglock! He’s got an arm growing out of his back. His Name is Burglock! He keeps all his slim jims in a tiny sack. His name is Burglock! He takes in all of life with a single breath. His name is Burglock! he fears not death. This is literally one of the stupidest things we have ever printed.
Team Blitz needs $5,000 by midnight or the evil administration will shut down Team Blitz forever! BY HANK MANGKLACE ALREADY STOLE YOUR WALLET ‘After failing to represent the hallowed Griffin tradition of W&M properly, the evil dean and his cronies discovered a way to get rid of Team Blitz forever! “Ha-ha!” cried the dean after pouring over the royal charter for seven sleepless nights, “I’ve finally found the loophole that will get rid of those blasted Team Blitz boys forever! If they can’t raise $5,000 in cash by midnight, they’ll have to leave campus and never return!” He then laughed maniacally and found three juvenile looking boys and tried to rob a kid behind the Health Center at around 11:30 PM. “Oh no guys!” said Jeff Normans at the start of the run the afternoon before the deadline. “Because of the loophole, we need five-thousand dollars in cash or we’ll have to renounce our membership of Team Blitz and give back all that paint thinner we won from the Running Club that one time.”
Team Blitz appeared to be truly and assuredly dead. They ran and ran and sweated and sweated but at the end of the day they were still five-thousand dollars short of their goal. “Wait guys! I have an idea!” cried Jeff Normans, face down in a bush. “If we have a mixer with all of the other clubs, we can charge money in exchange for Blitzade and then use the money to get $5,000!” So they made two jugs of Blitzade and waited all night but no other clubs
wanted to mix with them and the angry man in the backyard told them to leave or that he would call the cops but it turns out he didn’t even live there and was just some asshole for VCU or some shit. Long story short, they had their parents bail them out because in any group at
W&M there’s at least one kid with rich parents. And then they ran off into the moonset as the evil dean doubled over in pain and passed two swollen ovaries through his urethra. Andy will never stop writing these.
OPINION
The Botetourt Squat § Friday, April 25th, 2014 § PAGE 7
Keep your guard up; warm weather probably just cruel April Fool’s ploy
BY RANDY KNIGHTLY HEAD TIN FOIL HATTER
You’re reading the Botetourt Squat, so chances are you spend most of your time gaming in the darkness of your room, the only light coming from your computer screen. The last time you went outside was probably the last time you went to class, which was during silly week. But go outside. Go on, do it. The sun is shining, the grass is green and some say the girls are looking hotter. The Sunken Garden looks like a generic college quad with guys in whale shorts throwing Frisbees. Spring is in the air. But it’s all a lie. Notice how the weather turned nice just around APRIL FUCKING FIRST? Exactly. It’s a cruel joke masterminded by Zeus or God or whoever. The polar vortex will return. We’ll probably call it the vernal
vortex, which sounds less badass but it will still suck. I’m prepared, though, and I’m urging you not to hang up your winter coat just yet. What’s that? It’s been a couple of weeks? You think spring is here to stay? Doesn’t mean shit. I gave my roommate an empty Wawa gift card on April 1st and told him I thought he was a great guy. He hasn’t tried to use it yet but when he does he’ll know exactly how much our friendship is worth. We probably deserve it too. It might be payback for global warming (which is also a lie) or maybe
God got tired of hearing people complain about it being 40 degrees and not having anyone to snuggle with. Or all the damn four seasons one week memes. I’m not saying we’ll get any more snow days, just saying don’t get too comfortable. Because when you let your guard, that’s when you fall the hardest. Shit’ll sneak right up on you and do you in when you least expect it. You have to mind every step and check every corner. The winter will be back. You’ll see. YOU’LL SEE!
Easter ruined Christianity for me BY LITTLE MISS MOONSHINE CHEIF FALLEN CHRISTIAN ANTICHRIST
I just want to start this off by saying I am a model Christian. And I’m not talking the Batman kind, oh no. Although being Batman would be pretty kickass. Or any superhero, really. I should start praying for superpowers. Anyway, like I was saying, I’m basically the most Christian motherfucker alive. I’ve never violated any of the 10 commandments – even when it would have been really, really fun. I am super charitable so that I don’t have to pay taxes. I am literally the most meek person you will ever meet, and I’m ready to inherit me some Earth! So, being the absolute epitome of what every Christian should be, I figured I should check out this whole “The Bible” thing. I was really into it at first. I mean let’s start out with Genesis. Adam and Eve running around naked? Sounds hot. And the whole “be fruitful and multiply thing”? Even hotter (that’s why I make sure to have unprotected sex with as many women as possible – I mean c’mon, if you limit yourself to one woman, then when she gets knocked up she’s out of commission for like 6 months or something). But then Adam had to go and fuck everything up by eating from the Fruit of Knowledge. Goddamn intellectuals (it’s not a sin to say that if God actually did damn the intellectuals). I knew nothing ever good came from science (note to self: Neil The Grass Tyson = Satan?). God does a whole lot of other badass shit in there, too, like flooding the Earth to kill off all the sinners and make room for the righteous (in every sense of the term) like me, destroying giant towers Godzilla-style (get it? Because word, “good”. So unless we start printing this running “God”zilla. It has God in it. I thank God every day for the amazing BY ZACH REYNOLDS joke (I see you Team Blitz) about how to use weird sense of humor that He gave me) and then making people speak CHEIF OF ANACHRONISMS lubes, I think point-counterpoint is dumber than a languages other than American, and going all Hiroshima and NaI think the first Squat was the worst piece of shit dumb animal in a dumb zoo. gasaki on Sodom and Gomorrah (Pillar of salt? Classic). rag to ever be published, and big surprise, there was a Then we get to Exodus. Honestly, this is probably the piece point-counterpoint segment in there. It was the brainthe resistance of the Bible. God plaguing the Egyptians because child of someone sitting in the kitchen that first night they’re different? Kickass. All those pansy-ass Christians out there in Fall 2010. We all agreed that it was a “good idea” who preach “forgiveness” and “tolerance?” FUCK. THEM. Serialong with other “good ideas” like “things to use for ously, they’re giving us Christians a bad name. It’s like they don’t BY BEN QUARATELLA lube other than lube.” Think about that for a second, even know Christianity is about smiting all those who would opguys. It was in that adjectival league. With the fuck- HEAD MALAPROPISM PERPETUATOR pose you! Plus, “I AM that I AM” has got to be one of the most baing article Kevin wrote. We all agreed using the same First, I’d like to dismiss my opponent’s argument dass lines ever. I say that all the time when I introduce myself to as wrong out of hand. Now, consider the fact that one people. Most people don’t get it though. They just I’m really into day you will die, and that everyone you know will be tautologies. Then he hands down the Commandments, which are dead, and everything you have ever done will turn to some really good pointers. I mean, if He didn’t tell me not to comdust and be forgotten. In light of this fact, can you mit adultery, I would totally adulterize on my troll of a wife. And if honestly tell yourself that, assuming you’re not mak- it weren’t for the 9th commandment, I would totally covet the shit ing love to beautiful lords of the Spirit, what you’re out of my neighbor’s wife. I mean, how a guy like him gets with doing right now is worth one fucking cent? Get off an angel like that while I’m stuck with a troglodyte like that is beyour ass, paint your body in DayGlo, turn up, and run yond me. But I don’t focus on his wife’s soulful eyes, or her beaunaked through the Sadler Terrace, you fucking pussy. tiful, perfect skin, or that smile that just seems so warm and sincere and welcoming, no. I’m not petty like that. So I’m reading the Bible, when the Easter season rolls around. As you know, it starts on Ash Wednesday. Most people just get a cross of ash on their forehead, but I go full on blackface. You know, in solidarity with my black friend. He says that sometimes he feels like people treat him differently because of his race, and I believe him – I got plenty of weird looks when I was walking around blackface. Then for Lent, after much deliberation, I gave know how comfortable I’d ever feel not even exist yet? These statistics up reading the Bible. After all, religion is the most important thing BY AN OLD GUY handing the reins over to these ass- are indicative of a generation of in the world for me, so logically it should be the thing I give up. ENJOYS PROSTATE EXAMS holes in 25-50 years. The vast ma- leeches content with remaining ab- And then Easter Sunday rolls around. Or, the celebration of the Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of jority of them haven’t even finished stract concepts until they’ve sucked death and rebirth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Gee, thanks Easter! articles analyzing the group of peo- high school for God’s Sake! And the parental teat dry. And those poor Haven’t you ever heard of spoilers? How am I supposed to enjoy ple born between 1980 and 2000, one of these kids is going to be our parents are graciously footing the the Bible now that I know how it ends? I can’t, that’s how! otherwise known as the Millennial president? bill for their greedy offspring as And that’s how Easter ruined Christianity for me. generation. Every writer with nosThey have no regard for re- they put off learning to walk, talk, talgia and a keyboard has gone after sponsibility whatsoever. All they or file taxes as long as they can. these kids claiming that they’re la- care about is their XBOX, and But this is not a condemnation zy, narcissistic, inattentive, etc. And their Hunger Games and their Jus- of the Post-Millenial generation. they’ve got it spot on! Kids today tin Bieber, and a bunch of other While they have it way easier than really are terrible! And while I’m different things. Now I’m reason- I ever did and will never achieve glad we can agree on this point I able enough not to paint millions of anything that means half as much as fear my colleagues are overlooking people with one brush. Stereotypes anything I did, I’m writing this aran even graver issue. That’s right! are wrong. But there are trends that ticle out of love. I just want young The people born between 2000 and have to be acknowledged and ad- people to know how awful they are 2020 or as I call em’, Post Milleni- dressed! Did you know for instance so that they can maybe make an efals! God, I thought Millenials were that an estimated 99% of Post-Mil- fort to improve. And even if they bad… These kids are effectively ir- lenials are unemployed? Worse yet fail, well that’s just a laugh for me! redeemable pieces of shit! I don’t did you know that 30% of them do After all it’s not my problem.
Point: point-counterpoint is stupid
Counterpoint: No, you’re stupid
Millenials: worst generation or worst generation YET??
BEST PUBLICATION
I know what you’re thinking, Flat Hat. Why would the publication that’s been making fun of you since the day it was created possibly recognize you as best publication? Well that’s simple, really. We secretly love you. Every meeting we get the latest copy of The Flat Hat and sit in a giant circle and jerk off Bukkake-style. Sorry for stealing your place as the most frequently-published weekly publication. But it’s really only so you’ll notice us. Enjoy your Squattie, cuties! ;)
Best academic building
Best Fraternity:
Sig Chi
Best speaker Maya Angelou
You did it, boys. Nearly a full semester later, and you continue to be lauded as the one frat that put petty self-censorship aside in favor of full-frontal honesty. All those other guys? They think the same things. But they don’t have the balls, the girth,
Maya, Maya, Maya. You little cock-tease. I bought tickets to your shin-dig as soon as they went on sale at 9 AM! And by god, it was worth it. You were easily the most moving speaker I ever heard. Every word was like seeing Pootie Tang for the first time, with a splash of Black Dynamite. So enjoy your Squattie, Maya. It’s destined to sit at the top of your trophy cabinet for all eternity. Preach!
MILLINGTON Millington, you’ve been good to us. Al-
the sheer density to just out-and-say it. Or rather, send it in a mass email, get exposed, and then grovel like a bunch of little snivelling cunts. So bravo, gentleman, have a Squattie.
BEST IN SHOW
My boy-pussy is open 24/7 for all of you!
JohnAugust Bridgeford
Best Concert
Frozen
ways reminding downtrodden students that at least they aren’t stuck having a class in you. And for that, we thank you. But even gods must die. And so must you. Take your Squattie and BURN.
Best school-themed drink
The Tribe Choice
Sorry, Wiz Khalifa. Maybe next time.
two glasses:
Glass one:
Two parts hennesey three parts hypnotique serve over ice
Glass two:
Two parts Goldschlager Two parts Redbull Garnish with lemon
Double-fist, drink under 5 min
Best Readership The Botetourt Squat
Dear reader, thank you again for a wonderful year full of heartbreak and ball-busting. Not only do you make us enjoy our arduous job, but you justify the ungodly amount of time we spend writing our piss-poor attempts at humor. Though our founding members are leaving, there is still a very real chance that everything will go to shit. At the very least, we get to enjoy an entire summer as #1. We literally love you, especially if you actually read the articles. If not, that’s cool too.
Best Worst Song: Happy by Pharrel Williams Don’t get me wrong, I liked Despicable Me 2. It might be the only animated sequel in recent memory that completely outdid its predecessor. That chick with the huge nose? Instant boner. But it did create the most vile song known to man. Clap along if I feel like a room without a roof? What the fuck does that even mean? Then when it rains I get all wet and shit and bugs get in, and it’s not even really a room at that point, just 4 chunks of perpendicular drywall. Fuck you, Pharrel, here’s your goddamned Squattie.
SUNG HERO ONE ACCORD
Honestly, I’ve never been to an Acapella show and I never plan on going to one for the remaining year I’m stuck in this shithole. But your name is pretty witty. It’s like...a chord. Like a musical chord. And you’re all singing as one. You guys are probably great. Keep doing what you do. I’ll be rooting for you from the comfort of my room. Ignore the tears and lube. Those are tears and lubes of joy. That crying and jerking is in your honor. God bless you. But more importantly, Squat bless you. Enjoy your Squattie and Squat-themed Idol.
UNSUNG HERO
The W&M quidditch team